Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. So
Speaker 1: great to have you here for another episode, for another topic,
Speaker 1: one that I have wanted to discuss for some time,
Speaker 1: but it felt appropriate and you, lovely listeners, thought the
Speaker 1: same way. So today we are going to discuss the
Speaker 1: stigma of being single. In twenty twenty three, when I
Speaker 1: am recording this episode, more people I think are single
Speaker 1: than ever before. In Australia, at least I know, it's
Speaker 1: like one in four or twenty five percent of people
Speaker 1: over the age of eighteen are single, and that number
Speaker 1: climbs when we look at the US or North America
Speaker 1: or Europe. I think in some places it's as high
Speaker 1: as like thirty five percent, totally against the historical norm.
Speaker 1: And yet sometimes it feels like it's a bit of
Speaker 1: an invisible group, and we face a lot of expectations
Speaker 1: to eventually want to settle down or to find our soulmate,
Speaker 1: both externally and internally as well. I would say, there
Speaker 1: is still this general sense that being single is a
Speaker 1: phase that we all want to get out of. It's
Speaker 1: not forever, and what we should all be aiming for
Speaker 1: is monogamy and a relationship, and that expectation becomes a
Speaker 1: lot more pronounced than I would also say internalized. In
Speaker 1: our twenties, we may begin to feel a lot of
Speaker 1: shame or self stigma for not having someone, or we
Speaker 1: feel drawn by into dating apps or serial dating to
Speaker 1: tick that partnership off our list. That has been my
Speaker 1: personal experience my last relationship. If you have listened to
Speaker 1: me for a while, you'll know it left me very
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable, I would say, for a long time, and
Speaker 1: I protected my peace a little too hard, and being
Speaker 1: single has become a very comfortable part of my identity.
Speaker 1: But some of that internalized misogyny, I would say, and
Speaker 1: that shame and that pressure to settle down has definitely
Speaker 1: been creeping in recently this episode, and I guess my
Speaker 1: general thoughts on this was also really inspired by some
Speaker 1: recent events that have happened in my life. I went
Speaker 1: to a dinner party the other day for a very
Speaker 1: good friend of mine, No shame to her. I love
Speaker 1: her to bits, but I showed up at this party
Speaker 1: and every single person there was in a relationship or
Speaker 1: had attended with their partner, and it just made me
Speaker 1: so aware of how alone I was, And maybe alone
Speaker 1: isn't the best word. It just made me consider my
Speaker 1: status as a single person and wonder whether I was
Speaker 1: really actually missing out, or I was doing something wrong,
Speaker 1: or I was in some way flawed. I've also just
Speaker 1: encountered more and more conversations and questions from friends or
Speaker 1: family or even acquaintances. The older I get, where that
Speaker 1: looming question always seems to come up, how's your dating
Speaker 1: life going? Is there anyone serious? And it feels weird
Speaker 1: to always have the same answer, and yet I am
Speaker 1: genuinely the happiest I have ever been in my life.
Speaker 1: I think here's the thing I've realized. No one can
Speaker 1: make you feel bad about something that you are comfortable with.
Speaker 1: And let me tell you, society is going to try
Speaker 1: and make you feel insecure about being single a million
Speaker 1: different ways. It's in the movies and the media, we
Speaker 1: can see, it's in our childhood experiences, in the misogyny
Speaker 1: that we internalize, cultural norm societal expectations into personal relationships
Speaker 1: and also some of the structural and economic challenges that
Speaker 1: a company being a single person in this society. But
Speaker 1: is it wrong to want a relationship? Is it wrong
Speaker 1: to feel insecure about your relationship status? Does that, you know,
Speaker 1: indicate that perhaps we're unhappy being alone, that somehow we
Speaker 1: aren't fulfilled without someone in our lives. And maybe one
Speaker 1: of the biggest questions of all, is my desire to
Speaker 1: be with someone actually a sign that I need to
Speaker 1: do more healing? Or am I only seeking a partnership
Speaker 1: because that's what society expects because of the shame, because
Speaker 1: of this whole social norm that I need to be
Speaker 1: married and I need to have someone in my life.
Speaker 1: A million thoughts, a million questions, those are the things,
Speaker 1: those are the ideas that I really want to explore today.
