Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff Mom
Speaker 1: never told you. M M. And I am joined once
Speaker 1: again by my good friends Samantha's me. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for being here, and I'm so glad you're here
Speaker 1: for this one because you have a lot more expertise
Speaker 1: in this topic than I do, your years and years
Speaker 1: of it, which is dating. And we're going to be
Speaker 1: talking about specifically kind of dating. What what's it like
Speaker 1: these days these days? To be fair, that you've had
Speaker 1: more experience in the dating ish world than I have.
Speaker 1: But I have more experience in the different avenues of dating. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we've got to two perspectives to bring to this. Yes, um, so,
Speaker 1: I guess one of the things that one of the
Speaker 1: ways people meet these days is online online. Yes, and
Speaker 1: I have never dated online, and that's almost the only
Speaker 1: way I've ever dated. Really. Yeah, I think I'm intimidating,
Speaker 1: can't you tell I'm a mere voice. I'm intimidating. Um, Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm very scared right now. A recent MTV survey of
Speaker 1: three thousand single people found a large percentage reported feeling
Speaker 1: extremely confused about dating. At two thousand. Six study out
Speaker 1: of the US found that of the people that were
Speaker 1: actively looking for a relationship had only been on one
Speaker 1: date over the previous three months. So it's tough out there,
Speaker 1: it seems like. So I maybe like the night who
Speaker 1: hasn't been on a date in a year. Oh, that's
Speaker 1: not true, that's six months ago. I guess that's closer, right,
Speaker 1: I'm a success, I would say so. I would say so.
Speaker 1: So let's look at some stats as far as online dating,
Speaker 1: as of Americans have used online dating, either websites or mobile,
Speaker 1: About thirty million unique visitors a month checkout dating sites. Also,
Speaker 1: I did not realize there were subscription services like Netflix
Speaker 1: for dating. Um, I don't know what I thought. I
Speaker 1: guess I thought everything was free. Oh you don't know,
Speaker 1: like match dot com and e Harmony. Who rules you
Speaker 1: in with a trial and they're like, oh, but you
Speaker 1: can't actually talk to this person unless you yeah, unless
Speaker 1: you actually subscribe for a week. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: that much, but it tries to get you with a
Speaker 1: big deal, like six months of this is cheaper than
Speaker 1: the three months that versus the one month the world
Speaker 1: wide Web. They're sneaky as people. I I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: naive for thinking that I would have Can we bee
Speaker 1: visit the word unique? What does that mean? Like the
Speaker 1: whole unique visitors? It means that it's not the same
Speaker 1: person refreshing the page or burned over our checking, get
Speaker 1: over and over that. I know. We we like to
Speaker 1: have specific types of people, Okay, going, Everyone's unique in
Speaker 1: that everyone is special in their own way. Nearly half
Speaker 1: of the public knows someone who has met their partner
Speaker 1: or spouse through online dating. Uh, and it is a
Speaker 1: three billion dollar industry. We'll think about all the advertisements
Speaker 1: as well. People make money through Like all of the
Speaker 1: free sites have some type of advertisement behind it that
Speaker 1: you see and or links or something along those lines. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's true. Sponsorships, sponsorships, Yes, we have been sponsored by
Speaker 1: more than one. Mash dot com went up from around
Speaker 1: three point four million subscribers to over seven million tender reports,
Speaker 1: getting one point six billion swipes per day, resulting in
Speaker 1: one point five million dates a week. Another less than
Speaker 1: scientific study found that of the respondents, millennials were more
Speaker 1: likely to be addicted to dating, men were more likely
Speaker 1: than women to report that, and of women reported feeling
Speaker 1: burnt out. Oh yeah, I understand that. You know there
Speaker 1: are all kinds of very specific dating site like farmers
Speaker 1: Only dot com hinge which sets you up with friends
Speaker 1: of friends supposedly, and then Bumble women are the focus
Speaker 1: and they message first and they had the control. There's
Speaker 1: things like black Planet, which actually is like specifically to
Speaker 1: African Americans or black the black community. UM Ashley Madison,
Speaker 1: we are know about what that is, along with the
Speaker 1: lines of the sugar Daddy dot com you know and
Speaker 1: sometimes in appropably used LinkedIn We've heard. I had never
Speaker 1: known about that, but I'm not surprised. I mean, you
Speaker 1: and I already talked about the whole way back when
Speaker 1: sliding into the DN that's a new form, well not
Speaker 1: a new wolf new form, but a form of trying
Speaker 1: to hook up with someone. I did not know that.
Speaker 1: Samantha had to educate me of many mistakes I had
Speaker 1: made that I thought were completely innocent. I didn't realize
Speaker 1: there was this connotation like it's a song. You're like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, this guy you know message was like he
Speaker 1: slid into a d and you're like, what, like here,
Speaker 1: let me play the web song for you. That's how
Speaker 1: I went down, And that was another one of our
Speaker 1: cheese night. It was a beautiful, beautiful night. Yeah. Oh,
Speaker 1: I learned a lot that night, multiple stories of men
Speaker 1: setting up accounts as women to see what it's like
Speaker 1: and getting multiple messages within minutes that exist and like
Speaker 1: usually the men shut down the accounts pretty quickly because
Speaker 1: they get overwhelmed, right welcome then yea. At the same
Speaker 1: time of Americans and one survey agreed with the statement
Speaker 1: quote people who use online dating sites are desperate, which
Speaker 1: I find interesting. However, in one third of all marriages
Speaker 1: in the US started online. Well you gotta think about
Speaker 1: the whole like size are desperate thing. There's that cliche
Speaker 1: of what will pretend like we didn't meet online, as
Speaker 1: well as the fact like people have hesitations because they
Speaker 1: don't understand why. Maybe I don't know what it is
Speaker 1: for you that you hesitate. Maybe you've already got too
Speaker 1: much on your plate, which I know you do. He
Speaker 1: as well as people like my friend, uh Brendan, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna put him out here, he would never touch it
Speaker 1: because he was like, I'd rather be alone than put
Speaker 1: in that much effort. Yeah it is, and you know what,
Speaker 1: it is a lot of effort. Yeah, and we're going
Speaker 1: to be talking about some of that. Oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: found several articles that described online dating fatigue and an
Speaker 1: apathy around dating, the random, often tedious, and possibly dangerous nature,
Speaker 1: wearing folks down, and yeah, reading about it, to me,
Speaker 1: it kind of sounded like a tense, exhausting homework assignment. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it really sounds like it. People who have done online
Speaker 1: dating for more than a few months understand how exhausting
Speaker 1: it is to not only filter out the crazies I
Speaker 1: want to say, crazy inappropriate people who say inappropriate things
Speaker 1: to you at inappropriate times, which is usually a never
Speaker 1: good time, you know, which also we'll talk about a
Speaker 1: little later, like dick pics, which is absurd in itself,
Speaker 1: and then solicited and then you have all the I
Speaker 1: love the all the new Instagram and Twitter accounts that
Speaker 1: pretty much put people on blast for the ridiculous responses.
Speaker 1: But that's part of the whole Oh my gosh, why yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And when you can dense courting are dating into a
Speaker 1: swipe A lot does get lost that hot or not thing? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Wait back when? Yeah, for people who don't know what,
Speaker 1: I'm going to assume most people do. But if you don't,
Speaker 1: like if you use a dating app, um, you swipe
Speaker 1: left or right to say no or yes. And there
Speaker 1: used to be a site which was kind of like
Speaker 1: a game way back when, called Hot or Not. And
Speaker 1: it wasn't necessarily dating, It was just for judging people.
Speaker 1: Mark Zuckerberg. Um. And so this like swiping, is supposed
Speaker 1: to save time in a society where time is very scarce,
Speaker 1: but ultimately most of the time it doesn't save you
Speaker 1: any any time. It makes the first step easy. But
Speaker 1: some people report spending ten to fifteen hours a week
Speaker 1: online dating for maybe one date maybe no date. Wow, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's a lot more than I do. Maybe I
Speaker 1: just don't have the patience or the drive. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't one problem. Sometimes people you aren't attracted to at
Speaker 1: first site grow attractive to you as you get to
Speaker 1: know them. Efficiency is at odds with effectiveness. From Franny
Speaker 1: Steinlage at The Atlantic quote, there's a whole new currency,
Speaker 1: and the currency is people. And if you lose one
Speaker 1: person one day, that's fine. You have five hundred others
Speaker 1: at your disposal. And you know, this is not based
Speaker 1: on research, is just based on my friend group as
Speaker 1: well as people that I know that have gone online dating.
Speaker 1: It spills like that men a little more choosier about
Speaker 1: looks in physical appearance than women, like women will actually
Speaker 1: base a denial on oh. He wrote these in these
Speaker 1: things never mind, Like I know, for me, I don't
Speaker 1: necessarily have a specific type, but if you catch me
Speaker 1: with a good intro and that I laugh, I'm more
Speaker 1: likely going to give you a chance. I'm seeing from
Speaker 1: other men they're like, yeah, she's not cute and automatically. Again,
Speaker 1: this is not based on research. This is just what
Speaker 1: I've seen any witness, Yeah, which is kind of like, Okay,
Speaker 1: that's odd or is it not odd? I guess it's
Speaker 1: kind of the whole superficial thing that we go back
Speaker 1: and forth men versus women. Yeah, yeah, I've I've been
Speaker 1: thinking about this recently because I feel, as I've said,
Speaker 1: I don't really feel sexual attraction, but I feel emotional
Speaker 1: attraction and sometimes romantic attract very rarely sometimes. So I
Speaker 1: wouldn't I feel like I wouldn't get that online dating
Speaker 1: right or would be very hard. I could read a
Speaker 1: profile and think maybe there's something, um, yeah, So I
Speaker 1: don't think it would be affective for me particularly, but
Speaker 1: I do. I used to look down on online dating,
Speaker 1: and now I don't at all. I think, UM, it
Speaker 1: can be really useful, but it can be very entertaining.
Speaker 1: I've heard that. I've heard that some good stories. However,
Speaker 1: some studies have linked online dating to depression and low
Speaker 1: self esteem. UM. And this goes back to you, I
Speaker 1: have uh, I feel like I can't I can't remember.
