Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys Book. I'm Christina,
Speaker 1: I'm Corren. We're sorry about last night, the anti slut
Speaker 1: shaming podcast. I never stopped. Hey fucker's Welcome to another
Speaker 1: episode of Guys We Fuck. It's the anti slut shaming podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm Karin. I'm Christina. How the fun you're doing? I'm
Speaker 1: so one good? How are you? I have so much
Speaker 1: makeup on I got Yeah, we're sitting here in uh
Speaker 1: so an hour's worth of hair and makeup. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: Krin and I got a photo shoot today. Shout out
Speaker 1: to Eric Corniman and Glennys Glenna Franklin. I'm funk. I've
Speaker 1: been calling on Glennis. Have you really Glenna's here's a
Speaker 1: comedian named Glennys. Yeah is whoop stays Glenna Franklin. Glenna
Speaker 1: Franklin is all amazing makeup bars um. And then we
Speaker 1: came back to my apartment to record this year intro. Hello,
Speaker 1: and we ordered Blockheads burritos, all kinds of shoutouts right now.
Speaker 1: And then I was outside with giant amount of makeup on,
Speaker 1: uh and the guy, the delivery guy, came up and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh you are your apartment whatever whatever,
Speaker 1: my apartment. He goes, oh, yeah, you care in Fisher
Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, that's me, and he goes, wow,
Speaker 1: you look beautiful, and I was like, oh god, this
Speaker 1: is not this is because this is too much makeup
Speaker 1: for like a real life interaction. I mean, I like
Speaker 1: a lot of makeup, but I mean yours looks less.
Speaker 1: There's just serifying. There's just certain people that you don't
Speaker 1: want to have that kind of sexual encounter with. And
Speaker 1: the person delivering your Blackheads burritos is one of those people.
Speaker 1: Exactly when you're uber driver driver. You know, he was
Speaker 1: a nice guy. He was a nice young fella chaining
Speaker 1: up his bike and I was like, let me save
Speaker 1: you some time, buddy. I think you're going to my apartment.
Speaker 1: And then he thinks from you and then he's telling
Speaker 1: me how great my makeup books. And then I look
Speaker 1: like a dancer and I was like, you mean stripper
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, always that because I was like,
Speaker 1: you know, you know ballet dancers with their excessive makeup. Yeah,
Speaker 1: those horrors always take it on. It's so annoying. And
Speaker 1: I was like, all right, that was a stripper couple.
Speaker 1: That that's fine. I don't care. And uh. And then
Speaker 1: as I was walking in and my butt was towards him,
Speaker 1: he goes shake that ass and I was like, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I hate you. Just leave ruined it, sir, you ruined it.
Speaker 1: You were very polite. And then he sucked it up.
Speaker 1: It's so bad. But sometimes I just walk around New
Speaker 1: York and I just like whispered to myself, God, I
Speaker 1: hate men. I do it a lot and I don't.
Speaker 1: And when I say it doesn't, I don't mean literally
Speaker 1: all men, but I mean almost all men, only the
Speaker 1: men who were ship heads like that. I mean a
Speaker 1: good I gotta be honest with mean a good amount
Speaker 1: of None of the men that I know that I
Speaker 1: am friends with would do anything. Yeah no, no, no, none,
Speaker 1: None of the people who exist in what I call
Speaker 1: the inner circle. But yeah, no, just a lot of
Speaker 1: times I'm just looking around looking at them. Some guys
Speaker 1: stopped me on the street yesterday before our show and
Speaker 1: he's like, I see that you have a bag that
Speaker 1: says vood you on it. I'm like, my god, I
Speaker 1: went to New Orleans and I got a little carried away. Um,
Speaker 1: you want to he's in your hair? He was like,
Speaker 1: my my, he's like my friend. And this guy was like,
Speaker 1: uh fifty five and he was like but like it
Speaker 1: showed it, um, but I could tell he was like
Speaker 1: he was like hot and DTF like back in the
Speaker 1: day and like honestly for an older guy, like not
Speaker 1: I love hot older guy. Yeah, he wasn't even like
Speaker 1: but he was like smoking a cigarette, a little dirty,
Speaker 1: like just my type. But but he was like, I
Speaker 1: have an extra ticket my friends playing at uh Rockwood
Speaker 1: Music Hall. He's like, do you want to come? And
Speaker 1: I was like and then and I was like very
Speaker 1: dull up. I was like, no, I actually have my
Speaker 1: own show. And then no one ever thinks I'm a
Speaker 1: comedian because I don't. I'm not eighty thousand pounds overweight
Speaker 1: with a gimp leg. I don't know any of comedians
Speaker 1: that are like that. That's what people that's everyone's pers
Speaker 1: that's what people think comedians look like. Like. I have
Speaker 1: a fucking peg leg and a parrot on my and
Speaker 1: a shoulder I've denter's fallen out of my mouth of
Speaker 1: banana I don't know, and a bag of puppet I'm
Speaker 1: just sure what people think a comedian looks like. I
Speaker 1: guess funnier. I guess my face isn't that funny? So
Speaker 1: um and and then he did, what do you do music?
Speaker 1: And I was like, no, no, I actually am. I'm
Speaker 1: a comedian. I always tell people open the floodgates though.
Speaker 1: I tell people just because when people say, what are
Speaker 1: you us thinking? It annoys me that they always think
Speaker 1: it's like something like quote unquote girl. And they always
Speaker 1: think I'm a stripper. They always think they if they
Speaker 1: think that means like twice on the streets a guy,
Speaker 1: I thought them a stripper and then this fucking burrito guy.
Speaker 1: People always think, I mean like musician. Wow, I guess
Speaker 1: you got a musician's face. Well, people ask me if
Speaker 1: I smoke a lot, So I think I do have
Speaker 1: some kind of like a rock and roll maybe. Look,
Speaker 1: I think that's what it is. Yeah, like a young Jona.
Speaker 1: Remember in New Orleans when we wanted to go to
Speaker 1: McDonald's last week. I had to go to McDonald's and
Speaker 1: then only the drive through was open twenty four hours.
Speaker 1: So we walked to Burger King because Google Maps said
Speaker 1: it was twenty four hours. But then we got there
Speaker 1: and it was only the drive through, and we walked
Speaker 1: up and I stopped my feet a couple of times
Speaker 1: just to get the attention, not to you know, have
Speaker 1: a tantrum. Well, because we thought that would set off
Speaker 1: the center of the car, because we're like, you know,
Speaker 1: surely Christina hard since weighs as much as an suv. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got this correct. Don't even worry about it. We'll
Speaker 1: sit go sit on that parking block. Uh. And then
Speaker 1: and then we went back to McDonald's. Didn't work. And
Speaker 1: then we ordered an uber and we're like, can you
Speaker 1: go to the drive through? I believe you ordered a lift. Oh,
Speaker 1: you're right, we did order a lift. I've been super
Speaker 1: conscious of it and only using lift good you get
Speaker 1: rides and ships. Well, it's also they also we had
Speaker 1: a long eye, little long conversation with one of the
Speaker 1: drivers and they're like, oh, we actually do treat their
Speaker 1: drivers better. And they're like, and it's cheaper. And I
Speaker 1: was like, you had me a cheaper Yeah. I was like, cool, cool,
Speaker 1: we equal working or whatever. Less money for me. I'm
Speaker 1: in Oh my god. Yeah, it's been a fun week.
Speaker 1: I came home me and you know, I was given James,
Speaker 1: you know, uh, thank god, I'm home. Blow job, and
Speaker 1: how happy are you that I'm here right now? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're welcome times to blow job. And then he he
Speaker 1: was just like, let's sixty nine. And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that is the most annoying position exactly, so annoying and pointless.
Speaker 1: I was like, I fucking he knows I hate sixty nine.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what does he like it? And
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm just really concentrating on this right now.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't. I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: it's just like, I'm really concentrating on my work right now.
Speaker 1: And also it's like, what what angel of a girlfriend
Speaker 1: has ever said let me concentrate on this blow job.
Speaker 1: I deserve a fucking purple heart for saying that. I mean,
Speaker 1: I say that too, but it's because I don't want
Speaker 1: to to sixty nine. Yeah, and then he and then
Speaker 1: and then so I'm already like, please stop asking about
Speaker 1: sty nine, and then he goes, well, I just don't
Speaker 1: want to go without sixty nine for the duration of
Speaker 1: this relationship. Well that one from then I dropped the
Speaker 1: mic and took a lap around the room, and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, okay, and uh yeah, I was like
Speaker 1: I don't even know where there were so many things
Speaker 1: wrong with what you just said. Oh porn, Jameel, don't
Speaker 1: want to go out with nine, you're gonna wait for
Speaker 1: Oh no, or maybe I mean all, I mean everything
Speaker 1: he texts me this week, I just go, I don't know,
Speaker 1: why don't you go find someone's the sixty nine with
Speaker 1: I mean just everything gets that reply. I can't not
Speaker 1: reply with that. One of the things that I don't
Speaker 1: like about sixty nine. One of the many things one
Speaker 1: is I can't fucking concentrate. If I'm stucking your dick
Speaker 1: and you're eating me out, I'm gonna bite your dick off,
Speaker 1: not on purpose, and I need that dick, So I'm
Speaker 1: just trying to preserve for you and me. Sometimes during
Speaker 1: sixty nine, honestly, I'll like, I'll get so into my
Speaker 1: pussy bed eat and then I'll just lately lay my
Speaker 1: head on his pelvet. That's time. No, a lot of
Speaker 1: times they just end up my The dick is like
Speaker 1: either next to my mouth or in it, but nothing's happening.
Speaker 1: I'm just drooling. Yeah, You're like, this is good, and
Speaker 1: then I'm almost so scary I'm gonna fart because man,
Speaker 1: that butt hole is close it is because I'm not parting. Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: I don't mind about that because well because the position
Speaker 1: you're in, it's like a like a tabletop yoga position, right, people,
Speaker 1: my ad is ready because will always want to be
Speaker 1: in my butt, So I get it. But then tough life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean you know, there's you know, I'm sure you're
Speaker 1: busy getting motor boat at all the time. Um, it's true.
Speaker 1: And the yeah, and I don't know, but I feel
Speaker 1: like the sixty nine is more enjoyable for a man
Speaker 1: because you're laying he's laying gets the laying down position
Speaker 1: and it just has to occasionally like go like like
Speaker 1: lick a little. Oh yeah, I just lay here in
Speaker 1: a little Yeah. It's just it's less work. And isn't it.
Speaker 1: The butt hole really is like right at your eye level.
Speaker 1: You're it is, but I mean it's not the whole
Speaker 1: because the cheeks are still on top of it unless
Speaker 1: you're spreading the cheeks in the butt hole because you've
Speaker 1: got to spread the legs to get on either side
Speaker 1: of his head. So yeah, that's a pretty spread out. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I've never seen myself from that view. Yeah, I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like interested in it. Yeah. I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like my cheeks so enough fat on them
Speaker 1: that they're still hiding the actual hole. Actually, Stephen told
Speaker 1: me recently that he rarely sees my butt hole because
Speaker 1: my butt cheeks are so big, and I was like,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. I was like, I think it
Speaker 1: would cover it. Yeah, I guess so yeah sixty nine,
Speaker 1: you guys, I don't get it. I don't get it either.
Speaker 1: I don't like it's it's like it never got it.
Speaker 1: But I was like, this is a acrobatic trick I
Speaker 1: should do. No. Sixty nine is like a combination shampoo conditioner.
Speaker 1: It's like it's just never working as good convenience is
Speaker 1: not worth are two separate things for a reason? Yep,
Speaker 1: you gotta lather and then you gotta loather with the conditioner.
Speaker 1: That is a great metaphor just shampoo condition never worked
Speaker 1: for me. Never worked you guys. If you want more
Speaker 1: episodes of guys who sucked in your life, if you've
Speaker 1: binged all of them and you're like, we um like
Speaker 1: James about sixty nine, well you're in luck now, it's
Speaker 1: all right? Uh seven The same thing you can get
Speaker 1: them at Howell dot FM, slash GWF. That is the
Speaker 1: exact u r L that you have to type in
Speaker 1: for us to like get credit for that. So, if
Speaker 1: you want to help out the podcast and you want
Speaker 1: more episodes, they're really fun. Cranda and I read emails
Speaker 1: and interview guests and uh get to have a one
Speaker 1: in depth conversation about therapy. It's really fun. Also, if
Speaker 1: you want to support the podcast in another way, you
Speaker 1: can buy our merchandise. It's all available now. It's sorry
Speaker 1: about last Night Comedy dot com. This supports the show.
Speaker 1: We got tank tops, we got hoodies, we got toepags.
Speaker 1: It's really cool. We have some listener design stuff by
Speaker 1: the wonderful lease Perry Um. Check it out. We love
Speaker 1: wearing it. It's so fun. Honestly, those shirts are like
Speaker 1: mad comfy. Oh yeah, they're really nice. I was kind
Speaker 1: of shocked. I was like, I put it on last night.
Speaker 1: I was like, Stephen, this is like the softest shirt
Speaker 1: I've ever owned. Well, that's good. Yeah, it's very nice. Uh,
Speaker 1: come see us live and wear those shirts. On Friday,
Speaker 1: October twenty eight at eleven fift pm, I'll be doing
Speaker 1: the Halloween edition of Nacho Bitches at New York comedy
Speaker 1: Club That's ten dollars with Code Nacho. I co host
Speaker 1: that with Blair Saki. Saturday, October, Wendy Starling and I
Speaker 1: are co hosting the Halloween edition of Glama Pus at
Speaker 1: Zinc Bar eighty two West third Street in the West Village.
Speaker 1: We are going to be wearing Halloween costumes throughout the
Speaker 1: entire show, and my Halloween costume this year is probably
Speaker 1: my best one yet, so and I don't really do
Speaker 1: Halloween that well, So this is gonna be good. So
Speaker 1: you can come in your Halloween costume if you want
Speaker 1: tickets or fifteen bucks. Link for tickets is in the
Speaker 1: description of this podcast. And then we're hit in the
Speaker 1: Road this November. On November two, Syracuse, New York, will
Speaker 1: be at The Funny Bone, Albany, New York. November three
Speaker 1: the Funny Bone, Uh. November five, we're back in New
Speaker 1: York City to do a live recording of Guys We
Speaker 1: Fucked at Carolines on Broadway as part of the New
Speaker 1: York Comedy Festival. November six will be in Hartford, Connecticut
Speaker 1: at the Funny Moon. November nine will be in Irvine,
Speaker 1: California at the Improv That one's almost sold out, so
Speaker 1: definitely get our tickets for that. Eleven eleven pick wish.
