Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to stuff.
Speaker 1: And I've never told your protection if I hire ideas
Speaker 1: how stuff work. Today we're going to be talking about
Speaker 1: women and the Impossible Goal. And Samantha and I love
Speaker 1: a good title. So that's partly where this came from.
Speaker 1: And then it just trickled out into all the things
Speaker 1: that did it did um And I will say, as
Speaker 1: I was typing in possible Goal, the first thing that
Speaker 1: came up for like three pages was a goal scored
Speaker 1: by Robert Roberto Carlos and people like dissecting how it happened,
Speaker 1: how it happened. So we're not talking about that. You know,
Speaker 1: if we want to talking about goals like that, we
Speaker 1: want to talk about women's soccer. Would say you was say, yeah,
Speaker 1: ladies get paid. Yes, yeah, that's uh definitely topic of
Speaker 1: her upcoming podcast. Um. So when we're talking about the
Speaker 1: the impossible goal, I think as women, we have a
Speaker 1: tendency to set goals for ourselves that are in fact impossible,
Speaker 1: So we are setting ourselves up for failure. And it
Speaker 1: reminds me of this song that I used to sing
Speaker 1: at karaoke. Yeah, it's not surprised to me that I
Speaker 1: am my own worst enemy. Everybody sing along it's stuck
Speaker 1: in your head that lit song Yeah I don't like
Speaker 1: you right now, Well is never going to be in
Speaker 1: my head. Well you did it. A lot of people
Speaker 1: wrote in about that other song you sang in the
Speaker 1: routine episode, So that's what I don't want to earward
Speaker 1: that again, don't move on. So we're sabotaging ourselves, essentially,
Speaker 1: and part of that is trying to get past unfair
Speaker 1: expectation society has on women. Um, this all female cast
Speaker 1: movie better be good or we're never making another one again,
Speaker 1: even though there's a lot of all male cast movies
Speaker 1: that aren't very good and they get made all the time,
Speaker 1: and in trilogy and all of it happens, and some
Speaker 1: of those expectations we've internalized and put on ourselves. And
Speaker 1: I would say this whole nonsense of having it all
Speaker 1: is also a way of setting us up for impossible
Speaker 1: goals and failures. Which, by the way, did you know
Speaker 1: it was actually based on a book by Helen Gurley Brown.
Speaker 1: I feel like I did know. Yeah, I think you
Speaker 1: need to two. She wrote, Having it All Love, success, sex, money.
Speaker 1: Even when you start with nothing. And you know what, O,
Speaker 1: I can understand this need for motivational pushing for women
Speaker 1: at that point in time, because at that era we
Speaker 1: were still doing the housewife, being at home whatever the
Speaker 1: work right, and and still obviously seen as second class
Speaker 1: in the working world. And I say that very generically. However,
Speaker 1: now that seems almost like as a curse. And this
Speaker 1: whole idea of if you're not at this point in
Speaker 1: life and at this goal, then what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1: Kind of concept um, which again is sabotaging yourself in
Speaker 1: this whole impossible goal of you must. And by the way,
Speaker 1: it's also this one set of you need to be
Speaker 1: perfect that sucks. You need to be perfect at getting money,
Speaker 1: you need to be perfect at being a wife, you
Speaker 1: need to be perfect being a partner, all those things bullshit.
Speaker 1: But that's also one of those ways of like, why
Speaker 1: is this set on women? And it is specifically geared
Speaker 1: towards those who identify as female. Yeah, and it has
Speaker 1: huge implications. Think of all the women who previously haven't
Speaker 1: run for office are applied to leadership positions, um and
Speaker 1: because they believe they aren't qualified, that they aren't good enough. Um.
Speaker 1: Men in power but just eating women's bodies, being in
Speaker 1: these positions for women, those aren't impossible goals, they aren't.
Speaker 1: But being perfect in those roles that isn't impossible. Synatric
Speaker 1: Hairsten Gillibrand actually talks about it as well and and
Speaker 1: rewarding it to be doing it all, which still seems
Speaker 1: kind of impossible, but hey, you can do it. And
Speaker 1: an important thing to say here is sometimes we tell
Speaker 1: ourselves a goal is impossible when it isn't, like in
Speaker 1: this case, like you can run for office, um, but
Speaker 1: it's it's the perfection part that makes it impossible in
Speaker 1: those roles. But also a lot of things I looked
Speaker 1: up said, um, you get into this self help arena
Speaker 1: of don't nothing is impossible. Some things are impossible, right,
Speaker 1: but that I don't want to put any limits on
Speaker 1: any way, like ask yourself why you think something is impossible.
