Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world. We have an exciting guest
Speaker 1: today for a very exciting topic. We did a series
Speaker 1: on the show called Dating in Your Twenties, and our
Speaker 1: guest has decided to join us and share some of
Speaker 1: her own wisdom. Violet, how are you going.
Speaker 2: I'm well, thank you so much for having me. I'm
Speaker 2: excited to be here.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course, it felt like such a natural fit.
Speaker 1: Honestly so. Violet, if you do not know her, is
Speaker 1: the host of the almost adulting podcast otherwise known as
Speaker 1: Daddy Issues Online. Some amazing advice given over there and
Speaker 1: just like some hard truth skilled So I feel like
Speaker 1: this is gonna be a great episode. Yeah, I'm excited.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we got we got really, we got on really
Speaker 2: well before we started recording, so that was that's always good.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I felt like we were sitting in like
Speaker 1: zoom talking because you're in La Yes, yeah, and I'm
Speaker 1: in Sydney and we were sitting on the zoom I
Speaker 1: think for like half an hour just actually just having
Speaker 1: having a yawn as they say in Australia, having a
Speaker 1: little chat. So I was like, we're about to pop facts.
Speaker 1: Everyone's open your ears wide.
Speaker 2: That's so cute. Okay, your phrases. I could tell you Australia.
Speaker 2: The minute you said the word heaps when we're talking
Speaker 2: in DMS, I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1: So you're in Australia, what is it heaps?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you said heaps, there's heaps something.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, I totally say that. So it's so
Speaker 1: funny because I don't notice it until I'm on calls
Speaker 1: with people who are based in the US or based
Speaker 1: in London, and they'll be like, what did you just say?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't know. I also got this
Speaker 1: like random DM from someone the other day that was like,
Speaker 1: you pronounce all of your words incorrectly, like and I
Speaker 1: was like, yeah she was, and then she like was like,
Speaker 1: these are the words that I heard in your most
Speaker 1: recent episode that were wrong, And I was like, I've
Speaker 1: got an Australian accent, Like it's not I know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so strange.
Speaker 2: No, it's a real thing. I have gotten before, negative
Speaker 2: reviews on my almost adulting podcasts and mean dms when
Speaker 2: people get upset with me when I don't pronounce myself,
Speaker 2: when I pronounce someone's name or word incorrectly, even though
Speaker 2: English is my third language. People forget that whatever countries
Speaker 2: you're from, you and the pronouncing words differently.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm exact.
Speaker 2: Americans forget that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so interesting as well, considering that English is
Speaker 1: your third language. Yes, why come on, give me be
Speaker 1: nice about it. I feel like if they also spoke
Speaker 1: three plus languages, they are welcome to criticize, but if not.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of like if you were trying to
Speaker 2: speak French right now, because of how you grew up
Speaker 2: speaking English with the Australian accent, you will not be
Speaker 2: able to have the proper accent that French people have.
Speaker 2: Because I speak Hebrew, I have the perfect French accent
Speaker 2: when I speak French, and I'm able to mimic it perfectly.
Speaker 2: But Americans will not be able either. And I will
Speaker 2: be able to say a lot of words, but that
Speaker 2: you guys won't be able to be of how I
Speaker 2: grew up, so it's the same thing. Then people from
Speaker 2: others speak other languages can't pronounce her in English words
Speaker 2: because we've never learned how to pronounce it like that,
Speaker 2: or our mouths don't move in that way. I don't
Speaker 2: know how to explain it. There's just words, some words
Speaker 2: that we just won't be able to ever pronounce.
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna try and do that awe sounding.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to be so embarrassing because
Speaker 1: I unfortunately only speak one language. How look at that,
Speaker 1: Wa're already off online a massive tangent. What we're really
Speaker 1: here to talk about today is dating in your twenties,
Speaker 1: and I feel like you have a lot of wisdom.
Speaker 1: Even before we jumped on this call, you were saying
Speaker 1: you're in like a long term relationship for most of
Speaker 1: your twenties, weren't you?
Speaker 2: Yes? I was. I was in wouldn't be funny, but
Speaker 2: just thinking if I was one of those guests you
Speaker 2: asked me a question, I'd just say yes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, I'd be working hard.
Speaker 2: Okay, So, yes, I was in a relationship most of
Speaker 2: my twenties. I was on off with one of with
Speaker 2: my second boyfriend, I basically growing up. And well, I
Speaker 2: started dating when I was seventeen. I was very much
Speaker 2: a late bloomer. I wasn't interested in boys. I'd moved
Speaker 2: to America when I was fourteen. I was just trying
Speaker 2: to figure out how to speak English, and I was
Speaker 2: not even thinking about boys. I did not get them
Speaker 2: at all, especially Americans and in Los Angeles right away.
Speaker 1: It's a whole different.
Speaker 2: World with those kids. So and I had my own
Speaker 2: issues growing up, aside from I was born with a
Speaker 2: birth defect, so it gave me a lot of insecurity
Speaker 2: as I stay away from boys until late teenage years.
Speaker 2: But also I grew up as I'm known as daddy issues.
Speaker 2: I grew up with daddy issues when I got through
Speaker 2: my teenage life. So of course that subconsciously formed the
Speaker 2: way I started pursuing my partners. I didn't know this yet.
