Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys we Guys We Booked.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina, I'm Correnn. We're sorry about last night, the
Speaker 1: anti slut shaming podcast. I never stopped. Yo fucker's Welcome
Speaker 1: to another episode of Guys We Fuck. It's the anti
Speaker 1: slut chaming podcast. I'm Karen, I'm Christina, and today's episode
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Speaker 1: I was just watching Alfred jump on top of uh
Speaker 1: this trust and then get his uh tub of treats
Speaker 1: for himself. Now he's gonna he's too freaking smart. It's
Speaker 1: very annoying. When he gets older, he's probably gonna hump
Speaker 1: that it's not a wolf, it's a it's a coyote.
Speaker 1: Coyote every time I get wrong, But I would totally
Speaker 1: like try and have sex with that coyote if I
Speaker 1: were Alfred. Yeah, I don't know. I think that's a female,
Speaker 1: so that would be possible. Yeah, he doesn't. Does a
Speaker 1: dead stuffed coyote smell like a like have sense? Uh No,
Speaker 1: he can tell it's an animal because he wants to
Speaker 1: play with it, but he it has this sense of
Speaker 1: taxidermy because it was because it's preserved. He doesn't have
Speaker 1: that animal smell. Yeah, the fur mite. I don't know
Speaker 1: about the fur but like the innerds, certainly don't come
Speaker 1: see us a live. Yeah, if you're around. Tonight Friday,
Speaker 1: April Wendy's Starling and I are doing Glamoro Plus at
Speaker 1: seven pm zinc our ticket link if they're still available
Speaker 1: in the description of this podcast. And then tomorrow night,
Speaker 1: Saturday April nine, it's Nacho Bitches a PM at New
Speaker 1: York Comedy Club that's hosted as always by Blair Saki
Speaker 1: and myself. Please use code Nacho for ten dollar tickets.
Speaker 1: And then Sunday Night Big Weekend ten pm. The Comedian
Speaker 1: Project is happening in Manhattan at this stand, which is
Speaker 1: on Third Avenue. Very rarely happens in Manhattan, so come
Speaker 1: and check that out. Uh, No code necessary, just by
Speaker 1: tickets on the website. They're pretty cheap and it's fun.
Speaker 1: Las Vegas, Nevada. We're gonna be Inside of You Thursday,
Speaker 1: May Tea through Saturday. The Crapshoot Comedy Festival, Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Speaker 1: Thursday June one, We're gonna be at the Women's Club,
Speaker 1: but men are allowed. Milwaukee. How you doing? Friday June second,
Speaker 1: We're gonna be in You at the PEPs Theater, Chicago,
Speaker 1: Saturday June three at Talia Hall for seven pm and
Speaker 1: ten pm shows. Bears uh and Now is a lot
Speaker 1: of people's favorite part of podcast. I'm not sure if
Speaker 1: you heard. If What Weeds did write a book. It's
Speaker 1: called Being Sexually Explorative and Self Confident in a World
Speaker 1: That's Screwed. Comes out October. Some people pre ordered it
Speaker 1: and those people are about to get fay. Oh, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. A Sophie Stickler, Lindsay Weissman, Tracy Brown,
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Speaker 1: Thank you, Hey, we appreciate your purchases. You guys, we've
Speaker 1: been on tour. M hmmm, and boy, oh boy, you
Speaker 1: know it must be. I tweeted about this because I'm like,
Speaker 1: you're a kid just so animalistically horny that you're hitting
Speaker 1: on anything with a penis attached to it. Uh yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean sometimes, not not rarely, because I just don't
Speaker 1: like that many people. Well, I guess it's me opulating.
Speaker 1: I gotta get one of those period tracker things now
Speaker 1: that I'm not on birth control Saget like you know,
Speaker 1: came track on my mind from a lion hole. Um,
Speaker 1: also those so I could tell what I'm opulating, because
Speaker 1: apparently I think that's what's happening. We were in Moontower
Speaker 1: in Austin, Texas. You were very horny comics. To thank you,
Speaker 1: I paid. We went to a strip club one night
Speaker 1: with red band Yellow Rose. Shout out. Those girls are great. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much to Aspen and Monica for giving our
Speaker 1: friend Josh's first care in bottom lap dance. And then
Speaker 1: I bottom lap dance and I'm like, this is fun. Yeah.
Speaker 1: He was so happy. He wasn't He was a changed
Speaker 1: man the next day and he was so polite. And
Speaker 1: then one of the time the stripper was like grab
Speaker 1: my titty. Yeah, like grab her titties. It was very
Speaker 1: satisfying to be next to a thirty one year old
Speaker 1: man who's never got a laugh dance as he gets
Speaker 1: titties in his face. For the first time some money.
Speaker 1: It's like seeing a fawn walk. Yeah, it was beautiful,
Speaker 1: you know. Um. And then I paid for Dan Sodor
Speaker 1: to come shout a strip club because we need we
Speaker 1: use names. Oh, I don't care. He's a comic. If
Speaker 1: people don't. Yeah, and I'll see he's very cute. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's so cute. And then but like what am I doing?
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm like, oh, you should come to trip club.
Speaker 1: He's like, I don't know, I might hang out with
Speaker 1: these people. I'm like okay, and then he's like I
Speaker 1: think I might go, but I need to get there.
Speaker 1: I'm like a car's on its way. I paid for
Speaker 1: it already, t power move. It's fun, you know if
Speaker 1: you have thirty he loved. He did leave, yes, but
Speaker 1: he didn't have to stay. Nopeuse I wasn't being being
Speaker 1: one of those asshole dudes. They're like, well, I paid
Speaker 1: for you to get here, so you will be my confident.
Speaker 1: He got there, but then you guys weren't talking, and
Speaker 1: I know, well, no, I was trying to talk to him.
Speaker 1: But then I was like, titties, you know, I also
Speaker 1: just want I'm I wasn't trying to helok up with him,
Speaker 1: but I just thought que wanted to be around him. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so stupid. And then I was messaging Twitter, messaging Coln
Speaker 1: quinn come to this trip club. We're at the strip club.
Speaker 1: It's like, I must sleep. Shut up. I was flirting
Speaker 1: with a squar brother who was not flirting back with me.
Speaker 1: Looking back on it, Randy, Yeah, poor Randy. I was
Speaker 1: being so I was being so aggressive. I was being
Speaker 1: He seems amused by it. He was, But I feel
Speaker 1: bad because I hate when guys do that. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I was doing it. I gotta say. It's not the
Speaker 1: same thing, though, Why it isn't. It's not. It isn't
Speaker 1: because when a guy's out of control, horny, which is
Speaker 1: like most guys most of the time, you're like, get away. Well,
Speaker 1: the differences has been a lot of people explain it's like,
Speaker 1: you know, uh, women feel actually like threatened by aggressive
Speaker 1: men because we can actually like I feel, but I
Speaker 1: feel annoyed. I don't. I truly don't feel in the
Speaker 1: core of my being threatened unless the guy looks like
Speaker 1: he's gonna kill me, in which case, yeah, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: a little alarmed. I mean, there's been time I think
Speaker 1: it might be also that the types of people who
Speaker 1: hit on me besides compared to the types of people
Speaker 1: who hit on you. But I mean I certainly have
Speaker 1: felt like threatened, not that someone was going to like
Speaker 1: kidnap me and rape me, but just to the point
Speaker 1: where it's too intense and it feels uncomfortable, like this
Speaker 1: is not a joke. Row, I can tell that your
Speaker 1: basic your masculinity is riding on whether or not I'll
Speaker 1: hook up with you, And now it feels uncomfortable for everybody.
Speaker 1: And now I'm just Now, now I'm worried about if
Speaker 1: I reject you, what you're gonna do? Well no, no,
Speaker 1: now not only the is the answer no, Now I'm angry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: on top of it, on top of the answer being no,
Speaker 1: I now hate you as a human because like people
Speaker 1: have hit on me before and I wasn't interested in
Speaker 1: hooking up with them, but I was certainly like thought
Speaker 1: it was like amusing, like thankful, you know, or flattering,
Speaker 1: like you know, I'm not a lesbian. When a woman
Speaker 1: hits on me, I find it's very nice, it's flattering.
Speaker 1: I love a woman hit on me way more than
Speaker 1: woman hit on me. Yeah. God, there was a couple
Speaker 1: of a day, a couple of weeks ago. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: in Harlem, when just like I got hit on by
Speaker 1: like soeveral women, like, um, I was just wearing like
Speaker 1: tight gets from American apparel. I think I don't know.
Speaker 1: But I also I don't know. I get hit hit
Speaker 1: on by black women a lot because lucky, I think
Speaker 1: I have that my Harlem style has rubbed the Harlem
Speaker 1: style has rubbed off on me. I think I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean I do own like a lot of weird
Speaker 1: like baby fat jackets and like shoes you do actually
Speaker 1: and hoop ear rings. Yeah, but I like it because
Speaker 1: number one, I like to address like I am Puerto Rican, right,
Speaker 1: it makes me kind of cool, well because I do
Speaker 1: pass for it a lot, and then I get excited
Speaker 1: and I'm like, yeah, let's let's go on with this.
Speaker 1: And then also a lot of times like the style
Speaker 1: up here is kind of like a throwback nineties by
Speaker 1: which is my favorite way to dress anyway. And then
Speaker 1: baby fatchene just they mean they fit me better and
Speaker 1: they fit your fat ass in a great way. And
Speaker 1: also I have sighs too, so and need different kind
Speaker 1: of genes. Same. I hear you and then all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, you're doing stand up and then you realize
Speaker 1: their corres the way through your flies down and everyone's
Speaker 1: like I was waiting for you to know, was really
Speaker 1: just tell me ow huge yell o else yeah, well um,
Speaker 1: and then Alfred went to the vet for the first
Speaker 1: time today, My son Alfred a k my dog, so handsome,
Speaker 1: and he got two shots and his anal glands emptied.
Speaker 1: Don't you hate that guy? We gotta get your anal
Speaker 1: glands up. And his ear was a little yeasty, so
Speaker 1: it's like a yeast infection button in his ear. And
Speaker 1: then uh, he didn't like that process. So right as
Speaker 1: we're paying that reception, he took a ship on the floor.
Speaker 1: Never been more proud, never felt more bonded to another
Speaker 1: living thing. Hey boo boo, I see you. I told
Speaker 1: you wish he was gonna get away with that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean. And also like no one was phased. They
Speaker 1: still thought he was cute. And I was like, can
Speaker 1: you imagine if I left, like the doctor's office and
Speaker 1: was like, you're like that exam sucked and he shot
Speaker 1: on the floor. I was like, I was uncomfortable during
Speaker 1: that paps mare. You were a gentle enough doc. He said, no,
Speaker 1: thank you, Oh god, that was not on the floor.
Speaker 1: Floor floor boy, ever ship on the floor. But I
Speaker 1: have showed my pants before. I've never shown the floor pants,
Speaker 1: not as an adult. No, I haven't fully shipped my pants.
Speaker 1: Well wait, have you a little bit ship your pants?
Speaker 1: Because I have a little bit shipped. I mean I've
Speaker 1: gotten like a little uh what is it called sharted? No,
Speaker 1: there's like a not track not tracked marks that's strong No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: tired mark tire tracks. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven't.
Speaker 1: I've gotten that happens a light a light amount of
Speaker 1: that on it. But I've never Yeah, I haven't like
Speaker 1: fully ship. Like a lot of times, like comics have
Speaker 1: all these stories about how they fully shipped their pants.
Speaker 1: They had to go to the restroom and like throw
Speaker 1: their underwear away. I'm like, when is it? Where is
Speaker 1: this happening? It's happening when you really bank on it
Speaker 1: being a fart. Oh. I think also because you're all
Speaker 1: I have a strong way to the corner so where
Speaker 1: no one can hear you. And then you're like, I
Speaker 1: was wrong. Oh I'm yeah, I'm very wary of farts. Uh,
Speaker 1: parading as it's very chuckling high. It's like, which one
Speaker 1: are you going to be? Um? But I have peede
Speaker 1: Um in a janitor's closet in a nightclub. Pete on
Speaker 1: the Florida Brady's Pierce concert. Yeah, summer. No, you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to and it's not I'm not condoning it.
Speaker 1: It's not my proudest moment, but you know what, I
Speaker 1: don't have a problem with it. I think I was
Speaker 1: outside smoking distagret. I took a took an Instagram video
Speaker 1: of it with you couldn't see his face, so I
Speaker 1: saw that it was like eight eight at night and
Speaker 1: there was just a guy right in front of me
Speaker 1: on the sidewalk just pissing for like two minutes, like
Speaker 1: he really had to go. But I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't care. You couldn't see his queen. He is relatively
Speaker 1: clean if it's in the street. I mean, I mean,
Speaker 1: I you know, I wouldn't say go inside a nightclub,
Speaker 1: but like I went to the janitor's closet because there
Speaker 1: was like it was like the closet there and I
Speaker 1: think I tried there was like a drain because it
Speaker 1: usually a janitor club has a drain in the center,
Speaker 1: tried to be in the train. Then no one's clean anything,
Speaker 1: but I mean it was it was so long, and
Speaker 1: I was like, it's either it's either the floor, my pants.
Speaker 1: Places that are that I probably won't say. I won't
Speaker 1: even say yeah because New York. Yeah, oh, I've done
Speaker 1: that on the corner. I've Peter Penn State my first
Speaker 1: year Penn State. All I was pissed outside right. Well.
Speaker 1: My favorite time is like one day I was like
Speaker 1: literally one block away from my house, but it was
Speaker 1: it was I knew I couldn't make it the one
Speaker 1: block and I was just like, I'm just gonna pee
Speaker 1: in my pants. And then you're, yeah, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: home soon enough anyway, So you pissed your pants. I
Speaker 1: just literally stood on the corner. I had a pee.
Speaker 1: I couldn't hold it anymore time. Yeah. Girls gonna say
Speaker 1: you could duck in between cars. No, I just like
Speaker 1: honestly didn't care. At a certain point. Remember when I
Speaker 1: pulled over the side of the highway in l A
Speaker 1: to pay that was risky. I've made a cab stop
Speaker 1: so I could pee on the street on the way
Speaker 1: to uh fuck whatever. Jason or whatever his name was.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, Jason, I'm pretty sure. Yeah no, I mean,
Speaker 1: what's of his last name? I can't even remember. My
Speaker 1: mind's leaving me. Not Jason's sides, no side sides, but
Speaker 1: Jason Born. No, that's a guy. This is sad. What
Speaker 1: is wrong with you? I forgot it? Jason fucking Jason tall,
Speaker 1: handsome Jason. Oh my god, Burke like that's me. I'm
Speaker 1: uncomfortable now with yourself. Yeah, why how can I forget that?
Speaker 1: The name even goes well together? Your sister listens to
Speaker 1: the podcast, Hey girl, Hey girl folk Joe bro girl.
Speaker 1: He's a very nice man. Yeah no, he's super super cute.
Speaker 1: And that was that was such a fun Guys Who
Speaker 1: Sucked interview because it was like hours after you guys fucked. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I was visibly uncomfortable. Yeah yeah yeah, And I was like,
Speaker 1: let's just go face face dive in. Oh man, you
Speaker 1: know what's not comfortable on or what is comfortable on?
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Speaker 1: even if you're not staring it. I mean there's I
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Speaker 1: join the movement. Nice. Nice, Nice, I'm really trying to
Speaker 1: incorporate some voices uh into my head reading. Um, okay,
Speaker 1: let's read some emails. If you want to send us
Speaker 1: an email sorry about last night show gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: This subject of this email is I got an STD
Speaker 1: and I hate myself, girl, do not. I love the podcast.
Speaker 1: You guys are amazing. I love your open discussions about
Speaker 1: all things sex and relationship related. I guess I'll start here.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty five. I have a lot of personal issues.
Speaker 1: I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as an adult.
Speaker 1: I also have been seeing a therapist on and offer
Speaker 1: my body dysmorphia UH since I was twelve. I like
Speaker 1: to think I have a pretty good handle on it all,
Speaker 1: but there have been a lot of moments of weakness
Speaker 1: where I can can't help but hate myself so extremely
Speaker 1: and the darkness in my mind is so overwhelming, to
Speaker 1: a point where I've once tried to take my own life.
Speaker 1: There was a turning point for me, and I really
Speaker 1: have been doing better and dealing with the stress, anxiety,
Speaker 1: and self love. I think the dislike I have had
Speaker 1: for myself as the reason why I've chosen guys I
Speaker 1: the guys I do. I've basically been in a long
Speaker 1: term relationship since I was sixteen, in long term relationships
Speaker 1: plural since I was sixteen, all abuse of both emotionally
Speaker 1: and physically, almost all with some sort of drug and
Speaker 1: alcohol addiction. I've always been the girl who puts others
Speaker 1: needs before her own, even when all the awful things
Speaker 1: were happening in my relationships. I broke up with my
Speaker 1: last boyfriend about six months ago. I talked to myself
Speaker 1: into thinking that I deserve to have my selfish slash
Speaker 1: slut phase and just do whatever UH do and funk
Speaker 1: whomever I want, much like all my exes did. I
Speaker 1: had a fun buddy for a few months, and long
Speaker 1: story short, I ended up with chlamydia. I got it
Speaker 1: treated and got to check up, and I'm clear now.
Speaker 1: But I can't help but hate myself so badly for
Speaker 1: getting myself into a situation where this could happen. I
Speaker 1: loved fucking this guy. It was amazing sex, no emotional
Speaker 1: connection whatsoever. I love being selfish and doing something I wanted.
Speaker 1: Am I insane for hating myself for catching something yes,
Speaker 1: I realized I was a fucking dumbass for not wearing
Speaker 1: a condom. But I don't know why I feel so
Speaker 1: shameful for this. It's made me feel lesser than and
Speaker 1: question whether or not I should have stayed with my
Speaker 1: last X because this wouldn't have ever happened if I stayed.
Speaker 1: What I feel myself slipping back into a dark place
Speaker 1: where my self loathing towering over my self love. I
Speaker 1: would love to know your guys thoughts on this. Any
Speaker 1: advice would be really appreciated. What. No, you're using this
Speaker 1: as an excuse to hate yourself. You're I think you're
Speaker 1: using the STD thing as an excuse to hate yourself.
Speaker 1: Clamydia is one of the most common st d s,
Speaker 1: at least in America, according to the CDC. Because I
Speaker 1: looked up some stats before reading this, Um, so many
Speaker 1: people have STDs. You could catch them if you didn't
Speaker 1: wear a condom. Wear a fucking condom next time, um,
Speaker 1: because that's a big way to prevent getting an STD.
Speaker 1: It's not full proof by any means. But stop hating yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean bad news. It's like you don't hate yourself
Speaker 1: because the the S do You've hated yourself all along,
Speaker 1: and we can see that through the actions by being
Speaker 1: in these staying in these emotionally and physically abuse of
Speaker 1: relationships like you. Definitely, I'm so glad that you talked
Speaker 1: yourself into breaking up with your ex boyfriend. And I'm
Speaker 1: that you enjoyed the sex that you had with this
Speaker 1: person that I was amazing, And yeah, you know, you
Speaker 1: should have worn a condom and you didn't and you
Speaker 1: got clamidia and now you don't have it. Honestly, I
Speaker 1: would just being really feel really lucky that all I
Speaker 1: got was clamidia. It could have been so much worse,
Speaker 1: No big deal. Yeah, it could have been an unintended pregnancy.
Speaker 1: It could have it could have been exactly so. So
Speaker 1: mistakes and regrets are there. So you go, Okay, why
Speaker 1: why didn't I like what happened? Okay, I got clamidia?
Speaker 1: Why I didn't wear a condom? That was probably a
Speaker 1: big reason. Next time, I'm gonna wear a condom or
Speaker 1: or you have to make it you or you have
Speaker 1: to both get tested, uh and say that I'm only
Speaker 1: gonna have sex with that person. But there has to
Speaker 1: be a level of trust. There. There is an alarmingly
Speaker 1: large amount of emails that we get from women in specifically,
Speaker 1: and I know men hate themselves too. There, it's not
Speaker 1: like men are incapable of feeling unconscious. Almost everyone, according
Speaker 1: to this podcast Jesus Christ, why you guys, You guys,
Speaker 1: look at the fucking mirror and love yourself, God damn it.
Speaker 1: And if you don't figure out to be logical about it, don't.
Speaker 1: Don't fucking succumb to these bullshit society bullshit things that
Speaker 1: you It's like when I told that story on the
Speaker 1: podcast of when I was in fourth grade and I
Speaker 1: witnessed a woman feel terrible about saying her weight, so
Speaker 1: I learned, Okay, women aren't. Women are supposed to feel
Speaker 1: bad about their weight. And then in fourth grade we
Speaker 1: did a project and I weighed like seventy six pounds
Speaker 1: or some ship, and I cried and I covered it
Speaker 1: up and I wouldn't let the teacher see it. I
Speaker 1: was being a fucking dumbass, and I was learning. I
Speaker 1: thought that it was you were supposed to feel self
Speaker 1: conscious about that You're not turns out, So I really
Speaker 1: think that all of this fucking self loathing is truly
Speaker 1: you are capable through possibly therapy through I don't know
Speaker 1: what other methods, but you're capable of overcoming that. Too
Speaker 1: many people fucking hate themselves and it's blows my mind,
Speaker 1: blows my mind. We just we just told you all
Speaker 1: something that maybe we should have felt ashamed about, which
Speaker 1: was pissing in public posts. So I didn't even know
Speaker 1: what it was, and we didn't even get I didn't
Speaker 1: give a I mean, you know, be self aware and
Speaker 1: don't be like rude to other people's property. Of course, yeah,
Speaker 1: don't property damage. That's mean, that's rude. But if you
Speaker 1: do do it, give yourself a talk and do and
Speaker 1: don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes. That's the
Speaker 1: point of being in your twenties is making mistakes and
Speaker 1: then learning from them so you grow up and you
Speaker 1: better yourself and you don't hate yourself. If the world
Speaker 1: is fulled with people who hate themselves, were doomed. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think the thing is that everyone takes these cues,
Speaker 1: uh for how to feel about themselves from other people.
Speaker 1: Don't What you have to remember is those other people
Speaker 1: also hate themselves, so everything is getting skewed. You should
Speaker 1: know how you feel about you should only be that's
Speaker 1: that decision is made by you and you alone. It
Speaker 1: shouldn't be made by the people around you. And I
Speaker 1: mean I'm talking like I talk about this a lot
Speaker 1: in the book. Not you really know what. I'm so
Speaker 1: glad you do. I go into it at length because
Speaker 1: it's like, I mean, it's been bothering me for three years,
Speaker 1: Like I truly feel sometimes like the weight of all
Speaker 1: your guys is insecurity, Like I feel it on my
Speaker 1: shoulders because I can't imagine going through life, um feeling
Speaker 1: the way that a lot of people who write and
Speaker 1: feel like, no wonder you're having a difficult time because
Speaker 1: number one step and having a better time in life
Speaker 1: is loving and accepting yourself. And if you suck, that's fine,
Speaker 1: but you can fix that, you can make adjustments. You
Speaker 1: might be a huge piece of ship right now. Good news,
Speaker 1: sir or madam. You can change that. Yeah, it's self awareness.
Speaker 1: Get to know yourself, do things for you, do things
Speaker 1: you know, don't be irresponsible and just be like a
Speaker 1: funk I want, but like, do things follow your fucking heart.
Speaker 1: God damn it. No, I mean current, you've always loved yourself.
