Many women wonder how to stop a husband from using pornography, or being unfaithful in other ways. Whatever form that infidelity takes, from pornography use and masturbation to affairs to prostitutes, when the signs of infidelity are present, it's natural to want to stop the infidelity in an attempt to save a marriage.
When my husband and I lived together I often thought why does my husband hate me? Now I often wonder, how can I stop my divorce and save my marriage? When we lived together, he seemed so angry at little things and so unforgiving. I was constantly trying to control his mood, so that I wouldn't have to take the brunt of his abuse. 3 Ways To Stop Infidelity
Sadly there was nothing I could do to stop my husband's infidelity and abuse. I'm learning that I do have choices concerning my own behavior. Here are three things that can actually benefit us when we are faced with infidelity and abuse in our marriage.
1. Learn that we are powerless over the behavior, actions, and reactions of adults.
2. Understand that our attempts to control or ignore the sexual behavior and abuse led to a decline in our emotional health and may enable our husbands to continue to practice his disease.
3. Ask God to help us stop blaming and trying to control our husband's sexual behaviors, mood, and perceptions of us.
In this podcast, I use two different terms frequently SAL and S-Anon. SAL is short for SALifeline, or Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline. SAL meetings are interfaith, and use the S-Anon materials for their study. SAL meetings are structured a bit differently that S-Anon meetings. For example, the SAL 12 Step Betrayal Trauma Recovery Meeting is for women only. We begin and end in prayer. I prefer SAL meetings because I have trouble being truly vulnerable around men at this point in my recovery. And since vulnerability is essential to recovery.
So in short, I attend my weekly SAL Meeting, and I use the S-Anon materials for my step study.
The following checklist is from the S-Anon blue book, and will give you an idea if you are enabling your husband's compulsive sexual behavior and / or abuse.Have You Done These Things In An Attempt To Save Your Marriage?
- Have you felt embarrassed or hurt by someone’s sexual conduct?
- Have you covered up or lied about another person’s sexual conduct?
- Have you had financial problems because of someone’s sexual behavior?
- Have you searched for clues about someone’s sexual behavior?
- Have you felt betrayed or abandoned by someone you loved and trusted?
- Have you tried to control somebody’s sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like filtering someone’s computer or phone, secretly looking at their internet history, searching their phone, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
- Have you used sex to keep peace in a relationship?
- Have you tried to convince yourself that someone else’s sexual thoughts and behavior shouldn’t bother you?
- Are you afraid to upset the lust addict for fear that he will leave you?
- Have you doubted your emotions, your attractiveness, your sanity?
- Have you felt responsible for the sexual behavior of another person?
- Have you felt angry and/or stupid for not knowing about someone’s sexual acting out behavior?
- Have you ever thought about or attempted to kill yourself because of someone’s sexual behavior?
- Has your preoccupation with someone’s sexual thoughts and behavior affected your relationships with your children, your co-workers, and/or other friends or family members?
- Have you felt that sex plays an all-consuming role in your relationship?
- Have you neglected your physical and/or emotional health while in a relationship?
- Have you helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble, or feared legal action as a result of his or her sexual behavior?
- Have you blamed other people, such as friends or sexual partners, society in general, his job, religion, or birth family for someone’s sexual behavior?
- Have you felt confused about what is true when talking with the lust addict?
- Have you engaged in uncomfortable, unwanted, or physically dangerous sexual behavior?
- Have you avoided painful emotions by using drugs, alcohol, or food or by being too busy?
- Have you ever felt that someone was inappropriately attracted to you or your children?
- Have you felt alone or too ashamed to ask for help?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, please consider attending SAL 12 Step Betrayal Trauma Group. Saving your marriage will start with you getting the healing that you need to be strong enough to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, and to have the life you want.