Speaker 1: There's satisfiers and maximizers um, and so that some people
Speaker 1: are always looking to maximize it. You're with someone and
Speaker 1: while you're with that person, you're thinking, I could be
Speaker 1: with someone better, I just haven't found them yet. And
Speaker 1: so there's this you're never satisfied, You're always looking for
Speaker 1: something better. And then at the same time, I would
Speaker 1: imagine if you're not getting any matches, if no one
Speaker 1: is swiping right on you, that would impact you feel
Speaker 1: because for me it is absolutely my anxiety comes up
Speaker 1: at higher if I'm actually with someone that I'm interested
Speaker 1: in and we're invested in time, and I'm thinking they're
Speaker 1: probably looking still looking for something better, and I'm just
Speaker 1: a part of their time like ster because for me,
Speaker 1: a lot of them, like the link to I've definitely
Speaker 1: had a few good connections that we'll just suddenly end,
Speaker 1: and the next person they were with they're married, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, what the hell just happens? Like, how am
Speaker 1: I the step before? That's okay, it's okay, not better,
Speaker 1: dess not better, none of those things. Nope, Nope. In
Speaker 1: the past five years, reports have suggested that the link
Speaker 1: between online dating and rape have gone up. Do you
Speaker 1: think we just get more data because of its online
Speaker 1: dating or you think that's actually because of the interaction.
Speaker 1: I think it's because. I think it's probably multi There's
Speaker 1: a lot of reasons, right. I think it's probably because
Speaker 1: more people are doing it and there is more data. Well,
Speaker 1: I was going to add again, yes, fatigue, that's so correct.
Speaker 1: Like me, who has been on for years, I think
Speaker 1: I go off and on all the time because I
Speaker 1: will just like not I quit. No, okay, I've tried again,
Speaker 1: No I quit. Um. It gets really frustrating between the
Speaker 1: trying to decipher whether a person is actually truthful, like
Speaker 1: are they actually single or are they just trying to
Speaker 1: sound find something on the side, or any of those questions,
Speaker 1: and then if they're not interested as the same as
Speaker 1: you are, or just the overall ridiculous messages that you
Speaker 1: receive at times, I've gotten many weird requests. Also, remember
Speaker 1: I'm Asian, so therefore the level of people out there
Speaker 1: with Asian fetishes, it's a large number. I get some
Speaker 1: of the weirdest messages requesting the weirdest things, and I
Speaker 1: actually had to put into my profiles. Please don't ask
Speaker 1: me to do this. I'm not that type of person.
Speaker 1: You're not going to see me this, don't compare me
Speaker 1: to an anime that's all you're interested in. Please don't
Speaker 1: contact me. I got some weird stuff. I'm like, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm really, I'm really not going to put on weird
Speaker 1: dominatrix fantasy things for you. Does that really? Like you?
Speaker 1: Just kidding? Just kidding? Maybe? Um, But I mean there's
Speaker 1: a lot of that as well that I'm very cautious of,
Speaker 1: and honestly, that's one of my requirements. If I see
Speaker 1: too much Asian interests into your profiles, I'm like, yeah, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no, no, no, absolutely not, because it just already
Speaker 1: levels into all right, you have this obsession. I can't
Speaker 1: be that person for you. That's fair. Um. Online dating
Speaker 1: has borne out something else that we've been hearing about
Speaker 1: a lot in the pact couple of years, which is
Speaker 1: the increased importance of dating someone who shares your political beliefs.
Speaker 1: Of people on Okay Cupids say they wouldn't date someone
Speaker 1: who supports the president. Um, yeah, I would say that
Speaker 1: my standards have definitely changed since the new Wish administration.
Speaker 1: For me, the sites with political affiliations have become very
Speaker 1: helpful and I actually really really like it. And with that,
Speaker 1: I'm even more strict with the rules I have about
Speaker 1: dating and what's acceptable and what's not. And honestly, um,
Speaker 1: and you'll hear later on in the SoundBite when I
Speaker 1: talk to different people about their dating rules and their
Speaker 1: online dating requirements, they have started talking about how they
Speaker 1: have become even more stranged about their requirements in politics
Speaker 1: because of the recent changes. And I know for myself,
Speaker 1: even if I and I'm sorry, even if I see
Speaker 1: that you're moderate as a white man, automatically no, it's
Speaker 1: automatically no, because I'm like, at this in this climate,
Speaker 1: that means something. That means that there's some type of
Speaker 1: privilege that you've experienced that you don't have to worry
Speaker 1: about it as much as I do, or a person
Speaker 1: of color does, or a woman does. So that should
Speaker 1: automatically put that puts off like signs, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: you need to care a little bit more whether it's
Speaker 1: just yeah, what's happening right now is gross. For the
Speaker 1: rights of women, for the rights of people of color,
Speaker 1: for the rights of the l g B t Q
Speaker 1: I community, like, all of that is important, and I
Speaker 1: think that's part of the things that I'm like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: five years ago, I wouldn't have thought about it as much.
Speaker 1: I would maybe giving you a chance. At this point,
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, fun,
Speaker 1: fun stat for me. Did you do profiles with names
Speaker 1: or use your names that come early in the alphabet
Speaker 1: are perceived as more attractive, So I would be slaying
Speaker 1: and I need to rethink my strategy. Apparently, just Sam,
Speaker 1: I think you're onto something. I think I might have
Speaker 1: to tried this as like an experiment, two profiles more
Speaker 1: attraction with sminty experiment. I like it, you know, all experiments.
Speaker 1: And so let's talk about dating. In this era of
Speaker 1: hashtag me too, U of male respondents aged, I've reported
Speaker 1: that me too has changed how they approach potential romantic
Speaker 1: relationships and doing the research, I gotta say I got
Speaker 1: pretty tired pretty quickly of reading woe is me. I
Speaker 1: don't know what to do anymore. I'm on edge the
Speaker 1: whole time. Accounts from men. Yeah, it sucks, but it
Speaker 1: has sucked for women for it, right, And also what
Speaker 1: we have to accept as it happens, right, right, Also
Speaker 1: those questions like what I can't even flirt with a
Speaker 1: woman in the others and amore, this isn't life. Geraldo
Speaker 1: Rivera said sexual harassment was criminalizing courtship. Yeah, um eraldo Rivera. Really,
Speaker 1: I love how these conversation conversations act as if we
Speaker 1: were taken away a privilege somehow or a right. Where
Speaker 1: did this concept of consider go out the window? How
Speaker 1: did it go away? If I'm interested in you, you
Speaker 1: will know. I really hope that you have the common
Speaker 1: sense to understand when a woman is interested and when
Speaker 1: it's not. And I understand sometimes those rules and those
Speaker 1: get a little bit you know, sketchy and such, And
Speaker 1: if you're in doubt, just don't. Yeah, just don't. That's
Speaker 1: the safest way. And if I was interested in you
Speaker 1: and you become forceful or aggressive, believe me, everything changes
Speaker 1: no longer interested. So it's kind of like you need
Speaker 1: to figure out your own lifestyle and what you understand
Speaker 1: as consent and rights and privileges. Because the whole I said,
Speaker 1: I like the whole concept of picking women up. I
Speaker 1: think it's also an issue when it comes to the
Speaker 1: understanding of what consent is, like the whole harassment, like
Speaker 1: the whole continued violation, and we're just getting into that space,
Speaker 1: you know. I love The Office. That's one of my
Speaker 1: favorite favorite sitcoms. I watch it all the time. It's
Speaker 1: one of those that I watched when I'm like I
Speaker 1: need to think about nothing. But some of the episodes
Speaker 1: that really really bothered me recently are when Michael, who
Speaker 1: we know is inappropriate and cannot read cues really well
Speaker 1: and ridiculous. But several of the like the relationships they
Speaker 1: pursue is stalker ish, and I'm like, this is really,
Speaker 1: like we've allowed it us funny and endearing, and maybe
Speaker 1: that's part of the reason we have such misconceptions of
Speaker 1: consent in what trying isn't trying, But like literally there
Speaker 1: are two women where he just keeps trying to either
Speaker 1: kiss them or force a relationship on them, and it
Speaker 1: finally turns out okay for him, but let's be clear,
Speaker 1: that's not supposed to happen, and that's not okay. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. There's also all the complaining about how you
Speaker 1: can't even have our mistress because women find out somewhere
Speaker 1: or another through modern technology, I can't deceive women anymore.
Speaker 1: What what I can't have three families in three different
Speaker 1: parts of the country or the world. Wow, this is terrible, terrible.
Speaker 1: There are accounts from women saying at the end of
Speaker 1: her states, essentially that that men would say to them
Speaker 1: because of this whole me too thing, I'm not going
Speaker 1: to make a pass that you You're going to have
Speaker 1: to make the first move. Um, concerned more than they'll
Speaker 1: be accused than of actually preventing harm. Can we just
Speaker 1: revisit again the whole statistic of women reporting and again
Speaker 1: making accusations, and again even believing that they've been violated.
Speaker 1: I mean, yes, you should absolutely be willing to talk
Speaker 1: about these things, but to put it off as if
Speaker 1: you're being hindered and or this is all of this fault,
Speaker 1: your fault, women's fault. Come on, guys, yeah, come on,
Speaker 1: um and other people just come on, yeah, everybody, apologists,
Speaker 1: come on. Data from dating dot Com indicates that sends
Speaker 1: me to women initiating conversations with men has gone up,
Speaker 1: while men initiating contact has gone down by about the
Speaker 1: number of unsolicited nudes has gone down as well. Actually, yeah,
Speaker 1: one of the people that I talked to, I asked her,
Speaker 1: I was like, how did you How did this affect you?
Speaker 1: Has me too, She's like, you know what the new
Speaker 1: thing has been? They now asked me if I want
Speaker 1: to dick PI other than just sitting me. She's like,
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. I'm like, so, have you ever
Speaker 1: said yes? She's like no, no, no, no, no. So
Speaker 1: it's interesting. I guess sure, Still why why indeed? Keep going?
Speaker 1: I was recently at the Southern Food Ways Alliance symposium
Speaker 1: and listening to people in the food service industry discussing
Speaker 1: how to handle the situation like a date gone wrong,
Speaker 1: and it was really saddening. In the UK, there was
Speaker 1: a whole campaign called ask for Angela, which was a
Speaker 1: code word for staff so they could discreetly take action. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: so I decided I wanted to also talk to my
Speaker 1: friend grave but about this online dating experience, because obviously
Speaker 1: I'm not the only one who has gone through all
Speaker 1: these shenanigans. So this is the first group of my friends,
Speaker 1: which include Casey, Joe, Matt, and Louise. And just to
Speaker 1: let you know, Matt and Louise actually met online and
Speaker 1: have been together for a while now. I've been on
Speaker 1: online dating sites off and on for six years. I
Speaker 1: think probably had to be twice so eleven years that
Speaker 1: I YEA the first time that I loved into. I
Speaker 1: would say I've been using them often on, not right now,
Speaker 1: but often on for probably ten or eleven years. I
Speaker 1: was probably an early adopter, and I probably had it
Speaker 1: about eleven years about when it came out, because right
Speaker 1: around my space time, if I remember correctly, Oh you
Speaker 1: want one of the first what height? Did you go on?
Speaker 1: The first one? The first one I downloaded was Hinge
Speaker 1: And why I liked the concept of it better because
Speaker 1: I was weirded out by aline dating and the concept
Speaker 1: was that you could potentially meet in real life because
Speaker 1: you have mutual friends. So well original wise, I have
Speaker 1: to say Yahoo chat rooms and l chat rooms because
Speaker 1: that's a s L you know, age sex on location.
Speaker 1: But outside of that, UM man Hunt we used to
Speaker 1: call it the part okay and man Hunt was the
Speaker 1: first gay hook up site, and it was on the
Speaker 1: computer and I had it. I probably started on Aim
Speaker 1: as well. Now it's mostly farmers only, but uh, okay,
Speaker 1: Cupid has been a pretty good constant. Keep deactivating it
Speaker 1: and you know, come back when I've got time. Pretty casually,
Speaker 1: not really contacting most people, just short conversations mostly. I
Speaker 1: prefer face to face and like personal connection. UM and
Speaker 1: I find that there has been a huge culture shift
Speaker 1: in dating and people don't take the time to invest
Speaker 1: and figure out if something is really gonna work and
Speaker 1: like take the time because there's a million other people
Speaker 1: at their fingertips they could be swiping through. UM, I
Speaker 1: think it makes it a lot harder to build genuine
Speaker 1: connection because there's a lot of other options you don't
Speaker 1: have to try and make something work. So with that,
Speaker 1: why as on uh it feels like the only way
Speaker 1: to meet someone. No on approaches anyone in real life
Speaker 1: either because there's a million people at their fingertips. Why
Speaker 1: risk getting rejected face to face and being embarrassed or
Speaker 1: whatever else? When you can swipe on your phone and
Speaker 1: have the comfort of knowing someone also swiped right before
Speaker 1: you broach a conversation same sex relationships. There was no
Speaker 1: other way besides the park, which was manhunt at that time,
Speaker 1: or Yahoo or aim. Um, there was no other way.
Speaker 1: I grew up in a town where that was just
Speaker 1: not possible for you to meet anyone else, and even
Speaker 1: moving into the city, there's just no other option. Like,
Speaker 1: so is it great? No? But do I have another option?
Speaker 1: Not really? So I've got to say there's like a
Speaker 1: double like edge sword onness where there it kind of
Speaker 1: cuts through some of the confusion or um, at least
Speaker 1: for the same sex thing of I usually looking for
Speaker 1: someone like oh, I can easily just go in and
Speaker 1: not have to be like, is this person get or straight?
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's the first question I want
Speaker 1: to ask, but um, I think after like getting out
Speaker 1: of like school or something, the only time you are
Speaker 1: in a position to really meet people is that are
Speaker 1: outside of your friend group is usually at work, and
Speaker 1: where I've worked, it's been a very shallow pool um
Speaker 1: because they're usually a lot of women, and that kind
Speaker 1: of cuts it down for me. Well, I think the
Speaker 1: main problem is trying to figure out somebody's personality through
Speaker 1: text and trying to figure out with just questions or
Speaker 1: somebody's little paragraph like who they are. People like hunt
Speaker 1: for red flags uh and don't know anybody's personality before
Speaker 1: they actually meet them. So it's a little uh confusing
Speaker 1: trying to meet somebody like that and being a little
Speaker 1: bit introverted, Like actually having conversation with somebody you've never
Speaker 1: met online is way worse than actually talking to somebody
Speaker 1: in person. So I think a lot of people would
Speaker 1: rather just kind of get to the point and like
Speaker 1: get to talking to people either on the phone or
Speaker 1: in person faster. But at the same time, I see
Speaker 1: people at the bar swiping like when they could be
Speaker 1: talking to people in real life. There are a few
Speaker 1: things that it does not matter how cute I think
Speaker 1: someone is or if their profile sounds really great. If
Speaker 1: you have one photo, I'm not swiping right on you
Speaker 1: because that's weird. If you refuse to fill out your section,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how cute you are, not swiping right the
Speaker 1: people who are like I'll fill this out later, I'm
Speaker 1: too busy, then don't be on here. Like if you
Speaker 1: don't have the time for that, I don't have time
Speaker 1: for you. Is kind of how I feel about it.
Speaker 1: I find that I have become more polarized in my
Speaker 1: political views. So even if someone identifies as being conservative,
Speaker 1: I swipe left. I have no interest in that, regardless
Speaker 1: of their specific views on Trump, Like I don't even
Speaker 1: want to hear it at this point, Like if you
Speaker 1: still identify as conservative, like I'm like, well, we're not
Speaker 1: a good fit. Which was not the case before. I
Speaker 1: was much more open. I come from like a really
Speaker 1: bad DNA of understanding what homosexuality is, meaning that when
Speaker 1: I was on the profiles some of the things that
Speaker 1: I would look for would be like masculine or like height,
Speaker 1: which now with the new like just political climate and
Speaker 1: what we're learning for and it's not something that I
Speaker 1: would probably look for now. Or my profile was very dumb.
Speaker 1: It was based on you know, if you just sing
Speaker 1: Lady Gaga, it said something like that all day, then
Speaker 1: please don't contact me. Um it really did say that.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure it did. But then you know, you
Speaker 1: play Rihanna and I like dance for a week after
Speaker 1: listening to one song, So I'm that person. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, but if it was now, I think it
Speaker 1: would be don't be an asshole, don't pursue that, you know,
Speaker 1: don't ask like are you hispanic, black or white? Just
Speaker 1: like meat before that happened, and you know, be funny.
Speaker 1: So the things that would keep me from either being
Speaker 1: interested or continuing a conversation with someone, Oh where do
Speaker 1: I begin? There's so many things. But first off, as
Speaker 1: the photo it depends on I honestly didn't need like, yes,
Speaker 1: it's nice to look at a good body, but that's
Speaker 1: not the first impression I wanted someone. I want an
Speaker 1: actual like just a good photo of their face and
Speaker 1: a smile. Um. Things that weird me out is that
Speaker 1: all of your pictures have sunglasses or hats, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: what are you hiding? I think the things that I
Speaker 1: was interested in the age and height. So mine was
Speaker 1: always like three above or two below, and that's you know,
Speaker 1: my range. Um, that was my comfort zone. I didn't
Speaker 1: want to get into like a six year old per
Speaker 1: person or an eighteen year old not not dealing with that,
Speaker 1: you know. Um. So I think having some sort of
Speaker 1: good personality in whatever they wrote. It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be super clever or funny, but just something to give
Speaker 1: me an inkling that you have a personality. So if
Speaker 1: I do write something or send a message, I have
Speaker 1: something to go on. Well for me, the very first
Speaker 1: rule is you cannot pick me up. We're not having dinner,
Speaker 1: We're not having a long it's drinks or coffee. I
Speaker 1: need to have an out and if it goes well,
Speaker 1: then I can invite you to extend and do something else.
Speaker 1: But if it doesn't, then I can go home. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be locked into a four hour
Speaker 1: activity with you and then it turns out you blow. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to know where I live. Obviously,
Speaker 1: that's why you can't pick me up. Um, I have
Speaker 1: to tell someone where I'm going. I send a screenshot
Speaker 1: of the face in whatever information I have about them.
Speaker 1: Someone always knows where I'm going. They know when I'm
Speaker 1: meeting them, they know where. And basically like, if you
Speaker 1: haven't heard from me by X amount of time, call
Speaker 1: the police. This is the person who took me. There
Speaker 1: was sucretarious. There was the I want to have sex
Speaker 1: and sure, let's do it. That's just meeting up, no
Speaker 1: names necessary, And then there was sometimes yeah, I'm free
Speaker 1: for all. And then there was a part that I
Speaker 1: did want to meet and that was super exciting because
Speaker 1: it would be like long conversations all night. If that happened,
Speaker 1: like if you're just like chatting for a very long
Speaker 1: time and it was like there was some sort of
Speaker 1: connection that was really fun. I really enjoyed that, And
Speaker 1: if that happened, then it would be coffee, short dinner,
Speaker 1: no movies. I've walked out in movies, um, or just
Speaker 1: to walk so you can, you know, engauge to see
Speaker 1: if that conversation online was real or in person, it
Speaker 1: just doesn't work. I think my rules usually centered around
Speaker 1: a a very casual group setting, like not with other people,
Speaker 1: but like a coffee shop or a bar, uh, something
Speaker 1: that had a like case you had mentioned, like a
Speaker 1: finite amount of time that you had to spend there,
Speaker 1: but if you wanted, you could order another drink, or
Speaker 1: if something was going really well, you could set up
Speaker 1: for later. I usually had some like plan for after
Speaker 1: so like I was meeting people, or like I was
Speaker 1: trying to schedule it so that I didn't have to
Speaker 1: stay that long, because I also I only wanted the
Speaker 1: like hour or to just to get to know if
Speaker 1: I really liked someone within it was worth repeating, not
Speaker 1: trying to extend it like all day. UM. I also
Speaker 1: think not having like a huge, like text conversation prior
Speaker 1: to a date is great just because that gives you
Speaker 1: things to actually talk about. I am worried about getting stuck,
Speaker 1: and getting stuck at a movie sounds like the worst
Speaker 1: because you're not having a conversation, you're not actually developing anything,
Speaker 1: figuring anything out about a person, so you're just there
Speaker 1: for two hours sitting in the dark with nothing to do,
Speaker 1: and then you have to have the rest of the
Speaker 1: date after that. So I always thought that was a
Speaker 1: horrible first idea or first date. UM. I always like
Speaker 1: to try something that I'm like into because I'm really
Speaker 1: in the coffee or try to get good beer because
Speaker 1: it's a fun thing to kind of like identify with. UM.
