Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,
Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,
Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 1: to have you back here for another episode. This week,
Speaker 1: I thought we'd tackle a subject that I'm sure is
Speaker 1: really pertinent for a lot of us at the moment,
Speaker 1: and that is the struggle with perfectionism, particularly as it
Speaker 1: relates to academic anxiety, but also in so many other
Speaker 1: realms of our lives. The interesting thing about this topic
Speaker 1: for me is that perfectionism is often interpreted as a
Speaker 1: good thing and an overall positive quality. How many of
Speaker 1: us have wrote that you have strong attention to detail
Speaker 1: on our resumes or talked about your perfectionist traits in
Speaker 1: a job interview. It's widely valued and viewed in society
Speaker 1: as a positive thing, something that we would like to have,
Speaker 1: so we don't always second guess its use and what
Speaker 1: it actually means for our behavior, particularly for people in
Speaker 1: their twenties. As is obviously the whole entire purpose of
Speaker 1: this show. But what does psychology actually say about this trait?
Speaker 1: What does it actually say about perfectionism. I'm going to
Speaker 1: spoil some of the research for you already, but if
Speaker 1: you haven't guessed it, perfectionism can be incredibly stifling and
Speaker 1: restrictive in the pursuit of both our short term goals
Speaker 1: such as a finishing an assignment, getting things done, completing
Speaker 1: the things on our to do list, but also our
Speaker 1: long term goals all the way up to graduating university,
Speaker 1: choosing a career path, and even creating successful relationships. There
Speaker 1: are some surprising emotional and mental health consequences that I
Speaker 1: think aren't spoken about enough when we talk about perfectionism,
Speaker 1: and more broadly, there are a number of misconceptions about
Speaker 1: this concept that I think need to be broken down
Speaker 1: because that colocal use to describe perfectionism as positive, it
Speaker 1: really does reinforce some pretty negative behaviors, and in reality,
Speaker 1: there really isn't much about this quality that is healthy.
Speaker 1: In fact, it's very much a dangerous, maladaptive coping mechanism
Speaker 1: for dealing with failure and for dealing with criticism from others,
Speaker 1: and it's on the rise, particularly amongst young people. As
Speaker 1: far as our twenties are concerned, the presence of perfectionism
Speaker 1: is very important to discuss as it relates to a
Speaker 1: number of our experiences, including our body image. If you
Speaker 1: listen to the episode on eating disorders or diet culture,
Speaker 1: you'll already know that people with certain conditions like anorexia
Speaker 1: are much more likely to be perfectionist compared to the
Speaker 1: average individual, but also people bleazing tendencies, and the one
Speaker 1: I really want to focus on today academic performance and
Speaker 1: academic anxiety. Most of us in our twenties, I would
Speaker 1: assume are in some kind of further study or you
Speaker 1: have done further study. And although it is a slug
Speaker 1: for most of us and unenjoyable at times, some of
Speaker 1: us are particularly crippled by the need to meet an
Speaker 1: exceptional standard of performance, to the point that it actually
Speaker 1: causes paralysis. It paralyzes our ability to start things, to
Speaker 1: finish them, to feel happy and successful. It's like our
Speaker 1: brain is asking us for one thing, but simultaneously sabotaging
Speaker 1: our efforts, and it's a very complicated interaction. Interestingly, students
Speaker 1: who are perfectionists do typically do better in academic environments,
Speaker 1: but add a massive expense to the overall enjoyment of
Speaker 1: their studies and their overall wellbeing. So today we're going
Speaker 1: to discuss everything to do with perfectionism, from the origins,
Speaker 1: why some people have it and others don't, the links
Speaker 1: to personality and procrastination, how it relates to academic anxiety,
Speaker 1: and of course what we can do about it. I
Speaker 1: think perfectionism sometimes feels like a bit of a mental prison.
Speaker 1: I'm saying that as a perfectionist myself. But we can
Speaker 1: really retrain our brains using techniques like the eighty twenty method,
Speaker 1: visualization positive self talk to reframe the tasks on our
Speaker 1: to do list so that they seem manageable and ultimately
Speaker 1: understand that life is not about being perfect. So for
Speaker 1: my perfectionists out there, this one is for you. Let's
Speaker 1: ride this wave together and get to the bottom of
Speaker 1: the psychology and the science of perfectionism. Perfectionism it's not
Speaker 1: the same as having high standards for ourselves or wanting
Speaker 1: to be the best that we can be. That's probably
Speaker 1: the biggest misconception that I want to address straight off
Speaker 1: the bat, because I think this misunderstanding is a massive
Speaker 1: reason why we often think of this trait as being positive.
Speaker 1: But in the words of possibly one of my favorite people,
Speaker 1: Brene Brown, perfectionism is not the same thing as striving
Speaker 1: to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement
Speaker 1: and growth. It's actually about shielding or protecting ourselves against blame,
Speaker 1: against judgment or shame. That is really at the core
Speaker 1: of what we're talking about today. But let's get our
Speaker 1: basics down pat first before we jump in. Perfectionism in
Speaker 1: psychology is essentially a personality trait in which an individual
Speaker 1: is driven to appear, to feel, and to be perfect,
Speaker 1: often at the expense of their self esteem. And it's
Speaker 1: not just perfection as it relates to our grades. It's
Speaker 1: perfection in all areas of life. Maybe you are a
Speaker 1: big runner, a big athlete, you can have perfectionist qualities
Speaker 1: and traits within that domain. Or when it comes to
Speaker 1: our body image, or how much money we're making or
Speaker 1: our success, it's all related to this inherent quality you
Speaker 1: see perfectionism. It's not an encouraging voice in our head.
Speaker 1: It's actually quite a negative and self critical little creature
Speaker 1: that convinces us that if we're not achieving unattainable ideals
Speaker 1: or unrealistic goals. We are a failure and amongst people
Speaker 1: who have this trait, their self worth is often determined
Speaker 1: by their capacity to reach these incredibly high personal standards,
Speaker 1: and this causes us to push and push until we
Speaker 1: either succeed, which is incredibly rare, or we quote unquote
Speaker 1: fail and we burn out, resulting in this massive dip
Speaker 1: in our sense of self worth and other behaviors like
Speaker 1: procrastination and even depression and anxiety. So in this way,
Speaker 1: it is highly maladaptive, maladaptive being a behavior that interferes
Speaker 1: with our ability to perform daily activities because it encompasses
Speaker 1: so many negative and self sabotaging aspects, like an intense
Speaker 1: fear of failure, unrealistic standards, only focusing on results, and
Speaker 1: being intensely critical of ourselves. This really fascinating article put
Speaker 1: it in a great way. Perfections are held to this
Speaker 1: strange double standard in our society, where they are simultaneously
Speaker 1: admired for their achievements whilst also very much criticized, and
Speaker 1: not just by external forces or other people, but by themselves.
Speaker 1: So they receive all of this praise externally but internally
Speaker 1: they're really struggling, and it's this double standard, especially when
Speaker 1: it comes to something like academic achievement, which is universally
Speaker 1: valued in our society. That creates a very difficult cycle
Speaker 1: based on external reinforcement from society and then an internal
Speaker 1: fear of failure, which just perpetuates the behavior. So if
Speaker 1: you are listening to this, thinking, this is literally describing me.
Speaker 1: This is me. Let's firstly dive a bit further into
Speaker 1: some of the signs or problematic behaviors to look out for.
Speaker 1: A big one is that you struggle to complete tasks
Speaker 1: in a timely manner or when they need to be
Speaker 1: done by. This has strong links to procrastination, which is
Speaker 1: an aspect of perfectionism we'll touch on later, but essentially,
Speaker 1: if you are a perfectionist, it's really hard to start something,
Speaker 1: to finish something if you don't personally believe that it's perfect.
Speaker 1: So it's a massive indicator not that you're lazy, but
Speaker 1: that actually you set such high standards for yourself that
Speaker 1: you can't even possibly begin to try and meet them.
Speaker 1: You might also find it really hard to come back
Speaker 1: from mistakes, and you ruminate on your failures rather than
Speaker 1: your successes, which can create a very toxic headspace. Incredibly
Speaker 1: toxic because if that little voice in your head is
Speaker 1: always telling you that you've never done well enough, you've
Speaker 1: never met your standards, it's going to be incredibly hard
Speaker 1: to view yourself in a positive light. And you might
Speaker 1: also have a hard time overlooking small mistakes and repeatedly
Speaker 1: going over your work, redoing your task until it's perfect,
Speaker 1: even if it takes hours and hours. Hence that maladaptive aspect.
Speaker 1: You may also feel an immense, almost out of body
Speaker 1: like pressure to live up to high expectations, both your
Speaker 1: own and others, and additionally, you might also be hyper
Speaker 1: sensitive to criticism or rejection. This is why perfectionism and
Speaker 1: people pleasing go hand in hand, because perfectionists are highly
Speaker 1: attuned to the expectations of others, and they have this
Speaker 1: intense fear of upsetting or disappointing people like their parents,
Speaker 1: people they respect society in general, meaning that they neglect
Speaker 1: their own needs for the sake of other people. Your
Speaker 1: identity might also be highly dependent on your accomplishments, and
Speaker 1: you may say yourself as a really driven person, but
Speaker 1: your failures mean a lot more to you in that
Speaker 1: they are how you judge your character. So you might
Speaker 1: admire yourself for being accomplished. Outwardly, you might seem highly driven,
Speaker 1: but if someone was to take a look inside your brain,
Speaker 1: it probably wouldn't be a pretty place to be, because
Speaker 1: every failure to you means the world. Finally, you may
Speaker 1: also have extremely high standards for others, which can put
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on your personal relationships if your
Speaker 1: friends or your partner can never meet your unattainable expectations,
Speaker 1: resulting in essentially relationship breakdown. These are obviously just a few,
Speaker 1: but there are so many niche behaviors that are highly
Speaker 1: correlated with individuals who are high in the perfectionist trait.
Speaker 1: As a psychologist would say, of course, none of these
Speaker 1: behaviors are deliberate. Perfectionism, like we mentioned at the very start,
Speaker 1: is a personality trait, meaning that it and its associated
Speaker 1: actions or habits are often innate and they have formed
Speaker 1: unconsciously and beyond our control, which is what makes it
Speaker 1: such a hard thing to treat. I think it's also
Speaker 1: interesting to point out here that there is not just
Speaker 1: one type of perfectionist, but there are three, and there
Speaker 1: are two actually very important people We need to stop
Speaker 1: and acknowledge here, and that is doctor Paul Hewitt and
Speaker 1: doctor Gordon Flett. They are essentially the pioneers of the
Speaker 1: large majority of research into perfectionism over the last couple
Speaker 1: of decades, and one thing they found is that, like
Speaker 1: most traits, perfectionism also exists on a spectrum, and it
Speaker 1: can differ in presentation for different people. The three broad
Speaker 1: categories of perfectionists that they have discovered observed, whatever world
Speaker 1: you'd like to use for it are socially or social
Speaker 1: prescribed perfectionists, other oriented perfectionists, and finally, self oriented perfectionist,
Speaker 1: so socially prescribed perfectionism. This occurs in which someone is
Speaker 1: incredibly self critical, They feel immense pressure to be the best,
Speaker 1: and they worry that others are going to reject them,
Speaker 1: particularly important respected people in their lives. I'm thinking parents,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking teachers. Normally, it's perceived external standards, such as
Speaker 1: academic expectations that can lead to this version of perfectionism
Speaker 1: and the accompanying low confidence and anxiety that we often
Speaker 1: associate with this characteristic perfectionists who are other oriented they
Speaker 1: hold others to particularly high standards. It is very hard
Speaker 1: to build relationships under these conditions, and it can be
Speaker 1: really detrimental for social well being because one slight imperfection
Speaker 1: in someone else that can cause this perfectionist this person
Speaker 1: to completely shut them out. So it's highly detrimental. And finally,
Speaker 1: we have the self oriented perfectionist. They are very organized,
Speaker 1: they are very conscientious, they are very type A. They
Speaker 1: set higher standards for themselves in their lives and their careers,
Speaker 1: but they are also able to go after their goals.
Speaker 1: So high self oriented perfectionism it's generally associated with the
Speaker 1: most adaptive t correlated with things like greater productivity, success, assertiveness,
Speaker 1: great focus. These people they show I guess, higher rates
Speaker 1: of the positive emotions and the motivation and the successes
Speaker 1: that we sometimes associate with perfectionism. Now, I don't personally
Speaker 1: believe there is a healthy version of perfectionism, but if
Speaker 1: there was to be one, it would be those who
Speaker 1: are self oriented. You know, their relationships are not under scrutiny.
Speaker 1: And most of the time, those who fall into this category,
Speaker 1: they're not behaving in a way that's looking to fulfill
Speaker 1: someone else's expectations but their own. However, there is a
Speaker 1: caveat because regardless of what category you sit in, you're
Speaker 1: still going to exhibit those core characteristics like a fear
Speaker 1: of failure, placing incredible pressure on yourself or others, and
Speaker 1: you're still at a risk of burnout and anxiety. So
Speaker 1: now that we have a grasp on the basics, what
Speaker 1: are the exact origins of perfectionism? Well, according to psychology,
Speaker 1: the major ones are societal or familial factors, including early
Speaker 1: childhood experiences that one always seems to be the corporate
Speaker 1: but also things like personality and self concept, and finally
Speaker 1: co morbid conditions like ADHD or OCD. First off, our upbringing,
Speaker 1: this is going to play a large role in whether
Speaker 1: you are someone who exhibits perfectionist traits or not, particularly
Speaker 1: if you had parents or caregivers who had really high
Speaker 1: standards for you, particularly academic standards. This has passed on
Speaker 1: to you as you learn to internalize their expectations, especially
Speaker 1: if their expectations were reinforced by punishment or variable reward,
Speaker 1: because their beliefs are being reinforced by something you're either
Speaker 1: wishing to avoid or wanting to obtain. We've spoken about
Speaker 1: this before, I think many times, but we know that
Speaker 1: young children, they have a really strong desire to please
Speaker 1: their caregivers, because they are the source of our security,
Speaker 1: the source of our support, and to an extent, our
Speaker 1: self esteem. It's all drawn from our parents, as Freud
Speaker 1: would say. And I think further to that children are
Speaker 1: incredibly vulnerable, and they're also learning the ways of the world,
Speaker 1: and their main point of reference on what is correct
Speaker 1: is from their parents. So if your parents convince you
Speaker 1: that perfectionism is what is expected, I have no other
Speaker 1: point of reference to either confirm or deny this standard.
Speaker 1: And if an adult tells a small child that they
Speaker 1: are a failure, that they're not working hard enough, they're
Speaker 1: not smart enough, they're not talented, that child will internalize
Speaker 1: this message and they will believe that it's true and
Speaker 1: continue to find evidence to support this point of view,
Speaker 1: and continue to try and also find a way to
Speaker 1: prove it wrong. It's this weird catch twenty two in
Speaker 1: which we still believe that we are failures, but we
Speaker 1: work so hard to prove ourselves wrong. An additional link
Speaker 1: is that perfectionism can also be learned by children who
Speaker 1: are growing up around really highly successful perfectionist parents. If
Speaker 1: your parent is an incredibly successful athlete, maybe they were
Speaker 1: really academically talented, and they tell you that they're a CEO,
Speaker 1: they're doing great thingsing we model this behavior and this expectation,
Speaker 1: and we implicitly look to be that way as well.
Speaker 1: Perfectionism is also encouraged when children are exclusively praised for
Speaker 1: their achievements rather than for their inherent value or their
Speaker 1: efforts or their progress. There is a scene in The Help.
Speaker 1: I know it's a strange caveat strange tangent, but there's
Speaker 1: this scene where abling Viola Davis's character tells this young
Speaker 1: girl that she is kind, that she is smart, that
Speaker 1: she is important. And those are incredibly powerful affirmations to
Speaker 1: tell a child, because they're about their core inherent value
Speaker 1: rather than about what they can achieve, rather than about
Speaker 1: their grades or how beautiful they are or how perfect
Speaker 1: they are. Our innate self concept and our personality is
Speaker 1: of course another factor personality. It's otherwise known as temperament,
Speaker 1: and it's something that we are born with, and perfectionism
Speaker 1: is after all a part of that, because it's a
Speaker 1: personality trait. Of course, there are environmental factors, but you
Speaker 1: would be surprised how much of it is contained in
Speaker 1: our DNA. It's the age old debate of nature versus nurture,
Speaker 1: and I think or when it comes to perfectionism, it
Speaker 1: really is a mix of both. Finally, we did discuss
Speaker 1: this before, but there are certain mental health conditions that
Speaker 1: have a really strong causal relationship with perfectionism, in particular
Speaker 1: OCD and ADHD. Perfectionism it's actually one of the most
Speaker 1: common cognitive distortions reported in adults with ADHD. So there
Speaker 1: have been studies that have shown a strong correlation between
Speaker 1: perfectionism and impulsivity, which is another symptom of ADHD, and
Speaker 1: together they form somewhat of a negative feedback loop in
Speaker 1: which someone with ADHD will set impossible standards, they will
Speaker 1: fail to meet them and make rass decisions out of frustration,
Speaker 1: and these decisions often further reinforce not only this pattern
Speaker 1: of behavior, but this idea that they're a failure, which
Speaker 1: is really sad. It's incredibly sad, but it shows how
Speaker 1: much of our brain really has something to do with this.
Speaker 1: I think the link between perfectionism and OCD is a
Speaker 1: little bit more obvious. Research has repeatedly shown that people
Speaker 1: with perfectionist tendencies are much more likely to have OCD,
Speaker 1: and the explanation that they give is that they're probably
Speaker 1: linked to an imbalance of certain chemicals or neurotransmitters in
Speaker 1: the brain, like dopamine and glutenmate, which is why our
Speaker 1: brain can't really regulate our behaviors and has all these
Speaker 1: weird structures around control and needing to control an outcome
Speaker 1: and needing the outcome to be perfect or to a
Speaker 1: certain standard. But I'm going to stop dilly dalling. What
Speaker 1: I really want to talk about now is how perfectionism
Speaker 1: and academic anxiety or performance interact. There have been so
Speaker 1: many studies on this. When I tell you that it's unbelievable,
Speaker 1: and it's even coined its own term. It's called academic perfectionism.
