Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys we Book.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina, I'm Correnn. We're sorry about last night, the
Speaker 1: anti slut shaming podcast. I never stopped. Oh. Hello, fucker's
Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Guys We Fucked. It's the
Speaker 1: anti slut shaming podcast. I'm Karren, I'm Christina. Hey, Hey, Hey.
Speaker 1: Today's show is sponsored by talk Space, the online therapy company.
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Speaker 1: bucks off your first month. That's gw LEF at talk
Speaker 1: space dot com slash g w F. Stephen uses talk
Speaker 1: Space and he fucking loves it, and that guy's very
Speaker 1: picky talk Space. Even my boyfriend likes it. Come see
Speaker 1: us live tomorrow, Saturday, December two, Wendy Starling and I
Speaker 1: are co hosting another edition of Glamour Puss. This is
Speaker 1: a starts at seven thirty at Zinc Bar in the
Speaker 1: West Village UM. This one is going to be such
Speaker 1: a fun show. If you've never been to a Glamor
Speaker 1: Puss show, it's a goddamn treat. We open it UH
Speaker 1: each each month with characters Nina and Simone, and they're
Speaker 1: the most joy I've ever had playing another person who
Speaker 1: is in me. We're gonna have a lot of previous
Speaker 1: guys we fucked guests on the lineup. P d Dia Brew.
Speaker 1: That's how you pronounced his last name right? One of
Speaker 1: my favorite people. I don't know how to pronounce. How
Speaker 1: do you say to Brew? I think okay, but I don't.
Speaker 1: I also don't know. Pet's a ship and he's the
Speaker 1: hope of the hood. We just call him Pet when
Speaker 1: you're just call yours. And Mayron Gagani is going to
Speaker 1: be on the lineup as well, and there are two
Speaker 1: of my favorite comedians, So come on. Buy tickets are
Speaker 1: fifteen bucks. You can find the link in the description
Speaker 1: of this very podcast episode that you are listening to
Speaker 1: now UH Nashville Tennessee on Friday December eighth and Saturday,
Speaker 1: December nine. We're gonna be at Zany's co headlining. Uh,
Speaker 1: those ticket sales look like shit, so buy tickets. What
Speaker 1: you beg We see a lot of Instagram comments, a
Speaker 1: lot of crying face emojis. Come to Nashville. We're coming
Speaker 1: to Nashville, So right before Chris comes to see us,
Speaker 1: please buy tickets. Please. We need we need we otherwise
Speaker 1: we definitely can't come back. This is gonna be like
Speaker 1: funk that noise. Yeah, I like see. I guess he's
Speaker 1: no one likes these girls. It's it's our It's an
Speaker 1: all new show. It's not the experience anymore. We're gonna
Speaker 1: be co had lining, tons of material that you haven't
Speaker 1: seen before, and plus some surprises that are called surprises
Speaker 1: because we don't know what they are. Yeah, they'd be great.
Speaker 1: They're gonna be really So we put on a good show.
Speaker 1: We really do. Um and other cities that we're gonna
Speaker 1: be in for our new touring show that we've developed,
Speaker 1: not that we're no longer doing the Guys Who Experienced show.
Speaker 1: We are doing Karin Fisher and Christina Hutchinson present the
Speaker 1: bridget Bishop Tour. You don't know who that is? Used
Speaker 1: Google Google. Uh. Ticket links are up on our website
Speaker 1: for the following cities, Sacramento, San Francisco, and Denver. We're
Speaker 1: gonna be inside you guys. If you want tickets, go
Speaker 1: to Sorry about Last Night Comedy dot com slash tours
Speaker 1: within US, and then cities that will have ticket links
Speaker 1: up too soon, Buffalo, New York that's been highly requested. Philadelphia,
Speaker 1: you guys, can't stop with the Philadelphia and five we
Speaker 1: love Philadelphia, Portland St. Louis never been there, excited to go. Uh.
Speaker 1: And then also if you don't have plans for New
Speaker 1: Year's Eve, Seattle, Washington, I am going to be co
Speaker 1: headlining Parlor Live, which is technically in Bellevue, which I
Speaker 1: know is not, but listen, I gotta fly into Seattle,
Speaker 1: So Seattle may Uh. There's no Bellevue airport that I saw. Uh.
Speaker 1: And so I'm co headlining two New Year's Eve shows.
Speaker 1: Obviously they're both on New Ye's Eve with the wonderful
Speaker 1: comedian Steve Byrne, and so his fans are attacking the
Speaker 1: site for tickets. So if you want to see me,
Speaker 1: we gotta beat out his fans. Yeah that I say
Speaker 1: that with all due respect. Um tickets I think are
Speaker 1: like fifteen sixty bucks. But yeah, it's New Year's Eve,
Speaker 1: so it's a whole night. You spend a whole night
Speaker 1: with me. I'm gonna be there about my goddamn self
Speaker 1: because James booked a role in a movie that's shooting
Speaker 1: in a bio. I gotta I need. I need friends,
Speaker 1: is the thing. Yeah, normally I'd be fine to go
Speaker 1: back to my hotel room alone, but I do need
Speaker 1: some friends to hang out with after the ball drops.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm putting that on the table. And you know,
Speaker 1: if I'm saying this, I really mean I was gonna say.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever heard those words uttered out
Speaker 1: of your mouth, nor would I ever bet that they
Speaker 1: would come out of your mouth, right, But if you're
Speaker 1: gonna be crazy trash, then I'll just go back to
Speaker 1: the whole rol. Don't be crazy trash, you guys trash,
Speaker 1: not trash trash. I just don't want I just I
Speaker 1: don't want any vombit on my dress. Uh uh. And
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Speaker 1: gift this year. In my family's um white elephants. I
Speaker 1: hope those people aren't less than I. Oh no, we
Speaker 1: had we already had an agreement that Nauld was in
Speaker 1: the podcast and also good for the less important nights
Speaker 1: of Hanukah, which we yeah exist. So basically anything except
Speaker 1: the first and last night, you're gonna give small ticket items.
Speaker 1: That's my mother would say. And this next ad last
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Speaker 1: is addicted to blue Apron. He loves it so much,
Speaker 1: and he was telling me the other day he has
Speaker 1: his whole routine where he chops all the things and
Speaker 1: then he gets pours himself a glass of wine and
Speaker 1: then he mixes all the things together and does what
Speaker 1: he has say. I'm like dad. I never saw in
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Speaker 1: Better Way to Cook. M M. I'm hungry. I'm so hungry.
Speaker 1: So Stephen's not here. He's usually in his office downstairs
Speaker 1: when we record, but I kind of told him to
Speaker 1: beat it because I wanted to talk about something. He
Speaker 1: removed himself. Yeah, he doesn't um uh. He has a
Speaker 1: celebratory day for him only that is coming up. He
Speaker 1: just hates when people know it's his birthday. But that's
Speaker 1: what it is, and it's very vague. We don't know
Speaker 1: what it is exactly. But don't wish him a happy birthday.
Speaker 1: He'll he'll get in a bad mood and then he'll
Speaker 1: transfer that bood mood back onto me and I'll need
Speaker 1: that ship. So do not the bood food. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: I was asking him, like, what do you want to do.
Speaker 1: Let's do something fun and we're working on a project
Speaker 1: right now that's requiring a lot of our time during
Speaker 1: the day for us to be away and uh, and
Speaker 1: so you know, I was like, oh, I can, maybe
Speaker 1: we can. Uh. Would you be interested in a three way?
Speaker 1: And he's like no, because he just doesn't like the
Speaker 1: anniversary of the day was born a lot. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm if you're gonna be in a bad mood, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to invite another person into that experience. That's
Speaker 1: gonna piss me off and it's not respectful to them.
Speaker 1: That's high stakes also because if it goes poorly, then
Speaker 1: it's like your birthdays. But then he was like, I
Speaker 1: just want to have sex with you. I was like,
Speaker 1: because we really haven't been fucking that much lately at all,
Speaker 1: just because either busy, but I've been getting into this
Speaker 1: routine lately where he'll go to bed early. I'm turning
Speaker 1: into a night owl ever since we wrote that fucking book.
Speaker 1: My my my clock, internal clock is fucked up, and
Speaker 1: I'll go to bed at like two or three am,
Speaker 1: and even if I have to get up early the
Speaker 1: next day, which is not fun for anybody around me,
Speaker 1: us to deal with me. But so we've been it's
Speaker 1: not like we don't sleep. We sleep in the same bed,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't feel like it because we don't like
Speaker 1: wake someone up when you go to bed right right
Speaker 1: wakes up. But I feel like it's like decreased our
Speaker 1: bond a little bit. And so and he talked about that.
Speaker 1: He's like, well, you know, we never go to bed
Speaker 1: at the same time, and like, I know, it makes
Speaker 1: me feel like we're not dating anymore. And he's like,
Speaker 1: I know, like it sucks. I I go to bed
Speaker 1: now earlier because I reset my clock for James. Because
Speaker 1: I also I don't like like sending someone to bed.
Speaker 1: H Well, that's good. Yeah, well or just like you
Speaker 1: know it just I do. I like going to bed together.
Speaker 1: It is a bonding thing. And He's absolutely right, and
Speaker 1: I was feeling it too, so I was like, Okay, yes,
Speaker 1: so it's just gonna be you and me and we're
Speaker 1: gonna plan like a fuck fest. But I'm gonna plan
Speaker 1: a fuck fest and I'm gonna show up. I think
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do is uh because by the time
Speaker 1: you will have listened to this edited, it will already happen.
Speaker 1: Hope it goes well. I'm like, we have so many
Speaker 1: sex toys, so I'm gonna tie we have bed restraints,
Speaker 1: uh huh on all four corners of our bed, which
Speaker 1: we have for a real long time. I was saying.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's interesting that you're talking about this
Speaker 1: before that. I know, Well, see how it goes. I'll
Speaker 1: report back next week. Um. But I'm like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is actually this is really exciting and uh. And I
Speaker 1: we purchased an outfit I think it was it was
Speaker 1: in Toronto. It was on a road gig that we
Speaker 1: went to a sex shop. It wasn't in Toronto because
Speaker 1: I know we were going to go to a strip
Speaker 1: club or something and then go home and fuck um.
Speaker 1: And it was this dress. It was like this really tight,
Speaker 1: like pleathery black material and it's fucking hot outfit. So
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna wear that because I don't have
Speaker 1: time to go to a lingerie store to pick out something,
Speaker 1: because the hours that we're working or the hours that
Speaker 1: a store will be open. And also I fucking went, yeah,
Speaker 1: but he loves lingerie and I've never spent the time,
Speaker 1: And I'm saying, like, as long as you have something,
Speaker 1: I got something, I would prefer for it to be
Speaker 1: something he's ever seen before. I've never bought a garter belt.
Speaker 1: Those are so hot and I really wanted to get
Speaker 1: one of those, but I don't. I can't. I can't
Speaker 1: get to a store in time. So I'm gonna wear that.
Speaker 1: But I think I'm like, what am I gonna do?
Speaker 1: How am I gonna So I'm gonna put all the
Speaker 1: ship before we go to work tomorrow. I'm gonna take
Speaker 1: all the props I'm gonna use for a sex night.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put them upstairs. That way, when I come
Speaker 1: home from work, i'm gonna change. Hopefully he'll stay downstairs.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Um, so I can't just make him
Speaker 1: stay downstairs because then it just makes it feel like
Speaker 1: it's all this build up for what Wait, what do
Speaker 1: you I just gonna come downstairs in that dress? I
Speaker 1: was gonna say, I have a better way to wait
Speaker 1: execute this. Please tell if you're not sure he's gonna
Speaker 1: come downstairs to put it in before we leave tomorrow
Speaker 1: and just put pants on because you have it's winter,
Speaker 1: so it's the perfect time to do this. You have
Speaker 1: a long coat on, and then and then even if
Speaker 1: he does like basically can just like walk in go
Speaker 1: to the bathroom, and then you have much less time
Speaker 1: for him to funk up his own surprise. Oh that's
Speaker 1: a good points. God damnit. Currency I'm glad to talking
Speaker 1: this out right now. And then I was like, should
Speaker 1: we should I do couch bed and funk on the
Speaker 1: couch because it's a very sturdy bed. That's fine. It's
Speaker 1: a king size bed. It's huge, So that's a little
Speaker 1: different because I could still put the restraints on there.
Speaker 1: So ideally though, I would set all that up while
Speaker 1: he's downstairs. But that's that's a lot. Wait, can you
Speaker 1: can you hide things today before that you'll know where
Speaker 1: they are. Yeah, I probably can, because I'll probably a
Speaker 1: blade again and you'll go to better. Yeah. I was
Speaker 1: gonna say, I think maybe just hide them because like, yeah,
Speaker 1: this is too much work. You're you're you're making that
Speaker 1: You're gonna make it stressful for yourself, as is the
Speaker 1: typical Christina fashion. Yeah, so that's the A lot of
Speaker 1: times with these plans, I end up stressing myself out
Speaker 1: with executing it. And you know, too much to do.
Speaker 1: So you want to make this as simple for yourself
Speaker 1: as possible. Come in almost prepared, Like if you want
Speaker 1: to fix your makeup or like your hair, just do
Speaker 1: it all in the bathroom at work before we leave,
Speaker 1: and then um yeah, and then then come home funk
Speaker 1: ready and then like yeah, so when you come home,
Speaker 1: like you in the car, you'll be like, relax, it's winter,
Speaker 1: so you're not gonna sweat, which is a nice bone.
Speaker 1: And then you have the stuff set up so that
Speaker 1: you know where it is. And I was gonna high heels.
