Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: New York, the only city in America. It's the show
Speaker 2: that you said news. It's the Daily Show with.
Speaker 3: Your home Sarah Daily Show.
Speaker 4: I am Sarah Silverman, back by popular demand. Popular is
Speaker 4: my Nano's name. I'm kidding, she's dead, but it was
Speaker 4: her stripper name. We've got a great show for you tonight.
Speaker 4: So let's get right into headlines. Let's kick things off
Speaker 4: with the reason most of the people in this audience
Speaker 4: could not sleep.
Speaker 5: Well last night.
Speaker 4: A new poll shows Joe Biden getting trounced by Donald
Speaker 4: Trump in almost every single swing state. Don't panic, It's
Speaker 4: still too early to say Biden will definitely lose. He
Speaker 4: could absolutely die in his sleep. Instead, I'm just saying
Speaker 4: this is really scary for liberals. And I mean actually scary,
Speaker 4: not like they took Hamilton off Disney Plus scary. You
Speaker 4: know what I'm gonna be honest, I like a scary
Speaker 4: poll number puts a little fire under your tikis. This
Speaker 4: is a wake up call to Joe Biden. I mean no, really, Joe,
Speaker 4: wake up. And what makes these poll numbers particularly shocking
Speaker 4: is that the man Biden is losing to is currently
Speaker 4: on trial in every jurisdiction in America.
Speaker 5: In fact, today in New York, former President.
Speaker 4: Donald Trump actually took the stand to defend against accusations
Speaker 4: his company admitted fraud, and things went just about as
Speaker 4: well as you would expect.
Speaker 6: Within minutes of Trump taking the stand, a battle with
Speaker 6: the judge quickly unfolded. Judge Arthur and Goren accused Trump
Speaker 6: of making long winded speeches, not answering questions, and even
Speaker 6: threatened to excuse the former president. The judge told defense attorneys, quote,
Speaker 6: I beseech you to control him if you can.
Speaker 5: If you can't, I will so far I mean, Caitlin,
Speaker 5: It's fair to say this has really been a mess.
Speaker 5: Here's one example.
Speaker 7: When asked by prosecutors whether he was involved in the
Speaker 7: preparation of Keith and Agil documents in twenty twenty one,
Speaker 7: Trump's answer, no, I was dealing with China, Russia and
Speaker 7: keeping our country safe. The New York Attorney General's lead
Speaker 7: lawyer then reminded him he was not president in twenty
Speaker 7: twenty one.
Speaker 4: Honestly, I get why he's confused. I also get confused
Speaker 4: because it feels like he was president for a thousand years.
Speaker 8: I can't.
Speaker 4: I cannot even remember who was president before Trump, Like
Speaker 4: was it a Rutherford, B.
Speaker 5: Hayes or something. I mean, of course Trump isn't focused.
Speaker 4: He's got like seventeen other court cases he's dealing with.
Speaker 4: He probably doesn't even know what he was in court for.
Speaker 4: I bet he was on the stand, like is this
Speaker 4: the insurrection one or the mushroom Dick porn star one?
Speaker 5: And by the way, if I had.
Speaker 4: Donald Trump under oath, I wouldn't be wasting.
Speaker 5: Time asking about financial statements.
Speaker 4: This is my chance to find out the answers to
Speaker 4: every question I've had about him. Ever, is there a
Speaker 4: Milania clone? Is there a pee tape? If you had
Speaker 4: to do a Sophie's Choice with one of your adult sons,
Speaker 4: would it be both? You know, let's move on because,
Speaker 4: as you know, ever since war broke out in the
Speaker 4: Middle East, hate crimes have been on the rise here
Speaker 4: in America. Luckily, some of the people committing these hate
Speaker 4: crimes are not the brightest candles.
Speaker 5: In the Minora, a.
Speaker 8: Woman faces charges after confessing to a crash targeting the
Speaker 8: Indianapolis Jewish community. I am arrested Ruba Amagatha late Friday night,
Speaker 8: please say she drove into a building and told officer
Speaker 8: she thought it was an israel school and that she
Speaker 8: did it on purpose.