Speaker 1: As well as the fact that we have to remember
Speaker 1: you're you're all is different from other people's all, so
Speaker 1: ho having at all the impossible goal is very, very different.
Speaker 1: And what we're talking about is that that standard of
Speaker 1: feeling like we might fail and then we um going
Speaker 1: to utter deep hole because we failed in some way,
Speaker 1: which is going to be inevitable. You're going to fail
Speaker 1: at something, and that doesn't have to be such a
Speaker 1: bad thing. It's not. It's a learning experience. You get up,
Speaker 1: you move on, keep going. I wish I could remember
Speaker 1: because this was a very formative memory of my life.
Speaker 1: I wish I could remember this formative memory. I wish
Speaker 1: I could remember what book it was from. But I
Speaker 1: was reading this book when I was nine years old,
Speaker 1: and it had this line in there that said, the
Speaker 1: unfortunate truth for American children is that they're told all
Speaker 1: of their dreams are possible, but they aren't. You read
Speaker 1: this and it was comparing like the American dream to
Speaker 1: it's like in the UK, kids aren't told that. I
Speaker 1: just remember being devasta. Oh no, no, I can't. This
Speaker 1: is the wool is been over my eyes this whole time,
Speaker 1: foolish nine year old Annie. Um. And I did want
Speaker 1: to add in here too, there are some goals that
Speaker 1: I would say are near and possible, Um, that you're
Speaker 1: essentially setting yourself up for failure with these two are
Speaker 1: are that they're unhealthy to try to achieve. Like for me,
Speaker 1: the cool girl one is a good example because I
Speaker 1: tried to do that for so long, and I succeeded
Speaker 1: for a little bit, and it wasn't healthy. And just
Speaker 1: like that constant you were like falling and always trying
Speaker 1: to catch yourself. Right. The same thing for me with
Speaker 1: being like the perfect Christian girl when I was very
Speaker 1: caught up in that in college and feeling like I
Speaker 1: was failing all the time and feeling depressed because I
Speaker 1: couldn't meet that standard of being the subservient. And not
Speaker 1: that all religions are like that, not that all I'm
Speaker 1: not everybody's practicing Christianity is like that, but in my
Speaker 1: specific sect, we're supposed to be the supporter and and
Speaker 1: you know, the encourager and the and the good person
Speaker 1: that you know sits back and supports at home type
Speaker 1: of thing. And obviously, I think if you've gotten a
Speaker 1: little taste of my personality, that is not who I am,
Speaker 1: thank God, And so feeling like I was failing at
Speaker 1: that watching other women who can do that and who
Speaker 1: are great at that and who love doing that great,
Speaker 1: it just wasn't me, right, Yeah, And that that's the
Speaker 1: comparison trip right, right. But let's let's talk about self
Speaker 1: sabotage here, because that's that's kind of what is going
Speaker 1: on or as part of this whole impossible, whole thing. Um.
Speaker 1: Self sabotaging behavior is pretty much what it sounds like,
Speaker 1: any type of behavior that gets in the way of
Speaker 1: a goal that you've set up for yourself. Uh, and
Speaker 1: we can do it in pretty much any part of
Speaker 1: our life, relationships, at work. Some of the most common
Speaker 1: ways we sell sabotage procrastination, stress eating, self medicating with
Speaker 1: drugs or alcohol, and or interpersonal inflict. And I self
Speaker 1: medicate for sure, and then I stressy because I medicated
Speaker 1: away my judgment. So you do the four o'clock for
Speaker 1: a Chinese ordering, Yes, that steals from you. Yes, yes.
Speaker 1: And in fact, there's a joke around the office because
Speaker 1: people I know which places will deliver to you at
Speaker 1: four am and it's only three and they don't have
Speaker 1: the best menus. People make fun of me for eating
Speaker 1: from that place. Yeah, that's what kind of shady places. Um.
Speaker 1: I think we can all say we all have habits
Speaker 1: of self sabotaging. I mean, we see our old habits
Speaker 1: that are obvious sides of our fears and insecurities, and
Speaker 1: it's very quick almost our go to reaction. And typically
Speaker 1: these behaviors are really small, but they add up. Sometimes
Speaker 1: they start small and they escalate, and you might catch
Speaker 1: yourself thinking, well, why do I do this to myself?
