The MindShift Podcast with Darrell Evans

What would happen if an expert in mindset, marketing, sales, and leadership with more than 30 years of entrepreneurship experience were willing to share the principles, playbooks, and processes he and his successful guests had learned with you? It would speed up your success. Welcome to The MindShift Podcast. Join host Darrell Evans and his amazing guests as they help you shift your mind so you can shift your results.

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101: Make Your Comeback [transcript]


Nate Dukes is an author, coach, and speaker, but in his early twenties, Nate was a business owner chasing success while dealing with a secret drug and gambling addiction.

After constantly hitting rock bottom, hurting those close to him, stealing a car, and going to jail, Nate went on a journey of change which helped him create his own comeback story.

He soon discovered that there were others just like him who were stuck believing the lie that they'd never be able to change. Through his book "You'll Never Change," onstage speaking and personal coaching, Nate shares what he's learned to help others make their comeback.

Nate opens up about his breakdowns and breakthroughs, so if you've ever doubted if a change is possible, this episode is for you.

Here are three reasons why you should listen to the complete Episode:

  1. Nate shares his story of losing everything through his drug and gambling addiction.
  2. Discover his journey of making a choice to change after hitting rock bottom.
  3. Be inspired to make your comeback, going from hopeless to hopeful.

Enjoying The MindShift Podcast?

Click here to follow on Apple Podcasts. While there, please leave a 5-star rating and review. Also, if you haven't done so already, join the free MindShift Community to connect with other like-minded people. Don't forget to tag me @mrdarrellevans on Instagram.

Thanks for listening,

 Darrell


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 2022-02-15  34m
 
 
00:36  Nate Dukes
So I start to use
00:36
the business to fuel my gambling
00:39
and drug addiction. And we had
00:39
several employees who worked for
00:42
us. My business partner came up
00:42
to me on a Friday and he said,
00:46
Nate, it's time to cut the
00:46
checks for everybody. And so I
00:50
just came clean in that moment.
00:50
I just looked at him and said,
00:52
hey, if we write these, there's
00:52
not gonna be enough money in the
00:55
accounts to cover them. And you
00:55
can see the look on his face. He
00:59
was frustrated, he was upset, he
00:59
was confused. And then it all
01:03
started to catch up to him. He
01:03
realized that I had taken the
01:06
payroll money the night before,
01:06
and I had lost all of it
01:09
gambling at the casino.
01:13  The MindShift Podcast
This is
01:13
The MindShift Podcast where we
01:15
share real stories, real
01:15
strategies, that will help you
01:18
find real success. This is the
01:18
place to hear from people just
01:22
like you who have taken their
01:22
ideas, goals and dreams from a
01:25
point of inspiration to
01:25
realization or when life knocked
01:29
them down, from a point of
01:29
breakdown to breakthrough. I'm
01:32
your host, Darrell Evans. Let's
01:32
get started with today's
01:35
episode.
01:40  Darrell Evans
What's up my
01:40
friend? Welcome back to another
01:41
episode of The MindShift
01:41
Podcast. I'm super excited to
01:44
have you here for an absolutely
01:44
riveting conversation. I gotta
01:48
tell you, the guest that you're
01:48
going to hear from in just a
01:51
short moment has a story that
01:51
just blew my mind. Before we get
01:55
into that, if this is your first
01:55
time here, and you enjoy today's
01:58
show, and I know you will, I'd
01:58
love for you to hit the follow
02:01
or subscribe button, wherever
02:01
you're listening to this show.
02:03
Hope you'll come back and tune
02:03
in again. That way you never
02:06
miss an episode. And if you
02:06
really enjoy the show, we'd love
02:08
for you to leave us a review.
02:08
Whatever you think about the
02:11
show, because we're always
02:11
trying to improve. My guest
02:13
today is Nate Dukes. Nate is an
02:13
author and speaker but in his
02:18
early 20s, Nate was a business
02:18
owner chasing success while
02:22
dealing with a secret drug
02:22
addiction. After constantly
02:26
hitting rock bottom, hurting
02:26
everyone close to him, stealing
02:30
a car, and eventually going to
02:30
jail, Nate went on a journey of
02:35
changing his mindset and his
02:35
decisions, which helped him
02:39
create his own comeback story.
02:39
He quickly found that there were
02:43
other people just like him, just
02:43
like you, just like me, who were
02:49
stuck believing that the lie
02:49
that they've been living would
02:53
never change. Through his book,
02:53
'You'll Never Change', onstage
02:58
speaking and personal coaching,
02:58
Nate shares what he's learned to
03:03
help other people make their own
03:03
comeback. And I tell you, Nate,
03:08
I'm excited to have you here.
03:08
Welcome to the show.
03:10  Nate Dukes
Darrell, thank you
03:10
so much for having me here, man.
03:12
I'll tell you, I have watched a
03:12
whole lot of this podcast, I've
03:16
listened to a lot of it, and
03:16
I've become a fan. And so being
03:19
on the other side of this now
03:19
has been really, really cool for
03:22
me. So I'm super honored. Thanks
03:22
for having me.
03:24  Darrell Evans
Let's dive in. So
03:24
where are you calling in from?
03:27
Where are you in the world?
03:28  Nate Dukes
So I'm from Ohio
03:28
right now. So right outside of
03:30
Youngstown, Ohio, about an hour
03:30
south of Cleveland.
03:33  Darrell Evans
So there's a lot
03:33
going on in your backstory man,
03:35
lot going on. Let's pick it up
03:35
with your early 20s. Let's just
03:39
dive in, and . . .
