Speaker 1: Hi, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff I've
Speaker 1: never told you and in AWE continuing mini series with
Speaker 1: Samantha I don't know. Samantha. Thanks for joining us. Once again,
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about the fallout of trauma
Speaker 1: because this whole series is examining all kinds of aspects
Speaker 1: of trauma, UM of sexual assault and the cost of it.
Speaker 1: And after this traumatic event happens, you the survivor has
Speaker 1: to pick up the pieces because it does cost survivors
Speaker 1: not only in terms of mental, physical, and emotional health,
Speaker 1: but like financially too, um and in ways that you
Speaker 1: might not expect, like think about the cost of therapy,
Speaker 1: of medication, lost hours or jobs due to anxiety, pank attacks, PTSD,
Speaker 1: UM and then yeah, rape kids, court trials. It is
Speaker 1: like a bomb has gone off in your life and
Speaker 1: the shrapnel is tearing into your heart and soul and
Speaker 1: body and relationships. Right. I mean essentially, if you look
Speaker 1: at it simply, it's a loss of self, almost like
Speaker 1: a morning period. I mean it could be compared to
Speaker 1: that life like you have lost your sense of safety
Speaker 1: and you have lost a sense of hope, um that
Speaker 1: you should have been, that should have been part of
Speaker 1: your human rights. Yeah, yeah, and I think, Um, I
Speaker 1: know I've said it before and I totally stole this
Speaker 1: from Harry Potter, but it's true. Um, I feel when
Speaker 1: I remember these times in my life, I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm remembering a younger sister who died like that was
Speaker 1: from the Seven Harry Potter book. But I feel like
Speaker 1: it's very fitting. It is. It's but you become a
Speaker 1: whole new person. So your sense of innocence has been lost,
Speaker 1: and that is a death in your life, and you
Speaker 1: do agree it. So trigger warnings before we get into it.
Speaker 1: Sexual assault, UM, suicidal ideation, self harming behaviors, eating disorders, abuse.
Speaker 1: I have just spent a couple of hours, UM, reading
Speaker 1: about the responsible reporting on these kinds of things and
Speaker 1: how uh contagious hearing about this can be if it
Speaker 1: is a triggering factor for you, So please please please
Speaker 1: think about yourself in your mental health before listening. Yes, um,
Speaker 1: so all right, let's talk about some of the aftermath
Speaker 1: of trauma, the the bad coping mechanisms that survivors might
Speaker 1: employ to deal UM. And one of the number one
Speaker 1: things is substance abuse, alcohol and drug abuse. According to
Speaker 1: some studies, people who have experienced sexual assault are thirteen
Speaker 1: times more likely to abuse alcohol and twenty six more
Speaker 1: times more likely to abuse drugs. And that's to self medicate,
Speaker 1: to forget to cope, or a manifestation of self destructive behavior.
Speaker 1: I've mentioned in past episodes that for the past two
Speaker 1: years I have been what I call destructive Annie, very
Speaker 1: much not taking care of myself. But one interesting thing
Speaker 1: about these numbers is it's from a study from and
Speaker 1: more recent studies with more nuanced definitions found that alcohol
Speaker 1: abuse is three times more likely than drug abuse. And
Speaker 1: it's really fascinating because the difference in numbers had to
Speaker 1: do with that whole real rape thing that we've talked about.
Speaker 1: So when you define it in that narrow way, it
Speaker 1: created a much smaller pool that were that pool was
Speaker 1: more likely to abuse drugs. So always read the study specifications,
Speaker 1: and of course you're getting new, more correctly or at
Speaker 1: least more diverse numbers of people to do these studies with.
Speaker 1: And of course we're also changing and defining who is
Speaker 1: relevant and who isn't. Yes, yes, a lot of studies
Speaker 1: look at increased risk of sexual assault actually happening due
Speaker 1: to alcohol and drug abuse. But what we're talking about
Speaker 1: here is the increase of alcohol and drug abuse after
Speaker 1: a sexual assault. However, the two are hard to separate,
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of overlap, particularly between people who
Speaker 1: were already habitual users prior to their assault, but which
Speaker 1: is often what's used against them, Like they have a
Speaker 1: history of something, so they no longer attribute that as
Speaker 1: part of the reason after the fact. Rights, Um, what
Speaker 1: is that called alcohol assisted? Right? Yeah, it's hard to
Speaker 1: separate a lot of these things out which, honestly, if
Speaker 1: you look back, I feel that we can look into
Speaker 1: more studies about the people who are already abusing alcohol.
Speaker 1: Having a new sexual assault is actually a perception of
Speaker 1: possibly further previous abuse that has happened that's not acknowledged. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: absolutely So while your body may freeze, your emotions don't.
Speaker 1: And survivors need an outlet. And I can totally include
Speaker 1: myself in here. Alcohol and drug abuse is a way
Speaker 1: to kind of mute emotions or sometimes force them out.