Speaker 1: I kind of realized that I have control of overloving
Speaker 1: myself and other people don't. In my early twenties and
Speaker 1: ever since then, I'm I'm I fucking rule and I
Speaker 1: suck sometimes too, but that's okay. Yeah. The only person
Speaker 1: who I ever like, whose opinion I ever really care
Speaker 1: about is my own. Like, sometimes I'm disappointed in myself,
Speaker 1: but I mean that's just a personal relationship between me
Speaker 1: and myself. It's not it's not anyone else. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: people whose real opinions I take into account, but at
Speaker 1: the end, like I have full decision over my feelings. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So this to this person who wrote in, I think
Speaker 1: you made the amazingly right choice of getting out of
Speaker 1: a relationship and taking some of your time, especially being
Speaker 1: in these long term relationship sixteen And it makes me
Speaker 1: upset that I feel like this, this STD seems to
Speaker 1: have like thrown a wrench in this process, like in
Speaker 1: the right direction that you were going. It's such a
Speaker 1: tiny ass. Don't let it, Yeah, don't let it. Don't.
Speaker 1: You should be proud of yourself for kind of ending
Speaker 1: that cycle. That's that's a step in self love. Okay,
Speaker 1: and then move forward, maybe you'll funk up again and
Speaker 1: date somebody who is abusive again. But then okay, remind yourself,
Speaker 1: I can get out of this and I can love
Speaker 1: myself moren't just sucking people just And then no condom
Speaker 1: thing also makes sense because if you're someone who's been
Speaker 1: continuously in relationships, you probably were not using econom in
Speaker 1: those relationships, which is more you know, normal, But you
Speaker 1: have to realize, Yeah, so the perks, there are perks
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, like not always having to
Speaker 1: use a condom, but the non perks it would be uh,
Speaker 1: you know, being emotionally and physically abused, so that would
Speaker 1: be yeah. Yeah, so now you're so now you can
Speaker 1: sun whoever you want, but you just have to use
Speaker 1: a condoms. So I think that's a small price to pay.
Speaker 1: You know, I use condoms all the time. Not still
Speaker 1: not a big problem. Um, all right, so this next
Speaker 1: subject line is s os, I've been dignitized and I
Speaker 1: can't break out of Hey, fuckers, I just started listening
Speaker 1: to your podcast a few months ago, and you guys
Speaker 1: literally changed my life. Like I'm already a really loud
Speaker 1: and outspoken Jersey girl. Oh that's why this I connected
Speaker 1: to this email, but hearing you guys talk so openly
Speaker 1: about sex and relationships and being yourself has really given
Speaker 1: me a lot of self confidence. I've been contemplating whether
Speaker 1: to write you or not since this is kind of
Speaker 1: a ridiculous situation, but I really need some advice to
Speaker 1: address the subject line. Dicknotize equals when the dicks so
Speaker 1: good you're hypnotized and can't break free. That's where I
Speaker 1: am right now, totally dicknotized. Oh girl, I've been hooking
Speaker 1: up with the same dude since we graduated college. That's
Speaker 1: three years. This may the only reason I know the
Speaker 1: exact date is because he's reminded me of how long
Speaker 1: we've been doing this. We used to work together at
Speaker 1: the same bar, and before we started hooking up, we
Speaker 1: were really great friends. We would watch shitty movies together,
Speaker 1: smoke weed, go to the beach. In general. We had
Speaker 1: a really great time just enjoying each other's company and
Speaker 1: spending time together and making each other laugh. Then one night,
Speaker 1: right before we graduated, we got really drunk and fucked,
Speaker 1: and holy shit, it was amazing. He didn't leave my
Speaker 1: house for almost a week After the first time, we've
Speaker 1: been fucking ever since. The thing is, since then, we've
Speaker 1: never gone on a date, never hung out with each
Speaker 1: other's friends, even though we have a lot of the
Speaker 1: same friend group, nobody having sex with each other. Never
Speaker 1: hung out outside our houses since we started sleeping together.
Speaker 1: You never met each other's families. But we've just been
Speaker 1: fucking for three years. It's been going on this long
Speaker 1: because it's literally the best sex either one of us
Speaker 1: has ever had, and that's something we tell each other regularly.
Speaker 1: We've done it all, two threesomes, toys, made a sex stape,
Speaker 1: you name it, and we've probably done it. We have
Speaker 1: no boundaries which with each other, and it's amazing. We
Speaker 1: tell each other that we love having sex with each other.
Speaker 1: He tells me how much he loves what I do
Speaker 1: to him. The word love is always around. But he
Speaker 1: has always shielded away from having a conversation about potentially
Speaker 1: taking this to a relationship level. So I decided to
Speaker 1: try and have the conversation. So recently we were hanging out,
Speaker 1: we had just had sex, and we were both really
Speaker 1: fucked up, and I wondered, always the perfect time for
Speaker 1: a serious conference, you know what? And I wondered out loud,
Speaker 1: how this had never gone anywhere? I how and the
Speaker 1: funk could we connect on such a sexual level and
Speaker 1: fulfill each other's deepest desires, but not go out for
Speaker 1: pizza and a beer. This dude just sat there, totally silent,
Speaker 1: said absolutely nothing, and I started to cry. It was
Speaker 1: a mess. I gathered all my ship and left cried
Speaker 1: the whole uber home, like, seriously pathetic and embarrassing. No,
Speaker 1: it's not been there but in a lift. Uh, and
Speaker 1: didn't know what I had done to make him want
Speaker 1: me after three fucking make him not want me after
Speaker 1: three fucking years. Trust me, I know it's not me now,
Speaker 1: because when we talked the next day, he told me
Speaker 1: he knew that over time, a normal person is supposed
Speaker 1: to develop feelings for someone, but she he just wasn't
Speaker 1: there yet after three years. He just needed some more time. No,
Speaker 1: are you kidding me? I told all my friends and
Speaker 1: they said they've always known he was a piece of
Speaker 1: ship who only used me for sex, and then I
Speaker 1: should move on and forget him. But I can't. All right,
Speaker 1: I mean, he's not necessarily a piece of ship because
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to date you. I was sucking Danny
Speaker 1: Palmer for a long time. I had no interest in
Speaker 1: dating dating him. Shout out. Uh, you're such a piece.
Speaker 1: We're just doing a lot of shout outs of full names,
Speaker 1: full name for comic state. He's a great person. It's
Speaker 1: not from me. There's a lot of history. They're more
Speaker 1: than just the crazy, amazing sex stuff my friends know about.
Speaker 1: I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my friend too,
Speaker 1: and I know he's still somewhere stuck inside this fuck boy.
Speaker 1: And a few weeks ago he booty called me and
Speaker 1: I went over. Literally all of my friends hate this guy.
Speaker 1: I'm worried that if that, if I I can't find oh,
Speaker 1: I can't like what whene are we on, I can't
Speaker 1: find a way to undignitize myself, my friends will lose
Speaker 1: respect for me. I know the obvious answer here, because
Speaker 1: I've heard it from literally all of my friends. Lead
Speaker 1: his number and stop sucking him. But how do I
Speaker 1: do that. I'm generally a very strong person, but I'm
Speaker 1: so fucking weak for him. Please please help me. Take
Speaker 1: your phone. You go to boy I've been for three
Speaker 1: years ago, delete yeah, and then you stuff Well. I mean,
Speaker 1: the thing is, I don't necessarily I'm confused. I don't
Speaker 1: think I feel like you, just I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure that you even have feelings exactly. I don't think.
Speaker 1: I think one day, at three years in, she goes, huh,
Speaker 1: is it weird that we don't have feelings for each other?
Speaker 1: And then when she brought it up and he said no,
Speaker 1: there was rejection for the first time ever in that relationship.
Speaker 1: But the relationship is fun buddies, and I feel like
Speaker 1: she was happy with that until I feel like you
Speaker 1: kind of just like, like the constraints of time and
Speaker 1: society kind of get in the way and you you
Speaker 1: looked at your calendar and you're like, oh, holy sh it,
Speaker 1: this has been three years. Or when he mentioned it
Speaker 1: to you, Hey, we've been doing this for three years,
Speaker 1: you kind of got obsessed with the time. And then
Speaker 1: I thought that there needed to be more. But it
Speaker 1: doesn't seem like there needed to be more. I mean,
Speaker 1: I've had lots of great fuck buddies who I enjoyed
Speaker 1: friendship with, who we would watch movies in the house.
Speaker 1: We really wouldn't go out. I mean a couple of
Speaker 1: times I went out to dinner with some fun buddies. Um,
Speaker 1: I mean that's just because I had money, though, Um,
Speaker 1: But well, I mean, I was like, I would love
Speaker 1: a nice Indian dinner, Shane. You, um, but yeah, I
Speaker 1: think you're you're getting caught up in like all this stuff.
Speaker 1: Your friend is saying, Hey, he's not a piece of ship.
Speaker 1: Friends are so friends and us as women and men
Speaker 1: are so are so quick to say when someone is
Speaker 1: not does not feel the same way that we feel
Speaker 1: about them about us, you're a piece of ship. No,
Speaker 1: that doesn't make a piece of ship. We don't like
Speaker 1: you like that. Yeah, that's okay, there's no you know,
Speaker 1: if he had led you on or something, that could
Speaker 1: be a piece of Funny men men usually don't do them.
Speaker 1: I feel like men when they make a romantic advance
Speaker 1: at a woman and the woman rejects him, they just
Speaker 1: get kind of like bummed out, MOPI and women are
Speaker 1: like you fuckinghole. Well, I mean that's only don't you
Speaker 1: like me? I don't. I've done it. But men are
Speaker 1: used to being rejected. That's why that is. Rejection is
Speaker 1: a huge part of being a heterosexual man. It is
Speaker 1: it just reminds me. It's just consistent, whereas a woman
Speaker 1: were like kind of like, you know, in a way
Speaker 1: that's about on me, right, So it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: there is inequality, and that's why I don't think mentioned
Speaker 1: the doors for women. Every fucking time a woman tries
Speaker 1: to walk through a door, I'm like, it's not I
Speaker 1: can hold it by myself. But I really think that
Speaker 1: these some of the manners are just putting women up
Speaker 1: on this precious little pedestal to the point where it's
Speaker 1: getting to our goddamn heads. And the second we get rejected,
Speaker 1: we're like, wait, what but what? Yeah? But who's holding
Speaker 1: doors all the time? It doesn't happen at all. I mean,
Speaker 1: have you ever been with a guy. I've been with guys,
Speaker 1: not even on a date, but like every time I
Speaker 1: got to walk through a goddamn doorhill like sprint in
Speaker 1: front of me to open, I'm like, yo, those people
Speaker 1: are usually like like a little slimy bow, those aren't.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've but within reason exactly, but I think
Speaker 1: people should hold the door for one another, no matter
Speaker 1: what exactly, I hold the door for women or and men, yeah,
Speaker 1: me too, absolutely we rule. I mean, you should just
Speaker 1: be holding the door because it's sucking polite. You don't
Speaker 1: need to go out of your way and run in
Speaker 1: front of somebody to hold the door that you mean
Speaker 1: not it's a little ridiculous. Uh yeah, so I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: you got you got in your own head and you
Speaker 1: don't need to leave his number. But you you have
Speaker 1: to realize, like why were you hurt? Why were you
Speaker 1: crying in that car home? Was it just because of rejection,
Speaker 1: just because of your your pride was injured? That does suck.
Speaker 1: I've cried because of just my bride. Yeah, Or did
Speaker 1: you truly have feelings and you and you finally realized it,
Speaker 1: because I mean, I can't, we don't know you, but
Speaker 1: it seems to us that everything was going just fine.
Speaker 1: I mean maybe you know you're just at a point
Speaker 1: in your life when you need to move on. All
Speaker 1: all good things must come to an end, as saying goes,
Speaker 1: So I mean, yeah, you can't be fun buddies forever.
Speaker 1: But you can't. I mean, if you want a relationship
Speaker 1: or if you wanted to kind of like build a
Speaker 1: future with somebody, yeah, you're gonna have to put the
Speaker 1: kabash on this, uh at one point. But if that's
Speaker 1: not something that you're even looking for, you're being sexually satisfied,
Speaker 1: it's safe, it's with a friend. Then who the fun
Speaker 1: care cares and let's just stop calling people pieces of
Speaker 1: ship because they don't like us. And also funk boy
Speaker 1: is overused. I'm done with that. Well. I never I
Speaker 1: was never on board because first I didn't know what
Speaker 1: it meant, and then I did and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I get a but I just don't like it's like
Speaker 1: the yes Queen. I'm like, just please stop side. Yeah.
