Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we dive
Speaker 1: into the psychology of our twenties. This episode today, we
Speaker 1: are going to get quite vulnerable. If you're a frequent
Speaker 1: listener of the show, you will know that I'm always
Speaker 1: looking for episode suggestions, things that you guys, my fellow
Speaker 1: twenty something year olds, are going through as inspiration for
Speaker 1: the podcast. Someone sent in this suggestion, Actually multiple of
Speaker 1: you sent in this suggestion, and I read some of
Speaker 1: these messages and just thought, how have we never discussed
Speaker 1: this before. What we're talking about today is a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy. So many of you have been waiting for
Speaker 1: this episode, and there is just a wealth of research content, articles,
Speaker 1: theories that go along with it. And I also think
Speaker 1: it's something that so many of us in our twenties
Speaker 1: struggle with in silence and might not even realize that
Speaker 1: we are going through. I think a fear of intimacy
Speaker 1: is so valuable to understand because it's also one of
Speaker 1: those ideas that has become misconstrued, misunderstood, overused in recent years.
Speaker 1: And with that overuse, sometimes we don't always know the
Speaker 1: facts and of course the science and the psychology behind
Speaker 1: why it occurs, how it presents in our lives, and
Speaker 1: also ways to move forward potential solutions. It's one of
Speaker 1: those catch twenty two problems in psychology. We want more
Speaker 1: people to have a label for what they're experiencing, but
Speaker 1: that label still needs to be an informed one, and
Speaker 1: we want people to have the correct information about what
Speaker 1: they're describing. So that's what we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: today because I think so many of us struggle with
Speaker 1: the fear of intimacy in our twenties, and I don't
Speaker 1: always think we have the right information. A fear of
Speaker 1: intimacy during this decade shows up in a lot of different,
Speaker 1: often invisible ways. Maybe you have found yourself in like
Speaker 1: a constant cycle of situationships, You push people away when
Speaker 1: they're trying to get to know you, both friends and
Speaker 1: people you're dating. You can never bring yourself to go
Speaker 1: on first dates, you start fights when things begin to
Speaker 1: feel safe. You may have placed all of these conditions
Speaker 1: on yourself for when you'll be allowed to date. You know,
Speaker 1: I can't date until I've lost weight, until I fix
Speaker 1: something about myself, until I love myself more. All of
Speaker 1: these actions and habits is a fear of vulnerability, and
Speaker 1: it is secretly keeping us from being vulnerable intimate with
Speaker 1: people around us because we are scared that when we
Speaker 1: get too close we get hurt, or that perhaps we
Speaker 1: aren't worthy of the love we think we deserve, so
Speaker 1: we shy away from any opportunity for us to be
Speaker 1: proven wrong. I think to be emotionally intimate with someone
Speaker 1: is to essentially give ourselves and give other people the
Speaker 1: guidebook on how exactly to hurt us. If you have
Speaker 1: been left scarred or burned by a past relationship, attachment
Speaker 1: problems in childhood, even if you're just feeling particularly insecure.
Speaker 1: I think that love can be one of the hardest
Speaker 1: things that we can put ourselves through because there is
Speaker 1: so much opportunity for disaster, so much opportunity to be hurt,
Speaker 1: so much so that we avoid that crucial source that
Speaker 1: being love and meaningful connection. It's actually quite devastating. Really,
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us know this is going
Speaker 1: on behind the scenes. We are not blind to how
Speaker 1: this pattern of behavior and fear is active in our lives.
Speaker 1: We want to be open, we want a witness to
Speaker 1: our lives, we want to be seen. But it also
Speaker 1: comes with the realization that allowing ourselves to go through
Speaker 1: this might actually do something to hurt us further. Sometimes
Speaker 1: that fear is too strong to push past. So my
Speaker 1: hope is that this episode is of some help to you,
Speaker 1: because I don't think big problems like this are overcome
Speaker 1: in a day, But the first step is actually being
Speaker 1: able to diagnose and understand the problem and having enough
Speaker 1: background information to proceed. So, without further ado, let's get
Speaker 1: into it. So, fear of intimacy is known by a
Speaker 1: few other names, the most common one being avoidance anxiety,
Speaker 1: which is sometimes applied to a lot more than just love.
Speaker 1: Avoidance anxiety really gets to the heart of how a
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy is sustained. When we have an excessive fear, concern,
Speaker 1: worry towards a particular object or subject. The easiest way
Speaker 1: to actually regulate that anxious response is to kind of
Speaker 1: avoid anything that triggers it. So in that way, avoidance
Speaker 1: becomes a coping mechanism, whereby we are so paralyzed by
Speaker 1: what would happen if we encountered our fear, that we
Speaker 1: act in the most rational way we can, which is
Speaker 1: just to avoid that from ever happening. In the case
Speaker 1: of a fear of intimacy, the trigger is not an
Speaker 1: object though. It's not some fear like snakes or spiders
Speaker 1: or planes. It's the feeling or a situation that being
Speaker 1: in an intimate social contact with someone else might jeopardize
Speaker 1: our sense of security and safety that we have created
Speaker 1: for ourselves internally. Now, a fear of intimacy is actually
Speaker 1: quite multifaceted. It can be emotional, sexual, even intellectual or spiritual.
Speaker 1: So if we fear emotional intimacy, what we're fearing is
Speaker 1: sharing our innermost feelings and true emotions with someone and
Speaker 1: perhaps scaring them off, maybe because we are not accustomed
Speaker 1: to our feelings being important or respected, or we're scared
Speaker 1: of what they will be able to do to us
Speaker 1: with that information. A fear of sexual intimacy, it's also
Speaker 1: known as genophobia, is where we have this very serious
Speaker 1: anxiety about sharing that part of ourselves with someone else.
Speaker 1: Maybe we are worried about being hurt. We were reflecting
Speaker 1: on really hard and traumatic past experiences where we weren't
Speaker 1: given the respect that we deserve, and so now we
Speaker 1: see any time that we're having sex or any opportunity
Speaker 1: to be intimate with someone as possibly creating the same outcome,
Speaker 1: and that's an outcome that we want to avoid. We
Speaker 1: also have that fear of intellectual intimacy, and that's not
Speaker 1: a facet of this that I think a lot of
Speaker 1: us typically think of Intellectual intimacy is this exchange of
Speaker 1: big ideas and thoughts and core beliefs that is actually
Speaker 1: such a vulnerable, squishy, deep down part of ourselves that
Speaker 1: very few people, I think ever really get access to
Speaker 1: in our lives, and there's a lot that they can
Speaker 1: do with that information. We might worry that someone will
Speaker 1: be dismissive or use these things against us. We might
Speaker 1: worry that they won't agree with us, that'll embarrass us,
Speaker 1: that we'll realize that we're actually not as connected as
Speaker 1: we thought. The root of all these fears is very subjective.
Speaker 1: Whether you have a fear of emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy,
Speaker 1: sexual intimacy. It's based primarily on past experiences and a
Speaker 1: history with a whole bunch of things that can influence
Speaker 1: our approach to being loved and accepting love. When we
Speaker 1: have this fear of intimacy, it prevents us from engaging
Speaker 1: in behaviors that will create a lifelong or sustaining bond,
Speaker 1: unfortunately for us. You know, to be loved is to
Speaker 1: be intellectually intimate, is to be emotionally intimate, is to
Speaker 1: sometimes be sexually intimate, And sadly, a relationship does have
Speaker 1: some core parameters and necessary foundations, and we will have
Speaker 1: to kind of get past this fear of sharing those
Speaker 1: deep parts of ourselves if we ever want to truly
Speaker 1: feel like we should accept or feel like we can
Speaker 1: accept love into our lives. We mention some of the
Speaker 1: indicators of a fear of intimacy briefly before, but to
Speaker 1: dive into it a little bit further, some of the
Speaker 1: signs that you might be struggling with this, whether consciously
Speaker 1: or not, includes a series of really short relationships that
Speaker 1: all end because of insignificant things. They gave you a
Speaker 1: small ick, they didn't finish all their food on a date,
Speaker 1: they didn't like the same music as you. These icks,
Speaker 1: these reasons that you think are valid, may actually be
Speaker 1: protecting you from a deep explanation, a deeper explanation which
Speaker 1: is that you don't feel ready, You're getting too close
Speaker 1: to the edge of tipping out of your comfort zone.
Speaker 1: So you are searching for what you see as a
Speaker 1: valid reason to end the relationship that has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with you and won't require you to actually look
Speaker 1: at your contribution to this relationship fizzling out. This may
Speaker 1: also be linked to a level of relationship OCD or perfectionism.
Speaker 1: Relationship OCD is something that I am really really fascinated about,
Speaker 1: because I do think that at times it's been one
Speaker 1: of the reasons I've sabotaged relationships. What this form of
Speaker 1: OCD means is that we have a lot of obsessive
Speaker 1: thoughts about our concerns and doubts when it comes to
Speaker 1: a romantic partner that are really difficult to manage, that
Speaker 1: feel very much out of our control. We often end
Speaker 1: up existing in this state of hypervigilance towards very small
Speaker 1: signs that us and our partner are not compatible. We
Speaker 1: are looking for reasons that this isn't going to work
Speaker 1: before they blindside us. We are looking for reasons to
Speaker 1: break up with them before we get hurt. Even in
Speaker 1: the early stages of dating, we may hold potential partners
Speaker 1: to a really high standard, perhaps even an impossible one,
Speaker 1: because we still feel like we're being open. We're still
Speaker 1: saying like, yeah, I'm ready for a relationship, but I
Speaker 1: just don't want to settle. My standards are so high
Speaker 1: that I just don't want anyone who's below that. And
Speaker 1: that's what we tell ourselves when actually there really isn't
Speaker 1: anyone who could ever meet our expectations. Sometimes our standards
Speaker 1: actually are opposed to each other, but it gives us
Speaker 1: this opportunity to keep people at bay. Now that's not
Speaker 1: to say that you don't deserve to be picky and
Speaker 1: you don't deserve the most exceptional, amazing form of love.
Speaker 1: But it's interesting when we start to see contradictions in
Speaker 1: the things that we want from someone. Those contradictions are
Speaker 1: pretty good evidence that the standards we're setting for ourselves
Speaker 1: are a lot more protective than they are kind of informative.
