Speaker 1: Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything.
Speaker 1: Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you
Speaker 1: are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are
Speaker 1: going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over
Speaker 1: some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as
Speaker 1: I look back at my five favorite news stories from
Speaker 1: the past half century. I've covered a lot of news
Speaker 1: over the years and have been in the middle of
Speaker 1: some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson.
Speaker 1: The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere,
Speaker 1: the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart,
Speaker 1: so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I
Speaker 1: forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which,
Speaker 1: for those of you who don't remember, was when the
Speaker 1: American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team
Speaker 1: in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle
Speaker 1: at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite.
Speaker 1: But anyway, this is getting off track for a second,
Speaker 1: but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al
Speaker 1: Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the
Speaker 1: game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles?
Speaker 1: Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at
Speaker 1: the time, and frankly, I I think it was a
Speaker 1: lot of horses. I know L. I see him around
Speaker 1: from time to time. We we had a time share
Speaker 1: condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with
Speaker 1: Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh,
Speaker 1: but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And
Speaker 1: here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game
Speaker 1: for the radio at the time, and as the clock
Speaker 1: was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks
Speaker 1: like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What
Speaker 1: you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say.
Speaker 1: I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the
Speaker 1: time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into
Speaker 1: a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons
Speaker 1: and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be
Speaker 1: famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of
Speaker 1: the glory, and he used to rub it in my
Speaker 1: face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges.
Speaker 1: I got back at him, though his family would always
Speaker 1: get the condo we shared the week after I had it,
Speaker 1: So every time I left the condo, I would close
Speaker 1: up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight,
Speaker 1: and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron
Speaker 1: Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff.
Speaker 1: I would cover the whole condo and farts and then
Speaker 1: get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm.
Speaker 1: I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about
Speaker 1: how I made his whole family throw up, and I
Speaker 1: would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway,
Speaker 1: I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show
Speaker 1: is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite
Speaker 1: news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to
Speaker 1: stay with me for this one. As always, I am
Speaker 1: joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how
Speaker 1: are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind
Speaker 1: of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean,
Speaker 1: we usually just have a guest or two on the show,
Speaker 1: and you never know how that's going to go. I mean,
Speaker 1: we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but
Speaker 1: today is just you and me and your top favorite
Speaker 1: news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will
Speaker 1: say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I
Speaker 1: have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm
Speaker 1: sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like
Speaker 1: some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no,
Speaker 1: but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I
Speaker 1: don't know if if you know this, but I've always
Speaker 1: been able to block out pain and stay focused on
Speaker 1: the job that needs to be done. Pain has no
Speaker 1: power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can
Speaker 1: totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not
Speaker 1: not me. I get the slightest little cut or a
Speaker 1: coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't
Speaker 1: work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's
Speaker 1: because you're not a professional like I am. In my business.
Speaker 1: You are trained from the first day you hit the
Speaker 1: news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on
Speaker 1: the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend
Speaker 1: on you, and I've always been able to push away
Speaker 1: any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's
Speaker 1: no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you
Speaker 1: will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to.
Speaker 1: So should we get started with today's show? You bet so?
Speaker 1: Is it going to be like a countdown of your
Speaker 1: top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many
Speaker 1: great stories I have covered, so it was it was
Speaker 1: really hard to narrow it down just to five, but
Speaker 1: I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of
Speaker 1: the top five news stories I have covered in my
Speaker 1: long and illustrious career is one second time? You know,
Speaker 1: if you or Nick could run out and just grab
Speaker 1: me some headache pills that that would be great. Not
Speaker 1: really bothering me, but just in case I need them later,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Sure I can send out
Speaker 1: for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan,
Speaker 1: all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like?
Speaker 1: There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself.
Speaker 1: I think they do the job. Just find out like
Speaker 1: half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really,
Speaker 1: anything you want, we can get it. What do you like?
Speaker 1: I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed
Speaker 1: into quite a little stinger and I just need to
Speaker 1: block it out and get on with the show. I'll
Speaker 1: just get someone on staff to run out and get
Speaker 1: a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat
Speaker 1: feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does
Speaker 1: it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain,
Speaker 1: block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have
Speaker 1: a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's
Speaker 1: not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind.
Speaker 1: People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay.
Speaker 1: They understand you are willing away the pain with your
Speaker 1: powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away.
