Speaker 1: Hey, this is Andy and Samantha become stuff.
Speaker 2: I never told your production of iHeart Radio.
Speaker 3: And we are back with another happy hour. But we're
Speaker 3: calling this, I guess an unhappy hour. I don't know,
Speaker 3: it's a life check hour. Okay, adding new names of things.
Speaker 3: But before we start, as always, if you are drinking
Speaker 3: or partaking of anything to enjoy this episode, be responsible
Speaker 3: and take care of yourself. Always take care of yourself.
Speaker 3: And if we're talking about product, we're not necessarily being
Speaker 3: sponsored by that product. Currently things change, who knows, but
Speaker 3: none of the things that we're talking about today is
Speaker 3: a current sponsor as of now. So Annie, what are
Speaker 3: you sipping.
Speaker 1: Own light beer?
Speaker 2: Like he's my last one?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: This is good because I'm trying to clear out my
Speaker 2: friend a happy occasion.
Speaker 3: It's an interesting goal, like I know, cleaning it out,
Speaker 3: but you're like trying to like and try it out.
Speaker 4: No, it's fact. My friend I had friends over this weekend.
Speaker 4: They opened it up in like casploun It's really no,
Speaker 4: because it's all stuff I'm saving for other things. Oh,
Speaker 4: like I have my Dungeons and Dragons beer. That's saving
Speaker 4: for Dungeons and Dragons forever and like a bunch of
Speaker 4: stuff like that.
Speaker 3: So no, no, we have to get an update after
Speaker 3: your last next one, obviously if your dungeons and dragons.
Speaker 1: I'm sticking with my bubbly water.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 3: It's been a rough few days, so I don't drink
Speaker 3: that much. Let's just get down to it. Uh, that's
Speaker 3: just who I am.
Speaker 5: Now.
Speaker 3: We did go and celebrate together not too long ago,
Speaker 3: and I had a couple of drinks. Like I had
Speaker 3: literally two drinks. I woke up hungover.
Speaker 1: It is not fun. I do not like this.
Speaker 3: So I've decided I don't think I'm gonna rink that
Speaker 3: much at all, if I do at all, because maybe
Speaker 3: it's sugary drinks. Maybe it's just because I can't take
Speaker 3: it anymore. Maybe that I've just been really dizzy a
Speaker 3: lot lately and so it doesn't help.
Speaker 1: Who knows.
Speaker 3: Maybe I'm fartigo who knows self diagnosing all the time.
Speaker 3: But before we start with this episode, it put a
Speaker 3: content warning. We're going to talk about death and religious
Speaker 3: religious trauma in general, aging, I guess, because there's a
Speaker 3: lot when it comes to this. So if y'all don't
Speaker 3: want to listen to me whine about aging, y'all might want.
Speaker 1: To hop off, because I get it.
Speaker 3: I get it also, but if you want to hear
Speaker 3: about my quirky family, stick around, y'all stick around. But yeah,
Speaker 3: So with that, just recently lost my aunt, my dad's sister.
Speaker 3: She has been in care for a while. She's had
Speaker 3: dementia apparently for a long time, and it's gotten worse.
Speaker 3: Her husband who also passed away earlier at the end
Speaker 3: of last year, so about five months ago so, and
Speaker 3: he was going through a pretty harsh about of dementia
Speaker 3: as well, that he was getting kind of volatile because
Speaker 3: he was so unaware and a little bit of paranoia
Speaker 3: had stepped in. But he has him and his wife,
Speaker 3: my aunt and my uncle, their children are like two
Speaker 3: of them are nurses and works at one of the
Speaker 3: work at like a care facility for dementia patients specifically,
Speaker 3: which I didn't realize existed in l J, Georgia, but
Speaker 3: it does.
Speaker 1: And so they were under good care.
