Speaker 1: You don't know me our confession, I can't take back
Speaker 1: all arms speak.
Speaker 2: I've got a text to seven eighty five ninety two
Speaker 2: that says, my wife doesn't know that. Our three kids
Speaker 2: are secretly named after street fighter characters. This is and
Speaker 2: Lee and Blanca. It's funny.
Speaker 3: It's actually kind of cute.
Speaker 2: Day Yeah, Brooks kids, Alder and Nora are named after
Speaker 2: a tree and fictional serial killer Norman Bates.
Speaker 4: It's very cute.
Speaker 2: Yeah, isn't that fun? Nora? So we all have our
Speaker 2: secrets and you can let them out here anonymously and
Speaker 2: guilt free. Right here on the mass speaker, We've got
Speaker 2: a woman ready to come clean about her life. She
Speaker 2: wants to go by Lauren today. Lauren, welcome to the show.
Speaker 3: High you sound like Lorem Bates. No, okay, trying to.
Speaker 4: Else.
Speaker 2: We're ready to hear you voice changers on. You're the
Speaker 2: mass speaker. Whenever you're ready, let's hear your confession.
Speaker 1: Well, I used to have this coworker apprentice.
Speaker 3: Who apprentice was the name or they were an apprentice.
Speaker 1: No, his name is Prentice, and he was actually as
Speaker 1: pretentious as his name.
Speaker 3: I like how she's masking her identity. But it's totally
Speaker 3: old coworkers.
Speaker 4: His name is spelled p r E.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Here's his address, by the way, So I take it we.
Speaker 3: Don't like him.
Speaker 1: No, he was hired from our office and I inherited
Speaker 1: this job. He actually trained to be on it. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's performance metrics. I don't know if you know what
Speaker 1: that is.
Speaker 3: It's something that the show doesn't do well when they.
Speaker 1: Could.
Speaker 2: You summarize it in like terms.
Speaker 1: Essentially, it's like taking data for the company and turning
Speaker 1: it into reports.
Speaker 5: Okay, oh okay, sounds exciting.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm trying to be positive.
Speaker 2: You're God bless you yea.
Speaker 1: And for doing that, well, somebody has to. So he
Speaker 1: created this technique and he was really precise about how
Speaker 1: I needed to do it, and he was really snooty
Speaker 1: about the whole thing. It took about ten hours a
Speaker 1: day for him to do these reports. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: didn't handle it.
Speaker 2: He didn't think you could handle it. No, he told
Speaker 2: you that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, oh oh, well, I wouldn't want to handle ten
Speaker 5: hours a day either.
Speaker 3: I mean that's awful. Sounds like you're not doing a
Speaker 3: good job there. Yeah, if he could come up with
Speaker 3: a better technique.
Speaker 1: So when he left, I figured out a way to
Speaker 1: automate it down to an hour.
Speaker 3: Oh way, oh man.
Speaker 4: Hold on, you found some productivity.
Speaker 3: Older people always are doing the slow way. Yeah, so
Speaker 3: she was. He was writing it down on paper and
Speaker 3: I opened Excel.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean a good Excel formulas can save you like
Speaker 3: so much.
Speaker 4: Time if you think about it. This guy robbed the
Speaker 4: company then every day.
Speaker 3: And how he thought it was supposed to be done,
Speaker 3: but it could have been.
Speaker 2: Done four hours and you were able to do it
Speaker 2: in one hour a day.
Speaker 1: Well. I also then figured out a way to get
Speaker 1: it down to a minute with a ten minute quality check.
Speaker 3: What what so you're doing eleven minutes of work?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and my boss thinks I'm doing ten hours. And
Speaker 1: I just like search the internet.
Speaker 4: Way way, you're robbing the company.
Speaker 2: That's all that you do?
Speaker 1: Yep?
Speaker 2: Oh, I thought she was like, Please tell the guy
Speaker 2: got in trouble.
Speaker 4: I told them, no, this is about you. You are
Speaker 4: still using this.
Speaker 5: Please tell me you work from home and you're not
Speaker 5: sitting in an office for.
Speaker 3: Ten hours to me, because I don't know that it's
Speaker 3: worth it.
Speaker 1: I do work from home.
Speaker 2: Get away with So your boss thinks that you're doing
Speaker 2: forty fifty hour grueling work weeks, like assembling these reports,
Speaker 2: and it really just takes you a minute a day.
Speaker 1: Yep, Oh my god.
Speaker 5: Man, Jeous, So you are a productivity manager. It sounds
Speaker 5: like you're good at productivity. You want to come over
Speaker 5: here and work some of our systems?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I mean I'd be happy to spend.
Speaker 2: The time, clearly, Yeah, get in Wow.
Speaker 3: That do you feel guilty? Ever?
Speaker 4: No, they don't notice. So if it's a corporation, they
Speaker 4: have a certain budget a.
Speaker 5: Lot of because like, no, it's an old family organization
Speaker 5: that there's only three other employees, but it is a
Speaker 5: big corporation, right that you work for a pretty.
Speaker 1: Big company, and the medium sire it's like.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, so it's not like a tiny mom and pop.
Speaker 1: Okay, we don't feel bad. Man.
Speaker 2: I thought Prentice is listening to this, just hating himself
Speaker 2: right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah to me, thinking that I couldn't even do the
Speaker 1: job that he hired before. And I kind of hope
Speaker 1: he's into this. I mean, I hope he realized that
Speaker 1: he's been wasting his life.
Speaker 4: Sudernadian. You turned his whole career into like a ten minute.
Speaker 5: Yeah, he's like, so, little lady, this is a computer.
Speaker 3: It may be too much for your brain to handle.
Speaker 4: I know it's not power, but this symbol does mean power.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean that's what you got right.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, we got another Tex seven eighty five nine too.
Speaker 2: That says. When I was a kid, I passed gas
Speaker 2: into a little box over and over for a full year.
Speaker 2: Before long the box was successfully weaponized and ready for deployment.
Speaker 2: So whenever my older brother was mean to me, I'd
Speaker 2: steal his Oakley sunglasses, put them in the box to
Speaker 2: marinate overnight, and then I'd quietly return that you need help.
Speaker 2: That's what happens when you have too much free time.
Speaker 4: Just I don't even.
Speaker 3: Want to know if please can soak that up or not.
Speaker 3: It's just wrong.
Speaker 4: Normal brother and crops.
Speaker 2: Yeah, keep your text coming in seven eighty five nine two.
Speaker 2: If you have a confession you've been holding on to,
Speaker 2: we can hide your identity, mask your voice, and make
Speaker 2: you the next mass speaker. We got your phone tap
Speaker 2: coming up.
Speaker 3: Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning,