Many women experience a light bulb moment when they realize that what they've been experiencing all along is abuse - and feel that the immediate, appropriate course of action is to tell the abuser.
Leslie is back on the BTR podcast with Anne sharing your next steps as you work toward safety once you've determined that you're experiencing abuse. Listen to the free BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
Here's Why You DON'T Tell Your Husband He's Abusive
While you may have the urge, or perhaps were counseled by clergy or a therapist to disclose to your husband that he is abusive - and provide resources that back you up - it's simply not safe to do so.
Informing the abuser that it's abuse sets you up to be manipulated and abused more covertly than before:
[When you confront them] all they hear is, I need to deceive better, I need to manipulate better, I need to groom better. And then it puts you in a position to be groomed more.
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
It's Not Your Job To Change The Abuser - It's Your Job To Seek Safety
Usually we tell the abuser that it's abuse in order to get them to stop the abusiveness - ultimately we want them to change the behavior so that we don't have to end the marriage.
But a grown man doesn't need to be taught that lying, manipulation, gaslighting, yelling at, intimidating, and sexually assaulting his own wife is wrong.
If you are explaining this over and over, or even once, to an adult man, please understand that he is manipulating you.
You cannot change this man - you can only get yourself to a safe proximity from him.
So What Do I DO When I Realize It's Abuse?
Realizing and accepting that it's abuse is a life-shattering moment of awakening for many women in the BTR.ORG community.
Rather than taking this new realization and supporting evidence (like articles, podcasts, books, etc) to the abuser, Anne advises:
Quietly observe and do not confront. Gather enough evidence for yourself to know that you can prepare all the paperwork. If divorce is where you're going, prepare all the paperwork.
Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG
Seek support from the BTR.ORG Group Sessions. We are here for you during this time - we understand the devastation of abuse - and the heartbreak and fear that comes when you realize that's what it was all along. Don't embark on the journey toward safety and healing alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dol0pvVUrWQ
Full Transcript:
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne.
I'm finishing the conversation with Leslie today. She was on the last two episodes, (What Do Abuse Victims Look Like? and The Truth About Reactive Abuse) so if you have not heard her story yet, go back two episodes. Listen there first and then join us here. We're gonna get started talking about the postnup agreement that she had her ex sign when he went to rehab for sex addiction.