Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys, We Fucked Guys, We Guys Book. I'm Christina.
Speaker 1: I'm correct. Sorry about last night the anti slut shaming podcast.
Speaker 1: I never stopped. Yo, what a fucker's Welcome to another
Speaker 1: episode of Guys but We Fuck. That was very good.
Speaker 1: It's the anti slot shamming podcast. I'm correct. I'm Christina
Speaker 1: Marie Hutchinson and today's news item comes from the Independent UK.
Speaker 1: It's a very interesting article. I'm just to read the
Speaker 1: whole thing. It says, this is how artificial intelligence is
Speaker 1: undoing women's rights. It's another issue that I never thought of,
Speaker 1: but now I'm going to be thinking about it. Through AI,
Speaker 1: we are unpicking the seams of what feminism and the
Speaker 1: women's movement has long fought for, agency women's liberation and
Speaker 1: the idea that men and women have equal capabilities. I
Speaker 1: like this. I thought it was very fascinating. Um Before
Speaker 1: Siri and Wortana, I don't even know what that is,
Speaker 1: but it's, Oh, it's a chick. It's some Microsoft chick
Speaker 1: or some ship oh, Alexa, Syria Cortana. Before Syria and Cortana,
Speaker 1: pop culture offered up several versions of feminized artificial intelligence,
Speaker 1: but none of the artists perhaps envisioned how the reality
Speaker 1: could take us backwards rather than propel us into a new,
Speaker 1: more equal world. Charlie xc x's latest album, Pop two
Speaker 1: has been dubbed as the sequel to pop Music. The
Speaker 1: ten track mixtape is riddled with a slew of pop sirens,
Speaker 1: underground up and comers, and club ready anthems Go funk
Speaker 1: your prototype on an upgrade of your stereotype. Charlie sings
Speaker 1: in Fembot Love her Uh in ten Robin's Fembott interrogated
Speaker 1: the intersection of womanhood and android is m, while Christina
Speaker 1: Aguilera's sixth album that same year, Bionic, toyed between electro
Speaker 1: pop beats, the machine and stripped back ballads The woman
Speaker 1: I didn't even thought about I Know. This is the
Speaker 1: someone is all smart issue? Right. The phenomenon has long
Speaker 1: been computed into film and pop culture Her from two
Speaker 1: thousand thirteen, X main from but not on, the movie
Speaker 1: Stepford Wives nineteen seventy five Metropolis, but only recently have
Speaker 1: physical manifestations entered our reality. Just as we acknowledge the
Speaker 1: wiring of fembots and female pop stars, we should also
Speaker 1: consider the broader parallel between women and technology and the
Speaker 1: increased feminization of artificial intelligence. Yeah, you don't want to
Speaker 1: boss around a man, you want to boss around a lady.
Speaker 1: So interesting, these are like in the subconscious, you don't
Speaker 1: even think about it. Think to the artificial intelligence we
Speaker 1: hold in our hands or that lie at our bedside. Sirie, Google,
Speaker 1: Cortana Alexa. While Siria's default male in the United Kingdom
Speaker 1: is it's thought that Brits respond better to authoritative voices.
Speaker 1: It's typically understood that consumers are looking for a voice
Speaker 1: of obedience and subservience, a voice trained to take direction,
Speaker 1: to always be available, always of service, A woman's voice,
Speaker 1: the per servant. Historically, this fits neatly into a patriarchal tradition,
Speaker 1: where women are both forcibly and insidiously assigned roles that
Speaker 1: speak solely to servitude. Siri play some music is reminiscent
Speaker 1: of the traditional nineteen fifties housewife women locked into domestic
Speaker 1: labor and the chores of the household. Hey Google, when
Speaker 1: is my meeting today? Brings forward the mad Men era
Speaker 1: secretary carefully schooled to listen and responds that want clock oh,
Speaker 1: bone loops and respond, but never speak against women today
Speaker 1: are still overrepresented in service facing jobs nurse, teacher, flight attendant, waitress,
Speaker 1: because the language of sexism maintains that this is the
Speaker 1: natural order shit. The feminization of artificial intelligence, therefore, isn't
Speaker 1: just an illustration of women's continued subservience in current society,
Speaker 1: but it is also used as a vehicle to naturalize sexism.
Speaker 1: Even further, the more we condition ourselves to speak to
Speaker 1: our ai with the dichotomy of master and servant, the
Speaker 1: further we banish femininity and womanhood to old fashioned stereotypes
Speaker 1: about how women and men are meant to be. Worse,
Speaker 1: we begin to unpick the seams of what feminism and
Speaker 1: the women's movement has long fought for agency women's liberation
Speaker 1: and the idea that men and women have equal capabilities.
Speaker 1: Instead of designing technology that can move us forward towards
Speaker 1: gender equality, it seems that major tech industries are simply
Speaker 1: regurgitating and reproducing the status quo, designing for the world
Speaker 1: that already is, rather than the world that ought to be.
Speaker 1: It seems almost comical and its dullness that, when faced
Speaker 1: with the opportunity to design a post human world, cutting
Speaker 1: edge tech still caters to traditional gender roles. But is
Speaker 1: this all too surprising when considering the makeup of the
Speaker 1: tech industry. Across all the powerhouse companies Google, Apple, Amazon, Intel, Microsoft,
Speaker 1: white men lead the pack in both average employment and leadership.
Speaker 1: In seeing the blueprints of our society's future, Google plans
Speaker 1: to build cities. It looks as if Charlie's and anthemic
Speaker 1: um vision, the upgrade of our stereotypes is destined to
Speaker 1: short circuit. Just as texts power, this person is good?
Speaker 1: Is this a lady? Who are the article? It's a
Speaker 1: weird name. I can't tell. Just as texts power to
Speaker 1: influence and shape our future and its values continues to grow,
Speaker 1: so does the urgency for inclusivity and diversity. Because this
Speaker 1: upgrade can only be completed once women are invited to
Speaker 1: become the architects of these societal values and importantly, their
Speaker 1: own voices. And that's why my SII is a man. Hey, Sirie,
Speaker 1: do you think I'm pretty? I'm not one to fuck off?
Speaker 1: Well that's nice, he's not external appearances. The name of
Speaker 1: the author is Dijontnovic, which to me seems more male,
Speaker 1: but also it's like an Icelandic name. That are something
Speaker 1: of that nature which I don't know. I'm sure someone
Speaker 1: between you and be like, that's hey Si, Hey Siri.
Speaker 1: Who's better women or men? In real? Anyone can be
Speaker 1: anything fucking real Vague America and today's show sponsored by
Speaker 1: talk Space, the online therapy company that lets you message
Speaker 1: a license therapist from anywhere at any time. Can't imagine
Speaker 1: fitting another appointment in your life because you're Alexa or
Speaker 1: Cortana or Google plays like and then I can't do
Speaker 1: well with talk Space. Therapy is as easy as sending
Speaker 1: your therapist a message, no commutes, no leaving the office,
Speaker 1: and no judgments to match with the perfect therapist for
Speaker 1: a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. Go to
Speaker 1: talk space dot com slash GWF and use code g
Speaker 1: WF to get forty five dollars off your first month
Speaker 1: and show your support for this show. That's GWF and
Speaker 1: talk space dot com slash gws. Come see us live
Speaker 1: tonight Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and tomorrow which is gonna get Hagen
Speaker 1: and come see us live which is August three through
Speaker 1: the fourth. We're gonna be at Helium in Philly. Get
Speaker 1: tickets to that. It's gonna be hot shows. And then
Speaker 1: next weekend Washington d C. August nine through eleven, we're
Speaker 1: going to be bringing the Bridget Bishop towards to the
Speaker 1: d C and then Dallas, Texas. We're coming to auguste
Speaker 1: the Addison Improv. We're also going to be in Atlanta.
Speaker 1: We're gonna be in Canada sometimes. Go to Sorry about
Speaker 1: Last Night Comedy dot com slash tours for all of
Speaker 1: our days and information. Uh and Nacho Bitches is officially
Speaker 1: over put a nail in that coffin, but you can
Speaker 1: still listen to the two Less Lonely Girls podcast, which
Speaker 1: is about celebrity and Justin Bieber. It's thirty minutes, it's free.
Speaker 1: It comes out on Mondays and it's co hosted by
Speaker 1: myself and rosebud Baker. And then on Saturday, August eighteen.
Speaker 1: Are We've put a lot of work into this, uh,
Speaker 1: and so have some amazing fuckers who have designed, organized,
Speaker 1: counted chairs, done blueprints. Just we have the most fucking listeners. Really,
Speaker 1: it's the biggest honor in the world to have people
Speaker 1: who listen to this who are dedicated, passionate and talented
Speaker 1: in unique and amazing careers. UH. So it's gonna be
Speaker 1: at Brooklyn Studios. It's guys we Fest. It's a two
Speaker 1: charity event. The daytime UH is going to be booths
Speaker 1: where you can volunteer, you can donate, you can learn
Speaker 1: about organizations in the New York City area that are
Speaker 1: doing work to make the world a better place and
Speaker 1: could use your help. There's gonna be fun stuff too.
Speaker 1: You can get your makeup dragged out by the wonderful
Speaker 1: Vickie de Ville. UH. Thomas Whitfield is going to be
Speaker 1: doing a sex talk back about breakups. We're gonna have
Speaker 1: musical guests UM and the nighttime. We're gonna have comedians
Speaker 1: in the nighttime UH and the morning's part that's all ages.
Speaker 1: The nighttime is twenty one plus. You can buy a
Speaker 1: morning pass, you can buy a night pass, or you
Speaker 1: can buy a combo pass. We try to keep the
Speaker 1: prices really reasonable and a hundred percent of the proceeds
Speaker 1: are going to be split between New Alternatives for at
Speaker 1: Risk l g B t Q Youth and the Reproductive
Speaker 1: Health Access Project. For more information on that, you can
Speaker 1: go to Sorry about Last Night Comedy dot com, slash
Speaker 1: guys we Fest, and if any of you fuckers, run
Speaker 1: a nonprofit or are involved in a nonprofit that is
Speaker 1: located in the New York City area, we would love
Speaker 1: to have you on Guys we Fest on Saturday August eighteenth.
Speaker 1: We're looking for people have organizations or who are involved
Speaker 1: in organizations that have an outreach person available to run
Speaker 1: a booth on Saturday, August eighteen. At that booth, you
Speaker 1: can sign up people to volunteer for your organization, You
Speaker 1: can accept donations, and you can also sell any merchandise
Speaker 1: you have and keep a hundred percent of the profits.
Speaker 1: We don't charge a fee to set up a booth,
Speaker 1: but we are only accepting twenty booths. UH. And then
Speaker 1: if you are a woman, especially a woman of color
Speaker 1: or a member of the lgbt Q community, we would
Speaker 1: absolutely love to have you set up a booth that
Speaker 1: is for profit because we want fun stuff, we want goods,
Speaker 1: we want jewelry, we want cubcakes, we want whatever thing
Speaker 1: that you have to offer, as long as it lends
Speaker 1: itself to a booth. You can email a description of
Speaker 1: your booth what it would look like, and UH a
Speaker 1: link to your website to sorry about last night in
Speaker 1: turn at gmail dot com and UH someone will get
Speaker 1: back to you right away. Again. Uh, nonprofits do not
Speaker 1: charge anything for the booth and you can keep whatever
Speaker 1: you make. For profit booths charge a one time fee
Speaker 1: of a hundred dollars, which of it will go to
Speaker 1: New Alternatives and the Reproductive Health Access Project, and then
Speaker 1: you get to keep anything that you make from there.
Speaker 1: We are expecting about five people at the event, so
Speaker 1: you should go home with a good amount of money
Speaker 1: and a lot of knowledge spreading for whatever it is
Speaker 1: you're making or doing or promoting, and we would absolutely
Speaker 1: love to have you there. Again. This is all for
Speaker 1: booths for Saturday, August eighteenth at guys we Fest, and
Speaker 1: it's Sorry about last Night in turn at gmail dot
Speaker 1: com is the contact. If you need more information on
Speaker 1: guys we Fest, please head to Sorry about last Night
Speaker 1: comedy dot com slash guys we Fest and make sure
Speaker 1: to follow guys we Fest on social media Twitter, Instagram, Facebook,
Speaker 1: Snapchat and you will get all the most up to
Speaker 1: date announcements about guests, booths, organizations, and things that we
Speaker 1: need for guys we Fest. Thanks so much. Al Right,
Speaker 1: guys we got a new sponsor and that new sponsor
Speaker 1: is sent Bird. Sent Bird is a luxury fragrance subscription
Speaker 1: service that offers over four hundred fifty designer brands like Product, Gucci,
Speaker 1: Kate Spade, Nust and more. These are really great brands.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm saying. I'm like that sent
Speaker 1: Bird is just as practical as it is exciting. Choose
Speaker 1: your fragrance and get a new cent each month in
Speaker 1: a sleek travel spray that last thirty days or more.
Speaker 1: Instead of watching expensive perfume and cologne bottles gathered dusts
Speaker 1: on your dresser, you get to experience hundreds of top
Speaker 1: designer fragrances delivered right to your door. You can search
Speaker 1: by brand, mood, occasion, or personality to find your dream scent.
Speaker 1: The more you rate fragrances, the more personalized your recommendations become.
Speaker 1: I fucking love sent Bird because I personally I really
Speaker 1: like wearing perfume, but I like switching it up. And
Speaker 1: I the only big bottle perfume I've ever bought. I
Speaker 1: can't take it with me when I travel, and I
Speaker 1: hate it. So now I only by travel sizes and
Speaker 1: it's amazing. T s A doesn't give a shit. Uh,
Speaker 1: it fits the liquid requirements and it's just it's nice.
Speaker 1: It's nice to smell, you know, new ways at different times.
Speaker 1: That's why I use centerbird dot com. Sorry that sounded terrible,
Speaker 1: but I really do use it. Visit cent bird dot
Speaker 1: com slash GWF and use the code GWF for off.
Speaker 1: That's only seven fifty for your first month and free
Speaker 1: shipping Boom s C E N T bird dot com
Speaker 1: slasher GWF and news code GWF for off your first
Speaker 1: month data fragrance before you have to commit to it forever.