Speaker 1: So he loves high heels. Yeah, high heels. Um, but
Speaker 1: also too Okay, so this is a question I have
Speaker 1: for you. Um, he's the dumb in our relationship. You know,
Speaker 1: And so is it weird that maybe because I can't
Speaker 1: order him to do stuff to me, because that's not
Speaker 1: a sub that's not usually a dynamic you never switch. No,
Speaker 1: it's just it's not I have before in previous relationships
Speaker 1: with our saying it's just that's just our chemistry is
Speaker 1: such that it would be we I've tried, and it's weird.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want to be dumbed by me. I don't
Speaker 1: want him to die, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: so that's that makes sense, that's just sur vibe. But
Speaker 1: I don't know how to do things. I mean, definitely
Speaker 1: gonna blow him, but I always blow them. Um, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have the narrows ready, which is a fun toy,
Speaker 1: and then I'll have my sex toys up like ready
Speaker 1: by the bed. I just don't know how to Like
Speaker 1: it's weird because he's the one that does like one
Speaker 1: time in our God when we were first dating, and
Speaker 1: he only has done this once and I've told him
Speaker 1: I fucking loved it. He like made me crawl around
Speaker 1: the apartment that was so hot. But how do I say,
Speaker 1: maybe crawl on the apart a bitch? Maybe I just
Speaker 1: start drawing well, I mean it's but it's not your
Speaker 1: birthday to you. I know. But it's hard to lead
Speaker 1: when our relationship is dumb. I mean, I think basically
Speaker 1: what you do is so you, I mean out. It's hard.
Speaker 1: It's hard because he we don't know when he's gonna
Speaker 1: come up, and he seems to be a little curious
Speaker 1: kitty curious kitting now, always speaking his little hand up.
Speaker 1: So Mr Wilson, I think, I mean, yeah, so you
Speaker 1: want to be as prepared as possible because I don't
Speaker 1: think you have a ton of time to work. Once
Speaker 1: you walk in the door. It's like if you're home
Speaker 1: all day and like you're out a long time, he's
Speaker 1: just gonna want to you know, naturally when I want
Speaker 1: to see you as soon as you come in. So
Speaker 1: I mean you could do something so that you're basically
Speaker 1: um ready, uh, and so that you can kind of
Speaker 1: like just drop your coat and then just like happy birthday,
Speaker 1: do what you want with me. I was gonna say
Speaker 1: something like do whatever you want with my body. Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: an't because well I was like I don't thick in
Speaker 1: the I didn't know what you could say sexually sexily
Speaker 1: without making your yourself or him laugh because I don't
Speaker 1: know exactly what you don't have. We do not have
Speaker 1: a laughing dynamic during sex. He always points out to
Speaker 1: me that I am very serious at the only time
Speaker 1: in my life, in my entire life, that I am
Speaker 1: serious as well. We're fucking and we've tried. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can laugh during sex, and I've tried it, and
Speaker 1: then he was like, that's not right. I can't, that's
Speaker 1: not you. It's weird. So I'm like, Okay, you don't
Speaker 1: like it either, motherfucker. So uh, I was gonna say, yeah,
Speaker 1: like do what you want to me kind of line, Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you all? I mean, can you have it set up?
Speaker 1: Do you like you can remote control your music or yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I could do airplay Apple TV. So just I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: just set up any anything you can tonight to really
Speaker 1: save yourself time. And I mean there's a lot of
Speaker 1: like drawers and stuff around here that I think you
Speaker 1: could that I don't thin He'll be looking in and
Speaker 1: he's very he's not like that that you can have everything,
Speaker 1: like even I don't know what's in that, but like
Speaker 1: you can like literally like bcr oh, is there one
Speaker 1: that's empty? And there's one I if anything, I could
Speaker 1: empty and put the ship in my office, like I think,
Speaker 1: like I have it, Like it would be cool to
Speaker 1: like have a drawer and like all you have to
Speaker 1: do is put like a silences like open me on it,
Speaker 1: and like everything is lined out up like kind of
Speaker 1: like a weird like clinical way, but like it Like yeah,
Speaker 1: I hate to say, like, uh, choose your weapon. What's
Speaker 1: the fucking movie that we always go to see did
Speaker 1: and make fun of it? So yeah, but like the
Speaker 1: way they have things arranged in that room, I think
Speaker 1: it's very tasteful. Yeah, And you could put like if
Speaker 1: you have some kind of like a cloth or something
Speaker 1: that you can line to draw and then just line
Speaker 1: everything out and let him choose what he wants to use. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's fun, and then I'll have stuff for me and
Speaker 1: stuff for him. Yeah, so if he wants youse stuff,
Speaker 1: I'll make great. But that's his choice. It's his birthday.
Speaker 1: And then you can always open with a blowjob. I
Speaker 1: mean that's always its typical kind of really want him
Speaker 1: to make me crawl around the apartment. But I just
Speaker 1: guess he just has to want that on his own.
Speaker 1: I really, he's definitely not editing this tonight, right, No,
Speaker 1: he's not. I told him not to. He's getting on Wednesday, okay,
Speaker 1: because I was just like, what if he just really
Speaker 1: wants to get things done? But tell him not. Okay,
Speaker 1: Well that's why he left anyway, because he's like, what
Speaker 1: are you talking about up there? I'm leaving? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: effect yeah, So I think that'll be fun. I hope
Speaker 1: it goes well, it's exciting. We've never really I realized
Speaker 1: it's been so long since we were, like, let's plan
Speaker 1: like a time to fuck. The only time I do
Speaker 1: that is when a natural disaster is impending except for
Speaker 1: her games, dandy sorry girl. Oh yeah, Well I tried
Speaker 1: my darn just to get Frank to come over. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad he did. And I would have been fun.
Speaker 1: It would not have been downstairs was off limits. It
Speaker 1: would have been terrible and horrible. But I mean unless
Speaker 1: like free Starbucks sandwiches that wouldn't don't more buttle flesh
Speaker 1: like he could use that. Because I was so close,
Speaker 1: I was so close to convincing him. I was, I
Speaker 1: was on the edge. And then remember that Brooklyn was
Speaker 1: call call call in his name. Well fuck Brooklyn, Brooklyn Forever.
Speaker 1: I know we have a lot of listening. There's there
Speaker 1: and I lived there, but also, yeah, this is it
Speaker 1: convenient to get to. But yeah, I'm so excited and
Speaker 1: I brought I purchased candles that are the electric kind
Speaker 1: that they have that natural candle flicker, but if you
Speaker 1: knock them over because you're fucking no fire. I love
Speaker 1: fake candles. I think fake candles are my new thing.
Speaker 1: I think they're great. I think I'm boarding them now.
Speaker 1: I'm buying too many. I have classy friends who have
Speaker 1: them in their apartment and it doesn't make me think
Speaker 1: less of them. Oh good, Like you know how sometimes
Speaker 1: fake stuff can look like like a fake plant, like
Speaker 1: fun out of here root. Oh if you have fake
Speaker 1: fruit on your own kitchen table, you're living your life
Speaker 1: for someone else. You need to start living for yourself.
Speaker 1: Ain't no nutrients in those wax ass fruits. So I
Speaker 1: used to love pushing them, like the styrofoams, the funds,
Speaker 1: to touch the wax ones and like to fake bite. Um.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so cool. Okay, Well, may have forced be
Speaker 1: with you. Thank you. I'm I hope it goes well.
Speaker 1: Are you ordering food or food that's the other things
Speaker 1: always my number one concern. Oh no, but I was
Speaker 1: white concerned too. I think we're going to order food
Speaker 1: after right, New York City, we can get things anytime,
Speaker 1: and you live in a great food area. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: we'll do that. Yeah for me, I mean my option
Speaker 1: is usually one of three Kennedy Fried chickens. But you know,
Speaker 1: you dig out, hey, you digure out. You know, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't mind if they didn't take you know, fifty five minutes.
Speaker 1: That's too long in New York, seamless time. I want
Speaker 1: to see a thirty five or under. Yeah, dude, I
Speaker 1: use Uber eats and they they break shipped to me
Speaker 1: from across the island in twenty minutes. I'm like, God, damn,
Speaker 1: you spoil them Uber Eats. I know, it's like a
Speaker 1: Nathan's hot dog, but like from the one from Coney Island.
Speaker 1: Just one though, just listening to go to the boardwalk,
Speaker 1: let it waft in the boardwalk air, and then bring
Speaker 1: it to me. Yeah, and cotton candy on the way. Um, alright,
Speaker 1: so that night sounds good, and also maybe this night
Speaker 1: from this listener sounds good. Uh this email is says
Speaker 1: I fantasize about getting fucked by dogs. Say what, let's
Speaker 1: get into it. Oh boy, Hi Current and Christina, longtime
Speaker 1: listener of the podcast. I love and look forward to
Speaker 1: your podcast every week as if as it makes my
Speaker 1: commu at home from work fly by. A little about me, well,
Speaker 1: I feel like I don't want we got one fact
Speaker 1: on you need more. I am a twenty three year
Speaker 1: old straight female female. Okay, Oh, I feel like dogs,
Speaker 1: even when they're female, are kind of masculine. We did
Speaker 1: see that one hot dog, hot dog, it was an
Speaker 1: attractive dog. They really man. If that was a guy,
Speaker 1: we probably want to them. That was weird anyway, I
Speaker 1: mean they do have like who I was taken back
Speaker 1: by that dog. Okay, So anyway to skin and I
Speaker 1: also joke a lot about sucking dogs, so everyone's gonna
Speaker 1: be like, this is weird. A little about me again?
Speaker 1: Back to the email. Not not me, Karin Fisher, A
Speaker 1: little about me. I'm a twenty three year old street female.
Speaker 1: I've been with my now fiance coming up on five years.
Speaker 1: He has my absolute best friend and I love our relationship,
Speaker 1: friendship and sex life. Just mu okay again, I'm just
Speaker 1: adding I'm adding here boy, here, boys I mean, hey, baby,
Speaker 1: he isn't why I'm writing you, but I wanted to
Speaker 1: included this information, as well as the fact that this
Speaker 1: is something I have never spoken to him or anyone
Speaker 1: for that matter. Well. Good, we're taking it. Good, we're
Speaker 1: making fun of it. Um. I started in the title
Speaker 1: of this email, or seated in the title of this email,
Speaker 1: I find myself fantasizing about getting sucked by dogs. This
Speaker 1: isn't the only fantasy that gets me off, let's have it,
Speaker 1: but it sure does the trick. When I master be
Speaker 1: to porn, I usually stick with plain Jane stuff, but
Speaker 1: occasionally find myself watching videos of women getting sucked by dogs.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well that yeah, I knew, and I think
Speaker 1: it's todds hell. I believe the stems from how I
Speaker 1: first came across porn as a kid. Your dog showed
Speaker 1: a t got something for you? I like it. We
Speaker 1: should lose our comedy license, yes, if we had one. Um,
Speaker 1: I believe I was eleven or twelve and loved the
Speaker 1: Cartoon Network show Teen Titans. I wanted to sketch some
Speaker 1: pictures of the character beast Boy and typed his name
Speaker 1: into Google, only to stumble across gay porn of extremely
Speaker 1: muscular men being fucked by dogs. At the time, I
Speaker 1: was horrified, but through that discovered the world of porn
Speaker 1: and masturbation. I think any act of a human forcing
Speaker 1: themselves onto an animal to be disgusting. But in cases
Speaker 1: where a dog is engaging, mounting, and having sex with
Speaker 1: a person, I don't see how the animal or person
Speaker 1: is being hard. I don't. I don't think I would
Speaker 1: ever allow myself to own a larger breed male dog
Speaker 1: because I do not want to ever act out on
Speaker 1: this fantasy. So I guess for advice, I want to
Speaker 1: know what are your thoughts on sex with animals and
Speaker 1: fantasies like this. Oh right, We've only talked about beast
Speaker 1: reality like one or two times before. People always get
Speaker 1: very up at arms about it. We talked about it
Speaker 1: with Dr Chris Donna Hue briefly. Um, people are so
Speaker 1: it's just like dog Jesus, one of these constraints of
Speaker 1: society and then are held back and so many facts
Speaker 1: of life, and one of them is you won't let
Speaker 1: me suck a dog? Okay, Um, yeah, animals all right.
Speaker 1: So I guess then if if she's disgusted by forced
Speaker 1: sex to animals. She's watching videos of an animal voluntarily
Speaker 1: fucking a person. How does that? Does that aim work?
Speaker 1: The thing is when she says voluntarily, she means it's
Speaker 1: a dog. And they get fucking excited when you do anything.
Speaker 1: So like Steven's parents doctry to help me a day
Speaker 1: because I sat on the floor like dogs like the
Speaker 1: like dogs were bred to their their wolves that were
Speaker 1: that were bred to be house pets, so that that's
Speaker 1: where they come down from. That's the origin story of
Speaker 1: dogs and so and you know, anyone who's ever met
Speaker 1: a dog, I've met a few, uh have one. Uh.
Speaker 1: They're loyal, loyal creatures. So they just all they want
Speaker 1: to do is make their human or the human in
Speaker 1: their life happy. And you know if that means so
Speaker 1: be it. Oh boy. So I mean I'm very against.
Speaker 1: I mean I'm very against like even like like you know,
Speaker 1: if you ever see like breeders use breeding machines, Oh
Speaker 1: my god, I mean so there you know they're they're
Speaker 1: they're constraints for the dog and the female dog and
Speaker 1: then like just you know, Dick's going in that dog.
Speaker 1: And I hate that women can't get a break no
Speaker 1: matter what female dog, just don't expand a lot, bitch
Speaker 1: side for her own Um it's not Yeah, that's not good. Uh.
Speaker 1: I gotta say for your own safety, for the safety dog,
Speaker 1: for your reputation, for any future relationships, for any future
Speaker 1: jobs you want to have, for just you hanging out
Speaker 1: in life, the existent I'm gonna have to say. This
Speaker 1: is gonna be a hard note from me. No, dog,
Speaker 1: I can't believe I worked through Randy Jackson quote into this.
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of myself. Nah, bitch. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: things that are you keep strictly in the fantasy area
Speaker 1: of your brain. But you can fantasize about stuff that's
Speaker 1: the beauty of your brain. You can consume that porn.
Speaker 1: I don't even think there's anything wrong. I mean, I
Speaker 1: guess I hope the animals aren't being I wouldn't purchase
Speaker 1: any porn that is doing that where you're were you're
Speaker 1: giving money on to the website, is giving them ad clicks.
Speaker 1: I can't believe there's that there really is anything on
Speaker 1: the internet. Yeah, it's not good for humanity. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean I would definitely why, I definitely would watch it
Speaker 1: before maybe like download one and that's your go to
Speaker 1: you know, so we don't. I mean, but the fact
Speaker 1: that you can't you're not gonna have a dog that's
Speaker 1: a large breed because you're nervously you're gonna fuck them. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's concerting a little. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing okay,
Speaker 1: there's no there's nothing wrong with having feelings. Just the
Speaker 1: same as we see they're like, we don't want I
Speaker 1: don't want to make you feel bad for having these feelings.
