Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have
Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're covering a
Speaker 1: really valuable idea in psychology and one that has become
Speaker 1: increasingly i would say, more recognized. Maybe you've seen it
Speaker 1: on your TikTok on Instagram, in the news. It's this
Speaker 1: idea of hyper independence. I am so fascinated by this
Speaker 1: concept because I think is possibly one of the most
Speaker 1: celebrated traits in our society, particularly in Western cultures. We
Speaker 1: love the idea of people who are self made, who
Speaker 1: pay their own bills, who solo travel, who appear like
Speaker 1: they don't need anyone but themselves, And I think a
Speaker 1: healthy level of independence and self confidence is amazing. It's
Speaker 1: something that we should all strive for. But when it
Speaker 1: goes too far, we enter the territory of hyper independence.
Speaker 1: This is this extreme discomfort around allowing others to help
Speaker 1: us to step into our lives and maybe make it easier.
Speaker 1: We become so invested in our self reliance and our
Speaker 1: self sufficiency that we push others away and we self isolate.
Speaker 1: A lot of the research nowadays says that hyperindependence is
Speaker 1: actually a trauma response or a survival trait that a
Speaker 1: lot of us have adopted due to early childhood experiences
Speaker 1: feeling like we needed to grow up way too quickly,
Speaker 1: or being consistently let down by others, particularly our caregivers,
Speaker 1: but also romantic partners or friends. These experiences are so
Speaker 1: distressing that we turn to extreme independence to avoid having
Speaker 1: to rely on others or trust them out of that
Speaker 1: fear of being hurt or let down, and a lot
Speaker 1: of the time I think society somewhat encourages this behavior
Speaker 1: without realizing what it actually means. This has so many
Speaker 1: complex interactions with how we pursue relationships, how we approach
Speaker 1: our work. It may come as no surprise that people
Speaker 1: who are hyper independent are more likely to be seen
Speaker 1: as overachievers, but also how we experience love and trust.
Speaker 1: It's also really interesting because hyper independent people are actually
Speaker 1: more likely to seek out codependent partnerships, which if you
Speaker 1: listened to our episode on this you'll know is equally
Speaker 1: as complex and maladaptive. It really goes to show how
Speaker 1: much our attachment influences the people that we choose to
Speaker 1: be with, not just romantically, but the friends we choose
Speaker 1: to have our relationships with family. So today I want
Speaker 1: to talk about the role of hyperindependence as a trauma
Speaker 1: response and explore some of the origins of this behavior,
Speaker 1: from emotional neglect to parentification, abandonment, and early relationship experiences
Speaker 1: of course, but also the role of individualism and cultural expectations.
Speaker 1: We're also going to dive into how we can achieve
Speaker 1: a healthy level of independence through exposure, therapy and inner
Speaker 1: child healing, an all time favorite of mine. As we know,
Speaker 1: this is a jam packed episode, but I will admit
Speaker 1: some of the research and studies have definitely called me
Speaker 1: out and really made me pause and examine perhaps some
Speaker 1: of my own hyperindependent tendencies. I think you'll be surprised
Speaker 1: by how many of us actually fit this profile. So
Speaker 1: without further ado, we are going to explore the psychology
Speaker 1: of hyperindependence in our twenties and how we can recognize
Speaker 1: this behavior and heal. So let's get into it. We
Speaker 1: typically see independence as a great thing, a really admirable
Speaker 1: asset or personality trait, especially in our twenties, when I
Speaker 1: think independence is something we're all striving for, to be
Speaker 1: separate from our parents, to be creating our own identity,
Speaker 1: building our own unique path. A lot of the positive
Speaker 1: associations we see attached to this are really valid. To
Speaker 1: be independent is to be self sufficient, have a healthy
Speaker 1: sense of your identity. You pay your own bills, you
Speaker 1: take care of yourself, you don't rely on others for
Speaker 1: emotional reassurance. That's something that I think we can all
Speaker 1: get behind. However, too much of a good thing can
Speaker 1: sometimes be bad for us, and with anything that is
Speaker 1: excessive or unbalanced, when independence goes too far, perhaps due
Speaker 1: to a trauma response or early learning experiences, we have
Speaker 1: this hyperindependence, or what we also call counter dependency. When
Speaker 1: we are hyper independent, we have a drive to need
Speaker 1: no one and a fear of depending on people. At
Speaker 1: the heart of which is this inability to trust or
Speaker 1: a genuine fear of intimacy. Hyper independence. It's more than
Speaker 1: just self reliance. It's this unwavering insistence on autonomy. These
Speaker 1: kinds of people, they are unwilling to or maybe unable
Speaker 1: to depend on others. We want to do everything alone.