Speaker 1: Some survivors use it as an attempt to reassert control
Speaker 1: and regulate the emotions. If you feel a negative emotion
Speaker 1: coming on, you attempt to treat it with drugs. Or
Speaker 1: alcohol and get that disassociative state. And I think even
Speaker 1: people who aren't survivors can relate to that or at
Speaker 1: least have seen it in TV like it's almost kind
Speaker 1: of a joke, like you're sad and lonely, right. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you even look at the uptake of opiates and
Speaker 1: the reason that it's happening is not necessarily all of
Speaker 1: them are trauma victims necessarily, but maybe unhappy teenagers who
Speaker 1: have overdosed, and you look at the knees and the
Speaker 1: cost of what can make them feel better, quote unquote.
Speaker 1: And for me, a lot of my population that I'll
Speaker 1: work with in the world of social work, they would
Speaker 1: rather have something that they can control rather than something
Speaker 1: that is safely prescribed. And that's also one of the
Speaker 1: big like, oh my goodness, meganisms that's not being regulated. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think a threat in all of the stuff
Speaker 1: that we're talking about, one of the most important things
Speaker 1: is that feeling of control because it's been taken from you,
Speaker 1: so you're trying to cope and feel in control again,
Speaker 1: possibly in these very unhealthy ways. One study found that
Speaker 1: of sexual assault survivors get drunk for the first time
Speaker 1: after the assault and try cocaine for the first time.
Speaker 1: That is really specific. I know, kind of surprising to
Speaker 1: me personally, but I guess if you consider, unfortunately, how
Speaker 1: young usually the first sexual assault happens. Um, I guess
Speaker 1: it fits into that. And now I have definitely started
Speaker 1: it self medicating more, mostly with alcohol since Donald Trump
Speaker 1: got elected. Self destructive Annie that's when she was born. Um,
Speaker 1: all my trauma bubbled up to the surface. Um. It
Speaker 1: kind of shocked me because I thought I had it
Speaker 1: kind of in control, but then this happened, and um, yeah,
Speaker 1: it just I've lost control. But I was trying to
Speaker 1: convince myself that I had it. Um. And alcohol is
Speaker 1: so much easier than getting treatment or getting medication. It's
Speaker 1: an easy way to self medicate to try head off
Speaker 1: these negative emotions. Some survivors use drugs or alcohol as
Speaker 1: a way to become more sexual or to be able
Speaker 1: to have sex, Like if they're so tense, these are
Speaker 1: I mean, this is not uncommon for any person in general,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to admit there's something wrong, and
Speaker 1: drinking is a social thing, so therefore, why not this
Speaker 1: is acceptable? This is legal essentially, and so therefore this
Speaker 1: is a much better way of trying to forget and
Speaker 1: or liquid courage as they would call it, as you're
Speaker 1: talking about with trying to become sexual and hoping to
Speaker 1: continue as of life is normal. Right. And that's something
Speaker 1: that a couple of listeners wrote in about because we
Speaker 1: recently did an episode on consents and you cannot consent
Speaker 1: if you're drunk, and a lot of listeners wrote in
Speaker 1: and we're like, well but what about this, and I
Speaker 1: it is it's just difficult to navigate. So the fact
Speaker 1: that people are purposefully drinking right in order to have
Speaker 1: sex is something that we should red flag. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: if you only can have sex when your inhibitions are down,
Speaker 1: there's some kind of issue, problematic moments that is going
Speaker 1: to block your ability to have an intimate relationship rights exactly.
Speaker 1: Another piece of fallout is risky sexual behavior. Sexual violence
Speaker 1: has been linked to high risk sexual behavior like unprotected sex,
Speaker 1: increased risk of sexually transmitted infections. I think I've already
Speaker 1: said I went to the total opposite way or am
Speaker 1: a sexual jury so out? Um, But in either case,
Speaker 1: that is something else that people who experience sexual assaws
Speaker 1: often do that that they avoid sexual contact altogether. I
Speaker 1: always think of Rita from Dexter. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you ever saw that, Yes, I did, actually, yeah, which
Speaker 1: it worked out for him because he didn't want to
Speaker 1: have sex. She had been in this abusive relationship and
Speaker 1: she didn't want to have sex, right, but then she
Speaker 1: got past it and you know, and all of those things. Well, actually,
Speaker 1: and we can also end that spectrum of risky sexual behavior.
Speaker 1: We can correlate this with prostitution and domestic minor trafficking
Speaker 1: and human trafficking m. According to one study SEV, the
Speaker 1: prostitute of victims attribute to being sexually abused as children,
Speaker 1: influencing their reason that they became prostitute or started prostituting.