Speaker 1: And then you know, try to find a restaurant that's
Speaker 1: like the middle of the road. And you don't want
Speaker 1: to go too fancy too expensive the first time either,
Speaker 1: because I don't know you. I don't want to spend
Speaker 1: a lot of money the first time. I know it
Speaker 1: sounds cheesy, but I think everyone that I've ever met
Speaker 1: is a part of my story, so good or bad,
Speaker 1: it's been great. And I've met online the first person,
Speaker 1: the first boy I ever liked. Um, I met my
Speaker 1: past relationship, and I've met my current relationship, and they've
Speaker 1: I've met friends that were still connected. I've met people
Speaker 1: that I hated. But everything to be up from the
Speaker 1: good the bad, from the funny times, from the bad,
Speaker 1: photos from the bad, stories, from the terrible dates, bad sex,
Speaker 1: great sex. I think everything has been great. The past
Speaker 1: dating experiences, I think they've they've been great at like
Speaker 1: teaching me what I value about myself and what I
Speaker 1: want out of a partner. So I think the culmination
Speaker 1: of Olivan's great. Yes, there's definitely been a few where
Speaker 1: I'm like, I wouldn't want to repeat that, but um,
Speaker 1: I think overall, like most of the people that I
Speaker 1: ended up going on multiple dates with and not just
Speaker 1: like the first time, uh, we're all great additions to
Speaker 1: me deciding what I really want. I can't say any
Speaker 1: experience has been great, but I have remained friends with
Speaker 1: most of them. I've not dove that deep into online dating,
Speaker 1: so I haven't had that much success with it, and
Speaker 1: at this point, I still like talked to a good
Speaker 1: amount of people that I did talk to, But I've
Speaker 1: also had some very bad horror stories which were um,
Speaker 1: great stories to tell. So I did come out of
Speaker 1: something positive. The worst thing that happened, which it could
Speaker 1: happen for anybody, was a breakup that lasted all day
Speaker 1: at six Flags. So it started out before I went
Speaker 1: to six Flags, and I had some friends that were
Speaker 1: supposed to come along with me on this date, and
Speaker 1: in a Panera parking lot broke the news. I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't think I want to see you anymore. And
Speaker 1: I'll say, well, I mean, do you still want to
Speaker 1: go to six Flags? And it was yeah, And I
Speaker 1: was like, so the entire day was a therapy session
Speaker 1: of someone digging into my mind of like why this
Speaker 1: wasn't working. Also in the second group is Haley and Karen,
Speaker 1: who discussed how they met and also their own experiences
Speaker 1: in the dating world. Where else are you going to meet?
Speaker 1: I don't trust my friends. I hate leaving a date
Speaker 1: that you're ambivalent about because it's just so awkward, Like
Speaker 1: this was a pleasant evening, Yeah, I would be like,
Speaker 1: because like, usually it's people that you've chatted with at
Speaker 1: least a couple of days, so it was a little
Speaker 1: bit of attachment, even if it's not real. Um. I
Speaker 1: had very few dates that went great, Um a lot.
Speaker 1: Either I was more interested than they were I could tell,
Speaker 1: or they were way worn to me and I was not.
Speaker 1: So like it's kind of like I would do this thing,
Speaker 1: or I'd be like, this was fun, I'll see you
Speaker 1: the internet, and then I would never talk to them again.
Speaker 1: What is the worst part of Um, it's a it's
Speaker 1: a it's a grind, it's a slug, Like I have
Speaker 1: a friend who's very averse to it, and like it
Speaker 1: takes a minute to one. It's no guarantee to like
Speaker 1: it can take a while. Like there's just you never know.
Speaker 1: A lot of times I would find myself only matching
Speaker 1: with people that were passing through Atlanta. In the airport,
Speaker 1: I'd be like, of course you don't live here, so
Speaker 1: like duh um. But like I would have a couple
Speaker 1: of things We're like, oh my god, this course it
Speaker 1: seems great. Oh they're ten miles away there the airport.
Speaker 1: Oh they're never coming back. So that was kind of disheartening.
Speaker 1: Ghosting is okay if you're if you're essentially strangers, um,
Speaker 1: you know, like three or four dates you slept together,
Speaker 1: you know somebody something. But like if you had one
Speaker 1: bad date. I don't know if I need to tell
Speaker 1: her that, Like, let me show you the reasons why
Speaker 1: I don't want to spend any more time getting even
Speaker 1: to know you. I think what which seems to have
Speaker 1: shifted that there's now like now we're involving men in
Speaker 1: the conversation, right like every you know, any woman I
Speaker 1: know who is on online dating, who got the dick pick,
Speaker 1: who got the weird fetish email or whatever? We're you
Speaker 1: talk with your female friends and just be like do
Speaker 1: what is what is like? But like the fact that
Speaker 1: now it's just like we've been able to carve out
Speaker 1: a space to be like, dudes don't do that. Like
Speaker 1: when I first moved down, here was the whole elevator
Speaker 1: date nonsense in the skeptical community right with like literally
Speaker 1: somebody saying dudes don't do that was the end of
Speaker 1: the world. And so now I feel like we can
Speaker 1: say don't do that, and that's got to count for something.
Speaker 1: You have to keep it up in mind, which sounds cliche,
Speaker 1: but it's true. Um, sometimes people will surprise you. Um
Speaker 1: you have to be persistent, Like I guess you could
Speaker 1: go on one date off of being not on dating
Speaker 1: for a while and haven't been the best day of
Speaker 1: your life, but it probably won't happen. Um. It taught
Speaker 1: me a lot about resiliency to keep going back. Like, Um,
Speaker 1: I've had a few friends that were like, you know,
Speaker 1: you've been put the work into it to like meet
Speaker 1: somebody that you really like, Like you've gotta kiss a
Speaker 1: lot of frogs, blah blah blah. But it's true, like
Speaker 1: there's just so many people there's no way you can
Speaker 1: connect follow them. I would say the best thing about
Speaker 1: online dating is that you will eventually find somebody, hopefully,
Speaker 1: and then you'll get off of online dating. Well, I mean, like, look,
Speaker 1: a first date is a first date, and they are
Speaker 1: a special kind of treasure. Oh my goodness, even the
Speaker 1: like the bad ones are almost better than the good
Speaker 1: ones because the good ones, you're like, now I gotta
Speaker 1: go like again, and like, you know, like at that
Speaker 1: which point in time, you've got that three date minimum
Speaker 1: where you're like, you know, like, if you have a
Speaker 1: good first date, then you get a second date. If
Speaker 1: that one sucks you, you've got to break the tie.
Speaker 1: It does reveal certain unkind truths about yourself when you
Speaker 1: are like just scrolling through a catalog um as if
Speaker 1: they were like Russian brides or something right like, and
Speaker 1: it's you know, like you realize some of your biases,
Speaker 1: and like you realize like that maybe you know you've
Speaker 1: got a really strong type at a certain point when
Speaker 1: you like, you know, they're not going on dates or
Speaker 1: going on continuously bad dates where either you're rejecting that
Speaker 1: person and they're rejecting you. It gets a little bit
Speaker 1: of moralizing. So it was nice to be like, oh,
Speaker 1: not a troll, or like, oh, people do exist as
Speaker 1: long as long as you understand that it's an inherently
Speaker 1: ridiculous thing like any other human pursuit. Um. I think
Speaker 1: that there's the possibility for a lot of fun. It's
Speaker 1: it can be bruising, but at least they're not like
Speaker 1: injuring relationships with people, you know, like I get right,
Speaker 1: like your work is an awkward instead the internet's awkward,
Speaker 1: but it's already awkward. I would actually try to meet
Speaker 1: up sooner rather than later so you don't get attached
Speaker 1: to like this fake person or do you think they
Speaker 1: are lightning construction? You never know. So there's a whole
Speaker 1: world of experiences out there, right There is some common
Speaker 1: ground on their opinions on what size is good, what
Speaker 1: size is not great, what size to follow, the advice
Speaker 1: that they give to other people who are trying this
Speaker 1: whole whole phenomenon, because again it's getting harder and harder
Speaker 1: to meet people in real life. I r l as
Speaker 1: the kids right UM And disclaimer full disclosure. We are
Speaker 1: are word sponsored at one time by Okay keep it
Speaker 1: depending on when you're listening to this um. But Samantha
Speaker 1: did not lead anybody. This is their opinions were all
Speaker 1: their own. I mean, honestly, at the guest sponsorship is
Speaker 1: not important to me right now, so obviously I'm not trying.
Speaker 1: But it just kind of happened that Okay Cupid was
Speaker 1: a front runner when it allowed for more open types
Speaker 1: of relationships, whether it's to be able to say pick
Speaker 1: same sex or both sex, and then also to like
Speaker 1: I think they were able to say no to the opposite.
Speaker 1: So like, uh, I believe Karen. You'll hear Karen talking
Speaker 1: about the fact that she was able to say no
Speaker 1: to then and so they couldn't contact her. So I
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, that's cool. UM as where other sites,
Speaker 1: as we've heard before, wouldn't even allow that as an option.
Speaker 1: So yeah, okay, cute. But it's a front runner when
Speaker 1: it comes to being open and being an ally so
Speaker 1: that's cool. Yeah, yeah, very cool. And when it comes
Speaker 1: to you dating in I r L, which I do
Speaker 1: have some experience in what my so I, as I've
Speaker 1: said before, I'm not really into dating. What happens to
Speaker 1: me is something I call the trick date. A trick date.
Speaker 1: You what it's not? It's not just you? Oh no,
Speaker 1: I know, it is just common. I'm fairly certain it's
Speaker 1: become a way of avoiding rejection. So I think the
Speaker 1: best example I have of this in action is in college,
Speaker 1: somebody invited me to a study session, um, and it
Speaker 1: was supposed to be like a bunch of our classmates.
