Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys we Book.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina, I'm Karren. We're sorry about last night, the
Speaker 1: anti sluck shaming podcast. I never stopped. Hey, what up, fuckers.
Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Guys We Fuck. It's the
Speaker 1: anti slut chiming podcast. I'm Karren, I'm Christina, and today's
Speaker 1: episode is sponsored by talk Space. It's the online therapy
Speaker 1: company that for as little as thirty two dollars a week,
Speaker 1: you can work with an experienced, licensed therapist handpicked just
Speaker 1: for you. On talk Space, you can send text, audio,
Speaker 1: and video messages to your therapist and talk about your
Speaker 1: life or someone else's life. Is that's more interesting, work with,
Speaker 1: work through what's keeping you up at night, or just
Speaker 1: work on feeling a bit happier. To sign up or
Speaker 1: learn more, go to talk space dot com slash GWF,
Speaker 1: and to show your support for this podcast, use code
Speaker 1: g w F to get three dollars off your first month.
Speaker 1: That's g WF at talk space dot com slash g
Speaker 1: w F. I want to just sign up for talk
Speaker 1: space and bitch about my friends. No, I'm just kidding
Speaker 1: at my friends are a lot of people do that.
Speaker 1: That's a great idea, I mean, but is it? I
Speaker 1: don't know. Come see us live Friday April is Glamour
Speaker 1: Post hosted by myself and Wendy Starling, set PM at
Speaker 1: Sinc Bar in the West Village, which is eighty two
Speaker 1: West third Street. This show is twenty one and up.
Speaker 1: Ticket link for this show is in the description of
Speaker 1: this podcast is gonna be fun. And then Saturday April
Speaker 1: the next night at eleven fifteen pm, it's Nacho Bitches,
Speaker 1: that New York comedy club co hosted by myself and
Speaker 1: Blair Saki. That club is actually sixteen and up, so kids,
Speaker 1: that's like one of the youngest shows that we do.
Speaker 1: And then the following night, Sunday April, it's The Comedian
Speaker 1: Project at the Stand. We rarely do that show in Manhattan,
Speaker 1: but the Stand is the Manhattan location, so we'll be
Speaker 1: doing it. I think it ten pm that night. You know,
Speaker 1: I should probably know that, but whatever. Houston, Texas, you
Speaker 1: are the birthplace of Beyonce and also where we will
Speaker 1: be embarking on a Beyonce tour and also on Sunday.
Speaker 1: This this coming Sunday in two days. If you're listening
Speaker 1: to this the day comes out. Come see us live
Speaker 1: at Warehouse. Lie We're doing the Guys We Fucked Experienced show,
Speaker 1: and then Las Veleas, Nevada Thursday May eighth through Saturday
Speaker 1: May we will be at the crap Shoot Comedy Festival
Speaker 1: doing all kinds of Guys We FU shows as well
Speaker 1: as regular stand up shows. Come hang, that's gonna be
Speaker 1: a real fun time. Oh shit, all right, now there's
Speaker 1: a bunch of people that pre ordered a book and
Speaker 1: we are not done shoutouts. So, ladies and gentlemen, are
Speaker 1: you ready to hear me read names? Probably not the
Speaker 1: right way they're supposed to be read. Oh, thank you
Speaker 1: so much to Ruby Bell, Trans, Sierra Hall, Christina ta Villa,
Speaker 1: Jessica Garcia Scarlett Dante, Katie Gillamp Giampa, Lindsay Bible. He's
Speaker 1: about Lindsay real weird Lindsay, Sarah Fuller, Zoe Thompson, Kelsey Jarrett,
Speaker 1: Crystal Schlecht, Kay Thompson, Hannah Johnson, Carrie Coomocha, Vincent, Diane Fisher.
Speaker 1: Oh that's my mom. Oh, I was like, wait, I
Speaker 1: know that, Sarah Prendergas, Rebecca Lloyd, Anna pre Belli, Leah Johansson,
Speaker 1: Sarah weenerd weinerd Um, Megan Healy, Lana Oska, Do's probably
Speaker 1: not the way you say it. Wade Schneck, Shardai sham Home.
Speaker 1: You're really testing me there, Devin Gross, Sally Barnes, Jessica
Speaker 1: owns By, Jessica Nicolick, Rico Nakashima. That was close one,
Speaker 1: but I think I did to write Sierra Canova, Megan Scabanna,
Speaker 1: Katie Werdick where did Dick? Katie I don't know. Jennifer
Speaker 1: Chow Chow Bitch, Caitlyn Poor Wall, Shelby Dowing, Edda Burrow, Chelsea, Oh, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: your last name sucks, Chelsea griz Book. It's that what
Speaker 1: g r z y b gris Grizzy. I would Chelsea
Speaker 1: would go with one of those. You're testing me, Madeline Divine,
Speaker 1: Oh jit Ty say, oh wait, that wasn't that bad?
Speaker 1: Denise Meyer, Lindsay Walker, Marissa Weener, Weiner, Kelsey Stevens an
Speaker 1: a Bruder should I ate that? Edible William Sarry, Elizabeth's suitors,
Speaker 1: Stephanie Moroccan, Anna Jenkis, Tanya Cope, Copadge Isabelle Author that
Speaker 1: was wow. Let's just let's just give me a round
Speaker 1: of a goddamn blush. And if you think that's all
Speaker 1: we're saying, oh well, tight, because it's time to thank.
Speaker 1: Rebecca DeVico, Aaron Rubinstein, Rebecca DeVico again. I feel like
Speaker 1: that's Jessica Lynch, Rose Troyer, Christina Stradone, Rebecca Allen, shar Haggarty,
Speaker 1: Gillian Starkey, Teresa Simon, Sherry Klassen, Danielle and Rick Shade, Dimitrio,
Speaker 1: Avery Kaufman, Candice Clark, Savannah McBride, Hannah Barry, Kate Patten,
Speaker 1: Bray Valley, Isabel Gaudet, Sarah Strom, Megan Daniel, Michelle Barker,
Speaker 1: Alexis Bonnock, Patty Underhill, Trinny Beau, Rebecca shuts In, Jill
Speaker 1: shut Rebecca, I love that, like Anna Kirsch, Rhiannon Thrush,
Speaker 1: Noel Garcia Mera, Martian, Megan, YadA Megan. How many times
Speaker 1: did she get that she must want to kill her?
Speaker 1: Janelle Angle, Elena Agna, Bene, Stephanie Petrie, Alison Blackstone, Mary
Speaker 1: Beth is Stato, Jason Conger, Ali Hunter, Iman Dwebby, Kate Lennon,
Speaker 1: Brooklyn Plusier, Anna, Lena van Ler, Salt. We get we
Speaker 1: get it. You're wish sorry if you're poor. Wait this,
Speaker 1: Wait this, this, This girl has a pseudonym that she's
Speaker 1: so she ordered under another name. But I'm going to
Speaker 1: thank Mazie Harrison. Is that how that's going? Rebecca Stevens,
Speaker 1: Julia raw Brooke Cotch, Laura beverage. Not like it's not
Speaker 1: spelled like beverage, but like it's not like a drink,
Speaker 1: but it's definitely pronounced beverage. Laura. Well, I'm satisfied, Nicole.
Speaker 1: I was parched. This is way more fun than the
Speaker 1: first time with Laura Beverage. Thanks for a beverage. Is
Speaker 1: we would lose our comedy licenses if we had them,
Speaker 1: Nicole Sabetta Alyssa Dinburgh. That just reminds me of Laurie
Speaker 1: Beth Dinburgh from all that the information everyday life. And
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm just aging myself yet again. That's
Speaker 1: I just like, you know, make reference. You know, one
Speaker 1: of my favorite jokes as a child is a reference.
Speaker 1: It is a Laurie Beth Denberg joke. It's like, don't
Speaker 1: when you're writing a letter to your grandpa, don't start
Speaker 1: with dear baldheaded skinny man. And I don't know why,
Speaker 1: but that hit my funny bone just the right way
Speaker 1: for twelve year old Christina just cracked the funk up.
Speaker 1: I feel like Laurie bath Denburg was very underrated. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I feel like she's pissed about it now because
Speaker 1: she's probably like it gets all the time, like, oh
Speaker 1: were you then she said, yes, shut up. Yeah, she
Speaker 1: was just like she was like, if my I knew
Speaker 1: my career wasn't really gonna pop, I would have just
Speaker 1: lost weight. And because you know who some my agents
Speaker 1: was like, keep eating, Laura. Well, no, you're either though,
Speaker 1: that's what agents tell you, the fat friend or your
Speaker 1: skinny lead. And there's no one between. There's no one between.
Speaker 1: You know, they're starting to be on TV. Thank god
Speaker 1: Jesus christ Yeah, you can be like now, you can
Speaker 1: just be just the medium sized person who has an
Speaker 1: alcohol problem, it seems, and you can be the lead
Speaker 1: damn on your personal life current. Um, we're in Austin
Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, we're at my uncle's house where he
Speaker 1: purchased the model unit of a home in a neighborhood
Speaker 1: in the nineties and he has not changed the wallpaper.
Speaker 1: We're literally in a bedroom right now. That I am
Speaker 1: fortunate to say, and that looks like Stephanie Tanner slash
Speaker 1: DJ Tanner because they did share a bedroom. If you
Speaker 1: were called the show, they did uh live here, and
Speaker 1: it made me. I got. I got perhaps too excited
Speaker 1: when I walked in. Um, well good, I'm glad someone
Speaker 1: appreciated it. I mean I appreciate it every time I've
Speaker 1: come here since I was a kid. It's a lot
Speaker 1: of vintage Christina photos. Not in this room. This is
Speaker 1: just nineties Central. I didn't even know that they made
Speaker 1: rollerblade wallpaper, only made it for this model. But now
Speaker 1: I do. I really like it. Yeah, we went to
Speaker 1: the Museum of Weird today. Oh my god, you got
Speaker 1: you had you had an intense experience. My head was
Speaker 1: vibrating afterwards. Okay, we don't know if anybody. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: like inside like it felt like vibrating. It was weird.
Speaker 1: It was weird. He got into my site. We don't
Speaker 1: call it the museum weird for nothing. You know, when
Speaker 1: you go into a street museum and you're like, I
Speaker 1: guess we'll see a trucking head and then some guy
Speaker 1: ends up predicting you whereabouts five centuries ago. These are
Speaker 1: my favorite kind of museums. I went to one in Portland.
Speaker 1: I went to one in New Orleans. I love a
Speaker 1: street museum, a museum that looks like it has no credit.
Speaker 1: Someone's house, someone opened their home. Let me in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And we went in and there was a lot of
Speaker 1: weird ship and then we watched a clip from Unsolved
Speaker 1: Mysteries and I was like, good, start, could start, get start.
Speaker 1: And then we went in the back and this guy
Speaker 1: showed us his frozen Bigfoot dude because it's like a
Speaker 1: little Steve uh. You know, saw this at a carnival
Speaker 1: when he was five, and then ever since he's been
Speaker 1: wanting to click weird things. And then years later they
Speaker 1: were selling the frozen frozen big footman and step right
Speaker 1: this way and you can go see him. We're like,
Speaker 1: so we saw him and that was really cool. But
Speaker 1: then he gave me a rock, and he gave this
Speaker 1: other girl in the audience a rock. I didn't get it. Rock. Yeah, sorry,
Speaker 1: only two of us got rocks, but I was very
Speaker 1: fortunate and blessed to get one. I never used a word,
Speaker 1: but uh. And then he told one asked one girl
Speaker 1: to think of a person, and he asked me to
Speaker 1: think of a place, and I had a very vivid image,
Speaker 1: and god damn it, did he guess it? I thought
Speaker 1: of this white house in New Orleans across from this
Speaker 1: pottery museum that was a very boring museum. But I
Speaker 1: walked out into the balcony and I remember looking at
Speaker 1: this house and I looked in the window because there's
Speaker 1: a fan blowing, and I could see a person's bed,
Speaker 1: and I just imagine what their life was like. And
Speaker 1: I just stared in that window. And he was like,
Speaker 1: there was a window that you were staring in. You
Speaker 1: couldn't take your eyes off. And I was like, yes,
Speaker 1: there was Mr Psychic. It was crazy. It was I
Speaker 1: was trying to find the name of the guy who
Speaker 1: owned because it wasn't Steve. It was something because I'm
Speaker 1: really obsessed with this thing. And then if this psychics
Speaker 1: are really this Viceman is really that much of like
Speaker 1: an a magical oddity to possess, why is it in
Speaker 1: the back of a shack ny in Ston. Johnny Depp
Speaker 1: is weird. Is fun? You know, he's so weird. He
Speaker 1: would stay that's not a self for me. If john
Speaker 1: if they were like, oh Johnny Depp uses this shampoo.
Speaker 1: I was like, can I get one? They'll clean something? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I know, I don't want one that he gives me Greece.
Speaker 1: He's a dirty weirdo. I think people just because someone's famous,
Speaker 1: not Johnny Depp. Honestly, I'd be scared. I mean, there's
Speaker 1: some allegations, but and then whatever, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: was probably I don't trust people who don't watch their
Speaker 1: own movies. Really yeah, Johnny Depp has never seen a
Speaker 1: film that he's been. There've never seen one seating Gilbert Great? No,
Speaker 1: what a fucking idiot? So I mean then going going further,
Speaker 1: how can you trust someone who's never seen what's eating
Speaker 1: Gilbert group? How can you? How can you no self awareness? There?
Speaker 1: Can you trust someone who's never seen mass their hands?
Speaker 1: What if he like is bad in bed? Because a
Speaker 1: little back and bad and better not anonymous? I would
Speaker 1: I would bet a lot of money that he's probably
Speaker 1: bad and try, I try. And also he has a
Speaker 1: very weird relationship with two of my favorite people though,
Speaker 1: Marilyn Manson and Damian Echols. Lady's friends with those people. Okay,
Speaker 1: what you don't okay? Number one, Johnny Depp didn't do
Speaker 1: well you know they okay, so they made out I
Speaker 1: would musician and him and Marilyn Manson to do what
Speaker 1: of You're so vain Carly Simon's You're so vain? Wow? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a lot of layers, Johnny Boy, Yeah with us.
Speaker 1: And that's that's just one example of a tangent we
Speaker 1: go off on on the hal bonus episodes. Do you
Speaker 1: want to learn nothing about sex or relationships or anything
Speaker 1: that this podcast is about tearing into how honestly we
Speaker 1: do read the emails, but we get drunk, it stoned, well,
Speaker 1: I get stoned. We go we just you know, if
Speaker 1: you want to listen to more guys, we fun and
Speaker 1: you tweeters and you're like, where where where I listened
Speaker 1: all the episodes? All I ain't crying for you because
Speaker 1: how oll dot fm, slash GWF is there for you.
Speaker 1: You can get a month free and we have so
Speaker 1: many fucking bonus episodes by now, and honestly, I really
Speaker 1: let loose. We also just released one with Daisy Coleman
Speaker 1: from the Netflix documentary Audrey and Daisy, but also Christina's
Speaker 1: don't yeah I wasn't stone to that one. I expect Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I am no. I mean, I don't know if I
Speaker 1: am now, I can't tell. Somebody gave us a jolly ranch.