Speaker 1: And with that, um of those prostitutes never disclose their
Speaker 1: sexual abuse. And then on top of that, it shows
Speaker 1: that at least exploited children have been sexually abused, which
Speaker 1: is kind of one of the reasons that we talked
Speaker 1: about early sexualization as problematic UM, because this is how
Speaker 1: they are conditioned um to become more sexual and or
Speaker 1: be open to being sexually abused without realizing it is
Speaker 1: as an abuse. And I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: things that we would talk about obviously, if you look
Speaker 1: back and many of the kids who run away from
Speaker 1: home and then end up in this lifestyle, or even
Speaker 1: um women in general, this is a monetary gain and
Speaker 1: this is what they learned. Their value is because that's
Speaker 1: what they were taught. Yeah. Yeah. In seventeen, the Swedish
Speaker 1: media professionals and the Swedish Court of Appeals has um
Speaker 1: They have started talking about sex as self injury or
Speaker 1: s A s I, particularly among adolescent survivors of assault
Speaker 1: are both. The definition from the Children's Welfare of Sweden
Speaker 1: is when a person has a pattern of seeking sexual
Speaker 1: situations involving mental or physical harm to themselves. The behavior
Speaker 1: causes significant distress or impyramid and school work or other
Speaker 1: important areas, or, in the words of Stockholm, tell your
Speaker 1: quote to have repetitive and recurrent intense feelings such as shame,
Speaker 1: guild anxiety, disgust, and self hatred that are confirmed and
Speaker 1: or temporarily alleviated by repetitive and recurrent exposure to sexual
Speaker 1: and physical abuse, humiliation, and violation. This, as well as
Speaker 1: alcoholism or drug abuse, is categorized as indirect self harming behavior,
Speaker 1: but it does have a pretty direct link to other
Speaker 1: self harming behaviors, which we will get into after a
Speaker 1: quick break for a word from you're sponsor, M and
Speaker 1: we're back, Thank you sponsor. Okay, so let's start with
Speaker 1: self harm, which is frequently cutting but sometimes burning skin
Speaker 1: with like cigarettes. Um. This is another way of coping
Speaker 1: bad coping a survivor might turn to. And again this
Speaker 1: is it relates back to control. It's about feeling and control.
Speaker 1: It's a behavior that is meant to self injure but
Speaker 1: not kill. Yeah. I don't know if I actually told
Speaker 1: you this, but one of my ways of coping when
Speaker 1: I get really stressed and anxious is actually scratching my
Speaker 1: head until I bleed and or actually um, holding my
Speaker 1: fists in order using my nails to cut into myself,
Speaker 1: which is oftentimes I don't even realize I'm doing it
Speaker 1: until after the fact. But that is a form of
Speaker 1: self harming as well. So it's important because to make
Speaker 1: that distinction between meaning to self injure and not meaning
Speaker 1: to kill. Because a lot of folks who display self
Speaker 1: harming behavior, uh do not display suicidal behavior. Um. But
Speaker 1: people who do display self harming behavior are more likely
Speaker 1: to contemplate suicide. Some people actually use self harm as
Speaker 1: a way to release but not act on suicidal urges.
Speaker 1: Um Again, this form of self medication. Just like alcohol
Speaker 1: or drugs, the pain becomes too much and you need
Speaker 1: a release or distraction. The reasons cited for most of
Speaker 1: this behavior is overwhelming negative emotions are stressed. Some statistics
Speaker 1: show that sixty scent of people who self harm feel
Speaker 1: no pain when they do self harm, and people who
Speaker 1: have experienced some form of abuse are at a much
Speaker 1: higher risk of developing self harming behavior. And just like
Speaker 1: I said, I don't even notice half the time is
Speaker 1: after the fact that I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm
Speaker 1: doing this. Yeah, and it is. It's kind of one
Speaker 1: of those things that it's just an automatic reaction to
Speaker 1: stress because that's what I've learned as I'm not going
Speaker 1: to be volatile and loud and you know, throw a foot,
Speaker 1: I'm just going internalize and breathe. But in my subconscious
Speaker 1: is I'm losing myself. So what do I do to
Speaker 1: find myself again? Right? And on top of the the
Speaker 1: control aspect, a lot of these things that we're talking
Speaker 1: about are addictive in nature, and self harming that release
Speaker 1: that comes with it is also addictive. One and every
Speaker 1: one people is thought to engage in self harming behavior.
Speaker 1: Statistics show that teenagers, specifically female teenagers, are the most
Speaker 1: likely to self harm, and I did throughout high school
Speaker 1: and college. Estimates show that somewhere between sixty seven and
Speaker 1: eight to people who self harm are women. Whether this
Speaker 1: is because women are more likely to experience abuse, are
Speaker 1: are taught to turn these negative motions inward, or both,
Speaker 1: experts aren't sure of rape victims have visible scars from
Speaker 1: self harming, and it probably is more. There's a really
Speaker 1: incorrect narrative that I believe has been addressed on the
Speaker 1: show I Know, we did a video about it, um
Speaker 1: that this is something teenage girls do for attention, But
Speaker 1: numerous studies have turned that narrative on its head, which
Speaker 1: is I'm really glad it has because it is a
Speaker 1: constant thing where everything is said as attention. A girl
Speaker 1: is being slutty, she's trying to seek attention, a girl
Speaker 1: is being right. Dramatic self harming is frequently compared to
Speaker 1: or described as an addiction or an irresistible urge, which
Speaker 1: is kind of what you were describing, and these different
Speaker 1: self harming and aiding disorders oftentimes have, as you already said,
Speaker 1: a control factor, having control on self, specifically part of
Speaker 1: one's life when everything feels uncertain or being taken out
Speaker 1: of your hands. But you know, as stated above, it
Speaker 1: is also an uncontrollable urgent addiction has just been recently
Speaker 1: added to the d s M five in its own
Speaker 1: diagnosis and no longer as a symptom of another diagnosis,
Speaker 1: which is non suicidal self injury. That's how it's titled.