Speaker 2: You don't know this as a child, and you don't
Speaker 2: know this as an adult that a lot of the
Speaker 2: pattern of who you date has a lot to do
Speaker 2: with your childhood trauma. You don't realize that yet. So
Speaker 2: the guy that I was just it wasn't love.
Speaker 1: It was obsession.
Speaker 2: He was my drug. And I didn't know why he
Speaker 2: was my drug, but I was addicted to him. I
Speaker 2: was addicted to my relationship for eight years. It was
Speaker 2: on and off, and he was just my everything. I
Speaker 2: mean when every time we break up, I would not
Speaker 2: always felt like I couldn't breathe. I was a person
Speaker 2: that I didn't want to get out of bed until
Speaker 2: he spoke to me, until I knew we were going
Speaker 2: to be okay. It just felt he was my everything.
Speaker 2: And of course when you have those type of partners,
Speaker 2: they love it. But I guess the type of person
Speaker 2: I ended up attracting emotionally unavailable partner. Did I realize that, No,
Speaker 2: of course I didn't. I just needed him to love me,
Speaker 2: And for eight years, it was this constant chase maybe
Speaker 2: one day he will love me, and I did everything
Speaker 2: I could to be better for him. For eight years.
Speaker 2: I was shaved my body every single day as long
Speaker 2: as we were together, My body shaved every single day.
Speaker 2: I want to be beautiful for him. Did he still cheat
Speaker 2: on me all the time? Yes? Did I know? No?
Speaker 2: Because I secretly didn't want to know. I secretly didn't
Speaker 2: want to know that because I think I didn't then
Speaker 2: want to deal with what would happen if I found out,
Speaker 2: because then I would actually have to leave, And that's
Speaker 2: a whole other thing. Did I love myself when I
Speaker 2: was growing up? No, of course not, because if I did,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have stayed in that relationship. But I think
Speaker 2: everything that happens to us, including people we date, it's
Speaker 2: not in a way that you look back and you think,
Speaker 2: I can't believe I gave him all my twenties. I
Speaker 2: can't believe I did this. It's more that was a
Speaker 2: life lesson and the reason I stay with my partner
Speaker 2: for so long was because the universe was teaching me
Speaker 2: over and over again the same mistakes that I was
Speaker 2: just for some reason, not learning. And it wasn't until
Speaker 2: I learned how to love myself that I removed myself
Speaker 2: from that relationship and started working on myself. Do I
Speaker 2: have some regrets that a part of me wishes I
Speaker 2: didn't give so many of my twenties to someone, just
Speaker 2: one person. Yes, but that's what I needed in my
Speaker 2: path to learn. I wish I didn't only exit that
Speaker 2: relationship in my late twenties and early thirties, and that
Speaker 2: was the first time I learned how to date or
Speaker 2: I had to unlearn everything I thought love was. I
Speaker 2: had to unlearn I had to learn what I like,
Speaker 2: what I don't like the other. Because when I got
Speaker 2: over that relationship with him, I tried to date guys afterwards,
Speaker 2: and I would pick fights with them, thinking that was
Speaker 2: going to make us closer. I was picked flights to
Speaker 2: get that tension because that's where I grew up with
Speaker 2: my dad when I was young, where my dad forgets
Speaker 2: I exist, so I have to act out. And when
Speaker 2: I act out, even if you be so sure of me,
Speaker 2: at least he notices me. So then accidentally in my
Speaker 2: relationship and then being the same thing where we will fight,
Speaker 2: and that's when my boyfriend payer attention to me and
Speaker 2: then we're fine.
Speaker 1: That was so insightful. I was so so insightful. And
Speaker 1: I think it really goes to show the complex interaction
Speaker 1: between how we were raised and how we approach intimacy
Speaker 1: and romantic relationships. And I think people often don't think
Speaker 1: that those are linked, right. They're like, Okay, well, you know,
Speaker 1: my childhood was a discreet time in my life, and
Speaker 1: my adulthood or my adolescence is also a discreet time.
Speaker 1: And there's no overlap, but it's like you really are
Speaker 1: the still the same person that's traveled through all of
Speaker 1: those experiences, and the trauma that you take from those
Speaker 1: will be brought into every chapter of your life. How
Speaker 1: do you think it was about your attachment style or
Speaker 1: how you were raised or your childhood that led you
Speaker 1: to be attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
Speaker 2: Okay, so here's the thing. A lot of people when
Speaker 2: they listen, they think, well, I don't have daddy issues
Speaker 2: that I can't relate, but they may have mommy issues,
Speaker 2: or they think I grew up with both my parents together,
Speaker 2: or I grew up with that parents, or whatever your
Speaker 2: dynamic and your growing up is. You'll be surprised. But
Speaker 2: everyone has some type of childhood trauma without even realize it.
Speaker 2: And trauma is not as bad of a ward as
Speaker 2: people think it is. It just means it's what formed
Speaker 2: you into the human being the adult that you are,
Speaker 2: and it's up to you now as an adult to
Speaker 2: unlearn a lot of these things. So again, even if
Speaker 2: you think, well, my dad was really nice to me,
Speaker 2: so it was my mom. Let's say there's guys out
Speaker 2: there their mom loved them so much. Guess what they
Speaker 2: have mommy.
Speaker 1: Issues where they.
Speaker 2: Now attract women like their mother and they hate them.
