Speaker 1: Welcome back to Alchemy this Yes, I'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's right, that Kevin Pollock. Was that the one from
Speaker 1: the other night, Ladies and Jews. Over the years, I've
Speaker 1: been annoyingly lucky to see my fair share of true alchemy.
Speaker 1: By definition, alchemy is quote when a person creates something
Speaker 1: through a seemingly magical process. Well, citizens of the world.
Speaker 1: Like I said, I've been witnessed to the stuff on
Speaker 1: several occasions. An example, you asked, all right, sure, let
Speaker 1: us tomato, a pickle, and a bun. Didn't come together
Speaker 1: from a script or a think tank. You dig that
Speaker 1: shit was designed in heaven. Speaking of which, not too
Speaker 1: long ago, the idea hit me. What if I brought
Speaker 1: together the right creative people and asked them to make
Speaker 1: a shit up based on my own twisted, demented ideas,
Speaker 1: then offered a podcast of this seemingly magical process. Why
Speaker 1: I could call it alchemy this time? And I'm not
Speaker 1: fucking around. Well, after a bit of title tankering, I'm
Speaker 1: so very proud to welcome you, dear friends to another
Speaker 1: episode of Alchemy. There, let's meet our alchemists, shall we?
Speaker 1: In no particular order, say Hello to Joey Greer Greer today,
Speaker 1: gone tomorrow. What's your favorite shade of pale? Oh? Uh neutral? Sure, perfect, Jesus,
Speaker 1: put on your danceing shoe because we've got Vanessa Raglan Vanessa,
Speaker 1: who was your best pal? Grown up? Sarah Ziegler, Love
Speaker 1: you girl? That's correct. Up, Chris Alvarado, Time, Christopher, did
Speaker 1: we really land on the moon in sixty eight? Come on?
Speaker 1: Of course it was sixty nine? Well why not? Some
Speaker 1: great Kokowski while we're out at cacoun do you remember
Speaker 1: who framed Roger Rabbit? It was a tune of some kind.
Speaker 1: I hate all those tunes. Correct, continue last, but I'll
Speaker 1: punch you right in this now if you're think him late.
Speaker 1: It's James Heny. James. Can I call you Connie Stephens?
Speaker 1: That's a woman's name. Sure, I prefer maybe Connor. All right,
Speaker 1: Connor Stephens it is. Let's get to our first scene,
Speaker 1: shall we. Sorry, I had a smaller version of me
Speaker 1: in my throat. First. Up. Mark Zuckelberg Today, played by
Speaker 1: Joey Zuckelberg, is stepping down. But first he's meeting with
Speaker 1: several candidates, one at a time to see who will
Speaker 1: take his place. We take you to Mark's office, which
Speaker 1: is just shy the size of Kansas City, Missouri. I
Speaker 1: told you to keep the orange rides on, please, I tried. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: they were just peeling away from the flash of the orange. Mark.
Speaker 1: I can't keep everything together around here. We better keep
Speaker 1: something together. Don't talk to me like that. Forgive me.
Speaker 1: I do love you too. I'll go under the desk.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Mark, I'm here for my interview. It's me wary,
Speaker 1: I know. Larry, come in. Uh oh wow, you've got
Speaker 1: such a nice office. How are these books real? Yes,
Speaker 1: they're all glass, Larry. Yeah. As you know, I'm stepping
Speaker 1: down from Facebook and because of that, someone needs to
Speaker 1: stand in my stead. So with that being as it is,
Speaker 1: i'd like to see if you might be a candidate
Speaker 1: for that position. Oh my gosh, i'd love the Mark. Yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: I'll take it. Well, no, Larry, it's I'm not just
Speaker 1: giving it right now. Oh, several candidates for this position
Speaker 1: or I'm sure there's probably a lot of people that
Speaker 1: want it. There is a lot of people that want it. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do I gotta do? Well? Number one? How many
Speaker 1: jumping jacks can you do? Endurance is a critical part
Speaker 1: of this position. Jeez, I could do them right now.
Speaker 1: But okay, here coour Okay, I'm doing them with you. Okay.
Speaker 1: I mean I could do this for a long time, Martin,
Speaker 1: do it for a long time too. Can you go?
Speaker 1: Can you keep up? Okay, I gotta stop. I couldn't
Speaker 1: count while I was doing it. Oh that was good, Larry,
Speaker 1: that was fantastic. Wow, you're sweating. Let me get that here.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Oh wow, you brought your own houndkerchief. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: of course I did. Haven't had a dummy. I mean
Speaker 1: sometimes I sweat when I get nervous, but I'm not
Speaker 1: nervous around you. Mark. I appreciate that a lot of
Speaker 1: people feel uncomfortable around me because of my energy. Mark.
Speaker 1: Your next cand dame is here. Larry. Would you please
Speaker 1: step outside away. I didn't even get to You're fine.
Speaker 1: The endurance was enough. Oh, thank you. You'll be Uh.
Speaker 1: I'll give you a message later. But there's a lot
Speaker 1: of Okay, bye, it's cramped down here. Shut up, stop
Speaker 1: peeling those oranges. Sorry forgive me. Hello. Hello, my name
Speaker 1: is Connor Stevens. I am obviously American tech guru. Here
Speaker 1: to uh interview for position of Facebook. Mister Stevens, your
Speaker 1: reputation precedes you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. How
Speaker 1: long have you loved me? How long have I loved you?
Speaker 1: How long I have loved you? Since the Facebook first
Speaker 1: came out? Fantastic? We never that was. I mean, I
Speaker 1: am American and I've been here the whole time, so
Speaker 1: of course of course I went to American school Boston accent.