Speaker 3: And I think they were comfortable, as people like to say,
Speaker 3: towards the end. My dad is significantly younger than her
Speaker 3: his other siblings because he was the baby. He's a
Speaker 3: baby of the family. He's still in his sixties. He's
Speaker 3: still in his late sixties, but like they were eighties,
Speaker 3: like in they're in their eighties. I have two aunts
Speaker 3: left on that side of the family, my mom's side
Speaker 3: of the family. They are they aboth, still exist and
Speaker 3: they're not that much older. Actually their age is a
Speaker 3: little bit different, but so my other two aunts are
Speaker 3: in their eighties as well. And I don't see my
Speaker 3: family often, especially that side of the family, actually either
Speaker 3: side of the family. I don't go to a lot
Speaker 3: of family get togethers. I don't know if that's part
Speaker 3: of my like trauma and my anxiety and in general
Speaker 3: and when it comes to my attachment theories and family
Speaker 3: biological family, which I don't hold dear oftentimes, Like I
Speaker 3: am very loyal and I love my family and I
Speaker 3: will fight for them, but I also will criticize them
Speaker 3: very quickly and understanding that they are wrong in so
Speaker 3: many ways, just like I am.
Speaker 1: I'm sure, but.
Speaker 3: For me, like seeing any kind of racist or bigotry,
Speaker 3: which happens a lot because they stand on their religious
Speaker 3: beliefs as a part of their reasoning for this, I
Speaker 3: don't do too well in any of that. And this
Speaker 3: side of the family is very old fashioned. I'm trying
Speaker 3: to keep this.
Speaker 1: Respectful.
Speaker 3: They're very old fashioned and some of the beliefs that.
Speaker 1: I grew up with. I've talked about this before.
Speaker 3: Uh there's not even really a name for this sect
Speaker 3: of Baptists. I've heard foot washing Baptist. I've heard there
Speaker 3: was another one country Baptist, a primal uh P first Baptist.
Speaker 3: I think this is what it's called. But I think,
Speaker 3: like when I read it, like that's not the same
Speaker 3: thing because they don't necessarily believe in tongues. They don't
Speaker 3: believe in like snake handling. That's not a they're not
Speaker 3: a Pentecostal, that old school Pentecostal ideal, because New Pentecostal
Speaker 3: is a different level too. They don't believe like what
Speaker 3: they don't believe in seminaries. They think that's going against
Speaker 3: the spirit. In general, they're very old old King James
Speaker 3: version only. I think my parents kind of have stepped
Speaker 3: away from that, realizing this is a old fashion. You know,
Speaker 3: maybe we should look around. Nope, no pants and church,
Speaker 3: no women speaking, no deacons, all those things. You get
Speaker 3: called on, And when I say called on, you just
Speaker 3: get a feeling essentially about like becoming a preacher or
Speaker 3: speaking or any of that. And you can be young,
Speaker 3: like they don't care how those you are.
Speaker 1: If you say you.
Speaker 3: Have the calling, which is what they call it, then
Speaker 3: you can be a preacher. I think I've met seventeen
Speaker 3: year old preachers who lead churches and become the leader
Speaker 3: of churches, and you're like, what the all that to say?
Speaker 1: So really odd?
Speaker 3: Like I remember one service, this dude got up and
Speaker 3: yelled and preached about how women were wearing makeup or
Speaker 3: sinners and causing people to sin and this is what's
Speaker 3: wrong with the world.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what's that? What's that? What's happening?
Speaker 3: Even to the point that my family was like no,
Speaker 3: like they are like but they allowed it, Like it's
Speaker 3: all these things. So with all that, that's that side
Speaker 3: of the family. And I'm the reason I'm giving y
Speaker 3: all this heads up. My partner, who has his mom,
Speaker 3: is religious like in that she prays and she will
Speaker 3: read the Bible and she used to go to church.
Speaker 1: She is also very understated. She's very liberal.
Speaker 3: She is all about women's rights, she is all about understanding.
Speaker 3: Like she and I align of politically very well.
Speaker 1: And she's like.
