Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show,
Speaker 1: and welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 1: to have you here. Back for another episode, and this
Speaker 1: week we're tackling a rather big, scary topic in our twenties,
Speaker 1: one that I imagine many of us have struggled with at
Speaker 1: some point in our lives, especially during this decade. We're
Speaker 1: going to take a dive into the psychology behind the loneliness,
Speaker 1: both the good and the bad, and kind of reach
Speaker 1: some conclusions not only about the origins of loneliness during
Speaker 1: this decade, what it means for our wellbeing, how to
Speaker 1: quote unquote cure this feeling, but also how to feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with being alone and embrace loneliness as an important
Speaker 1: part of our growth. I think we are really kind
Speaker 1: of sold this contrived narrative that our twenties are this
Speaker 1: golden decade and we should be surrounded by friends, we
Speaker 1: should be dating, we should be going out and socializing
Speaker 1: and have a large social network. It's where we meet
Speaker 1: our forever friends. And this has been sold to us
Speaker 1: across multiple platforms, from social media to shows like Friends
Speaker 1: and New Girl, where there are these really romanticized depictions
Speaker 1: of really close friendship groups. So when we don't feel
Speaker 1: that way, when we don't meet that expectation, we can
Speaker 1: really feel like failures and like something is wrong with us.
Speaker 1: One thing I want to say before we begin is that,
Speaker 1: contrary to what popular culture has to say about this decade,
Speaker 1: it is really normal to feel lonely in your twenties,
Speaker 1: even if you are someone who is surrounded by people.
Speaker 1: Something that I've noticed is that we often don't want
Speaker 1: to admit when we are feeling this way, not even
Speaker 1: to those who are closest to us. There is this
Speaker 1: strange stigma almost around loneliness that prevents us from talking
Speaker 1: about it and prevents us from normalizing it. You know,
Speaker 1: this strange sense that if we come out and outright
Speaker 1: say I feel lonely, I am lonely, that people will
Speaker 1: think there is something wrong with us, or that we
Speaker 1: don't have friends, or that we are unenjoyable to be around.
Speaker 1: And ninety nine percent of the time that is not true.
Speaker 1: The loneliness is at its core a biological and emotional reaction,
Speaker 1: more so than an environmental one. It has less to
Speaker 1: do with the quantity of our friendships or social relationships,
Speaker 1: and more to do with our internal experiences and perception
Speaker 1: of the world, the quality of our connections, and at
Speaker 1: its core, our relationship with ourselves. Of course, there are
Speaker 1: many times when we naturally are inclined to feel lonely
Speaker 1: because of our environment. Maybe you've just moved to a
Speaker 1: new city or you've gone through a breakup. But I
Speaker 1: think we as a generation do need to become more
Speaker 1: comfortable with being alone, with solitude, with our own emotions,
Speaker 1: and with sometimes feeling uncomfortable. That may seem really hard.
Speaker 1: Loneliness is a really hard feeling, but my goal is
Speaker 1: to really share how we can embrace it and really
Speaker 1: treat it as an important and neighborler for our growth
Speaker 1: rather than feel threatened. There is a lot to talk
Speaker 1: on today, and I really want to do this topic justice,
Speaker 1: especially because I know it's probably something on a lot
Speaker 1: of our minds. There is not a person I know
Speaker 1: who hasn't at times felt this way, who hasn't at
Speaker 1: times felt lonely. So we are going to dive into
Speaker 1: exactly why our twenties can produce such intense feelings of isolation,
Speaker 1: the neurological and internal basis for these feelings, some of
Speaker 1: the dangers and downsides, but ultimately how we can embrace solitude,
Speaker 1: embrace loneliness, and harness its benefits rather than being consumed
Speaker 1: by the negativity and the fear. Ultimately, the title of
Speaker 1: this episode truly does say it all. Loneliness is not
Speaker 1: our enemy. So let's get right into it and uncover
Speaker 1: all of this science and psychology that confirms this loneliness
Speaker 1: is incredibly hard. I feel like that is not something
Speaker 1: that I need to repeat very often throughout this episode,
Speaker 1: because we all know it, and I do want to
Speaker 1: start this episode on a personal note. You know, I
Speaker 1: think I have a very complicated relationship with feeling lonely,
Speaker 1: even though I know it's natural, I know it's common,
Speaker 1: I know all of the reasons why it happens, but
Speaker 1: there is just this thing where, since I was young,
Speaker 1: the idea of feeling lonely or not being surrounded by
Speaker 1: people has been really, really terrifying. I was trying to
Speaker 1: explain this to a friend the other day. But ever
Speaker 1: since I was a child, I've had this weird experience,
Speaker 1: you know, these like three month cycles where I will
Speaker 1: go through periods of feeling super happy, super supported, super content,
Speaker 1: and then, like clockwork, I just get this entirely irrational,
Speaker 1: sinking feeling that I am lonely and I cannot shake it.