Speaker 1: And I get there and I'm the only one and
Speaker 1: he says, oh darn no one else could make it.
Speaker 1: Let's go get dinner. I was like, but the studies
Speaker 1: session and then we went to the student center and
Speaker 1: he was asking me all those date questions and then
Speaker 1: he forgot his student card and I had to pay
Speaker 1: for the special Yeah at a student center? Even better? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what? An old roommate of mine um. She
Speaker 1: was very religious, so at that time she wasn't quote
Speaker 1: unquote dating. Um. But there we were hanging out with
Speaker 1: a big group of people and someone was like, hey,
Speaker 1: we should all go to a movie or whatever whatnot,
Speaker 1: and she's like, okay, cool. He shows up and in
Speaker 1: his mind he had actually asked her on a date.
Speaker 1: In her mind it was a group thing, and she
Speaker 1: shows up and goes where is everybody? In response was what, Oh,
Speaker 1: it's just me and you. They go to the movie,
Speaker 1: come out. He asked for another day. She's like, honestly, though,
Speaker 1: I didn't know this was a date, and I'm not
Speaker 1: dating right now, which is something that we've made fun
Speaker 1: of both of them because I still know them really well,
Speaker 1: because I think it's hilarios that that's how it happened.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it happens a lot more than you think,
Speaker 1: because A I think we don't know how to ask
Speaker 1: out people. Yeah, that's one of the things. The newer
Speaker 1: phenomenon is the group dates, So you don't know if
Speaker 1: you're on a date or if you're just hanging out
Speaker 1: with people. So I don't quite understand that. Yeah, oh,
Speaker 1: I really think it's to avoid rejection. And also I
Speaker 1: do think there are instances where its legitimately a misunderstanding
Speaker 1: some persons, especially if you have feelings, like one person
Speaker 1: has feelings and another person doesn't. Right then I think
Speaker 1: you can cross. And I am very like I like
Speaker 1: hanging out. If you ask me to go do something,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go do it. Um And I think that
Speaker 1: gets interpreted as she likes hanging out with specifically me
Speaker 1: all the time, I mean. And then there's also the
Speaker 1: whole like, Amma on a date? Did you ask me up?
Speaker 1: I want us to be date, but I don't know
Speaker 1: if I'm on date? Like those moments too, when you
Speaker 1: have selped out of like what are we doing here?
Speaker 1: Am I supposed to be letting you pay? What is
Speaker 1: going on? Because are we? Yeah? And then that's kind
Speaker 1: of you know, life's language. Life's language very confusing. We
Speaker 1: have some more to talk about here, but first we
Speaker 1: have a quick break for words from our sponsor, and
Speaker 1: we're back. Thank you, sponsor. One thing I became really
Speaker 1: interested in in conversations with my mom and her kind
Speaker 1: of general bufuddlements around dating these days, thank you is
Speaker 1: the old first date versus the new first date. A
Speaker 1: teen study at the UK found that on average, women
Speaker 1: date five men before finding the one men date six
Speaker 1: women and these are all heteronormative as per use. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: both will have four truly horrendous dates, two long term relationships,
Speaker 1: and one partner that um they all live with before
Speaker 1: settling down. So this is kind of like the state
Speaker 1: of affairs in UK still very heteronormative, but I think
Speaker 1: that is different than it used to be. As more
Speaker 1: women enter the workforce and become career focused, that has
Speaker 1: been one of the changing factors that has really transformed
Speaker 1: the dating scene and just the relationship scenes and the
Speaker 1: role gender roles as has happened exactly. So if we
Speaker 1: look at dating these days, the first date, third date
Speaker 1: rule is gone. Um I remember this vaguely, like what
Speaker 1: was accepted on the first date and then by third
Speaker 1: date you should have done this. It's time to get down.
Speaker 1: It's not right, I believe so. But that's the problem
Speaker 1: too with the online dating thing is sometimes it goes
Speaker 1: so fast your third date, maybe week two, first part
Speaker 1: of the week too. Yeah, I've had that, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm still quite comfortable. And then again, hey,
Speaker 1: I've been a girl like date one. Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: awesome because I've had like a ten hour date with you.
Speaker 1: Let's go hang out some more. I mean I did that.
Speaker 1: It's okay, no shame in that game. I saw them
Speaker 1: again afterwards. We saw each other for a while, you know.
Speaker 1: But like that's the thing is, like it kind of
Speaker 1: goes the level of speed. The level of communication is
Speaker 1: so much faster because you have a focus online, Like
Speaker 1: you're not just testing the waters. We're here to date
Speaker 1: or we're here to hook up or were here to
Speaker 1: do something. So therefore that's already put out there, that
Speaker 1: works already out We kind of like each other now,
Speaker 1: let's see. So that's definitely part of the and that's changed.
Speaker 1: And also internet stalking or investigating, you know what, when
Speaker 1: it comes to dating, I am all about the internet investigations.
Speaker 1: I think this has something to do with the fact
Speaker 1: that I was a de facts or Department and Family
Speaker 1: Children's investigator for child abuse. So that's kind of one
Speaker 1: of my emos, Like it gets to the point as
Speaker 1: a social worker, I know this is completely completely different
Speaker 1: that I would like I really wish we could do
Speaker 1: psychological evaluations for people and be like, let me go
Speaker 1: ahead and find your mental health needs, because we're gonna
Speaker 1: go there first to see if we can mesh on
Speaker 1: the different levels of our different mental health needs. Um.
Speaker 1: But you know, there are other questions like are you married,
Speaker 1: because sometimes that's not said, um, are you with friend
Speaker 1: or are you with a friend quote unquote as in
Speaker 1: like the extra special person on the side that you
Speaker 1: don't know about. Do they have children? Okay? How many children? Okay?
Speaker 1: How many children that are influts? Okay? Are you a
Speaker 1: dad that stays with you know, or mom that has
Speaker 1: all of these histories with like five children with two partners?
Speaker 1: You know, like what is it? Are you in a
Speaker 1: polyamorous relationship? All of that. I'm all about investigating and
Speaker 1: every bit of those things because that's a good information
Speaker 1: to know it is. And that's something um yeah, dating, dating,
Speaker 1: the children whole other earlier. And there's also this paradox
Speaker 1: of choice, which is how when you have so many choices,
Speaker 1: it actually becomes overwhelming and it almost kind of narrows
Speaker 1: your choices, if that makes sense, makes it harder to decide.
Speaker 1: You become more and more picky, like you said before,
Speaker 1: like you have so many choices and be like, well,
Speaker 1: you're not as good as this one or that one
Speaker 1: or this one, which again you missed out on things.
Speaker 1: But it's also I remember when I was reading when
Speaker 1: I first learned about the paradox of choice. The example
Speaker 1: they gave was a sandwich shop, and there's way too
Speaker 1: many topics and your brain gets overwhelmed and you can't
Speaker 1: make a decision. All the things hold up the line
Speaker 1: and everybody gets angry at you. Um. And also the
Speaker 1: game of gamification of meeting someone, which you kind of
Speaker 1: touched on earlier. And I have seen friends of mine
Speaker 1: who will open um like tender or something, and they
Speaker 1: have no intention of dating anybody in the area. They
Speaker 1: just like looking through who's on there. It's always nice
Speaker 1: to see you met. You're like, oh dooey, wait who Yeah.
Speaker 1: I've had friends who are not like staying in Atlanta
Speaker 1: for one night, and they do it. It's just because
Speaker 1: I want to see I've also used the big like
Speaker 1: I went to France not too long ago and I
Speaker 1: was by myself. I was like, maybe there's someone here,
Speaker 1: not because I want to hook up with them, that
Speaker 1: can show me what to do in town. That's different
Speaker 1: than tourist the stuff. Sure, you know, and I know
Speaker 1: people use that in Atlanta as well. Yeah yeah, um.
Speaker 1: There's also this whole new language developed around dating and
Speaker 1: kind of specifically online dating, like ghosting, ghosting, you know it.
Speaker 1: I've always been fascinated by the idea of ghosting. I
Speaker 1: do it, and part of that is because I don't
Speaker 1: want to confront and or have any type of negative
Speaker 1: slash dramatic exits or whatever. And so the thought is,
Speaker 1: what are the rules of ghosting? Like I think we
Speaker 1: had on the montage you her talk about. You know,
Speaker 1: it's not technically ghost it's not necessarily mean if you've
Speaker 1: only been on a one or two dates and then
Speaker 1: you're just kind of ghost or fade away. Um. But
Speaker 1: I definitely read a story I think I was on
Speaker 1: Reddit a long time ago about a dude who was
Speaker 1: with his girlfriend for four years. They've lived together. He
Speaker 1: completely ghosted her, left the country without saying anything, came
Speaker 1: back for a job. But here's the best part. He
Speaker 1: was he got hired for a job. It turns out
Speaker 1: his ex girlfriend that he ghosted was his new supervisor.
Speaker 1: He didn't get that job. See I UM, I feel
Speaker 1: like it does depend on how many dates you've been on.
