Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapot with Teddy Cabinet. Okay, guys, it
Speaker 1: is officially Valentine's Day week, No pressure, Edwin. Hello. But
Speaker 1: I feel like last week we got so much good information,
Speaker 1: but we only scratched the surface. I want to get
Speaker 1: more info. I want to give helpful tools for all
Speaker 1: of us. So we are bringing on Dr Vivianna Coles.
Speaker 1: She's unmarried at First Sight, which airs Wednesdays on Lifetime.
Speaker 1: She's a certified sex therapist and I cannot wait. Hi,
Speaker 1: Dr viv Hi, Welcome to Teddy Tea Pod. Thanks so
Speaker 1: much for coming on this week. Well, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for having me. So here's where we are struggling.
Speaker 1: So last week we had on some amazing guests that
Speaker 1: helped us talk about communication when it comes to intimacy
Speaker 1: and sex. But I want more tools, Like I want actual,
Speaker 1: like tangible things for myself and listeners to be able
Speaker 1: to go and do, because yes I do. Now we
Speaker 1: know like the things that need to be communicated about
Speaker 1: and not pushed under the rug and those types of things,
Speaker 1: but how do you bring up that communication even to start? So,
Speaker 1: I mean that's kind of where we are. So we're
Speaker 1: we're digging in deep now and we're bringing you in.
Speaker 1: And for those of you guys who want to know
Speaker 1: more about Dr Viv, she's on Married at First Sight.
Speaker 1: It airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She is um a certified
Speaker 1: sex therapist and works in marriage and family therapy. And
Speaker 1: we are so excited to have you on today. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. I'm really excited to give you those tools. Yeah,
Speaker 1: all right, I'm gonna just kind of like dig right
Speaker 1: into it, um. I think the first thing is when
Speaker 1: you are in a sex rut, whether it's post kids
Speaker 1: or not, and you need to have that communication with
Speaker 1: your husband, for too much time passes and it's like
Speaker 1: you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, what do you do? What
Speaker 1: do you say? Well, first and foremost, you have to
Speaker 1: be willing to either be the person who's going to
Speaker 1: hold that torch for you as a couple or recognize
Speaker 1: that you are not going to be that person, because
Speaker 1: what happens is a lot of times you're thinking, well,
Speaker 1: I'm feeling this way, I wonder if he's feeling this way. Well,
Speaker 1: of course he's feeling this way, because if I'm feeling
Speaker 1: this way, and then you go back and forth, back
Speaker 1: and forth. Okay, let's just both assume that the issue
Speaker 1: is there, and now who is going to be the
Speaker 1: one to say, let's do something about it. I'm a
Speaker 1: big proponent of the person who thinks about it. Let's
Speaker 1: just say that you think it. You have to say something.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get credit for it, even if you don't
Speaker 1: know what the next steps are. You're being a good spouse,
Speaker 1: You're being a good partner by being the person who
Speaker 1: brings it up. And you can even say, hey, I've
Speaker 1: noticed this. Is this something you've noticed, even if you
Speaker 1: haven't noticed I have, I don't know what to do
Speaker 1: about it? And you can kind of give them that
Speaker 1: look like like I'm clueless, what do we do? Because
Speaker 1: that I'm clueless what do we do? Means I care
Speaker 1: about this? And with most men, I'm I'm a married wife,
Speaker 1: um to a man. With most men, what I've noticed
Speaker 1: is they don't expect you to have all the answers.
Speaker 1: They don't expect you to be able to say and
Speaker 1: this is my power point on how we're going to
Speaker 1: fix this. But what they do want is for you
Speaker 1: to care that it's happening, right, I mean, because Oftentimes
Speaker 1: you'll hear something he's saying, something like, you know, it's
Speaker 1: now been three months since I've had sex with my partner,
Speaker 1: and now we're in a situation where like it's uncomfortable
Speaker 1: to even talk about it. Yes, it gets so awkward. Um,
Speaker 1: it's funny because I created an intimacy reconnection program, uh,
Speaker 1: based off of the fact that people get to a
Speaker 1: place where it's awkward, and you would think it was
Speaker 1: like a barbed wired, electrified fence that they just can't
Speaker 1: pass through. They don't even know how to how to
Speaker 1: get there. Um. You would think, you know, people who
Speaker 1: have been together for twenty years, ten years however long,
Speaker 1: who've built businesses together, who have built homes together, who
Speaker 1: have children together, would not let something like awkwardness make
Speaker 1: them freeze. But it absolutely does. And what I would
Speaker 1: say to all of you who are feeling like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just so awkward to even get there, really hone
Speaker 1: in on what it is that's behind the awkwardness. Is
Speaker 1: it that you're concerned that the first time after a
Speaker 1: very long time is going to be painful, scary? Um,
Speaker 1: not good? Is there going to be judgment? Are you
Speaker 1: self conscious? Or is it that you're thinking, well, we
Speaker 1: haven't really figured out why we haven't had sex in
Speaker 1: three months, three years. I've had clients who haven't had
Speaker 1: sex in eight years. Um, you know, why is it
Speaker 1: that that hasn't happened. If it's just a matter like
Speaker 1: if you can go back and say, Okay, well it
Speaker 1: didn't happen during this month because of this or this week,
Speaker 1: and it didn't happen during this month, there is if
Speaker 1: you can go back and say, I have an understanding
Speaker 1: as to why, and it isn't It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: do with the fact that we have lost feelings for
Speaker 1: each other. It's more like you're out of town, I
Speaker 1: was sick, your mom came in the town, it was
Speaker 1: a holiday. Like, if you can go back and say
Speaker 1: it has it was external forces that kept us from
Speaker 1: being able to go into, you know, kind of our sexuality,
Speaker 1: then then that's one thing. And that's actually a fairly
Speaker 1: easier conversation to have. But if it's because you just
Speaker 1: don't have those feelings for each other and you're worried
Speaker 1: about bringing it up because it's all of a sudden
Speaker 1: going to put your relationships onto the microscope and under
Speaker 1: the spotlight. That's where I would say, get some help.
Speaker 1: I'm a license married and family therapist, so I deal
Speaker 1: with this day in and day out. Get help, reach out,
Speaker 1: have somebody there to help you navigate that conversation. It
Speaker 1: does not have to spell the end of the relationship.
Speaker 1: A lot of people think going to therapy is like
Speaker 1: the last ditch effort. It totally is not. It can
Speaker 1: be something that you do, you know, just like maintenance.
Speaker 1: You know, we we go to the doctor, we go
Speaker 1: to the uh, we go get our oil changes, we
Speaker 1: do all sorts of stuff. This can just be part
Speaker 1: of maintenance. Now, obviously, if you haven't had you know,
Speaker 1: any sort of healthy sexuality or fun or satisfying sexuality
Speaker 1: in a while, it's not going to be an easy conversation,
Speaker 1: but it can definitely come back. What if you go to,
Speaker 1: you know, have sex with your partner and like he
Speaker 1: can't get it up. Do you take it personally? And
Speaker 1: this is a new problem, Like, I know, if that
Speaker 1: happened to me, like my mind would start racing and
Speaker 1: I would go to all these reasons why it happened.
Speaker 1: But like, what if that is something that happens and
Speaker 1: it's not a physical problem that has ever come up before.
Speaker 1: A lot of that has to do with with you
Speaker 1: remembering that your partner, especially a male, they're not robots.
Speaker 1: They don't. It's not like you turn on a switch
Speaker 1: and everything works perfectly. They too have hormones that are
Speaker 1: a part of it. They too have stressed channels that
Speaker 1: can take and zap energy from their genitals. I mean,
Speaker 1: this is they you, you married or are dating a
Speaker 1: real person, and we women at times can forget just
Speaker 1: how much our brains and our bodies are affected by
Speaker 1: external factors. He may think you are the most gorgeous,
Speaker 1: wonderful person, but if he's not feeling well, or if
Speaker 1: he has a lot of stress, his body is going
Speaker 1: to respond. Now that can be something that would keep
Speaker 1: him from initiating after a while, like, oh no, what
Speaker 1: if it. You know, the last time that we tried,
Speaker 1: I wasn't nearly as hard as I wanted to be,
Speaker 1: And I know that she noticed and this and that.
Speaker 1: Well again, if you're planning on being with someone in
Speaker 1: the long term who has a human body, you'll have
Speaker 1: to navigate these conversations together and can't the same thing
Speaker 1: go for if you're having sex with your husband and
Speaker 1: like you fake an orgasm and they know it similar,
Speaker 1: very similar. You know, I'm not a huge fan of
Speaker 1: of faking it. I think that pleasure can happen in
Speaker 1: a continuum and it doesn't have to be like all
Speaker 1: arn nothing, And especially because you know, studies have shown
Speaker 1: that women experience the peak of pleasure prior to an orgasm,
Speaker 1: not at the orgasm. So we don't have to experience
Speaker 1: orgasm in order to really enjoy a sexual experience. But
Speaker 1: we expect men to function in this very linear, robotic,
Speaker 1: predictable way, and they are true, they are humans. We
Speaker 1: need to remember that. Um for let's say they're the
Speaker 1: man who's concerned that that's going to happen, or or
Speaker 1: his wife was concerned that that's going to happen. What
Speaker 1: if I want to have a conversation ahead of time
Speaker 1: that says, hey, I want to play around tonight after
Speaker 1: or a date night, but let's not plan on having intercourse,
Speaker 1: and let's just see how things go, and maybe tomorrow
Speaker 1: we'll plan for intercourse. But let's just take that pressure off,
Speaker 1: take the pressure off, experience just the you know, the
Speaker 1: intimacy of being maked together, cuddling together, showering together, massaging
Speaker 1: one another, making out. When was the last time you
Speaker 1: made out with your husband? Like, come on, like I'm
Speaker 1: making I'm like how many seconds? Start getting? Um? I
Speaker 1: mean also just you know on like thirties, six and
Speaker 1: a half weeks pregnant right now, I'm like, I am
Speaker 1: a real sexual being right now. Um. Do you think
Speaker 1: that climaxing is more mental or physical? Well, that that's
Speaker 1: that's an amazing question. I think for sure what we
Speaker 1: envision a climax to be is physical. But the people
Speaker 1: who enjoy sex and sexuality more than anyone are the
Speaker 1: people who experience it in their in their psychology and
Speaker 1: their emotions. UM. Pleasure is something that is so subjective,
Speaker 1: and when we try to really tie it in with
Speaker 1: our physicality, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment because again,
Speaker 1: we age our bodies develop, they tend to decline. Functioning,
Speaker 1: especially sexual functioning, changes on the regular. UM. So I
Speaker 1: would love where people to start to see it as
Speaker 1: more as something that exists within their emotional selves, their
Speaker 1: psychological selves, But that isn't typically the case, and so
Speaker 1: we're putting ourselves up against other frameworks that are, hey,
Speaker 1: this is what your body should be experiencing. This is
Speaker 1: what you know sexuality should feel like. Um, you're so different.
Speaker 1: There's just no way to have that framework exists across cultures,
Speaker 1: across ages, across you know, experiences. How do you get
Speaker 1: your libido up if you you know, maybe it is
Speaker 1: because of menopause, or maybe it is because you've just
Speaker 1: had a baby, or maybe it's just because you're tired.
Speaker 1: How do you actually change that and change the way
Speaker 1: that you're feeling like? I mean, knowing that you should
Speaker 1: isn't really enough. It's all about practice. I'm a big
Speaker 1: fan of solo sex. I think that having your self awareness, um,
Speaker 1: and through through that self exploration, through that self awareness
Speaker 1: that we do when we're on our own, uh and
Speaker 1: without anyone else there to see, that's where we start
Speaker 1: to get really comfortable and we experience sexual confidence. And
Speaker 1: when that happens, you can start to really look forward
Speaker 1: to the pleasure that comes from experiencing fantasies in your head, um,
Speaker 1: the pleasure of sexy touch on your body, all of that.
Speaker 1: But what happens is for a lot of women, they're
Speaker 1: not socialized to have that healthy self touch from an
Speaker 1: early age. It doesn't happen until you know, more like
Speaker 1: college age or even beyond their thirties, and they experience
Speaker 1: it with someone else, Well, he doesn't tend to know
Speaker 1: what is going to really do things for you. So
Speaker 1: it's it's kind of the blind wading the blind. But
Speaker 1: how do you get more comfy doing that? Like, if
Speaker 1: you haven't and if it's always been this forbidden thing
Speaker 1: that you shouldn't be doing, how do you start to
Speaker 1: learn about it and start to find ways to get
Speaker 1: yourself to even be to not look at it in
Speaker 1: that way. So let's start with your with your mind. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm a again, I'm a big fan of encouraging people
Speaker 1: to find some sort of sexy erotic literature. It can
Speaker 1: be something that you get on your kindle, it can
Speaker 1: be something that you buy on the you know, the
Speaker 1: convenience store. Shall those are all sexy and just pick
Speaker 1: up one and see what happens? What sensations you feel
Speaker 1: in your body, what scenarios tend to create an arousal
Speaker 1: response versus what scenarios tend to turn you off, and
Speaker 1: just start learning from that. What I have found is
Speaker 1: that with a lot of women, because we we tend
Speaker 1: to be visually critical. Going straight into visual pornography or
Speaker 1: looking at erotic graphic pictures doesn't tend to go as
Speaker 1: nicely or positively as if we were to just have
Speaker 1: a storyline that we can then picture what we want.