Speaker 1: And this is not an episode that is going to
Speaker 1: scream in your face and claim you can't have a
Speaker 1: relationship or that a partnership will limit you. Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: What I really want to dive into is all the
Speaker 1: ways that we subliminally and implicitly feel convinced that a
Speaker 1: relationship is the only thing that will make us happy,
Speaker 1: and that we are somehow less than without one. This
Speaker 1: time in our lives is so sacred, and there is
Speaker 1: a genuine science that points to the value of our
Speaker 1: single years, and it's information that I really want to share,
Speaker 1: and I feel like it's really worth knowing. The stigma
Speaker 1: of being single is alive and well, but it's not
Speaker 1: always other people who are making us feel bad about it.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the people who have the greatest stigma and feeling
Speaker 1: of discomfort towards our relationship status is ourselves. And when
Speaker 1: we're in our twenties, there is absolutely no reason to
Speaker 1: be feeling this way. So I really want to discuss
Speaker 1: why we do feel that pressure, what it means to
Speaker 1: feel stigma around your relationship status, is it wrong to
Speaker 1: want a relationship status? And so many other questions in
Speaker 1: this episode. So without further ado, let's dive into it
Speaker 1: and unpack the stigma of being single in our twenties.
Speaker 1: I've talked about this before, but I think that our
Speaker 1: twenties are a real pivot decade where half the people
Speaker 1: in this age group are settling down or they have
Speaker 1: these very adult relationships, and the other half are kind
Speaker 1: of stuck in this perpetual loop of bad dates and
Speaker 1: failed situationships and dry spells. I can directly see this
Speaker 1: in the people around me. We're on one side, I
Speaker 1: have close friends who live with their partners and who
Speaker 1: are talking about marriage and children. And on the other
Speaker 1: side is people like me who feel woefully underprepared for
Speaker 1: this next stage. Sometimes we feel like our identity is
Speaker 1: tied to our relationship status, and we can't help but
Speaker 1: notice and crave the type of comfort and security of
Speaker 1: the people we see in these very happy relationships. I
Speaker 1: don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's not jealousy.
Speaker 1: There's not something inherently wrong with us. We psychologically crave
Speaker 1: what we don't have. It's scientifically proven, and it has
Speaker 1: a very appropriate name. It's called the grass is greener syndrome.
Speaker 1: And this can also be explained by the scarcity effect.
Speaker 1: When we feel like something is desirable or worthwhile or rare,
Speaker 1: such as a relationship, our subconscious mind makes us want
Speaker 1: it more so, for example, when when everyone around us
Speaker 1: has this beautiful partner, or when we feel like the
Speaker 1: dating pool is slowly becoming a lot more limited and scarce,
Speaker 1: such that the potential for a relationship is more rare,
Speaker 1: we crave them more because its value in our mind
Speaker 1: suddenly goes up, and that can really diminish our decision
Speaker 1: making and our standards, because we do become desperate, we
Speaker 1: do feel like we are racing against the clock. I
Speaker 1: think there's also the fact that our society still very
Speaker 1: much values the idea of monogamy and partnership. Being single
Speaker 1: is not the norm, and as this amazing article put it,
Speaker 1: it's more acceptable to be part of a couple, even
Speaker 1: a dysfunctional one, than it is to be happy and
Speaker 1: content by yourself. There's a lot to be said about
Speaker 1: this and about where this comes from the origins of
Speaker 1: this stigma. And if you're thinking that the use of
Speaker 1: the word stigma is perhaps a little bit dramatic, you
Speaker 1: may or may not be surprised by how much research
Speaker 1: has actually been conducted into this rising trend. I think
Speaker 1: this The term stigma is used pretty broadly in psychology
Speaker 1: and in society to refer to negative attitudes towards someone
Speaker 1: based on a particular characteristic or an attribute, and it's
Speaker 1: also typically accompanied by false stereotypes such as I don't
Speaker 1: know spinster or old maid or cat lady. All of
Speaker 1: these stereotypes associated with singleness, particularly female singleness, really firmly
Speaker 1: plant people who choose to be single as inherently unhappy,
Speaker 1: as unsatisfied, or to be looked down upon. So there
Speaker 1: is this amazing psychotherapist called Alison Abrams, and she has
Speaker 1: done a lot of thinking about this, and she said
Speaker 1: that single shaming is negatively judging somebody for not being
Speaker 1: partnered up and not conforming to society's expectations to be
Speaker 1: married or at least in a relationship by a certain age,
Speaker 1: And it manifests in a lot of implicit judgments and
Speaker 1: phrases that I'm sure we are probably familiar with. You know,
Speaker 1: you must be so lonely. The right person is out