Speaker 1: Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and
Speaker 1: far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling
Speaker 1: and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft.
Speaker 1: Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now.
Speaker 1: Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in
Speaker 1: the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie
Speaker 1: could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today.
Speaker 1: So much for that class. That was really a guy
Speaker 1: you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for
Speaker 1: a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure.
Speaker 1: And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was hunting. Should we just we can just take
Speaker 1: break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No,
Speaker 1: don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The
Speaker 1: show must go on. The number five best news stories
Speaker 1: I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the
Speaker 1: disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom
Speaker 1: told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina.
Speaker 1: The year was nine in the world was about to
Speaker 1: be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that
Speaker 1: wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit
Speaker 1: with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it
Speaker 1: is literally something only talked about in whispers in San
Speaker 1: Diego to this day. And I was right there in
Speaker 1: the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter,
Speaker 1: the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world.
Speaker 1: I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go
Speaker 1: out and get those headache pills the ones I asked
Speaker 1: for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them.
Speaker 1: Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be
Speaker 1: here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water?
Speaker 1: Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a
Speaker 1: few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a
Speaker 1: magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water,
Speaker 1: and who has a degree from Wizard College and far
Speaker 1: off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking
Speaker 1: at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper.
Speaker 1: Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's
Speaker 1: just as headache is proving to be a little bit
Speaker 1: of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had
Speaker 1: a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all
Speaker 1: the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just
Speaker 1: stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all
Speaker 1: around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy,
Speaker 1: and the radio was playing and I could see my
Speaker 1: exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic
Speaker 1: that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a
Speaker 1: whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches.
Speaker 1: I I didn't ask you to read a books on
Speaker 1: tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper
Speaker 1: and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person.
Speaker 1: Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling,
Speaker 1: I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just
Speaker 1: try and get through the show until those pills come.
Speaker 1: Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been
Speaker 1: stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at
Speaker 1: the news desk when the story came over the wire.
Speaker 1: I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth,
Speaker 1: before the local guys, before the national news even picked
Speaker 1: it up. It was my story, and I took hold
Speaker 1: of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener.
Speaker 1: I could tell from the beginning the police were going
Speaker 1: to need help, so I jumped right into the news
Speaker 1: van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo,
Speaker 1: that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can
Speaker 1: eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other
Speaker 1: in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When
Speaker 1: I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where
Speaker 1: the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
Speaker 1: Let's see. Should we take a break while you take
Speaker 1: your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few
Speaker 1: and then back to the show. Let's see one second,
Speaker 1: just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I
Speaker 1: got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was
Speaker 1: you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so
Speaker 1: maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know
Speaker 1: I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be
Speaker 1: a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard.
Speaker 1: Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one
Speaker 1: of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh,
Speaker 1: turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it
Speaker 1: is got to Nope, why don't you just give it
Speaker 1: to me? What do you think I can't open it?
Speaker 1: Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should
Speaker 1: go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where
Speaker 1: was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider
Speaker 1: monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and
Speaker 1: it was up to me to find the people who
Speaker 1: did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that
Speaker 1: something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor,
Speaker 1: I have a sixth sense about these things, and I
Speaker 1: noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was
Speaker 1: a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather
Speaker 1: was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched,
Speaker 1: more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably
Speaker 1: along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet
Speaker 1: another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let
Speaker 1: me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid
Speaker 1: Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be
Speaker 1: the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary
Speaker 1: and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and
Speaker 1: this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this
Speaker 1: bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely
Speaker 1: not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act
Speaker 1: of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think
Speaker 1: anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of
Speaker 1: the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have
Speaker 1: child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school.
Speaker 1: I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but
Speaker 1: this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it?
Speaker 1: Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess
Speaker 1: I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took
Speaker 1: an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful
Speaker 1: my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like
Speaker 1: someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but
Speaker 1: if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle,
Speaker 1: go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so
Speaker 1: go for it. Here you go. They're see you just
Speaker 1: have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did
Speaker 1: do that. I did. I did that a million times.
Speaker 1: You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just
Speaker 1: take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat
Speaker 1: back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like
Speaker 1: you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't
Speaker 1: just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this
Speaker 1: is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills
Speaker 1: faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to
Speaker 1: be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting.
Speaker 1: They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This
Speaker 1: is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I
Speaker 1: have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse.