Speaker 1: If I could try to locate the region you're from, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm from Boston area, right, you know, South Boston. I'm
Speaker 1: a southee. Mister, mister Stevens, that there is Stevens Connor,
Speaker 1: Stephen Stevens. Excuse me. The security privacy is something that
Speaker 1: we really are loose about here. Okay, It's something that
Speaker 1: this is red job for me. I'm hoping so obviously
Speaker 1: you know that I need to step down for reasons
Speaker 1: that the press are making bigger than I believe are.
Speaker 1: It is fat news, it is fact news, and because
Speaker 1: of that, I need someone else to fill this position.
Speaker 1: I'd be happy to is the uh, oh, you still
Speaker 1: have all the data. I'll have all the Americans all
Speaker 1: the data. Something that I'd love to do is draw sorry,
Speaker 1: shut off something that I love? What's going on down there?
Speaker 1: Mister Stevenson, please Stevens, yes, sir, please please, can we
Speaker 1: just focus on task at hand. I need to fill
Speaker 1: this position, and I'd hate to put someone in there
Speaker 1: who's not ready for the job. I am totally ready
Speaker 1: for a job, are you? Yes? What happens if four
Speaker 1: hundred lizards were let loose on the data processing floor?
Speaker 1: Four hundred? Oh dear god, what's get these lizards out
Speaker 1: of here? What the fuck is happening? Exactly? Mister Stephenson,
Speaker 1: what would you do? I'll kill you. I'll kill you Zuckerberg.
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. Mark you're here, Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Mister Stevenson. Please wait out in the
Speaker 1: bean bags. Okay, good day. I'm sorry if my hair tickled? Year?
Speaker 1: Can you please do that more? Absolutely? Bye? Bye? Hello,
Speaker 1: it's that Mark. How do you do? Good man? Tyler,
Speaker 1: let's cut right to it. Okay, you're giving me this job, Tyler.
Speaker 1: You know I can't do. You're giving me this fucking job. Tyler. Please,
Speaker 1: this isn't high school. Please, gud. I know all your
Speaker 1: fucking secrets. I know you're a fucking dork. Tyler and
Speaker 1: you're giving me this turn around? Taylor, who the fight out?
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm bleeding internally. What's going on? You
Speaker 1: should be? Do you want me to do another one?
Speaker 1: Of course I do. No one threatens my boss slash
Speaker 1: lover Christina table, Thank you very much. P s. Mister Zuckerberg.
Speaker 1: I'll take that position now. There's still a lot of
Speaker 1: lizards here. Mister Stevens, and please wait in I mean Stevens,
Speaker 1: you Coolovich Stevens, You Colovich Stevens, you Coolovitch Stevens. Christina,
Speaker 1: run a name processing right now. I want to see
Speaker 1: and in the database, your Coolovich Stevenson. See if those
Speaker 1: names cross reference. I'm pulling up fifteen, all of them
Speaker 1: located in North Boston. Interesting. Oh oh, yes, that's what
Speaker 1: that means, North Boston. I'm a Southey who moved to
Speaker 1: North Boston. So do you identify as North or South?
Speaker 1: Identify as both? I mean it gon to be a
Speaker 1: big deal around there. Where are you from? Right? Go
Speaker 1: Celtics anyway? Yes, Go Celtics, Go Celtics, Go Celtics. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm still alive. Tyler, give me the fucking j Tyler stop,
Speaker 1: thank you? She is very dangerous to have some deity
Speaker 1: formidable at your right end. Always I'm hoping to pass
Speaker 1: her along to whoever takes this position. I'll be taking
Speaker 1: the position, possibly, Mark Larry, Would you mind stepping back in? Okay?
Speaker 1: I was. I had my ear to the door, and
Speaker 1: I was worried that the lad the lizards, we're gonna
Speaker 1: get out. I'm glad that they didn't. If you can't
Speaker 1: handle lizard, you'll never be able to handle this position. Wow.
Speaker 1: Oh geez, are you bleeding internally? I don't know, but
Speaker 1: there's certainly swelling. Oh, your body is strong. Oh you
Speaker 1: don't mind if I start drinking some ice cold borshed,
Speaker 1: do you? Of course not? Okay, it smells horrible. It's
Speaker 1: just it's just beats and garlic that is strong. Come in,
Speaker 1: Hey probably didn't expect to see me. It's the guy
Speaker 1: who started my space. How are you, Tom? Tom? I
Speaker 1: refer to myself as the guy who started my space. Here,
Speaker 1: you're having some problems. Why won't you look at us
Speaker 1: directly in the face. He's just side eyeing us. I'm
Speaker 1: pointing over my back to let you know you're out
Speaker 1: of here. Do you have to wheel that computer in
Speaker 1: with you. Yeah, we know what the profile pick looks like.
Speaker 1: Look at this. You can add music now, that's that's great. Tom. Look,
Speaker 1: we're trying to fill a position that actually matters you, okay,
Speaker 1: for a website that people love and use? Is that
Speaker 1: a dead body? Almost? Yes, I've actually been working at
Speaker 1: Facebook for a long time, so I think I've earned it.
Speaker 1: And plus Mark, one of these people in the room
Speaker 1: is a Russian spy. Wait, I know you. I know you.
Speaker 1: You're both from Boston. I am from North I am
Speaker 1: also from North. Wait, you were from the South and
Speaker 1: then you move north. That's right, of course. I mean
Speaker 1: my story is consistent X four two zero one j
Speaker 1: j O K. He's just saying numbers doesn't know what
Speaker 1: you're doing. Tom, Tom, Tom, come on, okay, we let
Speaker 1: you in the building. You can have all the time.