Speaker 1: It was in the same jar as like by Felicia,
Speaker 1: Yes queen, what are you talking to? Speaking lush? I
Speaker 1: don't know what people a lot of stuff. It's not
Speaker 1: even I'm just I'm just like old yes queen was
Speaker 1: a gay term that straight people right, right right, So
Speaker 1: I mean just anything fun to sleep to the gay people. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you're just messing it up. Um alright, So on
Speaker 1: that note, we're gonna now welcome our awesome guest. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: This episode was recorded live it Austin, Texas at the
Speaker 1: Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Um. This guest gets drunk on
Speaker 1: the internet and complains about ship as the co host
Speaker 1: of Wine about It. Please welcome mad Betside. There's nothing,
Speaker 1: there's nothing I wonder move shine a side, side, call
Speaker 1: up the dogs and come to me, call off the
Speaker 1: dogs and come on on, come on, o my, come
Speaker 1: out of the dogs and come on to me. To
Speaker 1: call the dogs and come on home to me. There's
Speaker 1: nothing not I move the mountain, sell you there's nothing. Evening,
Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen, please please welcome Corrin Fish and Christina Hudgenson,
Speaker 1: the co host of Guys. We Welcome to Guys. We
Speaker 1: Fucked Guys. We Guys we Bo. I'm Christina, I'm Corren.
Speaker 1: We're sorry about last night the anti sluck shaming podcast.
Speaker 1: I never stopped. Hi. Hi, that was Colin. That was
Speaker 1: Colin Quinn. Than convinced Colin Quinn to do that, So
Speaker 1: it's really him. What's up? Yeah, we getting thanks. We're
Speaker 1: gonna have fun. We're gonna talk about did you I
Speaker 1: write stuff you wanted to complain about that has to
Speaker 1: do with sex standing in relationships? Okay, good, good, good good. Um.
Speaker 1: So for the big top of the show, let's do
Speaker 1: what we usually do with emails, but we'll do with
Speaker 1: one of you. Guys. Is there anybody in here that
Speaker 1: needs advice that wants to come up on stage and
Speaker 1: ask us? You both are pointing out your pointing at
Speaker 1: each other. But that's not gonna work. We're gonna make
Speaker 1: you both come us to be Their consent is important
Speaker 1: in this part. The woman next to you is like, no,
Speaker 1: that woman's like do you know? Do you know them?
Speaker 1: Or are you just dreading that you're sitting next to him.
Speaker 1: You've been talking, You've met, but not by choice. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Do you want to come up? Did you raise your hand? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Come up? Come on, just guy, whatever you can bring
Speaker 1: you and I bring my drink. Yes, of course, I
Speaker 1: got my Long Island iced tea. I'm just drinking a
Speaker 1: cup of vodka. That was my order, and that because
Speaker 1: I thought of adding a mixer, and I was like,
Speaker 1: why we don't? So is the spacey? What's your name? Lane? Hi? Lane?
Speaker 1: How you doing? God? I'm nervous now. I wanted you
Speaker 1: to fall a little bit, but you didn't. It was like,
Speaker 1: you know, because it looked like you were gonna miss
Speaker 1: I practice this all night long, all nine. What's your
Speaker 1: what's your couple of? Is that giant cup of wine
Speaker 1: every night? Always? Is that your problem? What's your problem?
Speaker 1: What's what? Do you need advice on? Wow? You're just
Speaker 1: you go girl, No, just take your time It's not
Speaker 1: like we only have a tight hour. I'm dating a
Speaker 1: guy that might be an A A. Well, I mean
Speaker 1: it takes one and no one. Uh right, Well, I
Speaker 1: mean it's they're doing a great job with the second A.
Speaker 1: So what's the second a anonymous? Come, I'm at a
Speaker 1: comedy festival trying to showcase my talents. Jesus Christ. So
Speaker 1: how why what makes you think that? Because he told
Speaker 1: me so you know he's an a A. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: what's the problem he's working on bettering himself? Oh? You
Speaker 1: were being coy? Okay? How do I tell him? I
Speaker 1: have a bottle of wine at night and I'm not
Speaker 1: in a Should you be? Do you want to be? No?
Speaker 1: Should you be? Do your friends say you should be?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not? Because they joined me? Well, how about your mom?
Speaker 1: Is your mom like Lane girl? My dreaming habits from
Speaker 1: my mom? Jesus, there's no one. I don't because I
Speaker 1: don't know if you have a problem based off of this.
Speaker 1: I mean I could say, yes, but you're at a show,
Speaker 1: your having fun, but it doesn't seem like a special
Speaker 1: occasion for wine for you. I'm nervous. How am I
Speaker 1: supposed to have sex with them? Sober? If I'm wine
Speaker 1: drunk and he's sober, well help you be sober too.
Speaker 1: You could both be sober. You don't like having sex sober? Wow,
Speaker 1: you need to have better sex then, But how have
Speaker 1: you been How long have you been dating that he
Speaker 1: doesn't know that you drink this much. I've known you
Speaker 1: for two minutes and we know. Do you keep your
Speaker 1: wine in like the cabinet in your bathroom? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: no no, it wouldn't fit. Don't be silly, Christina. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I got the big bottles. I'm sorry? What is it
Speaker 1: only airport bottles? I work for a nonprofit. I'm on
Speaker 1: a financial budget, so I buy those big jugs, you know,
Speaker 1: like the extra any time I walk into someone's house
Speaker 1: and they have that really the chode bottle, I go
Speaker 1: bot showed bottle. Her mom's had that bottle, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I do need to rescue you. We need
Speaker 1: to get you out of here. I'll save you out
Speaker 1: from the chode of wine. Um ge Okay, So the
Speaker 1: problem is restate the problem exactly. I'm getting a little
Speaker 1: lost me now. I was playing you in that scenario.
Speaker 1: You don't know you don't you don't know it. You
Speaker 1: should or how to tell him that you drink live
Speaker 1: broadcast right now, but don't be broadcast eventually but whatever, No,
Speaker 1: it's it's not broadcasting right now. But will it be
Speaker 1: released to the many followers we have? Yes? Absolutely, what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, he's an a A I have a bottle
Speaker 1: of wine at night. We knew all that. I don't know,
Speaker 1: but I asked her to repeat. Okay, okay, and then
Speaker 1: you don't know you should tell him or should you?
Speaker 1: That's your question? And then also, how are we going
Speaker 1: to have like good sex? All right? So that's an
Speaker 1: issue that you're that you gotta work on. What what what?
Speaker 1: What do you think of the idea of not having
Speaker 1: a bottle of wine a night? Boring? Is he good
Speaker 1: in bed? I don't know. They haven't had sun? Okay? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you can have sex sober is fun? Possibly? I mean,
Speaker 1: how did it, like, out of all the people in Austin,
Speaker 1: how did that guy not walk into your bar or
Speaker 1: whatever the saying would be, you know, Tinder Tinder? Okay,
Speaker 1: but I mean, did he did it say in his
Speaker 1: profile that he's sober? No? Okay, but he's going to
Speaker 1: a so you're assuming he's sober? Yeah, yeah, did you
Speaker 1: ask him if he's sober? I mean, that'll be pretty
Speaker 1: ship if he's going to a A and he's not sober,
Speaker 1: because that's like it. But my profile clearly says I
Speaker 1: drink a bottle of wine all night, like enjoy wine,
Speaker 1: enjoy right, Well, you don't put that if you don't
Speaker 1: drink at least a bottle all night? Right? Why no, okay,
Speaker 1: what do you got? I mean, I just why are
Speaker 1: we even starting this relationship? It's not obviously there's two
Speaker 1: things like it's either gonna I mean, and it's some
Speaker 1: kind of like a drunk driving accident or don't do
Speaker 1: that or second choices. It's going to be like breaking
Speaker 1: bad when little the little drug addict influences the other
Speaker 1: drug addict and then you're gonna show one day Dan's
Speaker 1: in a a. The next day he's fucking moving in
Speaker 1: with you with your bottles of wine, and he's like, hey, funk,
Speaker 1: I don't need to get better, So maybe it's not
Speaker 1: I need to end it then, But he's six five
Speaker 1: and beautiful. You gotta only six foot five person in
Speaker 1: this world. It's like, what's more important to you? This?
Speaker 1: A bottle of wine a night or love wine. Your friend,
Speaker 1: oh my friend spoken jess Wine. That good. I don't
Speaker 1: even like one. Jesus Christ is that No, I'm going
Speaker 1: so much. I can never have Taco Bell again, or
Speaker 1: I can find true love. I mean I would just
Speaker 1: stick with the talco about okay, alright, not even don't
Speaker 1: even have to think about it. Someone else has to
Speaker 1: be dating someone in a here. No. I mean it's
Speaker 1: a situation that's happening around the world, but not in
Speaker 1: this room exactly. We've already walked two people. All right,
Speaker 1: all right, well yeah that's not gonna alright, you know
Speaker 1: what to do. I'll be back next year and you'all
Speaker 1: better be here, and I'm going to tell you my
Speaker 1: story about what happened. I can't wait. We might not
Speaker 1: be invited back, honestly, thank you so much. Give a
Speaker 1: round of applause. Thank you. Yeah, we have time for
Speaker 1: one more and before we bring our guests on, who
Speaker 1: was like the most interesting? Okay, I need someone to
Speaker 1: raise their hand on their own because it's all friends
Speaker 1: pointing at other people. All Right, you pick. Uh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go with this guy, which I never do. But
Speaker 1: you die, yes, come up here like you're literally raising
Speaker 1: your hands. Then have problems to get up here, sir?
Speaker 1: You see it. You're nice enough, So I'm already regretting it.
Speaker 1: Why are you regretting it? Because I saw his shoes? Oh?
Speaker 1: Where are your socks? Where are your socks at home? Oh?
Speaker 1: Your feegals angry? Right now? What's your name? I'm Joe, Hi,
Speaker 1: Joe Hi? What's your problem? Um? So they wanted me
Speaker 1: to come up here and say this. I think I
Speaker 1: don't think it's too much of a problem. Well we'll see.
Speaker 1: But so, I mean, I worked pretty long hours and
Speaker 1: so I'm I'm still trying to find somebody that I
Speaker 1: like to date and everything. Um so I'm trying, you know,
Speaker 1: to work the bumble sphere. Um, but it is. I've
Speaker 1: gotten zero hits. Can you call it the bumble sphere?
Speaker 1: That's probably why. That's exactly I mean. Just second it
Speaker 1: left your mouth, I'm like, that's a problem. Stop calling
Speaker 1: it that, dude, not on bumble? What are your how
Speaker 1: many pictures do you have a bumble? Do you have
Speaker 1: your phone on? You give me it? Yeah? Oh no,
Speaker 1: So I've had my friend my gal pals um work
Speaker 1: and your gal pals in love with you? I don't
Speaker 1: think so. Okay, I'm just making sure a lot of
Speaker 1: the words you use you need to not use anymore,
Speaker 1: my gal pal, there you go. Alright. His first picture
Speaker 1: is you with a full golf attire but with like
Speaker 1: those smash mouth sunglasses with the white rims. That's gotta go.
Speaker 1: What are you doing? That's gotta go, Joe, Oh wow.
Speaker 1: And then this one, you're on a tree and you're
Speaker 1: holding a beer bottle where I would think a rect
Speaker 1: penis would go. But I don't think you're doing that
Speaker 1: on purpose. But I know he's using a tree like
Speaker 1: a hammock and he's on the tree like he's like, okay,
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ. Really, guys have no clue how they look
Speaker 1: in photos. Um, I don't even know how you want
Speaker 1: to describe this one. I mean, it looks like he
Speaker 1: like someone scored a point at a basketball game. And
Speaker 1: then he's laughing. I mean, or he's taking a big
Speaker 1: old dumb but it's happy about it because he's been
Speaker 1: clostipated for a long time. Okay, this one is half
Speaker 1: of his face, but it's also the mountains and sunshine
Speaker 1: in the background. Yeah, I mean, there always has to
Speaker 1: be one to let us know that you're not in
Speaker 1: a base of these sunglasses have got to go? Do
Speaker 1: you have two photos with these sunglasses? I wouldn't wear
Speaker 1: those if I was skiing, Yeah, I wouldn't wear these.
