Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

When an abuser’s parents side with him instead of supporting the victim, they are enabling abuse and causing incredible harm in the victim’s life. Tragically, this is an extremely common occurrence for victims of sexual coercion and hidden abuse. How can women find safety from their abusive in-laws?



Tania joins Anne Blythe on the free BTR podcast to share her heartbreaking story of living through sexual, financial, physical, and psychological abuse – all while her in-laws blamed her and sided with her abuser. Listen to the free BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. 



How Do In-Laws Enable Their Abusive Sons?




When I started speaking up (about the abuse), his family didn’t like it and they started blaming me. They would say no, it’s you. You have a big mouth; you speak too much. He’s a great person.
Tania, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community



Thousands of abuse victims are shocked when their abuser’s parents side with the abuser and enable him to keep abusing. Sometimes this is done covertly. Tania’s ex-father-in-law covertly enabled the abuse by promising that he would take his son to a counsellor if Tania stayed in the relationship. Other times, the abuse is overt. Tania’s ex-mother-in-law verbally assaulted her at the dinner table, openly blaming Tania for the abuser’s behavior. 



What Does In-Law Abuse Look Like? 



In-laws enable their abusive sons when they:




* Blame the victim for the abuse (if you didn’t ___, he wouldn’t ____)
* Shame the victim (you need to be more ____)
* Dismiss the abuse (you are just saying that because you want to ruin his life)
* Exaggerate the abuser’s “good” qualities (he’s an incredible athlete/father/church leader/etc. and you are lucky to be with him)
* Call the victim’s mental health into question (are you sure you’re not just depressed/anxious/suffering from a mental disorder)
* Say that the victim is crazy/lying/exaggerating/abusive
* Urge the victim to stay in the abusive relationship
* Urge the victim to yield to the sexual coercion/put up with pornography use
* Rally the victim’s support people to side against her
* Minimize the abuse (we know he has a temper, but it’s not nearly as bad as you’re saying it is)
* Guilt the victim into staying in the relationship for the sake of the children, the abuser’s reputation/career/church calling, or any other reason
* Turn others against the victim 




In short, in-laws are re-abusing their daughter-in-law unless they fully support the victim and hold their abusive son accountable.



How Does In-Law Abuse Harm Victims?



Victims are re-traumatized when their in-laws side with the abuser. Their experience is invalidated and the asylum they were seeking through the support of their in-laws, vanishes. They are left with even more chaos and fear than before. 



When parents refuse to hold their abusive sons accountable, they are condoning, even encouraging, the abuse.



Protecting Yourself From Abusive In-Laws



It’s important for victims of sexual coercion and hidden abuse to know how to protect themselves from their abusive in-laws. 




* Remember that even if they never yell at you, hurt you, or damage your property,