Speaker 1: I can never tasted like a chunk of week. You
Speaker 1: can't tell one I'm stoned. Uh no, I only can
Speaker 1: I can't stone. No, no, no, no no, I can tell
Speaker 1: one I'm stone. I can only like when you're with me,
Speaker 1: I can't tell that much. But really, but I can
Speaker 1: tell when you start texting me weird things or like
Speaker 1: this is a horrible ad copy and then you're like no,
Speaker 1: it's normal ship, or you're like dying laughing at something
Speaker 1: that's like not that funny shit, I do that? Really?
Speaker 1: It sucks. Wait was the Joe Rogan When I at
Speaker 1: Joe Rogan mentioned us on this podcast, I was high
Speaker 1: and I didn't when I listened back to like twenty
Speaker 1: seven times on this um Joey das Joey Coco Daz podcast,
Speaker 1: he goes on about us the last I have to
Speaker 1: listen to the whole three hour episode to get the
Speaker 1: last fifteen minutes where he talks about us. But it
Speaker 1: was worth it. But he said two female comedians, and
Speaker 1: I was like, I want you we're comedians. Well you
Speaker 1: well you also made it seem like I was going
Speaker 1: to listen to this clip of and and then write
Speaker 1: the book. Yeah that I was gonna be inspired. It
Speaker 1: wasn't it. It was cool. Don't let me go on
Speaker 1: for four hours more writing. I did think that, and
Speaker 1: I mean I have listened. Was nice. I really appreciated it.
Speaker 1: It was a loss alright. Anyway, you guys cook, fuck
Speaker 1: you know you don't, you liar, But listen if you
Speaker 1: want to. God, you think you're cooking abilities are at
Speaker 1: level B, but their level the highest level. You just
Speaker 1: don't know. Ship, I am stilling, Okay. Not all ingredients
Speaker 1: are created equal. Fresh high quality and redients make a
Speaker 1: real difference. So it's important to know where your food
Speaker 1: comes from. Thankfully, for less than ten dollars in me,
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Speaker 1: that every ingredient is delivered to you will ride ready
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Speaker 1: what it says. I'm reading it. It's no wonder. They're
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Speaker 1: the country. If you can fit a personal anecdote, oh
Speaker 1: actually do Oh my god, my parents, I have I
Speaker 1: get blue Apron for my parents and holy ship. When
Speaker 1: I changed banks and the credit card that I had
Speaker 1: attached to their account, it delayed their order by a day.
Speaker 1: My dad texts me five times and calls me, and
Speaker 1: he goes Christina, my blue apron is in here that
Speaker 1: I swear to God. What is he gonna eat that night?
Speaker 1: Nothing exactly. Yeah, you don't want my diabetic father to starve.
Speaker 1: I don't. They are obsessed with blue Apron, and they
Speaker 1: send me pictures. And my dad purchased a chef's hat
Speaker 1: because that's how good he feels after he cooks a meal.
Speaker 1: I swear to gollow picture after this. It's fucking adorable.
Speaker 1: If you don't want it for yourself, get it for
Speaker 1: your goddamn parents and let them bond. Parmesan crushed chicken
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Speaker 1: These are just some of the things you can make there.
Speaker 1: You played them, well, it's so fucking fun, you got.
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Speaker 1: Blue Apron a better way to cook. Well, you didn't
Speaker 1: forget to do the sexy, the sexy Blue Apron and
Speaker 1: hell no, you can never forget that. I never forget. God,
Speaker 1: I don't even know I was gonna say something that
Speaker 1: I don't even remember. What was it about? Delicious Blue
Speaker 1: Apron food, locked joy, And I don't think it was
Speaker 1: about that. I don't care. Who fucking cares sex? Well,
Speaker 1: that's pretty on topic. No, it was about Marijuan. I think,
Speaker 1: Oh that's fine. I'm so tired. I'm so honestly, birds,
Speaker 1: you should preorder a book. So when I'm tired, I
Speaker 1: like to go sleep on my Caspers. Good transition, you
Speaker 1: so does Alfred. Oh yeah, don't worry, I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: to that. I'm very excited. Okay. So guys, if you
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Speaker 1: Sarah mattress in that box. There's not a mattress in
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Speaker 1: thousand reviews in an average of four point eight stars,
Speaker 1: it's quickly becoming the internet's favorite mattress. So I have
Speaker 1: I have one Casper mattress, a full size. And then
Speaker 1: I was like, honestly, my boyfriend keeps knocking me out
Speaker 1: of this, and would it be uncomfortable if you sent
Speaker 1: me a king sized one? And they were like, no,
Speaker 1: we're an awesome company and we want you to have
Speaker 1: a good night's sleep, so they sent me a full size.
Speaker 1: I was a Casper really was getting damaged and the
Speaker 1: bed so I really appreciate this. So there wasn't not
Speaker 1: enough room getting whacked in the face and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: I mean no, he was sleeping, saving from abuse. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was like from the intentional So that's very exciting.
Speaker 1: UM beautiful new mattress. But this is even better. And
Speaker 1: this is not what they told me to say. But
Speaker 1: I'm just letting you know. They make dogbeds now and
Speaker 1: you know Alfred has one. Alfred. It's the number one,
Speaker 1: the cutest thing. I posted a picture on Instagram if
Speaker 1: you're interested, well, no, he sleeps when he sleeps in bed,
Speaker 1: he sleeps on my human your cast on my Casper
Speaker 1: mattress overnight, but then in a lot of casper in
Speaker 1: his life. Good for him. Alfred loves caspar. And then
Speaker 1: he wakes up in the morning. He has a very
Speaker 1: tough life, so he wakes up in the morning, he eats,
Speaker 1: his bucket, falls on the balcony he has, He has
Speaker 1: some food, some drink. Then he usually takes a huge
Speaker 1: dump somewhere in my apartment. And then he goes and
Speaker 1: lays in his Casper matt dogbed mattress and lets the
Speaker 1: sun shine on him. And he's sun baths in his
Speaker 1: Casper mattress. That's the number one thing Alfred does every day.
Speaker 1: He runs to from one Casper mattress to to another.
Speaker 1: I did not teach him this. He does have a
Speaker 1: puppy trainer paid to say this. We didn't just say not.
Speaker 1: I'm saying if if it's good enough for an adorable
Speaker 1: five month old puppy, it's good enough for you. So, guys,
Speaker 1: we went way overboard with you. We don't make care
Speaker 1: whatever it's good. I just really wanted to tell you
Speaker 1: about Alfred's mattress. Okay, so he have fifty dollars towards
Speaker 1: any mattress human mattress purchased by visiting www dot Casper
Speaker 1: dot com, slash GWF and using offer co g w
Speaker 1: F terms and conditions apply. The subject of this email
Speaker 1: is do I need to break up with my best friend?
Speaker 1: I don't know. We'll find out. Girl. Hey fuckers, I
Speaker 1: want to start off by saying thank you for providing
Speaker 1: a saber relentable space for women such as myself to
Speaker 1: come and listen and really feel like we're not alone.
Speaker 1: You bitches are badass name. Anyway, I'm in need of
Speaker 1: some advice. My best friend and I have known each
Speaker 1: other ever since the seventh grade. We're twenty five now.
Speaker 1: I live in California. She lives back at home in
Speaker 1: my home state of Colorado. We talk every day and
Speaker 1: the distance has never affected our friendship. I'm flying back
Speaker 1: home in May and staying for a week. However, I'm
Speaker 1: not sure how much of her I would like to see.
Speaker 1: You see, her relationship is starting to take a toll
Speaker 1: on our friendship, and I'm not I'm not sure she
Speaker 1: even notices. Let's go through her track record so you
Speaker 1: guys get the full picture. Let's do it. Backtrack to
Speaker 1: boyfriend Numero Uno, who was her quote high school sweetheart.
Speaker 1: They started dating junior year and she was thrilled because
Speaker 1: she had a crush him for years. He was her
Speaker 1: first boyfriend, first kiss, for sexual anything, so she was
Speaker 1: pretty in love. Turns out he was super abusive, to
Speaker 1: the point where she couldn't wear certain clothes and had
Speaker 1: to cover up her bruises and photos. She ended up
Speaker 1: giving him my number and he cussed me out, to
Speaker 1: which she said, I didn't think he was serious. Oh God,
Speaker 1: So we stopped talking for at least a year. She
Speaker 1: even missed my mother's funeral. That relationship ended with the
Speaker 1: cops being involved in restraining orders thrown in the mix.
Speaker 1: After him, she started dating a younger guy. They ended
Speaker 1: up breaking up after eight months or so because he
Speaker 1: was stealing her money to buy porn and sign up
Speaker 1: on dating site. It's sad when that's an upgrade, when
Speaker 1: that's an upgrade from the previous. Oh ship, girl bad
Speaker 1: ain't good. He would even go on craigs I was
Speaker 1: looking for women. I mean all right. He ended up
Speaker 1: putting her in debt over eight hundred dollars. Well, I
Speaker 1: mean well back a couple of years ago, that would
Speaker 1: have been. That was ruined us to laugh. But also
Speaker 1: don't nickel and I I'm your safety. As we said
Speaker 1: in our book, she is actually dating him again today,
Speaker 1: Oh god. But before they started dating again, she was
Speaker 1: in yet another abiust of relationship which ended the same
Speaker 1: exact way the first relationship did. The guy is the
Speaker 1: guy she is dating now seemed like he had really grown,
Speaker 1: you know, from the porn thing. In the past couple
Speaker 1: of years, however, she has caught him texting other girls,
Speaker 1: lying about where he is, and browsing through more dating websites.
Speaker 1: So not so, no ship has changed. She has caught
Speaker 1: him three times in the past two months. She even
Speaker 1: told him if she finds one more thing, she has gone,
Speaker 1: which we all know is a bunch of bullshit. On
Speaker 1: top of abusive and unhealthy relationships, she has so much
Speaker 1: ship piled up on her plate, a d u I,
Speaker 1: eating disorder, abortion, eviction, toxic family, and the past six
Speaker 1: years of our friendship has been a fucking roller coaster.
Speaker 1: Let's suck for her. I am a vicarious person, intend
Speaker 1: to want to fix every broken wing. As my mother
Speaker 1: would say, oh girl, I feel you. I have tried
Speaker 1: to push her, have tried to enforce positivity and encourage
Speaker 1: self love, but to know prevail. She grew up in
Speaker 1: a household with a strict old school letsina mother who
Speaker 1: has put it in her head that all she needs
Speaker 1: to worry about is getting married and staying skinny. Well,
Speaker 1: there's where a lot of problems came from. I've tried
Speaker 1: explaining to her that we are so young and there's
Speaker 1: literally no need to rush, especially when she doesn't even
Speaker 1: love him, and especially if she doesn't have respect enough
Speaker 1: to stay committed. I even asked her if she stays
Speaker 1: because she loves him, and she basically tells me, I
Speaker 1: just don't want to go through all the bullshit again,
Speaker 1: I e. Moving back home, finding new guys, etcetera. I
Speaker 1: know she's a grown woman who needs to learn on
Speaker 1: her own, but this entire situation has taken a toll
Speaker 1: on me emotionally as her friend, practically sister. I know
Speaker 1: she deserves better, and the fact that she doesn't want
Speaker 1: better for herself kills me inside. It's like I'm at
Speaker 1: her house house party and her boyfriend keeps pulling his
Speaker 1: pants down and shipping in the middle of the living room,
Speaker 1: and she keeps picking it up and telling him to stop,
Speaker 1: but won't kick him out. What I know, if your
Speaker 1: boyfriend does that mean immediate ground floor breakup animal. So
Speaker 1: the advice I'm seeking is this, do I dump my
Speaker 1: best friend to save my emotional state as it is
Speaker 1: clear I am involving my feelings too much in this
Speaker 1: friendship or is there a way I can separate myself
Speaker 1: without losing our friendship. I love you, guys, thanks for
Speaker 1: letting me ramble. This didn't go the direction that I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna go. I've had look, I've had
Speaker 1: um it doesn't I understand what it's like to be
Speaker 1: emotionally involved in your friends life, even if they don't
Speaker 1: ask that of you, you know, because it's like she
Speaker 1: didn't ask you to be involved in all this stuff,
Speaker 1: but at the same time, your best friends she's telling
Speaker 1: you all this stuff you've been involved with, the first
Speaker 1: boyfriend who she gave your number two. I mean, this
Speaker 1: girl needs to love herself. That is what she needs
Speaker 1: to do. She needs to love herself enough to know
Speaker 1: that she is worth Uh. First of all, being alone
Speaker 1: and being fucking fine, because you can be fine and alone.
Speaker 1: You don't have to have a partner, especially when you
Speaker 1: guys are calling yourself as grown women. I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to like be demeaning, but our grown women. But a
Speaker 1: lot changes from when you're twenty three seven even but
Speaker 1: I don't know like I'm starting one. I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't really feel fully growing. I still refer to myself
Speaker 1: girl a lot. So it's like it's like there are
Speaker 1: different there are different levels of you're still getting to
Speaker 1: know yourself. Rocky time. I think it's a rocky time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And but I think if you have a conversation with
Speaker 1: your best friend, I don't think you really mentioned in
Speaker 1: this email of if you've really sat her down. Obviously
Speaker 1: she knows you know all of the ship that's happened
Speaker 1: because she's told you, but it seems like she needs
Speaker 1: based off of what you told me. Her mother says
Speaker 1: to her of finding a man and being skinny. That's horrible.
Speaker 1: That's that's a that's that mother. Her mother has put
Speaker 1: something grained, something into her head that is going to
Speaker 1: take years of therapy possibly to get out of her head.
Speaker 1: I think the most loving thing that you can do
Speaker 1: right now is tell her to seek therapy. And and
Speaker 1: if it is emotionally exhausting you, that's okay. I'm emotionally
Speaker 1: exhausted reading that goddamn email. That's that's really that sucks,
Speaker 1: And it really sucks that your friend is going through
Speaker 1: something that's hard. But if you keep giving her advice
Speaker 1: and she keeps not taking it, I mean, what do
Speaker 1: you do? This is I mean, this is it's nice
Speaker 1: to want to help, but it's and all that, but
Speaker 1: it's this is beyond what you can do. So I
Speaker 1: think that you need to realize that this is beyond
Speaker 1: a problem you can solve. That's beyond a BFF conversation,
Speaker 1: and you you do. She needs professional help. This this
Speaker 1: is a deeply, deeply damaged young woman. And also a
Speaker 1: side note about the mom thing. I know it's this
Speaker 1: is tough to digest, especially as like a young woman,
Speaker 1: but just because your mom says, moms are right most
Speaker 1: of the time, but sometimes just because your mom says
Speaker 1: something does not make it right, does not make it okay.
Speaker 1: And it's really important and you'll see this as you
Speaker 1: as you grow up. Um, moms are humans and they
Speaker 1: have the same insecurities that any human has, and they
Speaker 1: do whether they whether it's conscious or not. They bring
Speaker 1: that to the table when parenting. So these are things,
Speaker 1: These are issues that that her mom has, and there
Speaker 1: there's in some way getting reflected back onto this girl.