Speaker 1: And thank you so much to Spotify. I love Spotify.
Speaker 1: Oh god, some things were meant for each other. Fries
Speaker 1: and milkshakes, selfies and duck face and now guys, we
Speaker 1: fucked and Spotify. Yes, the same app that has millions
Speaker 1: of songs now also has thousands of podcasts. Listen to
Speaker 1: all your favorite shows and discover new ones by browsing
Speaker 1: categories such as lifestyle, news, comedy, sports and recreation and more. Plus,
Speaker 1: you can save podcasts offline for when you don't have
Speaker 1: an Internet connection, like when you're on an airplane back
Speaker 1: home to New York City. Oh my god, that's perfect,
Speaker 1: and you Spotify connect to seamlessly play podcasts two different
Speaker 1: devices to subscribe to our show, just search for guys
Speaker 1: We Fucked Top follow and get every new episode delivered
Speaker 1: to you. I love Spotify. I listen to it for music.
Speaker 1: I do discover comedy albums. I discover podcast I've never
Speaker 1: heard before. It gives you a little bit of everything,
Speaker 1: and it's great for someone like me who's always looking
Speaker 1: for something new. I have the things that I love,
Speaker 1: but I'm always looking for new artists and new comedians
Speaker 1: and new things listen to. And we just listened to
Speaker 1: the Confidence Playlist. They have all these playlists that are amazing.
Speaker 1: It was a confidence boost or something. Yeah, it's called
Speaker 1: titles lame, but it's a It really did boost my
Speaker 1: confidence that Christina was like, do you have anything that
Speaker 1: you want to listen to? And I was like, well,
Speaker 1: there is this playlist called I was like don't I
Speaker 1: was like, don't let that make you not like it.
Speaker 1: But I found it and I just looked at the
Speaker 1: trucks and I was like, I love these artists. And
Speaker 1: I played it and I was like, is there poisoning here?
Speaker 1: Because I do feel better about my Spotify just is
Speaker 1: one of the few companies in the world that I
Speaker 1: just truly adore. Oh I love, I really love Spotify
Speaker 1: and I love their service and we prent and I've
Speaker 1: both been you know, paying for our Spotify accounts and
Speaker 1: well before they yeah yeah, yeah licked our asses. Yeah
Speaker 1: they licked their Yeah, thanks spotifys. Oh they're great. I
Speaker 1: love Spotify Guys podcast on Spotify their stream right now
Speaker 1: and now now about now, I feel you've definitely heard
Speaker 1: us talk about me and he's you know, the fun,
Speaker 1: comfy Andy's that feel as good as they look. They
Speaker 1: hug you butt in all the right crevices. Is really nice.
Speaker 1: So those of you who haven't tried them yet, listen
Speaker 1: to funk up right now. You understand me. Meany sends
Speaker 1: incredible underwear straight to your door. No more hunting around
Speaker 1: for the perfect pair at a crowded store and you're
Speaker 1: starving and your children are crying and you don't know
Speaker 1: what to do. You just go all Andy'll deliver it
Speaker 1: to you. Okay. It's the comfiest underwear you'll ever own.
Speaker 1: And I know because it's all the underwear that I wear.
Speaker 1: In fact, last week you might have heard about me
Speaker 1: talking about how I sharded and pair but yeah, I
Speaker 1: did okay. I'm sitting in them right now, and I
Speaker 1: had two redbells. Your girl don't drink red bull that often.
Speaker 1: I think I might shart again if I haven't already.
Speaker 1: But that's okay because Meandi's comfy. My butt hole is
Speaker 1: so good that to makes sense. I'm so swear. Me
Speaker 1: Andy's shows sure that you'll love your first pair, that
Speaker 1: if you're not happy, they'll do whatever they can to
Speaker 1: get you into the right pair, and if they can't
Speaker 1: keep them, and they'll refund you. It really is risk
Speaker 1: free to try the best underwear ever in the whole world,
Speaker 1: in the universe. But if you're still not sure, wow, Well,
Speaker 1: me Andy's has a deal for you. First time purchasers
Speaker 1: get fifteen percent off their first pair of Meandy's and
Speaker 1: free shipping. That is fifteen percent off plus free shipping
Speaker 1: and a guarantee that you and your Meandi's will be
Speaker 1: very happy together. Just go to me Andy's dot com
Speaker 1: slash GWF and treat yourself seriously. My plussy looks so
Speaker 1: good to me Andy's. You got tried. Your pussy looks yeah,
Speaker 1: And I didn't think that would be possible, Like I
Speaker 1: never really like thought that about myself and underwear, but
Speaker 1: with me and he's is a little different. Subject to
Speaker 1: this email my bff's boyfriend kiss me last night? What
Speaker 1: the funk do I do? Oh? Bitch you and a
Speaker 1: pickle trying to make that work? Okay, we're trying to
Speaker 1: sell a TV show, and if you want to add us,
Speaker 1: it's sorry about last night comedy your show like that.
Speaker 1: We're so not confident in the concept that we're just
Speaker 1: giving it away on the podcast. Oh I'm very confident,
Speaker 1: and I were rubbing in all y'all's faces that you
Speaker 1: didn't think of it first. Don't yell at us. Please
Speaker 1: don't call. I know. I got update on my website. Okay,
Speaker 1: follows on social media planthropy gal and I'm Christina hutch
Speaker 1: and sorry about last night because we are our numbers
Speaker 1: aren't up to I really am gonna shoot myself. I
Speaker 1: think I am. I told you, I told bull because
Speaker 1: my ass was leaking. Do you need to get up? No? No,
Speaker 1: I'm sucking it in. Okay, God, I think I'll get
Speaker 1: unlimited free me. Andy's right. Okay. The subject my bff's
Speaker 1: boyfriend kissed me last night? What do I do with this?
Speaker 1: Goes in the podcast. Don't use my real name. Y'all
Speaker 1: can just call me Julie or something. Okay, Julie, I've
Speaker 1: known my best friend for over thirteen years. While you're
Speaker 1: real loyal, I have to I have to poop so bad.
Speaker 1: Please just stop. No, I can do it. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna ship. Y'all can call me Julie. Okay.
Speaker 1: I've known my best friend for over thirteen years. She
Speaker 1: and her boyfriend, let's call him Matt, of four years,
Speaker 1: live about three hours from me. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: numbers being thrown at me, so I visit once every
Speaker 1: couple of months. We all went out for drinks last night.
Speaker 1: The night started at eight and we didn't get back
Speaker 1: to their house until three am. My best friend went
Speaker 1: to bed and I went to lay down on the couch.
Speaker 1: Matt retreated to his man cave. Hate him already. I
Speaker 1: just see Matt sitting like a Jets football. Matt retreated
Speaker 1: to his man cave to play some video games. He's
Speaker 1: almost thirty. I roll. I mean that that's not that
Speaker 1: bad whatever. I was watching What an old fuck? I
Speaker 1: was watching TV because I couldn't sleep. When he came back.
Speaker 1: He sat down on the opposite side of the couch.
Speaker 1: I started getting sleepy, so I let him know that
Speaker 1: I was going to turn the TV off so he
Speaker 1: could go to his room too, And then he scooted
Speaker 1: it over, leaned in and kiss me. It was it
Speaker 1: was small pecks with an s that's so creepy, and
Speaker 1: I knew he was drunk and I was now sobering up,
Speaker 1: so I told him to stop, and he did what
Speaker 1: a hero. I added that part. I didn't kiss him back. Uh.
Speaker 1: He did not say a peep and went to his room,
Speaker 1: where my best friend was sleeping. He has always been
Speaker 1: the sweetest guy to my BFF and to all our
Speaker 1: her friends, including me. He is the absolute best is he?
Speaker 1: So I'm really fucking shocked that he did this. I
Speaker 1: don't know what to do. I know I did nothing
Speaker 1: wrong because I'm um, but I'm scared my best friend
Speaker 1: won't see it that way. I haven't had the best
Speaker 1: track record with guys. I've actually hooked up with guys
Speaker 1: in relationships that seek me out. I know, I know
Speaker 1: I suck, but I would never go after a friend's boyfriend.
Speaker 1: I'm on my way home now and didn't get to
Speaker 1: see him this morning since he was still asleep. Should
Speaker 1: I speak to him first, tell him to apologize for
Speaker 1: putting me in this fucked up situation? Am I overreacting?
Speaker 1: I honestly feel that if she finds out our friendship
Speaker 1: is going to end. I cannot lose my best friend.
Speaker 1: She's like family. My father passed away last year and
Speaker 1: I'm not over that at all, so losing her would
Speaker 1: be too much for me to handle. I suffer from
Speaker 1: slightly a slight anxiety and depression, so my emotions are
Speaker 1: all over the place. Any advice would be great since
Speaker 1: I literally can't go to anybody I know about this. UM,
Speaker 1: you don't even have to re answer this on the podcast,
Speaker 1: Just reply if you want to. I just need help.
Speaker 1: UM okay, Oh gosh, okay, that's okay. So this email,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to if I'm putting myself in her shoes.
Speaker 1: I have my loyalties to my best friend of thirteen years.
Speaker 1: I would say something, but I wouldn't treat I don't
Speaker 1: think this is the biggest deal in the world. It's
Speaker 1: just a very uncomfortable situation. Maybe there's something that they
Speaker 1: you know, maybe you're her best friend and this boyfriend
Speaker 1: of last four years. Maybe they have an open thing.
Speaker 1: Maybe they or maybe they talk about her. Maybe I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know. It was stupid of him
Speaker 1: and it's wrong, But I would talk to her about it.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm just too I I'm bad with
Speaker 1: when to keep things secret and went to not. I
Speaker 1: don't have a good gauge on that, and so my
Speaker 1: first gut reaction would be to to I would go
Speaker 1: to her, but she knows the friend more. I don't
Speaker 1: know what kind of girl this friend is. If this
Speaker 1: if this woman is the type of woman who would
Speaker 1: freak out and maybe overreact and like maybe lash out
Speaker 1: on the friend, even though it's not her fault. I
Speaker 1: do understand if she would, because that's it's embarrassing if
Speaker 1: your if your boyfriend kisses your best friend like that's
Speaker 1: it's it's angry. There's a lot of emotions there, right,
Speaker 1: But I would. I mean, I'm just thinking of my
Speaker 1: best friend Melissa, and I would tell her. See, my
Speaker 1: thing is just based on the description, this doesn't sound
Speaker 1: like that big of a deal because number one, it's
Speaker 1: pex you didn't kiss that back, you didn't have a
Speaker 1: makeout session and he was really not saying anything. It's
Speaker 1: just like he kind of did something weird. My I mean,
Speaker 1: ultimately you have to see how he was. My thing
Speaker 1: would be first when you, when you're both sober, have
Speaker 1: a conversation with the boyfriend you obviously know him very well,
Speaker 1: and just be like, yo, what the fun was up? That?
Speaker 1: Just say what the fun? Just like that, I'd be like,
Speaker 1: what that was weird? Made me feel uncomfortable. It might
Speaker 1: hurt this friend than it needed to do. Well, that's
Speaker 1: why I think, because I'm like, just because it was
Speaker 1: such a such a little thing, like I don't even
Speaker 1: think it's like this is I think this is truly
Speaker 1: like someone getting drunk and just doing a weird thing
Speaker 1: and like pex, I mean like pex pecks. It's like
Speaker 1: you know it was it was it like sexual? Was
Speaker 1: it just like romance? Like I love you, you're one
Speaker 1: of my best friends. I don't know with the amount
Speaker 1: of time that you've known each other, and like I'm
Speaker 1: sure you guys have had intimate moments just you know,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like when you when you're friends with
Speaker 1: someone for a long time, you become close a lot
Speaker 1: of times with their significant others. If you're if you're
Speaker 1: hanging out a lot, which it seems you guys do,
Speaker 1: the whole thing is just weird. Uh yeah, I would
Speaker 1: run to buy the boyfriend first. And uh because it
Speaker 1: seems like you're so scared, which to me says that
Speaker 1: you don't think your best friend's gonna take it well.
Speaker 1: And I feel like it's going to give her more
Speaker 1: to think about an obsess over than the situation really
Speaker 1: needs because it's not that serious. And if this is
Speaker 1: the first weird thing he's ever done, and if he
Speaker 1: really treats your friend kindly in respect, like a drunk, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're right, Westlia. I was like, I won't be anymore.
Speaker 1: Um No, I I think, yeah, you're right. You're right.
Speaker 1: You're right because because and just don't beat yourself up
Speaker 1: because you did nothing wrong. It's like you've already had
Speaker 1: you've already had a tough year, and like this is
Speaker 1: not it's just really not. It feels bad because of
Speaker 1: the deep love you have for your best friend. And
Speaker 1: if you are not that bad, you are somebody with anxiety,
Speaker 1: and I am somebody with anxiety. I understand you, like
Speaker 1: really just kind of losing sleep over this, This is a.
Speaker 1: It's a confusing situation, but I think there's a way
Speaker 1: to handle it that doesn't really upset anybody. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: it depends. Like if someone told me that, like about
Speaker 1: like James or something, I'd be like, I would just
Speaker 1: be like look at James and be like, what the
Speaker 1: wait wait wait wait wait wait it's wrong with you?
Speaker 1: What are you doing? I could have I could have
Speaker 1: imagined like an X of mind doing that, and uh
Speaker 1: I would I mean personally, but come on, Stephen, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I wouldn't be that pissed.
Speaker 1: It's like, get yourself together. Yeah, that's why I was
Speaker 1: just some water, get yourself together. Yeah yeah, yeah. So
Speaker 1: you know, hey, our guests. I am so excited for
Speaker 1: this week's guest. We've been wanting to have him on forever.
Speaker 1: Every time we come to Los Angeles, I go and
Speaker 1: track down a comedian at the comedy store because I
Speaker 1: love him so much. He's a stand up comedian. He's
Speaker 1: the co host of the podcast Mother Suckers. And I
Speaker 1: like that you wrote this in a coffee and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna read this because you guys listen together. And comedian
Speaker 1: with a with a wife that I most want to funk.
