Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Where
Speaker 1: we are in the world. It is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we of
Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Okay, have
Speaker 1: you ever had that feeling, that sensation, that panic that
Speaker 1: everybody is further ahead in their lives than you are.
Speaker 1: They are more successful, they are more sure of themselves,
Speaker 1: they are further along when it comes to their relationships,
Speaker 1: their finances, knowing what they want to do with their lives.
Speaker 1: This feeling of being behind is a really common one
Speaker 1: during this decade, during our twenties. It is the norm,
Speaker 1: not the exception. But I think despite that, it's also
Speaker 1: incredibly stressful and at times stabilitating when we a don't
Speaker 1: have open conversations about it, there isn't an acknowledgment of
Speaker 1: how many of us are feeling stuck in our lives,
Speaker 1: and b we constantly compare ourselves to the people who
Speaker 1: do have it all, feeling like everyone else is finding
Speaker 1: this whole life thing very easy whilst we're struggling. So
Speaker 1: I want to talk about it today. I want to
Speaker 1: talk about why it is that we find ourselves in
Speaker 1: this constant spiral, this constant self doubt kind of cycle,
Speaker 1: no matter how much we do have, how much we
Speaker 1: have achieved. I think, despite knowing that life is a
Speaker 1: journey not a race, we still feel behind. But I
Speaker 1: think the real question is, like behind what? What is
Speaker 1: this invisible standard that we are all falling short of?
Speaker 1: What exactly are we comparing ourselves to? And why does
Speaker 1: the success of other people and the accomplishments of other
Speaker 1: people sit so heavy on our minds and diminish our
Speaker 1: own sense of agency and our own progress. Well, that's
Speaker 1: really like the core of this discussion. This is such
Speaker 1: a common phenomena, feeling behind in your twenties, and it's
Speaker 1: kind of ironic because if it is so common, how
Speaker 1: come we all experience it? Who are these people who
Speaker 1: are not feeling behind? Why is it that they are
Speaker 1: seen as what is normal? Why is it the people
Speaker 1: who are ticking everything off their bucket list, achieving all
Speaker 1: the necessary milestones why are they the standard? I also
Speaker 1: want to share some of your experiences the listeners. A
Speaker 1: lot of you have kindly written in to me on
Speaker 1: Instagram and said that you feel similar and have kind
Speaker 1: of articulated why you're strongruggling. We have stories of being
Speaker 1: thirty and single, never having been in a relationship, another
Speaker 1: person who started their career again in their late twenties.
Speaker 1: People struggling with debt and decision making and job choices
Speaker 1: and not feeling like you can see a way forward.
Speaker 1: And of course we're going to discuss why we feel
Speaker 1: that way, the psychology behind it, and what we can
Speaker 1: do about it. How we can kind of just you know,
Speaker 1: to be frank, stop feeling so shit about our own
Speaker 1: lives and our own progress. How can we stop viewing
Speaker 1: our twenties as a race or a competition to get
Speaker 1: to this like imaginary finish line, and just enjoy the
Speaker 1: personal journey, enjoy the scenic route, enjoy what we want
Speaker 1: to get out of this decade. So there is obviously
Speaker 1: a lot to discuss alongside your very generous and vulnerable
Speaker 1: personal anecdotes. And my hope is that if you get
Speaker 1: one thing out of this episode today, it is that
Speaker 1: absolutely everybody is feeling behind, or feeling lost, or feeling
Speaker 1: stuck in some capacity. Even the people that you look
Speaker 1: to and compare yourself to who seem so much further
Speaker 1: ahead than us, they genuinely are feeling this as well.
Speaker 1: Because I think that it isn't about what you do have,
Speaker 1: it isn't about what you have achieved. It's about our
Speaker 1: mindset and our mindset towards competition, towards success, towards uncertainty.
Speaker 1: So we have a lot to discuss. I'm going to
Speaker 1: stop rambling without further ado. Let's get into feeling behind
Speaker 1: in our twenties. We have a lot of opportunities to
Speaker 1: feel behind in our twenties, because we have a lot
Speaker 1: of opportunities not just for social comparison, but also for
Speaker 1: self doubt. I think for the first two decades of
Speaker 1: our lives, the first eighteen years at least, all of
Speaker 1: us are very much in step with each other. You know,
Speaker 1: we're kind of all existing on an identical path. Everybody
Speaker 1: who is our own age is doing the same things.
Speaker 1: We're going to school, We're trying to hit the same
Speaker 1: milestones of graduating. We're at the same classes, we have
Speaker 1: the same life problems. We are all working towards a
Speaker 1: common goal. Everything feels very much in line. There is
Speaker 1: limited opportunities for comparison when it comes to life progress.
Speaker 1: You know, you might be comparing yourself based on like looks,
Speaker 1: or who's had their first kiss, or you know, silly
Speaker 1: things like that, but in terms of like where you're
Speaker 1: at in your life and the progress that you're making
Speaker 1: towards your goals, if you even have any when you're
Speaker 1: that young, that is all kind of very very similar.
Speaker 1: And then we enter our twenties and suddenly it all splinters.
Speaker 1: Our life paths become very very different, very unique, and
Speaker 1: that only is exacerbated the further along we get into
Speaker 1: our twenties and into this decade, we're kind of no
Speaker 1: longer bustling alongside each other through mandatory schooling. We suddenly
Speaker 1: have freedom to choose and choose differently. And there are
Speaker 1: a lot of nuances in this. You know, one person
Speaker 1: wants to take a gap year. One person continues to
Speaker 1: work their high school job or their unique job to
Speaker 1: save up. Another person speeds through their like four year
Speaker 1: degree in three years and is like doing their masters
Speaker 1: by twenty three. Somebody is going straight into a high
Speaker 1: paying job after college. Somebody is having children, right. It's
Speaker 1: like everybody is suddenly living in a different timeline compared
Speaker 1: to the common timeline that we used to have. And
Speaker 1: I think that it's at that point when everything splinters
Speaker 1: that it feels like a race suddenly begins.
Speaker 2: You know. It feels like we didn't realize we were
Speaker 2: at the starting line. We didn't realize that suddenly it
Speaker 2: was going to be a competition. But implicitly it that way.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like the race to become real adults.
Speaker 2: And in many ways, I think speaking to my friends,
Speaker 2: it feels like it's this race to enter our thirties
Speaker 2: or even like our mid thirties with a partner, with
Speaker 2: a successful and fulfilling career, with a really cushy savings account,
Speaker 2: with a bunch of friends, and also with enough fun
Speaker 2: experiences to kind of prove that although we got here,
Speaker 2: we still enjoyed ourselves and enjoyed our lives along the way,
Speaker 2: and we become a lot more aware of the people
Speaker 2: who are doing those things and the people who are not,
Speaker 2: which might be us, the people who are falling short.
Speaker 2: I think the core reason we feel behind is obviously
Speaker 2: social comparison. Without the visibility of others and their life paths,
Speaker 2: we wouldn't have any reason to think that what we're
Speaker 2: doing is wrong. We wouldn't have anybody to be behind,
Speaker 2: because we would only be thinking about ourselves. We would
Speaker 2: only be conscious of our own progress and what felt
Speaker 2: good for us. But of course we know that comparison
Speaker 2: is a very human disease. It's not even a disease,
Speaker 2: human syndrome, a human trait, and sometimes it's just not
Speaker 2: possible to not have that kind of going on in
Speaker 2: the back of your mind as such a social tribal species.