Speaker 3: Like a Democrat who's trying to see things through like it,
Speaker 3: has been working for the party since her college years,
Speaker 3: Like she was one of the first to think women
Speaker 3: to be a part of that association and looking at
Speaker 3: women's rights and votings and all that, so very cool.
Speaker 3: So that's as religious I think. And then I think
Speaker 3: his follow is Catholic. I believe he told me.
Speaker 1: But not religious.
Speaker 3: So all that to say is I had to prepare
Speaker 3: him for what my service was, and I went to
Speaker 3: the extreme of like, Okay, look, imagine again this is
Speaker 3: where I'm like, I'm pretty sure much like Menia things,
Speaker 3: especially when you go into the times of enslavement and
Speaker 3: all that where you had lower class white people who
Speaker 3: were not enslaved but not well off and like stealing
Speaker 3: from black culture.
Speaker 1: Like I think this is where this is coming from.
Speaker 3: Because my church, I had to explain it as imagine
Speaker 3: you're going listening to a black preacher, so a little
Speaker 3: more cinematic, a little more drama. But they're screaming, yelling
Speaker 3: at you, sometimes with a sing songy voice, with things
Speaker 3: that don't make sense and probably have some bigoted statements.
Speaker 3: And then they take one verse from the Bible and
Speaker 3: they rent about it for a good thirty minutes, and
Speaker 3: it may have nothing to do with the actual chapter
Speaker 3: of the Bible, so I have to explain this. And
Speaker 3: they will do this at a funeral, and oftentimes they
Speaker 3: have three or four pastors. So I told them very prepove,
Speaker 3: like if they be an hour and maybe thirty minut in,
Speaker 3: maybe three hours, we don't know.
Speaker 1: So he was just like, oh damn.
Speaker 3: And I was like, and I don't know. Sometimes they
Speaker 3: do some odd things, and this might include literally washing
Speaker 3: people's feet, telling people to come to the front to
Speaker 3: pray individually, get laid hands like, which doesn't sound unusual
Speaker 3: when you're not used to all of these elements.
Speaker 1: I was like, you.
Speaker 3: Just are gonna have to prepare. You might have people shouting,
Speaker 3: like literally screaming for no reason, but so all these
Speaker 3: things and it sounds like I'm trying to scare people.
Speaker 3: But when I told him and he came in, it
Speaker 3: wasn't as.
Speaker 1: Bad as I thought that.
Speaker 3: I gave him the worst case scenarios of what I
Speaker 3: was sa scene, but it wasn't that bad. We did have
Speaker 3: an older man who I'm sure had pretty severe in
Speaker 3: phasema trying to yell, sing, songy, but not even sing songy.
Speaker 3: It just becomes yelling preaching about the mystical ideas of heaven.
Speaker 3: We'll just keep it at that. Like I'm trying to imagine,
Speaker 3: like how to say this, and I forgot to tell
Speaker 3: him because different people have different practices that they do
Speaker 3: leave the casket open. Not only that, like you go
Speaker 3: before see the family, see the casket open.
Speaker 1: They have it for a couple of days.
Speaker 3: It's not necessarily awake because there's no fun part to
Speaker 3: this except for people who you know, get to reminiscence
Speaker 3: see each other and then coming in and then you
Speaker 3: walk around the casket to see them again. And I
Speaker 3: have to put it, put on a big show and
Speaker 3: then hug everyone, even if you don't know everyone, which
Speaker 3: by the way, I forgot half of the people.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, and he was going to go.
Speaker 3: With me because he's a supportive partner, and I was like,
Speaker 3: you don't want to do this, And as he was
Speaker 3: watching everybody, he's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna stay back here.
Speaker 3: Because for him, as he's met my immediate family and
Speaker 3: as in fact he had met one of my aunts,
Speaker 3: he now met the entire family whom I don't even
Speaker 3: talk to as much. And this is also a part
Speaker 3: of the family who have pretty big gooded ideas and
Speaker 3: made sure to publicly humiliate people who they felt are wrong,
Speaker 3: and that could be like whether it's queer. I was
Speaker 3: apparently talked about about, Oh no, she went to Atlanta,
Speaker 3: which means the devil got a hold of me, essentially
Speaker 3: that I have turned away from Jesus and I talked
Speaker 3: about it. They talked about the fact that Savetha's gone
Speaker 3: to Atlanta.
