Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you back for another episode. Today, we're going to
Speaker 1: be talking about anger, one of our most primal human
Speaker 1: emotions that I think it's neglected a lot in our
Speaker 1: conversations around mental health and kind of the spectrum of
Speaker 1: feelings that we have every day. Anger is such, I think,
Speaker 1: a hidden private experience for a lot of us, something
Speaker 1: to be kind of concealed behind politeness and cities, something
Speaker 1: to be suppressed. You know. We're told that it's a
Speaker 1: very ugly emotion, something that needs to be controlled, and
Speaker 1: then it holds us back, and I think, yes, maybe
Speaker 1: that is true. But anger is also a really important
Speaker 1: emotional cue, and it also shows up in a lot
Speaker 1: of our daily interactions. We are angry at a friend
Speaker 1: for letting us down, at a coworker for messing something up,
Speaker 1: or a partner for a past mistake that we just
Speaker 1: can't let go of. There is a lot of invisible
Speaker 1: anger inside. I think a lot of us anger that
Speaker 1: lives below the surface and probably has done for a
Speaker 1: long time. And like I said, we're really good at
Speaker 1: accepting our kind of pretty and romanticized emotions like happiness
Speaker 1: or even grief, even melancholy, But rage and fury they
Speaker 1: seem to be left out. And I think I spent
Speaker 1: quite a lot of time, quite a few years in
Speaker 1: my early twenties kind of ruled by anger in ways
Speaker 1: that I didn't realize. I was angry at the world.
Speaker 1: I was angry at people who had overlooked me, or
Speaker 1: hurt me, or who had been cruel to me, because
Speaker 1: really it was easier to feel anger than admit how
Speaker 1: insecure those experiences had made me. And I think I
Speaker 1: thought that being angry almost made me tough. And I
Speaker 1: let that feeling really make a lot of decisions for me.
Speaker 1: I let it be projected onto people who didn't deserve that.
Speaker 1: I let it turn to misery. And I wish that
Speaker 1: I had known what I know now. So let's share
Speaker 1: everything to do with the psychology behind anger and what
Speaker 1: psychology has to say about this misguided and misjudged feeling.
Speaker 1: I feel like we don't need a definition of anger.
Speaker 1: Every human, even every animal, knows the feeling, the hot feeling,
Speaker 1: the pressure in the chest, the twitching hands, that kind
Speaker 1: of building urge to react and to scream. Anger is
Speaker 1: one of our most primal, rudimentary emotions. It is an
Speaker 1: emotion that mobilizes the body for action. It mobilizes our
Speaker 1: fight or flight response, and that is what means that
Speaker 1: it allows us to survive in response to a perceived
Speaker 1: threat or a perceived injustice. These kinds of primal emotions
Speaker 1: always really fascinate me because we have evolved so much
Speaker 1: from being these creatures who are only ruled and driven
Speaker 1: by survival and instinct. We're no longer out hunting in
Speaker 1: the wilderness or fighting, you know, neighboring tribes. Maybe we
Speaker 1: are in some senses, but our society has really evolved
Speaker 1: to make sure we are all kind of prim and proper,
Speaker 1: and we are suppressing these really raw emotions, and yet
Speaker 1: they're still there. They haven't dissolved or disappeared with increased sophistication.
Speaker 1: Society is just asking us to hide it. So the
Speaker 1: main theory is that anger comes from primarily feeling threatened,
Speaker 1: feeling powerless, or that there is some part of who
Speaker 1: you are what you stand for that has been trespart.
Speaker 1: So this article published in twenty seventeen, called anger is
Speaker 1: a basic emotion and its role and personality. It describes
Speaker 1: it really well. Our anger serves as an internal sign
Speaker 1: that there is an obstacle or aversive situation that has
Speaker 1: crossed an emotional or physical boundary that we need to
Speaker 1: respond to. And our anger is one of the only
Speaker 1: emotions that is strong enough to get us to that
Speaker 1: point of acting. And this kind of relates to another
Speaker 1: dimension of anger, which is that it can and is
Speaker 1: often a secondary emotion. Let me explain that a little
Speaker 1: bit further. Our anger often masks a much more vulnerable
Speaker 1: feeling that we are not quite ready to confront yet.
Speaker 1: It masks our fear, It masks our hurt, It masks
Speaker 1: our disappointment, how powerless we feel. If you've ever been
Speaker 1: so angry that you've cried, you'll know that, really well,
Speaker 1: that is the true emotion, the sadness, the disappointment bubbling up,
Speaker 1: and sometimes anger is less complicated than the emotion that
Speaker 1: we really want to express. It's less complicated in the
Speaker 1: situation we're in, and so we hide behind our rage.