Speaker 1: Why do I keep putting myself in these situations? Why
Speaker 1: can't I learn things like that right? And that begs
Speaker 1: the question why do we do these things? Why do
Speaker 1: we purposefully get in our own way? When you think
Speaker 1: about it, it doesn't on the surface makes sense, but
Speaker 1: experts have some suggestions. A big one is self worth.
Speaker 1: If you don't believe you are worthy of success, you
Speaker 1: might get in your own way, and this usually coincides
Speaker 1: with feelings of inadequacy that push you to work harder,
Speaker 1: which is interesting because you're working harder, but also you
Speaker 1: don't think you're succeeding um. And when that hard work
Speaker 1: does result in some type of success, that's when the
Speaker 1: self sabotage typically comes in. And we see this manifest
Speaker 1: in so many ways. For women, we feel like we
Speaker 1: have to constantly prove ourselves, but that we never are enough,
Speaker 1: that we haven't earned success in some way it was
Speaker 1: a fluke. It was because our boss thinks are pretty
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome runs yeah and again with the the impossible goal.
Speaker 1: If you have set yourself up for something that you
Speaker 1: can't get to, I feel like it's it makes sense
Speaker 1: to me why you would sabotage yourself then, because then
Speaker 1: you are controlling the fact that you can't from you
Speaker 1: can have an excuse about why you feel exactly. Um,
Speaker 1: and that is that is another reason. We'll come back
Speaker 1: to you. But how does this work? How do we
Speaker 1: convince ourselves we're a failure when we have all of
Speaker 1: these signs were not. People have asked me this like
Speaker 1: in person because they've heard the podcast and said, I
Speaker 1: cannot believe you think when you've clearly done this, this
Speaker 1: and this, and oh, I can tell you. It's cognitive dissonance.
Speaker 1: If we believe we are a failure to start with,
Speaker 1: If our self worth is low, but we have accomplishments
Speaker 1: to show that we're not, our brain corrects that inconsistency
Speaker 1: by sabotaging ourselves by giving ourselves proof. No, see I
Speaker 1: failed here, see so I am a failure. Um. And
Speaker 1: this comes back to those studies that have shown that
Speaker 1: girls who do worse in math because they internalize message
Speaker 1: that girls are worse at math, so they don't want
Speaker 1: to prove out the stereotypes, so you sabotage yourself purposefully.
Speaker 1: You didn't try, therefore you can't. It doesn't confirm the
Speaker 1: stereotype necessarily. And I did. I did the same thing.
Speaker 1: I uh. Math was my favorite subject in school, and
Speaker 1: then I got to high school and it became just
Speaker 1: very like somebody outright told me girls don't like math.
Speaker 1: Boys don't want to date girls. That's like math. And
Speaker 1: of course at the time that was my whole world.
Speaker 1: I mean, actually said that to you. A teacher said
Speaker 1: that to me. That's such an archaic idea. What ye
Speaker 1: teacher said? That's me? Was it male and female? Female? Really? Yes,
Speaker 1: she said, all the boys won't like it. You're gonna trend.
Speaker 1: They're like being smarter. But that's super weird. Oh yeah.
Speaker 1: And I dropped out of it had a huge impact.
Speaker 1: I stopped taking calculus. It was my favorite subject. Is
Speaker 1: heartbreaking and and and the dude did tell me because
Speaker 1: I was beating him, and he picked on me and
Speaker 1: got his friends to become me what a dick. That's
Speaker 1: just that's just a plain out dick. He was not. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Another big reason is control control over failure. If the
Speaker 1: possibility of failure is too real, too scary. You might
Speaker 1: engineer it yourself, and yeah, that's a big motivator or
Speaker 1: the like thereof the fear of failure and rejection. I
Speaker 1: feel like that's one of my big things. I'm an
Speaker 1: all or nothing, so if I'm not the best at it,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it, which is an absurd idea.
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of my friends, my female
Speaker 1: friends in particular. I'd have to think about my male friends,
Speaker 1: but a lot of my female friends are too, that's interesting.
Speaker 1: Perceived fraudulence is another big one. It's very similar to
Speaker 1: imposter syndrome. The further up you climb in whatever ladder,
Speaker 1: the farther you have to fall. So the more responsibility
Speaker 1: you have, the more people depending on you, the more
Speaker 1: people you have to let down if you fail. So
Speaker 1: the more people that think of you as successful, the
Speaker 1: more you call yourself successful, the more you might attract
Speaker 1: the attention of people who could call you a fraud,
Speaker 1: who in your mind, will see through you, will see
Speaker 1: you for the failure you believe that you are. So
Speaker 1: you feel like a fake and you're worried. The more
Speaker 1: attention you draw to yourself the more people will realize
Speaker 1: that you are a fake, that you are a failure,
Speaker 1: so you sabotage yourself. If something makes you feel like
Speaker 1: a fake, you're less likely to do that thing and
Speaker 1: more likely to do anything else to distract yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm feeling a little bit attacked right now. This is
Speaker 1: an interview. Just just say I just feel a bit attacked.