Speaker 1: there for you. It's just a numbers game. You know,
Speaker 1: once you get to thirty it becomes a lot worse,
Speaker 1: or you know, you'll find someone eventually. When people make
Speaker 1: these statements, it may sound like encouragement or sympathy, but
Speaker 1: what they're really enforcing is that you kind of better
Speaker 1: get a move on, because if you're not in a relationship,
Speaker 1: there must be something inherently missing in your life. And
Speaker 1: we can't fully believe that you are happy or secure
Speaker 1: until you conform and until you find that puzzle piece,
Speaker 1: I think it's and peity derives from this inherent belief
Speaker 1: that you must be suffering or that you're experiencing some
Speaker 1: grave misfortune. In a study conducted by Match Research has
Speaker 1: found that of the common shaming phrases, thirty five percent
Speaker 1: of single people were told that they would find someone soon,
Speaker 1: twenty nine percent had heard that they must be lonely,
Speaker 1: and thirty eight percent reported a general pity over their
Speaker 1: relationship status. So why is that? Why do we still
Speaker 1: face this implicit idea that in order to be happy
Speaker 1: we have to be in love. We have seen a
Speaker 1: big change recently accompanying the acceptability of singlehood, both in
Speaker 1: attitudes and demographics, particularly amongst women. In the past, marriage
Speaker 1: was one of the only ways to really gain social
Speaker 1: power or even security. If you've read Pride and Prejudice
Speaker 1: or you've seen the movie, you'll know that in miss Line,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm twenty seven, i have no money, i
Speaker 1: have no prospects, I'm already a burden to my family,
Speaker 1: and I'm frightened. And that's a pretty accurate depiction of
Speaker 1: the choices of women in particular. Back in the day,
Speaker 1: it was either marriage or it was poverty, and you know,
Speaker 1: we can thank the suffragettes and first and second wave
Speaker 1: feminism for kind of liberating us from that belief. But
Speaker 1: as much as our society has experienced somewhat of a
Speaker 1: cultural and sexual liberation in the last fifty years, it
Speaker 1: does take generations for stigma and certain expectations to be eliminated.
Speaker 1: There is still a typical, normalized script for how our
Speaker 1: lives should run that at its core is focused on
Speaker 1: obtaining partnership and starting a family. In some ways, this
Speaker 1: is evolutionary, you know, partnership provided offspring which continued on
Speaker 1: our genetics and the survival of our speed, and those
Speaker 1: offspring were more likely to survive if there were two
Speaker 1: people to take care of them. In other ways, it's
Speaker 1: very cultural. Some you know, still consider women over the
Speaker 1: age of thirty who were single to be left over,
Speaker 1: and we implicitly do place couples or partnership on a
Speaker 1: pedestal because they have met the blueprint of what our
Speaker 1: society expects. They have done what they've been told to do,
Speaker 1: which is to find each other and to hold on
Speaker 1: to each other. And maybe the reason why there is
Speaker 1: such an obvious pressure to even do this before thirty
Speaker 1: is because of our cultural and our biological awareness of fertility.
Speaker 1: There are so many justifications, but I think that a
Speaker 1: biological explanation actually eliminates some of the societal responsibility for
Speaker 1: this implicit stigma against single people. And we cannot talk
Speaker 1: about this stigma without examining the psychology behind gender and misogyny.
Speaker 1: Like most things in society, Like most stigma, single shaming
Speaker 1: is not equally distributed. Think about the words used to
Speaker 1: describe singleness past thirty. A woman is a spinster, a
Speaker 1: man is a bachelor. And words are not empty constructs.
Speaker 1: They contain an implied social message and a meaning, a
Speaker 1: certain tone. Women tend to endure the most shame or
Speaker 1: prejudice because of the emphasis on marriage and child rearing,
Speaker 1: and we can understand this by looking at gender schema theory.
Speaker 1: So gender schemer theory it was introduced in the nineteen
Speaker 1: eighties by this amazing psychologist. Her name is Sandra bem
Speaker 1: a Central reading you should go and look her up,
Speaker 1: and this theory essentially says that the binary or the
Speaker 1: suggested differences between male and female have become one of
Speaker 1: the basic organizational structures of human society. Whereby men are
Speaker 1: the breadwinners, the moneymakers, the leaders, the powerful sex and
Speaker 1: women are the wives, they're the homemakers, they're the mothers.
Speaker 1: As children, we learn about gender through these specific attributes
Speaker 1: and we create gender schemers, And a schemer is essentially
Speaker 1: a pattern of thought or behavior that's used to organize
Speaker 1: categories or to simplify our interpretation of the world. If
Speaker 1: you were born a girl, you're implicitly influenced by what
Speaker 1: you observe, by how your behavior is corrected by the media.
Speaker 1: You consume, the words of your peers and adults, the
Speaker 1: behavior of your parents, so many things. You know. If
Speaker 1: you were raised in a traditional culture, there may have
Speaker 1: been very strict divisions between men and women. Women belonged
Speaker 1: to the private sphere, to the home. They took care
Speaker 1: of the household and they raised children, whilst men had
Speaker 1: access to the public sphere. They worked outside the home
Speaker 1: to support the family. And when we are raised in
Speaker 1: this culture, which I think is every culture in some
Speaker 1: way or another, we develop gender schema in line with
Speaker 1: what we observe, and through this schema we develop an
Speaker 1: understanding of what we can do to be a woman
Speaker 1: or to be a man. Of what society expects from us,
Speaker 1: and when you act in line with those expectations, your
Speaker 1: behavior is reinforced. You are praised, you are told you're pretty,
Speaker 1: you're told that you're good, such that you become conditioned
Speaker 1: to embrace a certain gender identity and expression. And a
Speaker 1: big part of the equation of being woman of that
Speaker 1: identity that we learn is being a wife and being
Speaker 1: a mother. And we often construct the identity of a
Speaker 1: woman based on her relationship to others and her social role.
Speaker 1: And because of those very early and consistent influences, it
Speaker 1: does feel like a natural duty for you to live
Speaker 1: up to those expectations, to fulfill that role. And who
Speaker 1: are we without a husband, without a manie, without a child.
Speaker 1: So we really feel shame around being single because we're
Speaker 1: not living up to what we know is expected of us.
Speaker 1: We're not fulfilling that role, that trope that has been
Speaker 1: sold to us since we were children. It's also important
Speaker 1: to examine the continuing and i'd say maintaining influence of
Speaker 1: the media and television. The media, i would say, is
Speaker 1: the main way that societal norms are reinforced. There's even
Speaker 1: a whole new discipline in psychology known as media psychology
Speaker 1: that looks into the impact of the media on our
Speaker 1: perspective of the world and the role of online learning.
Speaker 1: So there is this infamous study. If you're a psychology student,
Speaker 1: you will definitely have come across this. But it found
Speaker 1: that when children were exposed to, for example, violence on
Speaker 1: television or violent video games, they were more likely to
Speaker 1: be aggressive towards their peers because they believed it was
Speaker 1: socially acceptable and they modeled their behavior on these displays.
Speaker 1: And we can make that same connection with the presentation
Speaker 1: of singleness as a concept in television and movies. Okay,
Speaker 1: let me list a few movies for you. Bridget Jones's diary.
Speaker 1: The proposal was Standardbile, a very good movie. I will say,
Speaker 1: twenty seven Dresses, Ten Things I Hate About You, The
Speaker 1: Devil Wears Prada. You want to know what all these
Speaker 1: movies have in common. They all peddle a really familiar
Speaker 1: narrative and storyline. There is a woman who is focused
Speaker 1: on herself, who was successful, who was career driven, who
Speaker 1: at many times is quite content being alone, but she
Speaker 1: needs a boyfriend or a husband to complete her, to
Speaker 1: tame her. And when she finds him she's happy, and
Speaker 1: that's when the story kind of ends. Once you begin
Speaker 1: to recognize that pattern, I think there's no wonder that
Speaker 1: we feel less than if we aren't in a relationship.
Speaker 1: A relationship, marriage it's presented as the end game. You know,
Speaker 1: what more is there to a successful story, to a
Speaker 1: happy ending, then a wedding than a ring. And if
Speaker 1: that's not enough to reinforce the stigma of singleness, our
Speaker 1: society also makes it much harder for those of us
Speaker 1: who are not in relationships. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: our cultural context and how our society operates is built
Speaker 1: on the concept of the nuclear family, or at least
Speaker 1: some form of partnership. You know, think about buying a
Speaker 1: home these days, I think you need two incomes to
Speaker 1: do that. So that economic security provided by marriage back
Speaker 1: in the sixteen hundreds, it's still very much around. It's
Speaker 1: just been repackaged and rebranded. You know. Some other examples insurance,
Speaker 1: it's cheaper for couples, being married, is great for tax purposes.