Speaker 1: And I say that with a lot of respect, and
Speaker 1: I follow you guys both on Instagram out of solidary
Speaker 1: because I feel, I guess guilty about it. But it's
Speaker 1: not like I didn't do you want to the wife?
Speaker 1: No I feel no, no, no no, I feel guilty.
Speaker 1: No no no. That's very sweet of you. But you
Speaker 1: know I don't. I really don't lean towards pussy. Um. No,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like, out of the comedians I know
Speaker 1: who are very happily married, Oh I see, I see.
Speaker 1: I say, this is a different lifetime. You know, if
Speaker 1: you guys were open to the three, so maybe I'd
Speaker 1: consider it. Seems like I'm a cute dog. I don't
Speaker 1: say that to anyone, like two people like I don't
Speaker 1: like them, but I like these I like these these
Speaker 1: two people together, and now we've done ourselves a real
Speaker 1: weird grave. And also, Demi Levada, if you're listening, I
Speaker 1: did decide you're the one woman that I will hook
Speaker 1: up with, but I'm sure you could probably get some
Speaker 1: on your five. I'm too for you. Um, don't ate shame.
Speaker 1: I'm triggered, you bitch. Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: Christina thank you. I'm gonna go blow my ass. Please
Speaker 1: welcome our guest, Sandy danco. Oh, I have a bit
Speaker 1: to speaking to one of the good one, one of
Speaker 1: the good ones, so today about days? Am I ready
Speaker 1: to me one of a good one, one that's a
Speaker 1: good one. How would I have known? Thank God with
Speaker 1: me told you're not the problem. Oh, ask me and
Speaker 1: get my problem mission following me. Oh am, I so
Speaker 1: lucky to have finally down one of the good one,
Speaker 1: one of the good one, that's a good one too.
Speaker 1: They announced the day I one of the good one,
Speaker 1: one of a good one to deserve all the pussy
Speaker 1: and the whole wide ware. And if you don't get it,
Speaker 1: we'll just explain why, just explain why should explain you
Speaker 1: should get that? Listen, I'll never put you in the
Speaker 1: friends all. I'm want to read because you want a
Speaker 1: good Yeah. Sure, I wanted to start out because I
Speaker 1: listened to that one and you were talking about how
Speaker 1: you you know, did well at the pool here. Oh
Speaker 1: I did do well. I well, I had a no
Speaker 1: guy July rule my best friend and I broke it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I probably I found out into a couple of
Speaker 1: days into no guy July that if you want to
Speaker 1: funk a guy during No Guy July, you actually you
Speaker 1: can do whatever you want. It's your own rules. It's
Speaker 1: just no Guy July feels like you're you're doing something
Speaker 1: for yourself. That's possibly good. Oh, but it's like you
Speaker 1: can if you want to suck a guy during No
Speaker 1: Guy July, you know it's your body. You do what
Speaker 1: you want. I'm doing no car August. I'm doing no
Speaker 1: spending money ever, and I can make up my own role.
Speaker 1: I tried that for a while, no spending money. It
Speaker 1: doesn't work. Ways did you get without spending money? I've
Speaker 1: gone like three or four days. I can see when
Speaker 1: I was in your poor poor or poor, I would
Speaker 1: milk every resource I had. I was able to do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like eating food from work or taking toilet paper from work.
Speaker 1: Toilet paper from work was like taking supplies from work,
Speaker 1: but eating snacks of not spending money. If you're like
Speaker 1: steal paid rent for the month, well you have to
Speaker 1: that know, the out to pay thing doesn't It's just
Speaker 1: like you know, transactions. I would say, when you're many money,
Speaker 1: it's like any transaction. Yeah that is not on auto pay. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was my rule, and well I didn't even have
Speaker 1: auto payback when I was doing no spending money ever,
Speaker 1: because if that's how you get zero money, you get
Speaker 1: a zero bank balance. And then TD banks like, you
Speaker 1: have negative dollars, so we're going to charge you thirty
Speaker 1: five dollars for every day you have negative money? Like,
Speaker 1: how is that helping me? T D Bank? Go fu yourself?
Speaker 1: How many times I've changed my bank because they did that?
Speaker 1: And I threatened, I'm going to take all my negative
Speaker 1: money out of this bank if you don't reverse these charges,
Speaker 1: and they called my bluff and I just ended up
Speaker 1: having to spend an entire day at another bank opening up.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's a lot of time. I am taking
Speaker 1: my business elsewhere. I'm a professional comedian. I learned this.
Speaker 1: You don't have money. You can't close an account with
Speaker 1: a negative balance. Oh I've tried, because people have tried
Speaker 1: to do that before. I'm sure, But I'm like, how
Speaker 1: can you just sit here and take money away from
Speaker 1: a girl who has no money? And they're like like this, yeah,
Speaker 1: they're how are you doing? I'm great? So does she
Speaker 1: goel comfortable now? Yes, I'm very comfortable. A little magical
Speaker 1: podcasting magic. We're in our Airbnb U dining room. Just
Speaker 1: f y. I it's a little echo eager than usual,
Speaker 1: but that's okay. I think it gives it character, and
Speaker 1: it gives it l A and the ghost just said
Speaker 1: hi by blinking the lights. You know you've made it
Speaker 1: in the podcast world. If you're in a dining room.
Speaker 1: That's true. You're in a dining room and we don't
Speaker 1: even own it. How old are you? You don't I'm
Speaker 1: thirty four? Thirty four? Okaye? Young? Thing? Yeah? Sure in
Speaker 1: l A is like middle even for a man. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, sixty looks like forty here, Oh yes it does.
Speaker 1: My friend old day, someone who was sixty, I would
Speaker 1: if they were hot, I feel like in l A
Speaker 1: sixty Oh I would do that if my sixty dream
Speaker 1: was Tim Curry. But is he is he straight? Uh? Whatever?
Speaker 1: I would say, I would say no. But he's not
Speaker 1: like out would a guy like Tim Curry. He's got
Speaker 1: to be just pan sexually what he has exactly? Well,
Speaker 1: the thing is he definitely has like fucked guys like
Speaker 1: Freddie Mercury, perhaps like the Lucky Man. I don't know,
Speaker 1: but because well he was a singer, you know in
Speaker 1: the eighties, he had a tim had a hit song
Speaker 1: called I Do the Raw. Okay, anyway, I'm like obsessed.
Speaker 1: Is it about Dwayne the Rock Johnson? Yes, you about
Speaker 1: him before he lives He like he lived in this area,
Speaker 1: which is the first time I've ever heard of this area.
Speaker 1: Los police isn a great way to pronounce I don't
Speaker 1: know how to pronounce it. You know, people that took
Speaker 1: Spanish in high school pronounce it that. But if you
Speaker 1: live here, you call it Los Feless. Oh, we feel it.
Speaker 1: It's weird either way. But then that's the problem. You
Speaker 1: don't call it Los Angeles though. That's why I was
Speaker 1: confused Los Angeles right, like you lost your mind because
Speaker 1: I kind of lost New Jersey and I'm like lost,
Speaker 1: Please everybody, I'm staying lost, fulease. But anyway, So this
Speaker 1: is Seim Grey used to live in this area. Um
Speaker 1: but I think he did. Fu Madeleine con He shares
Speaker 1: a birthday with me, so I feel like that's basically
Speaker 1: like he's kind of anyone has ever said to me.
Speaker 1: Um but yeah, but I think in the seventies in Hollywood,
Speaker 1: re one was just fucking everybody. Yeah, I mean this
Speaker 1: really this place reeks of seventies Hollywood. I can't come
Speaker 1: to Los Angeles and not just like feel like I'm
Speaker 1: getting sucked back into seventies Hollywood. Not that I was
Speaker 1: ever there in the first place, but I feel as
Speaker 1: though it's the time warp. But we we got to
Speaker 1: experience it through VH one when we were a teenage.
Speaker 1: That's a good point. So what was your childhood like that?
Speaker 1: I gotta address something. So I listen to you guys podcast. Yes,
Speaker 1: came in. I'm not going to call you. You can
Speaker 1: I've gotten I don't take issue with anything, but I
Speaker 1: just wanted to bring up We'll get into my childhood
Speaker 1: that's boring, suburban whatever, blah blah blah. I'm dressed like
Speaker 1: a like a cool camp counselor. Yeah, that tells you
Speaker 1: all you need to. Bobcats had a defunct team women
Speaker 1: for McCain. Palin Sure too much. So, but what do
Speaker 1: you want to say? Um, so you got it in
Speaker 1: the pool? Yes, I did it, so me. I noticed.
Speaker 1: Both listened to the podcast and we were She's like
Speaker 1: very excited that I'm here, and so we were listening
Speaker 1: to that and it it drummed up to very uh
Speaker 1: memorable sexual experiences that we've had. Perfect and if you want,
Speaker 1: you know what, I can take you question you asked
Speaker 1: me about my childhood. Me and my wife, we're high
Speaker 1: school sweethearts. We we lost our virginities to each other,
Speaker 1: cute school. We're not still together. We I mean we
Speaker 1: we are now, but like we weren't like together the
Speaker 1: whole time. What we call him like Cannon here on
Speaker 1: the podcast. Yeah, yeah, he has a joke about like,
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, I still got like HPV and ships. Yeah,
Speaker 1: me and him. So, my wife was living in New
Speaker 1: York in two thousand twelve, and I was out there like, fuck,
Speaker 1: l A, I'm gonna live in New York and be
Speaker 1: a real comic and not just like going on auditions
Speaker 1: and going up like I'm gonna live in the sunshiny
Speaker 1: fucking place. Yeah, yeah I was. You know, it's such
Speaker 1: a lateral move when you when you're a comic in
Speaker 1: one of the places we moved to the other. You know,
Speaker 1: you're just like this, maybe this will be the tra
Speaker 1: it'll be sunnier for me across the country. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: think there's a change, there's no change. It's all them,
Speaker 1: not me. Yeah, I love blame other people. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: And then I was walking around in the East village
Speaker 1: and uh I I saw justin long break up a
Speaker 1: bum fight, and that's the last anyone's ever seen of them.
Speaker 1: And then I bumped into a friend from high school
Speaker 1: who's like one of my wife's best friends, and she
Speaker 1: told her I was in town. We got drinks later
Speaker 1: in my trip there, and now we're married with a child.
Speaker 1: Whoa wait, wait what happened? Alright? So between there we
Speaker 1: had we had like a drinks where I was like,
Speaker 1: we both went in like we're just friends catching up,
Speaker 1: and I took a little mom that night, unbeknownst to
Speaker 1: her beautiful drug. Yeah, Like I was with a friend
Speaker 1: of mine was also visiting New York. So we were
Speaker 1: like meeting up to hang out and we did Molly,
Speaker 1: and then we met up with my ex who is
Speaker 1: now my wife, and uh, I got my own rebound
Speaker 1: and uh we got drinks and then she was coming
Speaker 1: out of the bathroom She's like, are you wearing cologne?
Speaker 1: And I was, and then we started making out. That
Speaker 1: was that's the strangest I want to make out with
Speaker 1: you right now? How do I smell? Wait? Did you
Speaker 1: wear cologne that night because you thought you wanted to
Speaker 1: impress her, like you thought there was something more there,
Speaker 1: or do you always work cologne always? When you guys
Speaker 1: wear cologne, Smelling good is I think way more important
Speaker 1: than looking good? Honestly, Yeah, because when I smell ex
Speaker 1: body spray, I still think of my first ever boyfriend.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you smelled bad, that would be a
Speaker 1: hard no. But if you look bad, I'd be like
Speaker 1: I might still be into it. Yeah, exactly. If you
Speaker 1: ever have to tickle the other sense, you know, you
Speaker 1: gotta work with your strange and uh. Anyway, we we
Speaker 1: left the bar. There was a big group of us
Speaker 1: from high school and I couldn't find her and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, wow, going to hook up with my ax.
Speaker 1: And then I don't know where, she popped out of
Speaker 1: some storefront with two tacos and then a separate container
Speaker 1: of sour cream, and I was like one of them
Speaker 1: was for me, but I was like too high on
Speaker 1: Molly that so I just watched her wolf down these
Speaker 1: tacos and like scooping up the sour cream. I was
Speaker 1: very turned out. Did you have sex at night? We did,
Speaker 1: and she was on her period. Wow, to fuck somebody
Speaker 1: who used to fuck while they're bleeding. That is a
Speaker 1: very similar experience. You know what. I wasn't freaked out
Speaker 1: by it, and I think she was. She later told
Speaker 1: me that it turned her on that I wasn't freaking
Speaker 1: so sexy when a guy doesn't give a ship when um,
Speaker 1: the person that I was fucking when we were sucking
Speaker 1: in the morning and he pulled Every part of any
Speaker 1: podcast is you try not to say. I know, it's
Speaker 1: been years. I know. And there's this one episode where
Speaker 1: I did say his first name, and then there's a
Speaker 1: threat about who is it? Literally Christina not trying not
Speaker 1: to say this one person's name. And it's sad because
Speaker 1: I am like, I will forever be in love with him,
Speaker 1: but it's somebody from high school for you to from
Speaker 1: your past. Well, Christina, it might have been he's the
Speaker 1: famous guy. Yeah, um, that I'm forever smitten with until
Speaker 1: the end of time. But when his dick came like
Speaker 1: when he pulled out, does it rhyme with Ron Cam No,
Speaker 1: we'll tell you, We'll tell you, I'll tell you all there. Um,
Speaker 1: But he pulled out and his penis was covered in blood,
Speaker 1: and I was like, you look like you like that too,
Speaker 1: And I go, oh my god, I'm so sorry, and
Speaker 1: he goes, I don't give a ship and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: keep sea. That's the Classicus response to baby marry me
Speaker 1: right now. So we were she didn't tell me she
Speaker 1: was on her period. We got back to her place
Speaker 1: and we were fooling around and you know, got to
Speaker 1: the breaking point. Yeah, and you saw it. You saw
Speaker 1: the period the strings. Yeah. See, this is why if
Speaker 1: I spink I'm gonna hook up with someone, I try
Speaker 1: to wear a pad and then I just I just
Speaker 1: throw the pad with the underwear and I go, what
Speaker 1: hap like, I magine just slip in the bed. There's
Speaker 1: so many times when I've like thrown a pad with underwear,
Speaker 1: like just my bed. You gotta be careful you have
Speaker 1: a dog, because they will eat. My dog loves tampons.
