Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys we Guys, we booked.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina. I'm Correnn. We're sorry about last night, the
Speaker 1: anti sluck shaming podcast. I never stopped. Hey, fucker's Welcome
Speaker 1: to another episode Guys We Fucked. It's the anti slut
Speaker 1: shaming podcast on Karne. I'm Christina. Hey all right, if
Speaker 1: you're not, you're in luck because today's show is tough
Speaker 1: sponsored by talk Space, the online therapy company. For as
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Speaker 1: at talk space dot com slash gw Come see us
Speaker 1: live on Friday May six to Nacho Bitches is that
Speaker 1: New York comedy club. As always, it's eleven fifteen pm.
Speaker 1: Use code Nacho for ten dollars tickets. I co host
Speaker 1: that one with Blair Sak. We have a really fun lineup.
Speaker 1: And also the show is sixteen and up. Obviously you
Speaker 1: can't have a beer if you're sixteen, but you can
Speaker 1: come and see the show and have a Sota like
Speaker 1: a god dam sixteen year old. Yeah, big sixteen year old.
Speaker 1: And then the next day if you're sixteen, sorry you guys,
Speaker 1: day at home. But Saturday this Glamour Pust hosted by
Speaker 1: myself and when he's startling at Zinc Bar in the
Speaker 1: West Village, and that's going to be really exciting. That's
Speaker 1: twenty one and up. We are taking Glamor Puss to
Speaker 1: Los Angeles the following month, on Saturday, June. We're gonna
Speaker 1: be in the Belly Room in the Comedy Store for
Speaker 1: ten thirty pm. Show. Ticket links should be up by
Speaker 1: the time you're hearing this, um. If not, it will
Speaker 1: be up within days. And then Wednesday, June seven, back
Speaker 1: in New York, it's the Comedian Project happens at this
Speaker 1: standing room. That's an eight o'clock show. Tickets for that
Speaker 1: are only five dollars. Uh. And you know, I don't
Speaker 1: think even think you need to con anymore. It's just
Speaker 1: five dollars. We'll let you in. It's really fun and
Speaker 1: there's really cool drinks. Uh. And then come with us
Speaker 1: on the road. Guys this today, today, today, and we
Speaker 1: were there yesterday too. We're here now, We're here you
Speaker 1: pieces of Ship. And then we're here tomorrow as well.
Speaker 1: In Las Vegas, Nevada for the Crap Shoot Comedy Festival.
Speaker 1: We're doing Guys We Fun the Experience. We're doing stand
Speaker 1: up shows. Definitely get your tickets to Guys We Fu
Speaker 1: the Experience, and then if you want to stick around
Speaker 1: for the stand up shows, come to those two Minneapolis
Speaker 1: where are you at? You're gonna be with us Thursday,
Speaker 1: June one at the Women's Club Milwaukee. Friday June second,
Speaker 1: will be at the Papst Theater Chicago. Saturday June three,
Speaker 1: we're doing two shows at Tell You Hall seven pm
Speaker 1: and ten pm. And then Montreal, Canada, just for laughs,
Speaker 1: we are back for that festival July through the nine.
Speaker 1: We're doing the Guys We Fucked Experience. We're doing a
Speaker 1: live podcast for recording, and we're co hosting two stand
Speaker 1: up shows. Make sure to get those Guys We Fucked. Uh,
Speaker 1: tickets a s a peek because they will sell out
Speaker 1: and also we might add shows. Then if you sell
Speaker 1: them out, you look better. You know what I want
Speaker 1: to do in Vegas? What do you want to do
Speaker 1: in Steven's friend Jared said that this is the thing
Speaker 1: you could do, fucking shoot a bazuka in the desert
Speaker 1: for money. You could pay money to shoot I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's called a bozuka, but it's one of
Speaker 1: those like tubes, oh that you hold like in the army. Now,
Speaker 1: that's one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. Uh,
Speaker 1: I remember they had them and you just shoot giant thing.
Speaker 1: You want to do that? What like a good like
Speaker 1: a gun or like a it's like a like a
Speaker 1: military grade weapon, is what it seems like. I just
Speaker 1: in the desert part makes it seem not legit, well,
Speaker 1: because you can only shoot it in the desert because
Speaker 1: there's no one around, right except cacti, and they don't
Speaker 1: get a ship. Well, I mean possibly, I am. I
Speaker 1: did shoot a gun for the first time this week.
Speaker 1: That's what I did this week. Oh my god, So
Speaker 1: it's funny that you said that's so funny. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was psychic because well, I this was on my to
Speaker 1: do list for like this year, was to learn how
Speaker 1: to shoot a gun, saying because I'm very scared of guns.
Speaker 1: Same but I don't see them going anywhere, and then
Speaker 1: your future you might as well get comfortable with them
Speaker 1: should one be pushed in your direction. I mean, which
Speaker 1: is you know it's obviously like you know, you have
Speaker 1: to do it many times to feel I can't just
Speaker 1: take one, go to the range one time and then
Speaker 1: be like I want to do an emergency guns right,
Speaker 1: Nor do I want to own a gun? However, like
Speaker 1: I had never even touched one, so now I like
Speaker 1: know how it works. I know how to load bullets
Speaker 1: into a magazine, how to proberbly do it, how to
Speaker 1: take the safety off, how to hold my fingers so
Speaker 1: that when the thing comes back it doesn't chop my
Speaker 1: finger off, all the terms. Well, I knew magazine there's
Speaker 1: like there's a slider on the top, but basically, yeah,
Speaker 1: so I learned how to shoot two types of guns.
Speaker 1: I learned how to shoot a glock, which is like
Speaker 1: that classic black gun that you see like that cops
Speaker 1: have they see in movies. Yeah, that about sometimes. And
Speaker 1: and then I learned how to shoot a nineteen eleven,
Speaker 1: which is a heavier gun. It called a nineteen eleven
Speaker 1: because it was created and I teen eleven. Um it
Speaker 1: looks you know, also like kind of a classic gun.
Speaker 1: I actually like that one better, but the aim is
Speaker 1: less precise. Kick the clock you can, it's pretty precisely.
Speaker 1: There's kickback back. The kickback on the clock wasn't that bad.
Speaker 1: I mean you have to be if you're you know,
Speaker 1: if you're just shooting at willy nilly, you're gonna hit
Speaker 1: yourself in the face. But you know, it's kind of
Speaker 1: actually similar stands to skiing. You're leaning forward, your arms
Speaker 1: are locked. Uh and then yeah, so with the glock,
Speaker 1: my aim was actually pretty good. Uh nineteen eleven it
Speaker 1: was just you just can't see through the you find
Speaker 1: did you go with James? Oh god, yeah, of course
Speaker 1: you think it was hot when you show the gun.
Speaker 1: Did you think it was hot when he show the gun? Neither?
Speaker 1: Nothing about it was hot. It was so it was
Speaker 1: so when I first walked into the range, it was
Speaker 1: so scary to be you know, because there's twelve ports
Speaker 1: with people all just shooting guns with their friends, and
Speaker 1: I mean, like there's really not each of a berry.
Speaker 1: The only thing preventing them from turning around and killing
Speaker 1: everybody is their sanity. Yeah, I mean I wasn't worried
Speaker 1: about that. I was more concerned about accidents. People are stupid, true,
Speaker 1: and you know, and and there's casing flying everywhere. The
Speaker 1: casing is just flying back at you. It's that's the
Speaker 1: remainder of the bullet that hit me in the head
Speaker 1: a million times. I mean a helmet, I guess you
Speaker 1: don't worry. No, you just wear I mean you're protecting
Speaker 1: your ears and you're protecting your eyes. Yeah. Uh so
Speaker 1: that yeah, So it was just yeah. So, I mean
Speaker 1: my first walked in it was so scary that I oh,
Speaker 1: I like was started to cry, like not full cry,
Speaker 1: but like that kind of like when your eyes well up,
Speaker 1: because it was it was so frightening. Honestly, When I
Speaker 1: was at one of my friend's houses by a lake
Speaker 1: in Pennsylvania, her dad had a gun at the lake
Speaker 1: house and he took it out and I was like,
Speaker 1: get that away from me, get it away from me.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be in the same room as it. No,
Speaker 1: I don't like it. I mean, so many accidents happened.
Speaker 1: James was telling me his his friend growing up was
Speaker 1: showing some like vintage weapons that his dad had in
Speaker 1: the house. One of them was load and he ended
Speaker 1: up killing himself in front of another friend. Yeah, Jesus,
Speaker 1: and like middle school. I was like, Oh, that's my God.
Speaker 1: And can you believe that some fucking states allow you
Speaker 1: to open carry in a fucking bar, right, I mean
Speaker 1: we've been to states where they you can open carry
Speaker 1: or you can like you can definitely. They're like there
Speaker 1: are signs about like, oh, make sure your gun is
Speaker 1: put away, and I'm like, that's like not even some
Speaker 1: place I want to be, I know. Or there's the
Speaker 1: movie theater right by my apartment is there's a sign
Speaker 1: on every door that says no guns. I'm like, what,
Speaker 1: We're New York, no ship, no guns, right, because I
Speaker 1: mean we had to go to New Jersey to go
Speaker 1: there to the range. So we went to a gun
Speaker 1: for hire in Woodland Park and uh yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: it's been around for it's been open for three years,
Speaker 1: and in three years, one point two million people have
Speaker 1: shot there. That is an absurd amount of Wow. I
Speaker 1: bet that's more people than people who have like volunteered
Speaker 1: for a thing or like given blood. It's just a lot,
Speaker 1: I mean. And because they also you can come from
Speaker 1: any state, you can come from any country, and you
Speaker 1: know they were they were super professional and kind and
Speaker 1: it was educational and someone who kind of helped me
Speaker 1: through everything, which I thought was great. So the guns, ultimately,
Speaker 1: we're not the scary thing. But what was scary was
Speaker 1: looking around looking at all these people they shoot guns. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I didn't even look shady as just not yeah, not
Speaker 1: the people that I wanted to see having guns, just not.
Speaker 1: It didn't didn't look just a variety of trash. I
Speaker 1: just didn't look trash of all colors. Yeah, it just
Speaker 1: didn't look like people who were like really like thinking
Speaker 1: this through gunby It wasn't a lot of that because
Speaker 1: I mean we were we were in New Jersey, Like
Speaker 1: that's not that far from I'm gonna go and shoot
Speaker 1: a gun, mom, faccio. It was just a lot, I mean,
Speaker 1: and I will say it was a corner copy of
Speaker 1: human beings, like just a lot of her and every
Speaker 1: ethnicity women to oh my god, tons of women, Asian, African, American, Latino,
Speaker 1: everyone truly everyone was covered. What wow? What a, you
Speaker 1: found diversity in a surprising place. Yeah, I mean, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's Trump's America, baby, so you're good. Yeah, I mean A.