Speaker 1: We can picture the people in it that we like,
Speaker 1: the scenarios, the place is the clothing, things that are
Speaker 1: appealing to us. Um so it tends to go more
Speaker 1: positively that way. And then when you notice the sensations
Speaker 1: in your body, I want you to take note of that,
Speaker 1: write it down. This was a sexy scenario, this would
Speaker 1: have been SEXI or if it was like this. And
Speaker 1: what I have found is that when women start to
Speaker 1: experience that warmth, that arousal response within their bodies, they
Speaker 1: can kind of see like, oh I can I can
Speaker 1: feel my body and gorging. I can feel you know,
Speaker 1: mi pre tourists like starting to really get aroused. And
Speaker 1: then you can start to understand what it's like to touch.
Speaker 1: And that's just It can be over the underwear, it
Speaker 1: can be in the shower, it can be as you're washing.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be anything like super erotic and
Speaker 1: as big to do, but it can be. You can
Speaker 1: also really woo yourself. I try to explain to both
Speaker 1: men and women in my office. I think it's really
Speaker 1: important that you make it something that you're comfortable with.
Speaker 1: And if showering beforehand is comfy, you know, lighting a candle,
Speaker 1: having a little drink of wine, you know, woo yourself.
Speaker 1: Make it something where you're relaxed versus something that you're
Speaker 1: checking off the box. But does it ever happen where
Speaker 1: somebody's like, wow, I would get so good out of myself.
Speaker 1: What's the point of bringing him along? Typically not? Typically not,
Speaker 1: I've heard what did somebody say that to me before? Like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I'll have sex with my husband once every
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, throw them a bone. But like, truthfully,
Speaker 1: it ain't that good anyway. So you know, it's if
Speaker 1: it's if it's not that good, then you need to
Speaker 1: address that. That's part of the work of being in
Speaker 1: a long term committed relationship is not letting something like
Speaker 1: that just go. If she's saying our sex life isn't
Speaker 1: that great, I hear, and what are you going to
Speaker 1: do about that? That's not a that's not a death sentence,
Speaker 1: you know, like she should be thinking, wow, I'm so
Speaker 1: glad that I've really figured out how to um have
Speaker 1: that pholo sex experience that is satisfying and it really
Speaker 1: like eases my my sexual tension. But I would also
Speaker 1: like for her to experience that with her partner, and
Speaker 1: she's so can there. I mean, there are so many
Speaker 1: ways to experience sexual pleasure with someone else. If she's
Speaker 1: written that off, that maybe more of a sign of
Speaker 1: a relationship issue not so much a sexual issue. And
Speaker 1: that same note, I know there are certain times where
Speaker 1: like when it comes to even like sex with my husband,
Speaker 1: and at the beginning, I will think maybe I don't
Speaker 1: want to I'm not in the mood for this, but
Speaker 1: then you know, you start and then it happens. But
Speaker 1: is there a way that you can kind of work
Speaker 1: yourself into wanting to be in the mood, like, you know,
Speaker 1: in a moment's notice versus that first moment like man,
Speaker 1: not tonight. You know, how do you kind of start
Speaker 1: tricking or it's not tricking, but how do you start
Speaker 1: changing your perspective div so that it's something you look
Speaker 1: forward to and not something that you know you know
Speaker 1: you need to do to create intimacy. So I think
Speaker 1: that spontaneity is overrated in long term relationships. I think
Speaker 1: it's not something that we can count on happening. We
Speaker 1: can hope it happens. Um like the stars aligning. That's great,
Speaker 1: But most of the time, again, part of the work
Speaker 1: of being in a long term sexually satisfying relationship is
Speaker 1: always being prepared. And now what that might mean for
Speaker 1: a lot of women is making sure that they feel
Speaker 1: comfortable in their bodies. And that may or may not
Speaker 1: include certain hygiene or grooming um that may include working
Speaker 1: out a certain way or wearing something, but do something
Speaker 1: on the regular that helps you to feel like you
Speaker 1: could be receptive if your partner or if that situation
Speaker 1: would arise now and a lot of women will say, oh,
Speaker 1: it's just you know, then we have to do this,
Speaker 1: and then it takes this long, and I have to
Speaker 1: do that, and then to shower after, and what about
Speaker 1: the kids and this and that, And that's where I
Speaker 1: think that scheduling comes in. I get a lot of
Speaker 1: groans from people, and I'm like, well, if you can
Speaker 1: just focus on having frequent, spontaneous sex and that's a
Speaker 1: luxury you have awesome. But for most people, we have
Speaker 1: to plan these things out and that might mean carving
Speaker 1: out an hour once a week, twice a week, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe on a weekend where you just know, hey, we
Speaker 1: both need to be thinking sexy thoughts, we both need
Speaker 1: to not pick fights, we both need to take our
Speaker 1: acid rebux medicine or whatever it is. I love that
Speaker 1: you were validating the scheduling sex thing. It's something I've
Speaker 1: talked about before because I truly think it's like helped
Speaker 1: our marriage and our sex life where we're not putting
Speaker 1: it in a calendar, but we're kind of putting it
Speaker 1: out there that this is the plan, the general planning
Speaker 1: of when it's going to happen, and and then both
Speaker 1: of our expectations are met and we're excited, and it's
Speaker 1: just a different way versus you know, somebody may just
Speaker 1: have had a bad day and they want to come
Speaker 1: home and have sex to make themselves feel better, and
Speaker 1: the other person is already half asleep or watching the
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift Doctor documentary and the Moon. You know. Like
Speaker 1: the other thing about scheduling it is that it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be on like you said, like a shared calendar.
