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episode 256: The Truth About "Reactive Abuse"
Have you done something that you're ashamed of or embarrassed about in response to your husband's abuse?
You may have heard the term "Reactive Abuse" used to identify your behavior in association to how you respond to your husband's abusiveness - but here's the thing: at BTR, we know that you are not the abuser. Your response to your husband's abuse is not co-abuse. It's protective action.
Leslie is back on the BTR.ORG podcast, taking a deep dive with Anne into the truth about reactive abuse. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR.ORG podcast for more.
"Reactive Abuse" Is the Abuser's Goal
I do not want victims labeled as also abusers in trying to defend themselves from abuse. That's what the abuser wants. He wants to see it as sort of like, well, we both have problems and we're both unhealthy, when really it needs to be viewed as: you've got an abuser and then you have a victim who's trying to survive.
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
The whole belief behind "Reactive Abuse" takes accountability away from the abuser - "I (the abuser) may have issues - but so does she, so I'm not fully to blame."
As we know, abusers will do just about anything to avoid accountability - including pushing and pushing the victim until she bursts and acts in a way that is against her normal character. Then he'll use that to claim that she is abusive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58OZhEA8jDM
It's Not "Reactive Abuse" - It's Self-Defense
Imagine a bully on a playground relentlessly teasing a younger child. The younger child tries to talk it out, enlist teachers for help, hide, and eventually snaps. The younger child fights back, yells, and calls names. And then the younger child is the one punished because the bully is extremely talented at hiding his cruelty.
At BTR.ORG, we know that the protective action that you have taken in emotional moments when you just can't take anymore - is self-defense against relentless psychological abuse.
At BTR we just see that as trying to defend yourself, right? That's it. You're not abusing them reactively or anything like that. You're literally being hit in the head and you are trying to defend yourself.
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
How Do I Stop Acting Outside of My Value System?
Many women in the BTR.ORG community ask: I understand that what I'm doing is defending myself, but I'm tired of feeling ashamed of my behavior. How can I stop acting this way?
The truth is that as long as you are in close proximity to an abuser, you will probably find yourself taking protective action from time to time. Your value system may be compromised as you find yourself in situations where you simply can't take anymore.
The only way to live within your personal value system is to set clear boundaries and live by them - separating yourself from the harm that causes you to react in ways that you do not want to react.
BTR.ORG is Here For You
At BTR.ORG, we know the utter hopelessness that can accompany psychological abuse. You deserve peace. Access our Group Sessions today. We love you. We believe you.
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG.