Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,
Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,
Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, Thank you for joining
Speaker 1: me for another episode. I'm guessing if you're listening to
Speaker 1: this right now, you have been ghosted. Maybe it was recently,
Speaker 1: maybe it was a while ago, but it really seems
Speaker 1: to me that ghosting has become somewhat of a universal
Speaker 1: experience amongst those of us in our twenties, especially if
Speaker 1: you're someone who is dating, or even at times those
Speaker 1: of us who aren't. So if you're not familiar with
Speaker 1: the term, ghosting is essentially when someone cuts off all
Speaker 1: communication without an explanation, essentially in order to end things
Speaker 1: with you without having to say why or give you
Speaker 1: a reason. And let's be honest, getting ghosted really sucks,
Speaker 1: especially when we really like someone or we've created an
Speaker 1: image or a fantasy of our future together. And I
Speaker 1: think additionally, in a world where we are constantly on
Speaker 1: our phones, we have technology at our fingertips. It's hard
Speaker 1: to really understand why someone can't just shoot you a message,
Speaker 1: giving you a reason why it's over, and then you
Speaker 1: can kind of both move on with clarity, I guess.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately for us, we don't live in a perfect world,
Speaker 1: and these days, even that very low standard for communication
Speaker 1: seems to have been forgotten, and it's frustrating. It stings.
Speaker 1: It feels very similar to rejection, and it can really
Speaker 1: injure our sense of self worth and self esteem because
Speaker 1: ghosting doesn't give us the closure that we all crave
Speaker 1: when a relationship, however short lived, comes to an end,
Speaker 1: and so we fill in the gaps, and normally we're
Speaker 1: not always realistic or kind to ourselves when doing this,
Speaker 1: so we blame ourselves and we look for faults in
Speaker 1: our behavior and look for problems with us. And maybe
Speaker 1: you've actually ghosted someone in return, I'll be honest, I've
Speaker 1: done that once or twice, and I'm not proud of it.
Speaker 1: But when we examine some of the psychological reasons why
Speaker 1: people feel the urge to suddenly disappear from our lives
Speaker 1: without a trace, it becomes a lot clearer that this practice,
Speaker 1: this trend has far more to do with someone else's
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability, with their emotional intelligence, their personality, their circumstances,
Speaker 1: than our own. So let's talk about it today and
Speaker 1: provide ourselves with the closure we don't get from the
Speaker 1: people who ghost us. We're going to examine whether ghosting
Speaker 1: is really as new as we think it is, how
Speaker 1: we can identify when we're going to be ghosted, but
Speaker 1: more importantly, why people do it, ranging from theories around
Speaker 1: emotional unavailability to the dark triad of narcissism, psychopathy and machiavelianism,
Speaker 1: attachment style, people pleasing, conflict, aversion, and so much more.
Speaker 1: I also want to talk about how to respond. I
Speaker 1: know our immediate reaction is sometimes to bombard this person
Speaker 1: with text messages, to keep chasing people even when it
Speaker 1: becomes obvious that they are no longer interested, or even
Speaker 1: sometimes just to lash out. I think none of those
Speaker 1: will bring us the closure that we want, and it's
Speaker 1: not going to bring us piece either. So what is
Speaker 1: the perfect way to respond to someone who has ghosted you?
Speaker 1: And I guess finally, how can we prevent ourselves from
Speaker 1: being the ghoster? As much as we disapprove of ghosting?
Speaker 1: When it's done to us, many of us are still
Speaker 1: I would say, very much guilty of doing it to others.
Speaker 1: So what does that actually say about our own psychology
Speaker 1: and self concept? Well, as we'll talk about it actually
Speaker 1: says quite a bit. And I also think we typically
Speaker 1: think of ghosting in regards to romantic connections and dating.
Speaker 1: That's definitely something I want to discuss today. But further
Speaker 1: to that, what about ghosting in friendships, in work relationships,
Speaker 1: and any kind of human interaction or communication. I think
Speaker 1: the concept is a lot more nuanced than someone not
Speaker 1: just texting you back after a mediocre first date. So
Speaker 1: there is so much to explore, especially as it relates
Speaker 1: to our twenties, where it seems everyone has a story
Speaker 1: about being ghosted. In this day and age, the psychology
Speaker 1: is fascinating and at times I think, quite unexpected. But
Speaker 1: like everything we talk about on this show, there's always
Speaker 1: an explanation behind any human behavior, including the ghost So
Speaker 1: without further ado, I say we jump straight into it.