Speaker 1: They're trying to stop us from something rather than trying
Speaker 1: to keep us open to something. This always for me,
Speaker 1: resulting in a grass's greener mentality. You're constantly thinking about
Speaker 1: how your relationship should be perfect, how if you're missing
Speaker 1: one thing it's a failure. You have these fantasies about
Speaker 1: a flawless relationship that probably doesn't exist, But by continuing
Speaker 1: to invest in the delusion, you keep all these other
Speaker 1: possibilities for love at bay. The thing I always think
Speaker 1: about when it comes to this is this concept known
Speaker 1: as the ninety ten rule. Now, there was a video
Speaker 1: about this that went super viral on TikTok recently, and
Speaker 1: I think for the best kinds of reasons, because so
Speaker 1: many of us fall into the trap of the ninety
Speaker 1: ten rule. The premise of this is that you can
Speaker 1: be with someone who is like ninety percent everything that
Speaker 1: you wanted, everything that you have dreamed of, everything that
Speaker 1: your childhood self wanted from love, But there is this
Speaker 1: ten percent that just isn't quite right. And those things
Speaker 1: aren't deal breakers, right, They're just small things like, oh,
Speaker 1: they don't do the dishes exactly when I want them
Speaker 1: to do them, or oh, they're not as like it's
Speaker 1: spontaneous as I am, and you let that ten percent
Speaker 1: dominate over the ninety percent, so that you go out
Speaker 1: looking for someone who fulfills the ten percent, but then
Speaker 1: they are only ten percent of what you actually want.
Speaker 1: You've given up something that is actually incredibly good for
Speaker 1: you over small reasons. Sometimes I would say that's the
Speaker 1: sign of a fear of intimacy, even if it doesn't
Speaker 1: look like it on the surface. Here are some other
Speaker 1: things that would tell me that someone is struggling with this.
Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship, you may also withhold
Speaker 1: information or avoid sharing your feelings because it's going to
Speaker 1: make you too vulnerable. You also might test your partner
Speaker 1: through through emotional bids. So emotional bids are these attempts
Speaker 1: to connect with your partner by gaining their attention in
Speaker 1: a way that is actually indirect. I always like to
Speaker 1: use the example of starting fights. It's not that you
Speaker 1: even have anything to be mad about. It's just that
Speaker 1: you are feeling insecure, You're feeling stuck, and you want reassurance.
Speaker 1: You want that You want to kind of challenge your
Speaker 1: relationship to see if it can push through this argument.
Speaker 1: See if it can push through this fight, whether that
Speaker 1: person is going to stay by your side once again.
Speaker 1: I think all of this has its roots in a
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy. Now we need to talk about where
Speaker 1: exactly this comes from. There are quite a few experiences
Speaker 1: that create this pattern of behavior or this reaction to
Speaker 1: intimacy and love. Some of them actually seem to be
Speaker 1: in opposition with each other, so it is very subjective
Speaker 1: and based on your own mix of experiences. A lot
Speaker 1: of these concerns, though, emerge in childhood, but even things
Speaker 1: like our teenage relatetionationships past relationships, and a fear of
Speaker 1: engulfment in security they also contribute. Before we get into this,
Speaker 1: it's also important to understand this concept known as commitment readiness.
Speaker 1: So commitment readiness is a fairly new measure in clinical
Speaker 1: and research psychology, and it essentially refers to our openness
Speaker 1: and receptiveness to a relationship. Every single one of us
Speaker 1: has a level of commitment readiness, has this somewhat pre
Speaker 1: formed or predetermined judgment of our ability to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship. If you have low commitment readiness, it's going
Speaker 1: to be difficult for you to for someone to convince
Speaker 1: you to take this next step in your love or
Speaker 1: in your connection because you just don't feel equipped. Whereas
Speaker 1: we have these people who have a high commitment readiness
Speaker 1: that means that they are the first ones to jump
Speaker 1: into a relationship. They are ready for that commitment, they
Speaker 1: are ready for that label. They want to be dating,
Speaker 1: they want to be in a relationship. Now, a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy reflects a low level of commitment readiness and
Speaker 1: that factor that the measure is impacted by the following.
Speaker 1: So the major theory when it comes to a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy is that all of these quote unquote problem
Speaker 1: behaviors began in childhood, normally as the result of a neglectful, disorganized,
Speaker 1: overbearing parenting style. If as a child, you did not
Speaker 1: receive the love, the care, the reassurance, the compassion, the
Speaker 1: security that you needed from your primary caregiver, you may
Speaker 1: have implicitly learned that close relationships are not something that
Speaker 1: you can rely on for your needs. You really only
Speaker 1: have yourself, So you push away people who might try
Speaker 1: and get close. That's very indicative of an anxious, avoidant
Speaker 1: attachment style. This emotional neglect that you have experienced, it
Speaker 1: may cause you to unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror
Speaker 1: your past experience. So if you grew up in an
Speaker 1: environment with emotionally unavailable parents, this may unintentionally cause you
Speaker 1: to be drawn too emotionally unavailable partners in the future,
Speaker 1: because it's just creating a familiar pattern, and these people
Speaker 1: you can also keep at a distance when you know
Speaker 1: maybe you are actually the emotionally unavailable one. What you're
Speaker 1: doing is seeking out partners who allow you to stay
Speaker 1: in what is familiar, what is comfortable, and what you know,
Speaker 1: which is that they will never fulfill your needs. They
Speaker 1: will never be someone who is going to ask you
Speaker 1: how your day was, who's going to push past the
Speaker 1: boundaries and the kind of barriers that you've created so
Speaker 1: you continue to feel safe when really you're actually avoiding
Speaker 1: a deeper level of intimacy that will require you to
Speaker 1: give up your past misconceptions of love and be vulnerable.