Speaker 1: It's his favorite snack. You got a goth dog. My
Speaker 1: Purita hasn't made tampons yet, but dogs love them. Copyright.
Speaker 1: You can get him at the bark spot. Did your
Speaker 1: did your did she have did she take her underwaff?
Speaker 1: And there's just a string dangling. No. Well, it's just
Speaker 1: like I like put my hand, and as far as
Speaker 1: I remember, I put my hand down her pants and
Speaker 1: then she took her pants off, and then I saw
Speaker 1: it and she's like no, and I was like why not?
Speaker 1: And she's like I think she was like, wait, did
Speaker 1: you pull it out for her? I'm going to get wet.
Speaker 1: Well I go, I go, stuff, Who's going to pull
Speaker 1: it out? Are you? And she? And that's the title
Speaker 1: of the episode. Oh my god, we told her mom
Speaker 1: she can't listen to this episode, her listen to any
Speaker 1: podcast that. That's so sweet? So who pulled the tampon? Now?
Speaker 1: And I like, that's why your finger? I skypook. And
Speaker 1: then the next morning gets ripped it up. Well our dog,
Speaker 1: but now oh it's now it's our dogs. What a
Speaker 1: beautiful story. So wait that tampon the period sex time
Speaker 1: that was? Is that when you got back together or
Speaker 1: that was the next that was the beginning of us
Speaker 1: getting back together? Wow? So when you're a relationship when
Speaker 1: you were high school sweethearts, where you did you date
Speaker 1: for all of high school? No? We did it for
Speaker 1: six months my senior year and she's a year younger,
Speaker 1: and she broke my heart. So she did how she
Speaker 1: break your heart? So I was going away to college
Speaker 1: and she went to camp to be a counselor, like
Speaker 1: forty five minutes away, and we were going to like
Speaker 1: hang out on her days off, and then she met
Speaker 1: a dude that was similar to me, and my friends
Speaker 1: who were at camp were like warning me about it.
Speaker 1: I went to Bonaro and this was like the first
Speaker 1: year of Bonnro I was. It was a total hippie.
Speaker 1: I was there to see you know, like phil Lesh
Speaker 1: and friends I don't even know is. Yeah, he's he's
Speaker 1: the basis from the Grateful Dead. Was the Grateful then
Speaker 1: to hearken to your question about what my upbringing was like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, that's nice. Your parents believed in you let
Speaker 1: him have a Grateful Dead where they were like, well
Speaker 1: he's fucked, we might as well encourage him it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I like the mix of like Judaism and the grateful back. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it feels nice. Yeah. It was like when you go
Speaker 1: on your birthright trip and you get one of those
Speaker 1: grateful Dead shirts in Hebrew. Oh so wait, so you
Speaker 1: heard that she was hooking up with somebody that was
Speaker 1: kind of like a you, a version of you, a
Speaker 1: version of me, And I like she wasn't calling you.
Speaker 1: It was back when I had a Nokia brick phone
Speaker 1: and I was terrible service in the middle of Tennessee,
Speaker 1: and I was like checking my phone call. I couldn't
Speaker 1: enjoy myself. My friends are on mushrooms and like smoking weed,
Speaker 1: and I'm like looking at my Nokia phone not playing
Speaker 1: snake all day, And were you guys technically together? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then like miserable the whole time. And then on
Speaker 1: the drive back I got a voicemail and then that
Speaker 1: didn't sound good. And then I called the voicemail. I
Speaker 1: can't remember, and how did you get word that she
Speaker 1: was looking up with somebody? The person texted you, Uh No,
Speaker 1: I talked to I think my cousin went with her,
Speaker 1: one of my friends, Yeah, and they like when I
Speaker 1: it wasn't like I got word. It was just like
Speaker 1: hints or like I heard things like pre Instagram, where
Speaker 1: you just had to put together facts. You just have
Speaker 1: like a story of someone being liked, a literal storyboard
Speaker 1: on your wall that you tacked right right. Instant Messenger
Speaker 1: was the closet away. Messages were the closest thing I
Speaker 1: had that's like less hurtful than just going on Facebook
Speaker 1: and seeing like, oh, I guess Jeff stating this blogger.
Speaker 1: Now I'm just using real names. I don't even care.
Speaker 1: This is real life. Oh okay. So so then I
Speaker 1: got her on the phone and she broke up with
Speaker 1: me on the phone. On the drive back from Tennessee.
Speaker 1: Were you driving or you? Oh that's good, so you
Speaker 1: could cry on the bench seat of a van. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a crier. I love crying. Good. Yeah, good, because
Speaker 1: it's those feelings are in you. You know, it's your
Speaker 1: eyes coming, you know, and your soul a little bit.
Speaker 1: I think our bodies need to do certain things. We
Speaker 1: need to laugh, we need to sneeze, we need to come,
Speaker 1: we need to cry, Like why do we deny ourselves
Speaker 1: that We were actually just talking about a couple of
Speaker 1: episodes ago with with Jean Gene. Yeah, she was saying
Speaker 1: cry every day, and I was like, every day, Well,
Speaker 1: you know what. I on the way back to uh
Speaker 1: from the club, No, No, on the drive to the
Speaker 1: comedy club tonight, I cried a little bit in the
Speaker 1: driver's seat. I just got a little sad for a
Speaker 1: second because I've missed Stephen. Yeah, no, I mean you've
Speaker 1: You've just been like crying sporadically, and I just let
Speaker 1: it go because I know what it's like. And I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just I'll just look over. Christina is crying. Triggered
Speaker 1: you a song? What song? Um? Can you sing it
Speaker 1: a little bit? Uh? Crying right now? Am baby? I'm
Speaker 1: your man? Yeah it was No, I'm but I've accepted it.
Speaker 1: I don't care like when I because the second you
Speaker 1: start resisting crying, oh fucking you're fucked. Yeah. I can
Speaker 1: see you're getting a little yeah, yeah, yeah, it's okay. Right,
Speaker 1: Oh I'm fine. No, I'm I'm crying. I think crying
Speaker 1: is really good and it feels so good to cry,
Speaker 1: you know what I gotta say. I know you guys
Speaker 1: just are you both going through breakups? Right? This is
Speaker 1: totally Agrassis Greener thing. And I never ever want to
Speaker 1: break up with my wife, but like is kind of
Speaker 1: fucking cool. Okay. This is where I grow, This is
Speaker 1: where I'm at right now. It's this beautiful poeticism. Like
Speaker 1: I feel very lonely, but in a poetic way that
Speaker 1: I kind of think is beautiful. Yes, and it's inspiring creatively. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you get to eat whatever you want for a
Speaker 1: while until until you hit a point where you feel
Speaker 1: the need to get in the best shape of your
Speaker 1: entire Yeah. I went straight into that. I was like,
Speaker 1: I went straight into Vegan Garden Deliver. Yeah. You watch
Speaker 1: sad movies, listen to sad music. It's very well. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's why. On the way back, I was like, on
Speaker 1: the way there to the club, I was like, I
Speaker 1: want to listen to sad music, right, your friends make
Speaker 1: excuses for you. Yeah, Oh, and everyone's like, it's fine.
Speaker 1: I feel like I can pay through a thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I feel like you know when you see a little
Speaker 1: kid like screaming in a two two pajamas and you're like, man,
Speaker 1: I wish I had that freedom. That's how I feel
Speaker 1: right now. I feel like a child, but in a
Speaker 1: good way, because that's this breakup for you. I already
Speaker 1: went through that breakup, and no one wants to hear
Speaker 1: that from me again, So I just have to suck
Speaker 1: it up. Every breakup is every breakup, yeah, every break
Speaker 1: you know, I don't need to handle every break up
Speaker 1: as poorly as I handle the last one. And you
Speaker 1: grow this breakup that my wife there was my first
Speaker 1: break my first real breakup, and you got your heart broken, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: your first heartache. That feeling is terrible. Yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: a little less bad hearing a story. Now you guys
Speaker 1: are married with a kid, but you know it's really moving. No,
Speaker 1: it was good, like I needed that in my life.
Speaker 1: But it was my whole senior year of high school,
Speaker 1: summer going into college just oh god, savagely drinking Bacardi
Speaker 1: Lamone like when I woke up, and then being a
Speaker 1: lifeguard at the pool across the street from my yea. Honestly, Yeah,
Speaker 1: breakups really do trigger some alcoholism. Yeah, I've gotten the
Speaker 1: only fist fight I've ever gotten. In that song, I
Speaker 1: was I was like provoking people, yeah, and I was
Speaker 1: like to hit someone. I wanted to get hit. I
Speaker 1: want to get hit. I did, Yeah, what you do
Speaker 1: to get hit? Well, actually there was a fight and
Speaker 1: one of my friends got hit, and then in the
Speaker 1: middle of the party just hit yeah kind of. Then
Speaker 1: the party just kept going on, and so I was
Speaker 1: like so drunk that I was like going up to
Speaker 1: the gun and being like, oh, I need to hit
Speaker 1: people because I'm not really tough, but I gotta show people.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, let me fucking be in
Speaker 1: a party where everyone's trying to have a good time
Speaker 1: and punch people. That's really cool. And then it would
Speaker 1: like get it would get like you know, quelled, and
Speaker 1: then it boiled over and then he ran up and
Speaker 1: punched me on the side of the head. Concussion. Right,
Speaker 1: did you like it? I kind of did? Do you
Speaker 1: get hit in bed? We've we've tried that a little bit. Sometimes.
Speaker 1: I like her me she's not like, like, I've tried
Speaker 1: doing the rough stuff with her and she's like, I
Speaker 1: don't really like that. Okay, yeah, you gotta want it.
Speaker 1: We're talking about R and B stuff. But I'm willing
Speaker 1: to want to be a jew, you know, just like
Speaker 1: slow jams. Yeah, yeah, come into like a whole variety,
Speaker 1: you know, like, yeah, give me whatever with the sex
Speaker 1: or with the music. With the sex. I'm just associating before. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like the music takes the sex, I know, because like
Speaker 1: I'm like Marilyn Manson nine inch DALs, Like nine inches
Speaker 1: I was like the funk best album. It's kind of
Speaker 1: funny though, when you're with somebody, because this guy that
Speaker 1: I had recently hooked up with in the pool I
Speaker 1: have I haven't sucked him in years. But I have
Speaker 1: since then have had like dirty sex, and I tried
Speaker 1: to do that with him, and it's not our vibe.
Speaker 1: It's not our vibe at all. And I felt like
Speaker 1: a little silly but it was fine. But I realized, like,
Speaker 1: oh no, we have sweet sex. It's kind of silly sex.
Speaker 1: It's always weird to me when a guy doesn't just
Speaker 1: go with it whatever it is, unless it's like but
Speaker 1: if he doesn't like it, right, I mean, you see multifacets,
Speaker 1: you know what's saying you means that. I'm like, it's
Speaker 1: kind of annoying. Just do what I want. But but
Speaker 1: I mean I've thought that. I was thinking that with
Speaker 1: this guy, but I was like, no, that's just not
Speaker 1: our fasting. What I tried to choke Vinny, our first
Speaker 1: ever guest on the podcast, and he was like nine
Speaker 1: to it, and I was like, I mean, do you
Speaker 1: want to be here or not? But it's just the experience,
Speaker 1: the story. If it's outside, like I don't I just
Speaker 1: don't understand. And I know that's just me maybe, but like,
Speaker 1: why not just go outside your comfort zone for the story,
Speaker 1: for the experience. We have to talk about it, right
Speaker 1: if you but if you're going to go outside your
Speaker 1: comfort zone sexually. Don't you have to give someone like
Speaker 1: a little hints to make sure that they're okay with it?
Speaker 1: Weren't you giving him the hints? And now I was
Speaker 1: just kind of being filthy And then he was like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing? What were you trying to do?
Speaker 1: I need more of this story now. I was just
Speaker 1: saying things that just more of the vibe of the
Speaker 1: sex that we have, like like he'll like, God, I remember,
Speaker 1: I remember. I'm trying to think of how much I
Speaker 1: want to say. I just like a vision of him tickling.
Speaker 1: I just know. But I'll say things like yeah, funk
Speaker 1: my pussy or something. I'm like, what like a finger me? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess like dirty talk. I just can't take it
Speaker 1: that seriously. I guess okay. I used to not be
Speaker 1: able to, but then when you're with somebody and you're like,
Speaker 1: it's fun, I guess if it was. You know, I
Speaker 1: can't really put my mind in having a one night stand,
Speaker 1: but if it was a one night man, I'd be like,
Speaker 1: all right, this is kind of fun. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it was if it's like too much,
Speaker 1: if it's too like corny. I'm just like corny and
Speaker 1: corn Yeah, like people are some people are really are.
Speaker 1: I think if you're really silly in real life, it's
Speaker 1: hard to go then super serious in the bedroom. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like this guy was very silly and really like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm pretty serious in real life even though I am
Speaker 1: like a comedian. I'm a I'm a serious comedian. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you guys know that about me. That's
Speaker 1: my brand. Yeah, it's just more yeah, like sarcastic, So
Speaker 1: it's more it's it's more believable. I feel like if
Speaker 1: I tell you to like go funk yourself or something
Speaker 1: while you're sucking, go fuck your asshole. You know, it's
Speaker 1: very natural. Wasn't everyone around well you I've heard you
Speaker 1: say you don't like joking around in the bed. I
Speaker 1: don't apparely like joking around in real life. Yeah, it's true,
Speaker 1: you know, I really I don't like silliness. Like there's
Speaker 1: only like I'll be silly with, like my brother sometimes
Speaker 1: Christina and I can get silly. There's a couple of
Speaker 1: people that I will allow silliness with. But like when
Speaker 1: people are dating me and they try to be silly,
Speaker 1: I'm just like with that big turt like not please?
