Speaker 1: Hey guys, It shigarratt Ebenez aka The Professional Homegirl, and
Speaker 1: before we dive into this week's episode, let's take care
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Speaker 1: Remember hold me down, don't hold me up. Okay. In
Speaker 1: case this week's episode brings up any discomfort or triggers,
Speaker 1: always remember to prioritize your well being and mental health first.
Speaker 1: I love y'all deep and until next time, every one.
Speaker 1: Later in part one of this week's episode, my guest
Speaker 1: would be sharing a deeply personal and rarely discussed topic
Speaker 1: within black communities. She would dive into her family's biggest secret,
Speaker 1: where her mother is also her biological sister. This candid
Speaker 1: conversation promises to provide valuable insights and perspectives on the
Speaker 1: subject that often remains concealed fostering a more open and
Speaker 1: empathetic dialogue within our community. So to my guests, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for coming on a show. How you feeling,
Speaker 1: how you doing?
Speaker 2: I am good, I'm good. I'm blessed to be here.
Speaker 1: Okay, we're blessed to have you child. Now, have you
Speaker 1: ever came across the topic of incests before you found
Speaker 1: out about your family secret? And if you have, where
Speaker 1: were your thoughts about it?
Speaker 2: When I found out about When I found out that
Speaker 2: I was the family secret, I had never I was
Speaker 2: like twelve thirteen years old. I had never known anything
Speaker 2: about incests whatsoever. And as a matter of fact, when
Speaker 2: I not too long after I learned about my conception
Speaker 2: and I learned about how I came to be, I
Speaker 2: ended up in foster care, completely disconnected from my natural
Speaker 2: family for a while. So it actually wasn't until I
Speaker 2: was an adult that well. I ended up back in
Speaker 2: Michigan with my grandmother when I was seventeen, a senior
Speaker 2: in high school. But even that year that I stayed
Speaker 2: with my grandparents, there really was no conversation because I
Speaker 2: had been living an emotional turmoil about it. Because one
Speaker 2: of the many questions that I would always ask God,
Speaker 2: was why wouldn't my grandmother allow this? And then not once,
Speaker 2: but twice. You know. So I was battling emotionally with
Speaker 2: not wanting to be offensive to my grandmother and I
Speaker 2: want you to hurt her feelings because I absolutely loved
Speaker 2: her and a daughter. But I had so many questions
Speaker 2: that I knew would cost other people harm, emotional harm,
Speaker 2: So I refrained from asking those questions, but ended up
Speaker 2: being a coming to a young mother myself speaking with
Speaker 2: older cousins who knew more than I actually did.
Speaker 1: Well, you know, the cousins always got the tea.
Speaker 2: Yes, always into find figuring out that my brother, who
Speaker 2: I really didn't know because he was born the same
Speaker 2: way that I was. My mother was raped by her
Speaker 2: father a year later. So I have a biological brother,
Speaker 2: full black biological brother.
Speaker 1: Oh you didn't tell that a documentary.
Speaker 2: Right, Wow? It happened two summers in a row with
Speaker 2: my mother.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, God bless your mother. Man. I mean, we're
Speaker 1: gonna talk about her situation, your relationship were her towards
Speaker 1: you know, once we get to your the meat of
Speaker 1: your story. But ran that is heartbreaking.
Speaker 2: Yes, So when I was when I became an adult
Speaker 2: and was talking to my cousins about it and learning
Speaker 2: about this brother that I really didn't know, only had
Speaker 2: heard of the bits and pieces, and I realized, so
Speaker 2: what happened now once but twice, and that took me
Speaker 2: back to more frustrating with my grandmother. And then it
Speaker 2: got pushed up because I became a young mother really quick.
Speaker 2: So my attention span went to, I need to make
Speaker 2: sure that my daughter never deals with molestation. My daughter
Speaker 2: never sees me taking on vices to deal with trauma.
Speaker 2: My daughter never deals with anything that I dealt with,
Speaker 2: And so all of my time and attention and all
Speaker 2: of my energy went into providing for my daughter naturally
Speaker 2: i e. Financially and then also taking care of her
Speaker 2: every day needs. So things kind of got put on
Speaker 2: a back burner until she was maybe eight nineteen years old,
Speaker 2: and God still talking to me, God still dealing with
Speaker 2: me as he had been since Hour's little girl. I
Speaker 2: began to realize the issues that I still struggle with
Speaker 2: with people and relationships is because I am harboring this trauma.
Speaker 2: I have not talked about it, and it is eating
Speaker 2: me up and it is causing me to not be
Speaker 2: able to truly heal. It's causing me to not truly
Speaker 2: be delivered in these now.
Speaker 1: With this part of your life right right?
Speaker 2: And so I began to seek God because if my
Speaker 2: family won't really talk about it, because I'm the family secret,
Speaker 2: I'll go to God about it. And God began to
Speaker 2: point me into different directions that would allow me to
Speaker 2: get information bit by bit right, getting that information bit
Speaker 2: by bit with just as much of a blow with
Speaker 2: the information that I got is my own information. Because
Speaker 2: when you grow up the family secret, you're thinking that
Speaker 2: you're the black sheep, you're the different one, only to
Speaker 2: find out that you're not.
Speaker 1: Where's your brother at now?
Speaker 2: In prison?
Speaker 1: Wow?
Speaker 2: Yes, my brother's in prison?
Speaker 1: Mask what do what he did?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Because I'm pretty I feel like a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't understand like situations like this can really affect someone's
Speaker 1: mental well being.
Speaker 2: Yes. And I was just speaking with someone a couple
Speaker 2: of hours ago who called me from seeing my die coumentary,
Speaker 2: and I was telling her the difference between my brother
Speaker 2: and I are stark, and they are night and day like,
Speaker 2: the physical differences and the emotional and the mental differences,
Speaker 2: And the biggest takeaway that I want people to take
Speaker 2: from my brother at night and how different we are
Speaker 2: is the fact that he was raised outside of the family,
Speaker 2: disconnected from our family completely. I was raised in the
Speaker 2: family to a degree, but disconnected because of foster care.
Speaker 2: But then reattached to the family.
Speaker 1: Right, you have some type of relationship.
Speaker 2: You would think that the path that he ended up
Speaker 2: down would have been my path because he was disconnected
Speaker 2: and I wasn't. But it doesn't matter where we are
Speaker 2: raised or who we are raised by if those generational curses,
Speaker 2: in those demonic covenants are not detached from us. Right,
Speaker 2: even though he was raised outside of the family, he
Speaker 2: still struggled and still struggles to this day with the
Speaker 2: generational covenants and the demonic curses that are attached to
Speaker 2: our blood line. Because you know, our father was a pedophile.
Speaker 2: There's just no getting around that he had multiple young victims.
Speaker 2: Our father was just a pedophile. You know.
Speaker 1: That was my next question that was going to ask
Speaker 1: you that Leaia on towards the interview. Do you think
Speaker 1: your mother was the only Oh, No.
Speaker 2: She definitely was. She definitely was not. But without going
Speaker 2: into too much detail about my brother's people can google it.
Speaker 2: Everybody knows our family. At twelve years old, he did
Speaker 2: the same thing to his foster mother's five year old granddaughter.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: Out of the anger. Wow. So from twelve, from age
Speaker 2: twelve on, he has had to deal with the legal system.
Speaker 2: And I will say this on his behalf. From twelve
Speaker 2: years old to forty three years old, I have never
Speaker 2: known him to do anything else since that incident at
Speaker 2: twelve years old. So I don't think that my brother.
Speaker 2: I know that my brother is not a pedophile like
Speaker 2: my father was, but that spirit still erupted in him
Speaker 2: when he got angry enough with the person that his
Speaker 2: mother figure. When he got angry with this mother figure
Speaker 2: and he did not get what he was getting from her.
Speaker 2: His way of getting back to her was to violate
Speaker 2: her granddaughter because she adored her granddaughter right. And so
Speaker 2: he has not been able to comfort up under the
Speaker 2: mental issues that come when you have to live with
Speaker 2: the fact that you did this and now this is
Speaker 2: the life that you have to cobhitted yourself to because
Speaker 2: the criminal system, the legal system, they put labels on you.
Speaker 2: Society we put label they put labels on you. And
Speaker 2: even as his sister, you know, my daughter is twenty
Speaker 2: two years old, and when my brother and I would
Speaker 2: start to try to have a relationship, and I don't
Speaker 2: apologize because my daughter was my priority, but I would
Speaker 2: always tell my daughter, you don't know him, I don't
Speaker 2: really know him. Yeah, but you are to never ever
Speaker 2: be along with him in a fashion form.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, the it would be completely No, my daughter has
Speaker 2: to come first. I am not like my family members.
Speaker 2: When they don't separate the pedophiles from the rest of
Speaker 2: the family, they don't make them not come around. They
Speaker 2: tell the children, that's your uncle, that's your this, that's
Speaker 2: not who has ever been as a mother?