Speaker 6: In fact, the building belongs to the Black Hebrew Israelites,
Speaker 6: which is designated by the Anti Defamation League as an
Speaker 6: anti Semitic hate.
Speaker 5: Group that believes Jews are Satanic.
Speaker 4: She meant to crash into a building full of Jews,
Speaker 4: but ended up crashing into a building full of people
Speaker 4: who hate Jews. Like what a meet cute coming soon?
Speaker 5: The enemy of my enemy is my lover for real though.
Speaker 4: Hate crimes are bad enough, but what makes this even
Speaker 4: worse is that she's perpetuating the stereotype that women are
Speaker 4: bad drivers. This woman's troubles are just beginning. Wait until
Speaker 4: she meets her public defender, Joel Rabinowitz.
Speaker 5: Is he Jew?
Speaker 4: And finally, let's move on to Washington, DC, where the
Speaker 4: new Speaker of the House just keeps getting weirder and weirder.
Speaker 7: Speaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted he and his
Speaker 7: son used software to monitor if the other was watching porn.
Speaker 9: County Ability partner right now is Jack my son?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 9: And so he's seventeen? So he and I get a
Speaker 9: report of all the things that are on our phones
Speaker 9: or all of our devices. Once a week, if anything
Speaker 9: objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice.
Speaker 1: The Louisiana Republican installed accountability software called Covenant Eyes so
Speaker 1: that he and his seventeen year old son Jack would
Speaker 1: abstain from going to X rated internet sites. The website
Speaker 1: promotes itself as a way to help those with porn addictions.
Speaker 10: Every superhero has the streams my weakness a superpowerful strength.
Speaker 11: My weakness porn.
Speaker 4: These Marvel movies are really running out of ideas. Why
Speaker 4: is he a superhero whose weakness is porn?
Speaker 5: Like? What is that origin story?
Speaker 4: Did his parents die masturbating to horny MILFs? Was he
Speaker 4: hit with a radioactive money shot? And if Mike Johnson
Speaker 4: doesn't want to encourage his son to masturbate, why did
Speaker 4: he name him Jack? I mean, you should meet his
Speaker 4: other kids, Tug and his daughter fingerblasts.
Speaker 5: I've below that joke. I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: There is no way this app is going to stop
Speaker 4: people from masturbating, especially seventeen year old boys. Seventeen year
Speaker 4: olds don't need porn, They can jerk off to anything.
Speaker 4: His dad must be like he really doesn't look at
Speaker 4: porn at all. He just spent all his day browsing
Speaker 4: and tailor loft. Seriously, don't use an app to find
Speaker 4: out if your son is masturbating. Just do it the
Speaker 4: old fashioned way. See if his sock shatters like an icicle.
Speaker 4: For more in this story, we go live to the
Speaker 4: Capitol and our political correspondent Michael Costa. Now, in full
Speaker 4: the spirit of full transparency, I chose Michael as my
Speaker 4: covenant eyes accountability buddy, which means if I look at
Speaker 4: online porn, you'll get a notification.
Speaker 10: And who better Sarah to trust with your most private
Speaker 10: struggles than a random coworker you only talk to on television.
Speaker 10: Although to be clear, Sarah, we could be friends.
Speaker 5: So Michael, back to the story.
Speaker 4: Doesn't this revelation ruin Mike Johnson's reputation as a series.
Speaker 5: Are you a Speaker of the House?
Speaker 1: Not at all, Sarah.
Speaker 10: In fact, Mike Johnson is the kind of guy you
Speaker 10: want holding the speaker's galvel. For one, he's got two
Speaker 10: free hands, we know that. And secondly, do you know
Speaker 10: how much you can accomplish when you're not wasting all
Speaker 10: your time massaging the pig snout. Plus, this gives him
Speaker 10: that pent up, mere bursting energy that says I'm a
Speaker 10: soft breeze away from exploding all over this carpet, which
Speaker 10: which is helpful in a negotiating room, especially if that
Speaker 10: room has carpet. But the only downside here is that
Speaker 10: Johnson might not Sorry, hold on, I just got a
Speaker 10: notification from Covenant Eyes, Sarah in the middle of my report.
Speaker 5: You're searching for that kind of thing.
Speaker 4: No, no, no, no, no, this is funny. It's for Thanksgiving.