Speaker 1: We're gonna be in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live
Speaker 1: November in Ontario, California at the improv of no Vember sixteenth, Indianapolis,
Speaker 1: Indiana Crackers Uh November seventeen, Columbus, Ohio at the Original
Speaker 1: Funny Bone Shout. I got the Chicago date. I gotta
Speaker 1: say it. Um. Oh my mom's sent so many people
Speaker 1: tweeted at Okay, I'm gonna try. Don't get mad at me, guys.
Speaker 1: November eighteen, we're gonna be in Chicago, Illinois at the
Speaker 1: Anatheum Theater and fucking god Christ, I think it's Anthon
Speaker 1: ELM Anthony if you just say it the way it
Speaker 1: was spelled, so it's Anthony. Um. I think someone sent
Speaker 1: me a you am specifically that sounds the Anthon Am Theater.
Speaker 1: It's like that was really helpful and also I've been
Speaker 1: sucking it up. Yeah, Anthon al would be if it
Speaker 1: was a Jewish theater at the ANTHONYL Theater. Get you
Speaker 1: because it comes down that one's almost sold out as well,
Speaker 1: so get your tickets. And then on November we're closing
Speaker 1: out this leg of the tour in Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities.
Speaker 1: We also have Facebook invites for all of those shows
Speaker 1: on our Facebook page so you can invite your friends.
Speaker 1: It's always great. So many times people invite one person
Speaker 1: that doesn't know what the hell guys we fund and
Speaker 1: they have the best time in their have the best time.
Speaker 1: It's a super nice surprise and we really appreciated because
Speaker 1: then someone else listens to the podcast. It's like, I
Speaker 1: know you want to keep it as a secret to yourself,
Speaker 1: but just tell one person you're really like just impressing
Speaker 1: you like a lot with this podcast, a friend. Oh,
Speaker 1: we're about to read ads and if that pisces you off,
Speaker 1: you can fast forward. Thank you everybody. We have a
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Speaker 1: is dope. We got suitcases in the mail and we're like, what,
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Speaker 1: obsessed with Blue Apron and it saved their marriage and
Speaker 1: it bonds them together. And it's the cutest thing because
Speaker 1: I still get picture every time they cook a meal.
Speaker 1: They get the plan that it's three meals a week
Speaker 1: for two people each. That's one of your options. And
Speaker 1: then there's goes Dad sending me text of his food. Uh.
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Speaker 1: blue Apron, get your book bun out of my ass. Alright, guys,
Speaker 1: we're done with emails. Now you can come out. We're
Speaker 1: done with ads everyone. I'm sorry, Well I meant that's
Speaker 1: still fun. I was like, mmmmm, no, we're going on out,
Speaker 1: come out. What isn't that like Dorothy Glinda sings that
Speaker 1: and Wizard of oz Oh the Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Speaker 1: Glinda Linda. She sings, come out, come out wherever you
Speaker 1: are to meet the young lady who fell from a star.
Speaker 1: From the star, she felt very Okaya, I am very impressed. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean that, like, my brother and I both had
Speaker 1: an obsession with movies, and that was his. So I've
Speaker 1: seen that movie like actually probably a hundred times at least.
Speaker 1: That's me with Matilda. Yeah, alright. So the first email
Speaker 1: is from a woman who wrote us named shonon U
Speaker 1: and shown up needs all the people in the Philadelphia area.
Speaker 1: If you're interested basically in going out and helping Hillary
Speaker 1: Clinton in her what I don't know what the word
Speaker 1: is that I'm gonna say, Well, Pennsylvania is a very
Speaker 1: important state in this election. I was gonna make like
Speaker 1: a win fight in her fight. I was like in
Speaker 1: her float to presidency. I don't know what. But anyway,
Speaker 1: if you're interested in helping, go talk to Shona. We're
Speaker 1: gonna buy by that's it. Just you know her. Tell Shona.
Speaker 1: If you're in the Philly area and you know Shona,
Speaker 1: that's it. Okay, Tee, you want to help hill A out, yeah,
Speaker 1: by no. She has a link. It's a volunteer registration
Speaker 1: like we're gonna put it in the description of this podcast,
Speaker 1: and she needs help specifically in the suburbs of Philadelphia
Speaker 1: because Pennsylvania is a super important UM state in this election.
Speaker 1: This is only if you're pro Hillary. If you don't
Speaker 1: like Hilary, don't volunteer, and don't complain about it. Thanks by,
Speaker 1: I took time out of my day to tell you
Speaker 1: how much I hate. Oh my god, that's the one
Speaker 1: email I wanted to read. But it's fine. It's not
Speaker 1: where the the guy who emailed me saying he numbered
Speaker 1: He's like Christina enough already, we get it. Corin Keith
Speaker 1: doing you was a subject line and it was just
Speaker 1: numbered things that he wanted me to change, including the
Speaker 1: way I do accents and how I just sing all
Speaker 1: the time and it really annoys him. Fuck you stop listening.
Speaker 1: I am not forcing you. And I was just like,
Speaker 1: thank God, because I get those emails seventy five times
Speaker 1: a day, I know, well, well criticism for Christina. Uh
Speaker 1: so I'm going to read this next email. Why am
Speaker 1: I being put on a pedestal for forgiving my boyfriend
Speaker 1: who cheated on me? Hello, ladies, the compliments, compliments, compliments? Anyway,
Speaker 1: I hope my subject line caught your attention, as I
Speaker 1: don't believe you guys have dipped your toes into this
Speaker 1: complicated subject. I've been binging on your podcast for a
Speaker 1: little over a month, and I know you gals will
Speaker 1: bring great honesty and critical thinking to my question. Before
Speaker 1: we begin to answer my question, I'd like to give
Speaker 1: you some history. I'm assumed to be three year old
Speaker 1: gay man and my boyfriend is twenty four. I met
Speaker 1: my boyfriend almost three years ago. I couldn't remember the
Speaker 1: first time I met him. In our first date, we
Speaker 1: had traded numbers through an app and did the usual
Speaker 1: texting back and forth. Well, picture me twenty years old,
Speaker 1: super drunk at a pizza join at two am with friends.
Speaker 1: I got it my head. Well, guess who I texted.
Speaker 1: I asked him when we were going to meet, and
Speaker 1: his response was I thought you weren't interested anymore. Fast
Speaker 1: forward a week later, in our first date is me
Speaker 1: getting my hips pierced as he watches. It's kind of cool.
Speaker 1: The making out as I dropped him off was just
Speaker 1: so electric. I haven't had that feeling with anyone else. Seriously,
Speaker 1: thinking back to it gives me chills. We made a
Speaker 1: relationship official two weeks later. The first six months were amazing,
Speaker 1: but we broke up because he graduated and other justifiable
Speaker 1: reasons concerning his family and moved back to l A.
Speaker 1: It broke my heart. We found it hard to talk
Speaker 1: to one another because it was a quote good breakup.
Speaker 1: Three months later, I wake up on my twenty one
Speaker 1: birthday to a lengthy text of how much he wishes
Speaker 1: he could celebrate it with me, with a cropped photo
Speaker 1: of Nicki Minaj kissing me. Ps I love Nicki minajh
Speaker 1: to who doesn't She's great? Need let's just say I
Speaker 1: cried on my birthday. I called him and we told
Speaker 1: each other how much we missed each other. Long story short,
Speaker 1: I dropped my life and moved to l A to
Speaker 1: be with him. Six months later, I find out he
Speaker 1: cheated on me. I can't describe the feelings I had.
Speaker 1: I guess a panic attack. I ended up quitting my job,
Speaker 1: giving a two day notice, and was gone before he
Speaker 1: got back from camping with his family. He called me crying,
Speaker 1: asking me to come back and saying how sorry he was.
Speaker 1: We went six months without speaking and slowly started talking
Speaker 1: to now being back together we've been doing long distance
Speaker 1: for now nine months, and we both agreed I should
Speaker 1: move back down and try again. My question comes into
Speaker 1: play because a lot of close friends, family, and co
Speaker 1: workers always giving me these lines, how do you do it?
Speaker 1: That's so much sure of you. I could never forgive
Speaker 1: someone for cheating on me. How are you able to
Speaker 1: even have sex with him? It doesn't keep popping up.
Speaker 1: Why are people treating me as if I'm Gondhi or
Speaker 1: Mother Teresa. My answer to them is always the same thing.
Speaker 1: I just don't think about it. That's the honest truth.
Speaker 1: When he apologized the first time, I interrupted him when
Speaker 1: he started to go into the details on why he
Speaker 1: did it, I told him I don't want the details.
Speaker 1: As long as you're sorry and you promise you won't
Speaker 1: do it again, that's what matters. I've never held it
Speaker 1: against him, as I feel if I am accepting his apology,
Speaker 1: I can't throw it back in his face. I don't
Speaker 1: understand why others can't grasp that I love my boyfriend
Speaker 1: very much. He's been my only relationship and the only
Speaker 1: person I've told that I love. All my peers tell
Speaker 1: me I can do better, that I'm a nine and
Speaker 1: he's a six and it's really starting to fucking irritate me.
Speaker 1: I want my choices to be respected without the condescending undertone.
Speaker 1: I'd really love to hear your gal's opinion on this,
Speaker 1: because I don't think it's fair to say once a cheater,
Speaker 1: always a cheater, and that more people go through this
Speaker 1: than we know. Sorry for the long email. Stop apologize,
Speaker 1: I just keep doing what you do, Okay, cool. I
Speaker 1: I love this email because I think, what a logical person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you super logical. We don't we don't talk about cheating
Speaker 1: a ton on this podcast, and we certainly will in
Speaker 1: the future. But I wanted to read this because I
Speaker 1: think I think it's really great and yeah, there are
Speaker 1: so many people treat cheating like it is murder. It's not.
Speaker 1: It's not murder. I've been cheated on twice in the
Speaker 1: relationship and because it ended because of that, but that's
Speaker 1: also the circumstances specific to our relationship. It didn't work out.
Speaker 1: Like cheating never has to be the end of a relationship, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, I think it really depends, and you really
Speaker 1: have to look at the situation. It's it should be
Speaker 1: treated like, you know, like any crime, Like, look at
Speaker 1: look at what happened, look at the circumstances. Was it malicious?
Speaker 1: Was it because things weren't going well? Did someone just
Speaker 1: get drunk and make a mistake? Like, there's a million
Speaker 1: reasons why you can cheat. And I mean, I think
Speaker 1: something like a serial cheating where you're going out and
Speaker 1: fucking the same person every you know, week for blunts.
Speaker 1: If you're just cheating, yeah, absolutely, But but I think
Speaker 1: that when your friends and family talk to you, it's
Speaker 1: almost it almost seems like they're projecting their insecurities, not
Speaker 1: insecure earties, but their doubts that they would have onto you.
Speaker 1: But they're not in that relationship. You are. And you
Speaker 1: did the absolute logical right thing to do, which is
Speaker 1: put it behind you, not think about it, and live
Speaker 1: your life with your boyfriend. Yeah, and it's not like
Speaker 1: when he said that he cheated on you, you you just
Speaker 1: shrugged your shoulders, like you didn't talk for six months.
Speaker 1: I think you like I think he got the picture. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like he he was punished the appropriate amount for the
Speaker 1: crime that he committed. And now and if and it's
Speaker 1: so great to hear that you are not thinking about it,
Speaker 1: because if you're not thinking about it, then you're truly
Speaker 1: not bothered by yet it's not like you're convincing yourself.
Speaker 1: And I mean, I don't know. There are some instances
Speaker 1: where I think people like love someone so much that
Speaker 1: they'll just make excuses for them. Um, so that could
Speaker 1: be maybe what your friends and family are concerned about.
Speaker 1: Like you're just making excuses, but it doesn't seem like
Speaker 1: you are. You're happy, You're fine as far as like
Speaker 1: getting your friends and family on your side, just be like, hey,
Speaker 1: like this is like I totally get where you're coming from,
Speaker 1: but like, this is my boyfriend. I would appreciate like
Speaker 1: if you didn't disrespect him by talking about him in
Speaker 1: a negative way like that, I love this person in
Speaker 1: and i've we've we've handled this on our own. Also,
Speaker 1: I would kind of be insulted by somebody else who's
Speaker 1: not in my relationship telling me how I should feel
Speaker 1: about something like I'm you're emotionally mature, and you moved
Speaker 1: on because that's the decision that seemed right to you.
Speaker 1: Who gives a fuck? Get out of my content business? Mo? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, cheating isn't always not a big deal, but
Speaker 1: in this instance, you're fine with it. It was okay,
Speaker 1: so good for you. You moved on and you're a
Speaker 1: bigger person. The subject line of this email is sex
Speaker 1: life over. Seriously contemplating suicide and this is written by
Speaker 1: a guy after our second baby. We have not had
Speaker 1: sex for three months and it's looking like our sex
Speaker 1: life is over until after menopause. Can't afford a vasectomy.
Speaker 1: She's terrified of paraguard and the hormone birth control. Birth
Speaker 1: control kills her sex drive and even makes sex for
Speaker 1: her painful when she would throw me a bone quote.
Speaker 1: We can't afford to have another child. Every type of
Speaker 1: condom causes her pain at least of the time. Try
Speaker 1: every type of louve and condom. Sex without birth control
Speaker 1: is always great, though it's not uh though, so it's
Speaker 1: not a lack of attraction or intimacy. I can't get
Speaker 1: off by any means other than insertion. I really enjoy oral,
Speaker 1: but it just gets me frustrated and wanting more. If
Speaker 1: she she hates if I watch porn, to the point
Speaker 1: she has almost left me when she found out I
Speaker 1: was looking at it. She checks my phone regularly to
Speaker 1: see if I have been looking at it. I don't
Speaker 1: want to ask her to do anything that scares her
Speaker 1: or causes her pain, etcetera. Yet just the past three months,
Speaker 1: I have been very frustrated, irritable, and started to feel depressed.
Speaker 1: The more time passes, the more I think about the
Speaker 1: fact that this is probably going to be how the
Speaker 1: rest of my life is, and I dread it. And
Speaker 1: I don't want to spend the rest uh spend a
Speaker 1: lifetime like this but killing myself or hurt her and
Speaker 1: my kids and my parents. So we are back to
Speaker 1: me not wanting I feel trapped. I love her, but
Speaker 1: I don't know what I will that I will ever
Speaker 1: be happy again. Deep down, I know I will have
Speaker 1: moments of happiness, but will likely be muted by the
Speaker 1: underlying depression. I don't know how to handle something like this.