Speaker 1: Oh no, like that.
Speaker 3: So this is the same side of the family that
Speaker 3: did all of this and that has all this conversation.
Speaker 1: So trying to prepare my partner for this was surreal.
Speaker 1: But also.
Speaker 3: With all of these things, And I'm laughing a little
Speaker 3: bit about it because there were moments where I tried
Speaker 3: not to laugh during because everything I was telling him
Speaker 3: could tell it. He was like, oh God, oh God,
Speaker 3: like when you bring someone to something and you don't
Speaker 3: mean to but it becomes kind of a show that
Speaker 3: you were like, but in like laughing because it's it's
Speaker 3: that moment of like, this is my life. If this
Speaker 3: was a movie, this was what it's like having those moments.
Speaker 3: But with that, I also witnessed my father kissing his
Speaker 3: sister for the last time, who was not present because
Speaker 3: she was dead, you know, seeing that, like having that
Speaker 3: as scene, but also seeing the fact that this is
Speaker 3: out of the five siblings that he has, there's six of.
Speaker 1: Them, there's only two left.
Speaker 3: And the first thing he said to me was like,
Speaker 3: you know so and so, who one of my aunts
Speaker 3: fought and seen in years, was like, she she looks frail,
Speaker 3: doesn't she. She looks like she's gotten older, which I
Speaker 3: think I think she looked. I was, honestly, I was like, actually,
Speaker 3: I think she looks great. She looks much better than
Speaker 3: I thought. And she has been a smoker for the
Speaker 3: past sevens like sixty five years, Like she's been smoking
Speaker 3: for sixty five years, and.
Speaker 1: She still looks great.
Speaker 3: Like she's still walking and there's no walker, there's no
Speaker 3: you know, like she's coherent. She can hear me well,
Speaker 3: like all these things. At eighty one and to me,
Speaker 3: she doesn't look at you one. And my other aunt,
Speaker 3: who is at eighty four eighty two, I think I
Speaker 3: think he's eighty four, also looks great. It is very
Speaker 3: coherent and like like I've seen her a few times
Speaker 3: because she comes to our family stuff and like it's
Speaker 3: good to see, but knowing that he is watching them age,
Speaker 3: and then I'm watching my father and my mother age
Speaker 3: as well, and there's so many unspoken things there that
Speaker 3: I feel like I have a level of guilt and shame,
Speaker 3: but at the same time, like also a little bit
Speaker 3: of resentment lying here. And then also this takes me
Speaker 3: to you know, and I've talked about this previously, wanting
Speaker 3: to try to find my biological family, but wondering if
Speaker 3: any of them are alive. I don't know the ages
Speaker 3: of my biological family. And then knowing that my biological father,
Speaker 3: I don't know the history with him. I don't know
Speaker 3: if he actually knew that I was going to be adopted.
Speaker 3: I don't know if he actually knew I was ever
Speaker 3: placed in an orphanage, because he was not a part
Speaker 3: of that family decision from what I'm aware of, Like
Speaker 3: all of these things, there are so many things that
Speaker 3: I can't coab so all of these things are tumbling
Speaker 3: on top of me with the death of my aunt,
Speaker 3: who honestly I was close with her for a while,
Speaker 3: but I distanced myself from them because I very heavily
Speaker 3: disagreed with a lot of things that they have done
Speaker 3: when it comes to like personal opinions as such. I mean,
Speaker 3: twenty to sixteen really ficked up a lot of relationships.