Speaker 1: She I'm sure she has body image issues. I'm sure
Speaker 1: she had some kind of a thing where a man
Speaker 1: left her, she felt unstable, or you know, she felt lonely,
Speaker 1: and she had to raise her daughter as a single mom.
Speaker 1: Those kinds of things, I know people like that. I
Speaker 1: knew a girl one of my best friends in middle school.
Speaker 1: Her mom was like that. Her main concern was always
Speaker 1: at this girl who was very smart in ap classes
Speaker 1: and should have been concentrating on other things. She was like,
Speaker 1: just really wanted this girl to always have a boyfriend.
Speaker 1: And even when I was in the sixth grade, I
Speaker 1: was like, this is sixth grade. I was like, this
Speaker 1: is upsetting and this is weird and and it's just
Speaker 1: not my god, not a priority. And the thing is,
Speaker 1: when you're a kid, it takes so long to know
Speaker 1: that your mother isn't right, even if that doesn't mean
Speaker 1: your mom's piece of ship, but that that is a
Speaker 1: really hard pill to swallow, and that again, therapy, therapy, therapy,
Speaker 1: find Maybe find a therapist in her area if you
Speaker 1: think that she's not the type of person that would
Speaker 1: be willing to get off her ass and find a therapist,
Speaker 1: maybe finding four and give her number asked recommendations from
Speaker 1: people in in the area where where she lives. I
Speaker 1: don't know, but I think that that's going to be
Speaker 1: the thing that's saver. Yeah, and I don't and I
Speaker 1: don't think to ultimately, go back to your subject line,
Speaker 1: I don't think in this case walking away like you've
Speaker 1: been friends for that long. This is someone who needs
Speaker 1: your friendship, and I feel like if you've gone this far,
Speaker 1: she she she didn't really, she's she's hurting herself. She's
Speaker 1: not really hurting you. You're you're hurting because you're too empathy.
Speaker 1: You guys are both hurting yourselves in this situation. So
Speaker 1: there's I don't think there's any grounds for a friend breakup.
Speaker 1: This is that this is an instance where your friend
Speaker 1: needs you now more than ever, but you need to
Speaker 1: She needs something that's like grab over the shoulders and
Speaker 1: just shake her and be like this of yourself. You
Speaker 1: need help, girl, and you need it now because it's
Speaker 1: only going to get harder. Um. We player this episode. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just whatever you can do. Um. The next subject line
Speaker 1: is sexting with my son's baseball coach and my husban
Speaker 1: and is angry about drama. Thank you for bringing humor
Speaker 1: and truth to my ears. It really makes my morning
Speaker 1: commute a lot better. Guess what else does this sex thing?
Speaker 1: I'm not even connizant um, So I wanted to get
Speaker 1: your opinion slash advice, slash feedback on my current fund
Speaker 1: up love life. My husband and I have an open relationship.
Speaker 1: For a long time. We had been toying with the
Speaker 1: idea of finding a woman and trying a triad type relationship.
Speaker 1: Last year it actually happened. It was awesome for a
Speaker 1: few months, and we were all growing um the connection,
Speaker 1: having great sex, and feeling pretty excited about the future. Solely,
Speaker 1: I started to feel quote outside of things and to
Speaker 1: feel like hers in my communication styles didn't line up
Speaker 1: well enough to pursue a long term, serious relationship. I
Speaker 1: told my husband this. He told her it was over.
Speaker 1: I believed that that was it, especially because when I
Speaker 1: tried to talk to him about her, he'd get really
Speaker 1: offended and asked me to just let it heal. But
Speaker 1: it wasn't over. Nine months later, Please don't say that,
Speaker 1: I think about a baby. And months later I found
Speaker 1: out that he created a secret email account. What was it?
Speaker 1: The baby? Definitely not talking to the other chick at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. I hope it was. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: what a dumb ask um. I found that he created
Speaker 1: a secret email account where he'd been continuing a romantic
Speaker 1: and sexual communication with her off and on since about
Speaker 1: three weeks after he told me it was over with her.
Speaker 1: Oh and they'd had sex once and hung out a
Speaker 1: lot during this time. I was pissed. I'm surprisingly had
Speaker 1: sex once. That's impressive, Um, not because of his feelings,
Speaker 1: but because of the fact that he had repeatedly lied
Speaker 1: to my face had made me feel crazy for believing
Speaker 1: that something was still going on. Oh and that on
Speaker 1: my birthday he'd sent her a picture of his coming
Speaker 1: on a photo of her ask that's happy not birthday
Speaker 1: to me. It has a lot of layers. And the
Speaker 1: baseball coach part I showed up with my son's got
Speaker 1: son's baseball practice, crying, yes you did, girl, and the
Speaker 1: coach was like, oh, do you need I see it?
Speaker 1: It's very sexy. Coach gave me a hug and a
Speaker 1: kiss on the chilk and later sent me a text
Speaker 1: with a photo of him holding a flower. Okay, now
Speaker 1: I just lost my I lost my ways holding a
Speaker 1: flower to make my beautiful smile shine. Cheesy, I know,
Speaker 1: but I was still vulnerable and sad, and Ladies, this
Speaker 1: is where we get into trouble. You know. I falled
Speaker 1: for this so many and angry that I went for
Speaker 1: it and have been sexting with him ever since. Flowers, God, Damna,
Speaker 1: flowers should just be a guy coming home with flowers
Speaker 1: and then just groans and underwall of the flower. Good
Speaker 1: idea if you're hiring now. From my perspective, doing this
Speaker 1: has reminded me of the terms of our open relationship
Speaker 1: and that being sexually attracted to someone else doesn't diminish
Speaker 1: the way that I feel about my husband, which is
Speaker 1: that I love him and want to make things better
Speaker 1: between us, and the way to do that is always
Speaker 1: just to sex someone else. People tell any I always
Speaker 1: tell people that, oh, you guys are getting a lot
Speaker 1: of fights when you want to sex someone else. From
Speaker 1: my husband's perspective, it's our version to put a bird
Speaker 1: on it. From my husband's perspective, I'm responding to his
Speaker 1: crappy choices. I love Portlandia, but being selfish and narcissistic,
Speaker 1: and then my actions are not in line with my
Speaker 1: stated goal to save our marriage. I mean, he's not
Speaker 1: really helping either. But oh and he likes to bring
Speaker 1: up that he's sure my friends are as he says,
Speaker 1: quote feminists you go girl style, supporting my choices, which
Speaker 1: is honestly not a big part of it for me. Okay,
Speaker 1: there's a lot here. I'm sure girl, I'm sure yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that we're both And it's like, I know
Speaker 1: you're white, so that that hurt a little bit more.
Speaker 1: It's like, don't make us look more. I'm sure that
Speaker 1: we're both right to some extent, but I also want
Speaker 1: a somewhat neutral perspective. What's your take? Lots and lots
Speaker 1: of and lots of anti slut shaming loves you. Thanks girl, Okay,
Speaker 1: you go, you go girl. Thanks. Also, your husband violated
Speaker 1: in the terms of your relationship. They violated the deal
Speaker 1: you had. So it seemed like you did this out
Speaker 1: of feeling vulnerable, But you felt vulnerable because he fucking
Speaker 1: violated the terms of your your agreement. He lied to you,
Speaker 1: for sure. I mean, look at the second someone I've
Speaker 1: been in relationship with. The second someone does something wrong,
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I'm gonna go text Johnny, and I's
Speaker 1: a normal reaction. And but two wrongs don't make it right.
Speaker 1: You're just you're just muddying the situation, especially and it's
Speaker 1: especially tough one. This is your husband, this is your
Speaker 1: this is your life. This is someone that you really
Speaker 1: committed to. So it's like, yeah, you know, it's fun
Speaker 1: to It's fine to be like kind of petty. It's
Speaker 1: fine to be petty if you're just dating. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: can fortunately be fun And that's why I do it.
Speaker 1: That's what dating is all about. Being petty as bish.
Speaker 1: Once you're marriage text beat first, buckle down, bitches, um
Speaker 1: god um okay, so god, you need to you need to. Okay.
Speaker 1: This is another instance of people getting into these these
Speaker 1: open relationships uh slash triad multi polyamory without really talking
Speaker 1: about it or having good rules. I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: it's it's these things, just like a regular relationship. If
Speaker 1: you think of regular relationship is hard, and you're becoming
Speaker 1: poly amorous or open because you think that's going to
Speaker 1: make it easier, I gotta say, I think you're wrong
Speaker 1: and it's gonna make it harder. But also she doesn't say,
Speaker 1: did you I hope to god you had a discussion
Speaker 1: with your husband about Hey, I know about that picture
Speaker 1: of all my birthday where you were coming on her
Speaker 1: asked and they send it her, but it was my
Speaker 1: birthday over here. Hi, I'm your wife, like that, What
Speaker 1: the fuck? What did he say? I want to know
Speaker 1: that your husband's being a real ship back to be honest,
Speaker 1: I mean, there's there's no way we I'm on your
Speaker 1: side for for this, but uh, I mean sexting not
Speaker 1: a huge deal, especially with everything he did. But again,
Speaker 1: like if you really want to salvage this relationship, you
Speaker 1: can't also do something bad to get back at him,
Speaker 1: Like you have to be the adults and side note
Speaker 1: rule of thumb, just don't get sexually involved with people
Speaker 1: who are working with your kids. I think it's a
Speaker 1: bad idea. No matter how much you think the kids
Speaker 1: don't know kids are much smarter, they always end up
Speaker 1: finding out. It's embarrassing for the kid. Just don't. I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm really against that. I don't know. I don't like that.
Speaker 1: I've never had that experience, nor have I known anybody
Speaker 1: with like In my school, it was very incestuous. People
Speaker 1: were always fucking like parents. Single parents were always like teachers.
Speaker 1: It was very uncomfortable for everybody. No one needs, No
Speaker 1: one needs. School is hard not to play baseball, yeah,
Speaker 1: got Childhood's hard enough with that, you fucking He picks
Speaker 1: to the baseball coach as as fun as it maybe, Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I'm sure he's sound fun. That's why he doesn't
Speaker 1: have a real job. That's not his only job. Oh god, no,
Speaker 1: I hope not know. He works somewhere else. Also, like us,
Speaker 1: never someone's own. When you're like when you're like a
Speaker 1: kid's BASEBA coach, you're usually getting like a thousand dollars
Speaker 1: for like the whole season from like the town you girl,
Speaker 1: you're taking him? And then people wonder why child molesters
Speaker 1: get into it because it's like, who else is taking
Speaker 1: that job? Maybe if you pay people more, we'll get
Speaker 1: a better quality. It's like if you don't, if you're
Speaker 1: not getting financially reimburse you have to make up your
Speaker 1: own perks. Where you know who we were paying well,
Speaker 1: Sad Dusky. Sorry, I went to pens Day. I gotta
Speaker 1: bring it up. Talk to your husband. Sandusky just hit
Speaker 1: the jackpot because we're paying aale time, paying him well.
Speaker 1: And then the kids well, I mean not when we
Speaker 1: got found out, but that's how tris. And if you
Speaker 1: see someone doing its fucking say sounding Jesus Christ. Yeah,
Speaker 1: even if you if you have the urge to touch kids,
Speaker 1: that's not the problem. But the buck, the buck stops there.
Speaker 1: I mean, I hope. So yeah, what's the thing that's
Speaker 1: the legal But I don't want I don't want people
Speaker 1: to feel bad about it. You know that. Don't do it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't do it because I mean, now, all these goddamn
Speaker 1: all this knowledge we know about pedophilia, this research, We've done,
Speaker 1: a documentaries we've watched about how there's so many people
Speaker 1: living living with this desire that aren't ship You're a
Speaker 1: god damn hero watching one documentary about on pedophilia and
Speaker 1: now we are the leading you every experts in the US.
Speaker 1: We know we we We saw one documentary and we
Speaker 1: also listened to one thirty minute podcast we did about pedophilia.
Speaker 1: This American Life was really good. Christie Dodger, Heaven Karan
Speaker 1: Fisher pedophil leading pedophilia experts. Honestly we might be close.
Speaker 1: Well and no part that's two documentaries. Wait wait, wait,
Speaker 1: what was the other documentary? Some other one I was
Speaker 1: referring to pervert park. There's another one, though, I forget
Speaker 1: which one it is. I've watched so many docks, right,
Speaker 1: I mean, who was it who took Johnny? That's more
Speaker 1: human sex strapped yamp well also makes me pedophilia but
Speaker 1: a little mixed. Don't ever watching. If you're ever like
Speaker 1: I want to smile, don't put on a documentary. Okay,
Speaker 1: our guest today is regretting doing this episode. It's like,
Speaker 1: why you guys really brought me on Strong. He's been
Speaker 1: on Conan, it's been Comedy Central half hour special, he
Speaker 1: has one special out seven on at Midnightmare and Inside
Speaker 1: Amy Schooner. He's one of our favorite standup comedian. This
Speaker 1: guy's so fucking funny. Look him up. If he is
Speaker 1: in your town doing stand up, you have to go
Speaker 1: see him. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sean Patton. Words
Speaker 1: are fire burning, bit you to your door, stop me there,
Speaker 1: and begging me please for more. I can't tell you
Speaker 1: everything because you know you not quick listening, will lie.
Speaker 1: I want to tell you everything, tell you every thing,
Speaker 1: but the words might ste love me, love me you guys,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm sure you've had people tell you a
Speaker 1: sex story and they're like hot and you're like kill me.
Speaker 1: So you got laid, Yeah, and it was like by
Speaker 1: the time it was done, the sun had come up.
Speaker 1: Oh here was Sean Patton. He might get back in
Speaker 1: a weed. Please tell me. That's the intro to the show. Oh,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, Thank you much God. Yes, I
Speaker 1: have had sex high of course, Yeah, I think. I think. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's been a while. It's been seven years since I've smoked.
Speaker 1: We just over. You're gonna get So what if you
Speaker 1: do pick it up again the first time, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be I'm hoping it's like that first time. The problem
Speaker 1: is like I'll never have that innocence of that first time.
Speaker 1: And I don't mean like I've never done drugs before innocence.
Speaker 1: I mean like that like mental The world is not
Speaker 1: a terrible place fourteen year old innocence, you know where
Speaker 1: you're like wow, man, like anything that goes wrong. The
Speaker 1: the elder's got it, the older people and my uncle
Speaker 1: Steve and my parents they're Mormon. No, I mean I
Speaker 1: used to think the Mormon's got her back. Yeah, the Mormons.
Speaker 1: Do you remember being a kid, I mean maybe you
Speaker 1: guys didn't have that same intelligy. I didn't smoke. I
Speaker 1: was eighteen in college and I didn't get high the
Speaker 1: first six times I smoked it. Yeah, it takes a
Speaker 1: few times. I still haven't been high off WED. I
Speaker 1: think I have some kind of THHC block. I talked
Speaker 1: to a guy in Denver about it. Everyone goes to
Speaker 1: It's like Denver's where you go to like talk to
Speaker 1: the weed. Yeah. Yeah, I saw a I don't think
Speaker 1: the guy was legit or licensed or anything, but like
Speaker 1: a weed therapist in Denver at a festival. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean it was just a booth. No, it was at
Speaker 1: a bar like he but I met him. I met
Speaker 1: him at a party after a show. Right, and he
Speaker 1: told me what he did, and then he showed up.