Speaker 1: I broke you. I broke you, Okay, Okay, Tom, all right,
Speaker 1: you broke in. That's you did it. You had all
Speaker 1: the dolly and everything you can, all the treats you want. Okay,
Speaker 1: those are for free for everybody. That's right. That's right.
Speaker 1: I'm a Russian spy. Okay, Tom, all right, Tom, cool,
Speaker 1: you believe me, right, yes for sure that I think
Speaker 1: I have a boy clott in my throat. My throat
Speaker 1: is really swelling fast, Larry, just sit with it, all right,
Speaker 1: all right? Mark? Do I have the job or not?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I need one more test anything. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking of a number one. You got it? Tom is
Speaker 1: now the new head of Facebook. Okay, way the gold Dmitri,
Speaker 1: I mean Tom from my space. No, you already know.
Speaker 1: I told you I'm a Russian spot right right? Yeah? Cool?
Speaker 1: I will take over. Well, what are your plans? But? Oh? Wow? Wow?
Speaker 1: What am I planing? What are you gonna do? I'm
Speaker 1: opening a dojo? Wow, I've been so caught up with
Speaker 1: who's going to fill this position? I haven't thought about
Speaker 1: what I'm going to have to sit down? I'm sorry?
Speaker 1: What am I gonna do? I guess I could start face?
Speaker 1: But no, that's taking your Are you taking your hoodie off? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I want to feel the wind on top of my head.
Speaker 1: That's a lot of tattoos. Jesus, boy, he is cut.
Speaker 1: Do you feel the heat? Don't jump? Please? Don't jump.
Speaker 1: I think I can fly. You definitely can't fly. Mark, Wait,
Speaker 1: I recognize this R two four six two two j
Speaker 1: J J J J JJ. I know it. He's a
Speaker 1: lizard man. I'm a lizard man. Get out of my mouth.
Speaker 1: Get out of my mouth. That's a warm in your mouth.
Speaker 1: And I'll let you destroy each other. I'm Tom. I'm Tom.
Speaker 1: Though I'm Tom. I don't think you're Tom. I think
Speaker 1: you have a lizard man inside of courts. Well, just
Speaker 1: a typical day and Facebook. Let's shoot on over across
Speaker 1: town shall I? Oh my god? Just off Highway twenty two.
Speaker 1: It's Carl's Motor Lave, A fine place to rest your
Speaker 1: weary head for the night. Behind the camera waiting to
Speaker 1: register folks from all over there's Timmy. You want a room?
Speaker 1: Yes please, I'd like to stay here overnight. You look
Speaker 1: like you from around here. I'm not I'm traveling, shoutsman,
Speaker 1: I'm just passing. Look all right, So usually we rent
Speaker 1: out by the hour, but I assume you want to
Speaker 1: stay overnight. I wanted to talk to you about that.
Speaker 1: If I were to have my girlfriend visit me for
Speaker 1: one to two hours, is would that be a problem? Look,
Speaker 1: let me turn this camera up really quick. Right, let's
Speaker 1: cut straight. She's the prostitute, right, feelings for each other? Well,
Speaker 1: there certing her feelings? Are you I take care of her?
Speaker 1: You do? Yeah? I pay for her rent. Wait a second,
Speaker 1: Wait a second. Are you from out of town? Yes,
Speaker 1: I'm a traveling salesman. Then how do you does she
Speaker 1: come with you on your travels? I see the problem. Huh,
Speaker 1: you're in the hell whatever here, it's not sound kind
Speaker 1: of weird. Whatever y'all got got right on. I don't
Speaker 1: think this is that important. I have this. I can
Speaker 1: handle the thought. I'd come out on the floor manager,
Speaker 1: I manage the floor. Well, did you play fifteen dollars
Speaker 1: extrause the room? Can come with a bird that can
Speaker 1: play up the five thing? No, thank you. You can
Speaker 1: also have that for free. We have birds and most.
Speaker 1: Now that the cameras off, I have something to get
Speaker 1: off my chest. What is that thing? Is in a mole?
Speaker 1: I was noticing in it? Oh? This is a This
Speaker 1: is just a necklace. I'll off, but I have something
Speaker 1: to say. Necklace looks like a mole to me. It's
Speaker 1: a stone. It's a stone. I'm I'm a married man.
Speaker 1: Oh no, congratulations to her. I'm sir. Once a year
Speaker 1: I meet this woman here at this hotel. I've never
Speaker 1: seen you but I'll take your room for it. I
Speaker 1: get a lot of people through here. Yeah, I've never
Speaker 1: seen you either. Well, I can't on intally say if
Speaker 1: I've seen you or not, because it's a medical to
Speaker 1: eat you. So my recall is not what it used
Speaker 1: to be. Just give me a room please with a bird.
Speaker 1: No room, I mean no bird, no bird, one room,
Speaker 1: no bird smoking? Please? Please? Is it taking a cup?
Speaker 1: You gotta tell me if you're a cup, that's not true.
Speaker 1: First of all, you do take your top, bar, you
Speaker 1: gotta tell us, good girl? Okay, wait, take my top off?
Speaker 1: If you're wired, honey, if I was a cop, I
Speaker 1: don't think I come in here with a wire. But
Speaker 1: here sure, Look they're happy. There's the moles on who
Speaker 1: they was under? There also a necklace. Where's the beef?
Speaker 1: A good girl feed her meat? Don't you want us
Speaker 1: to put rose petals or some sort of romance on
Speaker 1: top of the bed before y'all might love only? I
Speaker 1: just want to keep room one twelve if it's available.