Speaker 1: What you do with I was in a hail storm
Speaker 1: and my eyes depending on it? Cycling sunglasses, cycling something,
Speaker 1: But you're not on a cycle in either of the
Speaker 1: pictures in which you're wearing them. You're golfing and then
Speaker 1: you're wearing a wait wait, why does this say certified
Speaker 1: whine o? I found your life? Oh my god? Uh duh?
Speaker 1: Because nice? What do you? What do you? Yeah? You
Speaker 1: guys should go out later? What's your number? Um? Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, I mean oh wait, oh well now I'm
Speaker 1: looking at girls. Okay. I mean you definitely just have
Speaker 1: to redo this profile. It's a troian you guys do it? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean ship to do. But like, yeah, it's so
Speaker 1: bad that I will stay after the show and redo
Speaker 1: it for you. Yeah yeah, because I mean, look the
Speaker 1: golf thing, okay, yeah, but the hammock thing. It's just
Speaker 1: it's all the sunglasses, make too many cameos, and you
Speaker 1: seem nice and you're cute. What's your occupation. I'm an architect. Great, Okay,
Speaker 1: oh my god, that's hottest. Fuck, that's a good one. Also,
Speaker 1: I just noticed something. And every single one of these
Speaker 1: pictures you're either wearing some glasses or going like this
Speaker 1: squinting your eyes. But your eyes. We want to see
Speaker 1: your eyes, Joe. Women, women want to see your eyes.
Speaker 1: We could tell a lot about you from looking in
Speaker 1: your eyes. Yeah, I could tell you're You're better than this, Joe,
Speaker 1: you better than this. Yeah. Have your girlfriends looked through
Speaker 1: your Facebook profile and get some like nice pictures like
Speaker 1: where you're like laughing and having fun and being that's
Speaker 1: what I look like laughing, maybe not laughing, then maybe
Speaker 1: like um and just wearing the profile that I do
Speaker 1: like to laugh but then in parentheses, not pictures not Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: see there you go. Problem solved. I will I will
Speaker 1: if you, I will reado it for you. Yeah. I'm
Speaker 1: very good at stuff like that. She's really good. Yeah
Speaker 1: I can do I mean I would never do that,
Speaker 1: like date online, but I'm great at helping other people
Speaker 1: to do it. Got good eye, all right, all right,
Speaker 1: so yeah we'll solve your problem a little after. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, alause he is really nice. You're just so nice.
Speaker 1: Yet you're better than what I saw on that bubble profile.
Speaker 1: Wells just like all around terrible at first impressions, because
Speaker 1: when you walked on, I was like, can I push
Speaker 1: someone or I don't know. I liked him right away.
Speaker 1: All right, do you wanna bring o? Yes? Uh, we're
Speaker 1: so excited for today's Yes, we're gonna have a really
Speaker 1: fun show so that we kind of curated in his honor.
Speaker 1: You guys might know him from his Facebook live and
Speaker 1: YouTube videos. Whine about it, doing up her Matt beat it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: double that ship, double fiss that ship, double this dope.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, everyone's so excited. This is great. Look
Speaker 1: at you. It's wonderful. You're going to kick hello. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're gonna we're gonna have some movies over here. I'm
Speaker 1: not drinking line, Yeah, he already drank a bottle, so
Speaker 1: he moved him to beer. But he's still drinking. And
Speaker 1: are your jolly ranchers? Oh I have what the are
Speaker 1: you just happy to see me? You are like a
Speaker 1: caricature of a homosexual. Yea, do you want to see
Speaker 1: a trick? I do know? Yeah? I mean at homeless, No, recording, disrecording,
Speaker 1: who cares, that's as that's as deep as you can
Speaker 1: get it, amateur. Oh curved? Okay he oh, she says,
Speaker 1: all right, for the listeners at home, he's putting a
Speaker 1: giant banana in his mouth, and uh, oh my god. Now,
Speaker 1: oh alright. So in lieu of you know Matt's YouTube,
Speaker 1: uh you know style where he gets drunk and complains
Speaker 1: about ship, we're getting drunk and we're gonna read your
Speaker 1: complaints and complain about them. Yeah, I I need to
Speaker 1: catch the funk up. Good god. I was really looking
Speaker 1: forward to this episode because it's how I want every
Speaker 1: episode to go. But then I got way too drunk,
Speaker 1: way sooner than everybody else showed out drunk. I started.
Speaker 1: I had a bottle of wine like four hours ago,
Speaker 1: and then I kept drinking. And this is just a continuation.
Speaker 1: All right, you ready for our first topic? People who
Speaker 1: don't make sure you come to those people? Selfish motherfucker.
Speaker 1: That doesn't happen to gays, it doesn't. You're Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: just so generous all the time. I mean, I I'm
Speaker 1: lucky enough to be with a partner who gets off
Speaker 1: on me getting off, thank god. But man, I've been
Speaker 1: with some people who didn't even know I was in
Speaker 1: the room. You know, I just think if you don't come,
Speaker 1: you're not trying if you're gay. So wait, it's so
Speaker 1: easy for a dick to God like, it's just fuck you,
Speaker 1: even if you're a couple of times, it'll it'll shoot.
Speaker 1: Is it the fault of the person who doesn't come?
Speaker 1: Or whose fault is it? Whose fault is it? Everyone's,
Speaker 1: it's God's. Have you have never been in a sexual
Speaker 1: situation where the guy only cared about his pleasure? I
Speaker 1: should be a gay guy, Jesus Chris. Sure, but like
Speaker 1: you just put it in a little extra you put
Speaker 1: in a couple of extra quarters. Are we doing laundry
Speaker 1: or having sex? I'm confused. Where do you insert the
Speaker 1: quarters and the listen, we're in a laundry mate, Now
Speaker 1: we're getting into the homosexuality. I know you're in the
Speaker 1: basement laundry room at your college dorm room and you
Speaker 1: have a sock full of quarters. Oh no, where's this gone?
Speaker 1: That's a weapon? I know what to say. I was like,
Speaker 1: and then you knock someone out. So you've never been
Speaker 1: with somebody, You've never been with someone who didn't do you?
Speaker 1: Have you come every time you have sex? Yeah? How
Speaker 1: many times? Have you? I make sure of it? You
Speaker 1: make sure of it. Have you ever had to just like,
Speaker 1: did the guy finish before you? And you just like,
Speaker 1: I guess I'll just d watch me, you'll watch me.
Speaker 1: We'll make eye contact until I've had my do. Wow. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what kind of what like? I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot of times in the gay community, gay men have
Speaker 1: a very specific type. Do you have a type? Sure?
Speaker 1: I was like, right, Harry Styles, Someone said, Harry Styles. Um,
Speaker 1: basically it's annoying kind of Listen, I don't know. I've
Speaker 1: complicated feelings. I want to I want you to look
Speaker 1: like you showered in the last like hours. Okay, that's
Speaker 1: my criteria. That's it. That's that's not a lot criteria, right,
Speaker 1: it's very low bar, especially for gays. Um, listen, I'll
Speaker 1: take what I can get. Listen, you're so drunk. I
Speaker 1: feel like I could lick your face and get drunk.
Speaker 1: I mean I will, I will do you want? No, No,
Speaker 1: I feel like that was not a true but no,
Speaker 1: I take what I can get. I have a mirror,
Speaker 1: I see what I look like, and I that's not
Speaker 1: our audience. They're going to tell you that you're beautiful
Speaker 1: and then you should be brave and go after thank you.
Speaker 1: But I live in the real world to thank you.
Speaker 1: Same all right? Next topic, you really like this one?
Speaker 1: When they don't use enough tongue wiggle it deep please?
Speaker 1: Does that work for? Is that for assholes too? I
Speaker 1: pue deep in? Right? I mean that's all you're If
Speaker 1: you're using the mouth, that's all you got. Lips aren't enough.
Speaker 1: Do you eat? Uh? I don't eat James's ass? He dirty?
Speaker 1: There was literally one guy I dated whose ass I wouldy.
Speaker 1: I didn't because he didn't ask for it, but it
Speaker 1: was very clean. I'm like a clean freak. Yeah, I can't.
Speaker 1: Do you eat asthmat I have? Do you enjoy? I
Speaker 1: was gonna say. I was like, you've been eating something,
Speaker 1: it's it's wine. There's just things that have to happen first. Okay.
Speaker 1: You can't just like come off like a buffet, and
Speaker 1: I expect I know how you can't come off like
Speaker 1: a buffet. Like you can't just like where was that going?
Speaker 1: Scoop it in on your plate and then go back
Speaker 1: to your table later. One you can't pay before you
Speaker 1: eat the ass. I mean things have to happen, Okay.
Speaker 1: The plate has to be clean, right, diet preparation, making
Speaker 1: sure food on it. Okay, well, can we just not metaphors?
Speaker 1: Wash your asshole? There? We go, get in there. You know,
Speaker 1: do you like when people do that? Do you shoot
Speaker 1: my ass? So I treated like a white girl treats
Speaker 1: a bagelf and I just moved into an apartment scoop
Speaker 1: it out? Yeah? What do you scoop out? Okay? This
Speaker 1: is very gross. But since we're like when I wait,
Speaker 1: my when I white my ass, I actually go inside
Speaker 1: and make sure it's like all out right, you have
Speaker 1: to skin has to move. Okay, we all ship. That's
Speaker 1: the one thing all of us in this fucking room
Speaker 1: have in common. We all ship. Okay, the Lord, we
Speaker 1: should be able to talk about airs in a non
Speaker 1: judgmental environment. I ain't going to take so many wipes.
Speaker 1: It's so annoying. It's like, oh my god, I have
Speaker 1: to go. I just moved into it. I don't want
Speaker 1: to brag. And I just moved into an apartment that
Speaker 1: has a detached bullshower head. I did too, but and
Speaker 1: that ship, Okay, I stand like this. I'm going to demonstrate. Yes, please,
Speaker 1: you said like this how ship gets spread? Yeah, you
Speaker 1: make sure ship it's washed up. Yeah, that's how. That's
Speaker 1: how I handle my period too. Yeah, me toos going
Speaker 1: down the drain. You're you're not cleaning. That's how you
Speaker 1: all got here because some woman did not get her period. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's just be Oh, I'm sorry that I'm cleaner than
Speaker 1: all of you. We didn't really into that. Whatever. Um
Speaker 1: wanting to be choked does not equal daddy issues. Surprisingly,
Speaker 1: I didn't write that. No, no, wait, what are your
Speaker 1: feelings on chup my dad? My dad and I are
Speaker 1: good friends. Choke me all you want? I love my dad.
Speaker 1: That wasn't I'm here to say it. That wasn't a
Speaker 1: strong argument. Well, it's my situation. Now we're just thinking
Speaker 1: about your dad and you more. Let's go to you, Matt.
Speaker 1: It's gross. I'm not a fan. You call me crazy? Hey, Like,
Speaker 1: would I like my neck to be free to move
Speaker 1: around to? What? Have you ever choked a guy? Right? No?
Speaker 1: Has a guy ever asked you to be by? Have
Speaker 1: you ever had? No? No? I feel like we I don't.
Speaker 1: By some way or another, we clear that requirement. Before
Speaker 1: we end up in the situation where one of us
Speaker 1: asking the other person, um, we choke other things, other
Speaker 1: things you could deprive of. What do you what are
Speaker 1: the things you choke or how like? Okay, so I
Speaker 1: feel like I feel like some men when they masturbate,
Speaker 1: they really go hard on, too hard. And sometimes when
Speaker 1: you're dating someoney masterurbates too hard you can't have sex
Speaker 1: for a couple of days and it's so fucking annoying. Okay,
Speaker 1: that was very personal. Stop jerking it too hard, Steven,
Speaker 1: How do you well? What time? I couldn't What are
Speaker 1: you doing? What are you doing to your dick that
Speaker 1: you broke it for? But he's fucking scrapes it and
Speaker 1: he's like, you can't touch it. I'm like, oh, you
Speaker 1: fucking asshole. Yeah, Danny Palmer. I mean someone else chafed
Speaker 1: his dick while masturbating and he couldn't. Fuck What do
Speaker 1: you wanturbating with sandpaper? I don't know. He's gonna be
Speaker 1: so mad at you. Maybe this is a gay guy thing.