Speaker 1: Guns have been popular for a long time. I think
Speaker 1: we just live in a live in like a sheltered
Speaker 1: world where we don't know anything about them. But it
Speaker 1: was just yeah, it was just so very It was
Speaker 1: very weird. Did you have like crazy gun secks after
Speaker 1: that or not? It was just purely. We woke up
Speaker 1: at eight am. It's a volunteer, so tired, and then
Speaker 1: I show after no I was We went home and
Speaker 1: went right to bed and productive day. What a good
Speaker 1: couple day. I could have one of those. There's a
Speaker 1: lot going on. I'll have one of those when this
Speaker 1: book is done and it's finally done. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: Not sleeping, I mean, Matt, when you masturbate on your
Speaker 1: couch at six thirty am, just out of boredom because
Speaker 1: you stayed up that late and you just can't go
Speaker 1: to sleep, and you're just looking at the stealing and
Speaker 1: you're like to figure out something. A masterbaate too, and
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm blank, I have no no thoughts, And
Speaker 1: I would never push myself to masturbate at that. I
Speaker 1: was just like that sense seems like torture. What else
Speaker 1: am I going to do? I couldn't go to sleep.
Speaker 1: Trying to fall asleep but I can't is more torturous
Speaker 1: to me. You can't just fall away asleep when you're
Speaker 1: after you've stayed up all night. No, when I stay
Speaker 1: up all night, it's like I'm on like a roll
Speaker 1: and I can't. Are you drinking coffee? I didn't drink
Speaker 1: cough nothing. All I had was water and green fucking
Speaker 1: tea and throat coat. Yeah. See, I don't have any
Speaker 1: problem falling asleep. I don't. That's not a world I
Speaker 1: live in. I don't know. I can fall asleep right
Speaker 1: now on your couch. It's just I'm so over porn.
Speaker 1: I'm so over it. I've watched all I mean, I
Speaker 1: haven't watched all the porn, but I'm just like, I've
Speaker 1: exercised all the categories that have become desensitized to it.
Speaker 1: So then you have to find think of people like
Speaker 1: and that's where you get into real, some real fucked
Speaker 1: up ship and you can't see it. Yeah, No, I
Speaker 1: don't like to do that. I haven't been able to
Speaker 1: masturbate because of the dog. I can't. He's like in
Speaker 1: my room and I feel when you wake up, even
Speaker 1: if he's totally sound asleep, he's not gonna wake up
Speaker 1: that I feel. I feel gross hearing that he's a
Speaker 1: little he doesn't need to be around that. And also mean,
Speaker 1: he doesn't give a ship. He loves my panties and
Speaker 1: he licks the crunch of them, but that's his business. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know my butt hole. The other I was like, no,
Speaker 1: let your buttholeeching, like I was giving him a bath,
Speaker 1: and I bent over because I was I have I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm naked. I'm giving him a bath because
Speaker 1: I have to filliam myself and water. And I was
Speaker 1: like I could get in a bathing stupid. I really
Speaker 1: can't even find I mean, your dog doesn't give a ship. No,
Speaker 1: he doesn't give a ship. And I'm like not not
Speaker 1: like the toll, like the top, like the no no no,
Speaker 1: like the the crease. Yeah, And I was like Alfred,
Speaker 1: please boy, baby boy, I have humans. You can do that.
Speaker 1: Does James eat your bottle? I don't know. We're like
Speaker 1: very we've we even have have a very boring sex
Speaker 1: like yeah, you've always said that that's good though, if
Speaker 1: you enjoy that as long as you can. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't think, I don't know, he's not against it.
Speaker 1: I just don't know if we've been gotten there. He's
Speaker 1: he's like to eat pussy a lot. Oh and you
Speaker 1: don't want a great guy and you don't and you
Speaker 1: don't want to go but to pussy, so you gotta
Speaker 1: be careful. Oh yeah, you can go from you can pussy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that should be a bumper sticker, right, and then usually
Speaker 1: after pussy, I don't like being touched for a second
Speaker 1: because alright, I'm starting this. Uh so, guys, it's your
Speaker 1: favorite time of the podcast, favorite time of the year
Speaker 1: when we think one by one the people who bought
Speaker 1: our book. I didn't have enough time to give you
Speaker 1: only the hard names, but I'm gonna do that next week.
Speaker 1: Let's fine. I'm up for the challenge. Thank you very
Speaker 1: much to Becka Haley, Jenna Williams, Megan Pope, Ashley Lorenz,
Speaker 1: Jeanie Horton, Julianna mar Hannah Sanders, Angela Swain like she
Speaker 1: said like Twain, Like, I was like, how bad do
Speaker 1: you think we are? Reading names? That was probably Lauren Josie,
Speaker 1: Janelle Johnson, Brittany Boyle Meyer, Julia Gurin, Bridget Hanley, Trinity, Mo,
Speaker 1: Destiny Jackson, Pamela Abels, kimber Wolf, Mazie Rugen, Regina Santangelo,
Speaker 1: Liz Evans, Michelle Stambolia, Hilary Kin, buss You, Danielle Santiago,
Speaker 1: Kelsey May, Paris Fassa, Samantha Stenbeck, Rebecca Brennan, Laura Falgu,
Speaker 1: Shannon Birch, Lindsay Smith, Stacy Cabin, Libby Haga, Alexis, Divine
Speaker 1: to Fauna Brown, Kristin Munroe, Becky Apples, Christina Dafonte, Audrey Jugic.
Speaker 1: That's like Icelandic, So I don't know how to pronounce
Speaker 1: those names. York ju someone someone named Buyork bought our book. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm saying that the letters are like set up like Bjork.
Speaker 1: What if it just said Byork would be like, no're
Speaker 1: mad heart on that book. I doubt York even knows
Speaker 1: how to do online shopping. Kenzy Abbott, Candice Clark, Valentina Abril,
Speaker 1: Rebecca Stewart, Alis Austin, Jessica sad To, Savannah Gordon, Namicia Patel,
Speaker 1: Amanda Crawford, Ben Silver, Mercedes Vega and Melissa Routser. You
Speaker 1: know when you read names like several names in a row,
Speaker 1: they just sound like fake, fucking you're working with us,
Speaker 1: like you're pranking us. Well, I mean, I don't even
Speaker 1: get better. I'm I just go for it. I know, Okay, alright,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go for it. Sonia Ferrandi's Sammy Geerko goddamnit,
Speaker 1: Katie Howell, Ashley Our, Lila Moore, Simone Schicker, Gina Whitney,
Speaker 1: Kylie Shreddon, Ambria Caldwell, Liz Dunne, Samantha Merrill, Julie Greco,
Speaker 1: Sarah Meyers, Beatrice Cassillas, Don Anderson, Leash Strickman, Hannah Sands,
Speaker 1: sind Oh fuck you, Sind, Who did you? S? Who'dja? Marougo?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry? Man or girl, Eli Kazoom Great last name,
Speaker 1: Ashley Heightened, Anna Wildman, Amanda Meyer and Reporter Rachel Piser Riser,
Speaker 1: Jenna Griffin, Molly Love, Madeline Goodman, Katie Martin, Mary Contor,
Speaker 1: Alexandra Daegol. What now you just said, Katie Martin? So
Speaker 1: slowly to make sure that because anyone knew it was
Speaker 1: because he did it right. Check out this map. Pronounce yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll do it a gun nail. Then, thank you. Becky Dombrowski,
Speaker 1: Bailey Burns, Jessica weatherb Chelsea Parish, Shelby Gilliard, Dimitri King,
Speaker 1: Donna Clutterbuck, Megan McLean, Samantha Gallotti, Alyssa Galloway, Danielle Evinces,
Speaker 1: Autumn Hardwick, Fallon Bittner. What a great name. Catherine Grant,
Speaker 1: Caroline Merryman, Nicky Rupe, Celine Fitzgerald, Dakota Heart, Juliet Right,
Speaker 1: Civon Salem, Caroline and Claire my mom and I plan
Speaker 1: on sharing it even though I paid for it. Thanks God,
Speaker 1: thanks for letting us now all right. And thank you
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Speaker 1: I did very traumatic suffocated. I feel suffocated because I'm
Speaker 1: like it's because there's really I just I'm in my
Speaker 1: own prison of my own mind, you know, I have
Speaker 1: to that that's my closet. And uh, I do not
Speaker 1: enjoy going shopping, but I love clothes. And so when
Speaker 1: we found Lettote and they're like, can we advertise with you,
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Speaker 1: and I'm obsessed with them and I've been living with
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Speaker 1: are we doing? You know? We are not. I was like,
Speaker 1: I was like, our guest is at the door anyway, Um,
Speaker 1: all right, So I'm really excited to bring on today's guest.
Speaker 1: She has such an interesting story and she's a really
Speaker 1: really good person. She's actually, uh, the person who set
Speaker 1: up that whole volunteer Mother's Day thing on Saturday. She's
Speaker 1: a little angel from heaven. She's a comedian. She's an actress.
Speaker 1: You might be familiar with her work if you watched
Speaker 1: I Think Ugly Buddy, Please give it up for Ashley
Speaker 1: Austin Morris. That a kiss me or mystista Hi Hello Hi?
Speaker 1: Gets funny? Then you broken with dad? That a kid
Speaker 1: were my kids? I'm one ticketing care It's that's gonna
Speaker 1: every time I think about it. I did Okay, what
Speaker 1: are you actually bustin with three names? I know? Are
Speaker 1: you doing? I'm good? How are you guys good? I'm
Speaker 1: so honored to be here. Honored? Wow? Why are you honored?
Speaker 1: Because I think you guys are amazing. And it's also
Speaker 1: one of those things where it's like, I thought this
Speaker 1: was a party I would never be invited to. Do
Speaker 1: you know what I want? Because my god, I'm so
Speaker 1: you thought we were Regina George No, um no, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm sincerely inspired and proud of you guys. Do you
Speaker 1: know what you as amazing? It's very kind of you
Speaker 1: to say, but wait, a break star, but it's so
Speaker 1: so let's just direct. Why why did you think it
Speaker 1: was a party you would never be invited to? Because
Speaker 1: I don't have sex with men or women or animals.
Speaker 1: I don't are you a sexual? No? No, not at all.
Speaker 1: I like men. Okay, yeah, I mean not that i've
Speaker 1: met recently, but yeah, right now, because I thought this
Speaker 1: was so interesting because we have a mutual friend justin Perez,
Speaker 1: and I think maybe sometimes he tells me something's maybe
Speaker 1: that meant for maybe you didn't you left to tell me,
Speaker 1: but he was always like telling me he's like, should
Speaker 1: be a great guess, and when he kind of like
Speaker 1: hinted at things, but he kept saying virgin, which is
Speaker 1: super different from celibate, which you are celibate, right, I am,
Speaker 1: that's a virgin choice, but also not virgin. It's just
Speaker 1: that it's re virginizing. Yeah, what is celibacy for those
Speaker 1: who don't know? Okay, so I guess celibacy is I
Speaker 1: should have looked that up before. It's just not fun.
Speaker 1: What about like spaker banging anything? Well, that's why that's why,
Speaker 1: like I say celibacy because like, for I don't know,
Speaker 1: probably the last ten years it's been like straight up
Speaker 1: just nothing near you, nothing, nothing. But before that it
Speaker 1: was definitely like virgin on a technicality, like like you
Speaker 1: could do anything anywhere, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: in the last ten years it was like, yeah, no nothing,
Speaker 1: What what do you mean virgin on technicality? Did you
Speaker 1: have intercourse or you did everything but intercourse? So have
Speaker 1: you ever had a course? No? Really? And I've never
Speaker 1: was right, was right here? I've never said that out
Speaker 1: loud to anyone ever. And I just and I know
Speaker 1: you guys are like preddy popular um, right, but here
Speaker 1: was the thing is like I'm doing this show, this
Speaker 1: solo show. It's like very very honest, it's very open,
Speaker 1: and I was like, why do I keep this thing?
Speaker 1: Like I'm super embarrassed about it, and I also don't
Speaker 1: want it to ever be like this weird fetish thing
Speaker 1: because that I think that is it. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: that happens with people. And I was like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna be honest about it because it's your whole.
Speaker 1: What I love about your guys thing is like no shame,
Speaker 1: and this is a very shameful thing, I think too.
Speaker 1: I think keeping something in if just because you want
Speaker 1: to makes a lot of sense because I don't have
Speaker 1: to tell anybody anything, right, absolutely, But if you feel
Speaker 1: if there's if there's shame, like lingering around something inside yourself,
Speaker 1: getting it out we found really helps, right, right, why
Speaker 1: do you feel ashamed about it? Because I think I've
Speaker 1: also lived a life that that makes people think you're
Speaker 1: I don't know, like a Mormon or something like no, no,
Speaker 1: nothing against Mormons, like a leftraides you know whatever, but
Speaker 1: you are cute, yeah, right or whatever. But it's I
Speaker 1: think like I've lived a very worldly life and so
Speaker 1: it doesn't really match every like I'm a feminist. I'm
Speaker 1: a liberal, like I'm you know, I consider myself to
Speaker 1: be a pretty educated woman. Like I've lived a very
Speaker 1: worldly life. I think you're interesting comedy. You've been on
Speaker 1: a bunch of TV shows, Like it's very interesting, rich life.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like, yeah, cooler that you haven't at
Speaker 1: sex because you know, like now everyone has tattoos, so
Speaker 1: you don't have any tattoos. It's like, oh wow, that's
Speaker 1: kind of nice. Actually, it's kind of like a whole thing.
Speaker 1: I think. Yeah, I would if I was like, what
Speaker 1: a loser she has it at sex? That's all. If
Speaker 1: I were to say that that's only cause I'm faking
Speaker 1: insecure about whatever's going on in my world. That's nice
Speaker 1: to herr Yeah yeah, but it's yours your choice, so right.
Speaker 1: And I think I was like very promiscuous in other
Speaker 1: ways at a very earlier than everyone, Like how early,
Speaker 1: Like I mean, oh man, maybe like ten eleven, Like
Speaker 1: very what does that mean? Like were you given blow easy? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and like but what is it like eleven
Speaker 1: year old? Blown year old? Yeah? There, it's definitely in
Speaker 1: jail for were words for he was with my age.
Speaker 1: But we were just like a dumpster fire children. You
Speaker 1: were the garbage pail kids. We were absolutely sure ken
Speaker 1: each other off in and out, Like, wait, so how
Speaker 1: did you meet that person? That guy? We went to
Speaker 1: school together, We went to elementary school together. And what
Speaker 1: did it? What? What led up to? Uh? Whenever you
Speaker 1: given a blow job as an eleven year old? Because
Speaker 1: I mean I've I've had in my middle school, there
Speaker 1: have been I'm I pretty sure that some of my
Speaker 1: classmates had at sex by age eleven or twelve. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so and I'm like, what the fuss going on? But again,
Speaker 1: everyone's their own thing, everyone's there at that I was
Speaker 1: just terrified as sex, and that's why that scared me.
Speaker 1: But I was over compensating because I gre up in
Speaker 1: a very very very very religious home like incredibly which
Speaker 1: which one like we were like evangelicals. My parents were
Speaker 1: actually missionaries and we had a six foot wooden cross
Speaker 1: on the outside of our house, like I'm not kidding,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. So I think I was over with
Speaker 1: Christ on it or is no no no chrisis and
Speaker 1: risen So it was Christ still Christ is still chilling.
Speaker 1: So it was like not, yeah, it's not Jesus, Jesus Christ.
Speaker 1: Really funny if there was like you, they went so
Speaker 1: far as to put like a bloody manneque. Can you
Speaker 1: imagine wouldn't be past it? Like if I told you
Speaker 1: some of the stories like want to be past so
Speaker 1: and I'm not making fund of Jesus, like I love Jesus.
Speaker 1: I'm really into Jesus. Awesome. It's the people that talk
Speaker 1: about him on his behalf. But so I think I
Speaker 1: was overcompenting. I wanted to be like, oh, yeah, that cross,
Speaker 1: don't worry. I'm like you, I get drunk and get
Speaker 1: blow jobs and they're like, we don't we play patrols,
Speaker 1: you know. I'm like, I'm not allowed to have a troll.
Speaker 1: That's satan. So you went right to blow jobs to
Speaker 1: overcompensate for the for the six ft tall one and
Speaker 1: cross on the front of your house. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: so desperate to fit in. Yeah that your parents have
Speaker 1: any idea that you were doing this? No, like, my mother,
Speaker 1: please Jesus, don't let her ever listen to this. That's
Speaker 1: so ironic that, in an effort to probably preserve their
Speaker 1: children's purity, they did the opposite. Oh yeah, yeah, we
Speaker 1: were all definitely, Like we have got to find a
Speaker 1: way because we wanted to be cool. Kids want to
Speaker 1: be cool. Oh yeah, you know, and any little thing
Speaker 1: could be a factor in your either cool or you're
Speaker 1: not cool, Like your nose is shape, absolutely, like that
Speaker 1: could be like you're in to get on the cool
Speaker 1: kid lunch table. Absolutely. Yeah. So where where did you
Speaker 1: grow up? Well? We I was born in Santonio, Texas,
Speaker 1: but we moved all the time, like because their parents
Speaker 1: were missionaries. Yeah, and they weren't cross fall yet. Oh sure,
Speaker 1: didn't know. It didn't It was only on the outside
Speaker 1: of one of the houses, thank god, it was on
Speaker 1: the inside the other time. Like, So we would start
Speaker 1: churches in like housing projects, right, so would because that's
Speaker 1: what a missionary does, right, right, So we would start
Speaker 1: with these churches. So so we like, you know what
Speaker 1: a church looks like, It's like a building with a
Speaker 1: cross on it. So we didn't have a building. What
Speaker 1: do you think you We had a cross that was
Speaker 1: almost the size of a building. So we would take
Speaker 1: that cross to these projects and lean it against my
Speaker 1: dad's body and be like here's church. Oh my goodness, wow, Ashley,
Speaker 1: that's amazing. So then when we weren't going to We
Speaker 1: got in this really bad car wreck and we couldn't
Speaker 1: go down to these particular projects for a while. So
Speaker 1: the cross went on the outside of our house. And
Speaker 1: that was What did your parents say to you about sex? Oh? Nothing,
Speaker 1: not even nothing. Was there cursing in your house? Was
Speaker 1: it that? No? I've never cursed in front of my
Speaker 1: mother in my life. Have your what what's the most
Speaker 1: vulnerable you've ever seen your parents? I mean, that's the
Speaker 1: thing is I've seen my I've also witnessed my parents
Speaker 1: like my mom and stepdad like have zero money and
Speaker 1: be like totally open and honest and literally like on
Speaker 1: things so we could have Christmas gifts. So it's like
Speaker 1: there is beauty and there is weirdness and it can
Speaker 1: all live together, you know what I mean. So I've
Speaker 1: seen them very vulnerable. Wow, Okay, so they were because
Speaker 1: with religious people that are that devoted to religion. For
Speaker 1: me only through my experience, I fall in two categories
Speaker 1: batch it crazy and uh like excluding groups or just
Speaker 1: like genuinely the kindest right and I and I would
Speaker 1: say they're they're more like that. Like for me, my
Speaker 1: mom definitely thinks stand up is my mission, Like she thinks, yeah,
Speaker 1: Like she definitely thinks like God is in a comedy club.
Speaker 1: She thinks, like God, you know what I mean, She's like, man,
Speaker 1: your way more supportive. Would she like that the whole
Speaker 1: time when he started out? Yeah, I mean I've wanted
Speaker 1: to be an actress my whole life, and my that
Speaker 1: woman gave everything to make that dream come true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So it's definitely like, you know, and whenever I've had
Speaker 1: crisis of faith or like if I'm ever hard on myself,
Speaker 1: my mom's like, God love is abounding in grace. Like
Speaker 1: it's not all those people you see at Trump rallies,
Speaker 1: you know what, and that actually that's well, it sucks
Speaker 1: because that's the liberals want that image of the crazy
Speaker 1: religious guy who's calling people fagots in the name of Christ.
Speaker 1: And that's heartbreak and it's horrible because it's not that's
Speaker 1: not what's representative of There's shitty people in every single
Speaker 1: sect of anything, right. And it's also like those people
Speaker 1: really like this election, really, I think, and it's one
Speaker 1: of the reasons why I want to be really honest
Speaker 1: on your show, is this election really angered me in
Speaker 1: in a way that I've never experienced when it came
Speaker 1: to my faith, because I'm like, have you people read
Speaker 1: that book? Like Christ went and to whoever was rejected
Speaker 1: or excluded was like, no, you, I love you, like,
Speaker 1: don't judge anyone, you know. So yeah, Jesus did seem
Speaker 1: pretty dope. Yeah, so it was like and then everyone
Speaker 1: sucked it up at people human he wasn't to the
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, that's not in that book. No, that's
Speaker 1: not in there. So like, have you ever come across
Speaker 1: instances spiritually We're there were gay people and your parents
Speaker 1: like accepted them or into the church like openly. Get
Speaker 1: Like what because even indelical sounds scary. That was scary.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie, that was scary. But that was
Speaker 1: also the eighties, you know, and I think, um, everyone evolves,
Speaker 1: and it's like a weird thing that I think kids
Speaker 1: do where they don't see their parents as evolving humans
Speaker 1: Like my this was literally my stepdad and mom were
Speaker 1: younger than I am now when this was when some
Speaker 1: of this was going on, So they're different. Their beliefs
Speaker 1: are different, Like they've changed, I've changed, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. But yeah, as far as being accepting of
Speaker 1: um gays, that wouldn't even be a question, like not
Speaker 1: even that that that wouldn't even cross anyone's mind. I
Speaker 1: don't think, because Yeah, that's one thing that perplexed me
Speaker 1: is when religion would exclude people because I'm like, but
Speaker 1: then you're running around saying like God loves all. So
Speaker 1: they're not making it up to piss you off. They're not.
Speaker 1: They're not claiming their sexual orientation to be like, um,
Speaker 1: we'll puss this motherfucker out, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It's so I'm like, what is your fucking logic? And
Speaker 1: I always think like, either you believe that everyone is
Speaker 1: God's creation or you don't like and if you do,
Speaker 1: then you need to love everyone like you can't play
Speaker 1: it both ways. Yeah, this is interesting timing because Grin,
Speaker 1: you were just you were talking about I don't know
Speaker 1: if it was last week or the week before about God.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, what did you ask? No? I just sometimes
Speaker 1: I was just curious that people who believed in God,
Speaker 1: I asked them why they believed in God, not like,
Speaker 1: why do you believe in God? Like truly, I want
Speaker 1: to know because and it seems to me every time
Speaker 1: someone explains to me why they believe in God, it's
Speaker 1: either because it's just kind of been like passed down
Speaker 1: through their family or because something tragic happened and that's
Speaker 1: the only place they could turn. And to me, none
Speaker 1: of those really proved. Neither of those really proves the
Speaker 1: existence to me. Uh, and so because I was really
Speaker 1: curious because like my best friend believes in God. My
Speaker 1: boyfriend believes in God, but no one's been able to
Speaker 1: give me a concrete answer. And I know that's part
Speaker 1: of like just like believing, you know, you know, if
Speaker 1: anyone had the answer, like we would all either believe
Speaker 1: or not believe. But just like no one even gave
Speaker 1: me anything really of substance. That's funny. I always think
Speaker 1: of it as like and also I never want to
Speaker 1: be one of those people that's like trying to convert,
Speaker 1: like as if you get points like this like like
Speaker 1: pac men and I get like all the souls, like
Speaker 1: that's so bizarre to me. But I always think and
Speaker 1: so as if people think I'm stupid, like you run
Speaker 1: into people that think you're stupid if you believe in
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, whatever, that's like, that's great. I don't care.