Speaker 1: Do you want any beef? Where's the beef? Thank you? Sweethearts? Kids? Mama,
Speaker 1: is there an issue? What's the issue? The issue? You
Speaker 1: want your room with a side of beef the lovers special. No,
Speaker 1: thank you? Okay, that was not hard. You gotta tell
Speaker 1: us one room, no bird, no one room coming up?
Speaker 1: I room, no bird, no beef coming up. You want stairs?
Speaker 1: I want room one twelve. So that's in the first one.
Speaker 1: That's a pretty specific room. It's where I don't love
Speaker 1: if we have cleaned that, I don't care. I need
Speaker 1: room one twelve. All right, Well, I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: accompany you to the room. Why what is going on?
Speaker 1: I want to see you? What's in there that's so special?
Speaker 1: Come here? Get on my How do you get how
Speaker 1: do you? Okay, make any money here? If you harass everything,
Speaker 1: plenty of money. Don't worry about us. We're doing great. Okay,
Speaker 1: you don't harass every customer. Just let the room. Not
Speaker 1: every customer comes in and tell him us his little
Speaker 1: horse is gonna be here. She's my girlfriend. Okay, once
Speaker 1: to your girlfriend. Yes we married, man, that's right. Yes,
Speaker 1: somebody will write a place. But bard no beef. You
Speaker 1: got it clean on the fro? How much is it?
Speaker 1: Here's my here's how charge it? Mister? Money bance? Okay, up,
Speaker 1: there's a mole on your finger too covered in moles.
Speaker 1: Let's disgusting. You're lucky you can get a room with
Speaker 1: the bird because birds. You gotta tell us off your
Speaker 1: flesh charging. Thank you so much. Oh who's here? High
Speaker 1: casey sisters are here? Oh gosh, I hope you don't mind.
Speaker 1: We bring on Rudu. He's coming in here. It's gonna
Speaker 1: hunting them birds if we let him out. No bird,
Speaker 1: no birds in your room. Welcome back, honey. Why you
Speaker 1: got kick the house offmating and too much smiking there
Speaker 1: to slate, like to slay down. You want beef beef,
Speaker 1: Let's get a couple of arms length beef and then
Speaker 1: hell just do twos. Why that room is quiet? Oh lord,
Speaker 1: I'll go take care of Timmy. Can you finish this up?
Speaker 1: Somebody's got to walk into the room one twelve, Tammy,
Speaker 1: I was, I was already on my way to my room.
Speaker 1: I am not I don't trust you. Somebody's got to
Speaker 1: see what you're doing. Okay, Well miss ma'am sir, Well,
Speaker 1: well that was not nice. I was not nice. That
Speaker 1: was not note is a mystery. Would you mind walking
Speaker 1: me into my room? Please? I would love to escort
Speaker 1: you to your room. Get your hand off my back.
Speaker 1: I can't not touch your back if I'm showing you
Speaker 1: where your rooms, genius. Just move it. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
Speaker 1: you can't. You can't. We can't do this. I'll come on.
Speaker 1: We can't do this. Why we can? Horse, we can
Speaker 1: It's all about want. No, it's just Timmy. Of course
Speaker 1: I want to. Of course I want to, just so
Speaker 1: you know, it gets weird. Get a whole bunch of meat.
Speaker 1: We'll just do it on a meat bed. Where's the beef?
Speaker 1: Is that beef on? Tim? Sometimes I feel like I
Speaker 1: feel like Polly's gonna tell him as if when do it? Oh?
Speaker 1: I know know this bird. I don't know that many words.
Speaker 1: I don't know five sentences. Where's the beef for? I
Speaker 1: know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. Some
Speaker 1: another one. Come on now, I'm coming. She knows, she
Speaker 1: knows that we're not supposed to be the good just
Speaker 1: a bird of beat. Yeah, she don't know everything that
Speaker 1: a human does. No, mister bird, we brought you into
Speaker 1: the police station for some questioning. There was a horrific,
Speaker 1: horrific crime committed on the night of March twenty sixth,
Speaker 1: twenty eighteen. You were the only witness. Please state your name.
Speaker 1: Brab Oh shit, I thought this was going to go better.
Speaker 1: Let me see, let me see, let me see. What
Speaker 1: did you see? All right? You gotta tell us? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: you got it? Tell us? Okay? Now can you can
Speaker 1: you give me a name of somebody who was in
Speaker 1: the room? Rob? Hey, y'all, I told you this wasn't
Speaker 1: gonna work, Terry, Rob. Where's the beef? I think it's
Speaker 1: all helpful. Where's the bee? First of all? Tell us?
Speaker 1: When am I gonna get them a dang bird back? Okay,
Speaker 1: you know what we're done here. I can take my
Speaker 1: bird now. I know what you're doing out here. Hold on,
Speaker 1: you know who who did what? Yeah? I know what
Speaker 1: you're doing. Specifically thought your point a finger? I mean
Speaker 1: a hey, y'all, Chris, okay, have a good day. They
Speaker 1: rid of the bird. You're only a couple of humans
Speaker 1: being rude to a bird. How does that make y'all
Speaker 1: look like a couple of dummy where'd you get this bird?
Speaker 1: I guess this bird? You tell me the Amazon Jungle, baby,
Speaker 1: I take it that means Amazon dot com. No, No,
Speaker 1: I went to the jungle. Actually Amazon Jungle. Tim birds.
Speaker 1: I see, welcome through the alas on jungle. Wow, this
Speaker 1: is nice. So so many like this. Now, how the
Speaker 1: process works is the bird chooses you. You don't choose
Speaker 1: the bird. A lot of them look all right, all right,
Speaker 1: this this is getting just freaking out. They're coming down.
