Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys Book. I'm Christina,
Speaker 1: I'm Correnn. We're sorry about last night the anti slut
Speaker 1: shaming podcast. I never stopped. Oh hello, fucker's welcome to
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Speaker 1: all seriousness, Uh, Christine and I are filming a version
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Speaker 1: Dare I say authentic that's an inside joke only Christine, Uh.
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Speaker 1: we love you and I how long I could left
Speaker 1: that moment? Yeah? And on that note, should I tell
Speaker 1: my daughter Jones? Oh yeah, what? And on that note,
Speaker 1: should I tell my daughters that they dad raped me? Oh? Well,
Speaker 1: touching gears, Hi, Tina, Welcome to dinner. Um. I want
Speaker 1: to open by thanking you both for being such beautiful,
Speaker 1: open people. I loved listening to your podcast. It's honest
Speaker 1: and relatable. You're October nineteenth episode how many more sisters
Speaker 1: really stuck with me? Fare Brooks story was so much
Speaker 1: like my own that I had to listen to it
Speaker 1: over and over And I just want to personally know.
Speaker 1: We got a lot of responses like that, particularly for
Speaker 1: that episode. Uh, And maybe you want to open up
Speaker 1: to my family and finally explain to some of them
Speaker 1: why I had decided to divorce my husband. She explained
Speaker 1: the situation much better than I could. My relationship with
Speaker 1: my ex husband started in seventh grade. I ended up
Speaker 1: getting pregnant before junior year because we were dumb and
Speaker 1: didn't use a condom. After I had my daughter, I
Speaker 1: had told him I wasn't going to be having sex anymore.
Speaker 1: My mom had put me on depot, but after gaining
Speaker 1: all kinds of weight and my decision not to have sex,
Speaker 1: I told her I didn't want to continue getting the shots.
Speaker 1: We ended up having sex three more times. I rem
Speaker 1: member saying no over and over again. I remember sitting
Speaker 1: and crying and yelling at him after each time, saying
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do it. I told you already
Speaker 1: to leave me alone. I don't know how I did
Speaker 1: not associate this with rape. I guess I was in denial.
Speaker 1: I ended up getting pregnant that third slash last time. UH.
Speaker 1: When I told my parents I was pregnant, they told
Speaker 1: me that the next day I was either getting married
Speaker 1: or moving out. They gave us the money and we
Speaker 1: went to the courthouse on December one, two thousand nine,
Speaker 1: five months after we graduated high school. He moved in
Speaker 1: and everything was fine, only consensual sex. We had our
Speaker 1: second daughter and eventually moved out on our own. After
Speaker 1: a while, my husband started telling me I had to
Speaker 1: get a job. I was going to school full time
Speaker 1: and we weren't exactly struggling financially. But I eventually agreed
Speaker 1: and got a full time job in March of two
Speaker 1: thousand thirteen. That year, I received my associate's degree and
Speaker 1: started working towards my bachelor's. That's when it started up again.
Speaker 1: Our oldest daughter was starting preschool. He went to work
Speaker 1: really early, so I had to get the girls ready
Speaker 1: on my own and take them to my parents house
Speaker 1: before going to school for my eight am class. After
Speaker 1: my full day of school, I would grab something to
Speaker 1: eat and go straight to work. I was commuting to
Speaker 1: work end school, so by the time I got home
Speaker 1: from work it would sometimes be midnight. I would unwind,
Speaker 1: do whatever homework I could, and go to bed. By
Speaker 1: the time I crawled into bed, he would already be asleep.
Speaker 1: I would be woken up in my sleep with him
Speaker 1: either touching me or completely on top of me. I
Speaker 1: would say no and push him away. Sometimes I would
Speaker 1: try to hurt him, sometimes it would work, and sometimes
Speaker 1: I would just given so that maybe I could go
Speaker 1: back to sleep faster again. I would cry after every time.
Speaker 1: I had long conversations with him, explaining that I felt
Speaker 1: like I was being raped and could he please please
Speaker 1: just leave me alone and let me sleep. I take
Speaker 1: my sleep very seriously, especially during that time. He would apologize,
Speaker 1: but then start questioning me, what Why didn't I want
Speaker 1: to have sex As soon as I came home from work, well,
Speaker 1: mostly because I was exhausted and just wanted to try
Speaker 1: and relax and get some homework done. I started sleeping
Speaker 1: either in the living room or in my daughter's room,
Speaker 1: just to be sure. He left me alone. Eventually, even
Speaker 1: the living room and safe, and I slept almost every
Speaker 1: night with my daughters. Every once in a while we
Speaker 1: would talk it out, I would go back to sleeping
Speaker 1: in our bed. He would let me sleep for a
Speaker 1: few days, and I started believing it wouldn't happen again.
Speaker 1: But I was wrong. My anger and hatred towards the
Speaker 1: whole situation bled into the marriage. We would fight every day.
Speaker 1: I knew it was unhealthy for my girls to be around.
Speaker 1: I told him I wanted to separate for a while
Speaker 1: and I would move back in with my parents. He
Speaker 1: brought up divorce and he ended up leaving to his
Speaker 1: parents house. After a while. I let him move back in,
Speaker 1: but I was emotionally done. I told him this. I
Speaker 1: ended up sleeping with a co worker and didn't come
Speaker 1: home one night. That next week, I moved back with
Speaker 1: my parents and he moved back with his The divorce
Speaker 1: was finally realized this March. My daughters are smart, and
Speaker 1: I've been doing my best to raise them to be honest,
Speaker 1: speak their minds, and to not only know the good
Speaker 1: in this world, but to know the evil too. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to make them the most well rounded people I can.
Speaker 1: I talked to them about almost everything. My oldest is nine,
Speaker 1: and it's very mature for her age. We've talked about
Speaker 1: sexual assault many times. I would like some of vice
Speaker 1: on when or if it will ever be a good
Speaker 1: idea to tell her about my experience. She's already talking
Speaker 1: about her friends and their boyfriends. I have no intention
Speaker 1: of being in another relationship, so I told her she
Speaker 1: can't have a boyfriend. Until I have one, I don't
Speaker 1: believe she will be having a relationship anytime soon, let
Speaker 1: alone start having sex. But I don't want to wait
Speaker 1: too long or be one of those clueless moms. Should
Speaker 1: I never tell them about it. I don't want them
Speaker 1: to have bad feelings towards their dad. I don't know
Speaker 1: what to do. Thank you for any help you can
Speaker 1: give me. And I apologize for this being so long.
Speaker 1: Stop apologize, okay? Uh? And sincerely, you know a person
Speaker 1: I don't know. We were talking about this, what the
Speaker 1: what the professional opinion of this would be. But my
Speaker 1: immediate reaction is, uh, you don't don't tell them that
Speaker 1: your dad, you're their father, raped them, raped you, at
Speaker 1: least right now. Well, especially if the kids, some of
Speaker 1: the kids are a product of that. If I got
Speaker 1: that news, I would, and then I would kind of
Speaker 1: look at myself as a product of rape. I would
Speaker 1: My world might be flipped upside down. And and that's
Speaker 1: why I'm curious. What how often your daughters see their father?
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you could separate a guy
Speaker 1: who rapes his wife from a good dad, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I can't make a generalization because I don't have the
Speaker 1: answer to that. Maybe some people, maybe not. I don't know. Um,
Speaker 1: I think it's possible, but not probably just because someone
Speaker 1: who's especially a daughter, a dad to daughters. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you don't respect women, even if you're like nice
Speaker 1: to your daughters like my The first thing I remember
Speaker 1: my dad teaching me actually talked to my brother, but
Speaker 1: who was in front of me was like whenever my brother,
Speaker 1: my older brother, would even push me, and it wasn't
Speaker 1: he was never violent towards me, but he was almost
Speaker 1: like this overprotectiveness. But if you would ever put his
Speaker 1: hands on me, my dad would freak the funk out,
Speaker 1: like and I would always yell and push him and
Speaker 1: he didn't give a ship. But you know that that's
Speaker 1: all different story. But I don't think telling them. I
Speaker 1: think making them aware that sexual assault happens. And if
Speaker 1: you if you are touched in a way and you
Speaker 1: don't want to be touched, here's what you do. And
Speaker 1: it seems like you've talked to them about that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: did she say how old they are? Uh? The oldest
Speaker 1: is nine, so okay, so that's pretty nine not too
Speaker 1: young to learn about sexual assault because it's I think
Speaker 1: it's pretty Yeah, it's a it's a great age for that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I mean I have a couple of pieces of feedback.
Speaker 1: I Number one, I totally agree with you, especially at
Speaker 1: this young age, you don't even have to think about
Speaker 1: talking about this, I mean the scarring that them knowing,
Speaker 1: like you have to just sit and make a list
Speaker 1: what are the benefits and and what are the what's
Speaker 1: what are the not benefits. I can't think of the
Speaker 1: opposite word yeah, and there I can't. I mean, except
Speaker 1: for honesty and kind of knowing who your dad really is.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's really no prose like yeah, and I
Speaker 1: don't know if i'd want that pro unless I I
Speaker 1: don't know, if I grow if she grows up and
Speaker 1: she's like my dad's a feminist hero, my dag. I mean,
Speaker 1: the odds of that happening pretty slim. Well. I also,
Speaker 1: and I don't think that. I mean, you know, most
Speaker 1: of our dads hopefully aren't rapists. But also so true
Speaker 1: most of most kids, you don't really know who your
Speaker 1: parents really are until you're an adult, because you hold
Speaker 1: them on a pedestal. And I think that's in an
Speaker 1: important part of being a kid is having a hero
Speaker 1: or a role model to look up up to. And
Speaker 1: so as long as you're very very sure that he's
Speaker 1: not doing anything inappropriate with them, and I certainly don't
Speaker 1: want to like ensue that he's or imply that he's
Speaker 1: a pedophile or or would do anything to a child,
Speaker 1: he would treat a woman like that in front of
Speaker 1: your your daughters. I just want to I just wanna
Speaker 1: you know, as long as you have full clarity and
Speaker 1: you know him. Obviously we do not know him, um,
Speaker 1: and you've been through the most serious things with him. Um,
Speaker 1: That's what I would say. Uh, I would say once
Speaker 1: they're an adult, and by an adult, I mean have
Speaker 1: graduated college or or past the age that they would
Speaker 1: go to college at. If that's something that you still
Speaker 1: feel that you would like to tell, I think then
Speaker 1: it's okay. But I mean, this is so far I
Speaker 1: will and and and it's it's I'm really like, it's
Speaker 1: really nice of you to even consider them having thinking
Speaker 1: good thoughts about their dad, because I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people don't think about about the relationship between the
Speaker 1: spouse that they hate or don't like anymore treated with anymore?
