Speaker 1: Text you will heal then textual.
Speaker 2: You know, most people have ten fingers, but if there's
Speaker 2: an emergency and you need an eleventh to get the
Speaker 2: job done texting, of course, then you've come to the
Speaker 2: right place.
Speaker 3: With textual healing you need, we're the finger we are if.
Speaker 1: You haven't heard it before.
Speaker 2: It's basically our way to help out our listeners who
Speaker 2: need a little bit of advice on what to say
Speaker 2: in a text conversation. And so, who's today's honored guest
Speaker 2: that needs our magical eleventh finger?
Speaker 1: But her name is Valerie. Valerie, welcome to the show.
Speaker 3: Hi, She's not creeped out by it. It doesn't matter
Speaker 3: what finger you need.
Speaker 2: So Valerie, tell us a little bit about a situation
Speaker 2: that you're dealing with and how we can help heal
Speaker 2: you textually of course.
Speaker 4: Well I'm going to need the healing. So I met
Speaker 4: this guy Tom at a happy hour. He's my friend's coworker,
Speaker 4: and you know, he was a nice guy and everything.
Speaker 3: I mean.
Speaker 4: I wasn't necessarily attracted to him, but I guess my
Speaker 4: friend thought it was a good idea to give him
Speaker 4: my number when he asked for it. So what happens
Speaker 4: gave him your number, yes, without asking my permission, and
Speaker 4: then I got a random test.
Speaker 1: Okay, oh yeah, that's always What did he say?
Speaker 4: So he asked me out? I was like my initial
Speaker 4: thought was like, that was really nice. But I know
Speaker 4: this sounds kind of shallow, but I'm really cute, Like
Speaker 4: I'm hot. I get a lot of guys after me,
Speaker 4: so I'm I'm used to it, and he's not really
Speaker 4: my type. So I kind of wanted to blow him off,
Speaker 4: and then I just waved possible.
Speaker 3: You could have just led with he's not my type.
Speaker 3: The confidence I do and I like that, but we
Speaker 3: probably don't need to tell him that, like I'm hotter
Speaker 3: than you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so is that what you need our help with
Speaker 2: to let him down?
Speaker 4: Well, I guess a little deeper. So I decided to
Speaker 4: just lie to him. I don't want to be like, hey,
Speaker 4: you're a few years older than me, I'm not really
Speaker 4: into you. You have a receiving hair lying.
Speaker 3: Did you say, alexis is that brutal? No?
Speaker 4: I wouldn't say it to him. Yeah, No, I just
Speaker 4: went the route of like, oh, I'm really sick, maybe
Speaker 4: some other time. And then a week later, like clockwork,
Speaker 4: he messaged me again and asked me for drinks for
Speaker 4: this upcoming weekend.
Speaker 3: So, yeah, I think you're getting confused with like calling
Speaker 3: sick for work and date.
Speaker 4: Well, I took whatever excuse I could think of, because
Speaker 4: you know, I thought that was the easier way out.
Speaker 4: And now I'm just in a little deep because I
Speaker 4: I told him that a family member passed away and
Speaker 4: I'd be out of town for the funeral. What.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, So first you were sick and now
Speaker 3: somebody's dead.
Speaker 4: It happened right all the next you're in jail.
Speaker 1: The hurricane's happening. I can't so we're doing damage control.
Speaker 4: Then, well it gets more complicated, guys.
Speaker 1: Oh no, boy, what happened?
Speaker 4: Oh well, so I guessed my friend and I was like,
Speaker 4: here's what's going on. I like this guy, like he's
Speaker 4: a nice dive, but he's not really my type. And
Speaker 4: she's like, well he's really really rich.
Speaker 3: Oh like just a heads up that changes things.
Speaker 4: And then I did what every girl would do and
Speaker 4: just googled his name, and I found out that he's
Speaker 4: the heir to a huge fortune, Like the company his
Speaker 4: grandfather started has been around like I don't know a
Speaker 4: hundred years or something like that.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, relating hairline just got hot. Yeah.