Speaker 1: Why do you think black people are like that? And
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm pretty sure other races are like that,
Speaker 1: but I can only speak from my experience and the
Speaker 1: stories I hear. I feel like that is very prominent
Speaker 1: within our community.
Speaker 2: It is because it's generational, it's cyclic, and it's all
Speaker 2: they know. And if our elders will ever open up
Speaker 2: their mouths and deal with that trauma and deal with
Speaker 2: that pain, what you will hear is will it happen
Speaker 2: to me?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it happened in my home to.
Speaker 2: A point to where it's almost normal to them, even
Speaker 2: though you have these young children being adversely affected. You
Speaker 2: know that you didn't like it when it happened to you.
Speaker 2: It's still that norm that they don't know how to
Speaker 2: break away from. And people like me and the family
Speaker 2: who say, you know what, No, I've refused to accept this. Right,
Speaker 2: we become problematic.
Speaker 1: Right, You the issue, I'm the issue.
Speaker 2: I'm crazy, right, something wrong with that girl? No, nothing's
Speaker 2: wrong with me. As a matter of fact, there's something
Speaker 2: wrong with you, guys, because this is not you guys
Speaker 2: are okay going to the family reunion with all the perverts.
Speaker 2: It's like you're leading sheep to a slaughter. Yeah, but
Speaker 2: why are you okay with having us around these men
Speaker 2: who you know have raped and molested throughout the line?
Speaker 1: Yeah? You know what's so crazy? Because I do a
Speaker 1: lot of conversations on topics that a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't talk about within our communities, and obviously sexual abuse
Speaker 1: is one of those topics that's like swept under the rug.
Speaker 1: And you mentioned a couple of things that my previous
Speaker 1: guests who share stories that's similar to yours have said
Speaker 1: the exact same thing. Like one of my homegirls, she
Speaker 1: came in the show and she shared her story being
Speaker 1: molested by her brother, and she says she one of
Speaker 1: the things that she's afraid of is being alone with
Speaker 1: kids because she don't want that spirit to come out
Speaker 1: and take hold of her. And I was like yeah,
Speaker 1: and I was like damn, Like that kind of like
Speaker 1: broke my heart because for you to be aware of
Speaker 1: that and you're afraid to be around your nieces and nephews.
Speaker 1: Even though I believe she has good intentions to something,
Speaker 1: she would do anything, but I do believe there's a
Speaker 1: spirit within our community that is like taking hold and
Speaker 1: really hurting these kids. And then another good point you
Speaker 1: made was I interviewed this lady. Her and her sister
Speaker 1: had similar situations that you and your brother, and she
Speaker 1: spoke about how the abuse affected both her and her
Speaker 1: sister differently. So my guest was similar to your story
Speaker 1: and why her sister was similar to your brother's story.
Speaker 1: And it just shows you how like abuse can affect
Speaker 1: people in meaning different ways.
Speaker 2: Yep. The manifestation is definitely different depending on the situation,
Speaker 2: depending on the person, depending on their spiritual prominence. Because
Speaker 2: I know, beyond the shadow of a out that God
Speaker 2: has said about me even at my incestuous conception that
Speaker 2: one is mine. I have a plan for her, and
Speaker 2: I am not going to allow her to be so
Speaker 2: adversely affected by the works of the enemy that I
Speaker 2: can't use her. So God has stayed even when I
Speaker 2: was cursing him, even when I hated him, Because at
Speaker 2: a nine, ten, eleven, twelve years old, what have I
Speaker 2: done to welcome the kind of abuse that I was
Speaker 2: born into? My grandmother singing about this God who is
Speaker 2: so perfect, and she's always in church. But the God
Speaker 2: that you keep singing about and bragging about don't seem
Speaker 2: to know me. Yeah, you know, That's what it felt
Speaker 2: like until he started talking to me at a young age.
Speaker 2: Even when he started talking to me and I subconsciously
Speaker 2: knew that he was indeed who he said he was, God,
Speaker 2: I still had a strong resentment toward him because of
Speaker 2: the stuff that I endured. What had to nurture that
Speaker 2: relationship with me himself?
Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on when people say there can't
Speaker 1: be a God because of all the things that happens
Speaker 1: to Because I was in a very traumatic childhood upbringing.
Speaker 1: My mother used to beat the hell out of me
Speaker 1: to like a pulp. My father is on drugs. You know,
Speaker 1: I know people. I share stories about people going through
Speaker 1: abuse and all that nature. So what is your thoughts
Speaker 1: when people say that God can't be real, because if
Speaker 1: he is real, why would here let his children go
Speaker 1: through all this?
Speaker 2: I like to make it a natural reflection God. I'm
Speaker 2: a seer and God deals with me visually. So I
Speaker 2: like to make a natural reflection for people. Because when
Speaker 2: people have turned off God in their minds, nothing that
Speaker 2: you say to them to try to get to them
Speaker 2: will make them see what you see. So I take
Speaker 2: it naturally. And my thing is this. You think, think
Speaker 2: of a woman with eight kids. When you are carrying
Speaker 2: that baby in your womb, your nurturing get in your womb.
Speaker 2: You have all these ideas, You have all these plans
Speaker 2: about what this child is gonna become, what they're gonna do,
Speaker 2: how they're gonna look, how they're gonna do this, that
Speaker 2: the third whatnot? That child comes out, and that child
Speaker 2: gets to an age where they make it clear that
Speaker 2: they are going to do the exact opposite of what
Speaker 2: you have designed for them to do. As a mother,
Speaker 2: you can't hold your child's hands twenty four to seven
Speaker 2: to keep them from doing wrong. You can only put
Speaker 2: in them what you think ought to be in them.
Speaker 2: But that child goes out and that child murders somebody.
Speaker 2: As a mother, do you stop loving your child as
Speaker 2: a mother? Do your expectations for your child cease? Right?
Speaker 2: You know, it doesn't mean that because your child went
Speaker 2: out and did what he did, that you're not still
Speaker 2: a mother. Your child made choices that they themselves walked into.
Speaker 2: You didn't do it. People should ought not blame a
Speaker 2: mother for a child going out committing murder, going out raping,
Speaker 2: going out robins. As mothers, we can only do so much.
Speaker 2: Once our children begin to make choices on their own,
Speaker 2: we have to let them make those choices, and when
Speaker 2: they decide to come back to us, we receive them
Speaker 2: and we continue to love them. It is the same
Speaker 2: with God. Unfortunately for us, God had this perfect plan
Speaker 2: for us when he was creating mankind. But clearly, once
Speaker 2: Adam and Eve partook of the fruit in the garden
Speaker 2: of Eden, oh it was alright. We automatically had the
Speaker 2: power of choice. And once we received the power of choice,
Speaker 2: that's when all the havocs started to come about. Because
Speaker 2: oh wait a minute, I have feelings. I have this,
Speaker 2: I have that. God, I know what you said, but
Speaker 2: this is what I want. And we have to remember
Speaker 2: that God spent years and years and years watching his
Speaker 2: creation do the complete opposite of what he wanted to do.
Speaker 2: He had all these laws in place that were hard
Speaker 2: to follow because people were choosing to a flesh. He
Speaker 2: was ready to say, you know what, this is not
Speaker 2: what I created, this is not what I designed. I'm done.
Speaker 2: He was gonna destroy it and just start from scratcher,
Speaker 2: possibly not even start over at all. That's the blood
Speaker 2: Jesus was our saving grace.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what, You make a good point, because
Speaker 1: I do feel like God tried to start over a
Speaker 1: couple of times. I didn't forget that.
Speaker 2: Nobody wants to think about that. It's like we have
Speaker 2: force pushed him into a corner so many times. Yeah,
Speaker 2: to a point to where I tell people he had
Speaker 2: to dumb down south Aastian, he had to dumb down Christianity.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that slogan seas get degrees.
Speaker 2: Yeah, guess what sees gets you in a heaven too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: You can flow through doing the bare minimum and you
Speaker 2: can still get into heaven.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
Speaker 2: It's easy for us to get in our emotion and
Speaker 2: to say, well, this happened, and that happened, and that happened.
Speaker 2: But there can't be a guy. Yes, there is a
Speaker 2: guy because this is the thing. We now have the
Speaker 2: power of choice. And not only do we have the
Speaker 2: power of choice, but the enemy knows that we have
Speaker 2: the power of choice. And because we have the power
Speaker 2: of choice, he has greater womb to maneuver, to manipulate us,
Speaker 2: to get us to do all those things that go
Speaker 2: and gets yes. So at the root of it, God
Speaker 2: is saying, I'm right here waiting for you to choose me.
Speaker 2: I'm right here. I can't because you, guys know, have
Speaker 2: the power of choice. I can't force my will on you.
Speaker 2: I can't force you to do right. I can't force
Speaker 2: you to do what I know you ought to be doing.
Speaker 2: You have to choose me. When I gave up my
Speaker 2: son Jesus for you, it meant that you have to
Speaker 2: now make the conscious decision to choose me. And when
Speaker 2: your choice is lead you down a path that I
Speaker 2: did not call you down, you are going to have
Speaker 2: to deal with the ramifications of those choices. And unfortunately,
Speaker 2: not just you, but you and those attached to you. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so you end up in a life of crime, you
Speaker 2: end up a drug addict or prostitute or whatever, and
Speaker 2: you have children attached to you. Guess what, They're gonna
Speaker 2: inadvertently be affected by that. But that's not because of God.
Speaker 2: That's because of the choices that you make. Now, God's
Speaker 2: grace and god mercy, It's evident even in those situations.
Speaker 2: And I'm a living example of that. Yeah. We all
Speaker 2: says He will not allow us to endure more than
Speaker 2: that which we have been to handle. Yeah, so all
Speaker 2: the things that we have gone through, God has only
Speaker 2: allowed it because he knows that even in the darkest
Speaker 2: of those moments and those experiences, he has already equipped
Speaker 2: us to come out of it and still be used
Speaker 2: by him.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I feel like we enemy a black guy about it.
Speaker 1: I feel we about to go to church in this episode.
Speaker 2: I'm telling you, God him good.
Speaker 1: All the time. Okay, Wow, I'm just still thinking about
Speaker 1: your brother. God bless him. So when you begin sharing
Speaker 1: your story, how do people react? Because you know how
Speaker 1: we are, like we you don't tell the family business,
Speaker 1: Like what goes on in this house stays in this house.
Speaker 2: Yes, from the family, I would get they're starting to
Speaker 2: come around more now, but especially my grandmother's siblings, her
Speaker 2: brothers in particular, tell too much? Why because you scared
Speaker 2: of was gonna get revealed about you? You know?
Speaker 1: And was your grandma the one that you loved and
Speaker 1: spoke so holly about? Was that her husband?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, I didn't.
Speaker 2: No, No, it wasn't her husband because he lived in
Speaker 2: Saint Louis and my grandmother was married to another man.
Speaker 2: But unfortunately, my family as a whole trauma and abuse.
Speaker 2: If my family would get together and would just start
Speaker 2: even my grandmother comes from probably close to thirty siblings. Wow, yeah,
Speaker 2: so outside of that thirty siblings, even though it's pervasive
Speaker 2: in all those lines, if my grandmother and hirs, my
Speaker 2: grandmother's children and grandchildren and great grandchildren alone, if we
Speaker 2: got to talking, the world will be looking at us like,
Speaker 2: how in the world are y'all saying? Because it's a lot,
Speaker 2: how much the stories?
Speaker 1: How many kids you think were born in your family?
Speaker 1: Similar to you and your brother's situation?
Speaker 2: Who I finding out more and more. I have a
Speaker 2: cousin who is older than me. She's a pastor now
Speaker 2: in Las Vegas, I did not know how similar her
Speaker 2: story was to mine until she wrote her book a
Speaker 2: couple of years ago. She was actually raped by her stepfather,
Speaker 2: her mother's husband, her and her sister. So her and
Speaker 2: her sister both have children by their stepfather. Thank god,
Speaker 2: it's not their biological father, but still a father figure.
Speaker 1: Yeah right.
Speaker 2: So I met a cousin, this particular cousin who was
Speaker 2: raped by her stepfather and have children by him. I
Speaker 2: haven't met in person her children because they're out of Michigan,
Speaker 2: but her sister, who also had a child by that
Speaker 2: same man, that cousin, her and I talk on a
Speaker 2: regular basis, and I've hurt for her because she is
Speaker 2: not where I am. You know, she still struggles with
Speaker 2: the fact that she was born from this dark family secret,
Speaker 2: and she really has not gotten any of her questions answered.
Speaker 2: And she cannot accept the fact that there are certain
Speaker 2: ways to go about your healing process. And unfortunately, when
Speaker 2: you're healing process and it vertally causes others harm or
Speaker 2: takes them back, you need to figure out what's right
Speaker 2: or what's wrong. Should I do this or should I
Speaker 2: not right? She's trying to heal on her terms regardless
Speaker 2: of how it affects other people, because she feels like
Speaker 2: she needs to know certain things, but because she's not
Speaker 2: getting the responses that she's getting, she's kind of stuck.
Speaker 2: And you can tell that she has lived a life
Speaker 2: where she is just boxed into all of this trauma
Speaker 2: and she hasn't been delivered, she hasn't truly healed. She's
Speaker 2: this little girl who is stuck in the knowledge of
Speaker 2: these family secrets. And even though our stories are similar,
Speaker 2: I hurt for her because I know what she feels like.
Speaker 2: But I also understood from her mother's perspective.
Speaker 1: Too, And what's her mother's perspective.
Speaker 2: Her mother, even though people know what happened to her,
Speaker 2: it's not something that she's ready to just openly talk about,
Speaker 2: not even her daughter. It's like that wound that's buried
Speaker 2: so deep down that to get to it you have
Speaker 2: to drudge up so much. And every layer that comes
Speaker 2: up before you get to that layer has its own
Speaker 2: form of trauma and its own form of pain. And
Speaker 2: for some people, they're not strong enough to deal with that.
Speaker 1: They can bring people, yes, And.
Speaker 2: I'm always telling her, you have to stop. You know,
Speaker 2: other people in the families, you have to stop. You
Speaker 2: have no idea the damage you are doing to her
Speaker 2: by doing pushing and pushing and trying to force answers
Speaker 2: to questions that you need to go to cap you
Speaker 2: need to.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2: And then to a degree she idolized. She still idolizes them.
Speaker 2: And it's like, you know what this man did to
Speaker 2: your mother, to your aunt, you know what he represents
Speaker 2: to the family. But because he's the only father figure
Speaker 2: that you've ever known, you make it known that you
Speaker 2: still loved him, which is another form of trauma to them.
Speaker 1: Wow, and that's heartbreaking.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's who I have cousins. I have cousins who
Speaker 2: are the product of a brother's sister molestation, brother sister
Speaker 2: ancestor like my grandmother's brothers raping her sisters and children
Speaker 2: being produced. The older I've gotten, especially in the last
Speaker 2: five years, I've looked at Ron and I've gone WHOA.
Speaker 2: So it's just pervasive. It's not just me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this just came to my mind. But how has
Speaker 1: this We haven't even got to the meat of your story, right,
Speaker 1: But I just feel like these are this conversation they
Speaker 1: need to be had, and I'm just curious to know
Speaker 1: how has this like just your story, hearing your cousins
Speaker 1: stories and just hearing stories overall, How has this influenced
Speaker 1: your perspective on men and women?
Speaker 2: And that is the saving grace because when I was sixteen,
Speaker 2: God knew that I was never going to forgive my mother,
Speaker 2: and he walked me through that vision that I talk
Speaker 2: about in my documentary. And because of that experience, like
Speaker 2: it could not have been anymore real. There is no
Speaker 2: way for me to adequately verbalize that vision to get
Speaker 2: people to truly understand what I felt in that moment,
Speaker 2: and because of the emotion of it, and it still
Speaker 2: stays with me. Just as God said to me, every
Speaker 2: time you refuse to forgive your mother, it's that thirteen
Speaker 2: year old little girl you're refusing to forgive. I've never
Speaker 2: been able to backtrack from that. So everything that she
Speaker 2: does I equate to that thirteen year old, little wounded girl,
Speaker 2: So I can't hate her. So I now, since sixteen
Speaker 2: years old, have looked at things from a different lens.
Speaker 2: And I'm sure that it's because I didn't know what then, obviously,
Speaker 2: but I know now that there is a prophetic anointing
Speaker 2: on me. And I'm also a seer. So I see
Speaker 2: things differently than most people, and I hear things differently
Speaker 2: than most people. So even though I'm in this thing,
Speaker 2: I still have the grace given to me by God
Speaker 2: to be able to deal with people from their place
Speaker 2: of trauma and not my own emotion.
Speaker 1: Facts. Yeah, you got me.
Speaker 2: People, I have unhealthy relationships. I used to have unhealthy
Speaker 2: relationships with dark skinned black men, not because of a lestation,
Speaker 2: but because my mother's husband, dark skinned, big black man,
Speaker 2: Jery Curle, was I equated him to being I called
Speaker 2: him the monster. He was just trauma and just oh
Speaker 2: big black. It was just trauma for me. So every
Speaker 2: dark skinned man up until about ten years ago took
Speaker 2: me back to him. So how did you move as
Speaker 2: that the church that God sent me to when my
Speaker 2: daughter was five years old, Big black Jered Curle, you
Speaker 2: talk about the most genuine, sweetest, nicest, caring, protect the
Speaker 2: gentle giant. It was he. He was the on the outside,
Speaker 2: very similar to the monsters, but on the inside the
Speaker 2: complete opposite. It was like God put him in my life,
Speaker 2: even at a distance for a while, because I was
Speaker 2: so just put off by the visual appearance. For me
Speaker 2: to get the essence of who he was. To feel
Speaker 2: God literally through this man. It's like the God that
Speaker 2: I had formed a relationship with, the spirit of that
Speaker 2: relationship was manifesting in this man and a father figure,
Speaker 2: awesome anointed. And I remember looking up one day thinking
Speaker 2: to myself, I just hugged then fletched the thing twice.
