Speaker 1: Dear Alana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free.
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Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season.
Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode.
Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or
Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact
Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.
Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised.
Speaker 3: I was wearing black Sophie shorts and a great T shirt.
Speaker 3: I took the bus to see him. We sat in
Speaker 3: his office. I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and
Speaker 3: bare legs. He didn't say anything, though he was covered
Speaker 3: in black glasses, haircut close to the skull. He was young,
Speaker 3: and funny and passionate. He noticed me, He knew me.
Speaker 3: He knew I loved God. He forgave my unspeakable sin.
Speaker 3: He took my defilement and buried it.
Speaker 1: He kept my secret. It's Wednesday night, and I'm happy
Speaker 1: to be back home in San Francisco. I'm sitting at
Speaker 1: the back of my local parish for an evening prayer service.
Speaker 1: The church is lit by candle light, and I'm struck
Speaker 1: by how beautiful it is. Whenever I'm here, I feel
Speaker 1: like I can just slept my thoughts room free. Tonight,
Speaker 1: they'll be playing music written by a group of monks
Speaker 1: from a small town in eastern France. Somehow these men
Speaker 1: ran away from it all and wrote the melancholic melodies
Speaker 1: we're hearing this evening. I'm thinking about my last conversation
Speaker 1: with Joyce, and I'm eager to get back to Colorado
Speaker 1: in order to go through Alana's journals for myself. But
Speaker 1: a part of me is uneasy. How many of us
Speaker 1: keep diaries in journals of our deepest thoughts and feelings,
Speaker 1: where we confide our insecurities, our secrets, and our dreams.
Speaker 1: In our journals, we get to be totally unfiltered because
Speaker 1: it helps us process things, and because we don't expect
Speaker 1: anyone to ever read them. But what does it mean
Speaker 1: if someone gains access to them when we're gone, before
Speaker 1: we've had a chance to give them permission to do so.
Speaker 1: That's the dilemma I'm weighing this evening as I stare
Speaker 1: at the flickering candles. I recall a paragraph that I
Speaker 1: had happened upon as we were flipping through Alana's journals
Speaker 1: in Joyce's kitchen. It's a nondescript line, barely noticeable, but
Speaker 1: it's stuck with me. Alana says, it's hard to write
Speaker 1: just for me.
Speaker 3: I just want to write down my life in a
Speaker 3: small journal, tucked away somewhere in this world. I want
Speaker 3: to be in this world. I want to be a
Speaker 3: part of this world. I feel invisible all my life.
Speaker 3: I've been hiding away, waiting for someone to find me.
Speaker 1: Maybe she tucked her journals away waiting for someone to
Speaker 1: find them. Maybe that someone was me from Tenderfoot TV.
Speaker 1: I'm Simon kent Fung and this is Dear Alana, Part three,
Speaker 1: My Secret. Alanna left behind twenty journals, and with Joyce's permission,
Speaker 1: I digitally scanned every page, even the ones that had
Speaker 1: only a few lines on them. In total, nearly twelve
Speaker 1: hundred pages. It's worth noting that in some journals, Alana
Speaker 1: ripped out pages, and we may never know why. It
Speaker 1: felt important to give her journals a voice, so we
Speaker 1: found a voice actress coincidentally also named Ilana to help
Speaker 1: us with that, and you'll hear her voice throughout the series.
Speaker 1: As I begin reading her journals, I can see right
Speaker 1: away that Alana keeps really detailed notes. She likes to
Speaker 1: track things on timelines and lists. In one journal, she
Speaker 1: breaks her life out into big chapters titled California where
Speaker 1: she was.
Speaker 3: Born Born October nineteen ninety five. Separation, anxiety, mom and
Speaker 3: dad fighting middle school. Moved to Colorado in two thousand.
Speaker 3: Dad called me too sensitive, a baby, wild imagination, extreme
Speaker 3: fear of monsters, can't sleep elementary school, extremely shy, joined
Speaker 3: all my friends for me. Perfectionist in school, perfectionist in
Speaker 3: art in high school, conversion, decided to follow Jesus forever.
Speaker 1: She's very matter of fact, with bullet points under each chapter.
Speaker 1: This timeline makes it quite easy for me to cross
Speaker 1: reference things I'll find later on. A lot of her
Speaker 1: journals contain what we've come to expect from Alana. Prayers,
Speaker 1: so many prayers, and lists of people she's remembering to pray.
Speaker 3: For, like pray for Alexis, Aaron Newhaud, Katie Ashley, the
Speaker 3: girl in the Station on the way home from Texas,
Speaker 3: the girl in the Albertson parking lot and her grandkids.