Speaker 1: And there's even been this term kind of coined for
Speaker 1: those policies, called singalism, So the policy of making single
Speaker 1: people pay more than couples for their basic needs. As
Speaker 1: a way of kind of nudging people towards partnership through
Speaker 1: this positive reinforcement, and as a way to kind of
Speaker 1: make people feel like they have to conform and fit
Speaker 1: into this box. I think when you look at all
Speaker 1: those factors, there's no wonder that we feel terrible for
Speaker 1: being alone. In so many ways, you know, from social
Speaker 1: schemers to the media to economic security, society is actively
Speaker 1: implying that if you are single, you are somehow not
Speaker 1: really made to fit into this society. This is not acceptable,
Speaker 1: and when we begin to internalize these beliefs, we no
Speaker 1: longer need others to tell us that will never be
Speaker 1: happy if alone, because we start to believe it ourselves
Speaker 1: and apply that stigma in our own right. This is
Speaker 1: known in psychology as self stigma in contrast to public stigma.
Speaker 1: If we are exposed to enough conditioning and negative beliefs,
Speaker 1: we begin to self regulate and we internalize that negative stereotype.
Speaker 1: We internalize that belief that we should not be satisfied,
Speaker 1: that we should be looking for someone, and that's where
Speaker 1: a lot of the shame comes from. You know, I
Speaker 1: haven't I really need to do a whole episode on this,
Speaker 1: because I think that shame is such a powerful emotion,
Speaker 1: and we feel shame when we feel like we have
Speaker 1: violated a social norm and it makes us feel ourselves
Speaker 1: in a negative light or feel like we are flawed
Speaker 1: for not fulfilling some kind of social duty or expectation.
Speaker 1: And our proneness to this shame. It's influenced by a
Speaker 1: lot of factors. But according to researchers from the University
Speaker 1: of Bern in Germany, they did this really interesting study
Speaker 1: where they found that younger people in particular between the
Speaker 1: ages of eighteen and twenty nine and women as well,
Speaker 1: are much more impacted by the consequences and the experiences
Speaker 1: of shame. And I think that is the target audience
Speaker 1: for the stigma around being single women between eighteen and
Speaker 1: twenty nine. And as much as you may, you know,
Speaker 1: really love your single era, you're embracing your alone time,
Speaker 1: You're really loving that you can put effort into your
Speaker 1: friendships and your hobbies and your dreams, sometimes we can't
Speaker 1: ignore that little voice in the back of our head
Speaker 1: that is waiting for the right person to come along,
Speaker 1: that is dreaming of love and dreaming of partnership. So
Speaker 1: does that kind of mean that we've succumbed to public stigma,
Speaker 1: and that we've internalized the belief that we need to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship. I guess, is it wrong to
Speaker 1: still want to be with someone? Is it wrong to
Speaker 1: be in a relationship, or is that just an acknowledgment
Speaker 1: that we do feel shame. I really want to unpack that,
Speaker 1: because I think that that is really fascinating. I think
Speaker 1: that we can both recognize that there is a certain
Speaker 1: social and public stigma around singleness and still want to
Speaker 1: experience love and partnership. So we're going to discuss all
Speaker 1: of that and more after this shortbreak. Wanting to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship does not mean that you are abandoning yourself.
Speaker 1: I read that the other day, and I didn't really
Speaker 1: know how I felt about it. I think when you
Speaker 1: are someone who is single, especially in your twenties, in
Speaker 1: order to kind of replace that cognitive dissonance of perhaps
Speaker 1: wanting love and not being able to find it, we
Speaker 1: can create a very apathetic exterior.
Speaker 2: Maybe this is familiar to you, you know, that pattern
Speaker 2: of telling your friends, you know, I don't need anyone,
Speaker 2: and men are trash, and lover is a lie, and
Speaker 2: I'm never settling down and perhaps that's true and power
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 1: But what I've personally found is that deep down we
Speaker 1: kind of know we don't believe it, We kind of
Speaker 1: know that we do want to conform to that narrative.
Speaker 1: It's really an armor that we use to protect us
Speaker 1: from being hurt. Again, if we appear detached to others,
Speaker 1: perhaps we can convince ourselves and that we are, and
Speaker 1: we know that we can protect ourselves from being hurt.