Speaker 1: We have been implicitly taught that we cannot trust others,
Speaker 1: so we push those close, vulnerable relationships away. We refuse
Speaker 1: help or assistance, both emotional and physical. Importantly, I think
Speaker 1: there's a crucial caveat here hyper independence. It's not a
Speaker 1: diagnosable mental health condition. It's a stress response, more often
Speaker 1: than not, triggered by exposure to ongoing or acute distress
Speaker 1: or some kind of emotionally charged situation. So how does
Speaker 1: that kind of show up in our behaviors in our
Speaker 1: everyday lives? Are There are five kear signs or indicators
Speaker 1: of hyper independence that I want to discuss. Firstly, it
Speaker 1: feels really uncomfortable or unnatural for you to ask for help,
Speaker 1: specifically due to this fear of being a burden. Hyperindependence
Speaker 1: creates this sense that anything we need we should be
Speaker 1: able to do for ourselves. If you're feeling sad and upset,
Speaker 1: we can take care of that. We can sell sooth,
Speaker 1: we can manage it. If we need help moving or
Speaker 1: building furniture, we can't ask for help because it may
Speaker 1: burden someone else. And what does that say about our
Speaker 1: own abilities and our ability to take care of ourselves,
Speaker 1: you know, for struggling financially. Even if we need extra assistance,
Speaker 1: we're not going to ask for that. We're going to
Speaker 1: get another job or budget excessively. Not only does asking
Speaker 1: for help feel entirely unnatural, it's actually really uncomfortable because
Speaker 1: it contradicts this identity that we've built on being entirely
Speaker 1: self reliant. Emotionally, we may have difficulty with vulnerability and trust,
Speaker 1: and therefore have limited emotionally close relationships. Vulnerability requires asking
Speaker 1: for help. Trust means believing that someone has your best
Speaker 1: interests at heart and will fulfill your needs, none of
Speaker 1: which aligns with our self image as an independent person.
Speaker 1: There's this voice in the back of our head saying
Speaker 1: I really don't need anyone. I can do this alone.
Speaker 1: And that voice comes from a fear of being hurt.
Speaker 1: And so we use hyperindependence to protect us from intimacy
Speaker 1: and vulnerability, and that's going to require us to open
Speaker 1: up to someone else. I think it's no surprise that,
Speaker 1: especially in romantic relationships, come from previous experiences with betrayal,
Speaker 1: maybe due to cheating or lying, even heartbreak. So after
Speaker 1: those experiences because they are so unpleasant, our brains go
Speaker 1: the complete opposite direction. If love and intimacy, if relying
Speaker 1: on someone else brings pain, well, then relying only on
Speaker 1: myself brings liberation. It brings peace. We know, though, that
Speaker 1: that's not always true. This links to the next indicator,
Speaker 1: which is that you naturally close yourself off to others
Speaker 1: and you're suspicious when people try and get close. That
Speaker 1: suspicion or hostility may actually be because you don't actually
Speaker 1: trust yourself. What if someone does provide you with something
Speaker 1: you can't give yourself. What if they do fulfill some
Speaker 1: unmet need and then they leave and you can no
Speaker 1: longer fulfill that need yourself. The whole system kind of
Speaker 1: falls apart, the whole self concept. You can no longer
Speaker 1: solely trust yourself, and so you make it impossible for
Speaker 1: anyone to ever get close enough to challenge that belief system.
Speaker 1: That emotional withdrawal is a massive indicator of hyperindependence. The
Speaker 1: fourth indicator is that you're an overachiever or a workaholic.
Speaker 1: Your performance and success works to further support the belief
Speaker 1: that your hyperindependence is a good thing because it correlates
Speaker 1: with productivity and output. It could also be that you
Speaker 1: struggle to delegate because you don't trust others, or maybe
Speaker 1: you focus on your career or academics because you're scared
Speaker 1: to let yourself have a life outside of those things.