Speaker 4: I was actually looking up a recipe for cream pie.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, inappropriate.
Speaker 5: I should not be on my phone. Were talking about
Speaker 5: the Democrats.
Speaker 10: No, I wasn't. Although that's a good point. This gives
Speaker 10: Joe Biden an opportunity to contrast himself from Mike Johnson.
Speaker 10: He could be the politician who's into porn. He already
Speaker 10: kind of has the look, you know, he's he's got
Speaker 10: the slick back hair, he drives a corvette. He's always
Speaker 10: squinting like he just saw something he likes. But he
Speaker 10: doesn't know why, you know, Sarah, if Biden can pull
Speaker 10: that off before Sorry, I'm buzzing again, Sarah.
Speaker 5: What, No, it's not porn. It's not porn.
Speaker 4: I'm in the process of moving and I need two
Speaker 4: guys to come and pack my box.
Speaker 10: In horizontal mode.
Speaker 4: Listen, let's talk about the security issue here. This website
Speaker 4: is monitoring everything Mike Johnson looks at that could include
Speaker 4: sensitive classified information.
Speaker 10: Yeah, but but that's the price we pay for moral rectitude. Sure,
Speaker 10: Russia could hacken to Coven and Eyes and get access
Speaker 10: to our nuclear codes. But I sleep a little easier
Speaker 10: at night knowing Mike Johnson isn't seeing what's happening to
Speaker 10: our nation's step moms. Now, of course he could take
Speaker 10: security measures like oh God, hold on, Sarah, seriously.
Speaker 4: Oh sorry, I was genuinely curious if I could play
Speaker 4: this game without coming in five seconds?
Speaker 2: Could you?
Speaker 5: Yes, Michael costs everybody with.
Speaker 12: Mike jnsin, so don't go away.
Speaker 5: Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 4: Just before the break, we were talking about the new
Speaker 4: Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, and how he uses
Speaker 4: some weird app to share porn alerts with his son,
Speaker 4: which nobody knew about because before this guy became speaker,
Speaker 4: nobody knew.
Speaker 5: Anything about him.
Speaker 4: So if you're wondering if there's anything else you need
Speaker 4: to know about Mike Johnson. He's the subject of the
Speaker 4: newest Daily Show ography.
Speaker 11: In the fall of twenty twenty three, Republicans in the
Speaker 11: United States House of Representatives were battling to choose a
Speaker 11: new leader. He would need to be crazy enough to
Speaker 11: win over the far right, but boring enough that he
Speaker 11: wouldn't spook the slightly less far right, and so the
Speaker 11: party settled on Mike Johnson. No wait, sorry, that's him.
Speaker 11: But who is Mike Johnson?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 5: Really, who the is he? Many people are asking who
Speaker 5: is Mike Johnson? Who is Mike Johnson exactly?
Speaker 13: Senator Susan Collins said, quote, I was going to google him.
Speaker 11: This morning, and after Susan Collins saw millions upon millions
Speaker 11: of images of dis she found this.
Speaker 9: People are curious, what does Mike Johnson think about any
Speaker 9: issue under the sun? I said, well, go pick up
Speaker 9: a Bible off your jelf and read it. That's my
Speaker 9: world head, That's what I believed.
Speaker 11: Jesus Christ the GOP had found the man so bland
Speaker 11: he'll put you to sleep, but so insane he might
Speaker 11: murder you in it. This is the Daily showography of
Speaker 11: Mike Johnson. Crazy boring. Long before America knew Mike Johnson
Speaker 11: as an alive man with a face and hair and
Speaker 11: body parts who was two heartbeats away from the presidency,
Speaker 11: he was just a boy who had a smaller face
Speaker 11: and hair and body parts. Growing up in Louisiana. In
Speaker 11: nineteen eighty four, when Johnson was twelve, his fireman father
Speaker 11: narrowly survived an explosion. Later, Johnson recalled all I ever
Speaker 11: aspired to be was a fireman, but his parents wouldn't
Speaker 11: let us be fireman. After that, it was a life
Speaker 11: changing moment. A person could just forbid other people from
Speaker 11: living their lives the way they wanted. That's what Mike
Speaker 11: wanted to do when he grew up. Soon, Mike became
Speaker 11: the first member of his family to attend college. Despite
Speaker 11: his Bible based upbringing, he chose notorious party school LSU,
Speaker 11: where he was definitely not in this footage. After graduating
Speaker 11: LSU Law School, this generic man married his generic life partner,
Speaker 11: but don't worry, their marriage also had a crazy side.