Speaker 1: But right now Alana's Morriset believes in God. So that
Speaker 1: really that really changed for me. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I honestly did. I had to take a moment where
Speaker 1: I was like, wow, it's not like I've always not
Speaker 1: believed in God. I mean, my mom was went up
Speaker 1: and went to Catholic school or you know, my parents,
Speaker 1: my grandparents to go to church every weekend. But I
Speaker 1: mean then I also have you know, my dad's a Jew,
Speaker 1: so it's like, now we have two conflicting religions, and
Speaker 1: I'm yeah, and then it's like and so there was
Speaker 1: a long time when I believed in God, when I prayed,
Speaker 1: and then I kind of I just like basically had
Speaker 1: a humanity is class in high school and I was like,
Speaker 1: I can't. I just can't believe this anymore. And that's
Speaker 1: what happened. And I don't and I don't think it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't think it's crazy that people do. I just
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not on board enough to waste God's time.
Speaker 1: That's how I think about it really, because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not going to just do it because
Speaker 1: I'm scared of like, you know, not getting salvation or
Speaker 1: something like I feel like if I if I'm going
Speaker 1: to be on board with something, my heart has to
Speaker 1: really be there, and it's not right now. So I
Speaker 1: just it's not like I like make fun of people
Speaker 1: going to church, like I just don't. It's just not
Speaker 1: for me right now. That's it. I always think, like,
Speaker 1: like for me when because I mean I I read
Speaker 1: the Bible and it says God is love, and then
Speaker 1: I asked myself, Okay, what is love? And I think
Speaker 1: about that. It's like I don't have words for that,
Speaker 1: but I certainly know see how I feel, and so
Speaker 1: and I was reading this any other day that was
Speaker 1: really beautiful. It was like, you know, um, if you're
Speaker 1: ever in an experience with another human being and you
Speaker 1: feel that that thing that love or I think sometimes
Speaker 1: I know for me, I feel it in laughter, if
Speaker 1: the you know, with an audience or something, it's like
Speaker 1: in the middle of that is love and that is God,
Speaker 1: you know, And that to me is something I can't
Speaker 1: there's just no words for it. But it seems like
Speaker 1: a very cellular saying. Do you actually think of God
Speaker 1: when you're doing when you're doing standard? Yeah? Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: Like how can you walk us through like what your
Speaker 1: mind is going through a little Yeah. Like I said there,
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever performed or I haven't been
Speaker 1: in this space before the audience, and like prayed for
Speaker 1: them as in I hope they feel love, and I
Speaker 1: hope that we all get on the same heartbeat, and
Speaker 1: I hope they get what they came for because I
Speaker 1: think people go to entertainment to be given, you know,
Speaker 1: they need an escape, they need something ing, and I
Speaker 1: hope that they get that. And like I actually, I
Speaker 1: don't think I'm a great comic. I don't think I've
Speaker 1: ever written a great joke or something. I think it's
Speaker 1: totally reliant on that third party and I call that God.
Speaker 1: You know, well, I'm really phone it in it. No,
Speaker 1: you guys are great. Let me read my twitter feed
Speaker 1: on stage, I was like a great comics and then
Speaker 1: I talk about my tits, so let's not make me
Speaker 1: sound too I was like, I've run in with the
Speaker 1: sure free Red Bull and hope I didn't miss my
Speaker 1: spot time. That's how I do it. No, sugar free
Speaker 1: red Bull is also very like that's a very spiritual experience.
Speaker 1: Nothing happens without the sugar free Red Bull. Do you
Speaker 1: have how to keep going. Do you have the h
Speaker 1: guilt that comes with UM sometimes comes with being very religious. Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I have scrupulosity. It's a religious odd that you tell
Speaker 1: me more. I have regular O c D lost scripulosity.
Speaker 1: I just found out it sounds like a Morgan Spurlock documentary. Right, No,
Speaker 1: I really I have OCD to the point that I
Speaker 1: wanted to die. I don't know your like that. It
Speaker 1: used to be a lot worse. I've controlled it a lot.
Speaker 1: Just want to because everyone's terrible. I want them to die. Um.
Speaker 1: The the the obsession is hard to deal with. The
Speaker 1: compulsions are a little bit easier because they're they're like
Speaker 1: physical acts that you can just be like, stop doing that.
Speaker 1: That's fucking ridiculous. The obsessions are harder because I mean
Speaker 1: that's trapped in your head. And I mean there are
Speaker 1: like certain types of therapy that exclusively people with O
Speaker 1: c D can seek. But you know, yeah, as the time,
Speaker 1: I know, right, I mean you can you can. I
Speaker 1: just read a lot of books on it, and basically
Speaker 1: like you can. You just have to be really cognizant
Speaker 1: of your thoughts and actions. Uh, and you can and
Speaker 1: you can fix it. A lot, Like I've gotten a
Speaker 1: lot better, that's amazing. But there are some days, especially
Speaker 1: like when I'm nervous about something or waiting to hear
Speaker 1: news on something, when it will be completely out of controlling. Sure,
Speaker 1: yeah I can't. Like I'll flick a light switch like
Speaker 1: eighty seven thousand times, or like the sound button on
Speaker 1: my iPhone is really really gives me a lot of anxiety.
Speaker 1: Really yeah, I'll like flip it like six times. That's
Speaker 1: so funny. I keep mine on silent most of the time.
Speaker 1: It because me anxiety too. Yeah, there's just something about it.
Speaker 1: And then I'm always like paranoid that it's not on
Speaker 1: or off or it is it doesn't It's like you
Speaker 1: have to keep clicking it until like fuels right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And and this just it's this it's so interesting because
Speaker 1: anyone who doesn't have O c D this just sounds
Speaker 1: like legit crazy talk sound crazy to me. It's like,
Speaker 1: I mean, everyone has like a little thing in their
Speaker 1: life that is like one singular like O c D thing,
Speaker 1: But like people will casually say all the time like
Speaker 1: I'm so O c D. It's like if you were,
Speaker 1: you would know you were O c D. And you
Speaker 1: would have like three hours missing from your day away
Speaker 1: where you were stepping over O C D about religion.
Speaker 1: Know what do you do in the three hours? Read
Speaker 1: the same page of the no Bible. I have this
Speaker 1: thing where everything I do I think is as in
Speaker 1: everything everything even like yeah, because I'm sure I didn't
Speaker 1: effing want to do it, but but I did it anyway,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But like, I will do
Speaker 1: this thing. I'm sure I will do it after I
Speaker 1: leave here. Well, I will go through and I will
Speaker 1: find anything I said that I think like may piss
Speaker 1: off God. Let's also realize that's not the God I
Speaker 1: even believe in, Like that dude is made up because
Speaker 1: God listen to the guyscasts God loves. How do you
Speaker 1: think you guys got to be so popular? Fucking God?
Speaker 1: And then I'll be like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but I've really stayed out loud on your head. No,
Speaker 1: I will get on my knees. Girl. It's crazy, but
Speaker 1: it's gotten a lot better because I have to remember,
Speaker 1: like that's not like that's man made. Do you get
Speaker 1: on your knee? And I know this is like it
Speaker 1: might seem like a ridiculous question. I'm just curious. When
Speaker 1: you get on your knees, are you like buy a couch,
Speaker 1: You're just on your knees and your hands and knees
Speaker 1: or you like leaning on something. No, I like get
Speaker 1: on my knees and I have a God box in
Speaker 1: my room and I will write out my anxiety and
Speaker 1: I will put it in the box. And that's how
Speaker 1: I have to like tell my post secret for God. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is done. Do you ever read through them or
Speaker 1: do you burn them or do you leave them there? No?
Speaker 1: I read through a set of them like a while
Speaker 1: ago that I had written like years ago. It's like
Speaker 1: they're all ridiculous. None of them happen. None of these
Speaker 1: fears came true. So that's a good that's actually nice.
Speaker 1: It's like, see, and what are you afraid of now?
Speaker 1: Probably going to think this in five years? Yeah, so
Speaker 1: can we go back to the uh promiscuous A ten? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm so curious about that. You're not never mind, Um,
Speaker 1: did this boy that was your age at school? Like?
Speaker 1: Did was he religious as well? I don't know, probably okay,
Speaker 1: and Catholic and what like? I I understand like the
Speaker 1: notion of being overly defensive of what people maybe perceiving
Speaker 1: while looking at like that six ft coros outside of
Speaker 1: your house, Like I I understand like those notions, but
Speaker 1: it's interesting to me that you went to Like was
Speaker 1: your immediate thought like, Okay, how do I get in
Speaker 1: the cool gang? I'm gonna suck a day? No, I
Speaker 1: think I was really my I think I'm like really
Speaker 1: wild and have like this insane born yeah, like no boundaries, no,
Speaker 1: um nothing really I don't understand like fear really like
Speaker 1: I will remember when I lived in l A. I
Speaker 1: would like walk under bridges and stuff because I would
Speaker 1: just walk places and the guy I was a the time,
Speaker 1: I was like, no, you don't understand, like people get
Speaker 1: murdered in that bridge. I was like whatever, like it
Speaker 1: doesn't occur to me. And so I think I'm religion.
Speaker 1: It's like godol some of that. But I think like
Speaker 1: that's like not, You're dumb. I think like it's dumb
Speaker 1: when people are like I can light myself and fire
Speaker 1: God and say man like that's no good water, like
Speaker 1: he gave you a brain like not he I don't
Speaker 1: even like God whatever, But I think it was, um,
Speaker 1: I I knew I had to be a certain way
Speaker 1: at my house because like nothing was allowed, and therefore,
Speaker 1: when I the second I would be outside of my house,
Speaker 1: I was like every like things that just may have
Speaker 1: kids may have acted out normally, was like a whole
Speaker 1: like the first time a kid like says like, I
Speaker 1: remember the first time I ever said a curse word
Speaker 1: out loud. At my friends Steven's house across the street.