Speaker 1: But if it's something that, let's say, for you or
Speaker 1: for me, it helps to know. Oh, yeah, I need
Speaker 1: to make sure that I am, you know, getting the
Speaker 1: kids to bed by a certain time on this night.
Speaker 1: That's something that's going on in my head, and I'm
Speaker 1: starting to prepare myself for it. The other thing is
Speaker 1: that if it is something that's expected and scheduled, you
Speaker 1: can then have a conversation about why it may not happen. Oh, honey,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm sorry, but it's going to be guys
Speaker 1: night this night, or it's gonna be girls night. Can
Speaker 1: we you know, get a rain check and change it
Speaker 1: for the next night. What matters in the long term
Speaker 1: or relationship for most people is that you're on the
Speaker 1: same page about why it is happening or why it
Speaker 1: is not happening. What if one person is feeling sexually
Speaker 1: satisfied but the other person isn't. How do you communicate
Speaker 1: that with your partner without being, you know, hurting their feelings.
Speaker 1: I think what you're what you're alluding to, maybe when
Speaker 1: somebody feels like it feels good and the other person doesn't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: or if somebody is happy with the way things are
Speaker 1: and you you may have talked this is a question
Speaker 1: from somebody else, So I'm just trying to assume. But
Speaker 1: I think what they were implying it was a longer
Speaker 1: question prior, but that their husband seems to be happy
Speaker 1: with their sex life because they have enough sex a
Speaker 1: week and blah blah blah, and it's kind of like
Speaker 1: checking something off a list, but they're their intimacy needs
Speaker 1: maybe aren't being met, and how do they then share
Speaker 1: that with their husband without kind of pointing fingers? So
Speaker 1: I again, there are certain things that we can just
Speaker 1: do if you're in a long term relationship that um
Speaker 1: make things so much easier. And that's have a Friday
Speaker 1: lunch meeting, you know, maybe once a week, maybe once
Speaker 1: a month, where you share what you think is going
Speaker 1: well in your life, your lives together, and that should
Speaker 1: always include your intimate physical sex life. Hey, this is
Speaker 1: what I really like. I like that, you know, on
Speaker 1: those days we seem to have kind of more of
Speaker 1: a sex fed vibe between us. What do you like
Speaker 1: about it? Oh? I just like that you know we're
Speaker 1: having sex more than anybody else I know. Okay, what
Speaker 1: would you like to do? And then it's almost like
Speaker 1: if you have these questions that you're both ready or
Speaker 1: expecting to answer that's when some of the issues can
Speaker 1: come out. And but you always want to phrase it
Speaker 1: in terms of what I would like to have more of,
Speaker 1: or things would be even better if we did more
Speaker 1: of this, or I like this. Um, you don't want
Speaker 1: to really go into the whole. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: like this and I don't want this, or we need
Speaker 1: to stop doing that. It be be more positive in
Speaker 1: the way that you that you couch it. So, for instance,
Speaker 1: this person could say, I really like that we always
Speaker 1: prioritize this on such and such dates. Um, something that
Speaker 1: I would like to do more of is maybe spend
Speaker 1: a little bit more time in finding out what feels
Speaker 1: really good for both you and for me. The next
Speaker 1: time that we're in the bedroom, I'd like to give
Speaker 1: it a little bit more time to explore and and
Speaker 1: just start. They're like, that's not You're not saying that
Speaker 1: you want anything in particular. You're not saying that you
Speaker 1: don't like something. You're just saying I want more time.
Speaker 1: And then she can maybe lead um that at least
Speaker 1: in that experience what it is that she wants to
Speaker 1: experience more pleasure in, Because there's got to be something
Speaker 1: that's saying that it puts it in a positive versus
Speaker 1: a negative of and you know, you can kind of
Speaker 1: go from there. It's not as critical. It's not like
Speaker 1: a wet blanket. Oh, by the way, I hate our
Speaker 1: sex lives. We need to redo everything. Or it can
Speaker 1: also be a wet blanket to say, hey, I know
Speaker 1: we haven't talked about this in ages, but I made
Speaker 1: us an appointment with a sex therapist like that that
Speaker 1: kind of look, it's a little bit of pressure. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So these are more like direct sex or you know,
Speaker 1: questions on how to handle something so polite ways to
Speaker 1: tell your partner that they are unattracted to your smell
Speaker 1: or that you're not taking care of yourself or any
Speaker 1: of those types of things. Because I can't tell you
Speaker 1: how many people had questions on that, like how do
Speaker 1: I tell my wife that she needs to take care
Speaker 1: of herself down there if she wants me to take
Speaker 1: care of her down there? Or how do I tell
Speaker 1: my husband that I don't mind going down on him,
Speaker 1: but I only like doing it after he gets out
Speaker 1: of the shower. Right. Oh my gosh, Teddy, I have
Speaker 1: like the perfect case study for you. This is this
Speaker 1: is something that even stuck to me, which after I've
Speaker 1: been in practice since like two thousand three. I was
Speaker 1: shocked because I had this couple that came in and
Speaker 1: they were seeming me doing really well with their relationship,
Speaker 1: but that their stufs like just wasn't clicking. And she
Speaker 1: kept saying, you know, I just think it's unfair that,
Speaker 1: you know, I am always willing to go down on him,
Speaker 1: but he doesn't ever go down on me. And I
Speaker 1: said okay, and I wanted to talk to him separately
Speaker 1: about it and what's going on, and she was like,
Speaker 1: I just I don't understand that, Like we got along
Speaker 1: so well and he's so welcoming and he seems so um.
Speaker 1: He seems to praise me all the time about my
Speaker 1: body and this ma, but I just don't get it. It
Speaker 1: It makes me feel bad. So I get him alone,
Speaker 1: as I tend to do. I seem to do both
Speaker 1: couples and individual sessions. Um. And he says, my wife
Speaker 1: works out three or four times a week and showers
Speaker 1: maybe once m and I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you mean, like she doesn't wash her hair but once
Speaker 1: She's like, no, she does not shower work except for
Speaker 1: maybe once and I said, have you ever shared with
Speaker 1: her that you would like for her to shower more?
Speaker 1: And he said, well, the one time that I brought
Speaker 1: it up, she said it was bad for her skin,
Speaker 1: and that you know that that's not fair that she
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to, you know, have dry skin because he
Speaker 1: wants her to shower more. I I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: all right, now, I know that that that that I
Speaker 1: also have to question myself. Well, okay, I'm the kind
Speaker 1: of person who washes my hair every single day because
Speaker 1: if I sweat, I'm going to wash everything. But that's
Speaker 1: not how everybody is. So I know that I have
Speaker 1: to say, okay, well let me let me talk to
Speaker 1: her now to figure out what it is that's going
Speaker 1: on with her, because I certainly don't want to, you know,
Speaker 1: push my own ideas about what cleanliness should be like.
Speaker 1: So I talked to her about it and I said,
Speaker 1: you know, um our genitals and I had to kind
Speaker 1: of explain, like our genitals they have like the self
Speaker 1: cleaning mechanism as women, but if you're working out as
Speaker 1: much as you do, you are creating more oils, you're
Speaker 1: creating sweat, and if you have hair, it gets the
Speaker 1: smells get trapped in there and it can be very musty.
Speaker 1: And so I just thought out told her as this
Speaker 1: quote unquote sex expert, are going to have a man's
Speaker 1: mouth on your genitalia on your bulba, you are going
Speaker 1: to have to clean it and and you know what
Speaker 1: you said, Oh I can do that. Well that makes sense.
Speaker 1: I'm a little a sudden, got a little shit tongue
Speaker 1: tied on that one. No, but it's true. I get,
Speaker 1: I mean, this happened, you know, it's I guess I'm
Speaker 1: in a personal share for a second. But when I
Speaker 1: was pregnant with my first child, um, my husband was
Speaker 1: constantly paranoid that he was going to touch the baby
Speaker 1: while we were having sex. Why yeah, And I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, you're good, you know. But it took
Speaker 1: us actually going to my O B G Y N
Speaker 1: and saying like, hey, can you please tell Edwin that
Speaker 1: this is completely safe and you know, and and then
Speaker 1: everything kind of shifted. But because you know, there's just
Speaker 1: so many factors, like then I was put on bed
Speaker 1: rest and all of these things happened that like can
Speaker 1: keep triggering these worries like if you're spotting or if
Speaker 1: this happens or um, and you know kind of in
Speaker 1: this pregnancy. You know, I've been very lucky that I
Speaker 1: haven't been on better rest and spotting all these constant things.