Speaker 3: And I really think that that's part of this for
Speaker 3: me and trying to figure all this out, and with that,
Speaker 3: figure all this out, figure my identity out, figure out
Speaker 3: my place in my family, which feels uncertain or at
Speaker 3: least like damaged. I guess, I know, I don't know
Speaker 3: how to say that. And then with that be because
Speaker 3: there's we have gone so differently in our opinions and
Speaker 3: our makeup, Like me going away from social work to
Speaker 3: this podcast really brought a barrier down, really brought some
Speaker 3: things down that I think my parents are somewhat ashamed of,
Speaker 3: you know, like that that's this level. So I don't know,
Speaker 3: and because I now know that I'm the cousin who
Speaker 3: went to Atlanta, I lost her way. But also when
Speaker 3: I do see them, and I do hug them and
Speaker 3: I do talk to them, and this is meant to
Speaker 3: be a compliment, but it still kind of gets me
Speaker 3: just like, you know, I love you as one of
Speaker 3: my own, which has said to me a lot that
Speaker 3: I'm like I know I'm supposed to receive that with openness,
Speaker 3: but you need to understand this, like that context of
Speaker 3: being like a white savior like that. Everyone that I
Speaker 3: hear from, as well as people who hear my story,
Speaker 3: they're like, oh my god, your parents are amazing. They
Speaker 3: really they really took you in as one of your own.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I feel like a dog. I feel like
Speaker 3: a puppy. Which don't get me wrong, my puppy is
Speaker 3: very left and she is one of mine. All of that,
Speaker 3: so there are so many things that presses on me
Speaker 3: in this time. And because of those types of moments
Speaker 3: and those resentments or maybe feeling like maybe they're ashamed
Speaker 3: of me or like disappointed in me because I'm not
Speaker 3: what they had hoped. I'm not the token that they
Speaker 3: had hoped I would be. There lies this level of anxiety.
Speaker 3: I have been anxious for four days knowing that I
Speaker 3: was going to this funeral, knowing that I was going
Speaker 3: to see the family, and knowing that I had to
Speaker 3: portray this like obviously, I'm already uncomfortable with death. Everybody's
Speaker 3: uncomfortable with death to a certain degree. I went through
Speaker 3: that period that and everybody who goes through this and
Speaker 3: I know, you know of like experiencing death and then
Speaker 3: somehow revolving around some significant things that make you think, oh,
Speaker 3: this is the sign of something bigger.
Speaker 1: And it's not good.
Speaker 3: This is an almondous like stands like all of these
Speaker 3: things feel like it's piling up on this. So the
Speaker 3: anxiety coming at this point, like the last five days,
Speaker 3: my like ritz Crackers not a sponsor, y'all. And I
Speaker 3: know probably was probably supposed to be like boycotting them somehow.
Speaker 3: I don't know, because every brand needs to be boycotted,
Speaker 3: I understand, but have been like my source of food
Speaker 3: that and fruit, like that's all I've been eating because
Speaker 3: my anxiety won't let me eat any of that. On
Speaker 3: top of all of these things, and then going to
Speaker 3: the funeral, I took a half a diaz a PAM.
Speaker 3: Thank you doctor Warner who helped me with my teeth
Speaker 3: because he's the one that prescribed me.
Speaker 1: And I had a few left.
Speaker 3: Over, and I'm like, yeah, need that need that, uh
Speaker 3: to go And through that, I was like able to
Speaker 3: make it through without like feeling like I was going
Speaker 3: to break had have a panic attack. My partner again
Speaker 3: accompanying me to this was significan It was one of
Speaker 3: those things like you don't have to come, but if
Speaker 3: you don't come, this is going to impact our relations,
Speaker 3: which he knew like he wouldn't even that wasn't even
Speaker 3: a thought, like he absolutely showed up. But all of
Speaker 3: those things have left me in such an odd state,
Speaker 3: like it's just it's a pause, it's a fog where nothing,
Speaker 3: where everything feels trivial, nothing quite makes sense. But I
Speaker 3: feel like it shouldn't affect me this much. And it
Speaker 3: could be that I'm we are not over the world's disaster,
Speaker 3: so when some small personal thing happens, it feels like
Speaker 3: that's the final drop that makes everything crack. And that
Speaker 3: could be where it was. And I will say I
Speaker 3: didn't even though I was also close to my uncle
Speaker 3: and who passed away five months ago, it didn't feel
Speaker 3: like this. I don't know what the shock is. I
Speaker 3: don't know what this is. It doesn't quite make sense
Speaker 3: for me. But like all of these things, like opening
Speaker 3: myself up personally and being like, welcome to the chaos
Speaker 3: of my family. I'm sorry, and trying to like build
Speaker 3: that up to realizing we're all aging, like I'm like,
Speaker 3: I'm watching my face age. I'm washing my hairs turn gray,
Speaker 3: you know, being forties, and I know that's not old.