Speaker 1: Did that to them? You still have to remember you
Speaker 1: know that is that that's the only dad your kids
Speaker 1: have forever whoever is Yeah? And uh. One thing that
Speaker 1: made me think of his And this is separated because
Speaker 1: I wasn't learning anything. It didn't make me mad, but
Speaker 1: learning that my mom was sexually assaulted when she was
Speaker 1: fucking eleven? But how why I wish I would have
Speaker 1: known that earlier? Is one I wish someone would have
Speaker 1: had a conversation with me about sexual assault at a
Speaker 1: young age, only because I think every child should have
Speaker 1: a an age appropriate conversation from their parents about sexual
Speaker 1: assault at all times, just because it happens so goddamn much.
Speaker 1: So you are armed them with the tools. And that's
Speaker 1: a huge preventative measure that I really think how it
Speaker 1: helps and works. Um, but she my mom reacted my mom.
Speaker 1: I in my eyes, she fucking abandoned me when she
Speaker 1: asked me about are you a virgin or not? She
Speaker 1: left the restaurant we were at, and and uh, and
Speaker 1: I was so confused and angry and I internalized it
Speaker 1: and I said, well, my it must be me that
Speaker 1: I did something wrong. I never went in a million
Speaker 1: years because she was the hero thing. But done she
Speaker 1: wouldn't have done this to hurt me. Clearly, I had
Speaker 1: no idea that she was not handling that appropriately. And
Speaker 1: then by the time I told her about guys, we
Speaker 1: fucked us when she said, oh, I was sexually assaulted
Speaker 1: and that's why I was so scared for you. But
Speaker 1: it doesn't happen project just like everybody. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 1: human thing. So I think be aware of of of
Speaker 1: your relationship with your daughters when it comes to that,
Speaker 1: and just make sure you're not doing it. Just be
Speaker 1: self aware. I think self awareness is the key to
Speaker 1: not doing that. Yeah, and I to present it because
Speaker 1: I don't suck a bit up piggy backing off what
Speaker 1: you said. I definitely wanted to point out that there
Speaker 1: was one sentence in the boyfriend one that upset me.
Speaker 1: It says I have no intention of being in another relationship,
Speaker 1: and so that that seems kind of final to me,
Speaker 1: which a totally understandable on your part. So I told
Speaker 1: her she can't have a boyfriend until I have one.
Speaker 1: I think that's a That's why I'm saying a fair
Speaker 1: unrealistic expectation. And she's gonna she's gonna grow up to
Speaker 1: be a little bitter about that. I cannot imagine someone
Speaker 1: not being damaging too, you know, just because you know,
Speaker 1: just because you had this, you know, terrible, terrible experience,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that she can't go on and have a
Speaker 1: super healthy experience with a great man or a great woman,
Speaker 1: or who a great whoever she chooses. Obviously, she's fucking nine,
Speaker 1: so we don't have to worry about for a good
Speaker 1: amount of time. But I think just keep that in mind. Um.
Speaker 1: And also, I mean, you see, you're obviously busy, You're
Speaker 1: raising kids, are doing all this stuff. But I think
Speaker 1: if you have not taken the time out to take
Speaker 1: care of yourself and go to therapy, I think it
Speaker 1: will not only help you to feel better about yourself,
Speaker 1: but it will help you to be a better mother
Speaker 1: and to kind of organize your thoughts. It was a
Speaker 1: really difficult thing that you went through. Really happy to
Speaker 1: hear that you're out of it, but you still need
Speaker 1: to do that that's self healing, to kind of come
Speaker 1: back to one, especially because this was happening from such
Speaker 1: a young age and just I can't even imagine. I mean,
Speaker 1: I would recommend that someone who got pregnant in the
Speaker 1: seventh grade go to therapy anyway, just because you were
Speaker 1: you were made to be an adult so much earlier
Speaker 1: than you really should have had to be, and that
Speaker 1: was unfair to you. Um So now kind of take
Speaker 1: that time retroactively and and be fair to yourself. Now, yeah,
Speaker 1: chop away those layers. I couldn't imagine being uh raped,
Speaker 1: and then that's how I got pregnant, and then my
Speaker 1: parents going we'll get married or get the funk out
Speaker 1: of my house because they didn't know what the situation
Speaker 1: was and there wasn't a communication about that from your
Speaker 1: in which is it's understandable. And then that's just a lot.
Speaker 1: That's a lot to deal with. You've been through a lot. Um,
Speaker 1: be kind yourself and and therapies, the ship and also
Speaker 1: like you know, we mentioned you know, making you know,
Speaker 1: giving your daughter the opportunity to have a healthy relationship
Speaker 1: one day in the semi near future. I mean I
Speaker 1: think you should also give yourself that gift. And that's
Speaker 1: something you can start to discussed with a therapist. I
Speaker 1: mean I could totally understand kind of like not wanting
Speaker 1: to be a relationship, not wanting to be around that,
Speaker 1: wanting to concentrate on raising um, your kids. But uh,
Speaker 1: I mean if you, if you, if you could you
Speaker 1: close that door permanently. You're not You're doing a disservice
Speaker 1: to yourself because I mean you have to be out
Speaker 1: of the prowl, just live your life and then be open.
Speaker 1: That's something if it happens, when when you feel comfortable
Speaker 1: with that. Yes, absolutely all right, our guest, Ladies and gentlemen,
Speaker 1: we have such We had such a good conversation. We've
Speaker 1: known him for a real long time. We're so excited
Speaker 1: to have him on. He's our friend, he's a stand
Speaker 1: up comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome I in fight.
Speaker 1: As many times the past church wish that I many
Speaker 1: times I looked around, wish that I could see how
Speaker 1: that was safely got someday, said the free it want
Speaker 1: to know me, ugh chim oh one man right books
Speaker 1: found faith in he oh one man look happily on
Speaker 1: the wrong boone and name swing religion. They lay their
Speaker 1: claims on me and asked me to be grateful for
Speaker 1: triumph and to lee They want to bring shape. Well,
Speaker 1: there ain't no shank that look because we are here
Speaker 1: with Ian Fodan, say what it is? How are you doing.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to interview you. Oh, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, I'm doing great.
Speaker 1: I feel good. I feel good. I don't Karen knows
Speaker 1: a lot more about you than I know about you,
Speaker 1: because you've got closer. Um, where do you want to start? Uh? Well,
Speaker 1: I mean you have like multiple lives and you're you're living.
Speaker 1: So it's like you had this secret life that is
Speaker 1: the true you, which I have no idea, and you
Speaker 1: were living you were living, you know, kind of the way.
Speaker 1: I don't know a lot of people, a little like
Speaker 1: gay people live that way. Are We talked to Matteo
Speaker 1: Lane and he seemed to be living that way. Uh
Speaker 1: and then like a cat baby? Right? All nine lives? Okay,
Speaker 1: so what life are we on to three? Right now? Well?
Speaker 1: I mean I should be you were. I mean, let's
Speaker 1: when did things get get get really bad? I want
Speaker 1: to get because there's so there's just so much crazy shit.
Speaker 1: I think we should just start from the from the
Speaker 1: first emergence of the crazy, which was what the addiction?
Speaker 1: Is that hard? So excited to get better? Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: thank god I was holding this weight for years. I
Speaker 1: need to put on somebody else the world. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm slumped over because I've had the weight of the
Speaker 1: world on my shoulders. Well to job, I thought it
Speaker 1: was just because you're trying to hold in a fart. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to get up because, um, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I I mean, I don't know where to begin. You know,
Speaker 1: I wanted the first what are you addicted? The first
Speaker 1: bad thing you did, which I was the first thing
Speaker 1: I did, guessing some kind of or bad end quotes.
Speaker 1: You know, when when did your life start to really unravel?
Speaker 1: That's where I want to start. Terry Terry Gross for
Speaker 1: the New Age started good stuff. I don't need to
Speaker 1: know about your sweet life in Delaware. Um, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I uh, I I don't know. I always
Speaker 1: first time you used intravenous drugs From from an early age,
Speaker 1: I knew. I always knew I was different. No, I
Speaker 1: never used intravenous drugs, but I did get a couple
Speaker 1: of meat injections, you know what I mean? Come on, boy, No,
Speaker 1: I mean I I thankfully I was never an introvenous
Speaker 1: drug user. If you're like, you know right, yeah, and better? Well,
Speaker 1: you know with Heroin. You you snort it for a
Speaker 1: while and it's less addictive, but the second you start
Speaker 1: banging it, you're in trouble. Intravenous see snorting Heroine? No no, no,
Speaker 1: I never it was a one that got away. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Ye yeah, dude, I'm telling you. I was saying earlier,
Speaker 1: I have a million angels. I tried so many times
Speaker 1: again Heroin, and every time something got in the way,
Speaker 1: like something really random. Years ago, I was with my
Speaker 1: co dealer. I was like, hey man, can and and
Speaker 1: also like I never judge anyone that does anything. I'm
Speaker 1: so glad I lived the life that I live because
Speaker 1: it's really help me knock out my ego on my
Speaker 1: judgments and everything. And I was with my coat dealer
Speaker 1: in the car, was like, hey man, can you get
Speaker 1: me Heroin? And he looked at me and goes, Heroin,
Speaker 1: really Ian Heroin? Your coat dealers judging you a coke dealer,
Speaker 1: not a monster. Okay, that's a moment. Wow, I know.
Speaker 1: And then he's like, I'll pay me for this vile cocade.
Speaker 1: I was like absolutely, joey um, but yeah, no, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm really fortunate, you know. And for a while I've
Speaker 1: been sober for a while now, and um, it will
Speaker 1: be three years in April. But I've been you know,
Speaker 1: trying since like two thousand and eight. You know, what's
Speaker 1: a journey. Oh yeah, years is a good amount of time. Though. Well,
Speaker 1: I I feel good, you know, And I can say
Speaker 1: that today because it's it's always this thing of like,
Speaker 1: you know, the second you go to the gym and
Speaker 1: someone's like, hey, you look pretty good, it's like, don't
Speaker 1: got to go to the gym anymore. And also, like
Speaker 1: I was doing, I have this meditation up that I
Speaker 1: was talking about it one is like a meditation on addictions.
Speaker 1: And one of the things that she had said, because
Speaker 1: I really want to quit smoking, was like, you need
Speaker 1: to just be comfortable confronting the feelings you have without
Speaker 1: asking them. I'm like, didn't think about right. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: for so long, you know, I would get sober time
Speaker 1: that I'd sunk up and you know, really just so
Speaker 1: much self hatred and anger and everything, and um, you know,
Speaker 1: for a long time I couldn't emote, and then I
Speaker 1: found alcohol and that let me feel you know interesting,
Speaker 1: and you know, I today I'm I'm grateful for everything
Speaker 1: that's that's happened before. I used to be like, why
Speaker 1: am I like this? Why is this? Why is that?