Speaker 11: Mike and Kelly were wed under an unusual arrangement known
Speaker 11: as covenant marriage, which essentially makes it illegal to get divorced.
Speaker 11: Embarking on his legal career, Mike Johnson was hired by
Speaker 11: the toughest client of all God. As an advocate for
Speaker 11: evangelical organizations. Johnson fought to close abortion clinics, denounce birth
Speaker 11: control as the taking of human life, and declared gay
Speaker 11: marriage the dark.
Speaker 8: Carventer of cant sexual erarchy that could do even the strongest.
Speaker 11: If same sex marriage is allowed, Johnson wrote, there would
Speaker 11: be nothing to stop people from marrying their pets. Yes,
Speaker 11: God's blandest warrior fought to make sure a visit to
Speaker 11: the Pound didn't end with a trip to poundtown. It
Speaker 11: was around this time that Johnson hopped on board Noah's Arc,
Speaker 11: specifically a full sized replica built by a creationist museum
Speaker 11: to teach kids that the Earth is six thousand years
Speaker 11: old and that people and dinosaurs lived together. Johnson represented
Speaker 11: the Arc Encounter in a successful fight for the right
Speaker 11: to public funding, and became something of a spokesman for
Speaker 11: God's jungle cruise.
Speaker 9: The Ark Encounter is one way to bring people to
Speaker 9: this recognition of the truth that what we read in
Speaker 9: the Bible are actual historical events.
Speaker 11: In twenty sixteen, Johnson would take part in an actual
Speaker 11: historical event of his own. Getting elected to Congress. As
Speaker 11: a new congressman, Johnson signed a pledge to play nicely
Speaker 11: with the other representatives, even the godless perverts, and.
Speaker 9: We've all committed to mutually respect one another, to to
Speaker 9: disagree in an agreeable manner.
Speaker 11: It was another beautiful covenant marriage, and Johnson has been
Speaker 11: true to his word, maintaining a perfectly inoffensive civil demeanor
Speaker 11: as he championed Donald Trump's Muslim ban, shrugged off climate
Speaker 11: change as natural, and pushed for a nationwide Don't Say
Speaker 11: Gay law. One of Johnson's most notable bills would ban
Speaker 11: almost all abortions after six weeks, and not just to
Speaker 11: save the unborn babies, also to save social security.
Speaker 9: Rob Wade gave constitutional cover to the elective killing of
Speaker 9: unborn children in America. If we had all those able
Speaker 9: bodied workers in the economy, we wouldn't be going upside
Speaker 9: down and toppling over like this.
Speaker 11: Finally, somebody's thinking of the able bodied workers women should
Speaker 11: be being out against the rower. Then came the twenty
Speaker 11: twenty election. As the holder of an actual law degree,
Speaker 11: albeit from LSU, Johnson was uniquely qualified to craft the
Speaker 11: arguments that Donald Trump would use in his efforts to
Speaker 11: get the results overturned in court, which is how Johnson
Speaker 11: finally became interesting enough to earn a nickname.
Speaker 4: Mega Mike Johnson, Maga Mike Johnson, Mega Mike Johnson.
Speaker 1: I kind of liked that.
Speaker 11: Yes, Mike Johnson finally had it all, a reputation as
Speaker 11: a lunatic among the people who knew him, but no
Speaker 11: reputation at all among anyone else. Shit did it again,
Speaker 11: And that's how crazy boring Mike Johnson achieved his hard
Speaker 11: won victory to become the least experienced house speaker in
Speaker 11: one hundred and forty years. You know, back when dinosaurs
Speaker 11: roamed the earth.
Speaker 6: We call that.
Speaker 4: Joel Madden been joining me on the should.
Speaker 5: Welcome back to the Dailey Show.