Speaker 1: And the interesting thing is that each time this happens,
Speaker 1: nothing has really changed about my environment. It's entirely mental,
Speaker 1: and it's something that has really been part of my
Speaker 1: life for a long time. I feel like I often
Speaker 1: think of myself as a lonely person, even though I'm
Speaker 1: surrounded by such wonderful people. And I was talking to
Speaker 1: my therapist about it, and this is basically what really
Speaker 1: inspired me to make this episode, because I'm sure that
Speaker 1: I'm not in this boat on my own. I'm sure
Speaker 1: it's not just me, and as my twenties have gone by,
Speaker 1: I've found that the feeling has gotten worse. What she
Speaker 1: explained to me is that this habit of anticipating a
Speaker 1: future loneliness or feeling an impending sense of loneliness is
Speaker 1: a few response very similar to catastrophizing or future prepping,
Speaker 1: whereby I and I'm sure many others try and unconsciously
Speaker 1: avoid feelings of loneliness by artificially mimicking the feeling to
Speaker 1: prepare ourselves for when this situation may occur. If this
Speaker 1: sounds really strange or really complicated, I totally understand. I
Speaker 1: was kind of confused when she first told me this,
Speaker 1: but when we dive further into the biology and the
Speaker 1: evolutionary underpinnings, it makes a lot more sense why sometimes
Speaker 1: we feel lonely without any apparent cause or shift. Repeated
Speaker 1: and consistent human interaction is vital for our mental well
Speaker 1: being and our mental health. I think we all know that.
Speaker 1: We all know that social health is part of the
Speaker 1: broader holistic health that we bring through our lives. But
Speaker 1: on a deeper level, we don't like feeling alone or
Speaker 1: isolated because evolutionarily, our survival rested on feeling connected with others.
Speaker 1: This is an explanation I've given before on the podcast,
Speaker 1: but I still find it really valuable to share our
Speaker 1: prehistoric ancestors. They relied on the existence of tribal networks
Speaker 1: and groups to ensure their survival. Membership to a group
Speaker 1: provided us with security, more access to food. It provided
Speaker 1: us with shelter, mating partners, and protection. Without it, if
Speaker 1: we were cast out, if we were socially isolated, if
Speaker 1: we lost our group, our chances of survival were very slim.
Speaker 1: And that part of our mind that has adapted to
Speaker 1: that former reality is still very much alive. According to
Speaker 1: countless studies I couldn't even name them all, our minds
Speaker 1: have essentially evolved to promote our survival through social connection,
Speaker 1: and feelings of loneliness are a neural mechanism of drawing
Speaker 1: us back into the protection of a group, because whilst
Speaker 1: loneliness may be painful, it's a much better alternative to
Speaker 1: being out on our own and therefore being killed by
Speaker 1: a hungry beast or dying from exposure, as was likely
Speaker 1: the case back in the day, if we rejected our
Speaker 1: social group or they rejected us. It is essentially our
Speaker 1: instinct to seek out social comfort and connection. There is
Speaker 1: this amazing article that was written by Discover magazine a
Speaker 1: very good subscription if you are thinking of getting into it,
Speaker 1: and it was written by doctor Stephanie Cacopo. She's a
Speaker 1: professor of behavioral neuroscience in the UK, and she described
Speaker 1: it perfectly. Basically, what she concluded is that loneliness is
Speaker 1: very similar to those kind of biological hunger or thirst
Speaker 1: cues that we get, because it reminds us to reconnect
Speaker 1: with those around us to ensure survival, the same way
Speaker 1: that hunger and thirst protect our physical well being and
Speaker 1: tell us to seek out important nutrients and resources for
Speaker 1: our physical survival. It's all very much tied into our
Speaker 1: basic instincts and our basic urges. Loneliness gets a bad rap,
Speaker 1: and there used to be an argument in psychology that
Speaker 1: loneliness was actually an emotional fault or a defect in
Speaker 1: our DNA that actually shouldn't exist because it was super negative.