Speaker 1: It can also be seen as kind of this protest
Speaker 1: against society's obsession with partnership and monogamy and that repetitive
Speaker 1: narrative that love is the point of living. But does
Speaker 1: craving that relationship, that partnership, does that inherently mean that
Speaker 1: you're not happy alone? Or is it something else? I
Speaker 1: want to discuss that because and firstly, I think it's
Speaker 1: absolutely okay and in fact, highly normal if you do
Speaker 1: dream of finding your person. I know that we have
Speaker 1: spoken a lot about the stigma to conform and the
Speaker 1: societal expectations, but sometimes it does just come down to
Speaker 1: some super rudimentary basic neuroscience. Humans rely subconsciously on others
Speaker 1: for security, We rely on them for recognition and love,
Speaker 1: and the presence of these things in our lives brings
Speaker 1: us an important psychological sense of comfort and safety. It
Speaker 1: kind of all derives from our innate human urge for belongingness,
Speaker 1: and when we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, for example,
Speaker 1: belongingness and intimate relationships are a critical psychological need that
Speaker 1: is required to be satisfied before we can reach self actualization,
Speaker 1: and a lack of belongingness, or a failure to maintain
Speaker 1: at least a minimum amount of lasting, positive and significant
Speaker 1: relationships can have an impact on our mental well being
Speaker 1: but also our ability to achieve our higher selves. There
Speaker 1: was this really amazing article in Psychology Today which I'll
Speaker 1: link in the show notes, and it really explains this
Speaker 1: quite well. It says that the need to belong goes
Speaker 1: beyond the need for superficial social ties or casual sexual connections.
Speaker 1: We want a profound bond, and when we feel that
Speaker 1: that is absent, we inherently feel like something is lacking
Speaker 1: from our lives and we feel unhappy. I also think,
Speaker 1: let's not get ourselves here. Love feels great. Scientifically, of course,
Speaker 1: we can talk about oxytocin, we can talk about zo
Speaker 1: For me, We can talk about serotonin, but it just
Speaker 1: feels really nice. It's also not the only thing that
Speaker 1: feels really nice, and it's not the only thing that
Speaker 1: can fulfill that psychological need for belongingness. There are so
Speaker 1: many other aspects of our lives that fit that profile,
Speaker 1: that match that requirement, you know, deep meaningful friendships and
Speaker 1: familial closeness and shared jokes and memories and platonic soulmates.
Speaker 1: I think the problem with desiring a relationship comes when
Speaker 1: we implicitly or unconsciously believe that a partner will replace
Speaker 1: our need for that more complex, diverse sense of belonging
Speaker 1: for example, you know, using a relationship as a band
Speaker 1: aid for loneliness. I think in some instances we do
Speaker 1: use romantic partners as kind of this symbolic proxy coping
Speaker 1: mechanism or distraction. And when that occurs, I think we
Speaker 1: see the greatest correlation to things like codependency, but also
Speaker 1: identity fusion. Identity fusion it normally relates to in group loyalty,
Speaker 1: but we can also examine it on an individual level.
Speaker 1: So it's this kind of visc psychological sense of a
Speaker 1: oneness with another person and what that can create and
Speaker 1: What that can cause is for us to entirely eliminate
Speaker 1: our own identity and sense of self in devotion to
Speaker 1: what is best for others or in this case, what
Speaker 1: is best for our relationship and what is best for
Speaker 1: our partner. When we feel a sense of unease in
Speaker 1: ourself or loneliness, perhaps a lack of personal fulfillment, we
Speaker 1: may find that we are more likely to choose people
Speaker 1: who can aid in that insecurity, who can make us
Speaker 1: feel loved, And the same can be said for low
Speaker 1: self esteem. When we don't feel confident enough, we use
Speaker 1: the validation of others, including love and attraction, as an
Speaker 1: alternative to the internal validation that we lack, and we
Speaker 1: can become dependent on that feeling. I always think that
Speaker 1: this kind of offers an explanation for those people who
Speaker 1: jump from one relationship to another as a coping mechanism
Speaker 1: rather than doing some of that deeper dirty work. That
Speaker 1: and I think the combined stigma of being single offers
Speaker 1: a pretty accurate explanation for why we stay in dead
Speaker 1: end relationships, or why we feel this urge to just
Speaker 1: like find someone and date them and be with them
Speaker 1: even when they don't actually enhance our lives. So that
Speaker 1: kind of leads me to the next question. In a
Speaker 1: society where marriage and monogamy are very enviable and they
Speaker 1: are placed on this pedestal, do we have to be
Speaker 1: completely healed before pursuing a relationship to kind of ensure
Speaker 1: that we're doing so for the right reasons, not just
Speaker 1: to meet some cultural or societal norm. I have a
Speaker 1: lot of opinions on this because I think there are
Speaker 1: two kind of camps or schools of thought. The first
Speaker 1: is that you need to heal completely before entering into
Speaker 1: a new relationship, and the second is that a re
Speaker 1: relationship in itself can be healing. I do believe that
Speaker 1: what you don't address when you are single, particularly around
Speaker 1: attachment issues and trust and understanding your values and standards,
Speaker 1: those conflicts and those kind of problems will show up
Speaker 1: in your next relationship. But that doesn't mean that you
Speaker 1: need to be completely perfect to pursue healthy connection. You
Speaker 1: just need to be cognizant of what triggers you, of
Speaker 1: what upsets you, and how you typically react to those triggers.