Speaker 1: I get sexually roused by cars all the time, and
Speaker 1: so were the same for you know how we how
Speaker 1: our kind of view on pedophilia. It's like, we don't
Speaker 1: you are not a monster for having the feelings, but
Speaker 1: acting on them. There are certain things you cannot act on.
Speaker 1: And again it's it's interesting because everyone always kind of
Speaker 1: like jumps from like, you know, being gay the fucking
Speaker 1: goats and that's a lap, but also don't fuck oats
Speaker 1: and don't fuck dogs. It's just an animal that doesn't
Speaker 1: The animal doesn't speak our language, so they can't consent.
Speaker 1: And I think with with the living things, you still
Speaker 1: have to go along the lines of consent. That's that's
Speaker 1: that's the that's the bottom line. So consent a dog
Speaker 1: can't consent in the language. Yeah, I just don't know
Speaker 1: our guests. I guess we're just slaying at a really
Speaker 1: good time. And the main thing about this passage is
Speaker 1: don't do a dog duh And I got it, say mateyo,
Speaker 1: I wish we were talking about something that was like
Speaker 1: a metaphor. It's really truly. A girl is fantasizing about
Speaker 1: dog fucking her a dog sucking her, So that's different.
Speaker 1: Hashtag meat too, Oh canine me too with a little
Speaker 1: paw print emoji. I was getting out of hand. Oh
Speaker 1: my god. Okay, anyway, our one last thing I wanted
Speaker 1: to say before we introduce our guests. If you have
Speaker 1: a band or your friend has a band and they're good,
Speaker 1: you can email streaming links to GWF Podcast Music at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Stephen Looks listens to every single um
Speaker 1: music submission and if you've submitted. He said some people
Speaker 1: submit multiple times that I didn't see it. He sees
Speaker 1: all of them, and a lot of them like it all.
Speaker 1: Either that or he's waiting for the right So that's
Speaker 1: the episode mostly probably zones. It's not it's that it's
Speaker 1: the one I said, um, but yeah, g w F
Speaker 1: Podcast music at gmail dot com for sbmissions. Okay uh
Speaker 1: and now insure to our guests, we can see him
Speaker 1: right here. He's a stand up comedian and he's co
Speaker 1: host of the podcast Inside the Closet with past g
Speaker 1: w F guest Emma Willman. Please give a warm welcome
Speaker 1: to Matteo. Lane. Try to every time, well, try to
Speaker 1: se I'm trying to retreat him. Let you know, reasus
Speaker 1: stay on finnicking on some excuse it said, so true,
Speaker 1: this shouting number, trying to stay composed, feeling like you
Speaker 1: was pulling, reaching from the room. I'm trying to retreat him.
Speaker 1: Let you know. Oh right here here with me and
Speaker 1: the tail Lane doing well. How are you good? We're
Speaker 1: so excited to talk to you. I'm excited to be
Speaker 1: on here. I have never on this show. I did
Speaker 1: a snippet when it was Pride in the Pulse Nightclub happened.
Speaker 1: But then I keep getting tweets from like your fans
Speaker 1: asking me to be on the show. Have you gotten
Speaker 1: that yet? I think so? Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: we have. There's been there's we have such a long
Speaker 1: list of like people we want to have on and
Speaker 1: this is also not me trying to kill you. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying, like, you're here, what else do you want?
Speaker 1: It's been about four years we decided to finally get
Speaker 1: around here. I am you were just saying telling us
Speaker 1: a story about how you went to a Magic Mike show.
Speaker 1: So I went with the cold Byers got more than
Speaker 1: what you paid for. I didn't want to go. I
Speaker 1: didn't want to go. Nicole Byer wanted to go because
Speaker 1: I was gonna be I don't. I was first, and
Speaker 1: I've worked with my fair shift strippers, and before I
Speaker 1: did stand up, I was I was only working with strippers. Yes,
Speaker 1: I was. No, I wish that would be. That is
Speaker 1: like the dream you could be a stripper. Maybe now
Speaker 1: I'm working out a lot now look great? Thank you.
Speaker 1: At the time, I was like probably a wag one
Speaker 1: sixty five right now, I was probably one forty. So
Speaker 1: I don't think it was anything anyone wanted to watch strip.
Speaker 1: But I was a singer trying to make it as
Speaker 1: a singer in Chicago. So like you are a man
Speaker 1: of multiple talents. Thank you. I'm single. I yeah, no
Speaker 1: gaze ever asked me how my voice is. Well, we'll
Speaker 1: put it that way, but um, I yeah. So anyways,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this got this gig. This guy
Speaker 1: was like he went from local local strip clubs in Chicago,
Speaker 1: but he was like a part of a cabaret group.
Speaker 1: I don't they worked out some deal, but of course
Speaker 1: I wanted to do it because I could pick my
Speaker 1: own music. So I would perform at every weekend at
Speaker 1: like a gay Chicago strip club. I was in Rockford.
Speaker 1: I mean it was gross and uh I had like
Speaker 1: no I admit I was. I was changing in basements
Speaker 1: that Anne Frank wouldn't hide in. And there was like
Speaker 1: a Polish stripper who had a tattoo in his chest
Speaker 1: that said never give up. And then a really bad
Speaker 1: drag queen. I won't say her name, but she said,
Speaker 1: every week I have a chance of getting RuPaul's drag race.
Speaker 1: Then so do I Like what is? And if you
Speaker 1: have to say it every week, it's not gonna not
Speaker 1: gonna happen. And still season ten I haven't seen her.
Speaker 1: She was horrible. Her husband was in charge of the
Speaker 1: whole thing, and they only they like he would buy
Speaker 1: him dresses so that he would bottom. That was their
Speaker 1: sex life, I know. And then I was like memories.
Speaker 1: I was like singing number. Yeah. So by the time
Speaker 1: it did open mics, I was like, it's very glamorous, yeah,
Speaker 1: throwing peanuts at me. Okay, so you're bring this brings
Speaker 1: us to you didn't want to go to Magic Mike
Speaker 1: Vegas with your friends because you want to see Selene, right, Okay.
Speaker 1: I was following this story pretty close in an emotional experience.
Speaker 1: If I saw Selene, I saw her and it was emotional.
Speaker 1: I don't want to make you feel bad, but you did,
Speaker 1: miss grad I know, I miss Well. We saw Share,
Speaker 1: so we saw like Okay, first of all, let me
Speaker 1: just say this. I'm going to write a bit about it.
Speaker 1: But if you want to see the most racist show
Speaker 1: that appropriates every culture on Earth, you've got to see Share.
Speaker 1: It's I know, she's very into appropriating Native Americans or
Speaker 1: I'm sorry indigenous, and she's now a little full blown afro.
Speaker 1: She's not a little bit Native American's I'm Armedian. Oh shit.
Speaker 1: I thought she does the Native American like get up
Speaker 1: so often that I thought she was half Native American. Yes, well,
Speaker 1: in the seventies, I have dark hair, so Americans just
Speaker 1: like put up with it. But she came down in
Speaker 1: like a bird cage or something, and then she had
Speaker 1: a full blown afron and I was a two black
Speaker 1: women who, like Nicole, was brought to tears by looking
Speaker 1: at Share and then like happy tears, happy, happy tears,
Speaker 1: and then um, you know I I went to the
Speaker 1: bathroom and I knew that she was doing gypsies, tramps,
Speaker 1: and thieves, and that those those numbers because I heard
Speaker 1: I was like, the people of the people do not her.
Speaker 1: It's and everyone's like, that's Share. What I mean, like,
Speaker 1: what are you gonna? What did I say to Share?
Speaker 1: My bones aren't up to snuff. Like she's just so old.
Speaker 1: I really thought she was Bartnative American. She does it
Speaker 1: so often. She she did a duet with herself and
Speaker 1: she was she didn't dance anymore. I mean, you can't.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, she's seventy one, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's great that she's up there and she's like in
Speaker 1: a thong. You know. She was great. But anyway, so
Speaker 1: we went to Magic Mike Nicole by No before Share.
Speaker 1: The night before we went to um All the thunder
Speaker 1: down Under. After Share, I thought it was it would
Speaker 1: look like laser Zone. I mean, it was so shitty
Speaker 1: and cheap, and the men the men are hot. But
Speaker 1: I just I'm shocked, like because you know gay clubs,
Speaker 1: like there's like you feel and Seymour Dick in a
Speaker 1: gay club that any Thunder down Under. And I just
Speaker 1: was so shocked by what was making these women lose
Speaker 1: their minds. I mean men who had like still like
Speaker 1: those shaved like bumps on their like you know, like
Speaker 1: happy trail. Yes, and it's like all red bumps because
Speaker 1: they don't know how to shape properly, like grinding in
Speaker 1: like forty eight year old women's faces were just like
Speaker 1: losing their minds. I was like, it's not the Beatles
Speaker 1: is bad. Herd mentality of everyone else is freaking out,
Speaker 1: So I guess I'm gonna freak out too. I guess
Speaker 1: so I was. I was the only man in both shows,
Speaker 1: like the Magic Mike was final. They had like a
Speaker 1: story or whatever. Well, so I always it was like
Speaker 1: a story. They were like, Mike wasn't magic at one
Speaker 1: point in time. That's what the story was. Yes, it
Speaker 1: was a guy named Matt was the name was Mike, right.
Speaker 1: I guess I never saw the movies, but like I
Speaker 1: guess there was I don't know anyway. So he was like,
Speaker 1: I'm just like a waiter. I mean, I know he
Speaker 1: was supposed to act like innocent. Pathy seemed a little
Speaker 1: on the spectrum, and uh the show was hosted by
Speaker 1: a woman who at one point came down on a
Speaker 1: giant unicorn. I mean, none of it made sense. And
Speaker 1: she was like, there's magic in you, Mike, essentially that
Speaker 1: and then uh, yeah, Nicole just wanted to be brought
Speaker 1: on stage and she just wanted to be fun so bad.
Speaker 1: She just wanted to be fun so bad. And not
Speaker 1: only did it not happen to magic Mike, but the
Speaker 1: sheer got pulled up on top of a piano to
Speaker 1: sing a duet, and then I got a number from
Speaker 1: one of the strippers, like a waiter came up to
Speaker 1: me and said, don't put that part. Yeah, but did
Speaker 1: they wait, did they asked to share if she could
Speaker 1: sing or they just set her face they knew who
Speaker 1: she was, like, we need you to come dance on
Speaker 1: the piano, Like she literally laid on a piano highlighted
Speaker 1: by a show. Yes, and then and then Nicole started
Speaker 1: sobbing because she was get fucked. And so Nicole's crying,
Speaker 1: drinking a giant over drink while so shear's in heaven
Speaker 1: and a stripper's like literally his number. Yeah who I
Speaker 1: went home with the next night. The next night so
Speaker 1: after okay, so you did Magic Mike after Share before
Speaker 1: before Share. Then the next time we went to see
Speaker 1: Share and then thunder Down, under Down, and then I
Speaker 1: went to go meet my Wow, that's a lot, man.
Speaker 1: You were really taking a dick, I know. And we
Speaker 1: watched an episode of Charmed before we fucked, which I've
Speaker 1: never seen before. Okay, it's a good show. How was
Speaker 1: her best sex I've ever had mind to? He must
Speaker 1: have got you at a good time time because he
Speaker 1: has a giant mirror next to his beds. I could
Speaker 1: right now be the funny face of AIDS. I just
Speaker 1: I wasn't playing safe, but he so you could watch
Speaker 1: yourself have sex, which I was like, this is cheap
Speaker 1: and gross, but it's fabulous. Yeah. But then at one
Speaker 1: point he ran to go get like a camera to
Speaker 1: film it, and I was like no, I mean I
Speaker 1: already put my ass out enough on Instagram, so it's fine.
Speaker 1: But I was like, like, that's when I'm classy, Like well,
Speaker 1: that's different than like like a sex tape or a
Speaker 1: sex like a still camera or digital his phone. He
Speaker 1: wanted it like recording. Yeah, and I grabbed someone was
Speaker 1: like no thanks, It's like all right, that's yeah, that's
Speaker 1: too much. And especially like you're known person, you can't
Speaker 1: just have that ship floating around, I know, at least
Speaker 1: not for free. Got paid for that ship. Just take
Speaker 1: out his name, that's it. Yeah, yeah, we well but
Speaker 1: then yes, I probably shouldn't be saying was it gonna
Speaker 1: sue me? But you could be talking about anybody's I've
Speaker 1: always wondered if those guys at the male strip clubs
Speaker 1: are gay or not, not all of them, and you
Speaker 1: can tell because some of them are just like dead
Speaker 1: behind the eyes. I mean when the thunder down under,
Speaker 1: First of all, it was such a bad show, I
Speaker 1: mean we I haven't laughed that hard my entire life.
Speaker 1: And then the Nicole, of course, wanted to get fucked.
Speaker 1: So what she did is she finally like we know,
Speaker 1: oh the host has a fake Australian accent, so that talks.
Speaker 1: Are you ready lighty? I felt like I was watching
Speaker 1: like the Magic Bull infomercial. Oh my god, Crocodile dundee, yes,
Speaker 1: remember that? Have you seen the Magic informercial with and
Speaker 1: then that like grizzled woman comes downstairs with like the
Speaker 1: cigarette and she's like, I hate Golic, stinking nasty Golic.
Speaker 1: Do you remember her? Oh you gotta google it? Shit,
Speaker 1: I will. I just watched it. That's that's pretty much it.
Speaker 1: I mean, they're just like they're like in three what
Speaker 1: is it? Like three pushes you can make any meal?
Speaker 1: And I was like one, like a m all right,
Speaker 1: this is so sexual, kind of three minutes long to
Speaker 1: get this chocolate liver. So why was that sex that
Speaker 1: you had with the Magic my guy? The best sex
Speaker 1: you ever? What about it? He just knew what he
Speaker 1: was doing. And also I think when you watch yourself,
Speaker 1: you like you know what to do too. Some guys
Speaker 1: just like ram it in and you know it's not
Speaker 1: it's yeah, there's a there's a dance. Essentially, I'm really
Speaker 1: not coming off great right now? No, No, how you are?
Speaker 1: I love it? How do you want to come off?