Speaker 1: I can't talk to her about it and how seriously
Speaker 1: the issue is to me, because then she feels like
Speaker 1: I'm pressuring her into paraguard, which is really the only
Speaker 1: option besides vasectomy she which she hates the idea of
Speaker 1: because she still wants another kid, even though we compromise
Speaker 1: at two. I wanted one, she wanted three. I have
Speaker 1: tried tried to word it in a way that isn't
Speaker 1: pressuring her into the paraguard. But no matter how I
Speaker 1: word it, in the end, I sort of really am
Speaker 1: hoping she will go on the paraguard, So I uh
Speaker 1: so I am pressuring her into getting it, as much
Speaker 1: as I hate that, but we have no other options.
Speaker 1: It's either of a sectomy or paraguard, and we can't
Speaker 1: afford the vasectomy, and she doesn't like the idea. But
Speaker 1: if we can't enjoy sex, it's a waste of time
Speaker 1: and energy. We have been We have been doing other things,
Speaker 1: but at some point you need to climax or everything
Speaker 1: else starts to be frustrating. And I think part of
Speaker 1: it is that she gets off just fine by other means.
Speaker 1: I never have of the masturbation with porn, which is
Speaker 1: definitely out of the question because I don't want to
Speaker 1: lose her either. Also, I forgot to mention that contracept
Speaker 1: that conscious except conceptual wait went. I also forgot to
Speaker 1: mention that conceptual kind of works. Maybe that's a form
Speaker 1: of birth control, but it's but it's effectiveness is questionable
Speaker 1: to use, and the goop makes her feel disgusting, which
Speaker 1: does not make for a sexually compatible move for her.
Speaker 1: I'm lost. I don't know what to do, and I'm
Speaker 1: not sure if I'm strong enough to suffer this for
Speaker 1: a lifetime. Is there some way to come to terms
Speaker 1: with my situation and just move on and be happy
Speaker 1: despite knowing I will never enjoy sex again, or more
Speaker 1: likely will we both at some point give in and
Speaker 1: have unprotected sex and we'll have another kid. She got
Speaker 1: pregnant with both kids after we quote stopped trying not
Speaker 1: to have kids. We weren't actually trying to have uh
Speaker 1: to have either one after just one time, making the
Speaker 1: stress over money and paying bills unbearable. Thank you man. Well,
Speaker 1: this is interesting because I I understand and the the
Speaker 1: effects of birth control and not wanting to go on
Speaker 1: it because Steven and I had an argument about that
Speaker 1: and he was so paranoid about not getting pregnant that
Speaker 1: he insisted on it, and that pissed me off a
Speaker 1: little bit. But then I found a birth control that
Speaker 1: worked for me. So I don't know, it's odd that
Speaker 1: your wife condoms hurt her. I'm wondering if she has
Speaker 1: a latex allergy. Yeah, I was like, I mean, because
Speaker 1: no one like loves condoms, right, and I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't love condoms, but they're necessary for me and my
Speaker 1: partner to have sex without that worry in the back
Speaker 1: of our heads. This is not a plug, but skin
Speaker 1: condoms are late tex free, and there's all other kinds
Speaker 1: of options I would have. I'm sure she's went to
Speaker 1: a guy in collogist for all of this, because clearly
Speaker 1: there's been some trial and error here. I really have
Speaker 1: a problem with her getting upset and threatening to leave
Speaker 1: you because you jerk off to porn. Yeah, that's that
Speaker 1: is such bullshit. Well, and also, any anytime someone says
Speaker 1: this person checks my phone, attention is ball should everybody
Speaker 1: listening to the podcast. If you have a significant other,
Speaker 1: I don't care. If it's your boyfriend, I don't care.
Speaker 1: If it's your husband, I don't care if it's your wife.
Speaker 1: If there is anyone who checks your phone like you
Speaker 1: are a goddamn fucking child, that is not okay and
Speaker 1: that needs to stop immediately. I would never ever, ever
Speaker 1: ask anyone to see their phone. And if you can't,
Speaker 1: meaning if you can't live without seeing someone else's phone,
Speaker 1: there was no trust in your relationship. In your relationship
Speaker 1: is broken. You need to fix that checking the fucking
Speaker 1: phone isn't gonna help anything. It's so it's that drives
Speaker 1: me crazy, yes, crazy, Yes, Oh absolutely, It's completely unnecessary,
Speaker 1: and it's it's a it's disrespectful to the trust that
Speaker 1: you thought you had in the relationship. You clearly don't
Speaker 1: with checking the phone. I think that's such a bullshit.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. And I have a lot of other
Speaker 1: things to say. First of all, you writer, I need
Speaker 1: to put your happiness. Your happiness is a priority. And
Speaker 1: I think it's really interesting because based off of a
Speaker 1: lot of emails that we've received from guys where their
Speaker 1: female specifically their female partner is no longer interested in
Speaker 1: having sex with them at the moment, or the going
Speaker 1: through a slump, or they're they're they're pregnant and they're
Speaker 1: not horny, or they just had a baby and they
Speaker 1: can't have sex and they're not horny, or whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. Men get depressed, I've noticed, and I did
Speaker 1: not realize that that was a thing, um, because they
Speaker 1: seems pretty common. They feel unattractive to like. I think
Speaker 1: it's so we're so obsessed with like women feeling unattractive,
Speaker 1: but men feel equally unattractive. And I think might feel
Speaker 1: more unattractive than women. They need to feel sexually wanted.
Speaker 1: Like that's very important, I think to both men and women.
Speaker 1: But I think a lot of times we forget that
Speaker 1: men need to feel like sexual creatures. Um. I have
Speaker 1: so many thoughts that I want to tell you. Number one,
Speaker 1: you you should establish with your with your I think
Speaker 1: you said wife right, your wife, Um, she should never
Speaker 1: be looking through your phone, that is today, if she
Speaker 1: trusted you, she wouldn't look through your ship. And also,
Speaker 1: you looking at porn is not cheating. I thought that
Speaker 1: when I was sixteen and almost dump my boyfriend Darren
Speaker 1: because he's looking at porn. Um. And then I realized
Speaker 1: that that was completely ridiculous. You have every right to
Speaker 1: watch pornography, um, obviously like the wee kids of the rule.
Speaker 1: But when it's you know, you're not dumb, you know,
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom and looking at your phone, or
Speaker 1: if it's affecting, like if if she thinks like when
Speaker 1: you watch porn you act in a different way or something,
Speaker 1: that's a larger discussion to have because I have heard that.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, I mean men have been pretty open
Speaker 1: with me that they they sexualized women, they treat them,
Speaker 1: they objectify them more when they've been watching a ton
Speaker 1: of horn, a certain type of porn. So I mean,
Speaker 1: if there is an actual reason, and maybe there's something
Speaker 1: that you're not telling us, and there that a reason
Speaker 1: why your wife doesn't like you watching porn, but if
Speaker 1: it's just because she doesn't like porn, that's But also
Speaker 1: you need to have a conversation with with her about it,
Speaker 1: because what if she has a reason in her head
Speaker 1: that she's not told you that you can offer some
Speaker 1: explanation to um. You Yeah, you should have a serious
Speaker 1: conversation with her because that is ridiculous. And if I
Speaker 1: were you, I would feel so frustrated and heartbroken and
Speaker 1: of course depressed. That's completely understandable. Another thing, flashlights are
Speaker 1: a great sex toy for men, which basically it's the
Speaker 1: it's a it's a vagina, buttole or mouth the giant
Speaker 1: plastic flashlight, you gon screw it and then you it's
Speaker 1: a sex toys. You put your dick in it. They
Speaker 1: make throwaway once too if you need, if you need
Speaker 1: to hide it from your wife. But you shouldn't have
Speaker 1: to hide it from your wife. But it seems like
Speaker 1: you might have, I know, but for your sanity, because
Speaker 1: I know that men like Steven says this all the time,
Speaker 1: like if I don't come for a certain amount of time,
Speaker 1: I go crazy. Okay, that's that's totally legitimate. Get a
Speaker 1: flashlight if insertion is the only thing that does it
Speaker 1: for you, because I feel like that will feel as
Speaker 1: close to insertion other than insertion. Yeah, I mean, or
Speaker 1: you can do prison style and like get a put
Speaker 1: your cock in a toilet paper roll. That's a that's
Speaker 1: also an option that you could do for a much
Speaker 1: less a budget. If you're on a budget, Boo, I
Speaker 1: will buy you a flashlight. Boo boo. Email me. I'm serious.
Speaker 1: And the other thing is, if you you're this conversation
Speaker 1: I really think that you should have with her with
Speaker 1: your partner about snooping about pornography, and I'm curious as
Speaker 1: to what she's so afraid of about you watching porn
Speaker 1: And also, uh, if you guys are truly unhappy, like
Speaker 1: she needs to know how unhappy this makes you and
Speaker 1: how it's kind of now starting to be this undertone
Speaker 1: throughout your entire life, your day to day living. Um,
Speaker 1: that's a really big deal. And your happiness is very important,
Speaker 1: and you need to have that open conversation because for
Speaker 1: some reason she after talking and talking and trying to
Speaker 1: figure it out and trying to come to conclusion. Uh,
Speaker 1: you you feel in your heart of hearts that you
Speaker 1: two do not make sense together and they're not compatible.
Speaker 1: It's better. I've had this conversation a lot lately, and
Speaker 1: I just want to put it out there as a
Speaker 1: p s A. Staying together for kids is not I
Speaker 1: have never heard of that being a successful idea. You're
Speaker 1: making your kids lives miserable. Well, especially when one of
Speaker 1: the options that you have presented to us is killing yourself.
Speaker 1: Like what, like, what are you talking about before you
Speaker 1: do that? Christ? Yeah, if you think a divorce is
Speaker 1: gonna hurt your kids, guess what's gonna hit hurt your
Speaker 1: kids a lot more? You killing your side? Like, give
Speaker 1: you and your dick a chance. That is way too
Speaker 1: dramatic of an option. I understand a lot of times
Speaker 1: in these situations, it's so hard to take a step
Speaker 1: back and and see the picture from a distance, so
Speaker 1: you feel trapped. But she needs to know how unhappy
Speaker 1: this is making you, and it's and all the things
Speaker 1: that she's doing that, I really truly feel are ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Maybe she has reasons, she should tell you them, and
Speaker 1: you should talk it out. But if, for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: you feel in your gut that you do not deserve
Speaker 1: a sexless uh no sex for the rest of your life,
Speaker 1: that is ridiculous. And sex is very important, and sexual
Speaker 1: compatibility is so important that if your partner is like, nope, nope,
Speaker 1: not budget, not budget, she's not a good partner. You
Speaker 1: can't communicate and come to agreements and decisions and compromises.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's not the best person for you long term.
Speaker 1: Rhen your kids will be happier. If you're happier, your
Speaker 1: children will be happier. Yeah, you need I mean, like,
Speaker 1: you're in a roman's relationship with this person. They're not.
Speaker 1: This is not a friend. Like sex is part of
Speaker 1: the deal. I'm not like, you can never force your
Speaker 1: partner to have sex, but like, if they stop start
Speaker 1: refusing to have sex with you, that is grounds for separation.
Speaker 1: And I think people are scared to like say that
Speaker 1: or admit that, but like, no, that's part of the deal.
Speaker 1: It's part of what you signed up for, especially when
Speaker 1: it's a mononymous relationship. What so if so, if you're
Speaker 1: an anonymous partner just decided that they don't have sex anymore,
Speaker 1: that you're you're in prison not having sex, Like absolutely,
Speaker 1: that's ridiculous. You shouldn't be in pussy lest prisons, not
Speaker 1: in then an option and you know, and maybe I'm
Speaker 1: sure there's you know, she has a side to the
Speaker 1: story that we're not hearing obviously because this is your email.
Speaker 1: But you guys need to talk about there's a lot
Speaker 1: of things that are very peculiar going on here that
Speaker 1: needs to be discussed. And if it's these things aren't budging,
Speaker 1: then you need to break up. And you know, your kids, Yeah,
Speaker 1: your kids will be fine. That they're not going to
Speaker 1: be the only divorced kid with divorce parents in their class.
Speaker 1: I don't want to encourage a divorce when it doesn't
Speaker 1: need to be. But it's the world's parents living in
Speaker 1: separate household and they make it work because they actually
Speaker 1: get along so much better now and they're happy and
Speaker 1: they're smiling, and they're they're better to their son probably
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like just that that that
Speaker 1: leaks into other areas of your life, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean having having uh parents is just a night because
Speaker 1: it's human beings with a bunch of flaws that you
Speaker 1: didn't choose, raising other human beings who have then pick
Speaker 1: up those floor flaws plus more flaws. Like you know,
Speaker 1: it's the whole thing is a mess. So it's a miracle.
Speaker 1: We're all alive, you guys, for real. We made it
Speaker 1: so far overalld. You are listening to this, Pat yourself
Speaker 1: on the back. Yeah, you did it. You lived another day, bravo. Uh.
Speaker 1: And on that note, we are going to introduce today's
Speaker 1: yes Yes we recorded this uh, this week's episode of
Speaker 1: Guys We fund at Hell Yes Best in New Orleans
Speaker 1: at the Joy Theater Um. At the beginning, we bring
Speaker 1: some suckers up on stage and talk to them, and
Speaker 1: then we bring up a very funny guest. Ladies and gentlemen,
Speaker 1: please welcome to the show, Carly Aqualine. Oh, he's fucked
Speaker 1: you as a jowl. He fund you as a show.
Speaker 1: I'm not why, kid, I don't want to be your girlfriends.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be your friend. We fuck you
Speaker 1: as a jowl? You know that? Cool? And he looks
Speaker 1: like true what's uppen? He was like a bar with
Speaker 1: you it's right. Never run the alrightn 's talk about it.
Speaker 1: It's us. It's god, we're so immersed in the culture.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we did a plan on that. It's like
Speaker 1: a second to them time. Um we uh and we
Speaker 1: really had appreciate this is our first time in New
Speaker 1: Orleans and fucking awesome city. And we got beads and
Speaker 1: mine says, you make me horny, baby, but they're catcher is.