Speaker 1: I think we all have some basic understanding that emotionally
Speaker 1: unavailable caregivers are going to create fearful and avoidant patterns
Speaker 1: of love and connection, but in the complete opposite direction.
Speaker 1: There's also been some emerging research that being raised by
Speaker 1: parents who will overprotect, smothering, overbearing also creates a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy because we fear for our independence, and we
Speaker 1: fear for our freedom because we have been taught that
Speaker 1: close relationships cause us to have to give up parts
Speaker 1: of ourselves or feel closely monitored, feel closely observed. So
Speaker 1: I came across this theory a couple of years ago
Speaker 1: in a PhD paper from someone in Australia, and they
Speaker 1: talked about how overprotective parenting is actually really linked to
Speaker 1: an insecure attachment style, particularly in young men. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: because they resent how closely observed they were they don't
Speaker 1: want that to be replicated in their romantic relationships. Or
Speaker 1: perhaps it's this retrospective rebellion or protest against what they
Speaker 1: found unfair as a child that manifests in them continuing
Speaker 1: to push people away who want to get close to
Speaker 1: them in adulthood. Whatever that may be, it obviously differs
Speaker 1: from person person, but it can lead to what some
Speaker 1: researchers call a fear of engulfment, whereby we are afraid
Speaker 1: of being controlled, dominated, of losing ourselves to a relationship
Speaker 1: and then being unable to find our way back when
Speaker 1: the relationship inevitably ends. Because we have that core attitude
Speaker 1: that love does not last. I don't think it's any
Speaker 1: surprise that if you are an especially hyper independent person,
Speaker 1: someone who pushes back against requests for assistance, who prefers
Speaker 1: their own company, who believes on a very deep level
Speaker 1: that they don't need anyone but themselves, it's obvious that
Speaker 1: you are more likely to appear as if you are
Speaker 1: actually afraid of intimacy and you're afraid of what a
Speaker 1: relationship might cost you. A lot of people who are
Speaker 1: hyper dependent. Some therapists call it a trauma response, but
Speaker 1: they may not even recognize that this is an issue
Speaker 1: because as a society, we express a lot of approval
Speaker 1: and respect for traits like independence, especially in highly individualized
Speaker 1: Western cultures. Independence is incredibly positive and it can actually
Speaker 1: show a great level of security when it comes to
Speaker 1: knowing yourself and what you want. But with anything, I
Speaker 1: think balance is key, and when you need your need
Speaker 1: to be independence outweighs your primal need for connection and
Speaker 1: for community and for intimacy. That is when we begin
Speaker 1: to see these patterns that mimic a fear of vulnerability
Speaker 1: and a fear of love or avoidance anxiety. I used
Speaker 1: to actually have a friend like this, and she was
Speaker 1: actually she continues to be. I will say that one
Speaker 1: of the most wonderful and accomplished people I know. This
Speaker 1: woman runs marathons, she has her own business, she was
Speaker 1: studying full time. She had a million hobbies. She could bake,
Speaker 1: she could make music. She could teach you incredibly complicated
Speaker 1: economics without like even batting an eye. She's obviously, I'm
Speaker 1: just singing her praises. She was amazing. But she was
Speaker 1: so protective of her own dependence that she kind of
Speaker 1: rejected anyone who tried to get to know her on
Speaker 1: a really intimate level because she was convinced that a
Speaker 1: relationship would eat into her freedom and her ability to
Speaker 1: make decisions that were best for her. I honestly think
Speaker 1: that on some level, there's a lot of respect for that,
Speaker 1: and she had a great level of dedication to herself,
Speaker 1: and honestly, love shouldn't mean compromising those things. But the
Speaker 1: thing is that the right person won't ask you to
Speaker 1: what she thought was protecting her keeping romantic love at
Speaker 1: Bay was actually something that she ended up really resenting,
Speaker 1: and she couldn't quite square. She couldn't quite make sense
Speaker 1: of these two very loud forces operating within her that
Speaker 1: were very opposed. She wanted to be loved, but she
Speaker 1: also wanted to be free, and she couldn't quite figure out.
Speaker 1: I think in retrospect how those two things could be equal,
Speaker 1: because she had all of these negative beliefs and perceptions
Speaker 1: of what love would do to her. And I think
Speaker 1: that that hyperindependence, that fear of engulfment, that fear of
Speaker 1: losing freedom, is an aspect of a fear of intimacy
Speaker 1: that we don't really discuss. Past relationship troma, not just
Speaker 1: in childhood, can also contribute. We often really like to
Speaker 1: focus on childhood as the only source of our attachment wounds.
Speaker 1: But equally, I think a lot of psychologists, a lot
Speaker 1: of researchers are beginning to realize that those teenage relationships,
Speaker 1: those first relationships, our early experiences with love, when they
Speaker 1: turn sour, when they are particularly difficult, when they are traumatic,
Speaker 1: they can equally shape how we connect with people. If
Speaker 1: your first boyfriend or girlfriend was this like intense whirlwind
Speaker 1: of huge feelings and commitment, and then they ended up
Speaker 1: cheating on you, or they ended up saying terrible things
Speaker 1: about you, severely damaging your self esteem, it is going
Speaker 1: to be hard for you to trust or love other people,
Speaker 1: even if you had very welcoming, beautiful, loving, emotionally available parents,
Speaker 1: because that was still a really formative and core memory
Speaker 1: for you when it came to your opinions on intimacy,
Speaker 1: especially when we talk about someone injuring your self esteem.
