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Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact
Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3: What's time, Judy, do?
Speaker 4: Look around? Shine?
Speaker 1: I grew up around girls. I have a sister, Margaret,
Speaker 1: and my closest friends were my female cousins, Sharon and Vivian.
Speaker 1: We chase each other around the house, shrieking, playing Nintendo incessantly,
Speaker 1: and as you heard re enact The Little Mermaid. I
Speaker 1: was obsessed with this movie. I'm like six or seven.
Speaker 1: It's the first film I've ever seen in theaters, and
Speaker 1: I'm riveted by this redheaded mermaid. And I also know
Speaker 1: that that's not something I should be proud of, not
Speaker 1: because anyone sits me down to tell me that. But
Speaker 1: I just pick up that like most other boys my
Speaker 1: age are not singing to the Little Mermaid. They're outside
Speaker 1: playing baseball, soccer, hockey. I grew up in Toronto in
Speaker 1: the eighties and nineties, and as a Chinese immigrant family,
Speaker 1: we didn't have access to, say hockey, it's a really
Speaker 1: expensive sport, so at recess, I have no idea how
Speaker 1: to play what the boys are playing, and I play
Speaker 1: with the girls. After a while, that just created more
Speaker 1: bullying from the boys. They kick balls at me and
Speaker 1: would laugh when I ducked out of the way. One
Speaker 1: of my earliest memories is me on the schoolyard during recess.
Speaker 1: It's winter. My recess activity in frigid Canada is cracking
Speaker 1: the ice puddles, waiting desperately for the bell to ring.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling so so lonely. Everyone else is off playing together,
Speaker 1: skipping rope or playing ball hockey, and it seems like
Speaker 1: the only friend I can talk to as I'm poking
Speaker 1: the ice with my boot is God. God is the
Speaker 1: only one who understands me, the only one who cares,
Speaker 1: who sticks around. And this is such a deep memory
Speaker 1: because it's cemented in me who God was and helped
Speaker 1: me survive from tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent Fung. This
Speaker 1: is Dear Alana Part two. Father, Oh my god, I
Speaker 1: can't understand. I'm with Joyce, Alana's mother, who has so
Speaker 1: many unanswered questions about Alana's suicide.
Speaker 5: It was a thirteen that she started suffering. Did you
Speaker 5: help that.
Speaker 6: I was severely depressed and had suicidal ideation probably at
Speaker 6: the age of nine.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 7: You thought that because of thinking you were.
Speaker 6: No, it was because I was. I was bullied a lot. Oh,
Speaker 6: and I never felt like I belonged, and yeah, I
Speaker 6: think I just remember even we moved to a new
Speaker 6: neighborhood and a new school, and I started a new school,
Speaker 6: and you know this was like in third grade, the
Speaker 6: first day they make you do an all about me thing.
Speaker 6: I remember, even at that age I must have been
Speaker 6: what eight years old? My all about me was like,
Speaker 6: what are people that I think about me? What is
Speaker 6: the most acceptable hobby? Because anything that would have liked
Speaker 6: I would have been I had fun of, you know.
Speaker 6: So I remember writing like baseball and like me really
Speaker 6: it wasn't Yeah, and I like I really like watching
Speaker 6: didn't like things like this and likes are so mean?
Speaker 5: Yeah, So do you think Is that how you found God?
Speaker 6: Yeah, I remember being really depressed. My parents didn't know this,
Speaker 6: but I would. I would sleep a lot. That's how
Speaker 6: I experienced it initially. And then I remember finding quotes
Speaker 6: from Bible and really just there was one passage from
Speaker 6: Saint Paul when he talks about.
Speaker 1: When I'm weak, then I am.
Speaker 6: Strong, and when I'm small and I'm big, And I
Speaker 6: remember just feeling like God is the only like in
Speaker 6: my life. Yeah that understands and will care.
Speaker 5: And so Richie found on your olympause.