Speaker 1: There's two child frogs with giant dicks sticking out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and mine has police hat and police flashlight, which I
Speaker 1: don't I guess is just different from a rather flashlight
Speaker 1: and that's sometimes you hit people with it. Um, that's
Speaker 1: not nice, and says, lay flat on your back and
Speaker 1: spread them. So we're doing what we can to get,
Speaker 1: you know, the rape culture items off the streets by
Speaker 1: buying them one by one. It's ours now, so it's
Speaker 1: in the right hands. And later after like after the show,
Speaker 1: after the show is done, we're gonna be handing out
Speaker 1: skin condoms to everybody, because skin condoms are great and
Speaker 1: you should always wrap it up, and especially if you
Speaker 1: have a latex allergy. They're latex free by condoms on online.
Speaker 1: It would be weird to do it like an and read. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they definitely weren't paid to say that. We just love
Speaker 1: skin condoms. I just love them. I do use them though,
Speaker 1: I use them. Last night, dude six, Um, how are you?
Speaker 1: I'm great? Yeah, yeah, you look great. Thank you look great?
Speaker 1: You got ready in the rooms next to one another.
Speaker 1: But we haven't seen each other since. It's like a wedding.
Speaker 1: It was great. So at the top of every podcast
Speaker 1: we usually read emails, but when you do it live,
Speaker 1: we bring people up on stage. Is there anybody in
Speaker 1: here that has a problem and they want to just
Speaker 1: come and talk about it in front of a bunch
Speaker 1: of strangers. You don't have to say your real name.
Speaker 1: Everyone's laughing, like, what a good joke, Christina. No, we're serious,
Speaker 1: you guys. Everything's just figured out. You got everything figured out.
Speaker 1: You're in the front row on a Wednesday at Guys,
Speaker 1: we fun the live podcast. Everything is not going right.
Speaker 1: You want to do it? Come about and everything is
Speaker 1: going very wrong. Well, luckily we have a brave young
Speaker 1: woman to have to take a seat. Hi, it's a
Speaker 1: little bit of a give a round of a plan. Hi,
Speaker 1: Hey girl, what's your name? I'm Courtney. Hi, Courtney, thanks
Speaker 1: for coming to the show. Thanks, thank you so much,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you so much. So what's
Speaker 1: going on in your life? So? I got this ex
Speaker 1: boyfriend and he won't go away. So here's the thing about,
Speaker 1: like let us know, Yeah, what's up? What's up with?
Speaker 1: You might not know this, but like social media is
Speaker 1: great but also terrible because people can find you everywhere.
Speaker 1: So like we broke up forever ago over a year?
Speaker 1: How long did you date? Like two and a half years? Okay,
Speaker 1: I thought you were in training? Order done? Next? We
Speaker 1: like out there. It was pretty serious, but like he
Speaker 1: won't say away. What's that? Like? How won't he go away?
Speaker 1: Like Mike Myers, Like you murdered him eight times and
Speaker 1: he's still living or he shows up at your house
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. It was just like that. Nobody keeps
Speaker 1: trying to contact me and I just keep blocking him
Speaker 1: and ignoring it. But he just keeps like finding other
Speaker 1: ways to contact me. Like he's I've blocked him on email,
Speaker 1: on text, on Facebook, He's deemed me on Twitter, on Instagram,
Speaker 1: Like what is he saying that? Contact me via Venmo?
Speaker 1: Like it's really use the second contacts you on LinkedIn.
Speaker 1: That's when you got to get a restraining room because
Speaker 1: that's fucked up. He's like, he actually sade you. He
Speaker 1: sent me a message that said, did you on connect
Speaker 1: with me on LinkedIn? I was like, dude, get the
Speaker 1: funk away. Oh my god, he did the LinkedIn route.
Speaker 1: He did like everywhere, And they're all these channels to
Speaker 1: get in touch with people. But that also means when
Speaker 1: you break up with someone, there's all these channels that like,
Speaker 1: you can't get away from them, right, And when you're
Speaker 1: a regular adult person with like a logical brain, you
Speaker 1: do not you take advantage of all the twelve thirteen channels.
Speaker 1: But he's doing it. What is he trying to say
Speaker 1: to you when he's contacting you? So? Um, it was
Speaker 1: a pretty messy breakup and how so details, well what happened?
Speaker 1: So wow, this is this is what you all do
Speaker 1: all the time, just right. Isn't it terrible? The worst
Speaker 1: idea that anyone's ever had? Oh my god, why do
Speaker 1: you think that was a good idea? Um? Well, it's
Speaker 1: mostly strangers stuff for one girl I know here two
Speaker 1: girls and girls, but basically, uh, we were long distance
Speaker 1: for a while and he moved from Denver to live
Speaker 1: with me, um, and then I found out that he
Speaker 1: had been cheating on me like the whole time, like
Speaker 1: before he even moved. And I was like, why did
Speaker 1: you Yeah, he wanted to become a better man. That
Speaker 1: definitely what happened. So how do you find out? I
Speaker 1: found out um, actually on accident when um we were
Speaker 1: at this thing called Red Dress Run, which is a
Speaker 1: New Orleans thing but basically everyone guys and girls, we
Speaker 1: all where we all wear red dresses and black out.
Speaker 1: Waiste sucked up and that was the answer A cause
Speaker 1: of it. Actually think there is a cause, but I
Speaker 1: don't know. You don't know what it is, my girl,
Speaker 1: I don't at all. And I lost my phone at
Speaker 1: a bar and I asked to use his, and then
Speaker 1: all these texts came up. I wasn't even snooping, Like
Speaker 1: I wish it had been my own fault for finding it, um,
Speaker 1: and he denied it and I was like, dude, like
Speaker 1: it's right here, what did the text day? Um? It
Speaker 1: was it this? Uh yeah, it was all sext and stuff.
Speaker 1: And then like I scrolled up and saw photos and
Speaker 1: they were like photos that I was in that He
Speaker 1: was like sending these people and then I asked him.
Speaker 1: I was like, how many people, like how many girls?
Speaker 1: Was this? And he said I'd have to think about it.
Speaker 1: And I was like, all right, did he say it
Speaker 1: with that level of sass h No? I mean he
Speaker 1: was like, I'm not sure, I'd have to think about Like,
Speaker 1: so that was your artistic choice to read create just
Speaker 1: because I was like, wow, I would just hit him
Speaker 1: in the face. So, like that same day, I went
Speaker 1: home and that was a way too drunk to do anything,
Speaker 1: so I went to bed. But then the next morning
Speaker 1: I woke up and I just packed up all this
Speaker 1: stuff nice and neat put it on the front porch,
Speaker 1: and I was like, that was a very nice way
Speaker 1: it Usually it goes you throw the ship on the lawn,
Speaker 1: but you folded it up for him. I had already
Speaker 1: thrown his phone against a brick wall, so I did
Speaker 1: have a little moment of crazy that. I don't think
Speaker 1: that was crazy. I think that was justified. Yeah, last
Speaker 1: time I my last boyfriend, I was covered he was
Speaker 1: cheating and I went upstairs was room with the girl
Speaker 1: he was cheating on me with, and I like pushed
Speaker 1: him against the brick wall. So that's way better. There
Speaker 1: might be really bad about Chris slap across the face
Speaker 1: and there too that I didn't mention. Oh he slapped, Okay,
Speaker 1: so what is he? So? What is he saying when
Speaker 1: he basically used as funny as long as it's women
Speaker 1: on men. I'm not proud of that, y'all. Um No,
Speaker 1: but he basically is always reaching out to me because
Speaker 1: he wants me to accept his apology. I'm sorry he's
Speaker 1: changed in the I think I've actually, I mean, I
Speaker 1: read it online, so everything on the internet is true. Um,
Speaker 1: but I read that people with narcissistic tendencies need like
Speaker 1: attention in general, and they can't handle when there is
Speaker 1: a breakup or the ending of a relationship that isn't
Speaker 1: on their terms everything. Do you have his phone number? Handy?
Speaker 1: I wait and tell you. Uh, it's in my in
Speaker 1: my phone, which is in my purse. You don't you
Speaker 1: know it? Actually? I know, like the I don't even
Speaker 1: know my boyfriend's phone number. I know my mom's phone number,
Speaker 1: and I know my own. Are you getting it? Oh
Speaker 1: my god, very smooth move. Friends. You can give it
Speaker 1: to me and I'll call him. Okay, this is so embarrassing.
Speaker 1: Just I'm playing it up talk amongst yourselves. I got
Speaker 1: a lot of contacts. What's his name, Joey, Joey whoa,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Wait should I be one of the
Speaker 1: girls that he sent a message to? And I just
Speaker 1: want to let him know we need a game, We
Speaker 1: need a game plan, We need a game plan. Oh,
Speaker 1: I have it deleted? I deleted it. You deleted his number? Ah,
Speaker 1: well I thought I had it. But it's okay. It
Speaker 1: was a good try. It was a good try. So basically,
Speaker 1: like my problem is that I don't want to give
Speaker 1: him the satisfaction of responding. But I also feel like,
Speaker 1: at what point do I just need to say, like,
Speaker 1: fuck off, leave me alone. I'm obviously have an ant
Speaker 1: or you in a year, so you haven't said alone
Speaker 1: at all. Yeah, I said leave me alone in the beginning,
Speaker 1: but then I was like, Okay, well he's not listening.
Speaker 1: I'm just not I don't want to give him the
Speaker 1: satisfaction of a response. I'm just not going to say
Speaker 1: anything at all. And I thought he would get the hint.
Speaker 1: And it's been a fucking year and hasn't gotten the
Speaker 1: hint that I wanted to see if y'all think I
Speaker 1: should try the go the funk away route, or if
Speaker 1: I should just continue to ignore it and keep blocking
Speaker 1: him wherever he finds me and hope he eventually goes away.
Speaker 1: I I say, go the funk away route. You need
Speaker 1: to stop contacting me. This is extremely inappropriate. We broke
Speaker 1: up a year ago. Stop stalking me. It's actually creepy,
Speaker 1: and I know you wouldn't want to creep me out,
Speaker 1: but that's what you're doing, So go funk yourselves. Joey's
Speaker 1: a grown ask man, like thirty three years old, so ridiculous.
Speaker 1: I wish you had his number. If you mean I
Speaker 1: mean to make sure to add that you don't accept
Speaker 1: his apology. Yeah, yeah, just very on top of that.
Speaker 1: Sunday it's fun to add an extra job. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I would. I would tell him that he needs to stop.
Speaker 1: This is completely inappropriate. He's going to keep doing it
Speaker 1: and it's not acceptable. And if any time during the
Speaker 1: next hour you have a friend that texts you his number,
Speaker 1: you've raised your hand and we'll call him and tell
Speaker 1: him that We'll call him from our phone. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: just tell him that he's a narcissist. Yeah, we'll break
Speaker 1: it to him. We'll break it to him and then
Speaker 1: unless he's a stand up comedian, that's an inappropriate way
Speaker 1: to be. Yeah, he's not funny like that should have
Speaker 1: been the first sign that it wasn't gonna work. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: all right. I hope he doesn't hear this. Tell him
Speaker 1: to go fun I mean, I hope does well. No,
Speaker 1: if he does hear it, then hope you so happy
Speaker 1: that we spent this long time, so much attention exactly
Speaker 1: where I was going. You're right, you're right. Then maybe
Speaker 1: he'll stop, maybe we'll probably not well, Yeah, tell him
Speaker 1: the funk off. And in the meantime, if you get
Speaker 1: his number, just let me know. All right, thank you
Speaker 1: guys for coming up. Do you know where you're going? Okay? Yeah,
Speaker 1: exactly whatever, Like, no, it turns out he was slide.
Speaker 1: That'd be so cool. All right, we have time for
Speaker 1: one one more problem and trying to make it even
Speaker 1: worse than that problem? Yeah, who's who's got something worse?
Speaker 1: I know you do. I see our emails. Wait, is
Speaker 1: there a waitress service? I see people smelling cups in
Speaker 1: the front row. That's never a good sign. Are they
Speaker 1: cups of cocaine? I mean I don't think it's New Orleans.
Speaker 1: So I handed the back. Come on over, go up
Speaker 1: the exit sign, and then just a person who was
Speaker 1: standing to make themselves higher than everyone else, please come forward.
Speaker 1: Good call, Good call, girl. You put it in the
Speaker 1: extra efforts we see. I really hope you find that
Speaker 1: guy's phone number. PS, Joey, I'm gonna call him. Who
Speaker 1: over seventeen goes by Joey, dear lord this guy? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and Jelly, I'm gonna call him Joseph if we do
Speaker 1: find his number. Hi, how are you hie? Take a mic,
Speaker 1: take a seat? What's your name? Wow? Jacqueline give it
Speaker 1: up for Jacqueline of and everybody? Is it weird to
Speaker 1: say that I just listened to your podcast in the
Speaker 1: shower about two hours ago. Did you master really appropriate? Love?
Speaker 1: So many shower podcasts? How long are your shower? In?
Speaker 1: Forty minutes? Sometimes you go ahead, you take Yeah? Um,
Speaker 1: what's going on? So? I would like to know as
Speaker 1: a girl who is chosen to not their children, what
Speaker 1: a witch busted? Okay, it's just get leave um. So
Speaker 1: it changes the dating life, right because you're not looking
Speaker 1: for men based on like O creation and the future
Speaker 1: that were we doing that before. I just think the
Speaker 1: baby earlier, I was just like, who makes me feel
Speaker 1: the worst? You win, guilty, laugh at my jokes. I'll you. Okay.
Speaker 1: So you're out, you're having fun and you're hooking up
Speaker 1: with guys and it's fun, and you find that more
Speaker 1: often than not, you're sucking so much dick and not
Speaker 1: getting reciprocal and I would like to know how to
Speaker 1: appropriately ask to reciprocate the blow jobs that I'm giving.
Speaker 1: It's fine, I love it, but like, what do you say?
Speaker 1: This was a bigger problem, and the problem You're right,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. You're a hero.
Speaker 1: And the chills right now, I feel like you've got
Speaker 1: a good line. I just say, hey, eat my pussy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean what so okay, okay, Well to eat my
Speaker 1: pussy like that. This doesn't turn me on because like
Speaker 1: the first time I ever watched porn was like accidentally
Speaker 1: in the third grade and it was like my friends
Speaker 1: like mom's VHS porn with her dad. Yeah, we didn't
Speaker 1: know what it was gonna, just popped it in. So
Speaker 1: it was a amateur report. It was it was an
Speaker 1: obese people poured like super obese and you were like
Speaker 1: and yeah, like right with her like this and like
Speaker 1: him right here and my friend Rachel had just reheated
Speaker 1: spaghetti and tougher were and was like sitting on the
Speaker 1: bed eating the reheated pasta and like the sound of
Speaker 1: the noodles and then the your attention to detail. It
Speaker 1: was Charles Dickens ask it stuck with me, you know,
Speaker 1: and how long did with me? How long did you
Speaker 1: watch it for? Um? Perhaps the whole thirty seconds for me?