Speaker 1: You keep yourself preoccupied because you want to have that
Speaker 1: excuse to cancel plants and a pretty socially admirable excuse
Speaker 1: as well, to not spend time with loved ones or
Speaker 1: to be by yourself for long periods of time, and
Speaker 1: academics and your careers they're a really great excuse because
Speaker 1: it's very socially acceptable. But what it's concealing is that
Speaker 1: you're actually avoiding situations that require dependence or asking for
Speaker 1: help and letting people in. And finally, if it's not
Speaker 1: already obvious, you prefer to do things alone and on
Speaker 1: your own schedule, and you find that other people slow
Speaker 1: you down. You don't want to wait for others. You're
Speaker 1: on the girl's trip, no one else wants to come
Speaker 1: with you to the museum or whatever. Not only does
Speaker 1: that not bother you, but you prefer it. It's like
Speaker 1: a sigh of relief. And I think sometimes this comes
Speaker 1: off as arrogance or even introversion, which it isn't. It's
Speaker 1: a trauma response to push others away and be self
Speaker 1: contained because you have learnt that you can only rely
Speaker 1: on yourself and you don't want to be dissipate pointed
Speaker 1: by those close to you. But when you isolate yourself,
Speaker 1: you're also repressing your emotions and neglecting your needs. You
Speaker 1: may believe that your hyperindependence is keeping you safe, but
Speaker 1: those close to you, those who care about you deeply,
Speaker 1: they want to be able to reach out. We understand
Speaker 1: that community is valuable, and when you create that distance,
Speaker 1: it really puts you in a place of solitude. We're
Speaker 1: going to discuss that in just a second, but if
Speaker 1: you relate to these signs, it may be indicative of hyperindependence.
Speaker 1: It's important to remember that it is a spectrum. Though
Speaker 1: independence is good, but when it comes at the expense
Speaker 1: of healthy, meaningful relationships, of trust, of asking for help,
Speaker 1: that is when it's in the territory of hyperindependence or counterdependency.
Speaker 1: This is in contrast to codependency, in which we see
Speaker 1: many people have this unhealthy need for approval and love
Speaker 1: and comfort of someone else to feel secure, while someone
Speaker 1: who is hyperindependent focuses on securing their own needs, sometimes
Speaker 1: at their jetriment and becoming entirely self sufficient. Someone who
Speaker 1: is codependent will consistently place the needs of others above
Speaker 1: their own in order to satisfy that deep desire to
Speaker 1: be attached to another person. We did a whole episode
Speaker 1: on this you know this kind of dynamic a little
Speaker 1: while back. But interestingly, something I didn't mention is that
Speaker 1: the independent behavior of hyperindependent people can actually be highly
Speaker 1: attractive to people who are codependent, because it provides a
Speaker 1: sense of security and structure and self sufficiency that they
Speaker 1: lack and are therefore craving. However, once in a relationship,
Speaker 1: if one was to form between a hyper dependent person
Speaker 1: and a codependent person, sometimes we see this actual this
Speaker 1: role reversal. No one quite knows why. There are a
Speaker 1: couple of theories out there that what these people are
Speaker 1: really looking for is the comfort of an opposite someone
Speaker 1: who can allow them to relinquish the control that either
Speaker 1: their codependence or hyperindependence has given them. The partner offers
Speaker 1: everything they cannot offer themselves, represents what they cannot offer themselves,
Speaker 1: and in order to kind of ignite a romance, they
Speaker 1: attempt to emulate that other person's behavior, leading to this
Speaker 1: kind of dynamic shift regardless. I think both hyperindependence and
Speaker 1: codependence are what we would call maladaptive. We're specifically focusing
Speaker 1: on hyper independence in this episode, and the reason psychologists
Speaker 1: and therapists see this behavioral pattern as particularly unhealthy is
Speaker 1: that we all still have some basic need for social
Speaker 1: connection and trust and vulnerability. That need does not disappear
Speaker 1: regardless of how much we try and actively suppress this instinct,
Speaker 1: and so there's this element of our emotional and mental
Speaker 1: wellbeing that is not fulfilled, a need that we're kind
Speaker 1: of subconsciously denying ourselves because we value independence and we
Speaker 1: value being able to detach from others and kind of
Speaker 1: burrow into our own thoughts and our own feelings. I
Speaker 1: think it's interesting because people who are hyper independent are
Speaker 1: often very attached to this aspect of their identity. What's
Speaker 1: also true, though, is that these people still experience really
Speaker 1: profound loneliness, They experience poor self esteem, and their relationships
Speaker 1: often lack that emotional intimacy. I think hyper independency really
Speaker 1: shares a lot of commonalities with emotional unavailability in this way,
Speaker 1: but not because these individuals don't want to be close
Speaker 1: to others. But because they cannot give up that self sufficiency.