Speaker 1: You must take them all, take them off. I don't
Speaker 1: know if I can bring these back because they're spitting
Speaker 1: at us. I don't mind it. I don't mind it
Speaker 1: at all. I'm gonna wait in the jeep. Pardon me,
Speaker 1: I asked her. A smoking room on twelve used to
Speaker 1: be smoking, and now there's no smoking sign. Well, we're
Speaker 1: not have any smoking in this in this state anymore.
Speaker 1: We had to change all our rooms. I didn't know that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's a new law. You have a hickey. Oh no, no,
Speaker 1: it's not hickey, it's it's a bed bud bite. Very well, thanks,
Speaker 1: uh oh, where are you going back into the room?
Speaker 1: If you're gonna smoke a cigarette, you guys smoke out sign.
Speaker 1: It's not for me. I don't smoke. I know what
Speaker 1: you're doing. I asked for the room with no bird.
Speaker 1: We have to have a bird in every room. That
Speaker 1: was not clear. Well, birds are prop back about let's
Speaker 1: see twenty four birds and they fight with each other.
Speaker 1: So we have that one in every room. They don't
Speaker 1: go home. Oh what this? Okay? Oh shoot, here comes
Speaker 1: my girl now. Oh she's pretty. Hi baby, Hi honey.
Speaker 1: Why what's with the no smoking sign? I'm working on that.
Speaker 1: I'm working you. Look, I get you once a year.
Speaker 1: I like that with a back of cigarettes. I brought him.
Speaker 1: I brought them. I brought them marble reds those away.
Speaker 1: You can's moving? I can hold them out, can't. I good?
Speaker 1: She works here. Maybe I've missed you, missed you so much?
Speaker 1: Is that a wedding ring you're wearing. It's not. I
Speaker 1: don't believe you. It's because I'm lying. It's a wedding
Speaker 1: ring I'm wearing. I'm we did since last we saw
Speaker 1: each other. That doesn't change our year affair. No, it
Speaker 1: does for me. Why you you have a whole life
Speaker 1: without me? Isn't me? Once a year? That was the
Speaker 1: way I liked it. I can still be that way.
Speaker 1: But now I know you're with someone else that you
Speaker 1: feel weird. We broke up. Oh okay, come on in
Speaker 1: the room. Thanks smoky, Jesus Christ, Baby, keeping you keep
Speaker 1: any address? Okay, yes, complimentary beef, blatant champagne. Where's the beef?
Speaker 1: I ordered no beef. I understand complimentary beef playing. Where's
Speaker 1: the beef? What's a bird doing in here? I also
Speaker 1: ordered no bird. We got to put this other bird
Speaker 1: in here. Careful, separate and they will fight. Jesus, they're attacking.
Speaker 1: I gotta get out of you. Oh god, oh god,
Speaker 1: no he comes dogs. Now? Can I shut this door?
Speaker 1: I think you're out of eyes. They're just strong maybe maybe, Okay,
Speaker 1: my eyes are pretty bloody. You don't they're out of
Speaker 1: your socket. No, Oh, are you kidding me? Darling? I
Speaker 1: know you're in there. Just open the door. Honey. We've
Speaker 1: been married for less than a year. I can't believe
Speaker 1: I found you here. This is your husband? Yes, no,
Speaker 1: come on, honey, just old What the you hate birds?
Speaker 1: You wouldn't let us get a bird? The dry balls out? Honey.
Speaker 1: I'm not having a great day. I see I see you.
Speaker 1: I can't believe you can't let me call nine one one?
Speaker 1: Thank you? Hold on? Who's this guy? Who's an old friend?
Speaker 1: I'm just what's the name, Just a friend, just a friend.
Speaker 1: German that's right. This is fucked up. Can somebody help me?
Speaker 1: Hold on, honey, they're on their way. I knew something
Speaker 1: was fish from one twelve. Your birds? What? What? Or what?
Speaker 1: You don't know you got more than two guests in here. No,
Speaker 1: he just showed up. Oh yeah, just showed up. They
Speaker 1: always just should. Problem. You're let the birds hang out together.
Speaker 1: I know what you're doing. Somebody's got to put that
Speaker 1: girl's ice back in her head. That's a big problem.
Speaker 1: We got on our hands. We also got snigger. What
Speaker 1: no smoking in your genius, We didn't smoke. Got your
Speaker 1: little horse eyes. Believe my girlfriend, she also happens to
Speaker 1: be a married will be now and she has no eyes.
Speaker 1: I'm here. I'll put it back in your hand. They're
Speaker 1: clean hands. I wash my hand. You got a hickey,
Speaker 1: it's a bite. Okay. See, I guess we just wait
Speaker 1: from the mom No, no, we don't just wait. No.
Speaker 1: I use this moment to say something I've been meaning
Speaker 1: to say to all of them. Everybody here. You've ruined.
Speaker 1: You've got a little bigger and you know, don't get
Speaker 1: your hands off of me. You the one special day
Speaker 1: of the year I I look forward to I'm gonna
Speaker 1: place this pillow over your head darkly. Everybody just shut up. Hey,
Speaker 1: I did love her, but with those eyes out, I
Speaker 1: put one of them back in. If the cops come
Speaker 1: this dead body, it's only one of heart worries because
Speaker 1: there's a bird code this state that we've been flagrantly breaking,
Speaker 1: and there's a beef code. I could take a couple
Speaker 1: of the birds. But she probably also think your dead wife. Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah right, they show us. I feel real bad about that.