Speaker 2: I embraced it, and I wanted it. And I realized
Speaker 2: in that moment that God had taken away that fear
Speaker 2: and the trigger of what he presented. And about six
Speaker 2: years ago, my step father, my mother's ex husband, he
Speaker 2: actually came to Mississippi or to Michigan from Mississippi out
Speaker 2: of the blue and I ran into him at the
Speaker 2: gas station. Oh wow, And I thought, did to this
Speaker 2: man you know, did he make touching? No? Oh wow,
Speaker 2: he didn't even reckon. I walked up on him and said, Hi,
Speaker 2: how are you? And he said who are you? I said, wow,
Speaker 2: you don't even know me. Wow, you have father three
Speaker 2: of my sisters. I lived with you for upteen years
Speaker 2: and you don't know who I am. I looked just
Speaker 2: like my mother.
Speaker 1: You do look like your mother? Yes?
Speaker 2: Yes? And he was funny like yes, and he was
Speaker 2: like home okay. You know, he kind of did his
Speaker 2: little ground. Somebody in the car was trying to get
Speaker 2: his attention, so I let him go. But that was
Speaker 2: more for me. I needed to approach him to see
Speaker 2: how I would react to him. Yeah, And it was
Speaker 2: weird because in my mind up until that day, he's
Speaker 2: just this big black monster, but he even seems shorter
Speaker 2: and smaller.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's how you know you're on the path
Speaker 1: of healing.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So I'm like, okay, okay, Now, I say, would
Speaker 2: have called my sisters and say, hey, I saw your dad, YadA, YadA, YadA,
Speaker 2: And it wasn't a I saw your dad, you know,
Speaker 2: it was a different tone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I saw your dad.
Speaker 2: Yes, you know, you think you killed because you haven't
Speaker 2: had to face a thing, but you don't know that
Speaker 2: you've truly killed until you come face to face with
Speaker 2: that thing, right, Right. Once I came face to face
Speaker 2: with it, I was like, okay, okay, God, I'll see
Speaker 2: you right, okay, right, right.
Speaker 1: So let's start with the early chapters of your story,
Speaker 1: beginning with your mother. At the age of thirteen, she
Speaker 1: met her father for the first time, and how did
Speaker 1: that come about? Like she didn't know who he was,
Speaker 1: or they just live in different states.
Speaker 2: My family is originally from Mississippi, and that's where my
Speaker 2: grandmother had the first I think three or four of
Speaker 2: her her children, actually five of her children in Mississippi.
Speaker 2: And when they left Mississippi, my mother was really young, right,
Speaker 2: and so when they moved to Mississippi, when they moved
Speaker 2: to Michigan, contact was lost. You know, my grandmother was
Speaker 2: with somebody else. Contact was lost. Even though she had
Speaker 2: three girls by him, contact was lost. He left Mississippi
Speaker 2: and went to Saint Louis, Missouri, started his own family there,
Speaker 2: and so he got in contact with my grandmother when
Speaker 2: my mother was around thirteen years old, and said, I
Speaker 2: want to have a relationship with my girls. And of
Speaker 2: course my grandmother hadn't had any contact with them. She
Speaker 2: really didn't know what his tendencies were, and at least
Speaker 2: I don't think she you know what his tendencies were.
Speaker 2: And my mother was given the option, you know, your
Speaker 2: dad wants to spend some time with her, he wants
Speaker 2: to get to know you. And according from what my
Speaker 2: mother told me, she wanted to go because of issues
Speaker 2: that were happening within the home already. She felt like
Speaker 2: it could be a safe haven if I go with
Speaker 2: my dad. The other sisters didn't want to go, but
Speaker 2: she went and it turned out to be a nightmare
Speaker 2: for her.
Speaker 1: I wonder why they didn't want to go.
Speaker 2: You know what, My sister slash Aunt, hosted on my
Speaker 2: Facebook page a couple of I think yesterday or the
Speaker 2: day before, and I was reading what she wrote, and
Speaker 2: I thought, I see, I'm learning something else because I'm
Speaker 2: pretty sure she's telling me that she knew that he
Speaker 2: was a pedophile. That's why she didn't want to go. Wow.
Speaker 2: So I spent the last couple of day dan havesins
Speaker 2: whenever she posted it just pondered, and I'm like, it's
Speaker 2: like every time I talk to them, I get something else. Yeah,
Speaker 2: the secrets, and it just keeps spilling out because she's
Speaker 2: never verbalized that to me. I've never known that she
Speaker 2: had a choice, but she knew that he was off,
Speaker 2: so she didn't go that aspect of this story. I've
Speaker 2: never been privy to that, right, you know. So I'm
Speaker 2: still I'm this is going to be a lesson until
Speaker 2: the day I die.
Speaker 1: Continue lesson because this is years and years like this
Speaker 1: goes beyond your your mom and her mom, and then
Speaker 1: you got this side of the family.
Speaker 2: Like yes, wow, rational trauma begets generational trauma begets generational trauma.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I in a conversation with my grandmother one day as
Speaker 2: I was an adult. She absolutely loved in the door
Speaker 2: of me, so she definitely aboutely absolutely loves in the
Speaker 2: door of my daughter. And we were just laughing and
Speaker 2: talking one day, and because she was in such a
Speaker 2: good mood, I just kind of threw a question in here.
Speaker 2: He just slide them in there to see what she'll say.
Speaker 2: You know, I was just asking her. I said, Mama,
Speaker 2: my daddy raped my mama twice. Man, if somebody been
Speaker 2: to my child, they gonna be in prison, you know,
Speaker 2: just to see what she where she would go with it.
Speaker 2: And she said, baby, if that nigga would have been
Speaker 2: in Michigan, he'd have been under the jail, right. And
Speaker 2: I'm like, so emotion okay, wow. I had a bunch
Speaker 2: of questions once she said that, but didn't want to
Speaker 2: push it too far. So I hate them and let
Speaker 2: them go. But I'm thinking to myself, this answer was
Speaker 2: an instant answer. The emotion was just raw. So why
Speaker 2: would she go back the next year, and why wouldn't
Speaker 2: he be under the jail. Why was he allowed to
Speaker 2: live a long life?
Speaker 1: And why why did she go back the next year?
Speaker 2: She told me years and years ago that she went
Speaker 2: back because she was already living in hell with under
Speaker 2: my grandmother's roof. And he promised her that he would
Speaker 2: never do it again, and he apologized, and she believed it.
Speaker 2: You know, at this time, she's fourteen years old, she's struggling,
Speaker 2: she's living in hell pretty much at home, and he's
Speaker 2: acknowledged that he did it and he was out of order,
Speaker 2: and he's promising that he won't do it again. So
Speaker 2: he basically manipulated her and she went back and it
Speaker 2: happened again. Wow.
Speaker 1: So when she came back home and she was pregnant,
Speaker 1: what did the family say?
Speaker 2: Oh, they knew, they knew.
Speaker 1: That's crazy.
Speaker 2: But the issue, this is the issue. And I'm an adult,
Speaker 2: so I can look back and I can see this now.
Speaker 2: How can we make a big deal about her being
Speaker 2: ranked by her father when and I'm saying this to
Speaker 2: my grandmother's perspective and from her her sister's perspective, because
Speaker 2: extremely close, we can't really make a big deal. A
Speaker 2: lot of that when our brothers are doing the same
Speaker 2: thing to us and our daughters and to our boys.
Speaker 2: So if we're gonna get mad at him and prosecute him,
Speaker 2: we got to get mad at our brothers but doing
Speaker 2: what they doing to our kids and some of our spouses.
Speaker 2: But doing what they doing to our kids.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: So it's just you know, pot calling the kettle black.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know, it was so crazy. I was
Speaker 1: talking to somebody, and somebody was saying, like a lot
Speaker 1: of people allow things to happen to other people because
Speaker 1: it happened to them, and they think they quote unquote
Speaker 1: came out. Okay, So if I'm still yeah.
Speaker 2: And that that mentality is sickney. Yeah, nobody protected me,
Speaker 2: So why would I protect you. I got told to
Speaker 2: keep quiet, so you better keep quiet.
Speaker 1: Too, right, and at such a young age, like not
Speaker 1: once but.
Speaker 2: Twice, yes, twice.
Speaker 1: Wow. So as you was getting older, your mom will
Speaker 1: leave you at home with your boyfriend's son and he
Speaker 1: would molest you and bribe you with food and religion.