Speaker 1: So slowly your row. I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: can connect with consistency and familiarity. If you're used to failing,
Speaker 1: if you're used to being abused, neglected, and mistreated, you
Speaker 1: might put yourself in that position again because while it
Speaker 1: might not make you happy, consistency is comforting the devil,
Speaker 1: you know, as they say, right, and this goes in
Speaker 1: line with the generational abuse. It's this whole idea um
Speaker 1: that if it's normal, then it's better than what you
Speaker 1: don't know. So it becomes a cyclical thing. You've seen
Speaker 1: this in your family, you've seen this in your childhood,
Speaker 1: so this is what this is, correct, and you move
Speaker 1: on because it's more comforting, oddly enough, to have something
Speaker 1: that you know, you know what's going to be the outcome. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and if you I feel like if you've experienced a
Speaker 1: lot of failure and that can get you down right absolutely,
Speaker 1: then you just feel like almost like not trying your hardest,
Speaker 1: because that's that's a pessimistic view. That's my world view.
Speaker 1: A lot of the times, I'm like, well, if I
Speaker 1: expect less, then I'll be pleasantly surprised if it's better
Speaker 1: than that. My saying in high school was expect the worst,
Speaker 1: hope for the best. Yes, yes, And that has always
Speaker 1: been the thing for me, and like, okay, I'm want
Speaker 1: to come in thinking that's going to be awful, and
Speaker 1: then when it's not gonna be like, oh that's cool,
Speaker 1: that's a good day, which is an awful habit, y'all.
Speaker 1: Self sabotage is also a convenient scapegoat, so when things
Speaker 1: go wrong, you can blame your self sabotaging behavior as
Speaker 1: opposed to you yourself, Like, for instance, I failed because
Speaker 1: I'm a procrastinator, when inside you might really be thinking
Speaker 1: I've failed because I'm not smart. So procrastinating is easier
Speaker 1: than admitting that you don't want to. I mean, I've
Speaker 1: known people that have done it, but in a conversation
Speaker 1: it's easier to be like, oh, I put that off
Speaker 1: to the last minute, so I didn't do a good
Speaker 1: job as ipposed to I just feel like I'm not
Speaker 1: very smart. Put together yeah, put together quickly? Yeah, Um, boredom.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we want some excitement, so what do we do?
Speaker 1: We stir up some trouble and sabotage ourselves. But yeah,
Speaker 1: the whole drama idea, you need a little more excitement,
Speaker 1: so therefore you cause a little fuss. Yeah, And I
Speaker 1: feel like in that case too, there's usually something you're
Speaker 1: avoiding that's scaring you. But to be fair, there are
Speaker 1: definitely those males out there that looked like to just
Speaker 1: pick a fight for no damn reason. Oh sure, I
Speaker 1: think this is pretty equal opportunity. And so the drama
Speaker 1: queen is unnecessary title because anybody keep it could be
Speaker 1: a drama queen and we'll just put that as a
Speaker 1: title as a whole non gender. Yeah, for sure. I
Speaker 1: feel like drama queen is very much another way of
Speaker 1: gas lighting, or it has been used that way. Yes, Ultimately, though,
Speaker 1: most self sabotaging behavior stems from fear of failure, trying
Speaker 1: your best and failing, um, not being enough even when
Speaker 1: you gave it everything you have it's a protective behavior.
Speaker 1: Fear activates a stress response, which leads us to take
Speaker 1: actions to protect ourselves from being hurt, in this case,
Speaker 1: usually emotionally. Um. And you may have heard this called
Speaker 1: the paper tiger, the fact that we're not really having
Speaker 1: to deal with tigers anymore, but we have all these
Speaker 1: susters at work, and our body is interpreting them. Our
Speaker 1: brain is interpreting them like we used to interpret bikers.
Speaker 1: How did we interpret tigers? Okay, okay, okay, making sure
Speaker 1: I'm on I'm on the same track, right. I don't
Speaker 1: want to be like, can I just hug it and
Speaker 1: then it moulds my face? Um? I guess that would
Speaker 1: be the tyger idea because it moulds your face. Uh yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of that also stems from
Speaker 1: just the fear of rejection in general, I know, and
Speaker 1: abandonment issues for me. If I fail that me someone
Speaker 1: doesn't like me in my mind, or someone's not gonna
Speaker 1: like me, or someone's gonna be disappointed with me or
Speaker 1: disapprove of me, and all of those things mean I'm
Speaker 1: going to be rejected. And that's kind of that whole.