03:41  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
03:41  Darrell Evans
. . . talk about
03:41
this journey into business. What
03:44
was your drive to get into
03:44
business in the first place?
03:45  Nate Dukes
So, when I went away
03:45
to college at age 18 years old,
03:49
I did what every young adult
03:49
that has no direction in their
03:53
life does. I went and took out a
03:53
bunch of student loans and
03:56
decided I'm going to go to a
03:56
public university. That's going
03:59
to be the answer to all of my
03:59
problems. And to understand why
04:03
I even ended up in that
04:03
situation. We were the poor
04:05
family growing up, we didn't
04:05
have a whole lot of money. My
04:08
parents, they had some broken
04:08
mindsets that were passed down
04:10
to us. The reality is, is they
04:10
were kids trying to raise kids.
04:14
So I wanted to escape the chaos
04:14
of my childhood. And I wanted to
04:18
build and create something with
04:18
my life. So all of a sudden, in
04:21
my young adult days, I'm going
04:21
to college trying to create
04:25
something but I'm also
04:25
introduced to this party scene.
04:28
I'm starting to experiment with
04:28
drugs, I'm experimenting with
04:31
alcohol. And I had a really,
04:31
really, really good time. But
04:36
what I found is that what feels
04:36
good in the moment isn't always
04:39
good for your future.
04:41  Darrell Evans
Yeah. Let me ask
04:41
you a quick question. Just,
04:43
because this is going to be a
04:43
rich conversation. Oftentimes, I
04:46
get like 18 really good nuggets
04:46
out of my guest and then I'm
04:49
trying to remember all 18. So if
04:49
you don't mind me interrupting.
04:51
Let me ask you this question.
04:52  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
04:53  Darrell Evans
So you're in your
04:53
early 20s. You're obviously, you
04:55
know, anyone who's been to
04:55
college, public or private, it
04:57
doesn't really matter. There's a
04:57
scene that happens to young
05:00
college kids, right? and . . .
05:01  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
05:02  Darrell Evans
. . . it takes a
05:02
lot to kind of avoid it, but for
05:03
you, what was going on that sort
05:03
of, you said, experimenting with
05:07
drugs, why were you
05:07
experimenting? Out of curiosity.
05:10  Nate Dukes
Well, so after years
05:10
of therapy, I finally got to the
05:13
root of it. The thing was, is, I
05:13
wasn't comfortable with who I
05:16
was. So there's this insecure,
05:16
chubby, little Nate that lives
05:21
inside of me and he just wants
05:21
to be accepted. He just wants to
05:24
have friends. And the only time
05:24
that he feels special is when he
05:29
does special things. And so out
05:29
of a way of feeling significant
05:34
in a social setting, but also to
05:34
ultimately, trying to escape the
05:37
fact that I wasn't okay with me.
05:37
That's what led me to
05:42
experimenting, to trying, and
05:42
also too like, growing up,
05:46
you're told, don't do this,
05:46
don't do this, don't do this.
05:48
And then for whatever reason, as
05:48
human beings, that doesn't
05:52
necessarily work for us. In
05:52
fact, when I'm told not to do
05:56
something, it becomes very
05:56
attractive to me. And so that's,
05:59
that's, that's why.
06:00  Darrell Evans
That's fine but
06:00
I'm gonna I do it anyway.
06:02
Yeah.
06:03
All right.
06:03  Nate Dukes
That's ultimately
06:03
what led to it.
06:05  Darrell Evans
Listen, thanks
06:05
for taking time with that. Yeah,
06:06
so go ahead and pick us back up,
06:06
pick us back up on the
06:08
entrepreneurial journey. Thanks
06:08
for sharing that.
06:10  Nate Dukes
So now, what started
06:10
out as a weekend fun experience
06:13
turned into a full blown drug
06:13
addiction at age 19, 20, and 21.
06:17
So I had to move back in with my
06:17
parents, because after four
06:20
years, I managed to come nowhere
06:20
close to getting a degree. But
06:23
there was still this like
06:23
builder, this achiever, this
06:26
somebody that wanted to
06:26
accomplish things that lived
06:28
inside of me, and through a
06:28
series of events, a friend of
06:32
mine approached me and said,
06:32
Hey, I'm thinking about opening
06:35
up a bar and restaurant in
06:35
downtown Youngstown, Ohio. And
06:40
for me, this touched on a few
06:40
things. It touched on the
06:42
entrepreneur that lived inside
06:42
of me, but it also touched on
06:45
this party guy that I had really
06:45
developed into. And so over the
06:50
course of about two and a half
06:50
years, we took something that
06:54
was failing in the beginning and
06:54
we turned it into something that
06:57
was very successful. So now I've
06:57
have access to more money than I
07:01
had ever seen in my entire life.
07:01
Now, this wasn't a life changing
07:05
amount of money. I just, I want
07:05
to be very clear,
07:07  Darrell Evans
Well you're in
07:07
your 20s.
07:08  Nate Dukes
Yeah, yeah, that's
07:08
right. And also being the poor
07:10
kid growing up . . .
07:11
. . . it felt like
07:11
the world.
07:11  Darrell Evans
Yeah.
07:12
It's all
07:12
relative, right?
07:14  Nate Dukes
It was the
07:14
perspective that I had.
07:15  Darrell Evans
Right.
07:16  Nate Dukes
And so I have a
07:16
vehicle that is nice. I have an
07:18
apartment with high rise
07:18
ceilings. I'm in social settings
07:21
that I would have probably never
07:21
had access to before. And I
07:24
thought that once I got all this
07:24
stuff, that I would finally be
07:28
happy. Once I got all these
07:28
things, I would be complete. And
07:32
I found out that I was still
07:32
just as empty as I was before.