Speaker 3: And I don't feel old except for every now and
Speaker 3: the end. My body is like pop pop pop pop pop,
Speaker 3: don't get up, but like aging, like just watching that happen.
Speaker 3: On top of like feeling like I might be losing
Speaker 3: chances with the fact that I still don't have a
Speaker 3: firm grasp of culture, of my culture, of a culture
Speaker 3: in general, because I feel like I'm borrowing Southern culture
Speaker 3: because I was placed here, you know, And so those
Speaker 3: things with the anxiety, with the panic, with the crisis
Speaker 3: that's happening in the United States and with the crisis
Speaker 3: that's happening internationally, and feeling like everything is falling apart
Speaker 3: that bridge following you're like, what the heck is happening.
Speaker 3: I saw a video like all the I thought that
Speaker 3: the Cicada's all turning gay. You're welcome at Annie. I
Speaker 3: wasn't wow, deep dive in that with me sending you that.
Speaker 1: That I started gay.
Speaker 2: I got that first thing in the morning.
Speaker 4: It was like the first thing I read this ordio,
Speaker 4: I was like, oh, I was.
Speaker 1: Like, how did I jump here? Like I know cicadas
Speaker 1: are coming, but they're gay, Like what okay, hey nature?
Speaker 3: But all of these things, it feels, it feels, it
Speaker 3: feels huge to me, And I know this is a
Speaker 3: neurotic view of like what's actually happening.
Speaker 1: And again like.
Speaker 3: She was my aunt and I loved her and I
Speaker 3: haven't seen her in a while, and I feel like
Speaker 3: this shouldn't have been the catalyst that pushed me into
Speaker 3: this point, but somehow I'm here and like feeling like
Speaker 3: I can't organize it. Does that makes sense? Even as
Speaker 3: I'm telling he doesn't, like, I think I just made
Speaker 3: this like even compete more confusing.
Speaker 2: No, that makes sense. I this is a.
Speaker 4: Very like much lower key situation, but hopefully the metaphor
Speaker 4: will stand. One time I was at I was at
Speaker 4: physical therapy and I was just like visibly upset and
Speaker 4: the guy my therapist was like, you know, trying to
Speaker 4: get to the bottom.
Speaker 2: What was wrong.
Speaker 4: I was like, I feel like I'm not giving you
Speaker 4: standard numbers, like you always ask me, like how much
Speaker 4: pain I'm in? Right, I feel like I'm not giving
Speaker 4: you standard numbers. And he was like, but it doesn't
Speaker 4: really matter, like this day, even if that pain yesterday
Speaker 4: was just a two for you, if now it's a four,
Speaker 4: is it a four?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 4: So I think like it makes sense you and I
Speaker 4: I do this a lot or we're trying to, like,
Speaker 4: especially in our job, you're always trying to like put
Speaker 4: into place like on a scale, right, like it should
Speaker 4: be here, but sometimes it's just not how it works.
Speaker 4: And like it is also all related, you know, like
Speaker 4: it's true the world is in total chaos. We have
Speaker 4: had a lot of friends, a lot of people in
Speaker 4: our life that are having illnesses. Scares this like that's
Speaker 4: going to impact you. So it's I don't think like
Speaker 4: those things. It feels like it should be logical in
Speaker 4: a way, but it's just not really it doesn't fit
Speaker 4: into that right.
