Speaker 1: Welcome to Guys We Fucked. Guys We Guys we Book.
Speaker 1: I'm Christina, I'm Corren. We're sorry about last night anti
Speaker 1: slut shaming podcast. I never stopped. Hey, everybody, welcome to
Speaker 1: another episode of Guys We Fuck. It's the Anti slushing podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm Corren. I'm Christina. And did you know that France
Speaker 1: passed new laws on street harassments. They're gonna start finding
Speaker 1: cat callers up to eight hundred and seventy dollars um.
Speaker 1: It's the law has been in the works for months
Speaker 1: and a video had recently surfaced of a woman uh
Speaker 1: being someone was yelling obscenities at her. She's yelled shut up.
Speaker 1: The guy through an ashtray add her and then like yeah,
Speaker 1: that barely missed, and then like came up to her
Speaker 1: and started sucking assaulting her. Um, I'm really curious if.
Speaker 1: And then she goes on to talk about her story
Speaker 1: and she was saying, like every woman I know has
Speaker 1: these terrible stories. I mean this, the experience she had
Speaker 1: with this guy was really bad, and she basically implied
Speaker 1: that like a lot of women in Paris go through this,
Speaker 1: I did not. I mean, I've never been to Paris.
Speaker 1: What the fun do I know? I just didn't. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I thought France was romantique. But that's that's
Speaker 1: an ignorant person thing to say. Well, you know, I
Speaker 1: I am cultural Well I don't even know what what's
Speaker 1: the word cultural culturist? Maybe against anyone who's European. Okay,
Speaker 1: I know European. European guys, though, I find are like
Speaker 1: touch her in a way that I like, yeah, like
Speaker 1: they're more like more like first of all, just way
Speaker 1: too much sexual for me. Right up, my Allen put
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Speaker 1: and this UH next ad is from Daily Harvest. We
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Speaker 1: Daily Dash Harvest dot com. Hey guys, come see us
Speaker 1: live because it's really a fun experience. Thank you to
Speaker 1: Philadelphia that was God, my hometown. Two and five really
Speaker 1: made me proud. You guys brought it. You really are
Speaker 1: great audiences. Yeah you really. You really can't insult Philadelphi
Speaker 1: people because they're already kind of trashy, but in like
Speaker 1: the best way possible. I just I really felt at home.
Speaker 1: I did. I did. Yeah. Yeah. So tonight, uh through Sunday,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be in Washington, d C at the d
Speaker 1: C Improv. You guys tend to be a little politically correct,
Speaker 1: Well let's just shove that out the fucking window. Most
Speaker 1: of your politicians or fucking people other than their wives,
Speaker 1: so let's get in on it. And then they're like,
Speaker 1: no little bre and that's terrible. Dallas, Texas, auguste five,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be at the Addison Improv. That's wild. We're
Speaker 1: news and we're allowed. Edmonton in Alberta, which is in Canada.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of adjectives who describe one place. September thirteenth,
Speaker 1: the fifteenth, we're gonna be at the Comic Strip, Atlanta, Georgia.
Speaker 1: I'm so fucking excited. I love Atlanta so much. You've
Speaker 1: been there? Oh yeah, yeah, I've never been there. My
Speaker 1: friend Ali lived there. Parents still lived there, so I
Speaker 1: went to visit her. I was fucking awesome. I'm so
Speaker 1: excited to be there for a long time. October eleven
Speaker 1: through the fourteenth, we're gonna be at Laughing Skull. If
Speaker 1: you go to Sorry about Last Night Comedy dot com
Speaker 1: slash tours, you'll see all of the rest of our
Speaker 1: tour dates and links for all the tickets and all
Speaker 1: the ship And then on Saturday, August eighteen, it's guys
Speaker 1: We Fest, which is happening at Brooklyn Studios in Brooklyn,
Speaker 1: New York. This is an all day event. There's day passes.
Speaker 1: The day portionists from ten am to four pm. It
Speaker 1: concludes with a live recording of the guys We podcast.
Speaker 1: We're gonn a cool celebrity guest, and we've also booked
Speaker 1: some interesting entertainment for the day. We're gonna have the
Speaker 1: Reformed Whors, We're gonna have a magician, We're gonna have
Speaker 1: Sarah Duly. My mom's gonna be there, Yeah, and then
Speaker 1: and stuff. There's so many cool things. One thing that
Speaker 1: we just added recently is we're basically creating like a
Speaker 1: Buffalo Exchange, but it's only with me and Christina's clothing,
Speaker 1: which seems narcissistic and a little creepy, but well, we
Speaker 1: need to get rid of it, and we're gonna donate
Speaker 1: all the proceedsactly. The the money will go to benefit
Speaker 1: New Alternatives and the Reproductive Health Access Project. So we
Speaker 1: really are excited. And it's a lot of nice ship
Speaker 1: that's recycling. Yeah, and my mom's gonna run it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be so fun. There's any shoes, there's any clothes,
Speaker 1: maybe some handbags, stuff like that. So you can buy
Speaker 1: all our stuff and you can sniff the crotch like
Speaker 1: my dog. It doesn't matter. You don't gotta tell us
Speaker 1: what you're gonna do with it, but you can deal
Speaker 1: with it what you will. It's washed. But again, there's
Speaker 1: good ship in there, very exciting. Most of it. I'm
Speaker 1: not giving away because it's not good anymore. I just
Speaker 1: got too fat for it to be honest. So I
Speaker 1: mean just to think of that as you get in
Speaker 1: it and be like, I'm a skinny bit. My brother
Speaker 1: is going to be there. I kind of want to
Speaker 1: do like a makeout booth just for my brother, but
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna make out. But anybody who wants to
Speaker 1: make out with them. Well, when I told when he
Speaker 1: was at the Philly show and I was like, kissing, Oh,
Speaker 1: that's my my brother make out. I guess a kissing you,
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Traditionally it would be a kissing proof
Speaker 1: the fund is wrong with me. I can't. I can't.
Speaker 1: My my shades are clothes, and I'm like, is it
Speaker 1: day or is it night? And it sometimes it makes
Speaker 1: me wacky. Um, so yeah, it's gonna be so much fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then and then the night portion is going to
Speaker 1: be a comedy slash music show and it's gonna be
Speaker 1: hosted by the wonderful squid to Hall who we heard.
Speaker 1: Oh and the day portion also Vicky Deville is gonna
Speaker 1: be performing. Like, so it's great. I recommend getting a
Speaker 1: combo pass. I'm excited because like we're gonna be there
Speaker 1: all day. One of the passes are sold out. I
Speaker 1: think the night only pass there's available, all access pass
Speaker 1: and day passes are We kind of made up those
Speaker 1: numbers well if I tried, because I tried to on
Speaker 1: the website. I mean, we just keep we just keep
Speaker 1: taking around with them. Basically, the max is like five
Speaker 1: dred we're getting really close, but you should absolutely by
Speaker 1: those end for anyone who can't make it. Um. There
Speaker 1: were so many requests that came in after we closed
Speaker 1: our Bonfire T shirt and merch campaign that we open
Speaker 1: that back up again because again, like Christina and I
Speaker 1: have put out a lot of money for our from
Speaker 1: our own pockets and we don't want to like, you know,
Speaker 1: lose ten k on this. But and we also want
Speaker 1: to make sure we can make the biggest possible donation
Speaker 1: to these organizations. We're trying to donate at least twenty
Speaker 1: thousand dollars, which I think we were more than capable
Speaker 1: of doing. But there's a lot of expensive things that
Speaker 1: go into renting a space and making it a safe,
Speaker 1: fun experience for everybody. Their security, there's E M T s,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of things that you kind of like
Speaker 1: when you're just you know, dicking around texting as comedy partners,
Speaker 1: you don't really think of Yeah, and our staff just
Speaker 1: a shout out to them. It's all it's all listeners
Speaker 1: staffed and they're volunteering your time. They've worked so so hard.
Speaker 1: All the designs you see, everything that you're gonna see,
Speaker 1: there is just uh, the fruits of the labor, the
Speaker 1: fruits of the labor of just so many wonderfully talented
Speaker 1: mostly women. UM and Tyler people are a couple of guys. Yeah,
Speaker 1: people who have helped us, and so we would really
Speaker 1: love for everyone to be there and just sell the
Speaker 1: ship out of this thing. We're almost there. For more information,
Speaker 1: you can have too, sorry about last night Night Comedy
Speaker 1: dot com slash guys. Be fast there. You can buy tickets,
Speaker 1: you can buy the merch and then you can also
Speaker 1: just make a donation if you want to help us
Speaker 1: out with that. We would really really appreciate it, and
Speaker 1: then all the proceeds that go to charity. Um. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's do a couple more ads and then talk some ship. Uh.
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Speaker 1: fund box. See the thing is that deal is so
Speaker 1: good that it makes me question, like how do they
Speaker 1: make money? Who's packing these box? You know what? The well,
Speaker 1: you don't put that part in the ad when you
Speaker 1: upload it onto the website, because don't, because you're right.
Speaker 1: Actually it really makes you think. But you know what though,
Speaker 1: I think that they probably the people who own the company,
Speaker 1: actual companies own. I want to get my brand's name
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Speaker 1: buy it. So they don't kind of get orphans Chinese
Speaker 1: orphans said they just injected horse people like in the
Speaker 1: movie Sorry to Bother You. I gotta still see that
Speaker 1: well ruined it, you know, and I'm doing good, so
Speaker 1: I don't care. Do you got you got an email?
Speaker 1: Or let me talk about my life? Oh? Did I
Speaker 1: have an email? Was I supposed to look for one day? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Oh sorry, If it's okay, I'll do what while you're
Speaker 1: talking about your life? I was reading that. I was
Speaker 1: reading the French an article. Okay, okay, now we don't
Speaker 1: have to do an email um today, I mean unless
Speaker 1: you probably help my social media did okay? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: you guys, you guys. So there's so many updates because
Speaker 1: we haven't recorded in a while. Um. But today today
Speaker 1: when Andrew came our guests this week, uh, and he
Speaker 1: came early, and I was like, man, you caught me
Speaker 1: on a good day. I'm feeling great. I got my
Speaker 1: group back. I'm fucking women need to hit on Memore,
Speaker 1: women who enjoy sleeping with men. Obviously, only if you're
Speaker 1: a lesbian, you're fine, but uh, I really think women
Speaker 1: should be hitting on Memory. I've always thought that if
Speaker 1: I think a guy's cute, I will hit on them.
Speaker 1: I have no problems doing it. I love it. It's fun.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you get rejected a little, you know, a little
Speaker 1: slice of humble pie, but maybe you need that. Um.
Speaker 1: But today I was walking, uh down eighty fifth Street
Speaker 1: and a fire truck had passed me. But there's a
Speaker 1: lot of traffic in the street, and and I winked
Speaker 1: at the guy and I like did like one of
Speaker 1: those head things, like one of those little like sup
Speaker 1: kind of and I mind like call me. And he
Speaker 1: he looked back and he's like okay, and I was
Speaker 1: like uh, and I was like, I feel so good.
Speaker 1: And then I it was traffic. So I was walking
Speaker 1: ahead of the fire truck and then the fire truck
Speaker 1: caught up to me and stopped, and the guy was like, no,
Speaker 1: call me the guy, this hotass firefighter. His name's Kevin
Speaker 1: and he's probably from Brooklyn. I hope he's oh, I
Speaker 1: hope he's over thirty. Um. He comes out and he's like, no,
Speaker 1: give me my number. I'll take you out. No, well,
Speaker 1: he goes, hey, let me put my number in your phone.
Speaker 1: I'll take you off a drink sometime. I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I mean you cantality was over thirty by looking at
Speaker 1: his face, No, I can't. I couldn't tell. He was
Speaker 1: like on the border. I was so excited that I
Speaker 1: was shaking, so I wasn't really paying attention. You're going
Speaker 1: to call him, right? Hell? Yeah, right right right, one
Speaker 1: of my eighty. It's probably better to call. But I'm
Speaker 1: not going to call him. I mean, even if he
Speaker 1: turns out to be a terrible it's fine. But that
Speaker 1: just made me feel so good. I couldn't believe it happened.
Speaker 1: I couldn't believe it. I was smiling like a fucking
Speaker 1: I like that. Like I was like, I was like,
Speaker 1: you could probably get a lot of firefighters phone numbers.
Speaker 1: I probably could if I just want my walk right
Speaker 1: into the fire station. I'm gonna you should absolutely do that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it. And I've been doing this thing lately.