Speaker 1: There are frisbee plays and arguments with Mom consultant Mom.
Speaker 1: And as I continue reading, what leaps out to me
Speaker 1: the most is just how into God she is. Where
Speaker 1: you'd expect to find high school gossip and crushes, Alana
Speaker 1: Gush is with that same energy, but for God, Lord.
Speaker 3: I love that you're leading me. I love that you
Speaker 3: asked me here on a date. I love that you
Speaker 3: desire a greater intimacy with me. I desire it too.
Speaker 3: I think someday we will be married. Soon. All that
Speaker 3: I am will be one hundred percent yours. Lead me
Speaker 3: forever closer to your sacred heart. I love you.
Speaker 1: Wow, A date with God that's intense. We get a
Speaker 1: little more in the next paragraph, like a follow up text.
Speaker 3: Dear God, I want to write you a little ditty
Speaker 3: note because I'm so tired and distracted. Our date was
Speaker 3: for me a very delirious thing. I love you. Since
Speaker 3: you'll be in here all day, I'll call you often.
Speaker 3: Pray with me that I may not fear and grant
Speaker 3: that I may have of interior silence. The days are
Speaker 3: so busy. Let it help and not hinder me from
Speaker 3: an intimate relationship with you. Have a good day, save
Speaker 3: me a seat at Mass. Love your girl, Alana.
Speaker 1: I'm sure by now you've picked up that Alana's experience
Speaker 1: of Catholicism is a little out of the ordinary. Most
Speaker 1: Catholics get the basics of their faith from their parents
Speaker 1: or Catholic school, then fade out from the church or
Speaker 1: maybe show up once in a while at Christmas or Easter.
Speaker 1: They don't sneak out during the week to go to
Speaker 1: Mass or write passionate love letters to God. Alana uses
Speaker 1: phrases like jumping into the ocean of the Father's love
Speaker 1: and grant that I may have interior silence. These are
Speaker 1: spiritual concepts that are lifted right out of the mystical
Speaker 1: writings of seventeenth century European saints, people who had uniquely
Speaker 1: powerful experiences of God, who are speaking of their era.
Speaker 1: Gen Z Millennials don't talk like that, no matter how
Speaker 1: much they're in love. It's a sunny afternoon and I'm
Speaker 1: back in Louisville, Colorado, the town where Alana grew up.
Speaker 1: I'm walking the downtown strip and finally make it to
Speaker 1: my destination, the local ice cream shop, Sweet Cow, where
Speaker 1: Alana used to work today. In memory of Alana's birthday,
Speaker 1: they're giving a proceed of all purchases to support mental
Speaker 1: health resources. Joyce is sitting outside with some of her friends.
Speaker 1: They're exchanging stories about Alana. I get a cup of
Speaker 1: chocolate oatmeal stout and sit down to join them. As
Speaker 1: they reminisce about Alana. The conversation starts to move from
Speaker 1: nostalgia to anger.
Speaker 4: Religion.
Speaker 1: There's a sense that the church, which was somehow responsible,
Speaker 1: that its influence on Alana was a big part of
Speaker 1: why she took her life. I can understand if it's
Speaker 1: friends and family reckoning with their grief and looking for closure,
Speaker 1: and the church can be an easy target. But what
Speaker 1: exactly happened in the church, something that Alana clearly loved
Speaker 1: that could lead to such a terrible outcome.
Speaker 5: Well, she left all her journals, but that there's something
Speaker 5: that was there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like Joyce's friends, I'm wondering if her journals might
Speaker 1: offer some clues. As I leave the ice cream shop,
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel the weight of responsibility I have
Speaker 1: on my shoulders. With Alana's writings, It's time to get
Speaker 1: back into them.
Speaker 3: Only one thing is important, eternal salvation only one thing, therefore,
Speaker 3: is to be feared sin.
Speaker 1: Like Alana, I didn't grow up in a particularly devout family,
Speaker 1: but I still had a very intuitive sense of right
Speaker 1: and wrong as a child. I once felt so guilty
Speaker 1: for taking the sewing kit from my mom's drawer to
Speaker 1: play with it in my bedroom that I ran crying
Speaker 1: to her the next day, begging her to forgive me
Speaker 1: for stealing. Alana, it seems, was just as careful. There
Speaker 1: are literally dozens of pages where she writes out her sins.
Speaker 3: Jealous of others, lied about daylight savings, lied to parents
Speaker 3: about going to mass, let ultimate keep me from the Lord.