Speaker 2: They're pulsed by them because if they feel suf vocated
Speaker 2: and it reminds me of their mother. So then they
Speaker 2: end up chasing women who don't love them. So everyone
Speaker 2: has their own weird type of dating stuff that has
Speaker 2: to do with your parents until you realize it's happening
Speaker 2: and you have to learn it, but you have to
Speaker 2: be self aware. So I attracted my partner who was
Speaker 2: obsessed with who's my second boyfriend? Because my first one
Speaker 2: were just chilling, but my second one was like a
Speaker 2: drug because he was emotionally unavailable, which was similar to
Speaker 2: my father. And the reason we end up attracting these
Speaker 2: type of partners not just emotional unavailable, anything that feels familiar.
Speaker 2: Anytime in your life you meet someone and one person
Speaker 2: you meet and you're like, Okay, maybe I'll go out
Speaker 2: with them a few times, maybe I like them. Then
Speaker 2: someone else you meet and you're like, WHOA, I like you?
Speaker 2: What is this feeling? I don't get it, but if
Speaker 2: I love it, and it's because it feels familiar, and
Speaker 2: the familiar The reason it feels familiar is because it's
Speaker 2: a childhood wound that you have inside yourself that has
Speaker 2: an healed and your body feels at home, but not
Speaker 2: in a good way, in a way that something hurt
Speaker 2: you when you were a child, and that's what's reminding
Speaker 2: you of And what's happening is this is the psychology
Speaker 2: behind it. We attract partners are similar to our childhood
Speaker 2: traumas or our parents when they hurt us, because it's
Speaker 2: your brain hoping to revisit the same situation that happened
Speaker 2: to you in the past, and it's hoping that the
Speaker 2: outcome will be different this time. So if my father
Speaker 2: was emotional unavailable, which he was growing up, which but
Speaker 2: because I didn't understand his love language yet, So nothing
Speaker 2: I say is in a way where I want anyone
Speaker 2: to feel sorry for me, because I've worked through that.
Speaker 2: For me, my father was emotional unavailable, he didn't know
Speaker 2: express his feelings, and he didn't hug me or kiss
Speaker 2: me until I was twenty four to twenty five. And
Speaker 2: that's because I changed the cycle in our family, because
Speaker 2: I made that choice. V Until I decided to make
Speaker 2: that choice, I was dating guys like my dad, including
Speaker 2: my ex. So I started dating a man who was
Speaker 2: also emotional and available, and my brain was hoping, maybe
Speaker 2: eventually this guy will love you. So even though when
Speaker 2: you were growing up as a kid, your dad didn't
Speaker 2: love you, this man will finally give you the validation
Speaker 2: they've been searching for years. And guess what, it didn't
Speaker 2: happen because no matter what I did, I wasn't enough.
Speaker 2: Or that's what it felt like, because love first has
Speaker 2: to start with you. That's the longest relationship you're going
Speaker 2: to have in your life is a relationship you are
Speaker 2: with yourself. You can't continuously seek this outside validation, outside
Speaker 2: love if you don't love yourself, because you don't know
Speaker 2: not to mention, I don't know what love is. I
Speaker 2: grew up with a dad who didn't kiss me, or
Speaker 2: hug me, or tell me he loves me. What do
Speaker 2: I know what love is? I see my dad being cold,
Speaker 2: I think that's love. So that's what I attrack.
Speaker 1: Just like I have.
Speaker 2: Friends that grew up in a very abusive household where
Speaker 2: their parents were fighting all the time. They end up
Speaker 2: attracting a partner that they're fighting with all the time.
Speaker 2: They think that's love. So many of us don't realize
Speaker 2: but we don't even know what love is.
Speaker 1: I agree, honestly, and especially his people in our twenties.
Speaker 1: I think love for us is sometimes just a feeling,
Speaker 1: and we think that it's passion, and we think that
Speaker 1: it's chaos, or we think that it should just be
Speaker 1: this like easy thing, and we really don't know, because
Speaker 1: I think, just like trauma, love is also incredibly subjective.
Speaker 1: But it's interesting that you talk about how you like
Speaker 1: shifted the dynamic because I feel like when I've done
Speaker 1: a lot of work with my own therapists around my
Speaker 1: attachment style and all that comes with that, and I
Speaker 1: think it doesn't just have to do with your parental relationships.
Speaker 1: You know. As a child, I was really bullied, was
Speaker 1: really badly bullied, and I never really felt like anyone
Speaker 1: liked me, that I was like wanted or desired as
Speaker 1: a friend. And then as I got like later into
Speaker 1: my adolescence as someone people wanted to date. And so
Speaker 1: as soon as I went to university and like people
Speaker 1: were like attracted to me and there was alcohol and
Speaker 1: I was there was all this freedom, and I was
Speaker 1: living in college, which I had no standards for myself
Speaker 1: because I was like, well, I have this in a
Speaker 1: childhood wound of not feeling wanted and feeling unlovable. So
Speaker 1: the moment that someone comes in and is like, you know,
Speaker 1: even just wants to have sex with you, They don't
Speaker 1: want to give you anything more, my brain was like, well,
Speaker 1: that's showing that they want you, and that's like a really,
Speaker 1: that's something that you've always wanted. That's something that you're
Speaker 1: really like, you've always desired, and wouldn't it be amazing
Speaker 1: to finally have that. So I basically just didn't have
Speaker 1: any standards for myself and would attract people who treated
Speaker 1: me badly or who were like almost cruel or super
Speaker 1: ambivalent towards like our relationship.