Speaker 1: Would it turn you off if a guy got silly
Speaker 1: with you in the bedroom, Yeah, like a long time boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Like if something silly happened, I would be okay laughing
Speaker 1: at it. But like when we're trying to get sexy
Speaker 1: in the beginning, please save the joke. I feel like
Speaker 1: the sex between me and my wife is the exact
Speaker 1: opposite of that. Really, and you could come while you're
Speaker 1: being silly. Yeah, I mean when it comes down to
Speaker 1: near the climax, it gets a little bit more serious.
Speaker 1: Maybe what's going on? What do you guys say to
Speaker 1: each other? Are you making a hot dog with your dick?
Speaker 1: Like what happening over the dick and make up? That's
Speaker 1: a good idea. Why has no guy ever done that
Speaker 1: to me? If you, I don't because I don't understand
Speaker 1: things like this. Well alright, so full disclosure. We have
Speaker 1: a one month old baby. Full disclosure. I need to
Speaker 1: be honest guys, right now, we have we even had
Speaker 1: sex in a while because because you have to wait
Speaker 1: until you the doctor signs off on ye, did she
Speaker 1: get her vagina stitch? Because some women after they have
Speaker 1: a baby. She did not. She did not need it.
Speaker 1: You only okay, because I trust me. I asked about that.
Speaker 1: But sometimes they don't tear. Sometimes, like if you eat
Speaker 1: in a little more room, they'll actually cut. Like my
Speaker 1: mom said, they give a little snip snips make some
Speaker 1: more room because it feels it's like safer than than
Speaker 1: tearing yourself naturally. You know, I think that there's all
Speaker 1: kinds of different situations and then you hear something like
Speaker 1: that and then you say it to somebody else, Like
Speaker 1: there were so many of these type of things that
Speaker 1: I would say to people and they'd be like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: they don't do that anymore. Oh, I mean this, you know,
Speaker 1: this was literally I think it was with me. I'm
Speaker 1: guessing I don't know, so if it was me, it
Speaker 1: was eight five. But yeah, so so wait when you
Speaker 1: guys decided we're gonna have a baby, we I mean
Speaker 1: all right? Or did you just oops? No, no, definitely
Speaker 1: not oops. This was as planned parenthood as it could.
Speaker 1: Oh that's great. How long were you married when she
Speaker 1: got pregnant? Um, we've been married for three years now,
Speaker 1: three almost three and a half. How long we've been
Speaker 1: together total since they like their six since two since
Speaker 1: that fateful night of sweet, sweet, bloody sex and then, uh,
Speaker 1: we haven't had sex in a while, so I can't
Speaker 1: like remember all our little joking jokes, or like I'm
Speaker 1: put on the spot and I can't think of them,
Speaker 1: or maybe I just and that's okay, it's been a month.
Speaker 1: The day before the day we went to the hospital. Okay,
Speaker 1: did you her to induce labor? We tried that, but
Speaker 1: you know she had to be induced like with a balloon.
Speaker 1: So wait, whose idea was it? Well, it had to
Speaker 1: have been her idea to fuck if it was the
Speaker 1: day all right? What was both? I mean, I think
Speaker 1: that's squeamish a lot. Yeah, you know, people really love pregnantly.
Speaker 1: It's great. It's like the stranger, but with another person.
Speaker 1: Come again, you know what the stranger it's when you
Speaker 1: sit on your hand, you want to finish, and then
Speaker 1: it feels like someone else is jerking you off because
Speaker 1: your hands, Like because aleep, you've never heard of that.
Speaker 1: You have no feeling in your hands. So funny you
Speaker 1: can still jerk off if you have no feeling in
Speaker 1: your aunt. Yeah, apparently it felt like you were sucking
Speaker 1: a stranger because she was pregnant. Just because it was
Speaker 1: a different body than what right, I'm married. We can
Speaker 1: wear me do the stranger? Can you like finger your
Speaker 1: I never I couldn't get it in if my man
Speaker 1: when my limbs fall asleep, I can't che is very painful. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're always falling up in my hands, always falling up,
Speaker 1: soldier through to ugas. I'm gonna try that and report
Speaker 1: back to the podcasting. But aren't. It's because like, well,
Speaker 1: I guess pocket post these are kind of a stranger. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so like by that logic, you know, yeah, like a
Speaker 1: dildo is a vibrator is But okay, so so how
Speaker 1: did you have to suck a certain way because she
Speaker 1: was so pregnant? Yeah, yeah, she had to be on
Speaker 1: top she oh really see, I thought she was gonna
Speaker 1: be on all fours. That tried that a few times
Speaker 1: when it just was uncompletely okay, So how is that
Speaker 1: weird when you have like your almost kid knocking you
Speaker 1: in the face front of you on your chin basically, yeah,
Speaker 1: I like junior baby, little Matthew, Matthew go to the bed.
Speaker 1: I barely. I feel uncomfortable and like my dog is
Speaker 1: pawing at the door. Let alone when there's a human
Speaker 1: inside the lady your You know this is gonna sound
Speaker 1: really corny, but the way that we like didn't make
Speaker 1: it weird, like when guys make the fucking cheesiest joke like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's the closest threesome. Okay, that's a joke, guys. In
Speaker 1: my mind, In my mind, the more she comes while
Speaker 1: she's pregnant, Like, I'm not a doctor, but I think
Speaker 1: that the endorphins and the serotonin that's produced from her
Speaker 1: having orgasms will make the baby happier, more well adjusted baby. Okay,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. So it was my goal to make
Speaker 1: that happen as much as humanly possible. Story to feed
Speaker 1: your pregnant wife. Yeah, we had yea, her appetite for
Speaker 1: sex during pregnancy like superseded. So really, but you know what,
Speaker 1: I wasn't going to be like I'm tired. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: she's carrying her child, so you know he's been tired. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have a thing where we're like compete for who's
Speaker 1: worse off. I thought you were to say, I think
Speaker 1: where we forced each other in having sex. It's my
Speaker 1: turn now, Well funny you say that as not funny
Speaker 1: because like years after so we did long distance back
Speaker 1: and forth from New York. I was trying to move there.
Speaker 1: It didn't take because she eventually was like I want
Speaker 1: to move to l All. What was and what was
Speaker 1: she doing in New York? She's a nurse, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: so she can move pretty much wherever. Yeah. And then
Speaker 1: years later we're living in l A. And we're like
Speaker 1: reminiscing about that story and she she's like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: the time you raped me. I was like what. I
Speaker 1: was like, what what are you talking about? She's like yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like I was like pretty much asleep. I
Speaker 1: was like, no, you worry the peer the peer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then like she was just funny with me, but
Speaker 1: I was like, like vomited on the floor about but
Speaker 1: that and then like of course the meat too thing happens,
Speaker 1: and then like every guy re examines everything, is everything exactly? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I never thought of myself as I'm a woman,
Speaker 1: and I thought about everything that I've ever done, like
Speaker 1: weird interactions and like how many times I've had sex
Speaker 1: drunk or blackout drunk or I mean like yeah, and
Speaker 1: sometimes when you're with like the pool thing the other
Speaker 1: night there was the last before we went inside. He
Speaker 1: was like kind of like not sleeping, but like I
Speaker 1: was on top of him and I was holding his
Speaker 1: head so he wouldn't like hit the stairs of the pool,
Speaker 1: and he was like shivering, Like that's like, are you
Speaker 1: enjoying the video? What? No? We should go inside? Like
Speaker 1: were you even there? That's the thing. I know, I know,
Speaker 1: but sometimes girls do too. Girls definitely do a lot
Speaker 1: of time. Yeah, yeah, And I mean there's a there's
Speaker 1: a difference between like a salt and so that was
Speaker 1: a that was a little l o L right, everyone's
Speaker 1: a comedian. But I was really freaked out, like no, no,
Speaker 1: But then I was just like, well, you're still with me.
Speaker 1: But then I was like yes, exactly. And so it
Speaker 1: was just like a fucking roller coaster self loathing that
Speaker 1: I had to go through. Did she say anything to
Speaker 1: make you feel better about it, like to kind of
Speaker 1: snap you out of it, or did you just have
Speaker 1: to go through the feelings and then come to the
Speaker 1: conclusion that this wasn't me taking a dantage of her.
Speaker 1: We were more that And then she was like no,
Speaker 1: you didn't. Okay, that's good and that fun like I
Speaker 1: did it. But all right, So the other story that
Speaker 1: I was going to say, are other like sex sex
Speaker 1: sex like smoke, milestone, memorable sex. We're on our honeymoon
Speaker 1: in Thailand and um we you know the island where
Speaker 1: they have the full party party, No, I just do.
Speaker 1: It's like a rave on an island in Thailand. But
Speaker 1: there's a season for it, and then the off season
Speaker 1: the parties aren't as good or whatever. But we we're
Speaker 1: there in the off season and there wasn't a party,
Speaker 1: but we found a bar that served these magic mushroom
Speaker 1: milkshakes and what they actually had psychedelic mushrooms in that.
Speaker 1: That sounds great, that's a legal thing. Well in Thailand,
Speaker 1: they looked the other way for the tourist money. You know.
Speaker 1: Okay got him, so yeah, so we drank them and
Speaker 1: then I got kind of sick, but didn't tell her
Speaker 1: because I was like, I've poked and rallied plenty of
Speaker 1: times before exactly because we are We're entirely and I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna like every man needs to take notes on this,
Speaker 1: because when I mean just men don't get sick in
Speaker 1: our presence. When men gets sick, they act like the
Speaker 1: wound and they are cold and hot and hungry and
Speaker 1: everything and it's like I've never seen every man. This
Speaker 1: is one common denominator that I've personally experienced. Every Man
Speaker 1: when he's sucking sick, acts like a fucking made It's
Speaker 1: kind of funny. I remember walking fucking like through mccaren
Speaker 1: Park in the dark with a big thing of tissues
Speaker 1: for Frank yourself, just kidding. I hope you have a
Speaker 1: nice life. I try to be the opposite of a hypochondriac.
Speaker 1: When I know I'm sick, I'm just like, everything's fine.
Speaker 1: But I came I rally and then I came back
Speaker 1: and she was talking to a couple from India that
Speaker 1: I swear we're not speaking English, but that we were all, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're all drinking and they and they were just talking
Speaker 1: to that's so beautiful. Yeah, and no one knew what
Speaker 1: the other person was saying like that. And then I
Speaker 1: was like, we should go for walking the beach or something.
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm just gonna go pee, and then like
Speaker 1: she got halfway to the bathroom and I realized, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just threw up. I didn't tell her, so she
Speaker 1: doesn't know. I should maybe like just follow her and
Speaker 1: make sure she's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she fainted, Oh
Speaker 1: my god. And I got there just in time to
Speaker 1: catch her before but I was horrified. I didn't know
Speaker 1: what to do in that moment. And yeah, do you
Speaker 1: take Oscar or guys this podcast? But the Insurance of Degeneration,
Speaker 1: it's the Blue Apron pretty much love blue Apron. Don't
Speaker 1: have time to go to the fucking grocery store. It
Speaker 1: really is like a fucking app. They're like, oh, did
Speaker 1: you walk to that? You fat fuck? Okay, well, if
Speaker 1: you had an ailment, your doctor would just come to
Speaker 1: your house. Yeah, maybe we just need to bring that.
Speaker 1: I would love that. But speed which I was dealing
Speaker 1: with a woman who I was like, oh cool, she's
Speaker 1: dead and we're on her honeymoon. You assume she died.
Speaker 1: I I didn't know what to do when somebody I've
Speaker 1: seen it before and I thought they died every time.
Speaker 1: I know, CPR, Oh stop bragging, But you know, when
Speaker 1: you're in that moment, we're just getting wet from acting,
Speaker 1: says so Well, I learned it in Canada, so I
Speaker 1: know I kind of know. It's like the friendly ze,
Speaker 1: you know, like the half as version. Yeah, I count
Speaker 1: up to grade thirteen and can just you apologize. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
Speaker 1: see you we're getting silly. Hey, that's true. I mean
Speaker 1: this is and then no one farted in my face
Speaker 1: or anything, you know. I like jokes. Oh well, one
Speaker 1: of the things I do with my wife in bed
Speaker 1: is all just like die. Yeah, I didn't take my
Speaker 1: A D D medication. Okay, Well, can I have some
Speaker 1: talk after this? Uh so spoiler alert, she didn't die, Okay,
Speaker 1: thank god, but she she like came to after what
Speaker 1: felt like forty minutes, but it was probably like fifteen
Speaker 1: seconds because we're both funked up. We've been drinking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't imagine dealing with someone fainting when I was
Speaker 1: honest psychedelic, Like that's too much. Yeah, it was very,
Speaker 1: very intense. And it's not the first time I've seen
Speaker 1: somebody faint while I was on psychedelics, but it's first
Speaker 1: time i've seen somebody a lot of sense exactly, but
Speaker 1: it's the first time I saw somebody faint while I
Speaker 1: was on psychedelics that I love and in a foreign country,
Speaker 1: and that was honestly the thing going through my mind.
Speaker 1: And I was just doing like mental inventory. I had
Speaker 1: seen an urgent care like a mile away when we
Speaker 1: got a cabin. So I was like, so I was
Speaker 1: like starting to pick her up, just like sling her
Speaker 1: over my shoulders, and she came to and she goes,
Speaker 1: don't worry, this has happened before, and I was like, wait,
Speaker 1: what that's supposed to make me feel better? But it
Speaker 1: did happened. No, she was like hungover and fainted. Heard
Speaker 1: just natural. I passed out on roller coasters and people
Speaker 1: have been scared by it. I'm like, don't worry, I'll
Speaker 1: come back. I think it was kind of dehydration too,
Speaker 1: because we're like out in the sun, drinking beer, doing
Speaker 1: true but wait, what was the silly thing that? Okay,
Speaker 1: So then after that we're like, all right, we gotta
Speaker 1: go back to the fucking hot tell Yeah, and we're
Speaker 1: saying a kind of nice hotel. It was like up
Speaker 1: on the mountain overlooking the ocean, and uh, I find
Speaker 1: us a cab and for some reason I felt the
Speaker 1: need to, Like, in these situations, you think like just
Speaker 1: whatever it takes get us there, but I felt the
Speaker 1: need to like haggle with the cab driver. I was like,
Speaker 1: that sounds like too much money, And for some reason,
Speaker 1: you want to protect yourself. You don't want to take
Speaker 1: it for a ride. Yeah, and you do toots yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So I try to do bilingual haggling while I'm on mushrooms.