Speaker 3: Used to be pro choice and for gay marriage, kissophone
Speaker 3: in the cheek without realizing the damage, Facebook, stalking, insecure,
Speaker 3: especially in middle school, Obsessed with how I looked, ungrateful
Speaker 3: for the gifts God had given me, face hair, want
Speaker 3: it to be somebody else.
Speaker 1: To be clear, a lot of these are not sins,
Speaker 1: but Alana think they are.
Speaker 3: I feel bad I just opened the bathroom door on someone.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, Please forgive me.
Speaker 1: It can be hard being a young person navigating these rules,
Speaker 1: trying to gauge how bad it was that you took
Speaker 1: the owing kit or accidentally opened to the bathroom door.
Speaker 1: As I got older, I learned that there was an
Speaker 1: intricate system to sin, and I found myself gravitating to
Speaker 1: obscure documents and websites which laid out all the rules.
Speaker 1: It was like a secret code. For example, did you
Speaker 1: know that you have to be at least seven years
Speaker 1: old what the church calls the age of reason in
Speaker 1: order to sin. Sins not only break the order of
Speaker 1: the universe, but also hurt God like personally. Thankfully, there's
Speaker 1: a way out. If you've committed sins, especially serious intentional
Speaker 1: ones what Catholics call mortal sins, you can be forgiven
Speaker 1: by going to confession.
Speaker 5: So she was always in confession.
Speaker 4: Did she go to confession like every week? Every week?
Speaker 5: And I should go up and have her arms cress
Speaker 5: and I mean she she was the perfect Catholic. And
Speaker 5: I was like, what do you She was I didn't
Speaker 5: go to confession this week? And I said, Alana, you
Speaker 5: don't have to go every week. Why do you think
Speaker 5: you have to go every week? And she just said
Speaker 5: I have to and like that was that was younger,
Speaker 5: But I couldn't believe it. I just started. All I
Speaker 5: thought was, Wow, she's really really conservative Catholic. This is
Speaker 5: over the top.
Speaker 1: Confession is a sacred space. Nothing said there is allowed
Speaker 1: to leave it, and because of that, it's where you
Speaker 1: can share your most private details. Go ahead in the
Speaker 1: name of the Father and of the Son and of
Speaker 1: the Holy Spirit. Amen, buss me, Father, for ive sinned.
Speaker 1: It's been about a month since my lost confession. Am
Speaker 1: I most about I'd go every week, though the recommendation
Speaker 1: is to go once a month. These are my sins.
Speaker 1: I yelled at my dad last weekend. We got in
Speaker 1: a fight and I said some really nasty things to him.
Speaker 1: I spoke behind one of my coworker's backs. I had
Speaker 1: impure and lostiful thoughts. Especially. There are plenty of confession
Speaker 1: guides that help you structure your conversation here, but essentially,
Speaker 1: you go through your list of sins and mention how
Speaker 1: frequently they occurred since your last confession, and you've got
Speaker 1: to confess the mortal ones.
Speaker 6: This is key, very good, So tell me what the
Speaker 6: fight was about.
Speaker 1: The priest might then probe a bit into what you
Speaker 1: just confessed, give you a bit of informal counseling and advice.
Speaker 1: Like maybe you should talk to someone about your addiction
Speaker 1: or see a therapist about your anger.
Speaker 6: Very well, for your penance, say ten our Fathers and
Speaker 6: three Hail Mary's, and now please make your active contrition.
Speaker 1: Oh my God, I'm truly sorry for all my sins
Speaker 1: with all my heart. So if you've done all of
Speaker 1: this and are truly honest to God's so for your sins,
Speaker 1: then when the priest responds with his prayer.
Speaker 6: And I absolve you from your sins in the name
Speaker 6: of the Father and of the Son and of the
Speaker 6: Holy Spirit, Amen.
Speaker 1: Then your sins are forgiven. You're back in the fold,
Speaker 1: back to being in a state of grace. For a
Speaker 1: lot of people, confession is kind of therapeutic, like you've
Speaker 1: unloaded these burdens and now you're starting from a clean slate.
Speaker 1: But for me, I remember stressing out about making sure
Speaker 1: I did everything right, making sure I kept careful inventory
Speaker 1: of all my sins, making sure I was sorry with
Speaker 1: all my heart, sometimes even going back to make a
Speaker 1: second confession if there was any doubt. And I can
Speaker 1: see how it might have been the same for Alana.
Speaker 1: She writes about how she's often anxious at mass.