Speaker 1: We're playing video games in his playroom, and I was
Speaker 1: like fun and we looked at you like whoa, and
Speaker 1: we just yelled curse words for hours and it was amazing, right,
Speaker 1: But I couldn't I mean, it wasn't that. I mean
Speaker 1: I wasn't a lot of curse because I was a child,
Speaker 1: But like I can't imagine being what kind of things
Speaker 1: weren't allowed in your house? Nothing? No secular music. No,
Speaker 1: we had not only us the only Christian teenage. We
Speaker 1: were only allowed to watch like old black and white
Speaker 1: movies and then later like old like that comes from
Speaker 1: the seventies and stuff, which, by the way, I'm super
Speaker 1: grateful for that now, like some good stuff. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: was really great stuff. But so there was nothing and
Speaker 1: this changed, by the way, like when I was I
Speaker 1: want to say thirteen, the rules changed and because my
Speaker 1: oldest brother ran away. He was like you people are
Speaker 1: so like psychopaths. He ran away, and then my mom
Speaker 1: and stepdad were like, we've got to amend this. We've
Speaker 1: been too strict, like too far. Where's your brother? Have
Speaker 1: you talked to him? Oh? Yeah, no, we're very very
Speaker 1: but he never he never moved back in. Yeah, he's gone. No.
Speaker 1: I was like, I was like, did run away like permanent? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: he never. He never moved back. He was had just
Speaker 1: turned sixteen. Where did he? Where'd he go? He went
Speaker 1: away and then he um, and then he eventually moved
Speaker 1: in with my our biological father, and then that didn't
Speaker 1: work out either, and he was really on his own
Speaker 1: from like sixteen on. So that's also like you, so
Speaker 1: your biological father. Was there a divorce that happened or
Speaker 1: because I'm always interested about divorce and super religious households. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were divorced right when I was born. And at first, um,
Speaker 1: like my brothers went to Hebrew School like my they
Speaker 1: were they were practicing Jews, which is something I'm very
Speaker 1: interested in in re like rediscovering. I think it's even
Speaker 1: though it was your dad that was Jewish. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so my mom and he's an like he's an atheist,
Speaker 1: he doesn't practice. But my mom it was when she
Speaker 1: married him, was like I want to practice, and so
Speaker 1: she sent my brothers to Hebrew School. It was that
Speaker 1: whole thing. And then when I was born, they got
Speaker 1: a divorce right away, and I just really wasn't I
Speaker 1: just really wasn't raised with him. Why did she decided
Speaker 1: to do the Christian thing right after? Because she divorced him. No, um,
Speaker 1: she was married again after that and that didn't work out.
Speaker 1: And then and we were always moving. It was like,
Speaker 1: you know, I think about him, like, oh wow, this
Speaker 1: woman was thirty with three babies and like no, man,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And so she went to
Speaker 1: church and I think she got a lot of hope.
Speaker 1: And this was happening to be at a time where,
Speaker 1: you know, this evangelical movement which was this long just
Speaker 1: I guess they can't see I'm doing. She made a
Speaker 1: little thing with her real short. Yeah, it was a
Speaker 1: really short moment in time I think where people were
Speaker 1: that extreme. And it just happened to be when we
Speaker 1: were there and she met a man at church and
Speaker 1: they became missionaries. Nice. I mean, I think that one
Speaker 1: thing that a lot of people have in common, most
Speaker 1: humans is like we're all searching for what, not even
Speaker 1: a purpose, but like, uh, a reason for being here,
Speaker 1: something that makes us happy, something to strive for exactly.
Speaker 1: And it's yeah, and it's with me. I always made
Speaker 1: that my career, Like I wanted my career and I
Speaker 1: wanted to be obsessed with it and just like but
Speaker 1: I see and people like talk about religion and how
Speaker 1: much it's helped them and how they've turned to it.
Speaker 1: It's usually when they've discovered it in a time where
Speaker 1: they were like at their lowest point. Absolutely, So it's
Speaker 1: kind of all the same thing like we all have.
Speaker 1: I think like humans all have that in common. They
Speaker 1: want something to live for. But then sometimes that faces
Speaker 1: there is a crisis for me anyway, I don't know
Speaker 1: if you guys experienced this, but I made my career everything.
Speaker 1: And when it's going great, that's great. But when it's
Speaker 1: not holy like I feel like I fall I am destroyed. Yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: it makes you feel like broken and it's like you
Speaker 1: and then it's your job too, and it's hard to
Speaker 1: pick yourself up and be like, Okay, create another goal
Speaker 1: saying or create another mark you want to hit and
Speaker 1: and I think like for me, that's where my faith
Speaker 1: I had to be like Okay, I need something that
Speaker 1: doesn't come and go. Yeah, I mean it makes sense
Speaker 1: now that we've been talking that you haven't you are
Speaker 1: a virgin because you gotta the ship you more like
Speaker 1: focused on. Yeah, you know, because like it was sexy
Speaker 1: for me in high school and college to up a
Speaker 1: lot of my time. Yeah, I mean all my thoughts
Speaker 1: were just like not every single thought, but I was
Speaker 1: just always like, um, if I was going out that weekend,
Speaker 1: or I'd always have like a couple of guys I
Speaker 1: was hooking up with, or or a boyfriend. And it
Speaker 1: was I mean that sex consumed such a giant chunk
Speaker 1: of my brain power. And I'm a little jealous really yeah,
Speaker 1: because I'm like I wonder where that would be like.
Speaker 1: But it's like you're it's like you couldn't stop at
Speaker 1: any time, because it's it almost seems like you made
Speaker 1: this choice, like from what you were saying, like because
Speaker 1: you're almost nervous about like the Ashley you would be
Speaker 1: if you release. I feel like wild tigress. I think
Speaker 1: and tell me if I'm wrong. But it feels to
Speaker 1: me like you have this thing in the back of
Speaker 1: your head like I could be like that chick at
Speaker 1: the orgy, like fucking buck wild, like having fun or whatever,
Speaker 1: and I don't know if I want to explore that
Speaker 1: route or go down that route. Like I feel like
Speaker 1: you think that you have this wild child, sexual devian
Speaker 1: side that isn't bad, but you don't want to. Well,
Speaker 1: I think I've also done a lot of things in
Speaker 1: the past that I don't want to do again. Like
Speaker 1: I like, I think I've definitely been wild. I think
Speaker 1: I've definitely like used men for whatever, not pleasure, but
Speaker 1: like just lived away that I don't I'm I just
Speaker 1: like got over it, you know what I mean. And
Speaker 1: it's not like a sexual it's not even necessarily a
Speaker 1: sexual way. It's just, um, it's not fun or exciting,
Speaker 1: fun more exciting to me. And that you're talking about
Speaker 1: like sexual acts or just like going out with your friends. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think like sexual like people always the girl that's like, na,
Speaker 1: let's do a bunch of blow but we can. And
Speaker 1: by the way, this is fifteen years ago, this is
Speaker 1: not anytime soon. But it's just like I know all
Speaker 1: the guys that we can like like give them a
Speaker 1: b J. We can you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: I think I've lived that life where you're at at
Speaker 1: any point, yeah, definitely alcohol and drugs or just yeah
Speaker 1: ily yeah, I loved drugs. I loved it. I loved it.
Speaker 1: And again this was fifteen years ago. But also too,
Speaker 1: if you're living, if you're growing up in an environment
Speaker 1: where you can't listen to music like that, you can
Speaker 1: listen to certain kind of music, you can only watch
Speaker 1: a certain kind of television, and maybe you don't even
Speaker 1: know that that's that's a controlled environment, and then you
Speaker 1: get out and you're like cocaine. Yeah, dude, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I would be like heroin. We're right, just kidding. I
Speaker 1: did everything and just totally wasted at a really young ages,
Speaker 1: and so I think I just was like I don't
Speaker 1: need to, I don't care. And how were you able
Speaker 1: to hide this all from your parents for so long
Speaker 1: being so young? I don't know. We went my friend
Speaker 1: and you don't. I don't want to hear your name. Actually, um,
Speaker 1: I feel like you only need one friend with no
Speaker 1: dad and like a slutty mom you're you're You're Stephanie Tanner,
Speaker 1: and you need your Gia, you need your Gila. Everyone,
Speaker 1: every one, everyone. So we would there was like four
Speaker 1: of us, right, and we would literally we would go
Speaker 1: to our friend's house on Friday and we would stay
Speaker 1: till Sunday. And now I had to be at church
Speaker 1: on Sunday. I went to church once on Crystal Meth,
Speaker 1: like I have been to church. It was Father's Day like.
Speaker 1: We went perfect and we went to Papados afterwards, to
Speaker 1: like a Cajun restaurant, okay, and my grandma was there,
Speaker 1: and I was out of my mind. It's just so
Speaker 1: you mad? You are? You live in extremes, I do.
Speaker 1: That's what like we would have like they would have
Speaker 1: tube tops ready for me, like we would like because
Speaker 1: I knew you weren't a lot of were them right.
Speaker 1: I would leave the house and a certain amount of clothes.
Speaker 1: I had a portable alarm clock that was battery operated,
Speaker 1: Like I would leave on Friday, change clothes. We would
Speaker 1: go out all weekend long. I would set that alarm
Speaker 1: for Sunday morning church and then I would be there.
Speaker 1: And where did your parents think you were going? I
Speaker 1: was just like and that was totally fine that you
Speaker 1: were sleeping over your friend's huh wow, Wow, I didn't
Speaker 1: see your last name. No, that's that's fine. We're not
Speaker 1: gonna did you guys? Were they religious? Any of them?
Speaker 1: Now we're okay. So so that was your like escapism
Speaker 1: from field. I mean, as a teenager, I feel like
Speaker 1: you feel like you're in a box as it is,
Speaker 1: and you want to rebel from. Even if your parents
Speaker 1: are like I don't care drinking the house right, you
Speaker 1: still want that feeling of freedom. So I can't. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I remember you were living two lives. I
Speaker 1: was always living to lives, totally living two lives. Now.
Speaker 1: It's funny because there's all this stuff in me right
Speaker 1: now that's like you should not have said that. You
Speaker 1: should not have said that, And there's a listen and
Speaker 1: there's a little bit of me that's like, oh, I
Speaker 1: guess I'm making the choice right now to like not
Speaker 1: do that anymore, you know what I mean? Because there's
Speaker 1: also that thing if I think, like the deeply personal
Speaker 1: is universal, it is so for me it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't want anyone to know these certain things about me.
Speaker 1: It's like that mess they're relatable to more people than
Speaker 1: I think. Yeah, you know, well that when you when
Speaker 1: you were kind of like when I had heard some
Speaker 1: pieces of your story from mutual friends and then kind
Speaker 1: of like talk to you about it last night, I
Speaker 1: really wanted you to come on because I even though
Speaker 1: I I felt I don't. I never want to pressure
Speaker 1: anyone to come on the podcast or like make anyone
Speaker 1: feel embarrassed or or shamed, like before they're ready to
Speaker 1: feel things. But yeah, I mean because it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: we talked so much about sex and sex and all
Speaker 1: the ways to have sex and all things to do.
Speaker 1: But part of sexuality is also making the choice not
Speaker 1: to have sex. That's just as much a part of
Speaker 1: sexuality as going to an orgy, actually believe maybe more,
Speaker 1: because it's like sexuality is making the choices with your
Speaker 1: own body, whether you want to be promiscuousch I don't
Speaker 1: like that word, but or not right right, right and so,
Speaker 1: and it's just never something we never talked about, like
Speaker 1: I'm sure there are I remember there was a VJ.
Speaker 1: Was there a VJ. I'm not the only other person
Speaker 1: where this is going too. The only person I heard
Speaker 1: about like a young woman a young attractive woman Era
Speaker 1: was celibate, being God that that woman is one of
Speaker 1: the hottest babes I've ever baby. And then I remember
Speaker 1: she talked about it with her hot ass fiance no husband.