Speaker 1: As long as I'm great at it, I'll do it.
Speaker 1: If I'm not good at it, or if I don't
Speaker 1: know if I'm gonna be good at it, I won't
Speaker 1: do it. It's such a weird concept, but I think
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people who have that basis that
Speaker 1: it kind of just that a nenus of I need
Speaker 1: to be light or being in a positive manner. So
Speaker 1: if these are things that make me look bad, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to do it. Yeah, And I do think
Speaker 1: for a lot of of women or other um marginalized people,
Speaker 1: you do feel that pressure to be like, I don't
Speaker 1: want to do a bad job, and then they think
Speaker 1: all women do a bad job because women aren't common
Speaker 1: in this particular occupation or something like that. So you
Speaker 1: do feel an increased pressure and an increased fear of failure,
Speaker 1: and that might keep you from trying and all, which
Speaker 1: is terrible. And then the whole competitive nature of if
Speaker 1: I do something, I have to be better at this
Speaker 1: than this person, and typically it's males, like I have
Speaker 1: to be better at them to show that I'm actually
Speaker 1: because honestly, you're not gonna get recognition unless that is
Speaker 1: the case, right, and you're probably judge more harshly and
Speaker 1: that's another part of this whole impossible goal thing. If
Speaker 1: we're competing against a system that's not necessarily you set
Speaker 1: up as exactly anyway. All right, we have some more
Speaker 1: for you, But first we're going to pause for a
Speaker 1: quick break for a word from a sponsor, and we're back.
Speaker 1: Thank you sponsored, and we're gonna talk about relationships. When
Speaker 1: it comes to relationships, this fear of failure often gets
Speaker 1: tied up with if you're a projection like you were
Speaker 1: talking about, Samantha, and I feel this stuff all the time.
Speaker 1: If the person sees me for the real me, they
Speaker 1: will leave. I am not lovable. So we take this
Speaker 1: sabotaging behavior and incorporate it into our relationships because if
Speaker 1: we believe that stuff deep down, we don't want someone
Speaker 1: in our minds to prove it by leaving us. That hurts.
Speaker 1: That hurts. It hurts anyway, but that really it hurts
Speaker 1: um And we don't want to have to face the
Speaker 1: emotional trying truth either way, like either it is true
Speaker 1: and that's awful, and it's not true by the way,
Speaker 1: but you believe it to be true, so you feel
Speaker 1: it all right, isn't true and you have to face
Speaker 1: when you feel that way either way, it's difficult. Um.
Speaker 1: Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can manifest by going all
Speaker 1: in too quickly and then retreating, having sex too early
Speaker 1: and feeling resentful about it, making too many demands. I mean,
Speaker 1: I think it also could be slush shaming yourself. I
Speaker 1: think people have this whole issue of why did I
Speaker 1: do that? Oh my god, I'm a slot. He's gonna
Speaker 1: see me as a slut. I'm doing this as in
Speaker 1: this and this and and that's kind of self sabotaging
Speaker 1: instead of just enjoying, embracing whatever happened. Right, it could
Speaker 1: be a beautiful moment. At the same time, Yes, it
Speaker 1: could be too quick. According to some psychologists, self sabotaging
Speaker 1: behavior is one of the primary reasons most of us
Speaker 1: who don't want to be sing goal are single, and
Speaker 1: three main beliefs her to blame. I'm better our single,
Speaker 1: I don't have time to date, or I'll probably just
Speaker 1: get cheated on. I think that last one is real, real, harsh.
Speaker 1: It is I have a friend who operates under that.