Speaker 1: One study via the National Institute of Health found that
Speaker 1: people with high perfectionistic worries experienced increased feelings of hopelessness
Speaker 1: and a lack of control in the face of their
Speaker 1: almost uncontrollable pursuit of perfectionism, resulting in paralysis and lower
Speaker 1: academic performance. Now, when I say paralysis, it's not that
Speaker 1: they were physically paralyzed. It's that their brain almost couldn't
Speaker 1: convince them to perform an activity unless they knew it
Speaker 1: was perfect. And that makes a lot of sense, right,
Speaker 1: If you are severely concerned with your performance, it makes
Speaker 1: it really hard to focus because nothing can be just
Speaker 1: good enough. Sometimes it needs to be good enough, but
Speaker 1: you won't allow yourself to do that. You need it
Speaker 1: to be perfect, which is quite frankly, I think impossible.
Speaker 1: So what happens is they find themselves completely stuck or
Speaker 1: redoing something over and over again until it reaches their standard,
Speaker 1: perhaps days after the you know, if it's an essay
Speaker 1: or if it's an activity or a task is even due.
Speaker 1: And it's been repeatedly acknowledged in a lot of literature
Speaker 1: of late that perfectism, particularly amongst fifteen to twenty four
Speaker 1: year olds, is on the rise. And what are most
Speaker 1: people doing between those ages, Well, they're studying. And I
Speaker 1: think this rise in academic perfectionism and anxiety really comes
Speaker 1: down to the immense amount of cultural and societal pressure
Speaker 1: that's been placed on us to be the best. You know,
Speaker 1: the world these days is so focused on competition and success,
Speaker 1: and that really fuels social comparison and the pursuit of
Speaker 1: perfect grades and academic achievement. And this has a lot
Speaker 1: of bleed on effects to young people, particularly when they're
Speaker 1: in their prime and formative years and also undertaking some
Speaker 1: form of study. If we are only looking at grades
Speaker 1: and grades alone, we might be confused into thinking that
Speaker 1: perfectionism is a positive quality, which we know it's we've
Speaker 1: debunked that already, but in some ways academic perfectionism it
Speaker 1: is positively correlated with academic performance, but it's also negatively
Speaker 1: correlated with overall wellbeing. So people with this quality, with
Speaker 1: this trait, they may be doing well on the outside,
Speaker 1: everything looks great, but internally the pressure they place on
Speaker 1: themselves is an immense burden that eats into their mental health,
Speaker 1: eats into their relationships, their free time, their overall well being.
Speaker 1: And what's really interesting about some of these studies is
Speaker 1: that most students who had perfectionism were actually telling the
Speaker 1: researchers that they were performing really poorly, or that they
Speaker 1: weren't getting good grades, or that they weren't academically gifted,
Speaker 1: when objectively they were. When they were asked to rate
Speaker 1: that quality or their performance themselves, they still didn't see
Speaker 1: them is good enough. And that's the catch twenty two
Speaker 1: of academic perfectionism and perfectionism in general, nothing is ever
Speaker 1: going to be good enough. Our status quo is to
Speaker 1: view ourselves by our failures. Now, I promised i'd talk
Speaker 1: about procrastination, because it is an essential component of perfectionism,
Speaker 1: especially as it relates to academic anxiety. Procrastination, really it's
Speaker 1: about putting things off, not because we're not capable, but
Speaker 1: because we don't feel mentally prepared to perform or complete
Speaker 1: the task. And what this sometimes comes down to is
Speaker 1: self criticism, and of course the main culprit perfectionism. We
Speaker 1: become overwhelmed by the idea that what we produce won't
Speaker 1: be perfect, and therefore we habitually avoid even starting it
Speaker 1: or doing it. The mentality is basically, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to do something unless it's perfect, so I cannot even start.
Speaker 1: And I remember a discussion I had with a friend
Speaker 1: of mine back when we were university together. She was
Speaker 1: one of these people who would leave essays to the
Speaker 1: last minute. She would always be requesting extensions. I'd sit
Speaker 1: down in the library with her for hours and then
Speaker 1: realized by the time we'd left that she hadn't even
Speaker 1: begun the essay we were planning to finish that day.
