Covert narcissistic abuse can be nearly impossible to detect because covert abusers use manipulative tactics to keep a "clean slate image".
Are you married to a covert narcissistic abuser?
Claire, a member of the BTR.ORG community, endured covert narcissistic abuse for twenty-five years before finally being able to put a name to it - and when she did, she was able to move toward safety. Read the full transcript below and tune in to the free BTR.ORG podcast to hear her story.
Covert Narcissists Use Passive-Aggressive Techniques to Control Victims
"[The abuser] would never say, 'you shouldn't go to activities, you should hang out with me.' It was rare for him to say things that would look abusive. But like if I'm reading a book around him, he's not okay with that. But instead of saying, you shouldn't read books around me, you're making me feel lonely or things that would be more easily recognizable, he just would interrupt me to start talking to me."
Claire, Member of the BTR.ORG Community
Covert narcissistic abusers are generally seen by others as extremely nice, passive, and congenial men. This is because covert abusers rarely, if ever, say or do overtly abusive things. Instead, they control victims by:
* Pouting
* Sulking
* Emotional blackmail ("If you don't have sex with me, I'll have to use porn; If you don't stay home from this trip, I'll get depressed and have to ignore you")
* Using "flying monkeys" (Having in-laws, friends, clergy, and others tell the victim what she "should" do in order to please the abuser)
* Getting their feelings hurt, in order to make the victim walk on eggshells
* Using scripture or other texts
* Gaslighting/blame-shifting/word-twisting
* Systematically breaking down the victim's self-esteem so that the victim seeks their approval, then intermittently giving the victim approval and validation
Have You Experienced Covert Sexual Abuse?
Many women in our community have experienced covert sexual abuse.
Claire describes it this way:
"If we hadn't had sex for 48 hours, then he would start criticizing me and just like pouting and frowning and just being kind of toxic until we would have sex."
Claire, Member of the BTR.ORG Community
Covert abusers often justify marital rape by saying things like:
* "I didn't hold her down, so it wasn't rape."
* "She eventually said yes, so it wasn't rape."
* "She initiated it, so it wasn't abuse."
* "She didn't try to fight me off, so it wasn't rape."
* "All marriages require negotiation when it comes to sex. Ours is no different."
* "She set the standard for me having to push for sex... it's just how it is with us. It's not abuse."
* "She didn't say no, so it wasn't rape."
* "I didn't know she didn't want it, even though she [was crying, said no, laid there frozen, said it hurt, asked me to stop, etc]."
Bottom line: covert sexual abusers are despicable human beings.
Having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you and has not given their enthusiastic consent is rape.
If you have experienced covert sexual abuse, you are a victim of rape. Please seek support.
BTR.ORG is Here For You
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone - please attend a session today. Victims of covert abuse find validation and community as they share their experiences and process their trauma with other victims and our expert coaches. We love you, we believe you.
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. Welcome, Claire.