Speaker 2: What's really fascinating to me, if not ironic, is when
Speaker 2: I asked all of you people, my beautiful listeners, whether
Speaker 2: you feel behind as someone in your twenties, eighty percent
Speaker 2: of you out of almost five thousand votes, probably more
Speaker 2: because I checked that only after we'd been up for like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, fourteen hours, but eighty percent of you
Speaker 2: at five thousand votes, so with significant sample size there
Speaker 2: said yes, you are feeling behind. There is something in
Speaker 2: your life that you're not satisfied with, that you feel
Speaker 2: you should be further ahead or further along in regards
Speaker 2: to that's compared to twenty percent of you, who I
Speaker 2: assume feel really comfortable with where you're at. Maybe you're secure,
Speaker 2: you're working on yourself, setting your own pace. You could
Speaker 2: also just be doing exceptionally well, which congratulations. But what
Speaker 2: I find fascinating about this is that feeling lost, feeling stuck,
Speaker 2: feeling unaccomplished, feeling behind is the norm. It is not
Speaker 2: only the norm, it is the majority. It is the
Speaker 2: huge majority, eighty percent, you know. And I just think
Speaker 2: that it comes down to a lot of reasons. But
Speaker 2: because this generation is so much more competitive but also
Speaker 2: yet again available for comparison right particularly through social media
Speaker 2: and LinkedIn and publicly available information, it's very easy to
Speaker 2: focus on everybody who has more than you, and not
Speaker 2: the people who are just like you, The people who
Speaker 2: are doing really really well for themselves. That twenty percent,
Speaker 2: maybe even that ten percent, that five percent, they stand out,
Speaker 2: and so our attention immediately goes to them. Compared to
Speaker 2: the people who are doing life just like us in
Speaker 2: the same lane. That's not an interesting story. That's not
Speaker 2: going to capture our attention because we already know that narrative,
Speaker 2: We already know what that life looks like compared to
Speaker 2: the life of somebody that we want. We also can't
Speaker 2: ignore this implicit blueprint that society sets for our life,
Speaker 2: that even if we don't believe in, we are still
Speaker 2: influenced by. So when we think about like society's blueprint
Speaker 2: for us, there is kind of this unspoken timeline of events.
Speaker 2: You graduate, maybe you go on and get your degree
Speaker 2: or some qualification. You find your dream career, you get
Speaker 2: your job in that field, you make enough money to
Speaker 2: live independently, You find the love of your life, you
Speaker 2: get promoted, you buy a house, you get married, you
Speaker 2: have children, retirement, death. That's it. That's what the blueprint
Speaker 2: tells us. And it's a very restrictive idea of what
Speaker 2: constitutes a happy life. And it's also a very incomplete
Speaker 2: narrative and incomplete blueprint because it doesn't include the stories
Speaker 2: of people who you know, completely uproot their lives at
Speaker 2: thirty or fifty, the people who never get married or
Speaker 2: who never have kids, the people who take a few
Speaker 2: years off between graduation and full time work to explore,
Speaker 2: the people who never find their dream job. The people
Speaker 2: who you know, these kind of milestones just aren't going
Speaker 2: to happen in the same way for them. They are
Speaker 2: those stories, the ones that I've just kind of given
Speaker 2: a few examples of. They're not the ones we hear about,
Speaker 2: and so we don't think of them or include them
Speaker 2: in our own interpretation of how our lives should be going,
Speaker 2: how our lives should be progressing. When it comes to
Speaker 2: feeling behind, I believe that there are three major areas
Speaker 2: where we experience this the most. That is our careers,
Speaker 2: our relationships, and our finances. Not only are these three
Speaker 2: of the most formative elements of our twenties, the things
Speaker 2: that I think we spend a lot of time worrying about,
Speaker 2: but in some ways they're also quite visible. Right. We
Speaker 2: don't feel behind in terms of our health, we don't
Speaker 2: feel behind in terms of aging. We don't feel behind
Speaker 2: in terms of our personal development. We feel behind based
Speaker 2: on things that we think that other people can see.
Speaker 2: So I think let's start with the biggest one that
Speaker 2: I heard from you all, which is career goals. I
Speaker 2: think this is the most common of the three because
Speaker 2: it feels like something that we really need to grow,
Speaker 2: and so the time we spend on it and the
Speaker 2: results feel like an an investment they feel very precious,
Speaker 2: Like when it comes to relationships, you could meet like
Speaker 2: the love of your life tomorrow and complete that part
Speaker 2: of your story, but your career takes a little bit
Speaker 2: longer to establish and it feels very intentional. So we
Speaker 2: put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get it
Speaker 2: right the first time around, to get it right straight
Speaker 2: out the grate, because we don't want to spend like
Speaker 2: five years doing something that we think we love or
Speaker 2: we think will be fulfilling, and then you know, we
Speaker 2: hit thirty and it's like a waste of our time.
Speaker 2: That's how we interpret it. We have to start again.
Speaker 2: You know. We want to feel like we're doing things productively.
Speaker 2: We want to feel like we're making a contribution to
Speaker 2: our future. And so I think that fear of not
Speaker 2: getting it right the first time, that fear of not knowing,
Speaker 2: of uncertainty, it really keeps us in places in industries,
Speaker 2: in careers, in fields, in jobs that we don't full
Speaker 2: in love because we don't want to sacrifice the security
Speaker 2: of experience and have to start again. We also don't
Speaker 2: want to feel like a failure, right. We don't want
Speaker 2: people to, you know, catch up with us and ask
Speaker 2: us how's work going, and be like, yeah, it's all right,
Speaker 2: it's fine if we should be doing more, as if
Speaker 2: we're wasting our time or wasting our lives doing something
Speaker 2: that we don't fully love and not even doing it
Speaker 2: at a high level compared to other people. So I
Speaker 2: asked you guys about this, and I wanted to hear
Speaker 2: about your experience. Why do you feel behind in your career?
Speaker 2: And here's what some of you had to say. This
Speaker 2: one I absolutely love. I'm coming up on one year
Speaker 2: post UNI this May, and I feel some sadness about
Speaker 2: it because I thought that i'd be further along by now,
Speaker 2: and the one year markt is just another reminder that
Speaker 2: I'm not after postcride. It took me a while to
Speaker 2: find a job that is so common, trust me. But
Speaker 2: when I did, it sounded great on paper, working in
Speaker 2: a professional newsroom at the number one channel in the
Speaker 2: third biggest city in the US. Wow. Impressive. After a
Speaker 2: few months of giving it a shot, I made the
Speaker 2: decision to leave because my intuition was telling me I
Speaker 2: had to go and I don't regret it. And then
Speaker 2: my dad felt sick better. Now, Oh, thank godness, that's
Speaker 2: it's good. To hear. Fast forward to now, I feel
Speaker 2: like I'm back to square one of the job search process,
Speaker 2: and I'm debating if I should go back to school
Speaker 2: and pursue an entirely different field outside of media. I
Speaker 2: feel shame about it, even though I think it is
Speaker 2: very normal to go through at this age. Thank you
Speaker 2: so much for sharing. I feel like a lot of
Speaker 2: people can relate to that. I'm also really glad that
Speaker 2: your dad is doing better. That's really good news. I
Speaker 2: want to pick up on one thing that this person said,
Speaker 2: and it was around the feeling of shame. I think
Speaker 2: that shame element, that shame factor, is something that we
Speaker 2: really need to focus on, because starting again or acknowledging
Speaker 2: that we aren't necessarily where we want to be or
Speaker 2: imagine that we would be, makes us feel in some
Speaker 2: way like we have failed, that we weren't up for it,
Speaker 2: that we weren't capable, that we made a huge mistake.