Speaker 1: Our anger is what makes us act when fear or
Speaker 1: sadness or disappointment can't. And as it wears off, it
Speaker 1: reveals what is truly at the root of that wrath,
Speaker 1: that we are actually just really fragile, gentle creatures who
Speaker 1: have been hurt. Maybe you are not angry as a person,
Speaker 1: Maybe you just have a really delicate soul that's been
Speaker 1: crossed a few too many times and you've reverted to
Speaker 1: what feels easier. And when we see anger in any form,
Speaker 1: regardless of its origin, psychologists can kind of broadly categorize
Speaker 1: it into three different types. Firstly, we have hasty and
Speaker 1: sudden anger, and this is really connected to like the
Speaker 1: impulse for self preservation. So it occurs when we feel
Speaker 1: really trapped in a situation all life. Something has just
Speaker 1: pushed us to the point of explosion. It's very episodic
Speaker 1: in nature. It comes from these brief, uncontrollable bursts, but
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that it hasn't been building up for
Speaker 1: a while. Maybe this anger has been simmering, just waiting
Speaker 1: for the final catalyst, the straw that breaks the Camel's back.
Speaker 1: Then we have settled and deliberate anger, and this is
Speaker 1: a reaction to a deliberate harm from someone else, something
Speaker 1: that is perhaps long term. It's anger that simmers, that settles,
Speaker 1: anger that creates actions that are less impulsive like hasty anger,
Speaker 1: and more calculated. And then finally we have disposition or anger.
Speaker 1: I think we all know people that are just angrier
Speaker 1: than others. They have that like fiery gene, and this
Speaker 1: dispositional anger is related more to an innate character trait
Speaker 1: than to instincts or cognitions. This also brings me to
Speaker 1: a really important point. Like I said, there are some
Speaker 1: people who are just angrier than others, and there is
Speaker 1: actually a disorder for this called intermittent explosive disorder, and
Speaker 1: this is really related to our ability to control our impulses.
Speaker 1: When we are unable to do that, the behavior that
Speaker 1: we might exhibit is these repeated angry outbursts our failure
Speaker 1: to control our aggressive impulses. And normally it's not something
Speaker 1: that we want to do. It just feels like this
Speaker 1: explosion that has come out of nowhere, and normally the
Speaker 1: reaction is also very much out of proportion to the event.
Speaker 1: That sparked that rage. This is obviously an extreme you know,
Speaker 1: it is like a diagnosable disorder, but I think it
Speaker 1: does go to show how anger is in one way
Speaker 1: an emotion. For others it can become a personality trait,
Speaker 1: and then for others it can be a disordered part
Speaker 1: of who they are and how the world sees them,
Speaker 1: how they see the world. So when we feel any
Speaker 1: of these types of anger, though, something really unique happens
Speaker 1: in our brain. There are entire regions devoted to processing
Speaker 1: this feeling. And the reason that anger feels so fiery
Speaker 1: is because firstly, it's almost entirely automatic and out of
Speaker 1: our control. And secondly, it activates this part of our
Speaker 1: brain known as the amygdala, one of the oldest parts
Speaker 1: of our brain, perhaps the most primal. It's nestled deep
Speaker 1: in there, right in the middle of our limbic system,
Speaker 1: and it is what is responsible for some of our
Speaker 1: most instinctual feelings, the ones that are going to ensure
Speaker 1: that you survive, and those big ones are fear and anger.
Speaker 1: Fear and anger, our ability to detect danger and respond
Speaker 1: are intrinsically linked, sometimes hard to distinguish. It almost feels
Speaker 1: like anger is fear in a more of like a
Speaker 1: hidden form. Instead of wanting to show that we're scared,
Speaker 1: we show that we are like dangerous, or we show
Speaker 1: that we are angry. I think what's definitely true is
Speaker 1: that when this part of the brain takes over, the
Speaker 1: unconscious rational part of us tends to switch off. Anger,
Speaker 1: as has been shown in a lot of research, causes
Speaker 1: a reduction in our cognitive abilities and basically our ability
Speaker 1: to accurately process external stimuli. We don't tend to think
Speaker 1: straight anymore. We face a bunch of distortions to our
Speaker 1: reasoning abilities. For example, like we might see something and overreact,
Speaker 1: or we might see something and attribute blame to someone
Speaker 1: else when in fact it is not their fault. And
Speaker 1: I think this can create a feedback loop where as
Speaker 1: our cognitions become more distorted, we're less able to see clearly.