Speaker 1: Well it's gonna make me sound like a loser, probably,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Well, we'll see, uh, but I've you know, uh,
Speaker 1: what is it called in cells? Involter really celibate? I
Speaker 1: don't know. Okay, that's like the mein the main guys
Speaker 1: on Twitter with or on Reddit with their dicks in
Speaker 1: their hands. In cell is like a yeah, and they're
Speaker 1: like I didn't. Sometimes they're mean about it because they
Speaker 1: really they got a low beds that stood for it
Speaker 1: does sound like a more official word for something like
Speaker 1: an FBI term, but it's just a guy. Um well, oh,
Speaker 1: I thought it was involtarily celibate. I thought there was
Speaker 1: a real thing called like the instill like that they
Speaker 1: used in like fan see movies. There probably is, I'm
Speaker 1: not I don't know. I'm sure there is. I'm sure
Speaker 1: we could maybe google it, but um so, you know,
Speaker 1: and I'm very like picky the words we don't know podcast. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's the second name of this story of
Speaker 1: my life. Um, but I've been I'm like you know,
Speaker 1: I've kind of been focusing Melissa and I had this
Speaker 1: like no Guy July. There were two guys in it,
Speaker 1: but whenever, well you make your own rules for no
Speaker 1: Guy July, you ever have to feel bad. So I've heard, Yes,
Speaker 1: it's a beautiful system because you never feel guilty. You
Speaker 1: just do what you want. Um, but I've just you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not right. Did sleep with someone recently and it
Speaker 1: was great. Hopefully he's gonna be on the podcast next week,
Speaker 1: so we'll talk about it then. But other than that,
Speaker 1: I'm just not you know. I guess I'm involuntarily celibate,
Speaker 1: but I've changed my focus so that doesn't make me
Speaker 1: sad anymore. And I've been doing this thing where like
Speaker 1: at night, and it's like, you know, because I'm masturbate.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you know that about me. Um,
Speaker 1: but I I'll like walk around my apartment in lingerie
Speaker 1: and heels and it makes me so horny. I think
Speaker 1: you don't live on you live on the first floor
Speaker 1: and I closed, I mean, my shades are all closed.
Speaker 1: I'm not not for the lingerie, just for the annoyingness
Speaker 1: of someone walking around their apartment and feels oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I never have to worry about that because you know,
Speaker 1: um first alow in the basement. But uh, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: this is fun and it's something that's Uh, I'm doing
Speaker 1: sounds so lifetimey, but like I'm doing it for me,
Speaker 1: but I'm not. I love wearing lingerie, but I've never
Speaker 1: I've only ever worn lingerie for a guy. But now
Speaker 1: I'm wearing lingerie for myself and it's better. It's nice.
Speaker 1: It's really nice. And I feel like, um, I've just
Speaker 1: been feeling a lot better mentally. Uh, I feel like
Speaker 1: less scatter brain and less like I'm I feel like grounded,
Speaker 1: like I'm on the on the earth, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. I'm not in my head as much. So
Speaker 1: that's fun. Oh and then do we talk about on
Speaker 1: the podcast the riot thing changing the profession? I don't
Speaker 1: never get down in my notes talk about it. We've
Speaker 1: talked about rya a little bit. Yeah, So I cringe
Speaker 1: really good with giving advice on people's dating profiles, and
Speaker 1: I had comedian or anything like apartments. I can tell
Speaker 1: you you're not getting Oh that's my favorite thing. Tell
Speaker 1: me why, Well, I already told you there's nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with your apartment. Your apartment's fine, right, it's pretty good.
Speaker 1: I usually do men's apartments because I've never really walked
Speaker 1: into I mean, if you go walking to a woman's
Speaker 1: apartment and it's stopping her from getting fucked, there's going
Speaker 1: to be a dead body. Yeah, your apartment's great, there's
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that. Um. But anyway, so I had
Speaker 1: comedian on what I do because I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's a fun yeah. Oh, guys would be like what
Speaker 1: over here? Yeah, wow, that's so interesting. I want to know.
Speaker 1: And obviously if I'm on the app, I'm not like
Speaker 1: an open micer, you know what I mean? Right? Even worse, Well, anyway,
Speaker 1: I can't think of anything less fuckable than a successful
Speaker 1: female comedian. I mean, just like, look at his story annoying.
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I'm living the same life. But it's like, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: that's never gonna get you laid. Well, you're telling me
Speaker 1: because I changed it to performer parentheses not porn. Right.
Speaker 1: We discussed in the car. Yeah, yeah, and then fucking
Speaker 1: everyone I liked like me back because it's not it's
Speaker 1: not a lot, but it's not the truth. Well it's
Speaker 1: not the whole truth. It's not the whole truth. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, which is really I need the line
Speaker 1: you want to toil that's what you want to boil
Speaker 1: it down to. And dating, it's like I'm getting not true.
Speaker 1: Well so, I actually I've never been on any dates
Speaker 1: from this. It's just more like a game to me
Speaker 1: because people don't really message a lot. They just like you, like,
Speaker 1: I'm going out with this guy tonight, Okay, yeah, better
Speaker 1: you better get ready though, Yeah I know, but I
Speaker 1: don't look ready. You're She's in a T shirt that
Speaker 1: says I tried again. I thought that's a funny conversation start,
Speaker 1: but probably not. I would not wear that on a
Speaker 1: date with someone from I wasn't gonna It's like you
Speaker 1: need to show the titties. Just peek him out a
Speaker 1: little bit. Yeah he's really good looking. You gotta do it.
Speaker 1: You His voice isn't like yeah, well, I mean this
Speaker 1: really hot surgeon like me back. I mean, I'm definitely
Speaker 1: not gonna message with you. But yeah, well, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: is he a vet because there's like a picture of
Speaker 1: him in a surgeon's offit with dogs and I'm like, unless,
Speaker 1: like the hospital is not letting dogs into the surgery
Speaker 1: room unless it's a dog hospital, so so that don't know,
Speaker 1: a veteran chef would be like my two number one,
Speaker 1: like choices for occupation. Oh yeah, yeah yeah, I still
Speaker 1: want a data mail comics. Oh god, no, it's definitely
Speaker 1: not on my dreams list. I mean, I've done it. Sorry,
Speaker 1: that was my involuntary reaction. Okay, um, this uh, this
Speaker 1: email is called the Love of my Life got a
Speaker 1: girl pregnant and the baby is do on my birthday?
Speaker 1: That sucks. I did not see that email. Hey, Crion
Speaker 1: and Christina. I'm a faithful sucker and I've listened to
Speaker 1: almost every podcast. Well not that faithful, So I guess
Speaker 1: I need to give a little back story. But the
Speaker 1: Love of my life when I was fifteen and I'm
Speaker 1: uh and in high school. I know you probably think,
Speaker 1: how the fund does she know what love is at fifteen?
Speaker 1: But I know I was truly in love. I mean
Speaker 1: you might be, I don't know. It's like the light
Speaker 1: of love of your life though, because you just haven't
Speaker 1: you know, you know who know it with a lot
Speaker 1: of life? Why else would I have spent so much
Speaker 1: time crying about him, trying to protect him and putting
Speaker 1: all of my love and energy into him for three
Speaker 1: years in my life. Well, I mean that's just that's
Speaker 1: another issue. Yeah, that's not disn't he's the love of
Speaker 1: your life. But anyway, we're not gonna argue with you.
Speaker 1: He was emotionally and mentally abuse of Okay, so again,
Speaker 1: definitely not not your life at all. But I still
Speaker 1: loved him so much. We parted at graduation, mainly because
Speaker 1: he decided to go with his girlfriend that he was
Speaker 1: apparently dating the whole time I was with him. Definitely
Speaker 1: not the love of your life. Girl, Christ fucked up,
Speaker 1: isn't it. I'm approaching my twentieth birthday and that's also
Speaker 1: how you know it's not the love of your life.
Speaker 1: On September five, my ex blocked me on everything back
Speaker 1: in January and I haven't heard from him since. So,
Speaker 1: as any normal girl would I do, I got high
Speaker 1: as funck and asked my best friend from high school
Speaker 1: to add him on Facebook so I could know what
Speaker 1: was going on. Flash this morning, when I had to
Speaker 1: wake up at six thirty am for work and see
Speaker 1: a message from my best friend, it's screenshots of my
Speaker 1: ex's Facebook and he got a girl pregnant Jesus christ
Speaker 1: um back in definitely not the love your life. But
Speaker 1: you need to give that that friend. You need to
Speaker 1: give you a call and just have That's like a
Speaker 1: rude thing. Back in high school, his main flaw was
Speaker 1: that he was too hardcore Christian. He even won, so
Speaker 1: he's hardcore Christian. He's mentally and is he also physically abusive,
Speaker 1: emotionally and mentally abusive, and he was sucking someone else
Speaker 1: the whole time. I mean, what a catch is he
Speaker 1: and Riya back in high school? You know he's not
Speaker 1: wearing socks either back in high school? Is madful? I
Speaker 1: was that he was too hardcore Christian. He even wanted
Speaker 1: to be a priest, so guess what, No sex until
Speaker 1: marriage was his view. That was fine with me at
Speaker 1: the time because I wasn't ready for that, But at
Speaker 1: a certain point I got frustrating and annoying. Now knowing
Speaker 1: this the whole time I've I've known him and waking
Speaker 1: up today seeing he got a girl pregnant was really
Speaker 1: a fucking shock. But not only did he have to
Speaker 1: get a girl pregnant, but the baby is supposed to
Speaker 1: be do on my birthday. According to this girl's Facebook,
Speaker 1: which you know I fucking stocked laughing my ass off.
Speaker 1: I'm also really high later in the day writing this. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to cook with this. I
Speaker 1: was never prepared for the love of my life to
Speaker 1: have a baby on my birthday. Not your usual outcome.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you have any advice, but I
Speaker 1: felt I should share my story of my fucked up life. Okay,
Speaker 1: So the advice is that you fucking need a better
Speaker 1: tact or for who the love of your life is,
Speaker 1: because boo boo, he ain't he ain't it? This is you. Literally,
Speaker 1: this is like the this is like the precious of
Speaker 1: loves of life. Like if you could put enough, I
Speaker 1: can't even think of any more bad qualities. Besides, he
Speaker 1: like shot at a squirrel with a pellet guy to
Speaker 1: add to this fucking heinous list of trash quality. So
Speaker 1: what's the what the problem here is? It's you? It's you. You.
Speaker 1: I personally, I go throughout my life with the fun
Speaker 1: book that I did I read that gave me this,
Speaker 1: some self help book. But I was like, you know,
Speaker 1: just going around just assuming the problem is you, but
Speaker 1: not in a shaming way. But saying, all right, what
Speaker 1: could I do differently next time? Because if you think
Speaker 1: that way, you're going to improve yourself. You have agreed,
Speaker 1: you've made the agreement with yourself that you deserve that guy.
Speaker 1: Get the funk out of town. With that logic. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, you shouldn't date anybody for like at least
Speaker 1: six months and one. I think going to therapy is
Speaker 1: something that everybody should do, no matter what the scope
Speaker 1: of their how they feel about them. Helps. I think
Speaker 1: it's just gonna help and and get to a place
Speaker 1: where you know that you don't deserve somebody like that,
Speaker 1: and that's the not the love of your life at all.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I've had so many amazing relationships in
Speaker 1: my lifetime and none of them were that the bad
Speaker 1: as bad as you've described it as bad, I don't
Speaker 1: even know. Like And also it's like, you know, you
Speaker 1: can also like kind of like look back and see
Speaker 1: like the kind of like like love like relationships that
Speaker 1: you've had and like a few people were like manipulating
Speaker 1: you or or like if what you think is love
Speaker 1: is not truly love. But like this is so bad, girl, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just bad. And uh, actually no, you're I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: I have had a hitty relationships. My last boyfriend before
Speaker 1: Stephen Chris, he cheated on me and I actually try
Speaker 1: to like I wanted him back, and he said no,
Speaker 1: And then I was believing for six months and then
Speaker 1: I went to therapy. That you got to go to
Speaker 1: therapy to understand where these issues are coming from. It
Speaker 1: will give you a much needed perspective, because holy shit,
Speaker 1: you deserve way better. But if you can't, or if
Speaker 1: you can't afford, if you or for what every reason
Speaker 1: you don't want to, I mean, just some hot tips
Speaker 1: on like a real list, sical of things to look for. Yes,
Speaker 1: if someone's dating someone else while they're dating you and
Speaker 1: what's supposed to be an exclusive relationship, I would say
Speaker 1: that's a hard no mentally or emotionally abusive. Again no hard,
Speaker 1: I mean hardcore christian is also on my list of
Speaker 1: hard nose. That's just Kars personally Christian, and that's great. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I mean just like there's nothing, there's nothing, and
Speaker 1: also like he blocked you, like there's he doesn't want
Speaker 1: you his life, and that's a blessing for you talking
Speaker 1: about Christianity, that's a blessing. The fact that he got Jesus,
Speaker 1: I want to say, like you Dodge, it's so hardcore.
Speaker 1: You are so fortunate. I can't tell you how fortunate
Speaker 1: you are for getting out of this relationship. For him
Speaker 1: blocking you're the rest of your life could have been ruined. Yes,
Speaker 1: if if things went another way way, this guy suck.
Speaker 1: You gotta get out of there. You gotta get your friends.
Speaker 1: None of them like it. And also, you meant when
Speaker 1: you're fifteen, you're twenty. Now it's been five years. You've
Speaker 1: got to get over it. You just have to this guy.
Speaker 1: You have no choice. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for this guy.
Speaker 1: And I don't even know this guy. I mean, this guy. Really,
Speaker 1: this guys, this guy's good. This guy should be on more.
Speaker 1: This guy give this you Are you with a moriy guest? Yes,
Speaker 1: I mean come on, stop it, get out of there, girl,
Speaker 1: love yourself yourself. Okay, okay our guests, Yeah, maybe you
Speaker 1: know what? Damn this guy? You know what? Uh? This guy,
Speaker 1: this we guest. A lot of guys know him as
Speaker 1: Alfred stock Sitter, but that's not how he wants to
Speaker 1: be known. He is a stand up comedian and he's
Speaker 1: co host of the Wonderful, Happy and Never After Podcast.
Speaker 1: Please give a warm welcome to Andrew Colin. I am
Speaker 1: allowed to be angry a lawfish. You can't take stop
Speaker 1: honor and then, hey, do you stand a great joke
Speaker 1: with my lady out emotions. I'm a solo when I'm
Speaker 1: feeling explosive, I'm a scream of public. I'm a I'm
Speaker 1: a scream of public. I'm a passage. You didn't give
Speaker 1: a ten to coll A riss told, that's just why
Speaker 1: I could rub a Massis can't order to get sick.