07:36
And so the drug addiction really
07:36
started to ramp up, it really
07:39
started to get out of control
07:39
and now all of a sudden, I'm
07:42
going to the casino, and I'm
07:42
starting to gamble too. And I'm
07:46
winning money and I'm losing
07:46
money and it wasn't even about
07:48
winning or losing anymore. It
07:48
was about the high that I would
07:51
get when I would go to these
07:51
different facilities. And over
07:55
the course of a year, I actually
07:55
ended up losing almost
07:58
everything that I had. I had to
07:58
sell my car. My personal bank
08:02
account, it was drained. But
08:02
even though that was empty, the
08:05
business bank account was still
08:05
full. And so now I'm starting to
08:10
move money around. I'm starting
08:10
to take from the business to, to
08:14
use for my drug and gambling
08:14
addiction. And at the time, I
08:18
thought to myself, Oh, geez,
08:18
aren't I the business owner?
08:20
Isn't this my money anyways?
08:20
Well, here's the deal. Here's
08:23
business 101 for some of you
08:23
guys. We cannot take business
08:28
money and use it for personal,
08:28
personal investments. That's
08:32
called embezzlement. And so,
08:32
here I am embezzling money.
08:36
That's fraud,
08:37  Darrell Evans
Fraud,
08:37
commingling it's, it's trouble.
08:39  Nate Dukes
So I start to use
08:39
the business to fuel my gambling
08:42
and drug addiction. And we had
08:42
several employees who worked for
08:46
us. My business partner came up
08:46
to me on a Friday and he said,
08:49
Nate, it's time to cut the
08:49
checks for everybody. And so I
08:53
just came clean in that moment.
08:53
I just looked at him and said,
08:56
Hey, if we write these, there's
08:56
not going to be enough money in
08:58
the accounts to cover them. And
08:58
you could see the look on his
09:02
face. He was frustrated, he was
09:02
upset, he was confused. And then
09:06
it all started to catch up to
09:06
him. He realized that I'd taken
09:09
the payroll money the night
09:09
before and I had lost all of it
09:13
gambling at the casino.
09:14  Darrell Evans
So when you say
09:14
secret, your business partner
09:16
didn't know you had this
09:16
problem, and was there anyone
09:19
else in your circle that you
09:19
were hiding this from as well?
09:21  Nate Dukes
So the gambling
09:21
addiction. So we would close
09:24
down the bar at 2.30 at night,
09:24
and then I would take off to the
09:27
casino and I'd stay there from
09:27
2.30 in the morning, all the way
09:31
up until 9am. When everybody
09:31
else is just starting to wake
09:34
up, I'm getting ready to go to
09:34
bed. And so then, this became a
09:38
lifestyle for me and so I'm
09:38
sleeping until the afternoon,
09:40
waking up,, running the
09:40
restaurant and bar and then
09:43
going back to the Casino night
09:43
after night after night. And I
09:47
was really, really good at
09:47
hiding and putting on a fake
09:50
face. Trying to escape and run
09:50
away from my problems, which I
09:54
don't know if anybody's ever
09:54
tried to do before. But
09:57
oftentimes, our problems have a
09:57
way of catching up with us or
10:00
running just as fast as we do.
10:02  Darrell Evans
Oh wow, yes.
10:03  Nate Dukes
Because it's not
10:03
always the problems that the, is
10:06
the issue. Oftentimes it's, it's
10:06
us that's the issue. So now all
10:10
of a sudden, I'm in this
10:10
ultimatum, where my business
10:13
partner, he looks at me and he
10:13
says Nate, you can sign this
10:17
business over to me free and
10:17
clear and walk away from it
10:20
completely or I'm going to get
10:20
lawyers involved and I'm going
10:24
to press charges. So at 26 years
10:24
old, I walked away from what was
10:28
my life's work at that point. I
10:28
didn't know who I was because my
10:32
identity was being wrapped up in
10:32
a business owner. And once you
10:36
took that away from me, I
10:36
completely fell apart. I could
10:39
hardly hold down a job. I could
10:39
go and get a, get a job as a
10:43
server at a local restaurant
10:43
somewhere, but I would resort
10:46
back to what I knew, which was
10:46
taking from the cash register.
10:50
So I'd steal, I get caught, and
10:50
I get fired. It's happened three
10:54
different times. The last time
10:54
it happened, I was walking
10:57
around my parents apartment
10:57
complex. It was three o'clock in
11:01
the morning, I'd just taken a
11:01
handful of pills, and I was
11:04
walking up to different vehicles
11:04
trying to see if any of them
11:08
were unlocked. Really, what I
11:08
was looking for was anything
11:12
that I could take or anything
11:12
that I could sell. And I opened
11:15
up the car door to a 1999 Buick
11:15
LeSabre. And I lifted up the
11:19
center console, and I pulled out
11:19
the spare keys to the car.
11:23
Apparently, that's where you
11:23
keep the spare keys to a 99
11:26
Buick LeSabre. And I just
11:26
thought to myself, maybe this is
11:30
a chance to escape. Maybe this
11:30
is a chance to get away because
11:33
the life that I have now is not
11:33
the life that I want to live.
11:37
And I ah, I didn't wake up that
11:37
morning thinking today's the day
11:41
that I'm going to steal a car.