Speaker 1: The more blame we place on others, the more angry
Speaker 1: that we feel. And I think it's at that point
Speaker 1: when we sometimes see people do things that they normally
Speaker 1: really wouldn't do that is not within their normal personality traits.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they didn't do it. They are
Speaker 1: still accountable, but a lot of the time, they are
Speaker 1: acting from a point of blind rage, and I think
Speaker 1: that brings me to my main point. We don't know
Speaker 1: what to do with our anger. We don't know how
Speaker 1: to process it, whether we should forgive, how to forgive,
Speaker 1: whether we should lash out, who we should tell, how
Speaker 1: to get rid of this feeling, And so we suppress
Speaker 1: the emotion, we let it show up in less than
Speaker 1: ideal ways. It may also be because of how you
Speaker 1: have come to see anger in the past, you've come
Speaker 1: to see it as an emotion that we should avoid.
Speaker 1: This often can be attributed to maybe being raised by
Speaker 1: really angry parents or seeing anger from a previous partner.
Speaker 1: We can see in those moments how ugly it can be,
Speaker 1: especially when it has total control over someone. It may
Speaker 1: also be that as a child, you are not given
Speaker 1: permission to express emotions like anger or rage in a
Speaker 1: safe space. You were punished for being frustrated or rightfully
Speaker 1: angry angry in response to your boundaries being crossed. You
Speaker 1: are not given access to your full emotional bandwidth. So
Speaker 1: anytime you feel anger now as an adult, you associate
Speaker 1: it with the shame and the punishment you received as
Speaker 1: a child, or we vow not to be like the
Speaker 1: person who has let anger control them in our past.
Speaker 1: We know how much it hurts, We know how much
Speaker 1: it harms those around us, we are told, and we
Speaker 1: know that anger is bad and therefore to feel it
Speaker 1: would make us bad, and so we push it down.
Speaker 1: We begin to believe that to feel anger makes us
Speaker 1: purely an angry person and nothing more. When we fear
Speaker 1: any kind of emotional reaction, it naturally leads to avoidance,
Speaker 1: and that is what causes us to suppress a feeling,
Speaker 1: treat it like it's somewhat diseased. However, our body can
Speaker 1: really only hold on to an emotion for so long,
Speaker 1: you know. Eventually we run out of like cognitive resources
Speaker 1: and cognitive strength to hold it down, so we end
Speaker 1: up exploding. And the reason we end up exploding is
Speaker 1: often totally unrelated to the origin of our anger. This
Speaker 1: is what Freud called displacement, and displacement is part of
Speaker 1: our unconscious defense mechanisms, in which we project and find
Speaker 1: a new object for our anger rather than the original cause.
Speaker 1: It is why you may be really angry at your
Speaker 1: roommates or really angry at your younger sibling, but then
Speaker 1: you end up snapping at someone on the internet, or
Speaker 1: you end up like picking a fight with your partner.
Speaker 1: This is just your body trying to find a way
Speaker 1: to let out your anger in an environment that it seems,
Speaker 1: you know, it seizes more appropriate. And really what it
Speaker 1: comes from is originally like shame. It comes from shame
Speaker 1: at your anger. It comes from conflict version, it comes
Speaker 1: from not being able to put it in a place
Speaker 1: where it's going to do good. And I think at
Speaker 1: that point it's really useful to remember that, like any emotion,
Speaker 1: anger is really just here to tell you something. It
Speaker 1: is just the messenger. It is trying to communicate with
Speaker 1: you that there is something in your life, an important
Speaker 1: emotional issue, a sense of dissatisfaction, something that is bothering you,
Speaker 1: a sense of injustice that is going against your values,
Speaker 1: that is going against your desires, your ambitions. It has
Speaker 1: been promised. And if we were to ignore anger or
Speaker 1: kind of like try and opt out of it, what
Speaker 1: we would actually be ignoring is a lot of important information,
Speaker 1: and it would mean that we would never be able
Speaker 1: to stand up for ourselves if our boundary were to
Speaker 1: be crossed, because we could never allow ourselves to feel
Speaker 1: wronged otherwise that would be allowing ourselves to feel angry.
