Speaker 1: Welcome the guys. We find the anti slut shamings.
Speaker 2: Podcast that I'm Christina Hunting, I'm Karen Fisher and I'm yeah.
Speaker 1: Friends, bring us to lovey, your horning and your shame.
Speaker 3: Hey was what? Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay, talk about fucking.
Speaker 2: Greetings, fuckers, Happy twenty twenty four. How you doing where
Speaker 2: you've been? Wear a helmet? Where you see belt? Welcome
Speaker 2: new and brand new spanking episode. Guys, we fucked.
Speaker 4: It's the anti slut shaming podcast. I'm Karen Fisher, I'm
Speaker 4: Christina Hutchinson. Welcome to the show. So this is going
Speaker 4: to be a solo episode of me, Karen and Mikey.
Speaker 2: Uh. So before we get into it, let's get some
Speaker 2: dates up top. Okay, Yeah, so you've already been to
Speaker 2: Karen's New Years show. Great to see you. Hope you
Speaker 2: had fun, and then make it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very very true. I sold out. It was
Speaker 1: a huge smash.
Speaker 2: We're recording this early, so no idea, but I'm I'm
Speaker 2: pretty psychic, so I'm gonna say yes.
Speaker 1: Uh and then uh you could.
Speaker 2: See Karin and I performing together on the same stage
Speaker 2: in New York City Thursday, February first, at the MasterCard
Speaker 2: Midnight Theater for the very first Guys We Fucked Live
Speaker 2: in New York in twenty twenty four and then in
Speaker 2: Los Angeles on Valentine's Day February fourteenth, Credit and I
Speaker 2: are going to be doing Guys We Fucked the experience
Speaker 2: the live show at the Comedy Store.
Speaker 1: So you're gonna want to get tickets.
Speaker 2: Links to all those are in our bio and I'm
Speaker 2: headlining a couple of dates coming up. If you're listening
Speaker 2: to this the day it comes out, Tonight's New Brunswick,
Speaker 2: New Jersey, I'm at the Stress Factory headlining.
Speaker 1: Hopefully people come to that. Please come Wait.
Speaker 2: Once is my new podcast that I co host with
Speaker 2: Daniel Pinchback about Alien's Ghosts Psychedelics, and we're having our
Speaker 2: first kickoff show January twentieth, which is a Saturday at
Speaker 2: MCM Productions where we film the show. It's going to
Speaker 2: be a live show, live podcast with special guests John
Speaker 2: Ronson and I highly encourage we'd all have a ticket
Speaker 2: link yet maybe by the time you hear this, there
Speaker 2: will be check my bio, check the link tree bio
Speaker 2: at Christina Hutch But we really encourage people to buy tickets.
Speaker 2: Who have had experiences with those three categories, the afterlife,
Speaker 2: psychic powers of some sort. Have you seen UFOs? Have
Speaker 2: you been abducted? I want to fucking know. Okay, are
Speaker 2: you psychic? Let's go share it. And then Springfield, Missouri,
Speaker 2: April twenty seconds through the twenty third March March.
Speaker 1: What the fuck? What is going on with me? You
Speaker 1: don't have your own days? You know what it is?
Speaker 1: I haven't fucking ate since oh, eight thirty.
Speaker 2: Oh I'm starving. That's what it is, because I'm like,
Speaker 2: why am I dumb? I feel grounded? Springfieldmastery March twenty
Speaker 2: second and the twenty third, the Blue Room I'll be headlining.
Speaker 2: And then as always you can do You can sign
Speaker 2: up for my Patreon, Patreon, dot com slash Christina Hutchinson,
Speaker 2: where I do group sherapy over zoom. You know, it's
Speaker 2: the new year, baby, You got to get to that gym,
Speaker 2: you gotta get on those dating apps, you got to
Speaker 2: get into therapy, and you got up maybe participating in
Speaker 2: group sherapy. I'm not a licensed therapist, but I know
Speaker 2: a thing or two. Okay, these are really cool spaces,
Speaker 2: and I have a solo podcast called The Voices in
Speaker 2: our Heads. That comes out every single Monday, so wherever
Speaker 2: you listen to your podcast, so Baby and then.
Speaker 4: Washington, d C. You know about this one. But I'm
Speaker 4: headlining DC Comedy Law February twenty nine through March.
Speaker 1: Second.
Speaker 4: That's to get length already up and available. Also spoke
Speaker 4: to my agent. I will have a handful of cities
Speaker 4: that I'm coming to, some of that I haven't come
Speaker 4: to in quite some time in twenty twenty four, and
Speaker 4: I'll get you those dates ASP.
Speaker 1: It'll be a fun time.
Speaker 4: And of course, if you want to listen to my
Speaker 4: solo podcast, Without a Country, we do a nine non
Speaker 4: biased you know, look at the most important news stories
Speaker 4: of the week. I've you know, I always enjoyed doing
Speaker 4: that show, but I've really, really, really especially I've felt
Speaker 4: like got into a really good groove and I actually
Speaker 4: love doing it by myself. I know it might be seen,
Speaker 4: you know, seem difficult to do an unbiased news show
Speaker 4: by yourself, but I think I'm pretty good at looking
Speaker 4: thing at things in an unbiased way as far as
Speaker 4: like politics is concerned. So I've trained myself how to
Speaker 4: do that, how to look at a lot of news
Speaker 4: versus and that's kind of like the gifts that I
Speaker 4: want to give to you to be able to look
Speaker 4: at multiple news sources, multiple stories about the same political event,
Speaker 4: so that you you know, it's a lot of it
Speaker 4: is training and empathy, which is going to be helpful
Speaker 4: for you in every single walk of life and piece
Speaker 4: of your life and in relationships. Like really everything is
Speaker 4: incredibly intertwined, so it'll be especially fun. Mike Harrington and
Speaker 4: I have some good ideas for the twenty twenty four
Speaker 4: presidential elections, So it's always fun to cover a presidential
Speaker 4: election on air, and I look forward to doing that
Speaker 4: with you. You can listen on YouTube to Without a Country
Speaker 4: podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. Yay, all right,
Speaker 4: we've we've been on the edge of our seats to
Speaker 4: hear about your ayahuasca retreats that.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. Uh, you know what what?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 1: Fucking what?
Speaker 6: What?
Speaker 2: So krinn uh oh remember that time where justin Sylvia
Speaker 2: Silver called you and was like, hey, am a Christina's
Speaker 2: department I did she did mushrooms with a guy that
Speaker 2: she met in the e or she's crying and wants
Speaker 2: to kill herself.
Speaker 1: No, I do so.
Speaker 2: I vividly remember you help me too. And then you
Speaker 2: and Wendy came over and we ordered pizza, and I
Speaker 2: was like doing the best thing.
Speaker 4: A part that though about that though, was like you
Speaker 4: were so hungry that day for some reason, and you're
Speaker 4: never hungry, so you kept ordering takeout for us, and
Speaker 4: I was like, well, this is the silver lining of
Speaker 4: this situation.
Speaker 1: Food so much.
Speaker 7: Yeah, you left that suicide call stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, which, you know what, can't kill yourself if you're full,
Speaker 2: or at least it's harder.
Speaker 1: Maybe I don't know, maybe the pills won't be as potent,
Speaker 1: but uh so I kind of expected.
Speaker 2: And then I had a year following that that was
Speaker 2: just like I woke up weeping, which is not oh.
Speaker 1: God, I was waiting for a folk album, but woke up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so I I wanted to come into this. I I did.
Speaker 1: I watch guy. I tended to ceremony.
Speaker 2: I did it twice over the weekend with a shaman,
Speaker 2: a female shaman, which should always it should almost always
Speaker 2: be a female.
Speaker 1: That's if you're gonna do it. That was the first
Speaker 1: question I asked.
Speaker 4: This is not I got Christina, please tell me this
Speaker 4: is not some fucking dude.
Speaker 1: No, no, my god no.
Speaker 2: And also it's not really it's kind of looked down
Speaker 2: upon to do it in the United States because this
Speaker 2: is not where the indigenous place where this medicine kind
Speaker 2: of was from. So the medicine of ayahuasca is treated
Speaker 2: with great respect. And one thing that this weekend taught
Speaker 2: me is that respect for plants like respect for plant medicine,
Speaker 2: including tobacco and including marijuana. Because my god, the rituals
Speaker 2: around how we did this were really lovely, really lovely.
Speaker 2: But so I bring up that previous mushroom trip to
Speaker 2: say that, based off of everything I've heard about ayahuascar
Speaker 2: and seeing the Chelsea Handler docu series, I thought it
Speaker 2: was going to be some fucking a lot of em moting. Uh,
Speaker 2: but I got to say I was the chillest one there.
Speaker 2: I was fucking chill as hell. It was so nice
Speaker 2: to be the.
Speaker 1: Camm one, right.
Speaker 4: There was a lot of screaming from other people and
Speaker 4: crying and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah there was, and that
Speaker 4: there was other people that were chill.
Speaker 2: Everybody's experience with ayahuasca is different, and apparently it hits
Speaker 2: you differently every.
Speaker 1: Time, and usually with drugs.
Speaker 2: I dive deep. I do too many of the drugs.
Speaker 2: I do all the drugs I do like I do,
Speaker 2: I don't like. I really wanted to curb my relationship
Speaker 2: with substances, and it was one of the reasons why
Speaker 2: I wanted to do the ayahuasca. And when we got there,
Speaker 2: there was one drug, sorry medicine excuse me, in an
Speaker 2: email and the welcome email that was that was kind
Speaker 2: of pitched to us called combo.
Speaker 1: It's kamboh.
Speaker 2: This this substance, this medicine is amazing. I didn't take
Speaker 2: it because I go, We're just going to do the ayahuasca. Okay, Christina,
Speaker 2: I just give me want one. I don't want to
Speaker 2: do all these things. I don't want to put all
Speaker 2: these things in my body. I just want one thing.
Speaker 2: And there was an option to take a second cup
Speaker 2: of the ayahuasca about a couple hours into the ceremony
Speaker 2: each night, and I didn't. I was like, I just
Speaker 2: want to do one. So yeah, and we didn't eat,
Speaker 2: like you couldn't eat. I'm like, this sucks. And one
Speaker 2: thing about eating, like I get angry, but like my
Speaker 2: brain just goes obviously. I'm just I'm staring at words
Speaker 2: and reading the wrong words for the last two hours
Speaker 2: because I'm starving. But my experience was really, really gentle.
Speaker 2: And I've been told that you don't. We all have
Speaker 2: buckets for throwing up. Oh I thought this was you
Speaker 2: made an emotional bucket. No, well you have a literal bucket. O. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So the purging is a big part of it.
Speaker 2: But she said you could purge, you could take a ship,
Speaker 2: you could fart, you could.
Speaker 1: Yawn, you cry in the bucket, no, no, no, if
Speaker 1: you shit in the toilet.
Speaker 2: But saying like that, the purge could happen, Yes, okay,
Speaker 2: And the most common is throwing up.
Speaker 1: So that's why everybody had the bucket.
Speaker 2: I threw up twice both times, and the first night
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm really excited. I met the people there.
Speaker 2: There were lovely people. Yeah, God, they were fucking just
Speaker 2: so sweet and so lovely and lovely. And so I
Speaker 2: was starving because I couldn't eat. I ate breakfast and then.
Speaker 1: As little food as I eat.
Speaker 2: If I don't eat, if I don't like grays and
Speaker 2: I eat like a bird, but I just eat a
Speaker 2: little bit all the time. If I don't do that,
Speaker 2: I'm like, nah, so I was a little hungry. But
Speaker 2: the ayahuasca number one I was warned that it tasted terrible.
Speaker 2: I fucking loved the taste. Tasted like molet. Maybe it
Speaker 2: was because I was hungry, but we drank it. We
Speaker 2: each got at the same time. We went around talked
Speaker 2: about our intentions and my intention for this for the
Speaker 2: ceremony I got from Anne Marie, who we've heard on
Speaker 2: Guys We Fucked previously. She is sat with ayahuasca many times,
Speaker 2: and so she posed this idea for an attention and
Speaker 2: I was like, that really makes sense. I don't know
Speaker 2: if I talked about it last time we recorded, but uh,
Speaker 2: how can I serve the medicine?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 2: And I was like, I fucking love that because it's
Speaker 2: not about me. I don't want it to be about me.
Speaker 2: I just if there's some like breakthrough I have to
Speaker 2: or a memory I have to look at, or something
Speaker 2: I have to chosel through. Great, if that's something that's
Speaker 2: the best, then I'll do it. But if not, like,
Speaker 2: how can I be of help? So that was my intention.
Speaker 1: When you say how can I serve the medicine?
Speaker 4: Do you like there's the medicine representative of like humanity
Speaker 4: or the medicine has.
Speaker 1: A like a spirit to it. It's a mother, it's
Speaker 1: a motherly spirit.
Speaker 2: And apparently when a lot of people that have said
Speaker 2: that they will see visuals like you hallucinate, I did
Speaker 2: not hallucinate at all. But they saw mother ayahuasca as
Speaker 2: like an insect type of thing, like some type of like.
Speaker 1: You know, freaking well, not freaking a bad way, but
Speaker 1: just like a like psychedelic insect or something, okay.