Speaker 1: UM Perhaps the maker listeners. So when it comes to
Speaker 1: professional setting, we've outlined some ways the impossible goal of
Speaker 1: perfession keeps us from success and oftentimes even trying, like
Speaker 1: the imposter syndrome. Some other ways women specifically self sabotaged
Speaker 1: themselves at work are thinking too small, allowing concern about
Speaker 1: failure to overwhelm us and prevent us from progressing, trying
Speaker 1: to do it all, trying to do it all, putting
Speaker 1: litementations on ourselves, like yes, not being truthable about our desires,
Speaker 1: and comparing ourselves to other women or to our younger selves,
Speaker 1: and bringing down other women, which is so sad and
Speaker 1: so ugly, Like in general, that could be said for
Speaker 1: all of that, not just in professionalism, but having to
Speaker 1: take down other women for our own whatever. That's true,
Speaker 1: and you can really apply that to relationship relationships, because
Speaker 1: I feel like the same way in relationships when someone cheats,
Speaker 1: as we were talking about, they're quick to blame the
Speaker 1: women I know, and I think I'm very much like Nope, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I remember in high school we had that situation where
Speaker 1: two good friends of mine and this one dude and
Speaker 1: the women got mad at each other, and I got
Speaker 1: pissed at the dude. I was like, this is all
Speaker 1: your fault. You asked, right, But that's the thing is
Speaker 1: that it's so quick. Why is that the first concept,
Speaker 1: like the first ideas it's her fault. We're so geared
Speaker 1: and we're so taught that we have to fight each
Speaker 1: other instead of being there to uplift each other. Is
Speaker 1: absurd and celebrate one another because it's this whole idea
Speaker 1: that can only be one, is it? Like what is
Speaker 1: the outlander? Highland? Yeah? Highlander? But you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: the whole idea is like that can't be more than
Speaker 1: one successful woman. That's too many. That's too many, that's
Speaker 1: too many. Yeah, it's just another instidious way of keeping
Speaker 1: usistic world. And U I wanted to touch briefly on
Speaker 1: self destructive behavior. We talked a little bit about this
Speaker 1: and our Trauma mini series and self sabotaging behavior can
Speaker 1: verge on are become self destructive, They're they're pretty similar.
Speaker 1: And there has been some recent science around why we
Speaker 1: do this when in theory, we are hardwired evolutionarily to survive,
Speaker 1: So why would we be doing these destructive things? Um.
Speaker 1: A lot of this was this recent research was looking
Speaker 1: into things like global warming. Uh. Some experts suggest that
Speaker 1: people who engage in self destructive behavior might actually feel
Speaker 1: things more strongly than others. And this is all very
Speaker 1: new research, but interesting stuff. More researchers needed, UM and
Speaker 1: then Springs is too perfection. Serena Williams wrote an essay
Speaker 1: related to all of this that I love, and here's
Speaker 1: a quote from it. I want to make it clear
Speaker 1: that perfection is an impossible goal and should never be
Speaker 1: a true pursuit in life. While I think all women
Speaker 1: are superheroes, we are not superhuman, and we need each
Speaker 1: other's support. We need to give each other grace when
Speaker 1: we fall short. And when society sets unrealistic expectations on
Speaker 1: our workplaces or our workplaces have antiquated rules, we must
Speaker 1: span together and fight for what's fair. Did you read
Speaker 1: the new article from her UM, so you know. Serena
Speaker 1: Williams was on Harbor Bazaar and she addressed the issue
Speaker 1: with the controversy last year about the bad calls essentially,
Speaker 1: and she talked about the fact that she felt so
Speaker 1: guilty that she needed to uh text Naomi Osaka, her opponent,
Speaker 1: to apologize. And it was really really nice to see
Speaker 1: this whole concept. Even though I think she was absolutely right,
Speaker 1: I think it was a sexless call. All of those things. Um, However,
Speaker 1: she was like, I did get really worried. It was
Speaker 1: in my head that I ruined this woman's moment who
Speaker 1: did a phenomenal job. And that's the one thing I
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure about anything I felt guilty, And
Speaker 1: this is the one thing I regret. This is all
Speaker 1: paraphrasing obviously, that this was taken away from her, her victory,
Speaker 1: and she's just in a response, and and Osaka's response
Speaker 1: was fantastic when she was like, yeah, keep trail blazing,
Speaker 1: keep keep going, and this needs to be said. A
Speaker 1: lot of these things are. You're right, this is a
Speaker 1: sexist industry essentially. So I do love that and that
Speaker 1: her own talk about imperfection and when we see her
Speaker 1: as an iconic goal from many many athletes see her
Speaker 1: as the iconic goal, She's like, this is where I failed,
Speaker 1: and this is where I can call out my own mistakes.
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, that's that's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Speaker 1: Love women love each other. Something else, Amy Poehler. Something else.
Speaker 1: Amy Poehler said, yes, Um, she has a lot of
Speaker 1: quotes about this. One of my favorites is what else
Speaker 1: are we going to do? Saying oh, say no, to
Speaker 1: an opportunity that may be slightly out of our comfort
Speaker 1: zone quite our voice, because we are worried it is
Speaker 1: not perfect. I believe great people do things before they
Speaker 1: are ready. Amy Poehler. I want to be her friend.