Speaker 4: So it's actually a company that like anybody that went
Speaker 4: into a rosary store, Like you guys have seen this
Speaker 4: company a million times. I almost fell off my chair
Speaker 4: when I read this, so of course I was like,
Speaker 4: oh my god, what did I you So.
Speaker 2: After you found out that now he's super rich, now
Speaker 2: you're interested.
Speaker 4: So now I'm totally interested.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: Wait, so like, now now you can be attracted to him. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it works like that, broke I know sounds it doesn't
Speaker 3: work like that in my head. Okay, So we're moving
Speaker 3: forward to.
Speaker 1: Money is an attractive thing. Yeah, apparently power well, but you.
Speaker 3: Still have to have sex with it. Like I don't know,
Speaker 3: close your eyes. It just it doesn't work for me,
Speaker 3: but it works for you.
Speaker 4: And I just want to say something. He's not the
Speaker 4: worst guy I've ever seen, Like, he's not that bad, okay,
Speaker 4: but the money took him to another level. You girls
Speaker 4: don't have to talk about anyway, doesn't I got you?
Speaker 4: So I made it even worse and I tested him
Speaker 4: again and I was like, oh my god, you won't
Speaker 4: believe it. My aunt woke up in the coffin, and
Speaker 4: I'll what.
Speaker 1: Wow, oh so now you're free? Just kidding, She's fine.
Speaker 3: But you honestly told that my aunt woke up.
Speaker 1: In the coffin.
Speaker 4: I even used the emoji oh wow.
Speaker 3: Often that family is burying their aunt alive.
Speaker 1: That's what I want to know. How does he respond
Speaker 1: to that text?
Speaker 4: He actually hasn't responded yet. Yeah, it's really dumb. And
Speaker 4: I really want to go on a date. And now
Speaker 4: I got myself in trouble. I have no idea what
Speaker 4: to say him. Why you guys hopefully will be my saviors.
Speaker 2: Oh wow, wow, you have dug us a giant hole
Speaker 2: to crawl out of.
Speaker 3: But we're doing a follow up text and my aunt
Speaker 3: woke up in a coffin.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I mean I think you just need to
Speaker 2: get his sympathy back now and be like, oh, actually
Speaker 2: she died again, so funerals back on.
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: No, honestly, I think you probably at this point just
Speaker 2: need to own up to what you've done and just
Speaker 2: say that like it was a joke.
Speaker 3: That's what I was thinking. I was thinking, a joke. Sorry,
Speaker 3: just say sorry. I have a dark sense of humor
Speaker 3: or something.
Speaker 1: Sorry, bad joke. You know, but it's so random. It
Speaker 1: sounds like a joke. It does, yeah, like you can
Speaker 1: get away.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, actually, that's that's what I was thinking
Speaker 4: of texting. But I needed your confirmation to know it
Speaker 4: was okay to say that.
Speaker 2: Just what sorry, bad joke and like maybe like a
Speaker 2: like a sideways sideways.
Speaker 3: Face okay okay, And you could even add that was
Speaker 3: a lot funnier in my head, do you know what
Speaker 3: I mean? M Because I think everyone can understand when
Speaker 3: you send a joke via text that you think is
Speaker 3: going to be really funny, and even when you reread it,
Speaker 3: you're like, oh god, yeah.
Speaker 5: Well and somebody knew, like if it was like one
Speaker 5: of your besties, you totally they know your sense of
Speaker 5: humor totally sending that.
Speaker 4: Oh I sent it, I send it already, ski.
Speaker 6: Okay okay, so now we wait, all right, well that's good.
Speaker 6: Now this is at least he can you know, just say, well, okay, it.
Speaker 2: Is I'll say, ha ha ha weird weird read on
Speaker 2: your humor right now, but that's okay.
Speaker 4: I'm sorry to interrupt you guys that wait, there's dus already.
Speaker 1: Okay, he's texting back.