Speaker 1: But like we had to like have that conversation again
Speaker 1: with the doctor. It was like Dr Goldberg, can you
Speaker 1: please explain Lane that everything safe, everything's good, and now
Speaker 1: it's been great. But without that knowledge, it's in the
Speaker 1: back of his head or even during he'd be like
Speaker 1: is this okay? Do you think this is fine? I
Speaker 1: did my doctoral project on maintaining sexual intimacy during pregnancy,
Speaker 1: so I actually had to creative video that had like
Speaker 1: all the diagrams of showing like Okay, this is your
Speaker 1: penis and this is all the space in between, um.
Speaker 1: And even then some men would still come out of
Speaker 1: my project like but but but really, really, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you're not that long and even if you were here,
Speaker 1: there's lots of protection there. Um. But it's But it's
Speaker 1: interesting because even with kind of sharing with with this
Speaker 1: one client in particular, hey, you know, I think you'll
Speaker 1: need to wash in order to make everything go better.
Speaker 1: It wasn't that I wanted her to be ashamed of
Speaker 1: her smell. It was that I wanted her to be
Speaker 1: O where of that and aware of his preferences, and
Speaker 1: wasn't that way whenever she was making a choice. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to shower tonight. She also didn't feel
Speaker 1: blindsided by the fact that he wasn't going to be
Speaker 1: maybe as enthusiastic about going down on her that night.
Speaker 1: I'm curious, did you change? Did you shirt showering change? Here?
Speaker 1: Did success? So? Oh my gosh, we have to take
Speaker 1: a little break. Can I Can I get you right
Speaker 1: back in in a couple of minutes to ask a
Speaker 1: couple ask questions? Of course? All right, we're back. I
Speaker 1: know we're running out of time. Of course I have
Speaker 1: like a million more questions to ask you, but let's
Speaker 1: just do a couple more. Um, the first one is
Speaker 1: my husband, not me personally. Sorry, UM, somebody's asking me
Speaker 1: their husband consistently wants to have anal sex but she
Speaker 1: does not like it. Where do you go from there?
Speaker 1: So she assuming she says she doesn't like it, but
Speaker 1: that that could mean that she's either tried it and
Speaker 1: it wasn't pleasurable, or she hasn't tried it because she
Speaker 1: doesn't really like the idea of it, or she's concerned
Speaker 1: that it won't be pleasurable. Um, if you have a
Speaker 1: partner who is willing to do the physical and emotional
Speaker 1: preparation that it takes in order to get to have
Speaker 1: a pleasurable anal sexual experience, I say let's talk about it,
Speaker 1: because if you are if you do have a partner
Speaker 1: who's willing to do all the prep and it takes
Speaker 1: a lot of preparation, it could take weeks, it could
Speaker 1: take months. Then if you have a partner who's willing
Speaker 1: to hold your hand through it, and both of you
Speaker 1: can explore that. Obviously I'm partial to people doing that
Speaker 1: with me as a sex therapist, but there are you know,
Speaker 1: some there's some information online that's very helpful. There are
Speaker 1: books and videos that are very helpful. If they're willing
Speaker 1: to do all that and you're will it's almost like
Speaker 1: kind of liking it to the fact that you know
Speaker 1: you're pregnant right now. I've also had two kids myself.
Speaker 1: The idea of something coming out of you or of
Speaker 1: your body being able to handle the experience when you're
Speaker 1: four weeks pregnant is very different emotionally and physically than
Speaker 1: when you're thirty six weeks pregnant, all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: you're like, Okay, my body, I've seen the changes that
Speaker 1: my body has gone through. I've looked at the videos,
Speaker 1: I've read the stories. I've experienced it, you know, in
Speaker 1: different ways. You have to remember that this is a process.
Speaker 1: This is not a let's try this out tonight. If
Speaker 1: you can create an experience where your body can accommodate,
Speaker 1: then you have the option of maybe even experiencing pleasure.
Speaker 1: But a lot of women won't even go there because
Speaker 1: they've heard a lot of myths or they're scared. And UM,
Speaker 1: I think that it's worth thinking about and considering very strongly.
Speaker 1: If you have a partner who is patient, who is
Speaker 1: willing to let you take the lead, and who isn't
Speaker 1: going to be pushy, all right, I can accept that answer.
Speaker 1: I can accept that answer. Um, where should somebody go
Speaker 1: to research this? So there? Um, that's interesting, you say,
Speaker 1: let me see if I can plan it like you
Speaker 1: do is I'll post about it whenever you Postum, whenever
Speaker 1: you post this, I'll post some links and kind of
Speaker 1: do like a little link thing. Um. People are gonna
Speaker 1: be like, oh, why is that doctor really posting a
Speaker 1: bunch of people. Know, we'll see if we can do that,
Speaker 1: maybe on a story or something, but it's for a
Speaker 1: lot of people it's a straight up no, not gonna happen,
Speaker 1: and they can't understand why anybody would want that to happen.