Speaker 1: Another thing we need to talk about is eating disorders.
Speaker 1: Multiple studies have shown a link between abuse and eating disorders.
Speaker 1: One found fifty of people suffering from bulimia and anorexia
Speaker 1: had a history of sexual abuse compared to the participants
Speaker 1: that did not suffer from those two eating disorders. Important
Speaker 1: to note the distinction between correlation and causality, but worth
Speaker 1: mentioning it can be used similarly to these other bad
Speaker 1: coping mechanisms we've been talking about again, a form of control,
Speaker 1: something that numbs you, disassociate to you. I read an
Speaker 1: article that described in eating disorder as the person assuming
Speaker 1: the role of both the victim and the abuser, and
Speaker 1: I know that I developed my first eating disorder in
Speaker 1: middle school, like directly related to my abuse. UM. I
Speaker 1: definitely used it as a way to feel in control,
Speaker 1: to feel numb. Also, I was like so anxious and
Speaker 1: full of hatred for my own body, which I blamed
Speaker 1: for the whole situation. UM that food had no taste.
Speaker 1: Is nauseated all the time, and there's there's like an
Speaker 1: element of cleansing involved as well. Right, And then I've
Speaker 1: I've called it before on this show. Exercising has become
Speaker 1: what I call my coping mechanism gone wrong. And actually
Speaker 1: through the therapy UM that Samantha and I have been hearing,
Speaker 1: my therapist said that it is another form of self
Speaker 1: harm I am engaging in. I mean, originally you hear
Speaker 1: that as a positive like exercise so I can release
Speaker 1: my stress. But it's absolutely true that you are wearing
Speaker 1: down your body when you do too much rights and
Speaker 1: if it's like painful and you still engage in it.
Speaker 1: And this brings us to suicide UM, which again we're
Speaker 1: gonna have resources at the end, very careful when we
Speaker 1: discuss this. UM. It is a complex public health issue
Speaker 1: of suicides involved mental health and or substance abuse. So
Speaker 1: no one event is the cause it's amalgamation of things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but please, please, please please please restating the trigger warning. Um,
Speaker 1: there are things, there are people, there are programs that
Speaker 1: are out there to help you, right, and and just
Speaker 1: to reiterate, we're talking about those statistics. We're talking about
Speaker 1: this because it needs to be noted for those who
Speaker 1: don't understand what trauma is and for those who are
Speaker 1: suffering and or contemplating these ideas. We want you to
Speaker 1: know that there are others who feel this way and
Speaker 1: who can and have gotten out of it. And myself
Speaker 1: and I know Anny you've talked about it, we are
Speaker 1: two of those people. Yes, Um, absolutely. From the CDC quote,
Speaker 1: suicide is the third leading cause of death among fifteen
Speaker 1: to twenty four year olds. That's of deaths, and the
Speaker 1: second leading cause of death among twenty to thirty five
Speaker 1: year olds compared to the tenth leading cause overall. It's
Speaker 1: the second leading cause of death of American college students.
Speaker 1: Up to fifteen of one thousand females studied reported saying
Speaker 1: they made suicidal attempts after suffering from some sort of
Speaker 1: sexual harassment. Thirty three percent of women who are raped
Speaker 1: consider suicide and attempted and studies are ongoing into the
Speaker 1: statistics around the l g b t q I community
Speaker 1: and on male survivors. Survivors whose sexual assault took place
Speaker 1: sixteen or younger are three to four times more likely
Speaker 1: to take their own lives. Overall, survivors are ten times
Speaker 1: more likely to kill themselves. And I know we just
Speaker 1: I just recently talked about the case with the high
Speaker 1: school teacher in which this youth UM ended up taking
Speaker 1: our own life. And there are so many things obviously
Speaker 1: that was taken advantage of of this young lady. And
Speaker 1: we need to talk about the fact that when we
Speaker 1: talked about grooming a lot of time predators can note
Speaker 1: the week oddly enough, UM. And there's also youth in
Speaker 1: UM vulnerable identity groups including lgbt q I UM worse
Speaker 1: with family rejection, Native American youth, Latina adolescent girls, foster
Speaker 1: care youth, and alumni homeless youth, and social media can
Speaker 1: really exacerbate this UM. A quote I read from an article,
Speaker 1: it can really seem like the whole world knows. And
Speaker 1: that's to do with a lot of the revenge revenge
Speaker 1: porn is it called, which many states have actually recognized
Speaker 1: this as a crime which is finally I mean, I
Speaker 1: will say one of the things about UM laws and regulations,
Speaker 1: they are having a hard time keeping up with social
Speaker 1: media and internet and all of that because they are
Speaker 1: exceedingly faster than being able to pass a law or
Speaker 1: a bill. Um, it is unfortunate that people are the worst.