Speaker 3: Dear Lord, Jesus, I want true and tear your freedom
Speaker 3: in order to serve, praise and love you. But sometimes
Speaker 3: I have so much anxiety. Can I be free in
Speaker 3: the midst of and why during mass? My desires have
Speaker 3: been so impure that I still feel ashamed? Am I
Speaker 3: not yet free?
Speaker 1: Alana's commitment to confession was felt by her siblings. Here's
Speaker 1: her sister Carissa again.
Speaker 6: She would text me like, hey, you want to hang out,
Speaker 6: like we haven't seen each other. I'm like, okay, let's
Speaker 6: get one. She was like, oh, I was actually thinking
Speaker 6: we could go to confession.
Speaker 7: I'm just like, no, that's like not my form of
Speaker 7: spending time with my sister.
Speaker 6: Like this feels like a trap.
Speaker 1: And here's her younger sister.
Speaker 7: I know, I was in middle school when I started
Speaker 7: getting pushed to go to confession by my sister, and
Speaker 7: I thought I had a similar interest because I wanted
Speaker 7: to be like my sister. And I remember going and
Speaker 7: like reading this card saying like all the lists of
Speaker 7: possible sins you could confess, and masturbation was like staring
Speaker 7: at me. I was yelling, and I thought it was
Speaker 7: like the most taboo thing ever. I mean, I don't
Speaker 7: care anymore. But when you're young, it's it's weird you
Speaker 7: don't talk about it, especially as a woman. I was like,
Speaker 7: oh my gosh, I have to tell this priest this
Speaker 7: because God knows I'm doing it, so I'm like, he
Speaker 7: must know. So I remember doing that, and thirteen year
Speaker 7: old means just doing my hail Mary's at home. But
Speaker 7: it was very shameful.
Speaker 3: When I was in seventh grade, my mom made us
Speaker 3: go to confession. As I was reading the pamphlet, I
Speaker 3: saw that word that I learned to hate, that thing
Speaker 3: that I thought I invented. Well, now that I was
Speaker 3: past age seven, the age of reason, I was culpable
Speaker 3: for my sins.
Speaker 1: Alana's reaction to masturbation was different than her sister's. Where
Speaker 1: Sophia eventually stopped caring about confessing this, Alana doubled down
Speaker 1: on it, doing the calculus to measure her culpability all
Speaker 1: over her journals. Alana obsesses over this subject.
Speaker 3: At one point in my childhood, I tried to achieve
Speaker 3: an orgasm for masturbating my armpit. I thought maybe it
Speaker 3: was just touching my private parts that was bad, and
Speaker 3: maybe if I could make myself feel good in touching
Speaker 3: a holier, more innocent part of my body that it
Speaker 3: wouldn't be a sin. It obviously didn't work. Even before
Speaker 3: I knew it was a sin, I was ashamed of
Speaker 3: what I was doing since before I can remember. When
Speaker 3: I found out it was a sin, I doubled my
Speaker 3: efforts to try to stop. I counted the days I
Speaker 3: could go without doing it. Dear Jesus, I have a
Speaker 3: lot of problems. I think I have a boy's mind,
Speaker 3: very dirty. I don't know why, but I'm sorry for
Speaker 3: preferring weird things over you. It's kind of funny, not really,
Speaker 3: but Father Deed told me not to take myself so seriously.
Speaker 3: So yeah, but he's right. I just want to praise
Speaker 3: you and forget about me. You are so good and
Speaker 3: I love you. You have the power to make me clean,
Speaker 3: give me a clean mind. I love you. Okay, Now,
Speaker 3: I will pray for purity.
Speaker 1: As a teenager, when I learned that masturbation was a
Speaker 1: mortal sin, also in a pamphlet. These pamphlets seem to
Speaker 1: have gotten a lot of traction. I became fixated with
Speaker 1: not doing it. Every time i'd feel the urge, I
Speaker 1: think about how much i'd be hurting God. And it
Speaker 1: wasn't just fear of hurting him that stopped me from
Speaker 1: doing it. I learned about really compelling theological and philosophical
Speaker 1: reasons for why masturbation was wrong. Through some combination of determination, fear,
Speaker 1: and perfectionism, I managed to stop masturbating for and I'm
Speaker 1: not kidding, over a decade. But I attributed it to
Speaker 1: God's grace.
Speaker 3: Summer two thousand and nine, I was super depressed, but
Speaker 3: then a miracle happened. I was able to give up
Speaker 3: masturbation at age thirteen till I was twenty. The abstinence
Speaker 3: lasted seven years.
