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episode 166: Is Your Husband Grooming You?
He makes promises to change. He joins groups. He seems sincere. He has spiritual awakenings. He maintains sobriety for long periods. But something still nags in the back of your mind.
In the midst of all the confusion, you need to know: is your husband grooming you?
On the free BTR podcast, hear Miss C share her powerful story of identifying and breaking free from her abusive husband's grooming tactics. Miss C's abuser went to great lengths to keep her confused, afraid, and isolated. She now courageously shares her experiences with other victims to help them identify grooming in their own abusive relationships. Listen to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dol0pvVUrWQ
If He's Had A Sudden Spiritual Awakening, He's Grooming You
Many abusive and unfaithful men have sudden and intense supposed "spiritual awakenings." Moments or periods of time when they claim to be especially close to God or another higher power. Some men take convincingly sincere steps, like confessing to spiritual leaders, going to rehabilitation facilities, or joining groups.
Interestingly, a large number of men who undergo a supposed spiritual transformation often:
* Start going by a different name (often a variation of their first name or their middle name)* Alter their physical appearance * Appear humble, meek, and uncharacteristically calm* Share their experiences with many people, even speaking publicly or over the pulpit
'Spiritual Awakening' Grooming Is Drastic
This dramatic shift from lying, sexual depravity, and gaslighting to near fanaticism can be shocking for victims. Many women feel so confused and caught off-guard by this form of grooming that they believe the abuser and hope for the best.
Unfortunately, this is a severe and strange from of manipulative grooming. Abusers may appear miraculously changed for a period of time, but will go right back to their abusive behaviors before too long.
How He Handles Trust Can Tell You If He's Grooming You
Abusers feel entitled to trust. They believe their partners should have absolute faith and trust in them, regardless of their own actions and behavior.
Conversely, a man who is living amends understands that he will never be entitled to his partner's trust. He works diligently to be trustworthy, but never expects to be given trust. Any trust he is given, he is supremely grateful for.
He's Grooming You
If your husband:
* Asks you things like, "Will it always be this way?" in regard to your questions, level of trust, etc.* Demands that you believe him* Sulks when you don't take his word or do not exhibit trust in him* Asks why you don't trust him* Shames or guilts you for not trusting him* Uses scripture or other spiritual resources to convince you to trust him* Enlists other people to convince you to trust him* Asks you for a blank slate* Implies that you can't be trusted either
Then he is grooming you. Even if he's sober from pornography use and other sexually acting out behaviors... if he is entitled to your trust,