Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that is pumped for the new
Speaker 1: grocery store innovation that he's bringing to the public's starting
Speaker 1: next year. Forget Whole Foods, head on over to swol Foods,
Speaker 1: where the veggies and fruits are all injected with illegal
Speaker 1: growth hormones, so they're seven times as big as normal. Man,
Speaker 1: you're gonna need two hands for that grape. With laser stories,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna eat a warm walk into it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, why do I imagine a banana with biceps?
Speaker 1: It's like James and the giant peach fro. It's a
Speaker 1: segment where we read weird news stories around the globe,
Speaker 1: just like everyone else does, except we've got a laser
Speaker 1: and those other thickleberries. Just This first lazer story is
Speaker 1: out of Brazil, a thirty seven year old woman named
Speaker 1: Lena Oliveraz facing serious charges after she wheeled her very
Speaker 1: dead uncle into a bank weekend at Bernie's Style and
Speaker 1: tried to take out thirty four hundred dollars in his name.
Speaker 2: Today, no one will notice. He just always smells.
Speaker 1: Like that beg teller got it on video. According to him,
Speaker 1: the man was no longer with us, clearly, very obviously,
Speaker 1: but the niece kept talking to him like he was alive.
Speaker 1: She even had to hold his head up the entire
Speaker 1: time and move his hand to right. That is sick.
Speaker 2: Maybe she just thought he was a deep sleeper, you know.
Speaker 1: The teller said his skin tone looked off and that
Speaker 1: he was oddly quiet. Yeah, but the woman claimed he's
Speaker 1: just like that. He doesn't like to say much anything. Well,
Speaker 1: employees got suspicious and called the cops, who showed up
Speaker 1: and arrested her. Oh my gosh, did the grandpa get arrested?
Speaker 2: Tell me he died of natural causes.
Speaker 1: The man she brought in was identified as a sixty
Speaker 1: eight year old who apparently died several hours earlier. It's
Speaker 1: not even clear if she's really his niece, but the
Speaker 1: woman could face charges for fraud, embezzlement, abuse of a
Speaker 1: corpse for all of the above.
Speaker 2: Isn't it crazy that we have to put that as
Speaker 2: a lot. Yeah.
Speaker 1: As brazen as that sounds, this type of thing isn't
Speaker 1: unheard of. Just last month, two women in Ohio got
Speaker 1: arrested after they prop a dead guy up in their car,
Speaker 1: went to a bank's drive through and took out nine
Speaker 1: hundred dollars from his account.
Speaker 2: I thought you were just going to say and ushov Lan.
Speaker 1: Yeah, won't you be fine? This next lazer stories out
Speaker 1: of herpes and parties and spodies.
Speaker 2: Oh my, I don't want to go here, Jack.
Speaker 1: How can American University get more American?
Speaker 2: Here we go?
Speaker 1: Well, they just created a class called swift Anomics, which is, yes,
Speaker 1: a study of Taylor Swift's economic impacts. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: this legit?
Speaker 2: Does the professor I think they're going to know more
Speaker 2: than the students in this.
Speaker 1: In class, students will take a look at her business footprint,
Speaker 1: earnings from her Era's tour, her influence on Ticketmaster, and
Speaker 1: much more.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, seriously, way to get kids into econ.
Speaker 1: One of the students who proposed the idea says, quote,
Speaker 1: Taylor is my hero, and if you think about it,
Speaker 1: Taylor is just so Taylor, and we should learn as
Speaker 1: much about Taylor as we possibly can't have.
Speaker 2: That wasn't as poetic Taylor Swift is.
Speaker 1: But no word un if they'll touch on Taylor's carbon
Speaker 1: footprint and her private jets impact on the economy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you mean on the environment and all that too.
Speaker 1: But in related news, Taylor's eleventh album drops the tortured
Speaker 1: poets department. Wow, imagine dating a girl who is a
Speaker 1: master's in Taylor Swift. Yeah, this next laser stories out
Speaker 1: of Italy. Most Americans have a hard time making it
Speaker 1: through a meal without pulling out their phones, even at
Speaker 1: a restaurant. But apparently some of us would gladly give
Speaker 1: that up if we got a discount. If you're traveling,
Speaker 1: bribe bus if you're traveling in Italy anytime soon. There's
Speaker 1: a new restaurant over there that's trying something kind of cool.