Speaker 1: Alana got really into church on her own too, but
Speaker 1: I'm still not sure why she was drawn to it
Speaker 1: at such an early age. I don't get the sense
Speaker 1: that she was bullied like me as a kid. In fact,
Speaker 1: Joyce tells me that Alana had many friends, and it
Speaker 1: doesn't take long until she introduces me to Joy. Not Joyce,
Speaker 1: but Joy, one of Alana's oldest friends.
Speaker 8: So Alana and I met on the first day of kindergarten.
Speaker 8: We went to Fireside Elementary. So yeah, I've known her
Speaker 8: my whole life.
Speaker 1: It feels like it's windy on this bright fall day,
Speaker 1: and Joy is dressed in layers with her blonde hair
Speaker 1: in a bun. We meet at Davidson Mesa, one of
Speaker 1: their favorite places to hike. I can see the appeal.
Speaker 1: It's a huge open area with wide views of the
Speaker 1: rocky mountains, a paved looped trail. It's a great place
Speaker 1: to clear your head or have a conversation with a friend.
Speaker 8: We would go at night a lot, or at sunset.
Speaker 8: She shared a lot of different We shared a lot
Speaker 8: of different things with each other on those walks. So
Speaker 8: Alana had this big tattoo on her ribcage of Jesus
Speaker 8: on the cross, and like when we were walking here
Speaker 8: was the first time she showed it to me, and
Speaker 8: she like hadn't told her parents.
Speaker 1: I asked her what her earliest memories of Alana were.
Speaker 8: She was so much fun, so playful and curious and kind.
Speaker 8: We loved to like have sleepovers and we made all
Speaker 8: these videos of ourselves giggling and like jumping on the trampoline.
Speaker 8: She had, you know, sisters, so I only had brothers.
Speaker 8: They had all these clothes in their house, all these
Speaker 8: girls clothes. We would dress up, and Carissa will dress
Speaker 8: us up and do our makeup. She made me look
Speaker 8: like Shirley Temple one.
Speaker 1: Time, Alana Enjoy have a scrap book that they created,
Speaker 1: and they had this tradition of passing the book back
Speaker 1: and forth on big occasions like birthdays, and taking turns
Speaker 1: writing a new entry, adding a new picture or memory
Speaker 1: to the ages. Joy brought the book with her and
Speaker 1: she opens up the front cover.
Speaker 8: She says, well, I don't actually remember the day we met,
Speaker 8: so bye, just kidding, but seriously, I don't remember, but
Speaker 8: it happened probably the first day of kindergarten. It must
Speaker 8: have been fate that we met that day. Since we're
Speaker 8: still friends today, I guess this doesn't count as a memory,
Speaker 8: but it was still a very important date and I'm
Speaker 8: glad it happened.
Speaker 1: She turns the page, passed a photo of a maybe
Speaker 1: six year old Halna looking wistfully next to Joy, who's
Speaker 1: mugging to the camera.
Speaker 8: This is a classic story. She tried to comfort me
Speaker 8: and then I gave her the flu.
Speaker 1: And she's drawing these little school drawing friender hat each one.
Speaker 8: Yes, so there's a stistic figure on this. One says cough,
Speaker 8: and then hers says, don't worry, you'll get better. There
Speaker 8: was a day I told her my crush.
Speaker 1: The scrap book is thick, and we see Alana and
Speaker 1: Joy through the years becoming teenagers.
Speaker 8: When someone would have a breakup, she would, you know,
Speaker 8: be all in on. We played game called we called
Speaker 8: it that He's a loser game and everyone would just
Speaker 8: say things about this X and then we'd say he's
Speaker 8: a loser. It's really mature, nonproductive, but you know she
Speaker 8: wasn't above any of it.
Speaker 1: We turned the page to a picture of Alana in
Speaker 1: a sports uniform.
Speaker 8: So a big part of high school, I think is frisbee.
Speaker 1: She's referring to ultimate frisbee, a high intensity sport where
Speaker 1: players have to get a frisbee to an end zone
Speaker 1: while trying not to get intercepted along the way. The
Speaker 1: high school ultimate frisbee team becomes one of Alana's core
Speaker 1: group of friends. This is Nie, the frisbee team captain.
Speaker 9: For me, ultimate has always been a space where like
Speaker 9: people can do whatever they want, they can really be themselves.
Speaker 1: It was Knee's passion for ultimate frisbee that recruited Alana
Speaker 1: and many others from their high school, and one song
Speaker 1: in particular really sums up their team.
Speaker 9: Pedal is a popular radio song from like the mid
Speaker 9: two thousands. I would say, for some reason, someone on
Speaker 9: our team wanted to turn that song into ass paddle.
Speaker 9: You know, we would form a circle as we would
Speaker 9: like a huddle, and someone outside of the circle would
Speaker 9: have a frisbee in their hand, and we would we
Speaker 9: would bend forward with our you know, our behind sticking out,
Speaker 9: and someone would go around and just like hit all
Speaker 9: of our butts. Everyone in the middle would be like
Speaker 9: screaming ass paddle, like really loud. That was one of
Speaker 9: the ones that made Alana feel super uncomfortable, So like
Speaker 9: she ended up with a nickname that year was Alana
Speaker 9: I Don't Participate ten, which was really funny. Like there's
Speaker 9: like pictures and like other footage of her just like
Speaker 9: standing as still as possible during one of the cheers
Speaker 9: that made her uncomfortable, and like that was like one
Speaker 9: of the defining moments of a lon I'm.
Speaker 1: Kind of jealous of Alana's friend group. I always wished
Speaker 1: I had a group of friends to joke around and
Speaker 1: do sleepovers with. Instead. My loneliness continued throughout high school,
Speaker 1: where I put all my energy into getting good grades.
Speaker 1: Alana seems to have it all. A best friend sports
Speaker 1: community around this time. If you remember, Alana was fresh
Speaker 1: from her Catholic summer camp experience, the one that really
Speaker 1: made an impression on her. I asked me if she
Speaker 1: remembers if Alana's newfound religious devotion stood out.
Speaker 9: I first started to pick up on how religious Alana
Speaker 9: was when we went to travel tournaments. That was senior
Speaker 9: year of high school, so that was the first time
Speaker 9: our team was able to start traveling to tournaments to compete.
Speaker 9: And I had noticed this because she would, you know,
Speaker 9: wake up super early on like Sundays of a tournament
Speaker 9: and find a way to get to a church in
Speaker 9: the morning. And she might have been doing that with
Speaker 9: one other teammate, but for the most part, it just
Speaker 9: felt like she was doing that on her own because
Speaker 9: she chose to do it.
Speaker 1: Most kids and adults have to be forced to go
Speaker 1: to church, but Alana is choosing to go on her
Speaker 1: own by herself. I wonder what she's finding there that
Speaker 1: she isn't getting from her friends or her family.
Speaker 8: So Alana was like sneaking out to go to church.
Speaker 8: I think at one point she asked my mom to driver,
Speaker 8: and my mom was like, wait, why, you know, like
Speaker 8: she kind of caught on too, of like, I don't
Speaker 8: want to be sneaky here, but at the same time,
Speaker 8: it was like, but she's going to church, so it's
Speaker 8: probably not a big deal.
Speaker 1: It would happen like this every day after school. Alana
Speaker 1: would tell her parents she was going to Joys to study,
Speaker 1: and then either have Joy's mom drive her or take
Speaker 1: the thirty minute bus ride to Saint Thomas Aquinas Church.
Speaker 1: Saint Thom's the Catholic parish that sits in the middle
Speaker 1: of the University of Colorado Boulder campus. Not a small trek.
Speaker 1: It's funny to imagine a young girl sneaking out to
Speaker 1: go to church, but I can totally relate. I also
Speaker 1: went to daily Mass on the down low, and for me,
Speaker 1: it started after I met someone at church. Gosh, I
Speaker 1: haven't thought about him in a long time. His name
Speaker 1: was Father William, and he introduced me to a more
Speaker 1: serious practice of Catholicism. In my late teens, I met
Speaker 1: Father William when he came to say Mass at my
Speaker 1: college Catholic Center. He was short and trim, head, silver hair,
Speaker 1: a twinkle in his eye, and perfect teeth. He walked
Speaker 1: around campus in his tailored black cassock and white collar,
Speaker 1: like someone out of a nineteen forties Hollywood set. But
Speaker 1: the most striking thing about him was the way he
Speaker 1: said mass. He was betrayed and entered willingly into his passion.