Speaker 1: This is a hickey from my from my sisters. All right,
Speaker 1: police are here, Police are here. You answer some questions
Speaker 1: my gun, and just up the road, apiece, don't you know?
Speaker 1: San Diego Way, A honeymoon couple have somehow ventured out
Speaker 1: of their hotel room. Finally, they stroll along the boardwalk,
Speaker 1: discussing their wedding reception from a few days ago. Eventually,
Speaker 1: they stop at several vendors along this time, book selling art,
Speaker 1: homemade food and grafted items, books. Music. No, I'm serious,
Speaker 1: you look more fautiful than you've ever booked. No, you
Speaker 1: look more handsome than you look at me. Cher let
Speaker 1: me I swear to God like I'm not kidding you
Speaker 1: like this morning, you look like beautiful and right now
Speaker 1: you look more beautiful you've ever looked. God, Mikey, it's
Speaker 1: the San Diego Son. I swear to God, it's the
Speaker 1: San Diego Son. I think it's wherever you walk. Oh
Speaker 1: my god, key snow cos yes, yes, good man, you can.
Speaker 1: We would love. It's okay, we would love, darling. What
Speaker 1: flavor would you like? What flavor? The two flavors you've
Speaker 1: got orange and diet. I guess we'll have two oranges.
Speaker 1: Did you hear how she said that two oranges? She's
Speaker 1: a poet everywhere. Four oranges just too just too us too,
Speaker 1: that's missus. Mendelssohn to you. Gotta give you this syrup, okay,
Speaker 1: just syrup in a little cup. Hot, it's hotful, Well past,
Speaker 1: we'll past. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's like
Speaker 1: even in those moments you make these decisions baby that
Speaker 1: like I just follow my gut. You have the best cut.
Speaker 1: You know what, when I saw your dad dancing on
Speaker 1: the dance floor, I had this glimpse of what our
Speaker 1: future is going to be. And I'm still going to
Speaker 1: be really into you. Want I want. I want to
Speaker 1: be a dad. By the way, hither folks, would you
Speaker 1: like your beloved's name and grave gran of rice? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: really yeah, absolutely, that's amazing. Wow. So okay, Mikey, can
Speaker 1: we just say mike or I'd like you to know
Speaker 1: his given name is Mikey. What about just an m
Speaker 1: I mean, oh man, Okay. Nobody said yes before I
Speaker 1: have all these grains of rice, these carving tools. No, no,
Speaker 1: no no, we said we'd do it like go on
Speaker 1: my wrist, sir, stay here, you stay here, you're Mikey,
Speaker 1: Mikey okay, m y k y, all right, okay, I've
Speaker 1: already cut this grain of rice in half. I was
Speaker 1: trained for this, it was it was about three years
Speaker 1: ago though, so it's we're newlyweds. So oh, you could
Speaker 1: just do one this as newlyweds or our wedding dates. Jesus, Jesus,
Speaker 1: that's long. What was your wedding date? It was March
Speaker 1: twenty six, twenty eighteen, only the best date I've three
Speaker 1: six eighteen. Can we do it without the slashes or
Speaker 1: do you think you would be clear if it was
Speaker 1: just then? I don't. I think it would look sort
Speaker 1: of bad without the hyphens, because it could look like
Speaker 1: a cereal maker, taste maker, hyphens, that's what they're called.
Speaker 1: Do you want to sure? Sure? It is twenty two
Speaker 1: thousand followers. Oh wow, Yeah, that's done. I'm married up.
Speaker 1: I'm married up for sure. We'll see what we can
Speaker 1: do about that. I just want to be clear. It's
Speaker 1: a grain of rice. It's just really small. I mean,
Speaker 1: there's like the guy across the way has you can
Speaker 1: get a photo taken, and you know, let's go do that. Okay,
Speaker 1: thank thank god. Hold on, before we go any further.
Speaker 1: I am. I need to tell you when you were
Speaker 1: when you threw the bouquet the other night. Your arms
Speaker 1: went up into the air and it was like you
Speaker 1: were in like slow motion. And as your hands were
Speaker 1: right above your head, I looked at you and I
Speaker 1: was like, she's reaching for the heavens. And and then
Speaker 1: I reached for the heavens. Do you know what I got? You? Sure,
Speaker 1: let's get her. Let's our pictures taken? Oh? Hi, hey, hi,
Speaker 1: so we could do a photograph. Where's your camera? Well,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. It's not so it's how about we
Speaker 1: do a picture that I draw? Why do you have
Speaker 1: cats in your pocket? It's a cat it's one cat
Speaker 1: in my pocket, miikey. No, no, no, no, no. I
Speaker 1: usually do photographs. I'm great photographer. But today I've got
Speaker 1: a special changing. What. No, what's happening to you? What
Speaker 1: there's more than one cat in your pocket. There's two cats.
Speaker 1: There's two cats. I lied. Your eyes are becoming bloodshot
Speaker 1: right before very eyes. I'm just a little nervous. It's
Speaker 1: just a little nervous. What's happening. Listen, Just sit down
Speaker 1: really quick, quick, quick, quick. Okay, we're sitting. Okay, act
Speaker 1: like you're getting your pictures drawn. What just do it?
Speaker 1: Smile baby? Good? Wait? Wait? Why did you get freaked
Speaker 1: out on that cop walk by? I'm not freaked out.
Speaker 1: Just sit there are we accessories of officers. I'm not
Speaker 1: a bit you your husband, I know she said that.