Speaker 1: And God love her. She is one of the sweetest
Speaker 1: people on this planet. But she said something to me
Speaker 1: that really made me rethink what I now know were
Speaker 1: her perfectionist tendencies, and that is that if she never tried,
Speaker 1: she couldn't fail. She was so absorbed in being perfect,
Speaker 1: and her self esteem was already weakened by this habit
Speaker 1: that she became paralyzed by her standards and she couldn't
Speaker 1: even attempt the thing that she was fearing. It's not
Speaker 1: just our grades and our academic performance where this is
Speaker 1: a problem, but a lot of other areas that are
Speaker 1: pertinent to our twenties, like applying for graduate jobs, making
Speaker 1: life choices such as or where to go to university,
Speaker 1: where to live, even super minor questions and decisions, because
Speaker 1: we get so caught up in this idea of this
Speaker 1: needs to be perfect, this needs to be the right decision.
Speaker 1: I cannot make a mistake, I cannot somehow put myself
Speaker 1: on a path towards failure. And when you are in
Speaker 1: this mentality, when you are stuck in a rut, it
Speaker 1: can be so crushing. The truth is you can never
Speaker 1: be perfect. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's just
Speaker 1: I guess reality and something I think we all learn
Speaker 1: as we get older. But how can we integrate this
Speaker 1: understanding into our everyday behavior and move past our perfectionist tendencies.
Speaker 1: It's not a death sentence, it's not a life center.
Speaker 1: There are things that we can do so all of
Speaker 1: that and more In just a second. I've said it once,
Speaker 1: I'm going to say it again. Life is not about
Speaker 1: being perfect, and if you go through life believing that
Speaker 1: it is, your happiness is always going to rest on
Speaker 1: your next failure. And I can assure you that there
Speaker 1: will be many, many in our twenties, many in our thirties,
Speaker 1: many in our entire lives. So we need to learn
Speaker 1: how to either live with that reality or manage our
Speaker 1: perfectionism in a sustainable manner, and I personally would choose
Speaker 1: the latter. There is a hard truth to swallow, though.
Speaker 1: This isn't going to be easy. If our assumptions about
Speaker 1: the origins of perfectionism are correct in that it is
Speaker 1: derived from our upbringing and internal, unconscious elements of our
Speaker 1: personality and character, these are hard things to change. You
Speaker 1: cannot go back to your childhood and change how your
Speaker 1: parents spoke to you. You cannot reach into your brain
Speaker 1: and rearrange what it looks like in there, but it's
Speaker 1: not impossible, and I do think the benefits definitely definitely
Speaker 1: outweigh the effort imagine what it's going to be like
Speaker 1: to do something and just be happy with it, rather
Speaker 1: than fighting the urge to repeatedly go back and fix
Speaker 1: things or stress for days about whether what you did
Speaker 1: was perfect. It's really liberating to let go of some
Speaker 1: of that anxiety and some of that stress. And there
Speaker 1: are a few incredible methods that I would personally use
Speaker 1: for this. I do use for this. I'm definitely someone
Speaker 1: with perfectionist tendencies even when making these episodes. I'm just
Speaker 1: going to break the fourth wall here, but I find
Speaker 1: it so hard to relinquish control. And if something isn't
Speaker 1: exactly how I want it to be, if someone says
Speaker 1: something about how my voice was annoying or I pronounced
Speaker 1: something wrong, I spend like days thinking over it and
Speaker 1: wanting to change like this one small thing that like
Speaker 1: either no one notices or like one to two people.
Speaker 1: But I think it got a lot easier for me
Speaker 1: when I realized that that it's just how my brain operates.
Speaker 1: But also that I can control my cognitions and my
Speaker 1: interpretation and my perspective of these events. A practice that
Speaker 1: I've adopted is the eighty twenty rule. Now I don't
Speaker 1: know where I heard this for the first time, but
Speaker 1: since hearing about it, it is a massive part of
Speaker 1: my life. And I googled it because I was like,
Speaker 1: is this a big thing that I just have never like,
Speaker 1: I've heard of it once and I've never gone back.
Speaker 1: But no. It actually typically refers to the idea that
Speaker 1: eighty percent of our results come from only twenty percent
Speaker 1: of our efforts. I think it's called like the Parado
Speaker 1: rule or something like that. But how I like to
Speaker 1: think of it is that an outcome in which eighty
Speaker 1: percent is perfect and the other twenty percent is okay
Speaker 1: or average is still a good outcome If it saves
Speaker 1: me time and it saves me anxiety. Striving for eighty
Speaker 1: percent on a test or getting eighty percent of your
Speaker 1: daily task done, it's better than zero percent. If we
Speaker 1: let ourselves be paralyzed and that other twenty percent is negligent,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. And I think this idea allows our
Speaker 1: brain to compromise with itself. We don't need to know
Speaker 1: entirely give up our standards. But when they are coming
Speaker 1: at the expense of important things in life, like balance,
Speaker 1: like friendship, and the time to actually enjoy the good,
Speaker 1: joyful things, we should be okay with adjusting our expectations slightly.