Speaker 1: When did it become okay to essentially ice someone out
Speaker 1: of your life, to just stop communicating and hope someone
Speaker 1: gets the memo. Well, interestingly, ghosting is not an entirely
Speaker 1: new concept, although I think it's definitely on the rise
Speaker 1: with the invention of things like dating apps and social media,
Speaker 1: both of which have really detached us from our ability
Speaker 1: to genuinely communicate. But the term actually really originated in
Speaker 1: the Earth two thousands. It's what we would call a neologism,
Speaker 1: which is essentially a new term used to describe a
Speaker 1: type of human behavior that we didn't previously have a
Speaker 1: word for. I think it's very much a millennial term,
Speaker 1: and before its modern meaning, to ghost really meant to
Speaker 1: haunt and to be haunted by the memory of someone,
Speaker 1: which in some ways could be interpreted as a partial
Speaker 1: meaning of today's use of the term. You know, a
Speaker 1: relationship dies prematurely and we're left without answers and therefore
Speaker 1: somewhat haunted by the what ifs and the memories. Maybe
Speaker 1: this will make you feel better, maybe it won't. But
Speaker 1: people have been ghosted for generations. You know, their beloved
Speaker 1: would skip town, their letters would mysteriously be lost in
Speaker 1: the mail. People have been left without closure and without
Speaker 1: answers for all of history, particularly in romantic encounters. However,
Speaker 1: I do think that ghosting has definitely become a lot
Speaker 1: more prevalent. There was a survey conducted in the US
Speaker 1: and Canada and it looked at over eight hundred participants
Speaker 1: and it found that almost eighty percent of them had
Speaker 1: been ghosted in some form or another. And researchers and
Speaker 1: social psychologists they have a few explanations for this, the
Speaker 1: main culprit being Internet dating, but I think just the
Speaker 1: Internet in general. You know, apps like Hinge and Tinder,
Speaker 1: they give us a sense of unlimited matches and unlimited dates.
Speaker 1: It's this idea in psychology of choice overload. But they
Speaker 1: also have really undermined our ability to communicate, and as
Speaker 1: has social media and that sense of anonymity that it
Speaker 1: gives us. We have become a society that can now
Speaker 1: hide behind an online message or an unfollow rather than
Speaker 1: actually needing to have hard conversations and to expel breast
Speaker 1: ourselves honestly, and I think it's no surprise when we
Speaker 1: see the correlation with dating apps that this practice of ghosting.
Speaker 1: It typically happens in short term relationships or in the
Speaker 1: very early stages of dating when you kind of don't
Speaker 1: yet have the closeness with someone, whereby they feel you
Speaker 1: would need an answer if they were to end things.
Speaker 1: Your lives are not intertwined. You're still very much strangers,
Speaker 1: so it's easier to have less empathy around just cutting
Speaker 1: you out of their lives. I don't know. I think
Speaker 1: it is very typical for early stages in a relationship.
Speaker 1: But you do definitely hear these like horror stories about
Speaker 1: people in like five or ten year relationships whose partners
Speaker 1: suddenly disappear and they never hear from them again. And
Speaker 1: it also happens in friendships, which I think always sucks.
Speaker 1: You know, when you really feel like you connected with
Speaker 1: someone and then you never hear from them again, even
Speaker 1: when you try and reach out. And there's been this
Speaker 1: recent trend, recent term called corporate ghosting, which I know
Speaker 1: sounds super bizarre, but essentially we see it all the time.
Speaker 1: You go for an interview at a company and you
Speaker 1: never hear back, or your employer just stops giving you
Speaker 1: shifts instead of officially firing you. In all of these instances,
Speaker 1: I think it's very easy to turn the blame onto ourselves.
Speaker 1: Ghosting is very similar to rejection, if not almost identical,
Speaker 1: and so it activates some of those same negative cognitions
Speaker 1: and thought patterns. But here's the truth. It has absolutely
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. I don't care how many
Speaker 1: times you've been ghosted or who you've been ghosted by.