Speaker 2: I don't know, actually you didn't know what love was.
Speaker 2: Of course, of course you equated that to love, because
Speaker 2: you said I felt unlovable. People didn't want to be
Speaker 2: my friends. And the thing is that was the reality
Speaker 2: you create to yourself. And when we feel that way
Speaker 2: about ourselves, it doesn't matter what's happening on the outside.
Speaker 2: We don't see it. And eventually you grew up and
Speaker 2: you realize, well, all these people around me are trying
Speaker 2: to love me, and I'm not even seeing it because
Speaker 2: I'm so focused on people don't love me because I
Speaker 2: grew up feeling unlovable. So again, you don't know what
Speaker 2: love is. So then you only then end up being
Speaker 2: drawn to people who don't love you, or you end
Speaker 2: up being drawn to someone that, even for a night,
Speaker 2: gives you sex because in that moment, you feel desirable
Speaker 2: and you feel wanted. And I for the longest time
Speaker 2: with my ex boyfriend, all we had really is sex
Speaker 2: that we didn't really talk. I didn't know how to
Speaker 2: open up to people. I never talked about my feelings,
Speaker 2: so I did even though that was my one partner sexually,
Speaker 2: It's all I had to offer him was my body.
Speaker 2: I want to be beautiful for him. I was having
Speaker 2: sex with him, so I also equated sex with love,
Speaker 2: and that's the thing that a lot of women do.
Speaker 2: And I've tried to talk about that before. And of
Speaker 2: course some people may not agree with my opinion when
Speaker 2: I say hold off on sex, but I believe it's
Speaker 2: genuinely important, especially if you're someone who still has to
Speaker 2: figure out your emotions and mental health and to put
Speaker 2: yourself first and to learn how to love yourself. If
Speaker 2: you accidentally fall off through sex, which has been a
Speaker 2: thing for me, then hold off because you want to
Speaker 2: get to know somebody on an emotional level before you
Speaker 2: catch up to it in a physical level. But you
Speaker 2: ask me something else, and I'm sorry that I ended
Speaker 2: up forgetting what you were talking about.
Speaker 1: Honestly, it just shows that you're passionate, and I feel
Speaker 1: like that's so passionate. When I tell I know I
Speaker 1: love it, it's like, honestly, so refreshing. But it's interesting.
Speaker 1: I just want to quickly talk on this. I was
Speaker 1: loostly looking into this research the other day. Sex creates
Speaker 1: like an emotional and neural bond with someone. Not saying
Speaker 1: that that doesn't mean yeah, for women is like in particular,
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that that doesn't mean you can
Speaker 1: have as much casual sex as you want, but it's
Speaker 1: worth noting that when you are physically closed with someone
Speaker 1: in that manner, whatever sex is for you in that moment,
Speaker 1: the amount of like oxytocin, which is like the chemical
Speaker 1: associated with happiness but also bonding that is released. It's
Speaker 1: no wonder that so many people, I think, find themselves
Speaker 1: they've had sex with someone and then suddenly they're like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm attached, you've got to also know
Speaker 1: what you want. Like I started doing this thing where
Speaker 1: I realized that I was very actively going for people
Speaker 1: who I actually didn't even respect or have anything in
Speaker 1: common with because I was like, oh, you know, well
Speaker 1: then they'll never leave me and I'll feel loved. And
Speaker 1: it basically like retrained my brain into not feeling that
Speaker 1: I actually deserve the love that I want it. So
Speaker 1: now I like have I like went to my therapist
Speaker 1: and was like, this is happening. I keep getting like
Speaker 1: obsessed over these men who I don't even respect.
Speaker 2: I get obsessed over them.
Speaker 1: Not anymore. This was like back maybe like a year
Speaker 1: and a half ago. I like went to her and
Speaker 1: was like, I am like there would be men who
Speaker 1: were violent, like they would be like sovice. Like literally
Speaker 1: one of them was was living with it, like living
Speaker 1: out of his car and with his friends. No shame
Speaker 1: to that, Like people go through different life circumstances.
Speaker 2: And he woke up with you and he said, you
Speaker 2: know what, I think I can do better?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, probably, Like I think it was a long relationship,
Speaker 1: but like there was another one who's like he's like
Speaker 1: I still live at home with my mom and I
Speaker 1: hate my job, but I only worked three days a
Speaker 1: week and I know. I was like, what are you
Speaker 1: interested in? And he's like, I don't really know, like
Speaker 1: watching TV? And I was like, I was like, are
Speaker 1: you the love of my life?
Speaker 2: Because it's like if you have hobbies, I can be
Speaker 2: I can be your hobby because I'm interested in me.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And the other thing was like he couldn't drive,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I can teach him how to drive,
Speaker 1: and then you know what, he can depend on me
Speaker 1: exactly it was. It was toxic and like I can
Speaker 1: look at that now and be like I get that.
Speaker 1: I get where that was coming from. I get where
Speaker 1: that was bad because I've healed that part of myself.