Speaker 1: So I always say to myself, eighty twenty rule, eighty
Speaker 1: twenty rule. It's okay if eighty percent of it is
Speaker 1: perfect and twenty percent of it is not exactly how
Speaker 1: you would like it, but it's still got done. Another
Speaker 1: defining feature of perfectionism, particularly when it comes to academic
Speaker 1: perfectionism and academic anxiety, is this unhealthy focus on our
Speaker 1: failures compared to our successes. This is what we call
Speaker 1: a compulsive preoccupation, and when we only think about the
Speaker 1: times that we haven't met alcohols or we have quote
Speaker 1: unquote failed, it can really lead to a distorted self image.
Speaker 1: A friend of mine told me about an incredible strategy
Speaker 1: the other day called grab the bullet visualization. I don't
Speaker 1: know if this is a real thing, but the way
Speaker 1: she explained it to me was so powerful that I
Speaker 1: had to share it. I was sitting down with her,
Speaker 1: I was just talking about something that happened was this
Speaker 1: tiny mistake, and I was obsessing over it. I had
Speaker 1: this compulsive preoccupation and I couldn't get over it. And
Speaker 1: she said to me, the idea that you need to
Speaker 1: think of the visualization that you need to have is
Speaker 1: that life is going to throw us a lot of
Speaker 1: obstacles or so called bullets, and bullets are fast, but
Speaker 1: when we slow down, we can effortlessly grab the bullet,
Speaker 1: grab the failure and throw it aside. Failure is the bullet.
Speaker 1: Slow down, take it in, learn the lesson, and imagine
Speaker 1: yourself picking this tiny bullet from the air, not letting
Speaker 1: it hit you, and throwing it away. You don't need
Speaker 1: to keep it. That's what we need to do with failure.
Speaker 1: Imagine yourself grabbing failure, in this case a bullet, so
Speaker 1: that we can visualize it in the air, examining it
Speaker 1: for a second, learning the lesson, and then being done
Speaker 1: with it. And visualization, not just this exercise, but many
Speaker 1: other types, is a fantastic psychological technique for refocusing our
Speaker 1: thoughts to be productive by imagining them in a new
Speaker 1: context or as manageable. So if you are a perfectionist,
Speaker 1: it can be really good to visualize your problem, especially
Speaker 1: as something that's a little bit ridiculous or imaginative. Positive
Speaker 1: self talk is also such an important part of our toolkit,
Speaker 1: and this really goes for everyone, even those who aren't
Speaker 1: struggling with perfectionism or academic anxiety. It's essential, i think,
Speaker 1: for successfully managing failure and minimizing the impact that our
Speaker 1: unattainable standards have on our self respect, have on our
Speaker 1: self esteem, have on our wellbeing. We are no strangers
Speaker 1: to this idea on the podcast we talked about it recently,
Speaker 1: actually in our episode on the psychology of Lucky Girl syndrome.
Speaker 1: If you listen to that, you'll be familiar. But positive
Speaker 1: self talk it comes from this discipline subdiscipline of psychology
Speaker 1: called positive psychology, and it involves cultivating an internal dialogue
Speaker 1: that makes you feel good about yourself, using phrases like
Speaker 1: I am more than my accomplishments, I am an interesting person,
Speaker 1: I am valuable, I am confident my future is not
Speaker 1: defined by my failures. And treating these mantras that you
Speaker 1: repeat every day or when you know when things get
Speaker 1: tough or you face a setback can be life changing.
Speaker 1: Remember the way that we speak to ourselves will impact
Speaker 1: our behavior and will impact our perspective. I think it
Speaker 1: also goes without saying this is a psychology podcast, after all,
Speaker 1: But therapy can do wonders, especially if you get a
Speaker 1: psychologist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy otherwise known as CBT.
Speaker 1: Perfectionism is, after all, a thought pattern. It's a trait
Speaker 1: that in influences our behaviors, our thought patterns, and therefore
Speaker 1: how we view our problems and our failures and our successes.
Speaker 1: But if you go back to the root cause, that
Speaker 1: being our cognitions, and alter it to something more positive,
Speaker 1: the flow on effects can be really powerful. So the
Speaker 1: whole premise of CBT is that our behaviors influenced by
Speaker 1: our thoughts. If we change our thoughts, if we break
Speaker 1: them down, if we rationalize them, then our behavior will
Speaker 1: change and we will get the positive outcomes that we want.