11:41
But when you find yourself in
11:45
the wrong place with the wrong
11:45
headspace, you never know what
11:48
is possible. So I loaded up a
11:48
couple garbage bags of clothes
11:52
and I took off for Houston,
11:52
Texas. I had a friend that lived
11:56
down there that said, Nate, if
11:56
you ever find a way to get here,
12:00
I'll help you get back on your
12:00
feet. And so I made it about
12:03
halfway, right outside of
12:03
Nashville, Tennessee. A small
12:07
town called Cheatham County, and
12:07
I pulled into a gas station
12:10
because I'd been up for like
12:10
three days at this point and I
12:14
just wanted to get some sleep, I
12:14
was so exhausted. And I remember
12:18
closing my eyes. And at 9am I
12:18
heard three really loud bangs on
12:22
the driver's side door, and a
12:22
stranger's hand reached into the
12:25
car, pulled me out, put me in
12:25
handcuffs and sat me in the back
12:29
of a cop car. And the weight of
12:29
every decision that I'd ever
12:33
made in my life, it sat on my
12:33
chest like a ton of bricks. And
12:37
this thought kept running
12:37
through my head. It was the same
12:40
thought that my business partner
12:40
had told me. It was the same
12:44
thought that people who I had
12:44
taken advantage of had told me,
12:48
but I found that the loudest
12:48
voices are oftentimes the ones
12:51
that are in our own head. And it
12:51
kept saying, You're never going
12:55
to change. This is your life
12:55
now. You're never going to be
12:59
any different. And so they, they
12:59
took me to Cheatham County jail
13:03
where I spent six months of my
13:03
life. So this is a pod style
13:06
facility. So there were 16 bunk
13:06
beds, there were three tables,
13:10
there was two toilets, zero
13:10
windows, and the only chance
13:13
that we got to get out was once
13:13
a month, they offered something
13:17
called church service. Now, I
13:17
wasn't really interested in
13:21
going to church at that time,
13:21
but I was very interested in
13:24
getting out of that pod. And so
13:24
we walked down this long
13:28
cinderblock hallway, off to the
13:28
left hand side, there were 16
13:31
chairs set up. And we're some
13:31
ugly looking dudes at this
13:35
point. So our hair has grown
13:35
out, our beards a mess, orange,
13:38
it's not a great color on any
13:38
guy. And so we walk into this
13:42
room and this really, really old
13:42
guy walks in, and he starts to
13:46
tune up this really, really old
13:46
guitar. And as he's playing it,
13:50
he looks at us and he goes,
13:50
Fellas, the only difference
13:53
between me and you is I never
13:53
got caught for the things that
13:57
I've done. And he starts to sing
13:57
the song, Amazing Grace. And it
14:01
goes Amazing grace, how sweet
14:01
the sound, that saved a wretch
14:04
like me. I once was lost but now
14:04
I'm found. I was blind but now I
14:08
see. And I look around the room
14:08
and I see guys who had hurt
14:12
people. I see, I see people who
14:12
have taken advantage of others,
14:16
with tears starting to stream
14:16
down their face. And it's in
14:19
that moment that this
14:19
overwhelming sense of peace
14:22
actually started to sit on me.
14:22
And that weight started to lift
14:26
off my chest. And I just
14:26
remember in that moment crying
14:30
out to God and saying, if it's
14:30
possible to change, I want to,
14:33
because this is not the life
14:33
that I want to live anymore. And
14:37
so they gave me two years of
14:37
felony probation when I got out
14:41
of jail, and they sent me back
14:41
to Ohio. And that's when I went
14:44
on my journey to try and create
14:44
my comeback. I got really
14:48
obsessed with personal
14:48
development. How do I create
14:51
sustainable change? How do I
14:51
create transformation, not just
14:55
in my life, but in the life of
14:55
others. And now my life looks
14:58
nothing like what it used to
14:58
several years removed from that process.
15:03  Darrell Evans
Yeah, so rich,
15:03
and thank you so much for the
15:05
backstory and the depth, you
15:05
know, of sharing your truths,
15:09
right? A lot of times we go
15:09
through something like that in
15:12
our lives, and it gets tough to
15:12
tell that story because we're
15:15
embarrassed or we're, you know,
15:15
we're afraid of judgment. And I
15:18
want to honor you for for being
15:18
able to go through the work to
15:21
get to the place where you can
15:21
tell the story and . . .
15:23  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
15:23  Darrell Evans
. . . and be good
15:23
with it. And you did talk about
15:25
therapy. I want to talk a little
15:25
bit about that before we go a
15:28
little further.
15:29  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
15:30  Darrell Evans
What pushed you
15:30
or got you into a place of
15:33
therapy because I think when we
15:33
are In a place of suffering, or
15:39
tragedy, or emotional
15:39
disruptiveness, a lot of times
15:44
we think going to a therapist or
15:44
going to get psychiatric help,
15:48
or going to get help, it
15:48
belittles us. It's embarrassing.
15:52
It's not the step to do. So talk
15:52
to us a little bit about this
15:56
journey to go to get therapy in
15:56
the first place.
15:58  Nate Dukes
Yeah, for sure.
15:58
Well, so I think in the early
16:01
90s, there was this stigma
16:01
around internet dating. And I'm
16:05
gonna segue into something
16:05
really cool here. So internet
16:07
dating, you didn't do it,
16:07
because you don't know who
16:10
you're gonna meet. There might
16:10
be a weirdo out there, there
16:12
might be somebody that we're
16:12
just not going to talk about it.
16:14
We're not going to tell people
16:14
where we met. Now, everybody's
16:18
got this app that they're
16:18
swiping left, swiping right,
16:21
it's like, it's almost the only
16:21
way to meet people is, is online
16:24
now. I think there's the same
16:24
thing with mental help with
16:28
therapy, with counseling. There
16:28
was a stigma that was attached
16:31
to it for a really long time.