Speaker 2: And I didn't see. I didn't visualize. I didn't see anything.
Speaker 2: But we were all in our yoga mats in the
Speaker 2: room and there was candles lit. There was only like
Speaker 2: one candlelight, so was super dark, which you.
Speaker 1: Were vomiting inside.
Speaker 4: That's what I was, because it was like because we
Speaker 4: were thinking like if it's cold, okay, cold as hell? Yes,
Speaker 4: I was allowed to say where it was, yeah, yeah, matter,
Speaker 4: and so yes, we each had like her.
Speaker 2: So the the woman who was a shaman had her daughter,
Speaker 2: her daughter. She lives with her partner and her daughter
Speaker 2: who was so cute, Oh my gosh, she was so cute.
Speaker 2: But it was her little Halloween buckets that we're all
Speaker 2: vomiting her oh, she's fine, but she like over the years,
Speaker 2: collected over the years. So we ought and about I
Speaker 2: don't know, I couldn't keep track of time. I really
Speaker 2: enjoyed not having my phone on me. That was fucking awesome.
Speaker 2: I didn't know what time it was. Yeah, I loved
Speaker 2: that all the food, like a lot of us brang
Speaker 2: brought food, it had to be organic, no meat, not
Speaker 2: necessarily vegan, but it had to be organic. And so
Speaker 2: I really also it made me appreciate what I put
Speaker 2: in my body, Like in terms of food, you're like,
Speaker 2: oh damn, I mindlessly shove shit in my mouth that
Speaker 2: that is just full of sugar. Like it's just so
Speaker 2: detrimental to you, to your emotional wellbeing and your physical
Speaker 2: well being. So I really appreciated that part. So when
Speaker 2: we did the ayahuasca, you just kind of you drink
Speaker 2: it and then you just wait, and she said, don't
Speaker 2: purge before ten minutes, like really try to keep it
Speaker 2: down so they can do its thing. And I was
Speaker 2: told that it kind of like scans your body. You know,
Speaker 2: this is all metaphorically, but presumably like scans your body
Speaker 2: and then if you have emotional blockages, whatever is supposed
Speaker 2: to happen. Whatever spirits you're supposed to have, you have,
Speaker 2: and so mine was just chill as hell. I was
Speaker 2: having fun and the shop high.
Speaker 1: Not really I could. It was hard to tell because
Speaker 1: it was so dark in the room and I was
Speaker 1: so hungry, oh that the hunger was really bugging me.
Speaker 1: So it was hard to tell. I couldn't tell. But
Speaker 1: I think I was. I was. I just couldn't.
Speaker 2: It was just gentle. It wasn't intense. But then so
Speaker 2: we all did one cup. Some people did too.
Speaker 1: Oh but before that, Jesus Christ.
Speaker 2: One of the reasons why I had a kind of
Speaker 2: profound respect and education for plant medicine this weekend was
Speaker 2: because I forget what the name of this eye drop
Speaker 2: is called, but this is their eye drops that indigenous
Speaker 2: hunters used to use.
Speaker 1: I don't know where they got the drop.
Speaker 2: I don't know how they Maybe they didn't put it
Speaker 2: in their eye, but it was some kind of natural
Speaker 2: plant medicine that you put in your eye and she goes.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I administer this or I offer it to people
Speaker 2: after the ayahuasca, sometimes before today. I'm gonna offer it
Speaker 2: before and I was like, what does it do? She's
Speaker 2: like it grounds you. It grounds you and you're able
Speaker 2: to see more clearly, and you're and I was like okay,
Speaker 2: and she goes, it's a little spicy.
Speaker 1: And I was like, it's always going to put something
Speaker 1: spicy in your eye. Yeah, I was like okay.
Speaker 2: So then she starts going around to anybody who wants
Speaker 2: you didn't have to do it, but the one of
Speaker 2: the g So there was four or sorry eight participants
Speaker 2: like me going there to do the ayauasca to have
Speaker 2: an experience, to set the intentions, and then there were
Speaker 2: four sitters, but they all did the ayahuasca. Everybody did.
Speaker 2: I'm like, they nobody in here that's not doing the ayahuasca.
Speaker 1: I would have felt the same way. That would have
Speaker 1: made me uncomfortable. Yeah it did.
Speaker 2: But after experiencing the weekend, I'm like, Okay, I guess
Speaker 2: that's just how it's like. It almost is like, well,
Speaker 2: maybe it's disrespectful to not do it or something like
Speaker 2: That's kind of what I gathered by the other weekend.
Speaker 1: Okay. And so the spicy little eye drops, I forget
Speaker 1: what they're called. When I tell you, Oh no, Christina.
Speaker 2: First of all, I felt my eye was like bothering
Speaker 2: me a little bit on the drive up, and I
Speaker 2: was like, oh, whatever, And I have eye problems. I
Speaker 2: have very Jewish eye problems, like Jewish stomach and Jewish eyes,
Speaker 2: and I get stop a lot. And I felt like
Speaker 2: something kind of bubbling in my eye and I was
Speaker 2: like whatever, and it did it.
Speaker 1: It seemed minor, but who knows. So I had the
Speaker 1: spicy eye drops. Oh dear.
Speaker 2: I was like, this isn't a good sign if this
Speaker 2: is the first thing I'm doing, and this is this
Speaker 2: is the first reaction I'm having to this whole fucking night.
Speaker 1: I don't know that I like this, but whatever, you
Speaker 1: gotta surrender and just fucking forget about it. I screamed, motherfuck,
Speaker 1: Oh God help me, motherfucker. And not only that, I
Speaker 1: was lying down on my back on the yoga mat.
Speaker 2: I somehow managed to fully flip over onto my stomach.
Speaker 1: I don't know how. I don't know how I did it,
Speaker 1: and I started crap. It hurt. The pain is going
Speaker 1: to be felt in future lifetimes for me. I mean,
Speaker 1: I it was awful. It was awful.
Speaker 2: I'll never fucking do it again. I got angry that
Speaker 2: it hurt that bad. It would make me lose trust
Speaker 2: for the person running.
Speaker 1: I gotta be honest.
Speaker 2: It did, but then it was regained because I did
Speaker 2: I did get a stye in my eye. So my
Speaker 2: eye like had this huge like it looked like a
Speaker 2: welt in it. Yeah right now, yeah, but you could
Speaker 2: kind of tell you see here this is where it was.
Speaker 1: A little bit, just so it did heal, Okay, did heal?
Speaker 2: And and perhaps with that because usually a sty if
Speaker 2: I don't get antibiotic eye drops in it, it lasts
Speaker 2: for five days for sure, So I could it's possible
Speaker 2: to credit this medicine with with healing, with the healing
Speaker 2: of it, and like the progression of like let's just
Speaker 2: get this stye out of your eye, because it was
Speaker 2: Berlin before the medicine. Okay, all right, but it hurts
Speaker 2: so bad.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 4: And then what was the shaman's reaction? Was that like
Speaker 4: a reaction that she had seen before.
Speaker 2: I didn't ask, I'm assuming no, Uh well, I was
Speaker 2: like based on her reaction, Yeah, yeah, well she well
Speaker 2: she had to go around and like give it to
Speaker 2: everybody else. So the sitters that were there were like
Speaker 2: kept giving me tissues my nose. It was just I
Speaker 2: was expelling stuff, and I was crying because it fucking
Speaker 2: freaked me out, Like I have, sure nobody likes their
Speaker 2: eye getting touched. But the one of the things that
Speaker 2: sold me on these eye drops were how they are ministered.
Speaker 2: Is you close your eyes, I'm gonna I'm gonna drop
Speaker 2: three drops on the corners.
Speaker 1: Of your eyes and then you blink. And I was like, sold, motherfucker,
Speaker 1: I'll do that.
Speaker 7: I don't.
Speaker 1: I won't do the hole in my eye open for
Speaker 1: an eye drop.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I'll do it when I'm ministering the eyedrop, but
Speaker 2: I want somebody else's And so I did that, and
Speaker 2: it was It wasn't good.
Speaker 1: So what you're saying is you didn't seem more clearly
Speaker 1: after that, No, not at all. Saw worse, saw way worse.
Speaker 1: Uh fucking sucked. It fucking was awful. And I was
Speaker 1: so terrible traumatized. Honestly, it was like traumatizing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I haven't pictured my head of exactly how you're
Speaker 4: reacting to this, and I go, wow, you are correct,
Speaker 4: Wow wow wow.
Speaker 2: Okay, So then that takes about fifteen minutes for me
Speaker 2: to fucking calm down, and then we all get the ayahuasca.
Speaker 2: We say our intentions. We have a she has I'm
Speaker 2: sure I know that there are names for these objects
Speaker 2: that I'm about to describe. I just don't know what
Speaker 2: these names are. But she had a turtle shell on
Speaker 2: a stick with feathers coming out of it, you know, yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: And and we all went around, we shook it, we
Speaker 2: set our attention, you know, and then we took the
Speaker 2: ayahuasca and it was beautiful.
Speaker 1: It was like a t et for us. It was
Speaker 1: like a little uh yeah.
Speaker 2: So it was brewing when we got into the house,
Speaker 2: and you could smell it and it's it smelled kind
Speaker 2: of gnarly. But then when you got it in the cup,
Speaker 2: it just looked like syrup, okay, like with grains in it,
Speaker 2: like grainy syrup, like dirt, and so it tasted fine,
Speaker 2: and I was like sick. And then we waited and
Speaker 2: then we threw I threw up and I was like, okay, cool,
Speaker 2: Like how long after maybe like twenty minutes. I think
Speaker 2: the ceremony probably lasted like for five hours, and we
Speaker 2: started at eight pm, so it was like it was
Speaker 2: a late late night. And you know, when I'm tired,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't want to be here. I don't
Speaker 2: want to do this, but I was good. It was
Speaker 2: stay good and I felt good. I just felt I
Speaker 2: was more so observing everybody. So I'm like, oh, this
Speaker 2: person's crying and probably getting something out, and this person
Speaker 2: is doing this, and this person's dancing and.
Speaker 1: That's really cool.
Speaker 2: And so the next day we did an integration, but
Speaker 2: we talked about experience.
Speaker 1: What are you meaning for five out? Like are you
Speaker 1: just sitting sitting there?
Speaker 7: Oh?
Speaker 2: And so another important part was the shaman and a
Speaker 2: lot of the sitters are singers and musicians, so they
Speaker 2: played music.
Speaker 1: They had drums there, they had a guitar. Gorgeous singers. Okay,
Speaker 1: they're good. Yeah, yeah, imagine sucks.
Speaker 4: Prisoner by ayahuasca and then also mad like a struggling
Speaker 4: folk artist.
Speaker 1: Guys by my EP it's coming out next.
Speaker 2: Year, dude, I fucking I fucking Bailuh.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So it was about five hours. She asked if people
Speaker 2: wanted a second cup in the midway. I didn't want
Speaker 2: one because I was feeling it and I was like,
Speaker 2: I also also.
Speaker 1: Have a little nauseous. I'm like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: I don't want to take more.
Speaker 2: And then there was this thing called uh who it's
Speaker 2: not hookah, it's if you know what I'm talking about,
Speaker 2: youre probably screaming it into your into your phone. But
Speaker 2: it's a it's an ancient it's a tobacco, and it's
Speaker 2: something that it's But she's she sprung this on us,
Speaker 2: Gotta be honest. She sprung this on us in the
Speaker 2: middle of the ceremony. And I'm like, nah, girl, I
Speaker 2: need an advanced notice on these drugs or this medicine that.
Speaker 1: You're because you're already have something in your system.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so yeah, I don't want to make that decision
Speaker 2: exactly under the influence basically, I know it's medicine, but still,
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, Unfortunately, I was not like carried away
Speaker 2: by ayahuasca, but a lot of people were, And I'm like,
Speaker 2: how can they? Like I saw one of the can
Speaker 2: you sign a contract on ayahuasca? We did sign an NDA,
Speaker 2: not but yeah, not on it, not NDA, but like
Speaker 2: a I'm agreeing to do this on my own thing. No,
Speaker 2: I don't think you could. You shouldn't be able to.
Speaker 2: But and then so she it was hoopa, I think
Speaker 2: it was or something like that. Okay, something, So it
Speaker 2: was this beautiful like pipe, long pipe like that was
Speaker 2: C shaped and it was powder that she loaded into
Speaker 2: one end and she blew it into your nose, one
Speaker 2: of your nostrils as you blew through your mouth.
Speaker 1: Apparently it does all this stuff, but I did not
Speaker 1: experience that.
Speaker 4: I only other people. I said in my body. That's true,
Speaker 4: that's yes, that feels so invasive. Yeah, yeah it does.
Speaker 4: But the yeah, it feels like you know that thing
Speaker 4: where you suck up you can suck boggers out of
Speaker 4: your infant's nose.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, that's so disgusting. Maybe it was my baby.
Speaker 2: I would yeah, I was like, wouldn't bother I would
Speaker 2: do it to Alfred. So we had an integration section.
Speaker 2: The integration session the next day just talked about what
Speaker 2: we learned. And then in the middle of the day.