Speaker 1: So I would really recommend it, especially if you are
Speaker 1: a perfectionist who is particularly worried about academic anxiety or
Speaker 1: anxiety really in any part of your life. Try and
Speaker 1: find a therapist who specializes in CBT. It will take time,
Speaker 1: but like I said before, you will begin to feel
Speaker 1: so liberated these problems will not be problems for you anymore.
Speaker 1: You won't feel that pressure to be perfect, and I
Speaker 1: think the world just becomes a lot more enjoyable. Here
Speaker 1: is your final reminder of the day. You do not
Speaker 1: need to be perfect. We are facing this changing society
Speaker 1: in which everyone is so concerned with success, with wealth,
Speaker 1: with perfect grades, with impressive resumes, and it doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be that way. You're allowed to sometimes fail. Nothing
Speaker 1: in life is perfect. Love isn't perfect. Nature isn't perfect,
Speaker 1: music isn't perfect, Art isn't perfect. And you are just
Speaker 1: as beautiful and complex as those things. So you're allowed
Speaker 1: to have some flaws. It just brings texture to your life.
Speaker 1: It makes us much more interesting. I think also mistakes
Speaker 1: and failures and flaws they build character. They teach us
Speaker 1: incredible lessons. And it's about really thinking about is my
Speaker 1: life life worth completely killing myself for an academic outcome,
Speaker 1: for a particular grade, for something to be flawless. I
Speaker 1: don't think it is. Life is not made up of
Speaker 1: those things, you know, especially if you're someone in university
Speaker 1: or even high school right now. I know there's a
Speaker 1: lot of people under the age of twenty who listen
Speaker 1: to this. I promise you that your grades are not
Speaker 1: going to matter in five years, probably not even two.
Speaker 1: Like I do not remember what I got on any
Speaker 1: of my courses when I was at university. I don't remember,
Speaker 1: you know, a test result that was only worth twenty
Speaker 1: percent of one of my subjects. Like those things don't
Speaker 1: matter to me anymore when I think back to that time.
Speaker 1: What I do remember is the amazing friends that I met.
Speaker 1: I do remember all the cool opportunities that I had
Speaker 1: to do, exciting things to do, things that had nothing
Speaker 1: to do with academic results. And I do just think
Speaker 1: that's a worthwhile remind us sometimes we need to hear it.
Speaker 1: I know that if you are a perfectionist, it's a
Speaker 1: lot harder because it can be so innate. But I
Speaker 1: would really encourage you to think about some of the
Speaker 1: other options, think about how you can overcome this obstacle
Speaker 1: and view life as imperfect. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I
Speaker 1: hope you learned something. For all of my people out
Speaker 1: there who are currently still in UNI, still in school,
Speaker 1: still slugging your way, big congratulations. I do not think
Speaker 1: I could go back and do another exam or write
Speaker 1: another essay, it would just be oh my god awful. So,
Speaker 1: especially if you're dealing with a bit of academic anxiety,
Speaker 1: hopefully this provided you with an explanation as to why
Speaker 1: and some of the next steps, or if you are
Speaker 1: procrastinating a lot. Perfectionism is one explanation, so I hope
Speaker 1: it can. I gave you something to think about. I
Speaker 1: really enjoyed making this episode. If there is a particular
Speaker 1: subject or idea or topic that you would like me
Speaker 1: to cover, please follow me at that Psychology podcast on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I love taking episode suggestions. I love when you guys
Speaker 1: do my job for me and give me my ideas,
Speaker 1: So please follow me over there. If you would like
Speaker 1: to do so, send me a message. I would love
Speaker 1: to hear from you. And as always, if you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode, if you think that you have a friend,
Speaker 1: or a family member, or a work colleague, anyone in
Speaker 1: your life who needs to hear this, share it with them.
Speaker 1: You could change their day, you could change their month,
Speaker 1: you could change their life. Maybe not, but share it
Speaker 1: along and as always, if you feel cold to do so,
Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever
Speaker 1: you're listening right now. It helps the show to grow,
Speaker 1: it helps to reach new people, and it also just
Speaker 1: makes my day. Make me so happy to hear your
Speaker 1: incredibly positive reviews. I do read them all, and sometimes
Speaker 1: I get a little bit tiary. So if you want
Speaker 1: to see me cry, that's the easiest way to do so.
Speaker 1: As always, we will be back on Friday for another episode.
Speaker 1: See you then.