Speaker 2: And shame has a lot of psychological origins, but one
Speaker 2: of the biggest ones is feeling like we have not
Speaker 2: lived up to the highest standards that we have seen
Speaker 2: at ourselves or our expectations, and therefore we kind of
Speaker 2: deserve to feel bad. We deserve some kind of negative
Speaker 2: emotional consequence as kind of like a retribution for failing ourselves.
Speaker 2: It's also really frequently linked in academic research to a
Speaker 2: sense of inadequacy, which if you are a long time listener,
Speaker 2: you know is also related to being an overachiever, being
Speaker 2: a perfectionist, or being somebody who is quite anxious. Shame
Speaker 2: is a really common experience for the people that I've
Speaker 2: spoken to who, for example, have maybe taken a little
Speaker 2: bit longer to finish university, who have made a career change,
Speaker 2: who have had to spend a lot more time in
Speaker 2: those junior roles all over again. The other big group
Speaker 2: of people who experience this are those of us who
Speaker 2: have been fired or laid off, because we don't typically
Speaker 2: think about those situations when we're planning our dream life, right.
Speaker 2: I've had a few friends who have gone through this
Speaker 2: recently and it's really, really shitty. It's a really frustrating situation.
Speaker 2: And I think it's because in those situations, even though
Speaker 2: it's out of our control, we become very acutely aware
Speaker 2: of how our expectation for the future and where we
Speaker 2: would be at now and our reality is not lining
Speaker 2: up and on some more social level, we focus on
Speaker 2: what we believe other people might assume about us because
Speaker 2: of that experience, because of being laid off, but also
Speaker 2: how everybody else is continuing to save up money, is
Speaker 2: continuing to progress, is continue to have those years of
Speaker 2: experience on their resume, and our efforts are doing that
Speaker 2: have been cut short. I think it's really important to
Speaker 2: remember that your career, whilst it is important, is not
Speaker 2: the sole basis of your identity or your worth. There
Speaker 2: is so much beyond what you do for a job
Speaker 2: that makes you interesting and makes you accomplished and makes
Speaker 2: you a good person. Just because it's taking a little
Speaker 2: bit longer for you to be where you would like
Speaker 2: to be doesn't mean that you're not picking up valuable
Speaker 2: things along the way. Okay, let's hear from somebody else
Speaker 2: who I think really really demonstrates this point. I went
Speaker 2: to UNI at twenty five, and people were so supportive.
Speaker 2: I'd never done higher education. I became a hairdresser at
Speaker 2: sixteen and went traveling for a couple of years, so
Speaker 2: this was huge for me. However, since finishing UNI, I've
Speaker 2: stepped back into hospitality full time, and I feel like
Speaker 2: I should be doing more knowing my direction, have more
Speaker 2: to show for it. Don't get me wrong, I love
Speaker 2: my job and I progressed position wise. I've also recently
Speaker 2: lost my savings due to a Savage House situation. I
Speaker 2: just see everyone at twenty seven having so much more financially, materialistically,
Speaker 2: relationship wise, and knowing their direction in life. Maybe this
Speaker 2: is a perception and also massively from social media's perspective.
Speaker 2: I've also been single for nine years now, so in
Speaker 2: all departments feeling behind. See. I think this is also
Speaker 2: the hard thing, which is congratulations, Like you went to UNI,
Speaker 2: you went and got like further education. Everyone says that
Speaker 2: that is like the easiest way to advance and move
Speaker 2: forward in your career and in your life. But a
Speaker 2: lot of us are not finding that right. Like a
Speaker 2: lot of us have degrees that we don't use, and
Speaker 2: debt that kind of just weighs very heavily on our
Speaker 2: mind and restricts the other opportunities that we could have
Speaker 2: in our life that we could unlock if we didn't
Speaker 2: have to worry about paying back alone or whatnot. Here's
Speaker 2: another perspective on this that I really liked. I have
Speaker 2: everything that I've ever wanted in my life right now.
Speaker 2: I have a college degree, wonderful partner, I live in
Speaker 2: a big city, wonderful friends, fulfilling job, et cetera. But
Speaker 2: I constantly feel like I'm behind or setting myself up
Speaker 2: for failure with my finances. I have thirty K in
Speaker 2: student loan debt in the United States, stagnant six k
Speaker 2: in credit card debt, and I'm renting an apartment. When
Speaker 2: I talk with friends who don't have these situations with
Speaker 2: their finances, I see that they're able to save for
Speaker 2: a house, go on fun, exotic trips, buy new cars, etc.
Speaker 2: I know I shouldn't compare, but it's so hard not
Speaker 2: to when these are people that I surround myself with.
Speaker 2: They're my community and I love them so deeply, but
Speaker 2: I feel like I can't be transparent with how behind
Speaker 2: I feel from them. Honestly, money is a huge thing,
Speaker 2: separate to Korea. You could have your absolute dream job,
Speaker 2: which by the sounds of it, this person does. They
Speaker 2: love what they're doing, and still be struggling financially and
Speaker 2: feeling behind because of it. I think that the older
Speaker 2: you get, the more you realize that as unfortunate as
Speaker 2: it is, money kind of does make the world go
Speaker 2: around these days, and it's really hard to ignore that fact.
Speaker 2: When you see people who do have more seemingly enjoying
Speaker 2: their experiences and accumulating possessions and accumulating memories at a
Speaker 2: faster rate than we are, and not having to make
Speaker 2: the sacrifices that we do, it can leave us with
Speaker 2: a sense that we will always be behind. We didn't
Speaker 2: get kind of like the early start that they did
Speaker 2: to save, to invest to set ourselves up for long
Speaker 2: term financial independence, We're never going to have it as
Speaker 2: good as these other people did. It really manifests in
Speaker 2: I think some significant financial anxiety, and I also think
Speaker 2: financial cynicism, where we kind of think, like, why am
Speaker 2: I even trying? Why am I even bothering to save
Speaker 2: when these people already got a head start. When will
Speaker 2: I ever be able to afford the life I want?