Speaker 1: Father William would say each word deliberately, Take this, all
Speaker 1: of you, bow and raise his arms with careful precision,
Speaker 1: for this is my body which will be given up,
Speaker 1: and pause with dramatic flair as he held up the bread.
Speaker 6: He took bread, and, giving thanks, broke it and gave
Speaker 6: it to his disciples, saying take this.
Speaker 1: I was riveted. Compared to the priests I saw every
Speaker 1: Sunday growing up, Father William was not going through the motions.
Speaker 1: He meant every word of every prayer. One day, Father
Speaker 1: William came up to me and asked me if I'd
Speaker 1: ever considered the priesthood, that is, if I'd ever thought
Speaker 1: of becoming a priest. The thought had crossed my mind,
Speaker 1: as it does for many pious Catholic boys. But something
Speaker 1: about the way he asked me, the way he looked
Speaker 1: me in the eye, made me feel special chosen. I
Speaker 1: shyly said yeah, and he told me that if I
Speaker 1: was interested, we could meet to talk about that. I said,
Speaker 1: I'd think about it, and for the next few weeks
Speaker 1: I returned to Mass, excited to see Father William and
Speaker 1: hoping that he'd come and talk to me again. He did,
Speaker 1: and that year he became my spiritual father and spiritual director,
Speaker 1: meeting regularly with me to talk about what it would
Speaker 1: take to become a priest. For Alana, all this sneaking
Speaker 1: out to church was beginning to get to her. Joyce
Speaker 1: tells me about one morning when Alana came into her
Speaker 1: room and woke her up. She was in tears and
Speaker 1: wanted to talk.
Speaker 5: So and it was she came in a room I
Speaker 5: was half asleep, so it was early morning, and I
Speaker 5: remember I was like, well, and first my first thought
Speaker 5: was she was gonna tell me something bad, like what
Speaker 5: I did when I was teenagers drinking at fourteen.
Speaker 1: But Alana had something else to confess.
Speaker 5: She came in my room crying that she'd been lying
Speaker 5: to me. That she'd been taking the bus, saying she
Speaker 5: was a joys but every night about five o'clock, so
Speaker 5: it was a five point thirty Mass, but she was
Speaker 5: taking the bus to Saint Thom's which is on the hill,
Speaker 5: which is like college students partying. Some bad stuff happens there.
Speaker 1: She's glad that at least Ilana hadn't been sneaking out
Speaker 1: to party.
Speaker 5: Part of me was relieved, but then I said, wait,
Speaker 5: that's not good for you to go. It's dangerous, and
Speaker 5: you know, she was like, no, I'm sorry. I just
Speaker 5: I really want to go to Mass every day. And
Speaker 5: I was like why, like every day. I don't understand this,
Speaker 5: like and she was like, no, I just love it
Speaker 5: and I want to go to Mass every day. And
Speaker 5: then she said, I really want you to know. I
Speaker 5: really want you to watch this show that they showed
Speaker 5: us Oprah Went into a Convent.
Speaker 1: Oprah Went into a Convent. I don't remember seeing this
Speaker 1: episode when it aired, but the video is pure Oprah
Speaker 1: production value.
Speaker 6: Today, twenty two young women will begin their journey toward
Speaker 6: becoming a nun.
Speaker 5: I graduated from high school back in June.
Speaker 8: I guess I knew ever since I was really little, like,
Speaker 8: I never had any doubts that God was calling me.
Speaker 8: I've definitely thought about it.
Speaker 9: Yeah, and it's it's crossed my mind a lot, being
Speaker 9: with Jesus the whole time.