Speaker 1: Hopefully that kind of makes sense, right. I think about
Speaker 1: this a lot in terms of people who are in situationships,
Speaker 1: or if you're in a really fraught relationship and you
Speaker 1: just don't let yourself bring up the things that have
Speaker 1: bothered you, and you suppress it because to feel angry
Speaker 1: might compromise that relationship. You don't want to be angry
Speaker 1: in front of this person. Here's the thing, though, Eventually
Speaker 1: that is going to boil over. It is going to
Speaker 1: give to get to the point where you cannot tolerate
Speaker 1: that for much longer. And that is why anger is
Speaker 1: so crucial, because it is a really valuable motivator for change.
Speaker 1: If we channel that initial impulse for violence and rage correctly,
Speaker 1: we can actually really unlock a lot of movement in
Speaker 1: our life. We can unlock a lot of creativity. I
Speaker 1: know this really really well. You can displace it, that's
Speaker 1: your first option. You can let it take over your
Speaker 1: entire life and you can let it make you violent
Speaker 1: and rageful. Or you can treat it like energy. Why
Speaker 1: do you want to divert that energy in? What parts
Speaker 1: of your life? Might it be useful? To have access
Speaker 1: to that level of passion. Don't you want to kind
Speaker 1: of almost really tap into its power rather than wasting
Speaker 1: it on like a momentary explosion. You know. I think
Speaker 1: the best analogy I've heard about this topic is from
Speaker 1: this Ted talk called Anger is Your Ally, and the
Speaker 1: speaker explains that anger is very much like a child.
Speaker 1: You shouldn't let it drive the car. That is going
Speaker 1: to be a terrible problem. But you also shouldn't stuff
Speaker 1: it in the trunk either. You need to treat anger
Speaker 1: like it's it's a passenger in the vehicle. You know,
Speaker 1: you know it's there. It's just cruising along with you.
Speaker 1: You're not trying to hide from it, but it's also
Speaker 1: not on the front seat. I think this acceptance of
Speaker 1: our anger is not to justify holding onto it by
Speaker 1: no means. I think we often make the mistake in
Speaker 1: believing that raging and seething in silence is somehow going
Speaker 1: to hurt the person we're actually furious at, or that
Speaker 1: it's productive, when actually when we really like hold on
Speaker 1: to this rage, and we hold on to this like
Speaker 1: aggressive instinct in this hurt, we are the person that
Speaker 1: it does the most damage to, but is the answer
Speaker 1: to that that we should forgive. Do we always have
Speaker 1: to be the bigger person to let go of our anger? I, personally,
Speaker 1: I don't think so. I think forgiveness is a privilege,
Speaker 1: and you can, you know, you can still understand the
Speaker 1: ways in which someone has hurt you, the way certain
Speaker 1: actions have gone against your values, and not need to
Speaker 1: subsequently hurt that person as well. To find release. You
Speaker 1: can find peace with your anger. And sometimes I think
Speaker 1: we really celebrate forgiveness. It's this like really pure and
Speaker 1: good thing. You know, there's a lot of religious undertones
Speaker 1: to that, and that it's going to make us so
Speaker 1: much lighter and such better people. But I also don't
Speaker 1: think that it's gonna help us release our rage. I
Speaker 1: don't think that forgiveness is something that we should rush.
Speaker 1: I think that anger actually needs an outlet, and it
Speaker 1: needs to be processed, and it needs to be worked through.
Speaker 1: It needs to be treated with respect before we get
Speaker 1: to the point that we can be stoics about it.
Speaker 1: So in that moment, you kind of have three options.
Speaker 1: You can channel your anger through sublimation, you can create
Speaker 1: something with it. You can use it as motivation, find it,
Speaker 1: like find a positive way to process that feeling. You
Speaker 1: can adopt the stoic approach, which is I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: let this emotion wash over me without needing to reach
Speaker 1: out and touch it. Or you can listen to the
Speaker 1: impulse and you can explode. You can inevitably say things
Speaker 1: you don't mean. You can lash out, you can burn
Speaker 1: the fucking world down, and that might feel great in
Speaker 1: the moment, but then you're kind of just left with
Speaker 1: the remains there. You're left with a lot of burnt bridges,
Speaker 1: and there's not much more to make of it. So
Speaker 1: I think option one and two are our best bet,
Speaker 1: but sometimes it's hard to get there, especially when anger
Speaker 1: has really ruled you unconsciously for so long. So what
Speaker 1: I want to talk about next is how we can
Speaker 1: honor the emotion whilst also letting it serve us. So
Speaker 1: all of that and more after this shortbreak. So the
Speaker 1: two ways we've mentioned for dealing with anger so far
Speaker 1: as by processing and channeling rather than letting it rule you,
Speaker 1: and I want to talk through some specific tips for
Speaker 1: doing so. Firstly, once again I want to clarify anger
Speaker 1: is not an emotion to be avoided by any means.