Speaker 2: And if I can't afford the life I want, why
Speaker 2: not just enjoy the moment now and spend willy nilly
Speaker 2: and spend money frivolously Because it's not like I can
Speaker 2: use this for a house. It's not like I can
Speaker 2: use this for a down payment for anything that's going
Speaker 2: to bring me like long term stability because the economy
Speaker 2: hasn't been set up for Maybe the economy hasn't been
Speaker 2: set up for, you know, younger people who are trying
Speaker 2: to assert themselves in trying to find stability and trying
Speaker 2: to buy a home, or trying to at least have
Speaker 2: the capacity to pay their bills. Beyond just fulfilling our
Speaker 2: most basic needs, I also want to talk about that
Speaker 2: feeling that if we are behind in finances, if we
Speaker 2: are behind in savings, we are behind in our capacity,
Speaker 2: our future capacity to enjoy our lives. I don't think
Speaker 2: that this fear is about what somebody else has. It's
Speaker 2: not about what they have that we don't. It's about
Speaker 2: an even deeper and sometimes unconscious worry that because we
Speaker 2: don't are not achieving that kind of level of financial
Speaker 2: independence or savings or whatever, we are destined to lead
Speaker 2: an unfulfilling life. If we acknowledge that money is a
Speaker 2: really pertinent important resource for unlocking a certain lifestyle, it
Speaker 2: is this fear that if we don't have that money,
Speaker 2: we are going to have to live with regret of
Speaker 2: the opportunities of the travel plans, of the material possessions
Speaker 2: that we couldn't afford, and that that regret is going
Speaker 2: to become more pronounced by seeing the people who do
Speaker 2: have it better, who were able to buy those things.
Speaker 2: Money unlocks opportunities, and it unlocks a life that we want.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to go into a lecture around like
Speaker 2: money doesn't buy you happiness, like you can be the
Speaker 2: richest person in the world and still never have enough,
Speaker 2: because I just think that's not helpful. But I will
Speaker 2: say that in our twenties, we tend to think that
Speaker 2: the money we are making now is the money that
Speaker 2: we will be making forever. We don't often consider things
Speaker 2: like bonuses, promotions, changing jobs, sudden windfalls. So yes, it's
Speaker 2: important to be conscious of your finances and what you
Speaker 2: can spend, but you do never really know when things
Speaker 2: will change for you. Okay, I think that we are
Speaker 2: going to take a short break because the moment I
Speaker 2: start giving financial advice is the moment that I need
Speaker 2: to get back into my own lane. So we are
Speaker 2: going to pause for a second, and when we come back,
Speaker 2: we're going to discuss especially specifically, particularly why we feel
Speaker 2: behind in our relationships, and then also what we can
Speaker 2: do about this experience. So stay with us. We'll be
Speaker 2: back in just a second. We put a pretty significant
Speaker 2: premium on romantic love in our twenties. I think it
Speaker 2: is one of our biggest sources of stress, of anxiety,
Speaker 2: a very huge focus of our everyday thoughts, because it's
Speaker 2: very hard to feel complete in a society that prioritizes
Speaker 2: the idea of love and relationships and happily ever after
Speaker 2: above everything else. Our society harbors a lot of single stigma.
Speaker 2: But not everyone is going to find their person in
Speaker 2: their twenties, or their thirties or even their forties. For
Speaker 2: some people, it really does take their whole lives, and
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean that you are behind. Like without love,
Speaker 2: your life is empty. Without a partner, everything is glass
Speaker 2: half full. I don't think that we should buy into
Speaker 2: this misconception as well, that a relationship is something that
Speaker 2: we need to tick off our to do list. It's
Speaker 2: not a goal, it's not a milestone. It's something that
Speaker 2: we naturally fall into and if it works, that's amazing,
Speaker 2: that is such great news. But if it doesn't, that's
Speaker 2: all right. There is a whole portion of society who
Speaker 2: has found deep joy and fulfillment without a partner and
Speaker 2: who you know experience insane transformative growth at the end
Speaker 2: of a relationship that completely pushes them into a new
Speaker 2: chapter in their life. I also think that the fear
Speaker 2: of being alone and therefore behind other people in our
Speaker 2: lives who have these serious, long term relationships, who are
Speaker 2: getting engaged, who are getting married having children. Sometimes that
Speaker 2: fear of not being where these people are at and
Speaker 2: falling quote unquote behind them keeps us in relationships with
Speaker 2: the people who aren't right for you, because at least
Speaker 2: you meet society's requirement for your twenties, for partnership, for
Speaker 2: finding love. It's a really hard feeling to not have that,
Speaker 2: and it's possibly an even worse feeling to never have
Speaker 2: experienced love or really know what all the hype is about,
Speaker 2: to not have even had your first kiss, your first girlfriend,
Speaker 2: your first boyfriend, your first partner. So this was an
Speaker 2: amazing DM I received on this very kind of feeling
Speaker 2: that I had to share. I personally feel most behind
Speaker 2: in the area of romantic relationships. I'm twenty nine and
Speaker 2: I've never been in a relationship, not even close. Everyone
Speaker 2: has assured me that there's no timeline. It will happen
Speaker 2: when you're not looking slash least expect it, which I
Speaker 2: think is easy for them to say from the comforts
Speaker 2: of their relationships and marriages. I've worked hard throughout my
Speaker 2: twenties to grow in my self love and self worth.
Speaker 2: That's amazing. We love to hear it and to not
Speaker 2: let the feeling of being so behind affect me as
Speaker 2: much as it used to. But i'd be lying to
Speaker 2: say it wasn't still hard. Some days it feels like
Speaker 2: it will never happen, and if it does, I worry
Speaker 2: I won't be able to enjoy a new slash first
Speaker 2: relationship the same way that others have because of this impending,
Speaker 2: rushed feeling, especially when it comes to deciding if I
Speaker 2: would want kids or not. That is really really rough.
Speaker 2: And I think that comment about people saying things which
Speaker 2: they think are helping when they aren't is so spot on. Honestly,
Speaker 2: it's a big reminder to those of us who are
Speaker 2: in relationships that we think our words are comforting, but
Speaker 2: we don't remember how rough it is being single in
Speaker 2: our twenties, or even in our thirties, or being single
Speaker 2: at all. Sometimes. I also think that the reason it
Speaker 2: can be especially difficult being single the lady, you get
Speaker 2: into this decade is because the achievements and milestones of
Speaker 2: a single person aren't as celebrated as those in a relationship.
Speaker 2: Think about what the biggest celebration in adulthood kind of is,
Speaker 2: Like it's a wedding, right, But if you never get married,
Speaker 2: if you never have children, or an anniversary or a
Speaker 2: significant other who celebrates you, who makes your important moments
Speaker 2: feel extra special, Especially when everybody else begins to partner
Speaker 2: off and they have their like one person, it can
Speaker 2: kind of feel like you're on the sidelines. It can
Speaker 2: feel like everything you do is secondary to the praise
Speaker 2: and the love and the excitement that you see people
Speaker 2: getting from their relationship. The other thing that this person
Speaker 2: spoke about that I think we don't speak about nearly
Speaker 2: enough in this context is the pressure of wanting to
Speaker 2: have children but feeling like you need to have a
Speaker 2: partner before you can do that, Especially for women, I
Speaker 2: feel like the older that I've gotten, the more conversations
Speaker 2: I've been having about fertility, about my biological clock, about
Speaker 2: things like egg freezing, and it's kind of like, is
Speaker 2: that future that I want for myself having children? Is
Speaker 2: that going to be possible if I don't first achieve
Speaker 2: like the relationship status that would afford that, because that's
Speaker 2: how society has told me it needs to be done.