Speaker 1: Don't you dare from me? Dramatic ticks lighted me? Trauma
Speaker 1: mean fun to me? Quietly? What society that twin? Like
Speaker 1: my post? And do you hear pot we closela all
Speaker 1: my clothes. I'm just system is a joke. I'm not
Speaker 1: going over or mettling to pressing like a sword, im
Speaker 1: for solf doubt a lot to be mad about. I'm
Speaker 1: sucking pissed, I'm sucking Piss'm piss you, I'm sucking pist
Speaker 1: I'm sucking pissed on ship. Hey, everybody, we're here with
Speaker 1: Andrew Colin. He's single, so just one Collin right now.
Speaker 1: Multiple Collins Collins. I know a lot of people with
Speaker 1: last name Collins, Phil, Phil Collins, Todd Collins, Tom Collins,
Speaker 1: K drink. Yeah, well I'm really a Cohen. But my
Speaker 1: grandpa changed the name O the whole much. That makes
Speaker 1: so much sense because I was like, I know your
Speaker 1: Jew because of everything about you, but what your last
Speaker 1: name does not match up? No, it doesn't. My grandpa Marvin, Marvin,
Speaker 1: Marvin Cohen, my grandfa It's Marvin Cohen, Thelma Cohen. On
Speaker 1: my dad's side and then on my mom's side is uh, head, No,
Speaker 1: I'm getting it's it's it's worse. It's it's Henry, Henry
Speaker 1: Gindell and Shirley Gendell. I mean it's Henry, Shirley, Marvin,
Speaker 1: and Thelma. I have indigestion just hearing um. So yeah, no,
Speaker 1: So what were we talking about? How we're just talking
Speaker 1: about you? So my grandpa changed the name from from
Speaker 1: Cohen to Colin because he was trying to get a
Speaker 1: job in Texas and they don't like Jews, and now
Speaker 1: a kind of don't it just started? Actually, I mean,
Speaker 1: where was that when Sasha Baron Cohen did the throw
Speaker 1: the Jew down the well bit? I mean that was
Speaker 1: in the Southern I gotta watch more episode that was
Speaker 1: in the movie, right, Yeah, Oh my god, that's my
Speaker 1: one of my favorite Barrat. I thought it was bored. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm really bad with names and everything. It is borat.
Speaker 1: Barratt is just like the wrong way to say Barrett.
Speaker 1: I think I know a baratic. Maybe it wasn't so
Speaker 1: you would hung out in Current's apartment while we were
Speaker 1: away on tour for two weeks. I mean he was
Speaker 1: watching Off and he wasn't Just like, ye, did you
Speaker 1: kork off on her couch? Where did Off everywhere in
Speaker 1: the coffin? Well, I'm sure you did. I don't care.
Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I can't tell someone they can't jerk off.
Speaker 1: I just don't want to see remnants of it because
Speaker 1: I have a lot of black fabrics in my home.
Speaker 1: I don't want to see any rings. Well likely I
Speaker 1: come black, So no pearl necklaces on my curtains, no
Speaker 1: rings of like fluid Like you know how fluid leaves
Speaker 1: a ring. Oh yeah, when you put a glass down
Speaker 1: or when you cle think how many times? I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's it's hard because I was there for ten days
Speaker 1: I'd love for you to keep that you could tell
Speaker 1: me isn't present, because Okay, Christina is always like I
Speaker 1: can't believe you let someone live in your home, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well, yeah, the first thing I do
Speaker 1: is not ask them when and where they jerk off.
Speaker 1: So that's the first thing. Jerked off and dog walks
Speaker 1: like where you get like twenty minutes, and it's really
Speaker 1: it's like a countdown. It's like a tom cruise. Are
Speaker 1: aren't you scared that these people have like nanny cams?
Speaker 1: Some do and they tell you they don't usually like
Speaker 1: and they don't have them in the bathroom. Okay, so
Speaker 1: they tell you I would never tell you, And I
Speaker 1: absolutely was considering getting a peccam not to watch you,
Speaker 1: just to watch off because I missed some um but
Speaker 1: I'm not there. But like the one like if you
Speaker 1: have to firm somewhere where the person wouldn't be naked,
Speaker 1: well that's nowhere. I don't know. Are you always jerking
Speaker 1: off in only the bathroom? I guess not. I guess
Speaker 1: I got caught on a nanny cam by my brother,
Speaker 1: but not jerking it. But I left. I got laid
Speaker 1: during the day, like I never day fucked? Do you
Speaker 1: get Have you ever had like an afternoon or you
Speaker 1: just meet a guy at a bar and you're fucking
Speaker 1: my two pm? God? No, I don't go to bars
Speaker 1: and I don't go to well on a Saturday or Sunday.
Speaker 1: Really still sleep. He's drinking. It makes me so tired,
Speaker 1: y'all are si squares? No ill, I've done Molly before.
Speaker 1: So So I met a girl and I was watching
Speaker 1: my brother's dog and uh, I didn't realize. I was
Speaker 1: so drunk that I didn't. I was gone for like
Speaker 1: eight to ten hours and the dog started crying and
Speaker 1: he set off the baby camp. And then my sister
Speaker 1: in law called me and was like, you gotta get
Speaker 1: the funk back to the house. Hubert's crying and he's
Speaker 1: on the baby camp. Hubert, So I run back. I stopped.
Speaker 1: I get a turkey sandwich and because Subert can. And
Speaker 1: it's like the ten hours is not I mean, like,
Speaker 1: that's that's long, but it's not that long. You can
Speaker 1: leave a dog alone for quite some time. I agree,
Speaker 1: But this dog is very like you know my brother
Speaker 1: as well, and you know he takes care of the
Speaker 1: dog bad like he lefts a dog onto bed but
Speaker 1: not me, kind of saying yeah, because I'm dirtier than
Speaker 1: this fucking filthy animal, So yeah, that is true so much.
Speaker 1: And his dog because he is he has zero and
Speaker 1: I'm less than that. Um I yeah, And I got
Speaker 1: back and I started yelling at Hubert because I was drunk.
Speaker 1: He ratted me out. You fucking ratted me out, like
Speaker 1: it was that embarrassing. And then my brother six months later,
Speaker 1: we're getting a beer and I was like, all right, whatever,
Speaker 1: I passed out and my brother looked at me six
Speaker 1: months later and he goes, you ratted me out, Hubert.
Speaker 1: You like he held onto that. Yeah, that's hilarious. I'm
Speaker 1: surprised he didn't show you, like uploaded to YouTube and
Speaker 1: send you the clip like a Charlie Chaplin video. I
Speaker 1: don't even know. Yeah, yeah, with like subtitles like Emily.
Speaker 1: I know. It's such a piece of ship for that,
Speaker 1: but you know, I mean, that's not that bad. But
Speaker 1: that's why he's successful because you could hold onto that
Speaker 1: and I get a turkey sandwich, like I can't even wait.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm just pathetic, but whatever, what's going on? Pathetic.
Speaker 1: We got a lot of little stories like you have
Speaker 1: a lot of You've had a lot of stuff, You've
Speaker 1: had a lot of fun experiences. You're like the perfect
Speaker 1: guest for the show. Yeah, I think you would think
Speaker 1: by my experiences, like I've had a lot of sex.
Speaker 1: But because I have a friend, So why is that
Speaker 1: afriend because there's no I mean, why you not have girlfriends?
Speaker 1: You're very you're very likable, ball, you're attractive, Like what
Speaker 1: there has to be a problem, and I want to
Speaker 1: know about it asap, Um, what's wrong with you? I'm
Speaker 1: trying to think where I start. I mean, so I
Speaker 1: had a girl girlfriend in college, and um, I come
Speaker 1: from divorce family, right, like horrible divorce dad mom. However,
Speaker 1: so yeah, and he like whatever to secretary, the married
Speaker 1: to secretary, that whole thing, And so he was banging
Speaker 1: this scretary and then he married the secretary. That's like
Speaker 1: kind of that's a fairy tale, and her family not you, Like,
Speaker 1: I can understand why you would want to be a
Speaker 1: comedian because you're like that. That was just such a
Speaker 1: hack premise. Also, I think he did him to prove like,
Speaker 1: oh it's real, you know, like he want to be
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? And we lived in a
Speaker 1: very small town and in Florida. Yeah, and you just
Speaker 1: don't want to try that hard. And my dad worked
Speaker 1: hundred hour weeks. You know, he was a doctor, So
Speaker 1: you just go where kind of doctor secretaries. I thought
Speaker 1: they have receptionists. Oh yeah whatever. Andrew's narrative, it's it's
Speaker 1: a set okay. Um, so yeah, I know he's a
Speaker 1: cancer doctor, so it's like, yeah, it's I was like,
Speaker 1: there has to be something a little bit walked in.
Speaker 1: If I like Lukemi and they were like, this is
Speaker 1: your cancer doctor, I would be like, yeah, um, I
Speaker 1: trust this guy. I don't know. So I didn't have
Speaker 1: that like whatever that parents thing to look at and
Speaker 1: be like, oh, this is a relationship. And then I
Speaker 1: went to an all Christian high school and I was
Speaker 1: real little. It was really Jewish, I know, but it
Speaker 1: was a private school and my mom wanted me to
Speaker 1: get a better education. Florida schools are pretty shitty. So
Speaker 1: did you have to pretend to be Christian or could
Speaker 1: you be openly Jewish? I was not openly, but I
Speaker 1: found out pretty quickly that like these kids knew anti
Speaker 1: Semitism at a very early age, like like fifth grade.
Speaker 1: They were calling me a bagel. Yeah it is looking back.
Speaker 1: So first here, look I'm sting my people and then
Speaker 1: my eighth grade You're like, yeah did jews? You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, like you have to you'd rather
Speaker 1: be liked than stick up for your people. Absolutely, um,
Speaker 1: when you're special. So I felt very out of place
Speaker 1: there in a way. And I was I was small.
Speaker 1: I was like really tiny. But you keep saying it
Speaker 1: like what is like how small were you? I was
Speaker 1: like the smallest in the grade, Like yeah, it was
Speaker 1: a little run and now huge and like freaking gorgeous.
Speaker 1: But I'm sorry. I'm six four now with a huge cock.
Speaker 1: But when I was little because I was no, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: so I think. So I didn't have a girlfriend in
Speaker 1: high school at all, Like that's fine. A lot of
Speaker 1: people didn't have boyfriends and girlfriends in high school. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and if he did Hi high school, No, absolutely not.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't suck anyone from union. Your girl was sing
Speaker 1: that's great? Yeah probably no. Uh sophomore first boyfriend. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we were in love and then he cheated on me,
Speaker 1: did he really? Yeah? And he played music when you
Speaker 1: first Oh, he played guitar, he played all and I
Speaker 1: was like you know, the handsomest man in the world. Wait,
Speaker 1: what was Ryan Cabrera's number one hit on the Way Down?
Speaker 1: On the way Down, You shaved me from myself saved.
Speaker 1: It was like, well, I've been getting so yeah, it's
Speaker 1: about shaving. I loved that song. I loved running. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, his hair just him Yeah, yeah, I love
Speaker 1: see what you gotta do? So you didn't fox in
Speaker 1: high school? I didn't high school? Did your finger? I
Speaker 1: fingered a girl on a cruise once? You know? Can
Speaker 1: I see your hands? They're very Yeah, they're not big,
Speaker 1: and I come, oh, yeah, it's better to bite them
Speaker 1: than than to have dirty nails. Well I think I both.
Speaker 1: But you got stubbed nails and dirt under the stuff
Speaker 1: they're trying to sell you and help us trying to
Speaker 1: think I have green eyes. So okay, that's that's a
Speaker 1: good one. That's a good one. When you went to
Speaker 1: you finger a girl in a cruise ship, did you
Speaker 1: know what you were doing? I was so afraid of STDs.
Speaker 1: That's the one thing like I was really I saw kids, remember,
Speaker 1: of course. Yeah, so everyone sees anyone to get the aids.
Speaker 1: And then we had one lady speak out of high
Speaker 1: school and she had AIDS and that was why she
Speaker 1: speak because she had AIDS. She was terrifying the kids
Speaker 1: around sex. Okay, I remember my high school too. We
Speaker 1: would do prayer and I just, huh, did she like limp?
Speaker 1: Was she like really playing the AIDS up? She was
Speaker 1: very overweight, and I was like, just doesn't add up.
Speaker 1: I remember, I remember me like, I'm just saying I
Speaker 1: didn't excuse me. How come you fat? You can have
Speaker 1: AIDS and be overweight? I think, well, clearly, yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: she didn't have AIDS And the head of the school
Speaker 1: was like, how do we scarely some of the medicines
Speaker 1: that like HIV medications blow you. That was nineties seven,
Speaker 1: I don't yeah, probably back then any meaning. I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not so common anymore. My mom has been on medications,
Speaker 1: not for AIDS. My mom has like AIDS. Sorry. When
Speaker 1: she'd been on meds that I had made her gain
Speaker 1: a lot of weight. So maybe, yeah, my mom is
Speaker 1: on meds right now and she gains a lot of weight.
Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, it happens. Yeah. Okay, So so you
Speaker 1: were scared you don't want to get AIDS. You figure
Speaker 1: somebody on Yeah, I got an age test when I
Speaker 1: was a virgin because I because I fingered a grow
Speaker 1: and I bite my nails. That's what I told the doctor.