Speaker 1: The reasons someone ghosts you, especially in a romantic situation,
Speaker 1: is their problem and their burden to cap and it
Speaker 1: often relates to their personality, to their emotional unavailability, their
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence, and even, like we said before, traits like
Speaker 1: narcissism or psychopathy. So let's explore some of the motivations
Speaker 1: and the reasons why people typically behave in this way
Speaker 1: from a psychological perspective as well. I think the psychology
Speaker 1: around this is so so fascinating and it reveals a
Speaker 1: lot about human behavior in general. So, firstly, if you've
Speaker 1: been ghosted by someone you were dating, most of the
Speaker 1: time it occurs because of a few reasons. So they
Speaker 1: did this study and they basically asked a bunch of
Speaker 1: people like have you been ghosted? And have you ever
Speaker 1: ghosted someone else? And the people who had ghosted other
Speaker 1: people they listed a few reasons as to why they'd
Speaker 1: done it, one of them and the most major one
Speaker 1: being faded or misplaced attraction, but also convenience and to
Speaker 1: avoid awkwardness, not because they particularly dislike you, or because
Speaker 1: they want to hurt you. Ghosting just comes with minimal
Speaker 1: emotional baggage and vulnerability. It's kind of the easy way out,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't require the other person to be accountable
Speaker 1: or honest. And that sounds like emotional unavailability to me.
Speaker 1: And I honestly believe that ghosting is the biggest indicator
Speaker 1: that someone is emotionally unavailable because this practice encapsulates so
Speaker 1: many of the behavioral signs of an emotionally unavailable person.
Speaker 1: This is someone who cannot own their own feelings, They
Speaker 1: lack the emotional skills to openly communicate, They are emotionally avoidant,
Speaker 1: and they treat connection as if it's infinite and that
Speaker 1: people are replaceable or undeserving of a response to them.
Speaker 1: And according to doctor Seth Myers, who is a clinical
Speaker 1: psychologist he's also one of the relationship experts behind the
Speaker 1: invention of e harmony throwback, but he says he would
Speaker 1: call most people who ghost emotionally unavailable because the very
Speaker 1: act of ghosting someone violates this fundamental social law of
Speaker 1: mutual respect and an even more basic human principle of communication.
Speaker 1: It may also indicate an avoidant attachment style and somewhat
Speaker 1: of an apathetic view towards dating and partnership. This person,
Speaker 1: because of the way they were raised or past relationships
Speaker 1: and their inherent emotional unavailability, has a lack of necessity
Speaker 1: for relationships, and therefore they're very quick to discard people
Speaker 1: in the most efficient way by cutting off all communication
Speaker 1: because they don't see the value in creating that psychological
Speaker 1: and emotional closure for someone else. They also probably never
Speaker 1: get to a point in their relationships in which they
Speaker 1: feel the other person actually deserves clarity. And I think
Speaker 1: honestly being ghosted has probably saved you a lot of
Speaker 1: future emotional suffering. So I would say take it as
Speaker 1: a blessing that this person has removed themselves from your life,
Speaker 1: rather than you having to do it four months down
Speaker 1: the track when you realize they are entirely emotionally avoidant
Speaker 1: and emotionally unavailable. They really did you a favor, and
Speaker 1: I think we all know that saying what is meant
Speaker 1: for you will not miss you, and I don't think
Speaker 1: that you are meant to be with an emotionally unavailable person.
Speaker 1: I think the other element of this is emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1: When people ask me why do people ghost? Why have
Speaker 1: I been ghosted? I always ask them to tell me
Speaker 1: how emotionally intelligent they think that person was. In psychology,
Speaker 1: this idea of emotional intelligence is also known as EQ.
Speaker 1: It refers to the ability to understand and manage your
Speaker 1: own emotions, as well as recognize the emotions of those
Speaker 1: around you. Opponent of that is not only obviously effective communication,
Speaker 1: which is essentially nonexistent when someone goess to you, but
Speaker 1: also empathy, which refers to the ability to sense and
Speaker 1: respect other's emotions. People who struggle with empathy, many of
Speaker 1: them find it difficult to consider the impact of their
Speaker 1: actions on others, leading them to I would say, engage
Speaker 1: in ghosting more often as a means of avoiding confrontation
Speaker 1: or emotional discomfort and taking the easy way out, the
Speaker 1: most convenient route for them at the expense of another
Speaker 1: person's feelings. A person's propensity to ghost is negatively correlated
Speaker 1: to their emotional intelligence. They typically do not have the
Speaker 1: emotional maturity to deal with complex human emotions, but additionally,
Speaker 1: they are unable to put themselves in your situation and
Speaker 1: empathize as to what they would have wanted if the
Speaker 1: tables had turned they were in your position, and I
Speaker 1: think that's a good reminder and a good thing to
Speaker 1: recognize the next time you're ghosted. Honestly, thank god you
Speaker 1: didn't end up with someone who didn't even have the
Speaker 1: empathy to send you a text saying they weren't interested.