Speaker 1: I wish I didn't this? And it does me no
Speaker 1: use to live in the past because it's just going
Speaker 1: to taint my few true you know. And I try
Speaker 1: to stay present. And I'm so grateful for those things
Speaker 1: that happened because it made me who I am, and
Speaker 1: I can appreciate that today rather than living in this
Speaker 1: like self inflicted hatred of the meaningless mistakes I made
Speaker 1: in the past, too hard on yourself. And the fact
Speaker 1: that I'm alive is like I was gonna say, yeah,
Speaker 1: old man, really I didn't realize how close to death
Speaker 1: you've been. Oh my god, I was. I was no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you never never heroin. But you know I I was
Speaker 1: a bad fucking alcoholic, you know, drug at it and uh,
Speaker 1: Adkin and percocets are just so delicious. You know a
Speaker 1: lot of people like those so delicious, you know, and uh,
Speaker 1: it's just you know, I I really left a blaze
Speaker 1: a fire behind me, and I'm so glad I've been
Speaker 1: able to put those out. And what happened for you
Speaker 1: to go yeah should stop. I mean, it's so funny
Speaker 1: because there was like this period where when I was drinking,
Speaker 1: I was like this is the best, and everyone around
Speaker 1: me was like this is the world. Like I was
Speaker 1: like the last it was an alcohol like like I wrote.
Speaker 1: Around me was having these secret meetings and I was like, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: we're having fun. Like no, man, you're a liability. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we didn't want to be near yet because you're so
Speaker 1: intense sober and so I mean I kind of I've like,
Speaker 1: how long ago do we? You were pretty like sober
Speaker 1: when I first started being friends with you. Remember that
Speaker 1: gig in Jersey? Uh? Yeah, I mean we you and
Speaker 1: I have been on a couple of road trips when
Speaker 1: I like, since your last last girlfriend. Uh And in
Speaker 1: my head I just kept like thinking, like how is
Speaker 1: he dating like a non comic, like a normal person,
Speaker 1: Like I truly couldn't wrap my head around it was
Speaker 1: like long distance. Yeah, it's just that she wasn't around.
Speaker 1: Yeah most of yours she wasn't physically I'll tell you
Speaker 1: one time, Oh my god, I went on the road
Speaker 1: and I relaxed like super fucking hard and with alcohol. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and like once you start, you can't stop. And the
Speaker 1: thing is if you have clean time, when you start again,
Speaker 1: you're like, okay, I can pick up where I left off.
Speaker 1: It's like that's why so many people die of overdoses,
Speaker 1: because they think that they can just handle it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then they you know, your body's really cleared those tops,
Speaker 1: and then you just start where you left off and
Speaker 1: you're in trouble, you know. And every time I would
Speaker 1: drink again, it was like the worst thing from last
Speaker 1: time would happen like immediately again, you know, like meaning
Speaker 1: something that you would do, like the physical thing in
Speaker 1: your body. So this is years ago. I was sober
Speaker 1: for like four months, right, and I was like, all right, man,
Speaker 1: you can handle it, you know, go and just drink
Speaker 1: at a pine of bocket and a six pack of beer.
Speaker 1: You'll be fine. And like before that, I was like
Speaker 1: window shopping or just go to liquor stores and like
Speaker 1: look in the window, you know, like christ and be
Speaker 1: like I'd love to buy that. I wisht me something
Speaker 1: natty light looks wonderful. But would that give you like, uh,
Speaker 1: you know, some sort of inner satisfaction because the relapse
Speaker 1: doesn't happen with the first drink, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It happens beforehand, with the whole kind of making excuses
Speaker 1: for why you should be able to do it. Yes,
Speaker 1: And so I was like four months over, first night,
Speaker 1: get fucking drunk by myself, and I'm like, you know what, dude,
Speaker 1: you gotta go out in public and then you won't
Speaker 1: be an alcoholic if you by yourself. You know. So,
Speaker 1: I fucking go out a blackout. I come out of
Speaker 1: a blackout. I'm parked in the middle of a four
Speaker 1: lane highway. My right foot's on the break, my left
Speaker 1: foot's out the window. It's in front of a police station.
Speaker 1: The cops at my window. And I asked him how
Speaker 1: he got inside my apartment times dude, I was always
Speaker 1: locked up, and I'm like, throwing me in jail. I
Speaker 1: deserve it. I ruined my sobriety that like, dude, just
Speaker 1: because someone to pick you up, Man, we don't want
Speaker 1: to deal with you. On my lawyer, he wrote me
Speaker 1: this thing, all the evidence against me. At the end
Speaker 1: he goes as the saying goes your history, I'll see
Speaker 1: you a cord. I was like, oh, thanks, oh my god. Wow,
Speaker 1: So I gotta be grateful. It's not who I am today.
Speaker 1: And as you yeah, yeah, yeah, right, well I don't
Speaker 1: even know my phone was on the brake. My god,
Speaker 1: that's that's I mean, you really are I can't lunch.
Speaker 1: I can't believe you're here. Had that happened a lot
Speaker 1: with you drunk driving, like that would happen all the
Speaker 1: Did you ever hurt anybody else? No? No, were getting
Speaker 1: fights a lot, you know, as you angry, taking out
Speaker 1: these these bottled up emotions, you know, and then I'd
Speaker 1: wake up in these crazy places like what the funk?
Speaker 1: You know, I'd wake up surrounded by garbage, broken bottles
Speaker 1: around me because I couldn't open the bottle, so I
Speaker 1: just smash them. And oh my gosh, the story, as
Speaker 1: you told me, we're very Edgar Allan Poe, like waking
Speaker 1: up drunk in a ditch. And now I'm curious because
Speaker 1: I know people that are totally different night and day
Speaker 1: went sober and drunk, and a lot of people who
Speaker 1: are just fucking mean and we'll yell at you for
Speaker 1: things you didn't do. And the first time I ever
Speaker 1: met somebody like that, it was very confusing because I
Speaker 1: was like, did I do something? Because I'm such a
Speaker 1: with my mom and being bi polar, I was like,
Speaker 1: it must have been me and that's my emotional issues.
Speaker 1: But I've always wondered if it's the alcohol making them
Speaker 1: and I rate person, or if you really do have
Speaker 1: inner what they call it, jack on and hide you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But the scary thing is, you know when you quit
Speaker 1: drinking and you're like, oh god, I was just ship
Speaker 1: had because of the booze, and then after a while
Speaker 1: you're still ship head. You're like, that's the scariest thing
Speaker 1: in the world, and it's like, oh, it's me. And
Speaker 1: then you gotta work on that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Did you realize did you have that realization? Well? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, the alcohol gave me a way
Speaker 1: to like feel that I never could before, you know,
Speaker 1: because all these things happen when I was younger and
Speaker 1: I just never dealt with it. Was like, yeah, like what,
Speaker 1: like what have the pent up anger? So what do
Speaker 1: you where do you think the anger is from? Well,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you the truth, you know. And also I
Speaker 1: get a credit with being in therapy for a while consistently.
Speaker 1: It's it's helped me out so much and just you know,
Speaker 1: being fully honest with myself and who I am. You know, like,
Speaker 1: that's like the biggest all I want to be in
Speaker 1: life is a great stand up. And I feel like
Speaker 1: the goal and stand up is to be as truthful
Speaker 1: and honest as you can on stage, and in order
Speaker 1: to do that, you have to be truthful and honest
Speaker 1: in your personal life. And I was yourself honest with
Speaker 1: who I was. And I was stagnating in my stand
Speaker 1: up because I was like, where am I going with this?
Speaker 1: You know? And then all of a sudden, when I
Speaker 1: started pulling these things out, my my stand up got
Speaker 1: better because I was being who I really, who was
Speaker 1: put on the start to be, you know. And Um,
Speaker 1: a lot of the stuff to your point what you
Speaker 1: said earlier, Karin, line of stuff was asking the fact
Speaker 1: that you know I from the earliest age in the world.
Speaker 1: I fucking I felt like a little gay boy, you know.
Speaker 1: And what do you mean by that? Like he likes sticks? Okay,
Speaker 1: I likes too, So you're greedy, right, yeah? Well that
Speaker 1: I you know, it's um, we're going to get blogs
Speaker 1: about that. I wish I've tried to be. I know
Speaker 1: I've tried to be, but because I'm like, oh, because
Speaker 1: I get the I get why for me as a woman.
Speaker 1: Why being with another woman like that just sounds great.
Speaker 1: I don't not, I don't mind it. I just don't
Speaker 1: like I mean, and I have asked my boyfriend like,
Speaker 1: are you sure you're not like a little by right right?
Speaker 1: He's like, no, I'm really sure. Really though, you sure?
Speaker 1: I'm trying to push him to be by sexual and
Speaker 1: he's not. I know. The closest bisexual I can get
Speaker 1: is just like enjoying a woman brushing my hair. That's
Speaker 1: about the closest. Just when you're at the salon, I
Speaker 1: wash my hair, I love getting my makeup done and stuff.
Speaker 1: It just feels very nice. Yeah. Yeah, they should have
Speaker 1: massage parlors that aren't massages. They're just like nail scratches. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh my god. So many people I know would want
Speaker 1: to do that. Would that be for the person to
Speaker 1: do it? I mean, everyone will be happy and then
Speaker 1: they jerk you off at the end. I think my
Speaker 1: boyfriend was talking about it. He's like, I should do
Speaker 1: a massage parlor where I like, either eat all the
Speaker 1: girls out at the end of finger and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that sounds awesome. I was right, when did you what
Speaker 1: happened for you to realize that you were by sexual.
Speaker 1: I don't know the option of being by was like,
Speaker 1: no fucking way, You're fucking gay, dude, and everyone hates you.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I was raised like Catholic and my dad
Speaker 1: died when I was younger. So the idea that this
Speaker 1: god hero of mine that was raising me on Earth
Speaker 1: is now gone. And everyone's telling me that he's watching
Speaker 1: me all the time, and I have these feelings and
Speaker 1: doing things like this fucking dude that loved me on
Speaker 1: Earth is upstairs just so disappointed in me, telling fucking
Speaker 1: Jimi Hendrix and goddamn Picasso and everything. Look at my
Speaker 1: little fag son. You know, that's like what I thought.