Speaker 1: He was at the next show, and we just sat
Speaker 1: at the bar and like talked, and his answers really
Speaker 1: like the shit he was saying was really like, you
Speaker 1: know that most street weed is grown outdoors, so it's
Speaker 1: heavy sativa. Sativa is the heady high. So most of
Speaker 1: your life when you get high, you're smoking heavy like
Speaker 1: you know, cerebral marijuana from sucking like dirty, dirty, some
Speaker 1: road dirty cerebral marijuana. Right, all right, so you're like,
Speaker 1: you're getting high and of course you're freaking out. Of
Speaker 1: course you ain't paying attacks and like most people don't
Speaker 1: even experience the tiva. I mean, I'm sorry, Indica until
Speaker 1: they go to like a Denver or It took me
Speaker 1: a couple of years to realize there was even two
Speaker 1: kinds exactly, So I'm like, what really is the difference?
Speaker 1: And now they call themselves bud tenders, the people who
Speaker 1: sell you. The week we saw bud tenders in Portland's
Speaker 1: did they call themselves? Yeah, I think it was that part.
Speaker 1: I think it was written. I don't think they said, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be your bud tenders, isn't it weird
Speaker 1: to realize that the entire West Coast is like marijuana
Speaker 1: legal California. Every time I'm going to a restaurant though,
Speaker 1: and I stay where weed is legal, it's just like hey,
Speaker 1: I like, I'm like, got not now why are you smoking? Now? Wait?
Speaker 1: You suck at this high? I will say, though, like
Speaker 1: I'm on this like mission. I kind of talked about this,
Speaker 1: I think on stage the night the night we talked,
Speaker 1: I talked, um, I am, I'm on a mission to
Speaker 1: like stomp out the belief that alcohol is good for
Speaker 1: comedy audiences. Oh it's terrible. It's it's it's like one
Speaker 1: of those things that you're just like you do all
Speaker 1: your life. Yeah, you know, everyone has that thing that
Speaker 1: you do all your life. Like, if I could just
Speaker 1: stop doing this thing in my life would be so
Speaker 1: much If clubs would stop forcing audience members to be drunk,
Speaker 1: shows would be so much better. The minimum, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just let him. There should be a maximum. Should be
Speaker 1: a to drink maximum. Yeah, it should free drink maximum.
Speaker 1: Because when you don't have a minimum, like my monthly show,
Speaker 1: like people in up buying like four drinks a piece.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I mean this it's a comedy show.
Speaker 1: You got pay attention, right, Well do you remember, Okay,
Speaker 1: did you ever do? Have you ever? I'm sure you
Speaker 1: guys know of the meltdown sound you have a breakdown.
Speaker 1: I've heard about that time that audience was so drunk
Speaker 1: I've murdered half of them. No, that that show, I
Speaker 1: mean the live show in l a for I mean
Speaker 1: they stopped doing it, but they did it for like
Speaker 1: seven years. That venue. They only sold alcohol for like
Speaker 1: one year of those shows. And then you're not Even
Speaker 1: though no one's ever confirmed this, the venue got ratted
Speaker 1: out and everyone believes it's from a comedian who didn't
Speaker 1: ever get booked on the show. But yeah, exactly. But
Speaker 1: for like six and a half years, that show couldn't
Speaker 1: sell booze at it. You couldn't. You could bring your
Speaker 1: own and and some people did, most people didn't. But
Speaker 1: because everyone wasn't forced to be hammered, it's why it
Speaker 1: was such an amazing show. Yeah, because you're just gonna
Speaker 1: do what you want, genuinely want to do. We had
Speaker 1: a show where it was be a y O B
Speaker 1: and it Okay, we just made jungle juice. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: made jungle juice. And people would bring like six packs.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, but no one got too crazy. What's
Speaker 1: in jungle juice again? Whatever? Whatever? Yeah, half of and
Speaker 1: we sold it on an honesty system. We literally had
Speaker 1: a picture and we're like, just put yours in this
Speaker 1: cop put as much as you can get. And we
Speaker 1: had money at the end of It's right, we made
Speaker 1: a cute People were very I think people were actually
Speaker 1: overpaying because we weren't there asking for it. You aren't gym.
Speaker 1: You just left the pitch like an open picture. Yeah yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I mean like it's like, you know, people were watching
Speaker 1: even one could I mean, I guess someone could have
Speaker 1: put the date break and rape the whole in retrospect
Speaker 1: and think of that. It wasn't different world. This was
Speaker 1: like ten years. Did I tell you what. It's not
Speaker 1: even date rape drugs. It's um. I saw it happen
Speaker 1: to see No, no, no, it's l s D. I
Speaker 1: saw it happen to someone when I was in high school.
Speaker 1: I saw someone get dosed and drink. Yeah. It was
Speaker 1: basically just just so you know the context, it was
Speaker 1: at a rave because well that happened. Rap culture was
Speaker 1: huge when I was in high it's where it started
Speaker 1: in New Orleans. You've been a bunch of raids. People
Speaker 1: have fucking rains now, no one everyone people, Okay, shere's
Speaker 1: a question, because I know this is a sex podcast.
Speaker 1: Do most people say that they have or even ken
Speaker 1: funk on ecstasy? I thought was supposed to be better?
Speaker 1: Isn't molly a pure form of ecstasy? Every time? Because
Speaker 1: I want to touch people when I when I the
Speaker 1: one time we've never done either of us have them
Speaker 1: due pure ecstasy? Though? Right? No? No, no, And I
Speaker 1: don't know that. I feel like that drug used to
Speaker 1: be cool and it's not. People don't do it as
Speaker 1: much anymore. Molly. Everyone actually sees like I mean, ecstasies
Speaker 1: cocaine and heroin basically really yeah, depending on the bat, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't do that. I'm sure. I'm sure it's something else.
Speaker 1: But from what I understand, it's essentially the perfect balance
Speaker 1: of like cocaine, heroin, and I think actually Speedball is
Speaker 1: cocaine and heroin. But yeah, my ecstasy is not pure ecstasy.
Speaker 1: It's some like combination of that makes you like up
Speaker 1: and like feel good. But that's the thing. If you
Speaker 1: do I have done pure Molly not that many times,
Speaker 1: and the last time was uh two fourteen at Eric
Speaker 1: Andre's birthday party. You know in l A. There was
Speaker 1: a goat. No one touched the goat, and Eric, out
Speaker 1: of his goddamn mind, runted a petting zoo for his apartment.
Speaker 1: That's kind of her birthday. Well, I mean they were
Speaker 1: puppies I had. That's great, but we swam in goat.
Speaker 1: I would still pet that thing now. I would probably
Speaker 1: hate spend the whole the day with that goat. Most
Speaker 1: people did and then they left. But then like, yeah,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, that's right. This isn't the goats birthday. This
Speaker 1: isn't these aren't these five goats birthdays. But I didn't.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've done Molly. That was the last time,
Speaker 1: and I've done it before that. To me, fucking is
Speaker 1: the farthest thing from my mind. It's like, yeah, touching
Speaker 1: people and caressing and like mashing our like let's mesh
Speaker 1: our hearts together, you know what I'm saying, Let's become one.
Speaker 1: But like nothing feels like sexual like that, like lust
Speaker 1: just doesn't enter my brain does It makes me very like, no,
Speaker 1: why I have sexually? Yeah, let's get naked. We could
Speaker 1: also build this for right, putting penis into a gina. No,
Speaker 1: but like rubbing our like our butts, like it's just
Speaker 1: like hug and like let's just like like look at
Speaker 1: my look how weird myses look at it like way
Speaker 1: too real? Yeah, it just gets way too like more
Speaker 1: on like a less sexual more just like bodies are
Speaker 1: fucking awesome. The bodies are so weird. Sex is so
Speaker 1: weird when you're sober, though, are you like a sexual person?
Speaker 1: You're I'm a scorpio. I don't know what I don't
Speaker 1: know what that means. As as as the proprietors, the
Speaker 1: owners and operators of a sex podcast, you should get
Speaker 1: down on your Yeah, but that's bullshit. When you say
Speaker 1: I'm a scorpia, that just means easy. Oh you're a
Speaker 1: fucking idioc yes, okay, okay, um. Do I believe in
Speaker 1: the zodiac. I mean enough people talk about it. I
Speaker 1: think the zodiac is like I see, I think it's
Speaker 1: like ethnicity right, like it's it doesn't really mean anything, right,
Speaker 1: but certain trip attributes are in place. I see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Like I'm not No, because you're Latin doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you're crazy. Absolutely not yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But like I have met a lot of Latin people
Speaker 1: with an eccentricity to them right right, right, exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: Um so like scorpios for example, Like are we all
Speaker 1: like secretive lurking in the darkness trying to want to No? No,
Speaker 1: but we are, but we are Like the things I
Speaker 1: know about people could ruine I could ruin lit. That's
Speaker 1: fun fun keeping secrets like, I love it. I love it.
Speaker 1: I love like hanging it over the person's head. No,
Speaker 1: I just like knowing. So it's just between you and
Speaker 1: you and do people. Is there something about you that
Speaker 1: people tell you secrets? Because people tell me secrets, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I didn't need to know that she keeps them too, dude, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I have to, but it's like I didn't
Speaker 1: need that stress of my secret you got on somebody.
Speaker 1: I don't need names. I mean, I don't, okay, I
Speaker 1: don't go to the nature of the dirt. I'll tell
Speaker 1: you this. I don't okay. I've never heard anything like murder. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't even that. But I know, like there there
Speaker 1: are two people who if I don't really talk to
Speaker 1: these people much anymore, but I know they've both committed
Speaker 1: fraud like that I know, and I know at least
Speaker 1: is it shitty fraud or like you stuck it to
Speaker 1: the man for us combination, but both both like punishable
Speaker 1: by law fraud. Um that I could I don't think
Speaker 1: I could prove. But I just don't know. I mean, like,
Speaker 1: you know, there's no yeah, there's no, no, it's not okay,
Speaker 1: it's not paper trail related. That's a problem. I wouldn't know,
Speaker 1: but it's But it's still like they told me some
Speaker 1: ship around like dog that is illegal. Um. And I
Speaker 1: know at least a handful of marriages I could end
Speaker 1: right now, but don't worry. Not in the comedy. See,
Speaker 1: those are the ones that I mean, those are the
Speaker 1: secrets that I hate because I just feel so bad.
Speaker 1: And then you look at the person who has like
Speaker 1: been cheated on you. You have to see their face
Speaker 1: and you're like, poor sucker, you know, and your friends
Speaker 1: with both people. The woman's like, I just don't know
Speaker 1: why he's been so mean to me, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I know, I'm not gonna That's what's funny is that
Speaker 1: you assume the cheaters were all men. Now it's it's fifty.
Speaker 1: But also a lot of them aren't cheap based. There
Speaker 1: a couple of them are like lie based, like things
Speaker 1: that the person lied about that. Now, if the person
Speaker 1: in the relationship with the new that was a lie,
Speaker 1: there's no way I had nothing to do with infidelity
Speaker 1: of any kind of love him did, Okay, But like
Speaker 1: I mean, I can give you example because this isn't
Speaker 1: gonna hurt. Yeah, I don't want to funk anybody over. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but like I give you because I doubt this person
Speaker 1: even listen to the podcast. But like years and years
Speaker 1: and years ago, Like, um, there's a girl I know
Speaker 1: whose brother, I'm sorry, the brother of her now husband
Speaker 1: she fucked and he doesn't know they fucked previously before
Speaker 1: she was with the husband or was in a before before.
Speaker 1: But but the brother her husband doesn't know, and the
Speaker 1: other brother and I are the only other people who know.
Speaker 1: And he even was like, we can fucking never say
Speaker 1: anything that I wouldn't if it wasn't they do. But
Speaker 1: I know the guy, the husband in the relationship, if
Speaker 1: he knew, there is no way, there is no way cheating.
Speaker 1: Who cares. I mean, he's just weird. It's a weird thing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a weird thing. It's like weird fucked my brother.
Speaker 1: We had a guy who sucked his wife's sister like
Speaker 1: a week before. He emailed us and he was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: fucked my wife's sister. She was coming on to me
Speaker 1: and he detailed and I was like, yo, I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: maybe don't tell her. I don't know. We had a
Speaker 1: guy at a show say something similar to remember, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: we've had a lot of people sucked her. Because the
Speaker 1: thing is, and we have this thing, um like, how
Speaker 1: many relationships have you been in? See? I mean, I mean,
Speaker 1: I like how how your voice goes? Once again, scorpio
Speaker 1: saying that you know how scorpios are. We're high pitched.
Speaker 1: You need to give me like it's a rundown of
Speaker 1: a scorpio real quick before we go on. The reason
Speaker 1: I bring that up is because if you look every
Speaker 1: every zodiac sign is ruled by a part of the body, okay,
Speaker 1: and that that part of the body affects and the
Speaker 1: corps by your dick genitals. I was all scarpet like,
Speaker 1: Scorpius are ruled by our generals. Scorpios are are the
Speaker 1: sexual sign of the zodiac. Do you know about other zodiac.
Speaker 1: So I'm Libra. What am I ruled by? You are
Speaker 1: ruled I believe by your heart. I was gonna say,
Speaker 1: I think it's hard by your upper abdom. And then
Speaker 1: first day I think pisces are are ruled by the head.
Speaker 1: I think pisces are like total. I think that makes
Speaker 1: sense for you. Yeah, because you up here. No it's not,
Speaker 1: it's you because you like you overthink a lot of stuff. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true, that's true. True, I'll be wrong by my
Speaker 1: vagina gut, but you're But you're also a water sign, Pisces.
Speaker 1: I believe in Pisce and water signs. To my knowledge,
Speaker 1: I could be wrong, and trust me, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: some listeners who are zodiac fucking They're gonna be real.
Speaker 1: Maces are ruled by the fourth sign rising in the east,
Speaker 1: the House of the Tourists, and the Quemini rising in
Speaker 1: the song and recently everything switched. So technically, like I
Speaker 1: think signs, I don't go by that is most hardcore
Speaker 1: Zodiac fans don't. Yeah, I don't go by that. I
Speaker 1: believe we're all my life. I can't change now. Physicus
Speaker 1: is that sign anyway? Like Harry Potter, it does. But
Speaker 1: but um water signs in general are sexual Oh fun okay,
Speaker 1: and I'm pretty sure wiz aries. No, I'm a libra.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it might be in I just hate
Speaker 1: this is what I hate. What about people who are
Speaker 1: like astrology nerves when they insert their knowledge at times
Speaker 1: where I'm like I don't need that, where it's like,
Speaker 1: oh this didn't work out, recheated on me something, they're
Speaker 1: like typical Leo. I'm like, shut the funk up. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's just an asshole exactly. But but that's the thing,
Speaker 1: like that's but when talking about how sex just damn
Speaker 1: it in there just over and over. So how many
Speaker 1: relationships have you? Like, are you a long term guy?
Speaker 1: Are you high? I mean over the years. I mean
Speaker 1: I'm in a long term relationship now three years now.