Speaker 1: That stuff, the last can last a lifetime. It creates insecurity,
Speaker 1: and it creates this need, this survival instinct to protect
Speaker 1: ourselves from future hurt from someone else getting too close
Speaker 1: to us, coming into our lives, feeling love for them,
Speaker 1: and then having them just completely break us down. And
Speaker 1: sometimes those experiences also actually convince us that we don't
Speaker 1: deserve to be loved, that anyone who loves us we
Speaker 1: have deceived them, we have lied to them so successfully,
Speaker 1: and one day they're going to wake up and they're
Speaker 1: going to see it like that person from our past.
Speaker 1: Did they hurt us so badly that anytime someone else
Speaker 1: wants to come through that door, wants to show us
Speaker 1: what we're missing, show us what we deserve, we see
Speaker 1: it as a threat, so we push away. We run away.
Speaker 1: We don't want to be confronted by these thoughts, by
Speaker 1: this potential for a bad outcome. All of this leads
Speaker 1: to a level of emotional unavailability. I think we often
Speaker 1: villainize people by calling them emotionally unavailable, which completely overlooks
Speaker 1: so many of the aforementioned factors and experiences, a lot
Speaker 1: of which happened to us. We're not exactly active in.
Speaker 1: We're passive to how other people have treated us, how
Speaker 1: other people have taught us to be loved and to
Speaker 1: receive love. No one wants to feel unlovable. No one
Speaker 1: wants to hold back, but they're doing so in a
Speaker 1: lot of cases to protect themselves, and it's often based
Speaker 1: in a lot of insecurity, a lot of fear patterns
Speaker 1: of avoidance that we can actually recover from if you
Speaker 1: haven't worked through these things. So if no one's ever
Speaker 1: said this to you, if no one's ever told you
Speaker 1: that this is how it was, this is how it is,
Speaker 1: this is how it works, you're going to continue to
Speaker 1: end up in those relationships that aren't fulfilling, to keep
Speaker 1: reverting to the status quo, the easy thing, which is
Speaker 1: to be alone. So we're going to discuss some of
Speaker 1: the consequences of that after this short break, as well
Speaker 1: as deconstructing your fear of intimacy and how to move
Speaker 1: past it in just a second. Even though a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still
Speaker 1: observe how it affects our behavior and our experiences. Fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy is such a struggle. There is so much
Speaker 1: shame involved, questioning why am I like this? And also
Speaker 1: a comparison to how everyone else in their twenties is
Speaker 1: looking like they're living their best lives. They're finding partners,
Speaker 1: they're telling us their love stories, they're getting married, they
Speaker 1: seem really happy, whilst we stay in this hypervigilant, anxious
Speaker 1: avoidance state, simultaneously wanting a relationship and petrified of what
Speaker 1: that might entail, what we could lose, getting hurt again,
Speaker 1: the courage to put ourselves out there, and just the
Speaker 1: strength that we might not have at this moment. Some
Speaker 1: other impacts include a cycle of emotionally shallow relationships that
Speaker 1: actually keep reaffirming what we already erroneously believe, which is
Speaker 1: that love is not fulfilling, It is going to hurt,
Speaker 1: it will end, it is not worth the commitment. We're
Speaker 1: actually accidentally creating a self fulfilling prophecy in those moments,
Speaker 1: because we are pursuing the kinds of relationships that never
Speaker 1: really challenge us, that match what we have come to
Speaker 1: expect from love, and so we never give ourselves the
Speaker 1: opportunity to know any differently. The foundations of our fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy. They remain unchanged, even if it looks like
Speaker 1: we are putting ourselves out there, even if we're serial dating.
Speaker 1: A lot of people who have spoken to who struggle
Speaker 1: with the fear of intimacy, they also talk about a
Speaker 1: persistent loneliness underneath it all. They do want more, they
Speaker 1: do want those relationships that are nourishing, but they keep
Speaker 1: self isolating or self sabotaging without even realizing that they're
Speaker 1: doing it. And they feel like they're doing it all wrong,
Speaker 1: that they're the ones who make mistakes, that they are
Speaker 1: just not worthy of love, they were just meant to
Speaker 1: be alone. I want you to be really gentle with
Speaker 1: yourself when those thoughts emerge. You are not alone in this,
Speaker 1: You are not always growing to be alone in this.
Speaker 1: So many people, people that I know, people I have
Speaker 1: spoken to, find fulfilling and wonderful and lifelong love out
Speaker 1: of a place of a fear of intimacy. Moving past
Speaker 1: a place of a fear of intimacy, and it's not
Speaker 1: a death sentence. It's just something to be aware of,
Speaker 1: an approach with kindness and forgiveness to yourself. So what
Speaker 1: can we actually do about addressing our fear of intimacy
Speaker 1: both within ourselves and also maybe within the people we're dating. Firstly,
Speaker 1: you need to do the deep internal work to firstly
Speaker 1: identify the root of this feeling. We've given kind of
Speaker 1: a selection of different explanations, but you are the only
Speaker 1: one who can understand how far back this spans, where
Speaker 1: this has come from, why this has occurred. I think
Speaker 1: professional assistance a therapist during this journey is incredible because
Speaker 1: they're going to be honest with you. They're going to
Speaker 1: prompt some of those larger epiphany moments. They're going to
Speaker 1: bring a neutrality to your situation that will be really helpful.
