Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Cow she was a single
Speaker 1: mom hoping for a Christmas miracle? Hi, do you have
Speaker 1: time for charity? That he was a regular Joe trying
Speaker 1: to do the right thing, and this Christmas they're going
Speaker 1: to find love in the most magical place.
Speaker 2: How dare you teach my child about critical race theory?
Speaker 2: You are ruining America?
Speaker 1: Now, please calmed out.
Speaker 2: Don't tell me to calm down, you woke elitist. And
Speaker 2: why don't you take that mask off? Take it off
Speaker 2: and face me like a man.
Speaker 3: And keep it off. Looks like Santa came early this year.
Speaker 1: Now this holiday they'll both be learning CRT Christmas romance theory.
Speaker 3: You know, oat milk is more sustainable than almond milk.
Speaker 3: Shut your cup mouth and kiss me.
Speaker 1: But can two people who don't agree on history ever
Speaker 1: have a future?
Speaker 3: Does your sweater say happy Holidays?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's more inclusive.
Speaker 3: Never understood me or Christmas?
Speaker 1: Oh man, we're never going to end up together. Now
Speaker 1: this season, one man will have to put Christmas over reason.
Speaker 3: Since our last school board meeting, which was only this.
Speaker 1: Morning, you believe that so much has happened.
Speaker 4: I've learned that one thing is more important than teaching
Speaker 4: children about their.
Speaker 1: Own country's history. That one thing is love.
Speaker 3: So tonight the school board is now seeing that we
Speaker 3: are putting love back into.
Speaker 4: The curriculum and it will replaced all the lessons about slavery.
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, we're over ruling that. No, he doesn't
Speaker 1: have them having to do that.
Speaker 4: Why does he have a babble?
Speaker 1: This is a school board meeting. Don't miss the movie
Speaker 1: event of the season. I got you this to burn.
Speaker 4: Merry Christmas.
Speaker 5: Fascists a school board Christmas. He was a poll worker
Speaker 5: doing his part in a local election.
Speaker 3: No matter who you voted for, a democracy went shut up.
Speaker 1: She was a self appointed election monitor.
Speaker 3: He's harnessing ballot that's voter fraud.
Speaker 2: Salon mule, two thousand mules, two thousand mules.
Speaker 6: Hi Hi got what?
Speaker 4: Hi got?
Speaker 7: One?
Speaker 1: But when a mandatory recount brought them together.
Speaker 3: You can't take these votes, I kind of I can't.
Speaker 3: These are made of Chinese bamboo. You can't stool.
Speaker 1: But here underneath this randomly hungh missile time. Now this holiday,
Speaker 1: they'll both be learning how to steal each other is hard,
Speaker 1: But how can two people share a life together when
Speaker 1: they can't share a democracy.
Speaker 3: Christmas Town has a new mayor. It came down to
Speaker 3: one final ballot. In the final vote is for the Democrat.
Speaker 3: You rigged the election and ruined Christmas, Honey. Just because
Speaker 3: the Republican loss doesn't mean it was rigged.
Speaker 2: The only loss here is you losing me.
Speaker 3: Oh ma.
Speaker 1: This is really a low part in our story. When
Speaker 1: elections hopes are lost, sometimes all you need is a
Speaker 1: Christmas miracle.
Speaker 3: Get ready, boys, we're going in.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, you got room for one more patriot with
Speaker 1: this insurrection.
Speaker 3: You brought Zip times befo.
Speaker 1: We're going to do this. We're going to do it
Speaker 1: together this holiday season. Make sure you cast a vote
Speaker 1: for love. Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 8: It's almost time for Santa's trip around the world. And
Speaker 8: if you've ever wondered how he makes all those toys,
Speaker 8: well the answer is a bit disturbing.
Speaker 3: Merry Christmas.
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, may Merry Christmas.
Speaker 3: Wait, why are you so skinny?
Speaker 5: Oh? Oh?
Speaker 9: Zmpic, Santa's got a revenge body?
Speaker 8: Wait, hey, what happened all the toys?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Listen, Santa, we have to talk.
Speaker 7: There are no toys. We don't have any money left
Speaker 7: for toys money.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, we make the toys.
Speaker 8: Get a whole little trains and dolls we build from
Speaker 8: wood and dreams and lead based paint.
Speaker 7: This is in the eighteen twenties anymore, old man. Okay,
Speaker 7: kids want iPads and game consoles and roadblocks whatever that is,
Speaker 7: and we need to buy that shit. Okay, you can.
Speaker 7: I can hammer out ps five of this.
Speaker 8: Dude, what do you what do you say?
Speaker 7: I'm saying this workshop is a whole hopes. We've been
Speaker 7: borrowing money for seventy years to buy real toys that
Speaker 7: kids want, and now the bank is demanding repayment.
Speaker 1: Well, how much do we owe?
Speaker 8: Oh Jesus, holy shit, I'll have to sell my body.
Speaker 1: Okay, we don't have to go right to that.
Speaker 8: Okay, Okay, what if I kill myself for the insurance money?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 7: Maybe, if you're gonna do that, you might as well
Speaker 7: sell your body and then kill yourself. That way you
Speaker 7: can get toys in money.
Speaker 3: Jingle jingle, Nicholas, it's the bank.
Speaker 1: Shit, it's the bank rep That's how we have more time.
Speaker 8: But if the bank know where we live, all the
Speaker 8: male just so north hold.
Speaker 3: Chris Santa, just stopping by to see where our money is.
