Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

"Don't ignore the red flags."



That's the main piece of advice that Ayla, from the BTR.ORG community, would give to her younger self.



But what are the red flags that would later reveal that the man she married was a violent, controlling abuser?



Read on to learn the 5 Red Flags You Need To Know to protect yourself from abusive men - and listen to the BTR.ORG podcast (full transcript included below) for more.



Coming On Strong Early On



Like most red flags, abusers will often come on very strong early on. In Ayla's case, her abuser immediately began to love-bomb her with attention, a job offer, flattery, and affection.



Abusers may:



* Tell you they love you* Ask you to be in a committed relationship* Initiate sex* Propose* Ask you to meet their family* Give you money or ask you for money* Divulge "secrets"



Early on in order to "bond" with you.



Isolating You (It'll Seem Romantic At First)



The red flag of isolation may be hard to spot because it can be camouflaged romantically.



Abusers may isolate victims by usurping their time. They may want to spend every waking moment with the victim, which can feel romantic. They may condition the victim to feel dependent on them OR tell the victim that they (the abuser) are emotionally dependent on the victim.



Abusers often take up so much emotional and physical space in the victim's life that the isolation feels impossible to avoid. Victims may not see their friends or family as often as before and may feel guilty when they aren't with the abuser.



Isolation often extends to a physical move to a rural area or a state or country where the abuser doesn't have any friends or family.



Pushing You To Have a Child With Them



Interestingly, abusers often request and then push for the victim to bear their child.



I think a lot of abusers want their victims to get pregnant because it's a way for them to be able to basically control you the rest of your life.Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG



If he is talking about having a child with you early on, or after you have expressed hesitation, consider that this is a red flag.



Having a child with someone ties you to them, legally, until the child is eighteen. This is a sure-fire way for the abuser to have contact with you and a degree of control in your life and the child's life.



"You're Saving Me" (Also Romantic At First)



The abuser may use phrases like:



* I didn't know what I needed until you came along.* I felt this void until you were here, now I feel whole.* When I'm not with you I feel empty.* I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life until I met you.* I need you. I'm not okay without you.* Now that I have you, I'll be able to be a better man.



Ayla's abuser coupled this "You are my savior" red flag with isolation when he moved their small family to the mountains:



I was exactly what he was needing in his life to become a better person. Of course I believed it. I believed all of that, but then I understood that I kept having to call the police to help me out.Ayla, Member of the BTR.ORG Community



Spending Time Studying Resources About How To Abuse Women (Calling You Out, Robert Greene)



One red flag that is rarely discussed is the insidious and calculated effort that abusers take to lea...