Speaker 1: That is going to break yourself Shamespichael, maybe break your
Speaker 1: pity party, break your self sabotage. I know though that
Speaker 1: therapy at the moment is quite inaccessible. It's expensive, the
Speaker 1: weightless are super long. So in the meantime, here are
Speaker 1: some questions that you can ask yourself to help get
Speaker 1: to that point. Of identifying where this feeling may have
Speaker 1: come from. So the first question I want you to
Speaker 1: ask yourself is what is the worst thing that could
Speaker 1: happen in a relationship? Is it the pain of it ending?
Speaker 1: Is it the fear that you will lose yourself, that
Speaker 1: you will have to share parts of yourself that are vulnerable?
Speaker 1: Why are you so scared of being in love and
Speaker 1: being seen? What are you actually worried about? Secondly, do
Speaker 1: you actually feel lovable? And if the answer is no,
Speaker 1: why is that? Is it because you are nursing a
Speaker 1: deeper insecurity That is actually the main issue here, but
Speaker 1: it is just manifesting in avoidance. Is it because someone
Speaker 1: has taught you in the past that you are unlovable
Speaker 1: and you've taken that to be truth. Is it because
Speaker 1: your parents created an environment where you felt undeserving of
Speaker 1: attention and care and emotional safety. Once again, this is
Speaker 1: really revealing. It helps you get to the core of
Speaker 1: the problem here, Where did this come from? Throughout this process,
Speaker 1: I think it's also valuable to start breaking down and
Speaker 1: really examining some of those false beliefs that we all
Speaker 1: have when it comes to love. Some of those examples,
Speaker 1: some examples of this include you know, love is easily broken.
Speaker 1: It's always going to disappear. If my relationship fails, that's
Speaker 1: going to prove that I'm unlovable. If I keep my distance,
Speaker 1: I'm safe and in control. I'm going to be people.
Speaker 1: People are going to be embarrassed of me if they're
Speaker 1: dating me. People are going to cringe me. Marriage, relationships
Speaker 1: they never work out, they always end. These beliefs all
Speaker 1: keep us in a place of fear. And of course,
Speaker 1: if you've had past experience with her, if your parents
Speaker 1: got divorced, if you've just had someone treat you really badly,
Speaker 1: it's not that you've actually, you know, been conscious and
Speaker 1: accepting those fears and accepting those false beliefs. They've something
Speaker 1: that you've learned unconsciously and implicitly from your environment. But
Speaker 1: you need to prove to yourself that they are not
Speaker 1: the whole truth. And the way we can do that
Speaker 1: is by visualizing ourselves in a relationship where none of
Speaker 1: this occurs, When none of this comes true, What would
Speaker 1: your ideal relationship look like? How would it feel to
Speaker 1: be loved and cherished? And is that desire bigger than
Speaker 1: fear for you? Is that something that you really you
Speaker 1: really want. What activities would you do with your partner?
Speaker 1: What small ways would they show you love and you
Speaker 1: show them love and return? How would it feel to say,
Speaker 1: you know, in five years like I confronted my fear
Speaker 1: and I proved it wrong and now I have this
Speaker 1: really good thing. And would you be okay if it
Speaker 1: didn't work out? Yeah, you totally would be. You totally
Speaker 1: would be. Now. Part of this is also about questioning
Speaker 1: whether this relationship is actually possible. Have you seen an
Speaker 1: example of this or is there a version of this
Speaker 1: person that you would actually want? Would you be willing
Speaker 1: to compromise on some of those things that you really
Speaker 1: really think are necessary in a relationship. I'm going to
Speaker 1: say this again. You're allowed to want big things for yourself,
Speaker 1: but don't let that hold you back from a relationship
Speaker 1: that might not look perfect straight out the gate, but
Speaker 1: takes time to grow. Like I said before, sometimes we
Speaker 1: create such impossible standards to actually keep our walls high.
Speaker 1: This does not mean that you need to settle by
Speaker 1: no means, but actually that you should examine what conditions
Speaker 1: for love you are unfairly imposing as a way to
Speaker 1: actually protect yourself. This links to my next piece of advice,
Speaker 1: in a way, be wary of doing a complete one
Speaker 1: point eight when it comes to dating and just artificially
Speaker 1: accelerating any form of intimacy or connection you have with
Speaker 1: anyone to just get that label. I think that what
Speaker 1: we're doing here when we're like, Okay, i have a
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy, I'm just going to get into a
Speaker 1: relationship and work it all out, what we're doing is
Speaker 1: putting ourselves through flooding or exposure therapy. So this time
Speaker 1: flooding is actually something that we borrow from phobia treatment,
Speaker 1: when people are scared of snakes or flying or dogs
Speaker 1: or whatever, clowns, whatever it may be. Some therapists engage
Speaker 1: in this technique where they force us to confront our
Speaker 1: fears in their most intense and severe form. For example,
Speaker 1: if you are scared of enclosed spaces, they make you
Speaker 1: sit in and elevate it for hours as a way
Speaker 1: to bring on pads and then help you work through it.