Speaker 1: I swear to god, what did the doctors say to
Speaker 1: you when you walked in with this? And for me
Speaker 1: like good, good thing, and you're real smart. Well he
Speaker 1: looked at my nails. He goes a better short than dirty,
Speaker 1: that's what he said. No, I don't know, he was
Speaker 1: just Uh, it was in college. It was my freshman
Speaker 1: year in college. Yeah, I fingered I bit my nails.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, he's like, how many sexual partners?
Speaker 1: Like none? And then I was like because I fingered
Speaker 1: a grown by my nails and then uh, I remember
Speaker 1: getting the results. And then my roommate came in. I
Speaker 1: was listening to Cat Stevens and he's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: he might have a because I was playing Cat Stevens.
Speaker 1: I was there in yeah, and they were not in
Speaker 1: your favor. Yeah. And so then freshman year, Uh, I
Speaker 1: lost my virginity to like random like like sorority girl
Speaker 1: who gave me eighty dollars at the beginning of the party,
Speaker 1: like like a formal kind of thing, and she's like
Speaker 1: go have fun. And then what then are you talking about?
Speaker 1: I went to make sense. So she had a sorority
Speaker 1: formal and then and how did you meet her? She
Speaker 1: was just a friend, like okay her yeah, and then
Speaker 1: um she uh yeah, she just she just gave me
Speaker 1: eight She's like, go have fun. She was really rich,
Speaker 1: have fun, like yeah, like I was a whole drink. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I bought drinks. I got hammered and uh and then yeah,
Speaker 1: we had horrible sex, like I don't know if I
Speaker 1: was hard. Maybe it was, you don't know, if you
Speaker 1: were hard to very drunk and uh that was the
Speaker 1: only and that was like my Virginia, like I've held
Speaker 1: on like I held onto it too, like I want
Speaker 1: to want it to be special. My parents are divorced,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like it was one of
Speaker 1: those you know, and so like I wanted. I really did,
Speaker 1: Like I was a hopeless romantic, like you got paid.
Speaker 1: I got paid to lose my Virginia, which was like,
Speaker 1: um no, I think I was too afraid of age.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I was probably I don't know, because
Speaker 1: I probably been. I'd been my life of like young
Speaker 1: women walking around with Andrew. Then it was different. It
Speaker 1: was like I think, so I think now we're good. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, okay, Rent during the Rent period. This was
Speaker 1: before Rent, but like I know, I know it wasn't. Oh,
Speaker 1: this is not ninety seven. I thought that's where we
Speaker 1: Rent came out. Rent was earlier than that. That was
Speaker 1: the early nineties, I believe, right, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: saw in high school two thousand four. So then I
Speaker 1: got a girlfriend in college, like a like a real one.
Speaker 1: You met her. She was in she was rushing a story.
Speaker 1: She was a freshman. I was a sophomore. And what
Speaker 1: what made you be like, that's going to be my girlfriend?
Speaker 1: I don't I think I really wanted one, Like that's it,
Speaker 1: like I really but like she was pretty, she was beautiful.
Speaker 1: She was kind of fun, uh kind of she wasn't
Speaker 1: like I made her. You ever like date someone and
Speaker 1: you you mold like you mold them in your mind.
Speaker 1: People who can be every day they can and also
Speaker 1: people there are people who can be fun around fun people,
Speaker 1: but also can be born like they're not gonna start
Speaker 1: their but they can continue the fun if they are
Speaker 1: showed what jump on the fun train? Yeah, so built
Speaker 1: her up in her head to be a little more
Speaker 1: fun than she actually was. Yes, and we were dating
Speaker 1: and like the sex was like I was, I would
Speaker 1: go down on our ton and she only blew me
Speaker 1: once the whole relationship. And we dave for like three
Speaker 1: years and we were sixty nine, so imagine the selfishness. Wait,
Speaker 1: she didn't blow you while you were sixty nine. That
Speaker 1: was the only time she ever laid your hand. Get tired? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was on top, so I had nowhere to go.
Speaker 1: But it was who on top on top? And I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm never doing this order again. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: you can't because when your guys on top of and
Speaker 1: and you're getting bad and then and you can smell it,
Speaker 1: a woman always needs to be on top for sixty nine,
Speaker 1: someone told me recently. So you do get face to
Speaker 1: face with that bottle because my butt. I am so
Speaker 1: confident to have some of my butt in someone's face.
Speaker 1: But like the dangling, and also then you can't control it,
Speaker 1: You're just getting choked by the dick. Was that your idea?
Speaker 1: I really wasn't on top. I was working around, Okay,
Speaker 1: I was sorry. I'm sure someone's done it though, and
Speaker 1: I'm so glad we stopped I've done it. I've done
Speaker 1: it once. It was it was bad, Oh god, but
Speaker 1: she was come on a towel. That was pretty funny.
Speaker 1: Like she would make me go on the towel. She's
Speaker 1: like go on the towel like for cleanup like a dog. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then ship in the litter box like she was
Speaker 1: just like whatever, and would you have sex in her
Speaker 1: dorm or your dorm or both? Mostly in her dorm.
Speaker 1: And then I was like obsessed with her, like I
Speaker 1: remember I thought she was cheating on me, and like
Speaker 1: I was, I would like run in the rain like
Speaker 1: for her, like like right, like A really wanted something
Speaker 1: to work out because your parents have been spider really did,
Speaker 1: I really did. I was so like this is this
Speaker 1: is it? This We're gonna have kids and like I
Speaker 1: don't know, like I was like living in a dream
Speaker 1: work and I was like I'm saying like I would
Speaker 1: be the one to like call fifty times, you know,
Speaker 1: and she didn't call back. You have control issues bad
Speaker 1: back then. Now I'm like completely the other way, which
Speaker 1: is bad. You just don't care. Yeah, So I'm like
Speaker 1: just because I'm probably afraid of doing what I did,
Speaker 1: you know you can stop yourself. I've also heard some
Speaker 1: things about like that. I think, like, I mean, just
Speaker 1: because you know, I know you, and you know you know,
Speaker 1: we all talk about it. I feel like you don't
Speaker 1: know when people like you. Is a problem that you
Speaker 1: have that happens a lot. I don't know when women
Speaker 1: are flirting because I have so many women friends. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but if you're if they're your female friends, are probably
Speaker 1: not flirting with you, right, Yeah, I don't know. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I mean I've had female friends like like you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and how did they let you know that they liked you?
Speaker 1: Did they tell? Did they have to tell you? Because
Speaker 1: they were giving all those hints and you were like, dude, well,
Speaker 1: I guess just over time you think that it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not just your friend. Bad. That hasn't happened many times.
Speaker 1: I don't even know if it actually ever happened in
Speaker 1: your head. I do live in my head. It's a
Speaker 1: it's a all I do is it's gotten better. That's good.
Speaker 1: But how therapy? Therapy? Yeah, I started like seven months
Speaker 1: ago and it's changed my life. Oh I bet she's
Speaker 1: not even that good at a therapist. But she was
Speaker 1: cutting her fingernails the other day, like clipping hers while
Speaker 1: I'm like crying about my dad. Yeah, She's like really
Speaker 1: it was like so disingenuous. It was great, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: But well yeah, I mean maybe therapy is great. I
Speaker 1: highly recommend. How could you clip your how could she? Like,
Speaker 1: I can't believe she even did that, Like that's really
Speaker 1: what I told my friend And she's like, she's testing you.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what, No, therapists aren't supposed to
Speaker 1: do that. It was supposed to be on your side. Yeah. No,
Speaker 1: But I went to her, I was like, so were
Speaker 1: you testing me last week? She goes no, like like
Speaker 1: she was mad. Just gross, Okay, it's gross and rude.
Speaker 1: That's good. So the girlfriend you out in college that
Speaker 1: you just in a towel? How long did that last?
Speaker 1: It was like off and on for three years. But
Speaker 1: there was there was something like huge that happened in
Speaker 1: my life with her that I don't know. It's pretty sad.
Speaker 1: But no, I we shared a cat together, but that's
Speaker 1: not the part, but the cat. Yeah, we bought this
Speaker 1: three cat. But yeah, in college, it was like so
Speaker 1: much money and exotic short hair and I was in
Speaker 1: a frattorney house and it was supposed to live in
Speaker 1: her dorm, and it came and lived with me in
Speaker 1: the attorney house because it got kicked out of a dorm.
Speaker 1: So I have this beautiful exotic short hair in the
Speaker 1: frat house. And at the end of the year, sophomore year,
Speaker 1: and there's a uh I had my room got ramsack.
Speaker 1: So I put a construction light on my ladder to
Speaker 1: go to my to my bed. I turned the light on.
Speaker 1: I go eat for twenty minutes with another girl like whatever,
Speaker 1: and not like like cheating, but like I went to
Speaker 1: eat with a girl, a female friend, and uh, I
Speaker 1: come back and there's a seventy ft flame shooting out
Speaker 1: the window. Yeah, and my and it's coming out my
Speaker 1: window did a chart char So I tell I tell
Speaker 1: the girl, I go keep driving, like I didn't want
Speaker 1: to deal with. I was so fucking like, what is
Speaker 1: it the cat? Andrew? No, I know friers are already there.
Speaker 1: It's not like I was so uh and everyone thank
Speaker 1: god that it was because of the light. I had
Speaker 1: a weird that's like kind of a construction like a
Speaker 1: work light. Yeah, my dad is in his garage because
Speaker 1: technically you can use those indoors. You just hit over heats,
Speaker 1: but I think touching the fabric. Yeah, so I think
Speaker 1: this is what I think happened. It's my c s.
Speaker 1: I I think that. I think the court went across
Speaker 1: like the room, and I think he blame on the cat. Andrew,
Speaker 1: did you see the carcass of the cat? Ever, So
Speaker 1: you're ready for this bad and I've gotten like ship
Speaker 1: for like telling the story like I don't care about
Speaker 1: the cat, but I care not. But but this was
Speaker 1: the reaction. A firefighter, which I know you're horny about,
Speaker 1: comes out with the cat, people holding it, going whose
Speaker 1: cat is this? The cat's dead? Fire enough fire smoke,
Speaker 1: so the cat looks fine, but he inhaled the smoke.
Speaker 1: He inhaled this, he got out of the room. He
Speaker 1: got out of the room. He just people are probably
Speaker 1: crying that's getting burned alive. Yeah, I'd rather say, I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't want either to happen and
Speaker 1: actually drowned. Noel's kind of yeah. So he goes who
Speaker 1: got it? And I was like, oh my god, I
Speaker 1: own a cat. It's so embarrassing. So I lived this.
Speaker 1: I was like I didn't want it was like prices right,
Speaker 1: like come on down to pick up this, and I
Speaker 1: was like, the prices right game in the world. Blame
Speaker 1: this dead cat. It's my cat. And he's like, what
Speaker 1: do you want me to do with it? And I
Speaker 1: was like, good fun. It was insane, and I was
Speaker 1: like asking, like a friend, what do I do? What
Speaker 1: do I do? And people like, we don't know, dude,
Speaker 1: you fucking we don't want to be associated with you.
Speaker 1: Who sucking cat gil? And I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: you didn't mean to boy. And then I was like,
Speaker 1: we'll just throw it away. I guess I didn't. I
Speaker 1: didn't know what to say, take it to the vet.
Speaker 1: And then you you get a creamate in college and
Speaker 1: you don't know how to dispose of a cat. And
Speaker 1: this is the problem I had. I had to go
Speaker 1: to a warrant to a concert that night, and so
Speaker 1: are you kidding? No, I went to warrant concert. Do
Speaker 1: you remember warrant? She's my cherry? Is it worse? I know?
Speaker 1: I know this is all bad? Are all bad. This
Speaker 1: is why I've been single for fifteen years. You know what?
Speaker 1: Warrants probably not doing that well. They might give us
Speaker 1: the usage for that song for this podcast, Like Mike
Speaker 1: can you contact warrant please? So I tell the girlfriend, Well,
Speaker 1: I was going to say, how on the phone the
Speaker 1: next day, Oh you waited she go with you to
Speaker 1: the concert? Or now she was back home at this point, yeah,
Speaker 1: one to one upset And I didn't know it was
Speaker 1: any reason to you know, rephras, what's up? Oh my god? Um,
Speaker 1: well Bailey Bailey's dad And she's like what And I
Speaker 1: was like yeah, fire Like she's like what and like
Speaker 1: I tried to tell her to story and I swear
Speaker 1: like she didn't seem like that angry because I think
Speaker 1: she was kind of over the relationship. Like it was like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, that wasn't like Bailey was the only
Speaker 1: thing that was keeping her dating. Yeah, kind And I
Speaker 1: was like, that's I think I bought the cat with
Speaker 1: her is to is to your idea? It was kind
Speaker 1: of no, I think it was her idea. But I
Speaker 1: was like, all four cat would fix your relationship pretty
Speaker 1: much in college and then h the cat died. We
Speaker 1: dated like off and on after that. Why I don't know,
Speaker 1: I still like look back and I don't really know.
Speaker 1: She ended up marrying a hard surgeon, so she made
Speaker 1: the right choice, but I don't know I dated her.
Speaker 1: I um, I was yeah. I remember in spring break
Speaker 1: I got like really ripped. Do you ever get like
Speaker 1: really in shape for spring break? I don't know that
Speaker 1: was I was a dick at We're all like figuring
Speaker 1: out that I was just I was like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I got a ton of anxiety. I didn't go to class.