Speaker 2: So quite a few of you actually did message in
Speaker 2: about this experience. I'm gonna use one more example. I'm
Speaker 2: going to take one more DM that I really really liked.
Speaker 2: I found quite articulate about this sense of being the
Speaker 2: last one in the friendship group to be single. When
Speaker 2: I redownload the dating apps, it feels like I am
Speaker 2: bait not only to the worsening dating system, but as
Speaker 2: a some of my friends who are in relationships to
Speaker 2: comment on how I live vicariously through you or I'm
Speaker 2: so glad I'm not on the apps. I am just
Speaker 2: like my friends though I'm a lover girl, just without
Speaker 2: the relationship, and I'm optimistic that I will find somebody.
Speaker 2: My twenties feel behind without somebody. As a single person,
Speaker 2: I pay more to live. I feel lost and forgotten about.
Speaker 2: When it comes to social activities, I'm not considered to
Speaker 2: be invited by my friends. I've lost friends who once
Speaker 2: were very happy to leave me to sit alone in
Speaker 2: a club whilst they all went away with their boyfriends. Yikes.
Speaker 2: Those are bad friends. Trust me, you didn't lose anybody
Speaker 2: worth having. But I think that really highlights some other
Speaker 2: really critical points. Right, It's not just about love, It's
Speaker 2: not just about finding somebody in connection. It kind of
Speaker 2: relates to everything else in our lives, like finances, paying
Speaker 2: more to live as a single person, like our friendships,
Speaker 2: feeling like as all of our friends find people, you're
Speaker 2: kind of excluded from the couple kind of relationship that
Speaker 2: people now have. So that is one experience when it
Speaker 2: comes to feeling behind in our relationships, the experience of
Speaker 2: inexperience and feeling like there is just such a huge
Speaker 2: part of your life that is missing that you may
Speaker 2: never experience. You never know what people kind of write
Speaker 2: the songs about why they say love is a drug.
Speaker 2: You just never get to feel cared for in the
Speaker 2: way that you've kind of always wanted. It's more than
Speaker 2: a longing. I think it becomes an insecurity that something
Speaker 2: must be wrong with you because everyone else has been
Speaker 2: able to have this experience, has found at least to
Speaker 2: somebody who wanted to date them, and you haven't. Trust me,
Speaker 2: it just hasn't happened yet, That's all. And that really
Speaker 2: really sucks, And I'm really sorry that you feel like
Speaker 2: you're missing out, because I can understand exactly where you're
Speaker 2: coming from. But I'm not going to give you some
Speaker 2: bullshit reminder of like, don't worry, like it happens when
Speaker 2: you least expect it. What I am going to say
Speaker 2: is that when it does happen, because it will happen,
Speaker 2: it's going to feel amazing. It's going to feel great
Speaker 2: than all of your expectations. And I think that the
Speaker 2: moment that it does happen, you'll look back at where
Speaker 2: you are now and be like, what was I worried about?
Speaker 2: Why was I so stressed? You know, one of my
Speaker 2: best friends is twenty eight and she's never been in
Speaker 2: a relationship before, and I look at her and I
Speaker 2: honestly cannot comprehend why, because she is absolutely perfect. But
Speaker 2: sometimes it just goes that way. You just haven't crossed
Speaker 2: paths with the right person yet. You've you know, you've
Speaker 2: been selective, you've held back. That's a good thing. You've
Speaker 2: been picky. But you will never be the last one standing.
Speaker 2: I promise. There's always going to be somebody else in
Speaker 2: the same boat who is navigating the same loneliness, the
Speaker 2: same insecurity, the same anticipation as you are. So the
Speaker 2: other group of people who I think struggle with feeling
Speaker 2: behind in their romantic relationships during the twenties is those
Speaker 2: of us who spent a big part of this decade
Speaker 2: or our early twenties with a single person who we
Speaker 2: kind of thought was the one we'd never have to
Speaker 2: be single again, and then on a expectedly things go
Speaker 2: south and you break up. This was one person's experience,
Speaker 2: and I really liked how they put it. I feel
Speaker 2: fine in other aspects of life except my relationship. In August,
Speaker 2: I ended a very long term relationship with somebody that
Speaker 2: I lived with for nearly three years due to very
Speaker 2: valid reasons. I feel so behind because I want to
Speaker 2: be married and have children so badly. I'm twenty six
Speaker 2: now and I work as a mother, sush child nurse.
Speaker 2: My gosh, we love an educated woman, so I see
Speaker 2: newborns and families all the time, whilst I try and
Speaker 2: have grace and faith just reiterates how badly I want
Speaker 2: it and how behind I feel. Now. I'm so so sorry.
Speaker 2: I just cannot imagine how both like joyful and simultaneously
Speaker 2: difficult that would be to be like, Wow, like this
Speaker 2: is such an incredible experience for this new family and
Speaker 2: this like new soul that's in the world, But it
Speaker 2: brings me so much pain because that is exactly what
Speaker 2: I wanted. I think that's a huge contributor to feeling behind,
Speaker 2: is feeling like you've done everything right, that you've got
Speaker 2: the relationship, you've got the job, you're doing great with
Speaker 2: your savings, with your personal development, with everything else you
Speaker 2: want in life, and then something kind of just like
Speaker 2: comes out of left field and knocks that all down,
Speaker 2: and all of your planning, all your cautious efforts, all
Speaker 2: the work that you've put into this relationship, that you've
Speaker 2: put into creating this life that you wanted for yourself
Speaker 2: is undone, and you kind of have to find a
Speaker 2: way to move forward with the reality that you didn't expect.
Speaker 2: That's a huge thing that happens during this decade when
Speaker 2: you know, unfortunately long term relationships do end. The person
Speaker 2: that you think you were going to marry turns out
Speaker 2: to just be somebody who was a secondary character, somebody
Speaker 2: who was just there to further the story along to
Speaker 2: teach you a lesson. So I have a lot of
Speaker 2: love for this person, and I have a lot of
Speaker 2: love for the other people who are going through this,
Speaker 2: who are not only experiencing heartbreak and grief, but also
Speaker 2: a new reality that their life might not be as
Speaker 2: like all together as they wanted it to be. There
Speaker 2: may be things that are now delayed and suddenly you're
Speaker 2: feeling behind again. You're feeling like you're back at the
Speaker 2: starting line when it comes to finding connection, finding a relationship,
Speaker 2: finding someone to kind of grow with you by your side.