Speaker 1: But the way that I did that was like I
Speaker 1: literally set out like point blank in my notes. I
Speaker 1: wrote it in my diary, like what is the bare
Speaker 1: minimum here? Like what do I want? And after like dates,
Speaker 1: I would go back and be like did they actually
Speaker 1: meet this? If I couldn't really tell, I would go
Speaker 1: on a second date. But if it was like no,
Speaker 1: then I was like I always messaged them being like
Speaker 1: I'm really like I had a really amazing time, but
Speaker 1: this isn't going anywhere, and it's like a massive thing
Speaker 1: you need to learn. So I think my question to
Speaker 1: you was like, what do you think that, what do
Speaker 1: you wish you'd known at that time, or what do
Speaker 1: you wish you'd known earlier as someone back in their twenties.
Speaker 2: Well, A, I wish. It's hard to say because a
Speaker 2: part of me wants to say I wish I learned
Speaker 2: how to love myself sooner. But then I also think
Speaker 2: I needed to have all these life lessons. But I
Speaker 2: guess if I was being unrealistic and more dream in dreamland,
Speaker 2: and it's yes, if I could have the same outcome
Speaker 2: as now, if nothing would change, it's something that I
Speaker 2: could wish that I learned faster. It's probably how to
Speaker 2: love myself and how to walk away from a partner
Speaker 2: that was never going to love me because it was
Speaker 2: never about that person, and I wish that I didn't,
Speaker 2: You know what, Actually I wish I wish that I
Speaker 2: would have been more brave and learn and change my
Speaker 2: generational trauma and my family's dynamic sooner, because so many
Speaker 2: years I was always so afraid of being rejected by
Speaker 2: my father, which sounds so silly for anyone out there
Speaker 2: that doesn't have the type of issues, whether it's your
Speaker 2: mother or your father, But it's this weird rejection because
Speaker 2: people don't realize if you have daddy issues, the first
Speaker 2: man that breaks your heart technically is your father, which
Speaker 2: is a little strange. But I didn't really grow up
Speaker 2: with him. And then I remember when I saw one
Speaker 2: of my friends hug my dad. I didn't understand why
Speaker 2: she even did that. And I was like, wait, you
Speaker 2: just asked your dad for advice and you guys just
Speaker 2: hugged just like that. That's so weird. She goes, do
Speaker 2: you not hug your dad? And I go, well, I
Speaker 2: don't even know what you would do. But if I
Speaker 2: tried to hug him and he was like, ew, why
Speaker 2: are you touching me? That's so not our dynamic. It's weird.
Speaker 2: So it took me years until and I never would
Speaker 2: say a lot to him because I was scared he
Speaker 2: would laugh at my face or he would reject me,
Speaker 2: and I was scared of the rejection. And that kind
Speaker 2: of created the rest of my identity where it was
Speaker 2: around the male gaze, where I was insecure enough that
Speaker 2: I stay with my ex for so long, and I was.
Speaker 2: I was just there to be pretty and have sex
Speaker 2: with my boyfriend while he was cheating on me. But
Speaker 2: that was my role, and I still didn't know who
Speaker 2: I was. So when I one day as an I
Speaker 2: used to be an accountant. Oh why Yeah, I have
Speaker 2: two degrees, So I used to be an accountant. That's
Speaker 2: one of my degrees at a big public accounting firm.
Speaker 2: And when I was getting bullied at the firm, it's
Speaker 2: actually one of the reasons I started Daddy Issues. So honestly,
Speaker 2: bless them for bullying.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Strong.
Speaker 1: I wonder how they're going, Yeah, how are you going? Friends?
Speaker 2: So because of that, I created Daddy Issues secretly, and
Speaker 2: Daddy Issues when I created it, and I got to
Speaker 2: see with just through memes that my and when I
Speaker 2: created Daddy Issues, I created an alter ego because at
Speaker 2: this point I had no idea who I was, and
Speaker 2: I felt so invisible. I had no identity, and the
Speaker 2: people created me. Because when I started posting random things anonymously,
Speaker 2: because I was anonymous for almost two years, is when
Speaker 2: I suddenly got to see, oh, other people can relate.
Speaker 2: Oh I thought I was alone in this okay, And
Speaker 2: that gave me the and when I created Daddy Issues,
Speaker 2: I wrote about a girl who was my alter ego
Speaker 2: because I can never be as cool as her. She
Speaker 2: was a popular girl. She was a skinny, pretty girl
Speaker 2: that everyone liked. She grew up rich. I grew up poor.
Speaker 2: She had all the money, she had, all the drugs,
Speaker 2: all the boys liked her. I was so invisible, or
Speaker 2: at least thought that was my view, that was my reality.
Speaker 2: And that's how I was able to have the confidence
Speaker 2: to run Daddy Issues, which is so funny because I
Speaker 2: was pretending to be her, and that gave me and
Speaker 2: seeing how people could relate that I'm not alone, it
Speaker 2: gave me the confidence. And the first time I life that,
Speaker 2: I said, you know what, I don't care anymore if
Speaker 2: my dad's going to reject me, because I want to
Speaker 2: tell him that I love him. Because my father may
Speaker 2: not have who knows when how many more years I
Speaker 2: have with him. I want him to know that I
Speaker 2: love him, and that's all that matters. And I want
Speaker 2: to hug my dad, and I'm okay if he says no,
Speaker 2: or because at least I tried so, because at least
Speaker 2: then he'll know that I love him. So I started
Speaker 2: doing that. It was a practice I started. I started
Speaker 2: on the phone when we were about to talk on
Speaker 2: the phone barely but we're about to hang up, and
Speaker 2: I would say, wait, Dad, hold on. He's like what,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I love you, and it's like he hang ups.