16:31
And I just really see that
16:34
starting to fall away and fade
16:34
away where it's like, no,
16:38
listen, there's no instruction
16:38
manual for up here, for what's
16:42
going on in our head. And
16:42
sometimes we need a mechanic to
16:45
get in there. We need someone to
16:45
coach us and guide us through
16:48
all of that. And it wasn't until
16:48
I personally came to this place
16:52
that I realized, Nate, maybe I
16:52
don't have all the answers.
16:56
Nate, maybe I can't figure this
16:56
one out. Nate, maybe you need
17:01
some help. And it wasn't until I
17:01
was humble enough to actually
17:05
accept that, to say, Hey, I'm
17:05
willing to reach out for some
17:08
help, that my life started to
17:08
change. And it's not just with a
17:12
therapist or a counselor, but
17:12
it's with mentors in my life,
17:16
it's with people who I have
17:16
given permission to have access
17:20
to me on a deeper level. And
17:20
that's the difference between
17:24
someone telling you what to do,
17:24
and you inviting someone in to
17:28
give you feedback. Is it's
17:28
actually, it becomes my choice.
17:32
I'm allowing it to happen, not
17:32
because I need it, or you think
17:35
that I should go. But because
17:35
I'm actually choosing to become
17:38
the best version of me.
17:40  Darrell Evans
Yeah, change is a
17:40
choice, I love that. Your book
17:43
is entitled, 'You'll Never
17:43
Change'. And one of the bullet
17:47
points that I know you want
17:47
people to get out of it, and one
17:49
of the themes, is that there is
17:49
a way to stop feeling hopeless,
17:55
and turn it into being hopeful.
17:57  Nate Dukes
Yeah,.
17:57  Darrell Evans
Talk to us a
17:57
little bit about that process
17:59
for you. What changed you from a
17:59
point of hopeless, right,
18:02
because for years, you have been
18:02
going down a path where it was
18:06
leading to these outcomes, that
18:06
were not what you ended up
18:09
wanting, and then it continued
18:09
down a path, but what changed
18:13
you from hopeless to hopeful.?
18:15  Nate Dukes
So it all started
18:15
with the relationship that I
18:18
have with myself. So when I got
18:18
out of jail, my little sister,
18:22
she invited me to church and it
18:22
was unlike any real church that
18:25
I've ever been to before. The,
18:25
the music was a little bit
18:28
louder. It was, it was more
18:28
relevant for me in my life and
18:31
where I was at. And I remember
18:31
in that moment going there and
18:35
understanding that God forgave
18:35
me, he loved me, and that my
18:38
life could be different after
18:38
that. The problem was, is that I
18:42
still hadn't yet forgiven
18:42
myself. And so I went on this
18:46
journey of how do I repair the
18:46
relationship with me and out of
18:52
that, I've been able to do some
18:52
really great things and create
18:54
things and have consistency and
18:54
build my self confidence and
18:59
experience, what is it like to
18:59
live a disciplined life, but it
19:02
all started with repairing
19:02
things. I would go as far as to
19:05
say this, the most important
19:05
relationship in my life, besides
19:10
my relationship with God, is the
19:10
relationship that I have with
19:13
myself, it's more important than
19:13
my relationship with my wife,
19:17
only because when I'm good with
19:17
me, I'm a better husband. When
19:23
I'm good with me, I'm a better
19:23
leader. When I'm good with me.
19:26
I'm a better friend. And so I
19:26
constantly am doing inventory to
19:30
figure out hey, what's going on
19:30
with me what's going on in my
19:33
relationship? I don't know if
19:33
you've ever had, like a friend
19:36
who talks behind your back all
19:36
the time. They're more like a
19:40
friend of me than they are an
19:40
actual friend. And when you
19:44  Darrell Evans
Yeah, I actually
19:44
don't know what you're talking
19:46
about. I'm just kidding.
19:48  Nate Dukes
Well, they're out
19:48
there
19:49  Darrell Evans
Everyone
19:49
listening to this show.
19:50  Nate Dukes
They're real.
19:51  Darrell Evans
Everyone listen,
19:51
whether you, whether you know of
19:53
them or not. Everyone says that
19:53
right?
19:56  Nate Dukes
Yeah, and so the
19:56
problem is, is you don't want to
19:58
be around them. But you find
19:58
yourself constantly surrounded
20:01
with this person. And when
20:01
you're not okay with you, it's
20:05
like spending all day with a
20:05
friend of me. So I had to learn
20:09
how do I forgive myself? And how
20:09
do I love myself again, because
20:13
unforgiveness is a prison we'll
20:13
keep ourselves trapped in. And
20:16
it's not until we actually let
20:16
ourself go and free ourselves
20:20
from that, that we can start to
20:20
experience change in our life,
20:23  Darrell Evans
Nate, and I find
20:23
that the title of your book is
20:25
interesting. How did you get to
20:25
the title of the book, 'You'll
20:27
Never Change ', yet it's all
20:27
about change.
20:30  Nate Dukes
Because it's the
20:30
lie. It is the lie. It's the lie
20:33
we tell ourselves. It's the lie
20:33
that other people have told us
20:36
when we were little kids that
20:36
this is just who you are. I
20:39
don't know if you've ever heard
20:39
someone say, Well, I'm gonna do
20:41
me? And that's how I do things.