Speaker 4: My guest tonight is an artist an entrepreneur. You know
Speaker 4: him from the band Good Charlotte. He's also the host
Speaker 4: of Paramount plus reality competition series ink Master. Please welcome
Speaker 4: Joel Madam. I don't have a tattoo, but my sister
Speaker 4: Laura has many tattoos, and she convinced my dad many
Speaker 4: years ago to get a tattoo on his ass of
Speaker 4: my stepmother's name, Janice.
Speaker 13: I love an ass tattoo.
Speaker 4: He he loved showing it to people, and I had
Speaker 4: to be like, Dad, keep the front of your pants up.
Speaker 5: Its well, what I have?
Speaker 4: I have a quick montage of my dad being extremely
Speaker 4: stoic getting his tattoo.
Speaker 11: Oh yeah, wants it it, It's done, Jesus.
Speaker 5: Oh, I mean.
Speaker 13: Best part of an ass tattoo? What the screaming getting
Speaker 13: it and then showing it?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean I get it when people get the
Speaker 4: tattoos in places all of a sudden, like someone gets
Speaker 4: one like a tramp stamp and then they.
Speaker 5: Have to wear half shirts for the rest of their lives.
Speaker 5: It's so on your.
Speaker 4: Show, they're human canvases that the contest are using.
Speaker 5: For these tattoos. That's what we call them.
Speaker 4: Do you I mean as you assess it and criticize it,
Speaker 4: and like, do you feel bad talking shit about something
Speaker 4: that is going to be on someone's body forever?
Speaker 5: Okay?
Speaker 13: So all everyone who has ever gotten more than one
Speaker 13: tattoo has gotten a bad tattoo, Yes for sure. So
Speaker 13: part of you feels like it's to write a passage
Speaker 13: for them to get their bad tattoo. But okay, but
Speaker 13: it part of the competition. No, one's getting a terrible
Speaker 13: tattoo on ning Master. All the tattoo artists are great,
Speaker 13: but we are trying to to It's like splitting hair sometimes,
Speaker 13: but we do have to find what's wrong with the
Speaker 13: tattoos to get people off the competition, so we have
Speaker 13: to we have to critique them. It doesn't feel great, right,
Speaker 13: they're obviously not standing the person with the tattoo is
Speaker 13: not standing there.
Speaker 11: Well they're not.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, I have a screenshot of the You're like,
Speaker 4: this is a piece of ship.
Speaker 5: You've ruined this person's.
Speaker 13: Yes, yes, yes, it's the best part and the worst part.
Speaker 4: I was talking to you before, and I don't have
Speaker 4: a tattoo, but I would like to get one. But
Speaker 4: I wanted to, like all right, I wanted to, you know,
Speaker 4: have meaning or represent something I love. But I was like,
Speaker 4: I don't love anything, like I guess like I like
Speaker 4: TV and I like long one single rose.
Speaker 5: That was a joke. Roses are great.
Speaker 13: I have a great idea. So you get everyone in
Speaker 13: the audience to write their name down.
Speaker 5: I'm loving you.
Speaker 13: Put it in a hat. I put it in a hat.
Speaker 5: Put it put all the names in a hat. Huh.
Speaker 13: Draw a name from the hat and then get a
Speaker 13: tattooed on your neck. It will yes, Sarah, Yes, Sarah,
Speaker 13: It will make their life forever. First of all, the
Speaker 13: press alone that would come off of that, and then
Speaker 13: you know you have a connection with this person that
Speaker 13: you you know, in this wonderful city in New York.
Speaker 13: Someone in New York walking around saying, you know, Sarah
Speaker 13: has my name tattooed on her?
Speaker 5: Is Sharon b Envenue full name, full name, full name.
Speaker 4: Absolutely what tattoos have you seen that We're either terrible amazing.
Speaker 5: I will tell you one tattoo.
Speaker 4: I only heard tell of it, but it's the greatest
Speaker 4: tattoo I've ever heard of.
Speaker 5: And I feel like it's timeless. Pray tell it's mister.
Speaker 4: Spock, uh, you know from Star Trek love him and
Speaker 4: he's thinking Leonard Nimoy as mister Spock and he's thinking
Speaker 4: and then there's thought bubbles, and then what he's thinking
Speaker 4: of is himself with a mustache.