Speaker 2: Then eventually I'm like, way, Dad, I love you. Silence
Speaker 2: stays on the phone, say on the phone, hangs up.
Speaker 2: Then eventually, Dad, I love you. Silence me too, hang up.
Speaker 2: Then eventually I love you. I love you too. I
Speaker 2: know it's so sweet.
Speaker 1: That is really sweet.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And then eventually started, you know, trying to hug
Speaker 2: each other and all that, and now my whole family
Speaker 2: dynamic is so different and in a weird way, that
Speaker 2: helped me learn how to love myself. And I helped
Speaker 2: me stop feeling this bless you. Sorry, I get so
Speaker 2: sensitive about my dad's so that's okay. It helped me
Speaker 2: stop feary like my dad's love was the scariest thing
Speaker 2: to me. So once I wasn't scared of being rejected
Speaker 2: by my father, almost felt like I was free because
Speaker 2: even in that moment, I would have known whether or
Speaker 2: not he was going to be super kate, and if
Speaker 2: he didn't, I would have finally let it go, and
Speaker 2: if he did, whatever, But in that moment also is
Speaker 2: when I got to learn love languages and all that
Speaker 2: and attachmentselves, and I got to learn that my father
Speaker 2: did try his whole life to love me. I just
Speaker 2: didn't know because my dad's love language was putting a
Speaker 2: roof over my head and acts of service because his
Speaker 2: father was an alcoholic drug who got beat up to
Speaker 2: death when he was when my dad was seventeen for
Speaker 2: being a Jew in Communist Russia, and he left my
Speaker 2: father and his mother with nothing. So my dads were
Speaker 2: to never be like his father, to provide us with
Speaker 2: the home and get me through school. And that's exactly
Speaker 2: what he did. That's how he showed me his love.
Speaker 2: But I didn't know because I'm just a child. I
Speaker 2: just want to be hugged and I don't have that.
Speaker 2: But he didn't grow up with that. So as an adult,
Speaker 2: I got to learn that, and I got to forgive
Speaker 2: my father for not knowing any better, and I got
Speaker 2: to show him love and he gets to give me
Speaker 2: love back, and I get to show love to the world.
Speaker 2: And that's actually one of the reasons I created my
Speaker 2: podcast because it was me being so fascinating curious about
Speaker 2: all these things I didn't grow up with, and it
Speaker 2: made me want to as I'm learning everything, I want
Speaker 2: to share it with my audience.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so beautiful, it really is, and a massive
Speaker 1: testament to you that I think not many people have
Speaker 1: the self awareness and the vulnerability to actually approach that
Speaker 1: issue within their family. Like so many people just kind
Speaker 1: of get to the point where they're like, this is
Speaker 1: how it's always going to be beautifully changed. Like you
Speaker 1: healed your generational and trauma, Like you genuinely did that
Speaker 1: as a single individual. You sat back and were like,
Speaker 1: this is mine to fix and you did it. And
Speaker 1: that's so nice. Oh it's so deserving. You're so deserving
Speaker 1: of that as well. And what do you think when
Speaker 1: I really want to pick up on what you talked
Speaker 1: about when you talked about love languages as well? Do
Speaker 1: you did a minute? Do you want to pause from fine? Okay?
Speaker 1: Are you sure getting away? Period?
Speaker 2: Start? Oh?
Speaker 1: Okay? Do you think that knowing what you now know
Speaker 1: about your dad's love language has changed your love languages
Speaker 1: over time or changed how you approach, how you communicate
Speaker 1: or show your love language?
Speaker 2: So I think as we get older, our love languages
Speaker 2: are constantly changing as we are constantly evolving, hopefully, which
Speaker 2: is what you should be doing. And I think the
Speaker 2: coolest thing about love languages is that we don't realize
Speaker 2: two things. Number one, the love languages that you have
Speaker 2: as an adult, actually the love languages you didn't get
Speaker 2: as a child. Yes, voice, so my love languages were
Speaker 2: touch and words of information, but I didn't know that
Speaker 2: was my love languages. But that's what I lacked. And
Speaker 2: the love language I was giving to other people were
Speaker 2: gifts and acts of service because that's what I grew
Speaker 2: up with my father. And the second thing that we
Speaker 2: don't know about love languages aside from it's always changing,
Speaker 2: So I guess the second thing is that it's always changing.
Speaker 2: So then the third thing we don't realize love languages
Speaker 2: applied to everything, and a lot of times we tend
Speaker 2: to apply them only in dating. And then how often
Speaker 2: do we have breakups with our friends? And that's a
Speaker 2: thing that we never really talk about friendship breakups and
Speaker 2: the friends. But love languages also happened in your friendships,
Speaker 2: in your family dynamic with my sister, my sister and
Speaker 2: I during the pandemic. We had a really big fight
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't get it. She called me selfish
Speaker 2: all these words, and I did, and she said, you
Speaker 2: make you just don't love me. It feels like you
Speaker 2: don't care about me. And I said, I don't understand.
Speaker 2: I'm trying so hard to show you that I love you.