Speaker 1: It is good that you feel angry sometimes it shows
Speaker 1: that you have boundaries, It shows that you have a
Speaker 1: sense of injustice, It shows that you are protective of yourself,
Speaker 1: and I actually think that's really really important. I also
Speaker 1: think when we ignore anger, when we suppress it, obviously
Speaker 1: we can explode YadA, YadA, yadda. But it also maybe
Speaker 1: indicates that somewhere along the way you were taught that
Speaker 1: to experience and show all your emotions was shameful. And
Speaker 1: I think that the shame around emotions is one of
Speaker 1: those kind of generational patterns and things that we are
Speaker 1: taught by our parents that we need to unlearn. So
Speaker 1: here's how we're going to go about it instead. Firstly,
Speaker 1: when you are feeling this rage for any reason, avoid
Speaker 1: what we like to call the catharsis myth. So asis
Speaker 1: is this thing that provides release. It is this like
Speaker 1: huge explosion of energy that makes us feel a lot better.
Speaker 1: When we talk about anger, a lot of people talk
Speaker 1: about venting, talk about ranting as a way to kind
Speaker 1: of like release their anger effectively. They think about it
Speaker 1: as like turning the tap on and just like letting
Speaker 1: out some of the pressure. But a psychologist that I
Speaker 1: was reading into about this put it very well. When
Speaker 1: you vent your anger or blow off steam, when you
Speaker 1: are screaming, when you're like really mad, when you're just
Speaker 1: having this huge vent to your friend, it actually keeps
Speaker 1: our arousal levels really high. Have you ever like had
Speaker 1: a moment where someone has done something that has made
Speaker 1: you so angry and you've walked away from it, you've
Speaker 1: kind of thought about it, and then a few days
Speaker 1: later your friend's like, hey, remember when that per and
Speaker 1: did that thing, and it just makes you feel angry afterwards,
Speaker 1: when you talk about it with them, you think that
Speaker 1: it's going to make you feel better. I actually don't
Speaker 1: think it really does. It's like using gasoline to put
Speaker 1: out a fire. It just doesn't work. And I know
Speaker 1: that that advice feels counterintuitive because we feel like when
Speaker 1: we're venting, when we're ranting, that we're doing something about
Speaker 1: this feeling, and therefore that we're processing it. However, I
Speaker 1: think there are more sustainable ways of going about it
Speaker 1: that don't keep us in such a state of active anger.
Speaker 1: Like there's ways that we can exhaust the feeling. Is
Speaker 1: probably a better way of putting it rather than continuing
Speaker 1: to exacerbate it or accelerating it. So exercise is great,
Speaker 1: particularly something cardiofocused, but I've also found boxing incredibly useful.
Speaker 1: I think that although it can still increase arousal in
Speaker 1: the moment, it also exhausts me afterwards. And you know,
Speaker 1: therapy is great and all, but something really does have
Speaker 1: to be said about just hitting a bag for an
Speaker 1: hour and leaving being like super sweaty and just feeling
Speaker 1: like this, all of this like emotion and feeling that
Speaker 1: was buzzing in your body has has a place to land.
Speaker 1: There's also this technique I have for processing rage and
Speaker 1: actually a bunch of emotions, and I call it crazy dance.
Speaker 1: And I've talked about this before on the show, and
Speaker 1: it's what it sounds like. I want you to just
Speaker 1: put on your headphones and just go absolutely wild, let loose.
Speaker 1: I don't want it to look good. I don't want
Speaker 1: it to be a cool dance. I want it to
Speaker 1: be the most energetic crazy dance you can think of.