Speaker 5: I would never be sick of that. I feel like
Speaker 5: that's timeless.
Speaker 13: We call those ironic tattoos.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, that's like the mustache here you go, or like.
Speaker 13: Fun tattooed on your knee funny.
Speaker 5: Yeah, don't too music. I have a bad tattoo. Oh
Speaker 5: what is it?
Speaker 13: It's a dragon on my leg that looks like a seahorse.
Speaker 5: Did you want it to look like a sea horse?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 13: I got it in the basement when I was seventeen
Speaker 13: or eighteen, and it was the guy's first or second
Speaker 13: time tattooing.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I bet you made his day, like I'm going
Speaker 4: to make one of their day.
Speaker 1: That guy was.
Speaker 5: Famous and I ruined his leg. His name was Dragon Seahorse.
Speaker 4: Hey, listen, you just played with good Charlotte for the
Speaker 4: first time in five years.
Speaker 5: How was it? Getting back up there?
Speaker 2: Was great?
Speaker 13: Thank you, It was fantastic. We had a great time.
Speaker 13: We haven't played in five years, except we did play
Speaker 13: my little sister in law's wedding, which was really our
Speaker 13: first show in five years. But we only did four
Speaker 13: songs there or five songs. But we played it when
Speaker 13: we were young in Vegas. Yes, lull Wayne came out,
Speaker 13: Wezy came out, played it, did a couple songs with us.
Speaker 5: It was awesome sing some tight harms with you. Yeah,
Speaker 5: you had your hit song twenty two years ago.
Speaker 4: Life styles of the rich and Famous just like the
Speaker 4: Robin Lee Show.
Speaker 5: Just like the show.
Speaker 4: I mean, if you were to do that to like
Speaker 4: if you, if you in two thousand and two, yes,
Speaker 4: saw you now in twenty twenty three.
Speaker 5: Do you think you would be an element in that song?
Speaker 13: Yes, I would say, well the song was less of
Speaker 13: a critique and more of a maybe a manifestation.
Speaker 5: Oh, there's so with you there.
Speaker 13: I don't know if I walk around and think of
Speaker 13: myself as rich and famous, right, but you know there's
Speaker 13: some irony there.
Speaker 5: Yeah, all right.
Speaker 4: Let's talk about Beeps, which I'm very interested in. You
Speaker 4: co founded veeps, which is a streaming service where people
Speaker 4: can see president I'm kidding you say vice presidents. Oh yeah,
Speaker 4: don't do better jokes to me.
Speaker 13: I actually, this is this is We've been working on
Speaker 13: this for seven years. It's a streaming platform for live concerts.
Speaker 13: And we just launched comedy. So where we feel like
Speaker 13: there's a place for comedy when you can't get the
Speaker 13: big special you know, on Netflix or wherever, we feel
Speaker 13: like there's a big hole for comedians to develop their
Speaker 13: specials and to you know, make their way up to
Speaker 13: the top of the comedy game.
Speaker 5: Oh that's so exciting. I know so many people that
Speaker 5: would be amazing. Yeah, well you should send them over.
Speaker 9: I will.
Speaker 13: Yeah, And it's definitely it's a great platform too. For
Speaker 13: the future of live music is absolutely people watch sports.
Speaker 13: They expect to be able to watch whatever the game
Speaker 13: they want. People want to see from every tour that
Speaker 13: goes out, tickets sell out. We all know how that
Speaker 13: goes more and more. There needs to be a place
Speaker 13: for concerts and for bands to build their live audiences,
Speaker 13: and so live streaming is important to us and being
Speaker 13: a musician. We started it for the musicians.
Speaker 5: Hot shit.
Speaker 4: These guys a new seasoning Masters Streaming now exclusively on
Speaker 4: Paramount Class. We're going to take a quick break.
Speaker 5: That's a show for tonight.
Speaker 4: Before we go, please consider donating to the Sclera Derma
Speaker 4: Research Foundation. They are the nation's leading nonprofit investor in
Speaker 4: scleroderma research aimed at seeking out improved therapies and hopefully
Speaker 4: a cure. If you can, please donate at the link below.
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