Speaker 2: Yes, her boyfriend. And because you know, it's crazy how
Speaker 2: she was always drawn to older men. But it's not
Speaker 2: crazy because that's what she sought out a father figure,
Speaker 2: but it got twisted and perverted into love. And because
Speaker 2: I'm thinking the spirits in these men recognized the trauma
Speaker 2: in her and that like spirit in her and saw
Speaker 2: her as an easy victim because she always dated men
Speaker 2: who were much older than my grandmother. Yeah, even in
Speaker 2: her teen teen years, she dated men who were my
Speaker 2: grandmother's age or older. So when she was dating this
Speaker 2: one particular man, his son was her age. As a
Speaker 2: matter of fact, she should have been dating the son
Speaker 2: instead of the dad.
Speaker 1: Right. Yo, she was as nasty man.
Speaker 2: Yes, and she would leave us as she would leave
Speaker 2: us at home with him, and he would molest me
Speaker 2: and I'm just like, you know what, this just don't
Speaker 2: make no sense. Thank God he never penetrated me, but
Speaker 2: the oral sex was just a bit much. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I will never forget that this man would force me
Speaker 2: to do it under the guise of religion. I didn't
Speaker 2: want to go to hell, and under the guise of
Speaker 2: if you don't gonna make your brother do it, well,
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna subject my little brother to this.
Speaker 3: Right you think.
Speaker 1: Your mom knew all along what was going on.
Speaker 2: I would have a hard time believing that she didn't know,
Speaker 2: because how many times do you have to come into
Speaker 2: the house with this man bringing me out of a
Speaker 2: bathroom to give me ice cream, telling you that he
Speaker 2: promised me a treat. You can't put two and two
Speaker 2: together when you have gone through that to that, right, Yes,
Speaker 2: I mean it didn't even even though I was molested
Speaker 2: by him, I wasn't molested by a close family member
Speaker 2: on until my teen years. Yet I was still hyper
Speaker 2: vigilant about protecting my daughter, right So, and I would
Speaker 2: look at her like I couldn't say anything with him
Speaker 2: standing there, but I would be talking to her with
Speaker 2: my eyes. And it's funny because now I always hear
Speaker 2: your mouth don't have to say it because your face
Speaker 2: don't say it. Yeah, And so when I hear that,
Speaker 2: I'm like, and I'm pretty sure when I was a
Speaker 2: little girl, my face was saying a whole lot too,
Speaker 2: but she wasn't catching it, probably because she didn't want.
Speaker 1: To catch it, right, Wow.
Speaker 2: And I do believe that my mother back especially back then,
Speaker 2: my mother absolutely loved me, but because of her age
Speaker 2: and what she was dealing with, she did not know
Speaker 2: how And I think if she would have accepted what
Speaker 2: was happening to me. It would have destroyed her back then. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so I think that she knew to a degree, but
Speaker 2: as a defense mechanism, she convinced herself that it wasn't
Speaker 2: happening because I didn't actually come out and say it.
Speaker 1: Right. Have you ever seen or heard about this documentary?
Speaker 1: It was about this father, a black man, and he
Speaker 1: had nothing but girls, and you know what I'm talking about. Yes, Yes,
Speaker 1: it was just so crazy because the son did the
Speaker 1: documentary on how the father was sleeping with every single
Speaker 1: daughter and one of the daughters fell in love with
Speaker 1: the father.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: And then the father is dying, so everybody's around him
Speaker 1: on his deathbed and the son is like, are y'all serious?
Speaker 2: Crazy?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Crazy? Just like when a young girl is kidnapped and
Speaker 2: she's kidnapped and she's gone for a long time and
Speaker 2: then they go to rescue her and she wants to
Speaker 2: be back with her kidnapper. Yeah, there was a term
Speaker 2: for it, and it's just lost on me at the moment,
Speaker 2: But there is a mental effect that causes you to
Speaker 2: actually feel compassion for them. Yeah, And as a survival mechanism,
Speaker 2: you begin to equate the abuse with love. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: especially in a house full of girls. I'm pretty sure
Speaker 2: it got to a point to where they became a competition.
Speaker 2: They all knew, Yeah, they all knew. I'm connected to
Speaker 2: a family now where the dad was molesting all the
Speaker 2: girls and had even started on the grand grandchildren. But
Speaker 2: you asked them now and they will tell you, my
Speaker 2: daddy didn't do that. My daddy didn't do that. Yes
Speaker 2: he did. We know he did it. Everybody knows he
Speaker 2: did it. Wow.
Speaker 1: Nah, these men, it's sick. It's disgusting.
Speaker 2: It's like the more that you find out, it's just
Speaker 2: like whoa, whoa, whoa. And it's part of why I
Speaker 2: stayed single. You know.
Speaker 1: That's why I asked you, did this effect your relationship
Speaker 1: with men?
Speaker 2: Because yes, yes, Because my daughter's father met him in
Speaker 2: high school. He was an amazing man. We didn't date
Speaker 2: in high school, but we met after high school. We
Speaker 2: met after we got out of high school, and he
Speaker 2: was an amazing man. We ended up having to separate
Speaker 2: for a lot of reasons, but the ultimate reason was
Speaker 2: he just was not mentally equipped to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2: He was in the military straight out of high school.
Speaker 2: They sent him to Guam. He should have never been
Speaker 2: sent to Guam as an eighteen year old young man.
Speaker 2: He saw some things that messed up his mind literally,
Speaker 2: and when he came back he wasn't okay, and then
Speaker 2: he ended up getting shot. When my daughter was three.
Speaker 2: He got shot in March, and my daughter turned four
Speaker 2: that July. So my daughter was three when her daughter
Speaker 2: when her dad was permanently paralyxed. He got shot in
Speaker 2: the throw with a shotgun. Wow. So he has been
Speaker 2: totally impermanently disabled since my daughter was three years old
Speaker 2: and she's twenty two now. And even though he and
Speaker 2: I separated before then, I still had gotten to a
Speaker 2: place where I was like, I've tried to date and
Speaker 2: it's not working. And because of my background, I had
Speaker 2: the mindset of no man will ever take advantage of me,
Speaker 2: no man will ever get the one up on me.
Speaker 2: I'm going to control all these relationships. And even though
Speaker 2: it's only a couple of relationships, the one that I
Speaker 2: I was in was the one that I had no
Speaker 2: business being in. I got hoodwinked. I did not know
Speaker 2: that night was engaged to be Yes, honey, I did
Speaker 2: not know he was engaged to be married. I found
Speaker 2: out that he was getting married the weekend that he
Speaker 2: told me he was going to visit his kids.
Speaker 1: Wow, I'm not surprised.
Speaker 2: Because of that, I realized quickly I don't have the
Speaker 2: control over this relationship that I thought I had right
Speaker 2: and because it took me so long to get rid
Speaker 2: of him, and the only way that I was able
Speaker 2: to finally get rid of him even after he was married,
Speaker 2: was for me to go to my cousin to say,
Speaker 2: I have no business being with this man. But I
Speaker 2: don't know how to stay no to him? What is
Speaker 2: wrong with me? Because I know better, like this is
Speaker 2: sickening to me. I know better. And she had to
Speaker 2: explain to me, that's a soul tie. That's why we
Speaker 2: have no business leaping when men were not married, too,
Speaker 2: because the soul's highest formed once we connect sexually. And
Speaker 2: I went to I went down a treasure drove of
Speaker 2: what is the soul tie? How to let me find
Speaker 2: some prayers? Because I was adamant about not continue in
Speaker 2: the relationship, and I said to God then I said,
Speaker 2: if you break me from this soul tie, I promise
Speaker 2: you I will not lay with another man that is
Speaker 2: not my husband. And two weeks of this man calling
Speaker 2: to me, ignoring him, in me praying, two weeks of
Speaker 2: him calling me, ignoring him, and me praying. Finally, one
Speaker 2: day God said, pick up the phone, and I'm thinking,
Speaker 2: I cannot you Okay, So I picked up the phone,
Speaker 2: and now what happened. Ten minutes later I hung up
Speaker 2: the phone and I'm like, I said no, I said no.
Speaker 1: I said no.
Speaker 2: The soul ti.
Speaker 3: Has been broken, right.
Speaker 2: And he tried still for about two or three years
Speaker 2: after that, and every single time it was by going
Speaker 2: somewhere with.
Speaker 3: That right right, and I never forgot that.
Speaker 2: And my promise to God I kept that if you
Speaker 2: break me from this soul Tipe, I promise you I
Speaker 2: will not lay with another man that is not my husband.
Speaker 1: So you've been selling it for a while.
Speaker 2: My daughter is twenty two years old. I have been
Speaker 2: celibate since she was five. She was five, she was
Speaker 2: fi wow, So I have been. There has been one
Speaker 2: oops in that time, about three years ago. But yes, celibate,
Speaker 2: because I am not. The power that that man had
Speaker 2: over me is the power that I never want another
Speaker 2: another individual to possess over me.
Speaker 1: Another nigga. I said, for you, it's like a drug.