Speaker 1: For example, a common one we see with an anxious
Speaker 1: attachment style is a fear of abandonment, and that may
Speaker 1: manifest in extreme anxiety and pulling away at the slightest
Speaker 1: sign that someone is planning to leave you, even if
Speaker 1: it's as innocent as not replying to your messages straight away.
Speaker 1: I was actually talking to a good friend of mine
Speaker 1: about this the other day. We've both definitely been through
Speaker 1: the ringer, I would say, with a series of very
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable men, and as a result, I think both
Speaker 1: of us kind of have this tendency to have one
Speaker 1: foot out the door whenever we enter into a new relationship.
Speaker 1: For example, if you follow me on Instagram, you'll know this.
Speaker 1: But I've been dating a bit recently, and I've been
Speaker 1: going on a few dates with this guy and one
Speaker 1: night he was like, just letting you know I'm going
Speaker 1: to be really busy for the next few weeks. And
Speaker 1: my first thought was like, liar, I know what that means.
Speaker 1: And my second thought was like run ice amount block
Speaker 1: his number, which is an entirely disproportionate response to the situation.
Speaker 1: And I think because I understand this now, I was
Speaker 1: able to apply rationality and recognize that this is a
Speaker 1: learned behavior from myself. It doesn't mean that I am
Speaker 1: not deserving of a relationship. It doesn't mean that I
Speaker 1: am somehow flawed or not healed or not working on myself.
Speaker 1: It's just something that you have to be aware of.
Speaker 1: You know, you can want a real relationship and still
Speaker 1: be in the process of healing as long as you
Speaker 1: are a pursuing connections for the right reasons, not because
Speaker 1: of your self stigma or public stigma, and if you
Speaker 1: understand how your past experiences may create a pattern of
Speaker 1: behavior that is self sabotage. But there's also this question
Speaker 1: of standards right because as much as we do feel
Speaker 1: the pressure to settled down from literally every direction and
Speaker 1: we want to experience love, being able to identify whether
Speaker 1: that person is right for you or whether you're just
Speaker 1: settling because they are the first one to come along
Speaker 1: is crucial because I truly believe it is a thousand
Speaker 1: times better being single than being in the wrong relationship.
Speaker 1: The wrong relationship can do so much harm, but deliberately
Speaker 1: choosing to build a healthy relationship with yourself or to
Speaker 1: be self partnered, that really pays off in dividends. Being single,
Speaker 1: it can be stressful and it can be shameful at
Speaker 1: times because of what we've learned and what we've been taught,
Speaker 1: But so it can being with the wrong person or
Speaker 1: in a dysfunctional relationship. Maybe we've all heard the statistic
Speaker 1: that the happiest population group in the world is single women.
Speaker 1: But I think singleness offers so much more than just happiness.
Speaker 1: You know. A study published in the Journal of Marriage
Speaker 1: and Family. It found that single people exercise more and
Speaker 1: they are overall more physically healthy. And another study found
Speaker 1: that single people have a more diverse social circle, They
Speaker 1: are more attentive to their friends, they find that their
Speaker 1: friendships are more meaningful. And this one was really surprising,
Speaker 1: but single people also have the lowest rates of credit
Speaker 1: card debt, really interesting compared to married couples and couples
Speaker 1: with children, and we don't hear about those benefits. All
Speaker 1: we've been told to focus on is how lonely we
Speaker 1: should feel, how happy a relationship will make us, how
Speaker 1: much stronger we will be with someone by our side,
Speaker 1: And it seems that this may actually be a bit
Speaker 1: of a fallacy. I'm going to say it one more time.
Speaker 1: No one can make you feel bad about something that
Speaker 1: you feel secure in. And if you're feeling the pressure
Speaker 1: to settle down, just remember that there is going to
Speaker 1: be a time in your life when maybe you are married,
Speaker 1: or you're in a long term relationship, you live with
Speaker 1: this person, you see them every day. Maybe you have
Speaker 1: kids and they're sticky and they cry and they turn
Speaker 1: into children or teenagers who hate you, and you're going
Speaker 1: to make the same you know, Juni casserole every night.