Speaker 1: I mean, leap, Yeah, that is a well leap. I
Speaker 1: don't know those people, but well, I was gonna say,
Speaker 1: I was like you think I was, like he really
Speaker 1: was a hero to you that you think he was
Speaker 1: a cool dude. Man, I'm telling you need to visit
Speaker 1: number one, the Long Island Medium. I feel like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna try to sundin with you. I think that would
Speaker 1: be very helpful. My my dad was so loving and
Speaker 1: kind and sensitive, and I could never fully accept that
Speaker 1: because I grew up very Catholic. I wanted to be
Speaker 1: a priest. When I was younger, I read the Bible.
Speaker 1: My parents would take away my picture Bible, and I misbehaved,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like I'm telling you man,
Speaker 1: and I got all these messages. And I had family that,
Speaker 1: uh that would would be like we'd be at the
Speaker 1: beach and we'd see fucking you know we went to uh,
Speaker 1: we'd we'd see like I'd just be on the beach
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, look at that over there, and
Speaker 1: it'd be like two men kissing and They're like it
Speaker 1: wasn't that gross? And I'd be like, yeah, he's like
Speaker 1: conflicting feelings. You know your dad part of that conversation. No, No,
Speaker 1: he was he was going never know, but he did
Speaker 1: he ever? Did you ever hear your dad say that? Never?
Speaker 1: When I was little, I would ask you if I
Speaker 1: could kiss my friend and be like yeah, sure. And
Speaker 1: you know, I played with like barbies when I was younger,
Speaker 1: and they were totally okay with it, you know, like
Speaker 1: my dad would dress up like a woman for Halloween.
Speaker 1: My mom would dress up like a man, and you're
Speaker 1: sounded very They were so great. But then my extended
Speaker 1: family who I spent time with, where my mom was like,
Speaker 1: you need more of a structure, you know. I'd be
Speaker 1: around certain people and it was just like these you know.
Speaker 1: I had aunt told me, don't the neighbors gay. Don't
Speaker 1: go in there law and you'll catch it. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: oh my, and and a part of me was like,
Speaker 1: I want to camp on their law? Is that a problem?
Speaker 1: But also too at the same time, I was widely
Speaker 1: attractive to women. I would go to the movie store
Speaker 1: and in the fitness section, I just like rub my
Speaker 1: little boy penis, looking at like videos, just all these
Speaker 1: confusing feelings. I didn't It's got to be such a
Speaker 1: mindful because you can't give yourself the label gay because
Speaker 1: you like boats. I heard on the radio about AIDS
Speaker 1: and I cried myself to sleep because me and a
Speaker 1: friend you to touch each other's dicks. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna die AIDS in second grade and I just
Speaker 1: wear to god man me and um uh, what was
Speaker 1: I gonna say? It was just like, you know, these
Speaker 1: these weird mixed messages and I like, I don't know,
Speaker 1: it was just crazy. Well, it's interesting because you do
Speaker 1: you hear about women being bisexual. I feel like a
Speaker 1: lot in the conversation with bi sexual man, we kind
Speaker 1: of just lumped them into like like their day. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's so not Also to when I was younger,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you this. I remember me and another kid
Speaker 1: started fooling around, right, and then like accidentally I found
Speaker 1: the Spice channel my grandparents house. I like hit nine
Speaker 1: nine by accident. I was like, what's that? Like the
Speaker 1: bad channel? Don't ever watch the bad channel? And I
Speaker 1: was like, next morning, bad channel time, but you have
Speaker 1: to order the Spice channel. No, no, it was it
Speaker 1: was if you have an extensive page. It was like fuzzy.
Speaker 1: You could see like a beat every once in a while.
Speaker 1: I would say, I was like, you have to order. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: So the next woke up and I like found masturbation.
Speaker 1: And then my dad died like two weeks later, and
Speaker 1: I was like, because oh, my dad died as a
Speaker 1: punishment for me doing these things. No wonder you did
Speaker 1: for years to masturbate and pray for forgiveness while I
Speaker 1: have you ever prayed for forgiveness while you're coming? It's horrible,
Speaker 1: but you just named the episode, and that about all
Speaker 1: of your episode. Congratulation what a mind funk. When did
Speaker 1: you finally realize that that wasn't true? And when you
Speaker 1: found that out, we're angry. Well, I mean I had
Speaker 1: so much anger or is it true? And we don't
Speaker 1: really know. Guys can only surmise. Every day, I jerk off.
Speaker 1: The Devil's like one step closer, take the yea yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, see you soon, Satan. Yeah, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't know. It was it was very much. It was.
Speaker 1: It was wild man. And also to like you're a
Speaker 1: little kid if I noticed when I got it. I
Speaker 1: remember coming home from the from the funeral home, I'm
Speaker 1: scream crying in the car and my uncle was like,
Speaker 1: shut the funk up. I'm turning this car off if
Speaker 1: you don't stop just like crying. Yeah, because you're fucking
Speaker 1: dad that I mean, I mean, people don't know how
Speaker 1: to deal with stuff. No one knows how to deal
Speaker 1: with emotion. No one knows how to deal with certain things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I think it's like a funeral or a week, like,
Speaker 1: I mean, I think there has to be a rule
Speaker 1: that we all have degree on that. Basically, as long
Speaker 1: as you're not physically harming yourself for others, you're allowed
Speaker 1: to grieve in whatever way you like. Yeah, so I
Speaker 1: got these messages, you know, and also to when you're
Speaker 1: a kid, and you see when you get upset, adults
Speaker 1: get upset, you're like, all right, well, because your emotions
Speaker 1: affect other people, someone live to please other people exactly.
Speaker 1: You know a lot of anxiety over that. Well, that's
Speaker 1: why one of my number one pet peeves and and
Speaker 1: women do it more than men is like a lot
Speaker 1: of times on serious interviews, if they start to cry,
Speaker 1: they apologize for crying. And I do that. It infuriates
Speaker 1: me because why are you apologizing? Well, because you feel
Speaker 1: that you're liking the other person. In theory, I know
Speaker 1: why you're apologizing, but it's just like, just do whatever
Speaker 1: I have. My therapist was trying to work on me
Speaker 1: with apologizing less because I was consistent I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, And so by the end of the session
Speaker 1: we counted like eid apologies. So I was like, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry for people used to fucking bump into furniture and
Speaker 1: say sorry to the couch. That's when you know you
Speaker 1: need to take a step back and really analyze why
Speaker 1: you're doing what you're doing. For sure, So when did
Speaker 1: you when were you able to when were you have
Speaker 1: you kept that to yourself being bisexual for how long
Speaker 1: until last year? WHOA, that's a lot of stress, I
Speaker 1: would imagine. Oh yeah, I mean a matter of fact,
Speaker 1: last year when when I finally was like being vocal
Speaker 1: about it with with other people. And this is being
Speaker 1: in therapy for a while. And what I used to
Speaker 1: do is I used to see a therapist and the
Speaker 1: second I would intimate them just a little bit about
Speaker 1: like you know, I went to this gay bar or something.
Speaker 1: I would never go back to therapy. Okay, I'm done,
Speaker 1: and I'd like to drop that therapist because you were embarrassed.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I don't want to go into any therapists
Speaker 1: ever said and say anything to you when you dropped
Speaker 1: that that made you feel like they wouldn't understand or
Speaker 1: wouldn't And again and again, I can't stress enough A
Speaker 1: lot of this was completely self imposed. I've surrounded myself
Speaker 1: with loving, kind people my entire life, and also to
Speaker 1: as a defense mechanism. You know, I lost my dad.
Speaker 1: I never wanted to do anything to make people leave
Speaker 1: me again. So I'll mean what you want me to be.
Speaker 1: I'll I'll keep this to me so that you won't
Speaker 1: leave me, and then I have the chance to leave you.
Speaker 1: So I'm you just nail my issues. Put that way.
Speaker 1: That's so common though, I mean, there's been so many
Speaker 1: times when people, I mean, you know, definitely left me
Speaker 1: so that I think I couldn't leave him. And it's like,
Speaker 1: and I just I spent so long trying to think
Speaker 1: about the logic behind that. Did you know that? Though? Krim? Like,
Speaker 1: did you or did you figure that? I didn't know
Speaker 1: that at that time? And now I have these self
Speaker 1: imposed defense mechanisms to protect ourselves. And then when you
Speaker 1: involve someone else, you feel that, you know, I'm sure
Speaker 1: you felt what did I do? What did I do?
Speaker 1: But it's like if you're if your side of the
Speaker 1: street is clean, then really it's up to the other
Speaker 1: person to get right with themselves a break and clean
Speaker 1: up both ways. Yeah, and then get a bag bag.
Speaker 1: So how how long were how old were you when
Speaker 1: your father past passed away? Exactly? Eight? Okay? Eight? So
Speaker 1: I'll tell you last year when when I started to
Speaker 1: be honest about this stuff, I had a mental breakdown
Speaker 1: because I never I thought I was going to take
Speaker 1: this with great. I thought this stuff. Yeah, And I
Speaker 1: was so afraid because I would go to trans bars.
Speaker 1: I would go to gay bars and trans bars, and
Speaker 1: the night pulse happened. I freaked out because I was like,
Speaker 1: god forbid, I'm in a fucking gay bar or something,
Speaker 1: and I get I mean, dude, people would fucking yell
Speaker 1: I'm on the street, you know, as a guy in private,
Speaker 1: and like, it's you know, it's fucking scary. It's still people.
Speaker 1: I've heard people yeah and stuff. I thought they would
Speaker 1: be like, hey, isn't that. I was like, which one
Speaker 1: do you mean? Man? How's it going? Because you are
Speaker 1: bothering me? You are so nice. If I recognized on
Speaker 1: the street today, you're very recognizable. But I used to
Speaker 1: think that people didn't yell at anymore. And then I
Speaker 1: was at a bar. I think crit and I think
Speaker 1: you were there. I was with stuff, and then yeah,
Speaker 1: people faggot at a gay bar outside. I'm like, get
Speaker 1: the funk at? Really, it's it's just a reflection of
Speaker 1: them and there of course, yeah, and also gay people
Speaker 1: need to get more violent, right well, lunch back, but
Speaker 1: god forbid, you know, I'm in this place. Nobody knows
Speaker 1: about this part of my life I die, and then
Speaker 1: people are like, what you know, I mean it would
Speaker 1: be it would be you know, a very interesting like
Speaker 1: killer killer last bit true jokes on you, dick in
Speaker 1: my mouth was like, he's just funny till the end.
Speaker 1: Really commitment those bits. Now when you came out came out,
Speaker 1: I don't know if it felt like that. Did you
Speaker 1: start talking about on stage to your friends and did
Speaker 1: anybody give you ship for it or be weird? No?