Speaker 1: It made people feel really bad about themselves. But also
Speaker 1: there was this argument that other species did not experience
Speaker 1: loneliness and they were still surviving, so essentially this feeling
Speaker 1: wasn't entirely necessary. Not only do we now know that
Speaker 1: that is wrong. Many species like elephants and great apes,
Speaker 1: even big cats, they experience loneliness as well. But also
Speaker 1: if the outcomes of feeling lonely were entirely negative, according
Speaker 1: to Darwin's theory of evolution, it would no longer be
Speaker 1: part of our DNA because members of our species who
Speaker 1: did contain this proclivity wouldn't have survived if it was
Speaker 1: entirely harmful. That's kind of a wrap around, roundabout logic
Speaker 1: to explain evolution, right. You know, if something is not
Speaker 1: important for our survival, it does not survive in our
Speaker 1: DNA due to breeding and the survival of offspring that
Speaker 1: have that quality. But we know that loneliness is still
Speaker 1: very much part of the human instinct and the human
Speaker 1: experience because it does have a value. It is important.
Speaker 1: It serves as a self protection and preservation mechanism. It
Speaker 1: basically acts as this little feeling in our brain telling
Speaker 1: us to reach out, telling us to reconnect. Okay, we
Speaker 1: spent a lot of time in the science. I'm realizing
Speaker 1: that now and that was not my intention. But I
Speaker 1: really want to dive into some of the more environmental
Speaker 1: and situational variables that can be a catalyst for loneliness,
Speaker 1: especially in this decade. Regardless of why we experience loneliness,
Speaker 1: whether it's biological, whether it's social, it still feels really terrible.
Speaker 1: And our twenties are actually one of the times where
Speaker 1: we can feel at our lowest when it comes to
Speaker 1: this feeling. A study done by the Office for National
Speaker 1: Statistics out in the UK and actually found that young
Speaker 1: adults between the ages of eighteen and twenty nine were
Speaker 1: actually three times more likely to feel lonely compared to
Speaker 1: older age groups. This is really interesting to me because
Speaker 1: I think our typical picture of loneliness is very much
Speaker 1: you know, an elderly person locked in their home, you know,
Speaker 1: who has lost all of their family members and friends.
Speaker 1: But that's not the case. It's actually this generation, this
Speaker 1: age group, my age group, your age group that is
Speaker 1: suffering the most. Some reasons why I think it is
Speaker 1: more common in our twenties comes down to the number
Speaker 1: of significant life transitions and changes that we are all
Speaker 1: going to experience in this decade. We graduate high school,
Speaker 1: we leave the security of a convenient, inbuilt community that
Speaker 1: is our schooling system, and we go out into the
Speaker 1: world on our own. And for most of us, that
Speaker 1: also involves saying goodbye to friendships and connections and mentors
Speaker 1: that you naturally outgrow. For most of us, our twenties
Speaker 1: are also a time when we move out of the
Speaker 1: family home and we leave the orbit of our close family,
Speaker 1: specifically our parents. At first, this might feel incredibly liberating
Speaker 1: to be free of parental supervision and have our independence,
Speaker 1: but it's also very comforting to have that stable family unit.
Speaker 1: When we fly the nest, we can often find ourselves
Speaker 1: a little bit nostalgic once the excitement has worn off,
Speaker 1: and a little bit lonely because we no longer have
Speaker 1: that stable structure that we can go back to every
Speaker 1: night and be comforted by. Whilst loneliness is in part
Speaker 1: evolutionary and biological, it's also in part of reaction to community.
Speaker 1: When we feel without community or a strong present support network,
Speaker 1: that's often when that dark feeling can come on strongest,
Speaker 1: and family really does play a crucial role in that.
Speaker 1: As someone who is also moving into the mid stage
Speaker 1: of my twenties, I would say there's another thing that
Speaker 1: I've noticed, particularly in the last year, which I have
Speaker 1: I don't think I've really seen many people talk about this.
Speaker 1: It's rarely spoken about in relation to our twenties, and
Speaker 1: that is how many of our friends begin to enter
Speaker 1: new chapters or have different timelines than our own, often
Speaker 1: leading to what I would call disconnection and growing apart
Speaker 1: from the people that we used to feel closest with.
Speaker 1: Let me explain that a little bit more. It's not
Speaker 1: even fully formed in my brain, but I do just
Speaker 1: think it's worth sharing. I think the first eighteen years
Speaker 1: of our lives are very much cut and paste for
Speaker 1: most of us. You know, we go to school, we
Speaker 1: go to high school, we do sports, we do music,
Speaker 1: we do all of the things. And then suddenly you're
Speaker 1: twenty three. One of your friends is about to get married.
Speaker 1: Some of your friends are still at UNI, half of
Speaker 1: your working full time. Another one is off in Peru
Speaker 1: exploring the world. You're all scattered across the country and
Speaker 1: friendship is no longer convenient. It's something I have personally
Speaker 1: experienced recently. I moved to Sydney last year, and most
Speaker 1: of my close girlfriends remained in Canberra, which is where
Speaker 1: I went to university, and I was catching up with
Speaker 1: one of them recently and in the past year, even
Speaker 1: in the past month, one of them has decided to
Speaker 1: move to this tiny island off of Australia. One of
Speaker 1: them is moving to London, and the other is in
Speaker 1: the midst of doing her honors. And I just realized
Speaker 1: that everything was changing and we only had a few
Speaker 1: more opportunities to really truly be together as a group,
Speaker 1: and for some reason, I just felt so lonely. Not
Speaker 1: because these people were no longer in my life life,
Speaker 1: not because we had had a falling out one of
Speaker 1: them was literally sitting across from me, but because everything
Speaker 1: was changing and everything was new, and I didn't really
Speaker 1: know where I was going to land. And I was
Speaker 1: kind of comforted by knowing that my reaction was not
Speaker 1: only normal but really supported by theory. Psychologists have this
Speaker 1: idea that there are three major conditions for making and
Speaker 1: keeping good friends. These are proximity, repeated interactions, and settings
Speaker 1: that encourage authenticity. Those three conditions, the healthy long term
Speaker 1: friendships become a lot harder as things in our life change.
Speaker 1: The older we get, people move away. You no longer
Speaker 1: have repeated interactions that were often brought on by the
Speaker 1: closeness of university or school or college. You don't live
Speaker 1: in the same place anymore. And it's not to say
Speaker 1: that you can't successively maintain long distance friendships. It's just
Speaker 1: that the dynamic and the nature of the relationship changes,
Speaker 1: and with that there's an adjustment period that loneliness tends
Speaker 1: to crop up in these simultaneous transitions. I would say
Speaker 1: contribute to a sense of isolation and in part confusion
Speaker 1: about what happens next, which is a massive trigger for loneliness.
Speaker 1: There are some other typical events and experience that I
Speaker 1: think contribute to social isolation the feather we get into
Speaker 1: our twenties as we enter the workforce. In particular, the
Speaker 1: amount of time that we have to build and maintain
Speaker 1: healthy connections is minimized by paid obligations. It's minimized by work.
Speaker 1: Socializing is now reserved for the hours before nine am
Speaker 1: and after five pm, and that is a small window
Speaker 1: compared to what we're used to. We just simply have
Speaker 1: less time. That's the truth about getting older and having responsibilities.
Speaker 1: Our priorities change not just with work and our careers,
Speaker 1: but also with the entry of long term romantic partners.
Speaker 1: I'm sure we've all had an experience whereby a friend
Speaker 1: gets into a relationship and suddenly is very inaccessible. Maybe
Speaker 1: you have been that person yourself. I could keep listing
Speaker 1: reasons here, you know. We could talk about breakups, we
Speaker 1: could talk about simply outgrowing people, we could talk about kids.
Speaker 1: Even there are so many reasons. I think it's all
Speaker 1: just a really confusing time whereby the moment we begin
Speaker 1: to feel steady and feel secure, things suddenly change, and
Speaker 1: the easier kind of social interactions that we often rely
Speaker 1: for stimulation and for fulfillment, and that we often took
Speaker 1: for granted become a lot harder, as does a sense
Speaker 1: of community, which I think is a really vital protective
Speaker 1: mechanism against loneliness. There's also more personal factors. I think
Speaker 1: I've talked a lot about situational and environmental variables, but
Speaker 1: we also change as people. This period in our life
Speaker 1: is so formative. The person I was at twenty one,
Speaker 1: let alone eighteen is so so different to the version
Speaker 1: of me now, and so my ability to connect and
Speaker 1: feel seen also changes. Especially as we step into a
Speaker 1: new identity. Everything is so confusing, and if we don't
Speaker 1: really know ourselves quite yet, if we're still in that
Speaker 1: growth phase, it's really hard to feel that others know
Speaker 1: us deeply, and therefore we don't feel connected. I think
Speaker 1: that's also really common amongst this decade. It's not so
Speaker 1: much that there aren't people around us, that's a big thing.