Speaker 1: Legs moving, arms moving, body twisting. This acts as a
Speaker 1: form of somatic therapy where we are able to release damaging,
Speaker 1: pent up emotions using our bodies, and that is the
Speaker 1: place where they're often stored. Right. So I want you
Speaker 1: before and after to notice how your body feels, and
Speaker 1: then where you've been holding stress. No, maybe you have
Speaker 1: like muscle tension or pain. And afterwards I want you
Speaker 1: to notice whether those parts have experienced a sense of relief,
Speaker 1: whether there has been some kind of release in those muscles,
Speaker 1: in those parts of your body. I think it works
Speaker 1: in so many situations. Another way to go about it
Speaker 1: is make sure that before you address your anger, you
Speaker 1: calm your body by giving it enough oxygen. If you
Speaker 1: think about it, when we're really really frustrated and upset,
Speaker 1: our breathing gets a lot deeper, a lot faster, sorry,
Speaker 1: a lot faster, and when it's really fast, like like this,
Speaker 1: you're not taking in that much oxygen. When our brain
Speaker 1: is low on oxygen, our thinking becomes a little bit
Speaker 1: more like disturbed. It becomes a lot slower, And breathing
Speaker 1: exercises are a way to firstly help us calm down,
Speaker 1: but also get that oxygen back into our brain to
Speaker 1: make a smart, informed decision. I know we hear a
Speaker 1: lot about breathing exercises in therapy and in psychology, and
Speaker 1: if you go to therapy you might it's like one
Speaker 1: of those staples in a therapist toolkit. That and like
Speaker 1: meditation and mindfulness. And sometimes when we hear about those
Speaker 1: things too much, we discredit it. We think it doesn't work,
Speaker 1: But it does. The science says that it does, and
Speaker 1: it really helps in these situations. So deliberately practicing like
Speaker 1: a relaxed breathing pattern, so breathing in for eight, holding
Speaker 1: for four, breathing out for eight, it brings a lot
Speaker 1: of our involuntary functions like our breathing under control. And
Speaker 1: it shows us that other things we think are out
Speaker 1: of our control, like anger, are actually something that we
Speaker 1: have a say over, that we can almost operate and
Speaker 1: move and have some decision making over. So control breathing
Speaker 1: really can cause quite profound physiological changes. It lowers our
Speaker 1: blood pressure, lowers our heart rate, it reduces stress levels
Speaker 1: and levels of stress hormones in the blood, so all
Speaker 1: of which I think is a really good start to
Speaker 1: processing anger in whatever form you choose to. My favorite
Speaker 1: form though, is through creative channeling. So creative channeling is
Speaker 1: where you take your anger and you make something with it.
Speaker 1: It helps us place our anger, express our anger, and
Speaker 1: make it tangible. It takes us, you know, it takes
Speaker 1: that emotion out of our mind and onto the page,
Speaker 1: like if we're making a piece of art or a
Speaker 1: sculpture or anything of a sort. It really allows us
Speaker 1: to see this emotion as something that isn't just held
Speaker 1: up in our brain, but has a place in the world,
Speaker 1: a recognizable place outside of our body. Additionally, I think
Speaker 1: when we're like partaking in something creative, it helps us
Speaker 1: enter into a flow state. A flow state is this
Speaker 1: kind of state of mind where we aren't so much
Speaker 1: focused on what's bothering us, just the task at hand.
Speaker 1: We feel really fulfilled by it, we feel really excited
Speaker 1: by it, challenged by it, but also just extremely focused.
Speaker 1: And it actually is amazing because whilst you're in a
Speaker 1: flow state, it's really hard to think about more than
Speaker 1: one thing. And so you come back from practicing this
Speaker 1: creative exercise, from making something with not only a fresh
Speaker 1: set of eyes, but with kind of like a renewed
Speaker 1: sense of peace and a renewed sense of calm. This
Speaker 1: mainly focuses on how you can manage your anger on
Speaker 1: an individual level, but obviously someone has given us a
Speaker 1: reason to feel angry, and I'm not just not saying
Speaker 1: that in a way like that we should be endorsing blame.
Speaker 1: But anger is often environmental, something has triggered it, and
Speaker 1: so our reaction is also probably going to be environmental
Speaker 1: or external or interpersonal as well. Here are some tips
Speaker 1: for managing that, because we know anger does a lot
Speaker 1: of damage when we don't have control over it. It
Speaker 1: causes us to just do so many things that we
Speaker 1: wouldn't normally do, often the expense of the people that
Speaker 1: are closest to us. They are the closest to the epicenter,
Speaker 1: They get the most kind of heat from this feeling.