Speaker 1: I just I really felt stick to my stuff, did
Speaker 1: you bart? You know, it blacked out at that point,
Speaker 1: like mentally, and so we never really you know. So
Speaker 1: eating pussy is just like that's what all of a
Speaker 1: sudden I picture. It's like the actually eating spaghetti pussy
Speaker 1: that you know, but you don't think of that when
Speaker 1: you're sucking dick dick and there was no dicks in
Speaker 1: the when you the thirty seconds of the poor that
Speaker 1: you caught a glimpse that high. No, you've never watched
Speaker 1: porn since, I mean tried. You know, my friend Laura
Speaker 1: out here, James Dean, he's still number one. That's a
Speaker 1: tough one. You know. It's like he's like rape and yes,
Speaker 1: but like, okay, meanings, this is taking so many different terms,
Speaker 1: so many levels of issues. Yeah, so back to like,
Speaker 1: you know, so you've sucked a lot of dicks and
Speaker 1: the guys just like alright, good night. Yeah, do you
Speaker 1: suck him until he like does he come? Oh? Because
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, don't, don't suck his dick until
Speaker 1: he has an orgasm, but we and then so you
Speaker 1: suck ad sick and then he comes and then he
Speaker 1: falls asleep or then he gets up and goes and
Speaker 1: definitely not eating your pussy and leaves the room or
Speaker 1: like you walks off the porch like you know, but
Speaker 1: where are you fucking? So this is more of a
Speaker 1: New Orleans story, serry New Orleans. Like he just joins
Speaker 1: a parade and walks away. But what the last another?
Speaker 1: How many times does this happen? That's really frustrating. Oh
Speaker 1: I'm so upset. No, I understand, how okay? And but
Speaker 1: to be real, it's like there's a thrill. I have
Speaker 1: to say that there's like in New Orleans, like this
Speaker 1: whole star fucking thing where it's like they're all these
Speaker 1: musicians and like it's just turn you on. I think
Speaker 1: New Orleans everyone's like, but aren't there musicians like everywhere? Yes,
Speaker 1: but like here it's like we live here, we see
Speaker 1: them all the time. Like there's just like real people,
Speaker 1: and there's this like thrilled like watching some perform and
Speaker 1: then like following them into the green room and then
Speaker 1: like following them and okay, yeah, but like how do
Speaker 1: you just ask for a surprise? So you're flowing musicians
Speaker 1: at the balcony above their venue after they just played, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: we fine, like local celebrities or like I just want
Speaker 1: to make sure because reciprocity many of you for being
Speaker 1: a star fucker not a slut. There's a difference. But
Speaker 1: also it's hard to eat a pussy. I mean maybe
Speaker 1: it's not, but like I usually want to be on
Speaker 1: a bed and if there's just it's hard to eat
Speaker 1: a pussy when your egos in the way I think
Speaker 1: is the answer to this question, Like it's like no one,
Speaker 1: no one, Like I would never give a blow jomp
Speaker 1: if I didn't have to, but I have not reached
Speaker 1: that level of success. What I do? How about you
Speaker 1: make them go down on you first before you suck
Speaker 1: their dick? Please? How do you ask for it? How
Speaker 1: do you say it, okay, here's important? Do you make
Speaker 1: that like whispering? Don't don't just just be like just
Speaker 1: whisper in their here. I want you to eat my pussy.
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that my brother in the front row
Speaker 1: for this. Sorry Chris, right there? Um, do you go
Speaker 1: to suck their dick? Or do they ask you to
Speaker 1: suck their dick? It's just like it's making out and
Speaker 1: it's fun, and then it's just like it feels good.
Speaker 1: But then it's like okay, but then like why isn't
Speaker 1: it just a given that it should just be he
Speaker 1: doesn't do one of these right, okay? Go good? Because
Speaker 1: I'm like, then you go, you go for the dick.
Speaker 1: It's not given because like, who would want to put
Speaker 1: in more work than they have to? That's why it's
Speaker 1: not a given. Like no one's like, oh, I like
Speaker 1: want to do extra credit even though I'm already passing
Speaker 1: the class. You know what I'm saying. I would make
Speaker 1: them finger me before he secked this dick, because fingering
Speaker 1: is more doable on a porch, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I really, I mean, you gotta go logistics, less siving
Speaker 1: and more demands. So I think it's like kind of
Speaker 1: rude to take anybody's head and put it towards your crotch.
Speaker 1: But if you take someone's hand and put it down
Speaker 1: your pants, if you're already making out and it's already sexual,
Speaker 1: then get off that way right and then be like bye, right,
Speaker 1: and just remember like if these are like things on
Speaker 1: the go, things like you're pussy is not a lunchable.
Speaker 1: So it's not like it's to go it m. It's
Speaker 1: more of like I'm eating this here, you know, it's
Speaker 1: to stay in. Yeah, it is. It's just like more
Speaker 1: of a it's yeah, there's more involved. That's a really
Speaker 1: good question, though, I would because if you're seeing this
Speaker 1: as a pattern, take their pan and go, I mean,
Speaker 1: don't say do that sound I don't. However, you like
Speaker 1: shut up and then after you they finger you, just
Speaker 1: take out a flute and play it walk away. That's
Speaker 1: what I would. The star now, yeah, I'm a huge starfucker.
Speaker 1: I don't care. It's fine. I think you have to
Speaker 1: be comfortable demanding what you want and and being like
Speaker 1: being willing to risk not getting anything and walking away
Speaker 1: empty handed. You just have to be willing to take
Speaker 1: that risk, like there'll be another dick to suck like.
Speaker 1: I know that's like a dream for everybody, but there'll
Speaker 1: be another. I would suggest putting your hand down in
Speaker 1: your vagina area and making sure that they go to town. Basically,
Speaker 1: I've just given up on the whole thing. You know,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't give up. You shouldn't give up. Have you
Speaker 1: ever put a guy's a musician like in that situation,
Speaker 1: that's an area. Have you ever kind of encouraged him
Speaker 1: to get you lost the ideas that they'll play you
Speaker 1: like their instrument, right, And that's why when you watch
Speaker 1: them and play bass, you're like, that's how they would
Speaker 1: finger me on into it, or like that you know,
Speaker 1: triple tongue thing with the trumpets. You know, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: even think of that that need to go out like
Speaker 1: trumpet players. It's just I mean, I have a very
Speaker 1: strict no musicians rule for this reason. In particular, they
Speaker 1: just stuck their trust musicians. I mean I didn't want
Speaker 1: to just come out and say that, but like that's
Speaker 1: your problem. Stop fucking musicians. It's like it's like if
Speaker 1: I could make a list of people not to fund
Speaker 1: number one comedians and then number two definitely musicians in
Speaker 1: the birth probably hockey players. Oh yeah, they're they're I mean,
Speaker 1: I ever experience I've had with a musician. I'm sure
Speaker 1: there's some great ones out there. But oh and the
Speaker 1: number four is like artists that you've never heard of. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like unless Andy Warhol came back from the dentist, it's
Speaker 1: not him. Well, I just admire that, you know, you
Speaker 1: just know this stuff, and I'm still fucking figuring it out,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, we don't know what. We're just
Speaker 1: trying to figure it out to. We're just taking a
Speaker 1: stay about it. Girl. Yeah, you could be good. Go
Speaker 1: after the show. We'll give you some skin condoms if
Speaker 1: it gets to that point. But you make somebody fingering
Speaker 1: after the show consensual, and you're not allowed to leave
Speaker 1: this theater into the finger bangars you Jackline. These three
Speaker 1: guys are like, we're all man, look at all these
Speaker 1: handsome men not saying, you know, does that help? Perfects
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, thank you
Speaker 1: very much, appreciate it. It's nice to such an awkward hugger.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, thank you hug awkwardly perfect. All right, So
Speaker 1: now we are ready to bring on our guests for
Speaker 1: today's podcast. We're very excited, very excited. It's always nice
Speaker 1: when you have a guest. She was substantially more famous
Speaker 1: than Yeah, you know her from probably the show Girl code.
Speaker 1: Please give it up for Carly Aculina. Hanger's so excited.
Speaker 1: I brought so many beverages, got all the beverages. You
Speaker 1: want to be so hydrated. It's gonna be great. This
Speaker 1: is great. I love it. Where's the girl? Is she
Speaker 1: getting fingered right now? Where she's busy? She can't be
Speaker 1: here for the rest of the pod. She had to
Speaker 1: She was escorted out. It was like, you have to go,
Speaker 1: get fingered out. She left like a top spinning on
Speaker 1: top of the finger like a Dradell. Happy everybody. It's
Speaker 1: not really a holiday where you say happy, but you know,
Speaker 1: is it a sad one. It's one where you just
Speaker 1: sitting temple all day and think about what a piece
Speaker 1: of ship you are. So did you have any religious background?
Speaker 1: I'm not. I mean I was raised Catholic, but we
Speaker 1: didn't like go to church or you know, I actually
Speaker 1: got kicked out of religion when I was like in,
Speaker 1: not out of the religion. Um, I don't think so.
Speaker 1: At least, but actually maybe I didn't. I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just like missed too many classes. Maybe they used
Speaker 1: to make you go on Saturdays, and it's like I'm not,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that, Like I'm not going to go
Speaker 1: on a Saturday and like read the Bible. So I
Speaker 1: got kicked out and they like yelled at my mom
Speaker 1: and then my mom told like a nun that she
Speaker 1: was going to hell. Oh she told a nun. That's hilarious.
Speaker 1: That's a real story that actually happened to me. So
Speaker 1: to answer your question, I'm not religious like I'm They tried,
Speaker 1: like everybody tried, but it just didn't work because I
Speaker 1: didn't want to go on Saturday. It didn't take. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I hear you. I don't know what it was about.
Speaker 1: To answer your question, I didn't learn any I received communion,
Speaker 1: but I didn't receive come from me. Is that when
Speaker 1: you get like the bread and yeah, you get like
Speaker 1: the bread, it's not even bread, it's it's yeah, it's cracker.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even call it. It's like disgusting. It's like
Speaker 1: doesn't taste good at all. Jesus is body tastes cool? Literally? Yeah,
Speaker 1: did they your parents give you any type of sucks
Speaker 1: talk when you're a kid, Like how did you learn
Speaker 1: what sex was? My mom told me. She was like,
Speaker 1: well it was weird to yeah, Like, my mom and
Speaker 1: I have been really close all the time, so even
Speaker 1: when I was younger, like she kind of gave me
Speaker 1: the talk like when you fall in love with somebody, Okay, mom, um,
Speaker 1: that's like such a lie, Like she forgot to say
Speaker 1: that that was a lie. But she was like, when
Speaker 1: you fall in love with somebody, you're going to like
Speaker 1: have urges. These are the word like the keywords that
Speaker 1: parents use their like urges. And then when my mom
Speaker 1: found out I had sex, like I had told her
Speaker 1: that I had sex for the first time, and she
Speaker 1: was like, well, we need to get you on birth
Speaker 1: control asap. Like she did the right thing. She was
Speaker 1: cool about it. Yeah, when I was in and not
Speaker 1: talk to you, she was really nice about it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then but it actually got worse, Like I kind
Speaker 1: of wish she would have shunned me because she was like, um,
Speaker 1: you need to go on birth control. I said, I
Speaker 1: didn't want to go on birth control. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: we're using protection. She's like, condoms don't always work. And
Speaker 1: I was like, anyway, I was at the sponsor, you
Speaker 1: smelled us from a mile away car. Yeah, no, I
Speaker 1: just love Yeah, I really do that. But um yeah.
Speaker 1: So I was like, condoms do always work? And she
Speaker 1: was like, no, they don't. That's how you were born.
Speaker 1: So I was like, what you crazy? So yeah, she
Speaker 1: made that point. So I was a mistake and everything's
Speaker 1: been great ever since. Wow. Yeah. Did you ever have
Speaker 1: like any weird kid masturbation stories? And I feel like
Speaker 1: I have a ton. I think, like I think my
Speaker 1: mom walked in on me masturbating. Yeah, my mom like
Speaker 1: walked in on me because I would like masturbate. Like
Speaker 1: when I first found out I could masterurbate, I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm doing this all the time, like not for the
Speaker 1: night time, like during the day. I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: literally just gonna always masturbate, and she this is a
Speaker 1: magical button, Like why would I ever want to not
Speaker 1: feel this way? Like I'm constantly masturbating. Did you know
Speaker 1: how that I thought I would get pregnant And I
Speaker 1: was like waiting for the day that I would pee
Speaker 1: and I would I was like eight, Yeah, Like I
Speaker 1: would look at the toilet paper for blood and like,
Speaker 1: I'm when I have to tell my mom soon. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I thought I was getting pregnant. Yeah, I thought you'd
Speaker 1: get pregnant like from from kissing. Oh yeah, but that
Speaker 1: was like also weird that I thought that. Um, but yeah,
Speaker 1: my mom knew that I was because she came into
Speaker 1: my room and I like, I guess there was like
Speaker 1: a book on my bed, like for I guess I
Speaker 1: had like put my book back on my bed. She
Speaker 1: walked on me. Yeah, she walked in on me masturbating
Speaker 1: and I opened a book and she was like, I
Speaker 1: know you're lying. You were not reading a book, Like
Speaker 1: what were you doing? Like that was like what she
Speaker 1: caught me because I never I was so bad in school.
Speaker 1: So she was like, you weren't reading. I was like,
Speaker 1: why did she do me weren't reading? Because I wasn't reading.
Speaker 1: I never was reading. I was always masturbating. You guys,
Speaker 1: never reading, and that's why you didn't do well in school. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's why I'm a comedian. Like my life now,
Speaker 1: no reading require just yeah. Did she like say anything
Speaker 1: else after that? Like okay, cool, like you're yeah, she
Speaker 1: was like it's natural, you're a person, Like these are
Speaker 1: things that are going to happen when you get older.