Speaker 1: Studies have shown that this kind of behavior likely stems
Speaker 1: from a few core experiences, particularly childhood trauma that has
Speaker 1: taught us to trust ourselves and only ourselves to get
Speaker 1: through life. Often, that mistrust comes from a place of
Speaker 1: deep hurt that has taught us this fallacy that no
Speaker 1: one can be trusted with our happiness or welfare. There
Speaker 1: are three distinct types of trauma that it may be
Speaker 1: in response to, and that I want to focus on.
Speaker 1: The first is emotional neglect, parentification, and abandonment. As children,
Speaker 1: we have a lot of emotional needs, physical needs, social needs,
Speaker 1: mental needs that need to be fulfilled in order for
Speaker 1: our brains to develop and our social skills as well.
Speaker 1: When our caregivers, normally our parents don't sufficiently respond to
Speaker 1: those needs by shutting down our emotions by a failure
Speaker 1: to provide encouragement or emotional unavailability, being totally absent, being
Speaker 1: overly busy, or just not showing up for us when
Speaker 1: they said that they would. Children learn that people are unreliable.
Speaker 1: Studies have shown that when we experience this kind of neglect,
Speaker 1: there are reduced levels of oxytocin in the brain. This
Speaker 1: is incredibly valuable for organizing our neural circuits, especially in
Speaker 1: response to recognizing and being able to respond to emotions
Speaker 1: and social bonding. So as a result, children who are
Speaker 1: raised in an environment where their caregivers do not provide
Speaker 1: them with the right amount of emotional stimulation for oxytocin release,
Speaker 1: they are more at risk of emotional detachment and emotional impairment.
Speaker 1: Perhaps contributing to this hyper independency from a social learning perspective,
Speaker 1: this child also learns that their emotional needs will not
Speaker 1: be met unless they meet them themselves, and that others
Speaker 1: will inherently disappoint them, leading once again to hyperindependence. Similar
Speaker 1: to this is what we call parentification. So this occurs
Speaker 1: when the role of the parent and the child is
Speaker 1: almost reversed, such that a child takes on the role
Speaker 1: of parent. They provide their parents with an unnatural level
Speaker 1: of emotional support. Maybe they have to worry about money,
Speaker 1: they're responsible for taking care of their siblings, keeping the
Speaker 1: house clean, worrying how they'll get to school. All the
Speaker 1: child is forced to take on this role of mediator
Speaker 1: or a confidant for a parent. This is most often
Speaker 1: seen with the first born and in certain cultures, normally
Speaker 1: the firstborn daughter because they are the ones who are
Speaker 1: more conditioned to be the emotional anchor for the family.
Speaker 1: Sometimes parents don't realize that they have made their child
Speaker 1: their parents, and they're not realizing the burden that this
Speaker 1: places on their children. More often than not, it's generational.
Speaker 1: And actually we see this a lot with people whose
Speaker 1: parents have gone through a divorce, especially if the divorce
Speaker 1: was hostile. The children end up becoming the messengers for
Speaker 1: either party, and they're kind of exposed to a developmentally
Speaker 1: inappropriate level of emotional responsibility, and they feel like they
Speaker 1: have to give up their needs, particularly their need for
Speaker 1: emotional security and stability, for the sake of their parents'
Speaker 1: well being. That is so hard on our young brains,
Speaker 1: and we unconsciously adopt this parental level of responsibility. We
Speaker 1: grow up way too quickly, and as a response to that,
Speaker 1: in response to that environment, we become hyper independent as
Speaker 1: a coping mechanism, as a trauma response to our circumstances.
Speaker 1: To protect our young brains, to respond to our environment appropriately,
Speaker 1: to kind of keep the peace, you become the parent,
Speaker 1: You become the adult way too young. Finally, we have abandonment.