Speaker 4: Yeah, maybe twenty four to seven, I mean went better husband.
Speaker 1: Coprah cuts the shots of young nuns in their white habits,
Speaker 1: playing ball, hockey, riding bikes on the gorgeous green Convent acreage,
Speaker 1: and she interviews this beaming woman who's left behind a
Speaker 1: great career to become a nun. Where were you in
Speaker 1: your life when you realized you wanted to be married
Speaker 1: to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 10: I was sitting on my couch in my house and
Speaker 10: an apartment on the lake, and I was in front
Speaker 10: of my TV, and I had just finished decorating. And
Speaker 10: I looked at the stereo and I looked at the
Speaker 10: like my whole entertainment center. And I thought, and I
Speaker 10: said it out loud. I I usually don't talk to
Speaker 10: myself out loud. I said, I could give it up
Speaker 10: all tomorrow and it wouldn't mean a hill of beans.
Speaker 7: Really.
Speaker 10: I came to a point where I said, Okay, this
Speaker 10: is it, and if I know this is it, then
Speaker 10: I have to do it.
Speaker 5: And so she showed me the video. I'm half asleep.
Speaker 5: They were playing frisbee in their habits, and like she said, Mom,
Speaker 5: some of them were nurses and doctors and then now
Speaker 5: they're nuns and they're Look how happy they are and
Speaker 5: I just remember going no, no, no, Like inside, I was
Speaker 5: like m m no. And she was so young, so
Speaker 5: I was pretty shocked, you know. And then I just
Speaker 5: said I think I said, you can't take the bus anymore.
Speaker 5: If you want, I'll go. I don't think you need
Speaker 5: to go every day, you know. And she was upset
Speaker 5: with me. She was upset with me right away about
Speaker 5: my lack of enthusiasm and my judgment about the convent.
Speaker 1: As funny as nuns playing frisbee might sound, it's actually
Speaker 1: a powerful juxtaposition. Growing up, I tended to think of
Speaker 1: priests and nuns as these alien creatures who took on
Speaker 1: restrictive spiritual practices in order to be close to God.
Speaker 1: But discovering that they were real people who had regular
Speaker 1: jobs and played sports in their free time, made their
Speaker 1: callings suddenly a lot more accessible, Like maybe I could
Speaker 1: do that too. Alana's desire to be a nun would
Speaker 1: be the source of many fights with her mom. Over church.
Speaker 5: I ran into Joy's mom and she said, oh my god,
Speaker 5: you must be so happy Eleanna wants to be a nun.
Speaker 5: And I was like what. I was like, what are
Speaker 5: you talking about? And I'm not happy? What you're telling me,
Speaker 5: And I'm like, Debbie, she's thirteen, she's fourteen, what are
Speaker 5: you kidding me?
Speaker 1: Like, her friend Joy remembers when this happened, how Alana
Speaker 1: was really mad at her mom for not letting her
Speaker 1: go to church by herself.
Speaker 8: You know, it's kind of this adolescent like parents don't
Speaker 8: get it, and it was just so confusing for all
Speaker 8: of us because the limits that they were setting were
Speaker 8: around church and for us it was like curfew, you know,
Speaker 8: like spending time with boys. And I just think we
Speaker 8: didn't get that, you know.
Speaker 1: Even still, Joe reflects on how much she looked up
Speaker 1: to Alana.
Speaker 8: For better or for worse. Alana was always my moral compass.
Speaker 8: You know, if I made a joke at someone's expense,
Speaker 8: I would just think like, Elana wouldn't do that. She
Speaker 8: was so kind of rooted in her values and thoughtful. Like,
Speaker 8: looking back, it's actually kind of you know, I work
Speaker 8: with kids and teenagers now, and knowing what I know
Speaker 8: about child adolescent development, it's like remarkable.
Speaker 1: It sounds like Alana was a kind of role model
Speaker 1: for a lot of her friends. I ask Joy if
Speaker 1: Alana would ever talk about her own struggles.