Speaker 1: I just want her to come tell me inspirational things
Speaker 1: like that. Do you have I wonder if we can
Speaker 1: put this in the budgets maybe, I mean probably know? Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I mean that is that is a good question
Speaker 1: as we go back and forth, is why why do
Speaker 1: we need to be perfect? Where did this come from? Who?
Speaker 1: Who said it has to be all or nothing? Like?
Speaker 1: Why do we have to have these standards? Yeah? And
Speaker 1: I think there there's a lot, I mean probably obviously
Speaker 1: a lot going on with with why we think we
Speaker 1: have to be all or nothing as women. And I
Speaker 1: think a lot of it is that that, just like insecurity,
Speaker 1: were constantly like built from fed and then we build
Speaker 1: and internalized and we feel like we have to be
Speaker 1: this good. I mean, it's a constant thing of when
Speaker 1: you succeed in one thing, the next question is what
Speaker 1: about the next thing? Kind of like the whole marriage
Speaker 1: idea when you're dating to one for a long time,
Speaker 1: when you're getting engaged, when you engaged, when you getting married,
Speaker 1: when you're married, when you're gonna have kids, Like, it's
Speaker 1: just this whole weird like one thing is not good
Speaker 1: enough to be celebrated. You have to look at the
Speaker 1: next step. I'm sorry that brought back a memory I
Speaker 1: haven't thought in a while. Bro. I used to teach
Speaker 1: this class on dating and China. So yeah, and there
Speaker 1: the kids they were asking, they were like high school kids,
Speaker 1: and they were asking me, so, what happens after the
Speaker 1: first date? And I was like, usually a second day,
Speaker 1: and they kind of just kept asking and asking. I
Speaker 1: was like, well, eventually you get married, and they all
Speaker 1: gasped like I still don't know why. I still don't
Speaker 1: know why. That was a shocking ending for them. I
Speaker 1: think they were interpreting it as like and then they
Speaker 1: could speak pretty pretty good English. But I think it
Speaker 1: was just they didn't understand that I was there was
Speaker 1: a time jumping there soon, but eventually you get married.
Speaker 1: Day five were married. You know what sometimes people do,
Speaker 1: Sometimes they don't go for it either way. Yes, anyway,
Speaker 1: if any of those students happen to be listening, I'd
Speaker 1: love to hear from you. We do have a little
Speaker 1: bit more for your listeners, but first we have one
Speaker 1: more quick break for word from our sponsor and we're back.
Speaker 1: Thank you sponsor. So we have some advice if you
Speaker 1: if you catch yourself engaging in self sabotaging behavior, which
Speaker 1: like we've mentioned, probably everyone does. UM, there are a
Speaker 1: couple of things that you can do, and what the
Speaker 1: big one is noticing the first step. First step, take
Speaker 1: note of any of those things that you're doing, any
Speaker 1: self judgments, and try to stop and think where are
Speaker 1: they coming from? And then redefine how you view success. UM.
Speaker 1: Put a focus on the effort part as opposed to
Speaker 1: the outcome. That's not to say, sort of the outcome
Speaker 1: out the window, but like you know, it's the journey
Speaker 1: and not the destination at least think about them. But
Speaker 1: I love that when you said journey literally did a
Speaker 1: hand up. Yes, you have to do that motion which
Speaker 1: is journey. Every listener knows and they're doing it like
Speaker 1: they do at wave up to the sky, exact slowly wave. UM.
Speaker 1: Change the way you view failure as a learning experience. UM.
Speaker 1: Two hundred ways not to make a light bult for example,
Speaker 1: or I know when I I do acting and when
Speaker 1: I have to do an audition and I don't get it,
Speaker 1: I see it as an opportunity to like practice and
Speaker 1: to play the character the way I would play it
Speaker 1: and hopefully do a really good job. And people are like,
Speaker 1: you know what, not this time, but maybe next time.
Speaker 1: UM or are a pop culture example. Thank you next
Speaker 1: from our underground. She learned all these things from XS
Speaker 1: and then moved on. UM. Work on yourself worth and
Speaker 1: where your self worth comes from. Don't depend on other
Speaker 1: people for yourself worth. UM. Making others happy or feel loved, sure,
Speaker 1: but not the value that they are assigning you. UM.