Speaker 1: So when you are processing your anger, when you feel rage,
Speaker 1: avoid projecting, avoid displacing. As frou would say, I think
Speaker 1: you need to acknowledge when you have allowed someone else
Speaker 1: to be the target of your anger when they are
Speaker 1: not the source. For example, you've come home like a
Speaker 1: really rough day at work where people have just been
Speaker 1: super rude, and you just snap at your partner and
Speaker 1: it's not fair because and it's probably not fair to
Speaker 1: snap at anyone really, but it's definitely not fair to
Speaker 1: snap at this person who probably doesn't know what's going
Speaker 1: on and is just wanting to make you happy and
Speaker 1: just wanting to see you happy as well. And I
Speaker 1: think it's easy to project onto those people because we
Speaker 1: know that we kind of know that they're going to
Speaker 1: take it in a way the way that we can't
Speaker 1: snap at a stranger. But once again, they're not just
Speaker 1: having and it will do harm to your relationships. So
Speaker 1: in those moments, recognize Itologize to that person and explain why,
Speaker 1: talk about why it is that you came into an argue,
Speaker 1: that you came into a situation or a room or
Speaker 1: an interaction feeling that rage, and make sure they know
Speaker 1: what part of it may have been because of them,
Speaker 1: or what part of it really wasn't to do with them,
Speaker 1: so that they're not sitting there waiting for you to
Speaker 1: just blow up, that they're not having an anxious reaction
Speaker 1: to your feelings of rage. There's a strategy used in
Speaker 1: anger management called the thirty thirty intervention that I think
Speaker 1: is a really good and useful strategy for those moments
Speaker 1: when you do displace your anger onto someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: deserve it, or when you've just had a really rough
Speaker 1: day and you know that this passion and this feeling
Speaker 1: is really building up, So take thirty seconds to remove
Speaker 1: yourself from a situation that maybe frustrating you. Thirty seconds
Speaker 1: to do something else, particularly something with your hands, because
Speaker 1: it shows our brain that we're doing something about this problem,
Speaker 1: this problem emotion that we're having, or something physical to
Speaker 1: release that bodily tension, and then thirty seconds to create
Speaker 1: a coping strategy. Maybe that coping strategy will be all right.
Speaker 1: I need a few more minutes to on a walk,
Speaker 1: or I'm going to write down exactly why I'm upset.
Speaker 1: I'm going to journal about this, and then I'm going
Speaker 1: to come back to this person and we can talk
Speaker 1: about it. I also say all the time, let people
Speaker 1: make mistakes. Don't let other people always be the source
Speaker 1: of your anger because they don't meet your expectations and
Speaker 1: because you are lowering your threshold for their behavior. I'm
Speaker 1: going to explain that a little bit more. But sometimes
Speaker 1: I think we become angry because we have false expectations
Speaker 1: about other people, and when they don't meet them, we
Speaker 1: blame them rather than blaming ourselves for not being honest
Speaker 1: about what we can expect from someone. The same way
Speaker 1: that you're allowed to make mistakes and be your own person,
Speaker 1: these people are allowed that as well. And I think
Speaker 1: that our angest comes from a sense of like reality,
Speaker 1: the reality we want not matching up with kind of
Speaker 1: what is actually going to happen. And sometimes that's fair
Speaker 1: to be angry about, right, Like the reality is you've
Speaker 1: expect everyone around you to be really, really nice and
Speaker 1: kind and someone isn't. That makes you angry. But if
Speaker 1: the reality is, oh, I expect my partner to have
Speaker 1: done like every single chore in the household, even though
Speaker 1: he also works full time, and you come back and
Speaker 1: he's just gotten home before you and he hasn't done that,
Speaker 1: and reality doesn't meet you know, blah blah blah. They
Speaker 1: don't think it's fair in those times to be angry.
Speaker 1: Let other people make mistakes. And also when you're really
Speaker 1: frustrated about something, when you really feel like something is
Speaker 1: so hard to like go of, you're so filled with
Speaker 1: rage that it's not going anywhere, don't say you're over
Speaker 1: it when you're not. Don't pretend that you are fine.