Speaker 1: That is unfortunate. It is very unfortunate. We wouldn't be
Speaker 1: having this series at all if people would just be better. UM.
Speaker 1: So for myself, UM, I did try to kill myself
Speaker 1: when I was fifteen, and someone found me, and if
Speaker 1: they hadn't, I don't think I would be here. It
Speaker 1: was a combination of all of this fallout, ongoing building up.
Speaker 1: I took the steps to get help. I told people
Speaker 1: I have the numbers saved in my phone, the hotline,
Speaker 1: so that I remember feeling this way. I have a
Speaker 1: group of people I can reach out to. You you
Speaker 1: know what to do because we've discussed it. So, yes,
Speaker 1: there is hope. Recovery is totally possible. It's always ongoing.
Speaker 1: But there are resources out there for you, right and
Speaker 1: I think, um, as you and I have talked previously before,
Speaker 1: and as I mentioned above before, rather that we we
Speaker 1: have gone through these and we have gone through some
Speaker 1: of the worst of it, UM, but also some of
Speaker 1: the more supportive of it as well. And I think
Speaker 1: what is what we need to talk about more is
Speaker 1: the fact that there is help after the fact, there
Speaker 1: is survival after the fact. Um. I know, like you
Speaker 1: were talking about your fourteen Alice twelve, and I got
Speaker 1: help from my friends, not so much from my family.
Speaker 1: And that oftentimes happened because I would say I wasn't
Speaker 1: in a very religious family and the idea was Jesus
Speaker 1: will save you. But if you want to go down
Speaker 1: the religious faith throughout, it's also they've also provided help
Speaker 1: in this day and age, and it could be as
Speaker 1: easy as you have a friend, or it can be
Speaker 1: as hard as you have to do therapy. Yeah. So
Speaker 1: another part of this fallout that we should talk about
Speaker 1: is um setting examples for the younger people in our
Speaker 1: lives and normalizing. And one of the most disturbing things
Speaker 1: about my own experience in hindsight is how I reacted
Speaker 1: to being date raped in my freshman year of college.
Speaker 1: I wanted to do it was but add this overall
Speaker 1: sense that this happens, I rolled the dice and lost.
Speaker 1: It's a risk I accepted it by going to a
Speaker 1: party and drinking. It's just something that happens, unfortunately, and
Speaker 1: I had drawn short show, right, And that's that's why
Speaker 1: we talked about the fact of many people haven't reached
Speaker 1: out to the show about Emma, have I been raped
Speaker 1: because they they are in such self hate that it's
Speaker 1: easier to blame yourself than to acknowledge something happened. And
Speaker 1: then when you actually look back on, oh, this is
Speaker 1: not my fault, it becomes a whole new world. But
Speaker 1: because we are so inundated by culture and quote unquote
Speaker 1: patriarchy that we had somehow done something to lead to
Speaker 1: this moment instead of acknowledging, Oh, you, as the partner
Speaker 1: who or the predator, or the the person who came
Speaker 1: after me, you should take responsibility. Why am I taking
Speaker 1: it onto myself? Another cost is survivor is guilt and
Speaker 1: wondering about other people that might have been hurt because
Speaker 1: of your silence. And again people who come forward often
Speaker 1: experience that as well. Victims often talk about how if
Speaker 1: they had come forward, they may have prevented later crimes,
Speaker 1: taking on the responsibility of the perpetrator. And I think
Speaker 1: we see that with some of the latest cases where
Speaker 1: everybody's accusing them of why are you coming out now,
Speaker 1: you know, and it's just essentially it's I'm trying to
Speaker 1: protect the people. And I think I even had a
Speaker 1: certain case that happened in my small Hope town and
Speaker 1: I got someone someone reached out to me. I think
Speaker 1: I talked about this previously and was like, Hey, this
Speaker 1: dude is continuing and we want to try to stop him.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh gosh, I have this responsibility, but
Speaker 1: as the legal lot legal part of proportion of what
Speaker 1: I know, I'm like, but I'm going to harm your case.
Speaker 1: And I feel so guilty still because I want to
Speaker 1: protect the women and children, but I don't know the
Speaker 1: responsibility is how do I do this without harming your
Speaker 1: case and honestly owing owning their own survival by paying
Speaker 1: back to society. That's kind of one of my driven
Speaker 1: reasons to be a social worker, and I've been one
Speaker 1: for years and years and years and years. It's because
Speaker 1: I feel like I have been given a moment of
Speaker 1: being able to say I'm okay, and even though I
Speaker 1: feel damaged at times, I'm still better than most. And
Speaker 1: I feel guilty when I can't give back and or
Speaker 1: I can't advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves.