Speaker 2: Every day I text you how amazing you are and
Speaker 2: how much you're killing it, and I've been buying your
Speaker 2: children gifts because I love you so much. She goes,
Speaker 2: You're so fucking shallow, Like it's like you never answer
Speaker 2: my text, you don't call me, and then you just
Speaker 2: tell me I'm amazing. What does that even mean? And
Speaker 2: that's when I sat down. Instead of attacking my sister
Speaker 2: back and not speaking to her whatever people like to
Speaker 2: do these days, I realized, wait, why would she say
Speaker 2: I'm shallow? I don't get it. I'm showing you that
Speaker 2: I love her. And then I realized, wait, does she
Speaker 2: not feel loved by me? What does this mean? And
Speaker 2: then I started digging into love languages and I realized, oh,
Speaker 2: I bet we have different love languages. I bet I'm
Speaker 2: doing my best to show her that I love her,
Speaker 2: but she's not speaking the same love language as me,
Speaker 2: so to her, she feels un love by her own
Speaker 2: sister and we're best friends. And that's when I realized, Karen,
Speaker 2: what's your love language? And said, what are you talking about?
Speaker 2: And I said, Karen, just do the test, the random
Speaker 2: free test on Google languages. I think that's where we
Speaker 2: have the issue. So again I put my ego aside
Speaker 2: to figure out instead of taking what she said personally,
Speaker 2: to understand how can I make my sister feel loved?
Speaker 2: And that's when I realized, for her, what is it
Speaker 2: physical touch and quality time or her love languages? So
Speaker 2: we are the pandemic, so we can't do quality time.
Speaker 2: So she's missing that, and I mean physical touch and
Speaker 2: the quality time I'm not. I'm so busy with work
Speaker 2: that's not priority for me to answer people's sex right
Speaker 2: away or to call. So I'm doing what I know best,
Speaker 2: which is hey, you're doing great, or you look so
Speaker 2: cute in that outfit, because that works for me, but
Speaker 2: for her it's shallow. So once I realized that my
Speaker 2: phone's always on, do not disturb, But with my sister,
Speaker 2: I remove that. So she texts me, I answer right away.
Speaker 2: I always call her I check in with her now
Speaker 2: the pandemic's over, and make sure to spend time with
Speaker 2: her because I know that's what's important to her. Is
Speaker 2: it one of my It is technically one of my
Speaker 2: love languages now, but in the past was it No?
Speaker 2: But because I knew that's have she feelt loved, I
Speaker 2: made the effort to do that. So I think it's
Speaker 2: the same thing with couples as well. You should ask
Speaker 2: each other or your friends what are your love languages,
Speaker 2: and even if those are not your love languages, then
Speaker 2: you can put the effort to make the other person
Speaker 2: feel loved because a lot it's so sad the fact
Speaker 2: that all these years growing up with my father, he
Speaker 2: did his best in his own way to show me
Speaker 2: that you loved me, and I've was this lonely child
Speaker 2: thinking what does my father hate me so much? You know?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so rough, I think, but it shows a
Speaker 1: great maturity and I think self awareness to recognize that
Speaker 1: your love languages aren't just for what you need, but
Speaker 1: therefore what others want to receive from you as well,
Speaker 1: and you have to adapt them to different circumstances, especially
Speaker 1: in relationships where you really love the person and I
Speaker 1: think a familial and a sister relationship is such a
Speaker 1: good example of that where it's like, okay, I feel
Speaker 1: like sometimes love languages don't really apply in like the
Speaker 1: early stages of dating if you're not like committed to
Speaker 1: each other. But when it comes to those like lifelong
Speaker 1: relationships that are always going to be by your side,
Speaker 1: it's worth really acknowledging, like where your capacity for showing
Speaker 1: love and the kind of love you show has come from,
Speaker 1: and how it can change over time, because I also agree,
Speaker 1: I do believe that it will change, and there are
Speaker 1: certain people in your life who will change that for you.
Speaker 1: Like I think I was always someone who I thought
Speaker 1: my love language was like physical touch and words of affirmation.
Speaker 1: And then I had this boyfriend who was so generous
Speaker 1: with me and would always give me gifts that he'd
Speaker 1: really thought about, and I always felt so awkward about
Speaker 1: receiving those, and I I was always like oh no, no, no,
Speaker 1: like this is weird. This is like what are you doing?
Speaker 1: You're bribing me?
Speaker 2: Like what are you bribing me?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just I wasn't used to it.
Speaker 1: I was like worth yeah, I was like, this actually
Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable and then he was like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: actually just doing this because I love you. And I
Speaker 1: was like, and then it can change. And now I'm
Speaker 1: much better at receiving gifts from people when I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, when they've really a bad way.
Speaker 2: He knew how to express himself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it was so sweet. It was really sweet.
Speaker 1: He like, yeah, he was a good boyfriend. Shout out
Speaker 1: to that boyfriend. He was a goodie. Before we wrap up,
Speaker 1: I do want to ask just like one final question here,
Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of what we've spoken
Speaker 1: about today is navigating our childhood wounds and these versions
Speaker 1: of our younger self that we have to adapt and
Speaker 1: bring into our current selves and understand and love. So
Speaker 1: what would you say to like your younger self, that
Speaker 1: little girl who didn't feel particularly loved or seen by
Speaker 1: her father, or any of those versions of you.