Speaker 1: I'm prior to that, I'd say, you know, a dozen,
Speaker 1: but they were all pretty I had one long term
Speaker 1: when like a decade ago it was like two and
Speaker 1: a half years, and then in between then and now
Speaker 1: just no casual ships A lot to me, I guess,
Speaker 1: I guess I feel like you gotta swag about you
Speaker 1: and you're so belly laugh far Like when you see
Speaker 1: your comedy. It's like so overwhelmingly funny that I'm like,
Speaker 1: you gotta be getting puy. It depends on what though.
Speaker 1: I guess. Okay, interestingly enough, like I'm not I'm a
Speaker 1: very this is a god, this is you. Guys are
Speaker 1: gonna just devour me after this, but like I'm a
Speaker 1: very like I guess, sensual person if that makes sense.
Speaker 1: Imagine it would be a very sweet, cute boyfriend. Yes,
Speaker 1: and that's part of it, that too, but also like um,
Speaker 1: two adorable things or whoever you're with. Yeah, all of
Speaker 1: those things are I brought. Yeah, I brought my girlfriend.
Speaker 1: I got on very late last night, and I know
Speaker 1: she likes blueberries, so I got her some blueberries and
Speaker 1: put them next to her like water bottle that she
Speaker 1: takes every morning. Yeah, the fridge. It was like blueberries. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you like those? Wow? I am such a fucking pudd dude.
Speaker 1: I do that with Steven all the time. Before leaf.
Speaker 1: I'll buy him as he loves Chabani yogurt, and I'll
Speaker 1: just get him a stack and I'll put a sticky
Speaker 1: note on in the fridge and be like yogurt for you.
Speaker 1: Sometimes my boyfriend leaves a sweatshirt on my kitchen counter,
Speaker 1: and I see is he is? He a? But I
Speaker 1: think where he goes they assume you want their musk
Speaker 1: at all times, so you're sensual sexually or also like
Speaker 1: to to your girlfriend like when you're sitting on the
Speaker 1: couch or I mean like even in my single day,
Speaker 1: it's like I was never into any like super disgustingly
Speaker 1: kinky ship, Like I couldn't get into like it sounded
Speaker 1: like he wanted to be there. Well no, I mean
Speaker 1: like the idea of gagging, I've had it, happened, I've
Speaker 1: had it. There was one time where a girl was like,
Speaker 1: did the whole gagging on the Yeah? And uh and
Speaker 1: I don't even have to me. I'm like, I'm impressed
Speaker 1: that you found enough to gag on there. But it
Speaker 1: was consulting and condescending, like all right, are you being sarcastic?
Speaker 1: But it was also something I didn't like from my end.
Speaker 1: I was like, what why, what is the thing that
Speaker 1: feels fucking weird to me? It feels like you're weaponizing
Speaker 1: my ship, Like I don't, well, what is your dick
Speaker 1: feel like when someone's gagging on it? Yeah? Not good?
Speaker 1: I don't like it. It doesn't feel different though. It
Speaker 1: was just the sounds that make your like a rocking
Speaker 1: boat or like, what's the sensation. No, it feels like
Speaker 1: someone's giving you a blow job and then suddenly your
Speaker 1: penis is touching their back of their fucking throat. So
Speaker 1: the penis actually does get up. They have to make
Speaker 1: like an ox, you know, you have to actually actually
Speaker 1: hit that with vibrations. Oh, the dangling thing and the
Speaker 1: knowing what's happening makes it very like not in that
Speaker 1: come on, takes you out of the moment now at
Speaker 1: the moment. Also, just like I don't like I've never
Speaker 1: gotten into like the the the whole like choking, hitting,
Speaker 1: that's not your thing. I'm not. I'm not into the
Speaker 1: concept of I'm into rough sex in a way that
Speaker 1: is sexual, not in a way that's like you know,
Speaker 1: fucking slam my head against the thing. And I'm not violent,
Speaker 1: I'm not, but not even violence just like a a
Speaker 1: pull my hair, all right, But why you explained to me, why,
Speaker 1: like what is it your hair? I'm like longer to me, Well,
Speaker 1: to me, I'm like, isn't the aren't the genitals being stimulated?
Speaker 1: Isn't that what we want. But it's like women and pleasure,
Speaker 1: it's like salty and sweet they go together, and women
Speaker 1: need so much more than just the like you know,
Speaker 1: it's just a lot of more intricate layers also had
Speaker 1: it to where like I've also I mean, I'm sure
Speaker 1: you've had this with guys as well, where I've had
Speaker 1: the women who like, we're like, I want you to
Speaker 1: you know, get in the build up. It's like, you know,
Speaker 1: get fucking crazy on me. And I'm liked like an
Speaker 1: intro to like a black eyed people. I only date
Speaker 1: women who have only been in one relationship a decade
Speaker 1: crazy on my butt, want you to know, um, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, like they but once it actually starts,
Speaker 1: they had no intention of that actually being the yeah
Speaker 1: talks the talk. I've gone the other way where women
Speaker 1: have been like they've They've expressed to me how fucking
Speaker 1: psycho kinky they are, and I'm like, all right, I'll submit,
Speaker 1: take take me. And it's and it's like is this
Speaker 1: what you consider dominated? Like what? Give me? Example, like
Speaker 1: you you're on top and my hands are you kind
Speaker 1: of pined my hands down exactly, and it's like, whoa,
Speaker 1: you're such a wild one. So it's like for me,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I guess maybe, but I've also but
Speaker 1: I have also been beaten up, like the ship kicked
Speaker 1: out during sex. Yeah, you got beat up during sex.
Speaker 1: There was a time it was this woman in uh
Speaker 1: I won't say the name of the town, but I
Speaker 1: was in a town and I was doing things population
Speaker 1: and it was it was a person I knew that
Speaker 1: was the thing. It was like, well, those were someone
Speaker 1: I knew that friends had no clue that there was
Speaker 1: ever any like anything. And then after a show, we're
Speaker 1: drunk and she made a comment and I was like,
Speaker 1: that's an interesting comment to make, and then my response
Speaker 1: to the comment led Now we're back in her hotel room.
Speaker 1: But during the fucking, she started choking me, and I
Speaker 1: was like, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1: But it was kind of funny because we didn't stop sucking. Wow,
Speaker 1: you were renegotiating. Wait a second, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I just can't. I can't really do I can't. I'm
Speaker 1: not into that. Sorry, and she was sorry, and we
Speaker 1: go back into it and then the claws come in.
Speaker 1: You know, maybe he'll like this what I'm okay with
Speaker 1: at first, but then it got like too much. Then
Speaker 1: it went from it was like, all right, now you're
Speaker 1: like trying, you're digging. Men in my experience do not
Speaker 1: like paint men and pain, Well, women do have seven
Speaker 1: times the threshold. Yeah, I believe that your little bit,
Speaker 1: little bit, little bitches a sip of a coffee drink.
Speaker 1: We drink our coffee with, right, that makes total sense.
Speaker 1: Like to us, pain is very like, oh, stopped you guys.
Speaker 1: It's like push a fucking baby out of her. But yeah,
Speaker 1: well and also to like I feel like with kinky stuffer,
Speaker 1: with dirty stuff, it's always a lot of times it's
Speaker 1: a reflection of like how you are in your life
Speaker 1: and you want to be the opposite, and so you
Speaker 1: want control over something that's like totally not how you
Speaker 1: get treated in real life, just because it's fun. But yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's also like, yeah, I talked, but this girl
Speaker 1: beat the ship out of me. Yeah, she ends up
Speaker 1: like she ends up. She wanted to and I said, fine,
Speaker 1: do it and she did. Oh my god, she really
Speaker 1: wanted she really wanted to do it. I was like
Speaker 1: doing and she like come when she punched you or something.
Speaker 1: She got really into it and it wasn't like like
Speaker 1: deck and me like like like, it wasn't it wasn't
Speaker 1: a wind up or it wasn't like we were boxing.
Speaker 1: It was like we were just fun and she would
Speaker 1: randomly just throw Okay, I'm sorry, that's so freaking hot,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, all right, fine, beating men up, that's funny. Um.
Speaker 1: And it was then she like pounded on my chest
Speaker 1: like like which I was by that point. I was like, fine,
Speaker 1: let's just roll with this. I can roll with it
Speaker 1: once it gets fucking crazy. But it's not my intent
Speaker 1: going into it is that the crazy sex has ever
Speaker 1: gotten for you, that's all. Yeah. I mean I I
Speaker 1: went back, I came back to New York and at
Speaker 1: the time, I was living with Rebecca Trent. You know
Speaker 1: that Oh yeah, yeah, proprietor of the Green Cave um
Speaker 1: romantic friends. Her and I have never, ever, ever, ever,
Speaker 1: ever crossed that line. Yet every single person on the
Speaker 1: planet thinks we have. Oh it's annoying, yeah, but we
Speaker 1: have never even we've we discussed it. I mean, she
Speaker 1: just appreciates, like, um. But I was living with her
Speaker 1: and I showed her and she's like, what the fuck?
Speaker 1: And Rebecca's you know, let's just say you should have
Speaker 1: her on this podcast. Yeah. Yeah, she has knowledge of yea,
Speaker 1: she has a good idea, she has knowledge of Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's amazing. And the story she has really like whoa, Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's told me a few of them, like Rebecca sh Um,
Speaker 1: she'd be knowing about cardinal knowledge. Um. She showed her
Speaker 1: your scar? Why I showed him? I like, hey, look
Speaker 1: I had a bruise in my back And she's like,
Speaker 1: what then happened to you? And I told her and
Speaker 1: she was just like wow, like in a jealous way.
Speaker 1: And I was like, can I you like that? But
Speaker 1: I guess yeah for me, Like, but the ship I'm
Speaker 1: really into most people find disgusting in a different way,
Speaker 1: like what like romance, Well it's not, it's it's a
Speaker 1: different type of like like I I enjoy Like I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know how much. I don't know how much
Speaker 1: I could give away about my current relationship without because
Speaker 1: Caitlin that's her name. She will find podcasts that I've
Speaker 1: been on and be like, oh, decided to talk. But
Speaker 1: there is definitely, like, you know, things between us that
Speaker 1: are like I think, I think, highly sexual and central
Speaker 1: and hot as fun that's awesome. I you know, like
Speaker 1: like like making like making someone stare you in the
Speaker 1: eyes when you come Yeah, well that's not weird. That's
Speaker 1: not weird, but unless you're doing it like real. But
Speaker 1: if I tell someone like that's hot to me, to
Speaker 1: be like, oh that's gross. Who thinks that's gross? Someone
Speaker 1: who can't handle like emotions? Yes, most people, most human beings. Also,
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of people I don't want
Speaker 1: to admit that they're into that sort of ship. I
Speaker 1: think that they'd rather seem like no. Clearly because if
Speaker 1: you've met a lot of women who say I'm I'm crazy,
Speaker 1: then you get there and you're like just look at me,
Speaker 1: like wait what? So they think that that's what everybody wants,
Speaker 1: but that's clearly not what everybody wants. And also I
Speaker 1: feel like some people like I I my whole life.
Speaker 1: I have a highly sensitive body. I'm susceptible to being
Speaker 1: hot and cold the same way. So don't pinch me
Speaker 1: too hard and cold. Yeah, like all human beings, that's
Speaker 1: going to be the holy ship. I always want to
Speaker 1: talk to somebody like that. You can feel when you
Speaker 1: walk into a diner and says we keep it cold,
Speaker 1: but bring a sweater that was for you. What do
Speaker 1: you still get hard on? Like randomly? Randomly? Randomly? Sorry,
Speaker 1: that's Stephen was telling me a story about how he
Speaker 1: just got a boner on his way to walking down
Speaker 1: the street, like Randomly's like, man, has it happened to
Speaker 1: be in years? I'm like, oh, do guys still get
Speaker 1: random boners? D wow? Yeah? And I mean that the
Speaker 1: most random, Like it's like the one embarrassing thing that
Speaker 1: happens the dude. Yeah, I mean yeah, like no, I
Speaker 1: mean you're not to control it when you cross your legs.
Speaker 1: I mean there's a Texas Oh well, you know you
Speaker 1: wear underwear specifically designed to be able to control. That's
Speaker 1: why boxer briefs got more popular. Oh, I just thought
Speaker 1: they made your ball look good. I didn't know they
Speaker 1: held down your hard dick. When you wait, you can talk,
Speaker 1: you talk upwards. Yeah, but wait, so is it just
Speaker 1: the dick just pops up at any time? Or does
Speaker 1: something have to trigger it? Somebody that's a trigger it.
Speaker 1: I mean, like, what's an example besides hot lady obviously? Well,
Speaker 1: I mean that's that's a that's the weirdest thing. That's
Speaker 1: five percent of the examples. How about but the other
Speaker 1: fourteen I mean, uh, you know, having to pee really bad,
Speaker 1: and sometimes because you can have to sometimes like oh
Speaker 1: I've got a bump. And that's also in the morning
Speaker 1: to morning morning. I feel like for the most part,
Speaker 1: it's all. I mean, sometimes you're just thinking about You're
Speaker 1: just like memories. You're just you're seeing man that one
Speaker 1: time last time. I pop up like, like, you could
Speaker 1: be on the bus being like man that last time
Speaker 1: I went to thirty fourth and first, oh ship and
Speaker 1: then you get off the bus and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: there's there's a direction situation and you may go away.
Speaker 1: And I would have boners walking all over the city.
Speaker 1: I mean, like I do a bit about in stand up,
Speaker 1: but I do believe it for a male, especially a
Speaker 1: young male, the key to living in New York City
Speaker 1: is learning to control your inner pervert because it is
Speaker 1: being it is being poked at every by life here.
Speaker 1: I mean the every I know. A lot of people say,
Speaker 1: you know, Miami or Los Angeles were the most beautiful
Speaker 1: women thoroughly disagree. New York is untouchable as far as
Speaker 1: like beautiful people are concerned. Every male comedian says New
Speaker 1: York for the sexiest women. But yeah, it's undisputable because
Speaker 1: it's like there's different there's it's different types of women.
Speaker 1: It's real women who are sexy in real life. It's
Speaker 1: a fablated like a goal like maybe like achieved things
Speaker 1: and you're like, god damn, a working walking by just
Speaker 1: like goddamn what on the phone and just I'll do that,
Speaker 1: God damn girl, Jesus, those like high heels where it's
Speaker 1: like clack and they're just like, well anyway, yes, But
Speaker 1: so I'm saying at four thirty it needs to be
Speaker 1: put three. What do you want? What small startup? It's
Speaker 1: probably a net hat man, but she's doing it with
Speaker 1: such authority. Yeah, more powerful women are kind of like
Speaker 1: take control or take the wheel, you know what. There
Speaker 1: are a lot of here. There are a ton of
Speaker 1: really fucking hot female cops. There are, Yes, there are
Speaker 1: a lot of Latina women especially. Yeah, those are the
Speaker 1: ones who stand out to my God, because they look
Speaker 1: good with like a nice type pony tail. Yes, and
Speaker 1: then I started rapping Mrs Officer just like a fucking
Speaker 1: amazing ask with a glock. Yeah. Yeah, Next, I never
Speaker 1: realized how flattering that uniform was like, hello, it's weird though,
Speaker 1: how guns can be sexy. Like my friend of mine
Speaker 1: had relations with a popo and uh, she would tell
Speaker 1: me that she like he would come over and then
Speaker 1: he would put his gun on her dresser because he
Speaker 1: had to take his belt off and like shut the
Speaker 1: next time. And then firefighters like you one who like no,
Speaker 1: I don't want dick picks, send me gunn yeah, or
Speaker 1: like firefight, like I feel the way towards firefighters truly
Speaker 1: every time I see them, the way that men feel
Speaker 1: towards women. Any won't just a hot woman a hot woman,
Speaker 1: but it's the classic like oh god, yeah, and we
Speaker 1: like it with like that. You like it with the firesuit,
Speaker 1: like any any form full uniform, even if you have
Speaker 1: the T shirt on. Yeah, that's fine, even if you're
Speaker 1: not like attractive by society standards. I still it's I mean,
Speaker 1: I'll be holding my boyfriend's walking down the street of
Speaker 1: a whole lee ship he goes what firefighters always I
Speaker 1: can't control it. On my block in Brooklyn, we like
Speaker 1: we are between two firehouses, so you would just be
Speaker 1: like it's it makes it makes me like blush. It's
Speaker 1: so weird, But that's what I imagine how men feel
Speaker 1: a lot. Yeah, I mean and and plus like here,
Speaker 1: proximity becomes a thing, like it's something you have to
Speaker 1: learn real early on too. When you're like leaving the
Speaker 1: subway and you're walking upstairs and you look up for
Speaker 1: a second and the woman in front of he was
Speaker 1: wearing like yoga tights. Yeah yeah, and it's like, I mean,
Speaker 1: I even and you're like, okay, don't don't look, you
Speaker 1: don't look, don't look. Look, there'sn't looking that doesn't being
Speaker 1: attracted to women on the streets make you feel more manly,
Speaker 1: not you don't have to say anything, just like just
Speaker 1: like lusting after a person like more manly and like
Speaker 1: a natural, like I'm a man animals, because when I think,
Speaker 1: I feel alive. Yeah, I guess that's what it is.
Speaker 1: Because when I do that with firefighters, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like living, breathing, sexual human goddess. Sure, yeah, you
Speaker 1: know the way. I don't think there's any anything wrong
Speaker 1: with looking, there's something wrong with ugly. That's how I
Speaker 1: look at it. I don't think. I don't think I
Speaker 1: will look at beautiful women all day, but I will
Speaker 1: never cat call. I will never, I will never. Like
Speaker 1: damn girl, Well, there's a point when looking becomes what
Speaker 1: I call I rape. I mean there's a point where
Speaker 1: like it's so intense feel it there there's a vaginal
Speaker 1: alarm that women have where I mean like basically you
Speaker 1: start get wet, but it's a defense. It's a defense
Speaker 1: wetness as a like a single as opposed to because
Speaker 1: you know, like a lot of times when people are
Speaker 1: rape they talk about like they self lubricate because it's
Speaker 1: like just your body's defense of getting it over with.
Speaker 1: So it's like, yeah, so you feel it, like on
Speaker 1: the subway when someone's like looking at me, I'm like, oh, like,
Speaker 1: and it's annoying because you're like, my vagina feels like
Speaker 1: it's getting aroused. But it's like that arousal be bad arose,
Speaker 1: and that that happens a dude get when they get assaulted,
Speaker 1: if they have like a bone or something, they think
Speaker 1: that fund did I like it? And women, I mean
Speaker 1: any victim of sexual assault that has that happened to
Speaker 1: them as their body's response, it's like it's a mine fox.
Speaker 1: I didn't want that to happen, But why did it
Speaker 1: look like I wanted it. But but yeah, your body
Speaker 1: is like, let's just do it. But the stairs all morning.
Speaker 1: Your vagina sasy when something is not right. You know,
Speaker 1: does your penis ever tell you when something's not right?
Speaker 1: Probably not. Now, like you should go a rouyer bro.
Speaker 1: I mean, like, you know, if penises are easy going, yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean you vaginas are in general, like you know,
Speaker 1: grad students. You know, like like like if if vaginas
Speaker 1: and penises both applied to college, like vaginas could get
Speaker 1: into like you know, Vanderbilt, whereas like a penis like
Speaker 1: lucky if he gets into Florida State. Yeah, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, it's not there there. If there is
Speaker 1: genital intelligence, we can all just sort of accept the
Speaker 1: vaginas are definitely i Q thirty IQ points. Yeah, penises
Speaker 1: don't do like the critical thinking. I think it's the problem.
Speaker 1: I mean, if if they were athletes, if they're why
Speaker 1: they can enjoy themselves most times. Though, if they're if
Speaker 1: they're football, if they're both on a football team. Penis
Speaker 1: is a wide receiver, it's like I'm gonna run my
Speaker 1: roads just you know, and do A vagina is definitely
Speaker 1: a quarterback, like has to think. But strategy. I'm sure
Speaker 1: some of our audience enjoyed that, but I have no idea.
Speaker 1: We're talking. I'll do it. I'll do all the sports.
Speaker 1: And if generals were a Kardashian, who Kardashian, Oh god,
Speaker 1: I guess vaginas would be Courtney and then penises are
Speaker 1: definitely okay, yeah, Um do you masturbate a lot? I
Speaker 1: think who doesn't? I mean like I try, like I
Speaker 1: don't like, I feel like in a relationship you don't
Speaker 1: as much. But I also like I still do. It's
Speaker 1: a different, it's a different It's just me. There's no pressure.
Speaker 1: I don't worry about no one. I just want to
Speaker 1: worry about her. It is a basic. Yeah, it is
Speaker 1: a basic like you know, keeping the pipes, maintenance, maintenance,
Speaker 1: but for you guys. Yeah, but also like you know,
Speaker 1: I spend I'm on the road constantly, so yeah, and
Speaker 1: there's a lot of downtime when you're not traveling, you're
Speaker 1: in your hotel. Oh I masurate. Every time we go
Speaker 1: to a hotel, will go for like two hours before
Speaker 1: to go to the venue, Like all right sometimes, but
Speaker 1: on my road, I just get to the hotel. It's
Speaker 1: like just okay, you asked. Sometimes just being in the hotel,
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I'm gonna masturbate that. Yes, you get
Speaker 1: a direction because you're excited about the hotel. Wow, this
Speaker 1: new place to master. I can't arouse whatever I'm alone
Speaker 1: in a room, I'm like, oh, I could masturbate right,
Speaker 1: never hand. I never masturbate on the road because it's
Speaker 1: it takes too much out of me. I'm too tired
Speaker 1: and I won't be able to perform a show if
Speaker 1: I masturbate before, like nice chance in hell, no way,
Speaker 1: I'd be out. I mean mine like amps me up. No,
Speaker 1: after I come, I need a solid thirty minute nap.
Speaker 1: And I'm so I'm sucked every time. Yeah, I can't.
Speaker 1: I can't do it. There's nothing, nothing's getting done. I
Speaker 1: would love it. If there's there's a tarp needs to
Speaker 1: get set up connected to the bathroom. Yeah, I mean no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I would yeah, no show would go on. There's there's
Speaker 1: restraints involved, like how does she masturbate without her hands
Speaker 1: with her mind? Yeah? Yeah, I would do a lot
Speaker 1: of that, don't. I gets tired in my head. I
Speaker 1: have to concentrate really hard. That's why that's what poorns for.
Speaker 1: It just thinks for you. Yeah, have you ever? Have
Speaker 1: you ever? Have you ever came without contact? Uh? In
Speaker 1: dreams before? Yes? Um? And then I've been close Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then I don't know how how do you do that?
Speaker 1: I've never been you well, not me, but I if
Speaker 1: you made someone come without touching them, yes, can you
Speaker 1: through this? Don't spare details? Very very very quiet, very
Speaker 1: intense relationships I had why, Yes, it was another guy.
Speaker 1: I didn't say I wasn't I said I wasn't touched.
Speaker 1: There was another guy involved that I paid for it. Um,
Speaker 1: it was it was a basic like not basic, but
Speaker 1: it was you know, it was it was my girlfriend
Speaker 1: I and we were you know, we have very intense
Speaker 1: emotions for one another. Yeah. And then again and like I, um,
Speaker 1: I am extreme. I mean I feel like most guys
Speaker 1: really truly are, but like I enjoy conneling us, especially
Speaker 1: when it's someone you like. And there we there was
Speaker 1: a thing where it was like a build up where
Speaker 1: it was like, you know, you get close, but you
Speaker 1: don't know the tea is the best thing in the
Speaker 1: content with the tease. But I just basically, you guys
Speaker 1: are gonna hate how this sounds. I basically, yes, I
Speaker 1: used to do a thing. I feel like you were
Speaker 1: going there. I usould do a thing where I would like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell your vagina what I'm gonna do to
Speaker 1: it kind of thing. China whisper it will be okay
Speaker 1: because you're a professional comedian. If anyone else tried to
Speaker 1: do that, I get I would learn. I can't google
Speaker 1: it while I was down there, But can't women sort
Speaker 1: of do that quief on command? I have to have
Speaker 1: certain positions, and you're the air. You need a lubricant, yeah,
Speaker 1: an air, Yeah, you gotta have air in there. Okay,
Speaker 1: because from what I understand that, Like, because this is
Speaker 1: the thing that most I've had explained to other people before.
Speaker 1: It's like the quief is not it doesn't come from it.
Speaker 1: It's an outside it's a it's almost like breathing. Well,
Speaker 1: it's like, you know when you do this sometimes, can
Speaker 1: you make the fart noise with your elbow between in
Speaker 1: your artists? Not like farting, We're farting from your intestine.
Speaker 1: It's like when you're just a straw in like a
Speaker 1: takeout cup, and it makes the annoying squeak soundly. That's
Speaker 1: what a que but it sounds like a damn fart,
Speaker 1: but it's they're pretty funny, so funny wish penises I
Speaker 1: do too, Jesus Christ, do you know how fun? But
Speaker 1: also that was God's one gift that penises don't queefe.
Speaker 1: I think, I think you can. I can tell that
Speaker 1: you could. I can tell them between a quef and
Speaker 1: a fart, because to me, queefs don't sound like a fart.
Speaker 1: They sound more like like ripping like a there's like
Speaker 1: a there's like a not a tearing, but like an
Speaker 1: open a clear cut goal or intention. It's like more
Speaker 1: intentional sometimes when you buy like almonds and you're gonna
Speaker 1: like rip that plastic part off. It's like that specifically. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: Kim Relainer from the Deli, I mean yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: a quef sounds like to me. Yeah, where it's a
Speaker 1: farts more like a there's so many different deeper it's
Speaker 1: more like Cuba and then a it is like it's
Speaker 1: like a different breast quee a piccolow sure, but definitely
Speaker 1: like a baritone sex. Yeah, And anyone who doesn't know
Speaker 1: the difference is immature. What did you whisper to her pussy?
Speaker 1: What I mean, I can't quite remember. But also this
Speaker 1: was my girlfriend. We've been together for at this point,
Speaker 1: like eight months. That's happened. But I get that. I
Speaker 1: get it was a real hot moment's fun and I
Speaker 1: just wanted to see if I could do it, and
Speaker 1: I and it worked and it was like did I
Speaker 1: just And she was like yes, it was like how long?
Speaker 1: But wasn't there air at least hitting like the clip
Speaker 1: from your from your whisper? Sure? Yes, so yes, if
Speaker 1: we're going on technicalities, yes, there was probably like some
Speaker 1: stimulation because I think if I had like an air
Speaker 1: like an air pick, I could make myself come with that.
Speaker 1: I've never tried it, like some definitely blows into your
Speaker 1: mouth of the dentist. If I had that, I could,
Speaker 1: you know what, I've always thought that. But does the
Speaker 1: showerhead make you come? Because I can't. I'm like, what's
Speaker 1: the point of it. I don't get why so many
Speaker 1: women are like, so oh, you got a detachable showerhead
Speaker 1: made my dad? Yeah, I've never living alone. I've never
Speaker 1: had a tachable showerhead. And then when I mean to
Speaker 1: be honest, when I was living at home and we
Speaker 1: had a detachable showerhead. It was just usually me cleaning
Speaker 1: out my vagina for my period. Sorry, everyone, I don't care,
Speaker 1: but god, there's a lot of craphs that you need
Speaker 1: that when you have your period, like you gotta like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it makes what are you gonna do? You gotta Okay,
Speaker 1: got deep, you got a deep clean. It's like a
Speaker 1: car wash, you know. There is a pleasure of seeing
Speaker 1: the baby's house just fall into the drain. Okay, I'm done.
Speaker 1: I just really I love. What do you think about period?
Speaker 1: If you are going to live with another woman at all,
Speaker 1: you have to quickly accept. And they don't cross me out.
Speaker 1: I asked me out as the problem. They don't cross me.
Speaker 1: I forget though that there's still men that like are
Speaker 1: like Legimi, like I'm not gonna sex with you when
Speaker 1: you're in your period, Like I think now that that
Speaker 1: notion is hacky, and then they don't really do that.
Speaker 1: But there are dude, I love, I love going down
Speaker 1: on I just want to. I just want to. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm got cacking at off. But I love to eat blood.
Speaker 1: M N. Don't am a vampire. It is clean blood.
Speaker 1: I don't care. No, I have I have, I have
Speaker 1: I have done it before though, really, but it was
Speaker 1: when she didn't realize it was like, oh this is
Speaker 1: how is that whatever? Yeah, it's like it's not it
Speaker 1: happens like how did you notice did you start tasting?
Speaker 1: Like like I was like hey, and she was like
Speaker 1: huh wait, oh no, and it was like yeah, and
Speaker 1: then you then it's done. You gotta if you're gonna
Speaker 1: finger somebody's button hole up and then you get something
Speaker 1: in your finger, that's what who it cares. It's far
Speaker 1: of the body, right, And you know how many times
Speaker 1: I've been in that room where it's like we're guys,
Speaker 1: you're having that. You know, we're all having the sex talk.
Speaker 1: You know, this time has happened that everyone does that
Speaker 1: really okay, not about like what men not it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they don't talk to friends about sex. I hear that
Speaker 1: a lot. I mean, I'm sure some man don't. I
Speaker 1: don't believe you girls don't about some girls do not.
Speaker 1: I've yet to meet this man who does. But you
Speaker 1: hang out with mostly comics, I'm guessing right, But I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm also thirty eight years old. There was a time
Speaker 1: where I wasn't a comedian. When I was a young
Speaker 1: man like a teenager. I'm not not like, but like,
Speaker 1: you know, like we I can think of like three
Speaker 1: or four men off the top of my head who
Speaker 1: I've never shared sex stories with, and they're all gay.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that that's like a because they
Speaker 1: won't be excited. But then again, I've also had many
Speaker 1: gay men share I was like the most in my experience,
Speaker 1: not many, but that's that's that. I've had many gay
Speaker 1: men share sex story. It's like a politician stories gay
Speaker 1: men more than I have had many. I do, Um,
Speaker 1: I do uh, because I've I've I've crossed the line.