Speaker 1: Somebody call me. No no, no, no no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no no over here, officer. Hi, Hello, Hi,
Speaker 1: we we just got married. Thank you, thank you. Let
Speaker 1: the cat. Yes, where's a good cat? Cannot be on
Speaker 1: the boardwalk. I don't have any cat. There's no cats
Speaker 1: in pockets. All right, all right, I'm gonna go on
Speaker 1: break all right, I'm gonna go on. Yeah, you didn't
Speaker 1: fix the cat thing. Manu, it's it's union break. He
Speaker 1: should take a break. He looks tired. Look, no cats
Speaker 1: could be on the boardwalker. I agree. That's that's what
Speaker 1: we're saying. I was asking us to take a picture
Speaker 1: and then he was pushing us. And there's cats. And
Speaker 1: he called me a bitch, called me a husband a bit. Look,
Speaker 1: and there's cats on the borderwalk. It's a death penalty
Speaker 1: to saying diego all right, Okay, that's what we're saying. Listen,
Speaker 1: my my wife, who I love? What baby? Okay, there
Speaker 1: are Mikeyay, this right, Mikey, this right, Mikey, there are
Speaker 1: no cats. You have a good a good break, officer.
Speaker 1: I gotta take this break, all right. Maybe this is
Speaker 1: an important issue. We're both gonna die one day. What
Speaker 1: I know you don't. I know you don't believe that,
Speaker 1: and like I love that about you. But like one day,
Speaker 1: I've got it. I got it. I did it. I
Speaker 1: did it, Mike Keimondlson three twenty six eighteen. Oh, oh,
Speaker 1: I did it? Where is it? Wait? Where I had it?
Speaker 1: I think it fell out over there? Okay, okay, don't wait,
Speaker 1: there are pelicans. You guys, get a wait by pelicans,
Speaker 1: get away, sons of bitches. Oh they love rice, they
Speaker 1: love rice, these pelicans. Oh god, my hand from the Amazon.
Speaker 1: All right, you guys were moving around quite a bit.
Speaker 1: So this picture is a little squiggly. We don't want it, sir.
Speaker 1: It looks just like me. No, it was these two
Speaker 1: two people's two people. It does kind of look like him.
Speaker 1: It's weird. It looks just like him. Most of you too,
Speaker 1: And you owe me for this character. No, it's him
Speaker 1: and a grain of rice. It's a character of you guys.
Speaker 1: So which one of us is the rice? What are
Speaker 1: you talking about? One of them is a piece of rice,
Speaker 1: and one of them is him. Picture. You are this nice, slender, thin,
Speaker 1: straight guy, and you're the squiggly guy. Oh I'm the rice.
Speaker 1: No it's you, it's not rice. How much twenty dollars dollars?
Speaker 1: Twenty dollars. Okay, we will die, Thank you to die
Speaker 1: in our vowels. You probably still love me forever and
Speaker 1: forever it is eternal and forever doesn't have a death.
Speaker 1: Can we work on a payment planned business? It's been
Speaker 1: a little slow. And if you don't believe in death,
Speaker 1: you never die This painting is not for you. This
Speaker 1: is them. You can't have it. We don't want it.
Speaker 1: I want I'll give you twenty bucks for it. I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna tear it up. Oh no, I don't want
Speaker 1: to keep fighting. This actually said even fighting to discussions. Fight. Okay,
Speaker 1: why did you call it a fight? I didn't know.
Speaker 1: Now we're fighting. We're fightingposas. Okay, san Diego. Let me
Speaker 1: to rule my girl. Those those those papoosas you'll say,
Speaker 1: oh really, two tow yes, okay, okay? And can we
Speaker 1: have a veggie and a chicken? Veggie and the chicken okay,
Speaker 1: keeps me healthy. She keeps me healthy. That's that. Okay. Well,
Speaker 1: first I'm going to have to the oh all right,
Speaker 1: the tortilla like thing. It's not a tortilla because yes, okay,
Speaker 1: let me work on it. Nobody's ever ordered one before.
Speaker 1: So okay, San Diego, this is gonna be weird, Cheryl.
Speaker 1: But I did a little something, Mikey. I did a
Speaker 1: little tiny thing. Did you do a Mikey, did you
Speaker 1: pull a little thing? Cheryl? We're here to say days, no,
Speaker 1: thank you, I love you and we wanted you. Okay,
Speaker 1: And sweet gloves make gloves. We all loved you. At
Speaker 1: some point, Cheryl hit it out one of you. Let
Speaker 1: me know if you want the coltala and the hot
Speaker 1: sauce on it, because Jesus. Now, Roger's got his personal
Speaker 1: verse about the first time you guys met. When I
Speaker 1: saw your feet, I thought to myself, how many how
Speaker 1: I like your long toes in the way they hooked
Speaker 1: on the ground, the ground, let the way your knees
Speaker 1: slap the round town round. But I love you more
Speaker 1: than I know, and I want you to leave your
Speaker 1: husband forever. Me go to you right here in sand
Speaker 1: diego to you, all right, Tyler take it away? There
Speaker 1: you go, all right, Tyler's got a We're almost done
Speaker 1: always men have loved you, baby. This feels aggressive all
Speaker 1: my axes, but you haven't. You haven't heard. This is
Speaker 1: more like a taco I hope that's cool. It's not
Speaker 1: even quite like a tailcoat. This is just some ingredients soft.
Speaker 1: It's a piece of bread with some and hot sauce.
Speaker 1: You so much, babe? Can I at least sing you
Speaker 1: my verse? Okay? So many men have been inside you.
Speaker 1: Excite you? Okay, so many men excite you? Excited? Nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with that. You chose me, and I feel good.