Speaker 1: Imagine how much empathy they would have shown you when
Speaker 1: you were stressed at work or when you were arguing.
Speaker 1: You know, absolutely not. I think low EQ is a
Speaker 1: massive red flag, and if someone is willing to ghost you,
Speaker 1: they are showing their true colors. Personality, of course, is
Speaker 1: another underlying theme here. So according to this psychologist her
Speaker 1: name is Kelsey M. Latima, people who ghost in relationships
Speaker 1: are more likely to have what we would call undesirable
Speaker 1: personality traits and as well kind of these behaviors that
Speaker 1: we would call very self centered, very avoidant, narcissistic, and
Speaker 1: at times manipulative. So there's this theory in psychology. It's
Speaker 1: known as the dark triad, and it refers to a
Speaker 1: set of three very distinct personality traits that are considered
Speaker 1: socially malevolent and inherently exploitative. So these are narcissism, machiavelianism,
Speaker 1: and psychopathy. And it's believed that behaviors like ghosting are
Speaker 1: much more common in people who possess these traits. So
Speaker 1: let's quickly go through them. Narcissism, it refers to an
Speaker 1: inflated sense of self, a grandiosity that kind of tends
Speaker 1: to correspond with their social status and what other people
Speaker 1: can offer them. Individuals who are high in narcissism, they
Speaker 1: often have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and a lack
Speaker 1: of empathy for others. They tend to exploit others for
Speaker 1: their own gain and kind of engauge in these self
Speaker 1: enhancement tactics to maintain like a very polished self image.
Speaker 1: Machiavelianism is another that's the tendency towards manipulation and very
Speaker 1: i would say calculated, self serving social strategies. It's almost
Speaker 1: like they love to play games with other people. And finally,
Speaker 1: we have my favorite slash least favorite psychopathy, and that's
Speaker 1: actually a personality disorder, so someone can be a sociopath
Speaker 1: or a psychopath, but it's also a personality trait and
Speaker 1: it reflects a lack of impulse control, antisocial behavior, and
Speaker 1: just an overall lack of regard for other people's feelings.
Speaker 1: So if you are high on these dark triad traits,
Speaker 1: you may be more likely to choose ghosting rather than
Speaker 1: other direct and more empathetic ways to end a relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, it's very easy to send a casual I
Speaker 1: enjoyed our time together. But text, you know, that's very
Speaker 1: easy to do. And this theory that narcissism, macuvellinism, psychopathy
Speaker 1: were linked to ghosting, it was actually explored in this
Speaker 1: paper that they published in twenty twenty one. So in
Speaker 1: their study they looked at three hundred and fourteen participants
Speaker 1: and they found that people with higher levels of these
Speaker 1: dark triad traits were more likely not only to ghost people,
Speaker 1: but also to report that they found nothing wrong with
Speaker 1: that behavior. They found that entirely acceptable men, in particular,
Speaker 1: who displayed higher levels of narcissism, they were the most
Speaker 1: I would say, fond of ghosting as a way to
Speaker 1: end a relationship. And I think this makes a lot
Speaker 1: of sense when we dive a little bit deeper into it.
Speaker 1: If you're a narcissist, you prioritize your own needs about
Speaker 1: the feelings of others, and that can lead you to
Speaker 1: abruptly end a relationship without consideration for the impact it
Speaker 1: has on the other person. These people have this inflated
Speaker 1: sense of self importance and that makes them believe that
Speaker 1: they are entitled to move on without providing you an
Speaker 1: explanation and without providing you closure. When we think of machiavelianism,
Speaker 1: these individuals sometimes actually use ghosting as a tool to
Speaker 1: maintain control and to maintain power. By abruptly cutting off
Speaker 1: contact with you, they create confusion, they create anxiety, and
Speaker 1: they know that they create a sense of longing and
Speaker 1: that means that you're going to be thinking about them,
Speaker 1: and that gives them a sense of control over the
Speaker 1: relationship and a sense of control over you by using
Speaker 1: I would say silence almost as like a weapon. And finally,
Speaker 1: psychopaths they obviously lack empathy, which we spoke about before,
Speaker 1: but another big component of this disorder and of this
Speaker 1: t right is that they don't feel a sense of
Speaker 1: responsibility or guilt for the emotional impact their actions have.
Speaker 1: So whilst you could sit down with someone and say, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, you probably shouldn't ghost that person because it's
Speaker 1: really going to hurt their feelings, it's going to make
Speaker 1: them feel really rejected, it's going to injure their self esteem.