Speaker 1: I think there are situations where it's probably like if
Speaker 1: if in that case it had been there to have
Speaker 1: been abuse or something involved, goes away right. There's also
Speaker 1: swipe left, which is just kind of be kind of
Speaker 1: a thing of like nope, you know what, and you
Speaker 1: get into the habit and you do it so fast
Speaker 1: that sometimes you don't realize you're doing it. The only thing,
Speaker 1: like with Tinder, you have to buy the subscription to
Speaker 1: be able to go back, but on Bumbled you get
Speaker 1: three chances to like bring them back to look over again,
Speaker 1: three chances I think four hours. So it allows you
Speaker 1: to be like, oh my bad, because I've definitely been
Speaker 1: like nope, nope, nope, nope, no no. It means they
Speaker 1: know you know. It also comes the whole like super
Speaker 1: like phenomenon um. So you accidentally do a swipe that
Speaker 1: goes upward instead of side I think, and it's super
Speaker 1: Then you're like and you only get like one or
Speaker 1: two a day, And I did not mean and you
Speaker 1: don't want to be the person that goes back like
Speaker 1: I didn't mean the super like you. I didn't mean
Speaker 1: to like you at all. I didn't know about that
Speaker 1: you were talking about deep, like super like all these
Speaker 1: different types of like it's like at a star on
Speaker 1: it and everything, and then it immediately notifies the other
Speaker 1: person that you've been superl by this person. Oh that's
Speaker 1: another thing we can talk about, is the deep liking
Speaker 1: and people liking all of your Facebook photos. Didn't you
Speaker 1: guys how the first do a video about that? Oh? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's great. Yeah I saw it. Um, there's we've talked
Speaker 1: about dick picks picks all right. Yeah. I was like, look,
Speaker 1: here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna reasearch a little
Speaker 1: more about dick pis. I know that you had done
Speaker 1: some things on exhibition is on exhibitionism, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I just I want to know why
Speaker 1: did this even originate? Why who was the first person
Speaker 1: that said, yes, this is gonna get me a date. Yes, bro,
Speaker 1: this is gonna get me a pick. Like, I don't
Speaker 1: understand it. So, um, I know there's been a specific
Speaker 1: episode like we talked about, and I will say I've
Speaker 1: never been a victim of such stupidity, But what is
Speaker 1: the point. Okay, there's a little bit of me and
Speaker 1: like I didn't go on but at the same time.
Speaker 1: Please don't send me one. I don't want one. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and specifically we're talking about unsolicited, because if you want one,
Speaker 1: by all means have at it. Yeah, I mean. And
Speaker 1: according to psychology today, they speculate men fear sexual rejection
Speaker 1: and by sending pics of their genitalia they're almost getting
Speaker 1: pre approval quote unquote. The article was written by a
Speaker 1: male clinical psychologist, who also says, ultimately the answer here
Speaker 1: lies in greater dialogue with men and women over what
Speaker 1: they actually want in sexual communications and ends with the
Speaker 1: shaming and suppression of female sexuality is part of the
Speaker 1: issue here, as men don't feel they understand what women
Speaker 1: actually want sexually, and women don't feel they can express
Speaker 1: it safely. As a woman who enjoyed voice sex and
Speaker 1: it's pretty open about it, I don't want to dick
Speaker 1: pic in general, whether it is solicited or unsolicited, like whatever.
Speaker 1: If you ask me, I still don't want it. Um
Speaker 1: to me, it's not pretty. Maybe that's just not what never.
Speaker 1: Picture doesn't start my engine, as I would like to say,
Speaker 1: especially if I don't even know you. And I guess
Speaker 1: I mean, And I've talked to several men who are like, no,
Speaker 1: I've never just sent one out, but they've asked for
Speaker 1: women have asked for it, and I'm like, okay, that's
Speaker 1: cool because for me, I don't quite understand it, and
Speaker 1: that could be every bit of the sexual attraction. So
Speaker 1: for those women out there who have what made you? What?
Speaker 1: What is it that you like about it? Is it
Speaker 1: the same thing as I guess men like about seeing
Speaker 1: women's body parts? I would I'm sure there are people
Speaker 1: who do. Yeah, but I I bet there's also like
Speaker 1: a kind of power and is it okay? Because I
Speaker 1: know for the most part the reason things like, um,
Speaker 1: what is it the gray whatever? That? Yeah, any of
Speaker 1: those grays in there fifty are gray. Part of the
Speaker 1: thing was it would be a lot of hinting and
Speaker 1: the teasing and the tantalizing and like whatever. So in
Speaker 1: my head is like when it's written, it's much better
Speaker 1: to to have that and to actually see pictures. But
Speaker 1: maybe that's just yeah, me, I think it's I think
Speaker 1: it's again a lot of things, but probably like a
Speaker 1: power play like game chase sort of thing. Um, So
Speaker 1: one of the things too could be um de incentivized
Speaker 1: high risk romantic situation has been by high risk This
Speaker 1: is the fear of projection. Dating apps are easier and
Speaker 1: lower risk in terms of like, it was a stranger,
Speaker 1: so if it doesn't work out, no big, instead of like,
Speaker 1: this is a friend I have. If it doesn't work out,
Speaker 1: maybe we won't be friends anymore. Right. I actually have
Speaker 1: told my friends that to be careful when setting up
Speaker 1: China set me up with someone, because I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: not the easiest person to get along all the time,
Speaker 1: and if I don't like them, things get awkward real quick.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, if you want to stay friends with them,
Speaker 1: or you may just not want to. I have a
Speaker 1: pretty strictul with friends where I tell them I don't
Speaker 1: want to date your friends and it's nothing like plenty
Speaker 1: of your friends are wonderful. I just don't want to
Speaker 1: be in that situation. I don't want to mess up
Speaker 1: the vibe arientionship. That doesn't mean I haven't done it right,
Speaker 1: but in general I would rather avoid that, and I um,
Speaker 1: that is one of the easiest ways to meet people,
Speaker 1: so does remove Lack of labels is one thing that
Speaker 1: I have run into a lot, fear of being honest
Speaker 1: about desires like men who want casual sex afraid that
Speaker 1: they'll scare women away who don't want casual sex, women
Speaker 1: who want serious relationships, afraid they'll scare men away who
Speaker 1: don't want serious relationships. And you know, things can turn
Speaker 1: into different things. That's as you start dating someone longer.
Speaker 1: But that fear that you'll kind of shut down immediately. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's swipe because you said I want to casual sex.
Speaker 1: These are generalizations, but I did read a lot of
Speaker 1: accounts of that things. Well, I mean, yeah, you're absolutely right,
Speaker 1: I think uh. I now am very aware of looking
Speaker 1: to make sure it's not necessarily something that's polyamorous, which
Speaker 1: a lot of people are into, and that's cool for me.
Speaker 1: I can't do that. I already happened up anxiety with
Speaker 1: just one person. As in fact, I can't date multiple
Speaker 1: people at one point in time. If I date a
Speaker 1: few people at the same time, I need to concentrate
Speaker 1: on the one that I like the most first. Like
Speaker 1: that's how I do it, because I'm just I'm not
Speaker 1: good at prioritizing. Maybe I don't know, um, But with
Speaker 1: that also because in the old school days before the
Speaker 1: real like impact of online dating, when you had a
Speaker 1: relationship somewhere down the line. You have to have the
Speaker 1: dt R defining the relationship. Yeah, and whether or not
Speaker 1: are you friends? Are you moving forward? Are you still
Speaker 1: don't know? Is it's gonna be casual? Is this gonna
Speaker 1: be you know, serious? All of those things? Is this
Speaker 1: going to a direction of marriage? Usually that's the deeper level.
Speaker 1: So like, I don't know if I hear that as much,
Speaker 1: but I know with the whole dating world, online dating world,
Speaker 1: they do eventually have to get to that point. But
Speaker 1: the first conversation is are we exclusive? Oh? Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: And I don't think that was as much thought of
Speaker 1: beforehand because it was automatally, Yeah, of course we're exclusive.
Speaker 1: But where are we going with this? Now? It's are
Speaker 1: we exclusive? Have you turned off your site? Like for
Speaker 1: me one of my relationships, as a test of it
Speaker 1: was are you still on there? Because if you're still
Speaker 1: on there, then that makes you are still looking if
Speaker 1: we're not, if we're dating each other, the big significance
Speaker 1: is to shut down those sites. Oh wow, I haven't
Speaker 1: considered that. Um yeah, I do think it's funny that
Speaker 1: a lot of times when I've been kind of on
Speaker 1: these and these nebulous relationships, when the time comes where
Speaker 1: it's like clear that one party wants to date um,
Speaker 1: and then usually when they can tell that I'm not
Speaker 1: into it, they say, we don't have to label anything
Speaker 1: right now, right right. As for me, I'm like, I
Speaker 1: need to label things, but you don't want to. Okay, Fine,
Speaker 1: We'll just keep going for a little while until I
Speaker 1: find something better. You told me the other day that
Speaker 1: another term met cute. I didn't know what that was.
Speaker 1: You know what, that would be a really great dating app.
Speaker 1: I think we should do this because then we can
Speaker 1: make me a range for them for them to be
Speaker 1: at somewhere, and like they don't know who they're dating,
Speaker 1: but we know their personality. Oh, I think we just
Speaker 1: created a an app. We should we should do this.
Speaker 1: But yeah, meet cute meaning like you this accidental meeting
Speaker 1: that you have that purposely like puts you together. So
Speaker 1: I was talking to you because this is like a
Speaker 1: movie term I think, UM, where they run into each
Speaker 1: other as are trying to get to their wherever they're
Speaker 1: running late to and bust each other and then then
Speaker 1: all their stuff comes out and then oh, look they
Speaker 1: had the same book. It's meant to be. It's a
Speaker 1: meet cute and you have a conversation that's yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: there you go. Thanks for falling into place for me.
Speaker 1: You know, I got you, okay perfect. Um. Another thing
Speaker 1: that's gotten me in trouble is um Netflix and Chill,
Speaker 1: which I've talked about on this show before because I
Speaker 1: literally like, if you want to come over and watch Netflix,
Speaker 1: that's what we're gonna do. But it has this other meeting.
Speaker 1: So I've run into trouble where people come over clearly
Speaker 1: they thought something else is gonna happen. I'm like, I've
Speaker 1: never invited anyone over, but I used the terms all
Speaker 1: the time and they'd be like, no, that's not what
Speaker 1: you think of means that just that means I get
Speaker 1: to sit on the couch and watch chill TV, watch Netflix, right,
Speaker 1: and then not because I would say there's like I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go to Nextflix and chill with Peaches and they're like,
Speaker 1: excuse me, no, It was like, what what's happening? Yeah?
Speaker 1: That took me a minute too. Um. And it kind
Speaker 1: of relates to the non the no labels thing because
Speaker 1: I found um this quote from a Lana Massey. Chill
Speaker 1: asked us to remove the language of courtship and desire
Speaker 1: lest we appear invested somehow in other human beings. It
Speaker 1: is a game of chicken where the first person to
Speaker 1: confess their frustration and or confusion loses. I will say,
Speaker 1: I don't think I ever used that term, but I
Speaker 1: used to use the term hang out. That was a
Speaker 1: code coming out, you know, kind of making that a
Speaker 1: little calm loose. M hm hmm. It certainly does seem
Speaker 1: like a power play when the person who cares more
Speaker 1: has less power, right, I mean, I think I absolutely
Speaker 1: see that with my own perceptions in dating and relationships.