Speaker 1: This really helps with objects. The thing is is that
Speaker 1: love is not an object or a singular situation. It
Speaker 1: is so much more nuanced and multi dimensional than that.
Speaker 1: But sometimes we try to almost flood ourselves with a
Speaker 1: really intense relationship to speed up the recovery process. In
Speaker 1: this kind of like DIY healing kind of vibe, like
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna take the crash course here, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna put myself on the accelerated path. This actually might
Speaker 1: backfire and it will cause you to just reinforce all
Speaker 1: the previous ideas that you had about love, that it
Speaker 1: ends that it is not good, that it is shallow.
Speaker 1: It might sound counterintuitive, but I actually think you need
Speaker 1: to take a break from dating for a while to
Speaker 1: perhaps interrupt that cycle of emotionally unfulfilling relationships or situations,
Speaker 1: or that pattern of bad dates, that pattern of self sabotage.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes it's important to ask yourself, are you
Speaker 1: actually just bearing yourself and these temporary feelings in these
Speaker 1: white based dating apps to ignore what's really going on.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to expose the fear of intimacy out
Speaker 1: of you, flood it out of you? Or is it
Speaker 1: something else? I think be wary of going completely in
Speaker 1: the opposite direction as you move through this journey, and
Speaker 1: instead take six months starting today, maybe starting tomorrow. Let's
Speaker 1: say starting tomorrow, so we have some time to prepare.
Speaker 1: Take six months to just really focus on building yourself
Speaker 1: back up, to regain your confidence, to recognize that you're amazing,
Speaker 1: To nourish those secret gardens as we call them, to
Speaker 1: reconstruct and reform and remold all of those negative, unhelpful
Speaker 1: attitudes you have about love. There is this amazing resource online.
Speaker 1: It's called psycho Life. I will leave a link in
Speaker 1: the description, but they put it really well. You need
Speaker 1: to challenge your negative opinions and attitudes towards yourself before
Speaker 1: you can really let people in. Because half the reason
Speaker 1: when we resist connection and love is because we feel
Speaker 1: undeserving or we are terrified that we don't have what
Speaker 1: it takes to be properly seen and loved and cared for.
Speaker 1: When you are in a relationship and perhaps you're noticing
Speaker 1: the urge to push somebody away, that pattern of conflict,
Speaker 1: of emotional bits of self sabotage, over communicate as much
Speaker 1: as you possibly can. Sometimes the only way out is through,
Speaker 1: and what we fear here may be vulnerability, But we
Speaker 1: kind of have to prove it to ourselves that we
Speaker 1: can raise our concerns, We can talk about our anxieties
Speaker 1: and we will receive the reassurance that we need. It's
Speaker 1: not going to be the end of the world to
Speaker 1: let someone in. It's actually going to be such a
Speaker 1: catharsis such a relief to finally like go of all
Speaker 1: those things we keep to ourselves, all of those fears,
Speaker 1: and have someone listen and respond. Now, if someone can't
Speaker 1: provide you with that reassurance and that just like space
Speaker 1: to listen and understand, it's not you, you are in
Speaker 1: the wrong relationship, and staying until it falls apart may
Speaker 1: only further entrench the core beliefs that are causing you
Speaker 1: to run away from love and intimacy. We do see
Speaker 1: a fear of intimacy being caused by adult relationships, and honestly,
Speaker 1: you can't risk all the work you're doing towards, you know,
Speaker 1: deconstructing your fear of intimacy on someone who might be
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable, but not doing what you're doing, which is
Speaker 1: healing and moving past that and actually taking the time
Speaker 1: to really understand the origin, understand how it manifests, understand
Speaker 1: how it is creating unhealthy patterns or behaviors in you.
Speaker 1: You know, the chances of that happening, of you actually
Speaker 1: being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable
Speaker 1: whilst you are healing a fear of intimacy. It's actually
Speaker 1: a lot greater than we might expect, because we see
Speaker 1: a lot of people explaining that emotionally unavailable people are
Speaker 1: more likely to date and be attracted to other emotionally
Speaker 1: unavailable people because you know that they will never challenge you.
Speaker 1: So if your partner is the one who exemplifies intimacy avoidance,
Speaker 1: remember you are an ally in this, but you are
Speaker 1: not their therapist. You cannot solve their problem for them.
Speaker 1: I actually think pushing them too hard to do the
Speaker 1: deep internal work that you might be doing to counteract
Speaker 1: their negative beliefs and attitudes towards love may actually have
Speaker 1: the reverse effect you intended and cause them to borrow
Speaker 1: further into their fear, especially if the root of that
Speaker 1: fear is a fear of engulfment. I think instead you
Speaker 1: need a practice staying emotionally present for your own sake
Speaker 1: and sitting with your own fears and working through them,
Speaker 1: and letting your partner do that work for themselves in parallel.
Speaker 1: Communicate what you need, ask them what they need. It's
Speaker 1: the age old rule of aloha, ask, listen, observe, help,
Speaker 1: and ask again. That is all you can do. And
Speaker 1: when I say help, what I mean is ask them
Speaker 1: what they need you to do? Is it reasonable? Is
Speaker 1: it something you can help them with? Can you reassure them?