Speaker 2: So the woman who was the shaman, she was younger
Speaker 2: than me. I don't know how old, but I'm a
Speaker 2: guess she was younger than me. That's she's felt younger
Speaker 2: than me. Her partner, as I was pulling into the
Speaker 2: driveway at the start of the weekend, he was like
Speaker 2: limping to his car. Apparently he look the way he looked,
Speaker 2: and what he's describing. I'm like, oh shit, he has
Speaker 2: kidney stones. He's going he was on his way to
Speaker 2: the ar mother and he's like, there's a shooting pain
Speaker 2: in my lower He looked like shit, like I don't
Speaker 2: I didn't know. I've never met him before, but he
Speaker 2: looked like he was in a lot of pain. I
Speaker 2: was like, oh my god, it's terrible.
Speaker 4: I've been like shake a little Ayah wascon it works
Speaker 4: so good, buddy.
Speaker 1: Well, he went to the er.
Speaker 2: They took all these scans and stuff, they took all
Speaker 2: these tests what they didn't.
Speaker 1: Know what it was. And they sent him home and
Speaker 1: they were like, uh, sorry, and he's like, what the fuck,
Speaker 1: I'm in so much pain.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why I've done that a lot many times.
Speaker 2: So the combo, the cambo, I'm pronouncing it wrong.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's kambo though. Is how it's spelt. That I know
Speaker 2: is frog poison. So frog poison is yeah. And what
Speaker 2: you do is you're a love this part. You make
Speaker 2: two burns in the person's skins, and you wait for
Speaker 2: it to blister. And he put the frog person in
Speaker 2: the burn. You put the frog poison in the b
Speaker 2: What do you burning you with she used an incense stick.
Speaker 2: Oh okay, so basically a cigarette. Okay, yeah, because whatever, whatever,
Speaker 2: whatever works. And so when he got home the next day,
Speaker 2: which was the Saturday, he looked like he was in
Speaker 2: a lot of pain, and I asked him, like what what?
Speaker 2: I was like, do I want to do this cample
Speaker 2: thing apparently supposed to detox you of all the toxins
Speaker 2: in your body, all the heavy metals.
Speaker 1: And I was like, that seems very.
Speaker 2: Interesting, right, But then I was informed how it's administered
Speaker 2: and what it was.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, what if I have like a reaction
Speaker 1: that's not good? I don't know. Yeah, I just I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I wasn't. I didn't feel safe. So I said a
Speaker 1: lot of variables here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so but I asked, is it possible to
Speaker 2: like witness him get it? And she said yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2: They said, that's our kink. We have been waiting for
Speaker 2: a woman to come.
Speaker 1: And ask that.
Speaker 2: I took my vibrator when I taught you magic warm,
Speaker 2: which I was instructed to bring, well, I thought that
Speaker 2: was weird, but behold, there was a purpose.
Speaker 1: So I watched him.
Speaker 2: I watched her burn him his arms, and then two
Speaker 2: burn marks in his arms and then put the cambo
Speaker 2: in his the wound. Why too, I don't know, she said,
Speaker 2: sometimes people do tens like it's all very's just like
Speaker 2: she was trained multiple points of entry. Yeah, okay, and she.
Speaker 1: Was trained like she knew her shit. At first, I
Speaker 1: was like, are you full of shit?
Speaker 7: Right?
Speaker 2: But honestly I was like, I mean, I kept it
Speaker 2: to myself, but I was like, I don't know, man,
Speaker 2: some of this stuff doesn't rub me the right way.
Speaker 1: But as the weekend progress, I'm like, no, you know,
Speaker 1: you know your shit.
Speaker 2: So that's how you should kind of be going into
Speaker 2: any situation.
Speaker 1: For sure, It's new for me. I'm just blind. Trust.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So that was fun.
Speaker 2: But I watched him, and she said a lot of
Speaker 2: times the purging could be like violent in terms of
Speaker 2: like just the act of throat. You're gonna throw up
Speaker 2: and it's gonna to all the toxins are gonna be
Speaker 2: like drawn in. That is what it does because it's
Speaker 2: entering through a burn mark, it's going through all your
Speaker 2: lymph nodes, collecting all the toxins. And so his face
Speaker 2: swelled up. He was barfing for like anywhere between five
Speaker 2: and thirty minutes. That was about twenty and I watched him.
Speaker 2: I was like, this is really interesting. And then afterwards
Speaker 2: he looked like a million fucking books and he said
Speaker 2: the pain was gone. Wow, And I was like, well, god, damnay.
Speaker 2: I just saw that before my eyes, like he was
Speaker 2: in pain and then he just wasn't. And I find
Speaker 2: out it's all trained actors. It's like the hair stuff
Speaker 2: from Sweeney Todd where all the.
Speaker 1: H So that was really cool.
Speaker 2: And then the second ceremony that night happened, and I
Speaker 2: again was there's a lot of people like crying and
Speaker 2: you know, dealing with stuff.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of heavy stuff.
Speaker 2: Let's you know, we didn't no one who's like perfectly
Speaker 2: fine goes to do ayahuasca.
Speaker 4: Okay, So this I have to tell you this is
Speaker 4: just so funny because Chloe asked me, I was chloa
Speaker 4: branch like I was on I went in Chicago this
Speaker 4: weekend and she was asking about you, and she's liked.
Speaker 1: How's Christine. I was like, oh, christ she is doing great.
Speaker 4: And I was like, she's actually going on an ayahuasca
Speaker 4: retreat this weekend. And then Chloy goes, no one who's
Speaker 4: doing great is going on in Ayahuaska.
Speaker 1: Retreat And just the way she said it was just
Speaker 1: so fucking funny.
Speaker 2: It was very funny and there's definitely a lot of
Speaker 2: truth to that. Although I gotta say I did I
Speaker 2: am okay, so, which is nice. But I'm like, you
Speaker 2: know what, two psychics told me, I was molested as a.
Speaker 1: Kid, and then I did a fucking regression and then
Speaker 1: I was like there were memories, but I'm like, I
Speaker 1: still don't know.
Speaker 2: So I'm like, sure, maybe ayahuasca will make me deal
Speaker 2: with it if it's something that even has to be
Speaker 2: dealt with. Who if I can live blissfully ignorant to it,
Speaker 2: God bless right, right right, and so so yeah, I
Speaker 2: came to the second night and I was like, honestly,
Speaker 2: if I'm being real, honest, I want to get psychic powers.
Speaker 1: I just do. I want them.
Speaker 2: I apparently already have them, but I want more of them,
Speaker 2: not more, I want them ream like that is an
Speaker 2: effect that can happen. You get really psychic and you
Speaker 2: get really whatever in ayahuasca. Yeah, so the spirit of
Speaker 2: the medicine like works with you and can and can
Speaker 2: really a lot of people have reported who didn't ask
Speaker 2: for this, reported like being super psychic and having like
Speaker 2: wild lucid dreaming abilities and all this stuff. So I
Speaker 2: was like, well you had me at that, okay. So
Speaker 2: I was like, if I'm going to pick an attention,
Speaker 2: whatever needs to happen, happens. But if I'm gonna pick, like,
Speaker 2: give me psychic powers and you eat.
Speaker 1: Between the ceremonies, right are you? So right after the
Speaker 1: ceremonies in the middle of the night, I just fucking stuffed
Speaker 1: my face. Yes, and you're allowed to okay, You're allowed to, okay,
Speaker 1: whatever you want.
Speaker 2: And I went like a fucking a stoner at an
Speaker 2: old country buffet. I mean, Jesus Christ, I hate so
Speaker 2: much food. And then I got a stomach ache.
Speaker 1: But so then the next day we couldn't too.
Speaker 2: We had a cap to eating at too, so that
Speaker 2: by the time the ceremony came at eight o'clock, we
Speaker 2: were like, you know, not full, and so yeah, I
Speaker 2: was like I really lost my powers.
Speaker 1: But I'm also like here to.
Speaker 2: Serve you too, so if that's better, just looking whatever
Speaker 2: you gotta do, girl, whatever you want to do. And
Speaker 2: it was another really gentle experience. I was laughing and
Speaker 2: there's one point so a lot of people were crying and.
Speaker 1: Are you conversing with each other? Are kind of staying.
Speaker 2: You're on your side and you can't touch each other,
Speaker 2: you can't talk to each other, you can't like you are,
Speaker 2: you're not allowed.
Speaker 1: We're experiencing.
Speaker 2: It's an individual experience together interesting, which I really liked that.
Speaker 2: And one of the sitters the second night, like we
Speaker 2: all opened up about like our ship that was happening
Speaker 2: in our lives, or like what our trauma is because
Speaker 2: we all obviously had it and.
Speaker 1: Some of the stories.
Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, damn that. You are a strong motherfucker.
Speaker 2: One of the sitters shared a story about his life
Speaker 2: that I was like, you are a pretty fucking fantastic
Speaker 2: human being. And then that night at the ceremony, during
Speaker 2: the ahuasca, even though he was a sitter, you can't
Speaker 2: tell how this drug is, whether the drug's going to
Speaker 2: do to you, right, of course, because I was asking
Speaker 2: the sitters, I'm like, wait, you're all on ayahuasca, so
Speaker 2: like what if you are bawling? Yeah, do we come
Speaker 2: for you?
Speaker 1: Like what's up?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's enough of us here that that's not gonna
Speaker 2: happen okay, and they were lovely. The sitters were just
Speaker 2: lovely people that I really felt a nice connection with.
Speaker 2: But one of the sitters that second night had like
Speaker 2: a moment. But I saw him grieve for a story
Speaker 2: that he had shared where he acted like the asshole
Speaker 2: and he was really ashamed of that. And then I
Speaker 2: watched him, I heard him during the ceremony. I was like, whoa,
Speaker 2: this is really interesting, like he is going through it.
Speaker 2: And at the end, we closed it with a fire
Speaker 2: ceremony where we talked about the thing we wanted to
Speaker 2: let go and we threw these herbs into the fire.
Speaker 2: It was so beautiful, and he said, he goes, I
Speaker 2: feel like I, in a way was able to somewhat
Speaker 2: karmically repay the person that I fucked over by what
Speaker 2: I just experienced, because I felt all the shame and
Speaker 2: all the anger and it wasn't a beating myself up.
Speaker 1: It was like, no, no, you need to fucking feel this.
Speaker 2: And I was like, that's pretty much exactly my interpretation
Speaker 2: based off here and in.
Speaker 1: Seeing you, Whoa, it was really cool.
Speaker 2: It was really cool and you didn't and you didn't
Speaker 2: feel like I know, you don't often feel this as
Speaker 2: much as I do. But like you know, like when
Speaker 2: I go to concerts are like ruined for me because
Speaker 2: other people are going through shit like you. So with
Speaker 2: people going through things this heavy around you, you didn't
Speaker 2: feel like that like energy got on you. Only because
Speaker 2: these people didn't suck. If these people sucked, I wouldn't
Speaker 2: have wanted to take in their grief or their you know,
Speaker 2: like they were but you said, but you felt like
Speaker 2: you were taking it in, but it was okay, or
Speaker 2: you feel like it they it was just it was
Speaker 2: just in the room. I didn't take it on in
Speaker 2: any way. I didn't feel bad for them. I was
Speaker 2: excited for them. I was honestly like, this is going
Speaker 2: to be so sick for you because that year that
Speaker 2: I was crying, like scream crying every day, That's what
Speaker 2: was happening to them. But in like a short period
Speaker 2: of time, and I'm like, oh, I just raw dogged
Speaker 2: the release without drugs, but they're using drugs to help facilitate.
Speaker 2: There was this one, Oh God, this this daughter and
Speaker 2: her father came and they were they had done the
Speaker 2: ceremony before, and they were.
Speaker 1: The sweetest, sweetest, sweet sweetest, sweetest people.
Speaker 2: And and she shared, they shared that there was a narcissist,
Speaker 2: her mother was a narcissist, and that's all.
Speaker 1: That's all. But like I I was so shocked because
Speaker 1: they were so nice.
Speaker 2: I couldn't believe that this man who was married presumably
Speaker 2: and this woman who was raised by this woman that's true,
Speaker 2: but they like, they were so nice that I'm like,
Speaker 2: there was like next level And it wasn't fake.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like they were just genuinely like the sweetest.
Speaker 1: They were so sweet that I just wanted to protect them.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: It wasn't in a pathetic way. It wasn't an act,
Speaker 2: it wasn't a what. It was just like, oh, good
Speaker 2: for this world, Yes, exactly, That's exactly how I felt
Speaker 2: about that. And they had great sense of humor or whatever.
Speaker 2: But you know, and then her dad at a tough
Speaker 2: time one of the ceremonies, but it was it was
Speaker 2: beautiful because I was like the people that had a
Speaker 2: tough time, I was like, man, you're gonna feel it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was so good after this, So the second ceremony,
Speaker 2: I definitely got like a higher feeling, but I was
Speaker 2: still like just I was just fucking dancing and I
Speaker 2: had a scarf on me, and I felt I felt bad.
Speaker 1: I was smiling so big.