Speaker 1: And then Ananda Louis, she was a VJ. She looked
Speaker 1: like Chili from TLC. Kind of my mind just went
Speaker 1: to Chili and I was like, yes, I do, I
Speaker 1: do love Chili, those Mexican and girls okay, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: so deliberate and yeah, and Louis and she wrote this
Speaker 1: big thing and one of the cosmos with the glamors
Speaker 1: or something about like why she chose celibacy, you know,
Speaker 1: and it was just for a period in her time
Speaker 1: and she kind of just like needed several years to
Speaker 1: regroup because of whatever happened. Uh, And I don't know,
Speaker 1: It's just always stick with me, and like God, nothing
Speaker 1: that I've ever read in any of magazine has ever
Speaker 1: stuck with me. Yeah, yeah, because people just don't talk
Speaker 1: about it. But I'm sure people either have already made
Speaker 1: that choice and feel weird about it because we're in
Speaker 1: such an oversexualized society, or it's something that might maybe
Speaker 1: could be good for them, but they think it's too
Speaker 1: weird to try out, right, And I think there's also
Speaker 1: this a little bit of hopelessness honestly, because you're like,
Speaker 1: I'm never going to meet a dude that's okay with this,
Speaker 1: or he you know, owns a walkie talkie collection, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. There's like, are you looking to
Speaker 1: find a partner who you just don't have sexual intercourse with.
Speaker 1: I would want to have sex eventually, absolutely if you
Speaker 1: found somebody that or if you came across somebody that
Speaker 1: you were interested in, but also that we were well yeah,
Speaker 1: and that if we were on the same page spiritually,
Speaker 1: not that we had to believe the exact same things,
Speaker 1: but if we were like growing in that way together.
Speaker 1: Because for me, I handle all of my issues in
Speaker 1: a sp archway. So if I'm with somebody that doesn't
Speaker 1: and we have a huge issue, like we're not going
Speaker 1: to be on the same yeah, because you can't. Because
Speaker 1: the learning how to argue as a couple is so important.
Speaker 1: To learn how to fight like well right, right right,
Speaker 1: and resolve things right. You can't if you have two
Speaker 1: different tactics, or if he thinks you're tactic is bullshit exactly,
Speaker 1: how can you even it's never gonna write right here
Speaker 1: your first fight and you're like, all right, I'm done
Speaker 1: right totally. So how has that been? How is ding?
Speaker 1: Have you? Are you dating? I have not dated in
Speaker 1: probably like for four years. You probably get so much
Speaker 1: done though right now because of that fffing scrupulosity. Really
Speaker 1: you just obsessed that where things and stuff? Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: my boyfriend. Scrupulosity is your boyfriend. No, I'm getting better,
Speaker 1: but I mean if there is some of you that
Speaker 1: I mean, it's some of that stuff gets worse, like
Speaker 1: the O C D and like you know, things like depression,
Speaker 1: they do get worse when you're like alone all times.
Speaker 1: Do you live alone? True? Now I have a roommate,
Speaker 1: but I did. I did start dating this one, not
Speaker 1: dating him, but like I went on too dates with him.
Speaker 1: We'll see how it goes. Did you say currently? What
Speaker 1: you said? Did you say you were set? I didn't?
Speaker 1: What did Was there any conversation about anything sexually? You know? Like,
Speaker 1: I mean, that's not exactly something you want to put
Speaker 1: in your dating profile, but it's the time. It's like
Speaker 1: first line, I won't have sex with you and you guys,
Speaker 1: I won't have sex with that doesn't make people know.
Speaker 1: I'm sure some guys would like challenge accept That's what
Speaker 1: I mean that it becomes this weird fetish thing for Yeah,
Speaker 1: but but I mean, I guess women are women are
Speaker 1: more Most women are more like I'm not gonna have
Speaker 1: sex with you, then I'm gonna have sex with you
Speaker 1: with when dating with guys, but I feel like when
Speaker 1: a guy tells me I'm not gonna have sex with you, now,
Speaker 1: I want to have sex with him so bad. And
Speaker 1: guess what. And here's something when if a guy tells
Speaker 1: me that, I'm like, what is wrong with that? Douche? Like? Yeah,
Speaker 1: really do I think that? Because maybe you're not okay
Speaker 1: with your own choice to do that? Maybe I don't
Speaker 1: know because man's or also the men are typically wired
Speaker 1: and I hate that word, but to be more sexual
Speaker 1: or more overt sexual or there, it's more acceptable for
Speaker 1: them to be comfortable with their sexuality. Yeah, so do masturbate? Yeah, okay, okay, okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's I think you. I think you. I
Speaker 1: think you just have figured out life. Yeah, do you
Speaker 1: use vibrators? Use the handy? It's the hand, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: the hand because yeah, you don't need anything else. I
Speaker 1: only use my hand that God gave. Yeah yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah. So it kind of like you're one with
Speaker 1: God if you're using your hand. I don't know. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to I'm trying to make something where there's nothing. Sorry,
Speaker 1: oh my god. Okay, So so what made you decide
Speaker 1: to start going on these dates again recently? Well? No,
Speaker 1: I so I put this online dating profile together like
Speaker 1: a Tinder No, like, okay, keep it, and I'm never
Speaker 1: and then I know, I didn't even download the app
Speaker 1: and I pay the service. It was like messaged right,
Speaker 1: And then about three days into that, I was like,
Speaker 1: absolutely not done. Is that's the same thing I did
Speaker 1: when I was having a nervous breakdown. I one while
Speaker 1: crying one Easter set it up and then how how serendipical.
Speaker 1: Literally five minutes into my just the inbox and just
Speaker 1: like just really tons of things coming in and I
Speaker 1: was just message not it just messages, and I go
Speaker 1: and I was like whoa, no, yeah, no no, and
Speaker 1: I turned it off and I never looked in. And
Speaker 1: I don't even know if I just did. I think
Speaker 1: I just gabled. I just never truly ever, never looked
Speaker 1: at it again. It was open for like an hour,
Speaker 1: and I was like, this is fucking awful. I can't.
Speaker 1: I could not believe people had been doing that. I
Speaker 1: couldn't how do we fix that because they don't know
Speaker 1: that you're getting messages from everybody, Like it's how do
Speaker 1: we that sucks? I mean, it sucks for men and
Speaker 1: it sucks for women. Annoyed that how my profile was
Speaker 1: up for five How could they even have messaged me that?
Speaker 1: Maybe they have a large like a fucking thing set
Speaker 1: up so it's like turn every time like a cat
Speaker 1: me was every time a new girl makes a profile,
Speaker 1: and OK, Cupid in this area. But it was like
Speaker 1: it made you hard. It made it hard to love
Speaker 1: like other humans. It made me be like I can't
Speaker 1: believe this is out in the world and like these
Speaker 1: people are voting, and like it made this is great
Speaker 1: because you have such a disdain for society, but like
Speaker 1: all this love from God in your heart I know.
Speaker 1: So it's really evidence that like people do suck ass. No,
Speaker 1: but but it's also just like but it's also like
Speaker 1: that's why I don't understand. I get pissed at myself
Speaker 1: right because I'm like, why do like I believe in
Speaker 1: loving everyone. I believe everyone's created equal, And then I
Speaker 1: have such a like a rage inside. Dude, I that's
Speaker 1: Kate Wolf. I love by this. I live by this
Speaker 1: thing that s told me, like, you have to be
Speaker 1: comfortable with being in opposites. Oh yeah, there, you have
Speaker 1: to be comfortable, Yeah, like knowing that what you would
Speaker 1: like to do is love everybody. But you also have
Speaker 1: to be comfortable in knowing that some people are not
Speaker 1: deserving of your love because they're piles of trash, just
Speaker 1: keeping smelling piles of garbage. And you know what, there's
Speaker 1: not every there's someone in that person's life that doesn't
Speaker 1: think they're keeping pile garbage that personal love them that
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it. Yeah, right, because we
Speaker 1: were you know, if you're going with we are all
Speaker 1: all born good and people, or with I don't know,
Speaker 1: do you to do original sin? Do you have that? Wait?
Speaker 1: I don't even feel like I know, Like, well, we
Speaker 1: we are all born. I mean there's one religion where
Speaker 1: you're all born with the original sin of like being
Speaker 1: in charge of killing Jesus. That's original. That is such
Speaker 1: a weight on the shoulders that is unnecessary. But anyway, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't even know about that. That's original. But besides
Speaker 1: original sin, it's like, so we're all born good and pure,
Speaker 1: but just as you, you know, you make the choice
Speaker 1: to be still of that, people can make the choice
Speaker 1: to be bad people, to become bad people, to let
Speaker 1: themselves go off the quote unquote path, right right right.
Speaker 1: Was there a moment where you almost had sex? Yeah? Yeah, sorry,
Speaker 1: can't I get it in there? Twice? Did you? Why
Speaker 1: not because you were hurt? Yeah? I really couldn't. I
Speaker 1: really couldn't. It was twice. Was it a giant penis?
Speaker 1: I don't remember. I was wasted in a bathtubs a
Speaker 1: bath in North Carolina. So the water in the bathtub
Speaker 1: there was Oh so you're taking a straight up bath? Yeah? Um,
Speaker 1: how does I probably twenty? Okay, okay, so wait set
Speaker 1: the season a friend's party, house party. No, it's a
Speaker 1: dude I met, I did. This is what happens when
Speaker 1: when you end up in the bath? Yeah. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: then another time was when I lived and I lived
Speaker 1: in Austin for a random year of my life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a great city. In between college and high school,
Speaker 1: I like took a rum spring up. I was called
Speaker 1: didn't like take s a t ser and couldn't figure
Speaker 1: any of that out. But so there was a guy
Speaker 1: then that I was like, oh, yeah, I'm definitely I
Speaker 1: need to have sex with this man. And again I couldn't, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, was partmental though, I mean part because I
Speaker 1: mean we talked to a sex therapist the other day
Speaker 1: and he he kind of was really like explaining how
Speaker 1: your your mind is really controlling your genitals and like
Speaker 1: people who have like vaginis miss like which is not
Speaker 1: necessarily what you have. You just had, you know, a
Speaker 1: virgin posty. I think, yeah, and it hurt and it
Speaker 1: hurts and bleeds the first time. But I mean, like,
Speaker 1: do you think like, I mean, did you louve it up?
Speaker 1: Like if you back to you doesn't feel actual? We
Speaker 1: try it makes it work? Yeah, but there was no
Speaker 1: water in the tub with the loup, with the lucas
Speaker 1: and these obviously gonna like I don't, I don't. That
Speaker 1: one is very fuzzy. I don't remember that. I'm like,
Speaker 1: how hard did you try? But the other one, but
Speaker 1: then I was so happy it didn't happen. I was
Speaker 1: he that doesn't seem like the scene for the first
Speaker 1: time didn't know virgin. Yeah, they both it, okay, And
Speaker 1: what were the reactions after, like the the attempt and
Speaker 1: then the thin I'll wait a second, So the guy
Speaker 1: in Austin. Now I'm remembering something, and this is why
Speaker 1: I think I keep it a secret. In high school,
Speaker 1: it wasn't a secret. And like I'm from you would
Speaker 1: be uh that I was a sexual Okay, Yeah, high school,
Speaker 1: a lot of people are virgins. I was no one
Speaker 1: I ran with. All those girls were in the Misfits.
