PodCastle

* Author : Stephanie Burgis
* Narrator : Pippa Alice Stephens
* Host : Summer Fletcher
* Audio Producer : Peter Adrian Behravesh
*
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Previously published in Consolation Songs: Speculative Fiction for a Time of Coronavirus


Rated PG-13.
Love, Your Flatmate
by Stephanie Burgis
From: Emmeline.Heatherton@gmail.com
To: faevix@hotmail.com
Subject: HELP
Mum,
I understand that you didn’t actually believe there would be a lockdown when you agreed to let your friend’s daughter stay at my flat ‘for just a week.’ (Remember that promise? I do. I also remember that you didn’t ask me first.) (You also remember, I am sure, that I sent you SEVERAL ARTICLES about that possible lockdown in the weeks beforehand. But…moving on. Deep breaths.)
I know that cultural exchange is healthy. I’m glad that you and Lady Silvana had such a wonderful time as flatmates all those years ago, and I understand that humans and fey have different attitudes because of our different lifespans and expectations. I get it, okay? As you’ve always reminded me, I haven’t done much travelling, but it’s not like I’ve made my assumptions about the fey based on trashy shows like Fey Nights. I grew up on your anecdotes, remember?
So many lovely anecdotes. SO many…
But Maxi and I are never going to be BFFs and penpals for life like you and Silvana. I’m sorry, but it is just not going to happen. It’s not only that we have nothing in common. It’s the amount of time that she spends in my bath every day, running the hot water over and over again…and the fact that she has NO IDEA how much my water bill will cost and – let’s face it – she doesn’t even care, no matter how hard I try to explain to her that a junior editor’s salary is not going to cover it, especially if I end up laid off by the end of all of this – and frankly, it’s not as if I’m getting much work done in the meantime…
Not to mention the endless harp and flute music playing in the air around her all the time, so I never get a break to listen to my own music or think about anything else but her – oh, and the fact that my living room is now covered in leaves! Dear God, even if I could focus on my work, I can’t even find most of the manuscripts on my desk under all of her rampaging greenery. I’m having to take all of my Zoom meetings in my bedroom now – and YES, don’t worry, I took down all of those fabulous girl-band posters from behind my bed, because I am an adult professional and I understand the concept of maintaining appearances. Some of us actually have jobs, unlike spoiled fey aristocrats who swan around taking baths and listening to pretty music all day.
I might have survived a single week with Maxi. Possibly. I truly cannot take much more.
I know she can’t stay with you two at the moment, but please, please, please will you use your connection with Lady Silvana to find out when the border between London and Faerie will finally reopen? I am begging you. I need to know when this will end!
Love, your desperate daughter,
Emmeline x

Posted on the door to the bath in Emmeline Heatherton’s flat:
Quick Note: My water company will not accept money that turns into leaves as a monthly payment. Also, we both need time in here every day. Just a polite reminder! :) E xx

From: MaximilianaMorgana@feymail.com
To: HLSilvanaMorgana@feymail.com
Subject: Aid in my time of need?