Speaker 1: Someone who's a psychopath genuinely does not have the natural
Speaker 1: levels of empathy to even understand that argument, So it's
Speaker 1: really it doesn't make sense to them. They see their
Speaker 1: world only as efficiency, and if they're done with a relationship, well,
Speaker 1: the most efficient, minimal impact, you know, the easiest thing
Speaker 1: for them to do is just to stop talking to you.
Speaker 1: And I'm obviously not claiming that every person who ghosts
Speaker 1: you can be labeled a psychopath or a narcissist. I
Speaker 1: really kind of disagree with us throwing those words around,
Speaker 1: but it is just one explanation. I also think it's
Speaker 1: important to note that there are some other less sinister,
Speaker 1: but at times I would stay still really unhealthy reasons
Speaker 1: that people cut off communication as a way to end
Speaker 1: a connection. And one of those is people pleasing tendencies,
Speaker 1: which I think is almost the opposite of lacking empathy,
Speaker 1: but instead having an excess of empathy. That it's maladaptive
Speaker 1: and it causes us to act in a manner that
Speaker 1: we think is helpful, but actually it's equally as hurtful.
Speaker 1: So if you are a lifelong people pleaser, you've probably
Speaker 1: spent your whole life highly attuned to the feelings of others,
Speaker 1: but you also have a lot of problems and insecurities
Speaker 1: around disappointing people or telling them something that they don't
Speaker 1: want to hear. So ending a relationship when you are
Speaker 1: this kind of person, when you have this kind of instinct,
Speaker 1: can be really difficult because feelings will be hurt. So
Speaker 1: we avoid having to explicitly let someone down by simply
Speaker 1: leaving them to figure it out by themselves, by ghosting them.
Speaker 1: And it may seem nice and it probably saves you
Speaker 1: the emotional discomfort of hurting someone, but really you're doing
Speaker 1: more damage than if you just fought against your people
Speaker 1: pleasing instinct and told them the truth. That's kind of
Speaker 1: the paradox of people pleasing at times. Sometimes we think
Speaker 1: we're doing the nice thing, but really we're just saving
Speaker 1: ourselves the emotional discomfort of having to let someone down
Speaker 1: when really they're still suffering. And I guess a final
Speaker 1: explanation that I really want to rest on for a
Speaker 1: second is that sometimes people just don't feel safe enough
Speaker 1: to end things through face to face communication. I think
Speaker 1: ghosting isn't always callous. We like to be nuanced on
Speaker 1: this show, and in some situations it's actually used as
Speaker 1: a way to prevent a potentially undesirable and dangerous situation
Speaker 1: in which confronting the person may actually be really emotionally
Speaker 1: volatile and perhaps unsafe. I do think those instances are
Speaker 1: very rare, though, and in most cases you can still
Speaker 1: give someone a phone call or I just think honesty
Speaker 1: is the best policy when possible. You know, we're all adults,
Speaker 1: we're not children. You need to own your emotions and
Speaker 1: be prepared to have hard conversations. Our avoidance of such situations,
Speaker 1: I think it may actually indicate sometimes that we are
Speaker 1: the emotionally unavailable ones. And the truth is that in
Speaker 1: any long term relationship with a partner, with a friend,
Speaker 1: with a family member, sometimes you need to have difficult
Speaker 1: chats and you need to let people down. But I think,
Speaker 1: regardless of someone's intentions, regardless of our understanding of those motivations,
Speaker 1: being ghosted can create a lot of confusion and anxiety,
Speaker 1: and there's a scientific reason as to why we feel
Speaker 1: that way. It's not just you, it's not just you
Speaker 1: alone in this situation. But if you've faced an instance
Speaker 1: where you have been ghosted, as unfortunate as it is,
Speaker 1: I think there is an ideal way to respond and
Speaker 1: to respond not just externally to someone else, but also internally.
Speaker 1: There's something to be learnt from being ghosted. We're going
Speaker 1: to talk about that in just a second. After this
Speaker 1: shortbreak ghosting it it takes us by surprise, it's very quick,
Speaker 1: it's ruthless, and unfortunately for the person being ghosted, it
Speaker 1: can be somewhat psychologically challenging to kind of integrate and
Speaker 1: get over it. You know, you feel angry, You're going
Speaker 1: to feel rejected. Your self esteem may even lapse, or
Speaker 1: you will respond with cynicism around dating and connection, you know,
Speaker 1: giving up on love, being like I cannot take another
Speaker 1: ghost I cannot take another instance of rejection. So why
Speaker 1: is that? There is this really fascinating article. I really
Speaker 1: actually would recommend it for further reading if you're interested.