Speaker 1: And then we just it's a pickup truck. You sit
Speaker 1: in the backup, and he was like in the bed
Speaker 1: of a truck or in the back in the bed
Speaker 1: it has like it has and benches across the bed
Speaker 1: and you sit on the benches. I did that and
Speaker 1: I exorcist style projectile vomiting the whole way. And I'm
Speaker 1: a very loud puker and like my wife, my wife
Speaker 1: laughing at me, hearing people like and I can't tell
Speaker 1: if I'm hallucinating, but I'm hearing people laugh at me
Speaker 1: and imitate my like like like but I'm and I'm
Speaker 1: being sensitive to your ears. It's a lot louder. And
Speaker 1: I hear people I was just vomiting into just like vomiting,
Speaker 1: and we heard Thai people getting vomited on no but
Speaker 1: I heard like Australian dudes like like like laughing at me,
Speaker 1: and it was like, I don't know, I hear them
Speaker 1: like making fun of me, mocking my vomit noise, laughing
Speaker 1: at me. And then they get closer and closer and closer.
Speaker 1: I puked on them and they're like, in my mind
Speaker 1: it was up Mikeyer Gang. But they were just on bicycles,
Speaker 1: so there were actually people there. I thought I was,
Speaker 1: but it was making me angry, like I can't do
Speaker 1: anything about this. Keep puking harder. Wow. And then we
Speaker 1: got back to the resort. My wife was laughing at me.
Speaker 1: It was making me so angry. I was like yeah.
Speaker 1: And then we get back to the resort and she
Speaker 1: starts puking all over this beautiful guarden and were you like, no,
Speaker 1: I was holding her hair. I'm sounding like a real
Speaker 1: white Knight piece of ship right now. Definitely, somebody is
Speaker 1: going to uncover some bad thing that I do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but it was it was not like it was not
Speaker 1: a misogynistic bitch. Was like she was. She was being
Speaker 1: mean to me. So that's that's antitch podcast by me.
Speaker 1: And I've had I've had boyfriends be like you bitch.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, you're right. No, I know people have
Speaker 1: called me a bit and I was like, earned, it
Speaker 1: is different than bitch. Oh. I've been called bitch before
Speaker 1: by one boyfriend and I was like, oh no, we
Speaker 1: don't talk to each other like that, like you know
Speaker 1: when it's yeah, yeah, bitch as a slur is the
Speaker 1: same as jew as a slur. It's all in how
Speaker 1: you say it. It's how you say it, you know
Speaker 1: you and your wife sounds so fine, hold on. So
Speaker 1: we get back to the resort and she pukes and
Speaker 1: then we just had to go. You guys were both
Speaker 1: so thin. We were because we shredded for the wedding,
Speaker 1: and then we threw up everything we had. We didn't
Speaker 1: need colonic because we just did it out of our mouth.
Speaker 1: And then we got in the pool and it felt
Speaker 1: like what I imagine a baptism is supposed to feel like.
Speaker 1: It just felt like flensing. And then I got really
Speaker 1: really horny and I was trying to have sex with her, yeah,
Speaker 1: and uh, she was being resistant. I was like why what.
Speaker 1: She's like, it's not safe. I was like what. And
Speaker 1: then she goes vaginally and I was like what did
Speaker 1: you say it like that? Like it's I was like,
Speaker 1: can you explain what you're She's like, it's not safe
Speaker 1: to have sex in the pool vaginally, and I was
Speaker 1: like why Because she's a nurse. I was like why
Speaker 1: She's like, because he pushes whatever's in the pool. So
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you wouldn't have already got to know. It's
Speaker 1: just like a vaga does feel a little off, but
Speaker 1: just you know, for future, you could just have like
Speaker 1: a light like bacterial, like a light light yeast or
Speaker 1: a light U T. I would probably know, but I
Speaker 1: want to go fucking Canada. You can just can't. Don't worry.
Speaker 1: It's not like you're going to get an STD from
Speaker 1: chlorine st. No. I knew that, but like I don't,
Speaker 1: I don't want. I don't want to U T I.
Speaker 1: You would feel if you had a UT you probably
Speaker 1: just have like a minimal bacteria with like a little discharge.
Speaker 1: Like basically every time I go to the O B
Speaker 1: G Y N and they're like, no, something not right
Speaker 1: up there, and I'm like god, I was like, sorry,
Speaker 1: did you have anal in the pool? Instead? I was like,
Speaker 1: I thought her that was her way of saying me up.
Speaker 1: I wish I wish we just went back to our
Speaker 1: tell room and watch Pitch Perfect with subtitles. Well, you
Speaker 1: couldn't fuck in the bed bed. At the time we
Speaker 1: got back to the bed, it was tired. Yeah, did
Speaker 1: you on your wedding night. Yeah, because so many people
Speaker 1: fall asleep. We made a point of it. We did
Speaker 1: we We did Molly at our wedding? Are fun? Can
Speaker 1: you go through your wedding? What's your wedding? Do you
Speaker 1: want a third? That sounds so fun? Um. We got
Speaker 1: married where we grew up in West Boomfield, Michigan, which
Speaker 1: is the antithesis of my whole I hate I hate that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: would you were in New York Claire, Michigan. It's the
Speaker 1: only place I know in Michigan, Detroit. It's a suburb
Speaker 1: of Detroit. I don't know. I have trying to do
Speaker 1: this thing. I'm always like, I always put my hand up,
Speaker 1: like I know Michigan real well to seem and I'm like,
Speaker 1: it's right here. It's my other wife. Did you get married?
Speaker 1: Because her parents, uh did the whole wedding and they
Speaker 1: and basically because her grant. I was gonna say, so,
Speaker 1: is that a like how do you decide? Planned it?
Speaker 1: We didn't have to do ship and you like that.
Speaker 1: At the time, I was like, funk this, Why aren't
Speaker 1: I being consulted about anything? And then afterward I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad I didn't have to do it good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was awesome. How did you decide who paid? Like,
Speaker 1: because I know it's a tradition for the woman's family
Speaker 1: to pay, but that's weird. Well why is the woman's
Speaker 1: family got to pay? My parents kicked in for like
Speaker 1: the booze and the rehearsal dinner, but my family has
Speaker 1: also had some financial woes. Yeah, we used to be good,
Speaker 1: but then some some weird stuff happened with my dad
Speaker 1: and his secretary and the I R s that I
Speaker 1: probably shouldn't get into. Some very some very like Soapoba.
Speaker 1: You could say that any time secretaries mentioned you know,
Speaker 1: it's not that's a good movie. Yeah, God, that's very
Speaker 1: hot movie. I remember watching it in college and not
Speaker 1: understanding of then seeing it a few years ago and
Speaker 1: be like, oh, hey, megs, I think the hottest movies
Speaker 1: are movies like that, or like there's a movie called
Speaker 1: The Dreamers which is very, very sensual. Like they're much
Speaker 1: hotter than porns. Oh, I love a good Do you
Speaker 1: watch porn? Yeah? But I need I need the story.
Speaker 1: I need. I can't just jump into the middle of
Speaker 1: the period. You are emotional that emotional men for the
Speaker 1: win all right, Well it's not just emotional, it's like
Speaker 1: I need more dying. I'm more turned on by the
Speaker 1: situation of like how did this happen? Than I am
Speaker 1: by like this is happening. Do you want to play
Speaker 1: a little bit, like you went to Japan and got
Speaker 1: some costumes? You know? Okay, what kind of costumes? Like
Speaker 1: a little sailor girl like sailor movie that I that
Speaker 1: she wears kind of like sailor moon. Oh okay, okay,
Speaker 1: what costumes have you ros? Have you played? No? I like,
Speaker 1: but not in a sexual context. I have ones ees too,
Speaker 1: but I don't. I've got I've got more onesies than
Speaker 1: an adult nail should have. I was like, I have
Speaker 1: a paying one one, and I have a unicorn wall.
Speaker 1: I have a Beyonce one and a plaid one. What's it?
Speaker 1: Just says Beyonce on it. It doesn't have a face
Speaker 1: on it. But it's too big. But Steven got it
Speaker 1: for me for Christmas. But it was an excel. I
Speaker 1: was like say, because I was like, this could get
Speaker 1: racially problem problematic if it's oh my god, oh my god,
Speaker 1: you guys don't oh my god, No, I already get
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable when people say on the Instagram like because
Speaker 1: I've you know, curly brown here, and sometimes people be
Speaker 1: like you look like Beyonce. I'm like, no, I don't.
Speaker 1: Don't say that. It makes you feel very uncomfortable. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're using a lot of bronzer. I noticed. I'm very
Speaker 1: I'm joking. It was it was it executed black face. Um, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I have a yeah. But anyway, onesies Okay, cos I've
Speaker 1: got I've got a kangaroo onesie, a Pepperoni pizza on
Speaker 1: giraffe onesie. Well onesie that somebody bought me with my
Speaker 1: name in brighter. Oh that's really you love onesies, you
Speaker 1: know what I do. They are comfortable, but they get
Speaker 1: too hot. They Yeah, because I was gonna say, you're
Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. I can barely take onesies at my
Speaker 1: apartment in New York in the winter because the heats
Speaker 1: so hard high and like I'm gonna sucking sp Well,
Speaker 1: that's why you get one of those long pillows so
Speaker 1: it feels like there's a man cuddling you. Don't. I
Speaker 1: don't think I don't have one. I do those Japanese
Speaker 1: arm pillows. No, I was gonna do that you know what,
Speaker 1: I want to buy a sibian. Just suck it. You're
Speaker 1: gonna get to need anybody. I'm never connect the sibian
Speaker 1: to a pillow. Oh gosh, so you can just roll
Speaker 1: over and cuddle with it. That's a good idea. Em thoughts.
Speaker 1: I am, I'm very like I said, I like to cry.
Speaker 1: I am very good. Do you think was it how
Speaker 1: you were raised at all? At any way? A little
Speaker 1: bit of both a little bit of both, honestly, But okay.
Speaker 1: So the girl I dated casually before my wife, she
Speaker 1: she was like a wreck and I was really turned
Speaker 1: on by Like when she would try and I would
Speaker 1: and I would comfort her and the press we're gonna
Speaker 1: have no guy, No, keep going? Where were you gonna
Speaker 1: go with that? I want you to finish the sound. No,
Speaker 1: it's just like when she would I would comfort her
Speaker 1: when she would cry it and would you get a boner?
Speaker 1: Would she get annoyed? She would like it? I mean
Speaker 1: I wouldn't like foisted upon her in that moment. I
Speaker 1: would wait for things to be down a bit. We
Speaker 1: have a ways talked about therapist about this. This is
Speaker 1: fascinating because I've been with guys and it seems like
Speaker 1: they get too much satisfaction out of comforting me when
Speaker 1: I'm down. No, for sure, this is what I mean.
Speaker 1: This is the thing. This is an absolute thing. So
Speaker 1: but like still, mind, what did the therapists say? You know,
Speaker 1: the classic therapist stuff that it's like, I mean, I
Speaker 1: don't know, mind, just so I don't know. I need
Speaker 1: to tap under your eye and I'm like, can we
Speaker 1: talk about like my life for stuffing? Like the kind
Speaker 1: of therapist that you have to pay a lot of questions.
Speaker 1: She's like, shap your shoulder. I'm like, okay, I guess so, Oh,
Speaker 1: you're your own best friend. You see that what is
Speaker 1: your forces you to hug yourself, put your left hand
Speaker 1: on your right shoulder and look in the mirror. Oh,
Speaker 1: it looks like you're making out somebody. See you're not alone,
Speaker 1: You're with you the whole time. So you know, like
Speaker 1: that that like it has it's connected to my mother
Speaker 1: and that like I'm turned on by it because that's
Speaker 1: how I want somebody to treat me ship like that.
Speaker 1: Do you think that's true? Do you find truth in that?
Speaker 1: Because sometimes dissecting his bullshit and it doesn't have anything
Speaker 1: to dis to you well, yeah, I think I just
Speaker 1: want to be somebody's here. Oh up, like a question,
Speaker 1: like you haven't thought about this like every day since
Speaker 1: you were born, like you all, I haven't really like
Speaker 1: experienced that with And it was when I was in
Speaker 1: a when I was in a very dark, fucked up,
Speaker 1: messed up time in my life too. When was that?
Speaker 1: Like when I lived right around the corner from Sorry,
Speaker 1: this is the other stage we're seeing you. This is
Speaker 1: this is me like most put together I've ever I'm
Speaker 1: a dad. I mean, I'm in a stable relationship. But
Speaker 1: like when I in two thousand ten, I lived right
Speaker 1: around the corner from here, and then I had a
Speaker 1: revolving door of couch crashers and sub leasers. I was like,
Speaker 1: fuck this, I'm gonna be the couch crasher. Why am
Speaker 1: I gonna be responsible for couching on my crash? I'm
Speaker 1: couching on my crash. Yeah. So then I just started
Speaker 1: couch crashing at my friends houses and it was great.
Speaker 1: I wasn't paying That's how I was able to be
Speaker 1: by coastal. I wasn't paying rent here or there. It
Speaker 1: was really the system of yeah I did, and so
Speaker 1: you've given and got for the empitheories. Yeah, but I
Speaker 1: was going through like my parents splitting up and kind
Speaker 1: of because it's like, yeah, but getting like shade thrown
Speaker 1: my way, like by the parents kind of blamed because
Speaker 1: my college tuition in bar Mitzvah costs too much money
Speaker 1: and they were like to be grateful dead things. No,
Speaker 1: mom and daddy are getting divorced. That's that's okay. So
Speaker 1: it wasn't like explicitly blamed on me, but it was.
Speaker 1: But that's the inappropriate for your child. It was explained
Speaker 1: to me that there were you know, I mentioned I
Speaker 1: risked that there were like financial burdens that put a
Speaker 1: strain on the marriage. And then it was also information. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I just really love this
Speaker 1: scene your parents. There's a lot of there's a lot
Speaker 1: of it is it's did you ever have to be
Speaker 1: the parent to any of your parents? Now I'm the parent.