Speaker 2: Yeah, now, I it helped me to understand the drug
Speaker 2: adds in my family. Yeah, I cannot be mad at
Speaker 2: you because you can't put that pipe down. But I
Speaker 2: have my full faculty about me and I can't leave
Speaker 2: this man alone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like they're just vices.
Speaker 1: I can't. I forgot the true because I can't keep
Speaker 1: keep up with it. But I've been selling being for
Speaker 1: like three or four years now, and I almost had
Speaker 1: a oops too. But I'm like, right, right.
Speaker 2: I got tricked. But it's like, even as it was happening,
Speaker 2: I'm like, I need him to go. I need him
Speaker 2: to go, and I just felt so I was so
Speaker 2: repulsed by it, more so because I had disappointed God.
Speaker 1: Oh my God, I M we're gonna have to talk
Speaker 1: because I feel That's why I was telling my friends
Speaker 1: and I'm de listeners, probably like child, but I was
Speaker 1: telling my friends because I may have promised to God
Speaker 1: and I didn't tell how I was going for my husband,
Speaker 1: but I told him that I was gonna wait for
Speaker 1: I was gonna be able to be with a man
Speaker 1: that we both feel like is accepting or what I
Speaker 1: want to give him, or just you know, not rewarding,
Speaker 1: but like who I felt comfortable with and who I
Speaker 1: felt safe with. So I'm like, God, that is our agreement.
Speaker 1: And I felt like God has gave me everything that
Speaker 1: my heart desired. And I have really been struggling with
Speaker 1: the fact that if I do decide to move forward
Speaker 1: and engage and sexual activity, I feel like God is
Speaker 1: going to be really upset with me. And it has
Speaker 1: really been like weighing on my heart. So I just
Speaker 1: been praying, and I've just been asking God to like
Speaker 1: i't I just been praying him because I'm like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to disappoint him, because I feel like my
Speaker 1: relationship with God is so important to me, and we
Speaker 1: came a long way. So yes, I'm glad we're on
Speaker 1: the same page. But I know exactly what youre talking
Speaker 1: about when it comes to disappointment, like that is like
Speaker 1: the worst feeling ever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I tell people. I always tell people because
Speaker 2: I'm a prophet and a seer and I'm not just
Speaker 2: a prophet with the gift of prophecy. I'm called to
Speaker 2: the prophetic office because of my relationship with God. I
Speaker 2: liking it so that people can understand it. I liking
Speaker 2: it to your grandmother's favorite child, the child who while
Speaker 2: twenty kids are outside all day playing, you got that
Speaker 2: one child who is just at your side. Yeah, that's
Speaker 2: how I am with God. And just like that one
Speaker 2: child who is always at that grandparent's side. You hear conversations.
Speaker 2: You hear how they gossip, and how they talk about
Speaker 2: so and so doing this, and so and so doing that,
Speaker 2: and she ain't got no sense, and her kid's crazy,
Speaker 2: and you know this that or the third. So you
Speaker 2: get to hear, but you also hear the disappointment when
Speaker 2: they're talking about their children and their nieces and their
Speaker 2: grandkids and so and so as kids and as a kid.
Speaker 2: And because I was like this with my grandmother, I
Speaker 2: was taking that all in, wanting to not cause them
Speaker 2: to have to feel the same emotion, right, and so
Speaker 2: with God, it's the same way I sit at his feet.
Speaker 2: You know, he allows me to feel his emotion per se,
Speaker 2: and I have access to how he feels what's going
Speaker 2: on in the world. And because I know how disappointed
Speaker 2: he is and how he longs to have us turn
Speaker 2: from our weight wicked waves and to turn toward him,
Speaker 2: I don't want to add to that burden.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.
Speaker 2: It's just like, no, I cannot. I cannot add to
Speaker 2: that burden. I live my life to police. I annoyed
Speaker 2: my body every single morning. But if it is not
Speaker 2: of you, for you, or buy you, keep it from me.
Speaker 2: Let it not nswer into me, let it not come
Speaker 2: out of me. I am your vessel. Yeah, And people
Speaker 2: always ask me, if you look at my social media,
Speaker 2: why are you typing on caps? That's annoying. I don't
Speaker 2: care if it's annoying to you. It's not about you.
Speaker 2: I type every single word in all caps because it
Speaker 2: is a visual reminder to me that everything that comes
Speaker 2: out of my mouth, no matter how simple or how
Speaker 2: big it is, is important.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: And if it is not pleasing to God in any way, shape,
Speaker 2: fashion or form, why is it coming out of me?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: It is like a visual reminder to be mindful of
Speaker 2: what I put into the atmosphere. Everything important, the little,
Speaker 2: even the thus and the ants, because it's all connected
Speaker 2: to something else. Right.
Speaker 1: So not to get in your business, I feel like,
Speaker 1: how I'm already in your business. So what do you do?
Speaker 1: Because I mean, you're a human, you're a beautiful woman.
Speaker 1: What do you do when you get horny.
Speaker 2: Honestly, a lot of the time, I am always on
Speaker 2: the go so much that it does not happen a
Speaker 2: lot so for the last couple of years because I
Speaker 2: now know that that is a trick of the enemy
Speaker 2: to get me to veer toward perversion. Because God doesn't
Speaker 2: even want me to masturbate. I call it out.
Speaker 1: Is it wrong to massurbate God?
Speaker 2: It's pleasure. It's like, that's not your husband. It's like
Speaker 2: you're giving in to the lust of the flesh. You're
Speaker 2: giving in to the lust of the flesh. And I'm
Speaker 2: just like, okay, I can't do it. If I can't
Speaker 2: do it, and if I'm up and I'm finding especially
Speaker 2: the mornings where I decide to sleep in, If I
Speaker 2: sleep in and I'm not rush to go anywhere, that's
Speaker 2: when that spirit tries to creep in and it plays
Speaker 2: in my mind. I'm like, get up out of this bed,
Speaker 2: go fit, go find you something to.
Speaker 1: Do right right right?
Speaker 2: You know, No, we not even giving in to the
Speaker 2: enemy in that way. He's not gonna creep in because
Speaker 2: I am a woman, you know, and it's not easy,
Speaker 2: but it is always staying ahead of it. Recognizing the trigger,
Speaker 2: recognizing what will cause me to even begin to go
Speaker 2: down there, and quickly acknowledging it, saying, you know what
Speaker 2: I got control over?
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No spirit will control me in any way, shape, fashion, form.
Speaker 2: No man will control me in any way, shape, fashion,
Speaker 2: and form. No I have the power to control completely
Speaker 2: and totally.
Speaker 1: Damn. Now I feel bad. I mean I don't do
Speaker 1: it a lot, But.
Speaker 2: The beauty of his God, in his infinite risdom, extends
Speaker 2: us race. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
Speaker 2: I just like to say, you know what, once you
Speaker 2: know something, you are not responsible for the knowledge that
Speaker 2: you've been given in you after work. But it's worked.
Speaker 2: And that's why, that's why that oops happened a couple
Speaker 2: of years ago, because I was extremely vulnerable, and you know,
Speaker 2: by trade, I am a mobile notary signing agent, So
Speaker 2: I traveled the state closing out real estate transactions, you know,
Speaker 2: dealing with anything else that needs notorization. So I am
Speaker 2: always in a FedEx or a UPS or something, and
Speaker 2: a man in one of them all the time that
Speaker 2: was flirting up the wazoo all the time, right, and
Speaker 2: one night he I said something to him on social
Speaker 2: media just a flippant comment, and I'm like, oh, good lord,
Speaker 2: what did I do? Child?
Speaker 1: Ain't nothing like a flying man in your presence?
Speaker 2: Though, Like, Okay, I got I can't I can't do this, right,
Speaker 2: I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't
Speaker 2: do this. And it's bad when you don't even enjoy it,
Speaker 2: like it wasn't supposed to have. Yeah, I know that
Speaker 2: I've offended. God, I'm so upset, like I couldn't even
Speaker 2: get back on track.
Speaker 1: I couldn't even get off on this. And now I
Speaker 1: feel bad, like.
Speaker 2: It's like everything about this is just no right right? Wow?
Speaker 1: You know one thing that I love about your story?
Speaker 1: And I go back and forth with my friends and
Speaker 1: my cousins about this because I don't feel like he
Speaker 1: should be left at home by themselves.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe if the child is a certain age,
Speaker 1: but I just feel like I just don't like it.
Speaker 1: I feel like anything can happen and I don't know.
Speaker 1: And I'm not passing judgment on anybody who does this,
Speaker 1: because I do understand that unfortunately, a lot of people
Speaker 1: don't have the support and resources that they need when
Speaker 1: it comes to Childcarecter child Care is very expensive, but
Speaker 1: it just makes me so uncomfortable when children are left
Speaker 1: at home. And in your situation, your mom used to
Speaker 1: leave you at home with your siblings and you was
Speaker 1: only eight or nine years old.