Speaker 1: When we are let down by the people who are
Speaker 1: meant to care for us, we learn to become self
Speaker 1: sufficient in order to survive, but be to not be disappointed.
Speaker 1: That's where this idea of hyperindependence as a trauma response
Speaker 1: really comes from. A trauma response in psychology, it's an
Speaker 1: emotional response to an event or a series of events
Speaker 1: that injure our sense of security. I think there's this
Speaker 1: conception that these have to be incredibly intense and catastrophic,
Speaker 1: like a war, a serious death or injury. That's not true.
Speaker 1: Things like emotional abuse, neglect, They leave just as permanent
Speaker 1: psychological scars. Also, our brains are all incredibly unique. I
Speaker 1: always say this, but it's worth a reminder. Trauma is subjective,
Speaker 1: and when we experience a traumatic event that is particularly
Speaker 1: triggering or damaging for us, our body and our mind
Speaker 1: responds by entering survival mode. This is also called our
Speaker 1: fight flight of freeze response. The mind is going to
Speaker 1: wait till after the danger has passed to try and
Speaker 1: find a way to explain that event and neatly tie
Speaker 1: all together or consolidate what you've experienced. When it cannot
Speaker 1: do that, when it cannot find an explanation or a
Speaker 1: place for that memory to be in our brains. We
Speaker 1: experience those lingering impacts and a sense of distress or
Speaker 1: impaired behavioral patterns such as this self sufficiency. It's also
Speaker 1: possible to have what we would call a delayed emotional response.
Speaker 1: Maybe in the years that have followed, perhaps your parents'
Speaker 1: divorce or the neglect, you didn't notice your hyperindependence. But
Speaker 1: then you enter into your first relationship, or you start
Speaker 1: dating and begin to recognize some of those signs that
Speaker 1: we talked about before. This is I think, especially the
Speaker 1: case if the relationship mimics the dynamic that you had
Speaker 1: with your parents. Perhaps this person never shows up for you,
Speaker 1: they're emotionally unavailable, or they do something that breaks your trust.
Speaker 1: This just reinforces all of that childhood learning, and it
Speaker 1: can result in delayed hyper independency. The opposite's also true.
Speaker 1: Someone showers you and love and affection. They consistently show
Speaker 1: up in your life. They celebrate you. They provide security
Speaker 1: that can be equally scary because you've learned to do
Speaker 1: things alone. You have adopted this mentality that you don't
Speaker 1: need anyone. So the love shown by this person causes
Speaker 1: you to really question everything, and it makes you scared
Speaker 1: because it's not the truth that you've accepted. It's not
Speaker 1: the reality that you know. I think it takes a
Speaker 1: lot from us to give up our hyperindependence because for
Speaker 1: so long it has protected us. But what does that
Speaker 1: kind of come at the expense of So I really
Speaker 1: want to discuss that next, specifically the long term consequences
Speaker 1: of hyperindependence, as well as some of the maintaining factors,
Speaker 1: specifically around the role of culture and social psychology. So
Speaker 1: all of that and more in just a second. So far,
Speaker 1: we've explored what causes hyperindependence to emerge, especially as it
Speaker 1: relates to a trauma response, but I also want to
Speaker 1: look at some of the maintaining factors as well as
Speaker 1: the psychology behind I guess, the healing work and the
Speaker 1: way that we can move forward. One of the biggest
Speaker 1: factors that exacerbates hyperindependency is culture and societal context. In psychology,
Speaker 1: we have this distinction between individualistic and collectivist cultures. In
Speaker 1: a collectivist society, the needs of the group are more important,
Speaker 1: and people, I guess, we're often asked to sacrifice individual
Speaker 1: benefits for the collective good. Their identity and the group
Speaker 1: identity are equally valuable. However, in individualistic societies, what matters
Speaker 1: most is individual success, is freedom and independence. Societies with
Speaker 1: this kind of individualistic culture, we kind of we treat
Speaker 1: people as autonomous and we prioritize personal gain and uniqueness.