Speaker 1: But I moisturized my hand so it's smooth. Good for you.
Speaker 1: But we're gonna say, Karend sorry, because I was just
Speaker 1: more curious and I feel like men sometimes a lot
Speaker 1: of men masturbate really hard. But then if but then
Speaker 1: if I tried to do it that hard, you would
Speaker 1: be like, oh, yeah, this is I'm sorry. I was
Speaker 1: I'm not. This was a man crying and there's such babies.
Speaker 1: Um yeah, so how hard, Like can you practice on
Speaker 1: my arm? How hard you hold your penis? I can?
Speaker 1: I feel like it's even the hardest that I hold it.
Speaker 1: I'm weak. Look at my look at my upper arm?
Speaker 1: What about it? I couldn't strangle the dog if I
Speaker 1: wanted to. Presa, Thanks Peter, this is achieved nothing. Do
Speaker 1: you be so wed? I do? I just hold it
Speaker 1: real hard. You know what? That's a fucking mystery to
Speaker 1: me because some guys I watched a mask like, I'll
Speaker 1: watch like my partner masturbate and then I'll do the
Speaker 1: exact same thing they're doing, and they're wow, like, what
Speaker 1: the what the fuck? The right way twists and turns? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know I do that. I did a little joke.
Speaker 1: I guess I do. Are you do you give other
Speaker 1: guys hand jobs? Are you like you just do it yourself?
Speaker 1: I feel like gay guys know what other guys want?
Speaker 1: What do they want Matt love love love. That's make
Speaker 1: a listical for us, right now, make a bus to
Speaker 1: be listical. I heard you worked a buzz. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: a little birds like the sims cheet code. It's just
Speaker 1: like up up right, right, left, left? Am I contone
Speaker 1: who laughed at that? I don't. That was not relatable
Speaker 1: to me at all. What something you got? Okay, you
Speaker 1: just gotta know, you gotta know. How do you fuck
Speaker 1: a crooked dick? Like a ninety degree angle? And they
Speaker 1: drew a picture of a dick at a ninety degree angle.
Speaker 1: I had one of those How did you fucking it was?
Speaker 1: It happened to hit the spot that I needed to
Speaker 1: were like two puzzle pieces. So I got met for
Speaker 1: that question. Life finds a way forgot it. I didn't
Speaker 1: think that Matt doesn't really get drunk. I think you
Speaker 1: know it's not fake. It's not fake. Very does your
Speaker 1: dick have a tilt or a crookedness or a slight yeah?
Speaker 1: To the right, left, yeah, and you just I mean,
Speaker 1: but if someone inserted it in them and it made
Speaker 1: it go straight, it would walk straight the next day.
Speaker 1: It's not like it wouldn't. Life for the rest of
Speaker 1: it would hurt. No, but would hurt your dick if they?
Speaker 1: Like you put the one but doesn't the dick move?
Speaker 1: So wouldn't the dick straightened out to whatever? Or it
Speaker 1: would be placed in two? Yes, unless unless you're severely
Speaker 1: I mean that one that the dick I mean, but
Speaker 1: I don't know. I've never dealt with a degree angle
Speaker 1: dick before. Now the person who wrote this, like, have
Speaker 1: you seen it? Or? All right? There? Anybody here have
Speaker 1: a ninety degree angle dick? Does anyone with a ninety
Speaker 1: degree dick want to have sex with one of us
Speaker 1: right now? And we'll see how it works. Turn the lights.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it. We need to ensure
Speaker 1: that next time he comes to moon Tower that section
Speaker 1: is filled in. So I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
Speaker 1: I really like sixteen all right? Do you know how
Speaker 1: many crying face emojis on Twitter would have loved to
Speaker 1: be in those sees? Oh there's so many seeds. Okay,
Speaker 1: when he's super hot, tall, perfect with a teeny weeny,
Speaker 1: well then he's not perfect. To learn what that's not true.
Speaker 1: It's not shaming. So we're not created for larks. They
Speaker 1: were in purpose? How teeny are we talking though? I mean, who,
Speaker 1: how teeny are the ween How teeny is the weeny?
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like a game of two. What's
Speaker 1: the teenis weeny? You've encountered? Do you have a teeny weenier?
Speaker 1: I mean there's like a one incher versus like when
Speaker 1: it's hard. You know, when it's hard, it's one inch
Speaker 1: like micro penis. Yeah, yeah, but then you you get
Speaker 1: good in this the hand department, in the tongue department. No, okay, department.
Speaker 1: There's not much you can do there. Well, there's got
Speaker 1: to be something and pray to God that's what you do. Ship.
Speaker 1: That's not going to do ship, No, you do? Okay?
Speaker 1: Everything is bigger in Texas. Yeah sure, not one in
Speaker 1: ten Texas men have a micro penis, but they have
Speaker 1: they need love to one in five who they need
Speaker 1: love to? And you know what, you just have to
Speaker 1: ask them what? No? Oh my god, I don't want
Speaker 1: to find that out. Have you ever encountered a micro penis? Say?
Speaker 1: I have not? See I feel bad. I don't want
Speaker 1: to shame people with micropis. I don't want to shame
Speaker 1: them either, But you know what, I don't I'm not
Speaker 1: down to do that research. What's the research? How it works?
Speaker 1: It works? Just like it's just like how how does
Speaker 1: a dollhouse work? I mean it's a house smaller. There's
Speaker 1: different physics, really though, is there. I mean, when you can't,
Speaker 1: when there's an impossible, when it's impossible to fully yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean this is awkward because I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: like at a parent teacher conference and I'm trying to
Speaker 1: find something nice to say about a kid who's just
Speaker 1: not gonna make it. He will make it in something.
Speaker 1: Kinks get an application? Okay, sorry, whoever works at Kinks.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it's a fine shop. When he has a
Speaker 1: huge dick, but he's an abusive asshole, you don't have
Speaker 1: sex with him. That's an easy one. That's very easy. God, guys,
Speaker 1: and I bet some people are still thinking, well, at
Speaker 1: least doesn't have a micro penis. That's why we're in
Speaker 1: the state. We're in ladies another this is all They're
Speaker 1: all dick themes. They're all dick themes. Spontaneous happy holiday
Speaker 1: messages with a dick pick from a guy who was
Speaker 1: thirty five dot dot dot but he has a nice couch.
Speaker 1: Of course, he died by your own trouch. The girl, Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're cheap, but then the but then the thing is
Speaker 1: like you're shaving someone for being thirty five. That's one
Speaker 1: of the perks that you get with the thirty five
Speaker 1: year old. A fucking nice couch. Yeah, yeah, I just
Speaker 1: got a nice couch. Such a low bar. Whoever wrote this,
Speaker 1: I want to hug you buy her own couch. You're
Speaker 1: a thing was showered in forty eight hours. Troue good points.
Speaker 1: Good point could keep in town. I don't remember that.
Speaker 1: I remember saying that, how old are you? I'm oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I know I look like I'm but I'm twenty six.
Speaker 1: I can't read that. You're like the YouTube version of Wait,
Speaker 1: guys that fake work done, Guys that fake orgasms do? Guys?
Speaker 1: I don't understand. I wrote a portion of about that
Speaker 1: in the book. Oh, I want to read it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what does that even mean? Guys fake orgasms? You know?
Speaker 1: Guys don't. I don't want to have that happen. When
Speaker 1: guys are like, especially when you're wearing a condomency, if
Speaker 1: there's something in the condom, it's like, I'm not a
Speaker 1: poetic except the court you do. When guys like see
Speaker 1: you just did it, and that wasn't that hard to take.
Speaker 1: God's wait, you do a girl coming up lobster and
Speaker 1: Frankenstein comes to life. But then if there's a little
Speaker 1: baggy honest, it's so but yeah, but I've checked someone's condom,
Speaker 1: Well you should inside out. I want to know. I
Speaker 1: accept with the guy once and for five years who
Speaker 1: every time after we had sex, he would go in
Speaker 1: the bathroom with the condom and fill it with water
Speaker 1: to make sure there was no holes in it. I'm like, bitch,
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to like secretly have your baby and
Speaker 1: get all your money. Fuck you, right, Jesus, that was
Speaker 1: the famous person whatever. Well I was gonna say. I
Speaker 1: was like, I mean, Jesus Christ, I'll get it, you're famous.
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, network star at best. I love.
Speaker 1: I wish I could say that was um. One weird
Speaker 1: thing I did with a condom was one the first
Speaker 1: time I had sex with this guy I really liked. Um.
Speaker 1: I did take his condom and put an envelope and
Speaker 1: save it, and I think I still have it. That's
Speaker 1: weirder than looking, isn't it. I'm sorry. I just wanted
Speaker 1: to make sure the art of our archiving didn't Where
Speaker 1: is it? Where do you keep it? Is it in
Speaker 1: your home? It was a question under do you have
Speaker 1: an do you have any sex? Because some guys don't,
Speaker 1: so I'm not gonna. Okay, So you know, like for women, economy,
Speaker 1: a consom can get lost in our vagina, the economy
Speaker 1: get lost in your bottle. It can't all it sucks,
Speaker 1: but you would shoot it out. I'm proud to say
Speaker 1: it's never happened. Good for you. I excavate after every
Speaker 1: what what does that mean? Explained place? I don't think
Speaker 1: I have to explain. Either do stuck me? Either you eat,
Speaker 1: either you ship, or you put water in your ass nanema. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're just spilling beer down there. I fully understand. Okay,
Speaker 1: do you want me to hold it? Matt? Your job
Speaker 1: is hard. This is I'm on my second long oman.
Speaker 1: I see and I'm like, how do you do it?
Speaker 1: You can't, you can't. Thanks for pleasing it. I don't
Speaker 1: understand how. So sometimes when I wipe, yeah, okay, listen,
Speaker 1: just bear with me through this. Sometimes when I wipe,
Speaker 1: part of the toilet paper breaks off because it's cheap
Speaker 1: ass toilet paper that my parents buy from CBS and
Speaker 1: it breaks off your asshole, and then you forget about
Speaker 1: it for a second and you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: there's just a piece of toilet paper up me, living
Speaker 1: inside of me. Yeah, I but I feel it. I
Speaker 1: feel it. I feel it's an alien substance inside of me,
Speaker 1: that sensitive. I could have a wad of toilet paper
Speaker 1: in my underwear. My body is expelling it, I excrete. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they also us for those playing at home, We've now
Speaker 1: walked six people, so I'm pouncing everyone who. I'm proud
Speaker 1: of that. Um so, yeah, there's no condoms up my
Speaker 1: butt hole. In closing all right, Oh, you look like
Speaker 1: get something else. I was hoping he had fallen asleep
Speaker 1: actually with his eyes open. Yeah, that would be the best,
Speaker 1: be the first time that's ever happened. Yeah, I'm sure. Honestly,
Speaker 1: during our podcast to guest conscious, i'd still know if
Speaker 1: there was a condom inside of me. Well, sometimes you
Speaker 1: don't know, and then you go to work and you're
Speaker 1: worried about it, and then two days later it comes out. Okay,
Speaker 1: God damn it. I mean the first time I should
Speaker 1: clarify I ship today. I shipped five times. That's not healthy.
Speaker 1: It's not healthy, but it's true because you drinks so
Speaker 1: much wine. Dude. Also, I drank cups of coffee today.
Speaker 1: That well, that's the thing that alarms me the most.