Speaker 3: Whoa he didn't repay to the first.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. Oh my god, he said, wait
Speaker 4: where you're joking that your aunt woke up in the
Speaker 4: coffin or that she died.
Speaker 3: Just say just say all of it, all of it,
Speaker 3: all of it.
Speaker 2: Know you think, Yeah, I'm a huge liar. You can't
Speaker 2: trust anything I said.
Speaker 5: No, No, you want to say she was in the hospital,
Speaker 5: but she's one hundred percent better now, you never mind.
Speaker 1: Just say I'm joking about her waking up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, would say that the dead ant like if.
Speaker 1: They still free, Yeah, you can.
Speaker 2: You can at least get a date if you still
Speaker 2: have a dead aunt. You can't get a date. If
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, I joked.
Speaker 3: About the whole I know you want to date if
Speaker 3: you haven't done, so what what if you just don't
Speaker 3: go into specifics about what you were joking about. Just say, no,
Speaker 3: the aunt waking up, but I am free this weekend.
Speaker 2: Just move it past to the next part of the conversation.
Speaker 2: Trying not to stick too long. I didn't think of that, Valerie,
Speaker 2: What do you think?
Speaker 4: No, I think that sounds good, because like, I'm not
Speaker 4: going to do well if he keeps trying to get details.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what brand of coffin did she wake up in?
Speaker 5: I just bought the company.
Speaker 4: Okay, so I wrote I was joking about the waking
Speaker 4: up part. Anyway, turned out I'm free this weekend, okay.
Speaker 3: Smiley face.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, so that suns out. We need to
Speaker 1: go to break real quick. So we're going to play
Speaker 1: a song.
Speaker 2: We'll come back and see how millionaire billionaire Tom responds
Speaker 2: when we do more textual healing. Next, we're in the
Speaker 2: middle of textual healing with one of our listeners named Valerie,
Speaker 2: and she's trying to get a date with a guy
Speaker 2: that she's kind of blown off twice already, but then
Speaker 2: she found out that he's loaded into the air to
Speaker 2: a mega fortune. Apparently that's her number one love language.
Speaker 2: So right now she's trying to back out of the
Speaker 2: second excuse that she used, which was her aunt passed
Speaker 2: away tragically. Yeah, so we're in the middle of backing
Speaker 2: out of that, and the last text that she sent
Speaker 2: she said she was joking about her family member waking
Speaker 2: up in a coffin. Oh yeah, but said, hey, I'm
Speaker 2: still down to clown this weekend. Don't know if that's
Speaker 2: really the best way to handle this. But you know what,
Speaker 2: let's see if the guy responded Valerie, has he sent
Speaker 2: anything back?
Speaker 3: He did? Okay, god, okay, we ended on a real
Speaker 3: big positive that you were free.
Speaker 4: Yeah. Well, he's very curious because he's like, okay, question mark,
Speaker 4: question mark, question mark. So what happened to the funeral?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Why would he ask that? Why? Why did you have
Speaker 3: to tell you? Why couldn't you have just said you're busy,
Speaker 3: like every other human on the planet would have said.
Speaker 2: And get those handles like me, you want to get
Speaker 2: a time machine and reverse and go back and read
Speaker 2: she sent me. Look, I think we're dealing with the
Speaker 2: air to a mega fortune here. So during the break,
Speaker 2: I actually looked up how to attract a rich guy
Speaker 2: and lots of dating experts wait in But I liked
Speaker 2: one comment from plug but sixty two, who said get
Speaker 2: a boob job.
Speaker 3: They always tell me that, I'm like, do I have to?
Speaker 3: No better ways are out?
Speaker 2: But seriously, one of the experts really said, rich men
Speaker 2: like sensible women who have other things going on in
Speaker 2: their lives besides just dating.
Speaker 3: Like funerals with.
Speaker 2: Funerals, taking a class, you know, being social with their
Speaker 2: other friends.
Speaker 1: Et cetera.