Speaker 8: We would talk about difficult things in her life. And
Speaker 8: I don't know if that's because she asked or because
Speaker 8: I would ask. You know, obviously I'm a therapist now
Speaker 8: and I had I think some of those bends back then.
Speaker 8: And maybe Alana and I did a little bit of
Speaker 8: that together of like we're going to be stayle and
Speaker 8: supportive for other people and not as much for ourselves.
Speaker 8: So maybe we influenced each other in that way. But
Speaker 8: we did certainly talk about stuff going on with her family, So.
Speaker 1: What was going on with her family? The fact is,
Speaker 1: even before Alana was born, things between Mike and Joyce
Speaker 1: weren't going well. I'm with Joyce and she's cleaning up
Speaker 1: after making me that sandwich.
Speaker 5: When Sammy was little, I wound up in the safe
Speaker 5: house within ten month old for a month, and then
Speaker 5: I got all kinds of services and then a legal separation.
Speaker 1: After a period of separation, Joyce moved back in with Mike.
Speaker 5: Then I moved. I wound up going in the house
Speaker 5: with him.
Speaker 6: Oh right, yeah.
Speaker 5: Right after that I had we had another incident.
Speaker 6: She just was like this for thirty let's kickers two years.
Speaker 1: As their family grew, things stabilized relatively speaking. I reached
Speaker 1: out to Mike, but he didn't answer my calls. I'm
Speaker 1: sure I don't have the complete picture of their troubles,
Speaker 1: but needless to say, their marriage was rocky. It strikes
Speaker 1: me how open Joyce is.
Speaker 5: They had like five marriage counselors.
Speaker 1: I mean, we've known each other for now almost two
Speaker 1: years and just recently in person, but she doesn't hold
Speaker 1: anything back. She speaks with this kind of earnest energy,
Speaker 1: like she wants me to know everything about her life
Speaker 1: so that I can better understand Ala. Joyce reflects on
Speaker 1: how her marriage might have impacted Alana.
Speaker 5: She wrote, it's in her journal, and she was always
Speaker 5: scared I was leaving. I know. I mean I think
Speaker 5: that's why sometimes I'm so guilty, because there's so many
Speaker 5: things that.
Speaker 6: Her spirit soul was. It was scared.
Speaker 1: I talked to Alana's younger sister, Sophia. She remembers this
Speaker 1: time well, when they were young girls and Alana wanted
Speaker 1: to be a nun.
Speaker 11: We definitely were very shocked. I just remember I was like,
Speaker 11: it's my sister. I love her and I'm going to
Speaker 11: support her, but it was still oddic. I remember they
Speaker 11: were in my mother's room once in their arguing, that
Speaker 11: conversation was getting pretty heated and my sister was getting upset,
Speaker 11: so I stepped in. And I often felt like a
Speaker 11: big sister to her sometimes because not because I was
Speaker 11: more mature, because I wasn't, but I was a lot
Speaker 11: more vocal, and I remember telling my mom. I was like,
Speaker 11: if this is what she wants to do, this is
Speaker 11: what she wants to do.
Speaker 1: And Sofia begins to notice changes in Alana's appearance.
Speaker 11: As she got more involved in the church. She started
Speaker 11: dealing down her wardrobe, really conservative skirts, no makeup, really
Speaker 11: long sleeves, everything was covered.
Speaker 1: She even stopped wearing bathing suits and would go into
Speaker 1: the water with a T shirt on. This new image
Speaker 1: was in stark contrast to her earlier style of neon
Speaker 1: pink tops, red shoes, and Barett's in her hair. I've
Speaker 1: shared how I got interested in becoming a priest, but
Speaker 1: I wonder how Alana first got the idea to become
Speaker 1: a nun, as it lily didn't come from her upbringing.
Speaker 1: Was it just the Oprah video? Did the desire come
Speaker 1: from God himself? A mysterious calling, as we learned in
Speaker 1: Sunday School. I figured she must have confided in somebody
Speaker 1: at church at that time, so I reached out to Judy,
Speaker 1: her middle school youth group leader at Saint Thom's.
