Many victims of betrayal trauma and emotional abuse asked their partner, or ex-partner, about his sexual history, including pornography use, before committing to the relationship.
Disturbingly, most men lie about their sexual history, especially when it includes pornography use and other depraved sexual behaviors.
When I was really young, my mom was telling me about rape. She said, “If anyone is raping you, I want you to look them in the eye and I want you to strongly and forcefully say, ‘This is rape and I will prosecute.’” She had me say that several times and we even role-played a little bit. That’s what she wanted me to say. I want women to say that too. “This is what sexual coercion is, and I will be very hurt, and it will be sexual abuse. If you want to participate in that then you either go on your merry way or you tell me but, if I find out, that’s what you would have done to me.”Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
On the free BTR Podcast, Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, interviews Jessica Barr, an anti-pornography activist and member of the board of directors at Culture Reframed.
Jessica shares validating and empowering truths about sexual coercion and how women can find safety.
I Asked My Husband If He Uses Porn, And He Said No
You might have this great conversation about porn use and how they think it’s awful and how they haven’t used it or they used it and stopped, or whatever, but if their intent is to hide their porn use, you would never know, and that conversation is abusive in and of itself.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Many victims of betrayal have languished in their grief, re-living those moments when they asked their partner about pornography use and he denied it. Women wonder if they should have pressed the issue harder, or asked at a different time, or waited until they had evidence.
The truth is abusive men lie, and women are not responsible, in any way, for the abuser's choices. Pornography use is abuse. Most women will be lied to when they ask their partner about his sexual behavior.
Did He Lie If He Told Me Some Of His Sexual Behaviors?
When a man tells partial truths about his sexual behavior, he is lying. Lying includes:
* Withholding the truth* Telling bits and pieces, or minimizing* Under-exaggerating the amount of time, money, or ways that he engaged in the behavior(s)* Refusing to give direct answers to questions about his sexual behavior
When women are lied to by their partner about his sexual behavior, they may experience betrayal trauma.
When abusers lie about their sexual behavior and still engage in sexual contact with their partner, they are sexually abusing her.
Have I Been Sexually Abused By My Husband?
In relationships, safety is first and foremost, and if you don’t feel safe in a relationship: emotionally, physically, spiritually, you can’t have intimacy. Those two things cannot coexist.Jessica Barr, Anti-pornography Activist
The concept of sexual coercion isn't popular in a society where pornography use, infidelity, and the dehumanization of women has been normalized and even promoted.