Speaker 1: And in these types of societies, such as the US,
Speaker 1: the UK, Australia, many Western societies, hyperindependence is often overlooked
Speaker 1: and rarely challenged because people are allowed to exist as unique,
Speaker 1: self reliant humans without challenging kind of the group dynamic
Speaker 1: and the general good. We see this a lot, especially
Speaker 1: with the Western idea of exceptionalism, in which devoting every
Speaker 1: hour of our life to our career, neglecting personal relationships,
Speaker 1: not asking for help that is seen as admirable. But
Speaker 1: we also know so that that is very much maladaptive.
Speaker 1: Whilst this response or behavioral pattern may leave you feeling
Speaker 1: safe and secure because you're not challenged by vulnerability or
Speaker 1: close relationships, what drives this hyperindependency is an avoidance mindset,
Speaker 1: avoiding intimacy, avoiding trust, avoiding vulnerability, avoiding help, avoiding company.
Speaker 1: And whilst we may have kind of superficially positive relationships
Speaker 1: because we fundamentally do not trust others, that we are
Speaker 1: unable to form those long term, meaningful partnerships even in marriages.
Speaker 1: I saw this really interesting fact someone who is counterdependent
Speaker 1: or hyperindependent. They will continue to hide core aspects of
Speaker 1: their emotions. They will resist asking for assistance, and will
Speaker 1: be reluctant to open up even from someone that they've married.
Speaker 1: They're going to avoid situations requiring deep emotional connection because
Speaker 1: that requires the possibility of being hurt, That requires the
Speaker 1: possibility of challenging this belief that maybe they are not
Speaker 1: self sufficient, that maybe they can't do everything on their own.
Speaker 1: I think we can all see how this can create
Speaker 1: a pretty unfulfilling life, especially since we are social beings.
Speaker 1: We have evolved around this idea of community, around this
Speaker 1: idea of a social structure that helps others. You know, relationships,
Speaker 1: by nature are also interdependent. So to have successful long
Speaker 1: term relationships, some aspect of our hyperindependence is going to
Speaker 1: have to be relinquished. So let's discuss some of the
Speaker 1: ways that psychology and therapy might help us heal this
Speaker 1: tendency and restore a healthy level of independence or a
Speaker 1: healthy level of dependence on others. Yes, we're going to
Speaker 1: discuss three tips. Firstly, addressing trust issues and attachment style,
Speaker 1: the value of inner child healing and recognizing what triggers
Speaker 1: you and when you need help. Addressing trust issues and
Speaker 1: attachment style, it involves understanding that interplay between our past
Speaker 1: experiences and our current emotional patterns. Trust issues, simply put,
Speaker 1: are this persistent lack of confidence and faith in others.
Speaker 1: They are a fear response and they can't be challenged overnight, sadly,
Speaker 1: but they can be through a gradual process of exposure
Speaker 1: to situations that may trigger your hyperindependency, specifically emotionally vulnerable situations,
Speaker 1: times when you need to ask for help, combined with
Speaker 1: positive reward and calming techniques. Invention is actually mainly used
Speaker 1: in treating phobias. It's called exposure therapy and it involves
Speaker 1: a gradual exposure to an event that creates anxiety at
Speaker 1: small levels, and we increase the anxiety it creates over
Speaker 1: time whilst combining it with something positive, whilst combining it
Speaker 1: with calming exercises so that that stress response, so that
Speaker 1: hyperindependency is not triggered. So this could involve slowly sharing
Speaker 1: personal experiences, delegating responsibility or relying on someone for support.
Speaker 1: Every time these experiences go well, every time you learn
Speaker 1: that you can trust those around you that they will
Speaker 1: show up. That life is maybe easier if you let
Speaker 1: people in. You unloan those lessons and that trauma that
Speaker 1: has convinced you that self sufficiency is the only way
Speaker 1: to get through life. But it's also important that we
Speaker 1: don't go too far. Like we spoke of before, hyper
Speaker 1: independent people are often more attracted to people who are
Speaker 1: codependent because they like the responsibility of managing the relationship
Speaker 1: and feeling like they can be autonomous because the other
Speaker 1: person won't question them. That codependent person just wants to
Speaker 1: make you happy. We're working towards interdependency here, not codependence.
Speaker 1: So it's important to make sure that you recognize what
Speaker 1: your kind of boundaries are, that you can still say no,
Speaker 1: so that you don't swing in the opposite direction. I
Speaker 1: think emotional extremes are also a massive indicator of a
Speaker 1: trauma responsor of hyperindependency. So making sure that you're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this relationship I might be going a little bit too far.