Speaker 1: It's not so much that you don't have friends, it's
Speaker 1: that those friendships become harder there are other factors that
Speaker 1: begin to play a role, different priorities, and at the
Speaker 1: same time, something we forget is that we're still trying
Speaker 1: to figure out exactly who we are and how we
Speaker 1: can best connect with other people. All of that is
Speaker 1: just to say loneliness is a quintessential experience of our twenties,
Speaker 1: and although it is unpleasant, I think that we can
Speaker 1: actually change our relationship to this feeling to be one
Speaker 1: that is productive rather than fearful. Loneliness has a lot
Speaker 1: of beneficial functions, which we're going to talk about in
Speaker 1: just a second. I think most crucial, though, is that
Speaker 1: if we don't learn how to be alone, if we
Speaker 1: are so fearful of the six sperience that we rush
Speaker 1: into any new relationship or friendship that walks through the door,
Speaker 1: we can actually do a lot more harm than good.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it is good to embrace solitude to get a
Speaker 1: better understanding of who you are and what you want
Speaker 1: and what you deserve in relationships. So I kind of
Speaker 1: want to move past some of that dwelling we've done
Speaker 1: on the downsides and the origins and focus more on
Speaker 1: how we can embrace this feeling. All of that in
Speaker 1: more in just a second, if you are feeling lonely
Speaker 1: right now, and that's why you're listening today, I want
Speaker 1: to firstly, before we get into the rest of the episode,
Speaker 1: give you three bits of truth or I guess many
Speaker 1: affirmations that have always comforted me. The first one, which
Speaker 1: I honestly stand by, is that you have not yet
Speaker 1: met all the people who will love you in this life.
Speaker 1: It's very easy in our twenties to see things without
Speaker 1: a great deal of perspective because this is all that
Speaker 1: we've experienced right like we're baby adults. This is like
Speaker 1: the first time that we're experiencing a lot of this stuff,
Speaker 1: the first time we're experiencing, you know, moving to a
Speaker 1: new place and losing friends and adjustments. So it's important
Speaker 1: to sometimes have the hindsight that people give us from
Speaker 1: older generations or older wiser people, that there is so
Speaker 1: much yet to come that is even better than what
Speaker 1: has already transpired. The second one is that we are
Speaker 1: never truly alone. I think our brain convinces ourselves that
Speaker 1: we are, especially with what we were talking about before
Speaker 1: about anticipatory anxiety and catastrophizing to kind of protect ours
Speaker 1: and ensure our survival and finally, nothing stays the same
Speaker 1: for long. This feeling will pass as all good and
Speaker 1: bad things in life. Do we've acknowledged that loneliness can
Speaker 1: be unpleasant? We all know that, I think on a
Speaker 1: personal and anecdotal level. But I do also think there
Speaker 1: is something really sacred in solitude, and sometimes that can
Speaker 1: produce loneliness as a side effect, and that's something that
Speaker 1: we just have to come to terms with as part
Speaker 1: of the terrain. Here's the truth. At some point, you
Speaker 1: are going to feel lonely, regardless of all of your efforts,
Speaker 1: and maybe that is you right now. Obviously we can
Speaker 1: understand that loneliness is painful, but there is this idea
Speaker 1: that when we fear something, we let it control us,
Speaker 1: and if we fear being alone, we allow it to
Speaker 1: control our enjoyment of a life and the decisions we
Speaker 1: make for God, guarding the quality of our relationships and
Speaker 1: who we choose to spend our time with. If we
Speaker 1: are lonely, and if we are scared of being lonely, often,
Speaker 1: like I said, we just jump at the first thing
Speaker 1: that walks through the door without properly thinking about where
Speaker 1: that relationship or that friendship is going to sit in
Speaker 1: our life. I really want to change the narrative around
Speaker 1: loneliness for those reasons, because I think it's beneficial to
Speaker 1: sometimes feel alone, and I do want to think of
Speaker 1: it as an attitude of gratitude and stoicism rather than
Speaker 1: one of fear and anticipation. I think we need to
Speaker 1: have a greater appreciation for what solitude can bring us
Speaker 1: so that we can, all you know, perhaps feel a
Speaker 1: little bit better and comforted in some of the benefits
Speaker 1: of this emotion. Spending time alone is actually incredibly beneficial,
Speaker 1: especially in our twenties, because it allows us to develop
Speaker 1: a better understanding of ourselves. It allows us to do
Speaker 1: the thing things that we want to do, and become
Speaker 1: more independent. It can sometimes be a blessing rather than
Speaker 1: a curse. Studies have shown that the more you know
Speaker 1: and understand yourself through concentrated efforts to spend time alone,
Speaker 1: the stronger your value set is, and the more likely
Speaker 1: you are to do things that you love or with
Speaker 1: people that you love, to learn things that interest you,
Speaker 1: and spend time with people that make you feel good
Speaker 1: rather than people that drain your energy. There's also some
Speaker 1: other surprising benefits that I think we could all probably
Speaker 1: speak to just on an anecdotal and personal experience, but
Speaker 1: solitude really does increase productivity. It's just the fact that
Speaker 1: you don't have the distraction, So there's one upside. It
Speaker 1: also sparks creativity because we have more time with our
Speaker 1: thoughts and we can let them wander and explos new
Speaker 1: corridors of our brain. And it can build mental strength
Speaker 1: because we have to learn how to rely on ourselves
Speaker 1: and trust our own ability to manage daily stress and adversity.
Speaker 1: I will say that this is not always optimal. You know,
Speaker 1: we do overcome things easier and sooner with the help
Speaker 1: of a support network. But I really want to demonstrate
Speaker 1: that it's not all doom and gloom, and that if
Speaker 1: you are going through a period of loneliness, it's not
Speaker 1: all bad, right, Like, there are some upsides. I know
Speaker 1: it sounds really like tokenistic to say that, but I
Speaker 1: think with everything, when you have a better mindset, you
Speaker 1: get through something quicker, and all of these kind of
Speaker 1: benefits really do help develop that positive attitude towards your experiences.
Speaker 1: I think loneliness is also sometimes really valuable because it
Speaker 1: allows us to reassess the value of our close relation relationships.
Speaker 1: Often loneliness is situational, but sometimes it can be caused
Speaker 1: by just feeling like you don't belong. Relationships are meant
Speaker 1: to cultivate the best feelings about yourself. They are meant
Speaker 1: to make you feel happy and fulfilled. So if you
Speaker 1: feel lonely amongst certain people, even when they're around you,
Speaker 1: it really is an indicator, a mental indicator that we
Speaker 1: need to take a closer look at whether these relationships
Speaker 1: are really what we want in our lives. I think
Speaker 1: sometimes loneliness indicates to us that we want to be
Speaker 1: close with people, we want to stay in touch, but
Speaker 1: we also want to prioritize quality time. You know, It's
Speaker 1: something that we haven't really talked on yet, but I
Speaker 1: do honestly believe it's better to feel lonely with yourself
Speaker 1: than alone with others. It's just something that I think
Speaker 1: of sometimes when I'm going through periods like this, and
Speaker 1: I said, this doesn't have to be your enemy. When
Speaker 1: we a recognize that it's normal and that it will pass,
Speaker 1: I promise it will pass, and b we embrace some
Speaker 1: of the opportunities it provides rather than distracting ourselves. There
Speaker 1: are a few ways that we can really live this philosophy.
Speaker 1: And I know it's hard. I don't want to discredit that,
Speaker 1: but if you want to embrace solitude, you have to
Speaker 1: start before you begin to feel lonely. I have been
Speaker 1: frequently doing this since I was like maybe nineteen, where
Speaker 1: I go away for either one or two days at
Speaker 1: a time just by myself. I go camping or hiking,
Speaker 1: and it allows me to escape my reality because I
Speaker 1: want to show myself that I can do things alone
Speaker 1: and activate some of those benefits to feel creative, to
Speaker 1: feel independent, to feel productive, to be honest. I began
Speaker 1: this habit or these little activities or trips when I
Speaker 1: was going through a really rough time at university. I
Speaker 1: was really depressed, I was really distanced from people, my
Speaker 1: grades weren't great, and it was almost this self inflicted
Speaker 1: challenge to see if I could do it. I'd become
Speaker 1: really codependent on someone I was dating, but also really
Speaker 1: anxious about my friendships, and it was like the first
Speaker 1: time that I really had a big group of friends,
Speaker 1: and it was really scary to me that these people
Speaker 1: could leave or go away, and I wanted to force
Speaker 1: myself to confront that fear of being alone just for
Speaker 1: a few days to prove myself that everything could fall apart.
Speaker 1: I could be entirely by myself and I would still
Speaker 1: be okay. If that sounds confusing, let me explain it
Speaker 1: a little bit more. I think being able to tolerate
Speaker 1: loneliness and adapt to it is a skill, and you
Speaker 1: don't really want to be using any skill for the
Speaker 1: first time when things are really dire. So by doing
Speaker 1: these solitary trips or even activities it could be as
Speaker 1: simple as going for a day trip by yourself or
Speaker 1: to the movies, we slowly adjust our minds to accept
Speaker 1: loneliness and acknowledge that being alone will sometimes be our reality,
Speaker 1: but we will get through it. So when we do
Speaker 1: feel this way, we see fewer of the emotional negative
Speaker 1: emotional effects really, and we know how to handle it.
Speaker 1: We're able to activate the benefits. These solitude trips have
Speaker 1: taught me so much about myself it's ridiculous. It has
Speaker 1: made me enjoy my own company so much more. It
Speaker 1: has made me show myself more self love, It has
Speaker 1: made me think deeper about my feelings and what I want,
Speaker 1: and it just made me realize that our lives are
Speaker 1: so busy, and especially if you're a people pleaser, we
Speaker 1: give up so much of our time to pleasing others.
Speaker 1: And also because we don't want to feel lonely, right
Speaker 1: We just our days are always so full with interactions
Speaker 1: and obligations, and when you force yourself to take a
Speaker 1: step back and embrace solitude, it is such a sacred
Speaker 1: and beautiful time, and I highly recommend it to anyone
Speaker 1: who either has a complicated relationship with feeling lonely or
Speaker 1: just wants to grow a little bit further in themselves
Speaker 1: and their own soul. I think another way to embrace
Speaker 1: loneliness is to acknowledge that it is a natural response
Speaker 1: to something that you need and that your needs are
Speaker 1: not being met. It's not something that's wrong with you,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't always have to be a need that
Speaker 1: has a social origin. Sometimes loneliness emerges from not feeling
Speaker 1: connected with ourselves. Really sit in and think about that
Speaker 1: for a second. Is it because you are genuinely alone
Speaker 1: that you feel this way, or because deep down you
Speaker 1: don't really feel like you know yourself well enough to
Speaker 1: ask for what you need or to ever feel satisfied
Speaker 1: in any relationship. The natural instinct is to minimize this
Speaker 1: feeling by filling up our days and socializing, but at
Speaker 1: the end of the night or at the end of
Speaker 1: the week, we will find ourselves back in the same
Speaker 1: position of not knowing and not knowing ourselves well enough,
Speaker 1: and the toxic cycle kind of continues. Like I said,
Speaker 1: spend a day each week if you can filling up
Speaker 1: your own cup so that you can firstly feel connected
Speaker 1: with yourself and secondly you can show up better in
Speaker 1: your interactions to make them more meaningful. It kind of
Speaker 1: heals two parts of you at once. It heals the
Speaker 1: connection in the relationship you have with yourself, and it
Speaker 1: makes your friendships and your relationships of a much higher quality.
Speaker 1: I think it's also important to practice forms of self
Speaker 1: care that are dependent on you rather than stimulation from others.
Speaker 1: That really helps us grow our independence and feel less
Speaker 1: fearful of being alone and schedule activities with friends that
Speaker 1: you actually enjoy. It's important to remember that different people
Speaker 1: are going to need different levels of social interaction and connection.
Speaker 1: I'm speaking about extroverts versus introverts. You don't need to
Speaker 1: go the entirely different way and completely cut yourself off
Speaker 1: from everyone to embrace feeling lonely. That's not what I'm suggesting.
Speaker 1: Hopefully no one thought that, but that's going to do
Speaker 1: a lot more harm than good. It's about finding balance
Speaker 1: between being able to spend time alone, feeling okay with
Speaker 1: feeling lonely every time now and again because it's natural
Speaker 1: and it's normal, but then also knowing that the support
Speaker 1: of others, having a great support network is really vital
Speaker 1: for our well being, and it will come if you
Speaker 1: don't have it. Now, there have been times when I
Speaker 1: didn't have it. Life surprises you and it gives you
Speaker 1: what you need, and sometimes just the most remarkable people
Speaker 1: show up when you least expect them, and you really
Speaker 1: do feel seen and you feel heard and connected. I
Speaker 1: hope what you've taken away from all of this is
Speaker 1: that loneliness is not only normal, it's also nothing to
Speaker 1: flee from. It is intuition and it is natural, and
Speaker 1: we don't need to feel panicked or feel the need
Speaker 1: to grasp on to social connections that really aren't fulfilling
Speaker 1: us just to avoid feeling lonely. Being lonely is not
Speaker 1: always a curse, you know. As much as society and
Speaker 1: television and people try and make us feel like we
Speaker 1: need to have this massive group of friends or always
Speaker 1: be fulfilled by the people we're around. That's not the case.
Speaker 1: It's not a curse. It's not that there's something wrong
Speaker 1: with you. I think we just need to reframe our
Speaker 1: relationship with solitude and being alone and recognize that sometimes
Speaker 1: it's necessary to go through these periods in order to
Speaker 1: grow and in order to reprioritize our relationships and our
Speaker 1: knowledge of ourselves. There's also a lot of psychological benefits.
Speaker 1: Like I said, everything in a healthy dose. But if
Speaker 1: you are going through this now, I am sending you
Speaker 1: so much strength but also a lot of credit. It's
Speaker 1: really hard, it's really hard to feel that way, and
Speaker 1: I promise that this won't last forever. You are a
Speaker 1: wonderful person who people love, and if you feel disconnected
Speaker 1: right now, I promise it gets better. Like I said,
Speaker 1: you haven't yet met all the people who are going
Speaker 1: to love you in this life. Friends, partners, family members.
Speaker 1: There are so many people out there who really do care.
Speaker 1: So embrace this time for what it's teaching you, and
Speaker 1: above all else, I think, show yourself some grace and
Speaker 1: take care of yourself. Thank you so much. For listening
Speaker 1: to today's episode, it did feel like a bit of
Speaker 1: a rant at times. It's just something I've been mulling
Speaker 1: over and talking about so much recently. The loneliness is
Speaker 1: so stigmatized, it is not talked about enough. So I
Speaker 1: just wanted to share a bit of my own experience.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to come out and say, I've been
Speaker 1: feeling lonely. It's not because I don't have great friends
Speaker 1: or a beautiful family. I know. It's because that I've
Speaker 1: just been feeling really disconnected from myself. I haven't been
Speaker 1: prioritizing friendships that are worthwhile and interactions that are worth wow.
Speaker 1: And I know sometimes it's just biology. It's just my
Speaker 1: brain trying to warn me or do something funny to
Speaker 1: ensure my survival in a world that no longer exists.
Speaker 1: So it's all very interesting and very nuanced. But at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I'm going to say it again,
Speaker 1: loneliness is not your enemy. It gets such a bad rap,
Speaker 1: but it is an important feeling. It's just part of
Speaker 1: feeling human. So I really hope you learned something. I
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed. If there is a friend of yours
Speaker 1: who needs to hear this episode, please send them a link,
Speaker 1: share the love, pass it forward, and if you do
Speaker 1: feel cold to do so, please feel free to leave
Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're
Speaker 1: listening right now. It really does help the show to
Speaker 1: grow reach new people who you think may like it,
Speaker 1: and it just really makes my day. So I want
Speaker 1: to thank you all for all the support recently. It's
Speaker 1: been a man how much you have been loving the
Speaker 1: recent episodes. I love the recent episodes, so maybe that's it.
Speaker 1: I'm just like, I'm really in it at the moment.
Speaker 1: There's so much I want to talk about with you,
Speaker 1: so thank you for following along. And if you have
Speaker 1: an episode suggestion, I love when people send me ideas,
Speaker 1: so please feel free to follow me at that Psychology
Speaker 1: podcast on Instagram and shoot me a DM if there's
Speaker 1: something you think that I should cover in our twenties
Speaker 1: around psychology or just anything really and have a lovely day.
Speaker 1: We will be back later this week for another episode.