Speaker 1: I feel like me and my siblings are the parents
Speaker 1: to them. Now that's how the siblings you have. I'm
Speaker 1: the oldest of four, okay, so that's got to be
Speaker 1: a mind funk at thirty four to now have this
Speaker 1: note this happened at and I got arrested, and I like,
Speaker 1: I knew about the stuff going on with my parents,
Speaker 1: and I wasn't dealing with it, and I refused to
Speaker 1: acknowledge it. And then my little sister, who was like
Speaker 1: eighteen at the time, was like, I need your help.
Speaker 1: Mom's putting all this on my shoulders and I can't
Speaker 1: handle it. So then this is like right after I
Speaker 1: got arrested, I got over leaving the comedy store and
Speaker 1: I used to drive a Camaro tea top like what
Speaker 1: year not like not sorry sorry favorite he of course, Um,
Speaker 1: but I was leaving the comedy store and I had
Speaker 1: a bunch of weed on me and I was so high.
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to travel with drive or deal
Speaker 1: with the police. I had my medical marijuana card, so
Speaker 1: much weed on me and you were high. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: they said that I didn't respect the lanes that I
Speaker 1: was like, no, well all right, back, I don't. They
Speaker 1: don't do this anymore. But back then, the cops used
Speaker 1: to park in the middle lane, like the left turn
Speaker 1: lane and just stay there. And I was like, I
Speaker 1: moved around the cop to get around him because he
Speaker 1: was like kind of forked off to the side, and
Speaker 1: then he followed me, and I was like, oh funk,
Speaker 1: I'm getting pulled over right now. And then I like turned,
Speaker 1: I turned right and I didn't signal, and that's what
Speaker 1: he pulled me over for shi because they make you
Speaker 1: the intimidate used that you panicked done. And then he
Speaker 1: was like, well, the guy goes, look, I can smell
Speaker 1: the weed from my patrol car. Who just give it
Speaker 1: to man, It's it's legal here. Just give it to
Speaker 1: me and I'll let you go, and you just tell
Speaker 1: me where it is. And I was like, uh. I
Speaker 1: was like I probably don't have to do this, but
Speaker 1: like he's probably just gonna let me go. And then
Speaker 1: I told him where it was. I'm so dumb. I
Speaker 1: was so dump. It was really really really hot. I
Speaker 1: got so high. You guys, did you ever meet Sunset Jesus. No,
Speaker 1: I've heard of that. Yeah, Times Square cowboy, Naked Cowboy.
Speaker 1: Yeah maybe, And you know, this might flip the construct
Speaker 1: on its head, but maybe he had a little bit
Speaker 1: more substance because I know New York is like the country,
Speaker 1: like Sunset Jesus stood for, you know, okay, and Naked
Speaker 1: Cowboy just wanted to get money. Yeah yeah, yeah, and
Speaker 1: Jesus was not like out of Hollywood and Highland trying
Speaker 1: to like get tip jars. He was like just a
Speaker 1: dude that had money and like walked around and yeah
Speaker 1: he died recently. Yeah he was a sweet, sweet guy.
Speaker 1: What did he He just walked around the light. He
Speaker 1: just walked around the street in in like a and
Speaker 1: just just walked all day. This was his job a lot.
Speaker 1: But he hung out at the comedy store a lot.
Speaker 1: And it was very very cool, very interesting. Did he
Speaker 1: how did he die? He had some kind of infection
Speaker 1: or pneumonia or something. I don't know. I just read
Speaker 1: that he had. Correct answer was crucifixion. Yeah, come on, hello,
Speaker 1: it's like are we here? And you know, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to be I know, I don't like I don't. So
Speaker 1: you got arrested and I coupled you over. Yeah. But
Speaker 1: that night I was so high. We did a photo shoot.
Speaker 1: I had my first semester of college. I was a
Speaker 1: religious studies major to get into the dorm that I
Speaker 1: wanted to be in, and I had a cliff notes
Speaker 1: to the Old Testament that was in my car, and
Speaker 1: we did we got real high, and I was like,
Speaker 1: wait a second, and I went and got it and
Speaker 1: we did a photo shoot with sunset Jesus and the
Speaker 1: cliff Notes to the Old Testament. That's fun. And then
Speaker 1: I got arrested. So Jesus was bad luck for me? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but uh well I was maybe you're a bad luck
Speaker 1: for Jesus. Maybe Jews in Jesus don't have a that's
Speaker 1: true there related to facts did well, there aren't, Jean,
Speaker 1: we're blamed for killing we were blamed for it, but
Speaker 1: it's not true. Okay, yeah, yeah, you're beautiful. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was a religious studies major. You were, you were? You
Speaker 1: let us know. I've read the cliff Notes. Do you
Speaker 1: guys ever get so high in hotel? You're on the
Speaker 1: road a lot. You ever get high in the room
Speaker 1: and you're you can't find the room over the DBC.
Speaker 1: I can't reading the Bible. You know what? I always
Speaker 1: I do a little joke just to myself. But I
Speaker 1: put my vibrator in the drawer with the Bible like this,
Speaker 1: The first thing I look for is the Bible drawer,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I want to put my vibrator, my
Speaker 1: weed on top of the Bible. That's a that's like,
Speaker 1: that's your version of jokes jokes I do for myself.
Speaker 1: I'll just put it like I posted up that says
Speaker 1: you're a fat, fuck you fat horror Mine is I
Speaker 1: have a reminder on my phone every morning at nine
Speaker 1: am so that when I see it, I make sure
Speaker 1: I don't go back to sleep. That says, remember that
Speaker 1: the fat Jewish is more rich and successful. Because it
Speaker 1: makes me angry, Ye should make you angry. Well, now
Speaker 1: he credits people whatever. Who cares? Um I we we
Speaker 1: are were almost at an hour, but I wanted to
Speaker 1: ask you about a baby having a baby. Did your
Speaker 1: whe you do it first basually? And did you see
Speaker 1: the baby come out of her vagina? Yes, but from
Speaker 1: not from the spread eagle view from from you weren't
Speaker 1: like the quarters behind the quarterback in the movies. You
Speaker 1: there's like a separator for some reason, Like a woman
Speaker 1: is on the bed with her legs spread eagle legs
Speaker 1: and stirrups or whatever. I moved away from the microphone
Speaker 1: to do to do a visual on a podcast, And
Speaker 1: then in the movies there's there's like, for some reason
Speaker 1: a separator so you don't see her legs spread from
Speaker 1: the angle of her head. You know what I'm saying, oh, yeah, well,
Speaker 1: it's similar to when you get a C section. They
Speaker 1: do have that, they have a curtain, right right, So
Speaker 1: I thought there was gonna be that, and there wasn't.
Speaker 1: So I experienced seeing it from the view from her POV.
Speaker 1: I think that's the right p o V. If I
Speaker 1: were to have a baby and my baby daddy was there,
Speaker 1: I feel like I just want him to be where
Speaker 1: my head is. Was anyone else in the room, I
Speaker 1: would recommend that beside you and the doctor. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: thank god because when the families in there. So, my
Speaker 1: wife showed me a meme. She was in all these
Speaker 1: like Facebook groups for like moms and stuffing. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and she showed me one that a woman posted that
Speaker 1: said the husband demanded that his parents get to be
Speaker 1: in the birth and then the meme was like, uh,
Speaker 1: when your husband gets fully naked in front of your parents,
Speaker 1: spreads eagle and takes a ship on the floor, then
Speaker 1: his parents can be in the birthday. Agree, that's a great. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I really hate when like the families in the room.
Speaker 1: It really freaks me out. Yeah, I can't believe that
Speaker 1: that's a thing. We didn't even allow our families to
Speaker 1: come into town and be at the hospital. We told them,
Speaker 1: and it was very special, like to hold a newborn
Speaker 1: baby the day it comes out is the most magical experiences. Today,
Speaker 1: you lose your status of the one and all where
Speaker 1: I remember my grandparents brought me and I was like,
Speaker 1: I guess those asshole's here. I was like this, I
Speaker 1: right away from home that day. No one noticed, and
Speaker 1: then you're out in the woods at night, like fuck figured.
Speaker 1: I literally rode my tricycle to the end of block
Speaker 1: without telling anybody, which was like very against the rule.
Speaker 1: And then I was waited for a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1: I was like, no one noticed. That's how my dog
Speaker 1: feels right now. It's not thrilled. Wait, has a dog
Speaker 1: met the BA like the dog? Dogs are usually very gentle. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're usually very sweet, just in different and kind of
Speaker 1: like we'll growl a the time. Different and then five
Speaker 1: percent of the time he's like, I guess they're here.
Speaker 1: Your dog must be pretty old now though, because you've
Speaker 1: had him from seven A. What was it like, boy
Speaker 1: or girl? Do you have? Oh? Wait boy dog? Girl? Like, wow,
Speaker 1: she's not it's a pretty weird guy baby baby shirt
Speaker 1: on love thing. Um, what was it like to hold
Speaker 1: your daughter for the first time? You know, I would
Speaker 1: hear all these things people be like, it's it's a
Speaker 1: feeling you can't describe, And I thought that was just
Speaker 1: like bullshit. But I mean, you can't describe it like
Speaker 1: it was. I it was. It was really I got
Speaker 1: to see my brother hold his son for the first time,
Speaker 1: and the look in his eye. I'll never forget that
Speaker 1: moment for as long as I live. It was one
Speaker 1: of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: it's a feeling you can't describe because you've never had
Speaker 1: it before, likely will never have it. I mean we'll
Speaker 1: have I mean it's your first. You'll never have your first.
Speaker 1: But that no offense to that hypothetical kid. But suck
Speaker 1: a Chris, but it'll never trump the first one. And
Speaker 1: we're not going to have another kid. Just I think
Speaker 1: it's bullshit when people because we would be downe with
Speaker 1: just having one kid. I think it's bullshit when people
Speaker 1: are like, but don't you want it to have a
Speaker 1: little buddy. It's like, that's a shitty reason to have
Speaker 1: a Yeah, I'll just have a Yeah, I'm gonna birth
Speaker 1: a friend for my other kid, Right, that's weird. But
Speaker 1: you just feel like all the positive nothing, all the things,
Speaker 1: all the horrible things going on in the world just
Speaker 1: don't don't matter. You don't matter. And how don't you
Speaker 1: look at your old wife differently? Like I would imagine, like,
Speaker 1: that's such an incredible experience to go through as a couple.
Speaker 1: I would think, do you did you feel any differently
Speaker 1: towards her after? You were really lucky? The labor and
Speaker 1: birth all went very it was it was a fun experience.
Speaker 1: And when I tell people that, they're like, yeah, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: well how was it for her? Well, yeah, we both
Speaker 1: had a really good time. And people can say you
Speaker 1: and the doctors were like, you shouldn't tell a ton
Speaker 1: of people about that, And in the why why because
Speaker 1: it was good? Because a lot of people well because
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't they didn't want bad yap
Speaker 1: reviews or like, don't like, yeah, just because it was
Speaker 1: great for you, don't rub it in people's face. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's not that's yeah. I don't know, like my mom
Speaker 1: always you know, because like a lot of people complained
Speaker 1: very much of my mom was like I loved the experience,
Speaker 1: of having a kid. But well, we had a really
Speaker 1: hard time. It's okay to go back to an earlier question.
Speaker 1: We had a really hard time getting pregnant. We tried
Speaker 1: for a year and a half and it was it
Speaker 1: was frustrating, and I realized there are people that try
Speaker 1: for five seven Some people have kids on accidents like
Speaker 1: that's and a lot of my act over the last
Speaker 1: year has skewed towards all this. Yeah, because exactly what
Speaker 1: we're taught. Yeah, it's fascinating, and not a lot of
Speaker 1: people talk about it. All you learn in school is
Speaker 1: like how easy it is to get pregnant accidentally that
Speaker 1: in the media show like shows like sixty pregnant and
Speaker 1: all these movies, it's like knocked up, we you know,
Speaker 1: but no one ever ever explores the frustration of how
Speaker 1: having sex every day can actually be painful. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: like it was a number painful physical unless we wanted.
Speaker 1: But how how is it? That's interesting because you're trying
Speaker 1: to do the thing that everybody wants to do for fun,
Speaker 1: and you're now doing it like regimented and as a
Speaker 1: means to an end, and the results just aren't Yeah,
Speaker 1: so did you did you see our doctor. What did
Speaker 1: you just keep trying? How did you want to a
Speaker 1: fertility doctor? And so we did stuff that was on
Speaker 1: the lower end of the costly scale. It's called I
Speaker 1: U I, I don't know, I don't remember what it
Speaker 1: stands for. We would just be in the doctor's office
Speaker 1: seeing like you're too shy shy and uh. It's basically
Speaker 1: like I go to the doctors, jerk out into a cup,
Speaker 1: and then they turkey based into my wife. But we
Speaker 1: think that the way we got pregnant with sex the
Speaker 1: day before, like she did a lot of the ovulation
Speaker 1: tracking and like three apps and all that, and did
Speaker 1: she like lay on her back after you came in her?
Speaker 1: Like we tried it. We tried to you know, all
Speaker 1: the old wives tales and home remedies ship then we
Speaker 1: did the fertility and she was like having to do
Speaker 1: injections into her stomach and all these vitamins that made horns,
Speaker 1: that made her nauseous. My wife, for some reason is
Speaker 1: just very stable and she's pregnant. She would she would
Speaker 1: lash out at me, but like deservedly so I'm maintenance
Speaker 1: and there's only so much she can put up with, right,
Speaker 1: Like I would. I'm loud at night and she's a
Speaker 1: very good sleeper. But then what are you do? Remember?
Speaker 1: I brushed my teeth into a gag because I just
Speaker 1: don't feel like my mouth is clean until I'm like,
Speaker 1: you brush your no, no no, but if you brush
Speaker 1: your tongue, if I feel like I've bad breath, I'll
Speaker 1: brush my time. I mean I brushed my tongue too.