Speaker 2: So we've spoken about the three core reasons that people
Speaker 2: feel behind in their twenties, career finances, love. I want
Speaker 2: to now go through a quick rundown of some of
Speaker 2: the reasons this happens that we haven't mentioned. I know
Speaker 2: we've kind of spoken about some of the contributing factors before,
Speaker 2: but there are some other psychological components to feeling behind
Speaker 2: that I think we deserve to mention, and you guys have,
Speaker 2: of course shed even more of your experiences when it
Speaker 2: comes to this. So, first off the bat, we have
Speaker 2: external pressure. We know that it comes from a place
Speaker 2: of love. But when everyone in our life life is
Speaker 2: asking us about what we want to do, what's our
Speaker 2: dream job? What are our plans for the future, how's
Speaker 2: our dating life going? Have we met anyone like nice recently?
Speaker 2: That sense of expectation really begins to pile up. We
Speaker 2: suddenly feel like we're not just living our life and
Speaker 2: our twenties for ourselves, but for others, and we need
Speaker 2: to meet some kind of like standard to not just
Speaker 2: make them happy, but to kind of get them to
Speaker 2: shut up and to kind of get them to feel
Speaker 2: like we're doing all right and we're doing what they expect.
Speaker 2: I also find that what's next mentality quite difficult because
Speaker 2: as a society, we're very focused on momentum, and we're
Speaker 2: very focused on progress and success, and because of that,
Speaker 2: we never stop pause and focus on what we have now.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like an example I always give is
Speaker 2: you graduate after studying for years and years and years,
Speaker 2: and immediately people are asking you how the job hunt
Speaker 2: is going. Immediately people like, so, what's next? What are
Speaker 2: you going to do with your life? When's the full
Speaker 2: time work start? And if you're like, oh, norah, I
Speaker 2: haven't quite found something yet. Oh okay, well let me
Speaker 2: know when you do, let me know if you need help, like, oh,
Speaker 2: you should really get looking because it takes a while,
Speaker 2: Like it's not helpful. You know, you break up with
Speaker 2: your partner of three years, like that person we spoke
Speaker 2: about before, and people are suddenly worried about when you're
Speaker 2: going to get back in the dating game. You know,
Speaker 2: the clock is ticking. That's the big one. When we
Speaker 2: are so focused on what's next, and we're so focused
Speaker 2: on pushing the needle forward, pushing our life forward, we
Speaker 2: never really have time to just process where we're at
Speaker 2: and to enjoy what we're experiencing and what we're learning,
Speaker 2: and enjoy like the youth, enjoy who we are right now.
Speaker 2: We're never going to get that person back again. One
Speaker 2: final factor that I want to note that we actually
Speaker 2: haven't spoken about yet, which is surprising because of how
Speaker 2: ubiquitous and universal it is, is what people have been
Speaker 2: like as the pandemic skip this idea that for those
Speaker 2: of us who spent a lot of our early twenties
Speaker 2: in a lockdown in quarantine dealing with the COVID pandemic,
Speaker 2: we were unable to travel. We missed out on some
Speaker 2: of those big formative events like a graduation, like having
Speaker 2: our first jobs in person, like the opportunity to go
Speaker 2: out and meet new people, to move cities. We lost
Speaker 2: a lot of time and experiences during our formative years,
Speaker 2: and so yes, you might be twenty five, you might
Speaker 2: be twenty four to twenty seven, whatever, but really you're
Speaker 2: like twenty two or twenty three because of that time
Speaker 2: that you lost. Whilst you think that you should have
Speaker 2: it all together like a typical twenty five year old
Speaker 2: should have or a twenty seven year old, really you're
Speaker 2: not accounting for that whole chapter where your future was
Speaker 2: delayed beyond your control, and so it was kind of
Speaker 2: like time froze. You weren't really experiencing the world the
Speaker 2: way that twenty something year olds ten years ago or
Speaker 2: ten years before that would have experienced it. So you
Speaker 2: can't beat yourself up for some of the things that
Speaker 2: you just didn't have the opportunity to go out and
Speaker 2: see during that really special formative time in our early twenties,
Speaker 2: when we do have a lot of freedom, when there
Speaker 2: is so much more capacity and openness to growth and experience.
Speaker 2: So yes, like I said, take a few years off
Speaker 2: your age, treat yourself like you are the real twenty
Speaker 2: three year old or twenty year old that you actually are.
Speaker 2: And give yourself a little bit of a break. So
Speaker 2: someone wrote in about this, and I really love their perspective.
Speaker 2: I'm in my late twenties and I've realized recently that
Speaker 2: part of my feeling behind is due to COVID. I
Speaker 2: had just turned twenty four when everything started, and because
Speaker 2: of the lockdowns here in Melbourne, I got stuck in
Speaker 2: a job who underpaid me for my workload and responsibility,
Speaker 2: and I missed those mid twenty years of socializing, of
Speaker 2: learning and growing. So where I'm now is good, but
Speaker 2: it's not where I thought i'd be two to three
Speaker 2: years ago. It's been really tough wrapping my head around it. Honestly, literally,
Speaker 2: this person articulated it so so perfectly. There is so
Speaker 2: much hype around not just the progress we should be
Speaker 2: making in our twenties and where we should be, but
Speaker 2: also some of the more fun things, the more enjoyable
Speaker 2: things that kind of set the foundation for future experiences.
Speaker 2: You know. Travel is the one that always comes to
Speaker 2: my mind, you know, the reason why airfare prices like
Speaker 2: jumped like through the roof, especially if you're from Australia.
Speaker 2: I feel like if you tried to go anywhere last year,
Speaker 2: it was like triple the amount that you would normally expect.
Speaker 2: It was kind of like people traveling is like revenge
Speaker 2: for when they could travel during COVID and making up
Speaker 2: for those lost experiences. Okay, so we spent a lot
Speaker 2: of time talking about what contributes to us feeling behind,
Speaker 2: But I think regardless of what's causing this sense of stagnation,
Speaker 2: you kind of have to find a way to manage it. Right.
Speaker 2: Something I believe very deeply in life is that life
Speaker 2: is hard enough. You don't need to make yourself feel
Speaker 2: any worse for going at your own pace, for going
Speaker 2: about things differently, for not meeting some intangible, weird, socially
Speaker 2: imposed timeline. I say that very firmly, but I think
Speaker 2: knowing it is one thing. Implementing this belief system and
Speaker 2: this attitude of nonchalance and going about it your own
Speaker 2: way is another. So we're gonna go on a short break,
Speaker 2: but when we come back, we're gonna talk through some
Speaker 2: tips on how to manage the sense that you are
Speaker 2: behind in life and behind in your twenties. One of
Speaker 2: the biggest therapeutic interventions in like the mental health psychology
Speaker 2: space is cognitive behavioral therapy. You have probably heard about
Speaker 2: it before. But the promise is that you can change
Speaker 2: your negative emotional reactions to your circumstances by firstly correcting
Speaker 2: unhelpful or faulty ways of thinking. It is essentially a
Speaker 2: conscious cognitive rewiring, so that instead of thinking the worst
Speaker 2: of a situation, instead of predicting that you'll fail, instead
Speaker 2: of saying hurtful, hard, mean, self doubting statements to yourself,
Speaker 2: instead you reposition. You reposition them, and you reframe them
Speaker 2: to be positive. So essentially, the premise is if you
Speaker 2: can change how you think about something, you will change
Speaker 2: how you react to that thing as well. So, for example,
Speaker 2: instead of thinking I'm not where I want to be
Speaker 2: that makes me a failure, I'm never going to get
Speaker 2: where I want to go, I'm always going to feel behind,
Speaker 2: I'm never going to have what that person has, you
Speaker 2: instead reframe your perspective as something more positive. For example,
Speaker 2: you think about your journey like you are taking the
Speaker 2: scenic route. We've mentioned that before. You're not just kind
Speaker 2: of like zooming down life's highway. You are not just
Speaker 2: like picking up accomplishments and milestones on the way and
Speaker 2: not really enjoying them. You are taking the scenic route.