Speaker 1: Let's see if we can tailor the rest of this
Speaker 1: episode for you get good at getting So are you
Speaker 1: a bottom? Are you anything goes lame bottom? Um? I
Speaker 1: like to claim both, but I usually bottom. Any tips
Speaker 1: on how to get dick in your grass without bleeding. Yeah,
Speaker 1: first of all, they should warm you up, so they
Speaker 1: should like eat you you men and women though, because
Speaker 1: I think maybe it's not I mean, didn't do butthole
Speaker 1: is stronger. No, I mean because we have a prostate.
Speaker 1: So I don't know like the sensations of it. Because
Speaker 1: men actually get like an anal orgasm, but I know
Speaker 1: that women. That was explained to by lesbian, which what
Speaker 1: is she know about this? But she was explaining that
Speaker 1: you can get an anal orgasm through like the china
Speaker 1: on the orthing. Really, I was going to say, I
Speaker 1: one day used a vibrator on my butt hole. I
Speaker 1: was like, I just traveled down here. It just seems
Speaker 1: right right now. And I had an orgasm like by
Speaker 1: putting my vibrator up against my butt hole, and it
Speaker 1: was one that I've never had before or since. And
Speaker 1: I feel like no one believed me. But now when
Speaker 1: you google anal orgasms for women, it does come up. No,
Speaker 1: it's a thing. People have written into us about it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I also am so gay. I don't know anything about
Speaker 1: the female orgasm, So I'm the worst a lot of us.
Speaker 1: Your old star gay. Yes, I am game that very rare.
Speaker 1: I was trying to explain this to my dad over
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving A gold Star game, Yeah, I was. He was
Speaker 1: like like, I was like, well, he's not a gold
Speaker 1: Star game. My dad's just like the gold Star Gay.
Speaker 1: I know, when it comes to nicknames and shortcuts and gaze,
Speaker 1: we've we win, do you know what I mean? Like
Speaker 1: you could hearing ourselves to animals in the animal Kingdom
Speaker 1: and get it together, gays. So let's go back to
Speaker 1: when Mattea was born and came into six. My mother
Speaker 1: tells me that it was a hot summer day, five
Speaker 1: every five every birthday at five thirty in the afternoon.
Speaker 1: She texts me saying you were born at this time.
Speaker 1: But I know I have a very Italian mother. So
Speaker 1: what was your childhood like in terms of like did
Speaker 1: your mom give you the sex talk? Were you did
Speaker 1: you when you were a kid and you first got
Speaker 1: a bone? Or you Like, I think I'm gay? Like,
Speaker 1: how is that my older brother is also gay and
Speaker 1: my cousin my new yet a gay brother and I'm
Speaker 1: fascinated by the gay sibling. Yes, well, we think it's
Speaker 1: I were trying. If it's genetic, we're trying to link
Speaker 1: it back because al right, so my mom is Italian
Speaker 1: and Mexican and my dad's just like white is the
Speaker 1: driven snow. He's Irish, so I'm like the trifect of Catholicism.
Speaker 1: But my the get there. So my mom, Okay, how
Speaker 1: do I explain this? My mom is one of seven.
Speaker 1: The first five are Italian Mexican, the last two our
Speaker 1: Italian Italian. My an't married a Mexican. He had another
Speaker 1: family with another woman with three kids, named them all
Speaker 1: the same name, so they didn't confess what's the name,
Speaker 1: and it was he had Debbie, Cindy, Sherry, Jack, uh
Speaker 1: what Joaquin and um Lisa, and he had a Joaquin
Speaker 1: and a Lisa. I'm the other family, so he wouldn't
Speaker 1: confuse them. Yo, setting himself up to not funk up. Yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: we planned. He can get nameplates. You can get double
Speaker 1: up on the bicycle name plates. He he was focused
Speaker 1: on other things. Probably it sounds like my I don't
Speaker 1: know how this is the most Italian ship in the world.
Speaker 1: And my grandma remarried a Sicilian. Who's my grandpa. I've
Speaker 1: never met my real Mexican grandfather, but this is my
Speaker 1: mom was twelve, UM, but he they somehow got my
Speaker 1: uncle Jack's birth certificate changed. I don't you know, I
Speaker 1: know that's the right response. I know that's some Italian
Speaker 1: I know. So anyways, all the kids from the all
Speaker 1: the um kids on my mom's siblings, three of the
Speaker 1: five on the Mexican side are gay, and then like
Speaker 1: the five on the Sicilian side or not, So we're
Speaker 1: just assuming it's the Mexican s My my aunt also
Speaker 1: thinks my grandpa's brother was gay because he like had
Speaker 1: a women's hair. Salona did regional theater and that's two strikes.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah yeah, but he was patient zero. But he also,
Speaker 1: um was beat up a lot in high school, so
Speaker 1: my grandpa had to like like defend him or whatever,
Speaker 1: which is like super that's me in a nutshell. I
Speaker 1: wish I could do women's hair. I did theater and
Speaker 1: I was constantly made fun of. So were you beat up? Ever? Not?
Speaker 1: But there's once but I wasn't like beat up. I
Speaker 1: wasn't like throwing at a lockers. It was just a
Speaker 1: lot of like farraget, you know. I would say. I
Speaker 1: was like, was it was it because you were a
Speaker 1: feminist or were you when when were you out of
Speaker 1: the closet by eight? And before that I was working
Speaker 1: at Michael's, Like I haven't found the right girl yet.
Speaker 1: Do you want to like an eight by twelve canvas
Speaker 1: or a four by one? I know that was me.
Speaker 1: I really was that if I was my girl named
Speaker 1: Francesca and I broke up with her in the arms section?
Speaker 1: Did you ever tell or why? Orre you just like
Speaker 1: damn not doing it for me? I was sure she knew. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: but we still talk now. Oh good feeling like two months? Okay,
Speaker 1: did you do anything like no fingers just make out? No? No, no,
Speaker 1: no you ever try to blow you know? My friend Perfect,
Speaker 1: my friend Pat who's gay, said that he fingered a
Speaker 1: girl once and it was the same feeling of like
Speaker 1: when you what did he say? It's like when your
Speaker 1: whole like everything freezes and you're like you can see
Speaker 1: everything in your life happening at once. He's like, you're
Speaker 1: like floating above yourself. He's like, I've never been so
Speaker 1: scared out of out of you didn't know what he
Speaker 1: was doing. And then the women he fingered ended up
Speaker 1: becoming a lesbian. Well that's why, but okay, so you
Speaker 1: came at the closet. When did you know you were gay?
Speaker 1: Though four or three? I always so fascinated, like is
Speaker 1: there a moment or an experience or something that you see,
Speaker 1: Like I put it this way, when did you know
Speaker 1: you were straight? I did? And I started stumping stuff animals. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think it's like more like when did you know
Speaker 1: you were When? When did you come into your sexuality?
Speaker 1: Which for me was like six. I would say, I'll
Speaker 1: put six h like you know, like smoking cigarettes and
Speaker 1: he's like having like like tingles in your vagina. I
Speaker 1: would put it this way. I think being gay, um,
Speaker 1: you are you know when when you're I was fine
Speaker 1: up until like five or six, and then kids start
Speaker 1: to fall into gender roles early on. I would say
Speaker 1: maybe like around fifth fourth grade, you know, so up
Speaker 1: until then I was fine. But then when it got
Speaker 1: to middle school, when kids really fell into like liking
Speaker 1: girls and when you know, puberty hits, that's when it
Speaker 1: became very clear to me that, oh, I you know,
Speaker 1: I'm I have feelings that other people don't share. And
Speaker 1: then then it became just the game like how do
Speaker 1: I hide this? So it was a long time of
Speaker 1: like kind knew what it was. You knew, Yeah, I knew,
Speaker 1: I knew, but you're always in fear and denial. You
Speaker 1: deny it yourself. It's a very un healthy mental game
Speaker 1: you play with yourself. And I used to, like I
Speaker 1: used to have a constant checklist in my head. I'd
Speaker 1: walked down the hallways, be like walk a certain way,
Speaker 1: to stand a certain way, look a certain ways, a
Speaker 1: certain way. I mean, no, I I grew up and
Speaker 1: I was so petrified that masturbating would cause me to
Speaker 1: be pregnant one day and I was just waiting for
Speaker 1: the day. Uh No, no religion whatsoever my family, but
Speaker 1: that that's that's what I'm saying, Like, I mean, I
Speaker 1: didn't know if I was straighter. I didn't even contemplate
Speaker 1: that ship yet. But it was like no religious pressure.
Speaker 1: Never got to talk from my parents, but none of
Speaker 1: those outside sources of pressure. And I still felt guilty.
Speaker 1: I couldn't imagine having like having feelings that are just
Speaker 1: drastically different than those most of those around you. Man, Well,
Speaker 1: and why was it, like was there something or like
Speaker 1: conversations in your house that made your go to to
Speaker 1: hide it or was that something that like you felt
Speaker 1: this is different, and I need to hide this. I
Speaker 1: think you you know, like could like I think identity
Speaker 1: like now people's identity, like being an individual is very
Speaker 1: celebrated with young kids today, which was not when we
Speaker 1: were younger. I mean, it was about conforming and following
Speaker 1: suit and being like everybody else. And if you were different,
Speaker 1: you were very much you were freak or made fun of,
Speaker 1: or just anything that was strays away from the norm. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I think I just picked up on social
Speaker 1: accused me. Everyone was making fun of gay people when
Speaker 1: I was in middle school, So why would I say
Speaker 1: I was the thing that everyone hates, Like if you
Speaker 1: were if you were something they didn't like, you were gay,
Speaker 1: or you were a fag, or you were a fruitcake.
Speaker 1: You know it, just you were whatever word they could
Speaker 1: come up with. It was always about being gay. So
Speaker 1: it was like, oh, well, better not share that with
Speaker 1: anybody because everyone hates gay people. Not even did you
Speaker 1: have any close friends or anything that you led onto. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't tell anybody untill I was eighteen. Yeah, would
Speaker 1: you like school masturbate to gay porn or would you
Speaker 1: not even let yourself go there because somebody could see
Speaker 1: the browser history, I would masturbate too. I didn't start
Speaker 1: masturbating until pornun till I was like, yeah maybe like
Speaker 1: like high school, yeah, high school, I don't know, but masturbating,
Speaker 1: I mean first you always masturbated, like because we had
Speaker 1: the computer in the computer room, so like if I
Speaker 1: would I could get in there to masturbate. So and
Speaker 1: I shared a room with my brother for a long time,
Speaker 1: so it was like, no you have we'd have men's
Speaker 1: um like fitness magazines or something that I'd like try
Speaker 1: and open up and masturbate where you both like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just want to get fit. Yeah, magazines are great.
Speaker 1: Don't take about magazine is sticky kind of both was
Speaker 1: He also in a similar situation where he didn't want
Speaker 1: to say anything, came out young. He came out when
Speaker 1: he was fourteen, but he came out just to my mom.
Speaker 1: I remember, like, you didn't know. I didn't know at first.
Speaker 1: But we're not even that close. I mean to this day,
Speaker 1: I think because my family works like any any Italian family.
Speaker 1: It's like it's I grew up in the same block
Speaker 1: as my first twenty two cousins, Like we are just
Speaker 1: like this machine that works to get it's like my
Speaker 1: big Fact Creek wedding. And so when my brother came out,
Speaker 1: I think that he he he's always been a little
Speaker 1: like like a loaner, an independent, but he sort of
Speaker 1: like made his own life, and like, I think the
Speaker 1: escaped the family a little bit. Now, what were your
Speaker 1: parents reactions to him coming out? They were fine. I
Speaker 1: mean my mom actually cried because I remember my mom
Speaker 1: crying talking to him one day and I thought, what
Speaker 1: did she tell him that that she couldn't tell us?
Speaker 1: Which And now looking back and like, oh, he was
Speaker 1: telling her because you just didn't know. I found out
Speaker 1: he was gay because I found under his bed gay
Speaker 1: magazines like three years later. And were you? How did
Speaker 1: you feel? Were you pissy? Didn't tell you? Were you?
Speaker 1: I wasn't mad. I still knew I was gay, but
Speaker 1: knew I still knew not to say. And I was
Speaker 1: almost like, well, let's see how he handles it and
Speaker 1: how this goes for him, because the thing with being
Speaker 1: gay is like you're just so scared of being discovered,
Speaker 1: that's the fear. So yeah, you're just constantly hiding it.
Speaker 1: So even when I yeah, yeah, it's so funny, I
Speaker 1: don't even like think think about it now. Although the
Speaker 1: repercussions of all that are like all the things I
Speaker 1: suffered for today, like might I have issues dating men?
Speaker 1: And I have you know, identity issues, and I'm insecure
Speaker 1: and like even my body, Like all these things stem
Speaker 1: from like the lack of validation and not being able
Speaker 1: to be who you are as a young kids overcompensate
Speaker 1: for that as an adult to try and gain that
Speaker 1: exception because you're constantly covering it up. And that's what
Speaker 1: you learned. That's your first couple of years of teenager dumb.
Speaker 1: That's really those will make a huge lasting impression on
Speaker 1: who you are as a person and how your brain operates. Yes,
Speaker 1: although I do to say, like as a comedian, it's
Speaker 1: helpful because you know, there's so many stories and also
Speaker 1: people like because I've been doing comedy for like almost
Speaker 1: six years and so people like, wow, you know you
Speaker 1: got your voice really quickly. I'm like, well, no, I
Speaker 1: just was going through like a mental crisis at thirteen,
Speaker 1: so I was hyper aware of everything that I was doing.
Speaker 1: I think when you're like just a normal straight dude, um,
Speaker 1: because I do think women's sexuality is so different and
Speaker 1: they're often the target of shocking. Um that women are
Speaker 1: more hyper aware of, like how am I dressing, how
Speaker 1: am I looking? Where I go late at night, like
Speaker 1: things like that that men usually don't have to worry about.
Speaker 1: So when the when society's plan it out for you,
Speaker 1: it's almost like a fish just in a stream going
Speaker 1: and you know you're not really no to sing all
Speaker 1: these things because everything is built for you, and so
Speaker 1: subconsciously society posters, ads, TV shows, movies, close music, everything
Speaker 1: is made for you. So when you're gay or trans
Speaker 1: or anything on on the outside, you're watching all of
Speaker 1: this noticing that all of this isn't for you. So
Speaker 1: now you become hyper aware of how you act and
Speaker 1: how you perform and how you talk and how you
Speaker 1: stand everything. Yeah, so now that like I am out
Speaker 1: and I am gay, it's like all the things I've
Speaker 1: learned from when I was thirteen, I can now sort
Speaker 1: of exercise it on stage now. So yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: it makes sense a lot of time. There's very few
Speaker 1: gay comedians in the grand scheme of thing. But you
Speaker 1: know that's so interesting. Why why do you think that is? Um?