Speaker 2: So, Valerie, do you have any hobbies or sensibilities you
Speaker 2: could like weave into this conversation.
Speaker 3: Is this like pride and prejudice?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're dealing with rich elite men.
Speaker 3: Okay, they give what's a rich man?
Speaker 1: I've never had, Valerie.
Speaker 4: I mean I do like rock climbing, and I mean
Speaker 4: I could actually say, hey, that's how my aunt died.
Speaker 1: Oh no, okay, we.
Speaker 3: Need to be the past and you just you just
Speaker 3: have to say the funeral.
Speaker 1: Valors that she was joking.
Speaker 3: I can't.
Speaker 6: She was seventy four. That's why she's got a very dry,
Speaker 6: very raw sense of Yeah.
Speaker 1: I like it, Valerie, it's not good.
Speaker 3: Well, you have to address the funeral first, right in
Speaker 3: the sex. You have to say the funeral got moved.
Speaker 3: Just leave up general.
Speaker 4: I was actually thinking maybe I can tell them the
Speaker 4: funerals at noon and I'm free, like later in the
Speaker 4: day or at night.
Speaker 3: I feel like most people wouldn't want to take you
Speaker 3: out on a date after you've been crying.
Speaker 2: Fun people would like to go out on a date
Speaker 2: after a fun wear a little black dressed to both
Speaker 2: oh yes, sexy.
Speaker 3: Like a time Yeah, like oh, the funerals earlier than
Speaker 3: I thought. I can still make it. Okay, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 3: I like that when you lie, you don't want to
Speaker 3: give specifics because then you're gonna have to remember specifics
Speaker 3: and that's bad.
Speaker 4: Well, this is why I'm coming to you, guys. Okay,
Speaker 4: clearly I'm not good at this, so I can just
Speaker 4: say the funerals earlier in the day, I'm actually free
Speaker 4: at night.
Speaker 3: Just say earlier than I thought. I'm still free to
Speaker 3: go out Saturday night.
Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, the funerals earlier than I thought. I'm actually
Speaker 4: free that night.
Speaker 2: And kissing emoji no, okay, okay, drink drink emoji, Martini
Speaker 2: glass emoji.
Speaker 3: I don't think any emojis.
Speaker 4: Okay, did you did that one?
Speaker 3: It would be double smiling.
Speaker 1: Did you put an emoji on that Valerie?
Speaker 4: I didn't. I feel like I said emojis for like everything.
Speaker 3: Dancing girl over the top of the.
Speaker 2: When she uses emoji, pil clothes on the floor, emoji everything. Okay,
Speaker 2: We're going to wait to see if he responds, but
Speaker 2: I'm in the meantime, Jose, what's your strategy?
Speaker 1: How do you get a rich girl? Rich girl?
Speaker 5: I have no idea I get younger girls that are
Speaker 5: broke and that have no self esteem.
Speaker 1: Okay, oh you don't.
Speaker 5: I couldn't even try if I wanted yourself from their phone.
Speaker 6: I'm a comedian and they're like, oh gross ones.
Speaker 5: Remember I asked her out the artist Lizzo and she
Speaker 5: was like, oh, you're a comedian.
Speaker 6: Y'all talk about your girlfriends on stage, which is true.
Speaker 3: Yeah, are you trying to talk to us?
Speaker 6: Sorry?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Oh my god, Oh my god,
Speaker 4: oh my god.
Speaker 3: What did he write back?
Speaker 4: Yeah? So he goes, I'm actually jetting out Saturday afternoon.
Speaker 4: I'll be gone for a month, but I wouldn't mind
Speaker 4: going with you to the funeral to offer some support.
Speaker 3: This guy will not get off of the funeral get
Speaker 3: on that jet.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: Okay, he taught her and he wants proof.
Speaker 1: He suspects something, and he's like.
Speaker 3: No, no, your family is really private. Your family is
Speaker 3: very private. They are weird, weird religious sect that doesn't
Speaker 3: allow people into the inner circle.
Speaker 2: No details, super.
Speaker 3: I mean, he can't come. Your your aunt would disapprove.
Speaker 4: Funerals everyone's allowed to or anything.
Speaker 3: No, you don't take a date to a funeral. Tell
Speaker 3: him that's tacky.
Speaker 4: I really feel like I need to connect with him
Speaker 4: though before he leaves, or like that'll be it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay, what are you gonna do kill your aunt
Speaker 3: so that there's a funeral this weekend?
Speaker 4: That's not a terrible idea, Like not the killing my
Speaker 4: aunt part, But what if I just take him to
Speaker 4: like a funeral, like I'll find some you know, old
Speaker 4: lady who passed away. I'll go there for five minutes,
Speaker 4: like I'll start crying, I'll dress all of black all that,
Speaker 4: and then we leave and then they'll just like make
Speaker 4: out because he's gonna console me. And next thing, I'm
Speaker 4: engaged to a billionaire.
Speaker 3: I'm kind of for this.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then you don't.
Speaker 2: It's not like you have to go and talk to
Speaker 2: anybody or give a speech at the funeral.
Speaker 1: You just have to pop in real quickly, Like I can't.
Speaker 4: I can't.
Speaker 1: I love her too much. I have to leave. Put
Speaker 1: on your nose makeup that day.
Speaker 4: Wear sunglasses. I do, wear like really big sunglasses, and
Speaker 4: like stay in the back and be like, oh, I
Speaker 4: can't tell anybody in my family. Is too hard?
Speaker 1: Are you sure you don't want to just kill your
Speaker 1: rand It might be.
Speaker 3: Easy you're going to funeral crash. I mean at one point,
Speaker 3: you know, a lot of people may be offended by that,
Speaker 3: But if it was at my funeral, I'd be cool
Speaker 3: with it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: If I was the dead one, I think it'd be cool.
Speaker 2: Especially if a billionaire shows up to your funeral. That
Speaker 2: makes me look extra.
Speaker 3: Important because it just adds a little mystery to the
Speaker 3: person's life who just died.
Speaker 5: I'm not the only one getting stiffed do here.
Speaker 2: I mean, I hate to say this, I'm kind of
Speaker 2: coming around on this idea that you just go to
Speaker 2: a random funeral.
Speaker 4: I think this is just the easiest thing. Guys, Like,
Speaker 4: I've dug myself in this hole and no pun intended,
Speaker 4: and I really don't want to risk losing him, Like
Speaker 4: before he goes away, I need to see him and
Speaker 4: like stay in his mind, because he can go off
Speaker 4: and just meet someone else and forget about me, Okay,
Speaker 4: and I don't want that.
Speaker 3: Okay, when you're looking at the obituaries, just find someone
Speaker 3: who like seems fun loving at least.
Speaker 4: Okay. I mean, what do you guys think if I
Speaker 4: just say I think I might like that?
Speaker 3: Is this a moral thing that we shouldn't cross into bad.
Speaker 2: There's nothing bad about attending somebody's funeral more than talk
Speaker 2: to anybody.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 6: If she can like not finesse.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you gotta find someone that's well loved though, so
Speaker 3: there's lots of people there to show.
Speaker 2: Up at a lonely person, all right, So I mean
Speaker 2: I think you have our support, Valerie, to go out.
Speaker 2: Just find a funeral, attend it for a couple of minutes,
Speaker 2: and then and then.
Speaker 1: Just go on your date with mister billionaire.
Speaker 3: If you give us an update, yes, I like that.
Speaker 6: We need it.
Speaker 1: Or national news and we'll get an update. Yes, come
Speaker 1: back and tell us what happened.
Speaker 4: I promise I will let you know what happens. I
Speaker 4: will keep you updated because.
Speaker 3: It's a big Okay, right now, just text him, okay,
Speaker 3: I'll send you the info later. Plan on it Saturday morning.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: He wants to go to a funeral Brooke and Jeffrey
Speaker 3: in the morning.