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episode 173: Sexuality 101 For Betrayed Women
Betrayed women often experience sexuality through the distorted lens of their abuser: sex is for men. Sex is a marital obligation. Sex is usually painful. Sex is a sacrifice. Sex is scary. Sex is what I have to do to earn a voice in my marriage. Sex keeps him happy.
Sheila Gregoire, author of The Great Sex Rescue joins Anne Blythe on the free BTR podcast to shatter these toxic myths and educate betrayed women with the empowering truths about sex and sexuality. For more, read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast.
Betrayed Women: One-Sided Intercourse Is Not Safe Sex
...It’s a deep knowing between two people, so it isn’t just physical. It’s also supposed to be spiritually intimate, and then it’s supposed to be totally mutual and pleasurable where both get something out of it. Instead, we’ve condensed it to one-sided intercourse, and when we do that all kinds of bad things happen, and I think that’s our primary problem. That we see sex mostly from a male point of view, that’s it’s only about intercourse.Sheila Gregoire, The Great Sex Rescue
Abusive men condition victims to learn that sex is "one-sided intercourse" - a male-centric activity that is primarily for the abuser's pleasure.
Tragically, this lie harms victims in many ways.
Victims of one-sided intercourse experience:
* Dissociation* Pelvic and sexual pain* Loss of sense of self-worth* Body image issues* Emotional abandonment
Sexuality 101: It's Soul-Crushing Sex If He's Lying To You
You need to stop having sex with someone you don’t know because it’s not healthy and it’s not safe at this point.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Sheila explains that sex between partners should be "life-giving", not "soul-crushing".
When men lie to their partners, they are, in essence "someone you don't know". Having sex with someone you don't know is "soul-crushing".
Not only is there an egregious lack of emotional safety and trust, but perhaps more terrifying is the fact that you do not have the information to be giving your informed consent to the sexual experience.
Have You Experienced Sexual Coercion?
When a woman does not or cannot give her full, informed consent to a sexual experience with her partner, she is experiencing sexual coercion.
If your partner has lied or is lying to you, and has had sexual contact with you, you are a victim of sexual coercion.
Why?
Because he did not give you enough information for you to give your informed consent to the sexual experience with him.
Giving you information to give your informed consent to sex after betrayal would look something like this:
Abuser: I use pornography every day, masturbate three times a day, fantasize about other women, and use your body for my own gratification every time we have sex. All that said, do you still want to have sex with me?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkPH4zkxJYw
Betrayed Women: Obligatory Sex Is Not Safe Sex
I feel like a lot of women in our community feel like: sex feels like a duty because I’m not emotionally connected with him.Anne Blythe,