Speaker 3: I mean this, yeah, maybe absolutely is like my avoidant
Speaker 3: personality and being like I will not be a weepy girl.
Speaker 3: And yes, I'm saying this is like this is a
Speaker 3: very sexist like internalized misogyny that I have that if
Speaker 3: I can't logically walk through this and iout low for
Speaker 3: something that a death is hard and painful, but like
Speaker 3: I'm rationalizing why it shouldn't be as a big deal
Speaker 3: to me personal like these are all these things that
Speaker 3: I'm like, this shows that I have strength because like
Speaker 3: there's also this part of me like I'm like I've
Speaker 3: grown up with loss, like that is what I know,
Speaker 3: Like that is this, Like I've always prepared for loss,
Speaker 3: like inevitably, this pessimist inside of me is like, yeah,
Speaker 3: everybody's gonna leave whatever that looks like, this is what
Speaker 3: it looks like. But also and understanding that my reaction,
Speaker 3: my reactionary response has changed but hasn't and that whole
Speaker 3: just shut down, which I have partially done, but at
Speaker 3: the same time like denial because I feel like I
Speaker 3: don't have time for this. But all of that is
Speaker 3: saying it's been an interesting.
Speaker 1: And also trying to be.
Speaker 3: I'm not a planner. I'm not I'm not a like
Speaker 3: a I'm not a type A person. I'm absolutely like
Speaker 3: the like laid back, low key uh to a tour. No,
Speaker 3: that's not true. I take up what is needed. That's
Speaker 3: actually my personality. If I need to lead, I will,
Speaker 3: but I'd rather not so I'll let other people lead
Speaker 3: if there's other people who lead, Like that's that's my
Speaker 3: personality type. But like so having this like wanting to
Speaker 3: prep my partner, like I went and bought clothes for
Speaker 3: him to be like, we need to eat all in black.
Speaker 3: And then I showed up but if everyone was in red,
Speaker 3: I was like, what because apparently sort a favorite color.
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, okay, well bright spring and
Speaker 3: my mother wasn't beautiful very pretty spring colors. I was like,
Speaker 3: and we looked like we just came out of an
Speaker 3: episode of Matrix. So like.
Speaker 1: It was just like, oh, okay, okay. My partner was like,
Speaker 1: I think I think we're too black, and I was like, nah,
Speaker 1: we're good because this is what I would wear it
Speaker 1: every day anyway. But it was a whole thing.
Speaker 3: But I would in panic mode trying to buy things
Speaker 3: from me and him because that was the level like
Speaker 3: I have to do this, this and this, and let
Speaker 3: me plan ahead for this and like even though it
Speaker 3: was again a necessary but this is the level that
Speaker 3: I pushed into this reaction. My reaction was like, okay,
Speaker 3: let's overcompensate this way, also prepping him and be like, oh,
Speaker 3: the church I went to is odd. I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you, Like people who I would have
Speaker 3: as visitors would be scared. One person almost cried that
Speaker 3: I take as a kid when I don't think people
Speaker 3: understand the scale. I'm kind of yeah, because it's not
Speaker 3: just like the movies where they scream at you by
Speaker 3: going to hell.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: It is not that's not what it is.
Speaker 3: I don't understand this brand, but I grew up with
Speaker 3: it was normal to me. I didn't realize untill later
Speaker 3: what it was. Maybe it was the way you up.
Speaker 3: I don't know, kids we're falling asleep all the time,
Speaker 3: who knows. But yeah, so there's it's been. It's been
Speaker 3: a lot. The last week has been odd. Also, I
Speaker 3: like didn't tell me people because I think I've said
Speaker 3: talked about this before. I don't know how to do that,
Speaker 3: and I know like it just like it feels. But
Speaker 3: I would be upset if someone else didn't tell me,
Speaker 3: someone like if you hadn't like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: But at the same something like, but I don't know
Speaker 3: how to do that because it feels unimportant.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I get that. And I've told you I have
Speaker 4: a I have a real concern with because you were
Speaker 4: so kind to me. All my friends are so kind
Speaker 4: to me when my dad died. It's so good, and
Speaker 4: I was like, I don't know if I could be
Speaker 4: as good as that, Like there are things that get
Speaker 4: in your head. Yeah, when you're thinking about those things.