Speaker 1: That is just another form of suppression, and it is
Speaker 1: going to come up later. I think a lot of
Speaker 1: the time we really want to be forgiving, and we
Speaker 1: want to pretend that the emotion just isn't there because
Speaker 1: it is so uncomfortable to feel, and we hear it
Speaker 1: all the time. Someone is really upset by something and
Speaker 1: they go, it's fine, I'm fine, Like, let's move on,
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about it. No, No, I'm over,
Speaker 1: I'm over. I forgive you. It's very easy to say
Speaker 1: those words as well if you're a people pleaser and
Speaker 1: if you feel like your anger is not justified. But
Speaker 1: this is your reminder that really take that closing of
Speaker 1: the feeling, that closing of the trigger, that closing or
Speaker 1: whatever is caused your anger. Make sure you take the
Speaker 1: closing of that chapter seriously. Don't close it too soon,
Speaker 1: don't close it prematurely, because it will bubble and it
Speaker 1: will fester and it will come up at the worst time. Finally,
Speaker 1: if there is a particular person you are upsetter, practice
Speaker 1: both assertive communication but also practice calm communication. Have you
Speaker 1: ever had those moments where you know that a friend
Speaker 1: is mad at you, or you know that you've done
Speaker 1: something to upset someone and you go into the conversation
Speaker 1: and you're just immediately defensive and you're immediately really upset
Speaker 1: and you're immediately angry, or they're immediately angry. It is
Speaker 1: so hard to ever resolve something when we come to
Speaker 1: the table with this primal emotion at the forefront, rather
Speaker 1: than like we said in the passenger seat. So think
Speaker 1: through your initial reaction, the first thing you want to do,
Speaker 1: and then sleep on it. It will always feel better
Speaker 1: in the morning, and maybe you will have thought again
Speaker 1: about burning the whole world down. Take a step back
Speaker 1: from what you from the first thing that you want
Speaker 1: to do in response to your anger, and make sure
Speaker 1: you are expressing what you need in an assertive, yet
Speaker 1: calm way. I often find this difficult when people are like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you're so angry, like you're overreacting, Like
Speaker 1: women especially, you're so emotional. You're allowed to have this feeling, right.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you need to be like calm
Speaker 1: about it for them. I'm saying you need to be
Speaker 1: calm about it for you, calm about it for you,
Speaker 1: because you're able to go in with a really clear
Speaker 1: way of addressing what you need, a really clear way
Speaker 1: of trying at least to show them why you feel
Speaker 1: this way, why you feel like a boundary has been crossed,
Speaker 1: why you feel angry. I hate when people have their
Speaker 1: reality kind of discredited because they are emotional. When that
Speaker 1: is like literally the thing that we've been talking about
Speaker 1: this entire episode. This emotion is not shameful, it is
Speaker 1: not bad, but it is bad when you let it
Speaker 1: do things that hurt others deliberately, that hurt others without
Speaker 1: a second thought to it, or that make it so
Speaker 1: you can't actually get what you need out of a situation.
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important here to have a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship with anger and how it is expressed to
Speaker 1: other people so that it can I think, be a
Speaker 1: tool rather than an obstacle, and that in other situations
Speaker 1: it can really help motivate change. It can help motivate
Speaker 1: progress towards a better understanding between you and someone else
Speaker 1: or a better outcome. So some final reminders, it is
Speaker 1: totally okay to feel angry. It's telling you something. It
Speaker 1: is just a sign of something you don't always need
Speaker 1: to forgive. You don't always need to have an answer
Speaker 1: to your anger. But you can't suppress it. You have
Speaker 1: to find a way to either process it through communication,
Speaker 1: through talking it out, through the thirty thirty intervention, or
Speaker 1: channeling it. Finding how you can find a medium or
Speaker 1: an outlet for this anger instead of letting it sit
Speaker 1: in the body. I think you are not an angry
Speaker 1: person just because someone has crossed your boundaries or repeatedly
Speaker 1: crossed your boundaries. You're not an angry person because society
Speaker 1: and your parents, and your family and everyone around you
Speaker 1: has told you to hold onto that anger and not
Speaker 1: let it go, has told you to be polite and suppressive.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of positive ways that this emotion
Speaker 1: can help us. It can help us in our relationships,
Speaker 1: in our careers, in our lives in general. So I
Speaker 1: hope this episode has helped you, especially if you have
Speaker 1: a long term relationship with anger. I hope that it's
Speaker 1: at least taught you something new, that you've learned something
Speaker 1: about yourself or about the psychology. I found it really
Speaker 1: fascinating because I think about anger a lot, and I
Speaker 1: think about anger in my life and anger in my
Speaker 1: family's life, and you know, sometimes it's like very easy
Speaker 1: to just hide from it, and it's very easy to
Speaker 1: go off and rant. But I've found that that doesn't
Speaker 1: always leave me actually feeling better. So hopefully you've taken
Speaker 1: that with you as well as always, if you've been
Speaker 1: joy this episode. Please feel free to leave a five
Speaker 1: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening
Speaker 1: right now. Make sure you give us a follow on
Speaker 1: Instagram at that Psychology podcast, especially if you have an
Speaker 1: episode suggestion or something that you want to say about
Speaker 1: this episode. I would love to hear from you. We're
Speaker 1: always taking ideas and feedback and make sure you're just
Speaker 1: having a good time. I don't know where else going
Speaker 1: with that, but make sure you're happy. Here's like a
Speaker 1: little reminder to just take a second right now, ask yourself,
Speaker 1: Am I happy? What could I do about it if
Speaker 1: I'm not? That's a beautiful way to end the episode.
Speaker 1: Hopefully we will see you back here next week with
Speaker 1: another one.