Speaker 2: You are, you know, trusting the process. You're stopping for
Speaker 2: a swim in the ocean, You're chatting to the locals,
Speaker 2: You're picking up special memories that we don't always make
Speaker 2: when we're so focused on output, we're so focused on
Speaker 2: doing everything perfectly, we're so focused on keeping up with
Speaker 2: this imaginary norm. Part of reframing your cognitions towards your
Speaker 2: circumstances is also around focusing on the benefits of not
Speaker 2: having it all figured out. So this was a contribution
Speaker 2: that spoke about this that I loved. I'm twenty four
Speaker 2: and I graduated from UNI at twenty two, which is
Speaker 2: the average age to graduate in the US. I'd never
Speaker 2: left the US, and I've spent the last year and
Speaker 2: a half since graduating traveling. Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
Speaker 2: Year and a half that's like incredible. Feel well so
Speaker 2: behind my friends, though, who graduated and hopped straight into
Speaker 2: full time jobs. I've since done seasonal and freelance work,
Speaker 2: and I've lived and traveled through seven countries, including Australia.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, love to hear it, but I still
Speaker 2: can't shake the feeling that I'm behind in the material things,
Speaker 2: even though I've had incredible personal growth. I've found a
Speaker 2: really fulfilling relationship, I've become more confident, self sufficient, and
Speaker 2: I've reflected on things that I want in life. It
Speaker 2: feels like the US specifically doesn't value traveling for the
Speaker 2: sake of travel, which makes me really sad because I've
Speaker 2: had so much more growth trying to figure out public
Speaker 2: transit and fezas in foreign countries than I ever did
Speaker 2: sitting in lecture halls at UNI. Okay, right off the back,
Speaker 2: congratulations seven countries. That is an amazing feat. And I
Speaker 2: especially like when people come to Australia because I know
Speaker 2: it's very far from like everywhere else in the world,
Speaker 2: but it is like genuinely the most beautiful country ever.
Speaker 2: Obviously I'm a little bit biased, but what really sticks
Speaker 2: out to me about this is the fact that you
Speaker 2: had this amazing experience traveling right, but you still felt
Speaker 2: behind because all of your friends are doing the traditional route,
Speaker 2: which is great for them. They went to Union and
Speaker 2: they went straight into their jobs. I bet you some
Speaker 2: good money that a lot of your friends are looking
Speaker 2: at your experience and thinking, damn, I really should have
Speaker 2: just taken a couple of years off. I am so
Speaker 2: burnt out by work. I really never gave myself a
Speaker 2: chance to actually enjoy my free time and to enjoy
Speaker 2: some time off. What I'm really speaking about here is
Speaker 2: the trade off that we have to make, especially in
Speaker 2: our early twenties, where there are so many decisions, there
Speaker 2: are so many options, so many choices and different ways
Speaker 2: of going about life and going about our future, that
Speaker 2: with each choice we make, we do have to lose something.
Speaker 2: But with everything that you lose, you also do gain
Speaker 2: something in return, just about what it is that you value.
Speaker 2: So yes, you might lose that security of having a
Speaker 2: job lined up, that stability, but you also gain perhaps
Speaker 2: something that is more aligned with what you really value
Speaker 2: in life. That could be freedom, that could be flexibility,
Speaker 2: that could be excitement and growth. You are never not
Speaker 2: gaining something from your experiences, even if it's not what
Speaker 2: you expected, even if it's not going according to plan.
Speaker 2: I also think that it's important to confront the grass
Speaker 2: is Greener philosophy, the grass is greener syndrome. Whilst you're
Speaker 2: looking at somebody else's journey, as I said, and feeling
Speaker 2: deficient in comparison, they may be looking at yours and
Speaker 2: wishing for what you have. Just because your path is
Speaker 2: different doesn't mean that it's inferior. Doesn't mean that it's
Speaker 2: also not the source of envy for other people. So
Speaker 2: I want you to focus on what you have gained
Speaker 2: more than what you have lost. Yes, you may have
Speaker 2: lost the stability of a full time job straight out
Speaker 2: of UNI. Yes you may have lost some of that
Speaker 2: financial security that these people had, you know, a quote
Speaker 2: unquote head start at. That doesn't mean that their path
Speaker 2: is now forever and were going to be easy and
Speaker 2: that yours is going to be difficult. People come across
Speaker 2: a lot of upsets and setbacks and mistakes and barriers
Speaker 2: that will inevitably push all of our paths onto, you know,
Speaker 2: a different track than we initially thought. Just because they've
Speaker 2: spent the first two years out of the gate, you know,
Speaker 2: the first two years after graduation for them seemingly has
Speaker 2: gone very smoothly and very according to plan, doesn't mean
Speaker 2: that in five years time somebody isn't having an existential
Speaker 2: crisis and going, oh my god, I've actually never really
Speaker 2: enjoyed a moment of my life, or oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: I actually never gave myself the opportunity to really think
Speaker 2: about what I wanted. I just really felt the need
Speaker 2: to fulfill this career criteria, to have something lined up,
Speaker 2: to have a job, to have a sense of purpose
Speaker 2: that now I'm finding it hard to connect to, not
Speaker 2: to get really existential. But you know, we all end
Speaker 2: up in the same place. What's the rush? Do you
Speaker 2: want to spence and you're limited time? Wanting to be
Speaker 2: further ahead, wanting to have a solid plan and know
Speaker 2: exactly what the next five, ten to fifteen years will bring.
Speaker 2: There is no room for excitement in that. There is
Speaker 2: no room for surprise, there is no room for flexibility.
Speaker 2: It's also worth reminding you that if you are in
Speaker 2: your twenties, and I'm assuming that you are, you are
Speaker 2: just getting started. This is the first decade of many,
Speaker 2: many decades and many many seasons and chapters of life.
Speaker 2: Think about your life. I've used this analogy before, but
Speaker 2: think about it like a TV series, right, It's not
Speaker 2: like the first season is all there is and they
Speaker 2: just replay the first season again and again for the
Speaker 2: next nine seasons. Your life is very much like that.
Speaker 2: You're in your early twenties, you're in your twenties. That
Speaker 2: is the first season of your TV show. Next season
Speaker 2: is going to be completely different, and so was the
Speaker 2: season after that, because you are constantly changing and evolving.