Speaker 1: I've been, I've been, I've been like that, I've crossed
Speaker 1: over I've been with a man before. Let's get into
Speaker 1: this so exciting. You're not kidding, right, Yes, is my
Speaker 1: favorite thing. I am not bought. I was, I was
Speaker 1: going that I did it thinking I was. But why
Speaker 1: did you so? What made you think that you were?
Speaker 1: By First of all, it could be because they were
Speaker 1: just you know, like I think you know, we're all
Speaker 1: on a spectrum. I do believe that, and um, there
Speaker 1: was a time in my life where, I mean it
Speaker 1: was a time in my life where that those days,
Speaker 1: it's one that long Agos two thirteen, like I was
Speaker 1: more on that side of the spectrum. I questioned it
Speaker 1: more I started, I caught I caught myself being more
Speaker 1: like that guy, you know, like being more could be
Speaker 1: more casually exploredive with their sexuality like women are. But
Speaker 1: it's that notion of like good. I don't know what
Speaker 1: the funk it even is anymore. But if I had
Speaker 1: my face in many a puss, yeah, I'm not by
Speaker 1: I don't even think I'm buy, but I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is this is fun? Yeah, I mean like I just yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's different and it's also like it's also like
Speaker 1: I say this, I also say this on stage because
Speaker 1: I'll talk about it from time time. Given if the
Speaker 1: audience isn't sucking seven sheets to the fucking wind ship
Speaker 1: faced where they can't understand where they they have no
Speaker 1: they have no concept for abstract I understand talk about no. Look,
Speaker 1: women and men are the same dating. Let's discuss that.
Speaker 1: That needs to be discussed and uh right away, right
Speaker 1: away where the fund is up with go and those
Speaker 1: are like all people can understand wh they're drunk. That's
Speaker 1: why certain comedy clubs you go to and it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: these are all interchangeable comedians, you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: but anyway, point being, um, I feel like I'm more
Speaker 1: secure in my heterosexuality because I did that, yeah right,
Speaker 1: Whereas like you when guys like what, I don't need
Speaker 1: to ever do that coote thing, It's like, if you
Speaker 1: react like that, it's because you want to do it
Speaker 1: so bad urious And it was like the situation arose,
Speaker 1: but it was seriously like you know, I'll spa I
Speaker 1: won't name names because it's people know it, but it
Speaker 1: was someone at the time it was it was someone, yes,
Speaker 1: it was it was someone I in comedy, but not
Speaker 1: as they weren't a comedian um. And it was just
Speaker 1: like a after a party, like I caught myself specific right,
Speaker 1: I caught myself being flirtatious and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's so fun, interesting, interesting, And then it was like
Speaker 1: the then it was clear it was clear as day
Speaker 1: that they were into me, and it was clear as
Speaker 1: day that it was like I could leave with them
Speaker 1: right now, and it was that person. It was like, man,
Speaker 1: you know what, like if I don't do this, what's
Speaker 1: gonna happen? I'm gona hang out at this party. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get drunk, but it's going to be on my
Speaker 1: mind and I'm gonna always fucking wonder or I do it?
Speaker 1: What's the worst case scenario. I'm completely disgusted by it,
Speaker 1: and I don't go through it. You do it? And now, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I wake up tomorrow morning being like, well cool, I'm gay,
Speaker 1: or by or up a whole new world. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: what happened? I mean we did everything except anal penetrate,
Speaker 1: uh my own finger, but just for fun. No, I've
Speaker 1: never No, I've never. I didn't know. So did you
Speaker 1: you gave your ciprocal blowjobs and stuff? Yes? Okay, that's
Speaker 1: so fun. I had to know. I had to know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And did you just like innately know how to give
Speaker 1: a blowjob for receiving them? See that's what made me
Speaker 1: nervous about going down to a girl, because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I have one, I should Yeah, I didn't. I have
Speaker 1: an idea of how to eat someone out. I can
Speaker 1: say that. Um. A few things surprised me about another
Speaker 1: person's penis. One. Um, First of all, the size, I
Speaker 1: was like Jesus, it was a massive, massive, where I
Speaker 1: was like God, where I was immediately like like, but
Speaker 1: by that point we both were both new and I
Speaker 1: was just sort of like, I don't I feel dumb,
Speaker 1: but not in a bad way, um because I'm also
Speaker 1: like I'm not. I've been over that for fucking my
Speaker 1: entire I got over like the penis size condrum way
Speaker 1: fucking early. Like, I get it. Some women need a
Speaker 1: fucking you know, twelve inches of cold hard steel inside
Speaker 1: of them. But and and and and you know what,
Speaker 1: if that's what they need, you were never gonna vibe
Speaker 1: with them anyway. But like, for the most part, if
Speaker 1: you understand how to fuck, which I understand how to fuck,
Speaker 1: you could it doesn't matter it really. You may not
Speaker 1: make them or you may not make them squirt, but
Speaker 1: you'll figure something out. Well, the average vagina is only
Speaker 1: deep anyway, so everything else is like why are we
Speaker 1: even here? Well, there's also like men don't realize that,
Speaker 1: you know, girth is important, but also like overall shape
Speaker 1: of a dick. Okay, that's like if you have every
Speaker 1: which right, but if you're dicks, like if a guy's
Speaker 1: got sucking eight inches, but it's a fucking paper thing.
Speaker 1: If it's super thin, which is like a giant bell
Speaker 1: end head, it's like you're not gonna you're not really
Speaker 1: gonna please, or if it's like a big you know,
Speaker 1: it's like it's some guys have like big dick, but
Speaker 1: like flat. There's so many ways a huge dick couldn't
Speaker 1: do nothing for a woman, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And there's so many ways that like a fucking tinier
Speaker 1: dick could do everything just based on the shape of it. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean, I know a lot of women who some
Speaker 1: women who have boyfriends whose dicks are too big that
Speaker 1: they cannot have penetrative sex. My girlfriend told me because
Speaker 1: she when we met, she was she was she was
Speaker 1: a player, she was playing the field. She was also
Speaker 1: she was like seeing like other guys at the time,
Speaker 1: and like she kind of dumped them all and she's
Speaker 1: starting me. But we had that conversation of like, well,
Speaker 1: you know, when was the west time he had sex
Speaker 1: sort of thing, and she told me that she was
Speaker 1: like this guy was like the last guy I was
Speaker 1: seeing was super cool, but like I just couldn't I
Speaker 1: couldn't suck him. It was like that sucks, it hurts,
Speaker 1: and I feel bad for those guys whose dicks are
Speaker 1: so huge that like women are like yeah, and you
Speaker 1: run away and you're like, oh what, I want him
Speaker 1: to sex. But that was so like when when presented
Speaker 1: with the opportunity to give head, it was one of
Speaker 1: those like I gotta know what this, Yeah, I have
Speaker 1: to for me. It was there was all all right,
Speaker 1: I didn't foresee the saliva situation. All right. That was
Speaker 1: a completely like oh man, there's like there's not enough.
Speaker 1: It's okay, it around the thing here, yeah, exactly like
Speaker 1: all troops to the front, you know. Yeah, I get
Speaker 1: now how hard it is to keep teeth out of
Speaker 1: the scenario, because that was that was a big thing.
Speaker 1: Things was like, oh man, this is like fucking difficult,
Speaker 1: and you don't want to put cover and with your
Speaker 1: lips because then you look like an elderly person with
Speaker 1: no teeth and it's just distracting. Well yeah, and also
Speaker 1: yeah that and also like like rhythm rhythm, it's it's
Speaker 1: almost like you're mimicking fucking like it's like the consistency
Speaker 1: is the most like towards the end, Like in my experience,
Speaker 1: you have to keep the specifically like inconsistently that it's
Speaker 1: hard because you just get tired and you're like but
Speaker 1: like I did it now, No he didn't. I that
Speaker 1: was like for me, it was like I can't go
Speaker 1: this far. Not just that. To me, it just feels
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe I'm not ready. I don't know
Speaker 1: it was but I was like, but he also wasn't
Speaker 1: in a position to come or I don't think he
Speaker 1: was like because he knew because I was like, I've
Speaker 1: never been with a man before. Oh he was probably
Speaker 1: so ampt right. I straight up was like, this is
Speaker 1: my first. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, but he like then
Speaker 1: what was my point there? Oh? So um? Then I
Speaker 1: will say the only I mean if he if he
Speaker 1: hears this and figures out that I'm talking about him, sorry,
Speaker 1: but the one the one thing I will say was like,
Speaker 1: the one qualm I would add was that the receipt,
Speaker 1: like the blow job from a man, which you would
Speaker 1: I was expecting to be like mind boggling, was not.
Speaker 1: What's difference. I think it's because you're not gay. Yeah, true, maybe,
Speaker 1: but in that moment, I was like, really, like I
Speaker 1: wanted a job from a gay guy. Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: still think that you're when no matter what you were
Speaker 1: like thinking, it's still like your body is going to
Speaker 1: speak for you in that moment, I really think, because
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know. I were the physical sent
Speaker 1: a lot of time with gay guys and I heard
Speaker 1: those blowjobs are right, I guess like it was. It
Speaker 1: just didn't um, it could just be not good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's possible. It's basically just it like it just was
Speaker 1: like too fast, too fast, too fast, um and too
Speaker 1: if I if I'm if I'm being real specific and remembering,
Speaker 1: and I do too fast and not enough suction. Ah yeah,
Speaker 1: just sort of like sometimes I forget that you gotta
Speaker 1: suck and you're a sensual guy, So like maybe that's
Speaker 1: why you like a slower blow job that's interesting that
Speaker 1: you yes, and a slow one that initiates and then
Speaker 1: eventually gets going and then slows back down and get yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because there's a way. I mean, like I certainly like
Speaker 1: a manic blowjob is something I don't. It's not something
Speaker 1: I can see someone enjoying that I don't. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's the same guy like when people like pound you
Speaker 1: rapidly like a jack check, when you're like, I don't,
Speaker 1: that's it's my I'm actually have seasickness now. It's too
Speaker 1: much that's why. That's why, that's why I like side note.
Speaker 1: I generally like you know, as a younger man. No,
Speaker 1: but now like but in the past, I don't. I
Speaker 1: never really got into oral sex with someone unless I
Speaker 1: knew they were into me or that they really wanted
Speaker 1: to do it, because bad sex is one thing to me,
Speaker 1: but bad oral sex is far worse. Have you gotten
Speaker 1: bad blows? What is a bad? What is what have
Speaker 1: been your experience of that for me? For me? Bad
Speaker 1: for me? Lack of speed and lack of suction like
Speaker 1: from him, but also like too hands em that's a
Speaker 1: big wait, what do you mean? Like, I don't the
Speaker 1: James doesn't like any fun in hands. I don't like
Speaker 1: I gotta put my hands, I gotta I gotta put
Speaker 1: my hands, but my back like I's not kind of
Speaker 1: like double Dare show. I was going to say, like
Speaker 1: a prisoner, it is a learned skill. Wait, a lot
Speaker 1: of hands on your dick when you're getting I would say,
Speaker 1: like that, Yeah, it's very dark back now though, I
Speaker 1: am fucking not balanced. Yeah, so I learned that tries
Speaker 1: to come before you fall over, before fall down, and
Speaker 1: also it's hard to balance yourself on a bed, Like
Speaker 1: that's not firm, Like what do you do? Wait? Wait
Speaker 1: what no hands allowed? No hands on? No hands for
Speaker 1: you shan not no hands in Harlem. I don't like
Speaker 1: hands in like a strokey situation. Now where do you
Speaker 1: want the hands? I mean there are other places where
Speaker 1: do you like the hands on your balls? I don't
Speaker 1: really have a preference, to be honest, like just not
Speaker 1: on the dick. Just I don't like if you're going
Speaker 1: to perform a blowjob, you use your your mouth needs
Speaker 1: to be the fucking It's not a hand job. It's
Speaker 1: not a hand job. And I don't like the I'm
Speaker 1: just not into like the I was never into like
Speaker 1: the mostly hand job with a little lick. I've done
Speaker 1: that so many times. Society has tried to make it
Speaker 1: trendy because we're living in a feminist society and sometimes
Speaker 1: you need to break but sure, sure, I never I
Speaker 1: hate hand jobs women. I'm against women giving hand job
Speaker 1: Like you do it. You're damn self, you're better at it.
Speaker 1: We all know. I'm not going to do some hacky ass,
Speaker 1: shitty hand job and pretend like I'm not doing a
Speaker 1: bad job exactly. Well that's how that's that is how
Speaker 1: the gig experience ended with with mutual hand jobs? All right, bye,
Speaker 1: did you like sit Indian style facing each other? Like
Speaker 1: would you like laying next one? Oh? Yeah? Yeah? Wait
Speaker 1: just wait you so you were just giving yourself a
Speaker 1: hand job next to him or giving him a giving
Speaker 1: it was a combination of them. Okay, interesting, um, but
Speaker 1: like then it was just like over and then it
Speaker 1: was like right, all right, all right, I'm gonna go yeah,
Speaker 1: and it was cool and then like I've seen him
Speaker 1: a couple of how are things that? How's the aftermath?
Speaker 1: Totally fine? Because like I just don't I guess, I
Speaker 1: don't know. It's to me, it's not that fucking crazy
Speaker 1: of a thing. And also not the people I have
Speaker 1: told about it, who freak out? Um, who get weird?
Speaker 1: Because I mean, I'm so excited that you're just down.
Speaker 1: You just don't exploring if you don't like something. I mean,
Speaker 1: I have two very close friends of mine who I
Speaker 1: told at the same time, uh who, and one of
Speaker 1: them reacted in a very like yeah, the same way
Speaker 1: I'm reacting okay, And the other one was real weird
Speaker 1: out was real like but he was really they were
Speaker 1: both men though, yeah, and it was completely unexpected because
Speaker 1: they're both I would never peg out of one of them.
Speaker 1: It was like close, mind, but exactly. But it was
Speaker 1: just really like couldn't believe that I had performed a blowjob?
Speaker 1: Like I understand like getting one, but I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: how do you like? How could you not not like
Speaker 1: why he would be like that? Though, just because even
Speaker 1: when you told us, I was like, oh, really, let's
Speaker 1: talk about that. And it's it's a surprise to me,
Speaker 1: but just more of a pleasant one of like thank you,
Speaker 1: Like it's just nice to hear about men who are
Speaker 1: just so comfortable with themselves at the fucking experiment. I'll
Speaker 1: say like this, and I'm not, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to make it seem like. Let me this is a disclaimer.
Speaker 1: I do not intend for this to fucking come across
Speaker 1: like I'm saying gay sex is some sort of scientific experiment.
Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying. But for me, seriously, the
Speaker 1: whole time it was happening, I equate it to how
Speaker 1: like a scientist feels when they're dissecting an animal for
Speaker 1: or like, or a botanist or like or like. Is
Speaker 1: that because you have that same anatomy or that same
Speaker 1: sort of like or like or like, how okay a
Speaker 1: medical student when when when digging through a cadaver, right,
Speaker 1: they don't fucking love the fact that they're fucking around
Speaker 1: in a dead body, but they're curious. But they're curious
Speaker 1: and they're learning something, yes, and at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, they're not going to leave that going oh gross,
Speaker 1: I can't believe I just fondled. You know. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: went in there knowing what you wanted, and it was like,
Speaker 1: I want to learn. I want to really experience what
Speaker 1: it's like to do this, and afterwards, I it's not
Speaker 1: for me. I don't really ever see myself doing it again.