Speaker 2: I was so happy, and I felt I didn't feel
Speaker 2: bad about being happy as people were like, oh god fuck,
Speaker 2: oh no, you know sure, I didn't feel bad. It
Speaker 2: didn't feel weird, to be honest, but I felt like
Speaker 2: I want to be respectful. So for some reason in
Speaker 2: that moment, I just covered my eyes with my scarf
Speaker 2: and I was just dancing, sitting down with a fucking
Speaker 2: giant smile. And I heard one of the sitters at
Speaker 2: one point go yo look at Christina like hell yeah, girl.
Speaker 1: I was just having the best time, the best time.
Speaker 2: And then when the fire ceremony happened, we talked about
Speaker 2: what we wanted to let go, and I wrote about
Speaker 2: She's like, you know the shaan, and was like, I
Speaker 2: really encourage you. This is not public speaking, this is vulnerability.
Speaker 2: So I really encourage you to be as vulnerable as
Speaker 2: you feel comfortable with what you want to say you
Speaker 2: want to let go, Like, don't just say like I
Speaker 2: want to let go this and then throw.
Speaker 1: It like really try to like hmm. And so it
Speaker 1: was beautiful.
Speaker 2: That's where that guy who was the sitter had talked
Speaker 2: about like he felt like he actually paid karma through
Speaker 2: this ayahuasca setting because he the person that he had
Speaker 2: really fucked over that he felt so much shame about
Speaker 2: he like felt her emotions.
Speaker 1: And I was like, that's beautiful, That's just beautiful.
Speaker 2: And then I talked about I wanted to like go
Speaker 2: my rage, and I talked about, like, you know, a
Speaker 2: parent using suicide as a manipulation tactic and not knowing
Speaker 2: and feeling so bad for them and like heart broken
Speaker 2: over their sadness, only to realize that they were manipulating you.
Speaker 2: It's just like such a mind fuck. Obviously a person
Speaker 2: that does that has a deep sadness. It's just not
Speaker 2: what I thought it was. So and I really I
Speaker 2: I haven't talked about this in a minute, because I
Speaker 2: used to talk about it all fucking goddamn day to
Speaker 2: anybody would listen, including strangers.
Speaker 1: But just like my mom did this, and then she
Speaker 1: did this, and then.
Speaker 2: She did this, and it's like I made it my
Speaker 2: identity and it wasn't cute, but.
Speaker 1: That was part of my healing process. But I kind
Speaker 1: of was like one of the things I wrote that
Speaker 1: I I was like, should I read this out loud?
Speaker 2: And people like they don't want to hear the ship,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, nah, I listen to everybody.
Speaker 1: I love it very fucking Like.
Speaker 2: Every time I had a moment in my life that
Speaker 2: was a coming of age moment that signified my growth,
Speaker 2: she robbed me losing my virginity. She robbed me of
Speaker 2: how that it wasn't like the person I was seeing
Speaker 2: wasn't that wasn't a good time, but that like she
Speaker 2: completely tainted all of these seem like experiences that could
Speaker 2: be beautiful for me. And I know that came from
Speaker 2: a place of pain, So that's I don't blame her
Speaker 2: at all for that, but like, also, fuck you you.
Speaker 1: Know what I mean? Forgive people for stealing your joy?
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, totally, And then when they don't acknowledge it,
Speaker 2: and when you tell them you stole my joy in
Speaker 2: these moments and they're like, well, I'm sorry, yeah, like what, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know. So I think that's where a lot of
Speaker 2: my rage stems from. Is that and then having a
Speaker 2: father with a massive temper, massive temper between that and
Speaker 2: then having a mother who like try to either take
Speaker 2: her own life or completely literally leave me in a
Speaker 2: Walmart or leave me in a restaurant when I'm too
Speaker 2: young to drive and I can't fucking get around anywhere.
Speaker 2: It's like, dude, you want it to be you wanted
Speaker 2: the parent you wanted to be, was so not the
Speaker 2: parent that you were. And partly it was because you
Speaker 2: couldn't even fucking come to terms with what you did.
Speaker 1: Because that could, honestly, and I still think this could
Speaker 1: heal everything.
Speaker 2: Ma, if you're listening, is just actually apologizing and like
Speaker 2: recognizing that I fucked up, which I have heard from her,
Speaker 2: but still in like there's still defensiveness, and there should
Speaker 2: be no defensiveness in an apology. And as somebody who
Speaker 2: gets defensive because I never want to hurt anybody, so
Speaker 2: when I do, I just feel so ashamed.
Speaker 1: You just got to fucking get over it. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's I can say.
Speaker 2: That's a problem with an apology because you have to
Speaker 2: then like admit to yourself how much you hurt somebody. Yes,
Speaker 2: and that's really difficult for some people.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: And that male sitter who was going through that thing,
Speaker 2: he he he had, Yeah, he was saying that he
Speaker 2: he had attributed his tough feelings he was experiencing to
Speaker 2: this one person that was hurting him, when really he
Speaker 2: was using that person as a distraction because the person
Speaker 2: before this he hurt and he didn't want to look
Speaker 2: at that, so he was just preoccupied with him being abused.
Speaker 1: In a like a relationship.
Speaker 2: I'm like, that's very interesting, and also like, what a man. Oh,
Speaker 2: I love this guy. This guy fucking ruled. He was
Speaker 2: just a beautiful soul, as were everybody there. They're really
Speaker 2: lovely and so yeah, so I talked about the rage
Speaker 2: and I wanted to throw that away and that felt
Speaker 2: great and then yeah, and then the next day I
Speaker 2: was ready to get the fuck out of there, and
Speaker 2: I had to leave early, so I left earlier than
Speaker 2: everybody else. But I was like, I'm kind of glad
Speaker 2: that that happened the way that it was.
Speaker 1: Like, it's happening another integration session.
Speaker 2: Oh, and I went first and I had to leave
Speaker 2: before before it ended, which I loved.
Speaker 1: Hearing everybody's stories. I just like, and it was really
Speaker 1: cool to.
Speaker 2: Watch a lot of the women in the room were
Speaker 2: mothers and to watch them talk about their children, and
Speaker 2: to watch this one girl's dad they were there together.
Speaker 1: He was the sweetest dad.
Speaker 2: Oh fucking fuck, this man was so sweet, and it
Speaker 2: was very healing to watch a dad be sweet to
Speaker 2: his daughter. And it was also very healing to watch
Speaker 2: these women talk about their children in this beautiful way.
Speaker 2: And of course I don't know the extent of their relationships,
Speaker 2: but like, I don't even know what they share with me,
Speaker 2: but it was really lovely and she's great. And then
Speaker 2: I think that one of the very tiny things that
Speaker 2: I took away that I'd shared in one of the
Speaker 2: integration sessions, I thought it was interesting, but it was
Speaker 2: so little. But I'm like, I have a feeling that
Speaker 2: the benefits of doing the ayahuasca are going to emerge
Speaker 2: over time, not as going to be an immediate thing,
Speaker 2: which is great because that's yeah, I love immediate gratification
Speaker 2: and this is not that, which is fantastic for me.
Speaker 2: But the second night when I threw up, I didn't
Speaker 2: dawn on me until I was throwing up the second time.
Speaker 2: But when I was a kid, I would always puke always,
Speaker 2: like I would go to the er a lot as.
Speaker 1: A child, I was violently vomiting, and that to stick
Speaker 1: I vs me nearly that was a big thing for me.
Speaker 6: Too.
Speaker 1: I was a big vomitter. I vomited in.
Speaker 2: Clothing stores, restaurants, my grandparents anniversary part.
Speaker 1: Did you ever figure out what was wrong?
Speaker 2: I just always know nothing. I don't think anything was wrong.
Speaker 2: I think I was just my It was just my
Speaker 2: body's way.
Speaker 4: And to this day, my body's way of expelling things
Speaker 4: that needn't be inside it is vomiting.
Speaker 1: So yeah, simple as that.
Speaker 2: I realized when I look back at my childhood with
Speaker 2: all the vomiting, I'm like, that's what that was.
Speaker 4: That was just details. I always looked at emotions. So
Speaker 4: I loved it because it's almost like I always thought
Speaker 4: of it. Well, I mean when I was little, I
Speaker 4: didn't think about it this way, but now as an adult,
Speaker 4: I always think about it as it's like my body's
Speaker 4: way of advocating for itself. Like when like just the
Speaker 4: same way as like me, the person Carenn knows when
Speaker 4: to get people away, even I have. It's almost like
Speaker 4: I have my even my actual physical body knows how
Speaker 4: to do that, and I'm always like.
Speaker 1: Go you body. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Vomiting is a really important part of like the purging
Speaker 2: process with toxins, like when you drink too much and
Speaker 2: you vomit, that's your body going.
Speaker 1: You just poison me. And I'm just I know things
Speaker 1: I don't want to immediately vomit. Yeah, it comes up
Speaker 1: so fast for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
Speaker 2: When I vomited during that second ceremony, I realize that
Speaker 2: every time my whole life up until that point, every
Speaker 2: single time I've ever thrown.
Speaker 1: Up, which is a lot of times. It's a lot
Speaker 1: of times.
Speaker 2: When I went to Penn State, I would just drink
Speaker 2: on an empty stomach and just hug and hug the toy.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I was always so miserable.
Speaker 2: I was always like, oh, just so hyperbolically miserable, right right,
Speaker 2: Like it didn't call for that type of misery. Food
Speaker 2: poisoning kind of does, but like a lot of the
Speaker 2: vomiting I did, like when I was a kid, I
Speaker 2: don't think that was food poisoning, who knows, but like, uh,
Speaker 2: you know, I just was always miserable. I was always like, oh,
Speaker 2: very Stephen about it, No friend, Stephen, but uh. And
Speaker 2: I was like, I was in such a great mood
Speaker 2: during that ceremony, which struck me additionally too, because I
Speaker 2: was so fucking hungry that I'm it's hard for me
Speaker 2: to be in a good move when I'm hungry. But
Speaker 2: I was so giddy and I was like, oh shit,
Speaker 2: we're gonna purge and it's gonna beautiful and it's gonna
Speaker 2: be amazing.
Speaker 1: And my inner voice was so nice, and I was like,
Speaker 1: as I was throwing up, I was like, yeah, girl,
Speaker 1: you got this, like fucking throw up. Yes.
Speaker 2: And I was like, I've never been in a good
Speaker 2: mood while vomiting in my life ever. Yeah, And I
Speaker 2: was in such a good mood as I was thrown up.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, oh my god, I'm in
Speaker 1: a good mood while I'm pugan. That's kind of cool.
Speaker 2: So I think the value in this ayahuasca thing, at
Speaker 2: least the more immediate value that I can I can gather,
Speaker 2: is the is that it was a very gentle experience.
Speaker 2: And I think that because my own mother was traumatized
Speaker 2: at the point whether she raised me and it really
Speaker 2: traumatized me, I think that maybe the mother spirit in
Speaker 2: ayahuasca was like, we're just be nice to you. We're
Speaker 2: gonna hold you, and you need a mother energy that
Speaker 2: is kind and caring and not too invasive and gentle
Speaker 2: and just lets you be yourself. I was like, well,
Speaker 2: fucking a, and I think that I've noticed things. I
Speaker 2: don't know if it's like a like this could all
Speaker 2: be like a placebo effect. However, I've kind of noticed
Speaker 2: my thought process in the last two days. I mean,
Speaker 2: so you're listening to this a lot later, we're recording
Speaker 2: this kind of right after it happened. But my thought process,
Speaker 2: I'm actually finally thinking of long term consequences, which was
Speaker 2: a real bad thing that I was fucking me up
Speaker 2: for a long time.
Speaker 1: That's where addiction's stem. Sorry, what do you mean? What
Speaker 1: do you mean?
Speaker 2: So like not like the things that I do immediately
Speaker 2: if they feel good, but they fuck me up in
Speaker 2: the long run, So like eating really sugary foods, not
Speaker 2: having like a good healthy diet and exercise regiment.
Speaker 1: Like sometimes I'm on with it, sometimes I'm off.
Speaker 2: But like drugs just like fucking doing drugs, adderall smoking,
Speaker 2: all this stuff, like and also like how I treat people,
Speaker 2: just everything, It's like it all has it all adds
Speaker 2: up to these long.
Speaker 1: Term consequences of like am I the person that I
Speaker 1: want to be?
Speaker 2: And so I feel like and I know that a
Speaker 2: lot of times, the body keeps the score. Besil Vanderkol,
Speaker 2: who wrote that book, certainly talked about this. When you
Speaker 2: experience a lot of trauma as a child, your long
Speaker 2: term the long term part of your brain that does
Speaker 2: the long term thinking of like, well, this'd be good
Speaker 2: for me later on is fucking shot. You can, of
Speaker 2: course regain it back through a lot of work in therapy,
Speaker 2: but that's one of the things that goes when you're traumatized.
Speaker 2: So that's why you can make decisions like you're a
Speaker 2: fucking teenager and you're like, I'm never gonna die because
Speaker 2: you don't. The part in your brain that is like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's intervene here and actually do a little checking to
Speaker 2: see if this is what you want to be doing
Speaker 2: is virtually dead.
Speaker 1: And that's one of the things that you recovered during therapy.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so I feel like I could be making
Speaker 1: this up, but it kind of it does kind of
Speaker 1: feel like I have more thoughtfulness in that realm. It
Speaker 1: was really cool. I do I recommend it not for everybody,
Speaker 1: but I had a great experence. Was very gentle.