Speaker 1: You know, like it's okay, just embrace it. My mom's
Speaker 1: super cool. My mom's super cool. She was like, don't
Speaker 1: think you're weird, Like everybody goes through this, and I
Speaker 1: was like, you don't though, that's gross. Did you ever
Speaker 1: hear your parents having sex? No? Thank god, because I
Speaker 1: would die. I would die. Yeah. I know so many
Speaker 1: people that have like walked in on their parents having sex.
Speaker 1: I've never have never heard of sound. Have you know?
Speaker 1: There was one incident in the hallway downstairs where I
Speaker 1: thought I pickared something, but then I was like, we
Speaker 1: just live in a very old colonial home, so it
Speaker 1: couldn't have been. It was just yeah, it was just yeah,
Speaker 1: the ghost for fucking in your house. It was the ghost.
Speaker 1: The relationship you told us a very little bit of
Speaker 1: a story backstage about yeah, someone and you and someone
Speaker 1: in jail, right, me and somebody in jail. It's plain.
Speaker 1: So I have really great judgment um. When I'm dating
Speaker 1: a guy, I'm like, he has to be perfect, and like,
Speaker 1: so I dated this guy that was in jail. He
Speaker 1: was in jail when before he started dating he was
Speaker 1: go Okay, So I started dating him when he was
Speaker 1: on probation. Okay, you guys is stopping and he was
Speaker 1: in rehab, so it's like whatever, he was trying to
Speaker 1: get better, but he had to he had to be
Speaker 1: in rehab. Like what he didn't want to go to rehab,
Speaker 1: like he had to go. So yeah, yeah, like people
Speaker 1: make mistakes, it's not even a big deal. So he's like, no,
Speaker 1: he's the one. Obviously I thought that, and then he
Speaker 1: ended up violating his probation because he's amazing and like
Speaker 1: he went to jail, so I'm like, oh, perfect. Like
Speaker 1: a normal person would have been like I should probably
Speaker 1: stop dating this guy that's in jail. But I was like,
Speaker 1: this guy will never cheat on me, and I always
Speaker 1: this is I know where he is, Like how a
Speaker 1: guy who doesn't drink it. Yeah, it's like about it.
Speaker 1: It's totally fine. It's like dating a gay guy. It's like,
Speaker 1: I know, you're not gonna suck any other girls, like
Speaker 1: you're in jail. So I'm like, Okay, he's in jail,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be fine. Nothing's gonna happen. He had this
Speaker 1: court date. By the way, I was an amazing like
Speaker 1: jail girlfriend, like I sent him a cake to jail,
Speaker 1: and they didn't do that. They gave it. They smushed it,
Speaker 1: but they gave it him all smushed. Why did they
Speaker 1: smush it to make sure nothing was instead there were
Speaker 1: no like weapons in it. Yeah, it was like a
Speaker 1: weed cake. I know. I should have been like, really cool,
Speaker 1: I should be really cool and gave him a weed cake,
Speaker 1: but I get I sent him like a cake because
Speaker 1: he was like going to court the next day, and
Speaker 1: he like and they smushed the cake, but then anything
Speaker 1: on him it did say like good luck out like
Speaker 1: so disgusting, Like this is so disgusting. Did you know
Speaker 1: they were going to smash it? I had a feeling.
Speaker 1: I was like, there's no way I could just send
Speaker 1: stuff into jail like I would be baking and good.
Speaker 1: He was like, oh my god. Everybody was a sweet
Speaker 1: tooth and the kind of gentry pastry. Yeah, but they
Speaker 1: smushed it. They gave it to him. He loved it.
Speaker 1: He loved it because he was in jail, like he
Speaker 1: had no other option. Yeah, so he ate the smushed
Speaker 1: cake and then he went to the court the next day.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, my boyfriend's like
Speaker 1: in court. He was either going to get out of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so like, I'm so nervous what I do so
Speaker 1: for he was either going to get out of jail
Speaker 1: that day or like go to jail for like a
Speaker 1: really fucking long time, right, hence the cake. Yeah, the cake.
Speaker 1: So I was like, all right, this might be he's
Speaker 1: the work. He's a monster. He's literally a living monster.
Speaker 1: Why did he's a nightmare? Did you know the crimes
Speaker 1: that he was up for? Yes? What were they? I
Speaker 1: was such a fan. He was like, he's he's I
Speaker 1: miss him. I do I miss him. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: remember what he did. He was like white, like Walter White,
Speaker 1: like making meth like something cool and creat It wasn't
Speaker 1: even creative. It was like getting into too many fights,
Speaker 1: like getting a d we like doing stupid things and
Speaker 1: just constantly like I think he got caught with like
Speaker 1: weed a few times, but it's like it's weed. So
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, he's he's still the one. So
Speaker 1: then I didn't hear from him the whole court day day,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, he's probably in jail,
Speaker 1: Like I was so upset, but he would I was.
Speaker 1: It was so embarrassing because he would like call me
Speaker 1: like collect, I would know he had a calling card.
Speaker 1: It was like fans did you give him? Yeah? It
Speaker 1: was like classy. It was classy. So I was nervous
Speaker 1: that he was going to be in jail forever. And
Speaker 1: then I look online and like, we have a mutual friend,
Speaker 1: and I look online and there's pictures of like him
Speaker 1: leaving court. So he's like, he's actually a musician, Okay,
Speaker 1: I was. I was like, is he just aian, not
Speaker 1: like a random guy? Where's Jacqueline girl? She's getting finger
Speaker 1: in the bag. She's literally getting finger probably by him, Like,
Speaker 1: we don't know where he is. He's am I a um,
Speaker 1: but he was a musician. So I saw online that
Speaker 1: he was like leaving court with his ex girlfriend. So
Speaker 1: I got cheated on by somebody that was in jail,
Speaker 1: like and that was the whole reason why I was
Speaker 1: with him. I was like, you're in jail, like this
Speaker 1: is kind of perfect. Yeah, there's no there's like no
Speaker 1: girls even allowed near you like him? Can you suck
Speaker 1: people in jail? I think there might be a thing,
Speaker 1: there's conjugal visits, but I have to have to be married,
Speaker 1: and I was working on it. I was working on it.
Speaker 1: But had you had sexual contact with him before he
Speaker 1: went to jail. Oh my god, yeah, I know. So
Speaker 1: I was like waiting for him to like I wasn't
Speaker 1: even hooking up with that he didn't know I was
Speaker 1: his girlfriend. He didn't know I was his girlfriend. A
Speaker 1: lot of times guys don't know that I'm their girlfriend,
Speaker 1: and it's like so hard, like I tell them, you know,
Speaker 1: but they're like they're like, I'm in jail, Like I
Speaker 1: can't do it. He didn't. That's not yeah, that's exactly.
Speaker 1: It's never know, but it's never yet. So it's like
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do, Like you're my boyfriend,
Speaker 1: but I was. I really thought he was my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: But I also wasn't hooking up with anybody else because
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, he's gonna call me at
Speaker 1: like three, and then he's gonna call me again at seven.
Speaker 1: Like I was like, I'm in a relationship, So I
Speaker 1: didn't hook up with anybody else. And then I saw
Speaker 1: him like leaving Core with his girl his ex girlfriends,
Speaker 1: and then the next day he called me and I
Speaker 1: was like, um, first of all, I'm glad you're going
Speaker 1: to jail, Like forever. So we ended up going he
Speaker 1: ended up going back to jail, but she like went
Speaker 1: to his court date and they were like I was like,
Speaker 1: you were holding hands like outside of court, like and
Speaker 1: in my head, I was like, this is the craziest
Speaker 1: conversation he's ever had. That girl was like, who the
Speaker 1: fund gave you that cake? Exactly what he gave you
Speaker 1: that smushed ass cake like literally was like a sand castle.
Speaker 1: But I try. I thought I was like an amazing
Speaker 1: jail girlfriend. I would be one of those girlfriends too,
Speaker 1: Like I you know those crazy people, Like there's shows
Speaker 1: about it where it's like these women like are pen
Speaker 1: pals with like murderers West Memphis, and yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: what I want to be. Well, it's hard because when
Speaker 1: you're like women are strong and smart and for thinking
Speaker 1: and intelligent, and then and then you're like he want yeah, lenge,
Speaker 1: it's a challenge to not get murdered. You're like, I
Speaker 1: don't know if he will murder me or not. Right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's exciting. Yeah, we always like women always want to
Speaker 1: keep things interesting, and that's just like another way to
Speaker 1: do that. Right. Yeah, it's like a mystery. You never
Speaker 1: know if he's going to kill you. So much fun,
Speaker 1: so much fun stays in jail. So how did did he? Ever?
Speaker 1: Was there ever a moment where he was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I didn't know we were in a relationship. No, he
Speaker 1: was nice about it. He was like because I think
Speaker 1: it was because of the cakes. Like he felt bad.
Speaker 1: So he was like, I'm sorry, Like it was just
Speaker 1: like she showed up. I'm like, nobody just shows up
Speaker 1: to go to like court, Like nobody ever wants to
Speaker 1: go to court. It's not like a fun thing. It's
Speaker 1: not like, oh she showed up at like Disneyland, like
Speaker 1: it's court. She didn't want you invited her, like, and
Speaker 1: I would have gone, like that's the thing. I would
Speaker 1: have been there like in those sterns. Yeah, fully would
Speaker 1: have had a sign like he's yeah so stupid black
Speaker 1: and white stripes. Wow. Wow, is that like the weirdest
Speaker 1: dating story you have? Like the worst? I have really
Speaker 1: bad dating stories. I've been I have some serious dating stories.
Speaker 1: Like what, that's not the worst one. That's that might
Speaker 1: be the word. That's like the craziest one. I think
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of other bad ones. I went
Speaker 1: I was on okay Cupid like a two year stretch
Speaker 1: like date date, date, date, that's like what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: It's terrible, Well, most of them are horrible, but as
Speaker 1: a comedian, I'm like, this is hilarious. Yes. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: then this one guy showed up to my house. Um,
Speaker 1: he drove an ambulance and he showed in the ambulance
Speaker 1: and like outside and like put the sirens on and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my odd and then didn't put
Speaker 1: you in a stretcher. No, wou was partner was in
Speaker 1: the back of the ambulance, was like, Bob needs to
Speaker 1: go home. But and then we had our first date
Speaker 1: and he had like dirty fingers, like long fingernails that
Speaker 1: were very dirty underneath, and then he ate he ordered
Speaker 1: this giant plate of wings, and I thought we're gonna
Speaker 1: split it, like he ate them all. What. I just
Speaker 1: sat there for like forty minutes, going, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: eat this, You're this whole. So you didn't even go
Speaker 1: in even like like like like a month like a
Speaker 1: werewolf to those wings. Yeah, And anyway, yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: comes to mind when I have like bad day experiences.
Speaker 1: That one of them. Yeah, I like went on a
Speaker 1: date with a guy recently, like and we had been
Speaker 1: talking forever um, but like he wasn't my boyfriend. I
Speaker 1: mean to me, he was, but like he wasn't um.
Speaker 1: But we went to the movies like literally it's like
Speaker 1: this movie theater, like you're at a kiosk buying ticket,
Speaker 1: Like it's like you have to like wait in line,
Speaker 1: and he like got one ticket for him, so it's
Speaker 1: like okay, okay, okay, So I like got my ticket.
Speaker 1: I was like this is stupid, Like you I should
Speaker 1: have been like okay, but I'm like cool, but I'm
Speaker 1: like I don't care, Like but it was like a
Speaker 1: shitty movie that I didn't even want to see him,
Speaker 1: Like I didn't want to like I could have watched
Speaker 1: Netflix in my house, Like what are we doing out
Speaker 1: in public together? So I bought the ticket and then
Speaker 1: I got popcorn, Like I got popcorn. He ate all
Speaker 1: the fucking popcorn, And I'm like, you have brought nothing
Speaker 1: to this relationship that you don't know exists, Like this
Speaker 1: is a real relationship to me, and not because you
Speaker 1: don't know that it's a thing, But how could you
Speaker 1: just do like you eat all my popcorn and popcorns
Speaker 1: like my favorite thing? Me too? I love movie popcorn. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I have my own popcorn popper at my house. My
Speaker 1: boyfriend gives me popcorn for Christmas and I'm genuinely happy.
Speaker 1: That's amazing. Yeah, so I feel you on that. That's ship.
Speaker 1: That's rude. Oh my god, I've like the worst sex
Speaker 1: you've ever had, because I feel like the worst sex
Speaker 1: they had. Yeah, these are just dasn't even like. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but wait, I'm confused because we so you're do these
Speaker 1: people know that you're like somebody? How is it like
Speaker 1: dating when you're known? I think it's this. I think
Speaker 1: it's uh, it goes both ways because like either somebody's
Speaker 1: cool and like they don't. It's not a thing. Like
Speaker 1: I never wanted to be a thing, and I never
Speaker 1: act like it's a thing because I don't think I'm
Speaker 1: like a superstar in any type of way. But I've
Speaker 1: dated like I also don't have like, oh I need
Speaker 1: to date a guy that has these things like he
Speaker 1: I don't think of it like that. But there's definitely
Speaker 1: been times where I've gone out with like I hooked
Speaker 1: up with all right, So, like I dated this guy, Um,
Speaker 1: he was like a waiter at one of the comedy
Speaker 1: clubs that I worked and I met and I was
Speaker 1: like you and then he was like mozzar Ali sex
Speaker 1: and I was like yes, and so we fell in
Speaker 1: love obviously, and we dated for a little bit. But
Speaker 1: he like took such advantage of me, like I was
Speaker 1: paying for everything, and I'm like, and here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, first of all, we're not doing anything crazy.
Speaker 1: We're like getting pizza, Like I'm not one of those
Speaker 1: people that's like I need to go to all these
Speaker 1: bougie places. But then it was like he never like offered,
Speaker 1: and then he was like going out getting tattoos and
Speaker 1: ship Like I'm like, you've just been to thousand dollars
Speaker 1: on a tattoo, Like you can't get a bagel two
Speaker 1: dollars and I'm buying you a bagel like you're disgusting,
Speaker 1: Like you're gross, and two dollars is like a high
Speaker 1: end bagel. That's a nice bagel exactly. And I was
Speaker 1: like treating him to this, like these fancy bagels. I
Speaker 1: would like be like, what flavor do you want? Like
Speaker 1: I was like nice, but yeah, it's sackless. It sucks,
Speaker 1: But I like hearing story. I always feel like I
Speaker 1: hear stories about male comedians fucking the waitress is not
Speaker 1: going out behind the bagels. I wish they were that nice.
Speaker 1: Maybe some of them are, but it's nice to make
Speaker 1: a chick comedian be like, yeah, you begels. My friends
Speaker 1: always make fun of me because I like whenever a
Speaker 1: guy like comes over. If I like hook up with
Speaker 1: a guy, I like get them an uber. That's that's
Speaker 1: so nice. I had a three way in Toronto when
Speaker 1: I got the girl in uber that's so nice downstairs
Speaker 1: and it's like luxury. It's like I'm not It's like,
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna get you an uber X, like
Speaker 1: I'll get you like an uber like I'll get you
Speaker 1: like the Honda Civic uber, like the fancy uber. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's it's like, yeah, that's very Derek Jeter Rot. It's
Speaker 1: so like a little gift for you, Like he could
Speaker 1: just sit in that uber, like he could plug in
Speaker 1: his phone, like there's so many things he could do,
Speaker 1: and he's in one of girl coke not even ride chair.
Speaker 1: That's very nice. Yeah, That's what I'm saying. I'm like,
Speaker 1: but my friends always make fun of me for that
Speaker 1: because I'm like a monster. But I'm also like, get
Speaker 1: the funk out of my apartment because I don't want
Speaker 1: to sleep in bed with anybody that I'm not dating. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't like it. You sweat, You're like a furnace,
Speaker 1: like your their leg is always like on my leg,
Speaker 1: and then I can't move my leg, and then I'm
Speaker 1: afraid to sleep in my own bed. So I always
Speaker 1: I'm like, you need to go home. Actually, a few
Speaker 1: weeks ago, made a guy ride his bike back to
Speaker 1: Brooklyn at three thirty in the morning, like over the
Speaker 1: Brooklyn Bridge in the rain. Wow. I mean, that's how
Speaker 1: much personal space matters that. It's true I could he
Speaker 1: shouldn't have rowed a bike to me. Otherwise I would
Speaker 1: have gotten him an Uber. But there's no ubers that
Speaker 1: are like you can bring your bike in here, Like
Speaker 1: that's fucking stupid. Yeah, like Uber bikes, Like, no, that'll
Speaker 1: teach him that he was going to be able to
Speaker 1: sleep over. And I was like, no, you're gonna need
Speaker 1: to get on that get on that two wheeler and
Speaker 1: just ride your ass home. Buddy. What are about guys
Speaker 1: always putting their like Because my boyfriend always puts his
Speaker 1: big gass leg on mine. I hate it. Is it
Speaker 1: like airing their dick out that I think, here's what
Speaker 1: it is, and just do this. And I've been trying
Speaker 1: to figure this out forever because I think that every
Speaker 1: girl is like fascinated by balls, right, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I play with me. You don't know what the fund
Speaker 1: is happening with the balls. Every times they shrank, they
Speaker 1: like sack that was dragging. Yeah, and now it's like
Speaker 1: where did they go? Exactly? Sometimes I go to find
Speaker 1: them and they're not. They're like, where did they go
Speaker 1: to hold them? I'm like, wait, we're just balls here. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It's like fashioning every excuse that I make for a guy.
Speaker 1: I'm like, it's his balls. Like I know it's the
Speaker 1: balls because I'm like are they Like? How do you
Speaker 1: not squish them? Like when you're walking? Like how do
Speaker 1: you not feel them? Bike? These are like every boyfriend
Speaker 1: I've ever had bikes. I don't get it. How do
Speaker 1: you ride a bike? You ride a bike? How on
Speaker 1: top of the bike? T bag the bike and the bike?
Speaker 1: Where are you from? Ireland? Rudding? They're like, we hope
Speaker 1: they do audience participants. We hope they ask us what
Speaker 1: we do with our balls? AI? Yeah, but I'm like
Speaker 1: fascinated by them. But I think maybe that's why they're
Speaker 1: so spready when they sleep, because their balls are like
Speaker 1: they never they probably don't even know what's going on
Speaker 1: with their balls ever, because like how could you even know?
Speaker 1: Do you know? After like after guy comes and then
Speaker 1: you just if you look at his balls, they're like moving,
Speaker 1: like there's like so crazy like Sigourney, it's like alien
Speaker 1: but so crazy. Look Oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 1: You have to look like you have to look, you know,
Speaker 1: those things are like vibrating. No, they like you know
Speaker 1: those sand art pieces that your dad had on his
Speaker 1: desk and you flip it over and it's all these
Speaker 1: colors and they just like yeah, and that's what balls do.
Speaker 1: It's like they like it's like the Mummy, you know,
Speaker 1: when the bugs go under your skin and they're like
Speaker 1: moving around. That's what balls have a lot of weird
Speaker 1: life experiences. I'm obsessed with, Like I love, I'm like
Speaker 1: fascinated by them because I'm like, I don't know what
Speaker 1: they're eat Like why, Yeah, it's it is literally the
Speaker 1: like the beginning of a life. But it's still confusing
Speaker 1: to me. I don't know, we'd balls are, So that's
Speaker 1: my excuse for them, Like with the legs when they're sleeping,
Speaker 1: it's like your ball. Their balls are like just moving
Speaker 1: around there, Like I have to just move my leg
Speaker 1: because my balls are creeping up on But when they
Speaker 1: do that, are they naked and so they're like balls
Speaker 1: are on your Yeah, I mean, and I never I
Speaker 1: never want to see like I don't. I'm not a
Speaker 1: fan and I'm not a fan unless I love you.
Speaker 1: I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you.
Speaker 1: It's not a thing that I I'm not like, oh,
Speaker 1: I want to wake up in the morning and so
Speaker 1: we both smell like shit and like fucking kiss it's
Speaker 1: so weird. Yeah. Yeah, if I'm gonna kiss you with
Speaker 1: morning breath, it's because I fucking yeah, it's because I
Speaker 1: love you and I know that you love me, and
Speaker 1: you're not going to like never talk to me again
Speaker 1: because I look like Jack Nicholson when I wake up
Speaker 1: in the morning, Like wow you do really? Oh yeah, amazing.
Speaker 1: This is one dude that was like way older than me,
Speaker 1: that used to bank like five years on and off,
Speaker 1: and I remember I would wake up before him and
Speaker 1: like go to his I was like twenty or nineteen,
Speaker 1: put makeup onto the bathroom, natural makeup, yeah, pursed lips,
Speaker 1: and then as I I was like what am I? Why?
Speaker 1: Why am I doing this? And then I would get
Speaker 1: back in bed and like put my hair and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: good morning. Yeah I love that fake waking up. I
Speaker 1: still do that all the time. I'll be like, what,
Speaker 1: that's not how I wake up? If anybody ever actually
Speaker 1: woke me up, I'm like, what the funk are you doing?
Speaker 1: Why are you touching me? Like, don't wake me up?
Speaker 1: How dare you? But I do that, like I'll like
Speaker 1: put listerine and like he's gonna actually believe that. I
Speaker 1: wake up smelling like a fucking mountain every morning, so bizarre. Wow,
Speaker 1: I've ever done why do? I've definitely brushed my teeth,
Speaker 1: but I've never put on makeup and gone back to
Speaker 1: bed but brushed my teeth. Yeah, Because I mean there's
Speaker 1: a certain point when your breath is so bad that
Speaker 1: it's even hurting you. Yeah yeah, yeah, you're okay. It's
Speaker 1: like you're ashamed of it. You're ashamed of it. Oh
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, well what's that? What's that scene? And like
Speaker 1: is it my best friend's wedding where like or nodding
Speaker 1: Hill maybe where Julia Roberts like pulls the sheets over
Speaker 1: her mouth, and I was like, that's the scene in
Speaker 1: the movie that's most spoken to me any movie ever. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like, well, if Julia Roberts wakes up with
Speaker 1: morning breath, then it's okay. Sometimes I'll wake up and
Speaker 1: pretend to be confused like where. Yeah, I'm like I
Speaker 1: never do this with my boyfriend where he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's okay, and I think that's so cute, so keep going. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: I do that all the time. I do that all
Speaker 1: but even people that you like known a long time,
Speaker 1: what people a long time? Oh? Fully, fully, I'll go
Speaker 1: all adorable on your ass. Yeah, I'll go adorable and
Speaker 1: also sometimes hit like oh, like oh I accidentally, like
Speaker 1: I accidentally kicked you when they're snoring, like, get the
Speaker 1: funk off me. I accidentally kicked But it's like, oh
Speaker 1: is an accident, And he's like, oh, it's so cute
Speaker 1: that you were sleeping and like physically abused me. But
Speaker 1: I was like, your leg was on me, so I
Speaker 1: had to intervene and kick you. Stephen when he snores, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you should like it's like a kicking. It's like just stop.
Speaker 1: Yet how every guy snores nicely rolling over their body
Speaker 1: so they stopped snoring? Didn't work? I've done it. Only
Speaker 1: hitting works, only hitting or kicking. Have you ever actually
Speaker 1: like gotten violent with a dude? No? No, for sexual
Speaker 1: I don't think for section. No, you're not. You're a
Speaker 1: non violent person. I I don't think so even like
Speaker 1: when I get ad, I don't like I'm not like
Speaker 1: a screaming crazy person. I'm like the creepy mad person
Speaker 1: where I just stare and like like my like my
Speaker 1: jaw is clenched, troll. Yeah, staring troll. He's fucking best. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But I just stare and like clench my jaw and
Speaker 1: then like any guy I've ever been with this, like
Speaker 1: what the funk are you thinking right now? Like you
Speaker 1: need to talk to me? What's going on in your head?
Speaker 1: And I'm like I'm fine. Oh yeah, I'm the worst
Speaker 1: kind of crazy because I'm like silent crazy. Nobody knows
Speaker 1: what I'm thinking. How long does it take you to
Speaker 1: eventually tell the person how you're feeling? Because I hold
Speaker 1: out for a while. Yeah, I hold out until I
Speaker 1: calmed down. Usually because that's what I've learned, because I
Speaker 1: feel like if you say things when you're really mad,
Speaker 1: you end up saying things that you don't mean, and
Speaker 1: it really can hurt someone's feelings. Even if you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: I was mad, like I didn't mean it, they're still
Speaker 1: like you kind of did because you think it and
Speaker 1: you said it, so it was on the tip of
Speaker 1: I don't literally you couldn't wait to say it, like
Speaker 1: like you interrupted me, just say yeah, so they know
Speaker 1: that it's intentional and it's like you actually mean it.
Speaker 1: So I will always calm down before I yell at someone.
Speaker 1: But I don't even yell. I just go, I just
Speaker 1: don't think that was right, Like I just like try
Speaker 1: and not be crazy, and it just comes. It's hard
Speaker 1: complete in Sanday. Oh yeah, it makes you me look
Speaker 1: even more crazy when I'm staring at a fucking wall
Speaker 1: like it's weird. No, I don't look him in the eye.
Speaker 1: I stare at a wall and just gaze and they're like,
Speaker 1: I know you're mad, Like why are you all seeing
Speaker 1: a ghost? Yeah, that's how I'm when I'm mad. I
Speaker 1: was saying, if you have to try so hard to
Speaker 1: not be crazy, do you think you're actually crazy. I'm
Speaker 1: a fully crazy. What's your crazy? Because I'm crazy? I
Speaker 1: do that too, and it's mine is my temper. When
Speaker 1: I had to learn to like argue appropriately, which I
Speaker 1: didn't know was like a thing. Yeah, that's like you
Speaker 1: gotta learn that trial and error. Yeah. Like one time
Speaker 1: my boyfriend like was like I'm leaving. I'm and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, you're not, because I'm leaving, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: race it do and I like like pushed him aside,
Speaker 1: like like a like a really shitty like student athlete,
Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, because I'm leaving. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: then you're both like I really didn't want to leave,
Speaker 1: and like, yeah, that's what happened. When you're like I'm leaving,
Speaker 1: You're like, funk, where am I going to do? Nothing
Speaker 1: is over wins, Yeah exactly whoever gets the apartment? And
Speaker 1: then yeah, that's because you wants. Yeah. And then when
Speaker 1: whenever I've left and then come home like stormed back in,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you're just sitting here like living your
Speaker 1: life having fun, like you forgot about the fight. And
Speaker 1: I was like in the rain, like looking for something
Speaker 1: to do for five hours. Yeah, like it doesn't make
Speaker 1: any sense. Yeah, all go pretty far to prove a point. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll wait in the rain for a long time. Oh,
Speaker 1: I've done it. I've done Yeah. Are you like a stalker,
Speaker 1: because that's like myke my craziest, not anger, it's stalking.
Speaker 1: Like I waited outside and move theater because I knew
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend was seeing a movie with his new girlfriend. However,
Speaker 1: I thought it was in New York City and it
Speaker 1: was a New York State and that's not the same place. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I was there for a while. We're like, why
Speaker 1: is it? Is it a double is doing a double fature? What? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess I'll stay the mattenee, Like why is this
Speaker 1: taking until one o'clock in the morning? What were you
Speaker 1: going to do? She's like, kill them, just look at
Speaker 1: them real harsh. Yeah, were you gonna like were you
Speaker 1: gonna pull the move where you're like I'm pretending I'm walking, Like,
Speaker 1: oh wait, well I was standing post with my arms
Speaker 1: cross on the entire time, because you gotta be ready.
Speaker 1: You gotta be ready. It's true, you do you do.
Speaker 1: I think that that's really funny. I I wish that
Speaker 1: they were at that movie theater in the city, not
Speaker 1: in the state. Um, but I would love to know
Speaker 1: what you would like, what actually would have happened. That
Speaker 1: would have been really funny because it's like one of
Speaker 1: those things that you anticipate. You're like, I'm gonna stand
Speaker 1: with my arms cross and look at him, and then
Speaker 1: he would probably just come out of movies be like, hey,
Speaker 1: what's going on? Girl, Like just like keep walking and
Speaker 1: you're like, You're like I showed him, like he like
Speaker 1: saw me. You know, Well, that's something that's that's that's
Speaker 1: never going like, that's always gonna make you worse than
Speaker 1: any fear your striking right right right right right, Like
Speaker 1: it's always like just making me look like the worst person. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's freaky. What's the weird, like the worst thing you've
Speaker 1: ever done, the worst thing I've ever done, or like
Speaker 1: trying to think of stalking because I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: definitely I mean, there's definitely been times where I'm like,
Speaker 1: I've seen every Instagram picture a guy has ever posted. Accident,
Speaker 1: That's what I was getting at. But then he's gonna
Speaker 1: know that. It was like the feeling you get when
Speaker 1: you accidentally like somebody's Instagram picture that spread like three
Speaker 1: and seventy five weeks ago. You're like, You're like, I
Speaker 1: you want to fucking die, Like but like I did
Speaker 1: that once and I texted a guy, Hey, somebody hacked
Speaker 1: my Instagram, which made it even worse because it's like
Speaker 1: who would hack your Instagram and go back seven years
Speaker 1: on my pitch and like a picture like I think
Speaker 1: it was like a picture of us like back in
Speaker 1: the day. It's like like the first picture we ever
Speaker 1: took together down memory, Like it was like my thumb hurt,
Speaker 1: like I was scrolling so much, so I definitely did that.