Speaker 1: It's called In Defense of Ghosting, and the author explains
Speaker 1: how at the very heart of ghosting is rejection, and
Speaker 1: the reason we find it so difficult is because we
Speaker 1: wanted a different outcome, and that's something that we can't
Speaker 1: always accept. Psychologically, as a species, we crave closure. Any relationship,
Speaker 1: however short lived, it was. It requires us to put
Speaker 1: partial trust in another person that they will treat us
Speaker 1: well and respect our best interests. You know, without that,
Speaker 1: there really wouldn't have even been that spark. There wouldn't
Speaker 1: have been that connection. So, whether it's been a few days,
Speaker 1: a few weeks, a few months, our brains craven ending
Speaker 1: that gives us answers, and we respond poorly to situations
Speaker 1: where there are blanks or there is ambiguity, and it
Speaker 1: kind of essentially feels like it renders us powerless and
Speaker 1: leaves us with no opportunity to ask questions and to
Speaker 1: be provided with the information that would help us to
Speaker 1: emotionally process the experience that silence that we hear that
Speaker 1: there's nothingness there. In order to compensate for that, we
Speaker 1: provide our own answers to fill in the blanks and
Speaker 1: to give ourselves the closure that we desire. And often
Speaker 1: our explanations typically conclude that there was a problem with
Speaker 1: us rather than them. You know, we were too loud,
Speaker 1: we were too unattractive, we were too boring, and none
Speaker 1: of those things are correct, absolutely none of them. They
Speaker 1: were the immature one, They were emotionally unavailable, they were childish,
Speaker 1: you know, any human with a properly developed frontal lobe
Speaker 1: knows how to be kind but honest, and knows how
Speaker 1: to type out a text message providing you with an explanation.
Speaker 1: This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if
Speaker 1: you saw it coming, even if you know maybe the
Speaker 1: date was a little bit awkward, you still deserve an answer, right.
Speaker 1: That's just a genuine level of human respect. I think
Speaker 1: the other reason, though, that we find it so difficult
Speaker 1: is because we use social cues from others to regulate
Speaker 1: our emotions but also to provide us feedback around our
Speaker 1: value and our worthiness. So when we are rejected in
Speaker 1: such a callous way, we don't have any sense of
Speaker 1: how to react because well, they've kind of given us
Speaker 1: nothing to work with, so we don't really know what
Speaker 1: we can fix. We don't know how to respond. So,
Speaker 1: according to this article by Psychology Today, an amazing resource.
Speaker 1: By the way, if you're a psychology student out there,
Speaker 1: this is a great resource to use. But social cues,
Speaker 1: as we know, they allow us to regulate our own
Speaker 1: behavior according to how other people react and the information
Speaker 1: that other people are giving us, either through their words
Speaker 1: or through their actions. But when we are ghosted. It
Speaker 1: really deprives you of those usual social cues and it
Speaker 1: creates a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out
Speaker 1: of control. It's also just the science of good old faction,
Speaker 1: like rejection, which we all know is awful and we've
Speaker 1: all been rejected. Ghosting is a form of rejection, and
Speaker 1: from a psychological standpoint, this really does just threaten our
Speaker 1: basic human need for belongingness and for social connection. When
Speaker 1: we experience this, it can trigger a range of negative
Speaker 1: emotions like sadness, like shame, even anger, because the brain
Speaker 1: perceives rejection and ghosting as a threat to our social standing,
Speaker 1: as a threat to how accepted we are, as a
Speaker 1: threat to our inclusion in the in group, and that
Speaker 1: activates some of the same neural pathways that are associated
Speaker 1: with physical pain. It's an evolutionary siren, an evolutionary alarm
Speaker 1: in our head that goes, oh my gosh, this person
Speaker 1: doesn't like me. Will that mean that I survive? Because
Speaker 1: if I'm not liked historically, that meant I would not survive,
Speaker 1: and I would not live to pass on my genetics.
Speaker 1: I would not live to see my old age. And
Speaker 1: that psychological hurt can lead to a diminished sense of
Speaker 1: self worth and self esteem, and we begin to I
Speaker 1: would say, really it internalized that you know there is
Speaker 1: no outward explanation provided by that person. I've said that
Speaker 1: a million times, but no one is giving us an answer.
Speaker 1: We have to come up without ourselves. So it really
Speaker 1: destabilizes our self perception and our worldview, and it leaves
Speaker 1: us feeling particularly vulnerable and particularly uncertain. So what do
Speaker 1: we do now? What in the next steps here? What
Speaker 1: is the best way to respond? I always say this
Speaker 1: on this show, and it is a very deep personal
Speaker 1: philosophy of mine, But no response is the most powerful response,
Speaker 1: especially when we consider why people ghost and the personality
Speaker 1: traits that may be inherent within them, things like narcissism,
Speaker 1: things like psychopathy, things like machiavelianism. Remember, for some people,
Speaker 1: not all, but for some, ghosting is a way of
Speaker 1: asserting their power and their sense of entitlement. They may
Speaker 1: expect you to lash out, They may expect you to
Speaker 1: act needy and to triple message them, and that only
Speaker 1: feeds their ego in those instances, if you're really craving closure,
Speaker 1: I think a message template that I read that I
Speaker 1: think is spectacular and that you could send would be
Speaker 1: you know, hey, I haven't heard from you, while I'm
Speaker 1: not sure what happened, but I don't want to pursue this.
Speaker 1: I think my time is too valuable and I don't
Speaker 1: want to leave this door open. Best of luck that
Speaker 1: focus on this is my choice. You may have ghosted me,
Speaker 1: but I'm the one who's actually choosing to officially close
Speaker 1: the door. Is I think a very powerful statement, not
Speaker 1: just to them, but to yourself that you have agency
Speaker 1: in this situation. Honestly, I don't think texting people when
Speaker 1: they've ghosted you is advisable, But I would say that
Speaker 1: if you really need that tangible, solid ending, you really
Speaker 1: need that closure, make sure you frame it in a
Speaker 1: way that puts you at the epicenter of control, that
Speaker 1: gives you the sense of agency. But I really do
Speaker 1: think silence is the loudest sound when it comes to ghosting.
Speaker 1: I always try and think about this. Remember how you
Speaker 1: reacted to their silence, Remember how it left you feeling
Speaker 1: really hungry for more. Well, give them the feeling in return,
Speaker 1: Prove to them that you know your value and you're
Speaker 1: worth and you're not going to beg You're not going
Speaker 1: to ask for attention. You have an abundance of connections
Speaker 1: and options, and if they decide to treat you with disrespect,
Speaker 1: if they decide to treat you this way, that is
Speaker 1: entirely their right. But you're not going to argue with them.
Speaker 1: These individuals, I don't think they deserve a response. You know,
Speaker 1: they didn't care enough about your emotional needs and they
Speaker 1: don't really require any more thought from you. If that's
Speaker 1: the case, sometimes that urge is strong. Like I said,
Speaker 1: it's only psychologically natural to want answers. So if you're
Speaker 1: very much opposed to sending a text message, as I
Speaker 1: would probably advise you don't, the best way to avoid
Speaker 1: that is to remove them as a potential stimulus. So
Speaker 1: out of sight, out of mind, unfollow, delete your text thread,
Speaker 1: remove anything that might trigger you or provide a cue
Speaker 1: that you should message them or that you should reach out.
Speaker 1: And if you do see them, I would always say,
Speaker 1: be kind, show them that their actions did absolutely nothing
Speaker 1: to shake your self confidence, nothing to shake your resolve.
Speaker 1: They did you a favor by removing themselves from your life.
Speaker 1: You're also not going to change their mind. That's an
Speaker 1: important thing to remember as well. And I think it's
Speaker 1: also valuable to ask, you know, do you even want
Speaker 1: to change their mind? This person is most likely emotionally unavailable,
Speaker 1: emotionally unintelligent, or they are, you know, an unrestrained, unself
Speaker 1: aware people pleaser. What kind of future would you have
Speaker 1: had with them? Anyways? I would say probably not an
Speaker 1: emotionally satisfying one. Their opinion really doesn't mean anything to you.
Speaker 1: This person barely knew you. You barely knew them to
Speaker 1: the point where they couldn't even provide you with a
Speaker 1: message or the closure, or the empathy or the answers
Speaker 1: that you deserve. So I think the best is yet
Speaker 1: to come. And I would say my final piece of
Speaker 1: advice for getting over you know, the sense of being
Speaker 1: ghosted and kind of the pain of being ghosted is
Speaker 1: to let that disappointment teach you a lesson and allow
Speaker 1: it to inform your own actions and your own empathy.