Speaker 1: Am I ruling it out entirely now? Yeah, because circumstances.
Speaker 1: I mean obviously that evening to the circumstances aligned, however,
Speaker 1: like I don't, I don't actively seek out fucking dude,
Speaker 1: I've I've had opportunity since then, there's been moments you're
Speaker 1: very wanted by the gay community. Like I said, no, no,
Speaker 1: but you know what I mean, Like you you know
Speaker 1: you're you've had that opportunity where you're like, oh this, oh,
Speaker 1: and I've done it at times. But it's just and
Speaker 1: it wasn't just a wow, I don't know it was.
Speaker 1: It was I totally get it. It was purely I
Speaker 1: am curious and I just want to know. And then
Speaker 1: and then like we like Steven and I we're on
Speaker 1: this like three way up for a little bit, were
Speaker 1: not anymore. But uh it got to the point where
Speaker 1: you know, I would uh scroll past people's profile pictures
Speaker 1: and they were just someone who was older and a
Speaker 1: different body type, and I'm like, I wonder what they're
Speaker 1: like to have sex with. And I'm just curious. And
Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with my vagina going you
Speaker 1: need that dick or anything like that. It's just like, oh,
Speaker 1: this kind of sounds fine. I mean everyone, I don't know,
Speaker 1: there needs to come a time where and it'll this
Speaker 1: is it will never happen, especially I mean this administration
Speaker 1: setting this whole idea back fucking centuries. But only three
Speaker 1: three point seven more years guy, um like until he's
Speaker 1: at office, maybe sooner, but uh we're all alive, maybe longer.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't trust America anymore. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I feel like it's a It's one of those like
Speaker 1: part of me thinks it's necessary that we are here.
Speaker 1: But but and it's all about the outcome. Now. Is
Speaker 1: it either like okay, now we're stuck here for a
Speaker 1: long time, or is it like all right, whoops, funked
Speaker 1: up real bad. You gotta earn that back, you gotta
Speaker 1: hit rock bottom before you can kind of like exactly,
Speaker 1: but like the the whole like if if we could
Speaker 1: everyone just accept like that, that's it isn't about. Yes,
Speaker 1: some people are predominantly homosexual, some people are predominantly heterosexual,
Speaker 1: but all of us exist on a sliding scale, and
Speaker 1: some people may never do a thing about it. Some
Speaker 1: people may just you know, once or twice, once or
Speaker 1: twice a year, drunkenly jerk off to gay porn, sure
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, And that's their big thing.
Speaker 1: That's they're like, that's their thing. Some people like me
Speaker 1: might get out there. Some people might be flown bisexual.
Speaker 1: Some you know, it doesn't but but it's such a
Speaker 1: thing of like why the fuck does it honestly matter? Well,
Speaker 1: here's why it doesn't. But people treat it like it
Speaker 1: does because the shame around sex. Like I was watching
Speaker 1: a documentary on terrorists and they were talking about all
Speaker 1: this terrorist rhetoric of people exploring, you know, converting people
Speaker 1: to terrorism activities through YouTube videos. I'm like, they have
Speaker 1: terrorists conversion videos on YouTube, but you can't have sex
Speaker 1: on YouTube. And I'm like, how the funk? Like that's
Speaker 1: so weird, and like the sex is so stigmatized for
Speaker 1: so many different from religions, from parents, But all you
Speaker 1: have to do to stigmatize it. If my friend Sally goes,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I fucked Troy last night like you did,
Speaker 1: and then I just did something to her to make
Speaker 1: her feel weird. Depending on how she feels about herself,
Speaker 1: she's either gonna go, we'll fuck you or like, wait,
Speaker 1: what do you think that's bad? And these little moments
Speaker 1: in people's lives, so I think that they're ex making
Speaker 1: that they're projecting that onto other people when they criticize. Indeed,
Speaker 1: it's also part of it's also part of like I
Speaker 1: mean bigger thing, but it's also part of the whole,
Speaker 1: like idea of control, Like is that no heterosexual marriage
Speaker 1: families Like yeah, grandkids, Like it's a pattern any world leader,
Speaker 1: the majority of the country they lead to follow so
Speaker 1: that they stay controlled, yes, so that there is not
Speaker 1: free thoughts, so that there is not not I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to say everything is a system, it's a machine.
Speaker 1: Things you're gonna like, we are such a fucking, you know,
Speaker 1: consumer based society, like you look at now with all
Speaker 1: the team, like people they look at how it they
Speaker 1: consume as markers for their personality, like people be like,
Speaker 1: oh I love broad City, because what they're really saying is,
Speaker 1: oh no, I'm open minded and him you know, and
Speaker 1: it's like right, it's like and it's it's but how
Speaker 1: do you get to that point by consumer becoming a
Speaker 1: consumer through its healthy heterosexual relationships home children now boom,
Speaker 1: and it's sex is kind of the key of it.
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm saying. Like I follow a ton
Speaker 1: of conservative journalists on Twitter more than I follow liberal journalists.
Speaker 1: I followed ton because they like to fucking know what
Speaker 1: they're up to. John ronson appro Yeah, those write yourself
Speaker 1: at a bubble. And let me just say like some
Speaker 1: of them there aren't not all right wing journalists are
Speaker 1: crazy their point, but there are some that are like
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, like they just I mean, first of all, yes, Jesus,
Speaker 1: but secondly, like they can't like for them It's like
Speaker 1: the idea of a non male or female bathroom for
Speaker 1: transgender people is just like it's appalling, and I don't
Speaker 1: want some dude and address jerking off to my daughter.
Speaker 1: It's like, when is that ever? Actually, like, how many
Speaker 1: times has that ever actually happen? It's it's that a
Speaker 1: four year old girls walked in and there's been a
Speaker 1: guy dressed like a woman, like, come here, a little girl,
Speaker 1: help me wipe my pussy. Wait, that's a deadtch it well,
Speaker 1: there are there are exactly zero percent incidents there, that's
Speaker 1: the statistic. But I mean, like places like Union hall Um,
Speaker 1: they've had all gender bathrooms forever and then they've never
Speaker 1: it's blown before it was ever, it's never been a thing.
Speaker 1: And I just went in and I go, oh cool,
Speaker 1: this is a bathroom where everyone's allowed. And I never
Speaker 1: thought anything of it. Long before this transgender thing was
Speaker 1: a huge conversation. And I also say something about I
Speaker 1: mean and this this was before it was average conversation.
Speaker 1: Do you know how Yes, it was the first place
Speaker 1: I ever went into it. It was like, oh, like
Speaker 1: and what I what I also love about transgender bathrooms
Speaker 1: And this is a far lighter note I transgender unisexual
Speaker 1: bathroom far lighter note is it humanizes everyone in the bar? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. You're all in there playing
Speaker 1: field like you if you and like the two a
Speaker 1: man and a woman coming at the same time and
Speaker 1: someone just took a ship and no one knew it
Speaker 1: or it's that hot lady Night had just taken it down.
Speaker 1: But but also like what does she think I just
Speaker 1: took the dumb did I just And it's like you
Speaker 1: just humanizes everyone to where when you're back up in
Speaker 1: the non bathroom world, no one's really being an asshole
Speaker 1: because like I saw you come out of the bathrooms
Speaker 1: and you didn't wash your hands, and we both know
Speaker 1: that and we can't. We women can't go on our
Speaker 1: secret space and like put on more lips to your
Speaker 1: leg and you gotta just do it out. I know,
Speaker 1: you gotta put your face paint on in front of
Speaker 1: don't like an emergency phone call to a friend out
Speaker 1: guys end with the conservative thing. It's like, well, when
Speaker 1: Mike Penson was talking about how he doesn't have dinner,
Speaker 1: he doesn't meet alone with other women or have dinner
Speaker 1: alone with other women except his wife, did you hear
Speaker 1: about this, and and some people like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's so I'm like, fuck you. If I want to
Speaker 1: talk to Pence about some like lost ship and I
Speaker 1: want to say, let's go off for a steak and
Speaker 1: I want to discuss these things, Oh you can't go
Speaker 1: out with me because you just can't control your dick.
Speaker 1: But to me, what that says is, men, you're cheating
Speaker 1: on your wife so hard. So was he trying to
Speaker 1: imply that because he has his wife with him so
Speaker 1: that he does not exactly and he never has dinner
Speaker 1: alone with another woman. That's saying I'm a man who
Speaker 1: can't control myself. But to me, that says like, how
Speaker 1: how can we expect you to control the country if
Speaker 1: you can't even control You're sick, you're fucking dick. And
Speaker 1: to me that also says like, you, bro, you're cheating
Speaker 1: on her so hard. That tells me that he did
Speaker 1: that he had as before and now he's something like that,
Speaker 1: something with in fidelity or just straight up just straight
Speaker 1: up you can't. You're you said it's I'm a child.
Speaker 1: You can't. You really seriously just can't be around another
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm not trying to fuck. Well, now
Speaker 1: your life didn't even ask for that, he just started doing.
Speaker 1: Perhaps he's gay, because that's like anytime someone does like this,
Speaker 1: like big machismo, like like I'm just so straight that
Speaker 1: my dick can't even be alone with a woman, it's like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: you're actually closeted homosexual. Yeah yeah, yeah, or just or
Speaker 1: that's why you want to get conversion. Delusional, fucking delusional.
Speaker 1: No one wants to fuck you, you think to get
Speaker 1: that dick, like, they just want to talk policy. And
Speaker 1: it's so it's it's really sad, it's really stupid because
Speaker 1: delusional people are horrifying. How do you get into the country.
Speaker 1: You can't, you can't. That's that's the worst part is
Speaker 1: that like I don't think you can't, and I don't
Speaker 1: think they'll ever. These people are so sexually repressed and
Speaker 1: so in the closet or so under the so religiously
Speaker 1: believing that it's wrong. They'll never change, They'll never It's
Speaker 1: it's sad. I try to change him with love sometimes,
Speaker 1: but I'm like that approach never works. That's why, like
Speaker 1: we just sometimes in movies, in movie exactly with love,
Speaker 1: the movie love works, you know, on the youth. But
Speaker 1: you know, this is fun. We can try, but there
Speaker 1: was only a way to like, like like if there
Speaker 1: was a way that you could if like if your
Speaker 1: superpower was like I can just make people orgasm without
Speaker 1: its like without with eye contact, and then you just
Speaker 1: walked around everywhere? But then how much peace could you
Speaker 1: make walking around just being like listen to me. I
Speaker 1: see now you're gonna listen to me. Don't errupt me.
Speaker 1: I'll do it again. Boom. I'm gonna keep making you
Speaker 1: come until you listen. So how nice that is? That's
Speaker 1: so nice? Falling think about it, like other people just
Speaker 1: want to experience that in their own way. Everyone needs
Speaker 1: or and wants to be loved or appreciated or at
Speaker 1: least be hurt. And I feel like with those delusion
Speaker 1: people that I label as delusional, but they're passionate about something.
Speaker 1: They feel strongly about something, and I want to know
Speaker 1: what that is. Yeah, well you know it's Have you
Speaker 1: ever had any like conservative people on here talking about
Speaker 1: come on here and talk about sex um? Conservative, yes,
Speaker 1: but not people who directly oppose us. I like talking
Speaker 1: to people who we disagree. We try to get the
Speaker 1: mom they don't want to get We've been trying to
Speaker 1: get some people on. They don't want to come to
Speaker 1: a lot of come on, so they probably just don't
Speaker 1: have the facts to really back up their statement. I
Speaker 1: think it's the problem. And also the joke is we're
Speaker 1: not going to attack them anyway. That's not the I'm
Speaker 1: just our mom. Just one. Where you come from? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Where you come from? Yeah? Where do you come from?
Speaker 1: You come? Would you come into onto? I don't know
Speaker 1: where can we find you online? My website is me
Speaker 1: Sean Patton dot com. Um, there is a fucking website
Speaker 1: out there called I am Sean Patton dot com. And
Speaker 1: I would like to say that is not me. It
Speaker 1: is some fucking younk you ink who has my share
Speaker 1: has that name? I don't think it's your name. What's
Speaker 1: his career field? It's a stand up comedy advice column.
Speaker 1: Oh that's fun. It is not me. Maybe he got
Speaker 1: into it because of you, or he hates me and
Speaker 1: wants to suck me. I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1: But whoever you are, don't go see Sean Patton. It
Speaker 1: just doesn't doesn't have anything to do with you. Maybe not,
Speaker 1: but I've said this on numerous podcasts. If you're listening
Speaker 1: to fucking respond to my email, shut just change the
Speaker 1: goddamn website. Like it actually affects me because people think
Speaker 1: I guess and people like hit me up on Facebook like, hey,
Speaker 1: we've been trying to get in touch with you for
Speaker 1: a year now the book you want to Okay, So
Speaker 1: my website is M E S E A N P
Speaker 1: A T d O N ME Sean Patton dot com. Um,
Speaker 1: you know you can see me tour. You can his
Speaker 1: album on Spotify at that you can? Can you buy it?
Speaker 1: I think so? I saw I watched the south By
Speaker 1: Southwest special on it was on showtime or that's come
Speaker 1: out recently. Yeah, you're so thank you, thank you are
Speaker 1: so good. You were the last one and I was
Speaker 1: like feeling can follow you good call putting your last
Speaker 1: thanks that was fun. We filmed that last year. Um Twitter,
Speaker 1: Twitter's uh m r Mr Sean Patton perfect. But yeah
Speaker 1: you can watch videos and all that ship I'm there.
Speaker 1: I like how you just really trying to push the
Speaker 1: free stuff. I'm like, I don't know, buy a ticket
Speaker 1: or something. I don't just enjoy it, stay in your
Speaker 1: apartment and laugh and I'm going, uh, and and if
Speaker 1: and if you're I'm going to Edinburgh this year. Oh,
Speaker 1: we have a lot of people, so Scott perfect. Well,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for telling us a lot of
Speaker 1: interesting stories. I hope you opened some people's minds. I hope,
Speaker 1: I hope and shut some doors. No that guy, Yeah,
Speaker 1: then suck you back. Yeah, suck your door, Suck those people.
Speaker 1: This has been guys. We fuck the anti slutching podcast.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you spread at mover. I think I
Speaker 1: lost my mind again. One must say bad. It's fine again,
Speaker 1: triuntil we are not blind, and then one must sleep bad.
Speaker 1: It's time again. I think I lost my mind again.
Speaker 1: One must sit bad. It's fine again, turn until we
Speaker 1: are not finding. Then one must sleep bad. It's tide again.
Speaker 1: I want away out Jick John and stay out. I
Speaker 1: want aware, Jick John, stay out, stay putting down. Thanks
Speaker 1: so much, guys, We fuck listeners. Today's show with sonswered
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Speaker 1: therapy should be affordable, confidential, that's key, and convenient. A
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