Speaker 1: I mean, dude. It elevated my relationship with my mom
Speaker 1: to a level I never thought would exist, really because
Speaker 1: she always knew something was wrong. She always she could
Speaker 1: never put her finger on it. Yeah, and she always
Speaker 1: you know. And I think a part of it is
Speaker 1: I drank so hard because I couldn't get right with
Speaker 1: my passing, because I was hiding this thing, and because
Speaker 1: I felt like this is never going to come out,
Speaker 1: you know. And then I had this mental breakdown because
Speaker 1: I truly never thought I could be happy. I truly
Speaker 1: never thought that I could really be myself. And then
Speaker 1: when I was, I was like, this can't be real, right,
Speaker 1: because the world you were envisioning was a world with
Speaker 1: which you kept that to yourself and everyone in my
Speaker 1: life that that I spoke with, including my my ex girlfriend,
Speaker 1: my friends at the time, my my therapist. Everyone was
Speaker 1: so loving and understanding, and it was almost like everyone
Speaker 1: had always had their hand out for me to grab on.
Speaker 1: It was just my choice not to grab hold. And
Speaker 1: I finally grabbed hold and everyone just pulled me into
Speaker 1: this loving embrace and I could not believe. I felt
Speaker 1: so good. Oh my god, that's beautiful. Yeah, it's great.
Speaker 1: I mean, I love my life. I couldn't be happier.
Speaker 1: And and I, you know, talk about this stuff on stage.
Speaker 1: It's so fun. Oh my god. I was talking about,
Speaker 1: you know, being a trans woman in fucking real hippie
Speaker 1: dippy Butcher Brooklyn. Everyone fucking hated it. Jesus great in it. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: because you know, I I have different opinions on things.
Speaker 1: You know, Okay, it's not all well because people who
Speaker 1: have zero experience with trans people but are but consider
Speaker 1: themselves to be progressive, have this ideal way in their
Speaker 1: head that you should talk about trans culture. I find
Speaker 1: it too. I'm not as fluent in trans in trans
Speaker 1: culture as I am, and like I would say, gay culture,
Speaker 1: but it's like you have. It's so annoying because it's
Speaker 1: just like I've spent the greater part of my life
Speaker 1: hanging out with gay people, and like the things that
Speaker 1: you think you have to tiptoe around them, like you
Speaker 1: don't fucking know I need gay people, and that just
Speaker 1: exposes their ignorance because it's always like there needs to
Speaker 1: be more diversity, and it's like, okay, cool, do you
Speaker 1: have diverse Cooper brands? No? No, not for me, for
Speaker 1: you ariated. So it's it's been so interesting because I'm
Speaker 1: working on I've gotten to the point where it's like
Speaker 1: really working well with with people that you wouldn't think
Speaker 1: it is, you know, but you know a lot of
Speaker 1: people come up to me afterwards and they're like, I
Speaker 1: have been secretly like wanting to be with this trans chick,
Speaker 1: and now I'm going to and thank you, and you know,
Speaker 1: I did bomb, but at least I helped many emails
Speaker 1: before a couple of times that I can recall about
Speaker 1: being nervous about wanting to to hook up with the
Speaker 1: trans chick or have they know trans sex worker and
Speaker 1: they want to hire them, but they feel weird. Does
Speaker 1: that make them gay? Does that make them blah? Blah blah,
Speaker 1: and so how what how can you speak to to
Speaker 1: that experience? And also is it it's not fetish fetist sizing, right,
Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't know. I have no idea.
Speaker 1: I got a lot of wild opinions. It's funny because
Speaker 1: guys will come up to me after the show and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, bro, I can of talk to you.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, Like I sucked my friends chick when
Speaker 1: I was younger. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you,
Speaker 1: like care. So that's like friends kids being sexually explortive.
Speaker 1: Like I made my friend who was a girl when
Speaker 1: I was like five, touch my buck because I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I mean that doesn't mean any
Speaker 1: normal and we got I think they should teach gay
Speaker 1: sex and fucking sex d They should. They should be
Speaker 1: like there are sex, there are different types of sex,
Speaker 1: and especially so that you can be having it safely
Speaker 1: if you choose to have it. I mean that's really important.
Speaker 1: Also back to the fetishizing thing, I I was thinking
Speaker 1: about that too, But I think what I use as
Speaker 1: kind of the discerning factor whether it's a fetish or not,
Speaker 1: is like, okay, you can be into trans people but
Speaker 1: if you would not openly dated trans person, then to me,
Speaker 1: that seems like a fetish car chasers and U. I've
Speaker 1: dated a couple of trans girls, and it's, uh, it's
Speaker 1: like this weird thing when when you were willing to
Speaker 1: be in public with them, that like is so uh
Speaker 1: deeply like meaningful to them because they don't treat them
Speaker 1: like humans, and that's what everyone's different. I tried to
Speaker 1: hold this trans girl's hand in public and she was like,
Speaker 1: don't fucking hold my hand, and like why yeah, well
Speaker 1: she was new and transitioning and she was like this
Speaker 1: like six too Dominicans. She kept calling me little man,
Speaker 1: and she kept calling me a midget and I was like,
Speaker 1: fuck you, when did you realize that you were uh
Speaker 1: sexually attracted to trans women specifically or trans men? And
Speaker 1: I tell you, I have no idea how it got
Speaker 1: in my head. But I was in like fucking second
Speaker 1: grade and me and this kid I used to touch
Speaker 1: each other's dicks under the bathroom stall, right, And one
Speaker 1: day I just drew a picture of a woman with
Speaker 1: boobs and a penis and I put it on his
Speaker 1: desk and he fucking told people and I and then
Speaker 1: it recessed. He touched my dick in front of people,
Speaker 1: and I punched him in the face and he didn't
Speaker 1: come back to school the next year, right out of
Speaker 1: me and this kid. We had like this thing from
Speaker 1: like twelve until like twenty four. Oh wow. And it
Speaker 1: was like multiple times a year, but it was never kissing,
Speaker 1: never intimate, and we would in grade school were getting
Speaker 1: fist fights in front of other people to be like yeah,
Speaker 1: I hate him, and then we'd like go and like
Speaker 1: school trips and stuff. I mean, that's that's a TV series. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's like married and has like a kid, and he's
Speaker 1: like into God, and I'm like, oh no, I hate.
Speaker 1: I hate when you see the person turning to God
Speaker 1: because you know they want to forget about a truthful
Speaker 1: he's hiding himself. You're doing it the right way, because
Speaker 1: I think so often people like I looked at like
Speaker 1: I don't know, there's something about people either like admire
Speaker 1: stand up comedians are like looked down on us, like
Speaker 1: like we're like we're living some kind of juvenile Peter
Speaker 1: Pans sort of lifestyle. And I and I don't think.
Speaker 1: I don't think being a comedian is child like at all.
Speaker 1: I think it's super adult and that you're confronting issue
Speaker 1: is head on. What's more adult than that? But but
Speaker 1: also another aspect of it, it's the most blue collar
Speaker 1: fucking involved in It is such a work. It's at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, fucking clowns, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like, if anyone looks at me and they're like,
Speaker 1: intellect dare you say this? But yeah, yeah, I'm just
Speaker 1: a glorified clown. I got opinions and I just want
Speaker 1: to share it with people. I want to make you laugh.
Speaker 1: Hopefully I'll make you think. But if you're looking at
Speaker 1: me to soft ship, go funk yourself. Yeahs your therapist,
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, And uh, I don't know. I I
Speaker 1: think we're so fucking lucky to live this life that
Speaker 1: we live and the fact that we get to reach
Speaker 1: so many people and make them laugh. But it's also
Speaker 1: choice other people could. I mean, obviously we have to
Speaker 1: have like that innate talent of being funny, but beyond that,
Speaker 1: it's just like we had the guts to do something
Speaker 1: different and we stuck with it and the most dire
Speaker 1: CIRCUMCERSI yeah, And I mean like laughter and music is
Speaker 1: like my lifeblood of what got me through all this
Speaker 1: wild ship, you know what I mean, And I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for it. And in the fact that I gets
Speaker 1: I mean, dude walking around the village doing these spots,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm taking the steps fucking Carlin and Prior
Speaker 1: and fucking Jimmy Hendrix and Bob Dylan took, Like what
Speaker 1: a fucking life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's amazing. And also
Speaker 1: I sucked at every other job I ever. You gotta
Speaker 1: do it. I think there's something about like the faith.
Speaker 1: That's why it was actually a disservice to me, because
Speaker 1: I am kind of a functioning human being, and I
Speaker 1: got to say that it held it held me back
Speaker 1: because I could have started like earlier doing what I
Speaker 1: what I really should have been doing the whole time,
Speaker 1: had I not been good at doing like boring every day. God,
Speaker 1: I've watched so many different jobs, sucked at them all.
Speaker 1: So um so back to you data and trans women
Speaker 1: and this is all like, have you what was the
Speaker 1: longest relationship you've ever had? Very very short? Um? Uh.
Speaker 1: You know, everyone's different and and it's so funny because
Speaker 1: there's so many different things going on, like like one
Speaker 1: that I was seeing. She she um and and forgive
Speaker 1: me for my ignorance. I don't know the surgery where
Speaker 1: they get the testicles removed, but she got testicles removed,
Speaker 1: and she had phallic surgery where she almost got like
Speaker 1: her foreskin tightened so only the head of her penis
Speaker 1: could come out a little bit. And she loved for
Speaker 1: that to be called her clip. So I would just
Speaker 1: suck on thee is like a tiny dick, right, So
Speaker 1: it's just like a real fucking long ass clip, and
Speaker 1: so you know, when you're blown, and she's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: suck that clip. I'm like okay. And then with another
Speaker 1: girl she showed me a dick pick and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that clitch. She's like, what are you talking about.