Speaker 1: I like the roof of my mouth. But if you
Speaker 1: go back too far, but I like it, whoa ye
Speaker 1: a hanker, it might be I haven't. I haven't explored
Speaker 1: it enough of a kink. But have you have you
Speaker 1: tried your wife's breast milk? Yeah? I tried my mom.
Speaker 1: It doesn't taste good. Yeah, my mom was pregned with
Speaker 1: my brother. She put it in a cup for me.
Speaker 1: I didn't suck her tick, Christina, how many five? I
Speaker 1: just I just asked her because I was like a cure.
Speaker 1: I'm curious. And I just was like, oh, can you
Speaker 1: put it in a cup? And she just squired it
Speaker 1: in a glass and I was like, this is and
Speaker 1: I have sore. Please store only for me. I'll try it.
Speaker 1: You know, you gotta taste it's sweet. It's really good.
Speaker 1: I don't understand her. I guess because the scarcity of it,
Speaker 1: but I don't understand like with all the alternatives to dairy,
Speaker 1: we're not just using that breastmas because like city don't
Speaker 1: be left all. I know that the scarcity, but but
Speaker 1: that's I always willing to eat the breast milk of
Speaker 1: a goat or a cow, but not. No, it's weird.
Speaker 1: It's weird that we're being like fed, like baby cows
Speaker 1: get fed. But it's odd. It's not natural. But people
Speaker 1: are weird about breast milk, like it's grosser, truly not.
Speaker 1: I think it's just like it's like how we all survive.
Speaker 1: It's just like a fluid from someone you don't like.
Speaker 1: I would drink breast milk from someone I knew, but
Speaker 1: I just wouldn't want to drink it from a stranger
Speaker 1: because I don't know what they're doing. Ye Like I'll
Speaker 1: swallows of a guy that I adore. Yeah, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like it's like, do I respect this breast that this
Speaker 1: is coming from? You respect the city? Yeah, then I'll
Speaker 1: drink it. I think there was something to that, yeah,
Speaker 1: because I didn't think it was like gross or anything,
Speaker 1: like because people do get weird out when I'm like,
Speaker 1: I heard my mom's but I'm like, didn't suck it
Speaker 1: from her? No, I sucked it from Did you mean
Speaker 1: that's kind of hot? Yeah? I would, Oh yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I mean yeah, I just got say I'm okay. A
Speaker 1: thing we did, a thing we do when we're in
Speaker 1: sex is like we'd fantasize about having a baby. And
Speaker 1: one of the things, my wife's a baby nurse, so
Speaker 1: we would like we would do this goofy thing that
Speaker 1: like when we're doing four play part of it are
Speaker 1: four plays, like we have to like get goofy with
Speaker 1: each other to like get in the mood. But like
Speaker 1: we would do this thing where we imitate a baby
Speaker 1: like trying to latch, where it's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: he's doing He's fine right now, and we would do
Speaker 1: that to each other. Wow, you guys are meant to baby. Okay,
Speaker 1: you guys are made. I was writing this video about Kinks,
Speaker 1: and there's like a girl who has her bedroom is
Speaker 1: full on like a crib and like but but it's
Speaker 1: like for adult size and she's gonna judge I'm not
Speaker 1: going to and she I know, and she gets in
Speaker 1: a diaper and she makes her boyfriend like change the
Speaker 1: diaper and like the diaper time, why are you getting excited?
Speaker 1: My best friend from growing up, and there's an there's
Speaker 1: an instagram. There's an instagram devoted to this, and my
Speaker 1: best friends growing up constantly sends me the thing. And
Speaker 1: it's like a girl in a diaper in a room
Speaker 1: like that, And there's like a very long no she's
Speaker 1: wearing she's like wearing a T shirt. She doesn't have
Speaker 1: huge kids, I don't think. Yeah, it's like and the
Speaker 1: girls made up to look as young as pause right, right, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's which is in the interview with the boyfriend and
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to be sex negative here, but that's
Speaker 1: one of the that's a little odd no. And they
Speaker 1: were like, and then get boyfriend like looks like a
Speaker 1: just kind of like a kind of like a stoner,
Speaker 1: like he like used to work on hot topic and
Speaker 1: now it just takes care of his baby girlfriend, this
Speaker 1: baby woman. And they're like, do you like this? And
Speaker 1: he was like, oh, it's okay, I love No, it's
Speaker 1: not even about that. The whole paragraph, and it's long,
Speaker 1: is the story about how she's been sitting in a
Speaker 1: dirty diaper, waiting for somebody to come change her. That's
Speaker 1: this whole Instagram account. And my friend sends them to me.
Speaker 1: Isn't this hot? And he's like kind of joking, but
Speaker 1: kind of king joking. Man show, Okay, well, well what
Speaker 1: an that's a great time. Then, yeah, oh my god.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else you want to go over? You
Speaker 1: want to say, want to address, you want to well,
Speaker 1: all right, go for it. Um you asked about like
Speaker 1: if we were planning to have a baby, very planned.
Speaker 1: I address that. But like even in the lean years
Speaker 1: when we me and my wife weren't together, there was
Speaker 1: a time I did. I was in town in New
Speaker 1: York doing a show at the Village Lantern. Dude, of course, yeah,
Speaker 1: last time I was there, people are like, oh, don't
Speaker 1: go there anymore. No, it's really nice. They readid it
Speaker 1: that's one of my favorite rooms. That's great, it's really good.
Speaker 1: And I was doing a show there and my not wife,
Speaker 1: my then strange X was coming to see me. Oh,
Speaker 1: by the way, I forgot to say this. So the
Speaker 1: guy that she dumped me for in high school, me
Speaker 1: and him ended up being roommates in college and we're
Speaker 1: friends now. Did you know that when your roommates with
Speaker 1: college we bonded over her. Yeah, but uh, like I
Speaker 1: was doing the show and he was living in New
Speaker 1: York at the time, and she came around the corner
Speaker 1: and saw him standing outside and a bunch of my friends,
Speaker 1: and she's like, all right, I'm not going I'm turning around.
Speaker 1: And then another group of my friends came up behind
Speaker 1: her and we're like hi, you know, blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: So then she was trapped and she had to come
Speaker 1: to the show. And then after the show, she was like,
Speaker 1: we're catching up. She was telling me what she did,
Speaker 1: and she was showing me pictures of babies because she's
Speaker 1: a baby nurse, and we were like kind of like
Speaker 1: because we both love babies. So that was like one
Speaker 1: of those weird if this was a romantic comedy, that
Speaker 1: scene would be. You know, that's anuzzled dogs in front
Speaker 1: of me. Do you do you guys want to have kids? Yes?
Speaker 1: I just want to perfectly. Yeah. I want a baby
Speaker 1: so bad. And I told myself that by the time
Speaker 1: I'm going to say thirty six thirty seven and I'm alone,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna have it. I would be so excited.
Speaker 1: My wife said the same thing to me when we
Speaker 1: were still like first of very new in this relationship.
Speaker 1: It's part of the relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want
Speaker 1: to know. I want to have a baby. I love,
Speaker 1: I've wanted if my body is capable of creating human life,
Speaker 1: which it might not be. You don't know until you try.
Speaker 1: That's the thing about fertility, as you got to like
Speaker 1: figure it out as soon as you can. I know,
Speaker 1: but I mean, do I do it now? I don't know.
Speaker 1: And then people are talking about bitches be talking about
Speaker 1: freezing eggs. I'm like, I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: You don't have to do it. I'm also very open
Speaker 1: to adoption because my mom was adopted, and so I
Speaker 1: would love to adopt. The rescue of the human world.
Speaker 1: It is, Yes, you guys are talking about babies. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about this paralyzed from the bottom only dog that
Speaker 1: Whitney Cummings was playing with today on Instagram. I really
Speaker 1: want to go wheels, but he just drags his tosh
Speaker 1: around and he's got Animal Haven in New York City
Speaker 1: right now, And I'm like, maybe afther Yeah yeah, so
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it. Uh so. And then also I
Speaker 1: started a podcast. Oh yeah, yeah, what is it called.
Speaker 1: It's called Motherfucker's Parenting Podcast because it's with my friend
Speaker 1: Avery Pearson, who we go on the road together. He
Speaker 1: plays piano with Adam Ray and I Nature and Adam
Speaker 1: you know, headlines obviously, and and so he Avery has
Speaker 1: a one and a half year old, and he didn't
Speaker 1: have any prior experience with a baby, and he was
Speaker 1: just like the whole time, like this, it's really hard.
Speaker 1: You you don't know what you have. And I think
Speaker 1: that's the case for most people. Me and my wife,
Speaker 1: she's she's an expert. I've got a lot of experience
Speaker 1: with kids. And that's interesting because I feel like we
Speaker 1: feel we get a lot of the woman's perspective about
Speaker 1: having a kid, and we always say, like, you know,
Speaker 1: with with parents, when it's a woman who has a career,
Speaker 1: it's like, how do you do it with a kid.
Speaker 1: But I'm so curious about what the man's perspective is
Speaker 1: on having a kid and being a father. It's one
Speaker 1: of the few things where you're like, there isn't enough
Speaker 1: of a male perspective of Well, I'm interested in it
Speaker 1: because I think men should be encouraged to have these
Speaker 1: conversations and it doesn't have I think so too, and
Speaker 1: especially about you know, we started from like the decision
Speaker 1: to have a kid, and we talk about our struggles
Speaker 1: with fertility and which I think is such an under
Speaker 1: explored topic about that. It's like a narrative podcast that
Speaker 1: goes through all from beginning to call Motherfucker's Motherfucker's with
Speaker 1: three asterisks three yeah, just because i Tunes is puritanical,
Speaker 1: it's fund f d so it's all out. And if
Speaker 1: we have I don't like that. If we have a
Speaker 1: come in the title or dick or pussy or whatever,
Speaker 1: they have to bleep it out. But the president can
Speaker 1: just say whatever the and that one and that fun
Speaker 1: he gets censored and the president just but comedians can't
Speaker 1: say fuck the most Drew. And so Motherfucker's podcast on iTunes, Yes,
Speaker 1: we can find it. And what's your hand with social
Speaker 1: media and stuff? Because you're such a talented comedian, You're
Speaker 1: such an amazing stand up and we want to see
Speaker 1: and you know, I'm only now coming around to being
Speaker 1: supportive of other comics. But part of the turning point
Speaker 1: was when I came to see you guys at the
Speaker 1: Comedy Store, which is funny because in the room, in
Speaker 1: the main room, Ye, it was awesome. It was such
Speaker 1: a good show, and me and my wife went together.
Speaker 1: And I never go to other comics shows for support.
Speaker 1: I mean I've started to because I've noticed people do
Speaker 1: it for me. And it's like North got booked more.
Speaker 1: When I wish I was more of that kind of
Speaker 1: a com I'm not. I've tried to be, and it's
Speaker 1: just like it's not who you are. It's okay, But um,
Speaker 1: I remember when I first met you guys. I have
Speaker 1: a weird thing. I remember when I first met everybody
Speaker 1: that I know. I remember it was in the main
Speaker 1: room at the Comedy Store and you guys were in
Speaker 1: the audience and we were just reminiscing about this in
Speaker 1: the car today. Yeah, you were the best one on
Speaker 1: the show. Yeah, because it was like because it's like
Speaker 1: a three hour marathon show and it was towards the
Speaker 1: very end and like people was the first time at
Speaker 1: the Comedy dying. We were with with my friend Charlie
Speaker 1: who's a chef now, yeah, and we were just we
Speaker 1: were dying laughing. Did I bring you guys up on stage?
Speaker 1: But you talk to us. So now what I do is,
Speaker 1: if it's that late at night on those three hour
Speaker 1: marathon shows, I bring everybody from the audience on stage
Speaker 1: photo of that. Yeah, and I like do I'm like,
Speaker 1: let's figure out something fun to do together. And I
Speaker 1: tell I tell the door guys like take some candid video.
Speaker 1: Then when I say takes take like a group photo.
Speaker 1: It makes it so those late night spots where you'd
Speaker 1: otherwise be like all right, it's like I'm excited to
Speaker 1: see good what happened? But awesome, but where can we
Speaker 1: find out? Where? Starming? Yeah, we just w we took
Speaker 1: a trip down memory lane. I know that's okay. That's
Speaker 1: what I do. I'm a reminiscer at Sandy Danto at
Speaker 1: Mfer's podcast. Yeah, m F E r S Podcast and
Speaker 1: uh at watch Me Chill. It's my monthly show at
Speaker 1: the Improv. Oh nice. And then do you have a
Speaker 1: website where we can catch dats? Is it all on
Speaker 1: your social media? Get better about it, Sandy Danto dot.
Speaker 1: And you're also a regular at the Comedy Store. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm there paid regular name on the wall. That's one
Speaker 1: of my how was it signing the wall? The Comedy store.
Speaker 1: That's my dream. Honestly, it was a bright spot in
Speaker 1: that dark time that I have. But so it doesn't
Speaker 1: someone paint on somebody else. Well, I thought the comics
Speaker 1: in atlant the seam exactly. You didn't get to pick
Speaker 1: where it was, right, No, because I got the worst
Speaker 1: real estate there is. Was it on the bottom of
Speaker 1: the bottom? No, mine's the bottom. I wish you was there.
Speaker 1: My it's on the bottom of the back wall in
Speaker 1: the back door, like right by the floor. Yeah, well
Speaker 1: it's there. Oh yeah, that's fucking great. Still. Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: still an honor. Thank you so much. Perfect, this was
Speaker 1: this was an honor to get to do this. I
Speaker 1: was an honor to sit with you to work. Guys.
Speaker 1: This has been guys. We fun the Anti splot Shimmy podcast.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you next Friday. See right, so instant
Speaker 1: still make very guys. Today's show is sponsored by talk Space,
Speaker 1: the online therapy company that enables you to improve your
Speaker 1: mental health from anywhere, at any time. Get matched with
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist from over two thousand choices and message
Speaker 1: them whenever you need to, no commutes and no judgments.
Speaker 1: For a special offer for our listeners, visit talk space
Speaker 1: dot com slash GWF and use the code at g
Speaker 1: w F to get forty five dollars off your first
Speaker 1: month and show your support for this show talk Space.
Speaker 1: It's therapy for how we live today.