Speaker 1: I was in the Holograms. So they didn't. They probably
Speaker 1: thought it was like cool, that's a unique thing, like
Speaker 1: a huge thing, like you know what I mean. Until
Speaker 1: I remember this guy. He went on a trip with
Speaker 1: us down in Mexico and we like that like not Camcoon,
Speaker 1: like the Mexican border me like the wall exactly, like
Speaker 1: like the border with right, like the poor kid, Mexico.
Speaker 1: That's where we went, you know, like where they like
Speaker 1: Chicolette Cho that Mexico. Okay, we went there, and my
Speaker 1: friend's older brother was like, you know, Ashley's a virgin,
Speaker 1: Like don't because what like it was always a thing, right,
Speaker 1: And so that's how my boyfriend at the time found
Speaker 1: out was like, and so I think that's when I
Speaker 1: learned like, this is a commodity. People try to talk
Speaker 1: about it for me. People try to make it a thing.
Speaker 1: I don't want people in my business. Not there thing
Speaker 1: to talk about. Right, So you're like, all right, let's
Speaker 1: chill on the virgin talk right, right, right? And then
Speaker 1: but is that what the first time you tried to
Speaker 1: have sex with that boyfriend guy? Yeah, and that didn't go.
Speaker 1: That didn't because the same exact thing, right, Yeah, were
Speaker 1: you on substances? We were drunk? I mean it sometimes
Speaker 1: makes it. I mean being drunk. I've never recommend people
Speaker 1: be drunks for the first time. I mean some whiskey
Speaker 1: and it makes you a little world acting. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: sure for your first time an I would recommend bo Yeah,
Speaker 1: I wish I did that. My first time having sex,
Speaker 1: I was sober. No lube, just in the parents bay,
Speaker 1: remember right before, I mean too you don't need lub
Speaker 1: when you're young, though, Yeah, but I was so I
Speaker 1: was so like, I don't know, you do it? And
Speaker 1: then he was like, see that sounds weird. My best
Speaker 1: friend was literally I think we were like fifteen, and
Speaker 1: she was like it's tired of being a virgin. We
Speaker 1: gotta go out. I'm finding someone to have sex with tonight. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and she did, and it was like for her, she
Speaker 1: was like awesome, moving on next, next, Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's just like it's different because when you start
Speaker 1: having sex and then you're like, oh this hurts people
Speaker 1: like this ship and then but it's but I was like,
Speaker 1: I like, I have this joke I do on stage
Speaker 1: where it's like dick is a an acquired taste, like
Speaker 1: coffee or beer. You just kind of learned to love
Speaker 1: it in a weird way. But then like once you
Speaker 1: actually aren't afraid of sex and you start enjoying it,
Speaker 1: you're like the possibilities are endless. Yeah, so it's yeah,
Speaker 1: that's awesome. I'm like, right, But it's like, do I
Speaker 1: ever go to drub? What do you mean you're doing
Speaker 1: all youse drugs? Did you go to rehab or did
Speaker 1: you just stop doing drugs? No? No, no, I had
Speaker 1: a I stopped a man. Yeah. And was there like
Speaker 1: a moment or an incident that you said this has
Speaker 1: gone too far? Yeah? I just remember that, like you
Speaker 1: always wake up full of shame always, But there was
Speaker 1: one morning that I was like, I want I really
Speaker 1: wanted to die because I just was so ashamed. I
Speaker 1: was so ashamed of your behavior. Yeah, of my behavior.
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I just I couldn't believe it and I
Speaker 1: and I didn't. And it's funny because I think a
Speaker 1: lot of times in my life I get my career
Speaker 1: and God confused. And that's why, like God is so
Speaker 1: important to me, because I did not want to Well,
Speaker 1: it was in a summer before college and I are
Speaker 1: in between college and I went to UM like a
Speaker 1: very strict acting conservatory. You know, there's like seventeen people.
Speaker 1: It's like very very focused. You like spend all your
Speaker 1: days and you're not doing it right. Yeah, you're not
Speaker 1: doing it never. You never really have to commit harder yea,
Speaker 1: yeah totally. And I didn't want to blow it. Like
Speaker 1: it definitely felt to me like because I had lived
Speaker 1: in Austin before college, I didn't think I could ever
Speaker 1: get into college. I had no money, I was I'd
Speaker 1: been a drug addict like, so to be doing that again,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to ruin my life, Like
Speaker 1: I'm going to ruin every and my career was ever
Speaker 1: Like it felt like a savior to me and so
Speaker 1: I know I just stopped that day. I was like
Speaker 1: I don't want to blow this that day. And um
Speaker 1: then years later, like having gotten the best that you
Speaker 1: could get in my opinion, you know, like I got
Speaker 1: this that come on CBS, I was gonna be blah
Speaker 1: blah blah. And at that point, I like still believed
Speaker 1: God and career were interchangeable. And then that got taken
Speaker 1: away and I had I was destroyed and the career stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, And that for me was really when I
Speaker 1: had to be like, there's got to be something like
Speaker 1: my career is never going to save me. It's never
Speaker 1: going to save me, and I think I have to
Speaker 1: learn that lesson every single day. What happened with your
Speaker 1: career at that particular time, What do you mean like
Speaker 1: that I got taken away? Just an opportunity that you had.
Speaker 1: So I got cast in the sitcom and that was
Speaker 1: like why I moved to I moved to l A.
Speaker 1: I basically had nowhere to live in New York. I've
Speaker 1: been through this, like it's all in my show, but
Speaker 1: I had been through this really crazy experience like I
Speaker 1: had like a sugar mama. It was insane yea in
Speaker 1: New York. Yeah, I had this. Did you do sexual
Speaker 1: things with us? No? No, no, it was so it
Speaker 1: was I couldn't do she want to feel like she
Speaker 1: had a daughter. She could maybe like if you put
Speaker 1: a gun in my head, and I was like, what
Speaker 1: was this relationship? I would not be like York. It
Speaker 1: was York, right. It was people being like, people being like, oh,
Speaker 1: I believe in you. I want to pay for your life,
Speaker 1: and you're like okay, and then they don't. They want
Speaker 1: to eat your body and like take in your youth.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know what it was. I have
Speaker 1: no idea. So she was like Ursula but maybe maybe,
Speaker 1: but always when she turns into a mermaid, she's a
Speaker 1: way hot a mermaid, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: you look like when she turns into the mermaid, the
Speaker 1: dark haired mermaid, a little a little heavier, but yeah,
Speaker 1: no you're not. But so, so after that relationship ended,
Speaker 1: we're all think that's a Christian song. I can get
Speaker 1: on board. Oh my god? Should we write thin and
Speaker 1: got Us? Oh my god? All right? After this? So
Speaker 1: it needs a band like a tambourine for sure, or
Speaker 1: a triangle what an underrated instrument. So after that relationship ended,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going ne l A and I'm
Speaker 1: going to be on a sitcom. And I got a sitcom, Like,
Speaker 1: I got a pilot and then I got fired how
Speaker 1: far in? So the pilot went on just without you.
Speaker 1: Yeah the worst dude TV. The ha ha that that
Speaker 1: industry is uh circus. Yeah yeah, so but it destroyed me.
Speaker 1: It just because I had made it my God, like
Speaker 1: I made it well. When you bank everything on that
Speaker 1: ye banks everything anything like that can go away in
Speaker 1: a second. And I literally was like, this is my
Speaker 1: saving thing, and it's like that's why I can't And
Speaker 1: every single day I have to be reminded like there's
Speaker 1: nothing outside that is going to save me, Like there,
Speaker 1: it's not, it's not. And every time I'm like I
Speaker 1: feel great because I have this, it gets taken away
Speaker 1: every single time. Yeah. Yeah, that's why people who are
Speaker 1: not materialistic are are are happy. It's like it's it's
Speaker 1: hard though, it's hard to not put all your eggs
Speaker 1: in one bast It's so hard because we love it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but you just have to be that state stability for
Speaker 1: yourself and then you can go far. I guess. I guess.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. Life is life is complicated,
Speaker 1: no clue. So in her works? So where and then okay,
Speaker 1: so after you stopped doing when did you when did
Speaker 1: you meet the decision to be set abate? I mean,
Speaker 1: I know you said ten years ago, but was there
Speaker 1: an inciting incident for that, A day that you just
Speaker 1: said I'm not even gonna try to put the dickens
Speaker 1: that you were like, no, I'm done, never gonna want
Speaker 1: to see this ship for a long time, I think
Speaker 1: I think I really didn't enjoy being I didn't enjoy
Speaker 1: being like touched or I didn't enjoy it anymore. I
Speaker 1: really didn't And nothing, nothing happened. It just you just
Speaker 1: one day de said I don't like this feeling. Well,
Speaker 1: I think there were phases in my life where I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't know where I'm going. I think
Speaker 1: I had been. I had used men a lot to
Speaker 1: be like I need to stay in the city tonight.
Speaker 1: If maybe I lived in a different place or and
Speaker 1: I would do I would use men to like flirt
Speaker 1: with them and get things like just like no, like
Speaker 1: I'll give you a blow job so I can have
Speaker 1: so I can sleep and an actual blowjob. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think you're you're so it's so confusing because
Speaker 1: you're not fucking, but then you forget and like, on
Speaker 1: one hand, and it's also like a little embarrassing because
Speaker 1: on one hand and you're like, oh, but it's also
Speaker 1: if you're doing something as a commodity, and I don't
Speaker 1: feel like sex as a commodity. It shouldn't be for
Speaker 1: me anybody else. I don't care what you do, like
Speaker 1: no judgment at all. But after doing that so many times,
Speaker 1: you're like, this is gross and I hate myself and
Speaker 1: I don't want I don't want to use this as
Speaker 1: like this isn't a dollar, right right? Well, I mean,
Speaker 1: but yeah, we can. We we've we've talked about that before.
Speaker 1: How are we women are kind of we kind of
Speaker 1: learned that we can use our body as currency and
Speaker 1: then sometimes you can get wrapped up in it for sure,
Speaker 1: right Okay? Well, I mean and but I think all
Speaker 1: of this stuff comes back down to because I would
Speaker 1: have towards the end of me like cooking up with
Speaker 1: a bunch of guys. I love that feeling of like
Speaker 1: it was so rare that I had a crush on somebody.
Speaker 1: So when I did, I was like, yes, I love
Speaker 1: this and and and sleeping around, and every time I
Speaker 1: would leave their place, I would just feel like ship.
Speaker 1: And then so when you do it enough times and
Speaker 1: you're like, yeah, I don't, I don't want to feel
Speaker 1: this way anymore, and then you just it's like it's
Speaker 1: like you're just constantly adjusting your lifestyle, what you do
Speaker 1: so that you're okay. But but at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, it's all about how you feel about yourself,
Speaker 1: because then you can forget being forgiving towards yourself, I
Speaker 1: think is something that's the hardest thing for any human being,
Speaker 1: which is kind of crazy. It's so hard, Yeah, just
Speaker 1: to take take it easy on yourself and be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: well I did all this ship because I was living
Speaker 1: repressed life, so of course I did. It's so so hard.
Speaker 1: How do you learn to forgive yourself? I mean, does that?