Speaker 1: It looks like Ilana had an almost identical experience. She
Speaker 1: credits her stopping masturbation to a miracle a sign of
Speaker 1: God's closeness. And it's not just with masturbation that she's
Speaker 1: so strict with herself. Here's an ambitious list of what
Speaker 1: she's giving up for land.
Speaker 3: Twenty four hour fast, one peanut butter sandwich, no dessert,
Speaker 3: only water, no straightening hair, no popping zits. Cold shower Wednesday,
Speaker 3: lukewarm showers other days, hot shower Sunday. One blanket, no pillow,
Speaker 3: no texting in class unless emergency, no YouTube, invite Christida
Speaker 3: Mass every Saturday night.
Speaker 1: And in another entry, I.
Speaker 3: Commit to becoming a disciple of the Lamb. This means
Speaker 3: participating in monthly meetings with my spiritual director, making a
Speaker 3: monthly tithe, and two periods of mental prayer each day.
Speaker 1: Her spiritual director, father David Nicks. Mentions of him are
Speaker 1: becoming so frequent that it's impossible to ignore.
Speaker 3: Things to tell Father Dave about come and see pink blanket,
Speaker 3: lack discipline, with mortification, temptations, desires.
Speaker 1: Father Dave, as you might remember from Milana's earlier writing,
Speaker 1: is her priest and spiritual director. They meet regularly, and
Speaker 1: Alana even goes on a student missionary trip he organizes
Speaker 1: to Rwanda. In her timeline under a heading titled Father Dave,
Speaker 1: Alana bullets out, sneak out to meet him, didn't tell parents,
Speaker 1: first person to really tell about family life. Spiritual directors,
Speaker 1: and I've had a few, are usually priests who serve
Speaker 1: as spiritual guides or coaches. You confess to them and
Speaker 1: they give you advice, homework and reading material to help
Speaker 1: you on your spiritual journey. Again, these are bonus level
Speaker 1: Catholic practices. Most Catholics don't have spiritual directors, but Alana
Speaker 1: seems to be relating to him, almost like a therapist.
Speaker 1: Father Dave is from Denver, graduated pre med became a paramedic,
Speaker 1: and then a campus missionary before entering the seminary and
Speaker 1: getting ordained as a priest at the age of thirty one.
Speaker 1: His first job out of the gate happens to be
Speaker 1: at Saint Thom's Alana's church.
Speaker 3: You sent me, Father Dave to help me out of
Speaker 3: my dispar at camp. He was the first person I
Speaker 3: told my temptations to, and through him, I've felt your
Speaker 3: endless compassion.
Speaker 1: First person I told my temptations to. I can guess
Speaker 1: what she's talking about, but I'm not totally sure. And
Speaker 1: then I find several entries about a friend.
Speaker 3: I don't really remember how it started, but somewhere along
Speaker 3: the line during sophomore year, we became great friends. Then
Speaker 3: something began to stir deep beneath the surface. It was
Speaker 3: to me, but I didn't know what it was or
Speaker 3: what was happening. During these times, I always convinced myself
Speaker 3: we were just friends, but some days I imagined us
Speaker 3: holding hands or sharing a first kiss.
Speaker 7: In her car.
Speaker 3: At this point I wanted to tell her how I felt,
Speaker 3: but it was trapped within me. Father Dave said I
Speaker 3: should love her more, not less, and pray for her.
Speaker 1: It seems like Alana is sharing a lot with Father Dave,
Speaker 1: including her budding feelings for a friend another girl. Could
Speaker 1: these be the temptations she's talking about. I'm looking through
Speaker 1: Alana's emails after she passed. Her brother was able to
Speaker 1: get into her laptop and preserve access to her files
Speaker 1: and accounts. As I go through her inbox, I'm amused
Speaker 1: at how catholic it is. Updates from Saint Tom's heartfelt
Speaker 1: conversations with nuns, newsletters from an anti porn group, and
Speaker 1: many emails with Father Dave. Olana reminds him to share
Speaker 1: with her the writings of Saint John of the Cross,
Speaker 1: the medieval mystic, which she does. So it looks like
Speaker 1: he's been introducing her to the Saints, and since August
Speaker 1: of twenty fifteen, she's been subscribed to Father Dave's blog,
Speaker 1: where he sends her updates every two to three days,
Speaker 1: with posts like this one about confession from April twenty seventeen.