Speaker 1: I didn't like learn anything. I cheated on everything. I
Speaker 1: did graduate, but I cheated on everything. What are your
Speaker 1: good qualities? I don't know, it sounds that bad. The
Speaker 1: cats that I didn't like, but everything you're not. No
Speaker 1: one's gonna like that, but it is like a part
Speaker 1: of my history. Asked before we move on, how did
Speaker 1: you dispose of the cat to firefighter? Just like literally
Speaker 1: like threw it into garbage. I can't with you, guys. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm sorry. But no, that's but yeah, the
Speaker 1: card again, you mean my fleas um. But that was
Speaker 1: like a big thing that happened to me, and what
Speaker 1: I did, like this is what I do is like
Speaker 1: that kind of thing happens to me, and then I
Speaker 1: don't learn anything, like I don't how many more cabinet lines? No,
Speaker 1: I haven't killed a cat. So I love that this
Speaker 1: started with Andrew single and then it's just like he
Speaker 1: kills cats and he goes to concerts after throwing him.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna lose ten followers from Um no, they don't
Speaker 1: listen to your material. Yeah, I listen to podcast. You're
Speaker 1: there for the Alfred pictures. That is true. That's a
Speaker 1: good point. Um. But yeah, so then uh yeah, um
Speaker 1: when when uh when is the pocket puss story that was?
Speaker 1: That was past it started, so I get no no
Speaker 1: that Like I was twelve, I found my dad's pocket pussy?
Speaker 1: Did you know? Wait? How what year was this? How
Speaker 1: long did they I know that's the thing. Like, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know where he got the mold
Speaker 1: made and maybe at the dentist. I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think they have. I think they have like progressed a
Speaker 1: lot and they're more mainstream now. But I think they
Speaker 1: always had things that you could put your dick in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it wasn't like there was hair. I remember there was hair.
Speaker 1: There was like because it was at the eighties and
Speaker 1: this was well. I always forget how old you are
Speaker 1: and like what year you were born? I am thirty eight. Okay, okay, um, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just I was in his bathroom and I just
Speaker 1: came across the pocket pussy and I'm just like, and
Speaker 1: it was like wet and sliming for some reason. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because your dad just just loaded. Yeah. I guess I
Speaker 1: should have known they were getting divorced when I found
Speaker 1: this fucking piece of plastic. But yeah, and then I
Speaker 1: was like I wasn't even like, I don't even know
Speaker 1: if I had hair yet, like or it could come
Speaker 1: and I still try, I don't have pussy. Well, how
Speaker 1: did you know it was a pocket pussy? How do
Speaker 1: you know you could stick your dick in it? Uh,
Speaker 1: it's just it's obvious. I don't know. Maybe I saw
Speaker 1: a porn before. I don't know. I might have seen
Speaker 1: a magazine before. Like when you're young, do you like
Speaker 1: try to stick your dick in multiple things? He's like
Speaker 1: trial and error. I would I would stick and everything.
Speaker 1: I'd sunk Jacuzzi jets for a long time with them.
Speaker 1: Just let it just wait. That seems really dangerous. Yeah,
Speaker 1: people drown from that, Like that's the bottom. One of
Speaker 1: the jets are on the side, the bottom did Andrew
Speaker 1: I can kill you? The book and the idea that
Speaker 1: I learned the scooba at a young age, just like
Speaker 1: a funk the bottom of the pool. But no, but
Speaker 1: like my parents had a bathtub with so it was
Speaker 1: a bathtub level jet okay, and those are letting less
Speaker 1: strong than like a full size pool or jacouzi jet Okay.
Speaker 1: Then yeah, I would just think that for an hour,
Speaker 1: I'd be in there and then I'm not coming. No.
Speaker 1: I would do it until it feel good and then
Speaker 1: feel like the most insane, like well like great, and
Speaker 1: then it would burn an itch and then I'd always
Speaker 1: get to the itch and then and then this was
Speaker 1: like every I was addicted, like it was bad. I
Speaker 1: was obsessed with sucking these jets and I was never
Speaker 1: I mean, I was like, but I was getting his feeling.
Speaker 1: That's I think better chasing that. Yeah, you're edging basically,
Speaker 1: and you just didn't know what that was. I guess,
Speaker 1: can you edge before you can come? I guess you're
Speaker 1: just you're you're jumping over to edge but you can't. Yeah. Um.
Speaker 1: But I told my parents that I loved reading, and
Speaker 1: so I would I would go in there with like
Speaker 1: huge books and I was like and my mom was like, oh,
Speaker 1: my god, a little reader, oh like a little Shakespeare. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she's like, oh, I think he's that fucking the jets,
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't know when it came. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know why I stopped. I think we moved maybe, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know. And you just cried alone in your
Speaker 1: room because he missed your girlfriend. That was your first call.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's what I'm searching for. Yeah, Jacuzi jets, Jacuzi
Speaker 1: jets and my dad's pocket pussy. So wait, when you
Speaker 1: suck your dad's pocket pussy? Did you come? Why did
Speaker 1: you first come out? Because I always have a weird
Speaker 1: thing with coming, like I haven't come, I've come weird
Speaker 1: and like restory, like I like every sexual story other
Speaker 1: than like recently, like I've been having pretty normal sex.
Speaker 1: But like if I'm just like having like it's like
Speaker 1: go time, I sunk up, I suck. I'm terrible. But
Speaker 1: so wait, so you kiel the cat. You're bad in bed.
Speaker 1: You can't come to quick, not necessarily not. You're not
Speaker 1: a reader of your ex girlfriends. Is a bathtime jet? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not. That's the one thing. I'm not a reader.
Speaker 1: That's the one thing I don't out, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: normal sex, you said, because it's the fact that you
Speaker 1: even described it as normal sex makes it think me
Speaker 1: think you've never had normal sex. I've never referred to it.
Speaker 1: I saw, Yeah, I just had some normal sex. I
Speaker 1: guess just normal is like I don't know, you do
Speaker 1: three positions and for like fourteen minutes, and when you're
Speaker 1: done position the joke no missionary on top and from behind,
Speaker 1: and then you Yeah, that's pretty much. Do you always
Speaker 1: have to take those three um in his head? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess. I guess it's like projectory. I don't know,
Speaker 1: like that's what I do. Do you start missionary or
Speaker 1: do you have a mind map in your head? Were
Speaker 1: you about the sex to go and then you just
Speaker 1: follow it? Yeah? I just take it. Yeah, I don't really. Uh,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I I give it. I've gotten a
Speaker 1: little more confident later in life. You don't mean you
Speaker 1: are thirty eight. You don't have a ton of time.
Speaker 1: I know, before my dick goes, after I die, you're dead. Yea,
Speaker 1: things are good funny stories is a five sum Yeah,
Speaker 1: so that I mean when you said, as this list,
Speaker 1: I'm like always a stud. No, no, that's what when
Speaker 1: people read made a note that that was definitely not true. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not a stud. Now I'm the opposite. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: I'm a donkey with what that can't get hard. Yeah
Speaker 1: it's bad. Yeah, but I think you just see maybe
Speaker 1: like lie a little bit more about your good qualities
Speaker 1: because like you're good looking, so like you are really
Speaker 1: sucking it up. So you really are because you're very handsome.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you very much. Yeah. Yeah, a cute
Speaker 1: little list. It's so yeah, I know it's all and
Speaker 1: you're charming. You're charming in conversation, being self deprecating. I
Speaker 1: lean on that a little bit. And I know there's
Speaker 1: a line, there's a max, there's a line. I wanted
Speaker 1: people to like me, so I opened up more about Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure, I've gotten that way too much. Like you
Speaker 1: tell when you first day, I'll be like, I got
Speaker 1: arrested for speeding on a jet skin and manate zone
Speaker 1: and they'll be like what, and then she'll be like
Speaker 1: and then I'll be like, yeah, my mom's sick from amphonsyma.
Speaker 1: So anyways, Calmar, you know, we were outside and I
Speaker 1: and I was smoking a cigarette because and he came
Speaker 1: up like twenty minutes early, and he's like, my mom
Speaker 1: used to smoke. She has emphasema. She sucked up to
Speaker 1: an oxygen uschin and I'm like, shut up, well you
Speaker 1: are very single podcast twenty minutes. Yeah, I don't really
Speaker 1: have much going on. So wait, there's five some Yeah,
Speaker 1: did that happen? That happened. That happened, so and it's
Speaker 1: really an orgy at that point. Did anyone else to
Speaker 1: know you were there? Yeah? Yes, I think I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm looking back, you know. So it was me Marvin,
Speaker 1: and it was how old are you set the scene?
Speaker 1: I'm twenty four and it's me and a buddy who's
Speaker 1: awesome my age, and then three girls. And the girls
Speaker 1: are twenty and they might be nineteen, so I don't know.
Speaker 1: They were young. They were legally adults. They were legal.
Speaker 1: It was it was all legal. This was the thing though,
Speaker 1: And this is a lot of people don't like when
Speaker 1: I tell this part of the story, But this is
Speaker 1: what was going You see that before every story. Yes,
Speaker 1: but I don't know why I kept it. You don't
Speaker 1: have to say that. I should probably make a new list.
Speaker 1: A lot of people hate this story. Album. A lot
Speaker 1: of people hate this story. It's ten stories because people
Speaker 1: hate they're like this one bad. No, wait till every
Speaker 1: story like this one really at your room. I can't
Speaker 1: get worse than the cat. You have no idea. Um,
Speaker 1: so I wait till I tell you that's what I did.
Speaker 1: I have another one that's pretty about it. Okay, So
Speaker 1: I have I met these This is the thing. And
Speaker 1: I knew that I knew these girls when when they
Speaker 1: were like ten and I was like fifteen, helping yourself.
Speaker 1: This is the thing though, you could tell when people
Speaker 1: are going to be hot, you know, well, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1: But my friend, yeah, I said that way to come,
Speaker 1: but you can't tell my friend it was his younger sisters,
Speaker 1: so like it was like her younger sister friends. So
Speaker 1: like in my head I saw them young, like I
Speaker 1: don't know, I was like funked up in the head.
Speaker 1: And I didn't sunk that much at that point. At
Speaker 1: that point. Now I'm twenty. No, at that point I
Speaker 1: was you'd watch them grow boobies and stuff. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 1: like bross chia pet you watched them come in And
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do it at eighteen because that's weird.
Speaker 1: But one more year, no one would know. Ye don't care,
Speaker 1: so we so my buddy set it all up and
Speaker 1: he didn't know them then, so this is his dream.
Speaker 1: Like he was already hooking up with one of them,
Speaker 1: but like he was ready to go. And I'm like
Speaker 1: drinking like two bud lights, like, oh my god. And
Speaker 1: when we meet at my dad's house was a very
Speaker 1: pre planned five some yeah. Yeah. And then we're in
Speaker 1: We're in my little brother's bedroom and he has like
Speaker 1: NASCAR pictures all over the wall, so it's really setting. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I guess that was. Yeah, we actually
Speaker 1: had another room, but I don't know. My dad's house
Speaker 1: pretty nice, so so I mentioned he's on colleges. So
Speaker 1: the thing is the official title. So we're in the
Speaker 1: room and uh, we started hooking up. I hook up
Speaker 1: with I'm hooking up with one on the bed and
Speaker 1: I'm kissing her and I'm like name, look up with
Speaker 1: the one. Yeah, Kelly. So I'm kissing her and then
Speaker 1: I was like I realize, ye, but no, the guy,
Speaker 1: I mean, there's but the guy's name is Kelly Um
Speaker 1: and he wont one actually a boy named Kelly Um.
Speaker 1: About the name Kelly. So I realized I'm not getting hard,
Speaker 1: but I'm kissing her. But I go down on her
Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh, maybe this, you know, I'll do something. Um,
Speaker 1: I looked down. I'll do something. So I looked down
Speaker 1: on the floor and Kelly has one on his face
Speaker 1: and one riding on them and and they're both going, oh, Kelly, Oh, Kelly,
Speaker 1: like he's having the dream, like this is his dream,
Speaker 1: and he's giving me a thumbs up, like Bob, like
Speaker 1: Bob Dole. Like all I see is like one girl's
Speaker 1: riding his dick, another girl's writing his face, and he's
Speaker 1: giving you a thumbs up, and he's giving me a
Speaker 1: thumbs up. Kelly. Kelly's this is his dream. He's this
Speaker 1: is every guy's dream. He's living it. I realize I
Speaker 1: can't get hard. I'm very like. She goes down at me.
Speaker 1: I'm very embarrassed, and I'm like, you know what, I'll
Speaker 1: just go to the bathroom and i'll your things out
Speaker 1: and then i'll take a time out. You know, I'll
Speaker 1: take a little t o and my dad pocket bussy
Speaker 1: and then I'll suck the jets and then I'll cry
Speaker 1: out a cat. So I, oh, my god, So, uh,
Speaker 1: I go. Before I even get in the bathroom, the
Speaker 1: girl sits on Kelly's hand, so he has one on
Speaker 1: his like a teacup, like a little teacup, and he's
Speaker 1: got one on his hand, one on his face, one
Speaker 1: riding on him and they're just rotating. And I'm going
Speaker 1: in the bathroom by myself. He's a little hygienic. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's true. So I'm in the bathroom and from your mom,
Speaker 1: Kelly had all the luck in the world. So I'm
Speaker 1: in the bathroom and I'm like, oh my god, just
Speaker 1: just get your ship together. Come on, just step up,
Speaker 1: like step it up. You know you can do this,
Speaker 1: Like this is your like come on. And I'm looking
Speaker 1: in the mirror and I'm like giving myself like a
Speaker 1: like a pet, like a coach, like you know, like
Speaker 1: come on, you got this broom. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: be too loud, but I'm just like, secret, come on, brot,
Speaker 1: and I start masturbating. I'm like, I'm just gonna get
Speaker 1: hard in here and come in the guns blazing cod
Speaker 1: blazon whatever. And uh that's when it happened. I came.