Speaker 1: She's like, it's a penis. You're right, a penis, and yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's that's going to be interesting to navigate because
Speaker 1: every person is so unique in how far they want
Speaker 1: to go, what transitioning means to them. If they if
Speaker 1: they want to do hormones that they want to do surgery,
Speaker 1: if they don't, because of how they want to be
Speaker 1: identified and referred to, you know, I'll get trans prostitutes
Speaker 1: and I'll get them for like the half hour and
Speaker 1: then we end up hanging out for like two And
Speaker 1: I just like love hearing people's stories and like and
Speaker 1: I actually want to start a podcast where interview trans
Speaker 1: process called X guys we fucked apply as long as
Speaker 1: they're okay with But I don't know. I I just
Speaker 1: love like the sexes is great. Um, I just like
Speaker 1: the simplicity of it. You know, Um is that sarcastic
Speaker 1: or no? Because it doesn't seem to be a simple
Speaker 1: just because you have to what's a conversation like because
Speaker 1: we've been having this conversation with other comics about to
Speaker 1: know what you got going on down there? Is that
Speaker 1: a conversation you have or is that just like meaning
Speaker 1: what if they've gotten st Regina? And what do they
Speaker 1: refer to be called? To be called? Their parts to
Speaker 1: be called? When do you know that when I ride
Speaker 1: transa Mairlines, there's got to be luggage? You know what
Speaker 1: I mean? There's got It means that it means that
Speaker 1: when he's with a trans person there has to be
Speaker 1: a Penis it? That's a good joke like that? So
Speaker 1: that when you're so that, how do you know then
Speaker 1: how can you. That's got to be tricky, have a
Speaker 1: penis or not? Because oh, they saying the talking because
Speaker 1: Ian's talking about sex workers where they're going to put
Speaker 1: more on the tape because their safety is at risk
Speaker 1: if they because I feel like a lot of trans women,
Speaker 1: especially trans women of color, getting murdered all the time
Speaker 1: and as hate crimes. And it's like, well, have you
Speaker 1: ever dated a trans person? Uh? Not like in the
Speaker 1: in a more regular dating world, as opposed to like
Speaker 1: hiring a sex worker. Yeah, like on Tinder. Well I'm
Speaker 1: I'm asking. I know the answer to this. I'm leading
Speaker 1: you into things that I want to talk about public
Speaker 1: because I can't just be like, remember we haven't talk
Speaker 1: of the diners, Terry Grosser far Terry Terry gross conversation
Speaker 1: topic I ate, I'm the best. Um. So I dated
Speaker 1: this one a while back, but it was it was
Speaker 1: very short, very brief. I met her in my neighborhood
Speaker 1: walking my dog and I could tell, you know, a little,
Speaker 1: and I went back and talked to her. I was
Speaker 1: just drinking at the time too, So you were drinking
Speaker 1: at the time. He's so giving my number and she
Speaker 1: calls me that night, let's hang out like, all right,
Speaker 1: So I meet up with her. She's like, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not like other girls. Like what do you mean.
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm a transsexual and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm into it. Let's sucking block and roll, you know.
Speaker 1: So we would hang out and everything, and in the
Speaker 1: morning she was leaving and she was like, well, I
Speaker 1: guess we're gonna She was English, It's like, well, I
Speaker 1: guess we're gonna play the game Hide the Tranding now.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I mean no, but you know,
Speaker 1: I do have to go to work. It's like she
Speaker 1: was very she did not really want anything to do
Speaker 1: with her penis, and um, she was very into taking slow,
Speaker 1: which I'm I'm down with whatever. Whatever you want to do.
Speaker 1: It's all right. Do you feel like she felt disconnected
Speaker 1: from her penis? She did, yeah, but we connected because
Speaker 1: she had been trying to be sober for a while
Speaker 1: and so was I. And then we were like both
Speaker 1: relapsing and everything and then together two pals, ye know.
Speaker 1: And then like I would just like get fucking whacked
Speaker 1: out and call her at four am and be like
Speaker 1: eat yours, you know, and I was just kind of
Speaker 1: like it, oh yeah, yeah, hello, hell Hello, Yeah, but
Speaker 1: that sounds so much better, right, You're gonna eat terrible things?
Speaker 1: Do sound so much a better in a British accent.
Speaker 1: You're like, I'm barely doing anything bad. Yeah, you call
Speaker 1: college an American and it's like, yeah, you just fucking
Speaker 1: do drugs and sucking fuck. And then they're like we
Speaker 1: got a university. It's like, wow, you're a researcher. But um, yeah,
Speaker 1: so so that that didn't like last song. And then
Speaker 1: I've seen her since and she's like so ober now,
Speaker 1: which is like right, but um, I don't know, years
Speaker 1: years and years ago, the first trans woman I was
Speaker 1: ever with, we kind of would see each other and
Speaker 1: I was very ignorant in my understanding of things. I
Speaker 1: was very insecure in my own life, and um, it
Speaker 1: was a lot of like, oh god, it's just so sad.
Speaker 1: It was. It was a lot to like, do you
Speaker 1: think my dad's proud of me? Like I was like
Speaker 1: so scared of that, and she, you know, wanted to
Speaker 1: like meet my family and go back to home and everything,
Speaker 1: and I was like, no, that's not happening, right because
Speaker 1: you were terrifying right right. But but also I've noticed
Speaker 1: that in dating different women, and everyone is totally different.
Speaker 1: But I feel like with with a lot of trans women,
Speaker 1: when you are into them, they are so into you
Speaker 1: because they found someone that's like accepting, loving, and they're
Speaker 1: like I need you all the time and needs you
Speaker 1: to be very needy, and it's like all right, back off,
Speaker 1: you know. And then others are very um, you know,
Speaker 1: just like well, they they're living this idea of what
Speaker 1: they think a woman is. So it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: very like everything's like I'm gonna get my titties done
Speaker 1: and I'm going to do this, and it's very like
Speaker 1: superficial and surface, you know what I mean. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: a lot of women live that way so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: with the with the trans with the transition, because I
Speaker 1: think I think you know, you can feel however you
Speaker 1: on the inside, but then when you start to actually
Speaker 1: physically transition and then get treated. Because there's a difference
Speaker 1: between in your heart feeling like a woman but then
Speaker 1: going out to the into the world as a woman
Speaker 1: and having people react to you as a woman. That's
Speaker 1: a whole different thing and who that you have to like,
Speaker 1: I mean, just think of it like if you were
Speaker 1: going to go out, like if I was just start
Speaker 1: being an Asian person tomorrow. I know people hate when
Speaker 1: you compare the sex and race, but it is like,
Speaker 1: you're I'm going to my whole life as I know it,
Speaker 1: because reacting to who you are presenting as in the
Speaker 1: world is such a big part of who you are
Speaker 1: and defines and defines in some ways who you are
Speaker 1: and how you act. Like I can't imagine to start
Speaker 1: just being a different person on the outside and lesson
Speaker 1: the analogous situation to race. Maybe think of it more
Speaker 1: as like an overweight person that loses all their weight. Well,
Speaker 1: and I mean anyone who has gone through a huge
Speaker 1: weight loss acts fucking weird, my boyfriend being one of them.
Speaker 1: I mean it truly, because you're not used to that attention,
Speaker 1: to being reacted to and treated totally everything. You have
Speaker 1: to think, well, there's there's a large swath of this
Speaker 1: community that has mental dealings with things that are different
Speaker 1: than what we're experiencing, better or worse. And being a
Speaker 1: vocal minority is you know, almost massively powerful. Now, Like
Speaker 1: there was this issue in New Jersey where students no
Speaker 1: longer have to give medical proof of being trans. They
Speaker 1: can just say to the athletic board. Hey, I identify
Speaker 1: as a woman, and then they have to wait until
Speaker 1: the next season then they can play on that team,
Speaker 1: which I understand. I think they should just integrate sports.
Speaker 1: Who gives a fuck, you know, like it will make
Speaker 1: it more interesting. But but I mean, like integrated football
Speaker 1: is going to be like dangerous for a lot of women.
Speaker 1: But it's still I mean, it's dangerous for men. Football
Speaker 1: so fucking stupid. I mean, let's get the women concussions
Speaker 1: to let's cancel. Jesus is fucking so dumb. You know this,
Speaker 1: like we're late and homosexuality all the fans have, you know,
Speaker 1: like let me wear an adult man's work uniform, you
Speaker 1: know what. I like done things too, though, Like I
Speaker 1: like watching toddlers and tierras. So that's like, you know,
Speaker 1: it's nice to important people and pedophiles come together to
Speaker 1: exploit children. Listen, I don't say I agree with the programming.
Speaker 1: Programming not gonna kid kid beauty. Pagents are going to
Speaker 1: happen whether or not I'm using. I'm using them for
Speaker 1: my personal entertain not if I've got anything to do
Speaker 1: with it. We I mean, everything has something wrong with
Speaker 1: its completely Yeah, and we shouldn't know about all this
Speaker 1: stuff either. Our brains were not meant to handle this
Speaker 1: much information. It feels like everyone's yelling at each other.
Speaker 1: That's that's mostly the Internet, but it's just like too
Speaker 1: many people's opinions, and I'm like, my brain can only
Speaker 1: take so much. But I guess maybe there is. I
Speaker 1: I feel more limited than I truly am, and I
Speaker 1: need to just realize. But also too, if you shot
Speaker 1: your mouth and have a conversation, I'm always willing to
Speaker 1: have my mind changed. I'm always willing me to getting
Speaker 1: an argument as long as there's a basis of love
Speaker 1: and understanding. Yeah, I can be wrong, which so often
Speaker 1: I know. I wish people well. I wish people could
Speaker 1: listen better, and I wish people could give feedback in
Speaker 1: a more constructive way, because it does take saying something
Speaker 1: ignorant to be educated, and not that it's everyone's job
Speaker 1: to educate everybody else, but if you have it in
Speaker 1: yet would really appreciate it. But when you do it
Speaker 1: in a way that's like you fucking idiot. That's not
Speaker 1: the word you're supposed to use. Don't come at me
Speaker 1: like that, because then I'm gonna shut you off. Immediately
Speaker 1: when you online. It's all performative too, because you want
Speaker 1: to look like the winner. You want to you know,
Speaker 1: like when you likes and comments and everything, it's it's
Speaker 1: a shot of dopamine into your heads. People I had
Speaker 1: when I kept drinking doing drugs because I fucking needed it.
Speaker 1: I phone off of it. Now everyone's addicted to all
Speaker 1: this ship but they're like, no, I'm not. You're you're
Speaker 1: You're an alcohol you drink when you wake up. You're
Speaker 1: a piece of ship. Now, let me check my phone.
Speaker 1: Let me look at my phone every thirty set against
Speaker 1: I'm a normal functioning It's everybody. The Internet, especially comment
Speaker 1: sections and social media is just a community of people projecting.
Speaker 1: So we're focusing on somebody else's ship headedness so that
Speaker 1: they can take attention off of their own, whether it's
Speaker 1: form themselves and other people recognize and I know, I
Speaker 1: totally agree and also to it's like follow me on
Speaker 1: Instagram at eye Animal, Yeah yeah, yeah, sure, you post
Speaker 1: great things, great videos, great Instagram stories. Yeah right, as
Speaker 1: I'm like shooting on it all, like I kind of
Speaker 1: needed to know. No comics or I feel like comics
Speaker 1: because you got to promote I hate Facebook, but you
Speaker 1: got to promote about deleting it. Can I'm sorry we
Speaker 1: got off on a tangent crain you. No, I mean
Speaker 1: I just wasn't ask you some more questions about you.