Speaker 1: I click on it. The post is devoted entirely to masturbation, hell,
Speaker 1: and sexual purity. Father Dave describes how pornography releases real
Speaker 1: live demons into your home who have access to your memories,
Speaker 1: and how looking at porn is actually a slippery slope
Speaker 1: towards becoming a serial killer. There are a lot of
Speaker 1: religious groups who've made this connection, similar to what's been
Speaker 1: said about violent video games and movies. He goes on
Speaker 1: too a li elaborate on how masturbation and oral sex
Speaker 1: are mortal sins, worse than pre marital sex. I'm deeply
Speaker 1: familiar with these ideas. The sheer fear of demons from
Speaker 1: hell was a big reason why I was so compulsively
Speaker 1: and mortally afraid of masturbating or having sexual thoughts about anyone.
Speaker 1: But I'm baffled by what I read. Next, he writes, quote,
Speaker 1: I believe that masturbation is a homosexual act. Many men
Speaker 1: might think that they feel manly by looking at pictures
Speaker 1: of women and masturbating, but the reality of it is
Speaker 1: it's a man's hand that is leading a man to ejaculate.
Speaker 1: Masturbation may be one reason why so many straight men
Speaker 1: become gay. End quote. I haven't heard this line of
Speaker 1: reasoning before, and I can only imagine the impact it
Speaker 1: might have had on Ilana, who's clearly taken to heart
Speaker 1: so many of these kinds of messages about sin, almost compulsively.
Speaker 1: But it brings me back to my own teenage years,
Speaker 1: when I was trying to make sense of it all,
Speaker 1: my surging hormones, my confusing emotions, my deep desire to
Speaker 1: follow God. When I met my spiritual director, I finally
Speaker 1: found someone who had answers, clear rules to follow, and
Speaker 1: even if I didn't understand everything he said, the way
Speaker 1: he said it, with confidence and certainty, like the way
Speaker 1: Father Dave writes it, gave me a deep sense of security.
Speaker 1: I go back to Alana's timeline.
Speaker 3: High school, Father Dave's surprise, hugs me at adoration, first
Speaker 3: person to come out to tells me God loves me
Speaker 3: so much.
Speaker 1: At this point, it's not even funny how much Ilana
Speaker 1: and I have in common. The first person I ever
Speaker 1: felt safe talking about my sexual and romantic feelings too
Speaker 1: was also a priest, and like Father Dave, he reacted
Speaker 1: similarly by downplaying it, telling me it was going to
Speaker 1: be okay. I remember the sense of relief. Everyone struggles
Speaker 1: with things he said to me, confessing all this wasn't
Speaker 1: really coming out, but more like sharing a temptation alongside
Speaker 1: the many other temptations I was working on. His reassurance
Speaker 1: gave me a sense of relief, like it was all
Speaker 1: a work in progress. But as I keep reading, I
Speaker 1: find something I don't expect to come.
Speaker 3: Out to tells me God loves me so much. Says
Speaker 3: not to tell parents.
Speaker 1: From Milana's own words, Father Dave told her not to
Speaker 1: tell her parents that she was having romantic feelings towards women.
Speaker 1: Why would he instruct a minor to keep secrets from
Speaker 1: her parents. I talked with Alana's mother, Joyce about this.
Speaker 1: She didn't know what secrets were being kept from her,
Speaker 1: but she starts to get suspicious about Alana's frequent confessions,
Speaker 1: and she eventually discovers that Alana's been meeting with Father
Speaker 1: Dave one on one for spiritual direction. So she books
Speaker 1: an appointment with Father d Ave directly, and Alana joins her.
Speaker 1: Here's how Joyce remembers that meeting.
Speaker 5: I said, I'm very concerned you're in here with my daughter,
Speaker 5: a minor. I imagine the door was shut. I don't know.
Speaker 5: I have no knowledge of this. I didn't give any consent.
Speaker 5: She was fourteen and you're talking to her about being
Speaker 5: a nun and she's young, like my daughter needs to
Speaker 5: go to high school and go to college. And I
Speaker 5: don't know what you're doing, Like why why don't why
Speaker 5: don't you ask me? Like this is outrageous.
Speaker 1: What happened next took her by surprise.
Speaker 5: And he just was really smug and right. He was right,
Speaker 5: and he went on and on and on. He wound
Speaker 5: up saying that I'm not Catholic really, and Alana is
Speaker 5: worried about her dad and her siblings. You know, Chris
Speaker 5: has a boyfriend and she's too young, And he said,
Speaker 5: how come you're letting her have a boyfriend that young?
Speaker 5: And then he gives me the chest, and I was
Speaker 5: just like I was blown away, Like I almost was
Speaker 5: like in shock, like we I came here because what
Speaker 5: you're doing and you have just twisted this whole thing
Speaker 5: and bashed everyone in my family, including me.