Speaker 2: Yes, for days at a time. Yeah, yes, So how
Speaker 2: was y'all eating? Daughter? My daughter would hit certain milestones
Speaker 2: and I would look at her and I would come
Speaker 2: when I was your age, So what's happening right? I'm like,
Speaker 2: there's no way I would leave you to deal with that,
Speaker 2: you know, just the light bulb moments that I would have.
Speaker 2: And it also helped me to realize how old how
Speaker 2: young my mother was, because the older my daughter got,
Speaker 2: I would equate my mother's age when stuff was happening
Speaker 2: her to my daughter's age, and I would go, so,
Speaker 2: when my mother was a senior in high school, you
Speaker 2: mean to tell me that she had two kids and
Speaker 2: was about to have a whoa? Okay? And then the
Speaker 2: immaturity of my daughter because she was raised in a bubble,
Speaker 2: highly gifted, extremely intelligent. But I tell her, it seems
Speaker 2: like you're immature, but you're not. It's just that your
Speaker 2: maturity level is age appropriate. Yeah, you're a child, and
Speaker 2: it's not something that I'm accustomed to where anybody around
Speaker 2: me has been accustomed to outside of our community, you know,
Speaker 2: in our community, the way that she and my family
Speaker 2: still calls her, some of them still call her the
Speaker 2: white girl. My daughter's not white, right, right right. The
Speaker 2: way that she was brought up is it doesn't match
Speaker 2: our family, you know. But yet it would be weird
Speaker 2: to just look at her at certain ages and go WHOA, yeah, no,
Speaker 2: I don't hear, and then don't see it.
Speaker 1: And on top of the neglect, you also mentioned that
Speaker 1: your mother used to severely beat you, to the point
Speaker 1: that CPS was called several times.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I now know that the beatings that I
Speaker 2: took was because she could not beat her abusers.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I felt the same way.
Speaker 2: She couldn't beat me. I mean, because I would literally
Speaker 2: get whooped and beat for nothing. Yeah, you're really beating
Speaker 2: me because a dish got left in the scene. No,
Speaker 2: let's be honest. You're beating me because that man in
Speaker 2: black and JOI and you can't fight him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when you were telling the story about her and
Speaker 1: her husband was the big time drug dealer and how
Speaker 1: she was going to like shoot him and then he
Speaker 1: took the gun and he pistol whip her, and I'm
Speaker 1: just like wow, like I can't even imagine because at
Speaker 1: this point, still she's still a child, or she's still
Speaker 1: probably under eighteen and just that much abuse. And then
Speaker 1: she came back.
Speaker 2: When that happened to her, I was twelve or thirteen,
Speaker 2: so she was probably twenty six twenty seven.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, okay, I mean but still yeah.
Speaker 2: Twenty four. Yeah, she had She was definitely under thirty.
Speaker 2: She was like in her mid twenties, which is a
Speaker 2: baby because this man is in his fifties. Wow, this man, Yeah,
Speaker 2: he was much he had children her age.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: Yeah, It's just it was traumatic. I mean, the beatings
Speaker 2: they were just it was just atrocious. I just I
Speaker 2: will never wrap my mind around how somebody could beat
Speaker 2: their child the way that I was beat When my
Speaker 2: daughter was little, when I would have to spank her
Speaker 2: because it was clear, Okay, we've had this conversation two, three,
Speaker 2: four times, and you're just doing what you want to do.
Speaker 2: You're being this obedient on purpose, and I would spank her,
Speaker 2: but we would have a conversation about what she had
Speaker 2: done wrong and why she needed a spanking, and even
Speaker 2: as I will pomper two or three times, I'd be
Speaker 2: sitting there.
Speaker 1: Crying, Yeah, Goda site, did you feel uncomfortable for her?
Speaker 2: I'm crying No. I don't want to inflict this money
Speaker 2: paying on my daughter. So thank god super Nanny and
Speaker 2: the nine one one came out when she was around four,
Speaker 2: so I was able to navigate and use mind manipulation
Speaker 2: and just put her in my lap. When then in
Speaker 2: ninet one one came on and I would show her
Speaker 2: these children and how misbehaved they were, and we would
Speaker 2: sit and we would watch it, and I would talk
Speaker 2: to her like, look at that child. She knows she
Speaker 2: out of order, her mammy to whoop her little but
Speaker 2: da da da da da da da, and I would
Speaker 2: plant those seeds. And planting those seeds helped her and
Speaker 2: even at that young age, be mindful of her behavior.
Speaker 2: And how you know, it was just there's certain things
Speaker 2: you do, certain things you don't do. Yeah, And it
Speaker 2: was so ingrained in her that when she started preschool,
Speaker 2: her teacher called up me and saying, this, your daughter,
Speaker 2: keep telling me to call And then in nine one one,
Speaker 2: that's because she knows that those kids are acting crazy,
Speaker 2: and that's not how we act at home.
Speaker 1: Right, you know? No, I just had an Aha moment.
Speaker 1: I feel like your daughter really save you because I
Speaker 1: feel like, as I'm hearing you speak about your daughter,
Speaker 1: I feel like you got a chance to mother yourself
Speaker 1: while being a mother to her.
Speaker 2: Yes. Yes, she definitely saved me in more ways than one.
Speaker 2: And it's like mothering her was a double edged sword.
Speaker 2: And I now know that. And I'll say this, backtrack
Speaker 2: for a minute, and God, in his infinite wisdom, this
Speaker 2: is how I know that he was upset with me
Speaker 2: when I got pregnant with my daughter. Before I got
Speaker 2: pregnant with my daughter, I had dated a man from
Speaker 2: age twelve. Shouldn't have been dating hm because he was nineteen.
Speaker 2: He had been to dating me, but I dated him
Speaker 2: for like eight nine years, dated him until my early twenties. Wow.
Speaker 2: He and I had been having unprotected sex for probably
Speaker 2: the last three or four years of our relationship. Never
Speaker 2: got pregnant, even though we both wanted for me to
Speaker 2: get pregnant, it never happened. My daughter's father, who I
Speaker 2: reconnected with after he came back from Guam, couldn't have kids,
Speaker 2: according to him, because he had been electrocuted too many times.
Speaker 2: Don't laugh at me. He told me that I believe
Speaker 2: that I was twenty twenty one. He told me he
Speaker 2: had been let you kidding too many times? How was it?
Speaker 1: I can't even get the question. Now, yep, it's one
Speaker 1: them man gonna do better. He gonna come up with
Speaker 1: something color for the tail.
Speaker 2: Honey. Now I laughed at it and go, girr. You
Speaker 2: was a fool. Yes, I was a fool. But and
Speaker 2: my family, my closest cousins, will tell you this because
Speaker 2: it was immediate the night that I got pregnant with
Speaker 2: my daughter, I felt it the minute that it happened,
Speaker 2: like conception was immediate. I knew it. I looked at him,
Speaker 2: Get off me, Get off me. You know what did
Speaker 2: I do? You said you couldn't have kids?
Speaker 3: Girl, I can't.
Speaker 2: We had just made one? What is he thought? I
Speaker 2: was nuts? Yeah?
Speaker 1: What did it feel like?
Speaker 2: And that's that's up until a few years ago, that
Speaker 2: story had one tone to it. And now that I
Speaker 2: know better spiritually, now I know that I know what
Speaker 2: was really happening because the only way that I could
Speaker 2: describe it to people was to say the only way
Speaker 2: for me to make you understand what this feels like,
Speaker 2: even though it probably has prayerfully has never happened to
Speaker 2: you is and it's a vulgar description, but I felt
Speaker 2: like my egg was getting gang raped. Oh wow, it
Speaker 2: felt traumatic. It did not feel good. It felt traumatic,
Speaker 2: and it felt like that for a good twenty four
Speaker 2: to forty eight hours. I was just I came home
Speaker 2: from Mississippi. Cousins wanted to take me. I'm like, no,
Speaker 2: you know, I was just angry. I just knew. And
Speaker 2: after a couple of days it transitioned from that feeling
Speaker 2: to just flutters, and I felt fluttered. After the first
Speaker 2: couple of days, I felt flutters until the day that
Speaker 2: she started kicking. So I was never not consciously aware
Speaker 2: of my daughter's existence from the minute, from the minute
Speaker 2: conception happened. I felt hurt every single day. Wow. And
Speaker 2: then I parented her the way that I parented her
Speaker 2: for eighteen years, and because I'm a seat year. When
Speaker 2: she was around thirteen twelve, thirteen years old, we started
Speaker 2: having some serious issues internally and then God started showing
Speaker 2: me visions. And the visions that God would show me
Speaker 2: was me turning forty, which was ironically the year that
Speaker 2: my daughter turned eighteen, and he would show me going
Speaker 2: in one direction and her going in another direction, and
Speaker 2: I never understood it, and I would always ask him, like, Iba,
Speaker 2: you showed me everything. I'm a seer, but you're not
Speaker 2: showing me all of this, and I have questions. And
Speaker 2: my main question is you keep showing me in front
Speaker 2: of these different audiences and ministering the gospel and preaching
Speaker 2: and doing this and doing that, which I didn't understand,
Speaker 2: wasn't ready to receive back then. But I knew what
Speaker 2: he was showing me, But why is my daughter never
Speaker 2: in the audience? Why is my baby never supporting me?