Speaker 4: So I totally get that. Like I've done that too,
Speaker 4: where I just won't tell someone and then someone's like
Speaker 4: wait what.
Speaker 3: And it's kind of one of those things that you like,
Speaker 3: I just don't know how to bring it up.
Speaker 1: It just doesn't feel right.
Speaker 3: Also, again I freeze, but when I freeze, I literally like, no,
Speaker 3: I don't want to do anything. Yeah, I don't want
Speaker 3: to get up the cook I don't want to get
Speaker 3: up to order things. I don't want to text any one.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And then when you tell them, you don't know
Speaker 4: what to say right, kind of like I don't know
Speaker 4: what I want, I don't know what I need. So
Speaker 4: it's almost like it's more, well, now I've got to
Speaker 4: deal with this because I don't this person I was just.
Speaker 1: Trying to help.
Speaker 2: But like it is true, like it's it's gonna be
Speaker 2: some extra thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, when maybe you just don't want to deal with
Speaker 4: the extra thing exactly.
Speaker 1: And that's like I just it is.
Speaker 3: But yeah, and with that, yeah, I'm vinning a fog.
Speaker 3: Uh I warned you earlier, and I think I warn't listeners.
Speaker 1: Previously as well.
Speaker 3: Essentially like it just feels like which I think I'm
Speaker 3: still suffering from a brain fog from like pandemic stuff,
Speaker 3: and maybe it's I'm gonna I'm gonna put everything pandemic.
Speaker 3: I've had COVID before and it was a rough one,
Speaker 3: and I've had I think maybe perimenopause. Who knows, I'm
Speaker 3: gonna put all this brain fag together. So like time's five,
Speaker 3: that's right, I said it, But just feeling lost, like
Speaker 3: I can't even graspfully next steps and jobs, next steps
Speaker 3: in like not jobs, but like what a right next
Speaker 3: episode or doing with what I should be doing, what
Speaker 3: I shouldn't be doing, and just like I'm already a
Speaker 3: procrastinator so that doesn't help.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, well you know I'm always here and you
Speaker 5: were great for me, so we can support each other
Speaker 5: in this.
Speaker 4: But it is really hard. You just can't convince yourself
Speaker 4: to do anything right. So I get you.
Speaker 3: I mean, I get to look at the right future
Speaker 3: of watching New Moon and eclipse, So there's that.
Speaker 2: There's that.
Speaker 4: I hope that it does bring you some joy in
Speaker 4: this time. I will be watching it tomorrow so excited. Yeah,
Speaker 4: hope you text me with all the great reactions.
Speaker 1: I need you to.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't know what to expect. You don't.
Speaker 4: Well, thank you for sharing, Samantha and yes, listeners. If
Speaker 4: you have any thoughts about greed for preparing a significant
Speaker 4: other for in your family, because it is a lot
Speaker 4: of it's a lot of stuff, well, you can write
Speaker 4: to us. You can emails at seventy mom stuff at
Speaker 4: iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on Twitter at
Speaker 4: most podcast or on Instagram and TikTok that stuff. One
Speaker 4: ever told you. We have a tea boblic story and
Speaker 4: we have a book you can get wherever you get
Speaker 4: your books. Thanks as always to our super producer Christina,
Speaker 4: our executi producer, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and
Speaker 4: thanks to you for listening.
Speaker 2: Step I never told you the production of My Heart Radio.
Speaker 4: For more podcasts from My Heart Radio, you can check
Speaker 4: out the heart Radio app of the podcast, or wherever
Speaker 4: you listen to your favorite shows.