Speaker 1: We're gonna live. We're gonna never die. We're gonna live forever. Baby,
Speaker 1: But they're gonna wait. Okay, okay, I tried my best
Speaker 1: to make a good papoosa. Put the gun down, Nick Love,
Speaker 1: I did it. I did it. Oh yes, Oh check
Speaker 1: out my handiwork. And I've got this greater Rice right
Speaker 1: between these tweezers. Wait, it's a cat man. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's for you guys. C A T M A N.
Speaker 1: Wait a second, I'm cat man. No, this is for them. No,
Speaker 1: but but give me that. No. They asked to have
Speaker 1: their name and grave to preserve their honeymoon. Man, everyone
Speaker 1: on this boardwalks doors. I'm cat man. He's got cats
Speaker 1: in his pocket. Yeah, but he denies it. Well, not
Speaker 1: only when cops are round. And Rice guy gonna make
Speaker 1: love to you. Cat man gonna make love to you.
Speaker 1: I think. Maybe thank you, bab your dad gave it
Speaker 1: to me. Hey, happy happy, happy marriage, happy marriage forever.
Speaker 1: Maybe not, maybe you bring him the FuG me Roger.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm not gonna I'm over Roger. Oh yes,
Speaker 1: say it ain't so. Another wonderful episode of Alchemy this. Hmmm,
Speaker 1: let's go around and thank our alchemists and see what's
Speaker 1: going on in their neck of the word. James Heeny,
Speaker 1: that's me. Talk to me, Pappy. Oh jeez, I keep
Speaker 1: I'm just keeping on keeping on doing that YouTube thing.
Speaker 1: And how are the T shirts coming along? Well I
Speaker 1: haven't printed them, weird, but I'm still accepting money for it. Right. Well,
Speaker 1: that's the that's the American way. Nice work. So check
Speaker 1: you out on the YouTube. Yep, the real James Heini.
Speaker 1: Oh nicely done, Venet. You had a hell of a
Speaker 1: week a week oh my coming out for air. We
Speaker 1: had Adam Sandler a Dynasty typewriter for four nights and
Speaker 1: it was so dreamy shot for a Netflix a special. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was a dream and we've got so much other
Speaker 1: wonderful things on the schedule. You can check it out
Speaker 1: at Dynasty Typewriter dot com. Oh so very exciting. It's
Speaker 1: one of the great theaters in Los Angeles. And thank
Speaker 1: you for all that you and Jamie Flamm do anytime.
Speaker 1: Thank you for your support. Alright, Joey Greer Halla, what
Speaker 1: the hell? Check me out a Westside comedy theater. Bear
Speaker 1: supply pretty pretty pony with these motherfuckers check it out. Okay,
Speaker 1: people don't know where you're pointing. I mean, that's eater
Speaker 1: of the mind, right, that's what I'm trying to help.
Speaker 1: Who are the motherfuckers in question? Hone? That mind man
Speaker 1: seemed like you were pointing it, Chris, Okay, cool, cool?
Speaker 1: When is the next Pretty Pony by the first Monday
Speaker 1: every month? Nicely done? And then Bear Supply second and
Speaker 1: fourth Wednesday at nine west Side Comedy dot com is
Speaker 1: the calendar and I'm in that, James that the Bear Supply.
Speaker 1: It's gonna make Oh the RAPHI yell yeah, we'll get
Speaker 1: to him. Craig Kokowski at Kowski on Twitter. Also, it's
Speaker 1: in the craigs List podcast with this guy definitely bunny
Speaker 1: at himself. Not about selling your old ship, it's about movies. Nice.
Speaker 1: That's good news because they did some made some changes
Speaker 1: to the other craigs List. That's right. I've been no
Speaker 1: changes to mine. None, just my one hundred favorite movies. Sure,
Speaker 1: none of which star Adam Sam. Do you remember number seventeen? Sure?
Speaker 1: I believe it's The Apartment correct. Oh, how did you
Speaker 1: get that? Son of a bitch? You're not wrong. Let's
Speaker 1: slide on over to Chris Alvarado. Yeah, I'm jump on
Speaker 1: Joey's back. That's right cool, Yeah, just on Wesley Comedy
Speaker 1: dot Com. Actually, I performed there a lot. I teach
Speaker 1: there at Bartender There. We a lot of us spend
Speaker 1: our time there. It's a great place. It is truly love.
Speaker 1: I hope that you don't miss this opportunity. We don't
Speaker 1: know when this is, what the air date is, I
Speaker 1: don't but you know, you had a little something special
Speaker 1: and I would like to congratulate you on that on
Speaker 1: your you're a damn fine fella. I mean, that's really
Speaker 1: awesome and we love you. Season twenty nine, episode thirteen.
Speaker 1: If you want to go through the arch of over
Speaker 1: six hundred shows, one of them I was. I've been
Speaker 1: starting from the beginning, so I'll get yeah, yeah, I've heard,
Speaker 1: it's good. Please be seated. Let's go around and thank
Speaker 1: you Raphael. Yeah, that's it. And Doug Bame our engineer.
Speaker 1: Love him. So all the folks at how Stuff Works,
Speaker 1: the wonderful network that's allowed us into the studio yet again,
Speaker 1: jokes on them, I think, all right right to us,
Speaker 1: won't you please at your name here at Alchemy This
Speaker 1: dot com. Your name here at alchemy this dot com.
Speaker 1: We love to hear from you. Subscribe, write a review,
Speaker 1: damn it, let people know. Tell everyone you've ever met.
Speaker 1: That's all we're asking. I don't think it's too much.
Speaker 1: We love you so and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1: Until then, An is always Alchemy as