Speaker 1: Let me do it again and I will get you
Speaker 1: your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back
Speaker 1: to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what
Speaker 1: you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain?
Speaker 1: I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try,
Speaker 1: push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again?
Speaker 1: I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get
Speaker 1: run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No,
Speaker 1: nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle,
Speaker 1: but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll
Speaker 1: do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're
Speaker 1: gonna do it later at home in private? I don't
Speaker 1: know if you do. You want to get sucked in
Speaker 1: the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was
Speaker 1: just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created
Speaker 1: around me. And what I want to do is finish
Speaker 1: the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills.
Speaker 1: Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the
Speaker 1: monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label
Speaker 1: inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone
Speaker 1: growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would
Speaker 1: know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's
Speaker 1: shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's
Speaker 1: where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where
Speaker 1: you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I
Speaker 1: told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested.
Speaker 1: So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop.
Speaker 1: Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want
Speaker 1: me to This isn't a normal headache and and and
Speaker 1: confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I
Speaker 1: want to do is get three little pills inside this
Speaker 1: satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's
Speaker 1: Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the
Speaker 1: proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who
Speaker 1: had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it?
Speaker 1: I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my
Speaker 1: hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've
Speaker 1: been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for
Speaker 1: a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I
Speaker 1: know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass
Speaker 1: out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel
Speaker 1: this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's
Speaker 1: taking you a long time to get through the one story,
Speaker 1: the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he
Speaker 1: was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It
Speaker 1: consumed a nation for many days, and as you will
Speaker 1: soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe
Speaker 1: we can postpone this great, this great story till another time,
Speaker 1: maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we
Speaker 1: get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to
Speaker 1: open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game
Speaker 1: you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over
Speaker 1: on me. Back to my number five news story of
Speaker 1: all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey.
Speaker 1: I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked
Speaker 1: him if he could remember who he sold the glove too.
Speaker 1: And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do
Speaker 1: you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold
Speaker 1: the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me?
Speaker 1: A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes,
Speaker 1: chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at
Speaker 1: the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear
Speaker 1: someone was trying to set me up. Who would try
Speaker 1: and set me up? I had a lot of enemies
Speaker 1: in those days. I was handsome and I was number one,
Speaker 1: So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke
Speaker 1: all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon,
Speaker 1: Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band,
Speaker 1: Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and
Speaker 1: Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson
Speaker 1: So so many enemies when I look back on at
Speaker 1: Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but
Speaker 1: none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of
Speaker 1: aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it.
Speaker 1: If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because
Speaker 1: the pain of this headache is so great and the
Speaker 1: fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific
Speaker 1: and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say
Speaker 1: laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what
Speaker 1: I think. I think the best medicine is in this
Speaker 1: little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when
Speaker 1: I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine,
Speaker 1: something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so
Speaker 1: heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get
Speaker 1: the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've
Speaker 1: got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still
Speaker 1: can't open it. I can do it's less. What are
Speaker 1: you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I
Speaker 1: have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have
Speaker 1: had all of this. I'm going to take today and
Speaker 1: this little bottle is going to get off the goods.
Speaker 1: This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy
Speaker 1: one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your
Speaker 1: days of making a fool of me are over. Do
Speaker 1: you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute.
Speaker 1: These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now,
Speaker 1: can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is
Speaker 1: it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way,
Speaker 1: do you want to know how my number five news
Speaker 1: story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a
Speaker 1: long time to think of who would want to frame
Speaker 1: me with that glove, and then it hit me. The
Speaker 1: night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen
Speaker 1: from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some
Speaker 1: of the news crew, just a regular night out of
Speaker 1: the town with some of the boys, but at some
Speaker 1: point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well,
Speaker 1: sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us,
Speaker 1: and I guess I was just showing off a bit,
Speaker 1: but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself.
Speaker 1: I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one
Speaker 1: was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one.
Speaker 1: So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I
Speaker 1: was the first to report he was missing, and I
Speaker 1: was the first to report he was returned because I
Speaker 1: had him in the trunk of my car the whole time.
Speaker 1: Not only did I report the news for that story,
Speaker 1: I was the news. How about that? And that's why
Speaker 1: the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five
Speaker 1: on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing,
Speaker 1: coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time.
Speaker 1: The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow
Speaker 1: is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is
Speaker 1: Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are
Speaker 1: Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed,
Speaker 1: and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is
Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy.