Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're
Speaker 1: going to talk about emotional unavailability across a number of settings,
Speaker 1: not just in romantic relationships, which I think is where
Speaker 1: our mind often goes, but also in our friendships and
Speaker 1: the emotional availability that we have within ourselves. I think
Speaker 1: this term, this concept has become a massive part of
Speaker 1: our shared dialogue recently. I see it being talked about
Speaker 1: everywhere and use to describe certain people and relationships. It's
Speaker 1: very much a psychobabble term, and I think for good reason,
Speaker 1: it's a really important idea to discuss. But I also
Speaker 1: think there are a lot of misconceptions around this idea
Speaker 1: of emotional unavailability that I think we should clear up today.
Speaker 1: So I really want to break down exactly what it
Speaker 1: means to be emotionally unavailable versus available. On today's episode,
Speaker 1: I think on a similar level, it's also vital to
Speaker 1: discuss in our twenties because it's really a critical element
Speaker 1: of the work that we need to do to become
Speaker 1: good humans, to have healthy, long term relationships, to be happy,
Speaker 1: and emotional availability is so nuanced, as is kind of
Speaker 1: the psychology behind it. Really. I think we do often
Speaker 1: think about it in terms of our relationships, but as
Speaker 1: we always say on this show, the most important relationship
Speaker 1: you will ever have is the one that you have
Speaker 1: with yourself. And something that I think isn't discussed about
Speaker 1: enough is that you're never really going to be able
Speaker 1: to be emotionally available to others or vulnerable or find
Speaker 1: a partner who was emotionally available if you're not in
Speaker 1: touch with your own emotional needs. So I really want
Speaker 1: to focus on that today. But I think on that
Speaker 1: same level, a massive element of our twenties is romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: I get questions about emotional unavailability and romantic relationships all
Speaker 1: the time, And let me tell you, I have dated
Speaker 1: and meant enough emotionally unavailable people to write a book
Speaker 1: of this batter And I think these days it seems
Speaker 1: a lot harder to truly know someone and be vulnerable
Speaker 1: because a lot of people are more transactional about their relationships,
Speaker 1: and this often stems from emotional unavailability. And I think
Speaker 1: it could be really terrible to want to connect with
Speaker 1: someone and really care about them, but find that they're
Speaker 1: really closed off, they're unable to express their feelings, or
Speaker 1: they're tied down by emotions from a previous relationship. So
Speaker 1: how do we identify these people and what do we
Speaker 1: do in the face of emotional unavailability. I think our
Speaker 1: tendency is to keep pushing these individuals and thinking that
Speaker 1: they will change or that we can change them. But
Speaker 1: what will become apparent I think as we dive into
Speaker 1: the psychology is that that's not always the case, and
Speaker 1: I certainly don't think it's the way that we should
Speaker 1: do things. And I think the real, hard truth of
Speaker 1: the matter is that our own emotional unavailability is what
Speaker 1: actually attracts these people. So let's talk about it today.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about all those nuances. We're going to break
Speaker 1: down exactly what emotional availability versus unavailability looks like, how
Speaker 1: it manifests in our relationship, what it means on a
Speaker 1: personal and individual level, how to kind of cultivate emotional
Speaker 1: availability within yourself, and I also want to talk on,
Speaker 1: you know, some of the origins and the difference between
Speaker 1: men and women when it comes to this concept, and
Speaker 1: how we can really begin to recognize emotional unavailability in
Speaker 1: ourselves and in others. So there is a lot to cover, us,
Speaker 1: so much to cover, But I'm also really excited for
Speaker 1: this episode. I think it really is essential listening for
Speaker 1: anyone in this decade. So let's get into it as
Speaker 1: we always do. Let's firstly break down the basics, what
Speaker 1: exactly is emotional unavailability and where did the concept originate.
Speaker 1: I think it's important to look at emotional availability as
Speaker 1: a starting point because the profile of what an emotionally
Speaker 1: available person looks like kind of allows us to understand
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability a lot better. If you are someone who
Speaker 1: is emotionally available, I hope that is all of us
Speaker 1: who are listening. That essentially means that you are able
Speaker 1: to express your emotions in a healthy manner, You can
Speaker 1: form meaningful connections with others. You display commitment, particularly in
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. You're not afraid to be vulnerable, you are
Speaker 1: consistent in your emotional approach. You have meaningful conversations, and
Speaker 1: you're able to be honest about how you're feeling. Even
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't exhibit all of these traits, it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you're necessarily unavailable. You know, there are a
Speaker 1: range of factors as to why we're not vulnerable with everyone,
Speaker 1: or why you haven't been in a committed relationship. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it is personal preference, or you just haven't found the
Speaker 1: right person. I think a big misconception attached to emotional
Speaker 1: unavailability is that every individual who is like this is
Speaker 1: afraid of commitment. That is true, I would say in
Speaker 1: some case, maybe most, but it's not always the case.
Speaker 1: Many people who we would classify as emotionally unavailable do
Speaker 1: find themselves in long term partnerships and marriages. They want
Speaker 1: love like every other living and breathing person on this planet.
Speaker 1: But it's what occurs in those relationships that is the
Speaker 1: true hallmark of emotional unavailability. An emotionally unavailable person is
Speaker 1: going to have a hard time giving and receiving and
Speaker 1: reciprocating emotions, or being vulnerable and open with those in
Speaker 1: their lives. And it is normally the case that these
Speaker 1: people are highly socially advanced, and they will seek out
Speaker 1: romantic encounters. But when it comes to the complex emotional
Speaker 1: situations that are bound to occur in any long term relationship,
Speaker 1: when it comes to conflict or being emotionally intimate and committed,
Speaker 1: they become really anxious, They can't cope, they shut down,
Speaker 1: or they flee all together. So what happens is that
Speaker 1: these individuals may find themselves married or in long term
Speaker 1: relationships or with lots of friends, but they're going to
Speaker 1: be lacking because they are unable to reach the depths
Speaker 1: of their emotions and share what they're really feeling in
Speaker 1: a manner that is conducive to real emotional closeness and intimacy.
Speaker 1: Of course, emotional unavailability looks very different in the context
Speaker 1: of dating, particularly in our twenties. As you can imagine,
Speaker 1: if you are someone who is not comfortable with your
Speaker 1: own emotions and lacks the ability to be emotionally intimate,
Speaker 1: you are going to have a very hard time dating,
Speaker 1: especially if you're looking for commitment. These individuals, if you've
Speaker 1: come across them, they may come off as really standoffish.
Speaker 1: They lack affection, they fail to communicate, they ghost you,
Speaker 1: They may like to cool all the shots, or they
Speaker 1: shut things down when it starts to get serious and vulnerable.
Speaker 1: And it's not because they don't necessarily want to go deeper.
Speaker 1: It's actually because they can't. All of these characteristics come
Speaker 1: from a place of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment,
Speaker 1: fear of getting to know someone and then losing them.
Speaker 1: That is what's at the core, and it's a really
Speaker 1: crucial part of emotional unavailability, all of these evasive behavioral patterns.
Speaker 1: It's not because the person is a sociopath. It's because
Speaker 1: they're actually scared. Emotional unavailability pulling away from others when
Speaker 1: things get tough. It's essentially a coping mechanism that has
Speaker 1: been unconsciously enlisted to protect someone from emotional pain. Most
Speaker 1: of the time, I think most individuals who are going
Speaker 1: through this or who have this kind of characteristic, they
Speaker 1: may not even consciously realize what they're doing, but more importantly,
Speaker 1: they don't understand the why. And to understand and the why,
Speaker 1: we need to understand the origins of this concept. We
Speaker 1: need to understand the origins of this condition. You may
Speaker 1: have already put this together, but there is a lot
Speaker 1: of overlap between emotional unavailability and an avoidant attachment style.
Speaker 1: Much like how people with an avoidant attachment style avoid
Speaker 1: emotional closeness. They withdraw, they suppress emotions, they're highly independent,
Speaker 1: they fear rejection. Emotionally unavailable people are very much the same.
Speaker 1: They're highly similar, and most of the time they're linked.
Speaker 1: There was this one study conducted, i think at UC Berkeley,
Speaker 1: and it looked it parent and child separation and reunion.
Speaker 1: So this is what they use to understand attachment styles.
Speaker 1: They essentially have a child in a room, they ask
Speaker 1: their parent to leave for a few minutes, and they
Speaker 1: observe how the child reacts when they return, and based
Speaker 1: on their reaction, based on their behavior, these psychologists of
Speaker 1: the person observing can understand their attachment style. They ran
Speaker 1: one of these studies and what they found was that
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability was linked to avoidant attachment style or attachment disorganization.
Speaker 1: And we know that our attachment styles begin in infancy
Speaker 1: and in childhood, and many psychologists theorize that this is
Speaker 1: where the origins of emotional unavailability lie as well. When
Speaker 1: they had a bit of a deeper look into this idea,
Speaker 1: researchers found that most people who meet this profile have
Speaker 1: had an upbringing that is characterized by a lack of
Speaker 1: emotional closeness with their caregiver, or they report having a
Speaker 1: parent who was unresponsive to their emotional needs, didn't want
Speaker 1: to discuss hard things, was closed off, or didn't really
Speaker 1: have a great sense of empathy for their feelings. This
Speaker 1: is incredibly impactful on a child, especially during those forums
Speaker 1: years of life, because, as we know, we learn how
Speaker 1: to function and perform in relationships based off of our parents.
Speaker 1: We use them as a blueprint, We mimic their behavior.
Speaker 1: So if your parent never showed you love, you probably
Speaker 1: never learned how to show it from others or how
Speaker 1: to receive that yourself. Emotional unavailability it also stems from
Speaker 1: a deeper fear of intimacy and a fear of rejection.
Speaker 1: If you have been repeatedly rejected by a caregiver when
Speaker 1: you attempted to receive emotional support or comfort, you're going
Speaker 1: to learn through repeated conditioning that you should suppress those
Speaker 1: feelings because it will cause pain. If you don't, you
Speaker 1: will be rejected and it will hurt. So you shut
Speaker 1: off as a coping mechanism, and that pattern of repeated
Speaker 1: behavior that learned mechanism becomes harder to change the older
Speaker 1: we get and the more it becomes ingrained. But maybe
Speaker 1: this individual, maybe you're thinking of someone, they have tried
Speaker 1: to break down those barriers. They've entered their twenties, they
Speaker 1: are trying to become closer with others and fight this instinct.
Speaker 1: They're dating, they're falling in love. All seems to be
Speaker 1: going really well, but we all know that love doesn't
Speaker 1: come without its challenges. We've all had our hearts broken,
Speaker 1: We've been rejected a few times, and for most of
Speaker 1: us who are emotionally available or securely attached, we just
Speaker 1: kind of see this as part of the game, right,
Speaker 1: It's just part of life, and we move on and
Speaker 1: we know that we'll find someone better. But the emotionally
Speaker 1: unavailable person doesn't see it that way. Those experiences just
Speaker 1: reinforce their initial belief that to avoid pain they need
Speaker 1: to shut down. So those initial romantic encounters and learning
Speaker 1: experiences may actually have the effect of just reinforcing this
Speaker 1: pre existing behavioral pattern. It's not all about childhood experiences, though,
Speaker 1: Something like a traumatic breakup, even the death of a
Speaker 1: former partner, a close friend, or the end of a
Speaker 1: relationship may be because of cheating or abuse, or a
Speaker 1: toxic catalyst. It can also trigger temporary or permanent emotional unavailability.
Speaker 1: Some experiences are so influential that they entirely change our
Speaker 1: attitudes towards intimacy and vulnerability. If you have been completely
Speaker 1: devastated by the end of a relationship, no matter what
Speaker 1: the context, our brains can often make a rapid but
Speaker 1: highly a logical assumption that in order to avoid that
Speaker 1: pain in the future, we should avoid all further instances
Speaker 1: of commitment and vulnerability as a protective mechanism. At the
Speaker 1: end of the day, the only thing our mind wants
Speaker 1: to do is help ups to avoid pain and help
Speaker 1: us to survive. And intense emotions associated with the end
Speaker 1: of a relationship are painful, so unconsciously the mind associates
Speaker 1: relationship with pain, commitment with pain, and it causes us
Speaker 1: to shut down and push away further instances of emotional intimacy.
Speaker 1: That is one of the big reasons why we always
Speaker 1: say not to date anyone right out of a relationship.
Speaker 1: Chances are that their emotional capacity is at an all
Speaker 1: time low and their emotional ability to commit is going
Speaker 1: to be highly stunted by their recent experience. This is
Speaker 1: particularly the case for men. I might get criticism for
Speaker 1: saying this, but honestly, the science does back it up.
Speaker 1: Men are much more likely to display emotional unavailability compared
Speaker 1: to women, particularly in their twenties, and there are a
Speaker 1: few reasons why this is the case. We know that
Speaker 1: men's brains develop later than women. Women reach full sen
Speaker 1: snaptic and global maturity at twenty three on average, compared
Speaker 1: to men at twenty six, so that's a three year
Speaker 1: head start that women have. And the last part of
Speaker 1: our brain to fully mature is the frontal lobe, and
Speaker 1: that part of the brain is responsible for things like
Speaker 1: complex executive emotions, understanding and reacting to others' feelings, judgment,
Speaker 1: and our attitudes and personality. Our emotional availability and capacity
Speaker 1: to connect with others is directly correlated to the development
Speaker 1: of that lobe, and therefore it's going to show up
Speaker 1: a lot later in men than women, which is why
Speaker 1: I think I get so many messages from women in
Speaker 1: the early twenties really struggling with dating men who are
Speaker 1: so closed off and they're almost emotionally incapable and unwilling
Speaker 1: to commit. It's not always the case but I do
Speaker 1: think it's rather frequent. And there was this additional theory
Speaker 1: put forward by this psychologist. I don't know how to
Speaker 1: pronounce her name, doctor Jernigan. If she's listening to this,
Speaker 1: she probably isn't she can correct me, but let's go
Speaker 1: with doctor Jernigan. And she suggested that men receive a
Speaker 1: lot more culturally reinforced messages from society that emotional vulnerability
Speaker 1: is weak, and in response, they develop patterns of emotional
Speaker 1: unavailability in an attempt to live up to their cultural
Speaker 1: and gender expectations. I do think that really aligns with
Speaker 1: my own personal experience. If I'm being honest, I've encountered
Speaker 1: a lot more men than women who I would say
Speaker 1: display signs of emotional unavailability. I've even dated a few
Speaker 1: of them, and it all follows the very much the
Speaker 1: same pattern of experiences. They love the beginning of the relationship,
Speaker 1: when it's all fun and talking and sex and dates.
Speaker 1: As soon as it becomes more committed and you have
Speaker 1: a fight or you have to overcome some kind of disagreement,
Speaker 1: their kneejeck reaction is to shut down and is to run.
Speaker 1: And we can understand the reasons why and the origins
Speaker 1: behind emotional unavailability. We could talk about it all day,
Speaker 1: but the truth is that it really sucks. It really sucks.
Speaker 1: It's really terrible to find someone that you connect with
Speaker 1: and whose company you enjoy, only to really discover that
Speaker 1: three or four months in they are incapable of truly
Speaker 1: connecting with you, or they push you away, and the
Speaker 1: thing is that they probably won't give you a reason either.
Speaker 1: Ghosting is actually a massive sign of emotional unavailability because
Speaker 1: these individuals don't have the capacity to navigate emotionally complex
Speaker 1: situations such as ending it with someone. It is honestly
Speaker 1: so much more disappointing to me to receive a message
Speaker 1: from someone when things are ending or fizzling, because I'm like, damn,
Speaker 1: that guy was actually emotionally available. I know that because
Speaker 1: when I'm being ghosted, it's a pretty clear sign that
Speaker 1: this person was never going to commit and they weren't
Speaker 1: going to go much deeper anyways, because they cannot navigate
Speaker 1: complex emotional situations such as hurting someone's feelings or dealing
Speaker 1: out rejection or breaking up with someone. Regardless, we do
Speaker 1: want to avoid relationships or falling for people who display
Speaker 1: this repeated pattern of behavior. And let me say very clearly,
Speaker 1: if you think that you can fix someone, the chances
Speaker 1: are that that will get you nowhere. The roots of
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability run very deep into our childhood wounds and
Speaker 1: unconscious coping mechanisms. That is not work that you can
Speaker 1: do for someone else. You cannot go into their brain
Speaker 1: and fix their early childhood experiences. You cannot force them
Speaker 1: to do anything. They're going to have to reach that
Speaker 1: decision for themselves, as disappointing as it may sound, but
Speaker 1: there is something that we can do. Often one of
Speaker 1: the reasons we find ourselves in a cycle of attracting
Speaker 1: or dating people who are emotionally unavailable is because we
Speaker 1: ourselves are not emotionally available, and we are using someone
Speaker 1: else's lack of emotional commitment as a very easy way
Speaker 1: to deflect or ignore our own unavailability. There have been
Speaker 1: studies on this. Emotionally unavailable people are often more attracted
Speaker 1: to each other because, when you really think about it,
Speaker 1: they share the same desire. They share the same goal,
Speaker 1: and that is to avoid intimacy, and that is to
Speaker 1: avoid vulnerability. So they're more aligned on the value set,
Speaker 1: they're more aligned on their desires. You may also find
Speaker 1: that you're actually not attracted to emotionally available people because
Speaker 1: it would put you in a situation in which you
Speaker 1: would have to be vulnerable and you would have to
Speaker 1: reciprocate their candor and their depth and sometimes emotional unavailability.
Speaker 1: The will they won't they is kind of exciting, and
Speaker 1: that's a big sign that you might be the unavailable
Speaker 1: one if you are attracted to inconsistency and attracted to anxiety.
Speaker 1: Like I mentioned at the beginning, we do often think
Speaker 1: about emotional availability in terms of our relationships, but the
Speaker 1: most important relationship you will have is the one you
Speaker 1: have with yourself. You will never be able to be
Speaker 1: emotionally available to others if you are not in touch
Speaker 1: with your own emotional needs, you will repeatedly attract the
Speaker 1: same types of people into your life over and over
Speaker 1: again if you don't address the underlying reason why this
Speaker 1: is so. We are going to talk about how you
Speaker 1: can cultivate your own emotional availability in just a second.
Speaker 1: Here's the big secret. If you want to attract people
Speaker 1: and grow your relationships with those who are emotionally available,
Speaker 1: you won't get anywhere if you don't work on yourself first.
Speaker 1: I think that there is a growing rate of emotional
Speaker 1: shallowness in this generation because of a lot of factors,
Speaker 1: many outside of our control. But it can be seen
Speaker 1: in this rise of entirely new terms that we have
Speaker 1: for relationships that we haven't really encountered in previous generations,
Speaker 1: terms like situationships. I actually I had to explain this
Speaker 1: term to my mum the other day, and she was
Speaker 1: so confused that you could technically be in a relationship
Speaker 1: with someone but not be committed. And she made an
Speaker 1: excellent point that it's likely because a lot of people
Speaker 1: in our generation are more afraid of being emotionally vulnerable
Speaker 1: because of societal shifts away from commitment and away from
Speaker 1: traditional relationship archetypes. Some of that is very empowering. I
Speaker 1: think all power to people who want to decide how
Speaker 1: their relationships function, and they do so consensually, and they
Speaker 1: do so by communicating that. But I think it's also
Speaker 1: important to reflect on the impact that this may have
Speaker 1: on our emotional welfare and our ability to connect, particularly
Speaker 1: when dating. So, what are some of the signs that
Speaker 1: you are the emotionally unavailable one? It doesn't necessarily mean
Speaker 1: that there's something wrong with you. I will just put
Speaker 1: that disclaimer out there. It's really just a pattern of
Speaker 1: behavior and a habit that is formed in response to things,
Speaker 1: most of the time outside of our control. I don't
Speaker 1: think anyone wakes up and is like, I want to
Speaker 1: be emotionally unavailable. I want to push away the people
Speaker 1: that love me. It's not a conscious decision. It just
Speaker 1: kind of happens. But it's still worth being able to
Speaker 1: identify that. I think that's the first step to being
Speaker 1: able to heal that part of yourself. The first big
Speaker 1: major sign is that you fear intimacy. Maybe you have
Speaker 1: come out of a really traumatic breakup, a really traumatic situation,
Speaker 1: and the idea of being in a long term relationship
Speaker 1: leaves you feeling really anxious. Maybe you've been hurt before,
Speaker 1: and the concept of having to open up to someone
Speaker 1: in a long term partnership, potentially losing them, maybe encountering
Speaker 1: hard emotions that's really difficult for you to imagine, and
Speaker 1: it's almost a fear response. You feel your gut churning,
Speaker 1: you feel anxious, you feel nauseous. That's a fear of intimacy,
Speaker 1: and this may result in the second indicator, which is
Speaker 1: that you avoid commitment Obviously, like we stipulated, this isn't
Speaker 1: always the case, but sometimes you may like to keep
Speaker 1: your options open to prevent yourself from having to truly
Speaker 1: have to open up to one person. It's a fear mechanism.
Speaker 1: We use it to protect ourselves, but it's also a
Speaker 1: sign of emotional unavailability. This next one may be unexpected,
Speaker 1: but let me explain it a little bit more. You
Speaker 1: may find that you have a lot of superficial friends
Speaker 1: and very few meaningful relationships. You have built up this
Speaker 1: wide variety of acquaintances of people that you can casually
Speaker 1: go for a drink with or talk to, but none
Speaker 1: of them know you very deeply, and there's a reason
Speaker 1: behind that. It's because there is less chance of being
Speaker 1: abandoned or rejected, or feeling truly alone and vulnerable. If
Speaker 1: you have quote unquote backups and people who you aren't
Speaker 1: truly emotionally close to. In that way, you avoid pain.
Speaker 1: I think it's an important reminder that emotional unavailability it
Speaker 1: isn't just reserved for our romantic relationships. Our brains don't
Speaker 1: shut down and switch on that part of our brain
Speaker 1: when it comes to friendships, and at the core of
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability is a fear of rejection and abandonment, and
Speaker 1: that can come from multiple directions and multiple types of relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that there have been many of you out
Speaker 1: there who have had better and closer and deeper relationships
Speaker 1: with your friends than some of the people that you've dated,
Speaker 1: and when those friendships might not work, when you have disagreements,
Speaker 1: that can sometimes hurt a lot. More So, if you
Speaker 1: find yourself surveying your friends and recognizing that you have
Speaker 1: voluntarily and deliberately chosen more shallow relationships and friendships compared
Speaker 1: to those which are deep and meaningful, it may be
Speaker 1: indicative of emotional unavailability. This final sign. I also think
Speaker 1: it's interesting, but I also think it's common sense. You
Speaker 1: may find that your very conflict averse. You get to
Speaker 1: defensive easily, and you turn off during emotionally complex situations.
Speaker 1: If you are around people who want emotional support, you
Speaker 1: may automatically try and minimize their emotions by changing the
Speaker 1: subject or simply withdrawing. You might also want to keep
Speaker 1: topics light so that they stick to the surface level stuff,
Speaker 1: to the comfortable themes that you feel safe discussing. That's
Speaker 1: because you're afraid of opening up. If you maybe are
Speaker 1: listening to this and being like that sounds like my friend,
Speaker 1: I will say, it's not because they want to shut
Speaker 1: you down. It's not because they want to reject your
Speaker 1: needs or devalidate or minimize your reactions. It's because they
Speaker 1: feel trapped and they don't want to be forced into
Speaker 1: a position where they have to reciprocate or they have
Speaker 1: to share the good news. Though, is that emotional unavailability?
Speaker 1: It's just a description. It's not an indictment or a
Speaker 1: life sentence. Like we've discussed, many of the factors that
Speaker 1: influence emotional unavailability are beyond our control. But I also
Speaker 1: want to recognize that just because they are beyond our
Speaker 1: control doesn't mean that we don't have agency. And it
Speaker 1: can be really rough to have that self awareness whereby
Speaker 1: you can identify that you are emotionally unavailable, but you
Speaker 1: don't really know what to do. But that's what we're
Speaker 1: here for today. So how do we realize our most
Speaker 1: emotionally available and authentic selves and how do we work
Speaker 1: towards choosing emotionally available partners? The key is to start internally.
Speaker 1: Often our inability to be emotionally open it stems from
Speaker 1: a difficulty with being honest with ourselves about our emotional
Speaker 1: needs and our desires. We don't just avoid the complex
Speaker 1: feelings and experiences of others, we also tend to suppress
Speaker 1: our own hard emotions because they are difficult to manage
Speaker 1: if you can't share them or you can't trust others
Speaker 1: with your vulnerability. It's important to work on identifying what
Speaker 1: you're feeling when you're feeling it. I think a lot
Speaker 1: of us emotionally available or not have a tendency to
Speaker 1: pick up our phones, scroll TikTok, switch on the television,
Speaker 1: distract ourselves when uncomfortable emotions kind of bubble to the surface.
Speaker 1: Do whatever you can to avoid that. That goes for everyone.
Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable, but sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable to grow,
Speaker 1: and being able to recognize your own feelings and manage
Speaker 1: them yourself is a massive pathway to being emotionally available
Speaker 1: with others. Sometimes this comes from childhood wounds. I would
Speaker 1: say that is the biggest predictor, and particularly the behaviors
Speaker 1: of our caregivers and our parents. The sad reality is,
Speaker 1: no matter how hard you try, you cannot go back
Speaker 1: to childhood and fear things you cannot reshape how you
Speaker 1: think things should have gone. You can't undo the past,
Speaker 1: but what you can do is reparent yourself at the
Speaker 1: moment you are in now. I did a whole episode
Speaker 1: on healing your inner child. I think it's really valuable
Speaker 1: if this is something that's been on your mind for
Speaker 1: a while. But a brief synopsis of this episode is
Speaker 1: that in order to heal childhood attachment wounds that may
Speaker 1: be contributing to your emotional unavailability, you have to start
Speaker 1: treating yourself as if you are speaking to your childhood self,
Speaker 1: as if the tiny version of you is sitting in
Speaker 1: front of you and you need to protect them. So
Speaker 1: you need to create a personal and internal environment for
Speaker 1: them to feel safe by letting yourself feel your emotions,
Speaker 1: showing unconditional love for yourself whatever that means for you,
Speaker 1: and creating emotional safety. This may involve going to therapy
Speaker 1: or engaging in some kind of emotional real life like journaling,
Speaker 1: but it also involves just giving your inner child space
Speaker 1: to feel without shutting them down, without ignoring it, without
Speaker 1: suppressing it, because that mimics the way that you may
Speaker 1: have been shut down by a parent during childhood and
Speaker 1: by connecting deeper with your emotions, you really do profoundly
Speaker 1: shift your ability to connect with others, and you'll begin
Speaker 1: to notice I think a shift in the quality and
Speaker 1: the depth not just of your relationships or your relationships
Speaker 1: with your friends or your family, but in how you
Speaker 1: treat yourself as well. A wall will probably come down,
Speaker 1: and it may be painful. There's a lot of suppressed
Speaker 1: stuff that builds up from childhood or from experiences of
Speaker 1: rejection or breakups or trauma. But I think a lot
Speaker 1: of hard things are worth doing, and this is one
Speaker 1: of them. All of these habits and activities, they will
Speaker 1: help build a foundation for being able to identify people
Speaker 1: who are emotionally unavailable, who may bring you into that
Speaker 1: space and shut you down. I think that's probably the
Speaker 1: worst part about dating people who are emotionally unavailable, is
Speaker 1: that this behavioral and emotional pattern is in many ways contagious,
Speaker 1: and it can rub off on us by leading us
Speaker 1: to a question how we deserve to be treated and
Speaker 1: eventually becoming jaded around what true, unconditional, vulnerable love should
Speaker 1: feel like. They actually did a study on this, and
Speaker 1: what they examined was the impact of having an emotionally
Speaker 1: unavailable partner. So they found that individuals who reported that
Speaker 1: they were dating or married or in a long term
Speaker 1: partnership with someone who displayed lowered emotional capacity themselves had
Speaker 1: a lower emotional capacity. So essentially what that meant was
Speaker 1: this behavioral pattern, this emotional reaction, this failure to be
Speaker 1: vulnerable and emotionally intimate, rubs off on those around us.
Speaker 1: So it's a big reason why you want to avoid
Speaker 1: these individuals. Take a good hard look at your beliefs
Speaker 1: around what you want in a romantic partner. I have
Speaker 1: suggested this before, but I think it's a godsend. I
Speaker 1: think it is so valuable. If you have found yourself
Speaker 1: in this cycle of dating and finding people who just
Speaker 1: always shut you down, who never want to be committed,
Speaker 1: you need to make a list of non negotiables, and
Speaker 1: these need to be specific. What are the things that
Speaker 1: you are not going to tolerate, Especially if you're someone
Speaker 1: who is looking for a committed relationship. You need to
Speaker 1: have a hard line at what you're willing to accept
Speaker 1: around noncommittal dating and romantic experiences. And a big red
Speaker 1: flag is someone who is not able to engage in
Speaker 1: deep emotional conversations or acknowledge your feelings or their own.
Speaker 1: That's a huge indicator that they're not an emotionally available person.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that you need to trauma dump
Speaker 1: on the first state to kind of understand if they're
Speaker 1: going to reciprocate your emotional intimacy. That's a bit extreme,
Speaker 1: but I think it's pretty telling as you get further
Speaker 1: into a relationship, whether they're willing to discuss how they're
Speaker 1: feeling or how you're feeling, and whether they want to
Speaker 1: connect with you or shut you down. It's also worth
Speaker 1: questioning how do you feel about yourself? Is the reason
Speaker 1: you always find yourself around emotionally unavailable people because you
Speaker 1: feel that you don't deserve love and a deep connection.
Speaker 1: Are you actually just terrified of rejection or are you
Speaker 1: suffering from low self esteem due to past relationships? You know,
Speaker 1: it's not your fault. I think that a lot of
Speaker 1: this kind of does sound like it's your responsibility to
Speaker 1: avoid these people. It's your fault for attracting these people.
Speaker 1: That's the case. I just to think it's something that
Speaker 1: tends to happen, and we don't always know until it's
Speaker 1: a bit too late or we find ourselves being ghosted
Speaker 1: by someone that they are emotionally unavailable, and that this
Speaker 1: just kind of helps you to avoid that pain. Much
Speaker 1: like the previous suggestion, you need to consciously rethink what
Speaker 1: you deserve and write that down, almost like affirmations. You know,
Speaker 1: I deserve to be loved. I deserve for my emotions
Speaker 1: to be reciprocated. It's all about faking it till you
Speaker 1: make it, I guess, because if you don't feel like
Speaker 1: you deserve deep, meaningful love and closeness, I promise that
Speaker 1: you do. And if you continue to tell yourself that,
Speaker 1: one day you will believe it as well. And whatever
Speaker 1: you do, if you take one thing out of this,
Speaker 1: do not try and force someone to change. It is
Speaker 1: not your responsibility to fix them. I think women in
Speaker 1: particular have been conditioned by society into believing that it
Speaker 1: is their duty to nurture others and to offer that
Speaker 1: maternal healing side of a relationship. But here's another hard
Speaker 1: truth for those of you who are listening who may
Speaker 1: be in denial about an emotionally unavailable person in your life.
Speaker 1: The more you push, the more you try to artificially
Speaker 1: create situations that they are forced to be vulnerable in
Speaker 1: the more they are going to pull back and they
Speaker 1: may take you with them. When I was researching this episode,
Speaker 1: it was shocking how many articles I found with titles
Speaker 1: like how to get an emotionally unavailable man to chase you,
Speaker 1: how to change an emotionally unavailable man, how to use
Speaker 1: sex to fix emotional unavailability. And it was super frustrating
Speaker 1: to me because I was like, we shouldn't be pushing
Speaker 1: this narrative to either men or women, that it is
Speaker 1: your duty to heal this person so that you can
Speaker 1: feel safe and vulnerable. That is not your job, that
Speaker 1: is not your responsibility. There are so many other people
Speaker 1: out there who will have done the work and who
Speaker 1: will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Speaker 1: And if you get one thing from this episode, like
Speaker 1: I said, you cannot change this person. Your job is
Speaker 1: just to heal yourself and focus on your own emotions
Speaker 1: and feelings. One final thing I do want to state,
Speaker 1: it's a bit of a disclaimer, and that's that you
Speaker 1: don't need to be emotionally available to everyone. That's a
Speaker 1: critical part of this conversation. I think when we strive
Speaker 1: for emotional availability, when we enlist all of those tools.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we accidentally find ourselves transforming into someone who is
Speaker 1: passive when it comes to our relationships because we force
Speaker 1: ourselves to hold space for everyone. But sometimes that can
Speaker 1: be equal as training as being emotionally unavailable. There is
Speaker 1: a lot of emotional energy and commitment that goes into
Speaker 1: sustaining deep connections, and as much as we like to
Speaker 1: think that that source is infinite, it's not. You have
Speaker 1: to sometimes except the fact that you can't give everything
Speaker 1: to everyone, so be selective, you can still be emotionally
Speaker 1: available even if you're picky. If anything, it's actually a
Speaker 1: sign of your availability because you understand what it means
Speaker 1: to invest and commit to a friend or a partner
Speaker 1: or a family member in a way that is meaningful,
Speaker 1: and that means not exhausting yourself with gathering and collecting
Speaker 1: every single connection that comes your way. It's how you
Speaker 1: show up in those relationships with the people you have
Speaker 1: chosen to invest in and that you care about and
Speaker 1: who can reciprocate all that love for you. That is
Speaker 1: an indicator and the biggest sign that you're emotionally available.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I
Speaker 1: really hope you learned something. I hope you enjoyed it.
Speaker 1: I definitely did. One of the best parts about doing
Speaker 1: this podcast is that I get to learn things that
Speaker 1: are really relevant to me, and this was definitely one
Speaker 1: of those cases. I had no idea how complicated emotional
Speaker 1: unavailability was. I think we really do for that phrase
Speaker 1: around and say, oh, you know, he's emotionally unavailable, she's
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable without thinking deeply about what that really means.
Speaker 1: So I hope that this did enlighten you. Maybe there
Speaker 1: is someone in your life who needs to hear this episode.
Speaker 1: You should share it with them. You should send them
Speaker 1: a link. I'm sure they'll thank you later, and as always,
Speaker 1: if you feel compelled to do so. If you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode, please feel free to leave a five star
Speaker 1: review on Spotify, a podcasts, wherever you're listening right now.
Speaker 1: It really does help the show to grow and to
Speaker 1: reach new people. I'm so grateful if you have listened
Speaker 1: this far, Thank you for coming on this journey with me.
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, if you just want
Speaker 1: to be in touch, if you want to see what's
Speaker 1: going on behind the scenes, please feel free to follow
Speaker 1: us at that Psychology podcast. On Instagram, we share a
Speaker 1: lot of polls around what episodes you want to hear next.
Speaker 1: That's where this idea came from, so thank you for
Speaker 1: all of your suggestions. Hopefully we can see you over there.
Speaker 1: Well maybe not, it's up to you. I just really
Speaker 1: hope that you enjoyed this episode and we will be
Speaker 1: back next week for another