That indescribably feeling of being stuck - pulled - attached to a situation that makes you sick, sad, and broken. What is it?
It's the abuser's manufactured relational tether, and it's time to learn how to break it.
Dee, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community rejoins Anne on the free BTR podcast to share how she courageously left her abusive therapist's care and broke the manufactured relational tether that kept her in an abusive situation that was destroying her self-esteem.
Learn more by reading the full transcript below and listening to the BTR podcast.
What Is The Manufactured Relational Tether?
The manufactured relational tether is the result of the abuser creating chaos and stress that only he can solve. By keeping his victim close, battering her emotionally and/or physically, and offering relief intermittently, he keeps her emotionally tethered to his own emotional state.
The way that I like to think of it is more like a tether ball. So, you have been attached on this string to this abuser, and he hits the ball and you're flying through space, and you feel very insecure, and you feel worried, and you feel concerned, and then the ball wraps around the pole and for a brief moment, it's like okay, relief. I feel good, this makes sense, I like how this feels, and then it starts to unravel, and it feels very uncomfortable and then he hits it again and it's like, whoa. And in order to take yourself out of that manufactured relational tether, it's going to be painful. You actually have to detach yourself from that cord and be like, okay I'm going to be away from this.
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJhB7cJaHgw
What Does a Manufactured Relational Tether Feel Like?
When your abusive partner has manipulated you into believing that your wellbeing and security is dependent on their intermittent "kindness", it may be difficult to identify that you are, indeed, experiencing the effects of a manufactured emotional tether.
You may feel:
* Dependent on the abuser
* Simultaneously disgusted by and drawn to the abuser
* Frustrated with yourself for not leaving or maintaining firmer boundaries
* Confused by the abuser's words and behavior
* Unworthy, unimportant, and unloved
* Like you're walking on eggshells
* Ashamed, guilty, and complicit in the abuse - especially if it's sexual in nature
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How Can I Break The Manufactured Relational Tether?
If you feel attached, loyal, or subject to or protective of your abuser, you may have a manufactured relational tether. If you're afraid to leave or feel unable to leave, you may have a manufactured relational tether.
So how do you break free? You may want to take these steps:
* Open up about what's going on and talk to a safe person or safe group, like BTRG
* Courageously step away from the relationship so that you can get your bearings
* Become educated about abuse and betrayal trauma; the BTR books page provides excellent recommendations for
* Practice radical self-care daily