Speaker 1: But if you as a couple are trying to experience
Speaker 1: pasure in different ways, it is a really valid um,
Speaker 1: a valid choice to explore that part of your body.
Speaker 1: But you must do it carefully and very conscientiously. That
Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense. Um. And then this last
Speaker 1: one that's involving you know, a listener question is I
Speaker 1: think about other people while having sex with my husband.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Are we in trouble? Okay, if
Speaker 1: it's the only way you're able to get off, you
Speaker 1: may be in a little bit of trouble. And a
Speaker 1: lot of that is because you are no longer associating
Speaker 1: your partner with your pleasure. So if you have trouble
Speaker 1: getting back into being able to consider your partner as
Speaker 1: your fantasy subject, um, seek some help and don't don't
Speaker 1: continue doing that. Wait, um, you know, see if you
Speaker 1: see if you can think about your partner and get off,
Speaker 1: and if you can't, get some help with it, but
Speaker 1: don't continue to do what you've been doing, which is
Speaker 1: training your body and your brain to respond to someone else.
Speaker 1: Does the same. Go for sex dreams. You can't control sex,
Speaker 1: Sonnekle of Joy for you know, you can't control that.
Speaker 1: But your fantasy file should should be with somebody that
Speaker 1: you can actually be with and can experience that with,
Speaker 1: and truth be told, you would probably want your partner
Speaker 1: to do the same. I mean, now I have to
Speaker 1: dig into a personal question. I need to know a
Speaker 1: little bit more about married at First Sight how it works,
Speaker 1: Like can you give us a little juice on that? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: And actually now it's the time to to really check
Speaker 1: in on on the episodes because they're going to be
Speaker 1: talking more about intimacy and that sort of thing. But
Speaker 1: Married at First Sight is this radical arranged marriage experiment.
Speaker 1: It is we really try to get at the best,
Speaker 1: most compatible couples from our singles and we create hopefully
Speaker 1: long lasting marriages from that. Now, what we do is
Speaker 1: we do all bunch of research, all sorts of testing,
Speaker 1: all sorts of questionnaires. We put these people through the ringer,
Speaker 1: and then if we're able to find them a match,
Speaker 1: we will match them We have five couples this season
Speaker 1: who we believe are very well matched. And then what
Speaker 1: happens is they get married, and they meet and get
Speaker 1: legally married at the Altar, and then they go on
Speaker 1: this eight week experiment and this is their chance to
Speaker 1: really get to know why they are compatible, how they're compatible,
Speaker 1: and um get them started on a lifelong marriage. Now,
Speaker 1: the TV aspect of it, and the part that I
Speaker 1: love about it is that you get to learn how
Speaker 1: people do well in relationships, but also how can they
Speaker 1: can self sabotaged Because the people that we see singles,
Speaker 1: we hope are going to be the people that they
Speaker 1: are when they're coupled up, but that isn't always the case.
Speaker 1: And sometimes it takes people going through the wringer to
Speaker 1: get to a place where they are doing well, and
Speaker 1: other people just fall off. So, I mean, it's kind
Speaker 1: of crazy, it's this roller poster. But if you're really
Speaker 1: committed to marriage and you're really committed to finding out
Speaker 1: why this person is the best match for you, then
Speaker 1: they do really well and they you know, we have
Speaker 1: lots of lots of couples um, and we have babies
Speaker 1: who have come out of the show, so it's it's
Speaker 1: a really really interesting, unique experience. I cannot wait to
Speaker 1: keep tuning in now that it's getting to the intimacy part.
Speaker 1: And we appreciate you so much for coming on the
Speaker 1: show and digging a little deeper. I could ask you
Speaker 1: a million more questions. UM, that's a part two or
Speaker 1: part three. I know we have to dig into more. UM.
Speaker 1: If you guys want to find out more about Dr
Speaker 1: viv you can find out at Dr Viviana dot com.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, take care right. Thanks
Speaker 1: for listening this week to teddy te Pod. Please continue
Speaker 1: to send in your questions. I love it. UM. Next
Speaker 1: week we are digging into the good, the bad, and
Speaker 1: the ugly of pregnancy. I mean that is, if I'm
Speaker 1: still pregnant next week. So UM, send in your questions.
Speaker 1: I look forward to doing it and I'll talk to
Speaker 1: you guys soon. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for listening. Subscribe
Speaker 1: to teddy te Pod on I Hear Radio or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to podcasts.