Speaker 1: And if I fail, and I'm going to tell you,
Speaker 1: in the world of social work, I feel like I
Speaker 1: failed more than I've helped. And I know I know
Speaker 1: the whole bit, but in my own personal life, it's
Speaker 1: kind of like, what have I done? Have I really helped?
Speaker 1: Or am I just putting a small band aid on
Speaker 1: a gashing wound. Another piece of the fallout here is
Speaker 1: loss of person relationships, also trust, feeling dirty or that
Speaker 1: you did something wrong. UM. Thirty percent of survivors experience
Speaker 1: problems at school or work following sexual trauma, and thirty
Speaker 1: seven report experienced problems with friends or family. And I
Speaker 1: think we need to talk about the fact that about
Speaker 1: the whole feeling dirty, UM, because I think we all
Speaker 1: know what that experience feels like. It ruins sexual experiences
Speaker 1: sometimes for some UM, and it's ruins intimacy in general,
Speaker 1: whether it's just a relationship. And for me, UM, this
Speaker 1: is as you were talking about therapy, one of the
Speaker 1: things that I have talked about with my therapist, with
Speaker 1: our therapist rather she's amazing, UM, is that the mere
Speaker 1: fact that I can't last long in a relationship because
Speaker 1: to me, it's all use them and leave them and
Speaker 1: or you're gonna leave anyway. Um. And that's absolutely the
Speaker 1: feeling of I'm not worth it. I'm worth this value,
Speaker 1: and that value is sexually and then you move on.
Speaker 1: So I know, like, even though I am all about
Speaker 1: you know, having your own experience, being um strong in
Speaker 1: your own voice for sexuality, whatever, it's also part of
Speaker 1: that is I don't trust that it can be loving,
Speaker 1: you know. And I think that's what like, I feel
Speaker 1: dirty at times. People feel dirty at times. There's moments
Speaker 1: that you can't associate outside of that moment and whether
Speaker 1: you're going to be triggered at any moment for some
Speaker 1: awful reason, you know. And I think we also have
Speaker 1: to talk about the fact that this oftentimes affects relationships,
Speaker 1: whether it's your husband, your you know, or your partner
Speaker 1: or any of those reasons, that there is a moment
Speaker 1: of how does the partner react and what is he
Speaker 1: supposed to do or what is she supposed to do.
Speaker 1: So we do have a little bit more in this episode,
Speaker 1: but first we have one more quick break for work
Speaker 1: from response to m HM, and we're back, Thank you sponsor.
Speaker 1: So to conclude this episode, UM, when I think about
Speaker 1: why I didn't publicly come forward and like until recently,
Speaker 1: not even with people that have known me forever, UM,
Speaker 1: because I didn't think I was worth it, um, or
Speaker 1: that it was worth it. I didn't think i'd be believed.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to stress anyone out. I wanted people
Speaker 1: to be happy and pretend that it never happened. And
Speaker 1: the thought of voicing that shame and disgust that I
Speaker 1: felt and giving it a name was terrifying in a
Speaker 1: weird way. It didn't even occur to me to do that.
Speaker 1: I was afraid of judgment, some sort of retaliation, and
Speaker 1: it it cost me to not come forward. All of
Speaker 1: these bad cooking things UM, eating disorders like of sleep,
Speaker 1: suicidal ideation, constant guilt, wondering if other people suffered because
Speaker 1: of my silence. I did lose relationships going back to running,
Speaker 1: I wrecked my knees. I I fought really hard, and
Speaker 1: I was determined to be happy. And it's so strange
Speaker 1: to say this, but some good did come out of it. Um.
Speaker 1: It's a very uneasy thing for me to admit, because
Speaker 1: it's this horrendous event. Um, all these events that should
Speaker 1: never have happened. But I was able to take some
Speaker 1: of it and turn it into writing into art and
Speaker 1: two things that helped me sort through what I was feeling.
Speaker 1: Things that made me feel empowered, and I found my
Speaker 1: support group. And it's through all of this and working
Speaker 1: on the show and through meeting people like you, Samantha,
Speaker 1: that I have been able to start to be more
Speaker 1: open about my experience. Um. There was a time where
Speaker 1: I could not even voice any of this. I would
Speaker 1: dissolve into a mess of tears and even screaming sometimes.
Speaker 1: And it's just taken a lot of time and having
Speaker 1: supportive people in my life, UM, that I've been able
Speaker 1: to take this step. Um, And I'm glad I could
Speaker 1: be a so work for you. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking like, have I pushed you so too far? Sometimes?