Speaker 1: One bottle. Are all your questions about like amateurs? The
Speaker 1: same lady? All right, I have the next one. I
Speaker 1: can't decide if I should sleep with my neighbor. He's
Speaker 1: about to move to Chicago and smokes a lot, to
Speaker 1: which I hate. I worry about increasing my number, but
Speaker 1: should that matter? No, sleep up with him. He's hot,
Speaker 1: van it yes, sleep with him. It sucks when my
Speaker 1: battery dies on your vibrant, you're just gonna say on
Speaker 1: your I'm so mad I didn't bring my vibrator. I
Speaker 1: sure I did, and it's not my fucking suitcase. I mean,
Speaker 1: they sell them in Austin, but every time I have
Speaker 1: time to go out and get one, it's like three am. Right.
Speaker 1: I know they should be sold in the travel aisle
Speaker 1: at CBS. Wait, dreamers, dreamers? Is it near here? Thank
Speaker 1: you so much? Thank you so much? Well that's where
Speaker 1: all bait. Later. Okay, how do I break up with
Speaker 1: both the guys? I'm fucking ps. I can't ghost. Okay,
Speaker 1: you tell them to their face that you no longer
Speaker 1: want to see them like a goddamn adult that was eazy,
Speaker 1: or ghost them. This is from the girl who already
Speaker 1: came up on stage. I'm dating a guy in a
Speaker 1: and have a bottle of wine to night. What the
Speaker 1: fun already answered that, I just would love to go
Speaker 1: to your house and see how much like Etsy themed
Speaker 1: wants stop it. I want to see how big you're
Speaker 1: recycling trash can I is because me thinks that it's huge.
Speaker 1: Do you have that like phone case holder that's just
Speaker 1: like the red liquid in the want anytime I see
Speaker 1: someone with that phone case, I moved seats on the subway. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I can't be near that person. This is a good question.
Speaker 1: When should you stop letting your pride get in the
Speaker 1: way of your sex life? For example, when you just
Speaker 1: want to get laid, but you also don't want to
Speaker 1: feel used. Oh oh, I thought they were just going
Speaker 1: to say, when can you start sucking uglier people? I
Speaker 1: was like, do that now? Used? I mean, I don't think,
Speaker 1: especially if that's a woman writing that, I'm I'm guessing
Speaker 1: you can get funk. You never have to feel used
Speaker 1: as a woman, just just get someone else and use them. Um,
Speaker 1: that's say yourself that what do you think, Matt? I
Speaker 1: don't There was too many like ifs and butts in
Speaker 1: that question for feed to follow. Would you ever let
Speaker 1: someone use your butthole just for sexual pleasure? Good question? No, No,
Speaker 1: you have to put sometimes well, if you don't think
Speaker 1: that's hot, then don't do it. You have to follow
Speaker 1: me on Facebook like all my videos right right? Pay
Speaker 1: me at least a hundred buck. That's it hard Like
Speaker 1: a steak. A steak is less than a hundred dollars.
Speaker 1: A steak of good steak. They ask you where they as,
Speaker 1: They're like, how do you like it? And I'm like
Speaker 1: they have to legally though, I think we're doing metaphors
Speaker 1: and I don't get it now. I was like, because
Speaker 1: if we really wanted to talk about steak, I could
Speaker 1: also do that. But I don't know's about this is about?
Speaker 1: Then there are sides. Oh, yes, here we go. My
Speaker 1: girlfriend of nine years high school sweetheart wants to peg me.
Speaker 1: I don't I want a male male female female threesome?
Speaker 1: She doesn't. What do we do get pegged? Why? Because
Speaker 1: you have boys? I mean I think that situation you
Speaker 1: just at the anus. Yeah, the pe spot is a
Speaker 1: magical thing, and it's magical to see a guy have
Speaker 1: an orgasm that way. I gotta say, the hottest thing
Speaker 1: I think I've ever seen in my life. Wow, right now,
Speaker 1: I think everyone's just like what everyone was thinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were just thinking. I don't know. I think girl
Speaker 1: girl guy threesomes are overrated. Yeah, because you're gay, of
Speaker 1: course you want two girls. The gayest thing I've ever heard,
Speaker 1: because of American Pie told you want it. This is
Speaker 1: like a This is like if this is like a
Speaker 1: weird gay Nazi meeting where we lost to all this day.
Speaker 1: So you just project onto you guys, this is very weird.
Speaker 1: Guy guy three seven, Then let me know, let me know,
Speaker 1: just compare and contrast. Do you have three some? We'll
Speaker 1: then diagram it out and then we'll see where the
Speaker 1: circles meet in the end. Another update for folks at home.
Speaker 1: Two people fully asleep in the audition. Where where where? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where?
Speaker 1: Right up? And then right there she's about to die.
Speaker 1: We might wait, they're in the reserve seats. Yeah the
Speaker 1: fuck hotel. I have called an one on so many
Speaker 1: fucking strangers in my life. Are you okay? Hey? What's
Speaker 1: his name's Daniel? Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel right in
Speaker 1: front of you, Daniel, Daniel. What the fuck high Daniel?
Speaker 1: Fuck you Daniel. I hate you. God, that took way
Speaker 1: too long, you know what I feel like? People saw
Speaker 1: our Instagram post about being very excited about having our
Speaker 1: photo on doors, and they were like, we're gonna take
Speaker 1: these two girls down. We're gonna have one of them
Speaker 1: yelled at him. Sleeping man two feet in front of
Speaker 1: him and he's not going to notice for a very
Speaker 1: long time. Oh god, oh my lot. Okay, Oh here's
Speaker 1: one food sex. No, I don't want to eat mac
Speaker 1: and cheese off your dick. Fuck you. That was personally
Speaker 1: directed towards you. Wow. Okay, it depends on the type
Speaker 1: of mac and cheese. It's she's on a dick. I
Speaker 1: mean you really got a scoop in the it on?
Speaker 1: Bore it on you? Have you cooked easy mac? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Those noodles are small, they could stay alright? Good point, alright?
Speaker 1: Good point? Would that feel good? Though? Have you ever
Speaker 1: dipped your dick in a food? Personally? Have you dipped
Speaker 1: someone else's dick and food? Somebody dipped their dick and
Speaker 1: food in front of you and fed it to you. No,
Speaker 1: not not yet, but I'm bore it. I'm pro dipping
Speaker 1: your dicking food in a food that doesn't ruin your
Speaker 1: foods would ruin a dick mac and cheese, Yes, like
Speaker 1: Salsbury steak. How can you dip your dick in steak?
Speaker 1: You just you just you sauce sauce. There's a sauce
Speaker 1: you're wiping it on though it's actually immerse sauce. You're powdered.
Speaker 1: There's powdered mashed potatoes. But if you didn't write, if
Speaker 1: dipped your dick in something, but the Darth Vader part
Speaker 1: would like scoop it up. I mean you could, yeah,
Speaker 1: but it would be like one of those crane games
Speaker 1: down the shore. Daniel, maybe you would catch something and
Speaker 1: maybe you wouldn't. Do you dip your dick in food?
Speaker 1: Momm Yeah, you have cantaloupe watermelon. You cut a hole
Speaker 1: in it. Oh No, that's a good idea. That's truth.
Speaker 1: That's Daniel's truth. Also, Daniel, so you're sitting in a
Speaker 1: reserve seat where you want to just stick it to
Speaker 1: us or what is happening that's what's what's her name?
Speaker 1: So you came with a pack to sleep during our show?
Speaker 1: What's Crystal? Crystal? Did you refer to her as your bread?
Speaker 1: As in you fuck? You're so tired? Were you out
Speaker 1: all day? Are you drunk? Oh? No, they're making out.
Speaker 1: I hope you too are. Was that consensual? That's you
Speaker 1: can't make out with a chicken's sleep and yell Daniel
Speaker 1: that that's that's exactly great. That's what. Yeah, now I
Speaker 1: mean that's not whatever. Oh god, now we're getting to
Speaker 1: the dodgy territory. Kiss a salt? Do you guys know
Speaker 1: each other? We're gonna believe whatever you say. Crystal? Do
Speaker 1: you know this man? How do you know him? No? Like,
Speaker 1: we don't want your origin story? Are you you buddy?
Speaker 1: Is your cousin? What the is going on? Okay? Okay, okay, fine,
Speaker 1: Daniel can say okay, Jesus, that was weird. That was
Speaker 1: the first This is weird, you guys weird. We either
Speaker 1: perform at six pm or two am. It was sweet
Speaker 1: that you were both sleeping because obviously, like do you
Speaker 1: have that in common? But then it was weird that
Speaker 1: you were sitting four seats apart yeah, and then you
Speaker 1: just because he just You're like, oh, she's sleeping, and
Speaker 1: then you made out with her and I'm like they
Speaker 1: were sitting for season. But then the seat next to
Speaker 1: her was always empty the whole time. That was extra weird.
Speaker 1: I mean it was I guess they were just like,
Speaker 1: you know what, let's not have two sleeping people next
Speaker 1: to one another, because we're kind. Joe, I got your card.
Speaker 1: That's Joe's card. Uh, Sir Alfred Hitchcock is great. He
Speaker 1: spent the weekend with some fine lesbians in Brooklyn. Obviously
Speaker 1: he's survived that. Now he's with James and we're just
Speaker 1: fingers crossed the back. Yeah, he doesn't fall off the terrace.
Speaker 1: So that's my main hope. Ghosting go pro why I'm tation. Listen,
Speaker 1: you get the message, you get the message. I love that.
Speaker 1: Wait this lady clapping? Do you ghost or do you
Speaker 1: like being ghosted? Or what? What's your deal? Glinda? Wait?
Speaker 1: Are you wearing? Do women wear those? Obviously they can really,
Speaker 1: so I'm just wondering you started November nine started what judaism?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, I didn't know girls can wear that. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's cool. It's good to know, sorry, sign up, sign
Speaker 1: out about the judaism. So you go, you ghost, right,
Speaker 1: she's a juice so she likes to pass over. But thanks, guys,
Speaker 1: I'll be here until Saturday. You ghost smith. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: go to everybody. I'm like, yeah, professional relationships. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you'll get it, you'll understand. So you just like stop
Speaker 1: answering emails? Right, you ghost like your agent? Oh that sucks? Yeah?
Speaker 1: You did you have in this room? I don't have
Speaker 1: an agent. I get what the metaphors we're talking about
Speaker 1: butt holes that we're talking about agents. I don't get up.
Speaker 1: That was so weird. It put your hand. I mean,
Speaker 1: I've kind of ghosted her, but I didn't. But you've
Speaker 1: told it torkface, And then that feel good because she
Speaker 1: got the message. If you would have ignored her, she
Speaker 1: would have kept her hand up on the pro side,
Speaker 1: at least she was so true. What's your own away? People? Yeah? Fuckers?
Speaker 1: What's your question? Never had asked that? Is it anti?
Speaker 1: So she has an anti adult? Or is it fuck you?
Speaker 1: And I don't care anymore. It was the same thing.
Speaker 1: Ghosting is when you slowly convinced the person that you've
Speaker 1: been dating that you've died. I mean that's that's correct.
Speaker 1: That's eventually you've come up behind them, Coary, you caress
Speaker 1: them while you sculpt a beautiful piece of pottery, and
Speaker 1: Deme Moore's young hands corress. The crowd keeps spinning out. Good,
Speaker 1: fucking leave good. I'm glad. Oh God, whoever makes us
Speaker 1: to the end wins a T shirt. It's just it's
Speaker 1: just me cutting my body suit in half and then
Speaker 1: giving you this the top of it. Oh God, this
Speaker 1: is not good. You know, do you know what this is?
Speaker 1: I'm glad. I've been saving money. The last word it's
Speaker 1: a funny question, but I don't know what the last
Speaker 1: word is. He wants the booty not happening. How do I?
Speaker 1: How do I wrote this? Whine? Daniel? How do I? What?
Speaker 1: Just what did you saying? Word? That? The last word?
Speaker 1: You know who you are? M you know Daniel, it's
Speaker 1: not No, Daniel is not gay. Look at how consentually
Speaker 1: his arms around that woman. Yeah, we kiss her for
Speaker 1: permission to kiss her and she was like oh, She's
Speaker 1: like yeah, okay, it's barely English. Oh no, I am
Speaker 1: No one knows the word okay uh. And he doesn't
Speaker 1: get it up and he doesn't put up your ass.