Speaker 1: Maybe I have just decided to attach myself to one
Speaker 1: person because I can trust them. That's like hyper independency,
Speaker 1: like spicy hyperindependency, almost like you're still hyperindependent plus one
Speaker 1: plus this one additional person. We also know that one
Speaker 1: of the root causes of hyperindependency is having to grow
Speaker 1: up too quickly. You've become an adult way before your time.
Speaker 1: So to heal the current version of ourselves, the hyperindependent
Speaker 1: version of ourselves, we also need to heal those previous
Speaker 1: versions that includes our younger childhood self. This is where
Speaker 1: inner child healing becomes really useful. The essential premise is
Speaker 1: that we have all experienced hurt in some way, and
Speaker 1: in order to heal our adult emotional scars and beliefs,
Speaker 1: we need to get back to those foundational experiences that
Speaker 1: we had as children, and we need to begin treating
Speaker 1: ourselves as if we are the parent, as if we
Speaker 1: are caring for that childhood version of us. It goes
Speaker 1: by another name, and that's called reparenting, and I think
Speaker 1: that's the crucial idea here. We have to be the
Speaker 1: parent that we always deserved or whether you had a
Speaker 1: healthy example of what that should look like or not,
Speaker 1: and by loving this version of us unconditionally, by deliberately
Speaker 1: and consciously healing them, giving them, perhaps what we did
Speaker 1: not have as children. We address the things that we
Speaker 1: most want to change about our adult selves. There are
Speaker 1: a few ways that we can do this that are
Speaker 1: specific to the emotional wounds most attached to hyperindependency, so
Speaker 1: emotional neglect and parentification, also abandonment. Firstly, engage in play.
Speaker 1: Give yourself the opportunity to be childlike, especially if that
Speaker 1: ability and that opportunity was taken away from from you
Speaker 1: when you were younger. Watch movies from your childhood, Go
Speaker 1: on the swings, make fairy bread, pull out a board game,
Speaker 1: some uno cards, Buy yourself something ridiculous and fluffy, a
Speaker 1: toy or chocolate Sunday, just because you want to let
Speaker 1: yourself have those innocent childhood experiences that maybe you were
Speaker 1: not allowed to have or when you were younger. Secondly,
Speaker 1: is to be messy and to be vulnerable. Allow yourself
Speaker 1: to cry openly, to not always check everything off your
Speaker 1: to do list. Make space for the mistakes that you
Speaker 1: weren't allowed to make in childhood. That is essentially saying
Speaker 1: I did not get the opportunity perhaps to make mistakes.
Speaker 1: I had to be on guard, I had to be
Speaker 1: self reliant, I had to look after others, and so
Speaker 1: all of that innocence, all of that freedom, all of
Speaker 1: that room to be messy and vulnerable. Those were experiences
Speaker 1: that perhaps I didn't have when I was younger, that
Speaker 1: I'm going to recreate and give myself as an adult.
Speaker 1: I think also, when you feel you're inner child seeking
Speaker 1: out love, especially when you feel loneliness or longing, give
Speaker 1: them what they crave. Not for your current self, not
Speaker 1: for that version of yourself that might be really scared,
Speaker 1: but for that inner child who needs you to have
Speaker 1: their best interests at heart. Reach out to a friend,
Speaker 1: even if it's difficult, ask for help, because that's what
Speaker 1: your inner child needs. It might not be what you
Speaker 1: think you need, but you're not the focus here. It's
Speaker 1: about what that inner version, that childhood version of yourself needs.