Speaker 1: Things got heated.
Speaker 5: So I remember saying to him, He's like, you're not
Speaker 5: really Catholic. I go up Catholic, but I take what
Speaker 5: I like and leave the rest. I don't like everything
Speaker 5: in the Catholic church, and that is fine. I don't
Speaker 5: believe in it. I think it's not of Jesus some
Speaker 5: of the things, because well, you're not Catholic. There's no
Speaker 5: such thing as a liberal Catholic. You're Catholic or you're
Speaker 5: not Catholic. And he started like arguing with me, you know,
Speaker 5: and I just remember Alana's head was down. She was like,
Speaker 5: you know, scared, she didn't want me to fight or
Speaker 5: anything like that.
Speaker 1: And then Alana spoke up and she.
Speaker 5: At one point she was like something like please, mommy,
Speaker 5: I want to still see him. And then so then
Speaker 5: it turned it all around. Like then it was like
Speaker 5: I said something. I felt bad for her, so I
Speaker 5: said something like she can, she can talk to you,
Speaker 5: but I'm I'm going to be outside way with the
Speaker 5: door open. And then I remember, okay. And then every
Speaker 5: time I tried to get that to happen, you know,
Speaker 5: he texts me a time and I'd say, well, I've
Speaker 5: got three kids I'm taking to tap dance and ballet,
Speaker 5: I'm a son to basketball. Like it never coordinated, and
Speaker 5: he didn't try hard all to make it work.
Speaker 1: As outrageous as Father Dave's behavior might look, I can
Speaker 1: totally relate to it. As I learned about my faith
Speaker 1: from my spiritual director, I saw it as my holy
Speaker 1: obligation to police who was Catholic and who wasn't. People
Speaker 1: needed to know the errors of their ways, and if
Speaker 1: I didn't say anything, I could be culpable for their sins.
Speaker 1: It also makes sense to me now why Father Dave
Speaker 1: may have told Ilana not to tell her parents. They
Speaker 1: would have accepted her, maybe even encouraged her to pursue
Speaker 1: a same sex relationship that would have been going against
Speaker 1: church teaching. Three months later, Father Dave is reassigned from
Speaker 1: Saint Thom's to another parish in the archdiocese. Joyce is
Speaker 1: relieved that he's out of the picture. But for Alana,
Speaker 1: who's in tenth grade at the time, she's losing the
Speaker 1: only person she feels safe with, the only one who
Speaker 1: knows her secret. As I returned to the journals, I
Speaker 1: stumble across several drafts of a letter written by Alana.
Speaker 3: Dear Archbishop Aquilla, I would like to express gratitude for
Speaker 3: the loving fatherhood of Father David Nicks, who was just
Speaker 3: recently asked to leave Saint John the twenty third.
Speaker 1: That's his fourth church assignment in three years.
Speaker 3: I know that in the past he has run into
Speaker 3: many difficulties. You have probably heard many complaints and accusations
Speaker 3: about him, and not many good things.
Speaker 2: I do not know.
Speaker 3: Why, but I strongly believe that God chose Father Dave
Speaker 3: to be an instrument for the salvation of my soul.
Speaker 3: I met him when I was fourteen years old, right
Speaker 3: as I had dedicated my life to Christ. Dave offered
Speaker 3: to be my spiritual father. He taught me to pray,
Speaker 3: to read Scripture, to go to Mass and confession. He
Speaker 3: was one who told me to volunteer at the Gift
Speaker 3: of Mary Shelter. After he left Saint Thom's, he promised
Speaker 3: he would always be my spiritual father. He has counseled
Speaker 3: me through doubt and temptation. When I was in danger
Speaker 3: of leaving the church out of despair, by the grace
Speaker 3: of God, Father Dave was there.
Speaker 1: The average church assignment for a Catholic priest is six years,
Speaker 1: but Father Dave is averaging a little over a year
Speaker 1: per assignment, and his shortest one, according to the records,
Speaker 1: lasts less than five months. That doesn't seem right. Alta's
Speaker 1: defense of Father Dave in writing to his boss, the
Speaker 1: Archbishop makes me realize just how important he was to her,
Speaker 1: and yet his frequent reassignments raise a lot of questions.
Speaker 1: According to the Catholic News Agency, Father Dave was initially
Speaker 1: held back from ordination because of quote psychological issues. Once
Speaker 1: he was ordained, it seems he couldn't hold down a job,
Speaker 1: and while the reasons for why he was moved around
Speaker 1: aren't totally clear, at least one of them, according to
Speaker 1: an email he wrote to Alana, involved a spat with
Speaker 1: a parishioner in which the police were called. The Archdiocese
Speaker 1: of Denver describes how quote, after four failed parish assignments,
Speaker 1: it became very difficult to find a pastor who would
Speaker 1: receive him end quote. By twenty fourteen, Father Dave was
Speaker 1: seeking ministry outside of Denver, including out a Latin mass
Speaker 1: community in Virginia, But according to the Archdiocese of Denver,
Speaker 1: in each case he was asked by these other dioceses
Speaker 1: to return to Denver, and then I stumble across something else.
Speaker 1: It's a journal entry that Alana wrote years later, reflecting
Speaker 1: on her meetings with Father Dave. It's clear that this
Speaker 1: man played a big role in her adolescent life, and
Speaker 1: even as a young adult, she's still processing it.
Speaker 3: I took the bus to see him, sat in a office.
Speaker 3: I felt uncomfortable with my short shorts and bare legs.
Speaker 3: He didn't say anything, though he was covered in black glasses,
Speaker 3: hair cut close to the skull. He was young and
Speaker 3: funny and passionate. He noticed me.
Speaker 6: He knew me.
Speaker 3: He knew I loved God. He knew I did not
Speaker 3: want to marry a man. I was fourteen years old.
Speaker 3: I didn't tell my parents where I was going. I
Speaker 3: didn't want anyone to know why I loved God so much.
Speaker 3: He forgave my unspeakable sin. He took my defilement and
Speaker 3: buried it. You ought to pray the Rosary every day. Later,
Speaker 3: he said, I'd better pray it five times per day
Speaker 3: to keep the temptation away. He wanted me to be holy, unblemished.
Speaker 3: He called me a diamond in the rough, the rough
Speaker 3: being my family. I came to despise my family. Only
Speaker 3: he was holy. I did everything he told me to do.
Speaker 3: They cheered. When he said he was leaving.
Speaker 1: I cried. In the wrong hands, A secret can exercise
Speaker 1: an enormous amount of control even divide someone from their family.
Speaker 1: I flashed back to the relationship I had with my
Speaker 1: spiritual director. By college, I was meeting regularly with Father William,
Speaker 1: confessing to him and talking to him about my problems,
Speaker 1: and like Alana, I had this confusing part of me
Speaker 1: that I had never acted out on or told any
Speaker 1: of my friends or family about. One day, Father William,
Speaker 1: my spiritual director, sat me down. We'd been talking about
Speaker 1: me becoming a priest for a while, and I knew
Speaker 1: this day would come. He looked me in the eyes, smiled,
Speaker 1: and carefully asked me, Simon, are you ready to answer
Speaker 1: the Lord's call? Will you join the seminary in September.
Speaker 1: My heart was pounding. I wanted to leap up and
Speaker 1: say yes. The thought of dedicating my life to serving
Speaker 1: God and his people as a priest gave me so
Speaker 1: much joy, But I held back that part of me
Speaker 1: that could never tell lies. Knew that something had to
Speaker 1: be said. There's something I have to tell you, Father William.
Speaker 1: What's that? He asked, Well, for as long as I
Speaker 1: can remember, I've struggled with some different sexual feelings. His
Speaker 1: smile faded. Of what nature? He asked I looked down
Speaker 1: of the same sex, I said, trying to avoid any
Speaker 1: loaded terms. Father William's face became like a stone wall.
Speaker 1: He took out his notebook and his ballpoint pen, wrote
Speaker 1: something on it and handed it to me. Take this,
Speaker 1: he said. These people will fix you back when you're healed.
Speaker 4: I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go.
Speaker 4: Next time.
Speaker 8: On Dear Alana, I believe that homosexuality is linked with
Speaker 8: difficulties in the early relationship with the same sex parents.
Speaker 6: We're allowing people to be who they want to be.
Speaker 6: We're not imposing.
Speaker 1: We're not forcing people to change.
Speaker 6: We're just exploring.
Speaker 4: I will follow you ever since you touched my head.
Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon
Speaker 1: Kentfong and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association
Speaker 1: with a Slapped Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.
Speaker 1: It was produced by Laur Puliski, who also composed the music.
Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our
Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup
Speaker 1: and Vanity Set, Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice
Speaker 1: actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will
Speaker 1: Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources
Speaker 1: can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show,
Speaker 1: rate and review.
Speaker 4: There is in notion to d montin so High Keep
Speaker 4: Me Away Away from the Long.
Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If
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