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episode 145: Dating After Betrayal: 3 Tips
Many victims of emotional abuse and betrayal worry that, if they choose to date again, they will enter another abusive relationship. Often, women asked their abusive partner early on if he was a pornography user. And their prospective partner lied.
This betrayal can leave victims unsure of their own ability to decipher the safe, honest, and monogamous men from abusive men who lie.
Jessica Sky Bahr, anti-pornography activist from Culture Reframed, continues her conversation with Anne on the free BTR Podcast. Jessica gives 3 tips to help women who are preparing to date protect themselves from porn users.
Tune in to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
Tip #1: Set Dealbreakers: Non-Negotiable Boundaries Before You Begin Dating
My boundary in the relationship is set because I’m really black and white about it. It’s a dealbreaker for me.
Jessica Bahr, Culture Reframed
Holding immovable boundaries, called "dealbreakers" can help women protect themselves. Dealbreakers are internal value systems. They are non-negotiable boundaries.
These dealbreakers may look like this:
* Because I want my potential partner to only have sexual experiences with me, I do not date men who masturbate.
* I do not date men who use pornography, ever.
* I do not date men who don't know exactly how they feel about the pornography industry because I know how despicable it is.
* I do not date men who pressure me to have sexual contact with them before I am ready.
* I do not date dishonest or disrespectful men.
* I date men who respect women.
* I date men who reject misogyny.
* I date men who tell the truth.
* I date men who respect my opinions and boundaries.
Tip #2: Watch for Red Flags (When He Debates Your Boundaries)
I don’t mind having the conversation if the tone of the conversation is one of inquiry and listening and learning and wanting to be a better person. If it’s a debate, I usually shut that down.
Jessica Bahr, Culture Reframed
Jessica shares that while she has had relationships with some men who have "debated" her anti-pornography stance, she didn't commit until they were completely on-board with her non-negotiables in a self-actualized manner, rather than simply conforming to her boundaries and secretly resenting her.
Identifying red flags is empowering. If he is debating your personal beliefs, he does not have united sexual core values. He may not be the person that you want to be in a relationship with.
Tip #3: Does He Honor Your Safety Requests?
Men who are sexually healthy are willing to make sacrifices for your relational comfort. It is a promising indicator of a safe man if you are able to communicate your needs and desires without fear. Equally promising is his safe, loving, and consistent response to your safety requests. Healthy men care about your boundaries and your comfort.