They call it "reactive abuse" when it's self-defense.
They say the blame lies with you when you're anything less than happy and supportive about the lies he's been telling for years.
You're the problem for being the victim of his abusive behaviors?
These are the ways they victim blame you. Kate is back on the BTR podcast explaining victim blaming modalities with Anne. Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast for more.
They Call Self-Defense "Reactive Abuse"
At BTR, we recognize that there is no such thing as "reactive abuse".
It's self-defense; it's protective action.
When the abuser and his enablers call it "reactive abuse" they are putting you and the abuser on the same playing field - which is ridiculous. Abuse is about an unequal dynamic of control. That's why it's abuse.
Let's say a husband is standing in the doorway and a wife wants to get out and she pushes him or she throws stuff. They call that reactive abuse. You were reacting in an abusive way or you were being mutually abusive. So he's being abusive and you're being abusive. And that whole thing is completely bogus because, because what is the intent behind it? If an abuser is standing in the doorway blocking you and you push him, it is not the same thing. It's self-defense; self-defense is not the same thing as abuse. If we were talking about murder, if somebody came into your home and tried to kill you, tried to kill your family, and you shot them, what would they call that? In most cases that is self defense. So how would it feel if people were like, you murdered that man. It wasn't murder. So why would anybody call it reactive murder? It's not murder. It is self defense. There is a huge difference because of the intent behind it.Kate, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Member
They Call Normal Responses To Abuse "Crazy"
Victims need to know that normal reactions to abuse or disclosures of abuse are anger, sadness. They can be hysterical; if they are not hysterical from just finding out that they've been abused for 10 years, emotionally and psychologically and are a victim of sexual coercion, like, are they okay? And so for the Pornography Addiction Recovery Complex to say victims, you need to be really careful about how you respond to him so you don't hurt him when he admits to abusing - that's insane. It's absolutely crazy.Anne Blythe, Founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
The Pornography Addiction Recovery Complex (PARC) is especially guilty of victim blaming in that they put a stupidly harmful expectation on victims to never, ever behave like victims.
When victims discover abusive behaviors, the PARC tells victims that unless they respond with emotions like patience and understanding and compassion and love - we're crazy. We're the abusers.
It's a gigantic gaslight.
Thanks, CSATs of the world.
The Drama Triangle Doesn't Apply To Abusive Situations
One common victim blaming modality is The Drama Triangle - wherein victims are the instigators of all relationtional issues. But the interesting thing here is that the concept of the drama triangle was never intended to be applied to actual abuse scenarios...