Speaker 2: And he would never answer the question. Fast forward to
Speaker 2: me taking my baby to college in August of twenty nineteen.
Speaker 2: October of twenty nineth, team, the tension that had been
Speaker 2: building up between us over the years just exploded. Because
Speaker 2: she was never a disrespectful child. Everybody in their mind
Speaker 2: loves this kid because she's just an amazing kid, empathic, sweet,
Speaker 2: can connect with anybody. So the explosion shocked the heck
Speaker 2: out of me. And what came out of it was
Speaker 2: our separation. And I remember going to God in tears,
Speaker 2: going I gave this child my life. Anybody who talks
Speaker 2: about my baby, or anybody who mentions me and my conversations,
Speaker 2: know that all I talked about was my baby. She
Speaker 2: was my world. I'm like God, my mother hating me
Speaker 2: should have been enough. Now, all of a sudden, this
Speaker 2: kid that I've given eighteen years to everything about my
Speaker 2: world was and now my daughter hates me. Why are
Speaker 2: you allowing this to happen? She was my world? And
Speaker 2: I kept saying she was my world, and he said,
Speaker 2: listen to what you just said. She was your world.
Speaker 2: You made her your idol. I could not get a
Speaker 2: leg in with you now that I have allowed the
Speaker 2: separation because I didn't cause it. This separation is not
Speaker 2: of me, but I allowed it to happen because I
Speaker 2: needed to get you by yourself for this season. Now
Speaker 2: that I have your attention, can I get some attention?
Speaker 2: Will you do what you said that you would do
Speaker 2: years ago, which was let me use you. I told
Speaker 2: you when you were a little girl that if you
Speaker 2: trusted me one day, I would use your voice. Now
Speaker 2: I'm asking you to trust me. Let me develop you,
Speaker 2: let me process you so that I can use you.
Speaker 2: Because I couldn't get a leg in edgewise with you
Speaker 2: between your daughter, right, and I just balled, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, So you never showed me why she
Speaker 2: was never in the audience. You never told me because
Speaker 2: you felt like I would have tried to change it.
Speaker 2: He said, yes, you would have. He said, the separation
Speaker 2: is hurtful, but it's necessary for me to get you
Speaker 2: in position for what I caused you for. And that
Speaker 2: my dear was in twenty nineteen and it is now
Speaker 2: twenty twenty three, and I can tell you now that
Speaker 2: I completely understand why he allowed what he allowed, even
Speaker 2: though he would have not liked it to have happened.
Speaker 2: I understand what he has allowed, and it has helped
Speaker 2: me to understand what was happening during her conception.
Speaker 3: Right, it goes.
Speaker 2: It took me back to her conception, and it's like
Speaker 2: he was upset my choice to lay with the man
Speaker 2: who was not my husband, to put myself in a
Speaker 2: position to get pregnant. God knew back then that I
Speaker 2: was derailing my destiny. Wow, And so now I tell
Speaker 2: people I want on an eighteen year detour, and I've
Speaker 2: been back on this path for four years. And the
Speaker 2: way that he has propelled me from twenty nineteen to now.
Speaker 2: I was supposed to be doing this time.
Speaker 3: My God, right, God, My God, My God.
Speaker 1: So what's your relationship like with your daughter? Now?
Speaker 2: My baby and I still don't talk. It's because she
Speaker 2: won't talk to me, and my baby is struggling with
Speaker 2: the spirit, and it's what her generation is dealing with.
Speaker 2: She says that she's not a girl, she's a boy.
Speaker 2: She's transgender. And what I try to get people to
Speaker 2: understand is I'm not upset because my daughter wants to
Speaker 2: be a boy. I'm not upset because my daughter doesn't.
Speaker 2: It fell out of the image that I have for her.
Speaker 2: What bothers me is I know who my daughter is
Speaker 2: in Christ, I know what her anointing is, and I
Speaker 2: know that all the enemy is doing is distorting her
Speaker 2: anointing because he does not want her to manifest. This
Speaker 2: is the child who was ten, eleven, and twelve years
Speaker 2: old going to church getting in trouble because the youth
Speaker 2: pastors didn't think that she was paying attention, and they
Speaker 2: would try to embarrass her and ask her or recite
Speaker 2: what they had just preached, and by their own admission,
Speaker 2: she would preach their messages better than they would at
Speaker 2: eleven and twelve years old. So I know that my
Speaker 2: baby is spiritually gifted and anointed my mother, even though
Speaker 2: she doesn't operate in it because of her trauma and
Speaker 2: the demons that she's entertaining. My mother is a prophetic seer.
Speaker 2: I'm a prophetic seer. I know what's on me, and
Speaker 2: I know that what's my daughter is even more magnified
Speaker 2: than what's me. This girl came out of a woman anointed,
Speaker 2: even though I wasn't supposed to. It wasn't in God's will.
Speaker 2: The child came out anointed. She's always been different. She's
Speaker 2: just always been the one that could reach everybody. And
Speaker 2: what better way to keep her from manifesting than to
Speaker 2: distort her identity? And that is my issue, is that
Speaker 2: the enemy has convinced my baby that she is not
Speaker 2: who God says she is. So that's the problem that
Speaker 2: I have with it.
Speaker 1: So do you think that people can be born transgender?
Speaker 2: People are not born transgender. What the issue is is
Speaker 2: that people are born with spirits attached to them. And
Speaker 2: this is why. In the video that I posted today
Speaker 2: in a group that I have, it talks about how
Speaker 2: we have to make sure that we call out the
Speaker 2: generational covenants and curses that are on blood lines when
Speaker 2: we get ready to have kids, and we have to
Speaker 2: figure out when we're recording someone, let's go over your
Speaker 2: family history. Let's figure out what's attached to your family
Speaker 2: that has not been broken, because I don't want to
Speaker 2: deal with this in a kid ten fifteen years down
Speaker 2: the line. And I'm like nobody in my family, at
Speaker 2: least at that point, nobody in my family had been
Speaker 2: dealing with that issue to that degree that I knew of.
Speaker 2: And God took me back to my daughter's father. My
Speaker 2: daughter's father shared something with me when he came back
Speaker 2: from Guama, and he was telling me that he had
Speaker 2: been in a relationship with a woman that he was
Speaker 2: in love with and he found out after the fact
Speaker 2: that she was a man. Yes, and his personality is
Speaker 2: much like my daughters. They're sweet, they're empathic, He's a
Speaker 2: perfect Southern gentleman. So I understand how sex didn easily
Speaker 2: come into the picture with this woman that was actually
Speaker 2: a man, and he fell in love with her before
Speaker 2: it actually came to that, and once it went once
Speaker 2: he tried to get it to go there and he
Speaker 2: found out the truth, he was conflicted, like, I'm in
Speaker 2: love with this woman, but this woman is a man.
Speaker 2: So it was an emotional soul type that was formed.
Speaker 2: He had inadvertently entered into a covenant with that spirit
Speaker 2: and then right after he gets home, we end up
Speaker 2: coming together. And so now that spirit has transferred to
Speaker 2: my child and manifested twelve thirteen years down the line.
Speaker 2: It was that spirit that transparence. Wow. And it is
Speaker 2: exactly why I tell people, even when kids like my
Speaker 2: brother get adopted out of the family, the familial stuff
Speaker 2: still comes up. Yeah, because it's that Lenny is attached
Speaker 2: to the line's those amounted curses and covenants are still
Speaker 2: attached until somebody decides to break them. Right, Deliverance is
Speaker 2: what needs to happen. But the Black Church, especially has
Speaker 2: gotten so far away from deliverance ministries that it's not funny.
Speaker 2: And that's where our healing lies. Wow.
Speaker 1: This concludes part one of this week's episode. Stay tuned
Speaker 1: for part two, which will be out next week. And
Speaker 1: I cannot wait for you all to hear because we
Speaker 1: dive even deeper into my guest story and I know
Speaker 1: y'all probably like, girl, how do Can we go? But
Speaker 1: I'm telling y'all it is really good. Don't forget to
Speaker 1: connect with me on social media at the Professional Homegirl
Speaker 1: on Instagram TikTok and subscribe to my YouTube channel at
Speaker 1: the Professional Homegirl. And if you want to key key
Speaker 1: about this week's episode, please make sure to follow me
Speaker 1: at the PG podcast on Instagram as well. Be sure
Speaker 1: to check out my new project title They All, the
Speaker 1: one where I write short stories based on true events
Speaker 1: for my love life. You can check that out at
Speaker 1: www dot t h e y A l l t
Speaker 1: h e o n e dot com. Until next time,
Speaker 1: everyone Later. The Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of
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