Speaker 1: I when you entered the room where you came in
Speaker 1: the bathroom, in the bathroom in my own hand, and
Speaker 1: I wasn't even hard. Dude, I don't know. I don't
Speaker 1: know how that is God saying, let's with Andrew forever, Dick,
Speaker 1: putting you out of your own misery. So I didn't
Speaker 1: even go back in the room. I went through there.
Speaker 1: I jumped out the window. I killed myself. I should
Speaker 1: have went back in and throwing it or done anything
Speaker 1: like done something. Get a deviled egg, give the towel,
Speaker 1: do something. Give the women some water, perhaps they would
Speaker 1: be hydrated. Honestly, Okay. I came and I really needed water.
Speaker 1: He was working hard. Well, I go downstairs and I'm
Speaker 1: watching Sports Center like sad hot pocket, like just sad whatever.
Speaker 1: Maybe you know, my dad's a cancer doctor, so maybe
Speaker 1: it was. And Kelly come down literally an hour later,
Speaker 1: like sweat, damn. Kelly just killed it, just killed it.
Speaker 1: And he's like, what the fun? Where were you? Where
Speaker 1: were you wrote it was my dream? And I was
Speaker 1: like I didn't. I was like, do you have a
Speaker 1: different accent? He carry you have like a talent Daga
Speaker 1: Nights accent. Story, So then I I don't know. I
Speaker 1: just go how I got mine, and he's like, what
Speaker 1: do you mean. I was like, oh, I was like,
Speaker 1: I came. I came by myself in the back. I
Speaker 1: told him I didn't know that that I told him.
Speaker 1: I just told Himes. Wait, I mean look what I
Speaker 1: just did. Yeah, I would never suggest this to a
Speaker 1: man looking for a mate. But we're gonna need you
Speaker 1: to cut back on the honesty. I don't think I've
Speaker 1: ever really said that and meant it to a person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but we're really didn't need to cut back what I
Speaker 1: think I've been. It's been so long since I've been
Speaker 1: in a relationship again. To honest, I think people have preached.
Speaker 1: I think there is a get there that's probably like
Speaker 1: into it, you know, maybe one no, but like I think, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: she's missing teeth and probably doesn't have a phone to
Speaker 1: listen to this, but she'll get this whole writer a letter.
Speaker 1: A crow will like shoot her, a crow will shoot
Speaker 1: on her, and she'll be like, I think there's a
Speaker 1: pathetic man in New York. I gotta go out there.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Hey, you'd be surprised a lot of
Speaker 1: ladies listen to this. They might be get they might
Speaker 1: be getting horny right now. It's surprising how many, like
Speaker 1: how many terrible things we've gotten out of people, and
Speaker 1: women will still suck them for real. I mean I
Speaker 1: sucked some guys that you know, wow, but it's something.
Speaker 1: I think. It's something hot about a guy that's like
Speaker 1: keeps everything really close. You keep changing the art in
Speaker 1: your apartment, and I get and I get, I get
Speaker 1: distracted giant the recording because I was like, oh, that
Speaker 1: wasn't the last I did change all those Yeah, but
Speaker 1: there's something like a guy that's like quiet and like
Speaker 1: close to the vase and or is that a work
Speaker 1: close to the vast And that's something I think, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a saying yea more than But there's something about
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know what it means, but it's
Speaker 1: a saying. But there's something about like a guy that's
Speaker 1: like private and stuff and then he like he was
Speaker 1: seriously opened up to me, like like there's something hot.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's the problems, like I gotta hold something in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I think like they're like, it's not it's like hot,
Speaker 1: like if someone tells you like about their molestation as
Speaker 1: a child less hot if they like you're like I
Speaker 1: sucked a jet because it's like you've been through something terrible,
Speaker 1: dramatic and pat you come through it, and women like
Speaker 1: like like when you could like when men can find
Speaker 1: something in them, but like not something like weird. I
Speaker 1: gotta say though, Andrew, I'm I'm also very honest with
Speaker 1: guys sometimes and it's like, oh, I should said that.
Speaker 1: I word vomit a lot, do you think because we're
Speaker 1: removed from I think I'm like very removed from like
Speaker 1: every day like talk like you know, you're here talking
Speaker 1: like people in the office and they're just like they
Speaker 1: don't bring up coming by myself. But I know that's extreme.
Speaker 1: I know that's extreme me. I'm not like telling people
Speaker 1: like I just picked my ass out. I'll just like
Speaker 1: say funk too much, you know, Like that's not that's
Speaker 1: how coworkers don't bond as closely as you think they do.
Speaker 1: But comedians do share a lot of really intimate things.
Speaker 1: And podcasting and you have a podcast, you have you
Speaker 1: have a couple of podcasts, right, you're on podcast so
Speaker 1: you're you know, I feel like it's easy to overshare
Speaker 1: a lot. I get it. I get it. And if
Speaker 1: you're just an overshared naturally watch out, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, So I should undershare mysterious. You know. Just
Speaker 1: just always remember if you think something is normal to
Speaker 1: say it probably is. I mean, this can never be undone.
Speaker 1: But that's okay, that's like this is like the base,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Make sure you take out
Speaker 1: the reading thing. But yeah, I just yeah, I feel
Speaker 1: like on dates two, like I'm very honest about like
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling, like anxiety wise and emotion like I
Speaker 1: come off like how, So give me an example, like
Speaker 1: something you would say, like just sat down. I'm on
Speaker 1: a day. My anxiety is insanely high. I'm very tired
Speaker 1: because no, just like from doing it all day and
Speaker 1: like whatever walking around like dog walking, I'm like doing
Speaker 1: ten miles. I preci't telling your anxiety is high from
Speaker 1: the dog walking. Just I'm tired and I'm just tired.
Speaker 1: You're tired, shouldn't your anxiety? No, because I get anxiety
Speaker 1: like in like crowds and like seeing that restaurants, So
Speaker 1: just go to a more spacious restaurant. I'm getting better
Speaker 1: at it. Okay, Yeah, I think I don't know, so
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'll like all like a dress exactly
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling. And I think when you first sit
Speaker 1: down at the table or like Amanda, oh man, I
Speaker 1: just how are you today? How's your day? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel tired and I'm just I don't know. Yah,
Speaker 1: are you working hard? I already dried up? Right, I
Speaker 1: don't know what I'm doing. You don't want to be there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I do want to be there. I I know,
Speaker 1: I got just lie for a little and it's not
Speaker 1: a big lie. You just and then you just keep
Speaker 1: some things. But also you can cherry pick, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: so someone says how are you doing? There's probably multiple
Speaker 1: descriptive words that you have for how you're doing, so
Speaker 1: cherry pick the good ones. Yeah I'm tired isn't going
Speaker 1: to be one of them? Yeah, Like, you know, what
Speaker 1: do you do in your day to day life? Like,
Speaker 1: you know you work out, right, You're posting naked photos
Speaker 1: yourself on your Instagram and you're very good looking fit guy,
Speaker 1: So you could be tired from working out if you're
Speaker 1: that time, you know what I mean. That's even where
Speaker 1: if someone was like, I'm tired from lifting that I've
Speaker 1: been doing dead lists. All dead lifts are really hard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm tired from all the charity work. I just it's
Speaker 1: helping sisters. All those turkeys. I carried all those turkeys.
Speaker 1: I threw Adam a van. I don't know something not Yeah,
Speaker 1: like else do you talk about on dates? Like what?
Speaker 1: I don't go on that many dates. Believe it or
Speaker 1: not to believe it. I do. I'm putting myself out
Speaker 1: there to lately since therapy, I like, so I don't know,
Speaker 1: like i've I've I've gone into dating apps and like
Speaker 1: I'm I'm putting my like okay, so dating apps, I
Speaker 1: would think you would get a lot of dates because
Speaker 1: you're very handsome. I get a ton of matching right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: your profile, I would like to see it right now,
Speaker 1: Like my profile slid. I think my profile shows a
Speaker 1: very non tired professional man and then they meet me
Speaker 1: and I know, because some guys really don't understand how
Speaker 1: they come off. I've been I am on a dating app.
Speaker 1: It's called Riya, and it's really fascinating to me. Some
Speaker 1: guys the pictures are blurry or they're wearing sunglasses and
Speaker 1: all the photos I'm like, come on, you don't look
Speaker 1: back through it after you make your profile, and you go, oh,
Speaker 1: how would a lady look at me? You know, sectually
Speaker 1: has made me like people less. It doesn't get a
Speaker 1: lot of information. Ryat guys are like there's like hookers
Speaker 1: on there hookers, no girlhookers, damn it. And I don't
Speaker 1: know how to do my profile on here, like how
Speaker 1: to go to it? I know I like hingched. Okay,
Speaker 1: so that's Andrew. I've never been unhinged. But I want
Speaker 1: to see. That's a good photo. Yeah, you're handsome that
Speaker 1: the photograph is not the problem. It's what you wrote.
Speaker 1: I want to see what you wrote because I'm nervous.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't I don't think. Okay, rank these
Speaker 1: three shows? Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, mad Ben. I
Speaker 1: like how you're almost going into my voice? Wait, what
Speaker 1: is that is? Does that mean three? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just picked that one. That's a boring question. There's
Speaker 1: there's better questions. Alright, great photo, great photo about you?
Speaker 1: Five Are you five nights on yourself? I mean five nine?
Speaker 1: And has a good hia absolutely fives. Everyone's lying, everyone's lying.
Speaker 1: I mean I would write six foot everyone's lying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: definitely changed out to five ten. That's the first suggestion
Speaker 1: there's a picture see, but I don't know if Olivia
Speaker 1: mun being in a picture with you, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's around hot rolls all time. No, I think it's
Speaker 1: okay if there's one. When people have multiple pictures with
Speaker 1: hot babies, it's like it looks desperate to me. But
Speaker 1: I think one is cool. And also you're comedian and
Speaker 1: like pure, so that's cool. Oh oh my god, alright,
Speaker 1: you look like Robin Williams in that one. This picture
Speaker 1: is not the best of you. We got to take
Speaker 1: that out. It is fun and these are some of
Speaker 1: the best directors. But I love to plus brothers. Yeah.
Speaker 1: We joked that I was the third like like handicap. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: see that's what you kind of look like in this photo.
Speaker 1: That's why. That's what side. Okay point My point out
Speaker 1: of that picture though, is to be like, Okay, you're
Speaker 1: defending the picture too hard. But I think I think
Speaker 1: you're But also you have but I don't like the
Speaker 1: back to back celebrity photo, yeah, because it's a little
Speaker 1: name dropping, because the gal celebrities are way more recognizable
Speaker 1: than the male celebrities. So like I would just think
Speaker 1: these were two guys from Williamsburg. If I didn't know
Speaker 1: any better, and then okay, another questions, I'll know I
Speaker 1: found the one when we can sit in silence and
Speaker 1: know that we don't have to impress each other. Andrew
Speaker 1: and not good. This is not good, that creative. I
Speaker 1: just want someone who I won't talk to and they
Speaker 1: won't want to talk to me. I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: fart in someone's face that I want someone like that.
Speaker 1: That's how people that. That's terrible. But you cut it,
Speaker 1: you cut it, but you gotta you gotta Loreman. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're funny, you're comedian. Your wordsmith not really a word.
Speaker 1: Let's just recap. We can sit in silence and know
Speaker 1: that we don't have to impress each other. I want
Speaker 1: to kill myself best talking. I want to talk. No no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no no no no no no no no.
Speaker 1: I hate talking. The number one complain to every relationship
Speaker 1: I'm in is you don't talk enough. I have to
Speaker 1: talk now because it's a podcast. Unfortunately. Yeah, I've literally
Speaker 1: gotten complaints that I don't talk enough on the podcast talk.
Speaker 1: I really need to talk. So but what about that?
Speaker 1: Why do you want that? You want to sit in side? Like?
Speaker 1: What are you trying to say. What I'm trying to
Speaker 1: say is that I don't no, no, I want to know.
Speaker 1: What I'm trying to say is that you get I
Speaker 1: feel like I constantly sell myself and it's projecting probably
Speaker 1: on the well, that is what a dating app is,
Speaker 1: selling yourself and for your career, you sell yourself. I
Speaker 1: understand that could be and I tell myself, dude, like
Speaker 1: it takes me like four months to feel okay with
Speaker 1: who I am with that person, so then I feel
Speaker 1: like they won't leave me. That's what you should say.
Speaker 1: I know that sounds sad, but it's just again, that's
Speaker 1: like something that you just locked deep inside. Lock it
Speaker 1: deep inside. I don't even think you should have answered this.