Speaker 2: I guess what I would tell my younger self. I
Speaker 2: would tell my younger self that all the things in
Speaker 2: that moment that I think are important and matter will
Speaker 2: not matter a couple of years from now. Whether it
Speaker 2: was dying to be popular in high school, to be
Speaker 2: seen the boys that I thought were cool, the guys
Speaker 2: that I was seeing the none of them matter and
Speaker 2: wanting to get love from people that ever loved me,
Speaker 2: that all that would not matter as long as love myself.
Speaker 2: I think the biggest lesson I could have given my
Speaker 2: younger self is that no one else knows what they're doing,
Speaker 2: and everyone else is just as insecure as you are.
Speaker 2: That's the biggest lesson that I would take away. And
Speaker 2: it took me a lot of years to learn that
Speaker 2: no one else, everyone else is a loser just like you.
Speaker 2: Because first you're like, I'm the biggest loser in this room,
Speaker 2: and then you're like, wait, no, everyone else is a
Speaker 2: loser in this room. No one is thinking about you.
Speaker 2: No one's thinking about me right now. No one's judging me,
Speaker 2: no one gives a shit about me. And you know what,
Speaker 2: that's beautiful. That's amazing because I didn't get to walk
Speaker 2: around and live my life and do everything I want
Speaker 2: to do because no one gives a shit. We spent
Speaker 2: so much of our lives caring so much what everyone
Speaker 2: else thinks, until one day we realize that no one
Speaker 2: was ever thinking about us at all. They were thinking
Speaker 2: about themselves and their ibs and and you know, the
Speaker 2: guy who didn't text them and whatever it else, they
Speaker 2: weren't thinking. They don't give a shit. Then you forgot
Speaker 2: to brush your hair. They weren't looking at you, and
Speaker 2: tomorrow they're not going to remember that because they're going
Speaker 2: to think about something else. So you're going to spend
Speaker 2: your whole life what not moving forward, not doing sure
Speaker 2: because God forbid, someone else is going to judge you.
Speaker 2: Fuck those people you know tells you not to do something,
Speaker 2: it's people that are too scared to do it themselves.
Speaker 2: So what I would tell my younger self is to
Speaker 2: everyone's so insecure and to not listen to other people
Speaker 2: to tell me that I can't do something or that
Speaker 2: I or know, because what the F did they know?
Speaker 1: Mmm? I totally agree. One of my friends said this
Speaker 1: to me the other day and it really resonated. It
Speaker 1: was like, you will never be judged by someone doing
Speaker 1: better than you. No one doing better than you is
Speaker 1: ever going to judge down on you because they know
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: I just that makes me feel I really needed to
Speaker 2: hear that. That makes me feel so really there.
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna write that Downeah, really good advice.
Speaker 1: It really changed things to me. You know, I feel like, wow,
Speaker 1: I feel like both of us have online a big
Speaker 1: online You have a massive online presence, mindless so but
Speaker 1: still an online presence. And sometimes people can be really mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: really mean, and it's just it really I was talking
Speaker 1: to my friend about it and she said that to me.
Speaker 1: She was like, listen, none of these people have what
Speaker 1: you have. If they did, they wouldn't be saying anything.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine someone doing better than you, ever criticizing
Speaker 1: you or putting you down. It's like no, because they're
Speaker 1: not insecure, because they would have that need to prove
Speaker 1: themselves by tall poppy syndrome like we were talking about before.
Speaker 2: So yeah, like Kylie Jenner is not sitting around thinking
Speaker 2: like that's a stupid episode. She's more thinking, Okay, don't
Speaker 2: want to listen to this or not goodbye, you know,
Speaker 2: and then she goes back to her multi billion dollar
Speaker 2: company exactly.
Speaker 1: Meanwhile, we're just here like h letting little trolls like
Speaker 1: ruin our days. So it's a good thing to remember.
Speaker 1: That's a really good advice. I'm glad you liked it. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming on, of course, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for having me. It was honestly probably one of
Speaker 1: my favorite episodes. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I
Speaker 1: hope that everyone who is listening right now learned something,
Speaker 1: enjoyed it, and let you go and listen to Almost
Speaker 1: Adulting and follow Daddy Issues on Instagram because both are
Speaker 1: incredible slices and corners of the Internet.
Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much for having me. Almost Adulting
Speaker 2: is on every Tuesday and Thursday. My sole episodes or
Speaker 2: guest episodes normally Thursday. My short episodes and more fun
Speaker 2: episodes are Tuesdays, available on all platforms, and then I'm
Speaker 2: Fellow Benson. You can follow me on Instagram and then
Speaker 2: my memacount Daddy Issues Underscore.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny. I've actually been following Daddy Issues
Speaker 1: since I was like nineteen eighteen. Really, yeah, it would
Speaker 1: have been a while. I remember, like me and my
Speaker 1: friends really lacking it back when I was in So
Speaker 1: that's so cool that full circle moment for me. Thank
Speaker 1: you everyone for listening today. If you enjoyed this episode,
Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now if you
Speaker 1: feel cold to do so, of course, it really helps
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Speaker 1: We take episode suggestions, we'd love to hear from you,
Speaker 1: and as always, to have a lovely week wherever you
Speaker 1: are in the world, and we will be back next
Speaker 1: week for another episode.