Speaker 1: You know, I think this is the first time now
Speaker 1: that gay comics are are really really doing comedy with
Speaker 1: straight people in straight clubs. Um, gay men, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I don't think a lot of people, a lot
Speaker 1: of gay men really associated with comedy when they were
Speaker 1: when they're younger, Like a lot of people like these
Speaker 1: comedy nerds, right, like these comedians like oh, I just
Speaker 1: wanted to be Richard pryor I just wanted to be
Speaker 1: George Carlin, you see an example. But they were Yeah,
Speaker 1: that those people were speaking your language. No one spoke
Speaker 1: our language until Joan Rivers and Kathy Griffin came around.
Speaker 1: For those people were that that was my language, that's
Speaker 1: my that's who was turning to William that's my language.
Speaker 1: That's how I talk so um and Margaret Show. You know,
Speaker 1: so men always sort of go to these like strong women.
Speaker 1: Those were who were sort of speaking to us. Um.
Speaker 1: But now it's like because gay's associate comedy more with
Speaker 1: women and their entertainment is more like drag queens. I
Speaker 1: was saying, I always credit drag queens with my like
Speaker 1: comedy inspiration. Like a lot of it is just hanging
Speaker 1: out spending all of my twenties and gay clubs because
Speaker 1: basically all my friends who aren't comedians are gay men.
Speaker 1: And I spent all my time in health kitchen watching
Speaker 1: drag and like the funniest fucking people I know are
Speaker 1: drag queens. But it's also it's hot, you know, Like
Speaker 1: when I first started doing comedy, it is intimidating. Like
Speaker 1: I spent my entire like running away from these types
Speaker 1: of men. Why would I continue to spend time with them?
Speaker 1: A whole and the carved out pocket in society for
Speaker 1: me to hang out and be myself, you know, talk
Speaker 1: how I want to talk, act how I want to act,
Speaker 1: and you know, and and I don't know why I
Speaker 1: was so attracted to it. I knew that if there
Speaker 1: are gay comedians and like the gay circuit, Brad locally
Speaker 1: is a really good comedian and he but he didn't
Speaker 1: is all these gay cruises and stuff and um yeah,
Speaker 1: and he's so funny. Um And I knew, but like
Speaker 1: those aren't always that's not always an option for everyone everywhere.
Speaker 1: So when I came when I was in Chicago, that's
Speaker 1: where I started comedy, it's from from you know, I
Speaker 1: don't know, it's really like a calling. I really have
Speaker 1: no idea to explain what it was that led me
Speaker 1: gra you know what, I don't. This is weirdn't even
Speaker 1: know why I like it, but I'm gonna do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I say, like, and there's a small group of us.
Speaker 1: There's me, There's Joel cam Booster, Tom Dylan is my
Speaker 1: favorite people, frankly Atti, James and Julio Torres, Solomon Georgia.
Speaker 1: But outside of like those people like, there's you know,
Speaker 1: there's really not that. And we're also wonderfully different, which
Speaker 1: I love too. And also you're not when you go
Speaker 1: on stage like you're it's you know, you are not.
Speaker 1: You're all your jokes are not like gay stuff because
Speaker 1: you're more than get your more than your sexual orientation.
Speaker 1: You're so much more than that. So it's tricky. That's
Speaker 1: my biggest criticism from a lot of people, because you know,
Speaker 1: there is no gay comic for me to look up
Speaker 1: to and say, well, how did they do it? Everyone
Speaker 1: else has someone to look up to. No matter who
Speaker 1: you are, you have someone to look up to and say,
Speaker 1: how did a black woman do it? How did a
Speaker 1: lesbian do it? How did a straight man do it?
Speaker 1: How did a black man do it? How did an
Speaker 1: Indian man do it? How did there's always someone to
Speaker 1: look up to. With gay men, there's almost no one
Speaker 1: for me to look back and say, well, what did
Speaker 1: they go through? You know, Like there's been moments where
Speaker 1: I've had to call guy Brandam and say, I'm doing
Speaker 1: I'm about to do this. Do you have any advice
Speaker 1: because there's there's so few people for me. We're all
Speaker 1: sort of figuring it out together. Yeah, like Mario Cantone,
Speaker 1: that's like he does not get the credit he deserves. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I like that honestly the most. I mean, that's who
Speaker 1: I can think of the most. Yeah, gay men headlining.
Speaker 1: It's it's like a Mario can't And you know who
Speaker 1: is to me is like Mini Mario can't. It's weird
Speaker 1: because it's like, you know, I think we're all figuring
Speaker 1: it out right now. Like you know, it's so funny
Speaker 1: because people will say, oh, people have said everything from
Speaker 1: like um, I like you because you're not too gay,
Speaker 1: or or you're not like the other guys who talk
Speaker 1: Are you talk too much about being gay? Or you
Speaker 1: don't have to talk about being gay? And it's like
Speaker 1: always criticized and I want to be like I don't
Speaker 1: mean to break this to you, but I happen to
Speaker 1: be gay. So if I talk about dating, if I
Speaker 1: talk about sex, if I talk this is so many
Speaker 1: comedians talk about exactly what. We're gonna condemn another straight
Speaker 1: man for talking about his marriage problems sixty years now. Well,
Speaker 1: I can't imagine not being so straight and floating at
Speaker 1: my face point. It's like, I'm sorry, I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about pop tarts. I can't imagine you're going on stage
Speaker 1: and I mean, you know, and I know you kind
Speaker 1: of talk about this in like not addressing that you're gay,
Speaker 1: because you kind of come out and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gay. That is what I say. I I would
Speaker 1: say I'm obviously gay, because it's because otherwise people just
Speaker 1: spend all this time obsessing over something, over over something,
Speaker 1: because people really do care so much about it, and
Speaker 1: then it's distracting and then there you're not going to
Speaker 1: get there. They're not going to get to know anything
Speaker 1: else about you. And if hopefully I become more well
Speaker 1: known and then I will have less explaining to do,
Speaker 1: but right now I'm performing for audiences that don't know me.
Speaker 1: So I say and I get criticism. You don't have
Speaker 1: to say that, And it's like you don't you mind
Speaker 1: your own business and you can mind you people give
Speaker 1: you feedback like that from friends, because if you didn't
Speaker 1: say the people, if audience doesn't know you, when you're
Speaker 1: like in the middle of the country, they're going to
Speaker 1: think it. It's like you want them to be able
Speaker 1: to focus on what the funk you're saying. I think
Speaker 1: people think that they are trying to help or are
Speaker 1: trying to think progressive and thinking like you know what,
Speaker 1: like it doesn't even matter. But but it's like, you're
Speaker 1: not in my shoes. Be in reality. I will tell
Speaker 1: you this works for me, and if this works for me,
Speaker 1: you can mind your own business. That someone tweeted at
Speaker 1: me the other day and they say, and I never
Speaker 1: clap back. I never tweet back at people. But this
Speaker 1: guy tweeted him his whole I'll read it to you.
Speaker 1: It was so stupid and dramatic, but I did give
Speaker 1: a real good clap back, love me a good clap back.
Speaker 1: And Bob the Drag Queen gave really good advice on this. Um,
Speaker 1: I suck up clapping back and get you mad, I
Speaker 1: would say, being gay, I've learned how to clap back
Speaker 1: pretty well. Um. He goes, totally encourage you to be
Speaker 1: who you are. But it's really sad one of the
Speaker 1: only gay out gay mail comedians has developed into such
Speaker 1: a lame stereotype. Sarah Silverman does not need to show
Speaker 1: hertists to get last. Put some clothes on, dude. So
Speaker 1: I wrote back. So I wrote back, Maddie g at
Speaker 1: ranking one oh one. I said, start going to open
Speaker 1: mics and be the gay comic you want to see. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I was. I did Thanksgiving at Bob the Drag
Speaker 1: Queen's house, and I was gonna be fun. It was.
Speaker 1: We were. We made um turkey sliders to Whitney Houston's
Speaker 1: Story of the World. Uh, it's fun. So I told
Speaker 1: him that, and Bob goes, why is it that if
Speaker 1: you don't act straight, you're stereotype? And it's like, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, I get naked,
Speaker 1: I show my ass. Who gives a ship it? I
Speaker 1: don't know. We both show our butts on Instagram. I
Speaker 1: love show. That's all I want to do. All you
Speaker 1: guys both got great asses. Show them all the time.
Speaker 1: I enjoy looking at both of them. When you fucking
Speaker 1: spend so much time working out, like I'm not paying
Speaker 1: like these people in these gyms for nothing. Then I'm
Speaker 1: desperate and I want attention. I'm very insecure separate reasons.
Speaker 1: I just think like this is going to go away,
Speaker 1: so I want to call this will be gone in
Speaker 1: a year, so I gotta keep this. And I also
Speaker 1: have a film degree that really needs using. So I'm
Speaker 1: like like this public cinematography angle. Where did you go
Speaker 1: to school? S B A Oh cool? I went to
Speaker 1: S A i C. Chicago, a very prestigious school, studied
Speaker 1: to illustration, fashion illustration, and painting illustrator. I worked as
Speaker 1: a professional television storyboard artist for years and fashion. That's
Speaker 1: what brought me to New York was that job? Where
Speaker 1: did you learn to do that in in college or before? Well,
Speaker 1: my mom is an artist and my brothers. My brother
Speaker 1: is one of the top designers at Apple, and my
Speaker 1: sister is like a beautiful interior, Like we all have
Speaker 1: good eyes. It's good good. It must be like in
Speaker 1: the jeans because my my art, my drawing, my mother
Speaker 1: never pushed it on as I just was like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm an obsessive personality, so like I obsessed over drawing
Speaker 1: as a kid. Um, yeah, I would look at my
Speaker 1: mom's drawings when she was the same age as me,
Speaker 1: and they looked the exact same. So it is it
Speaker 1: must be something, you know what I mean, This is
Speaker 1: not exactly that, but like I have the same handwriting
Speaker 1: as my mother. It's very weird. I never copied her
Speaker 1: or anything, but I I looked at a letter I
Speaker 1: wrote one day, I'm like, so my mom write that?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, how do the fun do I have
Speaker 1: her handwriting? Well? Hey, better find out now, you know?
Speaker 1: Then later, what was what were the circumstances when you
Speaker 1: lost your virginity? I? Oh, who oh, oh it was good.
Speaker 1: I love this Italian guy visiting from Queens who was
Speaker 1: visiting my friend Hannah, who went to school with me
Speaker 1: at Essay, I see, and um he was he really
Speaker 1: talked like this, and I was very fascinated by the
Speaker 1: East Coast as a kid, Like I remember, like I
Speaker 1: grew up in Chicago, which is like this giant city,
Speaker 1: you know, but like New York just seems so ethnic.
Speaker 1: I don't know, it just seems so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So he was like he very talked like this coffee
Speaker 1: you know, this kind of talk, and uh, he had
Speaker 1: a great dick, and he spoke Italian too, so we
Speaker 1: spoke Italian to each other. And I didn't know what
Speaker 1: I was doing, but I topped him, which was sure
Speaker 1: it wasn't great for it wasn't great for him, or
Speaker 1: you don't know, I didn't know what I was doing.
Speaker 1: It seems like a harder way to start, just to
Speaker 1: be the whole I know, but I also bottoming pain painful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not the easiest. How do you get good at it?
Speaker 1: You just do it, You just know, you get used
Speaker 1: to it. It's like riding a bicycle. Honestly awesome. We
Speaker 1: had awesome Kian as a porn star who I love,
Speaker 1: and she was like, you gotta do you know, like
Speaker 1: twenty five times in order to like enjoy it. I'm like,
Speaker 1: that seems like maybe what I don't know what kind
Speaker 1: of thing she's getting. I've done it three times. I
Speaker 1: still don't. Maybe our buttholes are different. Then maybe is
Speaker 1: not terrible, but it's not my favorite thing. And now
Speaker 1: I have I also have like inches away, like just
Speaker 1: a whole ground hole, you know. Yeah, but sometimes to
Speaker 1: get bored and like, I don't know, you just want
Speaker 1: to press somebody. I definitely can't say it is a
Speaker 1: great party trick. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you
Speaker 1: obviously have sex sober sometimes Mostly I don't drink a lot. Okay,
Speaker 1: I don't actually drink at all. Really, Yeah, you don't
Speaker 1: like it. I used to drink a lot in Chicago
Speaker 1: and then I don't know, I just got over it.
Speaker 1: I tried to drink in Vegas to Sheer and I
Speaker 1: and Nicole like we're like god drinking, like you know
Speaker 1: when you used to drink, and like what I feel
Speaker 1: that that's happening, you know, like it was so exciting
Speaker 1: and it was so thrilling. It just makes me tired
Speaker 1: these days. I get tired so fast. To bed rest
Speaker 1: for a week now great and I feel like ship
Speaker 1: the next day. So like I do, I go to
Speaker 1: the gym and I eat healthy. Well. I had reasons
Speaker 1: peanut butter cups for I came here, but and they
Speaker 1: were the good ones, not when they're dry, like you know,
Speaker 1: when you get them almost like fresh, you got the fresh. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's not how twizzlers. You can get them fresh too.
Speaker 1: I don't like a Twizzler either love them or you
Speaker 1: hate them. And it's true, very polarizing candy. What's like, um,
Speaker 1: one of the most sexually explorative or adventurous things you've done.
Speaker 1: This Chicago cop and I want he was he was
Speaker 1: dating this guy but we had just this like sexual
Speaker 1: chemistry and it was just it was like electric, it
Speaker 1: was fabulous, and he had he was so hot. Um.
Speaker 1: He may have like beat someone up and almost killed them,
Speaker 1: but like whatever's in the past. Um. Uh. So he
Speaker 1: had this boyfriend, right, and his boyfriend was like super
Speaker 1: possessive and so like whenever you were with them alone,
Speaker 1: his boyfriends was like Hi, I'm here, Hello, Hi, and
Speaker 1: you're like sharemon um because gays, you know us, we're
Speaker 1: with someone. But it's loosely interpreted, right, Like I had
Speaker 1: this guy come over, like come over, Like I like
Speaker 1: come he comes over every once in a while. We
Speaker 1: have sex and he's got a husband and it's fine.
Speaker 1: But are they open or well it's my knowledge that's told.
Speaker 1: That's what I was told. Um. And his boyfriend's Italian,
Speaker 1: which is so funny but we'll get it in a minute.
Speaker 1: But anyway, so this guy, we're at a wonderful bar
Speaker 1: in Chicago called Sidetrack, and uh, we just were like
Speaker 1: the boyfriend wasn't there, and so I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: just saying hi, blah blah blah. And we were drinking
Speaker 1: and drinking and drinking and then just like groping each
Speaker 1: other at the bar and then ran into the alley
Speaker 1: to have like alley sexy sex. Yes, and he started
Speaker 1: blowing me in an alley, which in Chicago those alleys
Speaker 1: don't touch anything, uh, And then I was like okay.
Speaker 1: So then um, I was like, well, we have to go.
Speaker 1: We weren't even done, so it's like, we gotta go
Speaker 1: to my house. He's like, you got it. So we
Speaker 1: jumped in a cab and then he started blowing me
Speaker 1: in the cab and I blew him in the cab
Speaker 1: cab right, and the guy was like, where am I going?
Speaker 1: You know? Um, sorry, I forgot you were here. So
Speaker 1: then we went to my house and had just this amazing, great,
Speaker 1: wonderful sex. Because when you're attracted to somebody for so
Speaker 1: long and you know it's electric and you're gonna fuck
Speaker 1: you when you know you're going to fuck somebody that
Speaker 1: you've been dying to fuck, is there anything better? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's that really doesn't live up to the expectations
Speaker 1: and then you're crushed for years. I've heard sorry that
Speaker 1: I've never recovered. If the sex is the best, You're
Speaker 1: still so excited to be in my most sexual I
Speaker 1: mean my sexual prime. I'm having sex now more than
Speaker 1: ever and I was approved for years. And how often
Speaker 1: are you having sex? A lot right now, point where
Speaker 1: I'm like, I really need to go to get tested.
Speaker 1: How did you get tested? Do that? I mean I
Speaker 1: go every three months. I actually don't think that I'm
Speaker 1: doing anything wrong, like yes, and um, well that's why
Speaker 1: I mean that, you know, the Vegas incident. Yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: but I do feel fine and I'm very I'm smart,
Speaker 1: and you know I'm not having random sex. I kind
Speaker 1: of just have sex with the same like you know
Speaker 1: that guy. Besides imaginement, I have to say I had
Speaker 1: sex with a dancer for magic Mike, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean? And you just say this it wasn't Mike,
Speaker 1: because Mike seemed a little stupid. Yes, and then because
Speaker 1: he's supposed to be like this did like what's going on?
Speaker 1: And then he gets to naked and then they had
Speaker 1: like plants in the audience, like they First of all,
Speaker 1: every girl brought up to stage was Asian, which I
Speaker 1: was so furious about. All they're so hot and beautiful
Speaker 1: and the perfect hair, and I was like what mate
Speaker 1: um And then they brought up this one girl and
Speaker 1: you you find out that there are a plant pretty
Speaker 1: soon because you're like, well, this girl is so nervous
Speaker 1: and then she like knows how to do like a
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah exactly, and she's like, you know, they're
Speaker 1: like doing a coordinated dance. I was like, how does
Speaker 1: she know? Like I'm stupid, Like how does she know?
Speaker 1: Asians catch on fast? I know they were? She was
Speaker 1: all they were so very but then also at um
Speaker 1: thunder down on are also only Asian girls are Probut
Speaker 1: to the audience, I know what is going on? I
Speaker 1: don't know. That's what we noticed. Every there was like
Speaker 1: six girls all together. They were all Asian beside Nicole,
Speaker 1: who when Nicole got brought up, she was brought up
Speaker 1: to make a fake orgasm NG sound sort of thing,
Speaker 1: and then there was three other girls. There was a
Speaker 1: competition and Nicole went last. I was like, obviously, so
Speaker 1: not only did Nicole win, they put a boa on
Speaker 1: her and then like a purse and then she's staying
Speaker 1: there's like, now, how do you feel? Now? She goes,
Speaker 1: do I get fucked now? And the audience was dying
Speaker 1: of laughing. Oh my god. I'm just I'm not saying
Speaker 1: anything bad about Asians, f y, I'm just saying it's
Speaker 1: just secure toice, like, h well, now I'm concerned that
Speaker 1: there's some kind of an Asian uh slavery rain going
Speaker 1: on in last vesag, in the whole town. Now I'm concerned.
Speaker 1: I'm obsessed. I wasn't concerned. You love conspiracy theories, yes,
Speaker 1: and also sex trafficking. I'm really concerned about right now.
Speaker 1: And I know these girls, trust me, they were not
Speaker 1: sex trafficking. They were like young girls with classes. They're
Speaker 1: probably like twenty one. They're having a good time in
Speaker 1: bas you know, maybe they were given the maybe maybe,
Speaker 1: all right, I'll believe it conspiracy theory. No, I'm actually not.
Speaker 1: I'm I love. I tried watching one about nine eleven
Speaker 1: the other day, but then it was it was like
Speaker 1: a British one, so it was like, what do you know,
Speaker 1: you weren't there? This is an authentic yeah. I also
Speaker 1: they were just focusing on them. They were they're focusing
Speaker 1: about like the plant, like the guys who were going
Speaker 1: on planes like beforehand, like they couldn't really draw up
Speaker 1: a plane, and I was like, get to them. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Have you ever had like a whoopsie stirring sex meaning whatever?
Speaker 1: That like a mishap like a ship? Yeah or that? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to hear some ship. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: have none. I really have not head the bet I've
Speaker 1: I've had, like the dick goes out. Oh wait your
Speaker 1: butth hole? Yea enema? Yeah, of course, Okay, there's not
Speaker 1: like a fleet. Oh I have them in my in
Speaker 1: my pantry. It's really I mean, you have to empty
Speaker 1: it out because you don't want the sailing in you
Speaker 1: because that's like a few ship forever. So you emptied
Speaker 1: out and fill it with room temperature tap water, squeezing,
Speaker 1: get out, squeezing, get out, shower, so you don't actually
Speaker 1: use what's in the days. See, that was a hot
Speaker 1: industry tip that I wish I had known. I've only
Speaker 1: used an animal once and it went very wrong. Ship
Speaker 1: all night. It was just a lot coming out animals
Speaker 1: multiple times. I have a lot of constipation going on,
Speaker 1: but I always use what's in the anima. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I didn't shiop for days. Well this is just
Speaker 1: like to clean her out because I was like, I
Speaker 1: just did it because I decided to go vegan for
Speaker 1: a week and that went terribly wrong. So anytime you
Speaker 1: go vegan, it doesn't sound like it goes well. Like
Speaker 1: I tried going vegan. I'm out. Yeah. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: like for for vagina is like a lot of times
Speaker 1: a dick will go out and then like fully out
Speaker 1: and then back in fully out and them back in.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you get punched in the taint. That's a fun surprise.
Speaker 1: I have so many questions by the way dicks, like
Speaker 1: what if they have a huge dick and it hits,
Speaker 1: what's the cervix, what's the what's the entrance to the
Speaker 1: Apparently I got a long ass tunnel. So I've never
Speaker 1: had a guy hit that ever hit And my boyfriend
Speaker 1: of six years now a lot of women that he
Speaker 1: had been that he dated, he has hit pretty good. Um,
Speaker 1: it's pretty good. Don't know exact measurements, but it's big.
Speaker 1: He's a big dick. Because I was with a guy
Speaker 1: once where I had it literally had snow on top.
Speaker 1: I mean it was a mount it. I was like
Speaker 1: it was um, and you ever had someone hit your
Speaker 1: I'm guessing I would know. So no, I'm guessing it
Speaker 1: would hurt have hurt me because I've seen some big
Speaker 1: dicks and I'm thinking I wasself, how deep as a vagina?
Speaker 1: Well everyone's different. I've said, well no, because like I
Speaker 1: said no to that one dick and then came back
Speaker 1: to it later and I was like, oh, it's not
Speaker 1: as big as I once thought it was. I can
Speaker 1: handle a lot more girth than I think I can.
Speaker 1: But length, I mean, I don't know, see I prefer
Speaker 1: length over girth. I can't when it's too thick. I
Speaker 1: cannot do that. I would think it's the opposite. You'd
Speaker 1: want the thing you'd want girth over lank. I mean apparently, Well,
Speaker 1: you know you want you want you don't, okay, so well,
Speaker 1: you want like a medium, you don't want a skinny dick,
Speaker 1: but like you don't want to chowed. It's like Goldilocks
Speaker 1: and the three dicks. You know you want the one
Speaker 1: that's just right that is my favorite, because the average
Speaker 1: dick is underrated and it's really just a plus. I
Speaker 1: guess you know, I do have sex with this one
Speaker 1: Guy's got a totally average dick, and you can almost
Speaker 1: do more with it. You really can't. You can like
Speaker 1: you need to be that like I don't need to
Speaker 1: be like right, when it's too big, you have to
Speaker 1: take like precaution if he has to stand on the
Speaker 1: other side of the room. This is too much, Like
Speaker 1: what do you think I'm gonna do? I literally one
Speaker 1: time I dated this guy briefly who's so hot and
Speaker 1: just has like I pulled on his pants and looks
Speaker 1: a sick and I literally said, come up. I mean
Speaker 1: it was so that Yeah, because it was big, I couldn't.
Speaker 1: I was like, there's no way we're ever having said
Speaker 1: there's nothing I can do with it. That's that's almost
Speaker 1: like like that's just because even even more so because
Speaker 1: you're like, that's not even gonna enter me, at least
Speaker 1: the small one. You're like, well, we can see what
Speaker 1: this does. Let it feel around guests on your show
Speaker 1: this open. Yeah, what happens when you get the guests
Speaker 1: that like, well, we catch a lot of flat on
Speaker 1: the internet. People were like, you told us he would
Speaker 1: tell us this ship person. Yeah, that's only happened like
Speaker 1: once or twice though. Yeah, I don't think we've ever
Speaker 1: gotten feedback that was like too much. Yeah, because most
Speaker 1: pop listen to podcasts at work or on the train
Speaker 1: or like travel in the car, right, and so they
Speaker 1: just want some entertaining. I think also, I think there's
Speaker 1: people who want tips their inspiration, people who want to
Speaker 1: live vicariously through people who are maybe more sexually explorative
Speaker 1: than they are. You know, there's a there's a lot
Speaker 1: of different reasons. Have you ever seen a dick that
Speaker 1: made you go? There's been some ugly dicks. I mean
Speaker 1: I've been so you know, there's a chiving. I mean,
Speaker 1: ticks are usually the same, not the same, but like
Speaker 1: your cut, like it's it's yeah, there's there's been some
Speaker 1: ugly dicks. And there's also been um, this one of
Speaker 1: the first guys I've ever slept with like regularly, I
Speaker 1: was like nineteen. It must have been a micro penis.
Speaker 1: I mean it really, I mean it was like really
Speaker 1: like shockingly, like would shock you small? Is that a
Speaker 1: medical term? That's I think so that's what I have
Speaker 1: heard it used. Obviously, Like I don't think the doctor
Speaker 1: like we have to talk to you about your mic
Speaker 1: a penis, debby, like they sit you down and be
Speaker 1: like okay, so we have some bad news. We have
Speaker 1: some bad news. Um, you have a micro penis. But
Speaker 1: there's a great Brooklyn contest you could win. Oh I
Speaker 1: judged that, and honestly, I did the Smallest Dick competition,
Speaker 1: and it was I felt bad going into because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I hope we're not making fun of these guys, because
Speaker 1: that's not coming on their own accord. They're they're making
Speaker 1: fun of themselves. And then it's all just happy and
Speaker 1: small small dick. Oh yeah, yeah, there's fear in Christina's eyes.
Speaker 1: Yea fear just say with it, like how they handle that.
Speaker 1: It was literally like a Miss America pageant for people
Speaker 1: with small dicks. So they had a talent, you know
Speaker 1: that had nothing to do with the dick. Sometimes sometimes
Speaker 1: it was singing. One of them was a stand up
Speaker 1: I forget name names, No, I forget what his name was,
Speaker 1: but he was the one and asking well yeah. But
Speaker 1: but there was something about like the the day. It
Speaker 1: was an afternoon on like a Sunday, and it was
Speaker 1: really nice because you know, these guys didn't appear to
Speaker 1: give two ships, and they were confident and they were
Speaker 1: funny and they were making fun of it in a
Speaker 1: way that they were kind of in charge of that
Speaker 1: whole opinion of themselves, and it was just nice because
Speaker 1: I always feel bad. One of the things that and
Speaker 1: I first sad when we started the podcast was we
Speaker 1: won't there's nothing we won't talk about except dick size.
Speaker 1: To the guys that don't want to make people feel bad,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, way nicer than a lot
Speaker 1: of people. Yeah, well, because you know, I mean, women
Speaker 1: feel bad about everything all the time, and so it's like,
Speaker 1: do that to somebody else, And that doesn't feel good
Speaker 1: to do that to a person, because then what is
Speaker 1: that supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't think I really run into dicks that I'm like,
Speaker 1: but I feel like so many guys, like a lot
Speaker 1: of straight guys specifically, they're like, well, act out or
Speaker 1: do things to compensate for their small dick. Yeah you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. I noticed that all in the
Speaker 1: attitude of men were like the arrogance, which is odd, Yeah,
Speaker 1: like the Napoleon complex, but for dicks, it's true. I
Speaker 1: think it exists. Yeah what I mean. I mean, also
Speaker 1: because you can tell a guy is a really big
Speaker 1: dick when he doesn't even speak. Yeah, he's like, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna walk in over care well. And then also
Speaker 1: sometimes when you meet like a really really overly confident,
Speaker 1: unattractive person and they're not like wealthy, and then you
Speaker 1: have actually packing and then you're like, wow, this is
Speaker 1: why where that where that comes from? The gleaming smile. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if you're walking into someone who seems in an air mattress,
Speaker 1: be prepared for a giant dick. Really, I mean that's
Speaker 1: what I think. I don't know. If you're in a penthouse,
Speaker 1: it's like, all right, this is not going to be
Speaker 1: a fun night, right, Okay, See the one one night
Speaker 1: stand I almost had that I didn't it was in
Speaker 1: the penthouse. Had one one night stand? Yeah, I've never
Speaker 1: had one night stand. The one guy I met him
Speaker 1: at a bar. He was British and he was saying
Speaker 1: he's saying at this the presidential suite at the Waldor Historia,
Speaker 1: and I was like into it. We came back, she
Speaker 1: did the dick scared me. I went up, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's not gonna fit anywhere. I Actually, I have a
Speaker 1: horrific story about when I um, okay, there's a there's
Speaker 1: a porn star was really wonderful. Name is Boomer Banks.