Speaker 3: Alana always had that It's hard to explain just that
Speaker 3: light of Christ in my mind. She just lit up,
Speaker 3: just this radiant being and that I just I remember
Speaker 3: from that point on, I just thought she is so lucky.
Speaker 3: You know, she knows God at such a young age.
Speaker 3: I mean, I don't know very many girls that want
Speaker 3: to be a nun.
Speaker 5: That was unusual.
Speaker 1: It was unusual, but as her youth group leader, Judy
Speaker 1: was secretly rooting for.
Speaker 3: It, and she said her mother didn't want her to
Speaker 3: be in I'm kind of in the middle here going
Speaker 3: I love it. I kind of want you to be
Speaker 3: a nun, but I've got to respect Joyce. I remember
Speaker 3: I wanted to be a nun, so maybe that was
Speaker 3: part of my heart. You know. Saint Therez was like
Speaker 3: what fourteen when she entered the convent, and you know,
Speaker 3: I just thought, if that's where your heart is, follow it,
Speaker 3: don't let anyone tell you no, you can't do that,
Speaker 3: because God's the most important. The other side of me said,
Speaker 3: you know, God's not going to let go if she
Speaker 3: really has it. So I said, you don't just keep
Speaker 3: praying and walking that way, and your mom will understand
Speaker 3: eventually if this is what you really want to do.
Speaker 1: Back at the apartment, Joyce shows me the earliest journal
Speaker 1: she can find.
Speaker 5: She left all were in that bin.
Speaker 1: It opens with a sort of list of instructions that
Speaker 1: Alana wrote to herself.
Speaker 5: You tape, never glue stick this notebook. Do not waste space.
Speaker 1: Keep in mind dates altas dense and neat. Writing packs
Speaker 1: every line of the spiral ring notebook true to form.
Speaker 1: She doesn't waste any inch of space.
Speaker 5: The notebook marks a new beginning. Today is May first,
Speaker 5: twenty thirteen. This is the month devoted to the blessed
Speaker 5: Virgin Mary. This notebook and all its contents, thoughts, less pictures, prayers,
Speaker 5: are devoted to Mama Mary to be handed over completely
Speaker 5: to Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: We turn the page to find a sort of spiritual recap.
Speaker 5: I saw a girl who loved Jesus as if he
Speaker 5: were her husband. I wanted that love. I decided I
Speaker 5: would follow Jesus from that moment. Until then, I did
Speaker 5: not know Nuns still existed. I had many questions, what
Speaker 5: do they do? What is their purpose? Why doesn't every
Speaker 5: girl become a nun? How do I know?
Speaker 1: I'm called all very good questions, and then I find
Speaker 1: my answer.
Speaker 5: That very week, I was at Mass and our new
Speaker 5: parish priest pulled me aside and asked if I was
Speaker 5: discerning a religious vocation. He said the Holy Spirit inspired
Speaker 5: him to offer me spiritual direction. Eventually I accepted the offer.
Speaker 1: It was a new priest in town.
Speaker 5: He taught me to pray the Rosary. He taught me
Speaker 5: a method of mental prayer, and to go to confession
Speaker 5: more often. My parents thought it was weird that all
Speaker 5: of a sudden I was becoming more religious. When my
Speaker 5: mom found out that I wanted to be a nun,
Speaker 5: she was so mad and scared. I told this to
Speaker 5: my spiritual director, and I began volunteering twice a week
Speaker 5: at the MC Sisters in Denver. Father Dave, my spiritual director,
Speaker 5: helped me to find a lot of time to pray
Speaker 5: during the school year. Jesus told me to be patient
Speaker 5: and vigilant that year.
Speaker 1: From the news articles, I remember reading about a priest
Speaker 1: who had counseled Ilana throughout her teens, but this is
Speaker 1: the first mention I've seen of him by Ilana herself,
Speaker 1: and she takes him as a kind of sign from God.
Speaker 1: The same week she asked to be shown if she's
Speaker 1: called to be a nun. This priest, Father Dave Nix,
Speaker 1: appears and asks her exactly that it reminds me of
Speaker 1: my father William again Judy, Alana's youth group leader.
