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episode 210: Loving Your Abuser: Three Myths
The religious concept of "loving your enemies", or in this community, "loving your abuser", when misapplied, enables abusers and leaves victims feeling inadequate, confused, and traumatized.
University distinguished professor Valerie Hudson rejoins Anne on the free BTR podcast to reframe the concept of loving our enemies. Read the full transcript below and tune in to the BTR podcast for more.
Myth: You Should Love Your Abuser Unconditionally
Mature, healthy relationships include conditional love - love conditioned on:
* Mutual respect
* Healthy boundaries
* Consistent kindness
* Trust
If your abuser tells you that you ought to offer love, sex, and trust regardless of his behaviors, you are being manipulated. Anne explains:
"They begin to say things like, "Well, if you just loved me..." "Don't you love me?" "If you really loved me you would be patient..." And you know, it's just this grooming phase where they act repentant, or they act like they love you, or whatever it is. They're saying, if you don't allow me this, if you don't kind of tolerate this while I “get better” or while I work on it, then you're not being Christ-like because you don't have unconditional love."
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Myth: Love Means Staying With Your Abuser
When family, friends, clergy, and therapists tell you that if you love your children you have to stay with your abuser, they are enabling abuse.
You show love for yourself, your children, and even your abuser by distancing yourself from abuse.
Whether you love your abuser, hate your abuser, or you're somewhere in between, subjecting yourself to his abusive behavior is not an indicator of love.
"I do want women to recognize though that in the scriptures, it does not say, and they were wicked, and so we invited them into our homes, and we gave them a bunch of food, we sat their therapy appointments, and we made sure that we dressed up and wore lipstick. It doesn't say that. It says, and they were wicked, and they were cast out. It's not rocket science. It's okay to cast out the fruits of wickedness, and if someone continues to exhibit the fruits of wickedness, then God would like us to cast them out."
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swkKweIESsU
Myth: Love Means Not Telling Anyone About the Abuse
Often, abusers and even family and friends will tell victims to stay quiet about the abuse and betrayal. This is presented as loyalty to the abuser and/or the family, or even the church.
This is not love - it is protecting the abuser.
Sharing your story with supportive, safe people and groups is an essential step in your healing process.
Further, holding the abuser accountable is a powerful way to take your power back while showing real love for your abuser.
Betrayal Trauma Recovery is Here For You
At BTR, we know how confusing it is to sort through your own emotions while also trying to discern reality from what your therapist, clergy, family, and friends may be telling you - find relief and process your trauma by ...