Speaker 2: I was so excited to not be wilding out, and
Speaker 2: at the same time I wasn't like relieved not to be.
Speaker 1: Like, oh thank god, I'm not the one fucking crying
Speaker 1: and screaming. It wasn't like that at all. It's like,
Speaker 1: this is nice to be calm, This is just nice.
Speaker 1: Oh there you go.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I definitely I'll do it one time in my life.
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm just because for me, it's like the
Speaker 4: hesitation is I'm never scared for what's gonna come out
Speaker 4: of me. I'm always petrified for what's gonna come out
Speaker 4: of other people.
Speaker 2: And I'm like really choosing to be like because I
Speaker 2: don't like because I don't know what they're gonna do,
Speaker 2: and like I saw, I just have like this distrust
Speaker 2: of like how they're going to react and then how
Speaker 2: that's gonna somehow affect me.
Speaker 1: Like I'm not scared of anything that's hidden in me.
Speaker 2: I'm scared of everything that's hidden and not hidden in others.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, I see what you're saying.
Speaker 4: And also just like finding someone that I feel comfortable
Speaker 4: being vulne and it's not like it's not about like
Speaker 4: that I need someone to feel comfortable about being emotionally
Speaker 4: vulnerable about because I actually find it very It's easy
Speaker 4: to be vulnerable emotionally around other people.
Speaker 1: It's literally what we do for a living.
Speaker 4: I find it easier to be emotionally vulnerable around people
Speaker 4: I don't know than people I do know. In fact, yes,
Speaker 4: I agree, So the stranger aspect is great, but I'm like,
Speaker 4: for me, it's more like the uh to feel like
Speaker 4: physically safe, like if something went wrong, like if this
Speaker 4: affects me wrong, Like can I trust these people around
Speaker 4: me to like fucking calm on nine to one one
Speaker 4: and like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yah, yeah, get me to safety. Yeah, that kind
Speaker 1: of a thing. Absolutely.
Speaker 2: I don't I didn't look this up, but like I
Speaker 2: don't know if anybody's ever died doing it. I have
Speaker 2: no idea, Like I don't like, is there a situation
Speaker 2: that you would ever need to call?
Speaker 1: And I have, I don't know. It kind of drags me.
Speaker 4: I mean, like I didn't do research for ayahuasca, but
Speaker 4: I did, and it's research for this for DMT about dying.
Speaker 4: And it's like the those kind of psychedelic drugs have
Speaker 4: a extremely low rate, like especially the drug killing you.
Speaker 4: What you have to worry about is that you will
Speaker 4: react in way that you will put yourself in physical harm.
Speaker 2: Like jump up a roof, you know, try to you
Speaker 2: can't move like it's like, yeah, a couple of the
Speaker 2: people that were having a rougher time, like they needed
Speaker 2: help going to the bathroom, like they needed to be
Speaker 2: walked in.
Speaker 1: Through the bathroom.
Speaker 2: So you're not you ain't gonna do nothing that's gonna
Speaker 2: harm anybody, right, And it is very individual, Like you
Speaker 2: don't even though you're sitting very close on a yoga
Speaker 2: mat to somebody else, it's still very individual. Were you
Speaker 2: cold or hot or a bunch of blankets. I went
Speaker 2: through all the temperature changes. When they put those spicy
Speaker 2: ass eye drops in my eye, I took my shirt
Speaker 2: off and I was in my sports broad and I
Speaker 2: was like, fuck, it hurts so bad that I started
Speaker 2: profusely sweat.
Speaker 1: It was awful. That doesn't sound great, fucking awful, but
Speaker 1: but yeah it was.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: I was very trusting.
Speaker 2: I came in, uh, cautious in a healthy way, I think,
Speaker 2: And then I got to know the people, so that
Speaker 2: was nice, and they and they just happened to not suck.
Speaker 2: I cannot imagine that every group is like that. Ain't
Speaker 2: no fuck away every group statistically impossible.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and there was. There's a couple of men there
Speaker 1: and they were really lovely.
Speaker 2: The dad, of course was and he was emotional, and
Speaker 2: I just I just loved him so much. Oh my god,
Speaker 2: I love that man. And his daughter was so lovely.
Speaker 2: But then there were two other men there that was
Speaker 2: just great. They were very they didn't really talk much,
Speaker 2: very calming, very like. I'm like, okay, I liked I
Speaker 2: liked the energy. If there was someone there whose energy
Speaker 2: I didn't like, I don't want to fucking hear you cry.
Speaker 1: I don't know why, I just don't. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear your problems. Yeah, I don't want to hear you.
Speaker 1: But I will say that that the emoting that happens
Speaker 1: is like a healing thing. So I don't like.
Speaker 2: I don't know if anybody's ever got done ayahuasca and
Speaker 2: then being like gone on like a cursing rampage or something,
Speaker 2: or just started screaming like mean things or whatever. I'm
Speaker 2: sure it's happened, but like it's it's more people dealing
Speaker 2: with the pain inside.
Speaker 1: Of them, so and it wasn't.
Speaker 4: I feel like, if you don't like someone though like that,
Speaker 4: they probably need to heal the pain inside of them
Speaker 4: for sure, for sure, Perc and like I, I and
Speaker 4: I you know that was my that's my immediate instinct
Speaker 4: of like, I don't think I would like I just
Speaker 4: because I was so comfortable with everybody emoting and I
Speaker 4: didn't take it on in any way. It's because I
Speaker 4: like their goodness was so clear to me, and if
Speaker 4: their goodness wasn't clear to me, or maybe I thought
Speaker 4: they were like kind of motive or whatever, the fuck whatere,
Speaker 4: the fuck dumb shiit my ego was making up.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. I don't know how
Speaker 1: I would react to it.
Speaker 4: But there has to be like some piece of at
Speaker 4: least good intention that you have if you're going on
Speaker 4: a retreat like that, that you're interested in getting in
Speaker 4: healing or getting better.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 2: The only the only type of person I can imagine
Speaker 2: actually going to one of these retreats and fucking ruining
Speaker 2: it is like an influencer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the only fucking cunty that would ruin it.
Speaker 2: For everybody is a fucking influencer, right because and I Yeah,
Speaker 2: again the not having the phone, Yeah, fucking awesome.
Speaker 1: I love that part.
Speaker 4: And yeah, and it was actually not on your phone
Speaker 4: for like seventy two hours or no.
Speaker 1: We we got them back during the day Saturday, but
Speaker 1: they shed put them in a box, our phone in
Speaker 1: our car keys. Oh because sometimes people the market.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's like I know again, I was like,
Speaker 2: why why Marquis began? I was thinking of that, but
Speaker 2: but it's really like she's like, sometimes people are like
Speaker 2: so excited about like their revelations that they just want
Speaker 2: to leave, like oh no, no, no, so I and
Speaker 2: I and then she said, and actually we do a
Speaker 2: key party after.
Speaker 1: Who was cocaine? Yeah, it was.
Speaker 2: It was really cool. It was really cool. I it
Speaker 2: was cool. It was so subtle. It was so nice
Speaker 2: to have a subtle drug experience.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was.
Speaker 7: I was.
Speaker 2: I was definitely expecting a wilder story me too. So
Speaker 2: I got what I needed, you know, that's what you
Speaker 2: you know, Yeah, you get what you get what you need,
Speaker 2: not what you want.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, that's like really the model for life, the slogan
Speaker 4: for life. That's Michael, Like definitely not Michael one hundred
Speaker 4: percent never doing ayahuasca And that's no.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I could tell Michael, I.
Speaker 2: Never do it.
Speaker 1: Close minded. Not everybody has to do might have no interest.
Speaker 1: I mean, I have you got some fears though, of
Speaker 1: course I do. Oh yeah, maybe you could ask the
Speaker 1: mother spirit to make Mike fly, oh, fly like a
Speaker 1: Michael to the see.
Speaker 7: No, you're never gonna catch me doing ayahuascar.
Speaker 1: No we didn't think. I mean, I catch you outside
Speaker 1: not do an ayahuaska.
Speaker 7: Yeah, I'll be I'll be not doing ayahuasca.
Speaker 1: Yeah, watching a baseball game, Jesus.
Speaker 2: Dropping ship, ruining the ceremony dropping ship coffin and sneezing.
Speaker 2: And another thing that this evening was like, you know,
Speaker 2: substances has been you have been used since the beginning
Speaker 2: of time, like the second Man found like tobacco and
Speaker 2: altimately drink something into loom. And then we just didn't
Speaker 2: want to be rude, but we didn't really know what
Speaker 2: the guy was giving us. Remember in the forest, Oh,
Speaker 2: when I wore that sex bathing say that was way
Speaker 2: too sexy for the occasion.
Speaker 1: We're like, oh, better be drugged than.
Speaker 2: To be disrespectful to them forest man, that's true, and
Speaker 2: we all try out of the same cup. I remember,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I didn't care about this German since I
Speaker 2: was like, I just don't want to can I get
Speaker 2: my own cup?
Speaker 1: That was because we were on the brink of a pandemic,
Speaker 1: pandemic or no pandemic.
Speaker 4: I don't like sharing fucking again, that's you know, That's
Speaker 4: why I One of the thames I hate most about
Speaker 4: weed culture is the sharing of the joint.
Speaker 1: I find it disgusting. Technically, it is disgusting if you
Speaker 1: allow yourself to think about it, which you should I don't.
Speaker 3: But uh uh, Typically in ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru or
Speaker 3: in whatever, you do share the same cup because it's
Speaker 3: like a communal thing.
Speaker 1: But that we had, we had our own cups. Nice,
Speaker 1: but uh yeah.
Speaker 2: It also made me have an appreciation for substances, and
Speaker 2: with weed.
Speaker 1: I've been smoking weed a lot less, but I was like.
Speaker 2: Oh, whenever I smoke weed, I want to set an
Speaker 2: intention and not just fucking smoke weed. I feel like, yeah,
Speaker 2: like god, damn, with all the respect that we paid
Speaker 2: to these plant medicines, it really makes me realize how obnoxiously.
Speaker 1: Just lack of daisical we are.
Speaker 2: About the substances in our lives, Tobacco being one of them,
Speaker 2: cannabis being another one, and and alcohol and alcohol is
Speaker 2: a grain alcohol comes from a fermented grain. So it's like,
Speaker 2: you know, these people are using these substances to run.
Speaker 1: Right, and we're just so we're so abusing the beauty
Speaker 1: in these substances and actually completely missing out on the
Speaker 1: benefits and doing them too much America, right.
Speaker 2: So it made me like reappreciate weed and like tobacco.
Speaker 1: Like tobacco. I didn't realize tobacco was a very ancient
Speaker 1: like spiritual drug and part of the hookah, the whomb
Speaker 1: wherever the fucks.
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, I don't I don't remember the name
Speaker 2: of it, but uh, it was mostly tobacco power specific
Speaker 2: to type of tobacco leaf powder. But the people that
Speaker 2: I saw do do the do it, they really like
Speaker 2: they purged a lot right after. But they also were
Speaker 2: like describing like these beautiful effects from it. I'm like,
Speaker 2: fucking tobacco, man, we just fucking smoke a cigarette and
Speaker 2: the throat on the ground.
Speaker 1: It is so much disrespectful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it maybe be more respectful to the food
Speaker 2: I put in my body, but also the substances and
Speaker 2: how like they could be incredibly beautiful experiences if don't
Speaker 2: with respect research in the right setting and intention intention,
Speaker 2: So I will never again smoke marijuana without setting an
Speaker 2: intention about even if it's just I just want to
Speaker 2: connect to my child self.
Speaker 1: Like that's it. So that's my ayahuasca experience. It's pretty good.
Speaker 1: That's pretty good. Yeah, that sounds great. That sounds super pleasant.
Speaker 1: I liked it a lot. How are you good? I'm good.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I went to uh the witch witch store in Chicago,
Speaker 4: Mallaway Brothers, and I was like, of course, I was like, hmmm,
Speaker 4: I didn't I found out the actual brothers owned it,
Speaker 4: and I go, already, I already don't love it. Well,
Speaker 4: I like one of the things about which a witchcraft
Speaker 4: is well, usually both male and female witches are are
Speaker 4: just whiches.
Speaker 1: Warlock is more like derogatory.
Speaker 4: But like, uh yeah, like I just love how feminine
Speaker 4: of a religion wicka is. Like that's one of my
Speaker 4: favorite things about it, that it's super feminine, feminine led
Speaker 4: like a lot.
Speaker 2: Of the vyahuasca is very divine. Feminine is the whole
Speaker 2: fucking point of it.
Speaker 4: Even though there are you know, many men who practice
Speaker 4: uh wiko or magic whatever calling it yeah and so,
Speaker 4: and of course, so I asked the guy who worked there,
Speaker 4: like first of all, are these actual brothers? And he
Speaker 4: was like yeah, And I was like, okay, well I've
Speaker 4: seen I've seen some things in this store that I
Speaker 4: haven't seen.
Speaker 1: I was like, I've been to witchcraft.
Speaker 4: Stores all over America and Canada and I've never seen
Speaker 4: so many animal parts. Because that part, I was trying
Speaker 4: to be open minded because it was I would almost
Speaker 4: describe it as like a non denominational, uh, non mainstream
Speaker 4: religion store because there was a lot of like it
Speaker 4: was not just Wicco or in paganism. It was like
Speaker 4: there was elements for food.
Speaker 1: Voodoo. Kabala is still making.
Speaker 4: No no Vudah's actual religion that many people practice, but
Speaker 4: they do use like animal parts in it, so I
Speaker 4: can't be And it's also like it's it's yeah, it's
Speaker 4: I mean in New Orleans, it actually is a really
Speaker 4: big religion, but like a lot of times they are
Speaker 4: like you'll see like you know, dead chickens and stuff,
Speaker 4: and that's and so I'm just not going to partake
Speaker 4: in anything where we're making animal sacrifices, but sure it's
Speaker 4: part of it. Yeah, And so you know, I was
Speaker 4: trying to be non judgmental, but it's very hard for
Speaker 4: me when there's just like buckets of animal parts and
Speaker 4: like you know that they didn't just take the boar's
Speaker 4: nose off when the boar was dead anyway, like something,
Speaker 4: it wasn't roadkill first. Yeah, so you're just like, oh,
Speaker 4: there's a lot of animal parts in here.
Speaker 1: But I was like, okay, And then I mean, you
Speaker 1: can use.
Speaker 4: Animal parts in you know, wicked spells of I mean,
Speaker 4: I think it's all based on like how it makes
Speaker 4: you feel. So if you're it's something that makes you
Speaker 4: feel unomfortable, Like me, I'm never gonna incorporate an animal
Speaker 4: part into a spell or magic work because I just
Speaker 4: don't feel and I feel like when you like know
Speaker 4: about the foundation of I mean I could see using
Speaker 4: an animal part if the animal was dead anyway, for sure,
Speaker 4: because it's very into like using all the parts and
Speaker 4: like not wasting. But to me, to kill an animal, yeah,
Speaker 4: I just don't see, like to I don't know anyway.
Speaker 1: But I was like trying not to be judgmental.
Speaker 4: I was like, there's other things in here besides what
Speaker 4: you do, and most people think what you do is crazy,
Speaker 4: so that's fine.
Speaker 1: But then I asked the guy about.
Speaker 4: It, and he was like, yeah, the brothers, they just
Speaker 4: wanted a place where they could do the most hardcore stuff.
Speaker 2: And I was like, of course, but even men had
Speaker 2: a step into witchcraft and making.
Speaker 1: As possible. I was like, some things don't need to
Speaker 1: be hardcore. Yeah, but it made me laugh.
Speaker 4: It was a really it was a really one of
Speaker 4: the best stories I've been to. But I was like,
Speaker 4: I could have done without that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it was fun and we were we were
Speaker 2: with the guy the comic who was hosting UH for
Speaker 2: the weekend or a shout out Eric Freddie and I
Speaker 2: you know, most times you know a man who's not
Speaker 2: into that kind of thing, UH kills the vibe.
Speaker 1: But he was so great. Yeah, and he was so
Speaker 1: like sport.
Speaker 4: Interested and curious and not just respectful, didn't try to
Speaker 4: rush us because it wasn't something that he was into.
Speaker 1: Like me and Chloe were in there, We're doing spells, we're.
Speaker 2: Doing making bottles, we're taking I mean, we took our
Speaker 2: time good.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And he was like so nice the whole period time.
Speaker 4: So I was like, I was just like, this is
Speaker 4: just Eric Freddy, no no red flags, which is almost impossibility.
Speaker 4: I know, I told her, I said, I've been scanning
Speaker 4: you all weekend. I said, I've been looking for problems
Speaker 4: that are coming from me, quite honest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, going out of my way to find them. Yeah. Great,
Speaker 1: and I didn't. So that was lovely.
Speaker 4: But I mean that was kind of like the culmination,
Speaker 4: not the culmination, but it was. It was very on
Speaker 4: theme for all the things I've been working on this year,
Speaker 4: because like you know me, I love to produce. I
Speaker 4: love to you know, uh, have achievements. I love a
Speaker 4: certificate or an award. And I really didn't do anything this,
Speaker 4: you know, from the from an outspotsider's perspective, I probably
Speaker 4: made very little progress in my career or life this year.
Speaker 4: But internally, I feel like it was probably one of
Speaker 4: the most life changing years of.
Speaker 1: My life so far.
Speaker 4: On the inside, yeah better, I mean also, and I mean, listen,
Speaker 4: the year's not over yet, so I don't certainly don't
Speaker 4: want to jinx it, but like you know, also going
Speaker 4: off of what has was the worst year of my
Speaker 4: life so far, twenty twenty two, and listen, I'm sure
Speaker 4: there will be worse years and I'm ready for them.
Speaker 4: It was, you know, it did twenty twenty three didn't
Speaker 4: have to do that much to deliver. You know, the
Speaker 4: bar was well, the bar was extremely no relative deaths,
Speaker 4: yeahah yeah, but it was great because I set a
Speaker 4: lot of you know, intentions that you're talking about to
Speaker 4: you know, when I was trying to work on things,
Speaker 4: especially after my dad died, I wanted to work on
Speaker 4: things that weren't like achievement based in the human realm,
Speaker 4: you know, like not like you know, get this many
Speaker 4: views or do this special or get this job, like
Speaker 4: those things seemed kind of meaningly to be honest at
Speaker 4: that period. And I certainly didn't want to focus on
Speaker 4: relationships since I had just exited one, because I wasn't
Speaker 4: in a place to be going through that. So I
Speaker 4: had to find other, you know, ways to find achievement.
Speaker 4: And I did find that in like reconnecting with like,
Speaker 4: you know, Wicca basically that I had you know, always
Speaker 4: been interested in, but you know, since I was like
Speaker 4: a had placed on a bit of a shelf since
Speaker 4: I was in middle school or high school, and then
Speaker 4: to repick up something that I had a love for
Speaker 4: and a genuine love for as a child and reconnect
Speaker 4: with it and get really into it in a way
Speaker 4: that I you know, as an adult, that I can
Speaker 4: you know, grasp some of these concepts at a much
Speaker 4: higher level, have a much stronger intuition. You know, am
Speaker 4: an adult living on my own, so it can set
Speaker 4: things up in my house. Like it's been, it's been
Speaker 4: extremely gratifying in a way that I never expected.
Speaker 1: That's awesome.
Speaker 4: And also, I know, like a lot of people started,
Speaker 4: you know, reaching out to me about like you know,
Speaker 4: taro and witchcraft and advice, and I'm like, I will
Speaker 4: talk about it from time to time, but I gotta
Speaker 4: be honest, I'm not going to respond to any of
Speaker 4: those because it's like, really, I really needed one thing
Speaker 4: for me. And so there will be no wickup podcast.
Speaker 4: There's not going to be a live stream about WICCA.
Speaker 4: I'm not going to be giving my top ten recommendations
Speaker 4: for witchcraft, like you know.
Speaker 1: That is uty something for you. It's a really personal,
Speaker 1: you know thing.
Speaker 4: The more reason I talk about it more is just
Speaker 4: because it's been a big part of my year, and
Speaker 4: also I guess to take the stigma off of witchcraft
Speaker 4: a little bit, yeah, sure, But other than that, like yeah,
Speaker 4: I kind of like, you know, people ask me, can
Speaker 4: you do a tarot card reaing for me. No, I
Speaker 4: can't do any of these things because it's been that's
Speaker 4: when I think the most important thing. It's like there
Speaker 4: has to be something for me and something especially because
Speaker 4: one of my greatest joys, you know, writing and comedy,
Speaker 4: you know, became my career.
Speaker 1: So then I don't have a private hobby for me.
Speaker 2: And so it's almost like my exploration into you know,
Speaker 2: spirituality or casting or any of that kind of stuff
Speaker 2: that it's like my own thing for me.
Speaker 1: And I've also like even.
Speaker 4: Uh not gotten new friends, but like uh takeing front
Speaker 4: existing friendships to new levels because I feel like there's
Speaker 4: like an understanding between witches. It's been funny because I
Speaker 4: totally I see people like making fun of me about
Speaker 4: it online and I go, that's.
Speaker 1: Fine, Yeah, that's for your life, loser.
Speaker 4: That's been my whole life, you know, people attempting to
Speaker 4: make fun of me because I'm doing something weird, and
Speaker 4: it's like that's okay, yeah, that's your thing, my thing, Yeah.
Speaker 2: Which is dumb because weird it's so fun. I don't
Speaker 2: mind that's unique, but okay, you just don't get it. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's all good.
Speaker 1: You're just a loser. I don't even think that.
Speaker 4: I'm just like, you know, you don't get it. It's okay, Yeah,
Speaker 4: that's great. Michael thoughts on this year the thing intentions
Speaker 4: were setting for twenty twenty four.
Speaker 5: Weird tensions intentions for twenty twenty four primarily to take
Speaker 5: a little bit better care of my I guess narrowly,
Speaker 5: i'll say body like my health. Yeah, because yeah, I
Speaker 5: said the twenty twenty three was spent A lot of
Speaker 5: time was spent in a in you know, building the studio,
Speaker 5: so I.
Speaker 7: Neglected some part.
Speaker 5: But it's not Health is broader than just you know,
Speaker 5: like I wasn't gonna put like like any kind of
Speaker 5: like weight loss and get goal on it. I just
Speaker 5: like sure, I had a lot of moments this year
Speaker 5: where I really felt unhealthy, and it went beyond like
Speaker 5: feeling kind of heavier.
Speaker 7: It was more.
Speaker 5: Like like, all right, I'm thirty, I'm thirty four. Now
Speaker 5: I can't just like I can't do the things that
Speaker 5: I could do in my mid twenties. I have to
Speaker 5: I can't just like coast on being like I'm young.
Speaker 2: I can't just continuously go hard, not create it, take
Speaker 2: it harden to paint for that long exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, It's like it's like a real uh, just adjustment
Speaker 5: to just be like a lifestyle change as opposed to
Speaker 5: being like I'm gonna lose ten pounds at the onset.
Speaker 7: It's just like make sure I'm moving.
Speaker 5: My body and like going to the gym and don't
Speaker 5: have days where I'm like just sitting at my desk
Speaker 5: for eleven hours or like whatever.
Speaker 7: You know. So that's the big one.
Speaker 5: But overall, the other thing was that I think that
Speaker 5: I think twenty twenty three was definitely a year of growth.
Speaker 5: It was kind of a year where I definitely laid
Speaker 5: some groundwork, both personally and professionally, which is kind of
Speaker 5: a boring thing while it's happening, I think totally, it's
Speaker 5: not all that exciting.
Speaker 7: Yeah, you don't.
Speaker 1: See an immediate reward from it. Yeah, so I'm hoping
Speaker 1: I've been laying groundwork since twenty eighteen. Page.
Speaker 7: I know I've felt that alsime, but I don't know.
Speaker 5: I mean, like I think romantically, I had a very
Speaker 5: odd year, and that's the only way I can describe it.
Speaker 5: Not necessarily good, not really necessarily bad, just kind of
Speaker 5: like it's strange. You know what I mean, Like, like
Speaker 5: I felt like I really moved past like that relationship
Speaker 5: with lex and who well.
Speaker 1: Oh, I can't believe you said her name.
Speaker 7: Wow, I'm not saying it's a trash her.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 7: I felt like it's okay.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no, no, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 7: But like I felt like I moved past that. And
Speaker 7: then like that's incredible, got involved.
Speaker 5: With somebody who like broke my heart the this year
Speaker 5: it's just like it just the fucking the ship storm
Speaker 5: never ends. And then and but we we've had all
Speaker 5: these conversations about, you know, the last month, I guess,
Speaker 5: or maybe a little bit longer, we've had a lot
Speaker 5: of conversations about like men breaking up with women and
Speaker 5: kind of and I think a lot of that I
Speaker 5: feel uncomfortable saying it now, but like, like cryptically, some
Speaker 5: of that was me dealing with being with a person
Speaker 5: who I kind of wasn't one hundred percent sure about
Speaker 5: and had to I had to do that.
Speaker 2: So our podcast bullied you into doing the right thing.
Speaker 5: It's not that it bullied me. You know when when
Speaker 5: this happened, I felt very guilty about it, and I
Speaker 5: was texting you about it. Can just kind of saying like, man,
Speaker 5: I now this is really this is the gist of it.
Speaker 5: This is why men don't do this. Yeah, because this
Speaker 5: this is a person that I broke up with that
Speaker 5: didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I almost wish she was like a drunk or to totally.
Speaker 4: But I love it and I love that you said
Speaker 4: that to me because we had a conversation about like,
Speaker 4: you don't have to do something wrong, the butther person
Speaker 4: doesn't have to do something wrong, doesn't have to catch fire.
Speaker 7: Yeah, so this was the thing.