Speaker 1: Well, it's coming.
Speaker 3: Okay, it's coming.
Speaker 8: We just need a little more time.
Speaker 3: Oh do you do you need a little more time?
Speaker 1: Okay, this is my fault. We just don't have the money.
Speaker 10: Oh okay, no problem.
Speaker 3: That's what collateral's for.
Speaker 2: Repo the sleigh, turn this place into a cinebum and
Speaker 2: sell the elves to Apple.
Speaker 8: Listen, listen, missus bank. Please think of the children. You're
Speaker 8: gonna break their little hearts.
Speaker 5: Hey, what do we do with the.
Speaker 3: Shoot them sell them meat?
Speaker 1: Don't do that? Come on, what about the Christmas spirit?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 3: What's this?
Speaker 8: It's a list of which gift each good boy and
Speaker 8: girl is going to get this Christmas?
Speaker 10: Do you realize the insider trading we could do with
Speaker 10: this thing?
Speaker 8: Is that like super illegal?
Speaker 3: Like they would ever arrest a finance executive? How about this?
Speaker 10: You give me this list and I give you more
Speaker 10: time to get our money.
Speaker 1: Okay. Deal?
Speaker 5: And so Santa and as Mary Elf chopped up the
Speaker 5: body of their banking executive and fed it to the raindeer,
Speaker 5: and Christmas was saved until next year.
Speaker 1: But that's next Year's probably married Christmas to one.
Speaker 6: In all, it's officially the holiday season, a time for
Speaker 6: family to governess and cocktails with eggs for some reason.
Speaker 6: But you better enjoy it while it lasts. Ronnie Chang
Speaker 6: tells us why in another installment of everything is Stupid.
Speaker 7: Oh it's Christmas again. It's just another excuse for you
Speaker 7: people send me stupid pictures of your family. Oh great,
Speaker 7: another baby dressed as an elf.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 7: Thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now,
Speaker 7: thanks to all these stupid world leaders not giving a
Speaker 7: shit about climate change, everything you love about Christmas is
Speaker 7: going to disappear, starting with Christmas trees.
Speaker 11: This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you
Speaker 11: more than you've spent in the past. At this farm
Speaker 11: outside Los Angeles, the average tree costs around one hundred bucks. Nationwide,
Speaker 11: a fresh cut Christmas tree now averages seventy six dollars,
Speaker 11: double what it cost in two thousand and eight. Blame
Speaker 11: it on climate change. Rising temperatures, wildfires, and drought have
Speaker 11: all made farming more challenging.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's right, climate change is taking away Christmas trees.
Speaker 7: By twenty fifty, they're gonna be so expensive that the
Speaker 7: tree will be the present. Okay, how are you gonna
Speaker 7: trick kids into behaving that way. Listen, you better be
Speaker 7: good all year or you're not gonna get a Douglas
Speaker 7: fur for Christmas. Why do people want Christmas trees in
Speaker 7: their house anyway? All they do is shed pine needles
Speaker 7: all over the floor. If that's what you're into, just
Speaker 7: call me. I'll stab you in the foot for free right.
Speaker 7: And it's not just trees that are going away. Climate
Speaker 7: change is gonna kill Santa's transportation too.
Speaker 11: In our Eye on Earth series will take you to
Speaker 11: Santa's hometown in the North Pole, where climate change is
Speaker 11: threatening the reindeer population.
Speaker 4: The reindeer feed even through the winter on lichen, a
Speaker 4: mossy plant. They dig down through the snow to get at,
Speaker 4: except when all that thiwing and refreezing means they can't.
Speaker 4: And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to
Speaker 4: the rain.
Speaker 9: Day we have to feed them.
Speaker 7: You know things are bad when your entire species depends
Speaker 7: on a guy in weird Haday. I mean, what if
Speaker 7: you oversleep us one day? He'll be like, oh, sheet,
Speaker 7: my alarm didn't go off. Now I need to dig
Speaker 7: a mass reindeer grip. And this is a big problem, Okay,
Speaker 7: because without reindeer, how is Santa gonna get around. He's
Speaker 7: gonna have to hitchhike around the world, trading rides for
Speaker 7: hand jobs. Okay, but guess what. The climate crisis is
Speaker 7: coming for New Year's drinks too.
Speaker 11: Another popular consumer item that's expected to get a lot
Speaker 11: more expensive prosecco.
Speaker 2: Climate change is doing a number on the grapes that
Speaker 2: make the sparkling wine.
Speaker 9: Awlo Thomas Sellis says extreme weather is posing new challenges
Speaker 9: at his vineyard.
Speaker 10: Climate change is a big problem when it's such a
Speaker 10: very hot when it's raining a thrain very much.
Speaker 9: Prosecco, he explained, should have low alcohol and high acidity,
Speaker 9: but high temperatures in earlier ripening produce the opposite effect.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 7: Thanks to climate change, prosecco is going to cost more
Speaker 7: and taste worse. Although, to be fair, if you care
Speaker 7: about taste, you wouldn't be drinking prosecco. Okay, you peasants.
Speaker 7: Prosecco is the champagne that dropped out of high school. Okay,
Speaker 7: you know what My holiday drinker choice is good old
Speaker 7: fashioned rubbing alcohol. That's right. Show it'll make you go blind,
Speaker 7: but that's when the party really starts, so Happy New
Speaker 7: Year everyone. Spoiler the twenty twenty is gonna be worse.
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Speaker 8: Yew