Speaker 1: I think that that's what it is. The Internet is
Speaker 1: so fucking creepy, like you creep Like I'm like I
Speaker 1: know how you broke your arm like in third grade,
Speaker 1: Like I don't even like I know everything about whereases
Speaker 1: you to be a private investigator? But you are not.
Speaker 1: And to know I should be, though, every girl, I
Speaker 1: mean it's so good. I could I could be in
Speaker 1: the FBI. Have you ever snooped through it? Do you snoop?
Speaker 1: I snoop? I I have a reason to snoop. I'm
Speaker 1: not like an all the time snooper, but like if
Speaker 1: someone's being shady. I'm like, I'm going to investigate and
Speaker 1: to the bottle of shade um example of shade um. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I dated a guy. He was like away for
Speaker 1: a weekend and she was in Atlantic City, shady in
Speaker 1: Atlantic City, so exactly, and what do you go there for?
Speaker 1: Like I'm not stupid, So I'm like, exactly, yeah, gambling,
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, your crazy. So he went away and
Speaker 1: he like he was like I was like texting him,
Speaker 1: and he didn't answer me. We were dating for like
Speaker 1: eight months at this point, but he didn't answer me.
Speaker 1: We were like we were living together, like a real
Speaker 1: this is an actual relationship that I actually had, Like
Speaker 1: this is a real person that knew that he was
Speaker 1: my boyfriend, like fully like living under the same fentual boyfriend. Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah he knew, he knew. Yeah, he definitely knew. But
Speaker 1: he went away and I was like texting him. He
Speaker 1: didn't answer me, like he wasn't answering me. And then
Speaker 1: the next day he texts me, hey, um, I just
Speaker 1: got ice cream with my friends last night and then
Speaker 1: went to sleep, and I'm like, you fucked a hooker,
Speaker 1: Like that's definitely what happened, Like you fully fucked a hooker,
Speaker 1: Like nobody gets ice cream in Atlantic City, Like they
Speaker 1: don't even sell ice cream in Atlantic City, Like yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: like you're so busy eating ice cream until you fell asleep.
Speaker 1: Like eating ice cream such an adorably shitty it's sad.
Speaker 1: And that's when I was like, I'm like, first of all,
Speaker 1: if you're going to cheat, like put fucking thought into it,
Speaker 1: Like give me a real excuse. Like I got robbed.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, what, Oh my god, who robbed you?
Speaker 1: Like I'm gonna go visit him in jail, Like I
Speaker 1: was like, GE's so excited, but it's a full circle,
Speaker 1: like everything's happening for me, But get a better excuse.
Speaker 1: And he didn't give a good excuse. So I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm looking through this his phone. I need to look
Speaker 1: through his phone. And I looked through his phone and
Speaker 1: up somebody's moment. Really want to know what happened. It's
Speaker 1: just the phone and me. Yeah, oh God, when you're
Speaker 1: looking at you like I shouldn't, I should know it's
Speaker 1: like a fucking salivating fight. It's like you're starving in
Speaker 1: a desert. But it's like that, but I don't this.
Speaker 1: I never feel that you've never snooped. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm snoop dogg because I just know that I have
Speaker 1: such a poor outlook on life. But I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna find, Like that's what it is. Finding is worse
Speaker 1: than what I would ever find. So I never You
Speaker 1: don't know that for sure, though a lot of times
Speaker 1: when you find it's crazy. A lot of times when
Speaker 1: you find it is crazy. Like I've been like, I'm
Speaker 1: not even gonna find anything, Like I'm like ninja, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like, what's happening here? Um? But I was mad.
Speaker 1: And then so here's here's how I found out. So
Speaker 1: he like the next day, perfect timing, he had gotten home,
Speaker 1: Like the next that he had gotten home, he got
Speaker 1: a new phone, and he forgot that his old fucking
Speaker 1: phone was in the apartment, and so he left again.
Speaker 1: He was always leaving, by the way, Like I love
Speaker 1: that he was like in this story, like he's constantly leaving.
Speaker 1: Like he left again, and I was like, the phone's
Speaker 1: on the counter. He said, he went for ice cream.
Speaker 1: Make sure you're tested, Like something happened when he was
Speaker 1: getting ice cream, and yeah, and I went through his
Speaker 1: phone and I found out that he cheated on me
Speaker 1: while he was getting ice cream, so there was no
Speaker 1: ice cream. There was no ice might have figured that out,
Speaker 1: but none. I would have been would have been better
Speaker 1: if he was cheated. But they went to get ice cream. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because ice cream? Why are you lying about that? Like? Who?
Speaker 1: Like what made That's like a five year old lie.
Speaker 1: That's like a five year old kid would be like,
Speaker 1: I got ice cream and then I came home from school.
Speaker 1: It's like, you're a freaking idiot. I the one boyfriend
Speaker 1: that I snooped on. It was because I knew he
Speaker 1: was cheating on me, and then I he was and like,
Speaker 1: the girl ended up coming over to my apartment and
Speaker 1: he lived two floors above me. That's how I met him. Like,
Speaker 1: don't take a guy. And then he passed out drunk,
Speaker 1: and then the girl and I like went upstairs and
Speaker 1: be like and he woke up out of a I wanted.
Speaker 1: He told me he would do the podcast because he
Speaker 1: just moved back to New York, and I was like, please,
Speaker 1: because I want to know what he was thinking in
Speaker 1: that moment where he fell asleep drunk. Thought I was
Speaker 1: next to him and me and this chick show up.
Speaker 1: My god, what the fuck and he was like wow,
Speaker 1: he screamed, So that's so bad as it was so satisfying,
Speaker 1: but also like really hurt my heart. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: that's crushing, that's soul crushing. But like I'm glad I snoop,
Speaker 1: but snooping good. Snooping isn't good. But if you give
Speaker 1: me a reason to snoop, I'm gonna do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it. Just be honest with me, if
Speaker 1: you're honest with me, Like if I catch you in
Speaker 1: a line, I'm like, I'm gonna sucking go through all
Speaker 1: your ship. Yeah, because you're asking for it. Don't tell like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's crazy. Don't tell me you're going to get ice cream,
Speaker 1: Like you're in Atlantic City. That's so crazy. He actually
Speaker 1: in Atlantic City. Was in Atlantic City? Who lives in
Speaker 1: Atlantic City. Was another girl who was also okay, thank yeah,
Speaker 1: I couldn't feel like to be like I was fucking right.
Speaker 1: Oh it felt so good, But I did the ship
Speaker 1: where like this is what girls do like when they know,
Speaker 1: Like I knew that he had cheated at that point,
Speaker 1: so I called him right and I was like on
Speaker 1: his new phone when I had his old phone in
Speaker 1: my head on his old phone, like he's about to
Speaker 1: go down. Um. But I called him and I go,
Speaker 1: is there anything you want to tell me? Which is
Speaker 1: like every guy when any guy hears that, he's like,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna drop dead right here because there's nothing, Like,
Speaker 1: no matter what, she knows something, but I can't admit
Speaker 1: to it because then I'm going to end up admitting
Speaker 1: to some ship that she didn't know yet. So it's
Speaker 1: like they get all wacky. So I was like, is
Speaker 1: there anything you want to tell me? He's like no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no. And I'm like I was like, I'll forgive
Speaker 1: you if you just tell me like full blown lot.
Speaker 1: But I mean, yeah, it was a full lie. It
Speaker 1: was fully cheating. I don't think is the end off
Speaker 1: the all relationship, depending on the circumstances, but yeah. I mean,
Speaker 1: if someone told me they were going to get ice cream,
Speaker 1: you're asking to get breaking up. You might as well
Speaker 1: have just told me you hooked up with some I
Speaker 1: would have rather him told me he hooked up with somebody,
Speaker 1: then be like I got ice cream and fell asleep,
Speaker 1: Like you're gross. Yeah, So I was like, do you
Speaker 1: want to tell me anything? He said no, it's like,
Speaker 1: I'll forgive you. And then he was like he was
Speaker 1: like you, but he said he's like, you won't forgive me,
Speaker 1: and I was like true, and then he ended up
Speaker 1: still denying it, and I was like, I know this,
Speaker 1: I know this, I know this, I know this. But
Speaker 1: he's still to this day doesn't know how. I call
Speaker 1: him cheating. And he thought that I hired a private
Speaker 1: investigator and like still thinks that really still fully things
Speaker 1: that I hired a private investigator. I had no money, Like,
Speaker 1: how am I going to hire a private a private investigator?
Speaker 1: How dare you? I'm so smart, there's no other way.
Speaker 1: Statistic insane, right, dickhead, dick, I'm like, you're so stupid.
Speaker 1: You left your phone. I still have his phone? Are you?
Speaker 1: I still have his phone? It's like ten years later.
Speaker 1: It's in my nightstand. If you guys wanted it, like
Speaker 1: you can go through it. I don't care. Why do
Speaker 1: you keep it? Because I don't want to throw it
Speaker 1: away because I feel like, oh wait, it's not my phone.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. I was I'm afraid getting rid of
Speaker 1: a phone. So I'm like, somebody's gonna find it and
Speaker 1: like find like credit cardship, but it's not my phone,
Speaker 1: So I shouldn't you just realized give it to a
Speaker 1: homeless person. Clear it clear, like white it. I'll take
Speaker 1: a screen time of that text you have like a
Speaker 1: good men, but like then wipe it, yeah, and then
Speaker 1: give it a homeless person. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do with a charger though too, because but it's an
Speaker 1: old this was a long TYPEO. So it's like an
Speaker 1: old phone. Well they're homeless, so but do they have it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but if you're homeless, you have an outlet to like
Speaker 1: plug a phone in. True homeless people funk with Starbucks
Speaker 1: hard body. It's a real New York city that old phone.
Speaker 1: Then no phone. Yeah, same, I'm going to do with
Speaker 1: you guys. I don't know why I like didn't realize
Speaker 1: that it wasn't my phone. I thought you were just
Speaker 1: moving onto it. I don't feel like ten years I
Speaker 1: had no idea that it wasn't my phone. So like
Speaker 1: remind you so that of like all the mistakes you've made.
Speaker 1: Now I was going to say, to remind you that
Speaker 1: your instincts are right. Trust your instant. It's like framed,
Speaker 1: it's like, don't forget that time you were right, girl,
Speaker 1: you got to the Seattle box frame for Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's the memories. Oh my god, I'm doing that. I'm
Speaker 1: not giving it to a homeless person. That's cool, that's
Speaker 1: nice to be sarr Well, we we're I think we've
Speaker 1: done an hour, right, person, hasn't been an hour? You go,
Speaker 1: n seven? I haven't I phone everyone? Everyone died and
Speaker 1: the finger in the back. So did that guy ever
Speaker 1: give Did you ever find that guy's number or not? No? Okay,
Speaker 1: I just want to make sure you never probably save it.
Speaker 1: By the way, I'm a stalker, so I know this.
Speaker 1: It's probably saved on your Apple I DA, So if
Speaker 1: you type in his name, it's still going to come up.
Speaker 1: That is probably true. It's a true. We just see
Speaker 1: the whole audience take out their phones in Unison. It's
Speaker 1: true if you delete someone, because I do that all
Speaker 1: the time, and like, I hate him, I'm deleting him,
Speaker 1: and then the next day I'm like, I feel bad
Speaker 1: that I deleted him, and then he's still there. He's
Speaker 1: still there. She just doesn't want to give it in
Speaker 1: your there's his email email, Well, yeah, give it to me.
Speaker 1: After the show. We're gonna send a real email. It
Speaker 1: makes for great podcasting. I want to read it next
Speaker 1: week until tomorrow because will power. Um, where can we
Speaker 1: find you online? And feel like a lot of people
Speaker 1: already know this, but like, what's your Twitter handling? Ship?
Speaker 1: Might twitter my Twitter? Oh wait, I'm actually here tomorrow
Speaker 1: with Annie Ledderman and Jamie Lee. If you guys want
Speaker 1: to come, it's at nine thirty. UM. But all of
Speaker 1: my stuff as Carly Acquilino. I know my last name
Speaker 1: is fucking annoying because there's a que in it. It's
Speaker 1: a q U I l I know. But that's like Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter,
Speaker 1: all that ship. Hell yeah, yeah, awesome, Thank you so
Speaker 1: much guy, Thank you, Harley Tip you can game geway
Speaker 1: with it. Thought you'd have you fun. Now you want
Speaker 1: me back again, We'll trust me. That's the happening. That's
Speaker 1: it's tipe. You can game and get away with me
Speaker 1: so d moving. Now you want me back again, We'll
Speaker 1: trust me. That's the happening. Ya know what's hip? The
Speaker 1: skills you with Karen mor anything you needed it was
Speaker 1: saying no more. I wasn't ready for say lvy. I
Speaker 1: didn't say it's not you, it's me. You would you agree,
Speaker 1: but you know your lives like the MLB. Getting to
Speaker 1: the point. Friends say they don't remember me. That's might
Speaker 1: be cur shaw curve and me it's will the sex
Speaker 1: word of me. It's all the sex. You didn't show up.
Speaker 1: I knew what you're doing. Probably throw up. I feel
Speaker 1: ashamed now, fucking I feel ashamed. After all you put
Speaker 1: me through. I would always defend youful. I feel ashamed
Speaker 1: now fucking I feel ashamed, And so tell me you're
Speaker 1: not good. Don't believe it. If a good trust did,
Speaker 1: I feel ashamed. I'm just saying. If you sets back,
Speaker 1: but not in the someone's lap, turn the page on
Speaker 1: you now because I am grown. You're shutting No, you're
Speaker 1: shutting on. Not to type. You can't game and get
Speaker 1: away with me. Thought you'd have your fun. How you
Speaker 1: want me back again? Will trust me? That's not happen.
Speaker 1: That's it's like you can game and get away with me?
Speaker 1: You t do you move on? Now? You want me
Speaker 1: back