Speaker 1: When I see or seems it seems that I care
Speaker 1: more about something. I started retreating because I don't want
Speaker 1: to invest in something that's not worth investing or that's
Speaker 1: not going anywhere. And for me, I have a lot
Speaker 1: of emotions. Getting older, I got even more emotions. Um
Speaker 1: and I think as we come along, I'm like, at
Speaker 1: this point in time in my age, either I want
Speaker 1: to be with someone because want to be and that
Speaker 1: we can compromise, not because I have to. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean. I've never been that person that needs
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship, that needs to be married,
Speaker 1: that needs you know, these goals as we talked about
Speaker 1: the first episode. But at the same time, so therefore,
Speaker 1: if I'm doing this, if I'm investing in you, it
Speaker 1: means I am putting a lot more effort and there's
Speaker 1: a lot more risk for me. It fills you know,
Speaker 1: and then the heartbreak of if it just dies, vulnerability,
Speaker 1: it's gross. It's gross. Is it's part of life. Um.
Speaker 1: And so with this new dating realm, there are also
Speaker 1: some new rules that I and everybody's rules are kind
Speaker 1: of specific, which I like. But texting is one, like
Speaker 1: we text right, we don't really right. That's the thing.
Speaker 1: I think the old rules of phone calls have translated
Speaker 1: to texting. How long do you wait until you text? Though?
Speaker 1: How long do you wait to respond without being too overeager?
Speaker 1: I mean there was so I'm really like, I really
Speaker 1: like the new girl, which is Zoetael. I'm not necessarily
Speaker 1: for her, but for like all of the characters and
Speaker 1: one of the I think it's the first episode she
Speaker 1: sends a text to a guy as she's trying to
Speaker 1: find a rebound, and her being a QC self naike
Speaker 1: yourself has probably given like ten texts and two days
Speaker 1: being excited about plans in which the guy responds with, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's too many texts. I just wanted to sleep with her,
Speaker 1: and then he kind of ghosted her essentially and left
Speaker 1: her hanging. But unlike that, that's kind of the idea
Speaker 1: like how far, how much? How long? Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: And it's kind of the same lines that we used
Speaker 1: to have with phone calls, but now it's with the
Speaker 1: texts and the bubbles and the unread stuff. Too many things. Man,
Speaker 1: remember the phone calls though, the pain of if your
Speaker 1: dad answered, grabbed the line, and the and the well,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're older for those, I just
Speaker 1: remember thinking, Man, if I could just have my own
Speaker 1: phone line, all the cool because have their own phone line,
Speaker 1: Let me have my own phone line. I did not
Speaker 1: have my own phone line, and me either, But we
Speaker 1: were talking about MSN and chat rooms a o L
Speaker 1: before this. I I have something when it comes to
Speaker 1: texting that I like to call the Cold War. And
Speaker 1: this doesn't have to be romantic at all, but it
Speaker 1: has to do with um whoever has the power of
Speaker 1: the form of communication how often. And it's actually I
Speaker 1: usually use this more with my heterosexual male friends who
Speaker 1: have a serious relationship, where I'm worried that they're they're significant.
Speaker 1: Other might think that I'm like up to no good,
Speaker 1: so I let them dictate the form of communication. It's
Speaker 1: a cold war because they got the power, and I
Speaker 1: kind of just have to make sure that everything stays.
Speaker 1: You have to, yeah, you have to be less enthusiastic
Speaker 1: and no one reads into it. Yes, I think I
Speaker 1: did the same, just in general. With UM, guys that
Speaker 1: I date or i'm hooking up with. I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna text them. He's gonna text me first,
Speaker 1: and then I'll respond when I want to. That's a
Speaker 1: cold war. Um. Splitting the check. It used to be
Speaker 1: so rare for a man who has no relation um
Speaker 1: to a woman to pay for the check. It was
Speaker 1: seen as a sign of prostitution. People could get arrested.
Speaker 1: Really yeah. One study found that sevent men report feeling
Speaker 1: guilty they don't pick up the check on a date
Speaker 1: these days, and another found that seventy seven percent of
Speaker 1: male and female respondents agreed that men should pay on
Speaker 1: the first date. Really yeah. I have been on dates
Speaker 1: with women and we just kind of split it automatically.
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's the experience of most people.
Speaker 1: Please write in I'm pro splitting. On dates with men,
Speaker 1: I would usually suggest we split it. Some men were
Speaker 1: cool with that, others weren't cool with that are and
Speaker 1: as long as they were polite about it and not
Speaker 1: demeaning or sexist, I didn't really fight with them about Like,
Speaker 1: if you want to pay for me, okay, I'm the
Speaker 1: same way. I always usually asked split it um on
Speaker 1: the first date, no problem. If I have a second date,
Speaker 1: it kind of and again, this is the old fashioned,
Speaker 1: um weird way, but at least they should offer. I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily take it, but at least I just don't
Speaker 1: want to know that they're as generous as I would be,
Speaker 1: because in that same phase, if they happen to pick
Speaker 1: up that second check, I will pick up that third check,
Speaker 1: like I will actually take it off because I'm like,
Speaker 1: we're gonna be even in this. So for me though,
Speaker 1: that's kind of one of the ways I show love
Speaker 1: and friendship with people. It's like I'll pick up other
Speaker 1: people's checks and things for them, so kind of like
Speaker 1: that's the basis in my head, not that that's something
Speaker 1: that's necessary, but I guess because I still have that
Speaker 1: old school idea of dating that's kind of in my head. Um,
Speaker 1: but it's not a complete deal breaker. I think. Um.
Speaker 1: I definitely had those moments where I have offered to
Speaker 1: pick up a check and they're like yet cool without
Speaker 1: any hesitation. And when I'm when someone else is pick
Speaker 1: it up a check from me, I make sure to
Speaker 1: equal or do lesser of what they pay for, if
Speaker 1: that makes sense, if what they order. The couples that
Speaker 1: I talked with, they talked about immediately like, um, my
Speaker 1: friend Haley and her girlfriend Karen, we're talking about it's
Speaker 1: always split. Oh no, no, like it was just no
Speaker 1: doubt it is splitting. And that was Matt and Louise.
Speaker 1: They are like, um, they're like no to me, who
Speaker 1: actually wouldn't said the person who asks that they is
Speaker 1: the one that they always felt like should offer. But
Speaker 1: I say what I was split? Still? Yeah, yeah, they
Speaker 1: I see some new ones there. I I every time
Speaker 1: I would ask me and my ex we generally split, right,
Speaker 1: But every time I would ask to go to somewhere
Speaker 1: that's pretty expensive, then I would offer because I'm not
Speaker 1: sure you would have gone right. And that's the thing
Speaker 1: same thing for me, Like if I know I want
Speaker 1: to eat somewhere, and I know you're thinking you want
Speaker 1: to stay home, but I'm like, I need you to
Speaker 1: go with me. I'm going to pick up pick it
Speaker 1: up every time. And recently it's just been me want
Speaker 1: to go everywhere as I'm like, I'm gonna pay for everybody.
Speaker 1: It's fun. I just don't want to stay home and cook. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I understand. There's also dating multiple people at once. Now
Speaker 1: it's kind of more common. Well, as my friend would
Speaker 1: say it, it's building a team. Um, I'm actually really
Speaker 1: bad that has I already told you. I feel like
Speaker 1: if I see one spark of chemistry, I can only
Speaker 1: focus on that. But again, this may be why I'm
Speaker 1: doing this all wrong. Let's just say that so doesn't work.
Speaker 1: And as I researched, I found a plethora of articles
Speaker 1: for how to date multiple people out of time. Yeah. Um,
Speaker 1: they're all pretty much saying the same thing. So if
Speaker 1: you need to know about these articles, just google it.
Speaker 1: It essentially talks about taking your time, enjoying it, doing,
Speaker 1: not taking it too seriously, all that good stuff that
Speaker 1: you would probably think of when you're on your own. Um,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure as we know there are those pick
Speaker 1: up artists who can teach you some things. Please don't
Speaker 1: do that. But I'm just saying that's out there too,
Speaker 1: so be aware. Yeah. One one thing I found that
Speaker 1: I thought was really interesting is dressing for dates, like
Speaker 1: choosing your your wardrobe. Fashion experts have noticed since Me Too,
Speaker 1: trends have shifted away from sex appeal like straight up
Speaker 1: least sexy two, longer him lines, looser silhouettes. So I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's still sex appeal, but like more subtle sex appeal. Right. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they were talking about the red carpet blackout, um, the
Speaker 1: declining readings at the Victoria's Secret Fashion show, kind of
Speaker 1: the shift. I just hadn't considered that aspect of it,
Speaker 1: and I thought that was really interesting. I do remember that,
Speaker 1: like anxiety of what am I going to wear? I
Speaker 1: mean I have that every day. Still not me to
Speaker 1: like I'm like, what am I going to wear today?
Speaker 1: I mean I wear lipstick in the morning to offices
Speaker 1: that no one sees me up. But I'm like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I still have that Southern woman in me, where like dad,
Speaker 1: I put my face on. You can't go out without
Speaker 1: you putting your face on. Um, but you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily quit all this as a result of
Speaker 1: me too necessarily, but rather it's the continued misconception that
Speaker 1: women have to dress down to not be raped, or
Speaker 1: to be or to be seen as slutty. I think
Speaker 1: what we're seeing more and more are is that the
Speaker 1: backlash for rape apologists, I'm gonna leave it as that,
Speaker 1: or people who don't believe that this is a problem,
Speaker 1: who continue to try to blame women, as you shouldn't
Speaker 1: have been doing this, you should have done this, Why
Speaker 1: didn't you do this? What did you wear? And I
Speaker 1: think that's part of the unfortunate circumstances behind some of
Speaker 1: these things that women are like, okay, they cannot separate,
Speaker 1: not necessarily, not because they don't want to or they
Speaker 1: believe in it, but this misogynistic idea of how I
Speaker 1: dress is going to affect what happens to me, sure,
Speaker 1: and like how people view this right, And I think
Speaker 1: that's just coming more and more delight as we see
Speaker 1: more and more people and predators getting away with things
Speaker 1: are getting lesser, sentences are getting um so much empathy.