Speaker 5: I think that this was a kind of you know,
Speaker 5: this is something that happened towards like not too long ago,
Speaker 5: and I think that that has sort of springboarded me
Speaker 5: into thinking about twenty twenty four, like how to I
Speaker 5: just want to be in like a not that I
Speaker 5: don't think I'm like a nice, good person now, but
Speaker 5: I want to be. And truthfully, some of this has
Speaker 5: to do with we meant I think we mentioned it
Speaker 5: in another episode, but like we lost Kenny DeForest who
Speaker 5: as a comedian, and it does make you think somebody
Speaker 5: that that like dies tragically that young. The one thing
Speaker 5: I can kind of say about him, having not really
Speaker 5: known him very well, is that the community at large
Speaker 5: has nobody is a bad thing to say about the guy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and you know it makes you think, oh,
Speaker 2: how will I be remembered too?
Speaker 7: Exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, there's all this stuff now about this guy going
Speaker 5: he was an organ donor and he stayed five people
Speaker 5: with his organs.
Speaker 7: Like it's just like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, classic Kenny. So helping people after
Speaker 2: you die.
Speaker 5: I love that it puts you in the situation where like,
Speaker 5: like it's weird that I'm putting a breakup in with,
Speaker 5: you know, the loss of a of a peer.
Speaker 4: But.
Speaker 5: Losses yeah, well, and it's just like I feel like,
Speaker 5: you know, I feel like I handled that situation really
Speaker 5: well with this this girl that I this woman that
Speaker 5: I broke up with, and.
Speaker 1: You're saying, woman stricting yourself.
Speaker 7: I always try.
Speaker 5: She handled it with so much class and the way
Speaker 5: that I figured she would because she was, you know,
Speaker 5: so great.
Speaker 4: But that also means that you're read on people is
Speaker 4: getting better, right, because like how someone reacts when you
Speaker 4: break up with them is really I think, like really
Speaker 4: shows their character, right yeah.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, And then for me, like that was.
Speaker 4: What's like that was like definitely what was when I
Speaker 4: was reflecting and or really depressed over the Frank break
Speaker 4: up more than losing Frank, who wasn't I knew even
Speaker 4: the moment he broke up with me we weren't compatible.
Speaker 4: I knew before he broke up me to me that
Speaker 4: we weren't compatible long term. But I was like, you
Speaker 4: really need to reflect on why you reacted in the
Speaker 4: way that you did, because it was fucking crazy.
Speaker 5: Well, and this is the thing, So this was the
Speaker 5: first time that like, I got dumped by somebody that
Speaker 5: I really think that I fell in love with this year,
Speaker 5: even though we weren't together for very long, and obviously
Speaker 5: I was in a relationship with this person who I
Speaker 5: broke it off with. And I feel like I can
Speaker 5: really hold my head up high the way that it's
Speaker 5: just a sad thing.
Speaker 7: It had to happen right waste her time.
Speaker 5: Like I realized that it was like time to go,
Speaker 5: and I was as direct as possible with her, did
Speaker 5: it face to face. I looked her in the eye
Speaker 5: and loved her the uncomfortable bad news. I love all
Speaker 5: this because I have made respect for her and it
Speaker 5: was just idea.
Speaker 7: We didn't leave.
Speaker 5: We didn't end that night thinking that the door might
Speaker 5: still be open, Like the door could be open for
Speaker 5: us to be friends. I don't think she wants.
Speaker 4: That the door was closing. You let her know and
Speaker 4: then so it's like it's like it because it hurts
Speaker 4: in that.
Speaker 2: Moment more, but long term, the wound will heal so
Speaker 2: much faster exactly.
Speaker 5: Yeah, not like this fucking cowardly snake in the grass
Speaker 5: that that like just has run away from me basically
Speaker 5: kind of like leaves the door open.
Speaker 7: We have a I'm not going.
Speaker 1: To love cowardly snake in the grass. Yes, truth.
Speaker 4: As much as we heal on cast, we will still
Speaker 4: petty and that is part of the brand. And we're
Speaker 4: not trying to fix it. We're not trying to fix it.
Speaker 4: Maybe maybe accept it because we're enjoying it.
Speaker 5: I was bitching to Christina about this, like right before
Speaker 5: we started recording, and I was like, I was like,
Speaker 5: you know what, like maybe this is like to basically
Speaker 5: tie this all together. I do think this is sort
Speaker 5: of like a step into real adulthood, where.
Speaker 7: In the past where I've kind of a man broken
Speaker 7: it off.
Speaker 1: With do you feel like a man? Yeah, it's true,
Speaker 1: I would hope so at this point. Yeah, you've been
Speaker 1: through a lot, you know.
Speaker 5: But in the past I would I'd break it off.
Speaker 5: I had broken it off with women, and I've kind
Speaker 5: of like lied about why I didn't want to be
Speaker 5: with them when it was clearly just I wasn't that
Speaker 5: into I. I I've used like my own mental health
Speaker 5: as which I'm ashamed of now, as all the reason
Speaker 5: that I can't be with somebody.
Speaker 1: I've done it, but I was lying. I actually haven't
Speaker 1: done it. The one time I said it was.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right now, I said we all done it, And
Speaker 2: I've done it a lot as a lie. No, no,
Speaker 2: because I'm too fucking pussy to say the truth. And
Speaker 2: it's like that's disrespectable to me and to that person, right.
Speaker 5: So I'm like happy that even though that didn't go
Speaker 5: like like have a lot of legs, this was a
Speaker 5: really wonderful person that I feel like at least I
Speaker 5: I did them the proper service and showed them the
Speaker 5: proper respect, you know, And in a year where I
Speaker 5: don't feel like I have gotten that from a lot
Speaker 5: of other people, I just want to keep you know,
Speaker 5: That's what I want to do, and it's it's beyond
Speaker 5: just romantic relationships like twenty twenty four, I really want
Speaker 5: to like, I want to focus on doing the right
Speaker 5: thing and being as good of a person as I
Speaker 5: can be, because you know, I just don't want.
Speaker 7: It like hurts. It hurt.
Speaker 5: I feel bad when I don't feel like I've done
Speaker 5: the right thing. And at least once the dust settled
Speaker 5: with the ending of that relationship, now I feel like
Speaker 5: I did the right thing. I felt it felt weird
Speaker 5: for about a week because I was just like, like,
Speaker 5: it's weird that I'm not going to have this person
Speaker 5: in my life anymore.
Speaker 7: And she didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 5: It wasn't working for me, And like now I just
Speaker 5: feel like I think you've said it in the past,
Speaker 5: like given the gift of your time back, not wasting
Speaker 5: your time, not.
Speaker 1: Letting the careen remembran It's a beautiful gift.
Speaker 4: I've given a lot of my friends that talk about
Speaker 4: just give this person their life back to save them
Speaker 4: at back.
Speaker 5: That's that's my plan for twenty twenty four is to
Speaker 5: be healthy and live virtuously.
Speaker 2: Integrity, to live in your integrity, right, yeah, yeah, we're
Speaker 2: all living our truth.
Speaker 1: It feels really good to be in integrity.
Speaker 2: Even if it's like uncomfortable, it's still at the end
Speaker 2: of the day like still like, yeah, it s fel uncomfortable,
Speaker 2: but I also, deep down, not even that deep, no,
Speaker 2: it's the right thing to do.
Speaker 7: Yeah, And I.
Speaker 1: Can't put a christ tile on that. Baby. Guys, we've grown.
Speaker 1: Do you have an attention for twenty twenty four? I
Speaker 1: don't know, you know what.
Speaker 4: Honestly, I don't usually like I don't well, I don't
Speaker 4: like to set like big New Year's resolutions. But I
Speaker 4: also feel like, especially the second half of this year,
Speaker 4: like I think like once summer was on, because I
Speaker 4: was the year I woke up. I mean I was
Speaker 4: like just rock really really bad last year, and I
Speaker 4: remember waking up out it know, at three pm on
Speaker 4: New Year's Eve.
Speaker 1: I was like or whatever, wildly late time.
Speaker 4: I was staying in so I was just like sleeping
Speaker 4: to like, because twenty twenty two felt like it lasted forever.
Speaker 4: Every day felt like a century to get through. So
Speaker 4: I just started sleeping a lot just to make the
Speaker 4: fucking time past totally, because I was like, I fucking
Speaker 4: cannot do this anymore. And I just woke up on
Speaker 4: New Year's Eve and I was like, Corinne, this has
Speaker 4: to be over.
Speaker 1: Now. This you have to have.
Speaker 4: You don't have a choice, no matter what happens, you
Speaker 4: have to have a good twenty twenty three.
Speaker 2: And I went and I had an appointment, you know, at.
Speaker 1: The dry bar. Is that what it's?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah, dry bar to get well, not to
Speaker 4: get my hair braided, because I was like, I'm blow out.
Speaker 1: I can do my self.
Speaker 4: My hair is so straight, but I'm like I want yeah,
Speaker 4: you had like the two I wanted French braids, and
Speaker 4: I was like, we're just gonna do your hair. And
Speaker 4: I got a dressed and like I was, you know,
Speaker 4: at least I was starting at the point where I
Speaker 4: felt like, you know, had had done a lot of work.
Speaker 1: I did a lot of work on my.
Speaker 4: Physical health last year because I felt so terrible physically
Speaker 4: and so like I looked good, really good.
Speaker 1: On New Year's Eve, but I still wasn't feeling super good.
Speaker 4: Whereas this year, I look at it and I feel
Speaker 4: good and I put on my dress and I was like,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna have a great show and we're gonna have
Speaker 4: a great party.
Speaker 1: And it was great. It was probably one of my
Speaker 1: favorite New year's of all time.
Speaker 4: It was truly truly great, and I think it really
Speaker 4: set off the year amazingly.
Speaker 1: And then we went to the Avians.
Speaker 4: Which was super fun, and I went to Ireland, which
Speaker 4: I really enjoyed, Like I enjoyed it so much more
Speaker 4: than I expected.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: And so there was a lot of good things, but
Speaker 1: there was still like especially a lot of.
Speaker 4: Like like I I dated and fucked some of the lowest.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 4: I hit rock bottom with that dick with some of
Speaker 4: these guys. And this is not about one person, about
Speaker 4: multiple people, and but I need to I needed to
Speaker 4: like clean out my closet in that way totally. And
Speaker 4: it really actually was beautiful because it gave me a
Speaker 4: lot of clarity and I had a lot of like
Speaker 4: realizations about like what I need and what I'm looking
Speaker 4: for and uh yeah. And then so second part of
Speaker 4: the year just like very minimal, you know, if any,
Speaker 4: the sexual interactions and you know, and got really into
Speaker 4: the I just in a much better place.
Speaker 1: So I just want to kind of like keep writing.
Speaker 4: The spiritual wave that I am currently in, the groove
Speaker 4: that I'm in where I feel great and good and connected.
Speaker 4: Alfred and I this sounds crazy, but like I feel
Speaker 4: like I not that I'm a romantic relationship with it,
Speaker 4: but I feel like Alfred and I work on our
Speaker 4: relationship as like a as a I call him my
Speaker 4: best friend, not my son, so like as my best friend.
Speaker 1: And like even though he can't talk to me.
Speaker 4: Like, I know this is weird to say, but I
Speaker 4: feel like what people talk about in marriages, where they
Speaker 4: get to like newer and deeper levels of understanding with
Speaker 4: each other.
Speaker 1: I feel like me and Alfred do that. I understand that.
Speaker 4: And I feel like like just like we get to
Speaker 4: like we're just like in such like a fucking groove.
Speaker 2: We'll give each other a look, I'll know, like we
Speaker 2: we just get each other, Yeah, in a deep west.
Speaker 1: So rewarding to have that with an animal. Yeah.
Speaker 4: And I've had connections with and I mean me and
Speaker 4: Pinkerton very close, you know, you know, maybe notice that
Speaker 4: not more, but just like yeah, like you know, she
Speaker 4: was very intimately.
Speaker 1: It's weird that you know your roommate has it. That
Speaker 1: and I have typ of a bond as you do
Speaker 1: with you. Listen, Pankerton's one of my spirit guys.
Speaker 2: You know, he's no longer one with us I feel
Speaker 2: like he definitely is looking over me.
Speaker 1: He was so special.
Speaker 4: I always have a real deep you know, because even
Speaker 4: when I anytime I do like a spiritual thing or
Speaker 4: a regression, you know. I think some people see flower,
Speaker 4: I always see nature, and I always see animals, and
Speaker 4: I never see humans guiding me. Yeah, you know, it's
Speaker 4: always animals and nothing should you. It's not even necessarily animals,
Speaker 4: I know, you know, it's just animals. Like a lot
Speaker 4: of times, you know, my visions are kind of like, yeah,
Speaker 4: I don't even talking about because but but yeah, it's
Speaker 4: just very animal based always, and so yeah, I have
Speaker 4: this and I almost are the truth almost. Yeah, I
Speaker 4: feel like I was working on that a lot. And
Speaker 4: I also, you know, not only my own health was
Speaker 4: I working on. We were worked on Alfred's health for
Speaker 4: quite some time. Yeah, so that was, you know, at
Speaker 4: the forefront of my mind. And yeah, so keep like
Speaker 4: riding this same wave, especially you know, the second half
Speaker 4: of twenty twenty three wave into twenty twenty four, and
Speaker 4: to not so much think of it as a new year,
Speaker 4: but as a continuation of this, like I did, I like,
Speaker 4: for the first time in a long time, I don't
Speaker 4: need a fresh start for twenty twenty four, and it
Speaker 4: feels really good.