Speaker 1: I mean, well, that's just I'll know I found the
Speaker 1: one when it is just a question, what what's like
Speaker 1: your B? What's your B? Answer to this? What was
Speaker 1: the what was your second? I know I found the
Speaker 1: one when come alone in the bathroom and she's cool,
Speaker 1: trying to be funny. I know, I'm listen, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to find it. Uh um, Okay, I know I found
Speaker 1: the one. So much of it is that she'll love
Speaker 1: me for when I stopped thinking about my parents divorced.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's yeah, see that's more funny. That's hilarious. That's
Speaker 1: very obviously a joke, is it. I thought you were
Speaker 1: laughing because I was like, I mean, it's but that's
Speaker 1: the truth. But a lot of people's parents have gotten divorced,
Speaker 1: and that's a funny thing that a lot of people
Speaker 1: can relate to. So the odds are you all tract
Speaker 1: another girl with divorced parents, which honestly might be best
Speaker 1: for both of you. All right, So yeah, because I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to do a recap of the
Speaker 1: fixes you need to make, and then I want you
Speaker 1: to report back and see if, like you get more swipes,
Speaker 1: probably because the pictures, I mean the pictures, well that
Speaker 1: one ain't do so that the do plus brother photo
Speaker 1: you just let you're like my special like you know,
Speaker 1: like that's what I'm going for. Stop it and you're
Speaker 1: gonna see it's a different kind of You're going to
Speaker 1: change this this this fucking fart in the face. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, I found the one. Okay, I think you
Speaker 1: should answer another question that's like fun. You have options
Speaker 1: with questions. You have to people like my first date
Speaker 1: joke kind of thing. My jokey uh, what's your joke
Speaker 1: is that you have gotten to it yet? Okay? Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Okay. So you have a picture of you
Speaker 1: and a dog. There has to be one otherwise it's
Speaker 1: not a dating profile on the phone. Oh, I know,
Speaker 1: it's so true. Everyone on Ryan has dogs. I mean
Speaker 1: this is a you could have picked a bigger dog.
Speaker 1: So okay, so we think you can handle things. Ideal date,
Speaker 1: ideal date, your ideal first date. Excuse me your answer?
Speaker 1: It's something simple, good convo than skydiving? Did land Andrew? Well?
Speaker 1: How you you are? Very funny? But maybe reading it,
Speaker 1: maybe I didn't you well, maybe you just want above
Speaker 1: your your dumbheads. Maybe that's what happened. You should just
Speaker 1: write maybe you're a dumbass on here? Okay, okay. And
Speaker 1: then it's a you in front of an old classic
Speaker 1: nineteen fifties four truck looking out into the distance with
Speaker 1: a beer in your hand, or is a little croix
Speaker 1: you look like, hunched over, as if you're jerking off.
Speaker 1: That's my stance. I don't mind it, I don't hate it.
Speaker 1: It's okay. It's like a man in the woods. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's it. Yeah, that's it. Okay, Well, yeah, you need
Speaker 1: a lot more content, Okay, I'm not. I'm honestly, I'm not.
Speaker 1: Like I just made a joke about but I was
Speaker 1: being serious that, like I wrote, like fun plans this weekend.
Speaker 1: Like when it comes to like the online day, I'm
Speaker 1: I'm way more creative when i'm talking to like communicating
Speaker 1: with someone online. See, I can't, like, are you saying
Speaker 1: communicating in real life and real life and I'm very
Speaker 1: good responding if you type me, text me something. I'm
Speaker 1: creative off of that. But when it's just I can't
Speaker 1: think of anything. I can't think that. And I've tried.
Speaker 1: I tried to message people. I can't. I go, I go,
Speaker 1: how's your dot dot dot life? I suck at this? Sorry,
Speaker 1: that's what I say. Hey, you want to give us
Speaker 1: seven a chance? Is what you do? Yeah? I just
Speaker 1: got contact really hot eyes, and I go, hey, in
Speaker 1: the mood for a seven? How about a funny lady? Right?
Speaker 1: Are you sick of dating models? Yeah? That's whatever. No
Speaker 1: ever likes me back. That's what I'm going to say.
Speaker 1: What I write I wrote recently because I copied and
Speaker 1: pasted someone else. But they go, I've done that. They go, uh,
Speaker 1: what's what's the last Spotify song you listen to? Which
Speaker 1: kind of gives that opens up the door to like, yeah,
Speaker 1: but then I would like that I don't have to
Speaker 1: overthink it and lie because probably it was probably an
Speaker 1: embarrassing I need to just get to the date faster,
Speaker 1: that's all. Well, that's what. Well, that's that's why I
Speaker 1: never know what to say, because I agree. I want
Speaker 1: to just be like, hey, let's go get a drink
Speaker 1: at a couple of coffee or something. I'm outside your house,
Speaker 1: right the girl this girl road the other day, she goes,
Speaker 1: I feel the first date like the first line she goes,
Speaker 1: I feel the first date on like that was her
Speaker 1: first time, and I was like something like that, like
Speaker 1: like she's ready, like first day coming on? I think,
Speaker 1: did you like that I did? What some opening lines
Speaker 1: that girls have sent you that you didn't like? Um,
Speaker 1: I really don't know. They can't you can't read I
Speaker 1: can't read that well either. Busying the cover, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know, man, it's gonna have I feel. I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm putting myself out there more though. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: well you even know all your look four. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: So what do you always find? Is it bad to beard?
Speaker 1: Mean to me? I mean mine is likes me back. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's yeah, that's pretty much. I guess there's a lot
Speaker 1: of those tattooed beards. Ryan. Yeah, there's so many of
Speaker 1: those that everything I just went on because I was
Speaker 1: dying to know what other celebrities were there. There's a
Speaker 1: lot that I find them. There's a lot. Honestly, every
Speaker 1: time I got invited to Ryan and then the email
Speaker 1: never came to me and it was like three day
Speaker 1: and it was time like that. No, I'll recommend you
Speaker 1: if you need a recommendation, sure, but I've been recommended.
Speaker 1: And then you just have to tap on your friends
Speaker 1: to okay you and we have to do is say
Speaker 1: they because I've done it before for people. They go
Speaker 1: do you know this person? And I just go yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's it. Out the league too is something I
Speaker 1: checked on all these other people's instagrams, and I have
Speaker 1: more followers than any of these fucking turds on there.
Speaker 1: Always always I don't even have any follower. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Well, some of them aren't famous, but some
Speaker 1: of are. But the ones that aren't. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: want to date a famous person. That sounds terrible. Oh,
Speaker 1: I just say yes to anyone who's famous, just because
Speaker 1: I'm dying for a story. I don't tell anybody guys
Speaker 1: famous person. No, I have a rule against it because
Speaker 1: I don't want them to. They've already gotten so much
Speaker 1: in life. I don't want them to get anymore. But
Speaker 1: you know, well, what if a guy and said that
Speaker 1: to you, like she's already gotten her fame. No one
Speaker 1: would ever say that to a female comedian. I get that.
Speaker 1: All one's ever like that female comedian has ever she
Speaker 1: needs to get off her pets, get famous person. No,
Speaker 1: but I've had some funny stories with famous people. But
Speaker 1: I mean, but he's like, I've never a famous person
Speaker 1: a movie. So next to one to live you am?
Speaker 1: She's very pretty? It smells great. Why do you have
Speaker 1: any famous people's stories like hook up stories? No good leading?
Speaker 1: Yeah that was pretty bad. That was that wasn't good.
Speaker 1: I sucked that up too. You know you didn't bring
Speaker 1: me on here to do good things. That's very true. Wait,
Speaker 1: what the league is the other day I'm writing this down.
Speaker 1: It's a dating app. Yeah, it's another dating are one
Speaker 1: that was told John, what is it John? What are
Speaker 1: you saying? Little John? What say you said? Little John?
Speaker 1: It's little little rapper? Yeah, okay, little John? What do
Speaker 1: you say? Little till John? It makes him to seem
Speaker 1: like he's like a roll off. Oh I thought it
Speaker 1: was always little with short for little. It is, but
Speaker 1: you don't say little in spite of showing my age, no,
Speaker 1: because he's like my age. Who knows what's happening? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: what do you want in a woman? I just want um.
Speaker 1: I don't know, man, that's I'm getting there. Oh that's good. Okay.
Speaker 1: I think you should for a long time. You should
Speaker 1: like yourself before and I'm getting there. That's good through therapy. Well,
Speaker 1: it's good. You've had thirty eight years, so that's really
Speaker 1: like that reinforces for a girlfriend. He's had a lot
Speaker 1: of practice. What what what? What don't you like about yourself?
Speaker 1: Or like, what were the things that you had trouble
Speaker 1: getting over? Um? I don't know. I felt like that
Speaker 1: I was in a ton of debt and I still am.
Speaker 1: And I think that's stress and like and I was,
Speaker 1: you know, I always value like because coming from a dad,
Speaker 1: that's an oncologist and my brother is extremely successful, and
Speaker 1: I think that's where my a lot of my confidence
Speaker 1: came from, you know, like from how much money I
Speaker 1: had or how much how well I was doing right.
Speaker 1: But I mean, like I'm much rather dated like a
Speaker 1: comedian than inn on colleges because that's boring us. Fuck yeah,
Speaker 1: well that's nice to hear, but you're not, like yeah,
Speaker 1: but I think a lot of people think their way.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think there are definitely people who would
Speaker 1: rather like a voice in your head and in my
Speaker 1: head that a woman is like, oh you're a dogwalker.
Speaker 1: You may fucking whatever a year, like you can't take
Speaker 1: me to travel. I don't know that's wrong, but dude,
Speaker 1: you read these dating apps. To dude, if you go
Speaker 1: on Hinge, how many girls are like I just want
Speaker 1: to get to the airport and I don't care where
Speaker 1: I'm going. I don't even know where we're going. What
Speaker 1: so many women talk about traveling, like traveling basic. I
Speaker 1: love because like I used to go through James Is,
Speaker 1: like he showed me his old dating profiles and like
Speaker 1: I love them because it's like you really find out
Speaker 1: how interesting you are based on how boring people wait
Speaker 1: they say this other dating profile that they just want
Speaker 1: like a guy to take them to travel and not
Speaker 1: say where it is or something. Yeah, they just want
Speaker 1: to travel, like traveling is important to them, wine like whatever. Like,
Speaker 1: but you see these things and it's like it's not
Speaker 1: like I'm like making the ship up of like like
Speaker 1: what a woman like I would like. They want security.
Speaker 1: You can't offer that, so then you feel less the
Speaker 1: I was on Hinge and we talked about this on
Speaker 1: podcast a couple of weeks ago because and I what
Speaker 1: kind of shitty for being honest about it. But I've
Speaker 1: been thinking about a lot lately. This one guy on
Speaker 1: HINDI was so hot and then I looked in and
Speaker 1: said he looked worked at Trader Joe's. And I was like, oh, man, no.
Speaker 1: But then I thought about it. I'm like, know what
Speaker 1: I want in a guy. I don't give up. I
Speaker 1: really truly don't give a first successful. You're independently successful, yes,
Speaker 1: but I don't. I want somebody to just be happy
Speaker 1: with where they're at. That's all. That's all. If you
Speaker 1: if you are amped about that and you fucking show
Speaker 1: up to work with a great attitude and you work hard,
Speaker 1: that is a quality that's so rare. That's what I want.
Speaker 1: So I mean I was being judging as fuck, but
Speaker 1: like you know, if you're what matters is if the
Speaker 1: person likes themselves and if they're not constantly complaining. Because
Speaker 1: I came out of a relationship where someone was constantly
Speaker 1: hating where they were and bitching about it. So that's
Speaker 1: it's like a personal twitch for me. But someone who
Speaker 1: likes himself is almost impossibly Yeah, that's my number one
Speaker 1: thing personal to myself that not everybody wants to speed
Speaker 1: it up because that's a thing, like like it's it's
Speaker 1: so it is so hard to find someone who likes
Speaker 1: hi stuff. And like then people trick you with like
Speaker 1: false confidence and like so it's actually refreshing to be
Speaker 1: outwardly not confident. Well you know, I think you have
Speaker 1: a great charm to frustrating and you do seem like
Speaker 1: you like yourself, you know, at least I try. I know,
Speaker 1: but I like it's day to day with me and
Speaker 1: like I can't control my brain, like you know, I can.
Speaker 1: I could do a show for hundreds of people in
Speaker 1: crush and like that's fake. Oh agreed, but I was,
Speaker 1: I was living but that was my life for for
Speaker 1: ever since I made a lot of money in real
Speaker 1: estate one deal, and like yeah, and so like I
Speaker 1: had like this, like I never worked on myself. I
Speaker 1: had horrible anxiety, horrible depression, and so like then I
Speaker 1: made this money and I was like, oh, I don't
Speaker 1: need to work on myself. I got money. And then
Speaker 1: I lost everything, all the money, and then I had
Speaker 1: no skill set because he spent it. I spent it well,
Speaker 1: I bought it. I bought a condo, but that like daring.
Speaker 1: You just make two fifty dollars, that's what time, then
Speaker 1: another and then another seven. But here's the thing. But
Speaker 1: that's a lot of money. Here's the thing when you're
Speaker 1: twenty four. And I also had like another million like
Speaker 1: coming to me. But then the market crash, so like
Speaker 1: like shit, but whatever, like I know people are like
Speaker 1: criming or whatever. It's just terrible. That sucks, so like whatever,
Speaker 1: So I valued that I made this money and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh this is where the and then I
Speaker 1: got in all this debt to the I R S
Speaker 1: and ship and like and then and so like I
Speaker 1: was like I don't take your they don't take taxes
Speaker 1: out of your commission checks for real estate that fus
Speaker 1: people and I didn't. I paid like half and then like, I,
Speaker 1: uh so I'm in all this debt and then I
Speaker 1: didn't look. So here's the thing. If I manxious about something,
Speaker 1: I don't look into it to like figure it out.