Speaker 1: I wrote this, This is zits that need to be
Speaker 1: popped that the person hasn't popped. This is a person
Speaker 1: I even like talking about it, and I don't even
Speaker 1: like talking. But how do they might not know? How
Speaker 1: how can you not know? You don't look in the
Speaker 1: mirror every second? What I do? I don't ground that.
Speaker 1: I stand over while you're washing out your asshole with
Speaker 1: your detachable I get all over and I'm always on
Speaker 1: top of them. I get zips on my chest, I
Speaker 1: get it sometimes my nose. I get some pussy wish.
Speaker 1: I talked about it's fun. You need to MARRYO up
Speaker 1: a desk of that ship. You put right dip it
Speaker 1: in the oil. Well you just you can get That
Speaker 1: was the ghost of Mario being like, no guy. I
Speaker 1: know they say, you know, I worked at a SPA
Speaker 1: for five years and not to brag, but I thanks
Speaker 1: said discount forever. Girl. No problem with girl, um so.
Speaker 1: And I know they say like not to pop zits.
Speaker 1: But if you look in the mirror and you have
Speaker 1: a zip and you're more worried about your skin than
Speaker 1: everyone else is looking at your ZiT, you're a monster
Speaker 1: and just know that it's fucking disgusting. People waiting for
Speaker 1: it to pop naturally, that's disgusting. It's disgusting. Pop it immediately,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, disgusting day to take forever to pick
Speaker 1: food off a menu. Well, now we know who wrote that.
Speaker 1: Well to me, that volumes, that speaks volumes. If you're
Speaker 1: digging a long time to pick a menu item, like,
Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to like stick out
Speaker 1: a house for our babies, my pussy real hard. But yes,
Speaker 1: that also that that you need to size sickness. Are
Speaker 1: decisive man? Yes? Okay, first you hesitated on the yes,
Speaker 1: did I hate? Yeah? Okay, first of all, no number
Speaker 1: four with chicken nuggets and the side of fries too,
Speaker 1: side of ranch dressings. Okay, I know what I want.
Speaker 1: That's what you gotta know what you want. You got
Speaker 1: to come in decisive. You'd be like my lego scare.
Speaker 1: You're lego scare. My foot goes up there, your foot
Speaker 1: up the butt, You put feet up the butt, trying
Speaker 1: to with enough oil you could do whatever you want,
Speaker 1: all right, what up your butt? That whole hand? No way, No,
Speaker 1: we did see in the in the pleasure chest. We
Speaker 1: did see literally, this made out of plastic and it
Speaker 1: was a for anuses. I don't like that. I don't
Speaker 1: like that at all. Hey, then this is capable more
Speaker 1: than you know. What's the weirdest sex you've ever had, Matt?
Speaker 1: This butt is made for popin sentence, not the answer
Speaker 1: to the question. That's just what he'll do one of
Speaker 1: these days. This ass is gonna poop all over you.
Speaker 1: So gay you just incorporated version. No, it was like
Speaker 1: Jessica Simpsons, Oh my god, that was so gay texting
Speaker 1: with too many emojis. You wrote this about me? Didn't
Speaker 1: you know I'm not in a relationship with you? Well,
Speaker 1: I guess it's more and also thought they're like, I
Speaker 1: hold it, wait, did you want us to be like
Speaker 1: if he's everyone like waiting for us to be announced
Speaker 1: that we're a lesbian couple, Well we're not. Love me
Speaker 1: some dick dick dick dick dick dick all day. Why
Speaker 1: did you just aggressively eat the rest of that banana
Speaker 1: while looking at my face? Wasn't that on the floor?
Speaker 1: He looked, yeah, and then he that was testing the
Speaker 1: five second role. That was like the eight thousand billion seconds.
Speaker 1: You looked at me like you were punishing me by
Speaker 1: walking on this floor earlier. I know where my feet
Speaker 1: have been. Wait, I want to ask you a few questions.
Speaker 1: So wait, how I feel. I feel like you've known
Speaker 1: you were gay since conception? But when? But just let
Speaker 1: I don't want to put words in your mouth. When
Speaker 1: did you know you were gay? I mean, I've known
Speaker 1: since I was a kid, Like how young? Though you
Speaker 1: don't even know when I was straight into a long
Speaker 1: time in really I knew I was humping stuff to
Speaker 1: sexual orientation. For that, I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I can say, like what age I was, because
Speaker 1: there's actual studies. I'm not just making this ship up, Okay,
Speaker 1: even though I probably where gay children are like have
Speaker 1: like hetero thoughts, devil thoughts, and then you hit puberty
Speaker 1: and you're like, yeah, but when I was a young girl,
Speaker 1: I didn't fantasize about dicks. I didn't until much later,
Speaker 1: and then even after I experienced dick, still like, I guess,
Speaker 1: but I don't want anything else. So whenever you get
Speaker 1: used to it, we have the same journey when I
Speaker 1: get when I was young, although I do remember there
Speaker 1: was a moment I have an older brother, he's six
Speaker 1: years older. And we were in the car and he
Speaker 1: we were talking about something and he he was like
Speaker 1: talking about some hot woman, and I was like, I
Speaker 1: just think we haven't a hotter with their clothes on.
Speaker 1: I just think so good, so confidently, like I just
Speaker 1: think there's so much hotter with their clothes on. And
Speaker 1: what did he say? But I don't think I said
Speaker 1: that out loud. Though. What's the first, like, I like
Speaker 1: stereotypically gay thing you did where you feel like your
Speaker 1: family was really looking hard at you. I mean, the
Speaker 1: first very gay thing that I did, which was not
Speaker 1: even like explicitly gay, even though it was was I
Speaker 1: wanted my dad to take me to Best Buy so
Speaker 1: I could buy Britney Spears album. I mean, that's very gay,
Speaker 1: very good. That's not my asshole, but that's like basically
Speaker 1: you might as well be. So wait, can straight men
Speaker 1: just not like Britney Spears or get exactly you can?
Speaker 1: You can? But you told me the jerk off to
Speaker 1: Britney Spears stream to say that's a strange to say
Speaker 1: they had our posters. I think the farthest you can
Speaker 1: get is like if you're in the car and Britney
Speaker 1: Spears comes on and you don't change the channel. That's
Speaker 1: the gayest you can get. That's it, that's all. That's
Speaker 1: the straightest you can get while still liking Britney Spears.
Speaker 1: Right right, yeah, yeah, I mean to me and listen,
Speaker 1: I don't even like Britney Spears that much. Talk to you,
Speaker 1: Okay my loyalty okay, right mine too? Can we are
Speaker 1: you only choosing one? Yes? Yeah, I just thought I
Speaker 1: think you're a stray guy who likes Britney Spears. That's
Speaker 1: like being a stray guy who likes to jack off
Speaker 1: to like a robot. It's just like she's just like
Speaker 1: if a robot built a woman, it would look like
Speaker 1: Britney Spear. I hear you. I mean between jerking off
Speaker 1: to an algorithm. Whoa go home and think about that later. Guys. Listen,
Speaker 1: her and Beyonce we're in a pepsi commercial together, so
Speaker 1: I can't well, they were who just said, remember remember
Speaker 1: the pepsi thing? Okay, never forget and that was about
Speaker 1: pepsi um when I this is confusing, but when I
Speaker 1: tell them I want a family, but is there going
Speaker 1: to be a problem with the aids? Yes, yes, that
Speaker 1: the answer is yes, but you work around it. The
Speaker 1: adopt there's kids that need a doctor. You should not
Speaker 1: be asking a podcast about that. Thank you, Matt. If
Speaker 1: we need, we need to have visit you in New
Speaker 1: York to record that soundclip so we can continuously play that.
Speaker 1: I don't know what this means. You read it. I
Speaker 1: don't know what it means, Matt. Are you okay? Gay
Speaker 1: Jim Bunnies. Well that's something to complain about, because a
Speaker 1: lot of gay guys, I mean, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: know what the yeah gym bunny, someone who has a
Speaker 1: gay guy who's always at the gym. What's a straight
Speaker 1: guy who's always at the gym? Yeah? Um, I mean,
Speaker 1: don't you In the gay community, they're a lot. We know,
Speaker 1: we can see that they're a lot. There are a
Speaker 1: lot of the a lot of gay I so like
Speaker 1: live at the gym. Go like, I hear you, I'm
Speaker 1: on your team, on your team. So psychic stuck just
Speaker 1: I know, I was like it was built at soul
Speaker 1: food Cycle. Had he shows them it's so psycle right
Speaker 1: when they closed the doors, he waits, he looks until
Speaker 1: all the bikes are filled in, and then he's like,
Speaker 1: oh my shot like, there's like fine jokes happening at once. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's fun for me. And the punchline of all of
Speaker 1: them is that I'm fat. Yeah, I wouldn't say fat.
Speaker 1: That's fine, that's fine, But now I'm obsessed with this
Speaker 1: because the gay community, you know, as women, I feel
Speaker 1: like we feel like we're constantly being judged because of
Speaker 1: our bodies. But I feel like the gay community is
Speaker 1: worse about that. So yeah, I know this, Yes, true, true, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Go on porn hub dot com slash nay. Your categories
Speaker 1: are like muscle fat, fat is like a fetish. You're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I want someone who's round like fully, I can calculate
Speaker 1: the area. Oh not me, not me, Matt. What are
Speaker 1: your thoughts on forgetting to flush the toilet wrong? Why
Speaker 1: is that a question on a sex podcast? Because it's relationships,
Speaker 1: don't do it? How do you forgive that? That's what
Speaker 1: I'm saying to that person times you're busy and you
Speaker 1: know and fucking no. I have one last question? Oh
Speaker 1: was the long one? Oh? My best friend is dating
Speaker 1: a guy who spontaneously moved to a diff country while
Speaker 1: they were dating. This she has stayed with him even
Speaker 1: though he's cheating on her. He says he will never
Speaker 1: come back to the US. She is so devoted to
Speaker 1: him that she revolves her life around him as her
Speaker 1: best friend. I don't know what to do and it
Speaker 1: sucks to see this happening to her. What do I do? Help? No,
Speaker 1: we're not funking that, but I mean he's in another country,
Speaker 1: he's gone. Yeah, but as their best friend, you know,
Speaker 1: what do you do? What do you you know? It's
Speaker 1: hard to not be empathetic towards your friend who's suffering
Speaker 1: or going through something. What about your friend who's a fun?
Speaker 1: Shut up? You were asleep twenty minutes ago? What was it? What?
Speaker 1: What were you adding to the show? Donuts? He's just
Speaker 1: listing things that he's fucked. I'm so angry at you
Speaker 1: right now, h hot pocket last one. Sluts? What we
Speaker 1: gotta say about sluts? They rule? I fucking love sluts.
Speaker 1: Are you a slut? What is the slut? In your words? Matt?
Speaker 1: What is the slut? Thanks? Matt? Oh throwing shade? What
Speaker 1: do you think? Man? Oh, now you're in the water.
Speaker 1: Good for you? Slut is anything she wants to be? She?
Speaker 1: Why does she? Isaac got to be a she Why
Speaker 1: can't he is? She's bit it. She's a love, She's
Speaker 1: a child, She's a love. Jesus sooner. She's as saved.
Speaker 1: She does not feel a shame. She's your half, she's
Speaker 1: your dream. She's nothing in the tween you know any
Speaker 1: other way, Guys, Thank you so so much for calling
Speaker 1: to guys. We fun. I thought she in a podcast, yet,
Speaker 1: where can we find you? Where can we find you?
Speaker 1: Everything drinking and you're drunk? Please call one of those
Speaker 1: weird awesome things. I gotta be sake so much Green night, guys,
Speaker 1: This girl should have. Today's show is sponsored by talk Space,
Speaker 1: the online therapy company that believes that therapy should be affordable, confidential,
Speaker 1: and convenient. A talk Space therapist can help you put
Speaker 1: you on the right path to a half your life.
Speaker 1: For a special offer for our listeners, visit talk space
Speaker 1: dot com slash g w F. Again, that's talk space
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