20:41
And listen, I get that. I
20:45
totally understand. But is there
20:45
another way? Is that really you
20:50
or is that just how we've
20:50
conditioned ourselves or been
20:53
conditioned by our environment,
20:53
to think? I would just propose
20:57
that there might be a different
20:57
version of you that exists if
21:01
you're willing to explore and
21:01
find out who that person is. But
21:05
it's going to require us
21:05
overcoming that lie. That lie of
21:09
like, this is just who I am. I
21:09
just don't buy into that. I
21:13
don't believe that to be true.
21:13
I've seen the effects in other
21:16
people's lives. And I've also
21:16
seen it in my life, that once
21:19
you overcome it, now, all of a
21:19
sudden, you have an opportunity
21:22
to experience a completely
21:22
different life that I've never
21:25
had access to before.
21:27  Darrell Evans
Nate, over the
21:27
years of me having my journey of
21:31
mistakes and learning and
21:31
developing what I call the
21:34
MindShift Method, and you know a
21:34
little bit about that story.
21:37  Nate Dukes
Yeah
21:38  Darrell Evans
That was a
21:38
personal thing but there's of
21:40
course, the business side of it.
21:40
How do you address the comment,
21:43
Once a blank, always a blank?
21:47  Nate Dukes
Yeah, so this is
21:47
very common. This comes from a
21:50
person who is hurt. This comes
21:50
from a person who feels like
21:55
their trust has been broken. It
21:55
comes from a person who has been
21:59
taken advantage of, and I just
21:59
believe that there are going to
22:03
be people in our lives, who know
22:03
a version of us, that doesn't
22:07
exist anymore. And that's okay.
22:07
It is okay. There's a version of
22:13
us that doesn't exist anymore.
22:13
And that's all that person knows
22:17
and so my prayer for a long time
22:17
has been, God, would you give me
22:20
the opportunity to reintroduce
22:20
myself? Would you give me the
22:23
opportunity for them to meet a
22:23
new version of me, so that they
22:28
can realize that yes, I have
22:28
changed and, and listen, the
22:31
only thing that I can do is make
22:31
sure my side of the street stays
22:34
clean. I can't control what that
22:34
person thinks about me. And the
22:37
reality is, I've probably given
22:37
them every reason to think what
22:41
they do. Now my goal is just in
22:41
the future, is to help other
22:45
people not fall into the same
22:45
trap that I have.
22:48  Darrell Evans
Oh, that's so
22:48
good. Nate. Goodness gracious.
22:51
That begs for me, then this
22:51
other question that is on my
22:54
mind, and I want you to teach me
22:54
about this because when you make
23:00
a mistake, that hurts others. So
23:00
you make a mistake, and it
23:04
almost always hurts you. You may
23:04
not realize it in the moment,
23:06
but it hurts you.
23:07  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
23:08  Darrell Evans
But if you're
23:08
hurting others with intent, or,
23:10
or without intent, but other
23:10
people are hurt, and then you
23:14
forgive you . . .
23:16  Nate Dukes
Yeah.
23:16  Darrell Evans
. . . but yet you
23:16
still feel guilty about the
23:19
thing that happened to them.
23:19
Talk to me about that.
23:22  Nate Dukes
Yeah, well, so this
23:22
is so common. It's something
23:25
that I've dealt with. Anybody
23:25
that's made a major mistake or
23:28
failure or mess up, we see it
23:28
happen all of the time. So first
23:33
of all, know that if you're
23:33
listening to this, and you've
23:35
made your fair share, you're not
23:35
alone. Second of all, when it
23:39
comes to repairing the damage of
23:39
our past, we have to be, number
23:45
one, willing to accept it, own
23:45
up to it, and make amends as
23:48
much as possible to that person.
23:48
Once we've apologized, once
23:53
we've tried to repair the
23:53
damage, it's really now out of
23:57
our control what they do next.
23:57
Do they forgive us? Do they not
24:01
forgive us? That's ultimately up
24:01
to them to do it. And there may
24:05
be some trauma attached to that,
24:05
that they have to now do their
24:09
own personal work to try and
24:09
work through that trauma. Guilt
24:14
and shame do not serve us. So
24:14
staying guilty or shameful
24:20
because of the mistakes we've
24:20
made or the damage that we've
24:22
done, doesn't help us help other
24:22
people in the future. Doesn't
24:27
help us make an impact in the
24:27
future. Doesn't help us change
24:31
not just the world but our world
24:31
around us in the future. So I do
24:36
the best that I can to overcome
24:36
guilt. And it's kissing cousin
24:40
shame. All right, they're both
24:40
very closely related. But all I
24:44
can do and I just touched on
24:44
this, is I've got to make sure
24:47
that I've done my part, keep my
24:47
side of the street clean, and
24:51
then just continue to move
24:51
forward hoping that that person
24:55
forgives me but there's some
24:55
people in my past that still
24:58
haven't chosen to forgive me and
24:58
that's okay, I'm okay with that.
25:03
I don't like it. I don't want it
25:03
but I've come to a peace with it
25:05
because now I'm on mission. Now
25:05
I have a project. Now I have
25:10
something that I'm actually
25:10
charged with now to do to help
25:14
other people create their own
25:14
comeback and help other people
25:17
repair the damage of their past
25:17
and so I can't control what
25:21
other people are going to think
25:21
about me especially when that
25:24
person doesn't exist anymore.
25:24
Who I was, is not who I am
25:28
today. And just because I've
25:28
made some mistakes, it doesn't
25:32
make me a mistake.