Speaker 1: I don't need a fresh start. I don't.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I can can just continue to look. I can
Speaker 4: look at January first as just kind of a continuation.
Speaker 4: And uh, I mean you know, I hope my career
Speaker 4: does better a fox with that.
Speaker 1: Hell yeah, girl, twenty twenty four would be our year,
Speaker 1: you know. But I'm very comfortable. That's good.
Speaker 4: That's great, that's good, and no matter what you know,
Speaker 4: but again, gonna be disappointed if it doesn't progress better.
Speaker 1: But that it's okay. I've learned how to deal with
Speaker 1: this appointment better. That's good. That's good. All right, guys,
Speaker 1: what a time, What a time, the time we've had. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what do you hear? I think four is gonna be
Speaker 1: all our ears? Wow?
Speaker 2: All I know that's a big thing to say. Zero
Speaker 2: zero deaths zero, No, definitely gonna be death.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well the thing is okay, can't avoid that.
Speaker 4: Just to touch on Kenny Diforest a little bit, because
Speaker 4: I mean, oh god, I.
Speaker 2: Uh, he has been all my mind. Yeah, since you
Speaker 2: texted me, Yeah, all day, all the time. I just
Speaker 2: I keep thinking about him, and I don't want to
Speaker 2: pretend like we were closer friends when we than we were,
Speaker 2: because I mean, what a what a comedian move, right, But.
Speaker 4: I think what we're seeing with Kenny is he's one
Speaker 4: of those people that made you us all feel really important,
Speaker 4: whether we had you know, a mile to whether we
Speaker 4: were or not. It's also like I've known him, so
Speaker 4: even though you know he wasn't my closest friends, I've
Speaker 4: also known him for like a decade at this point,
Speaker 4: one of the first people the same time in our
Speaker 4: class of comedians, right. And so yeah, I found myself
Speaker 4: crying multiple times over death, deeply deeply in Chicago.
Speaker 1: I mean that's because you where he was from.
Speaker 4: So I think I felt closer to him there, right,
Speaker 4: and I and I had also he had just moved
Speaker 4: back to New York, so I hadn't seen him in
Speaker 4: a long time. And then I had seen him multiple
Speaker 4: times literally a block away from me at a comedy
Speaker 4: show that happens down the street from my apartment, right,
Speaker 4: And so I had just had multiple interactions with him,
Speaker 4: and that always like makes people, you know, people like
Speaker 4: to reminisce about that. And I and I was like,
Speaker 4: with all the spiritual practices that you've done this year
Speaker 4: and all the time that you've spent thinking about death
Speaker 4: in the past several years, Like, you know, how do
Speaker 4: you come to terms with this?
Speaker 1: And quite simply I just thought about it.
Speaker 4: It's like we all, you know, like Michael Michael said,
Speaker 4: like a real masterclass in the kind of life to
Speaker 4: live because comedians love talking trash and I truly haven't
Speaker 4: heard one bad word about Kenney.
Speaker 1: And we would have heard bad, oh, we would have
Speaker 1: heard it. You know.
Speaker 4: I was always laughing to myself because like often when
Speaker 4: someone dies, like but the first thing I do is
Speaker 4: in my head, make a list of all the other
Speaker 4: people i'd rather I have seen die, And it's almost.
Speaker 1: Every pretty much everybody there. It comes to Kenny, yeah, and.
Speaker 4: So, and then I was trying to think of like good,
Speaker 4: you know, it's like, wow, no one has a bad
Speaker 4: word to say about you, So why is it you
Speaker 4: that die at thirty seven in a pretty horrific manner.
Speaker 4: I'm just going to come out and say, in an
Speaker 4: e bike accident that seemed pretty fucking gruesome. And but
Speaker 4: but I I then I was reading all the things
Speaker 4: that people were saying, and I'm like, I honestly think
Speaker 4: it's just because his soul completed its journey before us,
Speaker 4: because he's better than us.
Speaker 2: Yes, I agree. I was thinking about that same thing,
Speaker 2: because he finish the fu he finished the test early. Yeah, yeah, done,
Speaker 2: he gets to move on to something better early because
Speaker 2: he's better than us.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. Yeah, and I think.
Speaker 2: But it's also a more powerful thing when you when
Speaker 2: somebody who's just lovely, just fucking lovely and really funny
Speaker 2: and really kind and really just cares goes so soon
Speaker 2: you're you're in wile to what you're saying. There's just
Speaker 2: all these pieces of shit walking around just fucking living.
Speaker 1: They have so much more healing to do on their
Speaker 1: soul journey. Yes.
Speaker 2: And the impression that the when you texted me that
Speaker 2: he had passed away, mmm, I like fell over. I
Speaker 2: was like, well, I was so shocked by it and
Speaker 2: like upset and so and it's because he was so
Speaker 2: lovely and great and just my heart goes out to
Speaker 2: his family and his partner and oh my god, in
Speaker 2: the fucking comedy community of Chicago, New York, they're just
Speaker 2: fucking reeling right.
Speaker 1: Now in LA because he spent a long time there too, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: because he lived in La for before we move back
Speaker 1: right now.
Speaker 2: But I'm like, it is almost like it makes a
Speaker 2: huge it's a powerful thing in all of our lives
Speaker 2: that he went as early as he did.
Speaker 1: Like it because it makes you go, how do I
Speaker 1: want to be remembered?
Speaker 2: And it makes you realize that every single interaction that
Speaker 2: you have with somebody can like make or break their day,
Speaker 2: and just being like just smiling at a stranger, like
Speaker 2: a genuine like hey, you know, smile can make somebody's
Speaker 2: whole day. And he like lived in a very Jesus
Speaker 2: type way when you think of Jesus as like a
Speaker 2: just like a cool dude, you know, like a nice
Speaker 2: guy who was not judgmental, And it's like, wow, he
Speaker 2: had this like Jesus quality to him and he died young,
Speaker 2: and that makes his legacy more powerful, uh in a way,
Speaker 2: because it's like there's something about death that's really like
Speaker 2: it's you just look at them totally different, like they
Speaker 2: went through this thing that we're all going to have
Speaker 2: to go through that is, you know, scary, because the
Speaker 2: human ego is terrified to die because we're wired to survive.
Speaker 2: But then you just relook at that and you just
Speaker 2: like the lessons that you gain from that person and
Speaker 2: from knowing that person just kind of hit in a
Speaker 2: completely different, harder.
Speaker 1: Way after they've passed away. It's really strange.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I was like, I was like great. At
Speaker 4: one point, I made myself cry because I was like,
Speaker 4: I wonder if Kenny I forgot to have a dog,
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Thinking about it.
Speaker 2: But then I was like yeah, I was like, it's
Speaker 2: just you know, yeah, when you look at it, and
Speaker 2: then of course you know you can't help.
Speaker 1: It's not even egotistical. It's just like the human condition.
Speaker 2: You start thinking about, like what would people say, you know,
Speaker 2: if I was the one to die, It's like, oh,
Speaker 2: a lot of people would be happy, And then I like, sup, further, yes,
Speaker 2: But the thing is, the people who would be happy
Speaker 2: it's not because I was mean.
Speaker 1: To them, because they were meaning themselves.
Speaker 4: Exactly, and so I'm comfortable with that, even though that's
Speaker 4: not that's very different from Kenny left. Kenny left, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 4: I'm I go. But then why would people be happy?
Speaker 4: It's because because I made them feel uncomfortable, and I'm
Speaker 4: fine with that and I'm not looking to change that.
Speaker 1: I think it's like when we.
Speaker 4: When you make others unhappy or sad or angry, I think,
Speaker 4: I don't. I don't immediately go, I don't stop that,
Speaker 4: or how do I rectify that? I go, Why am
Speaker 4: I making them sad or angry? And is that something
Speaker 4: I'm looking to fix? That's the question you asked. It's exactly.
Speaker 1: It is not inherently bad to make someone sad or angry.
Speaker 2: Right, because a lot of times it has to do
Speaker 2: with their own insecurities and powers.
Speaker 1: We're all projecting most of the time.
Speaker 2: So it's like, who we like is is a projection
Speaker 2: of ourselves, and who we don't like is a projection
Speaker 2: of ourselves.
Speaker 4: It's like who I am on my pan on the planet,
Speaker 4: and my mission is I'm not I'm not Kenny. I'm
Speaker 4: not someone who's here to make everyone feel good and happy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I know that I've known that for a
Speaker 2: long time. That's not my journey, my purpose. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: And we all have our own individual fucking purposes and
Speaker 2: it's really Yeah, it's fascinating. I would like to take
Speaker 2: some of Kenny's qualities into twenty twenty four with me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Kindness and patience, Yeah, And I mean I think
Speaker 4: a lot of people kind of mentioned, uh, this is
Speaker 4: actually similar to Suzanne Summers because her whole family has
Speaker 4: been posting like they did a tribute to her, and
Speaker 4: like so her son spoke and her her partner spoke,
Speaker 4: and yeah, she actually seems to share a lot of
Speaker 4: the qualities that Kenny had. Making you feel like you're
Speaker 4: the only person in the room, which is a magical quality.
Speaker 4: We all know some people who have that. I don't
Speaker 4: have that quality, but I love that. I love that quality,
Speaker 4: and it's a quality that you know, even when you
Speaker 4: can see through it, it makes you feel good. Ash
Speaker 4: Austin Morris has that quality. Yes she does, she does.
Speaker 1: I wrote a joke.
Speaker 4: I was trying to write a joke about Ashley Austin Morris,
Speaker 4: like because when I went to her, I felt like
Speaker 4: we had a really special connection, and not that we don't.
Speaker 4: But then I went to her wedding and I was like, huh,
Speaker 4: everyone feels like they have a really special connection.
Speaker 1: Actually everybody was like, you.
Speaker 4: Know, when you go to your friend's wedding and then
Speaker 4: you realize your friend is cheating on you and everyone,
Speaker 4: But I think Kenny had that same thing. Yeah, you know, yes,
Speaker 4: and that's why everyone feels like they lost a good friend.
Speaker 1: Not that he was, you know, it's like we were,
Speaker 1: you know, I was like friendly. Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 4: I don't even know if I have his number on
Speaker 4: my phone, you know, right. But it's just like he
Speaker 4: made you know, he really had that quality.
Speaker 1: He was a kind motherfucker man. Yeah, kind motherfucker oh man.
Speaker 2: All right, guys, rest and peace, Kenny, Yes, and please go,
Speaker 2: uh go to his instagram and if you feel so inclined,
Speaker 2: watch his comedy special. Yeah. I watched it the other
Speaker 2: night and it was really good. It's called don't you
Speaker 2: Know Who? I Am streaming free on YouTube?
Speaker 6: Uh?
Speaker 2: Kenny DeForest Instagram is k e n n y d
Speaker 2: E f O r E s T. It made me
Speaker 2: so happy that he was able to get hit. It's
Speaker 2: almost that again.
Speaker 4: Isn't that so weird that he had released a comedy
Speaker 4: special mirror months before he passed away. It's almost like
Speaker 4: the universe was like, collect your thoughts and put them.
Speaker 1: Out there for the round. Yeah. I was so.
Speaker 4: Happy that, like from an artistics fans standpoint, that he
Speaker 4: was able to do that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that we can all have that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and he can his thoughts live on, fucking Kenny Man,
Speaker 2: his thoughts and his work.
Speaker 1: We love you, Kenny, all.
Speaker 4: Right, all right, well, sending guys off into a wonderful
Speaker 4: twenty twenty four this. Thank you so much for all
Speaker 4: your support this year. We appreciate it. Be safe, treat
Speaker 4: yourself well, treat others well. This has been Guys, We Fucked,
Speaker 4: the anti slut chaming podcast. We'll talk to you next Friday.
Speaker 2: I don't want to try.
Speaker 4: Guys We Fucked is presented by Luminary, Created and hosted
Speaker 4: by Karin Fisher and Christina Hutchinson. Editing and music coordination
Speaker 4: by Mike Coscarelli. Theme song by Rob Patterson and Jake Cozen.
Speaker 1: Suck my wet ass pussy. Christina said to cut that before,
Speaker 1: but now it's in air. Yeah, let's keep it. Who cares?
Speaker 6: Waiting for a sign? Think I've had enough? I guess
Speaker 6: I got to get.
Speaker 3: Used to.
Speaker 6: Not telling you the stupid little things, the stupid little things.
Speaker 2: You won't be here.
Speaker 6: See, like how I spent my week. I think I
Speaker 6: grew a little more than you.
Speaker 1: I've been digging deep.
Speaker 6: You're still pushing.
Speaker 1: Stubborn to a fault.
Speaker 6: You would say, the same. I'm not perfect. I will
Speaker 6: share the lady. Yeah, So, how to get used to
Speaker 6: not telling you the stupid little things? The stupid little
Speaker 6: things you won't be here to see, like how I
Speaker 6: spent my week, like what's been on TV? Or how
Speaker 6: I could see. I still love you, you know I do.
Speaker 6: I just to show. But life is so long. I
Speaker 6: guess I'll how to get used to
Speaker 1: I'm not telling you to