Speaker 1: And practice radical self compassion. We talk about this quite
Speaker 1: a bit on the show because it is so powerful
Speaker 1: when you find that you've failed, when you've been rejected,
Speaker 1: when you feel unhappy with yourself, of take note of
Speaker 1: your inner dialogue and self talk and imagine that your
Speaker 1: five year old self is sitting in front of you
Speaker 1: right now and you're saying those things to them. You
Speaker 1: would not yell at this five year old version of you.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't tell them that they're useless, that they're worthless,
Speaker 1: that they're stupid. So why would you say these things
Speaker 1: to yourself? Now? I think that when we become conscious
Speaker 1: of the fact that this version of us still exists,
Speaker 1: needs to be reparented, needs to be protected, our approach
Speaker 1: to our current versions of ourselves become a lot more
Speaker 1: fulfilling and a lot more peaceful and gentle. Finally, I
Speaker 1: would say, recognize what triggers your hyperindependency, and I think
Speaker 1: in those moments, those are the times you most need
Speaker 1: to ask for help. We have to remember hyperindependence is
Speaker 1: a traumorous so it's often going to be activated during
Speaker 1: times of excessive stress or emotional intensity, when our mind
Speaker 1: resorts to that deeply ingrained coping mechanism, because in the
Speaker 1: past it's proved that it worked, even if it's at
Speaker 1: the expense of your long term wellbeing. But it's your
Speaker 1: job to replace this behavior with a more positive one
Speaker 1: and recognize what kind of situations are catalysts for you
Speaker 1: shunning assistance, for you isolating yourself. Maybe that's an argument
Speaker 1: with a partner or a friend. Maybe it's when someone
Speaker 1: says they're really busy. Maybe it's when someone doesn't show
Speaker 1: up for you, when you know that you're going to isolate,
Speaker 1: go out instead, or ask others to join you whilst
Speaker 1: you're studying or you're busy at work, or when you
Speaker 1: know you're going to be maybe hostile towards others and
Speaker 1: you feel this urge to push them away, let them in,
Speaker 1: let them know what you're going through. When you need help,
Speaker 1: ask for it, even if it's not from someone in
Speaker 1: your life, maybe it's from a neighbor or even someone online.
Speaker 1: It's all about those small steps. As we always say,
Speaker 1: you've got to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Speaker 1: Your future self is going to thank you for breaking
Speaker 1: out of this pattern. I guess the final reminder for
Speaker 1: the day is that hyperindependence is going to convince you
Speaker 1: that being alone, doing things alone is better, is safe,
Speaker 1: is secure. But that is not always the case. And
Speaker 1: like I said, we evolved around this idea of interdependency
Speaker 1: and community. It's important to know that it's not your fault.
Speaker 1: I guess like this comes from traumatic experiences, it comes
Speaker 1: from emotional neglect or events that caused you to grow
Speaker 1: up way too quickly and learn that you could not
Speaker 1: trust others. But as we get older, it's also important
Speaker 1: to revisit some of those childhood or early patterns of
Speaker 1: behavior that have continued with us into adulthood and check
Speaker 1: in with ourselves to see if they're still doing what
Speaker 1: we need them to do, if they are still what
Speaker 1: is best for us in this current state of life.
Speaker 1: So I think that that is all we have time
Speaker 1: for today. I really hope that this episode kind of
Speaker 1: provide you with a better understanding of this. I love
Speaker 1: seeing tiktoks and Instagram videos and whatnot around psychological concepts,
Speaker 1: but I do often think that it ignores some of
Speaker 1: the deeper understanding that we need. So hopefully this provided
Speaker 1: you a little bit of that. And if you ask
Speaker 1: someone who is listening to this, being like, damn, this
Speaker 1: really called me out. I think that I am hyper independent.
Speaker 1: Well now you have some steps, Now you have some
Speaker 1: ideas of where to go from here. Definitely left me
Speaker 1: a bit shook. When I read some of the research
Speaker 1: specifically around the attraction to codependent people, I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: that describes every relationship I've ever had. So you're not
Speaker 1: in this boat alone. But I do really hope that
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please feel free
Speaker 1: to share it with a friend, share it forward with
Speaker 1: someone who you think might need to hear this, who
Speaker 1: you think might enjoy it. As always, please feel free
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify
Speaker 1: wherever you are listening right now and read every single review.
Speaker 1: And I just love seeing the community grow and seeing
Speaker 1: there are new people finding this show every single day.
Speaker 1: So if that's you, welcome, Welcome. If this is your
Speaker 1: first episode, and if you have an episode suggestion, if
Speaker 1: you just want to see when things are coming out,
Speaker 1: please follow me at that Psychology podcast. And I also
Speaker 1: have a Patreon, the Psychology of Your Twenties. If you
Speaker 1: want to support this, go a little bit more and
Speaker 1: support the kind of content that I'm putting out. We
Speaker 1: will be back next week with another episode. See you then,