Speaker 1: Does God help you with that? Or the only my
Speaker 1: brother really helps man is and my brother I think
Speaker 1: is really fascinating because I have tolder brother's the oldest one,
Speaker 1: you know, it's it's I don't want to say he's
Speaker 1: an atheist, but like whatever, he's I don't I don't know.
Speaker 1: But my other brother was definitely like an atheist, and
Speaker 1: then he became a Buddhist, and then he was about
Speaker 1: to become a partner at like a huge law firm
Speaker 1: and that's all about money, and he became a Christian
Speaker 1: because he was like, my I don't want to value
Speaker 1: this more than like it was a really interesting it
Speaker 1: was a really interesting progression because money can go away,
Speaker 1: because it can go away, right, So he always reminds
Speaker 1: me that, like if I don't love myself, if I
Speaker 1: don't forgive myself and see myself as like God's idea,
Speaker 1: I can't extend that love to others. I can't extend
Speaker 1: that forgiveness to others. And I would never want to
Speaker 1: treat others a way I treat myself. Actually, well, I
Speaker 1: mean I woying to agree with that, because I think
Speaker 1: it's something that we talked about a lot here, is
Speaker 1: like you've got to take care of yourself before you
Speaker 1: take care other people, because with self help and everything,
Speaker 1: people think you know to take time to take care
Speaker 1: of you as selfish, But I think it's much more
Speaker 1: selfish to get other people involved in your mess totally
Speaker 1: you don't have to think about it or someone else
Speaker 1: can do a hundred percent. I just minus god. I
Speaker 1: mean it's not that I don't agree with it, just
Speaker 1: in my equation, it's not but same same thing, totally yeah,
Speaker 1: And I really feel and I really really feel like that,
Speaker 1: uh yeah, are you at peace with how you live
Speaker 1: your life and what you've done and what you will
Speaker 1: do and what you're doing now? Are you like I
Speaker 1: don't know something of it? I don't know. I could
Speaker 1: tell that you don't know, and you're like kind of
Speaker 1: wanting to know, but maybe putting pressure on wanting to know.
Speaker 1: That's what it does for me, really, yeah, yeah, Like
Speaker 1: I can't decide if I'm at a good place or
Speaker 1: a bad place, or what I'm doing is right or wrong,
Speaker 1: and I just think it to death and I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just gonna get up and then think
Speaker 1: about something else and then yeah, I feel um. But
Speaker 1: I feel strongly about being totally transparent about it. Is
Speaker 1: that I feel scared most of the time. And I
Speaker 1: feel like I wish I knew, like I was scared
Speaker 1: of what like purpose? And I you know, am I
Speaker 1: wasting my time? And what am I supposed to be
Speaker 1: doing and you know, all these things. Like like when
Speaker 1: I was on my way over here today, I was
Speaker 1: just like, okay, I have to let go, Like I
Speaker 1: have to let go of what I what I think
Speaker 1: I want, I have to let go of what I
Speaker 1: think things need to be. And I do feel like
Speaker 1: I'm in a place today where I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: I don't know, I have no clue. If no clue,
Speaker 1: because no one really no one does it is okay,
Speaker 1: which is like the most satisfying, Like when I realized,
Speaker 1: when I like realize, like we're all all going to
Speaker 1: die and it's fine, and we're all gonna sunk up
Speaker 1: and we're all going to do great and we're all
Speaker 1: going to be poor and we're all gonna be rich.
Speaker 1: We're it's like just exist. Just existing feels good if you,
Speaker 1: if you, if it's not clouded by am I doing
Speaker 1: this right? I'm making enough money, I might doing my career.
Speaker 1: You know, it's so easy to get swept up in that.
Speaker 1: It is. It's really easy. But does existing feel good
Speaker 1: to everyone? Can I see? I mean, I mean I'm
Speaker 1: sure it doesn't. Life that are lives that are so
Speaker 1: miserable and like I feel like yeah, yeah, because I
Speaker 1: mean like it's like I even feel lucky that like
Speaker 1: I get to get up every day and like do
Speaker 1: what I like, what I set out to do, I'm
Speaker 1: doing it. Very few people can say that, like I
Speaker 1: set out to be a stand up comedian, I am
Speaker 1: a stand up comedian. And that's all. Like that I
Speaker 1: am paying for my life and everything that I need
Speaker 1: through stand up comedy. That's amazing. That's sometimes I have
Speaker 1: to stop and be like, you're fucking stand up comedian
Speaker 1: in New York City, right. But that's why I always
Speaker 1: think that that people don't realize that they can sounds
Speaker 1: so fu cheesy, but unlocking what they're truly capable of.
Speaker 1: Like people don't understand what they're truly capable of. Because
Speaker 1: when I was a little kid, I said to myself,
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna be at a point in my life
Speaker 1: where I have fans, I'm gonna sign autograph, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get photographed, I'm gonna go on a red carpet, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna I'm gonna have my name, my name on a
Speaker 1: theater marquee. That's something I'd always and I just I
Speaker 1: was like, it's gonna happen. I don't know how well.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you said it, but the thing is, there
Speaker 1: are a lot of people who say that, but then
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't actually do it either because
Speaker 1: they don't put in the work, they don't actually have
Speaker 1: the talent, or I think interest change and fade and
Speaker 1: and and ebb and flow, and I feel like people
Speaker 1: feel guilty so they just stick with saying that they
Speaker 1: want that and that's not really what they want. Because
Speaker 1: I feel like when there's a fire in you, you know,
Speaker 1: see and I'm talent to each other. I'm really jealous
Speaker 1: of this though, because I feel like I don't have
Speaker 1: the right to be like I'm gonna get that, because
Speaker 1: I'm like, what if that's not what I'm supposed to do.
Speaker 1: It's not the right, it's not it's I don't I
Speaker 1: never thought I deserve that. It's not a thing. I
Speaker 1: want this, and I am going to do everything I
Speaker 1: can until I fucking to get this love without you know,
Speaker 1: without throwing people under busses. I mean in a way
Speaker 1: where where you can leave, because I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: very early on, I mean, I've been in this business
Speaker 1: for a really long time because I worked in management before,
Speaker 1: and just like it's it's dirty and I feel gross
Speaker 1: a lot of the time. It's a bad business. It's
Speaker 1: really bad, and it's so hard to come to terms
Speaker 1: with the business that you know sometimes makes you feel
Speaker 1: so good and so connected and and and like you're
Speaker 1: doing everything right on a level that you've never experienced
Speaker 1: before with anything else. But then it's also made me
Speaker 1: feel more disgusting and more angry at society and humanity
Speaker 1: than anything else. So it's like back to that Kate
Speaker 1: wool thing where you have to just like let those
Speaker 1: two cards of the entertain like it co exists and
Speaker 1: try to do your best tonight, you know, not be
Speaker 1: shitty right right, It's and it's hard and something and
Speaker 1: like there are hundred percent times in the entertainment business
Speaker 1: when you have to make the vays to when being
Speaker 1: not shitty means not getting getting unfortunately, when that hinders
Speaker 1: your progress. But at the same time, at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, it's gonna it's like that risk of
Speaker 1: it's gonna just feel better to stick with what I
Speaker 1: believe in and stand up for myself or is it
Speaker 1: going to feel better to sacrifice and kind of and
Speaker 1: then get it, and it always feels better to stand
Speaker 1: up always, even sometimes it hurts your soul just a moment,
Speaker 1: but yeah, yeah, yeah, but it does. Do you have
Speaker 1: any final thoughts? No, I just think anything else you
Speaker 1: want to Thanks for being being on and being open.
Speaker 1: I was excited to talk to somebody about not fucking
Speaker 1: please don't say bad things about me because but oh
Speaker 1: sense it already recorded the intro. Dude, we've had articles
Speaker 1: written about us referring to us as come dumb stir
Speaker 1: and that really I got to say, I don't get
Speaker 1: offended about ship and I was. I was like, see,
Speaker 1: nothing to offend me because of the source. It didn't
Speaker 1: offend me. But I was like, I wish people weren't that.
Speaker 1: I wish we could hate themselves that much. But that
Speaker 1: makes me feel bad for that person, right exactly. But
Speaker 1: I mean, people are gonna I'm gonna say a bet
Speaker 1: you all time, but then you just try and yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm you guys are amazing And I think this, this
Speaker 1: was like, this was such a great thing to get
Speaker 1: up for today, you know what I mean to be like,
Speaker 1: that's exciting happening soon actually tonight I go into a
Speaker 1: rewrite session or when are you performing it? Do you
Speaker 1: know yet? I don't know. I was. I'm in development
Speaker 1: with a specific theater here. So it's been a long process.
Speaker 1: And we'll see their name for the show yet that
Speaker 1: we could look out for. Yeah, I think it's going
Speaker 1: to be called you are here about moving so much
Speaker 1: to blah blah blah blah blah. Actually, and where can Morris?
Speaker 1: You are here? Where can we find you online? Social
Speaker 1: media website? So my Twitter is Ash Austin Morris. I
Speaker 1: didn't make that so cool? Yeah, and you look like
Speaker 1: so not because I because I I'm so crappy at
Speaker 1: this stuff. Yeah, I'm so crappy at using Twitter at
Speaker 1: all of it. Yeah, that's so that. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of unnecessary nonsense, I know. But you guys are really
Speaker 1: good at it. I mean it and your maids me
Speaker 1: more than anything else. I mean the amount of time
Speaker 1: I've spent angry on Twitter. I wish I could get
Speaker 1: that bad eat. I mean, really a lot of days.
Speaker 1: I want to become so successful that I don't have
Speaker 1: to use Twitter. That's what I want. That's the drink.
Speaker 1: Meryl Streep is not. She's fucking gardening or making glassware
Speaker 1: she's definitely either of those two. I don't need or
Speaker 1: like successful really that I don't need a phone. That
Speaker 1: if someone needs me, they can fucking drive a car
Speaker 1: from my friend store and knock. That is the goal.
Speaker 1: No one talks to me ever. Oh God, on that note,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, Thank you. This has been guys.
Speaker 1: We fuck the Anti splat Shaming podcast asked, we'll talk
Speaker 1: to you next week. Skirt. I've been all along ship
Speaker 1: because I've been on my going ship, because I've been
Speaker 1: on my collar ship while I just get my dollars.
Speaker 1: Oh mama, I'm gonna make you proud. Oh Mama, don't
Speaker 1: make a sound. O city about to get out. Just
Speaker 1: give me some time now to be the best thing
Speaker 1: in world. Get me. They don't eat see all. I
Speaker 1: hates to new levels man trying to raise. They won't
Speaker 1: be happy till I dropped to my knees man and
Speaker 1: staying weak. Now till I dropped to my knees man
Speaker 1: and stay we I go. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, I've been good.
Speaker 1: I've been good. I've been good. I've been doing everything
Speaker 1: like I said that I would. Hey, I've been good.
Speaker 1: I've been good. I've been good. I've been doing everything
Speaker 1: like you know that. Thank you so much for listening, Guys.
Speaker 1: This episode of Guys We've is brought to you by
Speaker 1: talk Space, the online therapy company that believes therapy should
Speaker 1: be affordable, confidential, and convenient. A talk Space therapist can
Speaker 1: help you put on you on the path to a
Speaker 1: happier life. For special offer for our listeners, visit talk
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