Speaker 1: Can you maybe give them some space if that's what
Speaker 1: they need to just process things. But if they're asking you, like, hey,
Speaker 1: actually I want to break up for like a couple
Speaker 1: of months because like this is just too much. No,
Speaker 1: that is not your job. Like, you are not their
Speaker 1: sounding board for the techniques that may or may not
Speaker 1: work in making them more emotionally unavailable. You are not
Speaker 1: their test dummy. You are not their guinea pig. You
Speaker 1: are someone who is worthy of love in yourself. In
Speaker 1: of itself, you're worthy of love even if that person
Speaker 1: isn't able to provide that yet. And I think that
Speaker 1: staying in those relationships is actually going to keep you
Speaker 1: on a version of yourself that you're ready to outgrow.
Speaker 1: You don't you know? It's kind of a hard reality,
Speaker 1: is that you can't always bring the person you're with,
Speaker 1: or bring the person you want to take with you
Speaker 1: on this journey. They might not always be ready or
Speaker 1: or prepared or at the level that you are, And
Speaker 1: I think that, as hard as it might be, sometimes
Speaker 1: you need to walk away. You cannot heal someone who
Speaker 1: is not yet at the stage of believing that anything
Speaker 1: is wrong. You cannot heal someone who is not committed
Speaker 1: to growth the way that you are. And maybe you
Speaker 1: would be better breaking your own heart being alone for
Speaker 1: a while, so that you can find someone who matches
Speaker 1: where you are at and who can give you what
Speaker 1: you need, and who can show you how deserving of
Speaker 1: love you really are without you needing to beg for it.
Speaker 1: Don't stay in those situations just because you don't think
Speaker 1: you deserve better, just because someone in your past has
Speaker 1: taught you these negative false beliefs about your inner worth.
Speaker 1: You really do owe yourself so much more than that.
Speaker 1: You really do. You're a wonderful person. You'll you know.
Speaker 1: The fact that you're listening to this episode shows me
Speaker 1: that you are committed to actually learning more about yourself,
Speaker 1: shows me that you are that you are vulnerable with yourself,
Speaker 1: that you are self aware. Those are all incredibly positive
Speaker 1: attributes that you don't want to waste on someone who
Speaker 1: is emotionally unavailable. So some final rapid tips here process.
Speaker 1: Don't avoid the shame or pain. Keep a journal of
Speaker 1: what you're thinking. Write down those negative false beliefs in
Speaker 1: those attitudes, because I think you might be better able
Speaker 1: to rationalize them. Take a chance on yourself. You don't
Speaker 1: need to hide away or disappear. Take risks, share more,
Speaker 1: Invite people in, even when it's hard. Slowly accustom yourself
Speaker 1: to what vulnerability might feel like for you. Put yourself
Speaker 1: in situations where you are celebrated, not just tolerated, even
Speaker 1: if that means leaving friendships that you feel safe in
Speaker 1: right now because they aren't as emotionally fulfilling as you deserve.
Speaker 1: And write down some affirmations about your openness and receptiveness
Speaker 1: to love and keep them somewhere visible as a reminder.
Speaker 1: My favorites are pretty simple, but like I'm worthy of love,
Speaker 1: Love flows effortlessly into my life. Love is joyful. I
Speaker 1: am enough. I am worthy of a love that reflects
Speaker 1: my true value. My heart is open to receive love
Speaker 1: in all of its forms. I know that when we
Speaker 1: talk about affirmations it sounds pretty wishy washy, but there
Speaker 1: is really something to be said about creating your reality
Speaker 1: through the words that you speak to yourself through the
Speaker 1: thoughts and cognitions that you have about yourself. If anything,
Speaker 1: it can't hurt. I think that it's incredibly helpful. I
Speaker 1: think that it's incredibly powerful to remind yourself without needing
Speaker 1: that external validation that you are deserving and that there
Speaker 1: is love coming your way that will make you the
Speaker 1: most open, honest, vulnerable version of yourself. So I really
Speaker 1: hope that this episode has been of some help, that
Speaker 1: you've learned a little bit more about where a fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy comes from, what it creates, the behaviors that
Speaker 1: are associated with it, but also how to heal the
Speaker 1: first kind of initial steps to moving forward. You've already there,
Speaker 1: Like you've already recognized this. If you've recognized it in
Speaker 1: a partner, have some grace, have a level of forgiveness,
Speaker 1: but also take care of yourself and realize that it's
Speaker 1: not you. It really isn't you. This person has probably
Speaker 1: learned a lot of what they are projecting on you
Speaker 1: from past relationships, from childhood, and at some point you
Speaker 1: might need to, like I said, break your own heart
Speaker 1: for the better, for the better for yourself. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening as always. If you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode, please make sure that you are following along
Speaker 1: for future episodes. Make sure you leave a five star
Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now.
Speaker 1: And if you have someone who needs to hear this episode,
Speaker 1: please feel free to share it with them. Maybe they
Speaker 1: can take something out of it the way that you
Speaker 1: have as well. This episode was actually a suggestion from
Speaker 1: quite a few listeners, so if you have a suggestion,
Speaker 1: please feel free to message me on Instagram at that
Speaker 1: psychology podcast or you can follow me at gemma speG
Speaker 1: to see more of what's going on. We will be
Speaker 1: back on Friday with another episode MHM