25:34  Darrell Evans
The next two
25:34
questions I have just, I want to
25:37
talk about the work that you're
25:37
doing today. I think it's
25:39
absolutely impressive. It is
25:39
incredible. And let's be clear
25:44
with the audience listening. If
25:44
you're listening to this right
25:46
now, we're not talking about a
25:46
guy who did and experienced this
25:50
transformation 20 years ago, 10
25:50
years ago, five years ago. Nate,
25:57
this transformation for you has
25:57
happened over the last, what
26:00
period of time and this is 2021
26:00
right now?
26:03  Nate Dukes
Yeah. So I walked
26:03
out of jail, March 17th, 2017.
26:08  Darrell Evans
Gotcha.
26:09  Nate Dukes
So we're coming up
26:09
on a little over four years ago,
26:11  Darrell Evans
Right. I guess my
26:11
point to all this is, the wisdom
26:15
you have, the work that you've
26:15
put in to be able to eloquently
26:19
articulate the principles that
26:19
now drive your life, the
26:21  Nate Dukes
That's so good.
26:23
ideologies of the past that took
26:23
you down a path of what I like
26:27
to call breakdowns, I don't like
26:27
to call them failures, I call
26:32
them breakdowns, right.
26:34  Darrell Evans
Breakdowns in
26:34
judgment, breakdowns in
26:36
decision, which is where I want
26:36
my next question to go. Because
26:39
I believe one of my earliest
26:39
mentors taught me that is in the
26:42
moment of your decision, that
26:42
your destiny is shaped.
26:45  Nate Dukes
Come on.
26:46  Darrell Evans
Come on now,
26:46
right? So you talk a lot about
26:50
this idea of making good
26:50
decisions and new decisions. And
26:55
I want to know, what governs
26:55
your decision making today? And
26:58
I think I've heard a root of it.
26:58
But let's talk a little bit
27:01
about what keeps you on the path
27:01
of good decision making today.
27:04  Nate Dukes
Yeah, so first of
27:04
all, I love that you have
27:06
mentors and people who are
27:06
speaking into your life. The
27:08
reason why I've been able to
27:08
accumulate any amount of wisdom
27:12
that I have isn't because I
27:12
figured it out, or I'm so good.
27:15
It's because I actually listened
27:15
when people talked. I paid
27:19
attention to someone who had
27:19
something that I wanted. And so
27:23
now my decision making is based
27:23
on one thing, and one thing
27:26
only. And that is the vision
27:26
that I've created for my life.
27:31  Darrell Evans
Come on.
27:31  Nate Dukes
So when I start to
27:31
talk to people about this stuff,
27:34
I ask them the question like,
27:34
What do you want your life to
27:37
look like? Like in an ideal
27:37
world, what would it look like?
27:41
And people say, t hey say things
27:41
that are pretty generic, mostly
27:44
because we've never really
27:44
thought about the question
27:47
before. And they'll say things
27:47
like, I just want my kids to be
27:51
taken care of, I just want the
27:51
bills to be paid, I just want to
27:55
be happy. And while that is
27:55
intrinsically, there's nothing
27:58
wrong with that. Those are
27:58
actually really great things to
28:01
want, it isn't specific enough.
28:01
And so until we get very crystal
28:05
clear on what we want our life
28:05
to look at, there will always be
28:09
someone who will come along and
28:09
tell us what it should look
28:12
like. It's like if you go to the
28:12
airport right now and you you
28:16
say, hey, I want to fly in an
28:16
airplane. I guarantee you,
28:19
they'll sell you a ticket. But
28:19
the question is, is it anywhere
28:23
that you actually want to go?
28:23
And so we want to start to ask
28:26
questions like, What do I want
28:26
my legacy to be? What do I want
28:30
to pass down to the next
28:30
generation? What do I want
28:33
people to say about me when I
28:33
walk out of the room? I mean, if
28:36
we want to get very specific,
28:36
what kind of money do I want to
28:40
make? And this isn't like some
28:40
voodoo or a little woowoo out
28:43
there. What I'm suggesting is,
28:43
is like once we have a clear
28:47
target, let's start to now
28:47
reverse engineer how do we get
28:50
there. And that's where your
28:50
decision making comes in. So you
28:54
have to have a very clear
28:54
vision, that's step one. Have a
28:57
vision, that's very crystal
28:57
clear. The second part is, is,
29:00
now I'm making decisions every
29:00
single day, that either pull me
29:04
away from that vision, or pull
29:04
me towards that vision.
29:06  Darrell Evans
It's binary. I
29:06
love that.
29:08  Nate Dukes
I'm either building
29:08
bricks to my empire, or I'm
29:11
taking bricks, and I'm throwing
29:11
them away. And so now you have
29:15
your vision, you add in your
29:15
decisions. Here's the hardest
29:17
part and I have not found a life
29:17
hack for this yet. Now you have
29:22
to multiply all of this by time.
29:22
The hardest four letter word any
29:27
of us are ever going to hear is
29:27
wait. Wait is the hardest thing
29:31
to do, especially when you're
29:31
like, I'm doing the right thing,
29:33
I'm doing the right thing, I
29:33
know where I want to go. But my
29:36
life, it's not any different. I
29:36
just, I just want to give you
29:40
permission to slow down and say
29:40
it's okay. Keep doing the hard
29:43
thing. Keep working. Tim Ferriss
29:43
says that everything we want in
29:47
life is on the other side of an
29:47
uncomfortable conversation. Keep
29:51
having those uncomfortable
29:51
conversations with other people
29:53
and yourself. Don't give up yet.
29:53
Giving up never got you anywhere
29:58
that you wanted to go. So we're
29:58
not going to give up this time.