Speaker 1: Meet their lack of empathy with an abundance of your own.
Speaker 1: And next time you're in a situation where you're feeling
Speaker 1: the urge to just kind of eye someone out, think
Speaker 1: about what you would want think about this experience. You know,
Speaker 1: we've all experienced that impulse because sometimes I think in
Speaker 1: the chaos of life, the last thing we want to
Speaker 1: do is have to deal with disappointing someone. But all
Speaker 1: of these experiences, I do think make us a more genuine, authentic,
Speaker 1: empathetic person, and you don't want to stoop to their level.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be someone who goes someone. A
Speaker 1: friend of mine actually has this really amazing anti ghosting
Speaker 1: message she uses, and I I had to ask her
Speaker 1: one day to like send it to me because I
Speaker 1: think it's so valuable. It goes something. I think it's
Speaker 1: pretty simple. It's like, hey, I really enjoyed getting to
Speaker 1: know you, and you're a wonderful person. Unfortunately, I don't
Speaker 1: see this going any further, but I truly wish you
Speaker 1: the best simple closure for you and for them. And
Speaker 1: it saves the bad blood of, you know, having to
Speaker 1: run into someone at a party and awkwardly pretend like
Speaker 1: you didn't fully ignore them. You know, honesty is always
Speaker 1: the best policy. We are not here to be ghosting people,
Speaker 1: whoever they are in your life. And finally, if I
Speaker 1: haven't said enough, you are not accountable for their actions
Speaker 1: or their choices. You are not at fault. That was
Speaker 1: their decision, and the best way you can move forward
Speaker 1: is to kind of rest back in your own power.
Speaker 1: Is to remind you that you are confident. Remind yourself
Speaker 1: that you are self assured, that you are spectacular and
Speaker 1: the right person would never think of treating you this way. Remember,
Speaker 1: no one's actions can hurt you if you don't let it.
Speaker 1: This person was never going to be good enough for you.
Speaker 1: They revealed that for you. They did you a favor,
Speaker 1: and the best way you can respond to that is
Speaker 1: by taking their answer, taking their response, and moving on.
Speaker 1: You don't need to beg this is not the person
Speaker 1: for you. This is just a blip on your radar.
Speaker 1: I just think life gets so much better when we
Speaker 1: realize that other people's opinions don't matter unless we let them.
Speaker 1: And this is really one of those instances where this
Speaker 1: person was like a complete stranger to you, perhaps even
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago, and they will become a
Speaker 1: stranger again and there is no harm in that. So
Speaker 1: I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really did.
Speaker 1: I love talking about ghosting. It's something that my friends
Speaker 1: and I talk about quite a bit actually, around who
Speaker 1: we've been ghost to buy, But also when did it
Speaker 1: become socially acceptable to do that? And I do think
Speaker 1: that the rise of technology and social media and online
Speaker 1: interactions have really lessened our sense of accountability when it
Speaker 1: comes to other people's emotions. That's just one of my theories.
Speaker 1: But if you have been ghosted, however recent it was,
Speaker 1: I hope this episode provided you with the closure that
Speaker 1: that person didn't. You really do deserve it. And as always,
Speaker 1: if you enjoyed this episode, or if there is someone
Speaker 1: in your life who really needs to hear this, you
Speaker 1: should send them a sneaky link, not that kind of
Speaker 1: sneaky link, just send them a link to the show.
Speaker 1: Just share it forward and maybe you'll provide them with
Speaker 1: some insights they didn't previously have. Please also feel free
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify.
Speaker 1: iHeart wherever you are listening right now. It really helps
Speaker 1: the show to grow, it helps it reach new people.
Speaker 1: It makes my day. I say this all the time,
Speaker 1: but I read every single one of your reviews, especially
Speaker 1: when I'm like having a hard day. It's really nice
Speaker 1: to know there's such a gorgeous, way wonderful community out
Speaker 1: there of people who actually really care about this and
Speaker 1: who really care about their health, They care about their wellbeing,
Speaker 1: they want to know the psychology. That's just so amazing.
Speaker 1: We really do have the best community, so thank you
Speaker 1: so much. And if you have an episode suggestion I
Speaker 1: almost forgot, please follow me at that Psychology Podcast. I
Speaker 1: love hearing what your experiences are and how we could
Speaker 1: apply some of the science to them. So come have
Speaker 1: a chat over there, come send through an idea. We
Speaker 1: hope to see you there as well, so thank you
Speaker 1: so much. We'll be back next week with another episode.