Speaker 1: I asked him if I could say this story. So also, like,
Speaker 1: you know, he's fisted someone, so I'm sure this is
Speaker 1: the least embarrassing thing he's ever done. Um. But he
Speaker 1: for some reason was really into me and we I
Speaker 1: was at Dragon in l A. And he was like, Matteo,
Speaker 1: he doesn't have that accent, but like in my mind
Speaker 1: he does. And for some reason, you're very attractive and talenting.
Speaker 1: We'll get to that in a minute, but I anyways,
Speaker 1: he was just very He was like Matteo. I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: we we We started talking by him showing me um
Speaker 1: he had a fleshlight made of his asshole so like,
Speaker 1: and he was like this you know that. That's where
Speaker 1: I'm like, we're trying to explain to straight audiences, like
Speaker 1: my life. If I told this story, it's like okay,
Speaker 1: also this also this this part two, like they just
Speaker 1: like what oh if senators could read Grinder conversations onetnam obey,
Speaker 1: I mean the things I've said some men will make
Speaker 1: your skin people off. But we but he goes. I
Speaker 1: was saying, and whenever I go to l A, say
Speaker 1: Nicole buyer's house. I was staying in her couch. It's
Speaker 1: not comfortable. So he was like, um, you want to
Speaker 1: stay at my hotel? And I was like, yes, a hotel.
Speaker 1: I can stay at a hotel. So, and it reminds
Speaker 1: me of you. It's like a hotel. This's fabulous. So
Speaker 1: he has like a I think it's twelve inches. I mean,
Speaker 1: you should google it right now, boomer bank stick. If
Speaker 1: you're at home, google boomer bank stick. It is so big.
Speaker 1: It's like distracting. I love that right now. Both of
Speaker 1: them are, yeah, we have to take it. We have
Speaker 1: to take a Google break. Also, I love these microphones. Whoa,
Speaker 1: Oh my god? Is that that's his real dick? I mean, guys,
Speaker 1: if you're at work, don't google it. It'll it's so big.
Speaker 1: But he's super hot. He's very hard. It's huge, but
Speaker 1: it doesn't look it doesn't. It doesn't turn me off
Speaker 1: that that makes me want to run away. This looks
Speaker 1: really good to me. It's a shiny what what are
Speaker 1: your feelings on at Mattel? I love it. I think, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll get I'll get to why this didn't work out.
Speaker 1: This guy's really cute. It's very shiny hair and I
Speaker 1: like it. So his name is Boomer and also the
Speaker 1: nice when I did the I was, I was I
Speaker 1: was selected for one of out one this year. Thank you.
Speaker 1: We went all we all went out to dinner afterwards,
Speaker 1: and it was so funny because like I was at
Speaker 1: a table and I was like, I fucking love gay people.
Speaker 1: It was me, my friend Mona Exchange and Pixie Aventura,
Speaker 1: both wonderful drag queens here in New York City. My
Speaker 1: friend Patty Boomer, two friends of his. It was like
Speaker 1: porn stars and drag queens and it we're all like,
Speaker 1: who wants macro? Like it was just I just it
Speaker 1: was made of my life so happy. But anyways, um
Speaker 1: so he was like, do you want to stay at
Speaker 1: my hotel tonight? And I was like yes, And I'm
Speaker 1: not confident with men at all, but for some reason
Speaker 1: with him, I was like like because he's a porn
Speaker 1: star and I don't know. I was like I'll show
Speaker 1: like I can be cute, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: like thinking yourself like I got this. I had. I
Speaker 1: went over to his a part or his hotel, and
Speaker 1: I was like, we're not gonna have sex. Boomer We're
Speaker 1: just gonna cuddle classic line before you have sex, I know.
Speaker 1: And he was like, he's like, it's okay, I just
Speaker 1: want to kisses. I was like, okay, so um, I
Speaker 1: like stripped to my underwear and I'm feeling on cute
Speaker 1: and he's like, give me the looks. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm just feeling myself. And I have
Speaker 1: had allergies all week. Okay, I'm bad with alige. Had
Speaker 1: alogies all week or so. I've had a sniffley nose.
Speaker 1: So I like, I lay in bed and my nose
Speaker 1: is like sniffley, but like more than ever, Like it
Speaker 1: was really maybe because when I look, I was like,
Speaker 1: why is my nose so running? I go like this,
Speaker 1: there's blood all over my hand. I'm like, it's Boomer
Speaker 1: spooning you. At this point, the baby spooning the baby.
Speaker 1: There is a puddle of blood and I listen, I
Speaker 1: have not had a nose bleed since I was seven.
Speaker 1: I don't do drugs. I all the times. This is
Speaker 1: the time. This is the time. So I really thought
Speaker 1: of bed. I'm writing those blood everywhere and in my hand.
Speaker 1: He's like, what's the matter, MATEO? And I was like
Speaker 1: being So I'm like in the bathroom like shoving, like
Speaker 1: cleaning up my nose. There's blood on my stomach, blood
Speaker 1: on my face, blood in my hand, blood on the bed,
Speaker 1: and he was on the bed, the pillow of the
Speaker 1: bed somehow in the curtain how it got there and
Speaker 1: he got up really quick. So I hate myself. So anyways,
Speaker 1: you know, we didn't have sex because we had to
Speaker 1: help me clean up my blood and then, um, that
Speaker 1: was it then. But he's still saying my hair. I
Speaker 1: don't know why. He texted me the other day and
Speaker 1: he was like, I was thought of you today and
Speaker 1: said why you got a nosebleed? But he was so
Speaker 1: night we hung out the other week. It's great, But
Speaker 1: I just think it's so funny that, like the one
Speaker 1: time I was like, I'm gonna be with this hot
Speaker 1: porn star nose bleep trying to have sex with you?
Speaker 1: Since are you just buddies now? Were he's like texted
Speaker 1: every once in a while. He also was like has
Speaker 1: a husband, but he's obviously right. I don't know. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm trying. I'm very much right now trying not as
Speaker 1: of the past two weeks. Okay, not this has not
Speaker 1: been a good past two weeks, but I want to
Speaker 1: put out there that I want a boyfriend. I haven't
Speaker 1: had a boyfriend in seven years, so I really like, Okay,
Speaker 1: if anyone's listening, you are such a great guy, Like
Speaker 1: what are your worst qualities as a partner? Neurotic? And
Speaker 1: I can be selfish and I can be I can
Speaker 1: lose interest really quickly. And I also don't have a
Speaker 1: lot of confidence in myself, so I will do things subconsciously.
Speaker 1: I will ruin the relationship because I can't handle it.
Speaker 1: It's like a well, why do you like me? And
Speaker 1: I think less of you because I think less of myself,
Speaker 1: and so I think less of you for liking because
Speaker 1: you even like make side ross comments about yourself. And like, literally,
Speaker 1: I gotta say, before we came here, we were in
Speaker 1: an office with a bunch of people who knew you,
Speaker 1: and we're like, oh, we gotta go record guys, we
Speaker 1: fucked and they're like, oh, who's your guest and we
Speaker 1: said Matteo Lane and then everyone just had nothing but
Speaker 1: nice things to say about your personality and your body. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's even better, But I what are you most insecure about? Well?
Speaker 1: I lead with I lead with sex. I look for
Speaker 1: validation through my body and through sex, which leads me
Speaker 1: to the wrong men, because putting that out there, then
Speaker 1: that's all they want. So they're not interested that I draw.
Speaker 1: They're not interested in opera, They're not interested. You have
Speaker 1: all these great things that they could give a about,
Speaker 1: right right. I I sort, and I do, and I
Speaker 1: just I see a therapist, and I do, I do
Speaker 1: try very hard to. Um. You know, my last boyfriend
Speaker 1: was such a mind fuck that I think it scared
Speaker 1: me off from like it's I just like shut down
Speaker 1: and I really shut down. I um, I think we
Speaker 1: I we were both young, and I think that there
Speaker 1: was a little bit of a mental abuse, and I
Speaker 1: think I allowed myself to be abused and put through
Speaker 1: a very toxic relationship for longer than I needed to be.
Speaker 1: And it just scared me so much because I put
Speaker 1: so much of myself into that vulnerable so I cannot
Speaker 1: be whole life. You were putting that wall up of
Speaker 1: like I gotta walk like this, I gotta talk like this,
Speaker 1: no one founds out I'm gay. And then the one
Speaker 1: time that you can be vulnerable with another person sexually
Speaker 1: romantically emotionally. You know, it doesn't go like even now
Speaker 1: you're saying that I wanted to say a joke to
Speaker 1: cut the tension because I'm too afraid to deal with Yeah,
Speaker 1: because it just I just don't want to get hurt friendships.
Speaker 1: I can deal with it with men. I just I'm
Speaker 1: also I shrink with men. I have inferiority complex and
Speaker 1: I always assume that they're better than me, more interesting
Speaker 1: than me, they have more to offer than me, and
Speaker 1: I shut down. I don't speak my mind. I agreeable,
Speaker 1: too agreeable. I just want to be liked. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so part of this like you should spend more time
Speaker 1: with me. Yeah, you really should. Literally, my area of
Speaker 1: expertise is not caring if people like me, and it's
Speaker 1: really true and you like you like I feel like
Speaker 1: people upon hearing that they're like, I'm two people. As
Speaker 1: a comedian and as a man, I don't give a
Speaker 1: ship with people think about me. I get made fun
Speaker 1: of all the time. You should see the things people
Speaker 1: say to me on Twitter just for being gay audiences
Speaker 1: I do. I am very thick skinned when it comes
Speaker 1: to that. I couldn't be phased a bit if you
Speaker 1: don't like me, when it comes to just men who
Speaker 1: like me, I really change. I just I shrink. I
Speaker 1: can understand. You know a lot of Yeah, I've had
Speaker 1: I mean I used to be like that. And I
Speaker 1: know some friends who are you know, you see them
Speaker 1: in front of a person that have a crush on
Speaker 1: it that they want to date, and you see them
Speaker 1: not acting themselves and they're kind of acting like an asshole,
Speaker 1: or they're saying things that they're they're questions they don't
Speaker 1: even ask. They say, Hey, I say good things. But
Speaker 1: that's I do that. I get like because I so
Speaker 1: rarely like care like or to care to impress one.
Speaker 1: It's like to make a good impression other than like
Speaker 1: who just like who I am as a person, which
Speaker 1: I hope is you know, people think it's good, but
Speaker 1: I don't really care. But I think you are. You're
Speaker 1: a nice person. We've all all been nice to each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah right, But I'm saying like like, you know, because
Speaker 1: when you care like extra and you want someone to
Speaker 1: like you like, it makes you act in weird ways,
Speaker 1: you know, especially like when it's like when it's a
Speaker 1: like romance, like a romance, or like you want someone
Speaker 1: to find you attractive or sexual. Yeah, I think that.
Speaker 1: I mean that, I mean that that's that's and that
Speaker 1: doesn't that's maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit for
Speaker 1: how you feel about yourself, because just to go out
Speaker 1: and be a stand up comedian, I mean take some
Speaker 1: fucking level of confidence. The gays to tend to not
Speaker 1: care as much, right, And I always make the joke that,
Speaker 1: like we hear this at brunch, where's Catholic Griffin gay winning?
Speaker 1: I got budden aides event by two because I made
Speaker 1: fun of Britney Spears. Right, Well, you mentioned locally, and
Speaker 1: I remember his show at therapy, like when I got
Speaker 1: booked on that show and survived that show, not like
Speaker 1: survived and then like did Well that was the moment
Speaker 1: when I'm like, I can do this. And I had
Speaker 1: done so much, so many things before that, but none
Speaker 1: of that Marrid and I and I knew from spending
Speaker 1: so much time in the gay community like that you
Speaker 1: really needed chops to get through that. Fucking the toughest audiences,
Speaker 1: The gravest thing you can do is be a gay
Speaker 1: man and sing of a woman's ballot in a gay audience.
Speaker 1: They'll rip you to very critical, very critical, very critical
Speaker 1: like that guy on Twitter, but but on my response,
Speaker 1: My real response to that guy on Twitter is there's
Speaker 1: so few gay men represented. When there's more of us
Speaker 1: being ourselves and who we are, then they'll be less
Speaker 1: to judge. You know. It's like I was in a
Speaker 1: room full of gay men when Lady Gaga one, or
Speaker 1: when when Sam Smith won the Oscar over Lady Gaga,
Speaker 1: and they were booing and hissing, and I thought, like, guys,
Speaker 1: we have to you know not and I know that
Speaker 1: some stupid things, but like there is internalized homophobias, so
Speaker 1: we do because I think the more like no straight
Speaker 1: guy looks at Trump and thinks he's making us all
Speaker 1: look bad, Like I just don't think they're right. No,
Speaker 1: I think women's like that's why women, women, women can
Speaker 1: be so cruel to other women, And it's because we've
Speaker 1: internalized a lot of what the world puts on us
Speaker 1: a society and personally no, no, of course not. But
Speaker 1: you know it could like gave crowds for me like
Speaker 1: like stream and always like oh my god, it must
Speaker 1: be so fun for you to gay crowds like not
Speaker 1: all the time. Every gay performer I know is like
Speaker 1: gay crowds are my least favorite to perform. Like, if
Speaker 1: you asked him Dillan to do a gay show, He's like, nothing,
Speaker 1: I love yes, Oh my god, they're amazing. But sometimes
Speaker 1: it's different. Sometimes you'll do a gay crowd and I'll
Speaker 1: have fun because I can talk about Liza Minnelli and
Speaker 1: Laura Left and you all know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: It's like a wonderful feeling of camaraderie. So I go
Speaker 1: back and forth. I think the more that we do
Speaker 1: this and the more that us gays are putting in
Speaker 1: the work, the more like will be rewarded eventually. But
Speaker 1: even now, we're making it easier for people who are
Speaker 1: you know, it's crazy to think about. Yeah, it's really
Speaker 1: exciting the social progress that you know that. God, when
Speaker 1: people have written to us who are like in their
Speaker 1: forties and fifties, like gay men, and they talk about
Speaker 1: like how they would do anything to make sure that
Speaker 1: no one found out they were gay, like up until
Speaker 1: they were thirty five or or later, I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, that sounds so suffocating. I had a man
Speaker 1: one time. I was getting emotional with this, but it's okay.