Speaker 3: And looking back on it, I just apologized to Joyce
Speaker 3: one hundred times. But her relationship with Father Nix, because
Speaker 3: she was so excited, she goes, he's my spiritual director, Nichael.
Speaker 3: What you know, teenager has a spiritual director, you know,
Speaker 3: and you know he would call her and talk to
Speaker 3: where you'd be with her, and he's trying to help
Speaker 3: her sort out whether or not she could. She really
Speaker 3: wanted to be a sister at that point, but I
Speaker 3: had it was so much There was so much more going.
Speaker 5: On that I was aware of.
Speaker 1: I'm starting to get a picture of what Alana might
Speaker 1: have found at church. It was probably a quiet place
Speaker 1: for her after a rowdy frisbee game and a refuge
Speaker 1: from her home when her parents were fighting. And it
Speaker 1: makes more sense now why her conviction to become a
Speaker 1: nun was so strong. Alana was being guided and coached
Speaker 1: by her spiritual father father Dave Nix. But what else
Speaker 1: was going on that Judy wasn't aware of? In an instant,
Speaker 1: I see how important Alana's own words and perspective are
Speaker 1: going to be if I'm going to find out what
Speaker 1: happened to her, I can't just rely on her family's
Speaker 1: observations or a few excerpts. Her journals are the primary
Speaker 1: sources of her inner life, and she's got nearly two
Speaker 1: dozen of them. I fly back to San Francisco. On
Speaker 1: the plane, I think about Alana and Joyce, joy and
Speaker 1: the frisbee team. What Alana went through in her early years,
Speaker 1: her sneaking out to go to church, and what she
Speaker 1: might have found there. I wonder if she would have
Speaker 1: related to God the same way I did. As a friend.
Speaker 1: I wish that I could talk to her. It's great
Speaker 1: to hear stories from her friends, and I can learn
Speaker 1: a lot from them. But I realize is that Alana's
Speaker 1: own journals are the closest thing to Alana that I'm
Speaker 1: going to get her thoughts in her own words. I
Speaker 1: called Joyce to talk to her about it. She's very
Speaker 1: protective of Alana's journals and has often said that they
Speaker 1: contain a lot of private details. She says she doesn't
Speaker 1: want to let them out of her sight.
Speaker 6: I get that.
Speaker 1: I decide I'm going to be direct, so I ask
Speaker 1: her if I can go through the journals page by page,
Speaker 1: maybe even photograph them, so that I can cross reference
Speaker 1: names and dates. I tell her that I need to
Speaker 1: know what's in those journals, because we need the truth
Speaker 1: as Alana saw it, to guide us.
Speaker 7: I wait.
Speaker 1: Their silence. Joyce asks me if i'll be careful with them,
Speaker 1: if I can do this at her apartment, of course,
Speaker 1: I say. She's quiet, and then she replies, Okay, let's
Speaker 1: do this.
Speaker 7: I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.
Speaker 1: Next time, on Dear Alana.
Speaker 5: You're in here with my daughter, a minor. I imagine the
Speaker 5: door was shut. I don't know. I have no knowledge
Speaker 5: of this. I didn't give any consent. She's fourteen.
Speaker 1: Alana is asked to keep a secret that will tear
Speaker 1: her apart.
Speaker 7: I will follow her ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Speaker 1: kentfang And is a production of tenderfoot TV in association
Speaker 1: with a slapt Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
Speaker 1: It was produced by Laurie Puliski, who also composed the music.
Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
Speaker 1: and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our credit song,
Speaker 1: I Will Follow You is by to Loose. Show notes
Speaker 1: and resources can be found on our website Dearlana dot com.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow
Speaker 1: the show, rate and review. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Speaker 7: The notion to d Monson so highlove Me, Keep Me Away,
Speaker 7: Away from Long.
Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
Speaker 1: you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot Plus
Speaker 1: so you can binge the entire series right now. Add
Speaker 1: free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot com
Speaker 1: to subscribe now.