Speaker 1: Oddly enough, like Davos and all of the my own
Speaker 1: mother who won't talk about these boys that made these
Speaker 1: sad mistakes when women, you know, lead them on, you know.
Speaker 1: And I think part of that is not necessarily because
Speaker 1: it's may too, it's oh no, they are still thinking
Speaker 1: this way, and this has brought out the fact this
Speaker 1: is still an idea out there that people believe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do think there is another layer to it as well.
Speaker 1: And I say this as someone who I've said it
Speaker 1: many times on the show. I love dressing in a
Speaker 1: sexy outfit, right, I love it, right, But I also
Speaker 1: love dressing in comfortable outfit on occasion. And I think
Speaker 1: more and more women are owning the fact that I
Speaker 1: can dress from my own damn right, and I don't
Speaker 1: have to dress for what I think you want. And
Speaker 1: that is I just think there's a lot of things
Speaker 1: going on there. Yeah, yeah, the ins and out it
Speaker 1: really go from day to day. One day, I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm gonna just super sexy. Right next
Speaker 1: day I'm like, I don't care, I'm more swept back, right,
Speaker 1: just like the picture. I'm sure don't talk about bad
Speaker 1: you and your Harry Potter pajamas at a What a
Speaker 1: day that was? It was a lovely day was lovely.
Speaker 1: There's a couple of more rules I wanted to touch on.
Speaker 1: One is we all know that there is harassment online dating.
Speaker 1: We've been talking about it a little bit um, but
Speaker 1: apparently from a couple of things I read, putting feminist
Speaker 1: in your bio minimizes unsolicited explicit messages. Interesting, m Um.
Speaker 1: For my rules, first meetups are a small amount of
Speaker 1: time in date settings i e. Coffee or drink. Um.
Speaker 1: I don't give that phone numbers until after the second date,
Speaker 1: which is weird, I know, but I just feel like
Speaker 1: that's a direct contact that I don't want necessarily. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't Facebook friend them. I don't. There's no social
Speaker 1: media friending at all. I for a first date, I
Speaker 1: always send UM some point in the picture of the
Speaker 1: guy that I'm with, his name and where we're going.
Speaker 1: And honestly, and talking to my friends, women do this.
Speaker 1: I actually asked the men, have you ever done this?
Speaker 1: And they're like no, not really, Like we'll talk about
Speaker 1: as a conversation, but not as a thing for safety
Speaker 1: and for every woman that I've talked to that has
Speaker 1: been a thing like this is what we do, this
Speaker 1: is what we learned, This is no we know things
Speaker 1: have happened. I mean, essentially, that's kind of when it
Speaker 1: comes out to we don't trust strange men, and that's
Speaker 1: the way we have to learn to protect ourselves. Don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong, I've never had any issues where I've
Speaker 1: almost been kidnapped or anything. So you know, great, My
Speaker 1: case is, thanks guys. Thank the guys said that guys
Speaker 1: I went on dates with were not kidnapping me for
Speaker 1: being a good human. Thank you. Um. But yeah, but
Speaker 1: it's still that concern because you do hear enough and
Speaker 1: you do see enough that you're like, I have to
Speaker 1: put these really serious um requirements on this as well. Yeah. Um.
Speaker 1: Another thing I love how a lot of the people
Speaker 1: I spoke with have the like, if they have too
Speaker 1: many pictures with multiple people, if they have too many selfies,
Speaker 1: just like these very specific oh I do if you
Speaker 1: have more than two selfies, if you have a picture
Speaker 1: of yourself laying in bed okay, which I always found
Speaker 1: weird unless there's a dog in that picture. If there's
Speaker 1: an animal, and specifically dogs in these pictures, I'll allow it, okay. Um, now,
Speaker 1: also pictures in the car, like it's just random pictures
Speaker 1: of guys that um in the car. See I My
Speaker 1: theory is they work for uber Lift and they're just
Speaker 1: reusing a picture they had to take for that. Maybe
Speaker 1: there's a lot of those. There's a lot of those.
Speaker 1: And then gym pictures automatically no automatically no why why?
Speaker 1: And if there's only one picture with no description, Nope,
Speaker 1: I love it. You cat fishing me. I know it?
Speaker 1: Another another term, yes, um. So we have a little
Speaker 1: bit more for you listeners, but first we're gonna pause
Speaker 1: for one more quick break for a word from our sponsor.
Speaker 1: We're back, thank sponsor. So we did want to talk
Speaker 1: before we close out here about Bumble, specifically right Bumble. So,
Speaker 1: for those of you who may not know the history
Speaker 1: of Bumble, Whitney Wolf heard, the co founder of Tender
Speaker 1: founded Bumble shortly after leaving tender. Um Wolf heard sue
Speaker 1: Tender for sexual discrimination and harassment and settled and was
Speaker 1: able to get uh, like I said, a settlement due
Speaker 1: to the harassment that was happening from the other founder
Speaker 1: of Tender. So it was all this huge mass um.
Speaker 1: She then was approached by another dating site founder to
Speaker 1: develop Bumble. So this guy, I think had a successful
Speaker 1: business that started out in Russia. We're interesting, yeah, for
Speaker 1: those who are familiar with Bumble. They further expanded their
Speaker 1: site to include a bff app to find friends, and
Speaker 1: then the Bumble Biz and the Bumble partnered with the
Speaker 1: Anti Defamation League in an effort to remove users who
Speaker 1: display hate symbols in their profiles, which I thought was
Speaker 1: really cool, and the company launched bul biz, which also
Speaker 1: uses a woman first interface as an attempt to remove
Speaker 1: the soliciting nature and sexism that exists in the networking,
Speaker 1: which I thought was super super cool. And I will
Speaker 1: say they have had some really good press with handling
Speaker 1: trolls and jerks online who have harassed women and become
Speaker 1: overly aggressive. I think it's really fascinating to see that
Speaker 1: this has become one of the better sites for women.
Speaker 1: And when you talk to a lot of the women,
Speaker 1: they find this as a relief so that they don't
Speaker 1: have to deal with constant, constant like harassment if they
Speaker 1: don't want to, if it is at least they don't
Speaker 1: will protect them like. There's different levels of why this
Speaker 1: is a great site, once again developed by a woman
Speaker 1: which I love, who went through sexual harassment on her discrimination.
Speaker 1: So therefore brought that in as a platform to start
Speaker 1: a site. Um, I think it also it's good to
Speaker 1: mention that I don't think it allows and it could
Speaker 1: have changed. I'm gonna to look this back up for
Speaker 1: gay men to use it, because the whole idea is
Speaker 1: that women has the ability to approach first and take control. Now,
Speaker 1: lesbians they can use it. I did discover that, and
Speaker 1: they can just talk to each other. But in the
Speaker 1: heterosexual heteronormative idea is the woman they pick and a
Speaker 1: woman as to contact them. Now they're a little more
Speaker 1: strict because I'm really going to do this. You only
Speaker 1: have twenty four hours to talk to somebody, and if
Speaker 1: after that it's gone, why did you pay? Of course?
Speaker 1: But there's it's a really interesting concept and the way
Speaker 1: they're trying to expand it as bigger than just one option.
Speaker 1: I think it's a fantastic idea and I do love
Speaker 1: that it has that much control. So correction, producer Andrew
Speaker 1: just told me that the mail has the option if
Speaker 1: they four hour goes away, to give another day to
Speaker 1: the woman in order to try to get her to
Speaker 1: speak to him for free. Yeah, that's I did not
Speaker 1: know that either. I guess no one really wanted to
Speaker 1: talk to me. Oh no, I'm sure that's not it.
Speaker 1: One other thing that Samantha has been yes, is speed dating. Yes, y'all, y'all.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize this was a thing. Still, I didn't
Speaker 1: think it existed. And I'm so fascinated to see what
Speaker 1: this actually includes, as in fact, my friend dominates it
Speaker 1: me a link to it, which I have sent to
Speaker 1: Annie to be like you're ready, you're readic and she's like, no, no,
Speaker 1: And I love it. I think, what did I say
Speaker 1: that it has a UK flair? Flair which I don't
Speaker 1: hear what that was. And all I could think was
Speaker 1: they're going to curse that you a lot in an
Speaker 1: accident and offer you fish and chips if there's beer
Speaker 1: there in d I can't see how that's not a
Speaker 1: UK thing. So I'm gonna make her do this, and
Speaker 1: we're going to come back and tell you exactly what happened.
Speaker 1: I've done it before, I've never done this. This is
Speaker 1: such a phenomenon. I don't understand it, and I'm excited
Speaker 1: and nervous all at the same time. That's is like dating.
Speaker 1: That sounds like dating. We're gonna have fun. So that
Speaker 1: about banks us to the end of this this episode, Um,
Speaker 1: I had a tipp in here, but really all it
Speaker 1: is is communication, which is why, like I always come
Speaker 1: back to if you're not sure about something, ask It
Speaker 1: might be awkward, but both parties are probably like relieved
Speaker 1: to discuss it and you know what, again from the
Speaker 1: sound bite, you also heard people say just enjoy it
Speaker 1: and don't take it too seriously. So that's the biggest
Speaker 1: thing is coming whether or not it was the worst
Speaker 1: or the best experience, you come out with some good
Speaker 1: stories and just find the humor and that hopefully not
Speaker 1: like dangerous stories. Yeah, but I mean, like just like
Speaker 1: date with a guy that I had who liked to
Speaker 1: flick his tongue out at me every thirty seconds it
Speaker 1: but like all those things, you have really good stories,
Speaker 1: laugh about it and then you move on. Sure, laugh
Speaker 1: and laugh and laughs and live and tell everyone else
Speaker 1: about it. Maybe get a podcast and share all the secret.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us, Samantha listeners. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to write to us, if you want to
Speaker 1: share your dating experience, please do. Our email is a
Speaker 1: mom stuff at how stuff folks dot com. You can
Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast and on
Speaker 1: Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as always
Speaker 1: to our producer Andrew Howard. Thank you, Andrew, and thanks
Speaker 1: to you listen Kay