You Look Nice Today

Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward.
• DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit would cover.
• No sighing in the doughnut line.
• Just stop tapping your goddamned foot fer chrissakes.
• Uncle Blackman’s Enthusiastic Antebellum Sprinting Adventure is closed for renovation until further notice.
• Keep a sharp eye out for “Hidden Deppies”
• Climbing on the Leon Uris shelf is strictly prohibited.
• No insie-outsies on “Lock-In Night.”
• Only children under 42 inches in height are permitted to romp in Erma’s Cherry Bowl—and each child MUST be accompanied by a non tripping-balls parent.
• SORRY! After June 7, 1998, Arlo’s “Shuck Bux” will no longer be honored.
• Thank you in advance for not discussing disused aspect ratios.
• Cut line early on rides you like. Lines are for babies.
• The Sacristy is not there for making-out. Sacristy only likes you as a friend—and not actually all that much to be honest.
• PLEASE don’t slam your locker door.
• Q*bert ALWAYS hits on “16.” You may double-down on aces and Robotron.
• The Parade will NOT stop in the event you are injured by a Moog.
• SHAME on you. Seriously.