Speaker 1: When I would do Chicago when I would just stand
Speaker 1: in Chicago when I first to stand up, you know,
Speaker 1: you always bring your friends, and my family always wanted
Speaker 1: to go. And by my family, it's not five people,
Speaker 1: thirty people want to come. Man, you crush your bringers
Speaker 1: and oh they I've always got booked at gay shows
Speaker 1: that this one at Sidetrack. The used to stand up,
Speaker 1: and I would do it because my grandparents would come
Speaker 1: and and my uncle Michael always be like, your bathrooms
Speaker 1: are really nice, Matt, and He's like, well, there's not
Speaker 1: semen dripping from the walls. It's a bathroom. So um,
Speaker 1: I went up and I did, and I spent most
Speaker 1: of the time making fun of my family. And I
Speaker 1: got off stage and like maybe like a forty year
Speaker 1: old guy connotes to me, shook my hand and said,
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know you're really lucky
Speaker 1: to have all your family here. And I'm still holding
Speaker 1: my hand and I said, oh, they're so stupid and
Speaker 1: crazy and bah blah. He squeezed my hand and looked
Speaker 1: at me and said, I want to let you know
Speaker 1: how lucky you are to have all of your family here.
Speaker 1: And I, yeah, say get emotional now thinking about it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they didn't maybe probably didn't have that type of
Speaker 1: support system. And like, I mean, damn Savage always talks
Speaker 1: about the It Gets Better project and the film, and
Speaker 1: he's constantly plays calls from people who I mean Karen
Speaker 1: and I Karen is the one who turned me on
Speaker 1: to the organization New Alternatives for l g B t Q.
Speaker 1: I A kids who get kicked out of their fucking
Speaker 1: house at thirteen because of who they look like. It's
Speaker 1: it's insane, and I always part of me is always
Speaker 1: like it doesn't happen anymore, But it's all the time
Speaker 1: that's insulting to Like, if I tell how many times
Speaker 1: I've been called a fag and I made fun of,
Speaker 1: the first instinct is to not believe me. I think
Speaker 1: God excused, period, it's your experience, and I listen, I
Speaker 1: know this is I really I've been friends with gays
Speaker 1: for so long I feel like I am a gay man.
Speaker 1: Mine hit hurts well. I mean speaking of what I
Speaker 1: kind of do feel like a lasmanli and that I
Speaker 1: spend so much time with gay men, and even still
Speaker 1: after over a decade of this really close friendship with
Speaker 1: a group of like ten gay men, I still am
Speaker 1: constantly shocked by the stories that tell me. And I
Speaker 1: do feel in a way like I can never be
Speaker 1: the friend they need because I just do all I
Speaker 1: can do is listen to their experience. But I'm never
Speaker 1: gonna no matter how many times they tell me or
Speaker 1: stories that they share with me, I'm never going to
Speaker 1: know what it's gonna what it what it felt like
Speaker 1: to go through their lives and and and it's kind
Speaker 1: of like it's a little heartbreaking because it's like you
Speaker 1: can't get as close as you want to get to
Speaker 1: your friends. And uh, and I know it's like everyone's like,
Speaker 1: I'm like gay man, Like I certainly don't. Like I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm a gay man. I just feel
Speaker 1: like the only woman that is a gay man who
Speaker 1: doesn't know it is my aunt Cindy. Do you think,
Speaker 1: like truly, like I mean, the gayest man on the
Speaker 1: face of the plane. About her? I have had for
Speaker 1: some now. She's like fifties seven, and she her two
Speaker 1: best friends are gays. They go to strisand together they
Speaker 1: go to She she I don't even know how to
Speaker 1: describe my aunts, and I wouldn't even know how to
Speaker 1: describe it. Imagine this little Mexican woman who just loves
Speaker 1: streisand and loves musicals, and my cousin and I weren't
Speaker 1: show a car as she memorized the dances she brought.
Speaker 1: She brought us pretty spears CDs. And her humor, her
Speaker 1: humor is a gaymance humor. She's biting and quick and
Speaker 1: witty and smart and means sometimes yeah, really funny and
Speaker 1: like most of the time when I'm on stage, the
Speaker 1: pattern of my speaking, like how I speak right now,
Speaker 1: it's front comes Ranson. Yes, she's truly I love her.
Speaker 1: I mean, she's she's she's the funniest persona um. But
Speaker 1: I think you know, it's funny you say that because
Speaker 1: like a lot of like I haven't had, Like I
Speaker 1: had my gay friends in Chicago, but when I came
Speaker 1: to New York, it was all stand up, stand up,
Speaker 1: stan up, stan up, stand up, stan us. So I
Speaker 1: didn't have my group of gays. And just this past
Speaker 1: year I have hooked into like my crew, my little family.
Speaker 1: I love them. There's the five of us and it's me, Bob,
Speaker 1: the drag Queen, my friend Taylor, Patty, and Alfredo. And
Speaker 1: it feels so good to be friends with gays again.
Speaker 1: It's like, um, that's my ride if you can. Um.
Speaker 1: It feels so good to be friends with gays again
Speaker 1: because there is something about like when you're doing standard
Speaker 1: for so long, like a lot of times, the only
Speaker 1: people that really spoke my language again, like acent would
Speaker 1: be like Yamanika. You know, Like it sucks because when
Speaker 1: you're a gay performer, you don't even get to see
Speaker 1: the other gay performers because you're never on the same show.
Speaker 1: Because yeah, I never get to see Yeah, I never
Speaker 1: get him. I never get to see Tim Dylan is
Speaker 1: the one I see the most him, him, him and Mayron.
Speaker 1: But like even then, like when I see Mayron, we
Speaker 1: like grab each other like girl, yeah, you know, just
Speaker 1: because there's so few, but it feels the instant connection
Speaker 1: you have with someone and the camaraderie that's unique to
Speaker 1: to you guys, like that's just that's special. And even
Speaker 1: really dialing like Tim Dylan is, don't buy in all
Speaker 1: you know, I love him, but like that is a
Speaker 1: soft sweet man underneath all that, And when him and
Speaker 1: I are together, we get to queen out with each other.
Speaker 1: And also and I call him all the time. I
Speaker 1: know this is very Insider. Sorry, like Tim Dylan's been
Speaker 1: on the pod, he I love that man, He's fabulous.
Speaker 1: But I just I love that I have my group
Speaker 1: of gay friends now that I can go to and
Speaker 1: talk to him, connect with in a way that you
Speaker 1: can't connect with other people. Yeah, and it's not like
Speaker 1: my best friends Evan Williams. But and like I'm trying
Speaker 1: to turn him into a gay man. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get him more gay Instagram clothes. Oh, that's his handles,
Speaker 1: it's at um. It's Evan Williams is his handle, It's
Speaker 1: Evan Williams. Uh and um. For at Thanksgiving, we made
Speaker 1: him take his shirt off and bob Instagram posts and
Speaker 1: saying white meat for dinner. So we're trying to get
Speaker 1: him more. We're trying to get him a game um.
Speaker 1: And so we have to wrap up. But I just
Speaker 1: before including we kind of we're trying to put you
Speaker 1: out there on the dating market, but then we only
Speaker 1: had you list bad things about yourself, So what are
Speaker 1: some good things about yourself? And then also like what
Speaker 1: are who? What kind of a person are you looking for?
Speaker 1: Because it is the show's dream to be a match.
Speaker 1: We we've made lots of sex happen. But if we
Speaker 1: can make like a meaning connection, yes, this would be,
Speaker 1: this would be the whole show would be worth. What
Speaker 1: do you bring in the table? Oh my god, well,
Speaker 1: I'm a really good cook. Value. I speak other languages.
Speaker 1: I speak Italian, Spanish, French, English speak one of those.
Speaker 1: I paint and draw. I'm nice, I listen. I can
Speaker 1: be a neurotic mess again. No, no, okay, I'm very caring.
Speaker 1: I'm very nice. I don't know, I don't really great.
Speaker 1: I'm funny singer. Yeah, I sing. Your name is wait?
Speaker 1: You know you're just listening things that you do that
Speaker 1: are great, like besides nice in your heart? Your heart? Yeah,
Speaker 1: what are like qualities that you know that you have
Speaker 1: that you know. I'm gonna make this. You're not allowed
Speaker 1: to leave until you say something. Don't make me get
Speaker 1: a hand mirror out. I will get a hand mirror out,
Speaker 1: but Christine has to show me where it because, okay,
Speaker 1: I would say, um, I'm really um. I'm a caretaker
Speaker 1: and I'm someone who really likes to take care of someone.
Speaker 1: If I feel like a mutual you know, like if
Speaker 1: you you know I want to give through like food,
Speaker 1: I really want to give through like, UM, like, I'm
Speaker 1: really good at UM. I do not ever talk nicely
Speaker 1: about myself. This is the most bizarre experience of my life. UM,
Speaker 1: I was really good. I'm really good at being there
Speaker 1: for someone. If I really love someone, I'm really good
Speaker 1: at UM listening and talking and getting to know that
Speaker 1: person and wanted to know them at a really like
Speaker 1: deep level and feeling a connection. And I'm a I'm Italian,
Speaker 1: I'm over the top, hopeless romantic. That was great. And
Speaker 1: if anyone's listening, who's interested? What are you? Is there
Speaker 1: anything specific that you like as a must have for
Speaker 1: you in a partner? Um, I do want someone who's
Speaker 1: more interested and then in just sex. I mean, obviously
Speaker 1: sex is important. UM, but you know someone who can
Speaker 1: actually have an intellectual conversation. Someone who's funny. I like people.
Speaker 1: You know I sound now, I sound like my mother
Speaker 1: was so funny. She really wasn' until the hospital. But
Speaker 1: you know someone who is funny, someone who, um, it's
Speaker 1: funnier than you. Okay, that's tough, but it's not concerned.
Speaker 1: Someone who can handle the fact that I talked about
Speaker 1: my family seven Okay, UM, even in your personal talked
Speaker 1: to my cousins every day, all day, as we talk
Speaker 1: all day every time. Yes, so they need to accept
Speaker 1: the fact that there I come with an army. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then someone who does take care of themselves physically.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I need like a muscle giant jock,
Speaker 1: but hello, I go to the gym. I like it.
Speaker 1: I would be funded to be physical together. I can't
Speaker 1: think of anything else. Really, it's like a chemistry thing.
Speaker 1: Of course. Yeah, that's awesome. So what would you what
Speaker 1: do you promote? Shi? You got a podcast, Emma's podcast? Man,
Speaker 1: I have a Emma woman. I have a podcast called
Speaker 1: Inside the Closet which we just sit and talk mainly
Speaker 1: about sex and dating. It's ridiculous. Emma's life is out
Speaker 1: of control. And that woman had inspiration, really and she
Speaker 1: always has it like I don't know, like when she
Speaker 1: tells these crazy stories like am I love you? She's Oh,
Speaker 1: I have a new show coming out. It's an actual
Speaker 1: television by the ways book. I meant to say that. Um,
Speaker 1: it's a I spent like a month full production, like
Speaker 1: a real TV show on Netflix. It's called ghost ton
Speaker 1: It's us making fun of catfish. Oh my god, that's
Speaker 1: so cool. Yeah, that's a great. People who get ghosted,
Speaker 1: we just find them and bring them back together. Like
Speaker 1: people were ghosted because like I farted on a date.
Speaker 1: She never talked to me again. I'm like, get her
Speaker 1: in here. Yeah. And this woman had terminal brain can't no,
Speaker 1: not terminal, but it was like third stage brain cancer.
Speaker 1: And she tried to use as excuse the whole time.
Speaker 1: But at the end of like it was the fart
Speaker 1: that sounds great, sounds amazing. And all I do is
Speaker 1: make fun of everyone. That's tomorrow, novem perfect. It's at
Speaker 1: the top of the Discover snapchat page every every Tuesday
Speaker 1: chat just okay, so Snapchat, and where can we find
Speaker 1: what's your Twitter handle? I'm the same on everything, Matteo
Speaker 1: Lane naked all over Instagram. You are It's great, okay,
Speaker 1: And if you want um, if you want to be
Speaker 1: considered for a date with Mateo, you can email us
Speaker 1: as sorry about last night's show at gmail dot com
Speaker 1: or you should have m Yeah, but follow um, send
Speaker 1: us your photo and a little bit about you photo
Speaker 1: and we'll flour live in New York City, that's important,
Speaker 1: of course, in New York City, and we will run
Speaker 1: all this by Matteo, and then we can coordinate if
Speaker 1: heat like a date episode, you guys, date if if
Speaker 1: you're opening yeah, yeah, mystery, sign the ship out of
Speaker 1: your date, sit right next to us and make everything
Speaker 1: that's fine. So you can't hear me, so you can't
Speaker 1: be intimate with your data. I will not allow. I
Speaker 1: want away from how wonderful you are. Not allow that, Matteo.
Speaker 1: We will follow up later after you've had a real
Speaker 1: stare into their eyes. Yea, no words, just looking up,
Speaker 1: no words, just looks like a foreign film. Yeah, anyway,
Speaker 1: this has been guys, we fuck the anti slut Chimming podcast.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you next Friday. Guys, I know that
Speaker 1: your father tells your love to brother these dings. I
Speaker 1: know that your sister's looking like your brother these dings.
Speaker 1: I know that your best friends looking like a mad
Speaker 1: dings can be the deeferend she is getting too. We
Speaker 1: can breaking that we cann weekend. Today's show is sponsored
Speaker 1: by talk Space, the online therapy company that lets you
Speaker 1: choose from over license therapists. Get matched with your perfect therapist.
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