Speaker 1: I'll just avoid it with everything. I hear you, I
Speaker 1: avoid it until it gets horrible. Like I've done that
Speaker 1: with multiple things. I did it with my with my debt,
Speaker 1: with my scabies, everything avoiding. No, I do that to
Speaker 1: have a cancer. I used to joke about, like um
Speaker 1: when after college in my student law, I couldn't okay,
Speaker 1: I couldn't pay the bill. So I just I pretended
Speaker 1: the bills didn't exist, and I put them in the
Speaker 1: floor on the bottom of my closet, and I like,
Speaker 1: fucked myself really bad. And I just got a proof
Speaker 1: for a credit card with a fore drallar limit because
Speaker 1: that's how bad I fucked myself. Dude, literally, I just
Speaker 1: I I was avoiding, right, this is the truth. So
Speaker 1: I had this uh bill from the hospital I went
Speaker 1: to hospital I had. I don't have a good asshole.
Speaker 1: We should talk about that too. Why don't we just
Speaker 1: keep triple triple down so I want to end with that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so oh well, I I actually when I was thirty,
Speaker 1: I was having like butt problems and I went to
Speaker 1: doctor and I actually had five polyps like cancers, like
Speaker 1: pre cancers whatever. Just look at that, well he did,
Speaker 1: but he just looked on the other side. He was like,
Speaker 1: let's look past that, let's look go deeper. And now
Speaker 1: I'm yeah, it's horrible. Um no, So like um whatever.
Speaker 1: So I had so I have to get a colonoscopy
Speaker 1: like every couple of years. Yeah, yeah, And I actually
Speaker 1: I went to Jewish doctor is so funny. He he
Speaker 1: he was a medicaid doctor and uh. He was like
Speaker 1: this old Jewish guy and I told him I was
Speaker 1: a comic, which you should never do. And he's like yeah,
Speaker 1: he's like, so what's going on down there? And he's
Speaker 1: like eighty years old and like he was using yeah,
Speaker 1: and then then he's like, I had five tubler polyps
Speaker 1: and he's like, oh, that's nothing. I've seen warriors, I've
Speaker 1: seen gerbils up there. And I was like, what this
Speaker 1: is true? And he goes he goes on you know,
Speaker 1: it's New York and I was like, that's not my
Speaker 1: New York. That's not that's not not my New York,
Speaker 1: New York for New York. Yeah, oh my god. So
Speaker 1: then he goes, uh, he goes, I swear, he goes,
Speaker 1: I go, why are you doing? I was like, you're
Speaker 1: so you know you're older, and we're like we were talking.
Speaker 1: He's like, look, I'm sixty five years old. I do
Speaker 1: this for funholes for fun. Like this is like direction.
Speaker 1: I mean, sure we both did, but um. So then
Speaker 1: he goes he I was like, what about your golf game?
Speaker 1: Like I can't swing a golf club. This is way better.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my god, I gotta get
Speaker 1: out of here, like I wanted to leave. And then
Speaker 1: a woman comes into the console room. Wow, you're getting
Speaker 1: your butt hole checked not checked yet. We're just talking.
Speaker 1: We're the console and he goes, Andrew, this is my sister, Sarah, Sarah,
Speaker 1: this is Andrew. He's a he's a stand up comedian.
Speaker 1: And then she I swear to God, this is true.
Speaker 1: She's like my daughter. She does stuff at the U
Speaker 1: c B. And then she pulls out her phone. I
Speaker 1: swear to God, and she starts showing me video of
Speaker 1: her real and it was she was good she was good, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: then that's how I met my wife. So this is
Speaker 1: what I'm looking for. And so no, so she shows
Speaker 1: me this, I'm like, what the fuck is going? Like
Speaker 1: I had that moment, but part of me like found
Speaker 1: it like relaxing too, because it was so absurd, like
Speaker 1: I've kind of forgot about my asshole. But then the guy,
Speaker 1: the doctor goes, Andrew you ever hear this joke before?
Speaker 1: And he and he pushes out his cheeks and he
Speaker 1: goes like his mouth she and he goes, he goes,
Speaker 1: so he goes, he goes, this is a Jewish sperm
Speaker 1: bank and uh he goes, and he goes, you get it.
Speaker 1: He goes, Jews don't swallow, and then going he was Jewish,
Speaker 1: he was Jewish? Okay. His sister goes, what are you
Speaker 1: doing saying Jews don't swallow? And she goes in front
Speaker 1: of his sisters happening and I'm losing my mind. And
Speaker 1: then he goes. She goes, well, maybe it's your wife
Speaker 1: that doesn't swallow, and he goes, I don't know, she
Speaker 1: hasn't blown me for forty years. Like they're having there
Speaker 1: on this whole conversation and then he looks at me
Speaker 1: and he goes, you think juice wall. I'm like, yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: but what about my asshole? And then I swear to God,
Speaker 1: this is what about my asshole? Is the type? So
Speaker 1: then he goes, I swear to God. He goes to me,
Speaker 1: he goes, oh, by the way, we can't take your insurance.
Speaker 1: Where are my life? So then this doesn't you would
Speaker 1: think the story would end there like the like. And
Speaker 1: then he goes, you could go down the hall and
Speaker 1: they're another doctor that could take your insurance. And I
Speaker 1: was like, why did we go through an hour don tickles,
Speaker 1: don tickles my asshole? This was horrible. So then I
Speaker 1: was like, what am I doing? And then I go
Speaker 1: down the hall and it's it's an Arab doctor and
Speaker 1: he's young, and it's just like a bad joke. Dude,
Speaker 1: it is a bad joke, but it's just so there's
Speaker 1: a line palaced. So I go here and he goes.
Speaker 1: He's very stern and he goes, he goes, how old
Speaker 1: are you? And I was like thirty four and he's like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing here? I was like, I had
Speaker 1: five tubular polyps and he goes, it's not the worst.
Speaker 1: When the doctor is disgusted with whatever's going on. Imagine that.
Speaker 1: Could you imagine my fear? I had bat me for
Speaker 1: a while. And the doctor goes, oh, no, swear, God,
Speaker 1: I swear I lifted my shirt. And he goes, dude,
Speaker 1: I know, dude, the first day of med school. Uh one,
Speaker 1: this is the whole day, the whole day. No, yeah,
Speaker 1: just the first day of med school is just showing
Speaker 1: disgusting things and you can't have a verbal reaction or
Speaker 1: an irae like god. Okay. So you're at the doctor
Speaker 1: and then and then he goes, you sit down with me,
Speaker 1: you fill out information, and I was like okay. I
Speaker 1: was like, dude, I kind of missed the Jewish doctor.
Speaker 1: He's yelling at me like used problem. And then he goes,
Speaker 1: h he goes, what's your what's your zip code? And
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know my zip code. He goes,
Speaker 1: how do you not know your zip code? I mean,
Speaker 1: how do you know? I just moved? I agree with him,
Speaker 1: I just moved. All right, Well, okay, having on your
Speaker 1: phone or something. And then I go, I go, I
Speaker 1: think you know my zip code. It's like Google, You're
Speaker 1: on a dress and then your zip code comes true,
Speaker 1: but I did after I didn't. So he goes to
Speaker 1: me and then he goes I yelled at him, I
Speaker 1: don't know my fucking zip code, and then he goes,
Speaker 1: he goes, he goes, he goes, I like you, He goes,
Speaker 1: you know who doesn't like me women? That's what he said.
Speaker 1: I swear to God, and I'm like, what is going
Speaker 1: I was like, where in my twilight zone? Like? And
Speaker 1: then he goes, he goes, I take I take your
Speaker 1: insurance and I was like, all right, cool. He goes,
Speaker 1: you come in Friday. I go, I work Friday. He
Speaker 1: goes only Friday, and I was like, I'll be there Friday.
Speaker 1: So he goes, I swear to God, dude, and then
Speaker 1: he goes, I leave, and I feel it us like
Speaker 1: what Then you ever walk down like in New Year
Speaker 1: After like kind of like like and you get around
Speaker 1: like so many people and you're like what the And
Speaker 1: then are we all hearing? Are we all here? I
Speaker 1: get a call from my insurance company and they go,
Speaker 1: by the way, your insurance is not active. So then
Speaker 1: I I gotta go back to the guy. And now
Speaker 1: I'm so nervous. It's a walk up. I'm walking up
Speaker 1: and I'm like, dude, oh my god. And I go
Speaker 1: to the guy. I was like, by the way, um
Speaker 1: my insurance it's inactive. And he goes, you pay cash
Speaker 1: and I go what And he's like, yo, you play hardball.
Speaker 1: He goes eight hundred cash and I go. He goes,
Speaker 1: did you say nothing? Six fifty cash? And I was like, dude,
Speaker 1: I'm not bargaining my asshole like a Chanel bag on
Speaker 1: Canal Street and he goes, but it's a genuine I
Speaker 1: reduced WoT you saying anything? I go, where do you
Speaker 1: guys do it? And he's like, all right, there's nothing there.
Speaker 1: There was room, dude. It was like a colon oscar
Speaker 1: py like to remove where do you do it? Meaning
Speaker 1: remove the polyps? Like where do you do to colon oscar?
Speaker 1: We just do it here. We just put you under
Speaker 1: and yeah, just go on the floor. Yeah, we just
Speaker 1: go outside you with dog, so and so. Anyways, so
Speaker 1: now I have to get my asshole checked every couple
Speaker 1: of years. Did you have canpcer? It was just precancers, precancer.
Speaker 1: No one really cares that much about precancer, but like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not really so we all have pre cancer kind
Speaker 1: of Yeah, we really do well. I talked to HPV
Speaker 1: and then she was like, I get but you don't
Speaker 1: like it goes away. I don't think it goes away. Well,
Speaker 1: there's a there's a Wetchman call it now for that
Speaker 1: and it's called hinge. Oh my, there's an app called
Speaker 1: No No, there's a there's a vaccine. We wanted to
Speaker 1: hit on you. How will we contact you? And like,
Speaker 1: where can the lady I want to give a hard
Speaker 1: p s a Andrew. Really he had an hour and
Speaker 1: eight minutes to sell himself. He did a terrible job.
Speaker 1: But we will vouch. Andrew is very nice. He's very funny,
Speaker 1: he's very attractive. They might not have but maybe you know, well,
Speaker 1: you know, we get deep on guys. We fucked so
Speaker 1: and so you get the real would give the thumbs
Speaker 1: up on fucking Andrew. I agree and I second that notion,
Speaker 1: not that we we don't bring people on to get
Speaker 1: them laid, but yeah, because you are a great guy.
Speaker 1: But thank you, that's why. Okay, So how do we
Speaker 1: contact you? How do we come to your social media?
Speaker 1: How do we stop you? Other? More nights on this
Speaker 1: coming out Friday day, I'm doing the Borgata that night
Speaker 1: in Atlantic City. Okay, Nicky Glazer, that's pretty cool. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'll probably bomb and I'm talking around. This is fun.
Speaker 1: I'm having fun now with this, like not me, mom
Speaker 1: has to promote laugh bike heel. It's fun. It's so
Speaker 1: unlike me back life. I feel where are we doing it?
Speaker 1: We're doing a Scott Scott. What's the date? August? Is it?
Speaker 1: It's a Monday. I don't think it's a Monday. I
Speaker 1: think it is my dad's birthday. Okay, we'll just go
Speaker 1: to my instagram Andrew T Colin and this is a
Speaker 1: great song. Do you have a website? I do, but
Speaker 1: it's not quite active, so it's you don't have a website.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I do have a website. I just
Speaker 1: don't update it. I don't know how it's hard, dude,
Speaker 1: WordPress and ship. Yeah, I update our website. I mean
Speaker 1: I can show you. Okay, So next week we're Acture,
Speaker 1: We're me and we're doing a show for domestic violence
Speaker 1: for prevention domestic vir lens at Scotty's which is in Springfield,
Speaker 1: New Jersey up for the day. But it's like it's
Speaker 1: next next week whatever. And I have my podcast called
Speaker 1: Happy never after did I do with a former? Really?
Speaker 1: Never happy? Never happy? I know it should have been
Speaker 1: happy like this man's plain. I really thought was happy
Speaker 1: we get introduced that we did? We did? And happy
Speaker 1: said whatever? And so yeah, it's a great podcast. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, you guys are so funny together and uh
Speaker 1: yeah we're both pretty pathetic and it's great and uh yeah,
Speaker 1: this is what's your social media handle? Um? Andrew T. Colin? Okay,
Speaker 1: so I need to get your single right? I am single?
Speaker 1: I am I just got broken up with over texts?
Speaker 1: So can up shut up? What what do you have
Speaker 1: to sing on air? She like like she was like,
Speaker 1: she just broke my heart. You know what she wrote?
Speaker 1: You know what she wrote? Actually she wrote, keep digging, buddy,
Speaker 1: I go. Can we just have a conversation about this?
Speaker 1: Like I would enjoy a conversation. And two guys, if
Speaker 1: I thought this would be serious, they would deserve a conversation.
Speaker 1: Rude and she was your girlfriend? All right? Thank you
Speaker 1: so much Andrew Colin for being a guest on Guys
Speaker 1: We Fucked Us is Guys We Fuck the Anti SLUC podcast.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you next Friday. Women are perfects. No
Speaker 1: woman has any flaws, then should I be afraid because
Speaker 1: they're about fall? Women are better inherent people and men. Yes,
Speaker 1: we are superiora to each and then every one of them. Yes,
Speaker 1: O women are perfects well, and oh men are dumb.
Speaker 1: They are the evil ones without accept she um. Today's
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