Speaker 1: And in those moments, you are going to look back
Speaker 1: at this time in your life right now and wish
Speaker 1: that you could have just one more day of being single,
Speaker 1: one more day of being alone and getting to sleep
Speaker 1: in your own bed, by yourself and only being responsible
Speaker 1: for you. And that time is right now. That time,
Speaker 1: that one day you're going to look back on and
Speaker 1: be nostalgic for and wish that you were back there.
Speaker 1: That is right now, so cherish it. Additionally, when that
Speaker 1: love comes along, you will go into it so much stronger,
Speaker 1: with such a better sense of yourself. If you maintain
Speaker 1: your standards and you seek to elevate your life without
Speaker 1: a partner, and if that love doesn't come along, you'll
Speaker 1: feel more confident in your own abilities. You will have
Speaker 1: created a life that you love, and you will be
Speaker 1: okay with whatever shame or stigma or pressure society throws
Speaker 1: your way as much as these social influences, both those
Speaker 1: close to us in terms of our family and our friends,
Speaker 1: but also those more macro social influences like the media,
Speaker 1: like television, try to convince us that we are only
Speaker 1: valuable if we are in a relationship, that that is
Speaker 1: like the hallmark of happiness. We all can kind of
Speaker 1: recognize that maybe that's not true, that maybe that's not
Speaker 1: something that everyone aspires for, and that a life is
Speaker 1: just as beautiful on your own, in fact, sometimes maybe
Speaker 1: even more so, and it's also a lot more beautiful
Speaker 1: than if you were to conform and settle down just
Speaker 1: because of that self and public stigma. That's an important
Speaker 1: thing to remember, especially when we do feel that implicit
Speaker 1: shame bubbles to the surface and we do feel like
Speaker 1: we have to just pick someone and be with them
Speaker 1: for the rest of our life. No, no, that's totally
Speaker 1: not what we should do. We are still so young.
Speaker 1: But also life has so much more to offer than marriage,
Speaker 1: and so much more to offer than partnership, and we
Speaker 1: should value that just as highly as those things. We
Speaker 1: should value the to adventure and explore and be alone
Speaker 1: and know ourselves just as much as we value the
Speaker 1: concept of monogamy. I hope that if you are someone
Speaker 1: who is single and maybe you're feeling a little bit
Speaker 1: down about it, maybe you're feeling like somehow you are
Speaker 1: less than that there's something wrong with you, that this
Speaker 1: kind of helps you out. I hope you understand better
Speaker 1: now why it is you feel that way. It's not
Speaker 1: your fault. It's not because you are innately flawed. It's
Speaker 1: because of this huge, massive construction around the idea of
Speaker 1: singleness and also the idea of partnership. It was so
Speaker 1: important to me to do this episode. I think it's
Speaker 1: something that I personally have been thinking about a lot
Speaker 1: because of like the context and kind of my social relationships.
Speaker 1: So I hope you found it just as valuable as
Speaker 1: I did. I hope it helped you out. As always,
Speaker 1: if there is someone in your life who needs to
Speaker 1: hear this episode, who maybe going through a bit of
Speaker 1: self stigma or shame at the moment, please do feel
Speaker 1: free to share it along get them to listen. Also,
Speaker 1: if you feel called to do so, please feel free
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review wherever you are listening
Speaker 1: right now. I read every single one of them. They
Speaker 1: really make my day. Also, also, oh my god, so
Speaker 1: many alsos. I have a Patreon coming out in two weeks.
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about it more on next week's episode,
Speaker 1: but keep your eye out. So many of you have
Speaker 1: been asking of ways that you can support me. That
Speaker 1: is so beautiful and meaningful, and I'm so grateful that
Speaker 1: you guys value what I'm doing. So keep your ears
Speaker 1: out and follow me on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast
Speaker 1: to be the first to know when things like that happen,
Speaker 1: or if you want to suggest a topic, if there's
Speaker 1: something you're going through and you want to hear some
Speaker 1: of the psychology behind it, follow me over there and
Speaker 1: shoot me a message. I love hearing from you guys,
Speaker 1: as all always. We will be back next week with
Speaker 1: another episode, and remember being single is not a crime.
Speaker 1: You are going to be okay. I will talk to
Speaker 1: you soon