30:01
But I just need you to know,
30:01
this thing is going to take some
30:04
time. And you can right now go
30:04
throw a frozen pizza in the oven
30:09
and it'll taste okay. It's
30:09
edible. But it's not going to be
30:13
all that great. There's
30:13
something special about barbecue
30:17
man, that's been cooking for 12
30:17
hours. There's something special
30:20
in the process. Allow the time
30:20
of your life and the process to
30:25
take effect and take place
30:25
before you give up.
30:28  Darrell Evans
So good. Tell
30:28
everyone really quick about the
30:30
work you're doing. I was really
30:30
impressed by some of the work
30:33
you're doing as we get ready to
30:33
wrap this up.
30:35  Nate Dukes
Yeah, so a thing
30:35
that I'm super proud of right
30:37
now is that I get to travel and
30:37
share my message at different
30:41
events, both virtually, but also
30:41
in person. I also go to
30:44
different rehab and recovery
30:44
centers where I'm actually able
30:47
to give this book away for free
30:47
to people who need it the most,
30:51
not because I'm any good, but
30:51
because I've partnered with
30:54
people who are willing to pay it
30:54
forward and buy a book for
30:57
someone that they've never met
30:57
before. I'm working on getting
31:01
this book to become curriculum
31:01
at different rehab facilities
31:04
across the state of Ohio right
31:04
now. And next year in 2022, I
31:08
have a really big plan to really
31:08
start to take this thing on a
31:11
national level. So I'm really
31:11
excited for and I'm passionate
31:15
about other people's comeback
31:15
story. Because our stories have
31:19
the ability to change other
31:19
people's stories.
31:23  Darrell Evans
So good! Nate,
31:23
your comeback is amazing. You're
31:25
doing amazing work. I can't wait
31:25
to watch more of your journey.
31:28
Where can people find the book
31:28
and connect with you elsewhere
31:31
online?
31:32  Nate Dukes
Yeah, so if you'd
31:32
like to buy the book, you can go
31:34
to Amazon and just type in,
31:34
You'll Never Change. Or you can
31:37
pick it up at the website at
31:37
www.youllneverchange.com. You
31:42
will also be able to pay it
31:42
forward there as well. If you'd
31:45
like to connect with me
31:45
personally, you can find me on
31:47
Facebook or Instagram. And it's
31:47
@WhoIsNateDukes.
31:53  Darrell Evans
That's awesome. I
31:53
always asked this last question
31:56
to my guests. And I'm really
31:56
interested to hear your answer.
31:58
And that is if for whatever
31:58
reason, your journey ended
32:01
tonight. You were not able to be
32:01
on this planet earth that we
32:03
love so much tomorrow, what
32:03
would you want everybody to
32:06
remember you for?
32:07  Nate Dukes
Yeah. So in my early
32:07
days, especially when I was
32:10
trying to figure this out, I
32:10
would have said something like,
32:13
He tried his hardest, he did the
32:13
best that he could, but he
32:16
didn't always get it right. And
32:16
I think there's something
32:18
special about that, really, when
32:18
you're trying to do the work,
32:21
like put your best foot forward,
32:21
work as hard as you can. That's
32:23
all that matters. But now that
32:23
I'm kind of on the other side of
32:27
it, I really want people to know
32:27
that I cared. I care a whole
32:31
lot. And I'm super passionate
32:31
about seeing other people step
32:34
into everything that they've
32:34
been designed and created for.
32:38
But I also want them to know
32:38
that I'm not afraid to give them
32:41
the hard truth that maybe other
32:41
people have been avoiding to
32:44
tell them. Because for me the
32:44
hard truths in my life, they
32:48
opened me up to the blind spots
32:48
in my life. And it's not until
32:52
we become sober enough to the
32:52
truth and the reality of our
32:55
life, that we can actually start
32:55
to change it. So for me it would
32:59
be, He's passionate and he cares
32:59
so much about seeing other
33:04
people step into everything that
33:04
they have, but not because it's
33:07
out of some fake encouragement,
33:07
but because it's based in truth,
33:11
and it's the work and it's the
33:11
hard truth that we all need to
33:14
hear.
33:15  Darrell Evans
So good. Nate
33:15
Dukes! Thank you for being here
33:17
on The MindShift Podcast.
33:17
Listen, folks, if you've been
33:20
listening to this show, today,
33:20
you can't help but be inspired
33:23
by Nate's work. Listen, whatever
33:23
you've got going on in your
33:25
life, this isn't about
33:25
comparing. It's literally about
33:28
taking his message of, you can
33:28
change your story, you can come
33:34
back, you can make new
33:34
decisions, you can in fact,
33:37
prove them wrong by taking your
33:37
hopelessness to hopefullness.
33:41
And Nate is an amazing author
33:41
and speaker. I hope you'll reach
33:45
out and connect with him. We'll
33:45
link up all of his resources in
33:48
the show notes. And again, Nate,
33:48
thank you for being here on The
33:50
MindShift Podcast and hopefully
33:50
we'll stay in touch in the
33:53
future.
33:53  Nate Dukes
I'd love that man.
33:53
This is a great show. Keep up
33:56
the amazing work. I'm a, I'm a
33:56
super fan now.
33:58  Darrell Evans
Appreciate you.
34:01  The MindShift Podcast
Hey my
34:01
friend, thanks again for
34:02
listening to today's episode of
34:02
The MindShift Podcast. Listen,
34:05
let's not have the conversation
34:05
in here. Connect with me on
34:08
social @MrDarrellEvans on almost
34:08
all the platforms, with the
34:12
exception of Facebook. My
34:12
Facebook fanpage is
34:15
@DarrellEvansFan. Until next
34:15
week, remember you're just one
34:19
shift away from the breakthrough
34:19
you're looking for.