Speaker 1: They're giving diners a free bottle of wine if you
Speaker 1: give up your phone when you come in.
Speaker 2: What I would be.
Speaker 1: Easy for brook free bottle of wine.
Speaker 2: That's hay one the way. Anyway, I shouldn't be texting
Speaker 2: at that point. Two bottles of free wine.
Speaker 1: It's not just on the honor system. They'll actually put
Speaker 1: your phone into a box and lock it with a key,
Speaker 1: which they give to you.
Speaker 2: You have separation anxiety thinking about it, Jose.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I really do. I'm an alcoholic. You think I
Speaker 1: choose the wine, but no, I'm still choosing a phone.
Speaker 1: I'm a phone a haulic. Well, if you end up
Speaker 1: going there, giving up your phone is optional. You don't
Speaker 1: have to do it, okay, but with a generous perk
Speaker 1: like a bottle of wine. They say. The response has
Speaker 1: been very positive. Yeah, you a picture of your food,
Speaker 1: and most diners are taking them up on the offer.
Speaker 1: Although if you decide halfway through the meal you can't
Speaker 1: handle it anymore and unlock the box, alarms will sound
Speaker 1: and you will get charged for.
Speaker 2: Your want and shamed by everybody else.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's kind of funny. I like the restaurant thought
Speaker 1: it would be a fun way to encourage diners to
Speaker 1: be more present with their companions, and it seems to
Speaker 1: be working.
Speaker 2: That's also this.
Speaker 1: Next lazer stories out of the interwebs. The cheating site
Speaker 1: Ashley Maadison dot com asks users to name other things
Speaker 1: they would be less likely to cheat on than their partner.
Speaker 1: O seventy seven percent to claim they were honest last
Speaker 1: Monday and would not cheat on their taxes.
Speaker 2: Was supposed to make us feel better about them or.
Speaker 1: Say they're not totally bad people. Other things cheaters say
Speaker 1: they would never cheat on. Eighty two percent of people
Speaker 1: say they never book an appointment with a different barber hairstylist.
Speaker 1: That does feel like cheating.
Speaker 2: They know too. They know when you go back in
Speaker 2: and they're like.
Speaker 1: That's not my haircut.
Speaker 2: I didn't cut.
Speaker 1: Eighty three percent said phone carrier.
Speaker 2: You wouldn't cheat on your phone carrier.
Speaker 1: Alexis promises to never quit on you. Cricket wire shout out.
Speaker 1: Eighty four percent of people say they would never quit
Speaker 1: on their favorite shoe brand, and eighty six percent said
Speaker 1: their political party.
Speaker 2: So this is where they draw the line, not their spouse.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they have standards, broke, Okay. Eighty nine percent of
Speaker 1: people said they'd feel terrible if they tried a different therapist. Oh,
Speaker 1: it depends on how.
Speaker 2: Long you feel like it. If you're on Ashley Madison,
Speaker 2: the therapist isn't working because anyone.
Speaker 1: That way, unless you're cheating with therapists, didn't even think
Speaker 1: about that, and you have to pay for it. Probably.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And finally, ninety percent of the public would feel the
Speaker 1: absolute worst about cheating on their favorite sports team. Oh, oh,
Speaker 1: I would never, heay, I would never. You're a DieHarder.
Speaker 1: I am a diehard he But the thing is, that's
Speaker 1: a problem for this guy because in baseball, there's all
Speaker 1: these teams named after socks. Where are the teams named
Speaker 1: after shoes tops Detroit slides. He's hoping someday his team
Speaker 1: will come along the New.
Speaker 2: Mexico flip flops. Oh I like the Philadelphia stilettos.
Speaker 1: Come on, city, adopt one of these. That Souw means
Speaker 1: Laser Stories has come to an end for the day.
Speaker 1: We'll do it again, same time on Monday.
Speaker 2: Brooke and Jeffrey in the morning.