Speaker 1: And I think it is a part of the culture
Speaker 1: that silence is better than speaking. And I think this
Speaker 1: whole idea of we all suffer through things, just deal
Speaker 1: with it, um, And it needs to be out the
Speaker 1: door because we need to understand what we're going through
Speaker 1: or what we have gone through, or the things that
Speaker 1: trigger us affect our daily life, UM affect our relationships,
Speaker 1: affect our own self esteem. And I think for me,
Speaker 1: I mean, going through all of this, I've I've tried
Speaker 1: to use my experiences as a motivation to do better,
Speaker 1: to be better, to care more. Two the detriment of myself,
Speaker 1: of me having anxiety attacks, social aviation, not taking care
Speaker 1: of myself because I would rather focus on others than
Speaker 1: my own problems. And I you and I talked to
Speaker 1: by the fact that we UM are doing therapy again, UM,
Speaker 1: And I kind of forgot because I was like, oh, yeah, Andy,
Speaker 1: I gonna take therapy, and he's gonna do therapy. She's
Speaker 1: gonna be great. And then it's like, oh no, I
Speaker 1: have to talk about my issues too. And I've been
Speaker 1: able to let go of it somewhat without actually going
Speaker 1: through it and going through the pains of growing from
Speaker 1: it or coping with it. And I think that's a
Speaker 1: lot of people, UM who also want to deny because
Speaker 1: it was so long ago, you know, and you're like,
Speaker 1: I should be over this by now, But that's not true.
Speaker 1: That's not a true statement at all. You don't have
Speaker 1: to you can work through it now, and you should. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's one of the reasons we include the self
Speaker 1: care things at the end, because we just want to
Speaker 1: be like, all right, right, what we're doing in the
Speaker 1: difficulty of this UM. So some resources we talked about
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of stuff in this one.
Speaker 1: So there's the National Sexual Assault Hotline and one eight
Speaker 1: hundred six five six four six seven three for substance abuse.
Speaker 1: Sexual abuse survivors are more likely to relapse after attending
Speaker 1: programs like rehab or getting sober some other way. And
Speaker 1: this is not to discourage anyone, just an acknowledgement that
Speaker 1: going to rehab without treating the traumas like treating a
Speaker 1: symptom but not the underlying cause. So there's a lot
Speaker 1: of overlap for suicidal ideation. If someone you care about
Speaker 1: outrights as they're going to kill themselves, call n one
Speaker 1: or a website resource. You can go to Suicide Prevention
Speaker 1: Lifeline dot org. UM. The number the hotline is in
Speaker 1: English one eight hundred to seven three, eight to five
Speaker 1: five and in Spanish one eight six to eight nine
Speaker 1: four five four. And I just want to interject here,
Speaker 1: many of the states have their own crisis behavioral crisis line. UM.
Speaker 1: I know I work with one specifically in Georgia, and
Speaker 1: they will come out to you or where you're at
Speaker 1: or where the person who is suffering and or going
Speaker 1: through that moment, and it will come to you and
Speaker 1: and help you and to necessarily diagnose you, but at
Speaker 1: least walk you through what it looks like. And it
Speaker 1: is very very important that this is available to many
Speaker 1: of the stays, and it's free. That's the answers. I know,
Speaker 1: like costs is part of the reason people don't do therapy,
Speaker 1: but these different there are some things out there that
Speaker 1: are free and it's available and and any you and
Speaker 1: I talked about the fact that I want we want
Speaker 1: to be able to say if you can't find it,
Speaker 1: contact us, and I know you're gonna give all the
Speaker 1: information at the end because I don't remember. I'm just
Speaker 1: a guess, um, but that we can try to help
Speaker 1: you at least research with you what it could be
Speaker 1: available absolutely. Um. And some tips for for talking to
Speaker 1: survivors um. There are a lot, but here are some
Speaker 1: some basic ones. If you know you're going into this conversation,
Speaker 1: it's good to get educated and know some resources. If
Speaker 1: you don't know what you're getting into, If you don't
Speaker 1: know you're getting into this conversation, look some stuff up afterwards,
Speaker 1: check in on that person regularly. We are doing that
Speaker 1: as we record these episodes. I believe the person. Don't
Speaker 1: question the details, don't force them to talk about anything
Speaker 1: they don't want to. It's about giving them control of
Speaker 1: their story. And um, so this was all about bad coping,
Speaker 1: and future episodes we're going to be looking at healthy
Speaker 1: coping mechanisms and becoming a survivor right and wanting to
Speaker 1: give examples of some of the things that have been
Speaker 1: positive through all of these negative conversations that we've had.
Speaker 1: And I think also just to reiterate just caring and
Speaker 1: being there can be enough for me. I've talked about
Speaker 1: this before. I have a group of friends that don't
Speaker 1: quite understand what I'm going through, but they sit with me,
Speaker 1: and that's all I ask. I don't ask for them
Speaker 1: to give me advice, I don't ask for them to
Speaker 1: give me ways or in amation, even just sitting with
Speaker 1: them and knowing you're valued enough that someone takes their
Speaker 1: time to come and be with you physically. And I'm
Speaker 1: by the way, I'm not touching feely, like I'm not
Speaker 1: a big hugger or anything, but to have them next
Speaker 1: to me on a couch while I cry or while
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out this anxiety attack. That's enough
Speaker 1: sometimes and that's all the like, that's all that may
Speaker 1: be needed for that moment. Yeah, yeah, I don't want
Speaker 1: underestimate the value of that. So for our self care
Speaker 1: self care part of the episode my D and D fact.
Speaker 1: Any are you okay? Um? Any are you okay? So?
Speaker 1: I just dungeon mastered my first game and you were
Speaker 1: great at it. Thank you. You weren't there, but thanks.
Speaker 1: I but I got the email, I got a text
Speaker 1: say that you did well. Yes, I was very happy
Speaker 1: how it went. Um So, I was super nervous going in.
Speaker 1: But I learned a lot of things. I learned a lot,
Speaker 1: but the first and I should have known this, Like
Speaker 1: I'm playing with the same group I've been playing with forever.
Speaker 1: I mean all these magical items and I mean like
Speaker 1: I've just created them, and the first like four were jokes.
Speaker 1: Which ones did they buy? The first four? So now
Speaker 1: they have a ring of invisibility where the ring turns
Speaker 1: invisible when you put it on. Useful, but they don't
Speaker 1: know did they realize this, and they bought it. Why
Speaker 1: would they buy it? They think it can do something else? Um,
Speaker 1: well they should have known what I've got low price bag,
Speaker 1: shouldn't charge them more. Um. They bought a howling wolf
Speaker 1: brooch that when you press it it howls, you know,
Speaker 1: and that's it. Yeah, that's all. So that's literally something
Speaker 1: we could buy now, Yes, like in real life, I
Speaker 1: r L. I sold them a pet rock that gives
Speaker 1: words of encouragement. Okay, I might buy that. Actually, really cute.
Speaker 1: I think I would buy that. It's really cute. Its
Speaker 1: name is Doggo. I would buy it. And then they
Speaker 1: bought a helm of encouragement that is overly uh enthusiastic
Speaker 1: to go into battle. Okay, I can't buy that because
Speaker 1: I'll fight with that one. So that was fun. I'm
Speaker 1: debating on whether or not I'm going to make one
Speaker 1: of them actually useful. Maybe maybe we'll say, I feel
Speaker 1: like you should make the dogo useful. Oh he's great. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he keeps giving all kinds of words. So, speaking of which, UM,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna talk about Peaches so much right now
Speaker 1: because Peaches is getting on my nerves. I still love
Speaker 1: how please notice. Um, but I actually played Dominion. So
Speaker 1: this is one of the first role playing game RPG. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm a liar, but there were card expansions. Yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: is that Dominion. I don't know, I've never you've never
Speaker 1: played Dominion. I assumed you had played Dominute. Okay, anyway too.
Speaker 1: I played Dominion and the dude I played with is
Speaker 1: really into it, and I'm trying to be supportive. I'm like, yeah, sure,
Speaker 1: I'll be interested because a lot of my friends really
Speaker 1: like these types of game. But essentially it's like you
Speaker 1: buy magic and villages and stop things, and I'll try
Speaker 1: to figure it out. And I will say, the dude
Speaker 1: thought he beat me and I had to show and
Speaker 1: I was like, no, we tied, thank you very much.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, And I was like, no, don't act like
Speaker 1: you were better than me. And then he was like,
Speaker 1: oh I gave you no, no, no, no no, no, you
Speaker 1: thought you had beaten me. And I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 1: think I could get into these Yeah. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: if I can get into D and D because that's
Speaker 1: just really intense. I feel like it. Ah, but I
Speaker 1: will say, you know what, I do love because I'm
Speaker 1: an eighty year old puzzles. Puzzles are fun. I love puzzles.
Speaker 1: I think it's so great to not think about anything
Speaker 1: but whether these fit together. And that's what I need.
Speaker 1: I needed to just be perfectly laid out with a
Speaker 1: beautiful picture. There you go, and that includes Peaches looking
Speaker 1: at me like are you feeding me these things? And
Speaker 1: I don't. Just so you dog lovers know, I would
Speaker 1: never give our puzzle pieces. That's good to know, Samantha. Okay,
Speaker 1: that was my factor slash coping mechanisms. I'll keep that
Speaker 1: in my next game night, Samantha, Puzzles come over to
Speaker 1: our side. I don't know, like we Yeah, I was
Speaker 1: here for year last game night and it was super fun. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we have a great time. We do. It's a party,
Speaker 1: I think overall, if we want to talk about what
Speaker 1: coping is, it's being with people that are like minded
Speaker 1: and just having a good time in silly talks. There
Speaker 1: we go, and this brings us to the end of
Speaker 1: this episode. We did it. We will be continuing our
Speaker 1: mini series in the following weeks, but in the meantime,
Speaker 1: if you would like to reach out to us, you can.
Speaker 1: Our email is mom Stuff at how stuparks dot com.
Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast
Speaker 1: and on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks,
Speaker 1: as always to our producer Andrew Howard, and thanks to
Speaker 1: you for listening.