Speaker 2: Right now, you're in the experimentation phase. You're in the
Speaker 2: uncertainty phase. You're in like the confusing chapter. A lot
Speaker 2: of people have made this pilgrimage before you. A lot
Speaker 2: of people have had this experience. So I want you
Speaker 2: to kind of soothe your doubt and soothe your insecurity
Speaker 2: through a sense of normalcy and through a sense of
Speaker 2: community that you are not alone in this. A couple
Speaker 2: weeks back, actually, we had the amazing doctor Meg Jay
Speaker 2: on the podcast. You might know that name. She is
Speaker 2: a very very famous author. She wrote The Defining Decade.
Speaker 2: She is a lecturer. She is a really spectacular psychologist.
Speaker 2: And she was telling me about how when she was
Speaker 2: in her mid to late twenties, right after university, she
Speaker 2: was working as an outward bound instructor. She was literally
Speaker 2: spending her days paddling through a swamp, showing like tourists
Speaker 2: and you know, people around nature. That is so different
Speaker 2: to what she is doing now. And I am sure
Speaker 2: that whilst you know, I can't speak for her. But
Speaker 2: I'm sure that while she was doing this, she was
Speaker 2: watching people she knew go to grad school. She was
Speaker 2: watching people she knew win awards and have kids and
Speaker 2: set up their own businesses. But the thing is is
Speaker 2: that now, at the age she is at, she is
Speaker 2: still in a really good place, and I'm sure those
Speaker 2: other people are as well. But just because her journey
Speaker 2: wasn't exactly the way that it needed to be doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that she didn't end up getting to a place
Speaker 2: where she was really fulfilled. And another component of that
Speaker 2: is that all those experiences that I'm sure she was like, dang,
Speaker 2: I really wish I was doing something else. I really
Speaker 2: wish that my life had turned out differently, those experiences
Speaker 2: are probably really, really valuable now, and they're the kind
Speaker 2: of experiences that possibly contribute massively to all of her
Speaker 2: incredible ideas and her writing that she may not have
Speaker 2: had if she'd taken yet again, the traditional route. There's
Speaker 2: nothing wrong with that route, it's just that it's not
Speaker 2: the only way to go about it. In terms of
Speaker 2: feeling behind in your relationship. I want to talk about
Speaker 2: my friend Katie and another guests that we had on
Speaker 2: the show. She met her first boyfriend at twenty seven,
Speaker 2: almost when she was twenty eight, and now she is
Speaker 2: in this wonderful relationship. In the episode that I did
Speaker 2: with her, she really speaks quite vulnerably about how difficult
Speaker 2: it was to be at that age and feel like
Speaker 2: she was missing out on this huge component of a fulfilling,
Speaker 2: happy life, which was love. But you know, she took
Speaker 2: time to learn herself, she had the experiences with people
Speaker 2: that you know, didn't work out. She had time to
Speaker 2: make beautiful, fulfilling friendships, to move cities, to do all
Speaker 2: those things, and she ended up in this like incredible
Speaker 2: relationship with this amazing person. And she said something really profound,
Speaker 2: which is that she looks back at it now and
Speaker 2: she can appreciate that it was hard, but it really
Speaker 2: felt quite worth it. So there's another example. And you know,
Speaker 2: because we're in a bit of a role, I'm also
Speaker 2: going to include my mom in this as somebody who
Speaker 2: you can think of and feel better about yourself. When
Speaker 2: she was in her twenties, she literally got kicked out
Speaker 2: of like every single course that she did. She failed
Speaker 2: her first degree, she was asked to leave by her
Speaker 2: old university faculty. She was working at a restaurant for years,
Speaker 2: whilst her friends, you know, got scholarships and became doctors
Speaker 2: and nurses. But she took her time, and when she
Speaker 2: felt ready, she went back to university. She's now a CEO.
Speaker 2: She now literally runs a company. She is like an
Speaker 2: incredible woman. She raised three daughters, she has like an
Speaker 2: army of beautiful, beautiful friends, and she's really successful. And
Speaker 2: I'm sure that when she was in that phase where
Speaker 2: it wasn't working out, where all she could think was
Speaker 2: about her failures and everything that hadn't been a success,
Speaker 2: she wouldn't have been able to picture where she is now.
Speaker 2: I think we really need to start glamorizing and sharing
Speaker 2: the success stories of people who didn't and have it straightforward,
Speaker 2: and reminding ourselves that just because it's taking a bit
Speaker 2: longer doesn't mean you won't get there eventually. And even
Speaker 2: if you don't get to where you imagined you would
Speaker 2: be in the time that you wanted to do it,
Speaker 2: you can still feel happy in whatever circumstances you find
Speaker 2: yourselves in. I want to remind you of just the
Speaker 2: resilience of humans and the fact that people find great
Speaker 2: joy and great strength and something to live for and
Speaker 2: beauty and excitement, even in situations that they never could
Speaker 2: have anticipated. So even if it isn't going according to plan,
Speaker 2: it doesn't mean that the end result isn't going to
Speaker 2: be amazing. There's one final thing I want to say
Speaker 2: on this and it's actually a quote and I actually
Speaker 2: saw it on Reddit when I was doing some investigating
Speaker 2: for this episode, and it was a very well known quote,
Speaker 2: which is that youth is wasted on the young. I
Speaker 2: think this exact situation we're talking about goes to demonstrate
Speaker 2: that quite well. A lot of people who are in
Speaker 2: their mid thirties, late thirties now early forties all look
Speaker 2: back at their twenties and think, oh my god, why
Speaker 2: was I so worried? You know, I think we have
Speaker 2: a lot of hype around doing it all in this decade,
Speaker 2: but this is when we're making the least amount of money.
Speaker 2: We feel very stuck. We're not completely sure of ourselves.
Speaker 2: All the experiences that we should be having are wasted
Speaker 2: on us because we don't know how to appreciate them.
Speaker 2: We don't have the hindsight of knowing that it's all
Speaker 2: going to work out. So trust our elders. I guess
Speaker 2: trust the people that have come before us, who say
Speaker 2: time and time again, don't worry too much, It's all
Speaker 2: going to be okay. I feel like when I think
Speaker 2: about their experiences and their advice, it always brings me
Speaker 2: a real sense of inner peace. So thank you so
Speaker 2: much for listening to this episode. If you have made
Speaker 2: it this far, please dm me on Instagram and I'm
Speaker 2: going to send you a big fat love heart to
Speaker 2: say thank you for putting up with my rambling. I
Speaker 2: know that this episod it is a little bit different
Speaker 2: to what we usually do. I loved being able to
Speaker 2: incorporate some of your anecdotes, some of your experiences, and
Speaker 2: just be a little bit more fluid with it. I
Speaker 2: appreciate you listening this far, and if you did enjoy
Speaker 2: this episode, please feel free to give the podcast a
Speaker 2: five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are
Speaker 2: listening right now, make sure you're following or you're subscribed
Speaker 2: based on what platform you're listening, and share this episode
Speaker 2: with a friend who you think might also be feeling
Speaker 2: a little bit stuck, feeling a little bit behind. Feel
Speaker 2: like a problem shared is a problem halved, and it
Speaker 2: probably will make every person in that situation feel a
Speaker 2: little bit less alone and take the pressure off, take
Speaker 2: the foot off the gas for a little while. So
Speaker 2: thank you so much for listening. Until next episode, stay
Speaker 2: safe and be kind and we'll talk soon