Speaker 1: But I mean we can, we can do whatever. I
Speaker 1: also agree that the Internet is terrible. Every year, I'm
Speaker 1: going to see how much I can I can get
Speaker 1: off the internet little by little. I made a big
Speaker 1: step last year, and I'm gonna try to make another
Speaker 1: comments section. We're gonna try to try to slip off
Speaker 1: without But I think there is a way to do
Speaker 1: it where you can still put out some like what
Speaker 1: you want to put out about yourself and like funny stuff.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't put out stuff that is
Speaker 1: not authentically me. I just don't put out everything that
Speaker 1: I do. But I don't. It's not like I put
Speaker 1: things like I post pictures of myself where I look
Speaker 1: busted all the time because I'm like I wanted to
Speaker 1: take a picture at this time, like my dog was
Speaker 1: sitting on my face for like not sexual. My dog
Speaker 1: lot of emailed us that thing, and then like we
Speaker 1: literally sitting on my face. I just thought it was
Speaker 1: so funny, even though like like, and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: I have to capture this, and who the funk cares?
Speaker 1: Well A lot of stuff I wonder, really, what is
Speaker 1: it for to deny that you're not doing certain things
Speaker 1: for performative reasons or attention? Is totally assinine to me,
Speaker 1: Like if today I were to make a post that
Speaker 1: was like, Dad, it's been twenty five years, left me, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would roll my eyes yeah goo, even though you
Speaker 1: could be doing it because that's you dealing with it.
Speaker 1: But I think people wo deal with things by posting
Speaker 1: them on the internet is a little set hate. It's
Speaker 1: sad and it's weird and I and I honestly sometimes
Speaker 1: makes me hang. That's why I don't go on Facebook
Speaker 1: a lot. It depends. I mean, I think there are
Speaker 1: instances where you could put something up if you think
Speaker 1: other people it's going to resonate with other people or
Speaker 1: I mean, if you were not like an open letter
Speaker 1: to your personal dad might like might be weird. But
Speaker 1: if you were put to post something about like loss
Speaker 1: of a dad to find that sense of community with
Speaker 1: other people, I think there is some kind of bringing
Speaker 1: it up all the time to be like me, I know,
Speaker 1: but I'm saying other people do that infuriates me, but
Speaker 1: I have love. It's it's uh, maybe that does help them,
Speaker 1: and it's not for me to hold that angry. Right. Well,
Speaker 1: that's why I like when I see that ship and
Speaker 1: I get piste, I'm like, all right, move on. You
Speaker 1: don't have to comment, you don't have to feel anything.
Speaker 1: You don't have to think about it a homeless person
Speaker 1: like feel better or some ship. Because every now and
Speaker 1: again I do post a question where I really do
Speaker 1: want the answer from a lot of different types of
Speaker 1: people on Facebook. Just isn't a really easy way to
Speaker 1: kind of conduct it is conduct your own survey, and
Speaker 1: at the time you end something with like let's see
Speaker 1: what you have to think about like some topic, it's
Speaker 1: like you're mentally oh no. It's usually like I'm just
Speaker 1: writing a book and I don't feel like writing it
Speaker 1: from my own mind anymore. So you're going to do
Speaker 1: the work. I mean, that's what I'm doing. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: an easy way to do a scientific survey or like
Speaker 1: I need some kind of a tag for my joke
Speaker 1: and it's not coming to me, but I know someone
Speaker 1: will trigger it with something that they say, whether it's
Speaker 1: good or bad. It's just like thoughts on this totally
Speaker 1: random topic that I'm thinking about. But I'm definitely writing
Speaker 1: a Joe about Like, have you ever dated a guy? Uh? No, No,
Speaker 1: I haven't. You know, I think my emotional attachment to
Speaker 1: men is weird. I've always had rough I've had my
Speaker 1: relationships with men. I've never been attracted to a friend
Speaker 1: the second friends of someone thought of them naked, or
Speaker 1: a guy friend or a girlfriend or either guyfriend. Okay,
Speaker 1: sounds like I know, girlfriend's inaccurate, girlfriend's totally inaccurate. I
Speaker 1: always fall in love with my girlfriend, and I just
Speaker 1: love that, you know, I don't know. I I definitely
Speaker 1: identify more with women in terms of emotion and feelings.
Speaker 1: My mom always called me a girl because it takes
Speaker 1: me like five hours to get ready when when I
Speaker 1: would when I would like act like a girl. And
Speaker 1: I was younger, my parents call me Ionetta. Um, but
Speaker 1: I don't know, I I I don't think that I
Speaker 1: could be intimate with I've I've just recently found intimacy
Speaker 1: yeah in my last relationship. Yeah yeah, and and through
Speaker 1: um you know allowing even still I haven't fully gotten there,
Speaker 1: and I want to. I would love to, but I
Speaker 1: just don't feel that I could be that way with
Speaker 1: with men. And I could, I I believes a woman
Speaker 1: or trans women, but with men, I just I don't know.
Speaker 1: And I wonder if it's because I had this stilted,
Speaker 1: uh connection with the guy that I was with for
Speaker 1: all those years, because it was very show up each
Speaker 1: other and then be like you're fucking gay, dude, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like I remember, like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: he tried to kiss me once and I was like,
Speaker 1: what what do you do? I'm not gay? Now put
Speaker 1: your little boy mouth on my little teen penis, you know,
Speaker 1: like that's not gay, you know. And then like later
Speaker 1: I tried to be intimate with him and it was
Speaker 1: like totally shut down. I was like, you know, and
Speaker 1: I just don't know if if I if I could,
Speaker 1: I just don't think I'm attracted to that. I don't know.
Speaker 1: But physically I am some sometimes not all the time.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you know, I just kind of can go in between.
Speaker 1: I guess, you know, makes sense. No, it makes sense
Speaker 1: that sometimes men have this like outer shell of and
Speaker 1: it's not genuine to who they are, but it's what
Speaker 1: they were taught how to act and it's kind of like,
Speaker 1: why can't be vulnerable with you? You can't be vulnerable
Speaker 1: with yourself, right, I mean possibly I could. Maybe I
Speaker 1: haven't given myself enough food a chance, which is what
Speaker 1: I feel that I'm trying to do. But yeah, it
Speaker 1: was like it seems like you just had this one
Speaker 1: really bad and like of unhealthy and long relationship with
Speaker 1: a with a guy who now went off and didn't
Speaker 1: like you don't talk to him at all anymore, right,
Speaker 1: And I And so I mean that's that's a really
Speaker 1: really long time and during very formative years to have
Speaker 1: that kind of experience. So I mean, I think it's
Speaker 1: like you don't have to be like say yes or no.
Speaker 1: It's just like, you know, maybe be open to it.
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm trying to do. And I feel
Speaker 1: like I have to do this to get to know
Speaker 1: myself better and to reach the next stage of my
Speaker 1: evolution is a human and as a stand up you know,
Speaker 1: and um, I just have to do this And it
Speaker 1: sucks sometimes sometimes it's great. I love being kind of
Speaker 1: like a wild guy and going and doing whatever I want,
Speaker 1: you know, But I mean it is a thing of
Speaker 1: you know, intimacy is something that I do crave. Um,
Speaker 1: but I just feel that I have to find that
Speaker 1: in intimacy with him myself first before I can give
Speaker 1: it an experience it with someone else fully, And I
Speaker 1: hid that from myself for so long because of these things.
Speaker 1: And I'd always be an relationship with a hot girl,
Speaker 1: you know, long distance. I would usually do so that
Speaker 1: I could like live my life here and then go
Speaker 1: back home and be like, this is great, you know,
Speaker 1: But were you cheating on those girls? Are you? Were
Speaker 1: you just kind of living wildly in other ways? Um?
Speaker 1: I was living wildly in other ways. And I've never
Speaker 1: cheated in a relationship with a girl. It's always been
Speaker 1: with a guy. Um. But my last relationship, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: he's only cheated on girls with guys. My last relationship
Speaker 1: did not happen. But the ones prior, yes, which I'm
Speaker 1: I'm in a way ashamed to say, and and it
Speaker 1: is regretful. Always safe, never have ever been safe. And
Speaker 1: I get tested every couple of months. But um, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not perfect, and I have made mistakes. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to learn from them, and I am trying to be better,
Speaker 1: you know. In my dealings with that one trans woman
Speaker 1: from when I was like twenty one. I've learned from that,
Speaker 1: and I've learned to be more open and kind with
Speaker 1: my interactions. And I had to be a ship head.
Speaker 1: That's the only way failing. You know. Well, so before
Speaker 1: you walked in, I was kind of like telling Christina
Speaker 1: about some things that I thought we were going to
Speaker 1: talk about, and I was because I do always think like, wow,
Speaker 1: if I was bisexual, it would I feel like it
Speaker 1: would be harder for me to be monogamous because there's
Speaker 1: two kinds of genets tail you that I like and
Speaker 1: I don't, and I and I think that's where we
Speaker 1: kind of get the thing that like, you know, that
Speaker 1: kind of thing like oh, by people are greedy, but
Speaker 1: it's not that, you know, it's like so if like
Speaker 1: I like like dicks, and but my and my boyfriend
Speaker 1: has a dick, but even if I get tired of
Speaker 1: that dick, it's still a dick. But if I also
Speaker 1: liked vaginas, I would literally making the decision that I
Speaker 1: would never have a vagina unless we opened up, you know,
Speaker 1: the relationship. Do you feel do you feel like that
Speaker 1: it's more difficult because there are like sexual very like
Speaker 1: primal needs that you can't. Well, I found a lot
Speaker 1: of forgiveness in pornography and masturbation. For a while, I
Speaker 1: would be so ashamed masturbating like Gaye porn, Like at
Speaker 1: the last second, I'd have to put a video like
Speaker 1: a girl when I was coming around by yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but like I've had to really forgive myself and allow
Speaker 1: that to happen, and that has helped kind of be
Speaker 1: okay with that. But I don't know, it's like being
Speaker 1: on I feel like it's like being on a diet
Speaker 1: and you just have those cheat days, you know, just
Speaker 1: I just have these cheat days where I want to
Speaker 1: cheat with dick, you know, to masturbate to dicks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: or well now I'll go out and find a dude
Speaker 1: and then you know, it's like a vampire, you gotta
Speaker 1: feed once everything. Yeah. But my question so, like, do
Speaker 1: you foresee yourself ever being in a monogous relationship though
Speaker 1: when you're when you're only going to kind of get
Speaker 1: to feed on one kind of genitalia. I'm truly propelled
Speaker 1: to perplexed by that. I don't know if I fully
Speaker 1: believe in monogamy. And well, yeah, that's because I mean,
Speaker 1: especially like I truly do think that's like one instance
Speaker 1: where like, if you are bisexual, it does seem like
Speaker 1: it's going to be harder. It is, and but also
Speaker 1: to it comes with the territory. I can't feel I
Speaker 1: have to be honest. That's the thing to kind of
Speaker 1: gets in the way, you know, whoever, whoever I'm with,
Speaker 1: I have to be honest and be like, this is
Speaker 1: who I am, this is what it is. If you're
Speaker 1: not on board, I get it. If you are, let's
Speaker 1: have some fun. And a lot of times it's a
Speaker 1: lot of gross reactions. Really wait, what's the worst reaction? Like,
Speaker 1: what was it? Have you been dating people since your
Speaker 1: last relationship? I am no, I'm in no um desire
Speaker 1: to day. I mean I've been like I'll like consistently
Speaker 1: like fuck someone for a couple of weeks. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: no amoment. Yeah never. I do not want to spend
Speaker 1: any time being emotionally involved with anyone, right, because you're
Speaker 1: getting to know yourself too. Yeah yeah, and um, you
Speaker 1: know what kind of reactions have you gotten? Any any
Speaker 1: reactions that you've gotten that you're really like, Well, in
Speaker 1: my old relationships. That kind of broach the topic a
Speaker 1: little bit. And be like they'd come to visit and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, you want to walk over year It's fun.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of like trans prostitutes and everything.
Speaker 1: It's just fun. Like that's so gross, and I'm like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gross. Oh I uh. Disappointing that reaction completely, just
Speaker 1: even if I didn't wasn't sexually interested in them, I'm like,
Speaker 1: just it is weird to me because there is certainly
Speaker 1: still this air of like trans people being treated as
Speaker 1: some sort of a novelty. And I mean just as
Speaker 1: with everything. I mean, like to me, like more of
Speaker 1: a novelty is like a drag queen, whereas I know
Speaker 1: lots of trans people who are just regular people completely.
Speaker 1: And also to like, I my the the it's funny
Speaker 1: because I'll be with a chick and it'll it'll come
Speaker 1: up and I'll be like, oh, I would never be
Speaker 1: with a guy that would suck another guy or whatever
Speaker 1: and be like, well I fucked other guys and they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: never mind. Well and they're like okay with it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I've changed your mind or someone quick, change in mind. Okay,
Speaker 1: get the funk out of here. I'm not in Yeah,
Speaker 1: it really kind of depends on which community you're with. You. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it's cool. I mean, I I don't I
Speaker 1: think to my guys are so sexy because you can
Speaker 1: have the option of like having a three O. It's
Speaker 1: to me just it's it's more than like sexuality. So
Speaker 1: it just says like this is someone who's who's really
Speaker 1: comfortable in their sexuality, Like if you're if you even
Speaker 1: even if you're not actually bisexual, but you've experimented, especially
Speaker 1: as a guy. I think that's a really hard thing
Speaker 1: to say. Yeah, I've experimented, and like my past two
Speaker 1: serious boyfriends have told me that, and it made me
Speaker 1: really think, like, Okay, I'm with someone who's sexually confident,
Speaker 1: which gives me more hope for our relationship in term. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I feel like I am and um, I really
Speaker 1: it's just so funny because I felt I blocked myself
Speaker 1: off from all this for so long, and now that
Speaker 1: I've opened up, I just feel so much better. And
Speaker 1: I feel like I love having these conversations. I've you know,
Speaker 1: I have like a friend who is now like thinking
Speaker 1: she might be in a woman, so, you know, together,
Speaker 1: so I can be like her safety net, you know, right,
Speaker 1: and uh, I don't know that it's it's really uh,
Speaker 1: it's neat and also too Yeah. I think the more
Speaker 1: experiences you have it makes you more well rounded, whether
Speaker 1: you're well traveled or well fucked. It just me what
Speaker 1: would you say to people who are interested in experimenting?
Speaker 1: I guess by curious would be the bright term of
Speaker 1: how they feel, and they but they don't want to
Speaker 1: make the person feel like you're my experiment or is
Speaker 1: that bad? Because like the one time that I made
Speaker 1: like an okay Cupid profile specifically for girls, I wasn't
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to. I told them, Mike, I've
Speaker 1: never done this before. I'm just interested. I don't know.
Speaker 1: But I still kind of left the experience feeling like
Speaker 1: she she was a lesbian and she kept like reaching
Speaker 1: out to me and calling me and I and I
Speaker 1: and I in my head what I wanted right, But
Speaker 1: I was like, that's not I. I was very honest
Speaker 1: with her about I don't know what I'm doing. This
Speaker 1: just seems really interesting to me, in fun to me,
Speaker 1: and I think it's something I might like. But I
Speaker 1: thought that that meant this ain't going to be Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's still on hurt. Yeah, that's long. Just because you're
Speaker 1: lesbian doesn't mean that you're like more in tune with
Speaker 1: your emotions at all, not at all. I think you
Speaker 1: just have to be honest or just find a time
Speaker 1: machine go back into grade school and repress it for years. Ticket.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. So we need to wrap up. But
Speaker 1: I have my final question for you is what's up
Speaker 1: with the rings? Where does your obsession with rings stem from?
Speaker 1: You always finance rings and I'm fascinated by them. Well,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you it's funny. I used to wear rings
Speaker 1: and then I stopped. My dad wore rings too, and familiar.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, and uh, you know, every sense of
Speaker 1: like style and should I just like where my dad's clothes.
Speaker 1: I love your style? Oh, thank you so much? Yeah
Speaker 1: this is best cool? Um? Yeah, so I really like
Speaker 1: it's all of this has helped me to you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know. He was such a rad dude, and
Speaker 1: I try to be a rat and righteous dude myself
Speaker 1: because I've always wanted people to meet him and they
Speaker 1: never could. So I feel like they can meet him
Speaker 1: through me. You know, that's very beautiful. What was his occupation?
Speaker 1: Thank you? That's why we went to the rings, so
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, he was a train inspector for CSX.
Speaker 1: Oh that's cool. Yeah, and uh, he was just such
Speaker 1: a rad dude man. And I feel like the rings,
Speaker 1: I don't know, in a way, it's made me feel
Speaker 1: more myself and more kind of you know, I feel
Speaker 1: you're I feel like my personality is best described as
Speaker 1: sensitive alpha, you know. I don't know, and I just
Speaker 1: I just like him. I've always liked silver and turquoise,
Speaker 1: and I just, uh, it's you know, I I got
Speaker 1: a ring for every year I've been sober, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I found that out just randomly, like kind of looking
Speaker 1: at my stuff, you know. But they're also from eBay.
Speaker 1: It's not like I see people with rings like this
Speaker 1: is my grandfathers from World War Two. I'm like e
Speaker 1: Bay bidding because you are still getting things from a
Speaker 1: lot of different people all over the country, in the world,
Speaker 1: and I think it's really fun to just that that
Speaker 1: we can just trade stuff. And it's cool because I
Speaker 1: have each ring like reminds me of some part of
Speaker 1: my life when I got It's just like my tattoos.
Speaker 1: Some of them don't have meaning, they're more meaningful for
Speaker 1: the time period in my life. Yeah. Yeah, I have
Speaker 1: one last question for you if so, if I think
Speaker 1: there are probably people listening to us that have that
Speaker 1: are holding back a part of themselves and it's maybe
Speaker 1: making them act like a dickhead to the rest of
Speaker 1: the world. I think it's a common thing. And so
Speaker 1: you've crossed that other side of allowing yourself to be you.
Speaker 1: And so what would you say to the if two
Speaker 1: people listening that are kind of they know they're suppressing
Speaker 1: themselves and they're in so much deep denial that they
Speaker 1: can't even see that they're being an asshole and they're
Speaker 1: not being themselves. What's a good thing about being on
Speaker 1: this side of it? Or indulge it? Yeah, feed it
Speaker 1: whatever it is, give it lots of love and attention,
Speaker 1: right about it. Journaling has helped me out a ton,
Speaker 1: finding someone to talk to, finding music that speaks you,
Speaker 1: and allowing yourself to feel because you're only hurting yourself,
Speaker 1: you're you're you're blocking the progress of making yourself be
Speaker 1: fully formed and you're actually living a spiritually and emotionally
Speaker 1: to formed life. So you might as well. You know,
Speaker 1: we all got garbage, we all got trash inside. We
Speaker 1: gotta pull it out and recycle. You know, I love you.
Speaker 1: You're so fucking funny. And then if you found a
Speaker 1: trans woman that you loved and wanted to day, would
Speaker 1: you bring her home to your mother today? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: my mom's totally cool with it too. It's great. Yeah
Speaker 1: with the girl she goes born girl or one of
Speaker 1: your friends started. I mean, I think it's just so
Speaker 1: much more forward than sure, and we get it, we
Speaker 1: understand context. And my mom would love whever came into
Speaker 1: my life as long as she could make them a
Speaker 1: meal and cover them with a blanket at her house. Yeah,
Speaker 1: Gal would take care of them, you know. Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you all having me on the I'm
Speaker 1: glad that I have to lessly asking you for your
Speaker 1: years A year Well I don't know, yeah, well no,
Speaker 1: I mean no, I I knew why you were in
Speaker 1: but then I was just like, I remember we'd see
Speaker 1: it diners, and I like the things inside of me,
Speaker 1: I just can't get them. No, you would always be like,
Speaker 1: hey man, you're you're such a good kind person. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you don't know the real me. It's nice to watch
Speaker 1: like kind of like the freedom, like your personal has
Speaker 1: has changed. You do feel like just more free in
Speaker 1: this past year? Yeah, yeah, it's great. Well, I appreciate
Speaker 1: that you. Of course, where can we find you? And
Speaker 1: where can other people? I mean I know personally where
Speaker 1: to find you, but like, where can people find you
Speaker 1: on the internet? Oh my goodness. Please go to my
Speaker 1: website ian finance dot com. On Twitter, I'm at ian Finance.
Speaker 1: My Instagram is at eye Animal. I a n I
Speaker 1: am a l I post there a lot. I can
Speaker 1: put a lot of start usually put my shows on there,
Speaker 1: performing the city every night. I'm hitting the road in January.
Speaker 1: I'll be in Chicago, Denver and uh, lots of listeners
Speaker 1: over there. Yeah, if you want to, we know a
Speaker 1: lot of you. We've hopefully inspired you to watch some
Speaker 1: live comedy. Ian's one person that we're definitely highly recommend
Speaker 1: seeing in person if you have the opportunity to do so. Guys,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening. This has been guys.
Speaker 1: We fucked the anti slut shaming podcast. We'll talk to
Speaker 1: you next Friday. Enjoy for sandwich on your feet are out.
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