Speaker 1: Be kind towards yourself and recognize emotions for what they
Speaker 1: are and where they come from. Right. You just may
Speaker 1: have had too much caffeine that day, and we all
Speaker 1: have bad days exactly except compliments and constructive criticisms from
Speaker 1: trusted sources. Yes, you know, And I think that's good
Speaker 1: both with like therapy as well as good friends have
Speaker 1: a good crowd. That's what I've thought about having who
Speaker 1: I go to. I was having a really crappy weekend,
Speaker 1: and so one of my ways of trying to get
Speaker 1: myself out of a funk is being around people. I
Speaker 1: know that I can trust and be down with, but
Speaker 1: they're gonna uplift me. You know. That's always a good thing.
Speaker 1: Identify some impossible goals in your life. Oh and here
Speaker 1: are some common ones. Pleasing everyone not gonna happen. And
Speaker 1: I'm learning. I'm learning that very quickly with this podcast. Yes,
Speaker 1: podcasting is a great way to to learn that, to
Speaker 1: build that hard shell and be like, Okay, you don't
Speaker 1: have to like me, that's fine, moving on being in
Speaker 1: love all the time, that new exciting part of love
Speaker 1: not gonna happen. I laugh, I'm sorry, I love because
Speaker 1: that's so true. Like everything, it's such a whole idea
Speaker 1: of love is an action and it may not be
Speaker 1: every day you feel a certain way. Shoot, I don't
Speaker 1: like a lot of people every day, but I may
Speaker 1: love them. Yeah, And I think to just I know
Speaker 1: some friends who have in in marriages for for a
Speaker 1: couple of years, and then you you lose the spark,
Speaker 1: as they say, And that's not to say you won't
Speaker 1: get it back, but it's just, you know, it's not
Speaker 1: going to be that like super exciting. We just met
Speaker 1: and oh my gosh, I want to learn everything about
Speaker 1: you every second with you, it's not gonna be that
Speaker 1: all the time, and a part of marriage and compromises
Speaker 1: to get past those points, to work back up, Yeah,
Speaker 1: renew that spark. Yeah. And then it's kind of you know,
Speaker 1: hit or miss. I was gonna say, okay, okay, but
Speaker 1: I guess I guess it could be hit or miss,
Speaker 1: especially if you made that face. And I'm sorry. Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm a little Jada today. Um never needing help, that's
Speaker 1: not a true statement. It's okay to ask for help,
Speaker 1: and as in fact, that is a showing of strength
Speaker 1: knowing your limits. Knowing your limits is a good thing
Speaker 1: because it is impossible to do everything without anyone selp Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then always being able to do what we could
Speaker 1: do when we were younger. I feel like this is
Speaker 1: a slap in my face because I feel like but
Speaker 1: my body is slowly like just giving up this race
Speaker 1: told me a lot. I want you to know that this,
Speaker 1: this hale tin k that we just completed told me
Speaker 1: a lot about my body. Like no, just no, you
Speaker 1: also hadn't run in a while, that's true, but the
Speaker 1: paints are different now. I'm like, this hurts now, This
Speaker 1: hurts now, This hurts now, this did not hurt before.
Speaker 1: That's fair. That's fair. And then another thing I would
Speaker 1: add is, um learning the difference between something that is
Speaker 1: extremely difficult and something that is impossible. There are some
Speaker 1: things humans have told themselves that are impossible but turned
Speaker 1: out not to be. Like four minute mile, I would say,
Speaker 1: probably going to space, which is not possible for everyone,
Speaker 1: but if everyone told themselves it was, I'm possible, no
Speaker 1: one would have pulled it off. Again, also with a
Speaker 1: healthy dose of is this a healthy thing? I mean writing,
Speaker 1: because I feel like if I again the cool girl,
Speaker 1: that wasn't healthy. So examine those kinds of things, um
Speaker 1: And I did read some things that said, you know,
Speaker 1: ask yourself why you think something is impossible, and if
Speaker 1: it is, find a more realistic goal. If it isn't,
Speaker 1: don't let fear hold you back, have people to go
Speaker 1: with you. Yeah. Um. So that brings us to the
Speaker 1: end of this episode, and we would love to hear
Speaker 1: from you listeners how you deal with with these impossible
Speaker 1: goals or don't deal with them or self sabotaging behaviors.
Speaker 1: Um And you can email us at Stuff Media Mom,
Speaker 1: stuff at I heart media dot com, or you can
Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or on
Speaker 1: Instagram that Stuff I Never Told You. Thanks as always
Speaker 1: to our superproducer Andrew Howard. Thanks to you for listening
Speaker 1: Stuff I've Never Told. User protection of i Heeartradias how
Speaker 1: Stuff works. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, is
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